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Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. If you've got a sex or relationship question, you're gonna call me, right? This show is all about your calls. I love it. So today's show, the topics include finding a playmate to help you enjoy your sexual peak trouble, climaxing with a partner, balancing a busy family life with an even hotter sex life, turning casual dates into something more, and tips to get you started on your solo sex adventures.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between from. For more information, head right over to sex with emily.com you can have a party on our website now. You know we update it every single day. If you haven't been there with blogs and videos and things to help you have better sex and relationships. And while you're there, please subscribe to our podcast. It really helps the show when you subscribe, it's easy. You just click the subscribe button there on the site. It's easy. Then you'll know we do two shows a week. We Release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays. You'll never miss show again. And then you can also rate it on itunes. We love that. I love five stars, but no press. Also, follow us on social media if you're ever wondering what really goes on here in the office. Pretty freaking interesting, I have to say. It's like no other job. Check us out on Instagram and Snapchat and Twitter and Facebook. It's all sexwithemily facebook.com sexwithemily and that's why I got a slice. So I hope you're all doing well. End of February. Hope you all made it through Valentine's Day. You know, Valentine's Day is also a big breakup day. So if a lot of you are thinking like, oh, I'm starting to date again, I'm gonna pick up apps. If you relapsed, I'll give credit to Ken for that statement. Ken, who works for me, I'm like, what's it called? All my friends, like, download the dating apps. They download Tinder and Bumble. And then all of a sudden, a month later they're like, I deleted all the apps. I can't do it. And then three months later they're like, okay, so I'm back on Bumble. It's a relapse a re apps. So if you even if you reaps and now you've downloaded the apps. I thought this story was interesting about how you can actually hire someone. I'm going to jump to sex to the news and give you some tips about your dating profile. But this is a story that came out that you can hire someone to curate your tind. So there's a British company called Fantastic Services, usually dedicated to dispatching cleaners and handyman, but now they want to swipe through customers Tinder profiles as well and weed out all the trash to find gems for you. And so for a price, they'll do like 500 to 5,000 swipes. Present its paying customers with a curated selection of ideal Tinder matches. And so they're like, it's funny that they're going to do your gardening. Pest control and handyman. Oh, and we'll swipe your Tinder.

So.

So that's not a bad thing. I want some of the times to swipe my Tinder too, because I get exhausted by these apps. I like them. I do the same thing. I don't necessarily delete them. I just don't like, turn them on. But I think if you're looking to find someone, I think the apps are great. And also don't forget that when you're out in the real world before the apps, that's how we all did it, right? So there's great opportunities in real life IRL to meet people. And just remember a lot of us now are on our cell phones. We're not paying attention and we're not looking up and we're not making eye contact. And a lot of us are just forgetting how to even talk to people and communicate. So that's important too, because I'm sure you're out there in the world doing your things. And also another great tip too. When you're single, it's good. Just let everyone know that you're single. Like, not a desperate way. You don't have to walk around with like a sandwich board. But if you're talking to your friends and they're like, how you doing? You're like, yeah, I'm dating. If you know anyone, fix me up. Because they might not know anyone at that moment, but the next day they might hear someone and they'll fix you up. So just let everyone know you're single. Like, when you're looking for a job, it works. So here's just some do's and don'ts. Also, if you don't want to hire this service that's also like cutting down your trees to swipe for you, here's some tips for building a really good app, a profile. Because I think a lot of us, we're not great at marketing ourselves. You know, we don't know what looks good happens here all the time in the office. I'm like, isn't this a cute picture? And they're like, nah, not so much. We don't know. So sometimes you have a good friend you can ask. But sometimes, you know, there's just a few tips that you can follow that will help you. So I think a great thing is to post the best pictures that represent the things that you love. You know, like just besides like, oh, this is a really hot selfie of me. But if you, like fishing or camping or going to the museum and you got a picture of you, you know, painting, doing something other than drinking with a red solo cup. I mean, I don't know, to me, that's a turn off if you're just drinking with your friends all the time. Nothing wrong with drinking with friends. Love doing that. But I don't know, it just. It's good to show that you're out doing things in the world. So pick the best pictures that represent things you love. It's okay to pass it by a friend and be like, hey, what do you think of these photos? That's not a bad thing. If you're a guy, ask your girlfriends. If you're a girl, ask your guy friends. Get that sample. Also, don't pick a shot of you and your like 5 closest best friends as your default picture. Because if it takes me like a few seconds to like locate who you are, you know, like, wait, which one is this guy or which one is this girl? There's a good chance that like I'm going to swipe right past you. And that's what happens. Like, I never understand when I'm swiping, any guy is like three dudes or whatever. I'm like, who are you? I don't have a lot of time. They make these apps quick. They're like the fast food of dating. If I can't figure out what I want on this menu, I'm going to keep swiping. So I don't need to see your friends, you know, I just want to see you. So that's a don't do. Provide a well rounded bio so you, you can pick your own style for writing, like your bio. Like, that's good. It should give like a good peek at like your personality, your interests and like the life that you lead. And it's really good to be specific. Like, everyone likes hiking, biking, long walks on the beach. But to tell like a story I think is much better so to kind of say like, you know, like last summer I got, you know, I was. Where was I? I was on a safari and got chased by a lion. God, I love animals. But you know, I almost had a near death experience. I don't know. I certainly think it's just funny to like tell a story that kind of gets people's interest. To kind of explain your interest through a story. Or like last year I hit one of my, you know, peaks of climbing by one of my major personal goals of climbing Mount Everest. Because it taught me, blah, blah, blah, not like in a cheesy way, but more than just like a list. I guess I'm just saying get away from lists and just kind of like tell a story about what you like rather than like just listing. Okay, don't lie about your identity. Like people can google you, they can find out, don't lie about your age, your name, your height, we know how tall you are, your relationship status, any like minute details of your life. Because it's like the worst way to start out a meaningful relationship is by lying. Like you're already a liar, right? And nothing says like, lack of confidence than lying and falsehoods. So I think that you just gotta be real, man, be real. Talk about who you are. Don't lie. We'll figure it out. Include your occupation, like, only if you're comfortable with it. Like, you could say, I'm a doctor, but if you, like, work at a very specific place, you don't have to list it. But I think it's important. Like, a lot of times you want to know, like, who you are, that you actually are employed, that you have a job, and if your career is something you're passionate about, it's cool to do that. I've also read some studies that say, like, it's, it's a lot of apps now want you to link to your social media. So if you feel comfortable, it gives you, it lends you credibility. So linking to your Instagram or linking to your Twitter can kind of show, kind of make people feel safer and kind of look more like, look a little bit more into who you are. So I think that that's, if you're comfortable with that, that's a great way to kind of round out your profile. Here's another thing. A study came out that said people don't like, people brag. Which is confusing now because I'm saying, like, you know, we all think, oh, I want to talk about my best thing. So if you like, you know, graduated, like top of your class, or you have like a bunch of really nice cars, or, you know, you won all these awards, like, that's great. Like, maybe that comes later on, like once you get to know someone. But I think that bragging is a huge turnoff. And that's another reason why they said it's great to link to, like, social media and other things that will kind of substantiate those claims or show those things about you rather than you having to tell them. And also, don't write an autobiography or leave your profile blank. Like, there's a sweet spot. Okay? There's a sweet spot. No one wants to read a ton of things, a ton of word, like five paragraphs. And actually a lot of the bios just give you 500 words, but if it's too short, you come off as lazy and cocky. Maybe like, oh, does she just think she's hot? Or he just think he's super good looking, that he doesn't have to write anything, but if it's too long, you're like, I can't even read this. I got to keep going so again, there's a sweet spot. Share what you're looking for in a relationship. You know, everyone, like, uses apps, like, in a different way. So it can be hard to tell, like, if you found someone that if you're on the same page. So if you're looking for casual partner, say that you're looking for a casual partner. It'll save you a lot of time. It'll save that person a lot of time. And if you're looking for something serious, put that down. I'm looking for a serious relationship. I'm not looking for a casual hookup. It says, I appreciate when people put that down on their bios because then I know, like, we're on the same page or we're not. Also, do not, even though I'm leading the sentence with negatives, do not lead with the negatives. Talk about what you do, like, in detail. You don't have to list all your dislikes off the bat. Like, don't you hate traffic in la? Don't you hate when chicks just ghost on you? I mean, you really like, like, what, Jerry Seinfeld? Don't you hate it when all this stuff happens? Right? You're not Jerry Seinfeld. And the same things goes at when you share, like, what you're looking for, partner. Like, it's okay to say, like, you know, like, you know, hope you love dogs, because I love dogs, too. Or I really like whiskey. But, like, don't list, like, what you're not into, like, someone who's lazy and only sits on the couch. Or like, I had a guy who said, like, I mean, I read a guy who's like, if you have a cat, swipe right, you know, Like, I don't know. To me, that was offensive. I guess if you've allergies to cats, but just, like, really? You just, like, cut out a whole bunch of, like, cat women. I don't know. It just seems sort of negative to me anyway. Even though I don't have a cat, I didn't like that. Now I get what you're saying. Like, you might think, oh, but I'm just being funny. Or I'm just being honest. Like, I don't like redheads. Like, like, swipe the other way. But this kind of makes you look like a rude, judgmental jerk. And I just don't like judgy people. Now, there are judgy people who are tactical to judgy people, but I just don't think that's the right way to live in the world. It's not Gonna get you far in like work life, I can tell you that. And I don't know, I just don't think that it's just a mature way of living in the world so you never know who you end up vibing with. Like, what if the cat lady is the woman of your dreams? Okay. So keep an open mind or at least a very open minded dating profile. Okay?

Do that for me.

Okay, you guys, we're on to calls now. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, I love that. So easy. To submit your questions, go to sexwithemily.com, click on the Ask Emily tab, fill out the form, hit submit. That is it. And there's an option to click call in, you know, so you can call into the podcast and just include your some information like your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Can't wait to hear from you. Okay, we have Kyle. He's 35, from Baltimore and he's gotten some orgasm issues. Kyle's having trouble climaxing when he's with a partner and wants to overcome this dilemma. Hey, Kyle, thanks for calling.

Hi, thanks for having me.

Of course, of course. Tell me what's going on.

Okay, so I'm 35 and I only started having sex about 10 months ago.

Okay.

Which I know is really late in life and I've been meeting a lot of people online and I've had different sexual partners and I haven't been able to climax with any of them.

Okay.

All right. So do you masturbate?

Yes.

And you're able to climax like pretty regularly, every time?

Pretty regularly? Like 80, 90%.

Okay. And how long does it typically take when you're masturbating?

I don't know, anywhere from five to 20 minutes or so, I guess.

Okay. And are you watching porn?

Are you thinking most of the time watching porn?

Okay.

But ironically, sometimes I'm thinking about my sexual encounters and climaxing from that.

That's not ironic at all. No, dude, that's old school. That's good. That's before there was porn to watch so readily. Yeah, yeah. So, okay, so when you're with these parents, the few things that could going on that's going on here. Do you, are you feeling like you're, you're nervous when you're with them? I mean, I know you're new at having sex, so like, is there just like anxiety? Are you in your head the whole time? Are you thinking like, oh my God, am I gonna come? Am I not gonna come? You know What? I mean, like, what's going through your head?

Yeah, kind of that, like, is it gonna happen? And actually, sometimes early on when I'm with somebody, I can tell early on, I kind of psych myself out and just go, it's not gonna happen this time.

See, that's the. See, that's what happens. So. So how about the first time you had sex, which was recently? Did you think that. Mm, you probably didn't think that. You probably thought that you would. Right. Because you hadn't had sex before or.

Sure, sure, I probably thought that. I think I thought that, you know, it was gonna happen very quickly, you know?

Right. Okay. And then it didn't. And then the next time you thought, okay, it's not gonna happen, is it gonna happen? And then you got yourself into this loop. So that could be part of it. That could be. Part of it is that you've got yourself into the situation where you're like, I don't know if I'm gonna come and I won't. And then you kind of. Like, it could be in your mind a lot of this. Right. And you kind of are in this cycle now. Are you getting, like, sufficiently. Are you turned on by these women you're with?

Yeah.

Okay. You said. Ah. Yeah.

I mean, not every.

It varies.

Like, there's degrees of arousal, but most of the time, I don't have any trouble, you know, staying aroused.

Okay, so you stay aroused and you find them. Are you. Is there foreplay going on?

Yeah.

Okay. What kind of foreplay? Talk to, like, what's. I don't. I don't know what's normal? I don't even know what that, you know, normal. What's. Tell me, for you, what's that? Like, what is normal?

Normal as in, you know, kissing and, you know, heavy petting and, you know, some hand play and oral and stuff like that.

Okay, so are they going down on you and you're getting aroused?

Yeah.

Okay. And then do you feel then that you might be able to ejaculate?

No, I don't.

Doesn't feel like you're getting close. Okay. So you start having sex. I mean, I'm just not sure here what's going on because I don't know. Like, I'm wondering if you've, like, delayed ejaculation, when. That's typically when a guy needs, like. Which is, like, a condition that some guys have. Like, it's like, premature ejaculation, but it's delayed ejaculation when a guy needs, like, 30 minutes at least. Of sexual stimulation to reach orgasm and ejaculate. And a lot of these like times this happens because a guy is feeling anxious or it could be depressed or it could be like reactions, different kind of medications. Are you on any medication? No.

None.

No medication. Do you drink?

None. I don't in fact. Well, I mean, I'll drink during the date, I'll have a drink, but in fact, I've never been drunk before.

Wow, okay, good. Have you had anxiety, any anxiety in your life?

No.

You're pretty chill, dude, right?

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay. I'm just wondering if that might be something that's. That's going on with you or maybe like, are these women that you've been with, do you actually like know them or is it more like one night encounters? Have you like built a more of a relationship with people that you feel safe and that you trust?

Okay, Most of them have been just one, one or two time sort of things. I've never really had like a long term stable relationship.

Right. Okay.

Well, maybe I've dated a few for like maybe a couple months, but that's pretty much it.

Okay, in this, in the last 10.

Months you've dated for a few months.

Or before that, right?

Well, in the last couple years I've dated a few here and there. Obviously didn't have sex.

Right. So what happened 10 months ago when you were like, okay, I'm ready to have sex now?

I don't know. I guess I was just kind of tired of being afraid of it. And then it turned out to be like, so not a big deal.

Right. Isn't that funny? Like the things that we fear so much, what was the big deal about that? But I'm curious, when you said that you were afraid of it, do you know where that came from? When that started, Was there something that happened in your childhood? Was there anything you can point to?

No, I guess I just always had anxiety when it came to the opposite sex because like I grew up like, you know, kind of overweight. I was always a chubby kid. And then.

When I finally kind of lost the baby fat, I still had that sort of fat kid mentality. And I was always, you know, nervous around women.

Right, right. And so now it's like actually happening after all these years and you just don't feel like you're the Kyle that you are today.

Do you still think of yourself as that other Kyle? Because it sounds like it's, you know, when you, when you delayed, you know, you haven't had sex, probably been thinking about Sex for a long time and now it's the first time that there's like all this stuff going on in your head that it, that has built up and it's become like this whole thing. So I'm wonder two things. Say like, first of all, maybe it would maybe delaying sex with these people. I know you've delayed sex for a long time, but maybe some of these women find someone you really like. Like just go out these women without having sex on your mind or at least having the intention of having sex right away and find one of these women that you actually like and go out them a few times. And then like a lot of times, like kind of we need the trust and the safety and security and know it's actually a good person. That's like a one night stand and you might feel like more relaxed, like you don't have to perform or you don't do it perfectly and you might feel like you're able to have an orgasm if it's just like a one off first time thing that might not work for you. And you know, it sounds like it's not working for you. So I'm just saying like switch up the scenario. We actually know these women is like women and humans and not just like, I'm not saying you're like objectifying them, but just kind of like in a safe, in a safer place with them where you're like, oh, I trust them and if I come, I come. If I don't come, I don't come. You know, but it doesn't like freak you out.

So that would be one tactic. And the other thing is like, if you feel like it's your anxiety and from the past and how you see yourself, therapy, not a bad thing. Not a bad thing. Talk to someone who's more experienced like finding like a sexologist or a sex coach like in your area, like in Baltimore. I might know someone we can recommend somebody who specifically deals with men and these kinds of issues, these kind of challenges in the bedroom. Because it's very specific, you know, like I feel like this is like a specific thing that's happening. You've waited while I have sex, having some issues around. Like you know that you were the chubby kid and now you're not and you're still kind of holding on to that. So I would try one of those two things. Have you ever had therapy before? Talk to anyone about this?

Yeah, I was considering it before I started having sex because I was like, I got to get over this hump. I gotta, you Know, I gotta.

I gotta get over the hump and hump. But now you're having that. I get it. And you're there. So you got everyone up. You're like, oh, not a big deal, but there's still some things lingering. And I don't know if you want to, like, also get checked out by your doctor, because if it is, like, delayed ejaculation, there's a lot of things, which is like a. Like, there could be some things going on. Have you gotten checked out by a doctor at all lately?

No.

Okay. Was there any, like, cultural or religious stuff going on when you were a kid?

No, nothing like that.

All right.

No guilt around sex.

No guilt around sex at all. Okay. I mean, I just think get checked out. I would go to doctor. You could talk to your doctor and tell them what's happening. Or also I could give you, like. We could give you some names of some people who have specifically work with men around this. But I think also 10 months isn't very long. Like, a few. I mean, how many women did this happen with?

Baker's dozen?

Thirteen.

Okay. Thirteen women in a row. You have been. Okay. And are you still masturbating regularly?

Yes.

Okay, here's my other thing. What if you don't masturbate for, like. What if you just take masturbation off the table right now and you don't masturbate before your next date for like, a week or something?

I think that would probably help.

Yeah, I think you should stop masturbating. I think that. Take masturbation off the table and go out with someone that you actually like. Make sure you like them before you get into the bedroom, and then. Then see what happens. Because it sounds like your masturbation routine is pretty healthy. Healthy. It is healthy. So I would try that. If that doesn't work, I would go talk to someone because, hey, therapy helps everybody. Somebody who can specialize in this. But I don't. And I also don't say, like, you have, like, a huge problem or anything. Like, I don't think that there's anything, like, majorly wrong. It's like a new experience for you. So I don't want to, like, pathologize it or, like, diagnose you here, but I'm just. I would try taking first. I think that's the best thing. Take masturbation off the table so you'll be ready to go see what happens. If that doesn't work, I would try to talk to, like, a sex coach, sex therapist. Go see your doctor and See what happens from there. Keep me posted.

Okay.

Okay. Okay. Good luck.

Well, thank you so much.

Yeah, you're welcome. Bye, Kyle.

Bye.

Bye. Okay, that's interesting, you guys. There is something called, like, delayed ejaculation that some guys can have. I can't tell yet with Kyle. Some men have it. It's because they can have a lot of anxiety. There could be like, there could be a lot of causes for it if that's what it is. But again, I'm not his doctor. I haven't seen his penis. I'm not in a room with his penis. I can't diagnose. But it can be like, you know, there could be some health conditions. That's why I think you should see his doctor. But also we get into our minds. You guys can see this. Like, we o block ourselves. We block ourselves from having orgasms and having pleasure during sex because we're thinking it's gonna happen. It happened last time. And so, you know, just learning to get out of your head and focus on your body and all that stuff is some other advice I could give him. But I think. I think not masturbating is the first way to go. So we'll see how that goes. And we have another call. Awesome. Okay, our next call is Iman. She's 36 from Los Angeles, and she feels like she's at her sexual peak. She's lucky, but wants a solid playmate to enjoy it with. Looking for advice on how to find them. Hi, Iman.

Hi.

Hi. Tell me what's going on here in Los Angeles with you.

So the short version is Iman just got her groove back, and I'm looking for partners to play with and experiment with, but safe folks, and I just don't know how to go about doing that.

Okay, so what have you tried so far?

I've been on a couple of dating apps, so I've been on Bumble and I've met a couple of folks off of there. And I'm now on FetLife and I haven't met anybody off of FetLife yet.

Okay, so you're looking for more of a kinkier lifestyle. Fet's life's kind of more of a kink thing, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. And you haven't met. You said you just got your groove back. Let's go back for a minute. Where was it? Something happened. Okay.

My groove was non existent.

I'm sorry, what was nonexistent?

My groove.

Your groove. Got it. You had no groove. Okay.

Yes, non existent. And I've just been really dormant and really numb about living my life for a really long time and going through severe depression, being bullied at work. Just a lot of stuff going on. And so I managed to get through that somehow. I've lost about £50 and still going and just feel like I have more vigor and I actually want to live and enjoy life.

Great.

And so now I'm ready to explore.

Okay, got it. Okay, so you haven't dated for a while. So how long was your break from dating or from having sex?

It was really long, so I just met someone and had sex with. And before then I hadn't had sex in 10 years.

Okay, so you really getting your groove back? Don't be so hard on yourself now. I love that you got your groove back, you lost weight, you're taking care of yourself, you're being healthy. And I would just, first of all, take the pressure off yourself and just like, it's not supposed to be, like, amazing when you come out of the gate. First of all, like, you got really get in the groove back. Like, you feel like it, but there's a process of getting, like, you're in the grooving back part. So I would just be like, you know, be out meeting people too, and like, doing things that you love doing. If the apps aren't necessarily working for you, are you out there, like, going to do things you like to do?

So here's the thing. I consider myself more of an introvert. So I am like the coffee shop bunny, if you will. I really enjoy that scene. I am a little apprehensive about going, you know, places alone, though. I hear that that's the best way to meet someone. That's not something I'm necessarily comfortable doing.

Right.

So I know for myself, I need to get out more.

Yeah. And I know it can be like. I know what you're saying. It can be intimidating. Like, I'm not even tell you go to bars and stuff, but more like.

You know, are there, like, classes you've been wanting to take or, like, with a friend even, you know, and there's lots of like. Yeah, yeah. Like, I know it sounds silly, but really, like, I always take classes. Like, it's fun to just kind of. There could be like a cooking class. There could be like a. Sometimes they have singles classes. I know there's lots of groups in LA that are like, singles go, you know, cook, or they ski, or there's wine tasting, or they, you know, go hiking. And that might seem like, oh, my God, I'm introvert. But if there's a bunch of singles, there might just make some new friends, men and women. So it's like a group setting. And. Yeah. Or if there's even a single girlfriend, like bring her with you or single guy friend, like that might just make you feel safer. But if it's something that you already like doing, then you'll already feel like you're in your element. Because I'm more like the real life thing too. Telling you I'm on the apps and I just get exhausted. I'm like, really? Did I swipe you? Did you swipe me? And then you go away on bumble and like they go, you know, like they evaporate in an hour, like 24 hours. It's like annoying. I think it's like a full time job. So I know that you're introvert, but to me, like, you sound like you've got a great personality and that actually maybe you're not as introverted as you might have once been. I'm gonna challenge you on that and I'm gonna say that you probably make friends easily and people really like meeting you. And I know I have days where I'm like, I have not done nothing but drive work, drive to work and drive home. So why would I meet anybody? You know? And then I go out with a friend, even if it's a girlfriend for dinner or we go somewhere and you look around, you're like, there's a lot of people out and you just start talking. You know, it feels, I think that that's just. If you could say once a week, I'm just gonna do this or I'm gonna go to a different coffee shop and hang out and I don't know what kind of work you do, but. Do you like, work in the coffee shop a lot?

No, not usually. What I tend to do is just go in the morning before work and read or a journal and have my coffee. It's how I kick off my day, right?

Maybe go to a different coffee shop. I used to meet guys in the coffee shop all the time. I had one in my neighborhood in San Francisco. And I swear to God, I met like three boyfriends in a row. Like, I get it the morning you see the same people, but maybe like, like, if, you know, you love that morning routine, like, try a different one. Like a whole new set of faces, right? And like, look up from your book.

I met someone at the coffee shop before though, but they ghosted me. And I hate ghosting.

I hate ghosting too. But we can't do anything about it. You never know who's gonna ghost. It. Doesn't like, it doesn't mean it should stop you from trying. So if the apps aren't working, I would say try like, you know, I'm sure your friend, like, say, like, what could we try? Like, look up like the single groups in la. I can't remember what it is now, but a lot of these apps have them too. Like, like Bumble as one or maybe Tinder, like Tinder Groups or Tinder Play or Bumble Play. And. And like, even if it sounds like cheesy or not, your jam, like, just. Just freaking do it once and see how it goes. Try to do things that you love, that you feel good at. Yeah. And you'll meet that person. But. But again, this is new to you. It's been 10 years, so don't be hard on yourself. You're starting this again. And I love that you're feeling good. So I want you to continue to feel good. And this will feed it by. By being places that you're confident and feeling good, you'll also attract those people, people that will be attracted to you because you're in. You're in your zone.

Yeah.

Okay. Try that. Keep me posted.

I will give it a shot.

Okay. Good man. Thank you so much for calling. I think you got this. You sound great. I totally got this. I think sometimes we just get into our life, we're like, why aren't I meeting When. Why aren't I meeting one? And I always say to you, well, like, what have you done differently? Like, if you are taking the same route home from work every day, going to the gym, doing the same exact things, you probably not going to be meet someone. Right. You're not going to meet a new person. So try to mix it up. I should have mentioned also there is this app, Happen H A P P N I think, where it kind of geotags you if you are cross someone's path a few times. So if you are in that path, you're like, I'm not changing my route. You might find someone who's also on the app. And they're like, you guys, we're at Starbucks three days in a row and it'll match you. Okay, so now we're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors. I so appreciate everybody for supporting our sponsors. You know, I only like, like talk about products and services and toys and things that I've personally used in my body, on my body, in my mouth, meaning like foods and stuff like that. Of course. But thank you for supporting them. And we'll be right back.

Okay, we have got Rachel.

She's 24, from Michigan, my home state, and she's ready to go solo. She's finally ready to try her hand at masturbation.

Get it. And is looking for guidance on how to get started. Hi, Rachel.

Hi.

Hi. How's Michigan? Are you freezing your ass off right now?

Yes, I am. I'm bundled up in blankets right now.

Oh, my God. I totally got it. I know exactly where you are. Thanks for calling in. So tell me about this. You have not masturbated before.

No. Well, you know, I have a little bit of an update, but originally I had never masturbated before. I was really nervous to start.

Okay.

Yeah.

I always knew awareness like that it's quite normal to masturbate. Like, people do it all the time. But.

I was almost too nervous. That was just a whole different area I had never explored before. I'm pretty sex positive in my relationship, so I'm not afraid to try new things. But for some reason, doing things solo.

Yeah, it's a big hurdle. Yeah. I hear this from women a lot. But you said there's an update, so have you tried?

Yeah, so there's an update.

Okay.

So, you know, I. I would honestly, like, sit there and, like, look at my hands and be like, okay, put your hand right there. You can do it. You know, and I could never do it, but I. I chatted with some of my girlfriends and.

They were like, you should really try a vibrator.

Yeah.

So my boyfriend and I use sex toys all the time, so I thought, okay, fine. So I went and got a vibrator.

Nice.

And I. I honestly had to go in front of the heater because it's so cold in Michigan, so.

I get it.

Yeah.

I laid in front of the heater and I tried it out. So I've done it twice and it's been awesome.

Okay, good. So it worked out. You had an orgasm. Okay, great. I love this. This is great. Do you have orgasms with your partner during sex? During intercourse?

Yeah. So, you know, I have, like, multiple times. Many times with my partner. But I had never orgasmed by myself.

Right. It was.

Yeah.

It was so new to feel my body react to it. Like, I could actually feel the changes. Whereas usually with my partner, there's other distractions going on. Whereas when I use the vibrator, I could actually feel my body move and shit.

So that was kind of cool. No, that is really cool. See, that's what Masturbation is about why I always say, like, like it's so important, like the most important work, you know, especially women. We're just not as comfortable, a lot of us touching our bodies or we do it the same way over and over again. But the more that you learn your body and it sounds like you're very embodied, like you actually noticed that you weren't like, I had an orgasm, what's for dinner? But you're like, wow, my body shook in a different way. Or I, you know, you're really getting in touch. And that will also serve you well in your relationship as you, you know, when you're having sex with your partner, you might learn different ways that you can orgasm. That's cool. So do you think it. You've gotten some of the, the nerves away from it? Now you get it now you looking forward to masturbation?

Yeah, now I, now I'm not so nervous to try, but I'm definitely. I feel like I'm just starting to have sex. Like, I don't really know what I'm doing, to tell you the truth. Like, I have this vibrator, but I'm like, well, I don't even know where to put it. Oh, I've been just trying to like, do different moves, but I'm realizing, okay, I actually like harder things rather than.

Just like, no, this is how you learn. This is good. Okay.

Yeah. So this is all new to me.

Okay, so what kind of vibrator did you get? You said you want harder? This is too soft. Do you remember?

You know, so I'm in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend brought this. It's called the Kiro. I think it's the Kiro.

Oh, the Kiru. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah. Wow, that's intense.

I have the pearl of it. Yeah, you know, it was really intense because he really wanted to try this. And I had to be honest with him. I was like, like, I actually have never masturbated before.

That's a. Whoa. That's like, that's advanced. Like, so that's like teledodontics. Like, that's like he's using the Fleshlight and you're using the thing and you can see each other, right? Yeah. Okay. That's whole new level.

I took time by myself first to try it out, but that's kind of how I got up. I'm updating you so quickly on this too. I asked you this question and then a couple weeks later he thought of getting this toy. So I was like, oh, my gosh. I guess I'm trying now. So, yeah, I have this thing, this vibrator called Pearl.

Okay.

And.

Okay, so the pearl is like a. It's like an insertable, right? It looks like a penis. Is that it? It's like a. Yeah, it does. Okay.

It does. Yeah. But honestly.

Yeah.

Maybe you have tips on how to use a vibrator.

Yeah. Oh, my God, do I have tips? I absolutely do. So I would say. I would go. I would try to find a vibrator. Maybe it's like a clitoral vibrator as well. Have you ever had, like, a little. Like a little bullet or a handheld vibe? Like the We Vibe Tango or the We Vibe Touch? Those are great toys because I think for, like, starting masturbation. First of all, atmosphere is everything. Right? Like, I think it sounds like you're in front of the heater. I get it. My mom always jokes. I spent my entire childhood in front of the space theater. Like, in Michigan.

She'd, like, come.

My room is really cold.

No, she's like, you were always cuddled up in a blanket inside your space theater. Yeah, that's all I did. No, I did the same thing. I get it. So. But do you have your own bedroom?

Yes, I do.

Okay, that's cool. So, like, I think, like, turning off your phone, setting the atmosphere, like, lighting candles, like, the scents, like, can feel really good. Your favorite music. Thinking about, like, you know, locking your door. Like, do you feel safe in your home? Like, I don't know if you live with your parents still. You live alone or.

Yes. Well, I just moved back in with my mom just for a few months. So, you know, I had to do this when she was at work.

Okay, that's fine. That. Dude, as long as, you know, she's gone, that's great. So I would say they get. Getting into the mood is a big. Just, like, sex. It's like you almost need foreplay with yourself. Right? Like, you're not gonna be ready to go. Like, okay, let's masturbate. You know? So do you ever, like, watch porn?

This is also something that I'm also aware of and I'm intellectually want to get into, but I'm so nervous, I don't even know where to start. You know, I would like to do it with my boyfriend, but try it on your own. I'm intimidated by it.

Okay. So, you know, it's a great place. My friend has a site called Lady Cheeky, and it's. And there's a lot of good Tumblr. It's Tumblr porn. So you go there and there's like a lot of gifts and stuff. It's kind of. It's more female friendly. It's called Ladychiki.com and you'll see a lot of these just like really cool. Like she curates it around things that women find like kind of really hot and sexual, kind of like teasing and, you know, arousals. Women like touching themselves. It's just really beautiful images and sexy, hot images. And then you click on them and then you could like, lead you to other kinds of images and things that you might find kind of like Amazon. Like, you like this, you might also like this. And it'll lead you down a road. But it's not like you're automatically watching a hardcore porn film, you know, that you might consider intimidating. So you're just kind of like scrolling through some, like, pictures that are hot and that might even get you going. So I reading erotica, you know, if. Do you like to read?

I love to read.

Oh, my God. So you should find some. Like Rachel Kramer Brussels does something every year, like the best erotica. You know, if you've like a Kindle, you could download it, stuff like that and just like find some. Like, if you like to read, then like, reading those. Have you ever read erotica?

No, I have it and I do love to read. Like, I have a Kindle.

Oh my God. Dude, just buy, buy some. Like, go to Amazon and buy like porn and see what interests you. Like erotica, I mean, not porn. And I would, like, download a book and just start reading it. Just like you read before you go to bed. And you might find your mind, like, oh, now I'm interested. So it's really. Because when your brain gets on board with sex and your mind's on board, like, that's a big part of arousal. Because if you're just staring there freezing cold in front of the heater with your hands, I wouldn't want to masturbate either. Because it's like you're like now masturbate with the men. They just think a sexy thought or something happens or a woman walks by and they're hard, right? Women don't. We're not wired that way. It's very different. So that's. I'm telling you to put these things in place that would get you in the mood for sex or get you in the mood to masturbate. So don't be so hard on yourself that you. You just, you're nervous or whatever. It's like once you start thinking these Thoughts or find what stimulates you and turns you on. Then you're just gonna naturally wanna start touching yourself. It's just gonna happen that way. Especially because you want to. But I would also go get a vibrator that's not like a P. Like a dildo. Like that one's like a shape, like a penis. I would get just like a nice handheld one like or even like a bullet that you could just put like use on your nipples. Like tease yourself, use lube. Lube is amazing. I cannot, I cannot stress enough the importance of lube during masturbation because it'll help you get more turned on. Like you take a few drops, you rub it on your clitoris. They get some water based lube like Joe I love System Joe lube. We sell it on our website, have it sent to your house in a brown bag. No one know. And you just like use a few drops, use the vibrator. Like I'm telling you. There's times I'm not in the mood and I just can't masturbate without lube. Like it doesn't even matter. Like it just gets you going. So there's some tips I think that, think that you just, you know, those will help you for sure. Setting the atmosphere using. Yeah. Thinking sexy thoughts. Erotica. You got this. And you already.

Because I think I do just need a little jump start to get in the mindset. Because before I was like I don't even know what, where to start. It's too big of a project.

I get it. No, I get it. I get it. Small steps, baby steps. I would go on Kindle right now, just download a book that seems interesting to you. You maybe start reading tonight without. Without the pressure of masturbation. Just see where it takes you.

Yeah. Okay, cool. Thank you.

You're so welcome. Rachel. Stay warm and hot.

Okay, thank you so much.

Yes. Bye. Bye. Thanks. Oh my God. I was just taking back to like my childhood bedroom. Although I never even knew what masturbation was until I was 20. But I was just freaking cold in front of the space theater. And I get it, you just don't want to leave that room. But I think it's interesting. Another thing I should have mentioned is that we do have some great masturbation tips on our website. Sex with Emily. Like first time masturbation and little tips and tricks. We talk about it a lot for women. It's interesting because I think that we think we should just know how to do it, you know. And it just be natural. But for a Lot of women, including myself. It was not, and it is not. It's a great question. Thanks, Rachel. Our next call is Franco. He's 23 from Chicago, and he wants to have a more active sex life. He's having trouble balancing being a husband and father with being a spontaneous lover and wants to know how to change things up. Hi, Franco.

Hello. Actually, I'm 31.

Oh, you're 31. Oh, okay. Franco, 31, from New Jersey. Gotcha. Okay, we had that all wrong. Did we have the other part right? Hey, Franco.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, got it. Okay, so Franco, 31, New Jersey. And you want to have a more active sex life?

Yes.

Okay, cool. Hi. Tell me what's going on.

So I'm. I mean, me and my wife been busy working. She's a missions rep and I'm a Mechanic. I work two jobs. So we working like 12, 16 hour days and we got a kid.

We just bought a house.

So it was like kind of like passing each other. Things kind of came to a lull and.

I didn't know where to begin. I take a lot of your advice and be for sex, you know, text messages, emails, and this, that and the.

Other, and just nothing was not working. I get it, man. Yeah.

But she actually seen that I emailed you. Things have actually turned around for the better, so.

Oh, really? See, this is so good. So many couples actually listen to sex with Emily together, and they feel like it changed their whole sex life because they're like, Emily said it, like, you guys don't even have to talk about it. So that's cool. So she liked that you were working on this. I like that. Okay, so tell me, how old are your kids? You say you have kids? Yeah. Your father?

Yeah, I have a four year old.

Okay. A four year old, one child.

Yeah.

Okay. And so, yeah, that can be tough. So what happens when you start to have sex is like, are you just not having sex?

I mean, we were doing it once a week, like on a Saturday. Kid was taking a nap and we were waiting for the laundry to get done. It was. It was the same type sex that we would have every week. And it was. I just doing it for over five months.

Bored. I get it. I get it. Yeah. This is what happened to couples. This is why it's so good. This is a perfect time to be calling in before you get way bored. So have you tried, like I always say, like, you know, it's great for couples to get like outside the house and outside the, you know, their normal routine. So have you Guys had any talks about your sex life? Have you ever said, like, what? What? Like, do you know what she would find hot? Or what you'd like to do? That's different. You said you've tried some things.

We talk about sex all the time and we're pretty open about things. I mean, we've given each other hall passes before and we've done things with other people in front of each other, but you know, with our schedules, that. That kind of lifestyle doesn't exist.

Right. So it's just us. Okay. Have you.

I'm wondering if I'm not. Am I doing enough messages and not talking and talking about it with her? Maybe there's something else I could do.

Well, I think that, like, the fact that you're talking about it is great. Does she tell it?

What?

What kind of information are you getting back from her? What does she want?

Well, she wants me to make love to her. I feel like I do that, but.

Right. She says you're not really present.

Really? I mean.

I don't know.

Okay.

I don't know. Maybe I'm not listening.

Well, maybe you're not listening. I don't know. It's hard sometimes. No, but here's the thing. She's saying, like, I want you to make love to me. You're like, dude, I'm here making love to you. Like, what do you mean? But maybe, like, she's. She means that she needs more intimacy from you or she needs to feel loved by you in a way that she can't even explain. Like, if she let you know, for example, she wants to feel sexy or she wants to know that you think she's beautiful.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I get that. And have you told her that?

Yeah, I mean, I tell her every day she's beautiful and always complimenting her body and Puerto Rican. So there's always groping and touching.

Okay. Is there other things? What about, like, helping around the house and stuff? Is she ever like, God, I wish you helped more?

I wish I could, but I work too many hours right now and I don't get home until 10 o'.

Clock.

Does she feel burdened, do you think? Yeah, I feel like it's kind of like the love language there. Do you ever. Do you know what the love language is?

No, I don't.

Okay. It's really interesting. There's a book by Chapman, what's his name? Gary Chapman, who wrote a book, it's called the Five Love Languages. Right. And there's a lot. We all experience love in different ways. Right. So A lot of us, like, so I asked if she wants to feel sexy and beautiful. So sometimes it's words of affirmation, and typically there's one or two that resonate. Okay, so hear me out. Words of affirmation she might need. Like, there's words of information, there's. There's physical touch. She might want to be touched all the time. Maybe you're not touching enough, but it sounds like you are. For some people, it's quality time. So she wants, like Saturday night to be date night with no phones, no Netflix, no distractions, just the two of you. She might want acts of service. She might want you to be emptying the dishwasher, filling up her car with gas. And then there's also gifts. Okay, that's another one.

Gifts.

She might want to be surprised with flowers or, you know, jewelry or you were just thinking about her, brought home her favorite cookie. So it all like, typically, those are five ways that, that we all experience love. So for you, did any of those resonate with you? Like, God, I really feel loved when she blends. Any of those, like, speak to you? I know we might need them all, but is there one that spoke about how you want love and then one for her, how she might want love?

Yeah, definitely. The servicing and quality, like just helping her out with more things, especially with my kid, and then just the quality time?

Yeah. So you think that's what she. That's what she wants?

Yeah.

And you're.

You're not able to give that right now?

Yeah, like I said, you're super busy.

Totally get it. So no matter what you do right now, she's not feeling connected because she's pissed that you're not able to help with, like giving her time and, you know, helping around the house. So this is where the compromising comes in. So is there a way that you could maybe. I'm not sure what's keeping you from the quality time part, but could you have a date night? Could you have a friend come and watch? You know? How much time do you guys spend away from your kid?

Well, I've worked it out with my mother in law. Like, we try to get Saturdays in, like a Saturday night, just go out.

For a couple hours or go out.

For a night or go out to the next morning.

Yeah. That's amazing. Do you do that every week? Date night? Like every Saturday?

We just started last weekend.

That's amazing.

Yeah, we went to Atlantic City.

Okay, that's great. So how was that? Did you guys have good sex when you were in Atlantic City.

City, yeah. Yeah. When I got back home and I let her mom out the house and everything. Yeah.

That's great.

Great. So that sounds like that really works. And then, like, the serving thing, if you can't do it, like, could you get some help maybe? Is there anyone you could, like, come over, like, hire help to sometimes to do some things around the house? I know money is, like, you know, is a thing, but could there be ways that, you know, you could get some other.

Well, when I'm home on Saturday, I do as much as I can. Like, I do my. My. I do laundry. I do my. Her laundry. My laundry.

Right.

Our kids laundry. I. I clean the kitchen because I'm crazy about the kitchen bathrooms. I try to help as much as I.

Right. I'm just throwing this out there as a thing. And do you know what? And you sound like you're pretty happy with her. Like, when. When I talked to you about those love languages, what spoke to you? What do you feel like? How do you feel like you experience love gifts? Do you want physical touch? Do you want, like, words of affirmation?

Yeah, more physical touch. And she gives me enough affirmations.

Okay.

She always speaks to me.

So you might just want her to come up and start, like, kissing you when you go from work or, like, hugging you or cuddling on the couch. And do you feel like you get that?

She could do more.

Maybe you could let her know. I think you guys should listen to this together. It sounds like you guys have a lot of chemistry and you're really connected. I mean, you've been listening to the show. You know that I'm gonna tell you, like, try toys, dress ups, exchange bucket lists about your fantasies. And there's all these things that actually do really work for couples.

But.

But maybe these are some things when you have a kid and you're both working and you said she's working as well.

So maybe these are little things you guys could do throughout the day. Like, she could give you more physical attention and you could make sure that Saturday night, date night happens and see where that takes you.

All right. Yeah. That sounds perfect. Thank you.

You're so welcome. Good luck with this. You got this. Bye, Franco.

Thank you so much.

Bye.

Bye.

I'm obsessed with love language. I don't think I talk about them enough on the show. I think we gotta put this on our website. I think we should just. It's a work in progress. But even if we just do a link to it, because the love languages to me, out of every I mean, I've read so many sex relationship books. It's just a really cool one. I'm not saying it's gonna solve every relationship in the world, but it is true that we all experience love in very specific ways, and we tend to give love in the ways we want to receive it, and it doesn't always work. Like, I've said this, you know, I like. I know for me, it's words of affirmation and physical touch, but if I'm constantly, like, telling some guy, like, oh, my God, you look great, babe. You're so hot, he's not gonna think that that's. That's love. And I'm thinking, why don't you tell me I'm hot and how great I am? You know? So I'm just saying it could be a disconnect. And typically, your partner doesn't necessarily share your love language, which is cool, but if you learn it, it's just all about compromising. So I like that call with Franco. They seem like they've got lots of love going on. They just need some space to experience love. Our next call, we have Sean. He's 29 from Toledo, and he's looking for more than casual sex. Sean's been actively dating, but can't find a girl who wants to settle down with him and is wondering what he's doing wrong. Hey, Sean.

Hi, Emily.

How are you?

I'm so good. I want to help you here, man. Tell me what's going on.

Also, first, I want to say thank you for answering my Analingus question on Friday.

You are so welcome. It is the year of anal. I swear to God, I'm so happy to answer it.

My big thing.

Your big thing? Analingus will be okay. Check, check. Analingus. Now let's help you figure out the casual sex thing. So tell me. Tell me what's going on. You're finding. You're looking for girls in Toledo?

Yes.

Okay.

And I. I've asked quite a few girls out, I would say. It just seems like the girls I attract either want something other than a relationship, whether it's money or materialistic things from me, or are not monogamous. And I'm having trouble finding a woman who actually, you know, once we go out on a date, just enjoys my company and not having ulterior motives.

Huh. That's interesting. Okay, so I'm wondering, how are you meeting these women?

Some of them I've met online, and some I've met that I knew in person already.

Okay.

The ones I knew in person, I was comfortable and gave it a shot. And then it just, you know, was one of those two problems. And that's what I keep coming across.

Okay, are you like throwing money at them kind of to start off with?

No.

Okay. So I'm just curious because a lot of times it's funny that you see, it's interesting to me that that's how you see it because everyone's got their thing with women. They're like, some women, you know, don't want things that you're. Some women. Some women will call me, for example, and say every guy just wants sex or every, you know what I'm saying? Or some women say like, every guy just wants to settle down. I don't. So I'm just wondering what you. Going into the relationships or going into the dates, if there's anything that you're doing or that you're bringing to the table that might, you know, be bringing this out in them or also if that's how you think about women already and you're looking for that and maybe you're interpreting things that they do as thinking, oh, she's just out for money. And maybe that's actually not true. Not at all.

I mean, I, I take, when I go out on a date, I always pay. And that's not an issue. That's, you know, the gentleman nature, I guess you would say the old fashionedness. But at the same time, then at some point I'll get questions like, hey, can you help me out with some money? Or.

Then, you know, when we're seeing each other for a little while, I'll find out, yeah, you know, I slept with somebody else. And you know, it's just I, I can't find somebody who's really the paying for things like, you know, buying them flowers or buying them dinner or going out. That's not an issue for me. It's somebody for the rent, expecting that they can asking from rent or something like that. And to me, I don't think that that's about the relationship, you know.

No, I, Absolutely. So I think it might be about the women that you're finding yourself attracted to perhaps. Is there something about you wanting to save women.

Being attracted to a woman that looks like she might kind of need that kind of help? You know, there is a certain type of way, like I've never asked a guy for money in my life and I've needed money really bad and I've never done that. And some women, there's the women I think you do. And some women who don't. You know what I'm saying? And so I'm just. And. And I'm not. Again, I'm not stereotyping women around the world like that are like, every woman who's this way is going to want money. But I'm wondering if these are the kind of women that you're attracted to. And maybe there's a different kind of type that you've been saying, oh, that's not my type. And you could look at and say, you know what? Maybe I should try that type of woman. A woman who's, you know, has a job and she's got stuff. She's got her stuff together, you know, 29 years old. Like, I don't think it should be hard to find women who have, like, careers going that are in a healthy place.

Oh, absolutely. I definitely like somebody who has something going for themselves. Maybe he's been to college, has a degree.

You know, sometimes I'm attracted to a little bit more of a wild personality.

Well, that's.

That that attracts me sometimes. I mean, that's sometimes something that I can't kick. But at the same time, I do like, you know, a girl who shares my common interests, who has a sense of humor, funny, you know, things like that.

Yeah, I get it, though. The wild chicks might be like, oh, she's so crazy. She's so whatever. And, you know, she, you know, wants me to pay for her. Her college education. So I feel like this might be a good time for, like, duty dating. Do you know what that is? That's when you kind of go out with the woman with the woman that you're like, God, I don't really know. Like, I'm not really attracted to her in that way, but maybe I should just try going out with her, like, once and seeing how it goes. Like, seeing if I might like her. Even though she's not this wild girl, but I'm attracted to her, There might be something else that I find. And you just kind of like, go out with someone that you think you might not be into, and you might be surprised, and then you go out with her a second time, even if you're not so sure, and you give it, like two tries and you're like, I'm going to try something different. Because if you keep dating the same kind of women and this is the results you're getting, there's a lot of women in Toledo, you know, there's a lot out there, and you're having these same exact situations happening. So I'm just thinking it's like your pickers broken, like the women you're picking. And this might be a way to shift.

I think it could be. I mean, I know sometimes I have a hard time breaking the cycle or changing things. I do.

I mean, I try to change it up, but sometimes, you know, I see that I'm just like, wow, this girl seems like she's a lot of fun, you know?

Right. You're chasing the fun girls who are, like, kind of crazy and out there, maybe they're partying a lot. A lot. And they're great in bed and they're into your analingus and all that stuff. No, but, but, but, but you're like, but, but then, you know, my wallet's gone in the morning, so I think that it just might be. You know, you sound like a really smart guy, and you really want to find someone to settle down. So, like, you know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again. You know, you're not. It's not working for you. So I would say, like, just kind of go out the woman that you like. Ah. And I'm not saying, like, forever, but just try. Like, you need to go out there 10 times, but just see how that works for you. You might be surprised because you're in this groove and it takes a while. I'm not so great at changing behaviors either. None of us are. So when you say it's hard to change, it's hard for all of us to change. So just know that you can still go out with the crazy chicks. I'm not saying you got to give them up, but maybe you want to pepper in some chicks that just seem kind of more stable and interesting and smart and see where that goes. Just kind of like, as a conscious effort.

Yeah.

See if they surprise you. And some women might have that crazy side, but they don't lead with. With it. Whatever you deem crazy.

Right.

You know what I'm saying? They're not showing that, but believe me, it's in there. So if you gave them a chance, you went out. You went out to dinner, had some drinks, said you go, wow, she's into this. You know, it's cool. I wouldn't have thought that. I'm surprised by her, and that might give you difference.

I think with me, with the dating and the hookups is hookups, you know, you go right to sex. But dating, I don't. I don't rush it. So, I mean, there's. There's a difference. I mean, there are. There's just I don't know how to explain sometimes the wildness of the personality because I don't drink anymore. I quit drinking and partying.

So.

But you know, sometimes about their personality, you can just see something about that, right?

No, I totally get it. And that's what's attractive to you. So that's why maybe going get something that's a little less, you know, and maybe trying not to rush sex right away. Like waiting till you know someone and like waiting like going out a few dates and like just seeing like, you know, getting to know her and finding out more and feeling like because for a lot of women, they're not going to want to have sex with you right away because they want to feel, feel safe and they want to feel trust. Like they can trust you. And then they're going to like let their freak flag fly or then they're going to like show you who they are. So you might be thinking like, oh, she was a little uptight on the first date. But sometimes it takes us a while to open up. So I would just say kind of like when you're online, you're swiping maybe like swipe a different way for someone that you normally would just ignore and try going out with them. Because you see, like I said with.

The dating, I, I don't, I don't want to sleep with somebody on the first date.

Okay, good.

That's the rule I have. I usually try and wait sometimes more than multiple dates.

Okay, so that's working for you. But the people that you're dating, you have coming up with these two things, like non monogamous, they want you for your money. And I think that could kind of be one in the same kind of person. You could find a woman who's looking for the, the same thing. And are you saying that your dating profile, that you're looking for a woman who wants to have something serious? Are you leading with like, you are. You do say that.

I mean, not in the first date necessarily, but I, you know, get to know them on the first date and then that conversation will come up and I'll obviously speak the truth on how I feel and what I want.

Right, but what about in your app? Like, are you finding most women through the apps?

I found some on the apps and I mean, this may not be the greatest place to say I found them. I found some people on like Craigslist.

Yeah, that's where you might find the people like looking for money. I don't know, I'm not saying all Craigslist like is like that. But it sounds like you're split. Part of you wants a crazy, fun chick, and then part of you, like, wants a serious relationship. And so I just think you got to take steps towards that. And if you're on the apps, I would say if you're on Tinder, Bumble, whatever you should say, I'm looking for a relationship. I'm looking to settle down. Like, I look. I read the guys things. If they're. I be looking for the guys who want to, and I see the guys who are like, I'm just looking for a hookup. I don't swipe on those guys or I swipe. What is it? I swipe left. But if I see a guy who's, like, looking for a relationship, you know, I'll swipe right. Like, I think that I. That is. It doesn't make you sound weak. It doesn't make you sound. You're just, like, stating what you want, and then the girls who are just looking for a good time, you wouldn't match with.

Right?

Yeah. So I think it's just the process that has to change. You're dating your selection, your picker. Process. Process. Not your pecker.

Your pecker. Yes.

I definitely agree with you on that.

Okay, so try that and see how it goes. Just try it. You're like, I'm not that into it, but I'm gonna go out with her, and you might be surprised.

Okay.

Okay. Because I don't think that everyone was like that.

One other question.

Of course. Go right ahead.

It's another sexual question, but it. It's a medication question.

Sure.

So I've. I'm on multiple medications, and I do take antidepressants, and I believe they make it for me. Unable to climax sexually. I've actually never climax from sex or oral sex, and I know it's medication I'm on, and I've been sexually active for a long time.

Okay.

And it's never happened. And I don't know if it's a bad thing to say, but I say to women when they, you know, I tell them ahead of time, I say, don't worry about it. It doesn't happen. If it does, great.

But.

And I've gotten to that point, and I don't know if that's a bad mindset to have about it, but I just never happened.

It never has happened. So you're on antidepressants, and you said other. Other. I mean, yes. SSRIs. I'm sure you're, like, on an SSRI.

I think bipolar, Got it. Depression, anti anxiety, all those things. Sleeping medications. And I take like eight different medications.

Okay, that is going to do it. That is going to, that is going to kill. I mean, do you still have a sex drive though? You still get turned on? You get erections?

Yeah, but the only way I can, I can climaxes from masturbation.

Okay. Have you talked to, have you been on the same meds for a while?

They've. They change me here and there, but for the most part, yes, I've been on medication since I was four years old.

Okay. Have you talked to your doctor lately, your psychiatrist and tell them that this is going on?

Yeah. And they'll. Some of times they'll say don't take this before you have sex or it shouldn't kill your sex drive. And at the same time I'll tell another my primary and he'll say, oh yeah, this is your problem.

Right. Well, they're right, it is your problem. I mean that's a lot of medications and a lot of times they can tinker with it. So you gotta find a psychiatrist and maybe he isn't the right one anymore. Like I'm telling you, they all. You're gonna get a lot of different opinions, but this is, you know, I think that they can kind of. You can go down on some medications sometimes you like, things change over time. If you haven't updated or met with your psychiatrist lately, they could kind of give you something that can kind of counter some of the symptoms, some of the side effects that you're having for, from the medications. Because it would make sense that you could only do it during masturbation. And maybe a lot part of it could be psychological because it hasn't happened for you ever. So you're like, it will never happen. But I think a combination of talking to your psychiatrist or your primary, it sounds like he's more on your side with the this or you need a new psychiatrist. Because any psychiatrist is going to be like, yeah, that's how it is. Bye. I don't love that because there's a lot of different kinds of medications again that you can take that can counteract those side effects. Or he's right.

He's usually the kind of psychiatrist will say, well, do you need more medicine?

And I'll be like, I don't know.

He'll give me something if I need it for some like depression or he'll just, his first answer is to up my drug.

Yeah, I don't know if I like, that's a God. You know what unfortunately, that's how a lot of psychiatrists are, are to up the meds, up the meds. And that's not always the answer. And so I don't know if you've been with the same guy for a while, but it's great to get another opinion. I'm telling you, you could get a lot of different opinions out there. And there's maybe one who's like, specialty is like, yeah, I know that it kind of sucks. A lot of these medications are going to kill your sex drive. You won't be able to ejaculate. And here's something we can try. And, like, I know that's hard saying, don't take this before you're gonna have sex, because sometimes you don't know when you're having sex. You're like, God damn it, I took it to dinner. I took it this morning when I woke up. How did I know I was gonna get laid tonight? So to me, that's not a solution. So I know the psychiatrist has all your records, and maybe you feel safe with him, but 8 meds is a lot, and a lot of times it's a cocktail. You got to figure out what works, and it doesn't work, and it sounds like it's just really not working for you.

So I'm in agreement with you on there. And this guy I'm not particularly fond of.

Me neither, to be honest.

So thank you. I'm glad you agree with me.

Yeah, I am. I don't like these, like, up your meds or don't take it in the morning. Like, maybe for some people that if they're in a relationship, they know, like, oh, we're having sex tonight, but you don't know. So that actually is not a good solution. So I would talk to your doctor. If he does, I would try to get a second opinion. Go see psychiatrist. Tell them what you're on. Because a lot of psychiatrists do advanced training. They're always learning, reading about new meds. Like, there's new stuff coming on the market, and they'll be willing. They'll want to work with you on this problem. And some are like, let me just write you a prescription and get out. And that'll be 350 bucks. You know, I'm saying. So I would. I would shop around.

And in my primary, he wants to put me on Cialis, but at the same time, I'm like, I'm 29.

You don't need another med. You don't need another medication right now. You don't need to have an erection. Actually, you're getting erections. Your problem is with ejaculation. So. Yeah. Yeah. So he's wrong too. You need a better psychiatrist. And you know what? Here's the other thing. You can also have a phone consultation with them. I would talk to two other ones. Just because you go another way doesn't mean it's going to be right. But you got to shop around. Talk to him on the phone.

I will.

Okay. Good luck to you, Sean. We got this. Thank you so much. Okay.

You're awesome.

Thank you.

Have a great day. Night. Thank you so much for calling.

You too.

Talk to you soon. Bye. Wow, there's a lot there. Okay. Yeah. Meds, you guys, I'm telling you, sometimes you don't even realize, like, these pills we're on. I think a lot of us take a lot of medications and. And that's because we don't need them. But we have to monitor them. Sometimes we have side effects, they go away. Sometimes they come on later and we don't know what it is for women. We're not often warned that birth control can kill our sex drive. I get it. Like, but just like, you just get informed about what you're taking, a lot of times there's an alternative that you could take that could have the same results but not have the same side effects. So don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about what you're on and making changes because, you know, none of us wants to suffer with bad sex. And unfortunately, all these medications, like, guess what, you won't be depressed. You can be super happy now, but you'll never have an orgasm. Right? That's like, that's just depressing to me anyway, so. And yeah, sometimes you got your pickers broken. We have patterns. You always hear about women dating the bad guy. And why does this happen? It's because you got to change your outlook and got to change who you're attracted to. Like we've often said. Like I've often said, like that guy that you think is hot across the bar, you lock eyes with him and you want. You want to walk towards him, turn around the other way and go towards someone else. So kind of just got to mix up our pattern.

Thanks to my awesome team. Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Brian, our interns, and my Michael. Thanks again to all my amazing listeners.

This is a blast.

Thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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