Best Of: Sexy & Self-Aware w/ Lewis Howes & Lisa Bilyeu

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You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. I like to think of Lisa Bilyeu and Lewis Howes as leaders in the self awareness world, especially when it comes to relationships. Both Lisa and Lewis are incredibly successful. She went from housewife to co founder of a billion dollar business. He went from picked last for dodgeball to pro athlete, New York Times bestselling author and ut uber successful podcaster. But here's the thing. Success is empty if you don't learn to like yourself. And both are intimately familiar with that truth. On today's best of episode, I'm pairing these two voices to bring you the most powerful advice on self love and fulfilling Relationships. We hear from Lisa, who tells me the story of radically changing her role in her relationship. And Lewis, who tells the story of radically hustling for respect and getting it only to realize he needed to learn how to respect himself. In this show, you'll learn how to ask your partner for exactly what you need. How to break the habit of testing partners. How to identify the masks you wear for the world and why sex transforms after you've taken the time to understand who you are and love yourself. No hustle required. Intentions with Emily for each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to bring you two powerful and inspiring voices to show you what it's like to do the work and inspire you to reach success on your terms. If you want to ask me a question, just call my hotline, 559-talksex or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com askemily alright everyone, enjoy this episode.

Businesswoman and dear friend Lisa Bilyeu is the co founder and president of Impact Theory. It's an empowering digital production company and co founder of Quest Nutrition. You can find more about Lisa Bilyeu and Women of Impact, her podcast @lisabilleu on Instagram. That's Lisabi I L Y E U L and Women Impact. And don't forget to check out our podcast. I gave you some toys last time. I'm wondering if you'd like to discuss those. Anything fun happen?

I didn't explain the story.

No, you tell the story. No, I have not.

Okay, so I know all your listeners already know how awesome you are, but I'm just going to make it even more incredible. And we have the cherry on top. Do it. So I'm on your podcast, you're at my house, we're doing the interview. It was amazing. And then I tell you that I'm about to go on vacation like, like 10 days. And you're like, oh my God, I should have bought you this toy. I should have bought you that toy. And I'm like, oh, don't worry. She's like, well, when do you leave? And I'm like tomorrow morning. She's like, okay, I'm gonna get you the toys. I'm like, it's like what, 7pm at this point?

It was 7.

And I'm like, no, no, it's fine. So she's, she's asking her employees, she's like, how how do I get this to Lisa? And I was like, don't sweat it. You leave. I'm packing that night. And then I get a text from you, like, all right, there's an Uber on its way. And he's bringing you a package. And so literally, guys, I had an Uber turn up at my door on with like this box full of just amazing toys that you sent. And I took them on vacation. And my husband and I thanked you.

Well, here's the. Here's why. Well, you're so welcome. Because I heard you're the magic wand. So Lisa had a. So the magic wand has been around for you guys. Hear me talk about it. 50 years. And initially it was plugged into the wall, and it plugs into the wall, but now it's wireless. And you were telling me that. Yeah, but the cords and the thing. And I was like, I had to.

Take an extension cord with me whenever she.

She takes an extens. To plug in the magic wand. And then one time the electricity went out in a hotel room in London.

Oh, I forgot I told you.

And I was like, oh, my God. Wait, honey, you don't know. Like, it's wireless now.

It has.

It's cord free. You don't need to live like this anymore.

You changed my life, girl. Yeah, we actually did. For those people listening at home, we actually blew the fuse in our hotel room in London. And then the guy comes over and he's like, what did you do? And I was like, God, what do I tell him? So I was like, it was my hair dryer.

Right. It's America. Because that does happen. Right.

It was the first thing that came to mind. Cause I was like, it was a five star hotel. Like, I was so embarrassed.

That's what happens all the time. Usually it is the hair dryer. Yeah. You couldn't go away for 10 days on a romantic trip with your hubby without it.

It was a game changer.

You can change it. Yeah, you're a game changer.

Oh, thank you.

You're changing games. You're changing life. You are. Tell me about what you've learned. Cause you started Women of Impact.

Yeah.

Just a few months ago, I was on one of your first shows. You were also honored. Check it out. It's video and audio. And I'm thinking about it that first of all, all the women there have been on your show, or they're just starting businesses or they're successful in all different ways. And it's just love. Like how I always have that with my girlfriends because I really rid myself of the toxicity of friends, like, right away, when I meet someone who's. If you meet a woman as a friend, because my friendships are, like, very important to me. I've got the girls, like, they're my posse. And I'm like, if there's someone who is gossiping, let's say about something else, I know that then I'm the next person they're gonna talk about, or they're really unhappy, or the victim mentality, or they're just, you know, when people show you who they are, believe them, and those aren't the friends, you know, that you want to have. And I think that takes time. You get burned a few times, and then you just try to find those people. So I feel like when I've gone to your house, it's so great because I know that there's. You put together amazing women. So thank you for that. And in your show, you're such a great interviewer. She said, you interviewed me for an hour. And I was like, huh? How did you know that about me? And what a great way to spin it. And let me think a minute, because I don't know how to answer it. So interviewing all these women who have made impacts in all different fields, is there anything that you've noticed with these women that you've interviewed that have been like, that's interesting. I wouldn't have thought that all these women of impact, high achievers, or however you define it, is there something. A common thread?

Yeah. So the first common thread is they've all failed. Like, every single woman in their story has failed. And then every single woman has had insecurities. And so it's like we look at all these people around us, or even just these celebrities, and we think, I wish I was like them. They've got it easier, or they're so amazing. But really, the truth is, they've all had the same issues. They've all had to overcome failure. They've all fallen on their face. They've all had moments of insecurity, but they've all overcome them. And so all these little similarities, I really do believe, has gotten them to be as successful as they are are. But the difference is they all have techniques and different ways of handling those failures, those moments of falling on their face. And so those little tips and tactics and tricks have opportunities to resonate with different people. And that's really my goal.

Yeah, that's part of success. And it's more about how you get back up from all the failures, no matter how many times you fall down. How do you get back up? Was there anything with relationships with these women? Was there a common thread that you saw of women, like with dating or how they're finding it now in general? Maybe just with your friends?

Oh, that's interesting. Not really. I never, never really dove too deep into the relationship side of things. I am noticing more and more though, that women are starting to work with their husbands or their boyfriends or their partners. And so that seems to come up more and more often.

Yeah, yeah, I did a little bit. Well, that's what I. Okay. So I also had to have you back on, not just because you're one of my favorite people, but Lisa was on the show and she not only, like, started a little business with her husband, but like, nose to the grindstone, kicked ass and built now a billion dollar company in just a few years, Right? Four or five years.

It was five years.

Five years. And then they lived together and they still work together. And your advice about how you guys have really. I never. My audience, and I hadn't either, heard someone speak about it in such a way that was so relatable that people have come up to me and emailed me. Like, I loved it. So I was hoping you could kind of share some of those tips because they're fascinating to me how you and Tom, your husband, Tom Bily, who also has a successful channel impact theory. I use the mug. I got a mug. You leave our house of parting gifts and I use all of them. What can I say?

I leave empty handed. Let's face it, I'm Greek. I can't help it. Exactly.

So how did you tell me about that? Like, some of the things that you guys do, it's just like, it's like contracts. But it's sexy how they decide what they're gonna do together, how they're gonna live together and play together.

It's funny because really the rules we have with our personal is really the same rules we have with our business and vice versa. It's like establishing and establishing what you're looking for from the other person. Because as I evolved from, I was a housewife for eight years and then I became his business partner. So I went from super nurturing. I was the wife that was like, you came home, dinner was on the table waiting for you. He woke up in the morning, his gym clothes were already laid out for him. His socks, his shoes, everything. He got back from the gym and he had his towel waiting and his clothes for work. I was the housewife. And look, we had Decided as a couple, what are we doing in our future? What are we looking for as our goal? And then once we figured out what that goal is, we said, how do we get there? And our conclusion at the time was he was going to go out and be a businessman. He was going to try and earn as much money as possible, and I was going to take care of everything else. That way he could be fully involved in whatever he was going to do. And we broke down everything. Okay, what does that actually mean? Okay, it means food, it means clothes. It means bills. And we wrote it all out. And then I started getting into the business, and I started in our shipping department with Quest, and I built it up, and before I knew it, I had my first employee, then had my second employee. I'd never been a boss before in my life. There was one specific guy. He was like 6 foot 6 or something like that. I mean, he was huge. And I had to make sure that he knew who was boss because he couldn't be coming in late to work. He couldn't be taking advantage of me or the company. And I had to make sure I was setting those ground rules from day one. And so I had to harden. And so Tom went from seeing his wife be super nurturing to over a period of one or two years, where I transitioned into being an entrepreneur, and I had to harden where now I was no longer putting his clothes out. I was no longer sensitive to small little emotions that maybe he was having. And so we had to sit there and really talk about, okay, well, I'm changing as a human being. Let's address this. And what does that mean? And so that's when we came up with the, like, list, what you're looking for in a partner. Don't even worry about them. So I said, what do you want from a wife? Don't even think about my own feelings. Just lay out.

When you were already married.

When we were already married.

You guys have been together 18 years, correct?

We've been together 18 years now. And so this was, let's say, eight or nine years into our marriage. He was used to me being a certain type of wife. So it's like, okay, well, what do you want from a wife? What type of husband do you want to be? And I did the same. What type of wife?

Did you go and write it yourself? Yeah.

So what type of wife do I want to be, and what type of husband am I looking for? Because once you can take away worrying about someone's feelings, someone's emotions, and you can be that honest with each other, then you can say, am I willing to do that? Because it doesn't mean just because you say it has to happen. Right. So it's okay. Well, you want a wife that's super nurturing. Am I willing to do that? Okay. I've actually changed as a human. I love business. I love this new venture that we're going in. So I'm not looking to be the stay at home nurturer anymore. And he's like, you know, look, babe, seeing how happy you are, I would never ask that. I would never ask for you to give that up. So now I have to mourn the wife that I used to have. It's okay to do that, but you have to mourn it. Because if you don't, what's gonna happen? You're gonna start to get resentment. I know what you used to do for me, but what do you do for me now? Right.

Like, you hear that a lot all the time. Because people change. Like, I'm always saying that couples are changing over time, but they never address it. And then 20 years go by and what happened? Exactly. But in the moment, the moment to moment, you're addressing it.

Yeah. And you have. You have to address it. But again, just want to put an emphasis on it doesn mean that one person's right or one person's wrong or one person has to do something versus the other. It just means you have to have that honest communication with your guard down, be super open, super receptive to each other, and say, okay, how do we make that work? So he said he's never seen me as happy as when I was in business. So he's like, I'm never going to ask that of you. But, yes, I love having a wife that's making me food and laying clothes out. Who wouldn't?

So I want that. I know.

I want that too.

I actually need that. So let's just say that.

But.

Right. Okay.

So he said. So he had to mourn it. He had to mourn the type of wife I used to be, but also open his heart to the type of wife I'm now becoming. And look, the reality is, being Greek Orthodox, I actually really do value being a traditional wife. So I struggled with the change.

Right. It wasn't just him. You're like that. That was your identity also. For eight years.

Exactly. So we came up with a plan going back to, like, we deal with our relationship like we do business. And I said, all right, babe, well, how does it feel for you if I make your favorite meal On a Saturday, and I make your favorite meal on a Sunday. So now I'm cooking for. I'm doing something nice. I feel like I'm a really good wife because I'm really delivering. But I'm not giving up who I really want to become, which is this businesswoman that now I'm starting to get a taste for that I love. And so we came with that agreement. He's like, great, babe. Look, if you can't cook on the weekends, I don't want you to stress either. Because being in a relationship where, like, oh, my God, if I do one step wrong, then now am I going off, you know, against my word? That's not fair either. So you have to do a little, like, balance.

So you really found a way to get both of your needs met. Now, can you give an example perhaps, of some of the things that you needed from him?

Yeah, absolutely. So him becoming really into business, Romance had gone away.

Romance too, right. When you're building entrepreneur, you know, and.

He used to want. Before we either of us started in business, he would write me poetry. I was actually just telling somebody the other day that he learned how to play the guitar, wrote me a song, and then sung it to me. That's how romantic he used to be.

Wow.

But again, we kind of sat down and said, that takes so much time, energy, and effort that if he's going to do that, can he still become as successful as he wants to be? And so we sat down. Like, it just takes up too much time. And so I had to mourn the romance side of it. But then we had to find a balance because he went too far into the, you know, grind. I'm working every day and night, seven days a week. So for me, I had to go, okay, well, what's my role in this? I'm the one who's seeking the romance. He doesn't innately feel it anymore because he's so consumed with his work. And I don't take that personally. Like, that's not about me. That's about something that he's found that he's passionate over. But I need to take responsibility because romance is important to me. And so if it's important to me, don't be this person on the sideline that's just hoping for it.

Waiting for a romance to fall on your lap.

Right.

You can also bring the romance.

Exactly. So I lay out what that is for me, and if that is. Hey, babe, I need you to write me a card. It's my birthday. I don't Want any gifts? I don't want anything, but I want you to hand write. In fact, it wasn't a handwrite card. But the thing that I said to him is, I want you to personally phone up the restaurant and book the restaurant that we're going to for whatever.

The restaurant.

Yeah. Well, no, I picked it, okay? I was very controlling like that.

I know what I want to eat.

I know exactly.

You make the car right.

Now, look, we have assistants, so I could have asked them easily, but it was important that he phoned. And the thing is, I know about him is I know that he's actually quite forgetful. So I took his phone. Not trying, because you can test people. Now, the thing is, if I tested my husband's memory, he would have failed. And if that's a reflection of how much he loves me, well, then I'm setting myself up for failure, because I know his memory is terrible. He would forget even things were important to him.

Exactly.

So I know that it's not a personal insult to me. So I know he's got a bad memory. So I took his phone and I put in his phone book, birthday restaurant for your wife. And I just set an alarm for him to do it. And so now his alarm goes off, he picks up his phone, he does it, and we've come together, together as a team for me to get what I want. So again, it's not testing people. It's not checking, like, oh, well, if they. They really love me, they'll make. Book the restaurants. No, people are forgetful.

Exactly. And you knew about him that he was forgetful. So it wasn't like, that would have been setting him up for failure. And I feel like what a lot of people do in relationships is they're putting these ridiculous demands on their partners that have never done anything like that, and they just want him to, like, do it for me. Like, just go ahead and initiate sex, even that's not even that crazy. Or, let's act out of fantasy. And then there's a part of her going, I. I don't even know what that means, so you got to go to baby steps. Exactly. Like, sometimes we are like, why don't they ever bring home flowers? Or maybe it overwhelms them, and they don't know what you like because one time you were sneezing over that one bouquet. And then make it as easy as you can. Like, we just are issuing demands at people, our partners, and not really seeing them for who they are. There's a lot missing in that.

Yeah. And I would just say be uber specific with the demand. Don't beat around the bush. Like, ladies or even guys, like, figure out what you really want. If you want flowers or if you want sex, just be honest with the other person. Because they're not a mind reader. Because is your goal to test them or to actually get what you want? Like, what is that goal?

Right.

If it's to actually get what you want, then say it.

Exactly. Say it and get it. But how? And you were pretty clear on one. Or did it take a while for you guys to. Because a lot of people, even myself, sometimes I find when I'm looking for what I want, and I've done a lot of work on this, what I want in a partner. Sometimes it's like, I had to really sit and spend time. You're not gonna write it in a day. As women, sometimes we are very. Just reactive, and we just fall into a role, but it might not be working for us anymore. And I know a lot of women who've had kids, and they're like, God, I'm no longer that mom, but I want to go out and do something else. And I feel there's a lot of different ways it can look so just like a business to have couples, like, check in.

Yeah. And it's like, we want to feel good about ourselves. And the problem is, because we want to feel good about ourselves, we kind of wait for people to give that to us.

Right.

Like, I'm gonna feel good about myself if my husband comes home tonight with flowers. But I don't want to rely on him to feel a certain way in the hope that he knows that he should be bringing flowers home, you know? So I'm like, okay, if I really want to feel good, and I think flowers are gonna do it, then I'm gonna reach out to him, and I'm gonna say, baby, you know what would really make me feel good tonight? If you came home with flowers. Because I'm really struggling. And if he doesn't then have that conversation, like, look, I reached out. I was very honest with you. You didn't come home with flowers. Now I'm gonna be more reluctant to reach out to you and tell you what I want because you didn't reciprocate.

And then just talking about it as it happens and not letting it build up. Now, some people would think there's nothing romantic about this because you're having to spoon feed your partner what you want. And to me, it makes the most sense ever, because how y' all doing with that just waiting for your partner to kind of show up with what you want. That just doesn't work that way. Like, I always talk about scheduling sex or scheduling date nights because I just think, yeah, we are expecting our partners to be mind readers and just figure it all out, and it doesn't work like that at all. So that is inspiring to me. Thank you. Everything about it. 18 years. Yeah.

But in all honesty, when we first got together, if I had heard myself now, I'd be like, God, that sounds so unromantic. I would have been that person. But the truth is, I wasn't getting what I wanted. And do you want to be disappointed by your partner? I mean, look, Tom doesn't want to disappoint me. And so if he was disappointing me without realizing it, like, the least I can do as the wife is give him the keys to the kingdom and tell him.

Exactly. See, that is a key point. That is a key point, and that is, I believe that no one's partner wants to inherently disappoint them. They don't want to be withholding. They don't want to not do that thing you want in bed or buy you the perfect birthday present or be the right partner and show up at your family's dinner and not mess it up. If they are with you and married, they're not trying to fuck it up.

Yeah.

So it's just interesting. And then it all goes back to communication skills, like people starting from, let's say there's a couple, and we have many couples listening, probably been together 18, 20 years. We hear from a lot of them. Where would you start? If you're already there and you're like, we are already in this place. How do you like. Is there, like, a form they would fill out? Like, how would you have couples sit down and start a conversation they've never had about how to get, let's say, their needs met?

I would say timing makes a difference. So if you're having this conversation with your partner when they're really tired or when they're frustrated, like, it's the worst time. So making sure that you guys are super relaxed, your gut, both guards are down because you can't come at it with an attack mode because immediately someone's going to put their guard up and it's like, yeah, but you didn't do this. And now that doesn't get you anywhere.

Please start with how it makes you feel.

Correct.

The I, not the you.

Right. Exactly what you're looking for. Personally, what would mean a lot to You. So I think language matters. So. Hey, baby, this is something that I've really been thinking about. It'd make me really happy. And I think that you can bring it, you know, like having those kind of words versus you know what you haven't done this. You can lead to the same thing, but two very different approaches.

You can, right? You can get exactly what you want. But when you put someone on the defensive, you never. You didn't. They have nowhere to go.

And the thing that Tom and I actually use a lot now is the word feel. I feel like that doesn't mean that it's true. Like, I actually recognize the emotion. My emotions could be blinding me right now. And this may be inherently wrong, but I feel like you're not showing me enough romance. Okay. He can say, but hang on a minute. I did this, this, and this. Yeah, I totally hear you, but I don't feel it. Okay, why don't I feel it? And then you figure it out. Then you keep diving deeper. You keep diving deeper. But insane feel, it doesn't make anyone's guard up. It doesn't mean that you're attacking them. Acknowledging that it could be your own emotions in that moment that's misleading you because we all know your emotions are going to take over. So if all your chemicals. So if we know that I just lead with it, like, look, I could be really sensitive right now, and it's very possible, but I feel like I'm not getting enough attention.

And no one can really argue with your feelings.

Right?

No one can say, no, you don't feel that way. You're like, this is what I'm telling you. I am feeling. You can't argue with feelings. When someone says, you did this, you did that, they could argue. But feelings is like, that's why it's a great way to lead.

Yeah. And then you could rebut that and even go back and say, okay, so what would make you not feel like that?

Yes.

And now you're letting the person tell you back the answer so the person listening can really absorb what they're saying and then act in accordance.

That's such a great way to put it to flip it back. What would make you not. What would make you feel the opposite? And then it could be flowers, it could be a vacation, it could be anything. Lisa Bilyeu, this is. Thank you for all your advice here. We have to take a break. I have to ask you the five quickie questions I ask every guest. Also, if you want to find Lisa, it's. It's LisaBilyeu. L I S A B I L Y E U.

Nice.

Well done. You know me and womenofimpact and we're gonna have all this in the show notes and then here's the five questions. Ready? Quickie questions.

Okay. I love games.

I know. I should give you a sex game. Do you guys want a sex game? Biggest turn on. I know. Biggest turn on.

My husband.

Biggest turn off. Oh, poop.

Oh, it could be poop.

It is.

I don't know where they came from.

Something you wear that makes you feel sexy every time.

Oh, my birthday suit.

Nice.

Go to date night activity.

Oh, talking.

I know. Piktoker.

We've been for like nine hours. We've been and sat at a restaurant for nine hours once. True story.

I love it. See great minds. Something your partner does that gets you in the mood immediately.

Ooh, kisses me on the neck.

Ah. Love it. Thank you, Lisabilia for being here. This was a blast. I love you. I adore everyone. Check out our podcast, women of impact. You're amazing. You'll be back again. Thank you for sharing all of that, you guys. Okay. Thanks for being here. Check her out. After the break. I talked to Lewis about the masculine side of sex and relationships. Be right back.

Lewis Howes is New York Times best selling author, lifestyle entrepreneur, former professional football player, business coach and keynote speaker. Find more about lewis howes@lewishouse.com on his podcast School of greatness or Instagram Lewishouse. Hi, Lewis.

Good to see you.

Good to see you too. It's funny you walked.

What did we meet? 2011.

2011.

Was that when the show was hot.

Sex Book launch because you were really into hot sex at the time? No, that's. We could actually funny get into that story. But I met him six years ago in New York. We had mutual friends and. But now he's the best selling authority entrepreneur. He created the school of greatness. And the podcast came first. Correct.

Podcast came first. And then people just wanted more information and I put together the book.

You did right. He's got a best selling book and it's built around the philosophy that's encouraging people to go deeper with themselves, become the best version of themselves in all aspects of their lives. And so you interviewed truly great people who had a lot to say and it was very successful. It still is very successful. Your podcast and your most recent book is a departure from that because you've had a lot of success. And we're gonna get into your old story, but it's called the Master of masculinity. How men can embrace vulnerability, create strong relationships, and live their fullest lives.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I've always worn a lot of masks. I think as a driven, achieving athlete, I want to.

Yeah, let's tell. Let's hear your story. Because not everybody. Let's pretend they don't know you. Don't know you yet.

Yeah. From Ohio. And I was just very driven to achieve in sports, and I'll talk about why in a second. But my entire life, I wrapped my identity around being a great athlete. And if I didn't win, I was a sore loser. And so I just drove to always win in sports and to get bigger, faster, stronger. And it worked. You know, I was great in high school, college. I played professional football for a little bit, and then I got injured and for a couple years was in Ohio on my sister's couch, trying to figure out, who am I? My whole identity was wrapped around being an athlete. Now I can't be an athlete. Like, what do I even know about life? Or anything other than sports? And started getting into business. I had a lot of mentors who were guiding me and eventually took off in this one business, sold it, and realized that things still weren't working for me. Even though I had been successful in sports, made a lot of money in business, and sold this company eventually, after a number of years, I was still like, why am I just insecure and unhappy and afraid and jealous and comparing constantly. And I turned 30, moved to LA. I guess I was 29 when I moved here, but I was around 30 when I was going through a very toxic relationship, that I didn't have the emotional capacity as a man to say what I needed to say and to remove myself from the environment. The intimacy was so powerful for me. The intimacy, the sex, the connection there was so profound that that was the problem. Well, I was like. I was like, if I leave, I may never have this again.

Okay.

Like the same.

That's what everyone thinks when they're about to leave a relationship.

Was like, I. Yeah, but then. So for 5% of the relationship was powerful in those moments. The other 95, it was like the most toxic, volatile experience of my life. That was so stressful. And I was always on eggshells. Right. It's just, like, didn't matter what I said, what I did, what I looked at, didn't look at. It was like I was wrong as a man in the relationship. And so all I was trying to do was please the relationship, like, please her, to make her feel Happy. Because I think most guys want to make their partner happy.

Yeah, they do.

And when they're not happy at them, they say, okay, well, what can I do to make you happy? I didn't have the emotional vocabulary and language on how to express myself, so I started to express myself with anger. I started to get defensive when someone would attack me online or tweet at me, something about whatever, I would respond back for days to defend myself. I would go play basketball and work out to get this aggression out, this, like, frustrating feeling I was having. And anytime that anyone on the mean streets of West Hollywood would step to me on a basketball game, I would, like, scream at them, shove them. Like, I wanted someone to fight me. I was like, bring it on. Let's do this. And then no stakes game of pick a basketball.

Right? Because you just. Right, you just gotta get it out because you can't talk to your girlfriend about anything.

And so all these things came to a head when I got in a really bad fight four years ago. I beat the crap out of someone on a basketball court. Like, it finally happened, where I instigated someone enough. He hit me, and it gave me, like, the right in my mind to fight back.

Okay.

And it was just bad because you.

Were not a fighter before this. You're saying the aggression was coming out because you weren't able to deal with some of the emotions.

And, I mean, the last fight was, like, in high school or something.

Right? Right. Okay.

Yeah, no, I. You know, I played football. I was able to hit people and get away with it because it's legal. You know what I mean? So it was my ability to do that. But when I didn't know how to express myself, it was like, well, what do I do?

Right?

How do I get this out there?

It's not even, like, conscious, obviously.

It's just not even conscious.

Right.

So this was a moment in my life where I was like, things are not working. I am achieving financial results. People, look, my podcast is taking off. These things are working. Pretty much every goal I set out to do, I made happen pretty much everything. But I was suffering constantly inside.

How did you know you were unsettled? If you had all these great things, what did it? You're walking around feeling angry.

Yes.

Feeling less than comparing yourself to others.

Shameful, guilty, embarrassed.

Like with the fraud, like, the whole imposter syndrome, maybe. Like, I have success, but I don't really feel like it, or. No, you don't go.

Here's what I realized is people didn't actually know Who I was, that I was constantly projecting a false sense of who I was in the world. I acted like I had it always figured out that I had the answers. I was projecting a false sense of masculinity to try to look good and to try to be okay in the world. I started to, for the first time ever, like, ask for feedback. You know, I was 30 years old and I was like, okay, all these things aren't working. After this fight, I was like, ran back to my condo in West Hollywood and, like, was in my bathroom washing off the blood on my hands. Blood is all over the court and the police department is like, right across the street. And I'm like, I could have lost everything in this moment. This one stupid decision to, like, respond in this way in a weak minded way by allowing myself to hit someone. It's so weak. If you think about it. What if someone had a knife? What if the cops were there and I went to jail? Like, all the things that I've worked hard for my whole life could have been over or could have had, like a mark on me in some way. And I remember just looking in the mirror at myself just like shaking. I was like, what is wrong with you? Why are you this way? Why do you always respond with anger? Why are you always frustrated? Why are you always defensive in sports, but then in relationships, in every area of your life and you were still.

In this relationship at the time, Kind of still.

I was like, trying to get out of it, you know what I mean?

But, like, lingering, because women end relationships typically because men are like, trying or they go.

I was a coward. It was terrifying to me because I was afraid to be alone as well. And I was afraid I would never have that intimacy again. And so I did. For the first thing, I was just like. It wasn't total rock bottom, but it was like emotional rock bottom.

I was gonna say, was it your emotional rock bottom?

I remember I literally was sitting in my apartment for two weeks and I watched 88 episodes of Weeds. You know the show Weeds?

Yeah, yeah.

Like, I literally didn't leave for two weeks. I was just like laying. I mean, I got up and did whatever, got food every now and then, But I was pretty much in my bed watching Weeds every single day.

This was the one thing on.

It was the thing on. I just watched a couple of them.

And I was like, really cooked, whatever.

I was from the beginning, and I was like, oh, there's 10 episodes or 10 seasons. Let me just go through them all. And I just wouldn't Sleep. I'll just watch TV all day long. It was in my escape for me, and I started to ask for feedback. I was like, okay, enough is enough. Like, I'm sick of feeling this. I've got to change my life. Otherwise I'm probably always gonna.

You ask your friends for feedback, your family.

I started asking friends, I started hiring therapists, I hired coaches. I was like asking my closest friends.

Like, tell me why I'm the most fucked up.

I was just like, you know, what are the things that you like about me, that you enjoy about me? What do I do really well? What are the things that I don't do well? I was just like, on all spectrums. Give me feedback. I was a demand for information about who I was and how I showed up in the world. Because before that, I never wanted feedback or criticism.

We often talk about emotionally unavailable men, which is sort of the umbrella term, I think, for a lot of different emotional challenges that men and women have emotionally. And I've been, I've been known to be emotionally unavailable. I think your book deals with a lot of that. Dating any man that you ever thought, he doesn't quite get it, it'll be in this book. So what you're saying is you were asking him. So before that you were that guy, you're like, did I ask you for free? Did I ask you for that? Like, if they ask you, but now you're like, tell me. So. Yeah. Were there themes?

Absolutely. I mean, pretty much that I was a coward on every area of my life, that I was very guarded, that I was angry, and I was like, what are you talking about? I'm like the most loving, joyful, happy guy. Like, I always, always came from a place of smiling and happy and joyful. But when moments of frustration came to me, it's like I only had one switch and that was to defend myself, to protect myself. Again, I was talking to therapists, coaches, I was like asking everyone. And I went to this workshop. It was a five day workshop here in la. Emotional intelligence training that had a lot of games and exercises. It addressed the areas of our life that weren't working for us. So there's like 50 of us in this workshop and this trainer was like, going through different exercises and games to address the areas of our past that we still hold on to, that keep us from living a more meaningful, fulfilling, rich life in relationships, in our career, everything. And we're going through a lot of these things. The first few days of, you know, our parents and the example they set and how we grew up like them, and whatever breakups we've gone through, divorces, people have gone through, the things that we've been holding onto that still hurt us and how we have these triggers and reactions. So for three days, people are opening up and expressing this, and I'm kind of opening up, and I'm acting like I've got it all figured out, but I'm talking about the different challenges I had growing up. And at day three, the trainer goes, okay, we've addressed everything from your past. Now we're going to move forward to create a vision for your life on how you want to live, moving forward for the ultimate relationships, the ultimate career mission, everything, your health. But we can't fixate on the past if you want to live in a powerful future. So I was like, cool. And so he goes, if you haven't said anything you need to say yet, now is the moment. Otherwise, we're not going back. So you need to say it now or kind of forever hold your peace.

I got anxious. Okay. Yeah.

And so I'm sitting there again. There's 50 of us in a room, and I'm sitting there, and I'm like. I talked about my parents going through a divorce and, like, everyone in this room. And I talked about feeling like the youngest of four not having the attention that I wanted. I talked about being picked on and bullied and picked last and being in the special needs classes my whole life in school and just feeling insecure.

For learning.

Yeah, for learning in school. And, you know, I talked about my brother who went to prison for four years when I was eight years old, and how I didn't have any friends during that time. What about that moment when I was raped by a man? And it came in my head, I was like, huh? Yeah. That time when I was five, when that man took me in the bathroom and raped me. Why have I never shared this with anyone? Why have I always held this a secret? Why has this always been the thing that I've never wanted anyone to know about me? And I just. For whatever reason, in that moment, I stood up, walked at the front of the room, and for the first time, told the entire story as if I was right there. And I couldn't look anyone in the eyes when I told this story. I was so ashamed of myself and so embarrassed by what people would think about. And I sat down, and it was like I just erupted with tears. I just erupted. I couldn't control myself.

I can't imagine.

Yeah, it was just like. It was so terrifying. To let people see me.

Yeah. And so this is something that you would completely repress in the sense of it. It didn't come up for you.

I always knew it happens. Of course, I always think about it.

It's in your body.

Like, I always think about it.

But you're like, that was the one tab. Like, that would never come out. Right.

Would never come out. And people would always ask me stuff about, why are you so. This and this and that.

Yeah. You have a lot of deep conversations. People are asking and they're revealing, but I would never.

I never told them that. I just didn't want people to know.

Never right moment for that. Tell them.

And it was the most challenging thing because. Because I was terrified. I ran out of the room afterwards because I couldn't stop crying. And I was just like, I feel embarrassed. I'm scared. I don't know what these people are thinking about me. Luckily, there was two women on either side of me who were, like, holding me and crying with me that I felt like, okay, I'm somewhat safe in this moment. But I was just so embarrassed that I ran out of this kind of hotel conference room, went across the street. There was like a wall. I put my head up against the wall like this and was just like. Couldn't stop crying. And after a few minutes, it was like, one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me. These men who were in the room came up to me and started holding me, hugging me. And they were like, you're my hero. They were like, I've never seen a man do what you've done. Just did here. Like, people are like, man, I've been judging you. This whole time, I've thought of you, of this other guy.

You know, you're coward. Right.

Well, you know, I led with my ego a lot. I led with ego. I led with ego a lot. And they were like, gosh, I've just been judging you, and now I trust you. And some of the guys were like, I've been sexually abused and I haven't told anyone.

Right. It's so kind of.

And I haven't told anyone, and my wife doesn't know, and you're giving me permission to go tell my wife and have that conversation. If you want to have the. The greatest sex and relationship in general, if someone doesn't. If your partner doesn't know, like, the things that are most vulnerable to you, then you don't feel safe, and you don't feel like you can trust that person. And therefore, you'll probably never Fully, emotionally expose yourself in bed and sex, and something will always be holding you back. It may be powerful, great. But that intimacy where you look in someone's eyes and you both orgasm emotionally, spiritually, physically, like, that is unbelievable connection.

No, it is. This is perfect. So what you're doing here, because I want to say what I'm hearing in that, is that this moment of. We all have secrets and things that we're ashamed of because we get into a relationship with someone and, you know, we always bring, like. What do they call it? Like, your first date, like your representative. They say the first few dates, like, the best version of yourself, sometimes for a few years. And there's certain things we just were like, well, I could never reveal this about me, but this person won't love me. They won't like me. And a lot of times we haven't revealed it to anybody or maybe just our best friend. And that's what true intimacy is. And you realize that all the power that you've given this, whatever the thing is that you're repressing, all the energy you've given it, once you, like, release it to the world, right. It no longer has power on you. It releases you. It's freedom.

It was instant. I mean, it was terror. And I was scared and unsure of what was gonna happen because I just didn't think I was allowed to say those things exactly. But what happened afterwards was, like. It was unbelievable freedom. You know, it took some, like, weeks and months for me to fully process. And I started telling my family, I started telling my friends one by one, because this group really encouraged me to start talking about it more. Just like the relationships I had with my family, my family started saying things that I never knew about them, you know?

Right. Cause you were able to tell them. So that's the thing. It's not even about relationships with. It is about romantic relationships, intimate ones. But with your family and your friends, when you start to really reveal this stuff, you realize that it makes you. And that's how we talk about it, specifically, the mask of masculinity. Because men feel like it will make me less manly. I won't be a man if I'm vulnerable.

I'm emasculated if I'm. I'll be a girl.

I'll be a chick.

I'll be a less than a girl. I'll be whatever the names that kids called me growing up.

Exactly.

It's like, I don't want to be less than a girl.

No. God, no.

Or considered a girl.

Exactly. Right.

Yeah. So that's just. A lot of guys have followed this pattern, not all guys, where they don't feel like it's cool or okay to just share their feelings. And you were talking about before we jumped on you guys, as girls talk about this every day. You get together in groups and you're like, I'm going through this right now, stressed out about this.

Every day I talk to my girlfriend. I mean, I'm lucky. I think a lot of women have this, so. But we are socialized from the time of we're babies. Like, women are just more social creatures. The way we create. We make eye contact, all that stuff. And I feel like with my girlfriends, we do. I have the same 10 best friends throughout the last 20, 15, 20 years, and they're all in San Francisco or all over the world. But I talk to them, and we're not like, hey, what shoes did you get? What makeup? We're like, okay, what happened with your husband? What's going on here? And we get into it. Like, when I was 26 in San Francisco, I'd go to therapy every week. And after therapy, and when every Tuesday, my best friend Mary and I would meet at Whole Foods, and we would sit at the bulk food. We'd get the thing. We'd sit there, get coffee, and we would just process our therapy for years. I mean, it's like, I've been so. Women naturally do this. Men, not so much. You get together.

So I think 50% of men feel like they don't have a guy friend they can share their stuff with.

And so they get it from women, sort of. But then the women are constantly frustrated because, like, he's not available. He's not available. So what I wanted to do today is because that's an amazing story about how you were able to open up, and I'm sure your relationships have all improved. You were able to end that toxic one, and I think you're in a healthy relationship, right? Yes. And it's not just. It has to be trauma, although there are some. So many men. I'm glad you have. One in six men have sexual abuse.

One in six men have been sexually abused. That has been recorded. Yeah.

But there's one of three women.

Is it one of three? One of four. One of three women who've been. Yeah. I'm sure more have been sexually harassed in some way or grabbed or whatever.

Right.

Or men who feel unsafe, that feel like they don't know how to express themselves. They've never been trained or they don't have the emotional capacity to. And listen, I'm right there with these men in a sense of, like, I've been angry and reacted in ways that are very defensive and guarded. Now, thankfully, I've never sexually molested or done these things. Or killed anyone. Exactly.

So it's not like next time, next year could have been.

Who knows?

But you get it. That's what we're saying.

Yeah.

Well, wait. We're gonna take a quick break. When we come back. God, there's so much more to double into. I think that a lot of guys and women. You know what I love is that your book is also for women. Absolutely. Listen, you're gonna recognize yourself and women. If you're dating a man, you'll be like, oh, yeah, that's what it is. And we're gonna tell you how to deal with it. Lewis Howes book is the Mask of Masculinity. Also, thanks for supporting our sponsors. I love them. I never talk about products or surfaces or anything that I haven't used that I'm not actually obsessed with. So thank you for supporting them and we'll be right back.

So this, what we're talking about is like this classic journey towards self awareness. Right? Like, we, a lot of us are driven by goals, certain ambitions. Once we get the job, the car, the house, the wife, the. That everything will be perfect. We're gonna be happy, we're gonna be successful. And then you get there and then you're like, huh, I still feel empty. Something's wrong. I mean, it's a classic, right? It's a classic tale of self awareness.

I forget the celebrity that said this. I don't know if it was Jim Carrey or someone that was like, I wish everyone in the world could become rich and famous and realize that's not like, the key to.

No. Great quote in your book that I pulled out, actually.

What'd it say?

Whatever success you're after, someone has already achieved it. Deluded himself into thinking that just a little more of it would make him happy and solve all his problems. Guess what? It didn't. Yep. So everything that we're chasing, and we think we look at that person. If you're looking outside yourself to achieve, they're so happy there. If I just make a little more money, if I only meet this person and everything's gonna be great. And the bottom line, everyone can tell you, mystics, psychic, the Buddha, anyway, wherever you go, it comes from the inside. It comes from all this stuff. But I also think that we are talking. I think there's A lot of women who are a little more self aware about this, I'm not saying every woman on the planet, but for men who are listening, going, yeah, I hear what you're saying. I haven't been abused. I mean, my life is actually really good right now. Like, I don't even really know what you're talking about. And I can tell you that if they just called me for five seconds, I could probably. We take callers sometimes too. Yeah, I think I could get to that in a. I could get that in five seconds. Like, have you ever dated a woman who was like, you're not really emotionally available? Or I feel like when I'm with you, I'm kind of alone? Or I feel like you don't really share things. Like, babe, we talk all the time. So those people, those guys maybe who.

Are like, well, here's the thing, here's the thing. These masks represent.

Part of our. What we think is our identity. They represent what we think is our self worth, you know? And for me, I was picked last in fourth grade on a dodgeball game where there was two captains, two guys that, to come back to the story from the beginning, there was. My fourth grade teacher said, okay, we're not going out to recess by ourselves. We're gonna do like a dodgeball game. And he picked two of the popular kids to be the captains. And they chose one by one, right? There was like 30 kids in the class, let's say 15 boys, 15 girls. I can't remember exactly. And I'm thinking I'm one of the taller kids. I'm probably gonna be picked one of the first. And they go through one by one and pick all these guys until it comes down to the last two guys. Me and the nerdy looking guy who had the glasses in the pocket square and that kid, right? And I'm like, there's no way they're not gonna pick me up after this guy. And they end up picking this other kid before me. And so I'm the last boy to be picked. But then something happens. The next picker picks a girl and then picks another girl and then picks another girl until it's down to me and the last girl in the class. This girl can barely even walk. She's like so uncoordinated. And I'm like, there's no way I'm gonna be the last one picked. And they picked the girl. And by default I go on the last team. I don't even get picked. So I'm less than a girl in my mind. In like my fourth grade mind. And I said, never again will I get picked last. So whether I was sexually abused or not, before this, I said, never again will I be picked last. And I'm gonna become so big, so fast, so strong, so valuable that people always have to pick me first in sports. And it worked. I trained myself every single day, starting.

Then like it was third grade, fourth grade, fourth grade.

This like negative fuel to prove people wrong drove me every day. And I had that chip on my shoulder and it worked. I was a great athlete in high school, college, you know, everything else like that played professional sports. And I proved those kids wrong.

And who even, yeah, and who even knows if you would have played sports, who knows those pivotal moments, right?

Here's the thing. I proved all those kids wrong and anyone else wrong who thought I wasn't good enough or whatever or had like something for me, I proved them all wrong. But man, every time I lost at anything, I was the worst loser because it was like an attack on my identity and my self worth worth. If I'm not going to win, then people aren't going to accept me. And the worst loser, the worst winner, you know, I rubbed it in their faces and it never felt good. I achieved these big dreams that I wanted and when I would achieve them, I was like, why am I still not fulfilled right? It's because I was driven by this false sense of identity. And then again when I lost, when I wasn't able to play football anymore and I got injured, my self worth was wrapped around this idea of being an athlete. This is what happens with men who wear, who have the material mask, you know, when I was broke on my sister's couch for a couple years, I was like, I don't want to feel this way anymore. I need to learn how to make money. And I started researching. I found mentors who are millionaires. I was like, I'm going to obsess over this. I'm going to focus on getting nice things, everything. And it worked. I made millions of dollars, I built a business. I was like, you know, had access to things and the money was never enough. Like I was living in scarcity. Like when, and then when the money started to go down in my bank account, I freaked out, right?

Exactly.

My self worth was wrapped around my net worth. So some guys, you see that, they always need something else to.

So you went from like athleticism from being number one with that to money. And I think it's interesting, your stories because even, well, this was up until four years ago, because your school of greatness, you're on your book. There was a chapter in your book, you were saying, like, you're on this book tour and you have everything and people are signing up and your book sold out. New York Times bestseller, agent's like, everything I wanted. Everything you wanted. And then you're in your hotel room, lonely, going. And I guess I have to say, like, I. And even as a woman, and here's the other thing, women have these masks as well. I can't tell you how many times, I mean, I've gone through this, I thought, like, even when I met you, doing misadvised. For me, it was never about fame, it was never about money, except I was super broke. Doing misadvised, it was like living on a friend's couch. I had no money.

All you girls were, I think, right?

Yeah, totally.

Julio's broke.

And I was like, But I know doing this podcast is my passion. I love. I mean, it still is helping people and people listen to it. So why aren't I making. I just kept doing it. My parents, like, you're crazy. I'm like so close. For me, it was about how can I make this thing happen so it could be sustainable. And it wasn't. And it wasn't so much about. Now I finally can, like, I have the money, I have a lot of things I wanted, but sometimes, you know, yeah, there's still that. Now I have all that. I put all my energy to that. And where's my community? I left them in San Francisco, you know, so there's always gonna be little things, but the more where you are now, I know, like what's missing and where you go. So we flip around these things in our life, but I guess just the more self aware you are, it about where things are at. So now. So you did the book tour. So you did win from athleticism, then athletes book tour. And then you're like, whoa. And then you had this breakdown.

Well, then I was in the, you know, wearing the sexual mask.

Sexual mask.

Well, I can't be with one woman because I'm getting all these women. My whole childhood, high school, no girls liked me, you know, because I was.

One of those that never ends.

The guys are like, dumb kid who was in the special needs classes. My brother was in prison when I was 8 years old till I was 12 for selling drugs to an undercover cops. So I didn't have the parent. The parents in my neighborhood wouldn't let their friends, their kids hang out with me. So I didn't have friends and I was like dumb in class and I was like 6, 4 when I was 8 and I just looked goofy and all these things. So now I have some financial success, I have some athletic success, I have this book success. And like women were desiring me and I was like, oh, now I need to get mine. I need to show my self worth.

I gotta get bag some chicks. Yeah, yeah.

I gotta prove to myself that like I can get this right.

That's still empty. This is like so classic, right? Guys go through these cycles. I know. So yeah, you go through the cycles, you got all the money that you can get the women, then you get the job and the cars and ultimately it's all freaking empty until you love yourself, know yourself and become vulnerable and real.

Yes, this is the challenge. Everything was working in my life on the outside. Like I was getting results. When people gave me feedback, I was like, screw you, you're not doing this in your business. You're not doing this, you're not, you know, or whatever. I was like defensive. It's really hard because people start to look at themselves differently when they go through a divorce or a bad breakup or a health scare or a near death experience or someone close to them dies. That's when people start to start look and be like, let me, you know, look at my life and see how do I want to live. So it's hard to get men to be aware and look within when they don't feel like they need to.

Right.

That's why I think this book is going to be powerful for women. Because women have a massive influence over men and intimate relationships whether they think so or not. And when you can understand the man in your life who might be disconnected or might be focused on this or on that, or is defensive or always needs to be right and win in your arguments or puts down people, whatever it may be, or it's always telling a joke, it's just constantly funny.

Yeah, let's talk about some of the mess because that's what I was going to say. A lot of times there's the rock bottom that like someone dies or you're, you know, you lose a job or you lose a loved one and that's when people seek help.

I have friends who have private jets and who have amazing cars and like own islands, literally.

Right.

And, but they're so humble and they're giving and they're, they don't make it about showing it off. They make it more about like sharing an experience, sharing it and let me live a lifestyle that inspires you, show you how good I am. And so there's a way that you can approach this. You can still have nice material things and live luxurious, if that's what you want. But if it's just to prove to yourself that you're worthy of something, it's very fleeting.

Just an age thing, though. It's like a younger man, probably person's game. Like in your 20s. You think that's what matters? Maybe.

And then it's so hard because I.

Can'T tell guys if they want to get the first watch and the first car. Here's the thing for women, the designer bag. You know?

Exactly. I mean, it starts with the classroom, the experience. It starts with the athletic experience. When you're on a sports team or you're in a classroom and you're just walking through the halls as a guy, you're gonna see other guys saying things about you or saying things about other people. Or if you're, like, emotional or crying, they're gonna say, stop crying. Stop being a little girl. Or don't be a pussy. Don't be a fag. Don't be whatever the word is that they're saying. If your mom is like, you know what, honey? Today I want you to practice, like, being very giving and open and loving at school. Go in and, like, really be kind to the other kids. And you say, okay, mom, I'm gonna go do that. And you're kind and you're loving, and you see a couple bullies bullying another kid. You're like, hey, guys, don't pick on him. And then they take you and shove you in the locker or do it or beat you up. You're like, okay, this doesn't feel good. And I need to protect myself. I need to arm myself.

That's what men are living with all the time. I totally get that. So these are the masks. Like this, the athlete mask, the material mask, the sexual mask, aggression. Men are using aggression. The joker, the funny guy. Or like, I love hanging out with him. He's a great texter, but takes you a few dates. You're like, but he's so fun. But he said nothing. I know nothing about this guy. I mean, I know all these guys. The invincible, sensible guy, you know?

Yeah.

The guy who's got this, you know, the. Know it all. That's so annoying. Mansplaining kind of mansplain to them. God, the alpha mask. Yeah, they're just the alpha man. I just can't take any of these guys. I see them, but I guess experience.

I've been all these.

Right. I was gonna say every man is right.

Every man, at least. Like, we would lead with, like, a dominant one or two and. Or has. And I'm still aggressive from time to time. I'm still competitive. And we need to win in arguments sometimes. Luckily, I have been working on this for four years for myself, and now it's funny, because I was in the airport last week trying to get somewhere, and I missed my flight, and I literally wanted to punch a wall because I was so furious that of what had happened and I was going to make it about the TSA people and them, like, making me take forever and double all this stuff. And I just felt like they weren't helping me. Like, the customer support there wasn't helping me. And my old way of being would have been like, screaming, making a scene, throwing a fit, punching something, kicking something, a trash can, storming out of there and feeling angry the rest of the day. And so I was like, smile. I was so furious, I wanted to just automatically go to that place. And I just started, like, smiling inside because I was like, isn't it fitting that I'm writing this book about masculinity? And. And here's a great test for me.

How do I want to show up in that moment?

How do I want to show up? Do I want to show up and act like a jerk to this person and to make a scene and make it about me? Or where's the lesson? And can I recommit to my vision of what I want to do right now and who I want to be and walk out of here gracefully and, yeah, it sucks. Yeah. And I did.

And you catch it in that moment, and it might happen.

It's awareness.

Right? It's aware. This is all talk about self awareness.

It's awareness and it's practice. You know, every morning I practice meditation. You don't have to, but you can just practice for five minutes saying, how do I want to show up today when shit hits the fan? So in the morning, I will talk about the things I'm really grateful for and how I want to show up. And I'll say, you know, what if someone cuts me off today? What if someone says something to me? What if someone tweets something negative? What if someone. I feel attacked by someone. How do I want to show up? And I train myself before adversity happens, because it's going to happen almost every day, right?

And for other people, it could be other things. How am I going.

What if my wife says this to Me, how am I going to respond today? As opposed to constantly getting defensive when I smile and give her a hug.

Right.

The alpha mask. If I, you know, it's not the man who is like, can always puff his chest and always be the loudest. The ultimate alpha silverback gorilla. The most impressive one to me is the one that is so big in his energy, graceful and confident with his energy, that when a couple of other monkeys are screaming and fighting, he doesn't have to, like, beat his chest and run up there and like, show how big he is. He can literally just, with his energy, move people away and diffuse the situation and bring peace and harmony back to the moment. Listen, we can be competitive. We can be, like manly, masculine, like aggressive in moments that are okay with that. But when it's hurting other human beings just to prove yourself that you're worthy or something, it's not helping you long term.

No, I can't tell you. I keep thinking of it as the emotionally unavailable umbrella, male umbrella. When people say to me all the time, like, why are there no good men? Why are there no good men? And perhaps men are saying the same things about women. That's fine. What I like about your book, the Mask of Masculinity, is if you guys read this, then you're going to understand why doing the work is going to help you not just in your relationship, but in your job, in your relationship with your family. And if you've always thought, well, I didn't really get what you mean, what kind of work I need to do, like, why or what's gonna drive me there. I think this is gonna help you. And I love that you have advice for women here who deal with men. It can be a sister dealing with a brother. Like, it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, but the kindness for everything. Exactly.

I think that's a great place for men to start. Whether you read the book or not is irrelevant to me. It's just a matter about how are you going to work on yourself so that you can heal. Exactly how are you going to do that? After you're done listening to this, here's something you can do to show you that you're working on yourself. Take out your phone and text someone in your life that inspires you, that makes an impact in your life, or that you appreciate. And text them one to three sentences of why they mean something to you. Something specific about who they are, what they do, your compliments, your words, and send them a nice message. It's like a way of expressing Vulnerability through a text that maybe you don't acknowledge people enough. It's something small to get started and then continue to have a conversation. Find someone. I always say, start by writing the things down that hurt you the most so that maybe you don't want to express it to someone. I think eventually we're gonna have to talk it out and express through our words. But write down those things in your life that really upset you and then ask yourself, why do these upset me? And here's the thing. If you want to be a powerful man, if you want to make the most money in the world, have the best job, get the hottest girl, whatever these things are, if you want these things, then you will.

If you want them and you want to be happy and fulfilled.

Exactly. You will write these down and you'll ask yourself a simple question. Why do these things have power over me? The ultimate human being does not allow for past things to own him, to control and consume his energy and his thoughts. He has power and control over being sexually abused, his parents fighting with him, whatever happened, the girlfriend dumping him. He doesn't allow the past to consume his mind and control him. I think Dr. Martin Luther King said something along these lines. I can't remember specifically what he said, but that he doesn't get angry when people were attacking him or saying racial things about him because he's like, I'm never going to allow that man to have power over me.

Yeah, exactly. It is a choice at every moment.

That's it. You'll learn how to grow into being loving, graceful, and live in harmony.

It's true. Like you're doing right now. Great example.

Trying every day.

I know.

Failing constantly and trying.

We're never done with it, but I think it's a. It's a book that Meg can easily. I don't know. They digest. Get into it. Like I said, everyone needs to do their work, and I think this is the way to do it.

Thank you.

I like it. Okay, I've got five questions for you.

Bring it.

These are the quickie questions. Your biggest turn on.

When a woman sees my dreams and fully supports it, it makes me so turned on.

I got it. It turned you out. Yeah.

When I'm supportive.

Being seen and supported. Okay. Biggest turnoff.

When they get jealous or insecure. When I'm going after my dreams.

Oh, okay.

Cause I'm like, you don't get me. Yeah.

Craziest place you've gotten busy. Unique place.

I don't know. Back of cars, bathroom in a club one time.

Got it.

Not that crazy.

Okay. Sexiest part of your partner's body or anyone's body that you, you know, a woman's body.

My partner's pretty sexy. Just when she bends over, I don't.

Know if she moves me on. Awesome. What's the one thing that you wish you could tell your current or all future partners about your body's needs?

When she connects to my eyes, everything opens up.

So true. Window to the soul and a lot of other things.

I mean, listen, I like when anyone goes down on me, but you know.

Who doesn't like a little blow job now and then. Little blow job. Okay, got it. That was very good. So thank you, Louis. Fabulous having here. This is so fun. It's been a long time in the making.

This was very powerful for me. So thank you for letting me share.

Me too. It was really great. I'm really happy for you. I'd love to see you growing into this man that you are and setting a great example.

Always looking to improve on my flaws.

It's true. Your journey is going to be. Is going to continue to be enlightening and inspiring for so many men and women. Lewis Howes. Check him out. He's Louishouse across the board. And this will all be on the podcast, on the website and all that.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, you can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-talksex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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