Best Of: The S(ex) Factor w/ Sheila Kelley

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You have to know who you are as an erotic being, where you come from, what is your emotional core? Once you know you, you can know what you want. You can't know what you want before you know you.

Exactly.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Sheila Kelly is a moment, a mantra, and the founder of S Factor, a feminine movement practice that offers classes in strip pole dance and erotic dance. We live from the armpits up and get trapped away from our bodies. Sheila says. So her passion is to free people through movement so they can return to their bodies and have more energy to move towards what they want. This is a gem filled conversation that you're gonna wanna pause several times so you can take in Sheila's explosive wisdom and apply it immediately to your daily life. Plus, I take your questions. Hey, we're all venturing into brave new worlds today and need advice. What to do when you're dating as a grown woman with kids in their 20s, but the men you're matching with are young adults. Is that a problem? We discuss it next. Is it possible to get orgasm addicted to porn? Well, I'll talk you through that. And finally, beginnings and endings. How do you begin your anal sex journey? How do you end a marriage as you knew it? As Sheila says, it's all about an incremental journey of self investment and growth. And by the end of this episode, you'll have done a little bit of both Intentions with Emily for each episode. Join me in setting intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same when you're listening. What do you wanna get out of this episode? How could it help you? My intention is to get you a little bit inspired by Sheila Kelly, a woman who is living her truth. And if you've been feeling a little less sexy lately, a little less in your body, a little bit less like, how do I bring it? How do I feel turned on myself? This is going to do it for you and inspire you to take those steps. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Ask Emily how do I Better Enjoy Oral Sex? Is up@sexwithemily.com Check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. Also check out our gift guide. We have an excellent gift guide for all of your shopping needs this holiday season and you can find that on all of our social media are at our website, sexwithemily.com if you want to ask me a question, just call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com Ask Emily. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

Sheila Kelly is the founder of S Factor, an embodiment and movement practice for women that build strength through erotic movement, but more importantly, reconnects them to their innate vitality, their sensuality and their core desires. An acclaimed body whisperer, Sheila's teachings have been featured on Oprah, Ellen, tedx and Tony Robbins. And her S Factor dance classes are taught all over the country at retreats, in dance studios and online. She's one of my favorite thinkers on embodiment and I think you'll love her just as much as I do. This interview was done at an event that I was attending with 500 plus women in Long Beach, California. It was called SK Live Sheila Kelly. Now, some of these women had been taking this class for a while and there were other newbies there. And you walk in this room and you feel so embraced by women of all shapes, all sizes. It was a weekend of powerful energy, learning to release a lot of shame we had around our bodies, around movement. I wasn't always so into dancing with other people that I didn't know. And by the end of it, I feel like I had made 500 friends who. Who would accept me and love me for wherever I was at. It's a really great network of women and an inspiration. This is an interview we did in the middle of the workshop, and hope you're as inspired as I was. Find more about Sheila Kelly on Twitter heshielakelly Instagram, Sheila Kelly S or S Factor. Com. I wanted to bring S Factor to and Sheila to my listeners because I'm a huge fan. So last year was my first year here, and I had never been. And I've been hearing about S Factor, actually. I. So I started a podcast in my living room 12 years ago. And my awakening, we talked about awakenings earlier was I was like, I was having really bad sex. I was like, life is too short for bad sex. How do you have better sex? So I started this podcast and I just started interviewing people about sex and relationships. So, like, that was my journey. So what it's really about is the podcast is I, you know, I teach people how to understand their bodies, what makes them feel good, how to ask for what they want, communicate with a partner. When I first heard about S Factor, I heard it was a pole dancing class. And to be honest, I thought that there was all of these women that were learning to pole dance so they would look hot for their partners. And I thought, really another thing we gotta do to feel hot for our partners. Well, turns out I was completely mistaken. This is all about feeling sexy for yourself and. And truly deeply being in your body. One of the questions I get asked all the time, especially from women, is how to feel confident in our bodies, especially during sex. I feel that embracing this kind of exercise and movements can be very powerful for being embodied in this way. You said in the past, when you found an S Factor, you were able to transform your body, deepen your marriage, and heal. Can you walk me through what that experience was like?

The planet we live on has a dysfunctional relationship with the female body. Dysfunctional because we love it. We hate it. We hate that we love it. We love that we hate it. The fact that we're all seeing it now is actually a good thing. It's actually a good thing that this state of dysfunction that shuts the feminine body down is being. Being named, is being seen, is Being identified. Because when you name it, when you see it, when you identify it, like your first offense story, you own it. When you don't name it, when you don't have words for it, you live in this place, what I call the black void of adolescence that never ends. Because all of a sudden you go from being a child, a female child, to a young woman with sprouting breasts, sprouting pubic hair, curves in your body, and no one tells you how to live in it. Holy shit.

Well, that's. Okay. So I wrote down these quotes here that feeling emotions through the body is the point of S factor. And then I also wrote emotion is the fuel that's been shamed into our body and that the body needs to say things that the words cannot express and that we feel stories in our body. So that's all sort of part of the same. And that just hits. It's like, can you tell me more about feeling emotions through your body?

If you listen, when you're born into a female body, you're born with certain gifts. You're born with curve of movement.

You.

Can anybody here have a baby girl? Anyone see her whittle her little ass and anyone see her touch her and grab her vulva? Hello, Janelle. So we were just talking at lunch and her little bit two year old is like my vulva and holding on to it. And we're not, we're, we're told we're. And yet, like I said earlier, my son grabbed his penis at the age of two and still holding on.

Right.

Whereas we are conditioned not to. Because it's not safe for the female body to be as free in our eroticism and sexuality as it is for a male. So our society thinks, you would think a society, a civilized society would actually be the opposite, that the female would be free and be safe. And that's why safety is such a big, big, big issue for me, because of what I'm saying about the female body shutting down. You go, I'm going to go back to the question you asked me earlier. So my body was shut down and my. Not just my emotions were shut down, but my eroticism was shut down. I had what I thought was a great sex life. And no, it wasn't. I mean, it was fine, but it wasn't what it is now. And we're talking 27 years with the same man. Because as I awoke every single cell in my body and got every single cell moving and fluid and delicious again, I could connect to him on a level that I couldn't Possibly connect to him before.

The thing about this movement is that it's very specific. So people are thinking, well, I exercise. I do sp. Spinning. You probably. You were exercising. You were a dancer. But this movement is what transformed you and hundreds of thousands of women who have done this.

That's right. And I would.

So it's. Yeah.

I would call this a feminine movement practice. I would go so far as to call it a transformational feminine movement practice.

Who's transformed. Yeah. Yeah.

Because it will transform you. And it's not about moving. It's about embodying the body you have. It's not about trying to spin faster than the guy next to me or the girl next to me. It's not about being on the beat, like the chick over there on that pole or the chick on this pole. It's about looking at where you live in this glorious erotic creature and saying, okay, baby, how do you move? Let me explore how far you can stretch this way. Oh, my God. And how far you can stretch this way. Oh, my God. And now I'm getting really erotically turned on.

Wow. Shocking.

Because you are living fully within an erotic being. We are, by definition, erotic creatures, and we live in an infantile world that's like, erotic.

I mean, I say the words wholesome, erotic energy, and people are like those.

What?

You just fried my brain. Because wholesome doesn't go with erotic. But it does. And in the age I believe we're moving into, which is the age of authenticity and naked truth, we're gonna get there.

Yeah, we are getting there.

We're getting there now.

Well, I think about the wholesome, erotic energy. I'm pretty type. I'm pretty stressed out a lot. Let me just say that. And I meditate and I do yoga and stuff. And now I've been doing S Factor. But what I've taken away from it, even when you're at Rite Aid, you're at the grocery store, you're at the dentist office. How do I. Cause I catch myself. I'll be walking down the street on my phone. I'm like, wait. And I stop and I breathe and I get in my body and I move. And it's a. I don't remember it every day, but that's the kind of change. Like, we're not going to always be able to be here with you for two days, unfortunately. But it's like taking it home. Like, how do you. You know, how do you remember that? How do you keep reminding yourself? And it's. It's a powerful practice.

It's powerful practice. And I'll tell you, the magical mind which serves the magical body, will change your life. And I've been trying to find for 10 years that phrase. I have it now. I'm giving it to you.

Yeah. Break it down.

The magical mind will serve a magical body. The critical mind will control an obedient body. And you can choose which way you want to live. I want to be magic. I'm going to live in magic all the time. And you're absolutely right. It is constantly consciously cultivating it in a very, very masculine world. You know, I believe that women on this planet are a lot like the ugly duckling. We were born into a tribe of ducks, men. And we're trying our hardest to fit in and be a duck man. And we're actually these extraordinary, beautiful, graceful, glorious swans. We know it in this room, but women don't know it. They don't know they're trying to be a duck. That's my favorite analogy I've ever had in my life.

S factor does give your whole practice. It gives you permission. I think it makes it okay to move in the world and own your eroticism and say, you know what? It's okay that I'm in this body. And then you realize when you start to embody it yourself and accept yourself, your confidence does go up and you see that you are attracting the kind of people that you, you know, that you want to be, that you want to attract and act. You're the kind of person that you want to be. So with the. If the feminine lives in the body and the mass in the masculine does not, or the masculine doesn't know what the hell to do with the feminine, right? So we all come on like. So what do you tell women? Like, we all come home from here and we're, like, in it. But how do you work with men?

I love men. I, like, worship men, and that's how I work with men. They know I worship them, and they.

Will do anything for me. They do anything.

My husband is on a tv, a new TV show called the. The Doctor. He was on West Wing. He didn't do that alone. It's all I'm gonna say.

Right?

He didn't. Okay, he did. I loved him there.

But you knew how to, right? You knew how to what he needed. Yeah, worship. He worships you. You honor him.

Yeah. I have five rules to the most epic relationship in the world. Number one, you do you and then shut the up about it. Can I swear?

Yeah. Yeah.

Number two, stop bugging Him. Stop trying to turn him into a girlfriend. Worship the magnificent stallion he is and he will become more of a magnificent stallion. Number three is choose him. Stop looking over his shoulder for the next guy that you think might fit better. Number four is the 40% rule. You're only ever going to get at most 40% of your needs met by him. Seriously, come to me for the. I'll come to your girlfriends. Come to your tribe. That's the way it used to work. Come to your tribe. For the other 60% or 70 or even 80%, Richard really fills up maybe 20% of my needs and that's okay.

I love that. This is amazing because I think we all try. We wanted to be our everything, right? Our best friend. We want him to go shopping with us, help us with our problems, pay the rent, change a light bulb, the whole thing. And we're like, what? Just do a few of those things. It's okay. So it's almost like these and these changes can happen instantly. Instantly letting go of all these expectations that we have that are kind of never going to get met.

Kill them. Expectations, to me is just another way to spell disappointment.

It's true.

The fifth rule.

Go five.

Go five. King him. You want to be a queen, you better king him. That's all.

King him. How do you king him? Just you were saying earlier you text you king, how do you king.

How do you king worship and you get it back. I wake up every day and instead of going, what do I need? I go, what could I do to make him happy today? How could I make him love me more? How could I turn him on more? How could I elevate him? How could I make him feel like the fucking king?

And the reason why that is so evolved, like such an evolved way of thinking about it is if you go back to the 50s or something, you'd be thinking, well, you sound like a stay at home housewife. How can I serve him? Should I make him dinner? We're not talking about. We're talking about the energy. We're talking about you're serving him and you get it right back and he's serving you.

That's right.

And it's. What I love about this also is that what you do is it's not about words.

No, it's not.

It's about being in your. Your body and feeling it and bringing that energy which you know. And here's the other thing I want to thank you for is that we did an exercise earlier, the bliss meter. What do you guys think of the bliss when you had to write down all the things that make you happy. I love this exercise. And then you have to put. How many hours a week you spend actually, you know, doing those things. We're all free agents, right? Like, you think I should probably spend a lot of time having sex, for example, or breathing or walking or smelling flowers. And then you're like. Like last year, so I have to sit. So it was amazing. And then you do the formula, and it's like this, whoa, I'm spending because let's say you sleep how many hours a night? Seven hours. It was like, that's these 120 hours a week. And then you divide that by the hours that I'm blissful in a week. And last year I was like 7% bliss. It was not a good day, not a good number. But this year I was up. I was like 28% bliss. So high five to you.

That's huge. So, Emily, that's. Actually, I want to kind of tell. I want to speak that. Because I don't. People need to know that this is an incremental journey, and you earn your way into full ownership.

Full bliss. Full, full.

And what I call the magical body and the magical life. And if you just think, oh, I can come for a weekend or I can listen to Emily once or twice, and I'll be better.

No, it's a journey.

No, no, it's a journey. And it's a journey of self investment and in development and growth, and it's. It's so incredibly worth it. We go to college, we think we're done. I'm done growing. I'm done learning. I'm going to go get a job now. And then you slowly just go, oh, what did I do? There's the ground explode. I'm hitting. You know, it's a crash.

You're never done transformation. Yeah.

And it's so. It's. It's really important to constantly, consciously cultivate a magical body with a magical mind.

Why do you think it's so hard for women to. To experience their bliss and just to do some of these things that are just. We don't take the time for ourself. We don't do any of these things. Like, what do you hear? To be the. Like. Because we're caretakers. Because we're. We don't think we deserve it.

I think it's. Honestly, I think it's. Many women don't think there's a problem. Many women don't know how depressed they are. Many women don't Know how shut down their bodies are. And they're gonna listen to this and go, I'm not. Taught me.

Well, that was my question for you. So if you're. If you're listening, how do you know. How can people know that their body's shut down?

You know your body's shut down if you're sitting on a bus and you hear my voice touch your nipple and you don't.

Okay, people listen to this when they're commuting a lot.

I mean, honest to God, I don't know. I know it's funny, but I'm actually not trying to be funny. I'm trying to let you know that someone has told you a false truth that you may not touch your nipple. It's not yours. That's bizarre to me. And, you know, you should see me on a bus. I'm constantly like.

For those of you.

On the podcast, I'm grabbing my breasts right now.

She is. And it's important. Amazing.

And. And it's not turning myself on. I'm like, I'm. Yeah, these are mine and I love them. And they're triple D. And yay.

They're. They're. She's spectacular. But it's funny. Well, earlier we talked about the first offense, and I remember this from last year, too. You told the story about how the first time you remembered. I think we all have this time in our lives when we realize that, like, it's not okay. Like, our bodies are something to be ashamed of. Our bodies are something to hide. You started that exercise. You said to someone, here, touch your vagina. And you like, because you're so good. You're like the body whisperer or the vagina whisperer. She looked out and you were like. You pointed to someone. You said, you're. I knew you weren't going to do it. And it's true. Like, even in a room of women that are like, I've never been into an accepting, open, authentic group of women who make you feel like everything. You guys are amazing. But yet even here.

I love. I love these. It's amazing, these women.

I want your readers to. To meet these women because they're going to blow their minds.

How can we. They find you around the world right now? La.

The LA Studio. Come to these. Come to a studio. And that's not your studio.

Yeah. Think of the studio. And you've video stuff on your site.

We have videos. Absolutely. And. But the, the deeper learning of the. What we're talking about is at the retreats and at the sky.

Yeah. It's so worth it if you want to. Like, I feel like in my life, all the transformations I've done, again, still on the journey, is always when it's the immersions, it's weekends when you go away. And that's why I'm back. And I've gotten even so much more already. And we're not even through the first day yet. So let's talk about erotic energy real quick. And then you have all the erotic, you know, creatures. We can't get through all of them right now. We have a few minutes left. But let's talk about how this kind of practice and embodiment helps women with their getting in touch with what they want sexually.

Let's talk about it.

Let's talk about it.

I think that when we were pre word, pre Alphabet, if you look at an animal, if you look at an animal getting what it's want, what it wants, it will use every cell in its body, including its erotic energy. Every single muscle in its body move towards what it wants, and it will move it towards that desire. We have gotten so disconnected from our bodies. We live from the armpits up with these stupid things that we push with our thumbs all day long, and we get trapped out of our bodies. And so for me, you know, my passion is getting people freed back into the body so that they can use that extraordinary erotic energy to take them where they need to go, what they want to get in life. And when you're able to use the energy in your body and focus it, the erotic energy especially, it's.

I mean, this is what informs it, because I can tell people, and I know that the podcast helps. I talk about figuring out what you want, what makes you feel good, communicating that to your partner. Here's some ideas, but. But a lot of times what I hear from them is I don't actually know what turns me on. I don't really know what feels good to me. And so what I love is that here, we're not there yet, but today in this, there are some ways that you, the tools that you have that help people get to that point of like, oh, that's it. Because you can't think your way into eroticism. You can't think your way into having better sex. You can't. You have to feel it. And so that's what I love about your work.

Absolutely. And you have to. But you have to know, if I may say this, you have to know who you are as an erotic being. Where do you come from? What is your emotional core what do you. Once you know, you. You can know what you want. You can't know what you want before you know you.

Exactly. It's always about that. Yeah.

And yet. And that's what we do. We skip. We skip over to what do you want? And, like, I don't. Okay, touch me here. I. I think. Touch me there. I don't know. How do you want me to touch you? I don't know.

I don't know. It's a fun journey. Like what? Because there's. I used to think that something was wrong with me. With, you know, hence the bad sex. When I started my show, like, I. I was like, why didn't I get the memo of what I like? And I thought that, like, my partners or men were shipped off to some, like, secret school, like, when they were, like, kids and they learned about the female body, then that would be with them and they would know how to please me.

Yeah.

Because I didn't know, like, I didn't get the manual. And so this is sort of that manual. I guess being here is like how.

We unpack all of that 1,000 times per. Absolutely. What was Beautifully said.

Thank you. This is beautiful. Thank you, everyone, for. For having me here and the podcast. Thank you. I love it.

All right, let's give a quick shout out to our sponsors. Thanks for supporting them and thanks for listening. I'll be right back after the break. I take a call from Elizabeth, who wants to know how important age really is. Can't wait to get into this one. Be right back.

Okay, we have Elizabeth. She's 45 in California, and she wants to know, is age just a number? Hi, Elizabeth.

Hi.

Hi. Thanks for calling in. So tell me what's going on.

Well, I'm married for about 24 years and then just recently started getting into the dating pool. I fortunately have good Genesis and take care of myself, so I look much younger than I am. Guys my age do not look like I look. And so now, and most of the time that I do go out, it's the younger crowd that's attracted to me. And I have a problem with dating anybody that's in their 20s or early 30s since I have a child that is in his mid.

Yeah, that makes sense. How about a little older than early? How about late 30s?

Well, late 30s does the same thing too, but I could deal with that as well. But right now my problem is that in the late 30s, they're either bit 30 going through their divorce, or they're recently divorced and they don't have anything after the divorce is, you know, ravaged their savings and whatnot or custody issues, and my kids are pretty much grown, so it's kind of like I'm trying to find that happy medium. And I'm not looking for a permanent relationship since I was married for over 25 years now. So you're just looking for fun is against her?

Yeah.

Okay, so then what's that? What you could have casual sex friends with benefit relationships. You don't have to. If that's who you're attracted to right now and you truly are not looking for a relationship, then maybe age only is a number. You're not, like, traipsing them through the house with your kids. If that's what you're attracted to and that's who you're finding and you truly are just looking for some sex and some fun right now. I get it. I look a lot younger, too. I get younger men. You know, I got me. I kind of draw the line. I don't. I wouldn't date a guy in his 20s now, but 30s, you know? Do you feel okay with it? You're both on the same page.

So basically, I did have a. When I stand and I found out that this morning that the kid. And I say kid because I have one, his age is 27, and I felt so horribly that. So I just need to find a way to get over that. Hey, just. It's okay. Let it go. Yeah, but I put myself in that. Somebody's kid, right?

No, I understand that, but you're two consenting adults. There was an attraction. And I understand that. You're like, he has a mother and a father, and how would I feel? But the truth is, if you're not doing anything, like, morally wrong and you're, again, honest consenting adults, it's just gonna be a practice for you. Like, I think that that's totally fine. Like, it's fine to do that if you feel okay with it. Now, if it's eating you up and you have this terrible guilt and you can't get past it, I can tell you that it's safe and it's okay and that you're doing the right thing and you're not breaking any laws. But if you personally feel like it's this moral conflict, then I can't tell you how to get over that. But I'm just telling you that it's more common than you think. You know, a lot of women dating younger men dating who they're attracted to, so. But maybe that just felt a little too young for You. I get that, too. I think that's what happens now. But also, how are you meeting men?

Through different websites or. Just when I go out, just to relax, I always attract people, and they always seem to be way younger than I am.

Yeah, I get it. Because that's kind of who's out or something. Yeah. Well, I mean, and if they're. If you're not looking for a serious relationship right now, you know, what's your concern? Is that, like, it's wrong? Like, you're going to be. Tell me what that feels like to you. Is it some messages from the past?

No, I didn't think it out of my head that I'm a mom of somebody about that same age. And I'm thinking there's no way I should be dating somebody that could possibly be my son. But these guys don't look like my son. You know, they look older and I look younger, and I'm not trying to take them home to mom with them.

No, I'm giving you permission, then. No, Elizabeth, I'm giving you permission. I'm giving you permission to go out and make choices and date men that you find attractive. And you're, again, consenting adults. Men always date women a lot younger than them. I don't think they have as much of a conflict. I'm just saying that, like, I think this is something you can get past, especially if it feels good to you to, like, go out and have sex. You're not looking for anything serious right now after being married for so long. I think it is a good time to just go out and date and figure out who you are again as a single woman. So I think that you and I.

Am learning a lot from the younger. Yeah, you learn a lot more mature than me.

Well, right.

Yeah. That was the funny part that I told this guy. I'm like, oh, you're such a young person, a kid. And actually, he taught me things that I never even knew were out there, so.

Well, there you go.

See the youngster now. Who's the youngster now?

I love it. So, see, just remember, they're actually doing you a favor. You're doing them a favor. And I think that you just got to get out of your head and have some fun. You deserve it. You really do. You've been a mother of five children. Go have some fun. Learn something. Take some notes, and who knows what you'll be in, like, even six months from now. But just don't be so hard on yourself. And you have my permission. Go forth. Use protection. Okay. Bye, Elizabeth. Thanks so much.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, God, you guys. The age thing, sometimes it is only a number. I mean, yes, it depends what kind of relationship you're looking for. If you're looking to get married, have kids, a long term relationship with somebody, it helps to be. They say, you know, there's some study that came out a few months ago. Like eight years is the ideal age. The spread that seems to work the best. But if you're like looking to be casual and have fun with somebody, I think that we're all just so hard on ourselves. Here's the interesting thing about Elizabeth, is that I think a lot of us do this. And I'm not sure it can come from a lot of different places in our lives, from society, religion, our family. But she's creating like this artificial barrier for herself. Why she can't experience happiness and joy with someone. It's because he's too young or because the children. And I think we do that sometimes we stop ourselves from really having the most pleasure or the most productive lives because we. I don't know, we're in our heads and we're hard on ourselves. So if there's anything, messages that maybe you're thinking right now that aren't serving you anymore, this might be a great time to examine them or where they came from and set them free so you can go out and live the life that you want to live. Okay, we have Brielle. She's 35, from Florida, and she's afraid of becoming addicted to orgasming, to porn. Hi, Brielle. Hi. Hi. Tell me what's going on.

Hi.

Well, thank you so much for taking my call. First, of course, I've been married for a few years, and I've never really been successful with reaching orgasm either through penetration, oral sex, or anything.

Okay.

And so I don't.

I'm sorry. Ever. Ever in your life. I'm sorry, Ever in your life or just with your new partner?

Ever with anyone else.

Okay.

And so after listening to your podcast, I've been trying to do a couple things like masturbating more and practicing some mindfulness and getting myself in the mood. And so I've been able to orgasm through pornography.

Okay.

Yes.

Awesome.

Yay.

Okay. Success. Great. Okay.

Yes. But it hasn't really translated anywhere else. And so I can't have an orgasm without the pornography, either by myself or with my spouse. So I feel like I'm kind of just stuck now.

Okay, so tell me what you're doing. So this is when you're masturbating on your own? Are you using your hands? Are you using a toy?

I mostly just use my hands, and I can just rub over my pants or whatever I'm wearing. So it's not really any touchy feely type thing because I'm really not comfortable with that yet. I'm just trying to get warmed up.

Okay.

But I also just recently bought the intensity, and so I've been trying to work with that.

Yes, that's great.

Yeah, that seems to help things along much quicker, right?

No, that. Because you're. The intensity builds your Kegel muscles and it does it for you. And I had the same experience I did every day for a few months. I mean, I still do it now for maintenance, but my G spot orgasms became so much stronger. Okay, so now it's easier to orgasm. That's good.

Yes, but like I said, I can only do it if I'm watching pornography.

Okay, well, the good news is it's only been a few months, right, since you've started watching porn and connecting to orgasm. So that doesn't mean that's a truth, Right? Right now it feels that way. But this doesn't mean that this is your. You're only gonna have to only be watching porn to orgasm, so you're not addicted at all. In fact, you're calling me at the perfect time. This is all good. And you. Have you talked to your. Is it your husband? Right. And you. Have you've talked to him about this or that? You're.

Yes, he is totally aware. And we've actually one time or two times have tried to watch pornography together and tried to do things, but we've turned it off beforehand and it just has not been successful.

Okay, so what kind of porn are you watching? Is it the same kind of porn? Is there a certain genre?

We actually started watching a show that you had two of the girls on the other day. It was kind of like 50 shades of gray.

Yes. Skin diving. Okay. Right. Okay, good. And that. That. That. Okay, great.

And then just random pornography as well.

Okay.

There's no, like, friend or anything like that that we watch together, Just male and female. That was it.

So that's. Okay. So that's. That's good that you guys are trying to do it together. Now when you said, I want to back up to something that you said, you said that you're not really comfortable yet touching yourself except for over your pants. So that's where I'm gonna start. Because I'm not gonna be so concerned with your husband right now as. As Far as you being comfortable with your body. So what's not comfortable about it? What does that feel like? What are you nervous about?

So if I touch myself, I feel like I'm just touching my arm or like it doesn't. I don't really get any sensations or anything like that. The only thing that really gets me in the mood is if, like, I watch pornography or even like my husband and I together, I get excited and whatnot, but I can never reach a full orgasm.

So I'm learning there's a few things could be fun for you guys to, like, do mutual masturbation where you're both watching porn together so he's kind of like closer to you in the room. And then you're used to masturbating, making your orgasm face. Or maybe there's some fear, you know, something about intimacy that you're uncomfortable with because you're with your husband. So I would recommend that that's kind of like a bridge that you're both in the same room, but you're masturbating. But also, it sounds like. Have you guys ever played with any, like, role playing or dirty talk or anything? Because it sounds like you were really great, active imagination and that you're visual and you like, you know the story. So maybe he could narrate some stories to you and some like, dirty talk about. I'm picturing this right now. And so it just sounds like it's the words that's getting you there. So I think you guys could start to bring some of these elements into your own sex life.

Yeah, that sounds like a great recommendation.

Yeah, there you go. Because sometimes just even them narrating it, like saying, hey, it's really hot. I'm picturing this. And he's telling you back with the scene that you guys watched. And I think that just sounds like you need some more of that stuff. And that would be really help you get there because you're so close. You've come so far, Brielle. I'm so proud. I love it. So try that and then let me know what happens. You're not addicted to porn. You're doing nothing wrong. In fact, you're doing everything right. I so love that you called. And best of luck to you. You got this. You really have to let me know because I love this story. So I'm following you along on this journey. You're welcome. Bye, Brielle. Have a great night. Bye.

Bye.

I love it, you guys. I love when I give you orgasms. I mean, you know what I Mean, not specifically, but through the show. That makes me so happy. And I think this is interesting because it's like what I always say, you guys, just because we orgasm in one way does not mean that is the only way that we can experience pleasure. This goes for men and for women. So to constantly be expanding your sexual repertoire by trying new things. If you feel like, yeah, maybe I am addicted to porn, then just try. You know what, I'm gonna watch porn for the first five minutes and then turn it off. Or I'm actually gonna read erotica. Or I'm gonna try, you know, incorporating other things. It's like everything. It's kind of like cross training your sex life so you don't get stuck in one place with it. One kind of orgasm. If you just keep mixing it up, it's A, more fun and you're getting that variety that you want. But B, you'll realize how much potential you have for not only so much pleasure, but so many different kinds of orgasms and ways to get there. When we come back, I'm answering more of your calls. First up, Jim needs some advice because his wife wants to start having sex with other people.

Okay, our next caller is Jim. He's 50 from Washington, and after years of ups and downs, his wife wants to have sex with others. Hey, Jim, thanks for calling.

Hey, how are you?

Thank you, I'm good. So tell me a little background here. What's going on?

Well, I met my wife 14 years ago when she was 28. I'm 10 years older. She was just coming off an abusive relationship with a guy who was 30 years older than her, by the way. And so when I met her, she was having a come to Jesus moment, surrendered herself to God and the whole thing. And when I met her, she wanted to find a godly man, Godly marriage, which is what I was into then and which is what I wanted. So all during our marriage, she had a very, I'd say a lack of an appetite of sex. And I thought it was due to the past relationship, the past abuse. So I kept it really low key. Sensual as opposed to sexual. In other words, boring. Okay, told me you're a great lover. It's all about you. It's, you know, it's, I just want to please you. I don't have those desires anymore. And then about a year ago, she threw God out of her life. She threw religion out of her life, and she feels emancipated. And what I found out is all those years, basically she's just been lying to me. She has told me that I've wanted sex all along. It's just been boring with you. I've been lying to myself. I've been lying to you. Now I want to go off and see other people. And that's where I am.

Jim, I'm so sorry. That sounds. Yeah. You've been through a lot. That sounds like it was. It's been a rough. A year ago, she came to you and said this.

About a year ago, she stopped going to church, stopped reading her Bible, which she did every morning. And then the sex between us was very different. It was like this volcano came out. And then it would go away, back to normal, little demur girl. And then a couple months later, same thing. And then back to normal. And finally I came home from a trip and she said, I want to be separated. I need to explore myself. I need to identify myself. I want to have sex with other people. I don't know where I am right now.

Okay, so.

So what's happened and how did you react? So what's happened with you two since then?

So we're separated, and I'm having, you know, trouble with the idea of her wanting to go out and have sex with other people. When Emily. I thought I was giving her what she wanted all those years, you know what I mean?

And she didn't know what she wanted. I know.

I want to go through this with.

Other people, you know, I'm so sorry. Cause this is not an easy situation. But it sounds to me like she's been on this. She's been seeking. Right. So she had religion, then she gets rid of religion, then she's back into it. It sounds like there's a lot other things going on with her right now. And I don't think you could have changed this. Like, this has not. Even though this probably feels like a gym, it really doesn't have anything to do with you because it sounds like she's doing her own thing. And I really think it doesn't. And I know that's so hard to take in because you want. Like, I want her to see that I'm the one. And I made all these efforts, and I've been for 13 years, and oh, my God, how dare she. And I get it. And you're allowed to be angry and to be upset and to all this stuff, it sounds like it's been a little tumultuous for a while. And the fact that she's just able to up and leave and she's telling you one thing, and she's Been lying to herself. It sounds like she really does have some serious personal work to do and it might not be just the healthiest fit for you. So in a way, while it's painful, I feel like she's doing you a favor. Even though it hurts right now and whatever you can do now to heal from it and move on, were you feeling throughout this that you were very satisfied? Like you thought you were doing everything right for her? And I'm actually wondering.

Well, I wasn't satisfied, though. Not at all.

Well, see, here you go, Jim.

I wanted to be sexually.

Exactly. So, Jim, it's so right. Takes two to tango, right? There's two of you in the relationship, and you're being the pleaser, the great husband, doing everything that she needs. I want to know, Jim, like, it sounds like you weren't getting your needs met as you're saying as well.

No, not at all. That's the hard part. Now I know she's this sexual person who I always wanted her to be, and I feel like I'm out of my sexual change now.

Like, I get it. So this is like anger. This is frustration. This is like, how dare she? I can't believe it. This isn't what I wanted. She's changing, and that's all really legit.

I'm over it now. I'm actually willing to stand back and let it run its course. I just don't want to feel like, you know, I'm an idiot for doing that.

Right.

My friends are saying, hey, show her the door. I'm actually willing to be her friend right now. That's what she wants me to be. And I'm willing to take this journey with her.

But what are you getting from this journey right now? Are you still. Are you starting to get your needs met?

I think she's very screwed up right now. She's got a lot going on.

Sounds like it.

I want her to know that I'm her friend. And if we're going to come back together again, I think we can use this trial to build an even better relationship, a more open sexual relationship. If she sees me stand by her now, I'm thinking it could pay big dividends for the future.

Yeah, but, Jim, I think if she sees you take care of yourself and start to ask for what you want, that will pay big dividends for both of you. But to me, to say that you're going to hang out and wait for her, right? She's just been back and forth and lying to you and all these things, and she's Confused that we don't know she's the wild card here. We know about you, Jim. We know that you're caring and that you're thoughtful and that you're a good husband and you're a good man and you have discipline and you care and you have a big heart and you can still wait with her and be her friend. But I really want you to take some of this time and really focus on Jim and what you actually need from a relationship and how you can give self. Okay, so tell me. Tell me what you're doing.

I'm involved in new activities, so I'm a lawyer, so I'm involved in a lot of stuff. I'm doing more pro bono stuff outside side of my work. I got some new fitness challenges. I'm involved in a lot of volunteer stuff. So I'm not clinging to this and then fix it mode anymore.

I was in the beginning on me.

Right now she's loving it, too. She's seen a different sort of deal going on.

Okay, that's good. Then it sounds like, okay, well, then you sound. Sounds like you're at a healthy place for with it. No one's going to understand. Our friends are going to say, oh, God, she's crazy. She's doing that. And I'm not going to say that to you. I'm. I'm caring about you and what you're doing, and it sounds like you're taking care of yourself. I feel like you're in a good place with this. You're not putting all your energy.

I have a certain timeline, and you know, I'm not going to wait forever.

No, you shouldn't, because she's already shown you that you don't know what's going to happen back and forth. So as long as you keep taking care of yourself, surrounding yourself with people who are actually good and supportive of this, it sounds like you're doing the right thing. I support you. Keep me posted. Okay, Jen. Let me know what happens. Thank you.

I love your show.

Thank you. Thank you, Jim. So good to talk to you. Best of luck. Bye.

You too. Thank you.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. That's never easy to go through a breakup and when our partner's changing. And we know that relationships do change and evolve and grow over time, but the most important thing is to look at your part in a breakup or in a relationship. It's so easy to blame our partners. But once you can get clear on, hey, there's two of us here. What's my responsibility? And to readjust, take care of yourself. I was happy to hear that Jim's doing that, and I hope that some of you listening are like, oh, wait a minute. I'm not gonna keep blaming my partner. There's something I can learn about myself. How can I move and change and be stronger in my relationship or my next relationship? Okay, we have Megan, 24, from Denver, and she wants to know how to have anal vaginal sex without risking infection. Hey, Megan. It's a great question.

Hello, Emily. Thank you for having me on the show. I'm a really huge fan, and I love your podcast.

Thank you so much. I'm so glad you're listening that you found us. How can I help you today? Tell me what's going on.

Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been together for about two to three years now. And throughout all sex partners that I've had, he and I have, like, the best sex relationship so far, and hopefully it stays that way.

Great.

But recently we've been slowly getting into anal sex. You know, some days we'll try to penetrate a little bit day by day and see how, like, how further in we can get into it. And eventually we reached full penetration, and it was the best sex we ever had.

Great.

And recently we tried doing vaginal and anal sex like they do in porn. So, like, penetrating the vagina, and then they penetrate in the anus and back and forth.

Right.

And it felt amazing, Emily, like my boyfriend, that I endeavor orgasm so fast at the same time.

Wow. Yeah. Magical. I love it. Okay, so that's all good.

We talked about it after, and, you know, we just talked about how we felt, and we were just so happy that we were on the same page after all this experimenting with anal sex for, I want to say, a good three to six months. And what ended up happening, long story short, the next day, I was experiencing a lot of pain and pressure down in my vaginal area. And I wasn't sure what was going on because I never felt this sensation before, but it was very uncomfortable. We went back to my boyfriend's house, and his mom noticed I wasn't feeling very comfortable. So she asked me what kind of symptoms I was having, and I told her I felt like I had to pee, like, every three seconds, and I wasn't urinating anything. And so she told me I would possibly have a uti.

Yes.

My boyfriend took me to the pharmacy, and we got a test strip. I did the test strip in the bathroom, and it came out positive for a uti.

Okay.

So I ended up buying medicine for it, and within like, less than 30 minutes, pain was gone.

Okay.

And so I thought back, and I'm thinking to myself, what could have caused me to have a uti? Because this is my first uti. And I thought about it. I was like, oh, we had unprotected vaginal a.

You went back and forth.

Talk to a woman about it?

Yes.

So I told her, like, this is. In a way, it was unsanitary, but at the same time, it was just in the moment.

Right. It sounds amazing. And they do it in porn. So here's what happened. You got some bacteria in you. So what happens is when you go back and forth, which they don't show you this in porn. This is why I love porn. But what they don't show you is that you actually, for example, if you're using condoms, you'd have to change the condom before you went into the vagina and then into the anus and back and forth. You always have to. But since you're not using protection, you're in a relationship or maybe you're on the pill or something, you have to at least make sure that you're clean. So I think that what you just. That's exactly what happened. You got some bacteria, and then that is what caused the urinary infection. So to prevent that in the future, what you're gonna have to do is maybe you could do some stuff in the shower, have shower sex. Make sure before you have anal, though, too, that you're clean, that you've urinated, that you've emptied your bladder, that your hands. Both of your hands are clean and that you've gotten rid of. You know, that you've just. You've cleaned yourself all over because there still can be some feces, some bacteria. I mean, it just. There's. That's what happens with sex. There's a lot going on down there. So you want to make sure that you're clean and that. That you. You wipe off in between. And I know that's not hot, but it sounds like the two of you could make anything hot.

Yes. So, like, me and my boyfriend talked about it again, and we really want to try it again soon. Just. And we need to be more cautious about what we're doing next time. But so far, we've been doing, like, vaginal sex and ending often anal sex, and it's just as amazing.

It sounds amazing.

Other advice you can give me for cleanliness and.

Yeah, it's all about cleanliness. Like, it really is. It's all about being clean. It's about Your hands being clean. It's about making sure that your bowel is empty. You know, you don't have to, like, douche or do an enema. Some people do that. You really. You really don't. You know, your own. Like, when you're healthy and you've already released your bowel movements and stuff like that. So I feel like if you know your body, you'll be pretty safe. But you really always want to just. You guys can shower together and make sure that in between again, like, he washes off, you go to the bathroom, and then you can start again. And I know that's not sexy, and they don't show you that in porn, but that's. Cause that's not sexy in porn. But you guys could jump in the shower or the bathroom, use baby wipes. Yeah, you got. You have to, like, that's just the best way to be clean and then just pay attention. Have I cleaned? Is everything clean and pristine? So I can keep moving forward, but that's what it is. And also, urinating after sex is huge for everybody. Like, you should always go to the bathroom after sex, because bacteria. Even if you're using condoms, things get stuck up there. We got a lot going on, so that's what you gotta do. But just keep going with some. With some more precautions towards being hygienic.

All right, Sounds good. Yeah. I'll definitely talk to my boyfriend about the whole bathroom idea, because most of the sex that we do have is in his bedroom.

Right.

And he still lives with his family. So one of the precautions I'm thinking about is going to the bathroom, coming back, and then going back to the bathroom just to clean off. But I'll definitely talk to him about trying it in the bathroom and.

Yeah, and then you could also. Exactly. I get it. Because it's tough with roommates and family. You could also have, like, baby wipes or have, like, a washcloth with some soap on it, but that's a little messier. But you could do that. If you use several baby wipes and you get cleaned off in your bedroom, you'll probably be okay with that too. But shower sex is always a good time. Just make sure you're clean and have fun with it. I love it. I love that you guys took it slow and that you went along. Thanks, Megan. Okay, I think this is a great question, you guys. There's two things this brings up me. First of all, guys, porn is meant to entertain you. It is not an educational tool. It's not specifically showing you how to have sex. So the second you're copying things in porn like this, for example, it's not always going to bode well for you and your sex life. So remember, you always have to go to the bathroom after sex, men and women, and just you want to be clean. And this goes for all kinds of of sex. Make sure that your hands are washed, fingernails, and especially for anal sex, if you're using condoms again, you have to change condoms if you're going from the back to front, front to back. That way you can avoid urinary tract infections to the best of your ability and keep on having amazing sex and incredible orgasms.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Sex with Emily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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