Best Of: Secret Orgasm Hacks

Let me just remind you this. There is no shame in orgasming with a vibrator only. Okay, let me just normalize that for a minute. You're getting to the same place you're having an orgasm, right? Like, you use the calculator function on your phone, right? You're not actually sitting there adding up numbers and doing long division. Either way, you're getting to the answer.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today's best of episode is all about the orgasm. What the heck is actually happening when you have one and when you've never had one before? How do you finally get there? And for those of you who want to have multiple and new kinds of orgasm, well, I've got you covered in this episode as well. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new articles, 6 Essential Sex Toy hacks and how to train your vagina are up@sexwithemily.com all right, enjoy this episode.

All right.

I hear from you all the time about orgasms, and a lot of times you're in a state of desperation. Dr. Emily, help. I can't orgasm with my partner or help. I've never had an orgasm before. So before we get into it, I want to first reassure you that if you're one of these people, you're totally normal. You're not broken. Nothing's wrong with you. Just like our other body parts go through unique periods, like having an upset stomach or a breakout on your face. These moments can be frustrating, but they aren't permanent. So too with orgasms. So let's first talk about what's actually happening during orgasm so you can understand the connection between your brain, blood flow and all those wonderful muscle contractions. First, we have the excitement phase. So the excitement phase is, you know, your heart rate quickens, your breathing is accelerated, your skin might become fleshed, your nipples become hard or erect. And this is when the blood flow, the blood flow to the genital is increasing. So your clitoris is going to swell labia, your man's going to get an erection. So this is when all the stuff's happening. Then we have the plateau phase. And this extends to right before orgasm. So this is when everything that I just talked about intensifies. So maybe your nipples get really erect, your clitoris really swells, your penis is going to get a lot more erect and hard, and the vagina is going to continue to Swell because it's going to have increased blood flow and the vaginal walls might turn a different color. Now the clitoris is going to become really sensitive at this point. Might even become painful to touch. And you'll see that if you have a clitoral hood that the clitoris will start to protrude out from the clitoral hood. The clitoral hood is going to retract. So then the men's testicles or his balls are going to tighten. And either, no matter if you're penis or vulva, you're going to realize that your breathing is going to quicken, your heart rate, blood pressure is going to increase. You might even get muscle spasms, you know, in your feet or your face or your hands. There's like a lot of tingling going on. And then phase three, we have orgasm. Now the orgasm is the climax. That's the big part of the sexual response cycle. And typically orgasm doesn't last that long. And this is when there's gonna be like the involuntary muscle contractions in your pelvic floor area. Again, this goes for all genders. We start to feel like a twitching. Your blood pressure, your heart rate, your breathing, like those are really intense and they're at their highest rates. You're taking a lot of oxygen, you're breathing heavy. You might get muscle spasms in your feet. And then you might feel like this forceful release of sexual tension. Like you might have been holding your breath and then you just wanna release. For women, the muscles inside their vagina are going to contract. You're going to start to feel some contractions. This is your pelvic floor muscles working for you. And then if you have a penis, this is also when you're going to ejaculate. All right, so then the final phase is the resolution. So this is when your body's going to turn to its normal level of functioning. If you were swelling or other body parts were erect, they're going to go back to where they were at the beginning, previous size and shape. When this happens, you're just kind of a more general sense of well being. You might feel closer to your partner, you might be tired. Now some women have a shorter refractory period, which means that they might be able to have an orgasm again. And penis owners need some more recovery time. After orgasm, they have a longer refractory period. So those are the general stages, just to kind of walk you through some changes that you can recognize in your body. And it's kind of fun to follow along if you're Thinking, I've never had one, what should I expect? But it is different for everybody and I'm going to get into that. So it's a really subjective experience. I'm just kind of giving you some guideposts here to help lead you down your orgasm path. So you just know that you're on the right track and then you're going to figure out what it is for you. But I'm going to give you a lot of pointers here. So listen, if you've never had one and you have a vulva, because again, I don't hear from many penis owners who've never had an orgasm. So what I do hear it from vulva owners and then their partners who are like, why can't my vulva owning partner have an orgasm? So let's get into it. You gotta train for it. Yes, there are some vulva owners who had intercourse, penetrative sex, and they were able to have an orgasm, but that is rare. And even if it does happen that way, I highly recommend masturbation to help develop our own neural pathways to pleasure. Understand how you're going to have an orgasm. What works for you without the pressure of someone staring over your shoulder and saying, are you there yet? Are you there yet? It's really hard to have an orgasm for the first time when someone's just kind of waiting there and staring at you and trying to help, but you're like, I don't even know what I'm looking for, you know? And culturally there is this sort of social expectation that young penis owners, young men are going to start training their orgasms, they're going to start finding their orgasms younger than vulva owners, younger than young girls. And that's why we get this question, because we have some ketchup to do. We glorify men masturbating and their penises on the outside of their body. And there's just so many things that in media that talk about, well, men are going to masturbate and women know we never see it anywhere. So it makes sense why so many vulva owners are still kind of trying to figure it out. There's also the orgasm gap. Let me remind you that there is a disparity and inequality in orgasms between vulva and penis owners. So, for example, in heterosexual relationships, penis owners take about four to six minutes to orgasm. Let's just say on average, a vulva owner takes between 10 and 40 minutes. I find that to be more like 15 to 20 in 40 minutes. That is a huge gap. And that's why there's such orgasm disparity. And there's also been studies show that time and time again penises are just gonna orgasm. It's not as hard for you. It's something you've been practicing for and it's gonna happen. It might take you a little bit longer and you might come before you want to, but you're going to orgasm. Heterosexual penis owners orgasm the most during sex. And amongst vulva owners, lesbians orgasm the most sexual. So that means that vulva to vulva, they know what's going on and they know how to please each other. So I hope that's inspiring to you because if you have a vulva and you haven't orgasm yet, it just means that you need to be your own best partner right now. You need to be patient. You need to take the time with yourself. And I wanted to remind you that only 20% of vulva owners orgasm during penetration. That's important. Another reason why to focus on masturbation so you can explain to your partner, this is how I like to be touched. I, I really like oral sex. This is how you can use your hands, but we gotta be responsible for our own orgasms. You could also experiment with different toys and sensations. You can try using a vibrator. Go to our website, check out our store@sexwithemily.com because I list there some of the best toys for masturbation and to get started. But remember this, please just be patient. Please everybody be patient. Be patient and be consistent. Consistently. Try to masturbate. Try to get to know your body, but know that it's going to take time. And honestly, patience and consistency is the secret to success in most areas of your life. If you want to amp up your workout routine, you want to eat healthier, you got to be patient with yourself because there's no such thing as fast results here. You're not going to instantly have an orgasm the first time you masturbate. But if you stick with it and you're consistent and you're patient, it's going to happen. There's going to be a lot of pleasure coming from this show. But please don't focus on orgasm as the end goal. So when you're taking the time time to masturbate and figure out your body, be more mindful and think my only goal here is I want to explore my body. I want to figure out what feels good to me. That's what you got to do. 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So how do you elevate your orgasm? How do you make your orgasm even better? I talk a lot about edging. We have a great edging guide on our site, a free downloadable guide that you can check out. But when I say edging, that helps both penis and vulva owners. And that's essentially the practice of coming close to having an orgasm, close to ejaculating, close to climaxing, but then you stop the body from getting there. So the reason why edging is so cool is because it can help you prolong sexual activity. Like people with penises might edge to control ejaculation if they want to last longer. But it's also to achieve a really much more powerful and intense orgasm in the end. So essentially, you're bringing yourself to the brink of an orgasm and then bringing yourself back down, and then you're bringing it back up and then you're bringing it back down. So it's like a sexual exercise and it's really, really effective because the more you stop yourself from orgasm. And again, this works for vulva owners too, when it finally happens, it's going to be that much more intense. Remember this. Use foreplay to your advantage. I know that you might have heard, oh yeah, foreplay, foreplay. But we just get on to, you know, penetration. But there's so much that happens with foreplay. Like you need it. Foreplay isn't just a suggestion, it's actually a requirement. And think about it. Foreplay is sort of a combo of eroticism. You know, you're getting really hot and turned on and touch. So you need that stimulation of somebody, you know, teasing you and turning you on. But then the combination with touch is going to increase blood flow to your genitals and blood flow in your genitals is what's going to bring you to orgasm. And that's why a lot of penis owners and vulva owners have challenges around orgasm, is because something is restricting our blood flow. Happens as we get older, Happens with decline in hormones, can happen with certain medications. So it's important to figure out what foreplay works for you. It could be being kissed on the neck. God, I love being kissed on the neck. Being touched on your forearm. It could be slowly undressing. It could be digital stimulation. You know, someone using their fingers. It could be dirty talk. You know, you get to kind of figure out what works for you. And sometimes I think foreplay can be the main event. I'm a fan of that. Another way to intensify your orgasms is Kegel exercises. These are the orgasm muscles for both vulva owners and penis owners. We all have pelvic floor muscles, and Kegel is just that. It's a pelvic floor squeeze. So to practice, just pretend as though you're stopping the flow of urine, hold it a beat and repeat. And you do that every day for like five minutes. And you will have the most amazing and strong pelvic floor muscles. Hormones play a huge role in this. Pay attention to your cycle. If you a vulva in the days leading up to ovulation, your body is giving you an orgasm assistance by sending more blood flow to your pelvic region in the days leading up to ovulation. So pay attention to your cycle and your flow tells us a lot about our sex life. And remember, there's a lot of different kinds of orgasms. For example, there's a clitoral orgasm, but you remember that you can't see the clitoral legs that reach up inside the body behind the vulva. And these also contribute to orgasm. There's 8,000 nerve endings. That's kind of how the majority of vulva owners are going to have a clitoral orgasm. Then there's a G spot orgasm or the G area orgasm. And that's more internal. In the clitoral orgasm, few inches inside the vagina, up on the upper wall of the vagina. When you have a clitoral orgasm, it's a lot easier to have a G spot orgasm after because the area is more swelled and more engorged. All right, Blended orgasm. If you can handle two or three or four times the intensity of a pleasure of a regular orgasm, well, you'd love a blended orgasm. It's essentially a climax when more than one erogen zone is being stimulated at the same Time. So G spot penetration along with clitoral touching is one way to experience it. It could also be vaginal penetration along with clitoral or anal stimulation. All of these work to have a delicious blended orgasm. Then we have the peanut orgasm is your classic orgasm for penis owners. Typically, but not always leading to ejaculation. Then there's the prostate orgasm, also penis owners. This occurs when the prostate is stimulated via the anus. Definitely try that out if you have a penis. And then there's a nipplegasm. Fun fact. When the nipples are stimulated, oxytocin is released, which causes the same uterine and vaginal contractions associated with orgasm. Yep. The nipples and the clitoris are also when they are stimulated. They are reaching the same regions of the brain, so they're very closely related. Nipple orgasms are a lot more common than you think. They just take a little time and a little focus. And remember, there's so many erogenous zones. The ears, the neck, the elbows, the knees. They can also cause lots of pleasurable reactions when kissed and played with. So play with all these areas. All right, everyone, on to your questions. This is from Carissa, 26 years old. Hey, Dr. Emily. I just want to say I love your show. It's helping me grow so much. But recently I've been having a block when it comes to orgasms. I'm a 26 year old female. I've been with my male partner for a year and a half. In the beginning, the sex was amazing. He actually got me to climax every time. But one night after drinks, we were having sex and I was unable to. I became frustrated because he was doing everything he normally does and I was on the edge but could never get there. Fast forward. A week later, we had sex again. And I had a little orgasm for nothing compared to what I'm used to. Fast forward. A week later, I tried to masturbate with a toy and had a very little orgasm again. Two days later, having sex with a partner. And then a little one. What's wrong with me? Am I broken? Do I need to take a break from sex altogether? Help me. All right, Carissa. Well, let's just say this. A little orgasm is still an orgasm. Okay? So there's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. But I'm wondering. Sometimes we put our orgasms on a pedestal. I call this euphoric recall. That anything that happened in the past, we tend to remember it as this amazing thing. So are you glorifying all your orgasms just like we do with our Exes, we think they're so amazing and we forget all the drawbacks. Are you doing this with your orgasm? Was your orgasm that much bigger? What was happening in the past is what I want to know. I also want to know this. I'm going to take your word for it that your orgasms are little now and they're not as massive as they were in the past. So what we got to look at is, has anything changed in your relationship? Number one, has anyone broken trust? Have you guys have had some disagreements? Has anything happened where you don't feel as safe in your current relationship? Because that is something that could impact your ability to have a bigger orgasm? How about your health? Has anything changed? Are you on any medications? Have you changed anything with the food you're eating? Are you exercising more or less? Do you have more stress in your life than you had before?

Are you drinking more? Are you drinking less? Right. These are all the things that impact our ability to orgasm. You said one night after drinks, how many drinks? Because remember this about our orgasm and our patterns of orgasm is that there's so many cases where penis owners, for example, the first time they have sex, they came too quickly, right? Premature ejaculations, we call it. And then they were so terrified of that happening again that for years, every time they had sex, they became a delayed ejaculator, meaning it took them an hour to ejaculate. That's just one example. Or we got shamed for our genitals as a vulva owner. Someone said our vulva looked funny. And then we can never orgasm again. We can't even get naked with a partner. So I want you to look at all of these things. Was there anything that happened that might be impacting the last few weeks of your orgasm changing? Only you can answer that. I'd love to know, Karissa. And keep me posted. So take a look at it, break it down, talk to your partner, talk to yourself, journal about it, and see if you can kind of figure out the ways to rebuild your orgasm. Because remember, just as quickly as it changed, you can work on it and bring it back to not only where it was, where you want your orgasm to go. Because so much of our orgasm changing or not having the orgasm when you want to has to do with our brains and our psychology and what's actually going on. What's our belief about ourself? What's our belief about orgasm? So those are some things to think about. And I'm here for you. Thanks, Carissa. Let's talk about the Psychology of orgasm. The good news here is that so much of what keeps us from orgasming is because of thoughts that we're having. Our psychology, our beliefs about our bodies and our ability to orgasm, we kind of o block ourselves. Like we are blocking ourselves. So just the same way we're blocking ourselves, we can learn to be present, to be mindful, to let go of thoughts that don't serve us about our bodies and about orgasm. I've talked about that a lot on the show, but really just learning how to be present, to be mindful, to release negative beliefs about your body, talking to your partner about it, and learning to breathe. I mean, breathing is a huge part of orgasm. Remember deep breathing, not shallow breathing, because the shallow breathing is sort of what naturally happens when we're aroused. But when you learn to breathe during sex, like deep, like breathing into your pelvic floor where your exhales are longer than your inhales. Even if it's a count of three in your inhale and your exhales of four, that's all going to help circulate the energy in your body, take your focus off of your thoughts and put it into your body, which is where the orgasm is happening. So remember that you're responsible for your own orgasm. And I believe we can all get there as many times as we want to. Just make it a practice. This is from Lisa, 38, in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your show. And I have a little secret. My partners think I'm having multiple orgasms in night. But at least half the time I am faking the first one or two and then orgasming it two or three. I'm very turned on with them. It's great foreplay and I can totally be in the moment. I. But what happens is when they think I've already orgasmed, well, it adds to my arousal. So the second orgasm is actually the real deal. I also like seeing them orgasm. I like the pace and the mood changing after they think I've orgasmed. And I'm also a submissive who likes the idea that they're using my body, which men tend to do after I finish because they feel like, oh, now I can focus on myself, I can focus on my own pleasure. Is it okay for me to continue to fake this first orgasm or do I need to get honest with them or try something else? Thank you, Lisa. You're not doing anything wrong here. Think of it like a pre workout. I mean, a pre workout is still kind of your workout, right? If you stretch or you're Kind of building up to your workout. You have a whole sex routine. It sounds like it's working for you. I also like to think that orgasms are all about variety. And because you're asking, it leads me to believe that you'd like to try something different as well. And I don't love the idea of faking. You know, you heard me say this. I think that we shouldn't fake orgasms. I think it's great to sort of be authentic and not have to be in your head and thinking, like, how do I orgasm right now? And usually we fake orgasms because we don't want to upset our partner. We want them to feel like they are pleasing us. But the fact that you're actually getting to orgasm makes this a little bit more complex. But since orgasm is all about variety and you're asking me, I believe that you don't feel so great about the faking it. If and when you're with a partner that you trust or you see them more regularly, you say to them, I'd love to work on my arousal and my orgasm in a different way. I'd like to try something new. Let him know that you'd like to play up the submissive desires. Because you're submissive, right? And there's other ways to be submissive. Maybe he could dominate you verbally. He can actually say, I'm going to tell you when you can orgasm and when you can't. That might really turn you on. He also dominate you physically, emotionally. You might want to be tied up, you might want to be spanked. You know, there's a lot of different ways that you can experience as a submissive. Incredible sex, orgasm and arousal and all those things. So I would kind of play with that because it sounds like you've gotten into a routine with yourself. You know that it works, but you want to try something new. And it sounds like you're really on your own, having your own experience. I want to remind everybody that your orgasm and when you're with a partner is a great time for you to co create your sexual experience. You don't have to be on your own in your head thinking about all the things you want to do to make it hot. You could actually enroll your partner in the experience and say, I've been really wanting to play with my edges a little bit. I want to play with my orgasm. Then they're invested in it and then you're both in it together and you get to teach each other what you like and what turns both of you on. Which is really, to me, the ultimate pairing. Both of you, you're communicating with your partner. You know, your arousal, desire and orgasm cycles. And then you get to play and have fun with it. And then you're constantly expanding and growing and learning more and more. So your sex life's not going to get boring. It won't get stale. And you won't be in an orgasm routine or any other kind of routine, because after a while, the routine is going to become rote and a little bit stale, especially when it comes to your sex life. I'm going to take a quick break, but stick around after Word for our sponsors. I'm answering more of your emails. Don't go away.

Let's talk to Elisa, 23 in New York City. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've never had an orgasm before. I masturbate regularly. I have several different vibrators and dildos and have gotten adventurous in the bedroom with my significant other the last two years. Sometimes I'm really close to orgasming and then suddenly it feels like I'm hitting a brick wall. It just disappears. I've gotten very frustrated with myself sexually. Why can't I orgasm? What am I missing? All right, Elisa, thank you so much for your question. It's a very common question. So just I want to like, normalize that for you. And just so you understand that it's okay that you haven't had one. A lot of people your age have never had one because it takes a little bit of work. I often say that the vagina is like the Rubik's cube of life. You know, it's internal. It's not as easy to see or understand. Penis owners have a penis and it's sticking out and they can touch it and it's a lot easier. Okay, so the struggle is real. And you say that you're masturbate regularly and using a lot of vibrators and dildos, which is great, great. But remember that our brain is the largest sex organ. How are you getting your brain warmed up for sex? Are you thinking erotic thoughts? That's what I recommend. You can listen to audio erotica, you can watch female friendly porn. Think about things that turn you on. Do you have a core erotic theme? And you want to make sure that you are in an environment where you can actually relax. Just take time exploring your body. Maybe take a bath, the warm water from a bath, and just kind of start to touch your body everywhere. Don't go right for your genitals. Like, think about it as seducing yourself, moving your fingers Slowly over your body and just figuring out, like, what feels good to you. And then bring the vibrators in. But I would say once you start warming yourself up, you definitely want to have lube handy. Lube is great addition to masturbation. I recommend it because, remember, our clitoris is not going to lubricate itself. And vulva owners are more likely to orgasm when you add lube to the situation. So you can just turn on your vibrator and learn to use it all over your bod. Start to feel how it feels in your neck, your nipples, drag it down your stomach. And then you start to tease yourself. Use it in your inner thighs, start to use it on your outer labia, your inner labia. And then you can sort of move it over your clitoris. And remember to breathe. Breathing is a huge part of orgasm. Sometimes we hold our breath, we tense up, we constrict. But the more you can focus on actually feeling good in the moment and then breathing into it. Oh, I kind of liked how the vibrator felt on my outer thigh. Maybe I'll leave it there for a moment longer. Maybe I should slow down and just really pay attention to what I'm noticing and what I'm feeling. And that's really where we start to learn and become experts in our own body. And then, you know, it takes a little bit of time. You might not have the orgasm the first time you start slowing it down, but it's going to happen if you are consistent. I would even say maybe once a week. You spend time with yourself, understanding your body, doing this exercise of mindful masturbation, which is what I'm all about, being mindful, being present with your body, body wisdom and noticing what feels good to you. And then you can bring this into your partner. And then you could say, you know what? I've been working on some masturbation. Maybe we could use some mutual masturbation. And then he's gonna get on with your plan. Then he's gonna see what you're doing, and then he can mimic that. Oh, you really like your nipples touched. You hold the vibrator this way. Maybe the vibrator the way you're showing me. And then it becomes a shared experience. Listen, if you have a partner, it's so much better to bring them into this experience. But if you've never orgasm, which is why emphasizing a lot of this work you do on your own, and then you bring it into the relationship and you can do it simultaneously, you can set up your masturbation nights and Then tell your partner about it. Then he'll be more on board, probably with learning along with you, rather than feeling like he's got to figure it on his own. Or you show up for sex and it's like, now he's in charge of the vibrator and make this a shared goal. Make this a shared experience, and I promise you, you'll be more likely to get there to have your orgasm and have a lot more fun doing so. This is from Caitlin, 32, in Texas. Hey, Dr. Emily. I love swe. The only way I can orgasm with a partner is by using a vibrator. I'm wondering if I'm missing out on some kind of untapped pleasure with partner sex. I feel very comfortable with my sexuality. I've gotten my master's in psychology, and I'm a couple years in starting a private practice as a sex coach. I'm a stripper, and I have a show in pornhub where we watch and make fun of porn. All that being said, I'm comfortable with my sexuality and read research a ton, but still have issues with this. Not ashamed of vibrators. I don't feel bad about my partner pleasing me, and I've had some really good oral and finger play, masturbate all the time, take breaks from vibrators, all that. But I would just be honored to get your opinion on this. Thank you so much. All right, so it sounds like you're doing all the things Kaitlyn, and this is a really common question. First off, let me just remind you this. There is no shame in orgasming with a vibrator only. Okay, let me just normalize that for a minute. You're getting to the same place you're having an orgasm, right? Like, you use the calculator function on your phone, right? You're not actually sitting there adding up numbers and doing long division. Either way, you're getting to the answer. It's pretty cool if you know how to do long division and carry over the one. Do people still do that stuff? But does it matter? Like, you're getting your answer. It's quick. That's why we have technology, and we use advancements in technology in every area of our life, and we don't doubt it. But with sex, we think, oh, I have to use a vibrator. Does it make it less than? And I'm telling you, no. How does it feel? Does it feel good? Great. However, let's talk about this. I do think there's something wonderful to exploring and learning about your orgasmic potential. And Bringing the vibrator back when you want to, but really just kind of slowing down and getting curious and not going right for your genitals and seducing yourself and taking time might be repeating some stuff in this show, but it's because I really want you all to understand that so much of great sex, so much of great orgasm, so much of knowing your body is a slowness and is a patience and a consistency. It's not a hit or quit it. It's not a wham bam, thank you, man. It's not. You're just not going to plug in and understand. If you've been using a vibrator your whole life, watching porn, every time you have sex, you're only used to orgasming in a certain way with your left hand and not your right hand. We all have certain patterns of how we do things and to rewind those patterns, to undo those patterns and to fire different synapses in the brain, it takes some learning. And so it takes, again, patience. So I would start from square one. I would say, like, okay, I'm not going to use a vibrator right now, but I would take my hands, I'm going to gently rub them over my body. I'm going to use body oil, I'm going to engage all my senses. I'm going to light a candle that smells really good. I'm going to play a playlist that just really turns me on. And it's about the lighting and the atmosphere created atmosphere where you feel safe to explore your body. And again in this slowing down and breathing and having a truly embodied, which means in your body, somatic experience. I think we can all learn from this. We can all learn to really notice what am I feeling in my body? What's turning me on right now? Do I like a tapping around my clitoris? Do I like to tap? Do I like to stroke? Do I like a light touch? Do I like a firmer touch? Do I want to masturbate with a piece of clothing over my body, over my clitoris, or over my vulva? Sometimes that feels really good to play with fabrics. I welcome you to explore and to have fun with this process of learning to orgasm without a vibrator. But again, no pressure. If you want to bring the vibrator in after a few moments or after 20 minutes, that's fine too. But I recommend everybody to just sort of practice mindful masturbation. Practice exploring without the goal of orgasm. Practice masturbation without the goal of orgasm. And the goal simply here is exploration. And that's what I encourage you to do. Caitlin Casey, 24 in Arkansas. Hi Dr. Emily. I've been sleeping with my significant other for around nine months now and I'm still having trouble orgasming during sex. I'm incredibly attracted to him, have no problem getting turned on by him during foreplay and otherwise. But even I try to coach him and show him what I like. I even have him do what I do when I pleasure myself. I still can't seem to climax. I feel like I found myself trying so hard to orgasm and I've stopped actually enjoying sex like I used to when orgasming wasn't as much of a goal. Any tips? Thanks so much. I'll say it again. Remember, our brain is our largest sex organ and our brains are going to keep us from having orgasms many times because we're so in our heads and we're worrying about orgasming that we can't get there. Goal oriented sex is way less fun. It puts added pressure on you and your partner. It's kind of like hearing from couples who are trying to have a baby and so they have to have sex certain times of month in a 48 hour period. And then they want to know why sex isn't fun anymore. We put a goal or a condition on sex. We take away the spontaneity. So what I would say is that like, what are other creative ways that you can play together? What are ways that you can have fun together? I'm not sure if you've ever orgasmed in the past with a partner, but I want to remind you that only 20% of vulva owners are actually going to have an orgasm from penetration. So you might just be one of the ones who doesn't and that's fine too. I'm wondering if you've had orgasms with your partner in other ways. Oral sex, touching, all that. So I mean, I wanna make sure you've actually had orgasms on your own. Because remember, you guys, there are some people who have orgasms during intercourse and that happens. And maybe you've never masturbated some of those vulva owners. But for many, the majority of vulva owners, we need to do the work on our own, understanding our bodies, what feels good, all that. But going back to you and your partner, you know, if you're both so focused on, oh, we gotta orgasm and is it gonna happen, is it not? That's gonna take the fun out of for both of you. So I really urge you both to kind of make this fun again and say, let's really get into the moment. Like, let's like practice being mindful. And that's when you focus on the five senses. So I encourage you to think about scent, think about sight, think about taste, think about sound, and think about touch. So for scent, light a candle in the room. Is there a candle or a certain scent that kind of grounds you and makes you feel good? So once you focus on all of your senses, this is when in the moment with your partner you say, we're both going to focus on our senses. Because when we are grounded in the moment, focusing on our five senses, we can't be elsewhere. You can't be thinking about orgasm in the future. You can't be thinking about anything in the past. You have to be present. So once you incorporate all those, you're like, okay, what am I smelling? I'm smelling this candle that I love. What am I seeing? I'm seeing my partner's sexy body. What am I feeling? My hands are my partner's waist or, you know, they're touching my body and I'm feeling the way my skin feels beneath my hands as I'm trying to touch myself. What am I tasting? Maybe you're tasting your partner's lips, or maybe you're still tasting what you had for dinner. You know, you're hearing either your breath, you're hearing your favorite playlist, but once you keep cycling through all five senses, you may have to do it a few times. You'll realize that it really grounds you in the moment. And those thoughts of goal oriented, why aren't I orgasming? Why will go just go away? They just disappear? Because they can't exist in the same moment that you're present. And you'll find that once you're present with your partner and you remember to breathe because breathing is so important, then you'll be more likely to be present with the experience and be able to notice what's happening in your body and feel what's happening in your body. So you'll be more likely to orgasm and to just feel pleasure. Maybe there's more pleasure I want you to feel during sex right now. Maybe that should be your goal. I want to feel everything that's happening. I want to feel my nerve ending stimulated. This is all a practice because most of us are in our heads all the time, all day, every day. And I'm asking all of you to practice a more embodied present experience with what's happening in the moment in your body, whether your partner's there or not. All right, Casey, thanks so much for Your email, this is from Katrina, 32 in Colorado. Hey, Dr. Emily, can you do a podcast or post about only being able to orgasm once during sex for females? In the past with my vibrator, I've been able to orgasm up to nine times in a row. Whoever having sex, I can only orgasm one time. My partner. I would really like if I could orgasm multiple times. Thank you. All right, well, now you're bringing up the main difference between penis and vulva owners orgasms. And that is the refractory period for vulva owners. It's way shorter. We are blessed with the ability to easily achieve multiple orgasms. If you have a penis, well, it can take you a little bit longer. You might not be able to go and have another and another and another as quickly. So when you say multiple orgasms, that's what you guys remember. That refers to usually successive orgasms during a single sexual encounter. You might have three orgasms in a day, but when I'm talking about multiples, we're talking about it's in a sexual encounter. And the good news is, I believe that if you have a vagina and a clitoris, you're pretty primed. You're probably likely to be able to have multiple orgasms. And again, that goes back to our refractory period. There might be a moment for vulva owners right after you have an orgasm when your clitoris is just super sensitive. You're like, I don't want to be touched. And then after that, you're like, after a few minutes or, you know, 30 seconds, you're like, oh, I can take touch again. For penis donors again, it could be a little bit longer. And they don't want their genitals touch again at all. So the clitoris might only need a minute or two before it can handle more stimulation. So here's the tips for multiple orgasms. First thing is make sure that you can orgasm once. And it sounds like you can. Then after you have that first orgasm, you just want to switch up your stimulation. Because remember, let's say you have an orgasm from rubbing your clitoris or from intercourse. Usually you don't want to keep going that way. You just want to take a break. It might be just your body's too sensitive. So try different kinds. That might be moving your hands or your partner's hands to your nipples, or your partner kisses you everywhere in your body but the genitals, but the clitoris. And then you want to continue to breathe. So you continue to breathe while your partner's switching up the stimulation and Kissing you and moving around other parts of your body. Now you might have a clitoris who actually craves some. Even though it's sensitive, you might want to keep going, keep going. And that's just something you have to figure out on your own. Remember, we're all different. For many vulva owners, we want to take the pressure off our clitoris. For some, it, like, hurts, but you want to keep going, and that's good too. So you just got to experiment. The next thing you want to do is take the pressure off yourself. Because if you're thinking, oh, my God, am I going to orgasm again? Is it going to happen? Is my partner pressuring me? It's not going to happen. And in fact, nothing's going to happen during sex. If you're putting pressure on yourself when our brains are thinking stuff or pressuring us or saying, why aren't you orgasming? Or you didn't orgasm yet? Or you orgasm too quickly, like, it's just not our friend during sex. Next thing you want to do is bring in your pelvic floor. If you focus on your Kegel muscles, your PC muscles, which is the muscles of responsible orgasm, and you kind of pump those, put your hand over your entire vulva area. Or you can pulse contractions while, like, squeezing your thighs together and just play with that whole area. You might be able to increase and intensify orgasmic contractions and feel more waves of pleasure, because that's where the orgasms are coming from most of the time. So the more you apply pressure to them, practice your Kegels. Do them in that moment, or you have strong Kegel muscles, you're sort of pumping them and you're increasing and enhancing your ability to have another orgasm. Next thing you want to do is focus on your breathing. Remember, you have to breathe. Sometimes we unconsciously hold our breath while building up to orgasm. But when you're breathing, like, slowly and purposefully and you're doing deeply, especially when you're in these kega muscles and you're breathing deep and you're picturing your breath moving down to your pelvic floor, all the while you're working together and you're being mindful of what you're experiencing, you're more likely to have another orgasm. And remember, don't be shy about using toys in this moment. I know you said that that's worked for you, that you've had multiples using toys, but you want to be able to use it with your partner. If you already had one with your partner and you want to Try toys. Don't be ashamed of bringing in some toys at all. I'm giving you all the ingredients for multiple orgasms. Then you can try any one of these. You can try all of these and see what happens for you. You could also try new positions. Maybe there's one position that works for you for one of them. But you'd be surprised to find out, well, if I get on the bottom now, I can always orgasm on top. But after I have an orgasm, I'm much more engorged. My entire vulva is more swollen that when I'm actually on bottom now, I'm more likely to orgasm. So play different positions now. For many vulva owners, their first orgasm might be a clitoral orgasm. But after you have a clitoral orgasm, remember that your internal or your G spot becomes much more aroused and the blood rushes to that area. So it might be easier for you to orgasm in different positions. And maybe it's a position that allows for deeper penetration. So maybe it's doggy style. Maybe it's reverse cowgirl. Maybe it's playing with edges on the bed or using a pillow under your butt because it allows for deeper penetration. So again, your body is changing throughout this whole cycle. After you've had one orgasm, it's changing and you're becoming even more aroused. So just play around. And I just want to remind everybody, remember to have fun with this, because one orgasm is fine and there's nothing wrong with you. So don't be afraid to say, you know what? It's not happening today. Maybe we try again tomorrow. Oh, and remember, don't forget the lube. This is from Corey, 30, in Philadelphia. Hey, Dr. Emily. I'm a male, and I've been having trouble orgasming. It could take me a while to finish, sometimes over an hour. I've been dating my girlfriend for about six, seven months. I'm pretty comfortable with her, and I like her a lot. It also happened in prior relationships. I feel as though 50% of the time I'm able to orgasm and 50% not either. It takes too long and I'm not able to. And even after trying different positions and things, I found that one position works best. So I stick with that. But then sometimes that doesn't even work. I feel like it's a sensation issue, like maybe I lost some sensation down there. Not sure if masturbating caused it. Sometimes I feel like the tip is almost numb. I've tried to go a while without masturbating, hoping that it helps. And it has a Little bit, but sometimes I still can't finish. I never had an issue with this. Masturbating alone, only with sex. I'm looking for some advice on what to do to build that sensation back. I've gone to doctors, had my testosterone levels checked, which was fine. Desperate for help. Thank you, Dr. Emily. Thank you so much for your email, Corey. Now, this is something that we like to call delayed ejaculation. It's very common, or it's been called impaired ejaculation. Basically, it means it takes prolonged periods of sexual stimulation for a penis owner to ejaculate. Now, a lot of penis owners can experience delayed ejaculation from time to time, but for others, it's a lifelong challenge. And the symptoms of it, well, it can take anywhere between like 45 minutes to an hour to ejaculate with a partner. And just like you, Corey, many of them talk about the fact that they can do it during masturbation, but they can't do it with a partner. Now, there are things that can cause late ejaculation, but it is sort of a mystery. Definitely check medications. But you said you went to a doctor. But let me just tell you, for people listening, it could be antidepressants, antipsychotics, blood pressure medication, alcohol. Remember, you guys, a lot of alcohol can really impact your ability to ejaculate. It's completely normal that this can happen for some penis owners time to time. But we're talking about the delayed ejaculation. Now what happens is with delayed ejaculation, you don't really look at why it's happening and you're like, just fix it, just fix it, just fix it. But you really have to think about the why. Like what? Like, and let me help you unpack it here. A few reasons why this might happening is maybe you're having sexual fantasies or you're watching a lot of porn that's more exciting to you than the actual sex that you're having. And then your body's getting trained to watching a certain kind of porn, fantasizing about a certain port of porn. And so it's a visual aid. And so when you're actually with a partner, you're just not able to match it. Which is why there's a lot of people who have to be watching porn even during partner sex. And not just for the fun titillating, hey, let's watch porn tonight, honey. Really? Like, it's a requirement. There's levels of arousal that differ when you're watching porn or with a partner. So you just need to kind of learn to move away from porn for a bit and focus on the sensations that you're having with your partner. Now, there could be another thing that happens. It could be. There's a technique. There's a certain technique that you are using during masturbation that's not being used during partner sex. And this could happen with vulva owners as well. There's like a way that you're holding your hand, you're really. There's a tight grip on your penis, or you are sitting in a certain way that you just can't quite mimic during partnered sex. And so your body and your brain are learning one specific way to orgasm. And so that's something you gotta look at as well. And then the last thing is anxiety and performance anxiety. We don't talk about this enough at all, but there's so much pressure on penis owners to be like, I have sex, I'm always ready to go, I'm always hard, and I'm always gonna ejaculate. Well, that's just not the case for so many penis owners. And that puts a lot of pressure on them. And it's sort of like, also, there's a lot of ways that we portray the male orgasm as the end of sex. And then if you feel like, well, I can't ejaculate well, then you feel like you're not really being a man. And so it is a problem. And so it could be any one of these things. And remember, if it is anxiety and you are worried about it, then we need to kind of go scroll back the tapes of, like, why is this happening? Where is this pressure happening? How can you learn to become more in touch with your body during masturbation? Then maybe you need to, like, switch it up. If you always use your left hand, use your right hand. If you're always watching porn, then you can ease yourself away from the porn and say, I'm just going to focus on my body. I'm gonna be present and mindful with touch. I'm gonna seduce myself. You gotta focus on rewiring your brain towards a new way of pleasure. And you gotta be patient. Remember, so much of learning to orgasm and undo stuff from the past is patience and consistency and being open to exploration without the goal of orgasm. Now, I know you wanna be able to orgasm here with a partner, and you want to be able to orgasm quicker. But again, if any of these spoke to you, it's all going to be going back and learning your body and your own way that you ejaculate, whether it's again, switching up left hand for right hand, not watching porn, and getting into your experience, thinking about some erotic times that you've had and not using all of these aids, just kind of going back to the basics. And then slowly, over time, you can learn how to rewire your brain, have more pleasure with yourself and with a partner. And remember, if you're a delayed ejaculator, I also know this is hard because a lot of times you're with partners who think, what's wrong with me? Am I not sexy enough? Am I not turned you on enough? What am I doing wrong? You know? And we have to reassure our partners that it's not about them. It's like, because I think that we're trained to think like, well, if your partner's not ejaculating, it must be me. So bring your partner into this and say, you know, I'm trying something new. I'm playing with a new grip. I'm playing with a new way of touching. And then bring them into the experience. Because we don't have to all be in charge of our own sexuality. Like, we're definitely responsible for our own orgasm and getting to the bottom of all of this stuff. But once we figure out there's a new plan we're working on, we can also bring our partners into it. So it's a shared experience rather than like a lonely trying to rewire your brain kind of experience. Okay, this is definitely going to be much more likely when we're with a trusted partner that respects us and we respect and they want us to experience pleasure. And in my mind, those are really the only kind of partners we want to be with.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review. We're you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @SexWithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talksex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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