Best Of: The Break-Up Break Down

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh, my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God.

Feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexemily.com where you can watch and listen to the show. You know, you can watch this. If you're listening, you can watch a video. It's very exciting. It's me talking to camera. Hello. Hello. And today's show is about breakups. The breakup Bible. We have the author, Rachel Sussman on the show. It's the guide to healing from a breakup or divorce. I thought this would be relevant. A lot of our listeners break up, right? They get in relationships, they break up. I've been gone through breakups. So we're gonna talk about that. We've got sex the news and we're reading your emails that you sent to feedbackexthomely.com youm can follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. Sex with Emily and menacewhitemenace. All those places too.

Everything.

Everything. How you doing, Menace?

I'm good. I had an amazing weekend. Yeah, I went and saw Hunger Games.

Yeah, that was cool. Was it good?

Yeah. I haven't seen you for a while.

I miss you. I know, I know, right? Well, I'm gonna get all into my Vegas trip on a Friday show, but. Okay, not right now. But I'm gonna tell you that today's show is brought to you by Krave.

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So anyway, yeah, here I am. So the guy I've been dating has been out of town and I've been spending lots of Time with my dog and she sleeps on my pillow and it's really cute and I kind of don't really miss him that much. I just, like, love my dog. Is that sad and wrong?

That's weird. I actually got a text message from another show today, and a listener was like, oh, yeah, there was this girl I was dating, but her pit bull slept in the bed with her and her. Her bed stank like the dog.

So my dog's little and not stinky.

Your dog stinks.

Just because she farted on you once doesn't mean she stinks all the time.

She is foul.

Don't be mean about my dog, okay? I don't appreciate it.

Dog is foul.

So, yeah, so that's what's going on. And we've stuff going on with the website and changes and if you check out our site, see what you think. If you've got any suggestions to the show, any guests you want to hear, topics you want to hear about, you can always email us@feedbackexwithemily.com it's funny, we.

Had a topic last week about. What was it last week? My mind is all over the place. About deal breakers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

My friend heard it and he's like, oh, yeah, back in the 90s, you know, coupons were big. Well, they've had a resurgence. But he's like, yeah, I try to take this girl to Black Angus and be all nice and stuff like that, but I busted out a coupon and she made fun of me.

We totally didn't even mention that one. That's a bad deal breaker.

A coupon.

We've talked about this in the past. If you got a coupon, you can slip it to the waitress when the person's not looking. But slipping a coupon when you're on a date is a total deal breakup.

You would totally slip a coupon.

I would. I'm a Jew. We like coupons. But seriously. Yeah, that was a fun show. The breakup show. Everyone should listen to it. It was last week at the breakup show, the deal breaker show. That's one of my favorite topics because we posted on our Facebook page. We got so many responses in Twitter because people got a lot of deal breakers, things that piss them off. And I think that we can all learn from that. Like, oh, shit, I'm the one who talked on my cell phone during the meal. That's a deal breaker or whatever.

Yeah, but it's a coupon. A deal breaker for you.

If a guy brings a coupon, I just think, why?

Because he's still paying for the meal.

I know, but you're like, oh, it'd.

Be a deal breaker if. If he went Dutch on the meal. But now since the guy's like, saving a couple bucks, you're still making a big. A deal breaker. That's not fair.

Can it be more surreptitious about it and, like, slowly, like, like quietly slip it to the waitress? Like, I just don't think you should whip it.

But if you, if you seen the coupon, then it's just. It just off the table.

Yeah, don't.

Really?

Yeah. Save your coupon for the night out with your buddies.

That doesn't reflect good on you. Just FYI.

Why I don't want a guy. I don't know. First date, maybe if we've been dating for a while.

Digger.

Ish.

Listen to me. First date, not a good idea. If we've been dating for a while and he's like, babe, got this great coupon. Let's go to this fun restaurant. I'm down. But first date, not good. That just says you're like, cheap or something. Even though coupons. I use coupons. I love coupons. You just want the first date. You don't want to be like, oh, he's using a coupon on me. I'm not good enough for the full price.

I have gift cards to Taco Bell.

I'll bet you do. Do they send you them because you always complaining about Taco Bell?

No, I'm never complaining about Taco Bell.

Not complaining. But you want that famous taco back from the 80s or something.

It was from 1997. It was called the Four Alarm Double Decker Taco. And they have yet to bring it back, but that's besides the point.

How did you get. You've like, coupons for Taco Bell? What are they for? $2, and you can buy 100 tacos.

And like $20 worth of taco Bell. And I'm really excited about it.

Oh, I want to go with you.

Do you?

No.

Why not?

Taco Bells. You sick? No. I was a cocktail waitress in college at University of Michigan, and I was a cocktail waitress for four years. And they had a Taco Bell in like, a little Taco Bell counter. So we got Taco Bell at 2am when the bar closed every night. And I've never been able to eat Taco Bell since. I mean, then it was good because we were always drinking on the job too. So we were drunk and eating Taco Bell at 2am and I'm just kind of over it. I've never been able to go back to Taco Bell, sorry to say. So that's how it is. But I've got a little bit of sex in the news for us here, if you'd like to hear it. Free plastic surgery for Brazil's poor. It sounds like something Marie Antoinette might say. If they're going to beg, they can at least be nice to look at. Free Botox and laser hair removal, free chemical peels and anti cellulite treatments may at first seem shockingly frivolous in a country like Brazil, which, despite great economic growth in recent years, still battles extreme poverty and diseases. But the philosophy behind the more than 220 clinics that treat the poor beauty is a right. And the poor deserve to be ravishing, too. Wow. I want to go there and get some Botox.

Brazil has some of the most beautiful women in the world.

I know. And now even the poor are even more beautiful than ever.

God damn Brazil. I just heard it's very dangerous to visit there.

Why? Oh, dangerous, dangerous, like not safe for.

Your world, for a traveler.

Right.

But I would love to go there.

I was there once. It was amazing. Okay. One in five would give up sex rather than the Internet. A Global survey of 20,000 people found out what modern man will forego in order to keep his Internet at the top of the list. Booze, chocolate, and sex. 73% would give up alcohol to go online. But while only 10% of people would want to give up their car, 12% would give up coffee. And a resounding 20% would give up sex over an Internet connection. But the top of the list, 73% would give up alcohol. That's amazing. Only 20% sex, though, so that's not that high. I wouldn't give up sex, but when I want to get online, I want to get online. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. I wouldn't give up any of that for sex.

No.

No.

Okay. Well, that's what people would say. You wouldn't give up any of that for sex. You wouldn't give up anything.

I wouldn't give it up saying, oh, I'll give up the Internet so I can have sex.

People love these stories. There's always like, would you give up. Would you rather have a new pair of jeans or sex. And women always choose jeans. Or would you have a chocolate bar or sex.

No, no, no. I'd rather have sex than any of that stuff.

Oh, good, honey, I don't really care. I'm glad to hear that.

The only reason I'm on the Internet so much is for work. It's just building a network. That's all I can.

Except for on the weekends when you're Instagramming and tweeting all weekend.

It's fun. Yeah.

I don't find it as fun as you do.

You don't?

No.

I don't know. The tweeting and the.

I spark a lot of conversations because I reply back to people. You just.

I reply back. Not to every single person, but I reply back. I don't have time on Twitter, on Facebook.

You do.

You don't see me respond.

Well, you can't unless I'm following that person, so.

Okay. No, no, I do. I do. It's part of the biz. Katy Perry Botches Brazen Hookup Attempt the single Siren probably thought it was a good idea passing out a phone number to the various cute studs she spotted at the Chi Chi Oscar parties, including Elton John's annual bash. But Ms. Siren scheme backfired big time. Friends have reported that Katie got calls from a lot of creeps and drunks after the guys she gave her number to were passing it on to the other guys.

What?

So she gave her number to some hot prospects and they were like, hey, you want to call Katy Perry? I feel like kind of a loser. Some drunk guy calls you. Yeah.

Is this really Katie Baron?

Really got your number? Yeah. Yeah. That suck. Any other news that you got on your TMZ reports?

Nothing like sexual really is going on. Did you see last week that Kim Kardashian?

Yes.

All the powder on her?

Yeah.

What was that about? Just because she was wearing fur. Yeah.

But I don't really ever see her wear fur.

I guess she was. And they threw powder on her.

She wasn't wearing fur right then.

She wasn't.

I thought she was some crazy chick poured powder on her, which I guess it was flour. I found out.

Okay.

And said called her a fur hag.

Wow. Yeah, I mean, I'm wearing a faux fur today, but that's. You know, most people wear faux furs. I mean, I couldn't even afford a real fur, but not that I would buy one at all. Okay, we've got some emails from the peeps. So thanks everyone for emailing us@feedbackexwithemily.com you can also email us right through the website and stuff like that. Okay, so. Hi, Emily. I'm wondering if you have any suggestions about my problem. I'm 41 and my girlfriend is 50 and I'm extremely attracted to her. But when we get into Bed. I can only perform a little at a time and often lose my erection. I don't understand this since I'm able to stay hard while enjoying porn, but I'm not able to go all the way when making love to her. Please help. Any suggestions will be appreciated. Although also I do finish when she performs oral. But like I said, when we start actually having sex, I have a problem. Thanks, Kenneth from Nebraska. So I'm wondering, did this problem just start? You've been together, your girlfriend's 50, you're very attracted to her. So I'm not sure if this is. A lot of times when men lose their erections, it's like kind of something psychological happens when they're going inside there. And maybe it happened once and so it's happening again. And so if you could get out of your head literally, and just kind of focus on the sensations that you're feeling, it might not happen. Like, I really feel that if it happens once to a guy or a woman, something happens sexually that we keep thinking in our mind that it's going to happen again. So. But you should also get checked out by your doctor. You could. There are some pills you could take. You could take Viagra. I don't always go towards the pills as the first thing, but I would get checked out. I would ask your doctor, see if anything else is going on. But the fact that you can stay hard during porn leads me to believe that it is more of a psychological issue. There's a book that I always talk about called the Multi Orgasmic man and that really helps men. If you read this book, you could probably download it for your Kindle or something too, or your iPad or wherever people read books these days. And you can check out the book. I think that would be really helpful. But I mean, at least you're finishing. When she performs oral. But it's just the intercourse. Has that ever happened to you?

Maybe. What's going on down there? You know, are you throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

What do you mean?

What do you mean? What do you mean?

Is he throwing a hot dog? Oh, you mean she big?

Yeah, maybe, you know, she's a little bit older, had a lot of experience.

No menace. That is the dumbest thing. That's not even true.

How's that not even true?

Women's vaginas are bigger and looser and.

I don't know how's that not true?

I don't think so.

Why do you have Kegel Camp if that's not true?

Kegel Camp is not to Close your vagina up. It's to strengthen your PC muscles. It's totally different. It's. It's muscles that you. You need to contract and release them and exercise them to have stronger orgasms.

What happened to them then?

Well, everyone needs to strengthen them. He's talking about my app, Kaggle Camp, which you should download right now from the itunes store. And it helps men maintain their actions. So this is for Kenneth, too. If you do your exercises five minutes a day, Kegels, they're for men and for women, they will help you with your sex life, I promise. And it's not because it doesn't make your vagina smaller. It just makes the muscles stronger so you can tense and relax them when you're having sex. All right, Menace. Okay. Hi, Emily. I'm 17 and my boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We have a great relationship, but we're having a bit of a problem in the bedroom. I sweat a lot. We have only started having intercourse, but rather recently. So it has never been an issue. Before we were getting intimate, but now it's becoming a huge problem. So much that he's becoming turned off by it. He said that it didn't bother him that much, but I can tell it's getting on his nerves. What in the world can I do? Sylvie from Hamilton, Ontario, California. Okay, so I've heard of excessive sweating, and there are a lot. Does it only happen when you're in the bedroom or does it happen like in your day to day life? Like if you're nervous or if you're at work or something, or at school? But there's some things you can do for excessive sweating. They actually prescribe Botox. Yeah, it's a little expensive, but you can like shoot it in your armpits and it'll stop your sweating for like three, four months at a time. But I would definitely go to your doctor and get checked out. There's also if you're taking any meds, like antidepressants that can cause excessive sweating as well. So I'm wondering if you. If you've mixed anything up lately that could cause the sweating. But I don't know why that would turn them off. Would that turn you off if a woman was sweating a lot during sex?

During sex? No.

No. It's kind of hot. You're all slippery and stuff. But I'm wondering if it's happening at other times in your life too.

Of course, you got to do the laundry after. I don't want to clean those sheets.

Yeah, Menace doesn't like dirty sheets and you got to do the laundry. But you know, sometimes I sweat during sex. I'm wondering, you live in Ontario. It's not so like it's so cold, it's not so hot there. So I would get checked out by your doctor because there are some people that just have those genes that make them excessively sweat.

Yes, that tv, Botox, MTV did a whole special on it.

And excessive sweating.

Yeah, you should google it.

And what do they say to do?

Well, there's, there's not too much you can do. But they did talk about the Botox thing and stuff.

Did they? Yeah, I mean it's expensive, it's a couple hundred bucks but you shoot in your armpits, you don't sweat. Try that out. Okay. Dear Emily, also want to say I'm thinking about something as a possible show topic. Confidence. You've mentioned it once before but maybe it bears repeating and in more detail. I had a girlfriend who was on the heavy side when I was in college but I think she was so confident it didn't matter. She was fun to be around and I think I would have picked her over somebody who was slimmer. Not saying not to be healthy, just that self confidence is great and I think important for men and women. Have a great weekend. Greg from Denver. Well Greg, we talk about that all the frigging time. Confidence is so, so important that it's actually the number one thing that people say is attractive in a man and a woman. And we could do a show topic on that. How to cultivate confidence. A lot of it has to do with getting deep into your own issues and realizing what's making you have low self esteem and insecurities. But that really is. We all hold ourselves back in life. If you look at most of life's circumst the things that hold us back is our own fears and our own fears are related to our own insecurities and our insecurities are related self our confidence. So you have to cultivate confidence.

Yeah. And just not overconfidence because you're coping with.

Don't be cocky.

Yeah. You're coping with. Nah. Some are just like I don't know really how to explain it but some people are trying to hide that they're not confident and so they're like overly confident but not in a, not in a cocky way. But it's kind of hard to explain. You have to be around it but.

Right. You mean people who are like they.

Don'T have that much confidence. But I'm gonna show everybody that I'm confident.

And things like that still shows that you're insecure if you're overcompensating and not really confident. I mean, I had to work on it. I wasn't always the most confident, but I feel like I'm pretty confident now. But I think it comes with getting older and, like, recognizing your weaknesses. We all have weaknesses. We're not perfect. And I think it also comes from this notion that we're supposed to moving around here in my chair, I think comes this notion that we all think that we have to be perfect and that all of our weaknesses make us less. And so. And I think if you learn to celebrate your weaknesses and be like, I think half of the battle in life is that you've got these weaknesses and you've got things that your challenges and your challenges in life don't really change, but it's embracing them and then going towards your strengths. Like, what am I really good at? And how can I blow that up? Like, I think in work too, like, I'm really, like, my passion and what I think I'm good at is doing the radio show. Like, dealing with the website, the billing and invoicing. That stuff I hate. You gotta have other people do that stuff for you. So eventually you just go through your strengths. Right. Don't you feel like your job, you get to play with your strengths?

Yeah. Like, I hate writing, so I have my assistant write all my stuff for me.

I don't love writing. Well, I like writing, but I'm so sad.

You probably received emails not written by me, but written by my assistant.

I'm so sad. I'm so sad because I thought they were all from you, and then I sent you naked pictures and then it went to your thing, whatever.

Oh, I never saw them.

You never saw the naked photos? Your assistant's been keeping them.

She's c blocking, man. What a bitch. She's in Spain right now, so I'm screwed.

Okay? She is. You can't write a word when she's out of town. But what I'm saying is a lot of people, this is the thing with confidence, a lot of people would be like, wow, you can't write. That sucks. But, like, you're like, I don't like writing. I'm not a writer. And you get people to do things for you, or you just, like, don't get a job where you're writing or you get someone else to help you. So I just think that. That why people aren't confident because they Think they have to be perfect, and you don't have to be perfect. Okay.

I know people like, well, just don't be whiny about it, like, oh, I can't do this, I can't do that. You know, some people get all down about that.

I know, I know, I know. But confidence and self esteem. They also say for sex, if you're not confident and you don't have high self esteem, that. That really wreaks havoc in the bedroom, too. So I think that's a great topic, Greg. And we're going to do a show all about confidence.

Do it.

I love it.

Okay, well, we can get our guests on the phone in a minute. She wrote a book called the Breakup Bible. It says it's a smart guide to healing for a breakup or divorce. She's a licensed therapist. Rachel Sussman wrote the book, and every year it says 1 million women divorce in the United States and millions of others break up. Even with many experiencing heartaches, many women feel isolated and alone. So this is how to help people get through breakups. And she uses three phases of healing, understanding, and transformation. And we're gonna get into some of her questions. We're gonna ask her some question about this book and how you can get over breakup. Because we all go through breakups, right? I know guys have an easier time dealing with breakups, so they think. I believe that men are, like, delayed on breakups. Like, they just go out and bang everything and then six months later they get upset. But women deal with them in the moment.

It's true.

Women deal with breakups in the moment. So let me tell you about something that you need to buy ASAP that will change your life. Change your sex life. Massage candles. So candles are great for sex. We all know that for setting the atmosphere, you light a candle, it sets the mood. Because who wants those bright overhead fluorescent lights? These are aromatherapy candles, and they're amazing.

But there's a trick to them. They're actually massage candles.

They look like a regular candle, but these candles melt into the most amazing.

Delicious, delicious massage oil.

But it's not messy and oily and waxy or sticky or hot or anything. The warm, luxurious oil you can pour in your partner's body and give them the most, like, sensual massage, or just pour it on and just feels great. It's soothing. And I've heard from listeners all over who are like, this is the thing that spiced up our life because it just. It's a way to reconnect. Sometimes maybe you haven't been having sex in a while and you want to like just come back together with some touch, give her a great foot massage, Give them a back massage. And they smell amazing. So you got to get them, check them out. In fact, someone emailed me. He said my girlfriend was skeptical at first but agreed to tried the warm oil on me first and gave me a back rub. Then I reciprocated and we had amazing sex. She cannot stop talking about how good the candle smells and how great the massage oil feels. And I'm convinced that the scent in the candle helped us through some of the barriers to sex that we have faced lately. So I created these candles so you can have the best sex of your life. Check them out. Go to emilyandtoni.com and use code sex with Emily and you get 20% off your first order. That's emilyandtoni.com Also, if this week only, from April 21st to April 26th, you get a free down under comfort, which is our another amazing award winning product. When you purchase a menage a trois candle set with coupon code comfort. So check that out. 4-21-26, get a free down under comfort. When you purchase the menageri trois candles, you can get all three of them with coupon code comfort.

Hello, it's Rachel.

Hi, Rachel, this is Emily and Menace from the Sex with Emily show. You're on the air.

Hello.

Hello, how are you?

Nice to speak to you.

Nice to speak to to you too. Thank you so much. We were just talking about your book, the breakup Bible. And I think it's gonna help a lot of our listeners. So I'm wondering.

Well, I'm certainly hoping to have that effect. That's why I wrote it.

I love it. I mean, cause we get so many emails and people talking about like, how do I get over a breakup? How do I get back into it? I wanna have sex again, but I'm not sure how to start having sex again. So tell me about the story behind this book and why you wrote it.

Well, I went through an experience about five years ago where so many of my clients, friends and my sister had just gone through breakups and divorces. And I really was impressed with how some people recovered so well and they were putting in their time and they were using me as a confidant and they were moving on and going on to great relationships. Then I saw a lot of other people just making colossal mistakes, like not doing the work to figure out why their relationship ended or what part they played in it or going out there. And, like, furiously dating or sleeping with people only to get hurt again. And I said, you know, this is just a companion guide that every woman can use after a breakup.

Okay, so what were some of the common issues? You said that some people were doing it right and people were doing it wrong. So what was the wrong thing? Like, I'm sure a lot of you can relate, like, oh, my God, I do that. So what were some of the things that not wrong?

I think there are many wrong things that people do. You know, one of them is just not accepting that your breakup is over and the relationship was flawed and just not being able to move on. And that might include some stalking behaviors. And I don't mean, like, you know, showing up inside the person's office, but over calling or over texting or trying to get your boyfriend to meet up with you when they clearly don't want to. I think that's a big mistake, and it makes people feel simply awful about themselves and their circumstance.

Right, Exactly. And I found with a lot of women, a lot of my friends who've gone through breakups, I feel like it took them forever, if ever, to get to the point where they were willing to look at what their part of it was that's such a crucial. Yeah.

That you made.

Yeah. Like, they were like, oh, he's this, he's that, and they just wanted to go off on all the bad things the guy did. I'm like, okay, that takes two to tango. You're 50% part of this relationship. But when women are, like, raging with anger about someone, they just don't want to look at it at themselves and what their part was.

It is a process.

It is.

And, you know, I've written the book in a building block fashion. First there's healing, then there's understanding, and then there's transformation. And healing is that early part of the breakup where you just. We have so many emotions cascading through your body. You can feel completely sad and overwrought one day, and then the next day you'll be furious. And then you can feel very embarrassed or ashamed or very guilty. And that is part of the process, just processing those feelings. And then when you're feeling a little better, then I move women into the understanding stage, and I give them an exercise called creating your personal love map.

Oh, I love it.

And that's when you can figure out why you were dating this person, how you both behaved in a relationship, and how you're mourning your loss. And I do have a whole chapter on accountability, because if you don't understand the part that you played in the breakup. You're just destined to make those things.

Exactly.

Over and over again.

Exactly. And it's such good lessons that you can learn that not just for the relationships, the issues you might have been making in the relationship, you're also making at work, you're also making with friends. So it's really about breakups. But I think it's also about. It's a really good self discovery tool too, going through these steps.

Yeah, thank you so much for saying that because that's really what it is about. It is about self reflection. And you're right about the patterns. I mean, you know, we do the same things with our lovers that we do with our friends and sometimes our parents. And the more that you can be self aware and take responsibility, you can really live a great life and a happier and a healthier life.

Exactly. It's a transformation. So.

And I was gonna say people can't stop breakups. Correct. Because sometimes somebody wants to break up and the other person doesn't want to. There's nothing that they can do about it. Right.

Well, I think that a lot of breakups, you know, happen because of. There's many different things going on in the relationship that might be causing that to happen. And you know, you can have good communication skills and try to communicate with your partner to see if you're breaking up over the right reason. But if someone is hell bent on breaking up, they are going to do that.

Right. And you can't do anything about it. You just got to look at like it. Look at what happened. Like you said, I take this whole holistic approach to looking at the whole relationship. So you talked about healing as the first stage and then understanding as a second stage. The second chap. Second part of the book.

Yes.

So an understanding. What's that about?

Well, understanding is that section where I really, you know, to get involved with their love map and to figure out where their relationship patterns started, how they developed, the way the, why they even chose this person, how they behaved in the relationship. And then they can really start to see, oh, I see. Maybe this wasn't the best relationship for me to be in the first place. And that's really, you know, your aha moment. Like it wasn't meant to be.

Right. And then what about, what is the, the love map? Can you talk more about that? Can anyone do a love map? Okay, well, I want to do a love map.

Well, in the personal love map and I give you a whole diagram in the book. It shows you that there's, that your personality is formed vis a vis four different areas. One is psychology, which is kind of attachment theory, how you attach to different people and why, like for instance, very unbeknownst to many of us, if we had a critical parent, we might find ourselves attracted to a critical lover, not even realizing that that's what's going on.

Right.

And it's really also about how your self esteem was born. I mean you can come from a great family, but maybe you were teased as a child or you didn't feel attract or everyone in your family was athletic, but you weren't. So I give you these different areas to trace. The culture you come from, how you feel about yourself, the way you were raised. And you know, this is really how we get to look at ourselves as a human being and say, well, wow, I kind of don't have the kind of self esteem that I want to because of this. So I've been attracted to the wrong people. And it will really help you shift any pattern so you can go out and date, you know, healthier men and.

Have better can make healthier choices. Right. And what about self esteem? That is such a huge one for women and for men that how do you, if you have low self esteem, like what do you, do you think it really is about going back and figuring out where it came from and then how to build it? I mean, how do you help people build it? Because it is really something that not only impacts your relationships but your, your sex life. A lot of women with low self esteem are not able to have great sex lives. So what, how do you see that.

So much in my private practice that women having sexual problems because they're not confident in their body or they don't like the way, the way they look, so they can't really get into that and be their full sexual self. You know, I think that if you look back into your past and you look hard, everyone will figure out why their self esteem is as it is. And you know, having a high school aged daughter, I mean you can give a kid as much love as you can, but then so much stuff happens.

Exactly.

You can be a kid with a learning disability, you can be a kid that you don't like the way your hair looks. I mean, I've had women say to me, you know what, when I was in grade school and high school, I had the frizziest hair, you know, so it's really crazy things. And sometimes like I said, you can come from a great family, but you have poor self esteem for other reasons, maybe through prejudice or poverty or all different kind of reasons. And when you can figure out how your self esteem was formed, that's when you can go about turning things around.

That's so interesting.

Do you know why you feel bad about yourself? Then you can say, well, this kind of isn't a valid reason. Or if I don't like the way I look, maybe I need to get to the gym and then I'll feel better about my body.

Right? That's so good. That's so important. It's great to have a tool too, to get people to direct them right to those key points that made them insecure in the first place. So what are some mistakes that people make? What are some of the common mistakes you think people make after?

Well, another really common one over the last decade or so is of course the Internet.

Right.

And it's, it's Facebook stalking or you know, or spying on your ex through his Facebook posts, through his tweets. And I think it just gives, you know, gives us all more information than we need. So I beg my clients and anyone reading this book, I say befriend them on, defend them. Yes, friend, defriend. Erase the phone number, erase everything. Don't save old voicemails, don't save old text. Don't, you know, you know, block them on your email. You need to really have a huge period of zero contact.

Exactly. You really do. It's true. And it's the hardest thing to do because it's like an addiction. It's like quitting a habit. You know, it is an addiction.

And one of my clients confessed to me yesterday, you know that, you know that she looks at her ex boyfriend's Facebook status every single day and she said, it's killing her. She says, oh, he's going to parties. I see him with other women and you know what I do? What I say to women like that is compare yourself to other women in your circumstance who have moved on and are creating self esteem and they're doing a great job. Stop looking at him and what he's doing. I mean, he could just be doing that to make you jealous because he's got nothing else to do. So he's just running around 24, 7, you know, going to parties because he doesn't know how to handle his feelings.

Right.

But you know, you're just subjected to wrong information.

Right, Exactly. It's like you're a masochist. Almost like going to the Facebook page every day.

Totally masochist. And it's you know, what people don't understand is that whatever result you're. You're trying to achieve, it's just. It's not gonna. It's gonna backfire. It's not gonna be good for you.

Okay. You're totally right. You gotta defriend them. I know I've been defriended. A lot of guys I've broken up with. Next day I wake up, and then we're no longer friends. You know what? They did the right thing. They did the right thing. Okay, so what are some of the breakup myths that you talk about that you'd like to dispel?

Well, I think that, you know, when women get broken up with or when they're thinking of breaking up, I. All their fears come out. And then you hear a lot of these kind of stereotypes, like, all men are cheaters, or all men like younger women, or no one dates on the Internet. You know, only jerks are on the Internet. So, you know, you hear, you know, all those fears and kind of prejudices come out, and they're not true. There are plenty of good men out there.

Exactly.

I know of a lot of wonderful couples who have met men on the Internet. Another myth that women say to me is, well, all men just want to have sex. You know what? Everyone wants to have sex. And good sex is an excellent reason to be in a relationship. But that doesn't mean all. All men want is sex. I know a lot of women who want sex too. So you've got to break through those myths that are, like, in your head, that are stopping you from moving forward.

What if you're a woman who's been cheated on? I mean, that's a really tough one to get over.

It is. And you know, you can add a few months to your healing.

Exactly.

Because you know that having your trust broken like that, it's just universal. It's really the dagger in the heart. And especially if you really had no idea. And then you find out that your boyfriend or husband has been unfaithful. And for some women, they find out that it's been going on for a long time. You know, having that kind of trust broken, it's just. It really shatters your view of everything in the world. I mean, people will say to me, nothing makes sense anymore after finding out something.

Right. Exactly.

You're right. Really hard. And it's hard to recover from. But you can recover.

You can recover from all of this. Like, everyone listening. Like, you can. You will get over it, and you will get through it. It's true. So what about. What are some common ways that sex can instigate a breakup or damage relationship since we are sexual?

Yeah. Sex can damage relationships. It's, you know, it can be, you know, something that brings people together. It can also bring. Be something that breaks people up. And as I'm sure, as you know, what I often see is sex drives that aren't kind of on the same page.

Right. What do you tell exactly?

More than the other. The other person wants it, doesn't want it very much. I mean, I had some woman tell me just recently she really likes to cuddle, but she doesn't like sex. And, you know, she came from a family where sex was just never discussed. And, you know, so, you know, you got to work with someone like that. But, you know, most couples, in most couples, there's someone who wants sex more than the other.

Exactly.

It's negotiation, it's communication. It's compromise, trying to work through it. I mean, I think communication is one of the sexiest tools that a couple can have in a relationship.

Absolutely.

But if some person doesn't want to have sex and they get shamed or, and they feel embarrassed or uncomfortable, that's, you know, something a couple will start arguing about. Which can cause a breakup.

Exactly. It's like the elephant in the room. People, like, are. They don't want to talk about the sex. Like that's your biggest issue. You've mismatched libidos. And why aren't you talking about your sex life?

But they're not talking about it. But yet they'll make little passive aggressive digs to each other. I've heard, I've heard so many men say, if I can't get it from you, well, you know, you know, where am I going to get it? And you know, when. And I've heard women really shame their boyfriends or husbands who don't, who have lower sex drives than they do.

Yeah. It's not just women. People always think it's the woman stereotype. Lots of men, a lot of women.

Want more sex than their husbands, you know, can or are willing to give them or boyfriends. And they just can really shame them and make them feel terrible about themselves, which is a problem because that isn't. That's the opposite of what they need. They need to feel sexy. They need to feel masculine.

Right.

So like you said, you know, relationships can really go off track over sex.

Exactly. And then how do past messages influence our sex lives? Like the past things that we've learned.

In our life, Sometimes they Influence very positively and otherwise they don't. I mean, if you had a relationship that had some sexual problems in the past, you know, you might just be bringing those same problems right into this new relationship, you know, or, you know, if you're a woman whose last relationship ended over sex, or if you didn't have much of a sex drive, I mean, you know, the time that you've broken up before you start dating again, that's the time to get down to the bottom of that. You know, what does sex mean to you? What does it represent? Why haven't you been able to have a good sex life in the past?

And if you go see a sex therapist on your own, that's always tell people exactly. If you've got your own issues around sex or keeps coming up in relationships, you can heal your sex issues. If you go to sex therapist is amazing.

Go to a sex therapist. There's great books out there. I mean, I find that even in today's age, a lot of young women, and, you know, I work with women in their 20s and they just really, you know, have not explored what sex really means to them.

Right.

Or they've had a lot of drunken hookups, but not as, you know, a long term, sustained sexual relationships.

Exactly.

A lot to learn.

A lot to learn. And there's no word. I mean, we teach it on the show, but there's not a lot of places. Yeah. For people. People to go right now, women to learn about it. So.

And you'd be embarrassed, like, well, I mean, you know, people are embarrassed talking about it. And that always surprises me, you know, even, you know, like, sometimes I'll work with a couple and they'll say, well, can we talk to you about this? And I'm like, what do you think.

Exactly you're here for? I mean, don't you think most couples need to talk about sex even if they're not breaking up? Like, sex is just a huge factor in relationships that couples just never talk about. So it is.

And you know, and for couples that really understand about having sex, it's part of the glue that keeps them together. But, you know, couples that have sex very infrequently unless they both have low sex drives and they're comfortable with that, it can really be one of those factors that just keeps, you know, chipping away at the fabric of the relationship.

That's why I always say it does chip away at the fabric. People like, oh, we're fine, it's cool. We like to watch movies together and do other things. I'm like no, if you're not having sex, you're not on this deep intimate level that is so important and so crucial to keeping that, that, that glue together in the relationship.

And there's so much you can learn about your partner and your couplehood, you know, through, through having, you know, good sex and regular sex. And it's kind of like something you can joke about, you know, the next day or a couple days later, you know. Oh, you know. Well, well, you seem to like me last week when you, you know, or something like that. It's just gonna be something that, it can be humorous also.

Right, exactly. Doesn't to be so heavy, talk about sex. It can be a fun thing. Okay, one last question for you. Talk about the three stages. We talked about healing, we talked about understanding. And the third one is transformation that you write about in your book, the Breakup Bible. What about what happens in the transformation? It sounds great.

Transformation is a really fun stage where you're starting to feel better and you feel that the breakup is somewhat behind you and you're just, you realize you're thinking about your ex less and you're starting to go out and do things. And so what I really say to women is don't go right out there and date. Use this time to really expend your life. You know, think about everything in your life. How about your career? Since career is so important to so many women, Are you happy in your job? Could there be more you could do to advance in your company? Maybe it's time you do a career change or something like that. If you're a woman who's been home with children after a divorce, you might have to go back to work. Take the time to figure out how you're going to do that. You need to re educate yourself. Do you need to, you know, pull some old colleagues together? But also, you know, expand your mind, take classes, read, expand your body. Well, I mean that in a good way.

Right, Exactly. Exercise, pick up a new sport. Exactly.

Challenge your body, join a sports team. I mean, go out for, you know, take tennis lessons. So it's travel, you know, learn how to speak another language, take a cooking class.

Right.

So, so. But then by the time you get out there and you start dating again in you're really going to feel good about yourself. Whatever low self esteem you might have been suffering from after the breakup. If you want to attract the right kind of guy, you've got to get out there as like the real thing.

Right.

You've got to feel great, you've got to look great. And then you're going to attract confident men because confident men like confident women.

Exactly. It's so true. Because if you. If you're one of those people who go from one to the next, one relationship to the next, next. The next. Because you feel like, oh, God, I'm. You know, it's going to heal this wound. I don't want to feel this pain of the breakup. So I'm just going to start dating again then, which I used to do that in my 20s. I would. I would go from one guy to the next. Right. And I never had to heal. I never had to heal from any past breakup. But this sounds like it's a. I mean, it is a great book that people can use just for any stage of relationships. You know, I guess even if you're not dating, you're having a hard time. I think creating the love map and realizing where some of your weaknesses and your strengths are could be just a great tool for people.

It really is. And thanks so much for saying that, Emily, because we can all use to know more about our relationship and where.

Our patterns came from. Absolutely.

And you don't need to have, you know, an individual therapist to do that. You can really just pick so much up from reading and reading this book. You learn about your patterns, and we all have patterns.

We do.

And it will make you healthier in a relationship. And it's also a great book if you've been single longer than you want to feel like you keep. You're not meeting the right guys or you keep making the same mistakes. You know, do a love map. Build up your confidence and then get back out there. And, you know, I've heard so many women after they've worked my program say, I know exactly what I'm looking for. And he doesn't look anything like my old relationship.

Exactly. I think everyone should work this program. It's called the Breakup the Smart Woman's Guide to Healing From a Breakup or a Divorce. And it's Rachel Sussman. Where can they buy your book? What's the best place you can buy it?

Anywhere, Wherever you're comfortable. Buying books. I mean, I love. I love bookstores. So, you know, patronize your book.

Right.

More of them. Or you can certainly buy it online at Amazon. Or you can buy it right off of my website, which is www.rachelasusman.com.

Okay, great. And we'll also have it on our website as well. Thank you so much, Rachel. We really appreciate it. Great talking to you, too. Have a great day.

Of course.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Thank you.

I want to do the love map. Like, I really believe that the love map is so important for people because we all people who we get. You know, we get our thousands of emails from listeners who are like, why do I date the same guy over again? Or, why do I keep dating the same woman over again?

But.

And I always say, go to therapy. But what I really mean is, like, work your issues, like, get into your patterns, who you are, why you date the certain way that you date, and then kind of heal that and move on, and then you'll be attracted to the right kind of people. I think the people have unhealthy patterns. This will help you break your patterns.

What do you think your map would look like?

Oh, it'd be all over the place. I know my map, though. I think that my love map would be, you know, I don't know. It's transformed over time, but I think I'm actually attracted to really healthy guys now. But in the past, maybe guys who are more caretakers or guys who were a little needier because that made me feel good initially, but I didn't really want these guys. No, I want to do the work. I've healed a lot since you've met me. I think I'm in a healthy place.

All right.

What would your map look like?

My map? It will look pretty level.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no. I mean, I think I. My map would say, oh, I learned this from that relationship. I learned this.

Yeah, you just got. The bottom line here is that we all need to learn from our past relationships. We all need to look at when it ends. Don't just start banging every chick or every guy you meet. Take a pause, Take a few months, take a few weeks and look at why it ended. What was my part in it? You could blame the other person till the cows come home, but really, you had a part in it. You were 50% of the relationship, and I think we can all learn from that. So that's what we got for you today. Thanks, everyone, for listening to sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackaxwithemily.com okay, so you want to mix up your masturbation routine. I understand you masturbate. You know the deal. You know how to get yourself off. But have you ever tried Fleshlight? It's the number one sex tape for men, and it's probably the only one.

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