Best Of: More Foreplay, More Orgasms

And those moments of kissing and touching and slowing down new experiences. New sensations don't need to be sexual or physical. They can be verbal connections. It could be spontaneous gifts. Reinforcing the commitment to your relationship could be a really important part of the difference between good sex and bad sex. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. In today's Best up episode, dive into the Psychology of Foreplay and Intimacy. A fascinating study on the difference between good and bad sex and how to get aroused with specific and quite sexy pre game tips. We also talk about what to do with foreplay and overall sex with your partner has gotten a bit stale, how to tease and arouse yourself, what to do if your partner doesn't want to explore new things, and how to handle a partner who won't reciprocate foreplay. Plus, I answer your questions lot in this episode. I think you're going to love it. As always, you can let me know. I'd love to hear from you. Please Rate Review Sex With Emily Wherever you listen to the show, we so appreciate when you do that. It helps get the show out to more people. I just want to wish everyone a happy New Year. We've got a lot of exciting things coming at you in 2024 with sex with Emily. So thanks everyone for being along. As we head into our 19th year, my new articles, how to have the Best New Year's Eve kiss ever and five ways to be a better lover in 2024 are up on sex with emily.com all right everyone, enjoy this episode.

Okay, let's be real. Confidence is sexy in and out of the bedroom, and when it comes to performance, sometimes a little support makes a big difference. So whether you're craving more stamina, fuller erections, or you're just looking to level up your pleasure game, there's a tool that's been helping people feel more empowered for years. Meet Bathmate, the world's leading hydropowered penis pump. These aren't gimmicks. They're FDA registered, backed by science, and designed to give real, lasting results. At Bathmate Direct, you'll find pumps that naturally support size, strength and blood flow, helping you experience bigger, harder, more energized erections over time. And because they work with water, they're more comfortable, more effective, and way safer than traditional air pumps. With just a few minutes a day, the Bath Bait Hydro Pump can help you increase sizing girth, gradually boost Confidence in and out of the bedroom, improve stamina and performance, support stronger erections through better blood flow. And the best part, it's all natural, non invasive and totally shower friendly. You can literally work out your sexual wellness while you wash your hair. It's iconic. Right now, Bathmate Direct is giving our listeners 10% off when you use code swe10@bathmate direct.com. that's Bathmate Direct B A T H M A T E D I r e c t.com use code swe10 for 10% off. So head to bathmate direct.com use swe10 and level up your confidence.

So I often say that foreplay starts after the last orgasm. And what I mean by that is foreplay should really happen all day, every day. So I want to break down the importance of foreplay for a really dynamic situation sex life, and then give you some tips for making foreplay hotter than ever and answer your foreplay questions. So let's talk about foreplay for a minute because I think it does get a bad rap in the sense of you often hear that women vulva owners want foreplay, penis owners don't want foreplay. And there's this notion that it's always something that we're nagging for. Like women back in the day, they just want foreplay and men are just ready to go. And I'm just going to dispel all of those myths today. But first let me define what foreplay is. So foreplay also can be called outer course, which I actually like that better because foreplay to me is a term that just centers on it being the precursor to sex. And that sex is all about penetration. Penis goes in vagina. And in my mind, sex should not be only about that. Foreplay is basically a sexual activity defined as a sexual activity that happens before sexual intercourse. Again showing that it's happening before the main event. So sort of the warm up. And foreplay doesn't have to always lead to intercourse. Typically things like kissing, cuddling, touching, talking. I love foreplay. Sometimes I think that foreplay could be the main event, or it is the main event, at least in my life. So I'd love you to start thinking differently. We can put all of this under the sex umbrella. All of these sex acts, intercourse, kissing, oral sex. And I'd love them all to be sort of an equal playing field. You get to choose any one of them. You can just have oral sex. And I'd say you had sex that night. So, you know, I often say that your brain is the largest Sex organ. And it really applies to what I'm talking about when I say foreplay all day. Because it's really psychological. Because foreplay, what happens is our brains need to get on board for sex. So are we thinking about sex? You're connecting to your partner. Maybe they sent you a sexy text. Maybe you showered together in the morning and saw each other's bodies. And then that sort of. That kept fueling your day. You were looking forward to the evening where you got to see your partner again. Because when we don't have any kind of foreplay or any kind of warmup or arousal, and then we go right into penetration, a lot of us, especially vulva owners, find ourselves not really prepared. Like, we're not turned on, we're not aroused. And what I really need you to understand is that if you have a penis and you get around, you get turned on, you're ready to go, you have an erection, you are warmed up, you're all primed, and you're like, I do not want to stop it. The train is in motion, and you have that animalistic urge, and you're ready to go. Now, if you happen to be with someone with a vulva, they don't get aroused in the same way. It doesn't mean they can't get aroused and they won't get aroused. But it's not spontaneous. It's more responsive. It responds to things happening beforehand, Hence foreplay. Not because anything's wrong with your penis. There's just a lot to understand. The psychology and the arousal and desire process that differs between genders. And some of the benefits of foreplay is that think of it this way, it's actually getting us aroused, getting us more turned on, more in the mood. So physiologically speaking, foreplay causes an increase in blood flow to your genitals. So this helps lubricate your vagina. You're getting aroused. That's where the wetness can come in. And it also allows you to feel more intimate with your partner. You have that emotional intimacy. And for many of us, we need all of those things to be in place. We need to. To talk about our day with you. You know, we want to be touched in a way that will turn us on. We want to lower our stress. You know, if there's a lot of stuff happening in the home that's making us anxious or worried or stressed. Remember, stress is the biggest killer of our sex drive. And it doesn't do very well for our desire and our arousal. So that's why kissing is great. Because when we kiss. That triggers a release of oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin. It lowers the cortisol, which is responsible for stress and increases our feelings of affection and bonding and euphoria, and it increases our ability to get aroused. We require especially a lot of vulva owners require foreplay to be in the mood for any kind of sex. And so for some of us, it's like we're just happy that our partner emptied the trash cans, that they asked about our day, that they we felt intimately connected, we talked about our work day, and we had really exciting ideas exchanged. And that got me in the mood. Like a really hot. Like a lot of you calling in your sapiosexuals, turned on by the brain, the mind. I'm the same way. If I have a hot conversation with someone that's smart and intense and we're totally vibing on similar topics, I'm like, I am so ready to go right now. And so the more we can kind of think about foreplay as these activities that will bring you towards a shared state of arousal, the better. Because what I've also heard from men is, oh, I'm going to lose. Like I said, I've said this, that men are going to lose their erection because then they think, well, I'm turned on, but now I gotta do all the work. I gotta go down to my partner, I gotta make sure she's ready, I gotta slow this down, I gotta cuddle, and then I gotta have sex and do all the work again. But what I'm saying is, if you plant all of these seeds throughout the day, throughout the evening, when you're together, there's way less work in the traditional foreplay sense, because you're all ready to go. You're all amped up because you've been connecting. That's the key to this. This is what I want you to understand. All right, let's get into your emails. This is from Erica, 32, in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your show and thanks for being the greatest expert on this. My question is, how can I get my boyfriend to want sex more or have more rounds? He's a great boyfriend and we've been together for two years, but I feel like I'm more sexual than he is. I also feel like he is logical with everything, including sex. And I am more like, I want the hot, aggressive, passion sex. Most of the time we have sex, it's like straight to the point, no warming up, eating me out, doing anything to me. I feel like I'm the girl in the Netflix movie Sex Life. If you haven't watched it, please do the great. This show is an example of how your voice would be super beneficial. I totally get it. I saw it. It's great. He is sensitive and I am not sure how to bring this up. Thank you for your email. Erica, here's the deal.

If I could tell you, you wouldn't believe me if I told you. How many people are not talking to their partners about sex because we're so afraid that our partners are going to be upset, we're going to hurt their ego and they're so sensitive, blah, blah, blah. But listen, it's part of their jobs is to be attentive lover. And I don't know where this notion came from that we have to protect our partners from something that is so important in the relationship. And the fact that we don't talk about it is the reason why so many of us are silently suffering and through really bad, mediocre sex. So I'm just gonna emphasize that in every show until we all get this. So bring it up in a gentle way. Let him know that great sex takes work. Foreplay can start outside the bedroom. He needs to understand what great sex looks like to you. Many partners don't even know what's on the table sexually. Maybe that's the way he's always had sex. He always went right to penetration. He just doesn't know. And probably every other woman before you also didn't want to bruise his ego and didn't know how to say it. So we just remain mute. We remain mute and we walk around suffering and biting our tongues and not saying anything because of these sensitive partners. But I think he just doesn't know. I'm going to give him the benefit of doubt and say he doesn't even know. So you get to say, hey, I want to tell you some things I've been learning and some things I know about myself. Foreplay can start outside the bedroom. You guys could be doing activities together. You could be doing things that kind of unite you that. That you know, that can enhance intimacy. Having a fun night and doing exciting things together can also be a form of foreplay. This would be the time to have these conversations with him and let him know what you've learned about your needs and going back to sex life. Yeah, I mean, that was about a partner who. Who had fantasies kept, remember missing about her ex who was great in bed and then her current husband who was very logical and by the book, just did not want to. Wasn't able to go there with her sexually. And some of this is personality types. There are some people who will never be on board to get our needs met. And then there's some that just. I just like to say that need more information. They need to understand that, oh, by me making you feel good in this way, you know, it's really going to enhance our relationship in so many other ways because you're gonna be more turned on. You're gonna feel more connected to me. There's gonna be fewer resentments. So sometimes we have to give them the background, the psychology. It's not just you asking for something and they're not giving it that. It's really about, you know, being a fulfilled partner, and I think he needs to know that. This is from Rico, 26, in London. Hey, Dr. Emily. Your podcast has changed me and my partner's life. Thank you. We are 26 and have been dating for six years. I'm lucky to have her as my soulmate. Sex is great. However, I sometimes get weird feelings when I see my high school crush pics on my Instagram feed and even fantasize having threesomes with them. How do I deal with these kind of real life fantasies and the haunting of how sex would be with your high school crush? All right, Rico. I would just like to normalize extracurricular fantasies about high school crushes, because this is something that is so common. It's okay, Rico. I mean, high school was a time when you were free. You're younger. It was another part of yourself. It was the first crush you ever had. Maybe were the. Were the women in high school, you were a man, and it's such a new experience. And then they were on. You know, maybe you weren't with them. They were crushes. They're unattainable. But that's also a really hot element in a fantasy is to fantasize about things that we can't have.

And so it's all okay. I want you to understand that there's no thought police. No one's gonna come knocking on a door saying, like, hey, Rico, I heard that you're fantasizing about, you know, these women from high school. It doesn't sound like it's something you're gonna act on right now. You're, you know, and I wouldn't recommend it unless you've had a lot of conversations with your partner about fantasies and about what you guys are into. So, you know, just remember there's two kind of fantasies. There's the fantasies that we get to Keep to ourselves that we don't need to share or want to share. And then there's the ones that we would like to share with a partner. And I think we pretty much know which ones those are, but you can just take a check. Why am I. Why am I bringing this up to my partner? Is my partner someone that would be down with this fantasy? Is it something that we've already discussed and laid the groundwork for even having fantasies or acting things out together? So I don't think you're. You're there yet with her. You haven't told me that part of it, but I would keep working on the relationship with your partner. And I'm telling you, the less you beat yourself up and the less guilt you feel about this, and the more you just let yourself have your sexual fantasies, the better and freer you will feel to explore your sexual self and to. Maybe other fantasies will come in and maybe you'll find a point with your partner where you guys can start talking about, you know, kind of things you guys want to do together sexually. Because that's hot, too. All right, thanks for your email, Rico. Okay, this is from Lawrence, 27, in Texas. Hey, Dr. Emily. First, I wanna say I really enjoyed listening to your podcast. I've learned a lot about sex and what I enjoy, so thank you. I recently got married, and I love my wife, but our sex is horrible. And I'm sure she'd agree. I've gotten to the point where I don't really want to have sex with her. It's not that I don't love her, but there's not really any effort during sex on her end. And she doesn't give me oral sex anymore. It's been two years. What to do? All right, well, Lawrence, I love that you've learned what you like in the last two years. You've figured out what you like, and it sounds like she might not know what she likes, what good sex is or feels like. So now it is her turn. Have you talked to her about it? You know, especially if you think she would agree that your sex is mediocre right now. You think she'd want to figure out what would make it less so. You're married and your sex life is horrible. So a conversation with her saying, I figured out some things that are great for me. Let some time. Let's take some time to figure out what is good for you. Has she masturbated? Has she. Does she understand her body? Does she knows what feels good to her? You know, just say to Her. I don't want to go the rest of our lives or the rest of our marriage like this. It's been two years. We can turn it around. I mean, two years is still the beginning of a relationship, essentially of a marriage. So you get to say, you know what, let's wipe the slate clean. It's not great now, but let's. Let's work together on creating the building blocks to better sexual. And that's gonna be slowing down and talking and figuring out her body, because I have also found that a lot of bad sex is because we don't. We've never had great sex. You know, does she know what pleasure in her body feels like? Has she masturbated? So these are all the kind of questions you wanna have, especially since you've been figuring out your own body. And now it's her turn. So. And let me just talk to you. If you haven't really thought about the importance of foreplay, I wanna share something with you that I think really illustrates this. So we had doctors John and Julie Gottman on the show. It's a great episode. The Gottmans on compatibility, conflict and conversation. If you haven't heard it, they are the brains behind so much important sex research for the last 40 years. But what they did was they mentioned a great study about key differences between couples with a great sex life and those with a bad sex life. So the studies looked at 70,000 couples in over 24 countries. And people who believe they had great sex shared some things in common. And here's what was in common. They kissed each other passionately for no reason. Remember I talked about all those feel good hormones that get released. They say I love you every single day, and they mean it. They give surprise romantic gifts. They know what turns their partners on and off erotically. They're physically affectionate, even in public. And they keep playing and having fun together. They cuddle. They make sex a priority, not an item on a long to do list. And I want to go back to playing and having fun together. Some of this foreplay all day could be you and your partner went off and shared some experience together. You went to the farmer's market. You know, maybe that excites you. Picking out fresh fruits. Maybe you went the gym together. I mean, couples that do things together tend to be more connected and tend to have more. An easier time connecting, at least sexually. So those are all the couples that. They say I love you every day. They stay good friends. They talk comfortably about their sex life. They've weekly dates. Can't drive this home enough. How important is for couples to have a non negotiable weekly sex date? They take romantic vacations. So what do you think the couples will the best bad sex life. And they all shared similarities in their answers. Ready? Spend very little time together. They become job centered. They talk mostly about their huge to do lists. They make everything else, everything else a priority other than their relationship. They drift apart. They lead parallel lives and they do not communicate in a healthy way. So what I'm saying about this study is intentional time with your partner makes a difference between good sex and bad sex and a good relationship and a bad relationship. And those moments of kissing and touching and slowing down, new experiences, new sensations. You don't need to be sexual or physical. They can be verbal connections. It could be spontaneous gifts. Reinforcing the commitment to your relationship could be a really important part of the difference between good sex and bad sex. All right, we talked about the importance of foreplay and how to prioritize it, but what are we actually supposed to do in the moment? What if you're like, okay, Emily, I'm on board. I want more foreplay. What do we do? So here's some practical tips for engaging in some amazing foreplay. First, set the mood. A great way to start is your five senses. You know, I love talking about the five senses because I think that they're really helpful for helping us ground in the moment. So think about the sight. Where do you want the light? Do you want to have your lights on a dimmer? Do you want some candles lit? I think it's great to have two different light sources, you know, like just not those super bulbs, those super white bulbs. But you can have some dimming lights and some candles. Sound, put on some music, you know, at a nice volume, at a comfortable volume that makes you feel relaxed or in the mood. Only you know what that music is and then the scent. Like setting the mood would have to do with like lighting candles, burning palo santo oils. You could have oil. Like I have a diffuser at my house that I always light with like lavender, jasmine, rose, whatever makes you feel good when you have all of these senses ignited. And then there's touch. The thing about touch is also in this scenario is like sheets. Getting some really good sheets. So you know when you're with somebody, like, these sheets feel good. Having really fluffy soft pillows on your couch. Wherever you're going to be engaging in all this foreplay, even just surrounding yourself with good quality materials and sheets are so important for this. Also thinking about what you're wearing can help. You know, I know when I'm just walking around in my sweats, I'm like, oh God, I'm ready to put pants on. Like, I feel better just for myself. Like all genders. What makes you feel sexy? What outfits do you feel good in? Whether it's lingerie or cosplay or costumes or role play. Role plays, a really fun thing to do with your partner. You know, pull out those Halloween costumes. Don't just save for Halloween or go shopping together. Buy some wigs. Like, get excited about a new role play activity that you could do together. So taste you guys. Yes, our bodies are delicious. But you can also play around with tasty foods in your home. Things that make you get you in the mood. I don't know. I love having like strawberries and chocolate. And as cliche as it might sound, it's because thus some food is sexy to eat. Oh, of course. I love flavored lube. You know, you've got the mood set. Don't you already feel more in the mood? Well, maybe you're thinking, what do I do next? Well, that I. One of my top tips is to slow down, go five times slower, pay attention to your partner. And let's emphasize again, outer course. Try a massage candle. And outer course is really all about touch and your partner feeling your hands on their body without going right for the genitals. Sometimes our genitals are not warmed up again. So this is where you get to explore the primary, the secondary erogenous zones, which there's many. There's many erogenous zones on our body and we usually just think of a few of them. Could be your neck, your feet, your inner elbow. Get curious about all those parts. I love a good session of sensory play. And this is where you could have a bowl of ice cubes next to the bed. You could use some of System Joe's. They have a cooling lube. They have heating lubes, heating pads, warm compresses, massage candles. Just play with different temperatures. There's different sensations like feathers and scarves. There's different sensations that feel great when you're playing with your partner. You can also do a little strip tease for your partner. Really? They're for yourself. Do you ever strip tease and look at yourself in the mirror? It's kind of hot. This is where also dirty talking and sexting, I mean, foreplay can be sending your partner a sexy text and telling him what you look forward to doing later. All of this counts. Well, sexting is great because it's a way to create anticipation for what comes next or what you're into. You could also, you know, let your partner know it's something you want to try. Because sometimes those conversations can be really awkward to have them one on one with your partner. So if you're like sexy text thinking about tasting you later, you know, can't stop thinking about last night, and then you know what it is when you get one of those texts, your. Your heart races, you get excited. Well, that's what we're talking about. Keeping your own pilot light lit, keeping that energy flow going. And if you want help with dirty talk and sexting, we have a great article on our site and ask Emily, how do I get better at dirty talk? We also have a podcast, Talk Dirty to Me with Joanna Angel. Role playing is a really fun way to spice it up. I mean, really just wearing a wig or playing sexy strangers and going to a bar with different names, all that stuff is just like one thing different that you could do to play together and continue to connect outside the bedroom. After this word from our sponsors. I answer a question from Jenny, who's never had an orgasm. Oh, don't worry, Jenny. We've got this. Be right back.

We have Jenny, 37, from New York City. Hello. Hi. Hi, Jenny. Hi. How are you? Thanks for calling in. Are you kidding?

Thank you.

You're so welcome. How can I help you?

I don't think I've ever had an orgasm.

Okay.

Like, the same thing kind of always happens, like with a partner or with myself. It's like, I get there. I get to the point where I'm like, here it is, this is it. It's happening. And then there's no final button. There's no involuntary release. That's what it's supposed to be, right? Some kind of explosion? Yeah, I don't. I don't have.

Tell me about your masturbation routine.

Infrequent and inconsistent.

Well, masturbation is a practice. And the way you're going to have your first orgasm and you're going to know you have an orgasm is if you spend time developing that relationship with yourself. That's really how we become the greatest lovers to everybody, to our partners and to ourselves, is to just say, you know, I had my best friend in college, she decided that she was going to as our junior year and she had an internship, and she said, I'm going to go away for a month and I'm going to spend every day for 30 days masturbation. She never had orgasm. And I'm going to try every day to masturbate. And it didn't happen the first week, didn't happen the second week. But by the third week, she finally had an orgasm. She finally figured out her body. It took her every night for three weeks, four weeks. It's a practice. I've never heard of masturbation or orgasm until I was 25. And then I was pissed that no one told me. Right. Same, same. But like it won't happen without you committing to it. And then you will know. So what's the.

How do you know when it's an actual physical anatomical problem and when it's like an emotional mental block?

They're all related. And that's the thing about orgasms too. Like, what's a quick fix? Like, I could tell you get a toy. But if you're on certain medications, if you have a lot of stress and you hold your body really tight, if you had grew up in an environment where there was a lot of shame around sex, you were told it wasn't okay to be sexual, that if you masturbate you'll go to hell. Someone shamed you in high school once. You know, it's all of these things that factor into it.

So is there a world in which there's an actual physical problem and it's an anatomical problem that's not overcomeable? Is that an actual thing? Because I've listened to the podcast that said it was like 10% of women.

No, I. I'm telling you, I've never met somebody. I think that most women are pre orgasmic, but they're not unable to orgasm. And when I say anatomy, maybe that was confusing. I should explain it. There has been studies that show that where how close your clitoris is to your vaginal opening, if it's less than like a thumb less than an inch closer to your vaginal opening, you're more likely to have an orgasm during penetration. That's all. It's like literally imperceptible. So don't even. I mean, I really have never had anyone call in and say, I've tried everything you said, Emily. I didn't have an orgasm. So I don't know where that 10% lives. I've never heard from them. Maybe they stop listening to the show and they just get. I don't know. But if you told me that, yeah, I've been trying everything. I bought toys and I use them regularly and I used lube and I breathed and I spent some time alone myself and I touched my body and I thought about Sexy things. Or I just breathed and did some mindful masturbation. And I did it for an hour or 30 minutes, several times for a month, and it didn't work. Then we could talk. But I'm not hearing that from you. Okay, that's fair.

I don't think I've done all that level of work. But, like, how do you get over that hump of how do you get to. Because for me, it's like, I get to that point, like, this is it. It's happening. This has got to be it. And then there's no explosion. It more kind of dissipates.

Tell me about this hump. Is it when you're with a partner or by yourself masturbating? Both.

Well, okay, so for example, the other day I was, you know, having sex with my boyfriend, who I love having sex with, and, you know, I got to the point I was like, oh, my God, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop. And then instead of an involuntary release, it was more like a. This can't go anywhere else. I needed to stop. And so it's sort of.

Was that something from your brain or your body? Did your body start to say, this is all I could go, did you have pain?

I wouldn't call it pain. No, it's not pain.

Okay.

But it does get a little. It's. There's a little discomfort. It's more like unless this releases, it's uncomfortable.

Okay.

And they released happen. So I'm like, let's turn this off.

Now, the majority of vulva owners, if they're going to have an orgasm, it starts with the clitoris. It's external. And the reason most. And you know this, the majority of. Of vulva owners, vagina owners, they do not have an orgasm with anything inside of them. It's all from the clitoris, which is external clitoral stimulation. How. How much time are you spending on the outside?

I would say not. Not much.

Okay. Like a. Like a minute. Because it starts to get uncomfortable on the outside. What do you mean by that?

Is it gets just too intense. It just gets too. And it just becomes too much, and I don't like it anymore.

I want to get my.

Hold on.

I want to get my vulva puppet.

Hold on.

I need to get some pops. One second. Okay, so this is your. Your vulva, right? Which is the external part. Okay, so this is your vagina, right? That's where, like, penis goes inside. And then this is your clitoris. This is the inter. So this goes behind. Okay. This is your clitoral. Your clitoral nerves. It's at 8,000 nerve endings. And everybody assumes it's just this little bulb here, but there's actually the clitoris has legs. So the legs are deep inside. And so the thing is, is that the majority of us, this whole area just externally rubbing, this is what could turn you on. So if you're taking the vibrator, whatever it is, and you're going.

And then you're like, there's no lube and there's no arm, and then you stick it inside, that's not going to feel good for most people. But have you spent time just teasing it? Like, for me, if I would need to tap with fingers and spend. Could take 20 minutes. The majority of. There's something called the orgasm gap. Do you know that majority of men can orgasm in 4 minutes to 6? 4 to 6 minutes? And for the majority of vulva owners, it's 18 to 40 minutes.

Makes sense. That checks out.

I'm going to say, have you ever had any, like, accidents or something happen when you were, like, riding a bike? Did you have any tears? You have any surgeries?

No, no, but I, you know, I was raised, you know, with an Italian Catholic mother, and I was definitely raised on why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? And, you know, if you have sex before marriage, you're never going to find a husband. Ironically, all my slutty friends from high school are married kids, and I'm still single. You know, I had sex late in life, my mid-20s, when I had sex for the first time. So there is. There is some of that. I definitely did not start masturbating until my 20s.

Okay.

So I'm definitely playing a little bit of catch up. But at this point, I'm kind of like, why is this just, like, not happening? And I'm also the guy who I really like having sex with, who I trust, and it just seems like it should just be happening, happening naturally. And it's not.

So it doesn't happen naturally. It doesn't happen to me. Now I have to, like, think I have to have things. I need the lube. I need the Really, I need to be someone I trust and they like and everything's cleaned up and my house and the sheets are like. I feel like you. You are so focused on how it should be, right? Honestly, I don't orgasm. I won't orgasm every time. If I grab my vibrator, I know that I will. But this takes practice. So I think that maybe for what I'm hearing is it's kind of a combination of growing up in a home where it wasn't okay. Because listen, we don't just turn 18 and leave our parents house and we leave all that behind. You just hear that messaging, you grew up and it doesn't just go away. So I think that once you start to say, does this message still serve me? Do I still believe that? And if it still comes up, like if you could just start in chunks and just say, I'm going to keep taking myself back to my breath and what I'm feeling in the moment. If your thoughts arise, you could say, I'm going to give it 30 minutes a day. I mean, I think you're worth that. 30 minutes a day without your phone and without. You could try some mindful masturbation. Just really a practice of focusing on your senses and what you're feeling in the moment when your mind's wandering. Is this it? You get curious, you take a mirror, you look between your legs and you're like, if you do this, you'll see, look at your. See your eyes just opened up like you would never. Your eyes, Jenny, you haven't done this yet. I saw your reaction. Take a look, get to know her. And you'll notice that when you take some lube and you go slow, she starts to swell. It starts to open. It's like beautiful. That's like the Georgie o'. Keeffe. The orchid opens. That is our body, our flower. Like if you haven't done that yet, then there's still some shame around it.

Yeah.

I'm asking you to commit to me that you'll try this. I know saying every day is hard, but what if it's three days a week and you're just gonna do. All you're gonna do is you're gonna take a look, some lube, you're gonna breathe and you're gonna just go slow. Practice with different fingers, with different motions around your clitoris, the vibrator, breathe. You could think about things that have happened that have turned you on in the past. Read erotica. Watch Bellesa. Female friendly porn you can check out for free. Porn that speaks to you. Might make you feel like you're not in your head. Worrying is just the orgasm. You'll get caught up in the fantasy and the romance of it. Have you ever tried that?

I have not.

Okay. I would check out Bellesa and then we do have a mindful masturbation side on our site. Six tips for mastering the Game changing technique of mindful masturbation. So I think just kind of reframing this. I do not believe that you are going to be unable to have an orgasm. I just. I will not buy that.

That sounds terrible.

I know. What a life is that gonna be? I would never have had one if I didn't get this job to figure out, like, make it my life's work so I can help people like you. There's a lot of people in the same boat as you.

All right?

And we're gonna do what you called it, Jenny. Three times a week, 30 minutes.

That's my homework.

Okay, 30 minutes, three times a week. And I want you to report back to me. I'm invested. We're all invested. You got this, Jenny. There is nothing wrong with you. Okay, Call back.

Thank you.

We're gonna follow up. Thank you very much for calling.

Thanks, Emily.

You got this. Have a good night. Bye. I wish I could sit in a room with all of y' all and just say like, okay, let's get out our mirrors. Let's take a look. Here's what's actually happening. You look at this. Jenny's face was like, oh, her eyes bugged out that I have to look at my vulva. Why would we, our bodies give our pleasure if we have shame around our bodies. I mean, this is so, so common. But you haven't done everything. If you haven't spent time alone understanding your body, how would we be able to truly let go and have an orgasm? When orgasm is all about release and it's all about trust in someone else and it's all about, like, accepting what's going to happen. And if we're still holding on to belief so that it's not possible and we're in our heads, it's not going to happen. So everybody take out a mirror, get some lube, and commit. I think that you all deserve a little bit of self love at least three days a week. Let me know how it goes. Okay? This is from Julia, 32, in California. Hey, Dr. Emily. I have to have a procedure to remove abnormal cells from my cervix to help prevent cervical cancer. My doctor told me I won't be able to have sex or put anything in my vagina for four to six weeks. Sex is a huge part of my relationship with my boyfriend and how we connect with each other. He's super supportive of me getting this procedure, but I want to sure we stay connected sexually. I love to give him a head and please him, but I don't want My pleasure to be put on the back burner because penetration isn't an option. Any ideas how we can do this? Yes. Well, I'm wishing you a speedy recovery here. And I have to say that this is exactly what we're talking about here, is sex doesn't not necessarily have to be defined by penetration. So what a great time to explore massage with him, to explore each other's different erogenous zones. Nipples, neck playing, kissing, making out, doing all the things that maybe you don't normally do, because it is all about penetration. You could spend one night that's on your pleasure and then one night that is on his pleasure, so he can really kind of find parts of your body that feel good. He can also, you know, you can do that to him one night, get some toys to play with, you know, maybe get some fun toys that can stimulate you, Stimulate him. You could. There's a lot of external pleasure to be had. I'm just saying. So if there's stuff you've been wanting to try and explore together, you could download our yes, no, maybe list. That could be a great place to start. And find things on there that do not involve penetration. A lot of them don't. It's like 80 different sex acts. And so you can start from there. And I think what a great time in these four to six weeks where you can really start to deepen your knowledge of what each other's into sexually when sex isn't on the table right now and really grow at these times. I think the times where our bodies have to kind of slow down because of a medical condition or operations is also a time where we can really choose to spend that time working on other parts of ourselves. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe. Subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, you can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com askemily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

There's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human health. Magnesium. And here's the thing. No single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age. Well, Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really noticed calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body, which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualialife.com sex with Emily for 50% off and here's a bonus, use the code Sex with Emily for an additional 15% off your order. That's Q U A L I A life.com sexwithemily thanks for Qualia for sponsoring this episode.