Best of: Sex Tips I Wish I Knew In My 20s

We all want different things in different stages of our life, different ages. But most of us don't evolve. Most of us still have sex like we did in high school.

You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to.

Help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Sexual wisdom, like all wisdom, is self awareness plus lived experience. But I hear from people in their 20s all the time who are shockingly self aware. They just haven't stacked enough life experience.

To know how to navigate sex as.

It applies to them. So maybe that's you, or maybe you're not in your 20s but feel like.

You missed out on some sexual basics.

And if that's you, gather round.

Because this best of episode is devoted.

To all the killer advice I wish I'd be given in my 20s and actually my 30s. I needed advice all the time. Whether it's figuring out what your turn.

Ons are, what to do when a.

Partner constantly cheats, or how to try anal lube. I'm answering all of your ground zero sex questions. Today we get into all of that plus how to approach your first threesome, how to seek out couples therapy. Yes, you can do it in your 20s, and how to communicate your deepest desires in the bedroom.

Hey, let's talk about intentions for a second for each episode.

Just join me in setting intention for the episode.

What I mean is like what do you want to get out of listening to this episode?

I set intention and my intention for this episode was to basically help you deepen your sexual self awareness and hopefully save you a ton of guesswork on your unique sexual journey no matter your age. Also please, please rate and review sex.

With Emily wherever you listen to the show.

In my new article, how how to make an awesome dating App.

Profile is up@sexwithemily.com also check out my.

YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, please do so. I love hearing from you.

Leave me your questions or message me@sexwithemily.com.

Askemily or you can call my hotline 559-talksex or 559-825-5739.

And please, please, please just always include.

Your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Oh but listen, you can change your.

Name if you want to remain anonymous.

I'm totally cool with that. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

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This is a really popular episode, so.

I thought it would be an awesome throwback because it's a really important topic too.

Listen, I know we can all use a little bit of a refresher. And hey, even if you're not in your 20s, I mean, I don't know about you, but the more I hear.

Things, even listening to this episode for myself, I thought, oh yeah, I need.

To remember that because you're never done learning about sex.

I just spent a week with my.

Nieces who are in their 20s, and I realized that not a lot has changed. It's still really important to learn about prioritizing your own pleasure and remembering what actually matters, how to set boundaries, how to communicate. So it's all wrapped up in this episode. All right, here's a few tips before we get started. Number one, remember, research is me search. What do I mean by that? Get to know your turn ons individually. Solo sex is important. And for me, yes, I went to grad school.

I've read a lot of books on sex.

But the best way to learn about your own sexuality and what you want is by trying things out. So research is me search you can try audio erotica, ethical porn, the written word, whatever turns you on. Take note of your turn ons. Once you figure that out, maybe in partnered sex, think about how do you like to be touched? What behaviors do you like? What's the vibe? What's the mood that you enjoy during sex? I love journaling about this stuff. In fact, after you've sex with someone, do like a play by play. What was they wearing? What were they saying?

What were they doing?

That turned me on. A lot of times we don't even think about our past sexual experiences. But think of it like your sexual DNA. There's so much information that you already have. I mean if I asked you right now, what's the most memorable time you've had sex? Think about it all right? Now that you have that memory, there's information in there. Where were you? What were you wearing? Who was the person you were with? What was the weather like? Was there music playing? Was there an element of surprise?

Was it someone you knew?

Was it a longtime partner? See, you know so much more. Now you know about a core erotic turn on. And that's what I'm talking about. Research is me. Search number two. Become a student of communication forever. You are never done learning. And here's the other thing I want to tell you. You're never going to be a perfect communicator. Nobody is. But you're going to enjoy much better sex in this lifetime if you really commit to being the best listener you can be. And also committing, committing to expressing yourself in the most authentic, grounded way possible.

I used to think I was a.

Great listener, but really I was great at talking. That's not listening. I thought I was a great communicator. But no, it's really listening, asking questions, observing. And don't do that. Dreaded making it about yourself. That happened to me once. No one wants that. No one wants to be close to somebody who's always making it about themselves. Oh, on that note, please, please, please consider therapy. I recommend it to any everyone. It's never too soon to start on your own therapy journey as well. And also gain some tools that enhance communication. Just download my guide, my three T's to communication. It's going to change your life. You can use them during sex, you can use them in the bedroom. You can use them in every area of your life. My three T's get books on nonviolent communication. Really become a student of communicating. It's never too late to train your brain and your nervous system to have better conversation with your Lovers. Because like I always say, communication is a lubrication. And finally, keep an open mind. Hey, listen, maybe you don't want a threesome or anal or an open relationship.

That's fine.

Maybe you never will. I'm totally cool with that. But listen, maybe someday you'll be interested in it. Maybe a friend will be. Stay open and stay curious. Your sexual desires are going to change over time. I mean, think about it. Do you like the same foods and in your 20s as you did in your teens? Do you like to say music?

Exactly.

Music, food, sex. All these things change and they expand and they grow throughout your lifetime. So be prepared to be amazed and excited by your future sexual self. And remember this, sometimes we aren't ready for something until we see positive examples of it. And suddenly it opens up the world to us. I'm all about sharing your real life questions here because we all learn from each other. And that's why I love your questions and I love hearing from you because you're being so honest and vulnerable. And then I try to pair it with really accurate sex information so you can find out what authentically turns you on intellectually, emotionally, and physically. And listen, if you really want to grow and have the hot, transformative sex that we all want, the best thing.

You can do is to get to.

Know yourself sexually and experiment with novelty. You know, trying out different fantasies, different sensations. Explore and have fun with this. Have fun experimenting. Listen, sex is a journey. It's not a destination. All right, everyone, on to your questions.

Let's talk to Chelsea, 26, in California. Hi, Chelsea, thanks for calling.

Hi, Emily. First, I want to say, like, thank you so much for, like, your podcast. I've been listening to it for years and you actually helped me get out of your relationship. That's not why I'm calling, but I just want to say thank you and I really appreciate our content.

Oh, you're so welcome, Chelsea. So glad I can help.

Thank God.

Kind of an abusive relationship.

That's great.

Yeah, that was a while ago, but my question now is I'm in a healthy relationship now, but we started as like a kink relationship and now that I'm like healthy and I like graduated out of therapy, I'm just not into it anymore and my partner still is.

Oh, well, first off, I just want to say congratulations for being 26 years old, getting out of an abusive relationship, and actually doing the work and having such self awareness that you realize that kink worked for you and now you're no longer there.

So that's really healthy.

So I'm just going to tell you that. And graduating from therapy. You're awesome. I think you just got to have a conversation with him, like, do you think that he would be willing to be in a relationship with you?

Yeah.

You talked about it.

We talk about it all the time. And he's like, well, like, will you try? And I was like, yeah, but I just, like, I don't know. Like, I mean, it's not anything like. I mean, obviously all the play parties are canceled with COVID and things like that. I'm like, well, maybe like, let's just put it on hold until after Covid, and then maybe if I go to a party with you, then I'll, like, be more interested in it.

Can you explain to me how it's been, like, pre Covid.

Covid, we met on that life, and, like, we're into, like, rope and, like, some impact and some sensation. And I've been trying to get him now more into the sensation than, like, the impact. I think that's the main thing is, like, I just don't like the impact anymore is where I used to like it.

Okay, you mean like spanking and discipline? Impact, like slapping and like.

Yeah, and like those toys that they have, like the.

Yeah, like the floggers and the paddles and stuff? Yeah. Okay, so you graduate from that. So I think it sounds like you.

Just need to explore with him.

What does he say when you bring it up to him? He says no.

You said that he's okay with it, though. No, he's not.

I mean, he still wants me in a relationship with me. He just, like, wants me to try to, like, be interested in it or teach him how I like it. But what I used to, like, I don't like anymore.

Oh, okay.

Well, Chelsea, let me tell you that the steps for this would be, let's go on an adventure together. Let's explore. Explore other ways to play. One of my first tips is to do some research, get curious about what your options are to play sexually. Get like. You'll see what's interesting to you. That's my first step, is to research. And then also, you can go to our website, check out the yes, no, maybe list. You could both take that quiz. And it lists literally every sex act you can imagine. Kissing, spanking, cuddling. You know, it has everything on there. And then you could see it's a yes or a no or a maybe. And even if you fill out a bunch of maybes or nos, that's progress. And it might just get Your mind going like, oh, that sounds interesting. I don't know what that. Let me look it up. So a lot of couples are using this as a great tool to, like, as a jumping off point. So don't beat yourself up that you don't know where you want to go next. I want to congratulate you for knowing that the sex life you're having is no longer working for you. That's so beautiful that you know that. And I would say that your partner sounds like he's on board, too, but he doesn't know what you want. But I'll bet if you present new scenarios and new things, he'll be down. He's probably. Was he your age as well?

Yeah.

Great. He's 26 years old. This is something I want to impart to everybody, is that we all change sexually. We all want different things in different stages of our life, different ages. But most of us don't evolve. Most of us still have sex like we did in high school. Most of us still have sex like we did, you know, before we got married. Or if you pay attention and you get curious about sex, you get curious about exploring, then the world opens up to you, so it's okay that you don't know right now. And I would talk to him in that way and say, hey, let's go on an adventure. Cause you still. You really like this guy, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Okay. So, Chelsea, I feel good about this. I think that you just, you know, we put so much pressure on ourselves that, like, you should come to the table and you should have a whole new plan. But how would you know? How would you know if you haven't explored yet and you've been having sex the same way, you know, with more kink. It's okay to not want kink anymore. To want a variation of kink. Yeah.

Yeah. I think the list is a great idea because it's like a good launching off point.

That's a great. It's a fun activity. Get a glass of wine, you know, whatever. Sit together, make a meal, and do the yes, no, maybe list, and then call me back. So if you're like, okay, well, we did this, but we want different things. Or, you know, we want the same things. Let me know how it goes.

Okay.

Just one step at a time.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, bye. Tulsi, thanks for calling. Appreciate you. Let's talk to Noah, 23 in North Carolina. Thanks for calling. What's going on? Talk to me.

Well, I guess I just don't really know where to Start. Exactly. I've been dating a girl for a little over a year now, and we're very much in love. Like, she loves my family, and we've really clicked. We talk about marriage often. We even basically have a date set that we know we want to get married and we live together. And I've always tried to be very open with communication about our sex life with her as far as, like, being adventurous and, like, wanting to find out what she likes and what she's into. But she's always been a little bit more closed off. And so I've just kind of tried some things, taken some guesses, and tried to, like, say, hey, you know, we can talk openly about this. Like, I want you to feel comfortable talking to me. And it just gets worse. Like now we're at the point where she's basically like, cut me off. Like, she seems to think that it's something that we both won't enjoy. And she. She doesn't even, like, make out with me. If I initiate it, she'll pull away. And otherwise she. She brings me gifts. She's so sweet to me. She clearly still loves me, but it's almost like I'm being friend zoned in my own relationship. And literally a few weeks ago, I even surprised her. I drove an hour both ways to get her her favorite sushi, and I surprised her with a candlelit dinner and a bottle of sake. And whenever I started to try to initiate something, she got really upset and left the room and got in her pajamas and just like. That was it.

No. God, you sound. You explained that really well. So let me just say thank you for that. And I totally get what you're going through here, and it sounds really, really frustrating. So would you say that you're one of her first sexual experiences, this relationship?

I don't think so. She's actually a bit older than me.

Okay.

Like 25.

And.

Yeah, yeah, that's.

I know it seems older when you're 23, but it's like in your 20s is the time where we hopefully start to explore ourselves. We have more time to figure out what we like. You know, maybe she's never really explored herself before or she doesn't really know how to talk about sex. Maybe she grew up in a home where it was shamed and it wasn't encouraged talk about sex. Maybe she doesn't know her own body yet. Unless you've been listening to my show for 10 years or you actively were seeking, you know, 15 years, you were seeking out sex information. I just think it's a sign of. She doesn't really know enough about sex. Does she have orgasms? Does she have pleasure? Does she masturbate?

I'm starting to question that. I've. I've gone down on her a few times, and she says that she really likes it, and she says that she never, like, had someone that was as good at it as me. She seems to enjoy. Enjoy it, but she still is, like, hesitant to let me do it. And she doesn't really seem to like it. Like, she doesn't seem to like clitoral stimulation a whole lot.

Okay.

So, yeah, I haven't really figured that out yet.

Well, you know, Noah, you're not. Well, listen, you're doing everything right, but I think we got to start with the communication aspect here. I'll bet that she just doesn't have.

A lot of experience with her own body.

I think we hear this every day from young women in their 20s who feel they don't want someone to go down on them. They feel like they're dirty or their partner won't really want to. They've never had an orgasm. They've never explored their body. Maybe they're holding on to something from childhood. Religious shame. Maybe she had trauma. I'm just throwing things out there. No, I don't know. So you're. You're doing everything, like, right? I'm sure you're being a wonderful boyfriend and. God, I mean, you got me sushi, I'd be in. But she. There's something going on with her. Is she on any medications? She, like, on antidepressants or birth control pill?

Not that I'm aware of. She's definitely not on birth control.

I'm.

I'm pretty sure she's not on any antidepressants either. She does seem to have, like, some insomnia, so she takes melatonin, but that's about okay.

Yeah, Melatonin's pretty safe, so.

No.

I don't know if you ever listened to this show before. A lot of couples listen together. Like, I think she just needs to start to hear the language of, like, it's totally okay to talk about sex. It is something that our pleasure is our birthright. We all deserve to be sexual beings and to explore ourselves, and it's okay to ask for what we want. And listen, I was having sex. I was 35. And then I realized that I was not enjoying it as much, and I wasn't having orgasms, and I was faking. And so she's pretty much where a lot of women are because you're thinking, well, I've been masturbating since I was. I don't know how long, Noah, 16 or 15. It's like you're like, what? She probably hasn't. I didn't masturbate till I was 25. I didn't even know about it. So what I'm hearing is that she loves you, she wants to be with you, she's doing really sweet things. But this whole thing, sex piece is sort of a really big unknown. It's like a big question mark over her head. A lot of us don't have accurate sex information. We weren't raised with sex ed. In schools, the only thing we learn from is porn or someone gossiping about something in high school. And then we think that's true. Like, guys don't really want to go down on you. Maybe she heard that once and thinks she's shameful. It's bad, it's wrong. I'm just kind of throwing out all the things, Noah, that you. But you probably need to unpack together. Like, I know you're asking her what she wants and what feels good, but I'm gonna guarantee that she doesn't know. Sex maybe just feels kind of raw. Cause if your brain isn't on board for sex, you could be doing all the right moves, Noah. You could be the best oral master ever. And if her brain is going, oh, no, does he want to be there? I'm not sure. Does it feel good? Does it not? She won't have an orgasm. She won't have pleasure because she can't let go, because her head is telling her something else. So that's what you gotta unpack there. So I think what I recommend always is taking this conversation outside the bedroom. Next time you're having a nice candle at dinner or, you know, tonight or whenever you want to, just say, I've really been thinking about this, you know, hey, I just want to kind of talk about our sex life. I noticed that. It seems to me it's getting you upset lately, and I would really like to, you know, help you figure out what's going on. And let's talk about it.

And I know you said you've said.

This before, but sometimes we need to say it a few times. If she's had 25 years of a different message about sexual. You bringing it up once or twice isn't going to get her on board. You want to be with somebody who knows what they don't know, who's like, I get it. You're right. I have Some shame around it. Let's work on it. But if she just keeps shutting you down the next six months when you keep trying to talk about it, then you have some more information. But I don't know what she's up to.

Yeah, absolutely.

I've tried to a few times, but she also will come up with excuses sometimes. Like, and. Or she'll just get upset. But I don't know what the best way to communicate with her is. Sometimes she'll say that she's depressed or that maybe it'll hurt when we have sex, or she just comes up with different things.

Try to offer solutions. I tried to get her to go to the doctor about it.

Okay. So does she have pain? She's not. She probably is having pain.

Yeah.

I've tried to. I've tried to encourage her to go to the doctor about it, but I have not had any success yet.

Has she told you she has pain?

She said she doesn't really know for sure. She wonders if she has a cyst or something. But she also has admitted that it might just be in her head. And she's also said that she thought that she's had hormonal imbalances before, but then the doctor said no, I'm not entirely convinced. And then sometimes she just says that, like she hasn't seen. She moved here from somewhere else. So she says she hasn't seen her friends and she's just upset about that. And that's why she doesn't want to be intimate with me. But then even less encouraging is the fact that we're planning on moving to an entirely different city in the next couple of years. So I don't see that getting better.

No. I would work on this with Noah. Yeah.

One other thing too. I think I misheard you. She's actually 31, so she is a little bit older than me.

Okay. And she's dated.

She dated someone that was much older than her at one point too. So I just. I don't know.

Huh. Do you know if she's ever had any trauma?

She may have. She hasn't been super open with me about that. I do know that she's had some abusive relationships in the past, so I. I wonder if something like that went down. But I don't really know how to approach that subject gently, I think.

Yeah. I mean, Noah, you sound really gentle and really loving, so I think. Just saying. I really care about you and I want to help you unpack this and you could even. She probably needs here to say it's not just Because I want to have more sex with you.

Which you do.

But you could say it's not that. It's not like I'm trying to get you to have sex with me right now. Even if we need to take a break for months while you figure this out, I'm fine with that. But you want to see her on the path. But also, 80% of women have pain at some point in their lives with sex. It could be the something called vaginismus where every time maybe it's a tampon or a penis or anything enters her that could be painful too. And then she needs to go to a pelvic floor physical therapist. It's just this conversation because you're 23 year old man. And you are right, Noah, to call in about this. Because there's a lot of important things in a relationship. But our sexual health and wellness is a pillar of our overall well being. And when our sex life isn't going well, it's hard to have the relationship go well. So this is going to take some unpacking and some listening. But I don't think it's that she doesn't like you. It sounds everything you're saying, it's like it's either pain or trauma or shame. And that's what you got to tell her that, you know, you're here to help her or she if she should go to therapy. Because everyone needs therapy at some point. I believe it really helps.

I believe you too. Well, thank you so much.

Of course, Noah. I'm here. Let me know how it goes, you know, like, because I will be here for you.

All right, well, thank you very much, Emily.

Have a great night. Thanks for calling. Appreciate you.

You too.

You guys, it is not easy to have these conversations. It could be religion, it could be pain. It could be a message you had growing up. Because I hear this every time. And I don't just Hear it from 23 year olds, I hear it from 50 year olds. I want to say it's more women I hear about, I hear from men who are with women and they say, my wife, I want to spice it up. It's been 20 years. But she won't talk about it. And it's sort of the same thing. Have you ever talked about it before? Does she have pain? Does she feel it's okay to ask for what she wants? Sex is a journey. It is not a destination. We don't just learn everything. Even if we had excellent sex ed and we knew all the stuff about pleasure and safety, we still would have to explore what we like. I mean, think about how you developed, like, your palate for foods you like. Like, you know, when you go into a restaurant, what kind of what. What flavors you're ordering, what food you like. Do you want pasta? Do you want pizza? Do you want chicken? Like, you know, maybe you never eat.

Chicken, so you're like, I will not have chicken.

But, you know, because of a lifetime of eating food, you figure out what you're into. Your sex life is exactly the same, and if you haven't tasted as many different flavors, you are not gonna know. And then on that, you put shame or you put trauma. You know her. You know, maybe she's afraid of hurting her partner's feelings. Maybe she's like, no, I don't wanna hurt your feelings. So if I tell you that I have pain, then you're gonna leave me. I mean, there's a lot of different things, but we have to clear out all these roadblocks to even getting to sex. That's what I'm saying. That no matter what age you are, I can't just say, well, download the yes, no, maybe list. Buy your partner a toy. You can't lead with that stuff. You got to clear the cobwebs of the communication. You got to get into it. You got to, like, there. And every relationship is going to have this. And the older you get and the longer you're with someone, it gets a lot harder to talk about your sex life. But I say start now.

Start tonight.

When we come back, we'll talk to.

Elizabeth, whose boyfriend keeps cheating on her.

Let's talk to Elizabeth, 27, in Connecticut. What's going on?

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Emily.

So essentially, I met my boyfriend last July. We met on Tinder, actually. And, you know, in the beginning, it was more of, like, a sexual relationship. And we were both comfortable with that because I just got out of a long relationship, so I didn't necessarily want anything that was, you know, too crazy. Things kind of progressed with him, and, you know, we did end up starting to date. And I believe it was, like, February. We went away together for this very romantic trip to Boston. And I come back home Monday morning.

I get a message on Facebook that's basically like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, my boyfriend. And I'm like, wait, what? You know, I was completely his picture.

She was talking about your boyfriend? Yeah, she called him my boyfriend.

Okay, got it.

Wow. Yeah. Okay.

So, yeah.

So, you know, long story short with that, we ended up, you know, breaking up for a while. This is when quarantine. Had first started. So he was by himself, I was by himself, just sulking in my thoughts. So, you know, after a few months, I kind of decided, you know, let me give him a chance to kind of rectify the situation and talk about it. Because I had also been in the same situation with my ex partner. Her and I were in that same kind of predicament towards the end of our relationship. So I understood and I empathize where he came from. And I knew if it were me, I would want a second chance. So, you know, we did all that. One of his really good friends, like I would say one of his best friends, had passed away in late August. So after we had gotten back together, we were living together at this point again. And, you know, his best friend had passed away. And I just noticed a big change in his, like, personality. And I noticed that he was starting to act very different. One night I just had the, you know, just the idea of something just didn't feel right. So I ended up going through his phone, which normally I don't ever do. I have no reason to do that unless, you know, there is an actual reason that presents itself. So I did. I found some stuff with a phone number with the area code that was actually from Connecticut, and he was from New Jersey. So I was like, this is really weird. So I confronted him about it. He ended up coming clean. So it was a girl that I actually went to high school with, surprisingly enough. And I guess they had met up and they slept together. And, you know, immediately after when I found out, it was. It was a big blowout. You know, we did have like a big argument about it. So fast forward to today. We are, I'm almost like, embarrassed to say it, but we are. We are still together. We've done a lot of talking. You know, being in quarantine together has forced us to really, like, reevaluate our relationship. What it is that both of us want, what it is we both need and what we want from each other. So we've had a lot of really good conversations. And I will say as a partner, he. He does want to do better. And I think he does want to rectify what he does, but he has this, like, this serial path. And I'm just wondering, like, is there a way for us to move on?

You know, what.

What do we do to, like, move forward? We talk all the time. We are very open with each other. We do have those great conversations where we're, you know, I'm, I believe, starting to build trust again.

But it's like, is it possible to, like, move forward?

You know, it's a great question. I mean, Elizabeth, I only think that people change if they want to change. So he can't just say, I'm not going to cheat again. He doesn't know why. He's got an impulse. It's probably intimacy issues. You get too close and he. It's hard for him. Like, he's. Is he your age as well? Is he also 27?

He's. He's 29, so he's a little bit older.

Yeah, he's a.

He's a long relationship type of guy. Usually I get sick of people after about six months or so. So for me to be with him for as long as I have, then, to me means that, you know, I do have these very strong feelings for him, but it's just for me, I don't know really, like, where to move forward with this situation, because it's like, I don't want to hold it against him. And I do truly believe that he does want to change because his actions since, you know, August have really, like, taken a big turn. It's a 180. You know, I do see that, and I do believe that. And, you know, I know actions speak louder than words, but like I said, we have all these conversations and he is there for me and he supports me and everything that I do, and he only lifts me up. Like, he only brings good into my life. Except for that one issue, you know, has happened twice now.

Does he tell you why it happened? Did he say.

With his ex girlfriend? I think they were just at a point where, you know, it was a long distance thing at that point because he was living in Connecticut for work. And that's actually like, you know, how we were able to meet on Tinder with the girl that I knew from, you know, my hometown, he says, and, you know, I hope to believe that it's, you know, the. Just the tragedy of losing a loved one because he's had a lot of loss in his life, and I think that he's just not dealing with it, and then it's leaking out into other parts of his life. For example, our relationship.

I mean, I don't think that you just rebuild trust because time goes by.

I think that.

I mean, I think you're very forgiving. I just think that there's usually something else. Do you guys want to get married? Do you want to be monogamous? Have you guys talked about what you both want?

Yeah, I mean, you know, we've had Very serious conversations about, you know, marriage and children and just where we want to go with our lives together.

It's not like this is, you know.

Just a little sling. We've been doing this for, you know, almost a year and a half now. Almost. Well, you know, almost going on two years now. And it's like we've gotten to that point. You know, he even says to me all the time, he's like, you know, I've told you things that I have literally never told another person before. And, you know, you. You obviously want to believe that that's true, but, you know, he's told me some very deep, intimate things that you don't just, like, share with anybody, you know?

Well, but I don't think that means that he's not going to cheat. I'm going to be honest. Just because he's telling you things, it's more like, does he. Does he fantasize about being with other people? Does he really think you're the last woman he's going to sleep with for the rest of his life? Is he the last man you're going to sleep with the rest of your life? Listen, there are statistics that show this. I am not making this up. That when someone starts a new relationship by cheating, they're going to cheat on you.

They're going to cheat on the next.

Part, the next part, the next part. Until they figure out maybe they just.

Don'T want to be monogamous.

Maybe there's someone who wants open relationship. Maybe he still has some stuff he wants to try out. I'm sure it's not about you. It was variety.

And he's.

You guys are in your 20s, and a lot of people just kind of want to, you know, we all. Maybe he wants his cake and eat it, too. He's like, well, I really like being with you. I don't know. But I can't guarantee, like, yeah, it sounds like it's been good for a few months, but it was good for a few months last time as well. And the fact that he's telling you deep into things doesn't mean that he's not going to cheat. When the impulse. When. When something happens, there's an impulse.

Right.

So that's what I'm telling you. If you really. I recommend couples therapy. I know you might think that's. You've been together a year and a half, but even just going a few times could be helpful. I'd have a hard time trusting right now.

Yeah. So we've had conversations about, you know, going to Therapy together. Unfortunately, both of us had lost our jobs during the pandemic, so it's kind of in a position where we don't have insurance to, you know, go to do those things. So we're stuck, you know, kind of at home just talking things out and, you know, just, you know, going day by day pretty much. You know, I have very strong feelings for him. And like I kind of said before, when it, when it hits that six month mark, I'm usually like, eh, I'm okay. You know, but with him, I do feel that strong connection and I do want this to be like my, my last relationship. And you know, he's expressed the same thing. It's just, you know, so hard to obviously know what the other person's thinking. You almost want like, you know, some way to read their mind, but obviously that's not possible.

Right, right. Well, there's just a little bit more like understanding, like doing some deep dive into like, what are your values? What does the future look like? What, what's your views around money? Do you both want kids? What kind of sex do you like having? Like check out our yes, no, maybe list@sexwithemily.com and download that. Like start having conversations about real things so you can start to figure out are we people that, who, who really could stay together and like the same are compatible, Right? Yeah. Are you compatible? I mean, I think that's what you got to figure out right now. Not just sharing things about your past. And it's great that he trusts you because you can make excuses. It's about the ex was already over and that this one was because his friend died. But I don't know, my friend died. I'd want to go towards the person that was giving me love and support.

I agree. I agree, I agree.

So I think these are all real concerns.

Yeah, I think he just needs to, he needs his own therapy. I think, you know, I have things that I want to work on myself. But in order for us to be happy together, I think we need to be happy separately, you know.

Well, that's true too.

Maybe you trying to juggle all that.

Yeah. And it's a lot. It's a lot. I think if you could definitely get some kind of therapy right now. I think it's always helpful to have therapy, especially your 20s or when you're not in like a huge crisis. It's a good time to go. Think of if there's a good book you guys could do together. Oh, that book is called Coming Together by Celeste and Danielle. It's a sex theory book coming together.

Okay.

And it's a really good book. It's about embracing your core desires, sexual fulfillment and long term compatibility. And it's a book about sex. I mean, it's mostly sex compatibility. But I'm going to be honest with you. You're probably going to find out some things about. I think that's actually where a lot of couples fall short because they haven't talked about sex. And then they get married and 20 years go by and they realize they don't even like the same kind of sex. So maybe do something like that.

Right.

Once a week, get together. All right. Thanks, Elizabeth.

Thank you so much for your help.

And just kind of talking me through it. I appreciate it.

Yeah, of course. Take that next step. Thanks for calling Miley22 in San Francisco. Hi, Miley, thanks for calling. What's going on?

Hi, Emily.

Hi.

I just had a couple questions about the drawbacks of anal. I was just wondering what the, like, if there were any negative consequences of.

It and if you had it too.

Frequently, what you should look out for anything you should keep an eye on when you're doing that sort of sex.

Great question, Miley. Great question. Because, yes, there's dangers to anal sex if you do it incorrectly. And that's why it gets such a bad rap for being so painful. And so if you just have no warmup and your partner just sticks it in, I assume. Are you with a penis? A man? Are you talking about for you?

Yeah.

Okay, so here's the thing, is that it's all about these few things that are the most important. The most important are that you're relaxed, that you're breathing, Miley, that you're already turned on. Maybe you've already had a clitoral orgasm. Maybe he's already gone down on you. You know, you're already like making out. Or maybe you're already even having sex, penetrative sex. And then you want to make sure that you are in a comfortable position, rolled over. And then you use a ton of lube. Like my best tips are like, use a lot of lube. I recommend a silic lube. Pure makes silicone lube. That's incredible. It's called pure analyze. Actually, it's an anal lube. You could also. He could also try with a finger first, make sure that his hands are clean and nails are trimmed and all those things. But he could also just start teasing you on the outside. But what happens is a lot of times like the anus is not self lubricating. So it could be dry when you stick something in. So you just gotta make sure that you do all the prep.

Okay. Yeah. Well, my follow up question was gonna be which lube do you recommend?

But thank you for covering that on the first round.

Of course.

Yeah, well, because it's all about lube. Miley, you're not allowed to have anal sex without lube.

I won't.

Okay, well, duly noted.

Okay, thank you.

Of course.

Let me know how it goes. Thanks for calling Miley.

Appreciate you. We're going to take a quick break, but stick around for my call with Hannah, who's looking to have a threesome.

We're going to talk to Hannah, 27 in Indiana. We're going to help you, girl. Hannah, what's up? Thanks for calling.

Hi.

Hi, Emily. I'm so nice to talk to you. So I have a question about threesomes and how to get that started with my husband. We've been married for four years and we've always like talked about a threesome as a fantasy. But we have two main concerns. One, we've only ever had sex with each other because we've only ever dated and been with each other. So we're kind of nervous about, I guess, having that sexual interaction with another person. And then two, we are parents. We have an almost one year old and I know it's, it's kind of. People don't really think of parents as like sexual beings even though they had to have sex to make the baby.

Yeah, being like, like engaging in that type of behavior I guess is look down on.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, well, we don't look down you, we celebrate you.

Hannah, you're, you are awesome.

You've been with your husband for a few years. You have a young child and you're still sexually curious and you guys want to expand your sexual repertoire. I think this is amazing. We all support you in this mission. So the first thing is you said that you have been together and you've talked about it. Have you sort of role played it or you talk dirty about it or has it just been, hey, maybe we should try this sometime.

How far along openly as like a fantasy? I've actually just started listening to your podcast within the last month or so. So we're starting to talk more of like dirty talking about it and kind of like experimenting that way and like making sure we both be like actually comfortable with the situation. So we've gotten that far. And then we've also like started to try to look on like apps and stuff, but we haven't really had a lot of success. I'm just getting a feel for what's out there, I guess.

Okay, so we can. Okay, so first off, that's great because I always say this is something that you. You want to go slow with a partner, you want to do, talk about it. What would it look like is the third? Who is the third? You know, what. What's the gender? What's the. What's off limits. You gotta set boundaries and stuff. And so. And then finding a third. Yeah, I mean, it would say that you guys are pretty. You know, you're moving along at a nice pace. We don't have to rush.

We're definitely not in a rush. That's just something that we've really recently, within the last year, started talking about more seriously. And I know it's a very common fantasy, too.

It is. I'd say it's the most common. And women, too, though, really, I think that men talk about it more. But if you really drill down, a lot of women have this fantasy as well. And then just let me say this about having a kid. I think that in our professions here, you know, we. I celebrate that I love, you know, that your parents and that you're also realizing how important it is to stay sexually healthy and to communicate. And I think that you get a babysitter for the night, you know, your parents would. Someone comes to watch the kids. So I don't look down on this at all. I think it's actually you're setting yourself up for. For success in the sex department.

That makes me feel better.

You just never know.

Yeah. No, I'm here for you, Hannah. So see how that goes. Kind of play with the dirty top the next few weeks. And thanks for calling into the show. I appreciate it. All right, Hannah, have a great night. Thank you so much for calling.

Corrine, 22 in D.C. has a question. Hi, Corrine.

What's going on? How can I help you?

Hey, Emily.

Hi. Okay. I just have a little teensy problem that's kind of big. So I've been talking to this guy for a couple of months. You know, we decided to do the do. He's not really good at the giving head situation. I don't know how to, like. I felt like I tried to direct him. I don't feel like he was still picking it up. I wonder how I could better probably teach him.

Great question, because this is important. Well, here's the thing, Corrine.

Here's the thing. He.

Is he your age as well? Is he 22.

He is 22.

Actually, 21, so.

Okay.

Yeah.

Does he want to please you? Like, do you think he wants to get good at it? Is he trying?

Yeah, he is trying.

Okay.

So that's good, because there's some guys who are like, nope, I'm not into it. It's not my thing. So we know he wants to try. Have you had good oral sex before?

So that's the thing. I haven't had a lot of it, no.

Right.

I was gonna tell you that. Most listen, and I don't want this to be an unpopular. I don't often just say things like this, but when you're 22, 21. He haven't had as much experience. It's a skill, and it takes different women and different experiences to kind of know what you're doing. And I don't think I had great oral ties, like, in my 30s. So, like, I'm just telling you that most people don't know. Every woman's body is a little bit different. But do you have orgasms on your own?

Do I have orgasms on my own?

Yeah.

Do you masturbate?

I do.

Okay, so you know what feels like?

I don't use any toys, but.

Oh, that's okay. You don't have to use toys. But do you have an orgasm? Have you had them?

I do, yes.

Oh, good.

Amazing. So do you, like, touch your clitoris? Do you rub yourself? Do you know what you do when you're touching, touching yourself?

Probably just a finger in, inside.

Okay, awesome. That's a good step. That's a good start. So the first thing that's important is just to go slow because I feel like a great, like, overall oral sex tip, if you're going down on a Volvo would be to get comfortable position and then just start to tease and.

Like, lick around the clitoris.

You know, maybe like, tease your thighs and not go right for the clitoris and start, like, you know, munching away.

At it and aggressively.

That I think for many women, it's a lighter touch and it's a buildup, and it's slow and it's sort of.

Like making out with your mouth, but.

They'Re sort of making out with your vulva, external part of your vagina. You could even show him what you do when you masturbate, like, how you touch yourself to bring yourself to orgasm. A hot thing to do is to have him watch, like, you do it. So you could also do mutual masturbation where you're both masturbating and getting yourselves off and then it's really hot to watch each other. And then also, you are learning, kind of. He's learning by watching you what you like.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, so that's a. That's a great thing to do, you know, And I think that it's experimenting and actually asking him, too, and saying, is it okay if I give you direction, like, when. When you're doing it, and you guys could sort of learn together?

Okay. Okay, Emily.

Yeah, let me check that out.

All right, Green. And now, so if you go to sex with only dot com, we've got a lot of great tips there for you, but I would start with some of those and just be patient with them. I love that he wants to try.

Right? No. Thank you so much.

Oh, my God.

You're so welcome.

Oral sex is an important skill that we all need to cultivate, I believe. All right, thanks, Karine. Great call. I think that's something that you want to get good at. You want to get good at paying it. And the thing is not like you just one day get a badge of honor that you're the best at oral. It's different with every partner. What I just mentioned is experimenting with different bodies. And so then when you're with someone new, you kind of know to pay attention to the way that they react when you touch them in different places.

You can look at their face.

You can kind of tell when they're.

Getting aroused and turned on. But you have to learn that by doing.

Let's talk to Carly, 20, in California. Hi, Carly.

Thanks for calling.

Hi, how are you?

I'm great.

I'm calling because me and my ex boyfriend have kind of been in the process of getting back together, but we live this long distance, so we've kind of been trying to figure out how that looks like. And just recently this week, we decided that it would be best if we did an open relationship. And this is after we had both actually been physical with other people the weekend before. So we kind of just thought this is probably what's best for us. And so I was kind of just hoping to get some advice on, like, how is the best way to go forward with an open relationship? It's my first time ever doing anything like this and kind of, like, how much weight should I be putting on stuff I'm doing with other people who aren't my boyfriend?

Well, yeah, Carly, it's a great question.

How long have you guys been together?

We dated for probably on and off, like, a year total. And then we broke up the beginning of the Summer and have been talking and kind of seeing each other more often since, like, August or September.

Okay, how long distance? He's moving out of town or you're moving?

Yeah, we're about six hours apart.

So here's the thing about open relationships.

It takes a lot of communication and a lot of boundary setting. And most couples learn on the job sometimes, like, oh, well, that made me jealous. I didn't want to hear about this hookup or that hookup. So you have to learn. You have to be really great communicators. So your question is, how much did you emphasize the other person? I mean, I think you mean how much time should you give another person.

If he's your primary partner?

That's what we call.

Okay, time. How much?

Yeah, how much of, like, my emotional time and, like, stuff like that, too? Should I be, like, putting on other things I'm doing with other people?

Well, I think it's a case by case basis. I don't know. How long are you guys going to be living in separate cities for? Like, do you know that eventually you'll be in the same place again?

It's kind of indefinite because I'm still.

In school and he's.

Okay. So, Carly, what is it about an open relationship that's appealing to you? Because my thing is, like, you're 20, you're in college. Like, that's such a good time to explore and be with other people without having to put strict boundaries on it. Like, you may meet someone and sleep with them a few times. Be like, oh, wow, I'm catching feelings. Like, I kind of feel that this could be something. But then you got to restrain it because at your age, you know what I mean? Like, it's just. It's harder to maintain these kind of relationships, I think, and maybe not always worth it because, I mean, are you looking to get married and settle down, have kids in the next year?

No.

Okay.

Definitely not.

There's something about being your age and you're in college and you're meeting people. We change so much in our 20s that I would say this is a good opportunity for you to experiment, be with other people. And maybe it's not open as much as it is. Just when he comes to town, you see each other, but then you're spending all your time on the phone, you're FaceTiming all day, you're texting back and forth, and then you're not getting to be present and be with your friends and meet other people. College is a precious time for that.

That.

That's True.

Yeah, you're right.

So that's what I think. Like, if you were my niece or something, which you could be, I'd be like. That's what I would tell you. I would be like. And I would tell myself I had a long distance relationship my sophomore, my freshman year of college. I still go back on that and I don't have a lot of grits. Like, I love the relationship. He was great. But I remember being so preoccupied with, like, every other weekend I go to his college, he'd go to mine. And I thought, I wish I just kind of stayed put and really got to be with my people and. Because it just doesn't last. Like, if I could never be with someone I was with when I was 25, I'm a different person, so. Or 20. That's my advice for you, Carly. It's a lot of work being in a. Unless it could be totally open and flexible, like without a label. Like, you're gonna see them and he'll agree to, like, well, let's just kind of be loose about this. You won't have strict rules around it. But if when we see each other, it's meant to be and we feel good, we'll hook up.

Yeah.

Just.

Okay.

That's my advice. Okay.

Thank you so much.

Of course, Carly. Have a great night. Thanks for calling.

You too. Yeah.

Okay, thank you.

Bye.

Bye.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sex with with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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