Best Of: Orgasms & Oral (No Penetration Required)

My top advice for penis owners going down on vulva owners, or anyone going down on a vulva owner, to be honest, is to say, hey, babe, settle in. Don't get up. I'm not going anywhere. This is all about you. Do you know this collective sigh of relief that we can all experience when we just know that our partner truly wants to be there and wants to please us and is going to do what it takes? Well, I want that for you and I want you to get there.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. You all know that one of my biggest goals is to decenter sex from penetration. Well, that's why in today's best of episode, I'm talking about all the ways we can pleasure ourselves and our partners with no penetration required. I also answer questions about erectile challenges, orgasming from oral, and the dreaded jackhammer. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new articles, the best sex toys according to your zodiac sign and low Lift Pleasure Hacks. Five everyday items that elevate your sex life are up on sex with emily.com all right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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Today's episode is an ode to all the different forms of non penetrative sex we can have and how we can open ourselves up to more more pleasure, more intimacy and more connection when we ditch old scripts around sex and actually reflect on the types of touch and vibe we want when we connect sexually with another person. Now, I'll be honest, I love penetration. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I'm a big fan, like I'm sure lots of you are. But for a long time here, I've been encouraging all of you to expand your definition of sex. Why? Because it's so limiting to think of sex as only one act. Penetration. You know, penis goes into vagina sex. And let me remind you that the majority of vulva owners aren't going to have an orgasm through penetration. In fact, only 20% of vulva owners do have orgasms through penetration. And of those vulvas, it's not every single time. And in fact, this might make a lot of penis owners feel a little bit better here, that a lot of the pleasure that vulva owners are going to receive really have nothing to do with your penis. It has to do with your mouth, it has to do with your hands, has to do with other things that you bring to the table, maybe even dirty talk, maybe even some other things could really get your partner going. But the penis is just less important when it comes to a lot of things that have to do with pleasure. So that's another reason to not necessarily focus all of your sex on this act of penetration. When someone's pleasure can happen in other ways. And there's also the orgasm gap. Whereas penises are gonna orgasm way more frequently than people with vulvas. That's how it goes. And so finding other ways to have pleasure and have orgasm is really a crucial part of being an excellent lover. I wanna do the show in a way to reclaim the word sex and define it away from penetration alone and towards a more expansive set of behaviors. And we have role models. I mean, we have lots of examples of people defining sex on their terms rather than following a set of step steps. For example, when queer partners hook up, they often ask, hey, you know, what are you into? And let their favorite behaviors lead the way rather than following some script that was handed to them. It's not just about penetration. It's not just about this one kind of sex. And in my opinion, this is a protocol that would benefit all of us, causing us to reflect individually on how we want to experience another person's body and how we want a partner to experience ours. First, though, I thought it might be interesting to illuminate why penetrative P and V sex gets this revered standing in straight sex. From the 6th to 16th centuries, some Christian church authorities taught that intercourse should be face to face, penis owner on top. Primarily because they believe that semen flows with gravity, leading to conception, having babies, nation building. So again, penetration is great. I love it. But early Christianity had a solid PR machine and got the word out for hundreds of years that penetrative sex and missionary specifically was the sex to have, period. And it's my belief though, that the definition of sex is open for interpretation and we get to decide it's not one specific act. And to have sex means you are mindfully engaging in pleasure. Just because you're experiencing penetration doesn't mean you're having sex. I mean, if you ask me about two people in the act of penetration, but completely disconnected from one another and even disassociating while it's happening, I would not say they're having sex. I would say penetration is happening, but not sex. There's a clear distinction. So let's walk through what a night of sex might look like if you took penetration off the table. To make this whole experience less automatic, less rote, less going through the motions and more aligned with your legit desires. And that's what this show is about here, trying to get you to think about what are my desires? What does it mean to not have penetrative sex? So let's talk about specifically what those desires might be. So if we're all on the same page and we think about sex as exploration and how we explore each other and ourselves, well, I can see a night of non penetrative sex involving a few things. So the first would be touch. And this would include these long hot makeout sessions where you're really kissing again. You know, kissing is often the first thing that goes in a long term relationship. Do you ever notice that? Maybe I don't need to tell you that, but you bring back like a intentional makeout sesh, using your hands as well and kissing different parts of the face, the shoulders, the neck. That's really hot. Touch could also include a sensual massage. Get some massage candles, get some massage oil, and take turns really touching each other and exploring each other's bodies. And getting each other turned on for whatever comes next. I love central massage. I've been really into it. I have a massage table and some nights I partner and I'll just bring that out. And there's nights where it's all about my pleasure. Love those nights. But also nights it's all about his pleasure. And I actually love these nights because I know one person's getting the attention, but you know you're going to get it back. That's the thing. And I think if we can start thinking about sex as less transactional, though, and it's really just a night of giving. Why this is so great is because, for example, let's say there's a night the massage table is out. It's all about my pleasure. Well, I'm not thinking like, oh God, this massage feels great. I love what he's doing, but I know I'm gonna have to get up and I'm gonna do the same thing to him. Now I love my partner, don't get me wrong. But isn't really wonderful about the nights where you don't have to worry about giving back? You don't have to worry about what comes next. I mean, sometimes I just want to get this massage and just fall asleep on the table and get into bed and not have to worry that I somehow fell short in my sexual agreement. And because of this understanding that we're all going to get our pleasure at some point, it makes it a lot more satisfying. Now the other thing I love about touch is where you get to explore erogenous zones, like other erogenous zones, not just the primary erogenous zones. We know about the bud and the penis and the vagina, but with your hands and fingers and toys you can discover like secondary erogenous zones. Inner elbow, back of thigh, inner thighs. Because you get to go slow and really explore. Have you tried this lately? This is really fun stuff. I'm telling you. I hope you're taking notes or re listen to this episode or even better yet, share this with a partner. I'm telling you, it's gonna make your life a lot easier if you guys just have a night where you listen to this together or you both listen to it on the way to work and then you can discuss works a lot. And I love hearing from a lot of you that this has really helped your sex life and your relationships. Okay. Another thing a night of non penetrative sex could involve would be just oral, oral everything. And this includes kissing, bites, licks, sucking, you know, on the mouth, all over the body again, exploring. And this could be the torso, the inner thighs, obviously the genitals. Playing with toys and lubes and just using your mouth to explore. There's also self stimulation. This is the mutual masturbation sesh that I'm huge fan of.

You know, just lying back and you're both sort of getting off in the ways that you know how. But it's also really hot to watch your partner get there. Promise. Or if this could just be masturbation, that happens creatively. You know, make it your own. I had a listener write in recently explaining how she masturbated with a toy while going down on her partner. Genius. I mean, I love that. And to be honest, I've been doing that for years. But, hey, guys, I love this. Like, let's think differently. Let's think creatively. I guess what I'm saying is that there's just so many ways to have pleasure on your body, and a lot of these you might have dabbled in. But I'm saying, like, this can become your whole night. This could become your whole week. This could be a focus. All right. Another thing is toys. It's such a good time on vulvas and penises, let me remind you. And also, toys can be a great way to enhance this massage sesh I'm talking about can be great to put a massage oil on your partner's body and then take a toy and sort of use that toy over the massage lotion all over their body and exploring. Now I get it. Maybe it takes a beat to normalize the sound of a buzzing toy during sex. But I'm telling you, the benefit of these toys is that their vibrations reach deeper, more internal nerve endings than your hands or your mouth or your genitals ever can. It's not that toys are better or they're even required, but they're literally getting to places in your body that are just not possible otherwise. And it feels really freaking good. Think about what it would be like if you use toys on each other and you went really, really slow and you paused when you found, like, a particularly sensitive spot that you didn't even know existed. I'm telling you, this is possible. This happens when we just go into the hit it and quit it mode. Or this is what I've done every time with my toy. Like, that's how I've discovered. I know a lot of you have discovered so many other delicious erogenous zones and hot spots and things that feel good is by these toys that can help you get there and you keep having sex the same way. Penetrative sex, using a penis with the vulva, with hands and fingers. And that's all great. I'm not saying you ever need to elevate to toys, but toys just adds a little bit something more exploration and more pleasure and a little bit different kinds of pleasure than you could ever receive with just your body parts alone. All right, anal here. I specifically mean anal play. And I think a lot of what the anal sex questions that come in could really be about anal play. And this is using toys, hands, mouths, rather than just like, anal sex. You've got about a zillion nerve endings around and inside your anus. And, well, I know. I know it's the last taboo for a lot of you listening. Please just know I used to be right there with you. I'm like, it's taboo. It's a whole thing. It takes a lot of time. Anal's gonna be for special occasions and birthdays. But once you get out of the mindset of it's dirty, it's wrong. And you actually take steps to cleanse and prepare, because I know a lot of you worry, like, what if poop happens? Which it could happen. Or you don't feel clean enough, you don't feel safe enough. Or actually, when I say cleanse, you could cleanse all that negative conditioning you have around anal play. It can truly be one of the most intimate erotic sex acts and connecting sex acts you can experience. If you hear about all of these, I encourage you to think about choreographing a night of ideal sex where there's no penetration. Hey. And even if this choreography takes place in your imagination, it will tell you so much about the type of pleasure that appeals to you, and it'll help you get to know yourself as a neurotic person, because it puts you in the driver's seat of your pleasure, which I want you all to be in the driver's seat of your pleasure. That is not selfish. That is not a wrong thing to do. That is not somehow leaving your partner out. When you are in the driver's seat of your pleasure, you're much more able to give to your partner, to be that kind of leverage, your partner, you know, Otherwise, there's just a script that was handed to you, and that's how you're all having sex. But there's now a whole menu of options that you get to choose from. So I hope you are listening to these options right now, and some of them are resonating with you and getting you Even excited. When we come back, I'm answering an email from Heather who feels rushed to climax during oral with her partner. I got you, Heather. But first I want to tell you about one of our amazing sponsors who helps many people achieve incredible orgasms. And that is Lelo. I love Lelo so much. They make beautiful, luxurious sex toys. They feel great at everybody. But hold up. I need to tell you about their latest toy. It's called the Enigma Wave. This toy, if you have a vulva, this toy mimics oral sex and a finger using the come hither motion inside of you targeting your G spot so has suction on your clitoris. And the motion that allows a lot of vulva owners to have orgasms is in the tip of this toy. So you just have to see this. We're going to put this in the show notes because you just have to see it. It's a triple action sonic massager that changes the way you think about blended orgasms. And if you haven't had a blended orgasm, this is going to help you. In fact, I had my first blended orgasm with a very similar toy. But the Enigma Wave wasn't even invented yet. And this toy is going to blow your mind. It has signature wave motion technology for incred G spot stimulation. And also you can hit the sonic wave simulation on the clitoris and the insertable tail vibrates and moves along with you. There's so much goodness happening here. And if you're wanting to orgasm in different ways, this is the one for you. And if you want to try the enigma wave, get 25% off on all Lelo products. When you use the code Sex with Emily at checkout, just go to lelo.com, that's le l o.com and use code sex with Emily for 25% off or click the link in our show notes. Have a blended orgasm. Alright everyone, we'll be right back.

This is from Heather 40 in New Jersey. Hey Dr. Emily. I want to know how I can orgasm faster during oral sex. When my fiance goes down on me, I don't usually end up having an orgasm. It takes a while, over 20 minutes. Then he gets tired and can't keep it up. So we end up having sex. It leaves me hanging because I want an orgasm from him going down on me. I do masturbate and explore my body, but I need a lot of stimulation porn or a clitoral stimulator toy. And that toy only takes a couple minutes or even less. I even bought a toy that simulates oral sex and that takes minutes Too help. All right, Heather, here's the deal. Completely normal for the majority of vulva owners to take a while to have an orgasm during intercourse, at least 20 minutes. I mean, there is something called the orgasm gap, which means that it takes vulva owners longer on average to orgasm than penis owners. And penis owners are also more likely than vulva owners to orgasm during sex. The actual stats for this are it takes penis owners anywhere from like 8 to 10 minutes to orgasm overall, and it takes Vulva owners between 20 and 40 minutes. So there is a gap. And you are living in this world of the gap. We all are. We gotta close the orgasm gap. And if you want more info on this, you can check out our article, 4 Ways to Close the Orgasm Gap. But listen, while your desire to orgasm faster makes total sense, just know it takes a while and you want to make sure that your partner is into it. Now, the challenge here is that your partner is getting up and saying, I'm tired. I can't keep it up. My mouth hurts, my tongue hurts. So you just have sex and then you're left hanging, like you said, because you're not having orgasms. You're not having as much pleasure. You're not having your needs met. So I really think this is a conversation with your partner, with your fiance. You haven't been married yet. You haven't walked down the aisle yet. This is a fabulous time to talk to your fiance about your requirement and what you need to feel truly in your body, orgasmic and pleased. A lot of partners don't know this. This is not public knowledge. They don't know that you're not going to have an orgasm that way. And they don't know that it might feel hurtful for them to get up and say, I'm exhausted and I'm tired. I mean, my top advice for penis owners going down on vulva owners, or anyone going down on a vulva owner, to be honest, is to say, hey, babe, settle in. Don't get up. I'm not going anywhere. This is all about you. Do you know this collective sigh of relief that we can all experience when we just know that our partner truly wants to be there and wants to please us and is going to do what it takes? Well, I want that for you and I want you to get there. So this would be a conversation with your fiance outside the bedroom about the realities of orgasms when it comes to vulvas and penises. He just might need a refresher or some knowledge on that. But that being said, if you Are looking for faster ways to orgasm with your partner. Just might be helpful to expand your definition of sex. Because remember, sex can include mutual masturbation, watching porn together, using toys together. Use a toy during, before, after an oral sex, sesh or other sexual acts to help increase the stimulation and speed which you're able to orgasm. I mean that's what our toys are. Our friends there too. A toy is the sure thing for many of us. There should be no shame in your toy game, especially if your partner is not putting in all the time and effort. And listen not to bash your partner. Many penis owners, many of vulva owners are like, I don't have it in me. I don't have 20, 30 minutes to go down you, it hurts my neck, it hurts my mouth. I gotta go pay the bills, I'm busy. Whatever. I understand that life gets busy. So just know that toys are your friend. And also you mentioned your partner gets tired while giving you oral. And so please remind him he doesn't need to just rely on his mouth. He can use his hands, he can use different parts of his face, not just the tongue. He could use his lips. He can get creative. He can make sure that he is comfortable, that he's got a pillow supporting his neck or his knees or wherever he's laying. It's okay to mix it up. Try different positions. Remember, just because someone starts going down, he doesn't mean you can't take a switch. You can even break and get a snack. I don't care. Like just mix it up so everyone's comfortable and eventually everyone gets their needs met. All right, so let's have some conversations with him. Let's do some education. Let's have you feel confident exploring with your hands, your fingers or the toys in the middle of oral sex to make sure that you're getting yours and he's getting his. All right, thanks so much for your question, Heather. This is from Oba 23 in Nigeria. Hey, Dr. Emily. I had sex for the first time three months ago. Before then, I used to consume a lot of porn and masturbate a lot. The lack of sex is mostly as a result of my religious beliefs and now I'm ready to explore as much as I can. I noticed that when I have sex, I often lose my erections and have to wait to get hard again. This is beginning to have an effect on my self esteem and my desire to ever participate in any sexual relationship. I feel very confused and sad. Do I need to take Viagra? What should I do? Thank you for your Help. All right, Oba, I am so glad that you wrote in congratulations on your sexual debut, which is what I'd much rather call virginity, which is also another societal construction. Let's just say you had your sexual debut. You came out and had sex. So in terms of your recent challenges staying hard, there are several reasons why this happens. There could be some just residual shame from your religious background that could be getting in the way of your ability to stay present and mindful in the moment. Listen, just because we realize that we no longer adhere to a set of beliefs that was sort of forced upon us growing up doesn't mean that we immediately eradicate them, that they don't still haunt us and they don't still sort of take over when we're trying to be sexual. Like you shouldn't be sexual right now. This is wrong. You know, this is still somehow deeply shameful. So only, you know, Oba, if these messages are still there with you. And so what I would say is try to reframe and use some positive affirmations around your sexuality that allow you to realize that you are deserving of sexual pleasure. You are doing this. Pleasure is your birthright, and that you're not in harm's way. Nothing bad's going to happen to you. And as an adult, you're making a decision to put your sexual liberation, freedom, and pleasure on the forefront. Could also be nerves. Listen, there's a lot of penis owners who just get nervous and anxious being in a sexual moment, especially for the first time. So, yes, that would absolutely impact your ability to stay hard. And then this gets compounded and creates a cycle of fear, especially when it's happened in the past. And then this is when we get, like, cycles of erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. And the bummer about this is sometimes it just happens once. And then we get so fearful because we have so much shame that we came too fast, we weren't hard enough, and then, oh, it just happens again and again. One thing that might help you is take the pressure off your penis and penetrative sex all together. I encourage you to focus on other aspects of sexual intimacy. Pleasing your partner, for example. You know, you might find a world of pleasure that you wouldn't even have experienced before. Because what happens is, especially for penis owners, when they're not able to stay hard or they're not able to, you know, perform in the ways they want to, you just get in your head and you're constantly thinking of other things and you're not able to actually Say, all right, well, right now, my penis isn't behaving the way I want it to, but let me just turn my focus towards my partner. How can I turn my focus and my energy towards my partner and please them? Maybe you go down on your partner. Maybe you give them a sensual massage. Maybe you put all of your intensity and focus on them, and an amazing thing could happen to you. I hear this happen all the time. You just might be surprised at how quickly your penis gets hard again, because then you aren't as obsessed with your penis in the moment. You're actually obsessed with your partner's pleasure. Don't we all want to get there? I'm telling you, when I become more, like, into my partner's pleasure and I'm less obsessing about my own worries, my own concerns, and my own body and how am I doing and how am I performing? It feels really good to be a giver, to be giving to my partner. And then miraculously, all those stuff that's keeping us from our pleasure, potential melts away, and you'll find yourself feeling again more. You're feeling more ready for sex. You're feeling more ready for pleasure, to receive it and to give it. So this is what I recommend for you. I do not suggest you start popping Viagra right now. Not at 23 years old, but I love your awareness around what's actually happening. And you could actually listen to our podcast, penis problems Solved. All right, Oba. Thanks so much for your question. You got this. I appreciate your email. This is from Nicole, 30, in New York. Hi, Dr. Emily. I'm a huge fan of your show, and I'm reaching out for advice on how to gently help my husband to be a better lover. He's 34 and still does the jackhammer. I feel responsible for being a passive lover for the last four years as I was having my children and just wanted it done with and just check it off the list. Well, now I want to take back control of my sexuality, pleasure, and strengthen my connection with him. I just don't know where to start. Thanks so much. All right, Nicole, thank you so much for your question. I just want to say this. I understand that you feel responsible for being a passive lover, but can I just tell you, you've had kids the last four years. You've been busy, so it's okay. We're not always at our peak sexual performance. We're not always able to show up in the way we want to show up, especially when you have other responsibilities and things going on, like Having a lot of little ones in the house, so it's all good. But let's start from where you're at. My advice to you is have a conversation with them, you know, outside the bedroom, maybe on your date night, which I really hope you're having. Date nights. Side note, do you all know that couples who have date nights and stick to it once a week have deeper intimacy, healthier connection, and better sex? I'm just saying, lots of studies have shown that. So I hope you're having a date night. So maybe next time you're on date night, you say to them, you know, I've been thinking about our sex life, and I realize, you know, things are changing right now. I feel like my body's feeling better, the kids are taking up less time, and I would love to find a way to come together and collaborate on our sex life and think about and talk about. What could it be? What's possible? What really turns you on? What turns me on. And also explain to him what exactly it is that you. You might be wanting right now. And you could say, I don't know what I don't know. I know that I've been distracted the last few years, and I really want to take control of my sexuality and I want to have more intimacy with you. And maybe this is some more masturbation on your part and figuring out what feels good, or it's some mutual masturbation. It's you really sinking into your pleasure and being able to articulate and show your husband what you actually want and what you desire. Now, you might not know, and I get that, but that could be also part of the conversation is telling him that, you know, there's so much pleasure to be had in your body and his body, but by discovering your own body now, that really needs to happen, and you can't wait for him to learn along with you. As you've both been in this parenting mode and now it's time to expand. And I really think that every couple could stand from this conversation because I guarantee that the majority of couples are sort of in a holding pattern or you're doing the same things that you've always been doing. We don't often even think to change up our sex lifes or to have these conversations. So just let them know that it's a team effort here and that you'd like you both to learn together, to grow to understand your bodies. And the jackhammer thing, like, let's work on that. You could even say, I'd love to go slower with you and find ways to have penetration that feels really great for both of us. Not sure what it is yet, but let's do some exploring and see if he's open to having conversations with you about your sex life. I hope that he has a growth mindset around sex, you know, like you do. So I really think it's important to remember these are baby step conversations. I'm going to assume maybe you haven't had a lot of conversations about your sex life just because the majority of couples haven't and it sounds like you've been busy the last few years, but to say, like, let's start clean slate, let's figure out each other, let's keep talking, let's give each other incredible pleasure and be the most incredible lovers to each other that we could ever imagine. And also, like I said, helps. Listen to this podcast together. A lot of couples do that. It helps them break the ice. It helps them to get new fodder and new material to really move their sex life forward to where they want. So all of your needs are getting met. All right, Nicole, thanks so much for your email. This is from Emily, 17, in Iowa. Hey Dr. Emily, I recently started dating a guy and last night we did some passionate kissing that led to some touching. I told him we should probably stop and he agreed. I am a virgin, but feel that if we continue dating, I I'll want to have sex with him. But it also scares me because I know he's experienced. My friend told me I could get a sex toy that would help my vagina get ready for sex. Is this something you recommend? And if so, is there something you'd recommend? All right, Emily, I'd love to hear that you're in a new relationship and feeling good about this partner. And as you've heard throughout this episode, I want to expand the definition around sex to make it more than just penetration. So whether or not you decide to have penetrative intercourse with this partner, definitely connect sexually. I'm all about it. And just a reminder, most women do not orgasm from penetration alone, so please do not feel pressure to have penetrative sex until you feel ready for it. And if and when you do decide to have penetrative sex for the first time, here are some things to help you along the way. You can use a dildo, which is a essentially a vibrator that doesn't vibrate, it's made out of glass or silicone. You could use a rabbit toy, which is a dual stimulation toy, meaning it stimulates internally and externally, or just A G spot vibrator that allows you to explore how penetration feels on your own. Before having penetration with a partner, just get used to the feeling, what it feels like to have something inside of you. You may also want to explore first with a clitoral vibe or clitoral stimulation or just masturbation in general if you have not. And I do recommend a clitoral vibe as a starter vibe for all vulva owners. But again, if you want to simulate what intercourse might feel like, some insertion toys are great. Also want to recommend that you communicate with your partner your wishes and let them know, like how do you envision this sex encounter going down? So you definitely feel aligned in how you want the experience to be. You want to practice safe sex, condoms, birth control, tack your cycle, pull out whatever you're going to do. The other thing I want to recommend to you is, you know, you definitely want to have sex for the first time with someone you feel safe with, someone you can trust, someone you feel that's invested in your pleasure. Which is why I love that you are taking this slow and you're listening to this podcast which is giving you way more education around sex than most of us had. Definitely more than I had. I didn't know anything about sex when I started having sex. You can also listen to our podcast First Date, First Orgasm, First Threesome because we get into all of this so you're going to be prepared and ready to go. But Emily, I already feel that you got this. You're asking such thoughtful, mature questions and I can't wait to hear all about it. Thanks Emily.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, you can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Sex with Emily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sex with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talksex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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