Best Of: Where Did My Orgasm Go?

It's so frustrating and disappointing that I can't have an orgasm with a man. I am thinking, is this going to be the time? And I am totally in my head.

Because our brain is the most powerful sex organ. So if our brain is saying, is it gonna happen? Is either one, is this gonna there's no space for the energy to move through your body, for you to feel connected, for you to feel the sensations that are going on.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Attention. The orgasm has left the building. What does it mean when you can orgasm with one partner but not another? Or when you can squirt but not climax? How do we create those delicious sensations without getting too up in our head about it? On today's show we're talking all about orgasm and how to unlock it. I answer your questions on how to orgasm for the first time at any age, what to do when you're unable to orgasm with a new partner, how overall health affects your ability to climax, and how to create masturbation routines that support the orgasms you deserve. If you have a question of your own, call me anytime and leave a voicemail. 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. You can also message me at sex with emily.com askemily Please please, please rate and review Sex With Emily. Wherever you listen to the show. It really helps to get the show out to more sex positive people like you. My new articles what yout Penis says About yout Overall Health and five Super Hot Lesbian Sex Positions are up on sex with emily.com all right everyone, enjoy the show.

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by jju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super soft, ultra quiet and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera. And right now you can get 20% off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20% off@sexwithemily.com h e r A so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it.

Before I get into your excellent orgasm questions, let's talk real quick about an orgasm. What is an orgasm? What happens in your body? Well, an orgasm is what can happen when you reach the height of sexual arousal and it usually feels really, really good. So when you have an orgasm, you climax. Some people call it coming. The sexual tension increases until it reaches this peak state. And then you'll feel that all this pressure and tension in your genitals is released now. So signs of an orgasm. A lot of you like, I don't know if I've had an orgasm. It can be again, a pleasurable feeling in your genitals. You'll feel some tension release. Your face can flush, there could be some shaking. Your heart rate, breathing bite quicken. You get these feel good hormones that are released. But remember, if you can't orgasm, totally fine. You are not broken. There's nothing wrong with you and we're going to get you there. I found that some people are just unable to orgasm because they focus so much on the fact that they can't orgasm. So that makes it harder. That means you're not in the moment and you're thinking, is this gonna be it? Am I gonna orgasm right now? And then they miss out on the whole experience. Remember that sex isn't all about the orgasm. Sex is about connection and intimacy and feeling good. So if you focus on the pleasure, you're more likely to experience an orgasm. Here's a great way to do it. Stay present and be mindful using the five senses. You're with a partner and you're having sex and you're worried about orgasm. Ground yourself in the five senses. What is happening around you? What are you hearing? What are you smelling? What are you tasting? Are you feeling your hands on your partner's body? Are you smelling the the candle that you lit? Are you hearing your favorite playlist? When you run through the senses, it grounds you in the moment. And then you can't be anxious. You can't be in the past or the future. And if you're struggling, orgasming with a partner, it's really great to take some time on your own to figure out your own body, masturbate what feels good to you, because that takes the pressure off of having to perform for somebody. And, and you're worried that your partner, you know, is worried that it's taking so long. But there is something called the orgasm gap. People with penises take on average about five minutes to climax. Well, vulva owners take about 18 minutes to 20 minutes. That is a big gap. And so that's why a lot of vulva owners have this pressure to orgasm, because our partners, you know, got there way before we did. And so that's also why it's really important to focus on arousal and all the things that are leading up to other parts of sex. You know, I don't think that sex should be so focused on penetration because for the majority of vulva owners, that is not where you're going to have the most pleasure. You're going to have it through kissing and oral sex and touching and massage. And the more you invest in those kind of behaviors that feel good, orgasm is more likely to happen. It does not happen during penetration for the majority of vulva owners. Finally, toys, products, lubes, all these things will just help you on your orgasm journey. Whether you've had one or you want to have multiples or you want to have more intense orgasms, lube is just a no brainer. Have lube on your nightstand. So join me in this episode getting you all well on your way to more pleasure, more orgasms, more connection, more and more fun. Onto your questions. Kelly, 30 in British Columbia. Hi, Kelly, Tell me everything. What's going on? How can I help you?

Okay.

I'm on a journey of rediscovering my sexuality. And it took me a while to get there, but basically my biggest insecurity is that I've never had an orgasm. And I'm 30 years old and it's really bugging me. And it's took me some time, but eventually I started therapy and I did learn a lot. And I'm in a really good place now. But it took me time to even talk about it at all. I would like start crying if ever I spoke about it at all. Now I'm like getting to a better place. Yeah. So I recently started seeing someone and the first time that we were intimate together, he made me squirt. And I felt like he unleashed something that I didn't know I could even do. I was like, well, how does this make sense? How did it take 30 years for me to do this, Unlock this superpower that I feel like I have and I feel like finally I'm, like, part of society and I'm a normal human being and like, maybe I am able to do other things and I just don't really get it, though. I don't. Like, I thought it was going to be me who would have to do the work, but it seems like it's kind of this guy that unlocked something in me. I don't really get it, and I don't even know what my question is. Like, how do I. I want to have an orgasm. And it's not the same thing.

It's not the same. You can squirt without orgasm. You can orgasm and not squirt. You can squirt without orgasm. It's all. It's connected, but not necessarily so. Have you masturbated on your own and you've tried to orgasm?

I don't often at all. Like, I've concluded that I. I must have, like, a very low sex drive, and I don't really feel the need to masturbate.

I mean, I would say. I would argue that everyone needs to masturbate and that sometimes sex begets sex. So the more that you masturbate and figure out your body, first off, that's how you're gonna have an orgasm. And probably. It sounds like you probably had sex with people. It hasn't happened yet because then you could be on your own. Like, that's how it's going to happen. That's how it happened for me. You get a toy.

I feel like it's like homework sometimes. Like, I don't want to, like, sit down and like, I don't know. That's how I feel about it.

Does it feel good? Does it. Does it ever. Does sex feel good for you?

Yes, it does.

Okay.

I don't hate it at all.

No.

I want you to like it. I want you to get to loving it. Is there anything that you did. You grew up with, any messaging around sex, that it wasn't okay to masturbate?

Sort of like, I feel like it. I definitely had a different mind frame about it, which is what I've learned through therapy, like, to love myself and to see it as a positive thing. So I feel like there's a lot of elements into play there. Like, therapy has resurfaced, that I've been assaulted, and I feel like that does not. Did not help my case. So I. I worked on that, and I process that through therapy. So I feel like there's a few elements there that come into play into why I am the way I am.

Yes, I think so. If you've been assaulted, you had a sexual assault at what age?

This would be about five years ago.

Okay, so about 25ish. Okay. That. That could be something to do with it as well. For sure. Unresolved trauma and not feeling that it's safe to be sexual.

Yeah, it definitely takes a lot for me to feel comfortable with a partner since then.

Right, that makes sense. That's what happens with trauma. Absolutely. It shifts our entire way of being sexual and thinking about sex and trust. So I hear you on all of that and I'm really glad that you're in therapy. So the piece here is that, is that it's really about you learning to connect to your body. You on your own in the bathtub, you get a fun toy. You could get something like the. The Jeju Mimi is a great beginner toy. Not even a beginner toy. It's not a beginner toy. I bring it. What am I saying?

I've often heard you talk about it. Yeah, I'm into that.

I talk about it all the time. But I really think it's just like if you put it, you just turn it on. I don't think this was charged, but it's just like, it feels really good. It's soft. You use a little bit of lube and you just sort of put it over your.

Vagina, your vulva, and you just sort of close your eyes, you take some deep breaths and you start, say, get curious about what it feels to be stimulated around all those nerve endings, the vulva, the vagina, and just start to explore. And if your brain starts going to like, what am I doing? And this is stupid, then you got to go back to your breath and. And back to exploring. But I really think a vibrator is going to be.

What could get you there. So take the pressure off orgasm and put the focus on exploration and pleasure.

I like that.

Can you get yourself. That's what's gonna get there. You're not broken. You know, I didn't have an orgasm until I was 25 and I didn't masturbate till I was about that age. And it was with a toy first.

Yeah.

So I'm with you. I didn't even think about master. I didn't even know why. This is something that we women often assume that we should be hit over our head with desire. Like men are. Like, men are more. Have responsive. Responsive or they respond. They are spontaneous. Men have spontaneous arousal. They get erection. You know, they're turned on. They see you, they're like, ah, but for a lot of women, it's. We respond to things. So we might respond to touch. Having something touch you or be thinking thoughts that turn you on could be the things that are going to get you there. But the pressure of being with a partner who's just touching you and doing all these things, like it's a disconnect. You got to do your own work first. Okay.

Yes.

You're going to get yourself a toy.

I need to.

Yeah, get some lube. Okay. I'm here for you. Let me know how it goes. We can continue to talk about it, you can send a follow up, you know, question and we can hop on the phone. But I'm telling you, it's going to be so empowering, it's going to change the trajectory of your entire sex life.

Definitely.

Okay.

Thank you for your advice.

Of course. I got you. Bye, Kelly. Have a great night. Thanks.

Take care of you too.

Bye.

Bye.

You guys. You are responsible for your own orgasm. Now. I love what she's saying, that her partner unleashed something in her. But the truth is she felt safe. She allowed him to unleash something. But that doesn't mean that still at the end of the day, we're responsible for feeling safe with. With ourselves, safe with somebody else, for exploring what feels good to us so we can explain that to a partner. But until we take our sexual satisfaction, our desires, our orgasms into our own hands, we really won't be able to, for many of us, be able to really explore and be as open with anyone else until we give that same focus and attention to ourselves.

All right, we have an email. It's from nick and he's 61 in Florida. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have a question about male orgasms. I'm 61 years old and divorced last year and I haven't had sex in about two years. About two months ago, I met a woman. We hit it off, especially in the bedroom. Are you ready? She's 28 years old and she seems totally cool. With my age, the sex is so good. With the help from the blue pill, we really go at it. I'm keeping up with her and our sex is awesome. The thing is about my orgasm. I can't seem to orgasm. When we are having intercourse inside of her, I stay hard, it feels great. But I usually have to masturbate to climax. Have I lost some sensitivity? Your thoughts? Here's the thing. First off, Nick, you sound very happy. I'm glad you found love. Remember, age is only a number. However, as we all Age, it can be harder to orgasm, especially for men to get erections. And that's because lower testosterone. Now, there could be certain medications you're taking. I'm not sure how healthy you are, but if you exercise and there's more blood flow to the area, it can also help you with orgasm and erection. Because I know you're taking a blue pill, which is helping with the erection. But there might be some underlying challenges with your overall health. You know, a lot of times people are like, I'm really healthy and da, da. But it is important to look at medications, get your testosterone checked because maybe you could take a bioidentical hormone. Those are all the things that could help you from a physical perspective. Let's talk about though, your orgasm, because I feel like there's been a lot of emphasis on her pleasure and it feels great for you. But you know, there's a lot of men who need a different kind of stimulation and a different kind of arousal. What have you in the past required to have an orgasm? You know, maybe there's a different kind of touch you need or a different kind of arousal. Maybe there's something, you know, sometimes we find that as we get older or different parts in our life, we need different kinds of stimulation. Maybe you need a harder grip. Maybe she, she could finish you off with her hand. Maybe you need some kind of warmup. Maybe it's dirty talk or there's some kind of fantasy you have that kind of amp your arousal. Because the more aroused we are, the more no matter what our gender is, no matter what her age, we can definitely have more orgasm that way, right? Building arousal, teasing each other, playing before you get right into the penetration. So I would think about your own arousal cycle, maybe what's worked in the past, and also be open to communicating her about what you need. So check all those boxes, get your health checked and have a conversation with her about your own turn ons and what might be required to get you there. All right, thanks for your email, Nick. Let's talk to Tasha, 44, in the Bay Area. Hi, Tasha, it's good to see you.

Hi, Emily, good to see you too.

How can I help you?

So I have kind of a really big problem. I think it's a really big deal. I was married 16 years in a relationship for 20 years with the same person and had orgasms regularly without any problem whatsoever. And I've been single now for a little over two years and I've had two partners and I cannot have an orgasm with them. Okay, so the first one, I was actually with the same person for eight months. So it wasn't. I'm not like a one nightstand type of a person. You know, I like, obviously like relationships. So, yeah, I couldn't the whole time. And he was a very kind and generous person that was very patient and tried for very, very long periods of time.

How did you orgasm in the past with your husband? What was going on? Was it during penetration?

Yeah, it was during penetration. And so I still have a hard time now that I've explored so much sexually since him, I'm wondering, was it the penetration or did he happen to hit another area in a certain way in combination with the penetration? Maybe, but I've never, ever been able to have an orgasm orally. Here's another thing. I can masturbate and have an orgasm very quickly with just my hands and my fingers.

Okay. Okay, that's great.

So I can orgasm all quickly by myself. So I know that I work.

You're not broken.

Yeah. Okay. So that's how I orgasm with my ex.

And it was during penetration, was there a certain position? Okay. And so you've tried to mimic that position?

Yep.

Okay. And now there's something to be said for it also being in your head around it. Like, is it going to happen? Is it going to happen?

Totally.

I feel like you have to. It was 16 years. Your body is like, literally trained to have an orgasm with your ex in that certain way. And then when it didn't happen again with this person for eight months, you probably, you know, I think a lot of it sounds like it's just you're in your head and it's anxiety that now you're worried it's not going to happen. So it's not happening. And so to take the pressure off yourself, what if you guys did a few little. Like if you did some mutual masturbation where you're masturbating and they're masturbating, they could watch and see what you're doing. And then you see what they're doing. You can show them what you know. They can kind of take a look with your hands. So maybe you're having an orgasm with them in the same room. So you feel like, oh, I can have an orgasm with somebody. And then I would also. I mean, the fact that you're so easily orgasmic, like, I wonder. It's so much of it is our head. So what are you thinking about during.

Sex at this point? Because it's so frustrating and disappointing that I can't have an orgasm. With a man, I am thinking, is this going to be the time?

Right?

Is this it? Is this it? And I'm totally in my head.

Okay, so that's exactly why. And this is like a lot of men with premature ejaculation, it happens to them once, and it is so horrifying that they can't believe they came so quickly, and then they develop premature ejaculation. So not in every case, but that happens a lot because our brain is the most powerful sex organ. So if our brain is saying, is it gonna happen? Is he the one? Is this gonna. There's no space for the energy to move through your body, for you to feel connected, for you to feel the sensations that are going on. And so I think that I would. Do you ever practice any mindfulness?

I'm a yoga teacher.

I teach mindfulness.

Okay.

So I'm not walking my talk.

It's okay. Since I forget to masturbate. I get it. It's hard being the leader. So, Tasha, this is amazing. I don't have to explain this to you, but one of my best tips is to focus on your 5 sense in the moment when you're having sex with someone, because this will be easier for you than many, I think, who don't have already a mindfulness practice. You might have to do this a hundred times during one session, but when you start thinking, is it gonna happen? You think, what am I smelling right now? You know, maybe you're smelling a candle. What am I? Where are my hands? My hands are around his body. What am I tasting, Smelling, Feeling. And then the second you ground yourself in those five senses, it immediately transports you to the present moment. You can't be worrying about the future of the past. How does his penis actually feel inside me right now? Okay, I'm feeling the ridge. Okay. I'm feeling this. Okay, that feels good. His hands on my ass. You know what I mean? Just. Really just. And you might have to do it. And I'm not saying it's going to happen the first time, but keep going back to your feelings. What is happening in your body?

I'm pretty good at doing that. So another little thing that pops into my head is that I don't know why or how this got developed with these last two partners, but I'm. I have, like, a fear of them losing their erection. And so then I feel like I need to hurry. Like I'm on a time crunch.

Oh, okay.

That might be a little bit like with my ex. I knew he never had a problem for 20 years. Like, got an erection. Like, all I did is walk by him in my underwear and he was ready to go. And I knew, oh, here we go. And then I knew I had to be quick because he was going to be quick and I'd be quick and then he'd be. And it was like this thing. So now I think the men I'm dating now are older because I'm older.

Right.

And I have this fear of what if they lose it and I'm about to orgasm and then they're going to lose their erection.

Wow. So it's like a whole narrative you've created. Look at you.

Yeah, I go crazy in here.

No, we all listen. We all have our things to know. But thank you for sharing all this because I. I can totally relate to the guy going down to me and staring at the clock and being like, how many more minutes is it going to take me to come? And then you don't come. Right? We all do these pressures, women. So you said you're not a one night stand kind of person. Have you talked to any of these guys about sex?

Yeah, actually, one of the first guy I dated is the one who told me about you. And we used to listen to you together. We were so open about sex and exploring different things. I had a lot of fun with him.

Okay, good. Can you talk about these things I find myself getting in my head? Because maybe all you need is for them to say, I'm not going anywhere. I don't care if I lose my erection. Like, I will do whatever it can to have you orgasm. Let's keep a toy on hand. Let me try to go down on you. Maybe your ex just didn't go down on you in a way and you think you can't come that way because he didn't have time, but it doesn't mean you can't. Okay, well. Or you might find other things. Like, I think this is a great time of exploration for you after being in one place for one relationship for so long. Maybe you don't know who you are in your 40s. It's different than you were in your 20s. I know that I'm a different person than I was. I feel like if you kind of present the sex conversation with your new partners about, let's explore together. I'm at a place now where I was in another relationship and I really want to explore new paths to pleasure. And so maybe we could slow things down. It might take me a little bit longer.

I mean, the guy I was with for nine months, he would Try for hours. And I would get. So here's another thing. I get. I get so close. Like I'm right there. And then it's like a. It's like a steel wall just like comes down. I almost have experienced more pleasure than I did with my ex sexually with these other two men.

Sounds like it.

But I'm not finishing. I'm like, just not going over there. That hill.

Yeah, I understand that. I really do. And what I love that you're saying we know exactly what the challenges are now because you're focusing on orgasm. And I tell people this a lot, but take the focus off orgasms and put the focus on pleasure. Where does it actually feel good for me to be touched? And that's such a great mindfulness practice to do with somebody. You could have it. So for 15 minutes they're pleasing you, then you're pleasing them. So you're just receiving. There's like an art of receiving and having them just touch you everywhere. It sounds like though you could have orgasms with your ex, the rest of it doesn't sound like it. Was that. That interesting? No, he was rushing. He was. You know, it sounds like he planted some anxious seeds in your head too, that I got to do this fast. So I think there's a new learning process here that you just have to be patient with yourself and realize that you just.

This is who you are right now and you get to explore something you probably didn't get to do before.

Okay. And then maybe release this fear that I have of that I'm never going to have an orgasm again with a man. Because that's what happens in my head is I think I want to have an orgasm with the man so badly.

So, you know, you have to set your intentions like before yoga class and stuff and your affirmations. Well, how about I am highly orgasmic and receiving of all love and pleasure. I'm highly orgasmic with men. Like, you can just flip it. I'm highly. Wake up, look at the mirror in the morning. I am highly orgasmic. Oh, I'm highly. It's just your narrative. You know this. It's anxiety. You've twisted the story and none of it's true. Like, you're going to have an orgasm. I'm not worried about you at all. You know exactly what it is. You're very self aware.

Yeah.

Okay. I like that.

I like that.

Thank you so much for your time. I can't wait to hear what happens.

Okay.

I love it.

Thanks.

Bye, Tasha. Have a good one. Bye. This brings up a roadblock that so many of us experience during sex. And that is our brain is distracting us, telling us things that aren't true, keeping us away from experiencing pleasure. So if this is you, and I think it's a lot of us, maybe we're worried about work or something that happened five minutes ago, or we're worried about something that's going to happen in the future. And it really will be helpful to share that with a partner. But to also develop a healthy mindfulness practice, you could try some mindful masturbation on your own where you're just paying attention to the sensations you're having in your body and not the thoughts you're having in your head. That's your homework assignment. We're taking a quick detour from today's episode to chat with Suki Dunham, the founder of oh My Bod. Oh My Bod has been a pioneer in the sex tech movement, creating high end luxury app controlled products. And for those of you who don't know, they are known for music driven sensations. So yes, your vibes can sync up to your favorite sexy songs. Hey Suki, welcome back to the show. I love talking to you about all things sex toys and innovation. You are the leader. Thank you so much.

I'm excited to be here.

You truly were the innovator with oh My Bod, bringing music and vibration together. And you blew my mind almost 20 years ago when you sent me the first oh My Bod. And and now you just continue to innovate and now my mind's being blown again because I just got your two latest products, the Sphynx and the Foxy and the Sphynx. You showed me a prototype of it at a trade show we go to every year. Talk to me about the Sphynx and what led to the idea of creating this product.

Well, just so your audience knows, Sphynx is actually an app controlled, wearable, Bluetooth enabled nipple clamp. I think what's cool and different about this execution, besides the fact that they're app control nipple clamps, which is super cool in and of itself, is the fact that we also wanted it to feel sexy. So it's got kind of a style, a jewelry style to it. So it has, you know, a necklace, you wear it around your neck, the controller itself, which kind of houses all of the electronics, if you will, and then you have the two nipple clamps that kind of come off of that. So it's just a real pretty stylish execution to then a very exciting product.

You said A lot there. You said it's a Bluetooth enabled remote controlled nipple clamps. And I think we got to break all of that down because some people are like, wait, you had me in nipple clamps? So let's just talk about nipple clamps and. And then let's work people up to this because I think the nipples and breastplates is super underrated. We kind of forget about them. I think that vulva owners could have a lot more stimulation than they realize. So talk to me about nipple clamps and why you decided to innovate upon them to share a little personal.

It's one of my favorite parts of foreplay and intercourse, you know, or there are hundreds of nerve endings in the nipples. People with vulvas, their breasts are more sensitive because of hormones. Although also our counterparts, our penis owners also can enjoy nipple stimulation. So the other cool thing about this product that we're always thinking about at oh my bot is being inclusive. And I feel like this is pleasure agnostic. Right? It kind of works for everybody. The other piece of this puzzle that kind of brought us to kind of the style in which we designed this was that a lot of the nipple clamps out there are a BDSM execution. So something that might involve pain as part of the pleasure element. This product is a little bit more, I would say, softer if somebody wants to kind of explore nipple play, because we're talking about vibration here. And yes, you can move the clamp up and down on the nipple to kind of increase the intensity in which the clamp is there. It can be a much softer introduction to nipple play. The other cool thing about this product, I don't know if I mentioned this to you, but you had mentioned earlier, we just launched also a app, controlled wearable panty vibrator called Foxy. And so what's cool is you can actually pair Foxy and Sphynx together so you can use them at the same time, so you can control them both with the app at the same time.

So talk to me about the app and all the different ways you can play with these vibes.

What we've done is you mentioned music first. That's kind of where we got our start in this industry, creating music driven vibration. So that's a big part of our app, a signature part of our app. And what we've done is we've given the user the ability to either access their Apple music or library, or they can also access their Spotify music library. And even for fun on our social media, we did this little piece where we kind of asked people to contribute their favorite songs to an oh my God playlist. So if you actually search oh my God playlists on Spotify, you'll find those and you can explore kind of other people's kind of experiences as it relates to music and using our products. But yeah, so you have music mode. We have club vibe mode. Club vibe mode is really taking in ambient sound around you and vibrating. So if you imagine that you were in a club, you were at a cocktail party, you were in your car on your commute, whatever is happening from a music or a sound perspective is translating right to the vibrator. So we had a customer whose partner played the guitar. So your partner could literally strum you to orgasm. That's all the things you can do with music and club vibe. And then we have what we call rhythm. And rhythm are basically built in vibration patterns. And we change these up and add to these. One of the funny things we at oh mybod are techie fans, as you might imagine. Tesla fans in terms of the type of technology that they've been able to bring to market. And in the cars, they have what's called ludicrous mode. So we have a little nod to Tesla in our app and you can actually put your vibrator on ludicrous mode.

We also can't forget the odometer, because that is something new too, that you can can track your orgasms. Yeah. You can set your goals.

You can track them. The other cool thing about the app that we haven't even talked about. Right. Is the fact that you can be anywhere in the world and be connected to your partner and control this app remotely and have a sexy session together. We also have live in app video, so you can interact and see your partner. You can also send them a little O notice. So whenever you have the big O, you can share that with your partner. And little hearts kind of float up on the screen with O's on them. So there's all these fun things you can do.

That is so fun, I'm telling you. Note to everybody. Your partner wants to know that you win you orgasm. Hopefully you're in a relationship where they're cool, that you masturbate. And when you are, I'm telling you, it's just hot for your partner to think that you're pleasing yourself. You're thinking about them. I almost feel like this is everyone's new sexting app.

Another feature that we really haven't talked about that's kind of also unique to us is the ability to control our products with your Apple Watch. So we have a special mode that's specifically just for the Apple Watch called pulse mode. And in pulse mode, what it does is it picks up your pulse that your Apple Watch does for you automatically, and it sends those vibrations to your vibrator. So. So your vibrator, your nipple clamp, your wearable panty vibe, it actually can be vibrating, say, to your partner's heartbeat, which is really cool.

Well, I love the way this has been executed. I was just dying to try them. And congratulations on all the new products and everything that you're doing at oh, mybody Foreign.

Emailed Jen, 23, from Columbus, Ohio. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've enjoyed your content for months. Recently, my boyfriend and I were talking, and I said to him that having orgasms and ejaculating are the same thing. He disagreed with me and started to look it up. His article said that there's a difference, but how can you tell the difference if there is one? Even after he read me one source, I still disagreed. I'd love to get your feedback on this. Thanks. All right, Jen. It's a great question because I get it. It makes sense, right? In your experience, someone with a penis is having an orgasm at the same time they ejaculate. So technically, ejaculation refers to the release of semen that involves your penis and your urethra. And the orgasm is that feeling of pleasure, pleasure, satisfaction, climax. And typically, they do happen at the same time, as if you know they're caused by the same physical stimulation, but you can also separate them. And it's rarer for men than for women. Like, women who ejaculate often can ejaculate, and doesn't necessarily mean they have an orgasm. But for men, we typically see it at the same time, which is why I understand your question here. But in some practices, like tantric practices, for example, when men practice tantra, they practice the art of orgasm without ejaculation. And it has to do with, you know, preserving their qi or their life force, which is what they call ejaculation. And that is a practice of just breathing and circulating their energy through their body while they're aroused, and they're just breathing into it. And then they have a practice of picturing their energy moving from their pelvic floor up to their head and then having it loop around. And again, this is a really intense practice. But I've actually know men, and I've been with men and I've studied this that can have an orgasm in their body without releasing ejaculation. So they are separate. And it can happen with men in other ways as well. They can still feel that feeling of orgasm without ejaculation. Men who don't have a prostate also don't ejaculate, but they can have an orgasm. So it's a little bit different. But yes, they are your boyfriend's right in this one. They are separate. But it's a great question, and it's one I haven't talked about a lot, so I appreciate the question. Thank you, Jen. We've got Trey, who's 25. Hi, Trey.

Hi, Dr. Emily.

How can I help you? What's going on?

So I suffer. Well, I think I suffer from what the Internet refers to as death grip syndrome. And that is kind of loosely defined as being able to reach orgasm while masturbating. But due to a repetitive and overly tight grip used while masturbating, you're not always able to reach orgasm during sex. And in my case, I've also struggled with masturbating without porn for about eight years now. So I think kind of my penis and my brain are kind of very strongly wired to those kind of sensations. And that's kind of giving rise to issues, masturbating without it and maintaining an erection during penetrative sex. So that's kind of caused me a lot of stress and guilt, and I'm kind of just trying to take towards reversing that and kind of gaining a healthier relationship with masturbating again.

Yeah, well, it's such a good question. It is really, really common, this death grip. So what we're saying is like your. Your penis sort of becomes desensitized unless you are really, like, you have such an aggressive, tight grip. Grip that it can be difficult to reach orgasm without holding, you know, having your hand hold it. It can be harder if you're having sex with someone else or if porn is done. You've gotten these. This scenario set up that you've, you know, repeated. Repeated, repeated that. That your body becomes used to it. But it doesn't mean that you will be set this way for life. But you just have to take some action, and it's not going to be easy, but it's totally possible, and you just have to be patient. Do you masturbate every single day?

No, I do not.

Okay. Do you always masturbate with porn, though, when you do?

Yes. And when I try to do it without it, my erections definitely aren't as strong. So I have to kind of Use even tighter grip to reach orgasm, which then kind of discourages me from doing that because I don't.

Okay. So the first thing I would say that maybe you should say like, you're not going to masturbate for a week. I know you're not doing it every day, but would you say it's a few days a week?

Yes, I'd say so.

Okay, so are you with a partner right now?

No, I'm actually out of a long term relationship. Six months out of that.

Okay. So I would say go for a week and then when you start again, you just want to go into it, masturbating, and do it slowly and see if you can get an erection without manually touching yourself. So it's sort of like you're rebuilding up to that orgasm again. And you know, porn, and not even porn is bad for you, but you use the word for everybody. But you use the words that you have, you have a problem around porn.

Yeah.

And so if you, you could either avoid porn or you could just reduce how much that you, how much you're going to use it. And then you can just try to bring it back into your sex life. But just, you want to do a lighter grip. You want to use, you know, lube. I don't know if you've heard of a fleshlight. It's a masturbation sleeve for a penis.

Yes, I have heard of that.

And my whole process, I want you to get more connected to your body again. I want you to start to feel the sensations in your body. So you could put a lot of lube in it and it will feel good. Like it has these ridges in it that kind of mimic the natural sensations of being inside of a vagina. And then every time you bring your hand into it, because what we want to do is your hand is now linked up with your sexual pleasure. Everything surrounding it's all about your hand. So what I love about the idea of using something like a masturbation sleeve is that you're going to start to disassociate that pleasure of always needing your hand going to your penis. So then your brain will start to. Because what happened is your brain now prefers your hand over anyone else. It's like, give me the hand, we're good to go. So using something like this, you could just kind of rewire your brain by training for it to get to know sexual satisfaction in a real way. Then you could maybe watch a little bit of porn. Or maybe you'll find that you just need, you know, lighter. I wouldn't do hardcore porn if you keep kind of elevating your porn. Have you had to elevate the kind of porn that you watch?

Yeah, that's kind of been my struggle with it. And, like, I'd really prefer if I can eventually get to the point where I don't need it. I can just use my creativity in my own mind.

I would love that for you, too. So if you're willing to maybe not orgasm or not stay hard, it's sort of like exercise. Like, you want to bench a certain amount of weights, but you're not going to do it on the first day.

Right.

So this is really just a practice of saying that I'm going to get more comfortable without porn. You know, using your mind, using your imagination, getting focused on what does it actually feel like right now. Maybe you're going to try it for 30 minutes at a time, and then you're going to start again the next time. You'll do 45 minutes and just being okay with not orgasming. You know, use a lot of lube.

All right, excellent. I will definitely give this a try.

Let me know how it goes. I'll be here for you. You can email us. Let us know, or call in again and we'll. I'd love to hear it.

Absolutely.

Thank you so much for calling. I appreciate it. Bye. I would say all of us who have reliable orgasms in one way have pretty much trained ourselves to orgasm. We do it with our left hand. We're sitting in this certain position. We always use lube. We always watch porn, and that's great. I love that everyone can have orgasms. If you can't have an orgasm, that's fabulous. However, everything that is worth having in life.

Takes a little bit of time, takes a little practice, takes a commitment. So if there's something in your life, you want a different kind of orgasm, you're not happy about the way you orgasm. Try this out. This works for anything. If you always masturbate on your stomach, you can flip over on your back. If you always use toys and you want to have an orgasm without a toy, then take the toy away and just say, I'm going to start to think my way there. I'm going to use my hands again. I'm going to use lube. I promise you, if you can have an orgasm one way, you can have an orgasm in other ways. But most of us don't want to take the steps. So just have this be a new practice. Try it out tonight. Try it with your partner. Maybe you guys could have a new, like, let's try to orgasm differently party. You could be on the same team as each other. Keep each other accountable. So let me know how it goes. I'm here for you. Okay. This is Teresa. She's female and she's 30 years old. Hi. So tell me what's going on.

Yeah. So to cut to the chase, I find it really hard to orgasm now that I'm pregnant. And everything that you read online, they say, like, oh, you know, your orgasms are amazing, like, all the blood is rushing there and that. It's like the total opposite for me. Like before I got pregnant, I had no problem orgasming and now it's like so hard.

Okay, well, I want to tell you that I don't know what you've been reading online, but it's very, very common for women to have all different experiences. I've heard that too. Some women say, oh, I have the best sex when I'm pregnant. Some women say, do not. And what I have found though is the third trimester for many women, your uterus can't fully contract during an orgasm because of the size of the baby. So you might be extremely stimulated but unable to have a full on climax.

Okay.

You might find that in your first trimester there was such a big leap that you felt like you, you know, there was an extension or your body. Because it's all about anatomy. Right. How you usually orgasm. So things are changing down there. Like the parts that were placed to give you an orgasm are shifting around. Your body is changing so much right now. And so, and it's probably a big change just in the last few months. So I would just say, I promise you you're gonna be okay. It's gonna come back. And you're just getting started with this. So that's why you probably. There's so many different theories about what happens during pregnancy, but for every single women, it's different.

Yeah. So for me, one of the first things I noticed was, you know, first trimester, you're like super bloated. It's really uncomfortable. And we norm, like I normally have sex with my husband at night. So then we switched it up and we said, okay, let's try it in the morning. And that was definitely more comfortable for me. But then your recent podcast from Anal August inspired me. So prior to now, we haven't done like anything anal. And I thought to myself, well, why not? Let's try it. So I got a vibrating butt plug and that was a total game changer.

Nice. This is amazing.

I Ended up solving my problem. But.

Yeah, it was just when this first happened to me, I thought, oh, my God, this can't be the next eight months of my life.

It's not. And you're already feeling more free and you already took the pressure. Did you have an orgasm that way with the.

Yeah.

And it was amazing.

I'm so. This, this is the best anal August story I've ever heard. I'm serious. That is what it's for. You know, I love this. I mean, so many things are going to, you know, change throughout, but look how you just adapted and you're like, okay, I'm going to try this. And there you have your orgasm. It's really just because your body's changing. There's just probably just discomfort right now, but sounds like you solved it. No, you will have orgasms. You'll have different kinds of orgasms. You have another few months to now to see some women. It's. I've heard so many. Yeah, you're going to be fine. And you're exploring and you're talking to your partner about it. You're already adapting. You're already saying, okay, we can't do it at night anymore. Let's have it in the morning. Let's try a butt plug. I can't wait to see where you're going to go. I don't even know what's going to happen. We all get so set on how we orgasm.

Yes.

And yet once you expand your definition of pleasure and what's possible.

Find out you have orgasms in a lot of different ways.

Absolutely. And like I said, we never really explored anal before. So this was like after I came, from the first time that we used the vibrating butt plug, I. All I could keep saying was that was a lot because it was just like so much. It was so intense.

Right. Exactly.

Awesome.

What did you feel and do? How do you usually orgasm? Do you usually orgasm through penetration?

It's a combination of penetration and clitoral. So, like, I always orgasm on top. So I'm like kind of grinding on him. And with the butt plug, it's almost like I was vibrating from the inside. It was like I had a vibrator, you know, inside my clit. It was amazing.

It's amazing. It is. The thing is, like your, your G spot or your internal clitoral nerves is there's just a very thin membrane between your butt and your internal. Your G spot. So it's like, it would make sense. So they're just like a very thin area. So that's why? You know, can feel so good for many women. Now there's some vulva owners who just don't have orgasm internally or their body's shaped differently. But for you, it sounds like it was a great fit. I mean, not that it can't feel great for people, but for the way you orgasm and the way your body, your anatomy is, it sounds like it was just right.

Yes, it was.

Okay, thank you so much for calling you. Really, this is so, so helpful. And congratulations.

Thank you so much.

Is it your first, Your first baby?

It's my first, yeah. And I just entered my second trimester, so.

Okay.

I'm a little nervous about, you know, the whole labor and delivery and all.

That, but I understand that. Keep me posted how it goes though.

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, well, congrats to you. Thank you so much. Bye. Here's the thing about anal exploration. There's just whatever, whatever gets you excited to try it. Maybe it's just an exploration or maybe your inability to orgasm. This goes for all genders. Try a little anal play. You could try it with a finger, you could try it with a toy. And remember, it's okay to have sex while pregnant. Your baby is protected by amniotic fluids and you can have great sex because of the blood flowing to your vulva. Just be sure to find good positions for your body since your weight distribution is different and it will be changing throughout your pregnancy. Plus, we have a great article you might like on our site sexwithemily.com how to keep having good sex while pregnant. Just have some fun, explore and communicate. We have Mark, 50, in Cincinnati. Hey, Mark.

Hi, how are you?

I'm good. How are you? Thanks so much for calling in. How can I help?

I've had high blood pressure my entire life. It was inherited from my parents. Both had it and there. And I've been told by doctors that sometimes I can't get off because my blood pressure, you know, I have a great erection, but I can't get off because of my blood pressure. And there's other times I can get off with no problem. And there's other times I can play with myself, have sex for two, three hours and not get off. Is that a cause to high blood pressure?

Yeah, it could be. It's all about blood flow. So if you're having that, there's just less blood flow to your penis. And so there is an impact that if you have high blood pressure that that is going to have a direct correlation to your erections. And it won't be every time, but it Will could get worse over time. It can also interview with sexual desire. It can impact your ability to ejaculate. So I would definitely talk to a doctor about it. Have you done that yet?

Yeah, I've talked to my doctor. She said, you know, I have no problem getting the erection, but she said my getting off all the time could be caused by, you know, the high blood pressure. Yes, but there's no problem there because I'm. I can stay hard for, for a while, you know, and I'm not a fast bummer anyway.

Well, that's, that's the thing is that it can, it can also impact your ability to have an orgasm, which is frustrating.

Yeah, it does do that sometimes and sometimes it don't. And like I tell my wife, I said, tom, sometimes it don't bother me because it's just, you know, the being able to please her and feel her means more to me sometimes than my own.

Right. Well, what about getting your health, you know, in check and seeing a doctor and, and trying to work on your blood pressure? Because that would definitely help. Are you, do you exercise? How's your diet, nutrition?

Yeah, I, I exercise well. She told me I went for my annual physical and she told me I needed to get back in the gym to get my numbers back on because the lisinopro I'm on, I'm behind the. On. On the highest you can get, you can't get no higher. She says if I can't get my numbers down, she'll have to add another pill.

Well, you say you are taking medication right now. Oh, see, that's also going to impact your ability to ejaculate. And I'm telling you, getting your blood flow going and exercising will help every area of your life, including your erections, your ability to desire and ejaculate. So because it's blood flow, so you're circulating, if you're getting, if you're getting exercise and you're moving your body, it's going to impact penis. You're going to have more blood flow everywhere you want it.

Yeah, that's what I told her. I said the more I exercise, the better off it is for me.

Yes. Can you, can you get, get a workout buddy? Can you put it in your schedule? We all have the same hours in the day. And if you know that it's going to have you help you with your sex life and your connection with your wife, that should be. You know, I don't know what your, what motivates you, but to me, that sounds like a good Reason to get into a workout routine.

Well, we've been together a little over a year and a half. We just got married May 1, and ever since we've been together, there's a night we don't unless she's really, really tired. We pretty much have sex every night of the week, but we change it up. Like when she's off and she don't have to work the next day, we'll explore, you know, like tying her up and things like that. But during. During the week, when she has to be up at 4 in the morning, sometimes we don't get to do a lot of exploring.

Okay.

A lot of play.

Sounds fun though. Maybe on the weekends or you get a hotel room or something. Yeah.

Listen to your podcast. And I love them. And it's helped me so much with what I've tried some of the things you said, and it's really made an impact with her. It's like really turned her on because I. With actual intercourse, I can get her off sometimes I. She can have multiple orgasms.

That's amazing. I'm so glad. Well, that's why we're here. That's why I'm here to help.

So I really listen to you guys a lot and I appreciate all the advice because I started right before when I got with her. I've been exploring anal and I've checked with my doctor and they said just because they said guys got the same sensors as women do.

Yes. You know how I feel about anal.

For all started exploring. I've got to get a trainer kit so I can. Because the thing that I got that I had her put a strap on, on use, it was just too small, you know, she. It was too short. So it was actually hard for her to get some good movement. So.

Okay.

Slowly experimenting that way she don't want it, but I told her I'm willing to try it.

Okay, great. That's. I'm so happy to hear that. Prostate, Female G spot. It could be. You know, I think that you'll like it.

Yeah, part of my problem. My doctor said I have an enlarged prostate too, so it shouldn't be hard to hit, you know.

Okay, well, keep your health in check. I love this. I love that you guys are exploring. Let your wife know that you called in that you're working on this because maybe she can encourage you to work out. Maybe you can work out together. You got this. We released a really great episode with the guys from Mind Pump. It's called Sexually Fit. We talk a lot about working out and how it directly impacts your sex life. So you might want to listen the to that one as well.

I did. I listened.

Oh, good.

I listened to it on the way home. I had to go to Tennessee, see my dad, so I listened to it on the way home while she was sleeping.

Oh, I love it. Well, you sound like really loving. You're into this. I would just get your health in check and take care of yourself. I'm so glad that the show's helped you stay in touch.

Yes, it has. Thank you so much.

Bye. Mark, let me now go. I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but truly, our health, our nutrition, the foods we put in our body, how much we move our body, all are going to have a direct impact on our sex life and our ability to feel pleasure. You know, like Dr. Amen says he's been on a few shows with us. Dr. Daniel Amen says, you know the problems, if you have problems in your brain, you're probably gonna have it in your penis. And I just think we don't realize how interconnected all of these things are. If you're taking a medication, it might be impacting your ability to get a wreck, stay hard, have an orgasm. So in keeping your health top of mind and seeing doctors, we also have to keep moving our bodies because there's direct cost correlation between our health levels and our abilities to experience pleasure. I know there's a lot to pay attention to, but it all matters.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739A. Go to sex with emily.com ask emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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