Best Of: Sexually Fit w/ Mind Pump

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Question?

Yes.

What's been your experience with vibrators in the bedroom?

Oh, I started great right out the gates.

You can put it on your penis and it can actually work for a man as well, right?

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the the conversation around sex. On today's throwback show, I'm joined by Sal, Adam and Justin from the Mind Pump Health and Wellness Show. We discuss how your mindset can get you into the best shape, common misconceptions about fitness training and testosterone, ways to naturally boost your libido, and the difference between self image and body image. Plus, we explore how your physical health impacts your sex life. And the guys dive into the fascinating relationship between libido and physical activity. Trust me when I say the bedroom and the weight room are more connected than you think. I also answer your questions about how to confidently have sex on top, what it means if you feel physically off after masturbating, and why we should send some love to an often overlooked erogenous zone. All right, Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I wanna start off by setting an intention for the show. I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you wan get out of the episode? My intention is to bring on some experts who really know what they're talking about when it comes to your physical body. And I want to show you how little changes can have huge impacts on your sex life and all of your relationships. Oh, remember, rate the podcast. We have a new article on the site@sexwithemily.com the five best ways to have sex outside. And if you have a question, call my brand new hotline, 559-talk-SEX or 559-82557. Leave me your questions or message me at sex with emily.com Ask Emily. Okay, everyone, enjoy this episode.

My guests today are from Mind Pump Media. It's an online radio show podcast that's dedicated to providing truthful fitness and health information. It's sometimes raw, shocking, and always entertaining. The hosts are Sal D. Stefano, Adam Schaefer, and Justin Andrews. They have over 50 years of combined fitness experience as personal trainers, club managers, fitness competitors, and fitness thought leaders. I love these guys. And Sal has a new book, the resistance Training Revolution. The no cardio way to burn fat and age. Proof your body in only 60 minutes a week. Find out more about them at mindpupmedia.com and check out their free programs so I can first introduce you guys. So I was talking to Adam Schaefer.

Justin, Justin Andrews, Sal, Sal Destefano all.

Started out as trainers, right?

So I've been in Fitness for 20 years and these guys for over. And we actually met right before we started the show. But we all worked. We all started in the same company. We all started at 24 Hour Fitness managing health clubs. But if you've been training people for as long as we have, you start to learn that the most important part about helping people become successful is that vulnerability, that psychological aspect of that relationship building, helping people change their behaviors. It's not about eat this diet and do this workout as much as it is how can I communicate what I know and how can I communicate it effectively and how can I get you to change your behaviors in fundamental ways? And usually that means one small step at a time. And it also means being empathetic and vulnerable.

The industry spends so much time focusing on like supplements and the quick 30 day fix and the magic pill. And, you know, and what I realized was none of that stuff really mattered. Like, none of my clients that did actually see incredible results. That wasn't the reason why. Because they took some supplement I gave them or I gave them some miracle diet. It was the people that you were able to connect with on a more psychological level and break through that piece. And what I started to realize is they weren't that much different than all of us in this room, which, you know, we were driven by insecurities. Most of us that go to the gym, we go to the gym because there's something about ourselves that we don't like, you know, or we feel. I was a skinny guy who couldn't build muscle. And so that was what drove me to the gym personally. When I started to look into the psychological piece and digging deeper into people's why, like, why are you here? And first addressing that and trying to help them uncover that first. Then I started to see them get real success and long term success. It wasn't faster. It took longer of a process.

Real change always takes a lot longer.

It does. That's amazing. I love that.

I think all of us were very similar that way.

Very similar. I remember for me, it was learning. People will come to you and say, I want to lose weight. I want to lose 30 pounds. And you ask them a why? And ultimately at the end they say, well, so I can be happy. And, you know, at one point I realized.

The order is reversed. It's not lose weight and get happy, it's you get happy and then you lose the weight. And when I figured that out, I actually figured it out for myself. Like Adam was saying, I was very motivated, I was very insecure. Growing up, I was very skinny. The bigger I got, the more muscular I became, the worse I treated my body. And then I had my son, and I have two kids now, but my son was born and he's like the spinning image of me. He's exactly like I am and all good and bad, right? Not athletic, skinny kid, just like I was. And I was sitting there looking at him one day playing as a young boy, and I was thinking, gosh, I love this kid more than anything. And then, right then and there, at the time, my wife said to me, go, he's just like you, you know, he's just like you. And it dawned on me, how come I can love him the way I do, but I can't love me, you know, in that same way. And it was in that moment I realized, like, okay, I. I need to come at this completely differently. The motivation behind what I Do can't be motivated by hate. It can't be motivated by self hate or self disgust. It has to be motivated by self love if I'm going to want to truly find fulfillment in what I'm doing and maintain this forever. And that's really the secret behind a long life and health and fitness. It really, really is. If you go to the gym because you want to take care of yourself, if you eat because you want to take care of yourself, the decisions that you tend to make tend to be the better ones versus I hate myself. And what happens when you hate yourself? Well, you treat your workouts like a punishment. So I'm gonna be going to the gym, I'm gonna beat the crap out of myself because I hate myself. You treat food like a punishment and at some point you rebel because who can hate themselves all the time? At some point you start to rebel. And what does that rebellion look like? It looks like on the wagon, off the wagon. I'm either on a strict diet and I'm working out real hard or. Or I'm not working out and I'm eating all kinds of crap or whatever.

So when you looked at your kid that day, Sal, and you were like, okay, I'm gonna start here. Obviously that wasn't in a day that you were like, I love myself unconditionally. But what were some of the things that you switched that you really could come a place of love and not.

Hate, you know, because I had my child. And a lot of parents will tell you about when they. When you have a child, you feel this unconditional love kind of for the first time. And so I started trying to reflect that onto myself. So when I would start to get into those. Those spirals of hating myself, or I gotta go to the gym, I don't look good enough, or why did I eat that? Whatever. Then I'd start thinking of my son and how I loved him and how I'd want to take care of him. And then I'd start to reflect that on myself. And it actually was a pretty quick rapid. Yeah, it was actually painful, but rapid painful because you start to reveal to yourself and start to become honest with yourself with your practices, but also fast and also fulfilling because you made those. I started to make those changes.

Wow.

And it's funny because it wasn't. I wasn't even really paying attention to my appearance because at that point I kind of shut that off. And it was about six, maybe seven months later, I started getting compliments and I started really paying attention. I Was like, whoa, wait a minute. And I looked at pictures and I said, I look better than I did before. And I'm not even focused on the aesthetic aspect. I'm just trying to take care of myself in a real sense. And I'm just focusing on health. And that's when all the life holistic too.

Right? You're probably working on your mind, your body, what you were eating.

I mean, really listening to my body.

My biggest challenge and I work on this still is like negative self talk, like, you fucked that up, Emily, or why'd you do that? And I don't know where that comes from. It's been there, but yet I'm so. I'm a very positive, open person. But for me, I don't give that same self love. We crave it, but we're just. I don't know, we're not great at giving it to ourselves.

It's an interesting twist on it, I think, if you. In regards to fitness, because we have body image, right? So you can have an objective body image. You can look in the mirror and say, okay, my body right now is reflecting poor health. I haven't been making the right decisions. I'm either little overweight or I have poor posture or I look tired. And that's okay. You can be objective about your body image, but you don't want to confuse that with your. With your self image.

Right.

Those are two completely different things. What's that saying, like, you're not fat, you have fat. Right?

Right.

It's that understanding and the irony of all this. I think a lot of people are afraid of letting that go because they think. And I know I've worked with clients. They're like, well, if I'm not mad at myself and if I don't hate myself, then I'm just going to eat whatever I want and I'm going to stop working out. That's not true at all. It's the exact opposite.

Exactly.

You literally start to take care of yourself like somebody you care about. And the decisions you make when you're in that state of mind are always often better than the ones you make when you hate yourself. Because how do you treat things that you hate? You don't treat them very well at all.

Exactly. It's so true. We think that we have to beat ourselves up and be really hard on ourselves or no progress will happen. And which is what you're saying is not true. We can actually do it from a place of love. So how. What have you guys found? You work with mostly men Women, kind of everybody now.

Yeah, everybody.

Yeah.

Is there anything universal that you'd hear maybe about their, their sex life or dating or love? Yeah, I'd love to know.

Very, very common to get. And I don't think I even put this together until I got into my mid-30s, but to get a mid-30 and above male, it's really, really common to hear. Low libido.

Yes.

Low sex drive, not a lot of sex. Yeah, yeah, Very, very common.

It's like that whole myth that it's women.

Yeah.

Okay.

And when I was a, when I was a young 20 year trainer, I used to always think to myself, like, oh, man, that sucks to be. Sucks to be him. Like, I'll never be like that because I work out and I eat well. And I actually went through that in my 30s. I felt the same thing. And, you know, I didn't realize that how much the stress and the work and all that could affect my libido. And so it was one of the best things that I ever went through because it gave me this different perspective now and a bet made me a better coach. Because before I was always speaking to nutrition and exercise, which is extremely important when talking about, you know, hormones and men and testosterone and their libido. But I also realized how important, like, you know, learning to either meditate or take time for yourself and have balance in your life can really affect that also.

Yes, Yes.

I would have to say that the lack of activity, if you were to look at, or lack of proper activity, if you were to look generally at the male population, is probably one of the top contributors to low libido or low testosterone. In particular. I know that testosterone levels have been declining now for a few decades in men when they test them. And one of the single most effective things a man can do to raise his natural testosterone, and this is true for women as well, in terms of balancing out the ratio of estrogen to progesterone, is resistance training, not just exercise and activity, but specifically. Yeah, specifically weight training.

Okay.

Yeah. Because resistance training, well, in fact, cardio.

And other types could be worse, may actually be negative.

Right. Because we tend to overdo cardio. I mean, you can overdo any type of exercise, but proper resistance training, in order for your body to become stronger and build muscle, if you're doing it right and you're measuring progress based off of your performance in the gym. So am I stronger? Are my muscles more conditioned? Am I building any muscle? In order for that to happen, there has to be this, this ideal anabolic environment. So this ideal ratio of things like testosterone, growth hormone and then a women estrogen and progesterone. And when your body's in that state where it wants to build muscle, metabolism speeds up. So for women, what does that mean? When your metabolism speeds up means okay, now I can feed myself more. My body literally can be more fertile. In fact, when you. Many times I've had women who over dieted and over trained who lost their periods. Then they'd come and do traditional resistance training. We do what's called a reverse diet where we slowly increase their calories. Then they would start to get their period back and see hormones balance out.

There's such information. Yeah.

And the same thing with men. I would have them lift weights many times I'd increase their healthy fat, decrease their processed carbohydrate intake, give them better sleep and within months you would see testosterone levels, structure. And I know this through tests. I would have never heard of that.

No. That's amazing. I feel like hormones are so misunderstood and it really is a contributing factor to so many things, to moods, fertility. It's hard to test. And I think that we were fed so much. I know that I. In the 90s, it was the whole. I feel like I did get screwed by the food pyramid. It was like grains and all that stuff, the low fat and the. I did all of that. I was like, no, it's so stupid. And I did, I was really. I was a marathon runner and I was like, it's good.

Low fat. And marathon training is an ideal way to destroy your hormones to just, just throw, throw the balance out and cause all the side effects of having.

Right. Which people think it can show up as like anxiety, depression, all these things, you know. And this is why so many people are over medicated. They're taking antidepressants or anxiety or other pills and a lot of it could be controlled with health, diet and sleep. Which is why I love that you guys cover all of that. Is there anything in particular? So for men you're resistant training and for women resistance. What about foods? Like what do you. It's so hard because there's so many different. There's so much different information out there.

Yeah, well, there's a lot of variables. Right. There's. And every person. Yeah. Going to be uniquely different.

There's like. Right.

But I would say there's, there's some general truths that we, we tend to run in and I think because of the, you know, from 1980 to whatever it was where we were on the low fat thing, everything was low fat. So I think that was one of the biggest ones that I had to switch up as a trainer because I was a part of that. I mean, I, I had, I subscribed to the non fat milk and did all that stuff in my, in my early 20s, chicken breasts, right. Low fat. So I think, and, and also to get, to get in shape, you push real hard on cardio and do those things. So I think even though there's going to be individual variances, I do think that's a good general truth that most people that struggle with this, a good place to look is, are you getting enough healthy fats? And back to Sal's strength training. Like, so when in my early 20s, I messed around with anabolic steroids a handful of times, didn't do the right protocol afterwards, and forever kind of up my sex drive. And I didn't really notice it until I got into my 30s. And when I turned 30, I went and got tested and I was below normal. And so they put me on trt and I was on that for, you know, it's now, what am I, 36, so almost six years. And I'm on nine months now of no hormone therapy. And I've been doing everything I can to naturally kick it up. And so I'm definitely like really, really low because things I did. And even if you're just low from stress and other things, I can tell you that, you know, and I'm very careful about how I add things into my diet or I add certain regimens that are new, like, okay. Or a new tool. For example, like infrared, like a juve light. Like I've used that. I've done the sauna stuff, I've done meditation, I've done the blue blockers before night so I get better sleep. Like out of all the things that I've done there, there's nothing more powerful than when I go into like a heavy squat or a lift day and then I feel what I feel like afterwards. And if I don't train for four or five days in a row and I can feel a dip big time.

The squat, because the power of the.

Just because it's a big gross motor movement.

Yeah, gross motor movement, meaning you're using a lot of your body, so your.

Whole body contributes to that exercise. Okay, Now I share that because one of the hardest things for me to do, it was extremely hard to even get up to go exercise. Like, if any male, any male that's.

Listening that's gonna say, yeah, what's the motivation? Like, I Just hate exercise.

The only luck I knew I needed to, like, I knew, I knew this, the things that I needed to do in order to, to get this back naturally and if I had any chance whatsoever that I would have to get in there and do that. So when I'd get in there, I just did not have the same motivation I did when I was competing and when I was training clients. And so it was like I got to get in here and do at least two or three things that are going to help me. And that was that. Like Sal was just saying, the squatting, the deadlifting, those. I just do five, six sets of that.

Okay, Is this true for women too, or is it more men?

Absolutely.

I need to get back into the channel. Absolutely.

And I think that's, that's part of what' wrong with this industry is that we over complicate some things. Like, and we make it sound like, oh, then you got to do this special exercise and follow this regimen and do this and do that. It's like there, just get in there. If you haven't been training for a really long time, like, get in there and work on squatting. Like literally just that. There's especially a lot of misinformation with women having lifting in general, like not just doing a ton of reps because all you see like in infomercials is like women doing a ton of reps.

And.

So, yeah, we're always trying to stress the fact that like, if you can hire a coach or if you can hire somebody that knows what they're doing and really like learn this as a skill, it's going to last you so much longer. It's going to be so much more effective for you to learn how to like properly back load squat and do deadlifts and things like that that are going to have way more effect on your body that you've never experienced before.

That's really good. So what if people don't have like access to a gym or a trainer, but they want to work out? I have people, listeners all over the world, like, where, where do you even start? Or that's one part of the question. The other is like, what the people are just like, I hate working out. I'll never do it. It's a, it's a have to go. But I don't like it. Like, do you think you can switch those people?

Yes, most people are like that. And it's kind of like the nutrition thing too is you have to first start to make a different connection with what you're doing. And, and I think part of the reason why we eat bad food and we love these things is because we've learned to numb ourselves with food. And we don't really make the connection of like how our body feels post eating that meal and the next day.

And the day after, just about the taste.

And the same thing goes for eating healthy food. Like, you know, and some people that have been on a diet for a while and ate really well, they kind of make the connection like oh I feel so good, but then it's short lived and then they go and they indulge and they forget all about it. So like when we talk to clients about exercise and training, you know, we, we try not to talk about the weight loss, the weight gain and the aesthetics, so healthy. And talk more about like how you feel. Like so instead of us getting on a scale and measuring you up or down and stuff like that, I'm asking questions on your sex drive and how are you sleeping and how are your relationships and your energy level and how's work been for you and how are you getting up in the morning and how you falling asleep and like when you start to help them feel, make those connections because I guarantee you that once you start exercising all those things, they start getting better. And when you start making the mental connection that all those things make work, you perform better, make your bedroom better, make your relationships better. Then you start looking at exercise instead of this daunting task that I need to do to counter this bad eating or to get rid of this body fat, and you start looking at it like when I do this, I'm a better version of myself, right?

I'm happier.

And when you can make that connection, then the whole gym process is not that daunting. But you first need to make that connection of all the positive benefits that you're getting from it.

We're gonna take a quick break, but we come back, we're gonna answer listeners questions together, get ready, because they've got some good advice for the bedroom too.

So are there any misconceptions about working out?

It doesn't need to be so crazy either. Like that's another thing that's a big one.

Like don't, you don't have to go beat the crap out of yourself. When you go to the gym, you want to do the minimum effective dose. That's always the best prescription, the minimum effective dose. And if you're a beginner, if you're new, if you haven't worked out in a while, it doesn't take that much it doesn't. And the reason why the body changes when you exercise is because it's adapting to a stress. So it's really no different than getting a tan from going out in the sun. If you've been in your basement for the last five years, how much sunlight are you going to need to see before your skin reacts and starts to get darker? And how much sun do you need to see before you get a sunburn? See what I'm saying? Same thing when you exercise. And back to Adam's point about making those connections, I'll give you a great example when it comes to food, because a lot of times when we eat food, we think of the food based off of one main signal, which is the taste. How does this taste? How does it make me feel right now? And that's one signal. But there's a lot of signals that can be attached to food. I had a client who. She had one of the worst diets I'd ever seen in my life. She didn't drink water. All she had was Diet Coke all day. And little by little, I would have her change her things to her diet. And one of the things that I wanted to change was I wanted her to eat more vegetables, but she absolutely hated them. She hated the taste of the vegetables. They made her gag. So I taught her, okay, let's start with the vegetable you can tolerate the most, which was broccoli. I said, have a little bit of broccoli. What I want you to do is I want you to pay attention how you feel before, during, and after, and then the next day. And so, little by little, she started noticing my digestion is better, my skin is better. I have more energy. And little by little, because she was making those positive associations, what do you think started to happen? She started to crave the broccoli. She started to want to eat that broccoli. Food manufacturers have known this for a very long time. They're constantly trying to make these associations for you. And it's not just the taste of the food. I mean, look at the commercials, right? You're drinking beer, and it's got hot chicks around you, and you're. Whatever. It actually works. And you can do that to yourself. And you do that with exercise. You do it with nutrition. And part of it is, look, when I go to the gym, am I going here because I hate myself? That's a negative association. Of course I'm gonna hate going to the gym. But how about if I go to the gym? Like, I want to take care of Myself, today I'm go to the gym and just, I'm gonna feel good. Well, now I'm enjoying the process. And when you enjoy the process, then it really doesn't matter the goal. Who cares about the goal? I'm enjoying the process.

Right. What are some changes that you've seen from people's self confidence, body image and how it relates to their sex lives after adopting a healthier lifestyle? Oh, I mean, like before after story is my favorite.

I would always get this same comment. About two to three months into our training, especially with the ladies I would train, they come in and they'd look at me and then, you know, I'd always ask them, like, how are you feeling? Like what, what changes are you noticing? I'm feeling hot. Yeah. And they'd be, you know, they'd say something like.

So I feel more like energetic. Like, so you just have more energy. You wake up in the morning. No, no. Vibrant. Yeah.

More.

I'd be like, is your libido higher? Yes, my libido is much higher. Is that normal? Absolutely normal. Always. Every single time. They would have an increase in libido. And I think.

There'S multi pronged reason as to why their libido would be healthier. One, your body's healthier. Obviously a healthy body is going to have a more natural, healthy sex response to the balancing of the hormones. Also, I think resistance training in particular has this incredible power of sculpting and shaping the body. So you start to feel tight and firm and, you know, versus just getting skinny.

Right.

You feel more firm and you start to feel more confident with your body. And then for the ladies that I would train, one of the comments that I was quite common was that they felt more empowered. I guess strong is very empowering to be strong, but especially if you're a woman and you feel like you're either not supposed to be strong or you've never really felt strong. Now they felt more confident they could lift things.

You also start to stand upright. It's crazy what it does for your posture. Like all of a sudden you and I, and I, of course, I have all the same stories as Sal does with clients. I mean, 100 across the board. It's, it's rare that you get a client who hasn't been training for a long time that you get into exercise and they can't because libido always goes up.

Always.

Yeah, I noticed. Like, I think for, for me, I thought it was crazy that, you know, I'm a fitness guy and even when I'M you know, quote unquote, out of shape. I'm still in better shape than the average person, but I even noticed my own personal habits. And. And Katrina was the one to really call me out on this is, you know, we'd go in these little vacations for a while, and I kind of fall off a tiny bit. And then the next thing you notice is I start, you know, waiting till right before bed before I take my shirt off. I turn the lights off, and then I get naked and stuff like that. And then I'm the total opposite. When I'm feeling right, like, walking around.

Naked, she's like, honey, the neighbors. Yeah.

Windows open, walking around the whole house, brushing my teeth all morning long.

It's.

And so when I. When I see that in myself, with just the little bit of change in my physique and training, that it affects me that much, I can only imagine that my clients who have, you know, are really, really out of shape. How insecure they have to feel about their bodies, which then in turn reflects their confidence with their partner and then. Which in turn then probably affects their. Their sex with their partner. So I know it's night and day difference when. When I exercise.

I mean, I know that's true too. For I'm in shape. I'm out of shape. Taking my shirt off a little later things or my clothes. I mean, there's so many things that contribute to people not wanting to have sex. So I love what you guys are saying here. I think this is gonna be super inspiring. Now, do you guys wanna help me? I would love if you would help me give some advice to listeners.

Absolutely.

Send emails.

Let's do it.

Help them.

Okay, I see how you did that. We're gonna do some of your work right now.

You are gonna do some of my work, Damn it. And then I want to do a workout. Bringing vibrators into the bedroom. You guys have experience with toys?

Yes.

All right. Awesome. This is from Lauren, 20 in New Jersey. Hi, Emily. I know that women are constantly asking you how they can orgasm with their partner, but it's truly a problem for me. I can only orgasm by myself and with my vibrator. I've been dating a guy for about 10 months, and I'm trying really hard to integrate the vibrator into the bedroom. We're also part time, long distance, because I'm in college, six hours away. He told me that the vibrator physically makes him feel uncomfortable when we are having sex and it is pressing against my clitoris. I would love to Be able to experience an orgasm with him. And any advice would be great. Thank you so much. I love what you're doing with this podcast.

Reverse cowboy with the vibrator on.

Oh, my God, that's so good. I was gonna say doggy style.

That's what I was gonna say.

You're right, though. Reverse cowgirl, meaning like, he's laying back on his back and then you turn it around.

It's like woman on top so she can use it.

He doesn't have to see. He doesn't have to see it.

I don't need a job with you guys done. But you're right, that's a great call. Or, yeah, I was thinking doggy style, but also just hold in a way that's more comfortable for him, too. And I think also you could try to use it to orgasm before you start. I think that a lot of women and men, we get set in certain ways around sex. So it's like, okay, I can only have orgasm this particular way or I can never. Since I've never had an internal orgasm, I never will. And it takes practice. Just like training. There has to be sex training. Yeah, you get in your mind and you link it up. So I thought that, too, until I started the show and I started doing my homework before my brief period of no masturbation. I really was like, okay, I want to do all the things I'm telling people and figure out my body. And I had never had an orgasm internally. I'd never had one without a vibrator for so long. And I was like, I retrained my body and I was like, I figured it out. And then when I was with a partner, I was like, this is how I need to move. And I showed them. And it's not a quick fix. It's not going to happen once, but just to keep going and working on yourself. I was talking to a woman last night at a dinner party. She's like, I can only have it. You know, I used to be able to without a vibrator. And I just think it's like everything else. It's not like your body becomes. You can't no longer have it with your fingers. Try it. Like, just start out without a vibrator and see where it goes, because you could just find all these other delicious things.

Well, it's a little more discreet for him, too, that way.

Exactly. But I'm not saying it's a. There's quieter vibrators as well. There's a lot of different things you could try. But I Love the idea of doggy style and reverse cowgirl. And question.

Yes.

What's been your experience with vibrators in the bedroom?

Oh, I started great. Right out the gates.

You can put it on your penis and it can actually work for a man as well. But you have to be very sensitive in order.

Yeah, usually it's the. The lower settings for a man, but also, I was gonna say to her, thank you for saying this, Lauren. Maybe on his shaft or his balls, tickling it at a lighter setting on the vibrator. Not like the women want, but the. He might like that as well. Here's Another question from Vincent, 34, in Georgia. Hey, Emily. I have an uncircumcised penis, and women tend to look at it funny when I pull it out. One girl even asked, why does it look like that? At times it made me insecure because I told one girl at work and she told her friends, and they find it mysterious, not sexy. So my question is, do I need to get it cut or is it okay like this? I pull back the skin wash daily, plus I use coconut oil to keep the foreskin from drying out. So I just want to say, Vincent, there's nothing wrong with you in having a circumcised penis. In fact, 77% of males in the U.S. are circumcised, but only 30 to 37% of men globally are circumcised. And like, in the U.S. it's not as common. And the women you are sleeping with might not be as used to it, but, like, you just have to show them how you like it touched, you know, with. With confidence. I understand that you can just take one or two women criticizing your sexual performance or your penis, and you might be done for life. And so I don't want this to happen to you at all, Vincent. So the thing about it, though, you do have more nerve endings when there's a foreskin. As long as you take care of it, you're gonna be fine with it. So I think just women are cool. Like, I feel.

Do you think it's much different than, like, a guy with a smaller penis or one that hangs to the leg?

The same kind of insecurity, it's the same kind of challenges that men have around their penis.

You gotta address the elephant in the room, so to speak.

Exactly.

And Justin has weird penis, so he's been dealing with that for a really long time. Curves really far.

Yeah, right.

Like, no, but. Right. But that's kind of cool. I think it could have some good access. Yeah. Curvy penis. I think there's a different angles, but I can understand that. Really. We're talking about self confidence and body image, hair, which I think a lot of men are challenged around this. But keep going. Don't get. Please, Vincent, do not get it cut. If you go down this road and you forget what I said, email me again. Get in touch with the show. You are fine. Learn to rock it. Learn to masturbate it. Figure out all those things, nerve endings. And you show women, if they ever look at it sideways or in a weird way, just be like, let me show you what it can do. So thanks, guys. This was fun. Okay. Anything else? I really enjoyed this. I think that it's very inspiring for my listeners.

No, thank you for having us on. Yeah, definitely. It's a nice change of pace.

Yeah, I know. I say we could answer sex questions.

Yeah, this is a lot more fun we're gonna have. Yeah. Thank you guys for being here.

Oh, I would like to say this for your audience. If they want to get started on some good fitness information and they don't want to have to purchase anything just to kind of, you know. Yeah, we have a YouTube channel, lots of free information on it. We also have a free 30 day workout on there so they don't have to pay anything.

Oh, I love it.

It's Mind Pump tv. They can go on there and then just watch some of our videos and try things out. And then later on, if they want to get one of our programs.

Oh, that's awesome. Okay, I want to do that. Yeah, I don't know that. Okay, check that out, you guys. In their Instagram, it's Mind Pump Media and all their other Instagrams, you can check out their Twitter, it's Mind Pump and mindpump media dot com. After the break, I'm answering your questions, like, how do I get over the fear of being on top during sex? Be right back.

I'm getting so many good questions from you through our Instagram at Sex with Emily. Here's one from an anonymous female. She's wondering how to get over the fear of getting on top due to being insecure and also married. How do I rock woman on top? Honestly, the best way to do it is to find something that makes you feel sexy in bed. Right. Because I'm going to assume that maybe you don't want to get on top because you feel like, oh, I can see my whole body and I can move. So maybe you're wearing something that like just makes you feel great. And then when you're ready. You just kind of. You roll. You get on top, and you just start moving your body, and you start just, like, feeling into your body. So what happens is when you say you don't have the confidence, that tells me that you're in your head during sex, which is like, really, like, 99% of the challenges we hear from people is like, I'm so in my head during sex. And so if you can learn to be really mindful to going into that bedroom, you are wearing something sexy. And then when you get on top, if your brain starts going, you look awful or you don't know what you're doing, you go back to. And this is a practice. I am moving right now. I feel my clitoris on the. On my partner's body. I feel the. I feel my legs against his side. I feel our skin touching skin. And the more that you go back to the present moment, I am hearing the music. I'm smelling the candle that we lit. I am feeling our body. That locks you into the present moment. Because when you do that and you focus on breathing and being present, you can't be in your head worrying about how it looks with you being on top. You just can't. It's impossible to be present and be in your head. Tripping about something doesn't work like that. And this is a practice. It's a lifelong practice. So also remember, it's your husband. He loves you. He's not leaving you because of the way you rocked woman on top. So for me, for you, it's more about getting over this hump and practicing. I'm all for practicing, too. When you're alone, masturbating, when you're in the shower, moving in your body. I think we forget to move, especially as women like this S curve, our pelvic floor. We get tight, we tense, we clench. We like. Oh, we hold so much tension there. So maybe doing some exercises or some stretching, looking in the mirror, dancing, feeling sexy, and getting your body to move in a way that will feel comfortable. Because if you been stiff all day, you work. You know, you're not working out. You've been sitting at work, you're in a chair. And then you get home, you try to get on top, your body might still be in that uncomfortable position. Which is why I love to, like, try to exercise or stretch every day or go home and meditate, like, to separate work between work and home and just, like, get yourself into the mindset when you feel free. I feel like I've. It's Been a long time since I haven't been confident with sex. But, yeah, I mean, you talk about it all the time. It's your job. You've learned all the things. But I know there have been times where I'm just like, Well, I know before I started the show, I was like, what can I do that looks? How can I move that? He will think is sexy. Did he have an orgasm? I didn't. I cared less about mine. But once I started to realize that, like, confidence is the sexiest thing you can bring into the bedroom for me and my partner, then I really just started working on that, and it. All the rest of it fades away, and I'm older now, and I might not look the same. I don't even think about those things, and I don't even think about what they're thinking, to be honest, because I know if I'm there with someone, we both want to be there. You can tell if someone doesn't want to be there. Yeah, we've gotten naked together. We've both been here. I don't have a gun to your head. You can leave. I could leave. And we're there. And they are certainly not thinking any of the things that I might be thinking that are insecurities. And. And most of what we spend our time worrying about are not even real. They're false evidence appearing real, which is fear. They're just happy to be. They're just really happy to be there. They're so happy you join them for this sexual escapade tonight. Thank you for joining me. They should send a frigging thank you card after. I would love to get a thank you card after sex. I know. I think that would be like. I'd be like, damn, I did a good job.

Yeah, exactly.

Why not? We do it for everything else. Like, thank you. That was great. Thanks for the great sex last night. I've got Justin calling in. He's 34 from California, and he wants to know where the pubic mound is and how he can stimulate it. Ooh, I love this, Justin. Pubic mound is so not understood or easy to find. People don't know what it is. I love this question. Let me tell you.

Yes, I'm curious to know exactly where the pubic mound is and how do I stimulate it for my wife.

Okay, so the pubic mound is essentially right above the clitoral opening. Like, it's the mound where the pubic hair is, essentially. So it's that whole. It's that whole area, like, right above it. Like, not like, not, like, below your belly button, but we're talking, like, by the vaginal opening, like, right above the clitoris and the vaginal opening. And it's like that whole area is the mound. And so what you essentially would do there, if that makes sense to you is there. Yeah. Is that you would stimulate it by applying pressure to it. Maybe it's like you. Because what happens is you're stimulating internal nerve endings, which could be the G spot. It could be internal clitoral nerves. You're sort of hitting all of them. And so a lot of women do this intuitively. They just kind of apply pressure to it. You could use a few fingers, or you could use the palm of your hand and just apply pressure to it. While you're also stimulating her vulva or her labia. It just kind of like. Yeah, so that's what you do. It's essentially the fleshy part of the vagina above the labia. Apply pressure to it. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Okay. See if she likes it. I think that it's a hidden hotspot.

Okay.

Okay. All right, Justin. Anything else?

I'm gonna continue doing the way I'm doing.

Great. Thank you. So, yeah, it stimulates the clitoris from the inside, essentially. I. I think all those internal nerves were like, is it the G? I call it the G area. The G spot. There's. It makes sense, though, that it would be. And then it could also help. A lot of women can squirt that way. Holding up the magic wand on the pubic mound can help many women squirt, if you're into that kind of thing. Because essentially, you're, like, squishing. If you think about that fleshy part, and you're either you're applying pressure on it or you're pushing it down. It's like hitting all the clitoral nerves and then a little internal. I don't know. I've been doing that forever, and I didn't know. I thought it was weird that when I was having sex or if a guy was going down on me, I was, like, pushing on it. But I still do. I mean, that's just how I've had a lot of pleasure. I've got Ken, 31, in California, and wants to know why he feels physically off after masturbation but not after sex. Hey, Ken, great question. Tell me more. Thanks for calling.

Hey, thanks so much. Yeah. Finish, though, by the way. Thank you. And everything. So. Yeah, I don't really know. I mean, I suspect that there's probably, you know, some element of therapy that I'm going to be, you know, starting for multiple things, but how it affects my sex life. But I'm also wondering if there's some sort of physical component to it as well.

Tell me what happens. You feel physically off after you masturbate, but not after sex, so tell me what you feel like.

Yeah, well, that's, that's why it's weird to me, because you think that like, generally the same thing is happening. But. Yeah, so if I'm masturbate, then, you know, I will feel both. Yeah, I just feel drained and in all sense of the words, you know, and like emotionally and physically, you know, fatigue, depression is very. Something I deal with anyway, but then it, like, it's like extra onset of that and then. Yeah, and then I just feel like, you know, just. Just a loss of, I guess, I guess vitality in a general sense.

Right.

And. Yeah, but it's. Yeah, it's. It's. It's all tied up in this very negative experience and it's. It's becoming increasingly more frustrating.

Okay, well, when did this start? So when did this start? During masturbation?

I don't know. I think it probably started in my mid-20s. Like, I'm early. I'm a 31 now.

Okay, and did something happen? Like, is there any guilt? Are you feeling shame after you masturbate? Are you watching porn? That maybe doesn't feel that great.

Yeah, I mean, sometimes, you know, watch porn and. And, yeah, you know, I don't know. The guilt. Yeah, I do feel feelings of guilt. I don't know. I don't know where. Where what ties into what.

Okay, what's the guilt?

Well, I don't know. See, that's the thing. I don't. I don't feel like a logical. Like, I can't. I don't have like a logical.

Right.

Component to why I feel guilty, but I feel all of the emotional overwhelming flood of chemicals that I would feel if I was guilty about doing something.

Right.

Well, that's why I'm wondering if it's tied into, like, early stuff that happened.

I mean, usually it is early stuff. Was there any early trauma in your life?

Did anyone ever walk in?

Yeah, there was some.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, some stuff with a neighborhood kid that, you know, like, would do, you know, different sexual things with me. And then it was, you know, confusing because it was older and stronger and like, would like hit me sometimes and stuff. And. And then. And.

That stuff, weirdly enough, when I was a kid, it didn't even bother me even you know, because you're in.

Fear and you're young. You don't make sense of it. You don't have to make sense of it when you're. Yeah, it's a violation. Yeah.

One day it all stopped. And if I talked about anything about it, like, I would, you know, he hit me. Or we just. Or it just what? It was just like stone cold. And then, then I. And then. And then I was like. Started going to church, and then I started feeling terrible about everything.

God. Yeah. Because in steel. Okay.

Yeah, Ken, I feel like I've gotten past that part of it, at least on the surface.

And the surface you have. But, Ken, first of all, let me just say that you sound really. You sound really evolved and really self aware, and you're articulating this so well. So that's. That's really great. I mean, I'm telling you, and what you're saying is like, yeah, like it happened and then it didn't feel that weird after. But who knows? You were a kid, so maybe you felt like even though it was weird that he was doing stuff sexually, you're like, but why did he stop? Am I not lovable? I didn't want the sex act. It's just confusing when something just changes like that. And that was your first, earliest, you know, experiences with another person sexually, which was a violation and which is actually, you know, illegal and doesn't feel great and you couldn't tell anyone. And then you have the church and you grew up in a religious environment where that also felt wrong. So it sounds. It sounds like you've had a lot of confusing messages around sex. So when you're alone with your thoughts, I mean, and just know it's common, there's a lot of men who feel, like a lot of guilt after they masturbate, a lot of shame after masturbation. And so it sounds like it's all tangled in a lot of different messages that you get to rewrite now your story. Because sometimes these things that we heard in childhood or from religion just no longer serve us. So I would recommend, Ken, some therapy for you. I know it's easy to think, well, it's been so long and it's gone now, but it's actually gonna persist, especially when there's sexual trauma, even though it didn't feel bad at the time. I'm telling you it's some kind of trauma. It's some kind of neural pathways got wired along this trauma that it's really hard to get yourself back on track. And I would recommend EMDR therapy.

Yeah, I'm a little familiar with that. Yeah.

I think it's the best stuff for trauma. And I would go. And you don't have to go for life. And I feel like talking about this experience is also gonna bring up a lot more for you. Like, maybe you didn't feel safe. Where were your parents? You know, like, that's the thing about it brings up a lot of things. And I feel like that was a really key moment in your life, especially as a young man, for that to be viol. Maybe there's some anger, you know what I'm saying? That comes up to you. So, of course, actually having sex is gonna trigger that. So it's a lot bigger than you think. But it's also the good news is that it's bigger than you think. So, yeah, you think you're past it. You're not. But also it can be handled in a way that's super healthy. And you're gonna get some really great insights and therapy that's gonna set you on a great track for your lifetime. Cause you're only 31, so people never deal with this stuff. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

Keep me posted. Thank you, Ken. So appreciate it. Thanks for calling on. We're here to help.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner, believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. We release two to three episodes a week. Find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all all sexwithemily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me feedbackexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com askemily and check out my website. We have so many great articles diving deep into topics like how do I have multiple orgasms? How do I last longer in bed? How do I stop thinking about my ex? What sex toys should I try? And so much more. Sign up for weekly emails. I've been told I give really good emails. I do. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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