7 Dec 2025 · 36 min
In this throw‑back episode of Sex with Emily, Dr. Emily Morse, her producer Jamie, and a series of callers dissect the fantasy of cuckolding (also called hot‑wifery) and related consensual non‑monogamy scenarios such as FFM and MMF threesomes. Emily outlines why the fantasy is common, how to bring it up with a partner, and the practical logistics—communication, consent, boundaries, protection, safe‑words, and after‑care. She stresses that healthy fantasies correlate with healthy sex lives and encourages couples to discuss details in depth rather than dropping vague requests. The episode also covers writing erotic scripts to guide partners (Kenny’s story), navigating strip‑club visits (Michelle’s question), and bisexual identity concerns (Rick’s call). Throughout, Emily and Jamie provide real‑time advice, share personal anecdotes, and reinforce the importance of intentional, pleasure‑focused conversation in long‑term relationships. Key take‑aways: 1. Open, detailed dialogue about fantasies is essential before acting on them. 2. Establish clear boundaries, protection plans, and an exit strategy for any third‑person involvement. 3. After‑care and post‑experience debriefing help maintain intimacy. 4. Writing erotica or scenario scripts can bridge communication gaps and spark mutual excitement. 5. Novel sexual experiences (strip clubs, threesomes, exploring bisexuality) can strengthen bonds when approached with consent and curiosity. 6. Emotional safety—addressing jealousy, abandonment anxiety, and relationship patterns—is as important as physical safety.
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People who have healthy fantasies have a healthy sex life. They're intertwined. And so I think if you can— when I say to you, talk to your partner about your fantasies and you don't know, maybe together you figure out what the fantasy is.
Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day.
You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morse, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's throwback show, I'm discussing the ins and outs of a fantasy that's become a lot more popular lately: cuckolding, or hot wifery as it's called. I share tips to bring up your fantasy with your partner, why people enjoy it, and how you can navigate FFM and MMF threesomes, which is —female, female, male, or male, male, female—how to navigate them and what to consider before you dive into your next sexual fantasy. There's a lot to consider here. I also take your calls and answer questions like how to get over the jitters when you want to go to a strip club with your husband for the first time, and what to do when your partner has extreme separation anxiety when you leave town and it doesn't go well when you get back, and why writing your own erotica can be incredibly hot and help with initiating sex. We're covering a lot today. Oh, and you'll also hear my former producer Jamie chime in every once in a while and join the conversation, which is a fun one. Our intentions with Emily, for each episode, join me in setting an intention. I do it, I encourage you to do the same. You know, what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? What do you want to land with you so you could take it with you? Well, mine is to show you the sexy world of these common fantasies and get you ready for your next sexual adventures. I also have a new article. It's called 3 Ways to Have an MMF Threesome. So check that out at sexwithemily.com. If you want to ask me a question on the show, call my brand new hotline. It's 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5739. Just leave me your questions or just message me sexwithemily.com/askemily. Just include your name, gender identity, location, age, and how you listen to the show. And I'm so cool if you change your name, you know. All right, everybody, enjoy this episode. Gonna break down some fantasies for you, just one tonight. In this continuing education that we do here on the show, it's fun to kind of highlight a fantasy every now and then. So this one is called cuckolding, and it's been around for a very long time. Cuckolding is essentially when a penis owner gets off on seeing their partner have sex with another penis owner, usually one that's larger, and mostly has to do with the humiliation aspect of the other person being able to get more pleasure. So an example might be like, you love seeing your wife having a lot of pleasure, so much so that you wanna see someone else give it to her. Someone that maybe can do it more than you can. Like maybe he's even a greater lover. And there's something about being the observer and not the person involved that just turned you on. There's a certain taboo aspect to it. And maybe your wife's given you the go-ahead and you found someone who agreed to do this. And while the new person is having sex with your wife, you're staring at her, she's staring at you, she's vocalizing how amazing this person is making her feel. So there's, there's some reasons why this is popular. There's something under the umbrella of cuckolding for, for about like fantasies and voyeurism and group sex. That cuckolding, like with your partner, can kind of include all of those things. It's taboo. It is taboo, right? And that's a lot of our fantasies have to do with doing something that we're not supposed to do, right? So for heterosexual couples, that can kind of break the whole non-monogamy thing because monogamy is our standard here. And we all think that we should just be monogamous. Mm-hmm. But to kind of think, well, it's not really cheating, or it's not really, it still is monogamy if I'm in the room and I'm watching. Usually it just means that there is some humiliation, degradation, denial aspect to it, whether it's in our minds or Is that allowed by our partner? 58% of men, it said, have this fantasy and like 20-something percent of women. So it's common. And I thought this, and we've had a lot of calls about this on the show and people even have this fantasy and they feel some guilt about it or shame or that it's really wrong. But the truth is like couples who have actually practiced this have had a healthy sex life and have reported that it actually went down well, it was executed well and there was positive side effects to it. But so first you guys talk about it beforehand. More people than you think have this fantasy, but for some it's a fetish, which means that like you have, it's required each time you have sex. So you gotta discuss it. You gotta be like, it's just a thing I wanna try out, or let 'em know what part of it, like what you think it means to you and how it would go down and setting boundaries and understand why you're asking for it, why you want it the best you can. 'Cause the more you understand it and the more you don't filter yourself, if you actually have gotten up the courage, which I hope you do, to talk to your partner about any fantasy, that's not the time to be like, uh, I wanna try cuckolding. And then like she goes, well, what do you picture? What's the person look like? And you've thought about the man's penis and what it looks like, but at that point you decide to shut down and then you're left her scrambling for the detail. It's like, if you're going to talk about it, talk it through in great detail, in depth. What does it look like to you? Cuz I think this is why a lot of sex conversations with our partners Doesn't go anywhere because we say it. We really need to have more sex. Okay, well what should we do? Well, let's just put it on our calendar and then you don't do anything else. Like there has to be a lot more discussion, a lot more work involved. And don't do it. Listen, you don't wanna do it cuz like, let's spice this up. Let's invite over some dude to have sex with that. No. And make sure that you're always using protection. You guys, you gotta have protection and you gotta have an exit strategy. You wanna have condoms on hand. Make sure the person's joining you has been tested. Have a safe word. All the rules I have for bringing in another person or a few people into your relationship. And like, know what it's gonna look like after. Like, is the person leaving? You have to do some kind of aftercare with your partner to feel more intimate again with each other.
I think that's something that people don't think about enough. Cuz like I've always thought about, so when it's done. Yeah. So what happens next?
You're like, your Uber will be here in 2 minutes.
Yeah. Like how do you, is there a way?
Cuz no, I mean you have to decide.
Yeah, because I guess I've always wondered, like, when we— especially in these kinds of situations, so this is like a couple looking for a third. So obviously the couple are very invested in themselves, and the third is like the person that's coming in to aid in some way. But I always think about, like, how does the third person feel, right?
Well, I think that if you do it in a healthy way, no matter if it's a threesome or cuckolding or swapping, whatever, you have to like talk all of this through. And you want to know the person enough, because here's the thing, Jane, it's different Every time you bring someone in, like let's say there was a third and you all had drinks together before you went to dinner or something you met up before. And you're like, I actually like this person. Maybe it'd be hot to like take a hot tub after and just have a few drinks. And then, you know, tell 'em we don't want sleepovers, but still hang out. Or maybe it's someone that you just met online and, and you talk on the phone. You're like, we're just gonna have you there. And then we're just gonna finish up. And of course then we're gonna continue our evening and you're gonna leave. You're going to leave, like let them know. So I think you gotta break it down.
You talk about it with your partner, but then you also like talk about it with the third person.
Yeah. Like really let 'em know the plan. I think we're not good at that stuff. I think we just are like, well, we got the person here and now we don't know. So I love that you asked that question because that can be awkward if you thought the person was gonna stay for a while for dinner and your husband's like, no, get 'em outta the house.
If I was going to engage in something like this, and I don't know, who knows, but I feel like I would always be that third person. Like I wouldn't be the couple looking for. Yeah. So I would wanna know like, what do I just like, Irish exit, like grab my clothes and leave? Or—
well, this one time, I think it depends. It's one time I hooked up with a couple. I did go home with a couple from the Playboy Mansion.
Um, here's the story, by the way.
It was fun, and I didn't know them, but I went home with them, and we— it ended up being amazing. And I slept in their bed in between them, and then I woke up in the morning. So I—
you slept in between them? Yeah, it was cute. I did. Oh, well, did they— so cuddly. So were they both big spooning you? Or was it like a chain of spoons? Like big spoon, medium spoon, little spoon? It was just around.
It was everything. All the spoons? All the spoons. Well, think of all the options. Usually there's just 2 spoons. When you add a 3rd spoon, the possibilities are endless. So— Oh, that kind of sounds fun.
Yeah. So what if you just had a threesome for cuddling?
Literally, that's all I want. I just wanna invite over all my ex-boyfriends that were good cuddlers this weekend. I'm like, there will be no penis. Just cuddle me, cuddle me, cuddle me. But then they'd want a blowjob. Okay, so the other thing I wanna say about cuckolding before we get back to this is that do not try this at home. Here's this announcement. If you are someone who has a lot of anxiety in your relationship around abandonment issues, you're worried, you know, you, you don't have great communication, acting on a consensual non-monogamous fantasy might not be your jam. It could be a negative experience. When I say that, And when I say you talk about it beforehand, your partner might be like, no. There's different kinds of nos though. There's the like, hey, I wanna watch you have sex with another man. And she's like, ew, no, what do you mean? That's crazy. That's probably gonna happen unless you sit down, you explain it, you talk about why it's hot to you, why it turns you on. Like you need to do some work on your own before you bring it up. But then once they think about it, you walk it through and then there could still be a, mm, I don't think I could handle it. I think I'd be too jealous or I think it would be. So these are all the kind of conversations you have to have.
Oh, okay. Yeah. 'Cause I mean, I figure maybe that's really what it is. People are like, so we never talked about sex. And then I brought up our sex life and I was like, I want you to fuck another man. Boom. I would be like, hold on. Yeah.
Yeah. Boom. Exactly. This is the problem. This is not like, hey, we've never talked about our sex life in 22 years. Would you mind having sex with the gardener? He's hot. Oh my God. Although I would, my gardener is hot. I swear to God. He can't be like, you know what would really help? He has to say, "Let's pay." I really, this is what I was gonna say to Tim is that, and everyone who's been in a relationship where you've never talked about it. I gotta put this out there. Love our sex life. Love you. You're beautiful. You're amazing. Our sex life's awesome. I've been listening to this show. What she's taught me is that like sex doesn't get great. Sex isn't actually even gonna work unless we prioritize it and we talk about it. And I've never been in a relationship, babe, that I've talked about it. Have you? No, you neither? Okay, cool. We're in the same place. And I don't even know what that really looks like, 'cause I love you and sex is great, but we gotta get on the same page with it. We gotta prioritize it. And I wanna find out like what turns you on? Like, do you have any fantasies you wanna share with me? Do you ever think about being with another woman? Have you thought about that? Have you thought about having sex outdoors? Like, let me know. And she's like, well, yeah. Or, and then you just start having it. You're like, I wanna prioritize it. So that's it. And then you could even do a thing where you say, let's swap a bucket. Let's make a bucket list. Let's each write down 3 things that we wanna try in the bedroom and swap that list. That's a great place to start. And then you keep talking about it, keep talking. And then you're like, you know what? One that I didn't have on the list, now that we're getting all frisky and we're getting more sexual and we're opening up and we're prioritizing our pleasure and we realize that sex has unlimited potential and that not only can our friendship get better in this 25-year relationship, but it's actually possible for our sex life to get better in 25, 30, 40, 50 years if we just talk about it and prioritize it. What I want is to cuckold. That's when you bring it up. You, you build it. You don't just drop it, but it doesn't take long. You guys, it's okay if it's been 20 years or 10 years or even 6 and you've never talked about it. You can start tonight when you're driving home. You can have that exact conversation and say, gee, I don't know, it's some way, but it works, I guess. Even if you wanna do it preventively, cuz you, you know, it's great now, but like you see what happens to people who don't talk about it, bring it up.
Tell me you wouldn't put it on the initial sexual bucket list. You like, you're like start basic.
Do not put it on the initial bucket list is what I'm gonna— for most people, if they've, cause most people don't know cuckolding. They don't.
They would be like, what?
All right, I'm gonna take a quick break, but when I come back, I'm talking to Sheila who says her husband just turns into a jerk every time she goes out of town and doesn't know what to do. We'll be right back.
Okay, let's talk to Sheila. She's 41 in Colorado, and her husband's being a jerk. She doesn't know what to do about it.
I hate that. Hey Sheila, thanks for calling. Hi, how are y'all? Good. So good. Okay, tell me everything.
Okay, I went on vacation for 9 days with my son. We had a great time, everything was awesome. Came home and, you know, did my unpacking, getting ready for school to go rolling again, and, you know, just everything. So Sunday, got home After the whole day was over, I got all my stuff done, you know, got in the shower, got myself all nice and shaved. I was like ready to roll with my hubs, and we had the most amazing night. And then today he's like being a total dickwad, and I'm so over it. Like, he's being a jerk. All right, being a jerk and just like going on with— I'm like, dude, we had a blast Sunday night.
Okay, Sheila, wait, hold on. So you were gone for 9 days with your son without your husband? Mm-hmm. Okay. So you came back and the first time you saw him, which was last night or the other night, right? Sunday night, you said you had amazing sex. You had amazing sex. And oh my God, it was great. Great. Great. Because you guys, it's like, that's like the chemistry. That's the bonding thing. Like you had to do that. It was like eating. Like you had to have great sex. Oh yeah. 'Cause you've been separate. But mm-hmm, it sounds like there's the— now he's like, okay, we got that outta the way. Something happened. Is he being a jerk in a way that he's not been a jerk before?
No, he kind of does this almost every time we go on vacation. But I'm at this point right now, 'cause I went with my best friend on vacation with her kids. Kids and my kids, and we had a blast, and it was all awesome. And he's planning a vacation on his own. We do stuff together too, don't get me wrong, but like, this was just happened to be— it worked out. And I kind of feel weird and used, and I feel like something's going on. I don't— we live in tiny, tiny town, so I know he's not like messing around on me. I know that's not the thing.
Has this happened? Right, exactly. Wait, has this happened Has this happened every time you go away? Pretty much.
It's either while I'm away he turns into a total weirdo when I come home, or before.
What's his love language? Do you know his love language is?
Is his love language quality time? No, his love language is— honestly, he's just a selfish little man.
Well, here's the thing, I'm just wondering— I love him so much. I know you do.
Selfish. And he is It's just all—
how long have you guys been together?
We've been together for 17 years. Oh, okay.
So it sounds like, it sounds like there's some needs that might need to be filled when you're gone. And he needs some extra attention right now because you were gone for 9 days. And he might know how to tell you that he needs that from you. And he might get bummed out when you leave. And maybe his quality— maybe he— listen, when he craves time with you, even though you've been together for that, for so many years, 17 years, like, like He, right. That's a big change. Like to be gone for 9 days, the house is full with you and your son and then you're gone. So he's having a reaction to that. And he needs something that like most of us, we don't articulate the things that what's going on, what he needs. He might not even know what he needs. And maybe he just needs some extra time with you. Like just the two of you, something special. That's just about, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, it sounds like if this, I mean, what I love here is that there's a pattern. You didn't call me before the trip and say he was being a jerk.
I needed to hear this. Yeah. I'm going to the grocery store right now. 'Cause I was like, I'm going to the store.
I'm like, done with this. Oh, it just happened. Okay, perfect. Listen, you gotta go back.
I wanna fight with him about it. Yeah.
Okay, well he doesn't even know either. He's probably cranky. You were gone. You missed whatever. We don't know what it is, but go back. I'm glad you're leaving. 'Cause you can, now you can go back and breathe. You can breathe in the car on the way home. Like deep breaths, like 4 in, 4 out. Inhale, exhale. Like then that resets. And then it's going to be like, you know what? I don't wanna fight this. Like, I'm so happy you're back. Like, let's just tell me what you need right now. And if he says, I don't know, just don't tell me. Try to have a different kind of conversation where you're listening and just kind of, you know him well enough. If you let him talk and let him figure out what it is that he needs. Yeah, you gotta listen. You gotta listen. I know we don't do that and I don't listen enough either. I get it. We gotta listen. I mean, I listen to you. It's my job, but otherwise I don't listen to anyone. So I just listen to you all. You're lucky. So yeah, you got it, Sheila. I feel you. It's a pattern. I see it. Listen. And then they literally call me back. Cause I think that's what it is. And then he'll figure it out and then you'll be fine. And you'll actually have a breakthrough, I think too. Because it's going to be a different— it's not going to be one thing.
Any intimacy tonight?
What'd you say? Intimacy?
I said, should I try to intimacy?
I think don't lead with that, because then you'll never have the conversation that you need to have with him. Yes, of course, you know, he's your husband. If you want to have sex with him after 17 years, 2 nights in a row, yes, have sex with him tonight, have sex with him tomorrow night. I'm not gonna never tell you not to have sex unless you're in pain. Okay. All right.
I love you, girl.
I love you too, Sheila. Thank you.
Thanks for talking it out with me. Yeah, girl, that's what I'm here for.
Seriously, that makes Yeah, bye Sheila, thanks for calling. Let us know what happens.
Okay, let's talk to Kenny. He's 34 in Arizona and he called in about a month ago about his fantasies and he wants to report how it went after telling his wife.
Hey Kenny, this is what I'm talking about. Hi, hi Emily.
My wife and I had good sex, but you know, you can always make sex better. So, um, I went out on a limb and I bought her a vibrator for Christmas and And then I called in about a month ago and told you that I was, uh, writing down all these, uh, fantasies that I had.
Yes.
Oh, and I told my wife about it and she asked to read the book.
Okay. That I've been writing. Okay.
And, um, I come home from work the other day and I, I, I see her how I present it and everything, and I'm like, oh my God, I know what to do from here now. And it was amazing.
Like, she was set up.
Any of this would have happened if you—
if I didn't listen to you.
Oh, Kenny, I'm so happy. That's amazing. She, she wrote it. You wrote her? I remember this. Yeah, it was the best thing ever. I was the one— every man to be like, every person, human, write down your fan. It's so hot. If you're a writer, are you—
even if you're not, just— yeah, I wrote about 20 different, you know, things that I just had in my mind. And I, like I said, I come home from work and she's— I mean, it just played out verbatim, like everything that I had. You got to tell me what happened, Kenny.
Either you're gonna have to read part of it right now, which I actually want to hear it if you have some on you. I do, I'm not kidding, Kenny. You can call back, pick a chapter. Um, but, or tell me what the scenario is if you don't mind, because you keep saying she was like— was she like on the bed waiting for you, you know? What was the scenario that you knew that that meant she's down for sex right now?
So I get home and I walk in and she's kind of like propped up on the— in the corner of the couch on a sectional and everything. And she's wearing a black lace bra with black lace panties and her hair's down and it's over her chest and it's kind of just covering her breasts a little bit and everything. And she's just got this seductive look. In her, in her eye. And there's, uh, you know, the ambiance is there, the candles are going, there's music in the background, which kind of threw me off when I walked in the door, right?
Because she's never done this before. How long have you guys been— yeah, you guys have been together how long?
We've been together for going on 9 years, been married for 6.
Okay, so you had written about like her sitting on the couch wearing black—
wearing— yeah, wearing black lingerie and everything. So it started out on the couch. It started out with foreplay, then sex started out on the couch, and then we moved from sex into, into the bedroom. And in this scene, I guess I— you call it, uh, I wrote about how she got her vibrator out, and then there was like mutual masturbation going on, and it was so hot. Oh my God. This is genius.
This is the most genius way anyone's ever gotten their partner to use vibrator because you made it hot. You wrote about it and you had bought it for her 4 months ago and she never took it out of the drawer. And, oh, keep going. This is good, you guys.
She studied this.
She studied it.
Like I said, Emily, she, she didn't miss a step that I wrote.
Wow, that's, that's really hot.
Even after, like, the, after the mutual masturbation, she reaches under her pillow and grabs a pair of handcuffs.
Wow, was that in the story too? Yeah, that was all part of it and everything. She did the whole thing. Wow, and it was hot for both of you.
Everything that I read out. Yeah, it was amazing. And then afterwards, when we're just both completely exhausted, we actually talked about it.
Wow, about how great she said—
and about how great it was and that how much fun it was.
Hmm, it was fun. It wasn't that hard, right? Like, right, it was fun. You guys got to play together again. You did something different than, you know, rolling— whatever was happening before this, probably just—
yeah, I mean, we, we just, you know, like, it definitely wasn't that. No, before, it would— like, 98% of the time, I was always the one who had to initiate sex. Yeah. And everything. And, and I you know, if that's the way it was gonna be, then, you know, okay, I'm fine with that. But I told her, you know, it's okay for you to want to have sex with me, right? You know, yes, we want— we both want—
she didn't know how to initiate it, so you, you gave her the plan, you gave her the tools, you like wrote it up, a story, and she could have— then she was like, yeah, I actually agree, that's hot. I think a lot of us just— we all just want to know what to do. We all just want goddamn instructions. How do I initiate sex? What is a turn-on? What feels good? How do I give good oral? Like, we just want instructions. Manual, and essentially you wrote out what felt good to you. And now I'm hoping, Kenny, like, she has permission now to figure out what her fantasies are. I mean, that maybe that was part of her fantasy, you know, who knows. You guys probably talked about this, right?
And, and I, I told her, if there's, if there's stuff that, you know, if you have your fantasies and everything, you can, you know, we can swap this and turn this all around again.
Yeah, I think it's a whole new world. I mean, that's—
it is. And Before you came on the air, there wasn't a lot of this like sex talk and everything. I was, to a degree, I was a little intimidated by my wife. I was like, well, what if she doesn't want sex tonight but I really want sex and everything? I'm not gonna force it on her because that's just rude, right? You know, so it was kind of like, okay, do I do this? Do I not do this? Or— and everything, I was too much in my head.
Yeah, exactly. We're— that's our head is our worst. We all cockblock ourselves, you know, essentially. We're in our heads. We really do. We are all in our heads, Kenny. You're so right. You're like, you wanna be a good husband and you don't wanna force it. So, so that's what was going on pre-Sex with Emily when you started listening, right? Yep. Is that so you had been married and it was just kind of like you were nervous to come home and what's gonna happen. And then you were, it was good. You were having it once or twice a week or she wasn't initiating and yeah. Now look at you, Christian Grey, Kenny.
Yeah. And it was, yeah. Yeah. So I mean, it was 50 Shades of Kenny.
Thank you, Kenny. This is so inspiring. I hope, I hope everyone's inspired by this. Go write it down, share it. And she was cool. Yeah. Thank you, Kenny. That was, Kenny's my hero. That was amazing. So Kenny called in a month ago, about a month ago, a month ago. And he's like, I don't know what to do. He started listening to the show in November. Never heard anyone talk about sex. He was in a relationship like you. Most of you were in a relationship, were like, ah, sex, it's good. We're doing it. I love my wife. I love my husband. Love my partner. But it's okay. And then he started hearing me talk about it. And then he thought, well, I'll buy her a vibrator for Christmas. So he buys her, and I might butcher some of this, but he bought her a vibrator for Christmas. He did. And he calls in a month ago and he says, Emily, I don't know what to do. I bought her a vibrator. She's not using it. And you know, I'm trying to spice it up. And so I decided, you know, I'm gonna write it out. And he started writing fantasies like erotica. And then I think at the point when he called, had he just given it to her or he wasn't sure what to do? I think he was asking, Do I just give them to her? And I said, I think you don't just land it. I don't think you just say like, here you go. I didn't know it was a novel at the time. I think you just first open up and say, you know what? I really wanna talk about our sex life and make it like all the things I tell you all, make it great. And I guess she probably said, yeah, I'd love to read what you wrote. And then she had some fuel and ammunition. She had some instructions. She had some guidance. She knew how sex works. That in a way, this is why everyone loved Fifty Shades of Grey, for example. Erotica is totally underrated. I think, and there's not enough of it because, and you could write your own, you guys, no one's caring about your spelling errors. Even if you're a great writer, no one cares. Like you could speak it out into your phone. And, but what I'm saying is that Fifty Shades of Grey, it wasn't that it was an amazing, you know, well-written book or novel masterpiece. It was that women were reading it on their own and they were hearing things and reading words about being, you know, many women have fantasies, the feminine fantasy to be, submissive in the bedroom. Not that we wanna be locked up and used, sometimes we do. We wanna be spanked, but we want someone to be dominant over us. And so in that book, that happened, you saw how it could all happen. It was very romantic and it was just accessible on, I think it was the first book erotic on the iPad or whatever it was that you could hide it. But people got into it and it was words. Brain is the largest sex organ. And so when we're just coming home to our partners night after night and we're like trying to figure it out, you want our partner to initiate, we don't know what to do. A lot of times your partner's not initiating or they're holding back 'cause we're in our heads were worried. So Kenny, he had to do all the initiating, and he was worried that he had to do it wrong and still in his head anyway. So there's a lot of responsibility often on one partner over the other. The other one's just worried that they're not, and one's worried that they're doing it wrong. We're all fucking in our heads. We are putting ourselves in this sex crisis dungeon. Yeah.
And I think the cool part about Kenny's situation is that he wrote it as kind of like about him and his wife. Yeah, exactly. So she was able to read it and literally put herself into that situation and think about it from her own imagination. Because I think with some people who don't prefer watching porn is 'cause they don't find the right kind of porn and then it's hard for them to see the people and then put themselves in that place. Yeah, thank you, Jamie.
He was like, wear that black underwear and bra and put your hair in front of your breasts. And I picture coming, walking in the door and you're sitting on our couch very specifically. And then we go up into the bedroom and there's ears handcuffed. And it was her, their names in it. So she didn't have to think, worry that she wasn't blonde or she wasn't particularly skilled in some place. It was about the two of them, which I think that fantasy, you guys, is so healthy. It's actually, people who have healthy fantasies have a healthy sex life. They're intertwined. And so I think if you can, when I say to you, talk to your partner about your fantasies and you don't know, this would also be a great jumping off point with Kenny to say, Maybe you write it with your partner together. Why don't you guys, if you guys are that kind of couple and you don't know, maybe together you figure out what the fantasy is. Mm-hmm. I'm just trying to come up with ways to use it, to Kenny-ize it. After the break, Michelle wants to know what to think about before she takes her husband to a strip club. Don't go away. I'll be right back. All right.
Should we take this email?
Yes. I've been wanting to read this. Okay.
So this is from Michelle, 50, in Wisconsin. Dear Emily, I'm happily married to my husband for almost 30 years and want to take him to a strip club where we'll both get lap dances. We've discussed this for a few years, so why not actually do it? I have gone before but never had a lap dance, and I always end up feeling uncomfortable because there's not that many female spectators. I'm not into women, but I think it could still be a turn-on. I feel bad for the women working there, etc. How can I get past that and just have fun?
Oh, okay. I like this question. Okay, Michelle, it sounds like you guys have a really great relationship and I love that you've been talking about it and you wanna do it together. I think that's great. Here's the thing. Go to a strip club. Think of it like an experience. Like they're there to make money. They make money by getting lap dances. If you could just be connect, be as connected with your partner, your husband as possible when you get there and just enjoy it and just not worry cuz you're in your head, what are people gonna think? And you, you know, you're the spectators there. No one there is looking at you going, look at that. Everyone at a strip club, is there, believe me, if they are looking at anything, it is not you getting a lap dance. They're looking at the women, they're looking at the dances, they're like, it is not about you. So that's one place where I think you could let yourself just get into this really fun, new experience that you've never done in 30 years. These are the kinds of things that can truly spice up a relationship. One thing like this, and then you guys could try something else. So the next time you have sex, you'll be talking about it in the bedroom. So, and I don't think you should feel bad for the women working there. I mean, these days, you know, she, a lot of strippers, I know, and dancers, um, it doesn't have the same like connotations as it used to. There's a lot of different reasons, but most people I know dance and they look back at those years when they were doing it as like fond years. They made the choices, they made good money, and then they get out of it, or they're in forever and it's a beautiful way to express themselves. I think you can't know. You can't know, and you can't bother yourself with— I think that this is probably one of the things that you probably do in your sex life overall, and you're probably— you're a pleaser, I'm sure, and you're like a very caring woman with an open heart, and you're worried about everyone else around you but your own pleasure. So you guys need to go to the strip club and relax Have a couple drinks. Just get into your body with your husband and have fun with it. Wear that sexy thing that you haven't worn in a while that you've been kind of holding onto. You've been waiting for a night, you know, do you, because let me tell you this, couples who try new things together and play together, they always say couples who play together stay together. And it's true because what I mean by that is like, you guys need the novelty to keep yourselves connected. And when you do something novel in a relationship, whether it's skydiving or going to a strip club or, you know, cooking together, that's all gonna fire those same love hormones, chemicals, and the sex chemicals that are gonna connect you, the bonding. And it's gonna be thrilling, the dopamine. And so that's what you need. And this is kind of, I love that you're a little nervous about it, but let's just get you out of your head and into the moment that there's no risk. You're going for a night and then you're gonna laugh at him. So what if you really like it? And then you go home and you guys can talk about it in bed and it becomes like your dirty talk. It becomes like, remember that time we went? And then maybe you'll go back or maybe you'll learn how to, uh, give him a lap dance. That's really hot to like learn. That's what I was doing in those strip dance, the, the Sheila Kelly who does the dance workshops for women. They teach you how to, it's all women, but they teach you how to move and be in your body. It's made of like the S-curve of your body and learning just how to walk and talk and feel sexy. And so that's what it's about, like being in your body and being in the moment. And it's hot to give your partner a striptease, give them a lap dance.
Mm-hmm. You don't have to be perfect.
Just, they're gonna appreciate the gesture and something different. This is another great thing to practice on your own. Mm-hmm. Like give yourself a lap dance. Like when you're at home and I'm telling you, look in the mirror and like be sexy and look at yourself. Like how would you move? How would you dance? Yeah.
I don't think you should dry run. Don't dry.
Yeah. Don't dry run. Don't dry run. Cause then you'll get in your head and feel, feel insecure about it. Practice.
Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Take the, those notes, you know, just like little mental notes of, of what they're doing on stage or on the lap dance and be like, ooh, I liked what she did when she was moving that way. Let's see how it looks like. Yeah. Yeah, take it, take it into the bedroom and exactly do it when she's getting the lap dance.
Kind of be like, oh, what's she doing here? That feels good. Because really a lot of it is a feeling thing and what to do in the moment. So I think the more into it you can be and the more turned on you are in the moment, the more your husband will be, and it's going to be an awesome night, Michelle. So let us know how it goes there in Wisconsin. Let's talk to Rick in Ohio. Hi, Rick, what's going on? Thanks for calling.
Not much. I, I just want to say that I am— I, I definitely am attracted to both sexes, but I, I feel like I'm leaning more towards men.
Is it possible to be, you know, absolutely sometimes bisexual? Is real? Yeah, I mean, you can be attracted to men, women, all genders, and sexuality is a spectrum.
It's a spectrum. I've definitely been— I definitely have been with men, and I really enjoy being with men, but I mean, I, at the same time, I'm attracted to women, but I, I feel more comfortable sometimes too around men.
Yeah, I think that that's totally, you know, fine. People think, oh yeah, there's— I think what you're alluding to is that people think there's no such thing as being bisexual. But like, how could you tell a whole group of people that they don't exist? It's not a phase, it's not a thing. And I think that there's a lot of people who, who are bisexual and they just go through a lifetime of repressing it because they don't understand how you could be attracted to all genders. They might be attracted to trans people, they might— to everyone. So yeah, Rick, is it— has it been a a problem for you, or you're just wondering about the labels here? Well, no, it hasn't really been a problem.
I mean, like, for instance, I've been with a guy now for, you know, a good 8 to 9 years, but at the same time too, if I'm watching something like Dancing with the Stars, or, or if there's an attractive girl on a commercial I find attractive, you know, I mean, I, I'm not gonna dance around and not look, but I mean, um, no, it hasn't been a problem, and I'm not really into labels or anything, but I think sometimes I feel like I you know, catch myself doing a double glance at times with both genders.
That's great that you allow yourself to do that. You know, people just don't, and in fact, there's a lot of men who are attracted to men, and they— you probably know these guys— and they feel such shame around it that they end up becoming, you know, homophobic. They end up hating themselves, so then they hate others who are gay. So, you know—
I'm not like— I mean, I've—
Yeah, no, I'm glad. I'm saying you're a good example, Rick, of men— of a man who's being totally honest with yourself, you know?
Even at home, like, I've got you know, a Playgirl magazine, but yet I've got a Playboy magazine. I mean, I've got, you know, I enjoy looking at both from time to time.
Yeah, to me, I think that means that you are open and, you know, think about it, if everyone was paying attention to their bisexuality or that they could be, that sex is a spectrum, just like gender isn't binary, you know, our biology, and so that's true that, you know, isn't either, that sex exists on the spectrum, but I think that that's what Kinsey talked about is that sex is a spectrum and a lot of us women are more likely to be on the, you know, 4 or 5s when you think that one is straight. So, but I think that now that we're giving people permission, we're giving people permission that they were more open. So yeah, what'd you say, Rick?
Have women been a little bit more open about that over the years? Are there more women that are more like that, or just—
I think that women are more openly— women tend to be more bisexual. We tend to hear about it more. They tend to act on it more. There's— because I believe there's less of a stigma. And you're seeing it more in culture and it's just more accepted overall. It's more visible, but men don't see this. Men don't see it as much, right? That you can be bisexual.
I think women have been that way for years though, right?
I think that men and women have always existed on spectrum sexually, but I think there's more permission given to women and there's more celebration of women being bisexual than men. But I think it's always been the case, but I think for many men, they just they just keep it down and they're so afraid of the repercussions. And our society says that if you're bisexual, you're just gay. So that's not fair for men. Yes, you're absolutely right. That is the stigma is there for men and not for women.
I totally agree. I think maybe that might have been my original question. I just didn't know how to ask that.
Yeah. Okay. That's it. Yeah, that's it. That, that, but I don't, I think that now we give people more permission. This is why Rick, this is such a great, I love that you're calling in, but I think if you really give people permission to expand their minds and to think about it, that people could kind of go try something out, dabble in experiencing things sexually with the other gender. But I don't think it's as random as you guys are. Yeah, okay, same gender, same gender.
Exactly. Okay, I get that. Yeah, okay, cool. I experiment it and I enjoy it and I like it.
It's a lot of fun. Yeah, good. Well, I'm glad that you found that and you're with a partner who's understanding, as we all should be. I want that for everybody. My biggest thing is I love sucking penises.
It's just great. Yeah, me too.
But yeah, I've dabbled too with women, you know, so, but that's, you don't have to give it up. Here's the thing. If we could be more open about this thing and we could be more open about what we're actually attracted to and we didn't talk about like gender and we just were attracted to what we were attracted to, you know, now we call it like pansexual people who are more open to anything. They're just attracted to whatever they might be attracted to, to whoever, whatever gender. And I think that's the way to live, and I think that's where we're going now, Rick. I think that in society, much to much people's disappointment, many people don't— won't be— this won't be a popular statement, but I think that now that there's more permission and there's more information and there's more education around, you know, sexuality being a spectrum and about gender not being binary, our sexuality is not, you know, binary either. And so I think that just allowing people to see that it's okay, be attracted to what you want, who you want, and just be honest and be open about it, that we would then— it would give others permission. Just like me talking— you talking about this right now, Rick, I promise you, is giving some other people permission to feel better about their own choices sexually. Or maybe there's some people who have felt like they don't want to come out, and now by hearing this, they're— they want to. They're thinking, okay, well, Rick's doing it, Rick's open, I'm okay. Yeah, thank you, Rick. Thanks for calling. I appreciate it. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. We release 2 to 3 episodes a week. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all @sexwithemily. If you want to ask me a question about sex, dating, or relationships, you can email me feedback@sexwithemily.com. Sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com/askemily. And check out my website. We have so many articles on there helping you better sex, and you can check out our guides at sexwithemily.com/guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities. Sign up for our weekly emails because, hey, I've been told I give really good emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.