Best of: Make Your Vulva Sigh with Dolly Josette

This episode is brought to you by Nordstrom. Spring calls for a wardrobe refresh, and Nordstrom has the best styles of the season. From dresses and denim to standout tops and accessories, find the trends and essentials that feel right for you. Discover new arrivals from brands you love like WAVE, Princess Polly, Mango, Adidas, and Free People. Plus, free shipping and returns and free styling appointments make everything so easy. Shop in stores at nordstrom.com or download the Nordstrom app.

With Plan B emergency contraception, we're in control of our future. It's backup birth control you take after unprotected sex that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. It works by temporarily delaying ovulation, and it won't impact your future fertility. Plan B is available in all 50 US states at all major retailers near you with no ID, prescription, or age requirement needed. Together, we've got this. Follow Plan B on Insta @planbonestep to learn more. Use as directed. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morse, and on today's throwback podcast, we are revisiting my conversation with Dolly Josette. Dolly is a sexological bodyworker and vulva mapper. You might be wondering what the heck vulva mapping is, and let me tell you, knowing yourself better is the most powerful tool you can have in bed. And this tool is for everyone. This is the way you can learn your way around the special vulva in your life. We talk about all this and more. Stay tuned.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. I am so excited to welcome the pleasure muse. Dolly Josette's here. Dolly is a certified somatic sexological bodyworker, somatica practitioner. She helps people discover their erotic potential in their bodies, get into their physical and emotional needs. And so if you're someone like most of you listening who would rather watch Netflix than have sex— I know, I see you, I've been there— and you want to know what sexually and intimately with your partner, Dolly can talk to us about that. She sees, actually sees people in LA, in Los Angeles. And she— what I love about Dolly is we always talk here about people are like— and it's called The Pleasure Muse, right, Dolly, on Facebook and all that? And at— yes, it's thepleasuremuse.com and @pleasuremuse on Instagram.

That's right.

So, and Dolly's been on the show before. You can check out our podcast. But here's the thing about Dolly is that she actually embodies all the things that we talk about. Like, Dolly's in a marriage. She's married. And she's gone through challenges, but she knows so much, but she's taught me a lot about being in my body, getting out of my masculine energy, being in the feminine. She is truly, she walks out and she gives people pleasure and she teaches them about their own pleasure. Dolly, welcome to the show.

Mm, so great to be here. Thank you, Emily Morse.

I'm so glad you're here. You look beautiful and you brought us snacks.

Oh, I know. I love macaroons.

I love macaroons.

So comfortable.

Last time Dolly was here, she was on a podcast 2 years ago. She came in and she did a lap dance for me.

Well, it's like, let's get into our bodies and you and I are doing some sexy dancing.

Right, well, we were into Sheila Kelly. We did some pole dancing workshops because you guys, a lot of, you know, I talk on the, right, I'm here talking to all of you about your sex life, but the huge missing component, and I'm gonna say it's a lot for women and men too, but let's talk about women for a second, is that we get completely disconnected from our bodies. And so dancing and movement and masturbation and doing things that get you into your body so you feel connected again. That's the key word is connection. We walk around so disconnected that Dolly's trying to teach me. I teach myself through medit— I have my, my new meditation masturbate manifest thing I'm doing every day.

Mm, I love that.

So Dolly helps people connect too. So what are you seeing right now with a lot of your people? How do we get more connected?

Well, it's interesting because I see the spectrum from 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. I even have clients in their 70s. It's awesome. I just love it. They wanna just continue to enjoy pleasure and keep discovering. But what I notice a lot that gives me the biggest sense of sadness is the people in their 20s and their 30s really coming into me saying, I've never had an orgasm. I prefer porn to people. I am doing everything I'm supposed to do or what I think, but I don't really feel— it just feels numb and I don't, I don't feel like really connected. So is this sex? Is this what it is?

Wow. Yeah.

And so it really blows my mind. And, and I see it differently, like with people coming out of marriages or premenopausal or kind of that after kids thing where they're wanting to reclaim their pleasure. They've maybe put some things on side, kids maybe came first.

Yeah.

They're reconnecting with their, their partners. Um, so it's different but similar.

Yeah.

In that, how do we get people reconnected? How do we, I think, We've just moved into the stage of instant gratification. Everything is like here and now. So we want to— I don't— I'm serious. Can we say cuss words?

Say whatever you want. Yeah, girl.

So we want to fuck faster and we just want to get off, you know, in a way that— is it really about connection? Like, what, who is it for? Who is your touch for? Is it really just to get off, to get to sleep? What is disconnected sex?

Yeah.

It's, you know, when there's no eye contact, when, when you're getting off just to, to go to sleep, to move, to move quicker, to move faster, to— there's no anticipation, right? There's no buildup. And this whole thing with, you know, text messaging and Instagram, those all are amazing tools. But when we think about our sex life and we want to put it on steroids and get it faster, quicker, Harder, wetter. The wetter, you need to go slower.

It's true though. So let's talk about the build, because you're saying quick fix. When I hear quick fix, I'm like, there goes the foreplay, there goes the making out, there goes the oral. But what we're saying is it's that anticipation, the buildup, the teasing is that sweet spot. And I feel like, Dolly, you're so good at slowing things down and teach— you actually teach people how to seduce and to tease and whatever works for them. Not like a form. This is why I love Dolly is that she's like a, can read your energy in a way. Yes. We're here in California, but that's the best way I can say it and tailor it. So it works for you. So how would you teach that to, like, I know you work with couples also. So whatever would be a great example of teaching a woman or a couple how to build anticipation again?

Well, um, depending on where they are and the stage of their relationship, one of my favorite stories is this one couple was going to break up. They were going to break up because he couldn't give her an orgasm. And it's this idea that he has to give her something, which is already like backwards. But, but, but I don't want to shame people. Oh, I mean, I think that—

I, I thought that. I just think it was the guy's responsibility. I didn't know it was my fault, my job. Yeah, that was my side.

So knowing your body, but, but, you know, that's just what people think.

Yeah.

Um, and then she was feeling, um, inadequate, like she was broken, something's wrong with her. So they called me, and I always love to do work first if I can with a woman by themselves. Um, and I do what's called— in my sexological body work, we do genital mapping. So I did a vulva mapping with her, and she was really shy. And I said, I work with whatever, just come with yoga pants and we'll just see what's happening. So is this what we did?

I gotta jump in. Dolly mapped my vulva.

Yes, I did.

So, okay, so this— she takes off her pants, gets on the table, right?

Or no, she wasn't ready to.

Oh, I was like, Dolly, Dolly and I are friends. It was not sexual.

I'm like, I want to do it all.

My legs were up. Okay, I don't want to jump ahead.

Okay, but what we choose in our yoga— what we look for with genital mapping, and if somebody's not ready to take their pants off, if they're not ready like Emily—

I trust Dolly with my vulva.

Then, then we can start on the outside. And it's really just kind of retraining and getting their nervous system safe, but just teaching like cupping the vulva, breathing in. And then I started to teach different touchings, just connecting with her erectile tissue on the outer lips through her yoga pants.

So it's not sexual. Like, Dolly— let me just back up. Dolly wasn't— I didn't have an orgasm with Dolly. Dolly was— that's a separate thing that you— the vulva mapping is. And this is also to teach her her own arousal.

Dolly's not like, this is about teaching them agency. So number one, we're going to get to the sexy, we're going to get to the erotic, especially when she brings in her boyfriend, right? But the thing about it is until you know how to play your body like an instrument, right? Until I say, Emily, I have this erogenous zone right here on my neck, and if you just come over to it slowly and just do a little hot breath, and maybe just have a little bit of my hair hit it, then I'm gonna just like feel like this whole train of orgasmic channel like move through my back. And I've like mastered and worked it that I can just imagine you doing that, that I can like feel it. Wow. But it's knowing my body. So that's what like agency is. It's like, I know my spots that really feel amazing. And when you are my partner, I'm going to say, hey, this is what feels really good. Would you like to check that out? So that's what it is. So with this particular girl, she was nervous. And of course, bless her heart, this is like, you're going to do what? Right. So once she felt safe with me and then I started going over the yoga pants, she's going, oh, oh, oh, well, could we take these off?

Right. Oh my God. See?

So then I was like, sure, let me get my gloves on because it's one-way touch. And if we do touch genitals, it's with gloves. So we've, we've vulva mapped her and we, um, thankfully she didn't have any pain because sometimes we have to remediate pain.

Let's talk about if you will continue with the story, but then we'll pop back over to that.

Um, but then she, uh, we found 3 erogenous spots. She has homework. So I'm all about embodied masturbation, like truly breath and movement. And I guide you and, and we can do things in the office, but it's, You know, a lot of self-study too, and what are you learning? Because we want to break you out of your habits. So then we brought in her boyfriend, and then I taught him to vulva map her. And it was unbelievable. She's like, "No, more like how Dolly touched," because he was moving really fast. People generally touch the way they like to be touched. So he's touching her a lot quicker. So I just hold his hand just over her vulva, again, asking her maybe to push her body in, and then I say, "Okay, now," Do this a little harder.

Cupping over the vulva is a key move. We—

key move.

Just rest it. Like, you're having sex, after sex, aftercare, precare.

Yes, that's a great way of putting it. I've never said that. I love that. And it's just like really relaxes, and you'll see the woman's like legs just even open up even more.

You should cup it.

Yeah, it feels so validating.

It's so good because you're like, I'm not going anywhere, I'm here. It's grounding.

Yeah, it's so cool.

I feel like my vulva just got cups sitting here. Just— Callie comes in the room and my whole vulva Just, it just sighed. It just took a little break. I want to get a massage. That's amazing. But it's true. Just like, it's like when you put your hand on someone's head or their forehead, you go, ah, you feel safe.

Yeah.

So you taught him that, how to touch her and how to—

and then it progressed. And then, and then he was surprised at how hard some of the areas that she actually liked to be touched.

Where were those areas? Give me— because every woman's different. So she had—

every woman's different.

So you found out examples where her— where are they?

Give me an example. So for her in particular, with the cupping, she really liked the pressing on the pubic bone. Yes. And then really, once he started to touch right on the entrance, kind of, of the introitus, which is the vagina open, the vaginal opening. So this whole thing, when I do vulva mapping, I touch a body part and I do, it's somatic learning. So I'll touch it and I say it. So we're learning anatomy. We're learning that you have, you know, a clitoral shaft, you know, about the clitoral legs, the vestibular bulbs. I mean, women have 5 erectile beds.

Yeah, I know, right?

5.

5.

5 of them. Oh my God, guess what? What? I just discovered we have more.

We do? More than 5?

We have an erectile bed in our ears. I didn't know this. I had an eargasm. You did?

I totally did.

I'm so getting off topic. But like we have more and men have them too. And I learned that we have them in our nose. So this is why I think this whole thing of smell.

Yeah.

And then when do people do come and talk into your ear? But I'll have—

So hot.

It's like ridiculous what's possible when you start opening your body up to the possibilities.

Right.

So back to the story, they went off for their homework. They had, you know, continuing this for the next 2, 3 nights. They called me 3 nights later and they said, we have continued to lab, to play and figure this out. And we have been making love and she has had orgasms. And she never would, not with him. And she had with— that's what was weird is she kind of had before, but their bodies were still getting to know each other.

Right.

And she thought something's wrong with me.

Uh-huh. Women do that. We think it's our fault.

Yeah, yeah, we do. And, uh, and then they called me like 6 months later and they got engaged and got married. Oh my God. And here, this was a couple who was going to get Who's gonna break out. Wow.

That's amazing, Dolly. What you, because it's such a different side of it because like here, you know, giving tips and talking to you, but you actually walk them through it, which is just so amazing because this is what I, what I tell you all that, that what you guys know about sex now is so limited. Like we scratch the surface of our potential, our potential for pleasure, our potential for connection, like all the places on our body. And that's why I love this, what, what Dolly's doing, the sexological bodywork, somatic, all of it.

It's a journey. Cause I was thinking about it. I was thinking about if I like talking about disconnected sex and all this instant gratification, like back in the day, right? Okay. I'm aging myself now. Um, you know, the handwritten letters or then the emails and all of that kind of stuff where it takes a little longer. And I always had, um, out-of-state boyfriends. So I really, let me tell you, this is why I'm so fucking good about buildup and anticipation. Cause I always had long distance relationships. Yeah.

Maybe.

And I think also that contributed to why I'm really amazing with masturbation because you have to use your fantasy.

Exactly.

I have a great fantasy.

Let me tell you, that Dolly— Dolly's sexy little minx. She is. She is. I just love Dolly. I mean, really.

But the quick and fast sex, you know, there's a time and a place for it. I don't want to bring shame to people because there is a time where you want— you have curiosity, right? You want to understand. But sometimes you just have to look at why are you doing this? Are you looking for it for validation? Are you looking at it just to learn, to try something new? These are all okay reasons, but at some point you're going to say, I want something else. And that's when you pick up some great books. I'm sure you've recommended. That's when you listen to Emily. That's when you come to see somebody like me. And there's, I'm not the only one. There's amazing sex educators out there. I still go see sex educators. I was just recently seeing my sexological bodyworker. I also just went to do the sub-dom class. Oh, that's right. No, I'm like, goddamn it.

I know. No, I'm—

there's always things.

We are never done. Yeah, we are never done. I met Dolly because I was doing a somatica therapy training in San Francisco 3 years ago. It was intense. It was like every other month for 5, 6 days.

It was intense.

We— but I mean, yeah, and I'm never— I'm doing the time. Yeah, you're never done learning. I'm still in therapy again, different kind, but we're never done even as practitioners because we want to bring— Dolly's been going and doing it for a long time. Yeah, I mean, since you've been in this, because when— let's just say the last 5 years you've this or for this kind of work.

Yeah.

But before that, like you were not having, you didn't know your frigging—

didn't know it.

Breath. She wasn't born knowing that someone talks into her ear and nope, you had to discover it.

It's like taking a timeout and just having this lab with yourself. You know, when I did my sexological bodywork training, like truly we had a marathon of what they call orgasmic yoga practice. Another easier way to say it is just mindful masturbation or embodied masturbation. And we had to do this this every day and the things you have to bump up against if you really take on the homework. Um, it just starts to unfold and you start noticing things. Listen, I had a client the other day, we were working on giving, um, and, and giving touch and receiving touch. And there's a touch called taking, when you're just like taking for your pleasure. And I was about— we were saying, okay, what kind of touch do you want? I want you to touch me. Okay, great. And this was just over clothes. And we were teaching him how to express things to his girlfriend because he was feeling a lot of shame asking for things. So we want to break down that shame and say it's okay to ask for something. But it was interesting because I was going to do a taking touch, which the touch was for me. I get to do whatever I want. And I just started to warm up my hands and I stopped. I was like, oh my God, I just need to take a minute. He said, what? Why? I said, I'm warming up my hands because I live in the giving quadrant. I'm like this ultimate giver, right? But I was doing it for your comfort so you didn't have to feel the coldness of my fingers. So it was like this light bulb where it's really actually very hard for me to be a taker.

I know.

That's why I really enjoyed that sub-dom class, because you really get into this power where, where I'm like a gentle dom, right? Like, I, I like it, I like it, but it's whole nother way of being, like. And that helps me get into my taking mode. And when you and I did that dancing with Sheila Kelly, then you're like taking the movement and taking, you know, in a different way. The music— if I put rock and roll music on, my body moves differently. Not like gentle, like giver, nurturing Dolly. Then I get like rock and roll, like naughty provocateur.

Exactly. God, we've been through a lot together, Dolly and I. We've done the dancing, we've You've done the class, we've done the, we've done a lot of different things, Dolly. You inspire me for sure. I have a question now when we're talking about though, this disconnection, I often tell women and men, like, what about bringing that energy within a couple? Like, do you think our erotic energy is something that we have to find on our own? Or do you work, can couples kind of together, you can kind of help them stoke that erotic energy?

Um, it depends. One time I had a couple come in and it was really interesting because the They did a full day with me, but the first thing that we did was the vulva mapping. And it was really hard because when I was working with her, I didn't get a chance to work with her. She was not really dropping into her own body. She kept saying, well, what do you think, honey? Well, what do you think?

Oh, it's so hard to let go, right?

It was so hard. And then when I was teaching him to work on her, he said, oh, are you going to make her so picky? So there was like already a lot of stuff like in between the lines, like there was already under things of like he felt rejected, she's been needy and right. You could do that. So it was, so that made me think that, that changed the way I like to work. Sometimes people don't have a choice if they travel to see me, but then I really like to see if a person can have their needs, what are their issues? Um, couples, even if we don't do body work, I can see a lot when I just have them do eye work with each other.

What the first, just staring at each other's eyes. That is the most— that was the first thing we did during our training.

Yeah, because you're looking for their style of attachment. Are they securely attached? If they want to go through their eyes staring, well, um, and then you can also start to see if there's a little bit of trauma or things going on underneath. But, um, this one couple, she couldn't— every time she was looking at her husband, she would just do like this. She would just look away. She couldn't stay there. Wow. And she had As it turned out, there was some trauma that came up, but it was interesting. Then I said, let me just take a chance, and you and I look to each other, and she was able to be there. So there was just some things that started to arise that in her nervous system she was just even nervous, and this was her husband. Yeah, so imagine how that's affecting, you know, in their day-to-day. Um, but with couples, um, playing around and seeing how they talk to each other, how they can flirt with each other.

Do you teach that? You teach them flirt? You teach the flirting? It's one of my favorite things to teach. I know, she's like a natural flirt. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break, but when we get back, Dolly and I are gonna answer all your vulva questions.

President Barack Obama. Virginia, we are counting on you. Republicans want to steal enough seats in Congress to rig the next election. And wield unchecked power for 2 more years. But you can stop them by voting yes by April 21st. Help put our elections back on a level playing field and let voters decide, not politicians. Vote yes by April 21st. Paid for by Virginians for Fair Elections. How many discounts does USAA Auto Insurance offer?

Too many to say here. Multi-vehicle discount, safe driver discount, uh, new vehicle discount, storage discount, legacy.

How many discounts will you stack up? Tap the banner or visit usaa.com/autodiscounts. Restrictions apply.

Dolly Josette's here. The pleasure muse.

Hello.

She helps people feel more pleasure in their bodies and in their life, and it works. We're all here like mouth agape. The girls here have not met her, so I'm so excited. She's a dear friend. She lives in LA. She sees people one-on-one too. We'll put this in the show notes so you can find her. But I just love her advice and having her around. So we can take a call and then she's gonna tell us about what to do about porn. Yeah.

So we got Melanie. She's 50 from California. She's got a question about menopause. Hey Melanie.

Hey Melanie, how you doing? Thanks for calling.

Hi, how are you?

Good. If you could turn off speaker, that'd be great.

Oh wait, yeah, 'cause I got you on my car phone. Can you hear me better?

Yeah, it's a little better now, yeah.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I have a question. I, you know, I've been with my husband— we've been together since I was 22 and he's 21. I never had a problem having an orgasm ever, but since I hit 47, I've been losing my sensitivity down there, and it's at the point where I only have like 10% of feeling down there, and it's like I'm totally losing my sensitivity.

Yeah, well, it's the estrogen. That's what's happening. It's like the loss of estrogen. I mean, this really is happening with women. So have you, have you gone to see your doctor or anything?

Yeah, she did put me— see, I'm having a period about every 4 months at this point. Okay, I'm going into it, and she put me on something called Prempro, but it caused me to—

no.

For like 2 hours.

Don't do that. Okay.

Yeah. Like, oh no, get off of it.

Okay. Dolly's gonna, okay. No, Dolly, we've got some things here for you, but you know, we're going to have to say goodbye because you're, it's really loud for you on speaker, but I think we're, tell me her name.

Melanie.

Melanie. We're going to, we're going to help you off air. I mean, when you're off the phone, but we're going to keep talking. It's okay, Dolly. Yeah.

Keep talking to Melanie. Keep talking to Melanie. So Melanie, one of the tricks that sexological bodyworkers do is we do what's called remediation. Our biggest ally is castor oil. There's what's called ricinoleic acid in castor oil, and it helps with inflammation. It helps to re-lubricate the vulva, and it helps also to strengthen the tissue. Because what happens at your stage is the tissues start to thin, and you lose lubrication. I'm right there with you, sister. Something that I'm dealing with, um, as well. And our bodies change and it's a fact of life. And sometimes it doesn't sound so sexy, but you know what, when you can, um, have an education about it, and there's something I'll talk about with Emily down the road, but I just had my husband help me with some remediation that was actually very sexy. I have a video to show you later. Oh my God.

Okay.

That we'll talk about the next time.

Her husband. Yeah.

But, um, what you can do for your own self is just to get some castor oil. And do some application externally, just starting to kind of touch all your parts from outer to inner. And then the trick that we do is get an organic tampon without an applicator. It has to be organic. So Sprouts, Whole Foods carries them. And then soak it in the castor oil. Let it soak for like 5 minutes, roll it around, and then put it inside of you for about 20 minutes. So do that a couple of times, and there's this other thing that you can do called vaginal steaming. There's lots of herbs. There's a woman—

The V-steam.

The V-steam. There's a woman, awesome, steamychick.com, I think. You can get a system for your own house. Maybe go see if you can find a spa that has one and see if you like it first.

I haven't done it yet, Dolly.

Okay, that's another date we have to go on.

I know, she's like, hey, you want to V-steam? I get these things from Dolly. You want to go to a sub-class? Want to go to get your vagina steamed tonight? It's amazing. Dolly's up on all the things. So you've told me about castor oil before. That can help for sure, I think, with lubrication and rebuilding in the wall. But there's also like, I don't know what her doctor gave her. Sounds like it's some kind of synthetic hormones.

Well, I mean, you know, there are hormone—

I think bioidentical.

Yeah, bioidentical.

Are better.

Is a little bit better. And you have to just be careful too with estrogen if you have breast cancer in your family, just be super careful. But in terms of just the natural way, getting down there and just having that touch to start bringing back sensitivity. And then we can get your husband to teach you some amazing vulva mapping and just really bring back a lot of sensation to all of your parts so that it's not just about penis and vagina, right? Getting all of the other elements activated.

So how do you, no matter what age someone is, Dolly, let's talk about that activation of of arousal and teasing and just stroking and all the things.

So what happens with porn, I'm gonna bring it back to porn. So what happens with porn, just like Instagram, just like all the likes on Facebook, whatever, it's their dopamine hits. So it's like dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, I get it, I get it. So it's like, oh my God, porn, you can have sex with, you know, 50 women in 5 minutes.

Exactly, especially with virtual reality porn.

Yeah, it's like all this intense, intense, intense, But what you're doing is you're actually limiting your hormonal, like, waterfall. So you're not activating the nitric oxide, you're not activating the oxytocin. So you become a dopamine addict, right?

For the porn, right?

So we have to kind of, you know, the biggest thing that I like to tell porn watchers is to become more embodied. Stand up when you're watching porn.

Why?

Because then you start moving your whole body. If you stand up, if the— if you're standing up— so I'm not saying that women don't watch porn, absolutely, right? There's porn that I like to see. But let's say we're talking about a man and they're just watching it on their laptop, hand on penis, that's it. So stand up, move your laptop up higher, and start to move your body. Start to breathe. Start to just see what you notice. Maybe then you're gonna move off the muse— off the, the porn and then maybe put on some music. If you start activating your whole body, you're gonna start to notice and feel other things. People who do this— the man who founded sexological bodywork as a profession, he does this whole thing called porn yoga, and he had people really, you know, do this and really commit to watching porn so for so long standing up. And then over time, what consistently happened is the porn became less interesting to them because their body started like activating and moving and And they, they started to feel more pleasure throughout their whole body. So we want to break the dopamine addiction and we want to actually move and feel the pleasure and expand it just from our genitals and move it throughout the rest of the body.

That can really happen. That is a practice to feel very intently the pleasure throughout in our genitals. And it spreads because I think we are so focused on that, hate it and quit it orgasm. Men and women are these one spots and what Dolly's just, when I always say things are expansive and sexually— this is what she teaches, how to find all those pleasure spots on our body. Yeah, good point, Dolly. All right, we're gonna take a quick break, but when we get back, we're going to take your calls and answer your questions about how you and your partner can find your orgasm.

We got James. He's 29 from Florida. He has a question about giving his girl an orgasm. Okay.

James. Hi, James, we'd love to help you. You have two orgasm experts here.

Um, uh, I'm a new listener. I just started listening to you tonight, and, uh, so far I really love the show.

I'm so glad. Thank you. Welcome to the show. We're on every night, weekdays.

I'll definitely tune it in. Um, well, my question is, I've been with my girlfriend for about 4 years now, and we have tried everything. Um, we've tried different lubricants, we have tried, um, excessive amounts of foreplay, everything, and we cannot achieve orgasm for her. Um, okay, she's achieved orgasm with other men in her past, so it's not an issue of her. She's 29 as well. Um, but we're just kind of at a loss. I mean, the foreplay doesn't work, masturbation for her doesn't work. Um, we've tried using vibrators, toys, and nothing seems to work. And, you know, I'm starting to kind of feel like maybe it's me.

No, it's not you. See, this is what we do, because often we want our, our partners to feel so much pleasure, and then we feel bad that it's us. It's not you at all. It's the— I love that you're both working on it together, but I would say that she's gotta spend some time alone also figuring out her body and masturbating and figuring out, 'cause there's a lot of pressure if you're there with her and you're both doing it. I've tried to do those exercises, trying to find my G-spot with a guy. I was like, nope, I'm gonna find this on my own and bring it back to you. So it sounds to me like it's 4 years is a long time. And so I think we gotta switch something up. What do you think, Dolly?

Yeah, I think maybe taking it off, um, the, the table as like the goal to get to. Um, because what happens is then that just becomes a goal and frustration and insecurities come up.

Yes.

So have, have the journey. Like, instead of, you know, like, take, take the coast highway, um, and then just see what happens. Um, one of the things that's really nice is start to overload the body with sensation. So one of the things that is a nice little trick that I like to do, um, is those little under-bed handcuffs that you like.

Oh yeah, under the mattress. Yeah, I have those sports sheets, they're called. They're under-bed restraints.

You gave me— I know, for my, for my anniversary. I didn't connect underneath for some reason.

Okay, I'll give you more.

No, but I found, I found my old one when we did.

I dropped off Lube at her I dropped off, yeah, anniversary presents. Okay.

So this idea to just like bring her full body to pleasure. So it's an idea. It doesn't mean you have to have these, this tool, but it's fun because if, if she's kind of has her arms tied and her legs, but everything is about consent. If she needs to know what her yes is.

We've tried the tying before. Um, and we got a little bit closer with it. Um, Let me say as well, for her, she, she always feels uncomfortable masturbating for whatever reason.

Um, she doesn't like to discuss it with me, but that's, that's the problem right there. Stop talking, stop talking. The issue, that's the issue.

So there's shame there that she has to unravel, right? And the shame is preventing her from actually being able to let go. And, and surrender to the full orgasm. And, and there, then there's something going on. And, but it's peculiar because of the fact that she has orgasmed with other men and not with you. But you also sound like an incredible man. You sound really safe on the phone. There might be something that she actually feels like she can do some healing right now. Yeah. And we have to look at— sex is great for fun. Sex is great for procreation, but sex is also healing.

It's very healing.

And so there's something going on in your dynamic that she's actually probably feeling free that she can actually look at this on a deeper level. I mean, 4 years later, man, and you are there loving her, calling on a show, trying to figure this out. Yeah, I have goosebumps. Like, what a guy that you are.

We've been together for 10 years, but Amazing. I was separated due to work, you know, and it was basically a long-distance relationship until the last 4 years.

Yeah, okay.

So you guys, again, it says a long time to be together, so I think you're right though. If she has something she doesn't want to talk about that intensely, that, that's something that she has to work on right now.

Yeah, and there's, there's some sexological body workers in Florida. Um, there's a— I think the website is sexologicalbodyworkers.org. I'll make sure—

Florida, or using California?

No, he didn't. You say you were in Florida?

Yes, California.

Oh, Florida. Okay, got it.

And, um, and so there, there are— I know one that's okay. Dragonflies are—

oh, uh, we have a friend. Yeah, should we say her name?

Dragonfly.

Dragonfly. We studied sex. She's legit.

Yeah. And but she didn't just do somatica. She's a sex pod.

Like, yes.

So, um, so there's just a lot of learning and a lot of unraveling. So something has been triggered that she's not able to let go, but she feels safe enough to explore that she can learn to undo this wiring so she can learn to have pleasure again. Yeah.

If we get tripped up, right? Something happened and it got stuck.

And the other thing though too is because in this other hat I wear when I'm not working on people's bodies, but I'm looking at how are you showing up? Like how, how are you showing up in this relationship? We also wanna make sure that your outside persona, you know, versus your bedroom persona, it's great that there's safety, it's great that there's consent, but we also wanna see how can we get you a little bit more in your cock. I'm laughing at Dolly 'cause it's true. Like, is there a way that you could be more, stand up more and be more, not forceful, But like, like, like Cockfident is the name of a book that one of our teachers wrote.

Cockfidence. I have it here on the shelf.

That book.

It's a little difficult for me is, you know, she, she always wants me to be the man and take charge, you know, in the bedroom. And there's times when I would like to be dominated a little bit. And that's—

yeah, this is the whole— right.

Um, right.

I, I know Emily, you spoke earlier You were talking earlier about, uh, Promescent. How well do you recommend that? Because I've tried, uh, KY's brand because—

No, it's much better than KY. I'm friends with the owner. Promescent is, is for PE. It's a quickly absorbing delay spray. Promescent is the only FDA-approved treatment for premature ejaculation. I've been working with them for 6, 7 years. I know the owner and I, like, they came to me, I'm like, does this really work? So I know a lot about it and everyone— I mean, I've not heard anyone emailing and saying they didn't like— honestly, I have to say, I, I absolutely recommend them with my full part and confidence.

Okay, because I think maybe that's part of the issue, because we've had times where we've gotten almost to that point and you're—

and you don't last long enough. But I don't think that— that— okay, maybe, but there's a lot of other things going on here.

And there's also— and there's different sexual styles too. Um, one of my colleagues, Jaya, she did this thing called Erotic Blueprints, and she talks about sexual, um, style, kinky, energetic, sensual, and it's almost like love languages, right? But for sex. And if you all are kind of hitting on different places, then you're speaking a different sexual language than she can receive. So for example, my husband is sexual. Like, it's like he, he's just game on always. And I'm stacked a sensual, energetic, kinky, and then sexual. So we have all this work to do to get to my turn on. But he's— once we found—

like us as well.

Yeah, but you could do the work to get there.

Yeah. So once we discovered this, I did some one-on-one work with Jaya at one of her conferences. It was amazing. Once I discovered my language and how my body spoke, when I'd come home, um, he'd say, honey, I have a bath running for you. I'm like, oh, thank you. So all of a sudden, my sensual spoken to and my needs were getting taken care of. Cuz I'm the one, honey, you want a bath? Honey, let me get you dinner. Let me do this. I'm, I'm like such that role of wifey. Um, Emily can attest.

Yes.

Yes. She brought us macaroons. Like she's the most caretaking person in the world, which they're really good.

But at the same time, I, he knows that if he wants to activate my sexual or get me in a place to, to have my body nurtured with lotion or oils. Then he speaks a little bit to that energetic where he's moving in slowly, he's not too fast. And then he may be the kinky. That's why we did those tie-ups for the bed. And so then he's incorporating the sensual, and the room is lit, and all of these things. And my body just gets overloaded. But you know what he does?

What?

He says, I'm not gonna give you my cock until you beg for it.

Really?

And that, my dear, is the anticipation.

He just says that after—

no, no, when we did that one particular night. Oh, because he's just like— it's like that whole thing with the denial.

Denial.

Yeah, that's the thing with this instant gratification and just getting to sex and everything. It's like teasing, like you want it but then you can't get it.

Yeah.

I mean, listen, I got hooked with him the first night we met. We met on Match.com, right? So then we have this date, um, and then we go to, um, after our date we had some appetizers and drinks. Then we went to Godiva and he bought a couple of pieces of chocolate and he handed me my chocolate really close to my lips. We did nothing. We didn't kiss. And it was our first meeting and he was holding it real close to my lips. And I just like looked up at him. And then, and then I said, well, I'd like to share my chocolate with you too. He's like, well, would you like a bite of mine? So we just did this like really like prolonged biting of each other's chocolates, like right next to the, the, the, the finger, right? What is that thing? And then I could just see the shape of his lips, and it was just like the most hot non-kiss kiss.

Wow, the first time you met?

But it— and that's how— and then we said goodbye. And then— no, no, he walked me to get the car, and I was like, is he gonna kiss me? And then— but I, I just loved that lingering I did not. He came in and I just kind of turned my head for a hug and then we went off, but that's the buildup.

That's the thing, the lingering, the tease.

So, so once we kind of know each other's language of our sexual language, he can kind of feed into it. But you know, I felt bad for him the other night.

Okay. Well, thank you, James. James still on? James, you're awesome. I think we helped him a lot. Okay, James, we're going to have you figure this all this out. I'm glad you found the show. Okay, go ahead. I love Dolly and Jason.

Go, keep going.

Thanks, James.

Yeah, I felt bad about the other night is he said something, and I said earlier with our Melanie menopausal, um, lady that, you know, I'm going through my stuff and I'm— my libido is like changing. I'm like figuring this out. And he goes, you know, honey, I'm trying to do all the sensual stuff and trying to figure this out. He goes, but I just— I had this dream last night. I woke up and I was feeling really sexual and I have shame for it and I felt terrible. I was like, you know what, you should not have shame for being your sexual. That is amazing, you know. And, and so just because I have my— now we know my languages. Listen, for my like 9 years of my 9 or 7 years before I discovered this other aspect, um, I was always feeding his sexual, right? Because that's what we do, right? You know, it's like, oh, this that he's going to like this, he's going to like that. And of course I had enjoyment too, but once I learned my body, I could actually build more trust, more intimacy. I wasn't crossing my own boundaries with things, and I was able to open up and we were able to deepen our intimacy, deepen the, the orgasmic potential, all of these things. But the other night I was, I was like, you're doing so much, you're So amazing.

Right.

And so I love that Jason says he's like, I have guilt around that. I know.

Jason learns so much. They truly are like my favorite couple. Like I joined them on their anniversary. I mean, not in that way, but I would've maybe. Quick question.

I love you, Emily. You just have me so encaptured right now. What was the recommendation to find out your sexual language?

What was it that you said? There's a lot of different ways to do that.

Um, yeah, the one that I was specifically talking about, um, is the Jaya Blueprint. Yeah, erotic blueprint. Um, so I can, I can, we can put some information.

Yeah, at least some information. And Dolly, you could work— people could— I mean, yeah, there's a lot of different ways to figure out— there's different—

there's other, there's other people who— she has erotic blueprint coaches. I mean, she has a whole program. That's what I'm saying is my contribution to this space is I, I love to see people, I love to empower people, but there are other people There are other amazing books. It's just like, how can you learn?

What would be a great book to start on this, you think, for people? Dolly at Pleasure Muse, you can find Dolly Pleasure Muse and pleasmuse.com.

For, for what?

For like a book that you think would help people with their— God, we had to read so many books for, uh, Somatica. Like, there's so many layers that Dolly didn't just— we had to do a lot of work to figure out, you know, our stories, favorite books, our sexual stories.

Esther Perel's Mating in Yeah, that's a great book for relationships. Really a good book. And, and, and why I really resonate with it is because she speaks to a lot of the things that I like to teach couples. And it's that building of anticipation. It's like, okay, you know, this ideal goal of, you know, marriage and kids, and then, oh, what happened to the sex?

You know, which is the condition that happens to everybody.

Yeah.

So there's all these different modalities that people can figure out the way to, the way to get your sex life back on track again. Like how, what it's going to happen. I always want people to know that it's going to shift and change and how are you going to shift and change with it? And it helps to really learn it together against your body or yourself. If you're single, I'm never done learning.

No, never. And, and, and when you can understand like how you like to be touched and that's when it comes back to the masturbation, um, gentle, firm, and it's different when somebody brings, if you know yourself, then when you have partnered experiences, even better.

Yeah, exactly. You bring that to the table and don't worry about the shame. I mean, I think that's the other thing is that sometimes once we figure this out, then we're like, how do I talk to our partner about it?

Yeah.

But you just gotta bring it. Your partner wants to please you. This goes for men and for women and whoever you're with, that the more you know, that is power. And that's confidence too. That's the real kind of confidence that comes with really knowing your body.

Mm-hmm.

And it's a journey. And I encourage everyone to go on that journey.

And you know how we told, um, Florida guy, um, like, get cocky. What is his name? James. I love James. Like, getting your cock.

And it—

and he said something about, well, I like to be a little bit, you know, dominated sometimes. There can be a way that you just get into that, but it's called like, um, sub topping from the bottom. That's what the term is. So it can be that you go to your girlfriend James and say, "You know what I'd really like? I'd really love it if you got on your knees and just touched my inner thighs." And you're asking for it, but then you say, "And then I just want to close my eyes and just pretend like you're this masseuse, and I'm just going to surrender and not say anything else." and then you tell me what you'd like to do next. So it's like you're starting it.

Yeah, like you're creating your own adventure together. Who could ever say no to that? That was such a sexy— I want to go massage Dolly's thighs.

Yeah, me too. I'm like, I feel like if I said that, it would come off loud and direct, like I just practiced. So I feel like I would— yeah, but you know what, that might just be the kind of Dom you are. You might—

I don't, I don't know.

There's no right, there's no right or wrong way.

No, But that's just playing with it. The whole Dom stuff, it's like when you want to find out, like especially for women or men, you look at the archetypes. This is what I learned from a door. You look at the archetypes of women from history, women from literature, from the silver screen, from the news, superheroes, whatever. So you look and you kind of list them. It's a great exercise to do with girlfriends. We can do it later. So then you figure out who you like.

For vulva mapping and wine.

You figure out who you resonate with, um, and like who you idolize. It's Cleopatra, if it's Medusa. It doesn't have to just be like the sweet women. It can be like the badass, like intense women. And then you find out the attributes. Then you start writing their attributes. Then once you figure out all the attributes and you circle the ones that seem to keep coming up, and then you kind of see who are you jiving with, who are you resonating with.

Doesn't mean who you are in our sexual selves or in our Who in ourselves, because I know these exercises are like who you might identify as one thing in your life, but it's not how you are sexually. It's not your erotic story.

You have to decide because when I did mine, I did this recently and mine were, um, like the, the attributes were like, you know, healer to be, to be reviewed, revered, loving, um, mischievous, like all of these types of things. And it was kind of more like caretaker, what have you. Have you. And then I started to see these other things, like my Magdalena. I wrote down Magdalena, somebody I really was into. Like a little bit of the outsider, a little bit of the, you know, rebel, right? Kind of. So then you kind of look to see, you know, maybe today I'm going to be the nurturer caretaker, and then the next day I'm going to be, you know, the little rebel. So it's just you finding that voice, because you, the way you just said that, you're so direct. You'd be like, you know what, get on your knees.

Yeah, it'd be fine. This is the thing about sex, that everything goes from somebody else than the way I, I think I sound. Listen, you could say anything you want in bed if you are fully embodying and if you feel good about it and it's coming from like your true place that you figured out that's where you feel the most dumb. There's not like a right way to even ask what you want, to talk dirty, all the things. That's why with porn people are like, oh, I, I don't want to talk dirty because I feel like I should just do it the way I saw it. We all get to develop our own dirty voice.

Exactly.

Our own way of asking for it.

And then if you can just tell somebody, I want you to touch, or tell me to touch, I won't touch you unless you tell me exactly where and how. I like that.

All right.

Then you're passing the baton.

Yeah. Keep passing the baton. That's such a good thing. So Dolly, my dear friend, um, I just, we could all listen to you all night. PleasureMuse.com. She's @PleasureMuse. Thank you, Dolly, for being here. Find her at the Pleasure Muse. Pleasure Muse, it'll all be in the show notes, pleasuremoves.com. Dolly, so amazing, so inspiring. We're all super turned on by you and everything that you've shared about being more connected to your body. There's so many different paths to pleasure, so that's very inspiring. All right, Business with Emily. Find me Monday through Friday from 5 to 7 PM Pacific on SiriusXM Stars for even more awesome sex talk calls and segments. It's a great time. You can find more at sexwithemily.com XM. Also follow me on all social media. It is Sex with Emily across the board— Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. And you know, if you have any email questions and everything, it's feedback@sexwithemily.com. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.