Best Of: Just a Little Kinky

It's not something we're in 24 7, but it does come up every now and then.

And that to me is what I prefer. I would not want to be like, I have to get on a zoom meeting with my team. Do I have your permission, Daddy? I can't do it in day to day life.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Question do you dress for the occasion? And by occasion, I mean sex.

Because.

Because wearing things that make you feel hot can make a huge difference. That's what we're talking about today. Listening to your feelings and dressing or undressing your way towards your sexual desires. In this best of episode, I'm talking leather, lingerie and how to wear your sexual fantasies on your sleeve or your thigh highs. Next we talk DDLG or Daddy D. Little girl, a kink that might be exactly what you're looking for, but only with the right boundaries. Finally, I get into green flags and red flags with your partner and how to spot toxic traits before you're in too deep. Intentions with Emily for each episode, I wanna start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to help you feel playful and liberated in your sex life, whether that's through the way you dress or the way you approach kink. The key to both is feeling safe and secure, and that's exactly what we'll be talking about today. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, three things you need to know about your scent and sexual attractiveness is up at sex with emily.com. check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or Message me at sexwithemily.com askemily or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right, before we get into today's.

Episode, I want to tell you about.

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All right, one more announcement before we get into the show.

That I am coming out with a book. I know it's major. This has been such an amazing experience, and I can't wait to share it with all of you. It's called smart sex, how to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. It's coming out on June 13th and so excited. I really cannot wait to tell you more about it. And if you want to make sure you snag one of the first copies of the book, please, please, please pre order the book on HarperCollins.com and don't worry, we've always got you covered in the show notes. You can just use that link. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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So we want to give you ideas about how you can do something in your relationship that's a little bit more fun and outside your box. And I was thinking about how things like role playing like that, where you don't need a lot of prep, you don't need a lot of costumes, you don't have to go out and buy a French made costume, you can just show up and use your words. You can play with dominant, submissive, you know, power play. It's really just the act of doing one thing different in your relationship. And so I was thinking about this time my ex boyfriend, we were dating for a while, maybe we were dating for six months and he kept saying to me, I want to see you and you know, wear some lingerie and wear those like sexy garter things. Those are really hot. Okay, tell me if you can feel me in this. This is for people who wear garters. It's a pain in the ass. Yes, they're sexy, they're thigh highs. I understand the whole thing, but you have to have them clip to a thing and then have them lined up perfectly. So my boyfriend said to me, I would love it if you came over sometime and surprised me. He had an idea of what he thought was sexy. And I was like, okay. So I go in my drawer and I was like, okay, let me dig out the garters because I'm going to go to his house tonight. It had been six months we'd been dating and he brought it up twice. And I thought, I'm going to wear the garters and put in something sexy. And luckily enough I had a friend over this night, she's a stylist and she used to work for Victoria's Secret. And I said, can you help me? I've been wanting to dress up for my partner and for myself. And I want to feel sexy because once I do it, I actually like it. But it's just making that effort. It sometimes it takes planning to fulfill a fantasy or to role play or to do like that one thing different that I believe we all need to do in relationships from time to time. I have all this lingerie. Let's put together an outfit and I'm gonna go over to his house cause I have to be there in an hour. Here's what you have to do. If you're wearing these garters, you have to put on each stocking like one at a time. And then it has a seam in it and you have to make sure it's lined up. And then you slide the garter part that clips. You step into that and then there's these friggin annoying clips that you have to make sure they clip around the stockings. And I don't know, I'm just not great. It takes a beat. But she made sure they were straight. And then I put on this like lace bodysuit. I had some layers on to make it really sexy. I love layering underwear. Like you can layer wider underwear and then you can put like a thong so you can take things off. And I had a whole plan, so I'm putting all the clothes on. I was running late too, because that happens and it takes a little bit extra time. But I was like, I'm feeling good and I looked hot. But then I realized it was pretty hot in LA and I wanted to get dressed, but I couldn't throw on like flip flops because when you're wearing stockings over your toes, you can't do that. So I thought it doesn't look good under clothes. Sometimes if you have little things sticking out, none of your shirts ever work with it or your skirts don't work with it. So I said, okay, I'm going to put on just jeans because I have to wear boots. And I put on my clothes and I go over to his house and I walk in and his air conditioning's broken and I start to sweat and I'm wearing this really sexy outfit and all these layers and I sit down and he's like, you know, we should just talk about this thing, this, this challenge in our relationship. And I realized that I am so hot and I'm sweating and I'm wearing this outfit and then we start to fight about things and then I have like beads of sweat and I'm thinking, I finally dressed up for this guy and now we are fighting. And then I started itching And I took off my shoes, and he's like, what? What are you doing? And I was like, I'm wearing this goddamn thing. It's uncom. I don't know what I. I don't think I said that, but that's what I'm thinking. I'm wearing this really uncomfortable thing, and I don't think I got to wear my outfit. Which reminds me, probably need to get it all together again for someone else I'm seeing. So I don't know why I waited so long, because if it had gone well, probably would have been a hot night. I don't ever want to have to take those 10 minutes putting on a thing, because I don't actually find them particularly sexy. But thigh highs. I think thigh highs are hot without having to do with, like, the antiquated little garter things. I could have just showed up with something that I felt 100% sexy in or that I felt, you know, more myself in and not try to do everything that he wanted without thinking about myself. And I also waited a while to do it. I didn't prioritize it. I know that your partner has probably said to you, I. How come you don't initiate more? Or, I would love it if you initiated sex.

You never do.

And then you leave that conversation saying, okay, I'm gonna initiate. I'm gonna do it. And then the next day, you're like, oh, oh, you know what? I should initiate. And then you're like, ah, But I'm not sure how. And then weeks go by, and then your partner's like, I asked you to initiate. The challenge is, if you have kids at home and there's no time, changing diapers, none of that makes you feel sexy. So the best thing you could do is just call it out with your partner and say, you know what? I realize we just. Nothing sexy about our situation right now. Let's try to find a time just for us without the kids at home. Maybe they'll all be out on Saturday morning from 10 to noon. Maybe they're going somewhere. Maybe you could have a babysitter come in and you can get a hotel room for a few hours. Maybe you have a friend who's out of town and she's your bestie, and you'll say, can we just come over and go into your guest room? We'll bring our own sheets. We need to have sex for three hours. I love the idea of just switching up locations for a beat, because even if it's a few hours, just that anticipation of moving bedrooms and then you know that sex is going to happen because you're looking forward to it. That's even a precursor to having a new location, like a hotel or a friend's place. So I say prioritize it, talk about it, find a workaround, schedule sex. Let's talk to Steve, 55 in Kentucky.

Hey, can you hear me?

All right, I got you.

My wife likes to masturbate when I'm not around. Should I be worried I'm not fulfilling her? And I really like the leather outfit. How do I get her to wear it?

Great question, Steve. Both of them. I don't think you should be worried about masturbation at all. I love that your wife is masturbating when she's home because that means that she's really in her body and she wants to feel good. And she knows that masturbation is part of being a sexually healthy person. So I don't think there's anything to worry about. Unless, I mean. How's your sex life, Steve?

Yeah, pretty good. You know, a couple times a week, you know, she likes to go down, I go down on her, so.

That sounds good to me. Yeah? Yeah.

Great. Yeah, I think it sounds good to me. Do you think there's something wrong with masturbating at home alone?

No, I just, you know, make sure she's satisfied, you know, if that's the way she has to be satisfied. And I'd be a little worried about it sometimes.

Yeah, but you know that she's having orgasms with you, right?

Yeah. If not, she fakes it real good, so.

Well, how long have you guys been together?

20 something years.

Oh. So, Steve, how'd you know she was masturbating at home? Did she tell you or you walked in on her? What happened?

Well, she told me and then I bought her a vibrator, so.

Nice. Well, Steve, that sounds like an excellent opportunity to say, hey, I'd love to see you masturbate. Why don't we do some mutual masturbation together? You know, I'd love to watch you turn yourself on. I think that would be really hot. You could also say, God, thinking about you masturbating at home is such a turn on. Tell me, what do you think about? Is there something you want to try in our relationship? How can I be a better lover to you?

She won't ever tell me what she fantasizes about. She just says, I'm thinking about you. Which, I know she's lying, but still.

Well, maybe there's a way to say I'd love to take our sex life to the next level. Let's. Let's try something different. Do something fun. What's a fantasy that you want to try we haven't done yet, and I'll share one with you.

I don't know if she's eating somebody else out.

Oh, so do you guys have threesomes?

Nah, she wouldn't do that.

How do you know?

I already asked her. She said no.

Well, I mean, but maybe you guys could talk about it when you're, I guess, a dirty talk situation and be like, right now I'm picturing someone going down on you, and this is happening and I'm eating you from behind. I mean, that's a really hot thing to do.

Yeah, I talk about it, but she. She doesn't like that, so. But she will wear the leather outfit sometimes. So how do I get her to do that more?

I think you can tell her that you think it's so hot when she wears this leather outfit. You could just say, I've been thinking about that.

Oh, yeah. See, I like when you wear the leather boots and the skirt. Well, I don't think it looks that good on me. I said, well, I think it does. So.

Well, do you ever ask her what makes her feel sexy? Like, what does she feel sexy in?

I don't know. I guess I should ask her.

I think that would be great. Cause you know what? I was just talking about, Steve, it's so funny you call in, but I was actually having a therapy session with myself before you called in. Because I was trying to analyze why when my boyfriend asked me to wear these garter things that are pain in the ass, I was like, why didn't I do it earlier? And then I thought, well, because that's not the sexiest thing to me. What is sexy are these other thigh highs I have and this other bodysuit. And if I show up in something that's not that different, it just didn't have the little hooks, but it still goes up to my thighs. And I felt sexy and comfortable. Is he gonna kick me out of his room for not wearing garters? So I love that, but I didn't think I had permission, like, on my own because I'm so busy. And ironically, I wasn't thinking about what I wanted. I just thought, okay, he wants me to wear something.

So maybe with your wife.

I love this as an opening, an invitation for you, Steve, to have a next level, non judgmental, very open, very positive conversation with your wife you've been with for 20 plus years and say, you know what? I love when you wear that leather outfit. But what would be sexy to you? You want to go shopping and buy something. What turns you on? I want to continue to go to the next decade with killer sex. What can we do?

Do you like wearing leather outfits?

I do like wearing leather outfits, yeah.

Okay, well, good.

I think leather.

What do you have that you like to wear?

I love my leather pants. I hope this isn't going in another direction, Steve. You're asking what I'm wearing. I'm not wearing them now. I love leather pants. I love leather pants.

Trying to figure out what.

Okay, this is what I feel sexy. I in fact, ironically, my ex boyfriend, we met because I was wearing these leather pants and he saw me from behind. He was like, those pants were hot. So. And I've known those pants are hot. So I like wearing big shirts that kind of show, you know, like my boyfriend's shirt shows, you know, a little cleavage but kind of still buttoned up. I like wearing thigh high boots, bodysuits.

Before we take a quick break, I.

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Stick around because we'll be back. We'll be talking more about lingerie and all about ddlg.

Promise you won't want to miss this.

We were just talking about what are some requests your partner has made for you to wear and did you do it? Did you wear it? What do you feel sexy in. Amanda, you were saying that you found out that your boyfriend. What's he into?

Yeah. So he really likes crop tops and crop sweatshirts. And I've tried to, like, understand why, because his, like, favorite outfit for me to wear is, like, a cropped sweatshirt and socks. He says he likes it. Cause he likes the idea of being half dressed. Like, not being able to wait to take off all your clothes. Types of things. So anytime I wear, like, I have this one cropped sweatshirt that I wear because it's comfy all the time. But whenever he sees me wear it, he's always like, oh, you're wearing the sweatshirt.

But doesn't that feel good that he looks at you and says, oh, that's hot. And I like that.

Oh, yeah. The fact that like, like, I'm like you. When you were saying earlier that, like, your favorite comfy clothes are sexy clothes, I was like, I can totally agree.

I feel still comfortable because I'm always about comfort. I don't wear anything that's not comfortable. Even out I will buy. I don't. Can't wear wool sweaters. I can't wear things that are super, super constricting. But I want to be comfortable because then I. Then if you're wearing something stiff, here's what it is. If you're wearing garters or a really constricting thing for me, being comfortable in your body sexually is so much about feeling free, being able to move. So I think it actually takes a beat to think, what do I find sexy? And here's a tip, is that you could find something that you feel the sexiest. So let's say for you, when you wear. Let's say wearing a mini skirt or any kind of skirt is your. Where you feel the sexiest. You could find a skirt, you know, that you feel sexy, that you could also just wear a bra with it, right? So maybe just because when you're wearing a skirt, you like to put up your legs and so you can incorporate things. Or maybe you love wearing scarves. You could just wear a scarf, right? If that's something that makes you feel sexy every time you throw it on, bring it into the bedroom. There are no rules here. You know, think about what makes you feel hot.

It's also a little bit easier. Like, I remember one time I was trying to put on this really intricate lingerie that I saw, like, on Victoria's Secret, and. And I had made the mistake of having, like, two glasses, maybe three glasses of wine before trying to put on this lingerie. So I go in the bathroom and I'm like, trying to put it on. I cannot figure out the garters. I'm like, stumbling. And my partner at the time was like, knocking on the door. He's like, are you okay? I'm like, one second.

Right.

That exact thing. That's exactly. That's so true. It's so funny because it's a complicated thing. So did you have partners in the past who likes something totally different?

Amanda, we've talked a little bit about DDLG on the show before.

Daddy Dom, Little girl.

My first time dating a daddy was kind of peculiar because he wanted me to wear, like, little girl stuff. And on one hand it was like, super. Like, it was like, the most inexpensive lingerie ever. But on the other hand, I was so. I was really young and I didn't know a lot about the kink, so I was like, this is kind of weird. You want me to wear, like, frilly little socks and a T shirt with.

A popsicle on it?

And then I looked into it and I was like, okay, wait, this is a whole thing? Like, this is a subculture.

It is a subculture. Isn't it funny? It's like our most popular blog on the website. One of them@sexwithemily.com. could you get into any part of it? Because there are different facets of it. There's like, being the brat or being the little girl, you know? Did you play out the role with him? Like, did he ground you or spank you or. He probably spanked you.

Oh, yeah, I totally got into it. I was converted.

I think it's fun. I've never gone there. I've done it in the bedroom a little bit, but not as a relationship. Not really playing it out in day to day life. How did you do it? What was your scenario like?

I remember at one point we were long distance, so we had rules. I had to, like, text him to ask him permission for certain things. And that was kind of fun. I think, like, the, like, idea of punishment at, like, any point is kind of, like, exciting and, like, yeah, being a brat, like, saying no and seeing what would, like, happen, like, to you. And we talked about before how, like, being a sub is really fun when you're a type A person. Because in real life, I'm like, I'm in control of everything. I need to get shit done. I need to do this, this, this. And so then when you're, like, in a BDSM or DDLG kind of relationship and you are this, like, powerhouse Independent woman. It's nice to, like, have somebody take.

Care of you for a change.

Yeah, it really is. Would you do that again? Would you be in a power relationship?

Yeah, I was gonna say that. I think that I would do it again, and I do do it again. I think that it's a really. Like, you can, like, play around with it in your relationship without, like, committing to it 100%. Like, it's not the norm. Like, it's not something we're in 24 7. But it does come up every now and then.

And that, to me, is what I prefer. Like, I would not wanna be like, I have to get on a zoom meeting with my team. Do I have your permission, Daddy? I can't do it in day to day life, but in the bedroom, I was like, daddy, do you want to. You know I would. Yes. I think that that could be really hot. Was it? So the whole relationship was that.

Oh, I wouldn't say the whole relationship. It actually kind of became a little bit of a problem because it started to bleed into. We tried to keep it for the bedroom only, but then it would start to bleed into our personal life. And he got, like, really controlling. And I was like, this is too much like controlling.

That is one of those toxic traits that just happens so gradually, Right. Like, you wouldn't date anybody off the bed who's like, I'm going to try to control your life and tell you who you could be friends with and where to spend your money and what you should wear. Right. It's such a insidious process, I think, where you don't really realize it's there until you're like, oh, shit. Right. They try to take control.

Yeah. It's so important if you're ever in like a BDSM or like DDLG or any sort of relationship where there is that kind of power dynamic to, like, create boundaries because it's really easy to blur those lines, like what's acceptable in the bedroom versus what's acceptable in real life.

I want to hear a little bit more about it, if you wouldn't mind. What the scenarios that were hot. And then when it got to be too much.

On one hand, I really liked, like, in the bedroom, I really liked being told what to do and how to be, like, what position to be in, that kind of thing. Like, a lot of the times we would start it off with, like a bath and just like, feeling really nurtured. And then it would be like a more controlling aspect. And that was, like, really nice. But in real Life. Then my ex, my partner at the time would start to be like, one of my plays was getting done in New York. So I went. I was like, I'm going to New York for a week. And he was like, you're just going to leave for a week? And I was like, this is. This is not something I need your permission for.

Yeah, good. I'm glad you noticed that. I think you're right, especially when you're an independent woman with a life and a lot going on. But for some people, I guess it's. Maybe it's familiar, you know, maybe their parents were like that, and then it becomes attractive or they don't want to lose the person. This reminds me of this thing I was reading about. If you have a really good relationship, these things aren't gonna happen. You wouldn't allow them to happen. And when you see them all in one place, they make decisions for you. Of course you make decisions together. But they're not just calling all the shots. They're not the only ones planning. They're not the only ones saying where you're gonna go and when you're gonna do it. I mean, just all of these. I was like, oh, my God, I've had these experiences. Or you guys called in with these experiences that you've had, like, one of these. But you could also be with people who do all of these things.

It's really hard to kind of notice that behavior, especially if you're a people pleaser. Especially if you're. Sweetheart, it doesn't matter what gender you are. If you're the kind of person who is naturally accommodating, you won't, like, always realize that you're being taken advantage of. So it takes, like a minute for you to step back and be like, wait a minute, this isn't right.

Exactly. That's exactly it. We don't often realize, but I think also we have to trust our guts. Like, if you feel like they never apologize. This drives me crazy. People who never apologize in unhealthy relationship partners usually have to come to some conflict phase in order to get an apology or even an awareness of an issue. But some couples never get to the point where, I don't know, well, I didn't really do it wrong or I didn't mean to. So they never apologize. You know, you could never compromise. Maybe your partner holds on to grudges. I think a partner who holds on to grudges while you did this thing or that thing, and they're constantly bringing this stuff up. Do they dismiss You, I can never handle that. They could never see my point of view, ever. They always like, well, you're wrong. And here's why they don't apologize. They're constantly on their phone. They seem distant. They don't hear you. They're jealous all the time. You feel insecure. You've never felt insecure before, but now you suddenly feel insecure. They're constantly comparing you to others. They know where you feel insecure. Then they're constantly saying, well, you don't do it like our neighbor. But the thing in here that I wanted to bring to everyone here was they resist therapy. If your partner will not go to therapy, that, to me, is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. It may mean they're not fully invested in your future as a couple. How many people call in and say, well, I told my partner we needed therapy, but they just won't do it. You get a toothache, you go to the dentist, your car breaks down, you go to a mechanic, your relationship's in trouble, you can't communicate.

Go to therapist for the listener's point of reference. I just turned 30, and I feel like I know a lot more now, but I was wondering. It still feels hard sometimes. So, like, how does it get easier? Like what?

It's a good question. I think it gets easier in the sense of I don't spend too much time anymore with people that aren't. Like, I can tell quicker. I used to spend two years in relationships that clearly were not right for me, or I'd even spend three months. But now I know in a date, in three dates, it's like, there's less to figure out because you kind of get someone right away. I'm like, oh, this is your issue. It's also my job. I'm like, oh, this is. This is going to be a problem. This is not something I can actually deal with in a relationship. I need someone who's truthful. I need somebody who's honest. I need somebody who has good values around their friends or families. They've healthy relationships in their life. Like, I remember When I was 30, I dated a guy who had no friends, zero friends. He had just gone through a divorce. He got married young, and all of a sudden, my life became his life. And I kind of liked that he was available around. He was very intoxicating in some ways because he was just super fun. And we went to a lot of great live shows, and we did fun drugs together and just travel. He was just. He was a fun guy. But if I look at it now, it's like, no. If you have no friends and no healthy relationships and you can't sustain them and you have all these other things that. I would have dated him for five months, which I think I did at the time. You know what I mean?

That stuff.

And there's the other thing. He's still the guy that my best friends refer to. Remember that guy? I'll call him John. Remember John? Remember him? Like he's that weirdo I dated that my friends were just like, whoa. Because I didn't see it. And I think now you just see it. But there's certain things that aren't easier. Like there's still things that go wrong that I don't want to see right away or I want. It just feels really good. And I just sort of push aside the guy was. Which I haven't even talked about. The guy was dating, didn't live in the country. He was supposed to stay in the country for a while, but he had to leave it. It was more of like a love bomb situation. When I look at it, he was so into me. I was the perfect woman. You know, nothing made sense in the relationship. Our lifestyles, where we lived, age difference, all the things. But it felt so good to be adored and to be someone who was into me and to be connected in a way. But in looking at it then I realized after it went past that, like, oh, this is his pattern. He's told me that this has happened. Women just. I start dating them and they become, like, upset. They really like me. And then I don't know what happens because you wrote me these long, beautiful emails about how special I was. That's why. You know what I mean? And then it's like, oh, this isn't reality. So there was all these signs of when somebody comes on so strong and they just say all these things that you kind of are like, I can't believe this has happened. We barely know each other. It's a narcissistic move where if I can make somebody feel so good about themselves and not that they don't genuinely feel it in that moment. And that's gonna reflect back to me because they're gonna feel so good that it's something that, you know, they're gonna show me how great I am because I've made them feel in this elevated way that I actually wanna feel as the love bomber. Narcissist. So if I can put it back on you, which to me felt, this is moving kind of fast. Classic. Anyway, that's what happened? This is from Natalie, 31 in Texas. Love your show. I've been sharing with my friends because I find your episodes on the podcast great and full of relatable information. I want to ask you for advice. I've always been a very sexual person, developed fantasies in my head about someone I'm either interested in or someone I'm seeing. I'm in the process of a divorce. Our sex life was mediocre. There was really no emotional connection, which is why I wanted out. I should have accepted this sooner, but here I am. He'd also withhold sex and intimacy from me as a control factor. He didn't have a sex drive at all. I'm the type of person who needs physical touch, cuddling or sexual play, and I find myself thinking about sex and passionate intimacy all the time. I have a very high sex drive with simple needs. I've been like this my whole life. How can I sidetrack these thoughts when they arise all the time? Solo play isn't always working to satisfy that desire and sometimes just it's just temporary. Also, there's a new guy that entered my life and literally just met. I want to breach the sex topic and just run wild with him between the sheets, but I don't want to scare him. I think he's interested sexually. Physical attraction is key help. Any advice to keep this primal feeling tamed? I'm always in heat.

I love a woman in heat. I love anyone in heat. Listen, if you always want sex all the time and you're single and dating, embrace this part of yourself. And to answer your question, I don't know what you're looking for right now. If you just got divorced, I would suggest taking time to kind of figure out who you are and what you want sexually. It sounds like you have some fantasies. So I think when you know that he's somebody you can trust or you want to, just maybe you don't even care about the emotional connection right now. I don't know why you think you would scare him off, but I think if that is a concern you have, I would just sounds like, you know, you're both attracted to each other and just say so. How important is sex to you in a relationship? What are your values around sex? What are your fantasies? I think it's okay to have those conversations without scaring them off. And I also think if you scare somebody off because you talk about sexual, they just did you a favor because they're not your person. Listen, if you scare somebody off by being your authentic sexual Self. You're being yourself. You're not hiding who you are and what you're into. And you scare them off before you move in together and get married and have children and walk all those things. That's a favor. You should say thank you to that person. I am so glad you left when I showed you what I authentically want in bed and what I'm attracted to and what I'm into. I wish that more people would scare their partners off by expressing their sexual needs before they get married. Because then we decide that we have to hide who we are. We don't express our needs. We're prim and proper. We don't talk about our sex drive. We don't say we have a fantasy of being passionately romanced. Because that is a big fantasy for a lot of women, just like Natalie. Her fantasy is, you know, a lot of intimate. I love that she said that. It's mindful, passionate intimacy. She fantasizes about it. I fantasize about passionate intimacy. I love passion and kissing and someone is adoring. I urge you all to have that conversation. So how could this situation go wrong if I meet somebody and they escalate it really quickly, like we haven't even met yet, or maybe we met once and there was no sexual talk, but they escalate it. They send me a dick pic. They just get super sexual and I don't feel safe enough with them. I don't know them yet. It's assumed I'm into them and I don't even. I just met him, so I guess premature escalation of sex. Now, I was out with a friend, and she was married for 15 years, and she's now getting divorced, and she's recently dating and she's on all the apps and she only wants sex right now. And she's made it very clear she only wants sex. She's not looking for an emotional commitment. She was in a sexless marriage for 15 years, and so she is delighted when it gets sexual right away. She loves getting a dick pic. She's actually the only woman I've ever met who loves getting dick pics. The only one who's like, oh, yeah, I mean, I'm only sleeping with him. Why not send dick pic? And then I send him my pic. But what I'm saying is we're all different. And so I think we all get to set our sexual parameter of what is violating our standards and what feels really hot. So I believe that, to go back to Natalie's question, that, you know, what you're into. So I think it's okay to express that and see how they handle it. You don't have to give it all at once. Yeah, no, that's a good point, too. She's developed a new behavioral pattern in response to sex as a result of being in a marriage where her partner was using sex as a weapon and her partner was withholding sex. So not only is she reacting to that, she's like, I am free and I want to have sex and I want to be out there. You know, we often sometimes tend to heal our past relationships and our current relationships. So whatever we weren't getting, we want that times 10. So that is part of it. That she might be like this pendulum swinging where she had no sex and now she's like, I want it all the time. Listen, when you're going through divorce and you just start dating again, I don't think that she should just jump to the first person and commit again. But I think that it's great practice. This is also why I love dating. She could practice setting boundaries with him. She could practice saying, this is what I'm into, and then listening to his response and learning this is what a sexually healthy partner. How someone who's healthy responds. Or maybe he. This guy does something else.

That's weird.

And that's not good either. She can keep looking for her ideal scenario in dating and being honest and vulnerable from the jump, which I think so many of us show up with our representative of our. What we think is our best self. And we hide that until it gets. We get to know someone better. And then we're like, here's all my craziness, or here's what I want. And I think the sooner we. We show people who we really are, the more we can authentically commit to somebody. It's more of an authentic relationship. Because if you're not bringing who you are, then they're not really committing to the real you. If you get into a relationship, they're committing to somebody who's a version of yourself. And then that creates so many problems because you know that this person loves you and you're not fully showing them who you are. So in your mind you're going, yeah, they think I'm really neat. Cause I clean up every time they come over. But I'm really not a neat person. That's just one example. I'm pretending that I don't have any needs in the bedroom. And I really do. This is what happens. I'm too afraid to show my authentic self because I'm afraid of being judged and this person leaving me. But the irony is when we hold onto that person for too long, we don't feel confident and then our partner doesn't really know it and then that becomes a problem later on and we actually don't even respect our partner sometimes for loving us because we think, well, you don't really know the real me, so let's just all be honest and authentic and real, huh? How about that?

That's it for today's episode.

See you on Friday.

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