Best Of: Your Two Breast Friends

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jiu. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super so soft, ultra quiet. And it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20 off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sexwithemily.com h e r A so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by associate producer Jamie, and we're talking sex, relationships, and everything in between. Topics include specific tips to take breastplay to the next level, recognizing relationship anxiety and how to manage it and move past it. Ups and downs of the male refractory period and moving from being a pleaser to actually owning your pleasure. All this and more. Enjoy the show.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com and check out all of our amazing content we put up every day. I'm very proud of that fact. Our blogs and subscribe to the Podcast that really helps us and I'm so glad you're all here today. Thanks for listening to the show. We've got a fun show today and I've got a fun person sitting here with me. Jamie. Hello. Hi, Jamie. You all know Jamie. Jamie's with me for two years. We just had her two year anniversary here at Sex with Emily. We take that very seriously.

Yeah. I can't, I can't believe it. It's been great.

She started as a little intern.

I've gone, gone through the ranks, you know, from intern to part time to full time.

Yeah. And it's been amazing to watch you grow and change. I feel like you are really just like killing it right now. And I'm so impressed and grateful for your time and your energy and chillness and always making me laugh. Yeah.

I love you so much.

I love you too. So I'm glad you're sitting here with me today because we've got a lot to cover and I want to talk about you and your experiences. But first, let's talk about our October contest, because October is not over until it's over. So I know that it's a big month. Halloween. Jamie did a super cute video.

It is really cute. It's on the website, so you can definitely check it out. It's our sexy tricks and sexy treats.

Exactly. You wanna explain the contest?

Yeah. So basically we're taking Halloween back for the adults. Kids love it. There's candy, they get to go around and all that stuff. But there's also an adult side to Halloween. We dress up sexy. We tap into sides of ourselves that we don't usually during the year. So what we mean by like tricks, like, okay, so do you have like a go to move that you like, know, like, makes every person you've been with go crazy? It makes you go crazy. Do you have a position that you're like, this is a great position if you need like G spot simulation or if you need, you know, pee spot stimulation or what have you. And then treats. So, like, do you have like a pair of lingerie that you always like to wear?

Yeah. Like, is there a sexy lingerie that you, that you want to put. I was thinking about the day because I had a date and I was like, oh, I haven't had that. I'm like, which underwear? Do I not think that I was having sex or what makes me feel the sexiest?

No, but I think it gives you confidence.

It does give you. That's what I'm saying. Like, I had to change out of my underwear that wasn't so confident. Building confidence, Right? Okay, so lingerie.

And then maybe like, you have like a favorite toy you like to use. You know, we want to hear about that.

Sexy tricks or treats. So just email us your sexiest tricks or treats by November 1st. Exactly.

So you have all the way up until Halloween. So even if you, you know, you can get inspiration on that night. Do it. Send it to us. Email.

Exactly. Feedbackexwithemily.com so, Jamie, speaking of sexy tricks and treats, so you've been here for two years. Do you mind if I reveal your age?

Yeah, that's fine. I'm 24.

You're 24. So when you started, you were 22. So you were 22 coming, you know, and you, you were always that girl that, you know, your friends came to you, you talked about sex and stuff. But now that you've been here for two years, what about, what do you think that you've learned? Like, your sexiest tricks or treats, for example, we can take that. Put it in the sex with Emily format. What have you, what have you learned here? I mean, I see that you've change as a team member. You've done a lot, but I'm not with you when you're having sex. I mean, in spirit. But what do you think has changed for you?

I mean, I'm just like, I'm more confident in asking for what I want and like saying, hey, like, this is what I need you to do. I mean, I don't say it like that. I say, it's like, you don't go, hey. I don't say, hey, what are you doing?

I didn't teach you that.

No, I was just like, you know, a way I've been able to, like, up my dialogue, I guess communication, communication wise. And that's like, I think the most important part. And that's what everything follows with that. Also, I like to say, for me personally, I love being on top during sex. And I've learned, you know, to really, like, use my PC muscles and clench and grind, and that's how I can get my G spot orgasm, even if the dude I'm with is not up to par.

Okay, up to par. Meaning.

Meaning, like, he's not doing much.

Got it. So talk to me about that for a minute. Was that something that you did before or you learned that kind of here through cleanse? Because it is true, women don't realize that those muscles that contract, your keto muscles, those PC muscles, the same muscles that you use when you stop and Start the flow of urine. That's how you locate them. That those are actually the same muscles that contract when you have an orgasm. So when you're having sex and you tense and relax those muscles.

Yeah. No, I never like before had really. I had done it randomly just because I'm like, oh, can you feel that? Does it feel good for the guy?

Because you're like the guy.

But then like, I started doing them. Like, I realized that when I get closer to. To climax, it, if I use those muscles, it actually helps me along to like get there pumping them.

Yeah.

And I didn't do that before, but then, you know, you talk about it a lot, a lot of different things with that. And it works out for me pretty well. I'd say it pretty well.

I love that. So you're able to have more orgasms than frequently with a partner.

Yes, exactly. Which is great. And I've always like, liked sex, but I've always been like a pleaser, which is, you know, I still like to be a pleaser, but now I'm like, I'm gonna get mine too, for sure. Especially cause I'm single. So I have a lot of casual encounters.

Yeah, mostly.

Mostly you've had.

You've had dabbles.

I dabbled in emotions. And, you know, I don't necessarily like it that much. I do when it's good.

So this is something that I kind of feel like it's changed. But then I also know that sex education is not where I want it to be yet. But just like you, I was a pleaser. And I know that talking to younger women now and women of all ages, that we still somehow are socialized, that it truly is about the man's pleasure or your partner's pleasure and not about us. And I think we do that in so many areas our life, that we're pleasers and we're caretakers and we're nurturing, which is part of being female. And I. And I understand that. But when it comes to sex, I mean, I just love that that was something that you were able to take away. Like, it's not that we're not pleasing the men, that's very important, our partners, but that we also have to take care of ourself.

Yeah. And I like, I feel, you know, people will email in and say, like, oh, is this selfish of me? And it's like, it's not selfish to know what you like, you know, like all of a sudden it's not all about your partner. It's also about you. It's supposed to be, like, about each other, about your own experience together. So, you know, I'm always like, no, don't. It's not selfish at all. In fact, it's just equality. That's what it is. Equality in the bedroom and equality in the world while we're getting there in the world.

It's almost like if you're playing sports with someone, a guy, you're playing tennis, you're like, I'm just gonna let him win, you know? Would you do that? No. No. It's up both of you.

I'm so competitive.

Competitive, right, Exactly. You wouldn't do that. Why would you do it in sex? I'm just gonna not really, like, hit the ball over the net right now. I'm just gonna have him do his thing. So that's great. You've gotten a boatload of treats here at Sex with Emily. So what are your favorite accoutrements? During sex or just in your whole sexual life? It could even be masturbation. I know you've got, like, every toy and product on the planet. You probably had to get a second home for them, but is there anything that you're like, after two years is my go to favorites.

Yeah, well, I mean, masturbation wise. Like the Womanizer. Always, always, always the lips.

We talked about this.

It literally lives under my pillow.

It does? Which one?

The one I sleep on.

No, not your pillow.

No, your mom's pillow. Which womanizer? There's so many, but they're all sort of the same.

Well, yeah. Okay, so I've graduated. I've had, like, almost every version of the Womanizer. And, like, whenever I get a new version, I kind of, like, leave the other one. Like, in case I don't charge the current one I'm using, I'll use the other ones as backup. But I use the to go all the time. I mean, it's. It's.

It's a lipstick one looks like, right?

Yeah, it's smaller. It's the lipstick one. It's really. It's like, really easy to clean, which I also like. And, like, the silicone tip is a little bit deeper than the other ones, so I feel like it covers the clitoris a lot better.

Right, good. Yeah, I agree.

But then, sex wise, I've only used a couple actual, like, vibrating toys during sex. I really liked the pivot from we Vibe, which is a penis ring. It vibrates. It's really great. Like it especially because, like, like I said, I like to be on top and, like, grind. It's perfect. For that.

It is perfect for the grinding.

Yeah.

It vibrates.

It does.

One size fits all.

Yeah. Yeah. Use lube, though.

You have to use lube.

Yeah. And then I've also used the G Vibe mini, but I started out using it, like, during oral sex that I was performing.

Right. Cause you could kind of.

It's. Cause it's shaped the way it's shaped. It kind of looks like. Oh. Like, I want to say a wishbone in a way.

Right.

It bows out. So, like the. It's, like circular at the bottom, but then it, like, bows out. So it's like, kind of like when you put your hands up, like you're shrugging.

Right. Exactly.

So if you just use that to stroke the shaft while you're, like, performing oral sex, like, on a low speed, guys.

Yeah. Don't you find, like, your partner's penises like that?

Yeah, like, a lot.

Yeah. The vibrations feel good. That's cool. And then lubes. I know. We've had loops for days. Is there a loop? I. I just kind of grab. What. I kind of try them all out.

Yeah.

What I like. But, I mean, it was Joe. But I've got so many.

Yeah. I really like the watermelon H2O1 that they have.

Yeah.

But then I also. They have, like. I really, like. I tried. I haven't used it during sex, but definitely I've tried it during masturbation. It's like they have this clit stimulant. I think it's called, like, Arctic or something like that.

Oh, the cool one.

Yeah. So it's like. It's a cooling sensation. Like, it's so. It's like a buzzy feeling, and it's cold. And then when you use your vibrator, it's, like, intensifies that.

Oh, that just turned me out. That just got me, like. Yeah, it's really good.

No, like, sometimes I'm like. I literally, like, take a break, make a sandwich, go back to masturbating.

I have days like that, too, where I'm like, I just can't stop. I just keep getting orgasms, and then I don't leave the house. That's fun, Jaime. That's lots of tricks. Okay. So, Jamie, I just love you, and we're just all grateful that you're here, so thank you for sharing that.

So sweet. I love being here. I really do. I, like, love this job.

So glad. Yay. You're awesome. And now I want to ask you the five quickie questions.

Oh, no. Being put on the spot.

Here we go. You didn't know I was going to ask you. Okay, Jamie, what's your biggest turn on humor and biceps? Okay. Biggest turn off cockiness.

Overly cocky. And now that's pretty much it.

Okay. Sexiest part of up your partner's body or a partner's body.

Okay, so besides the biceps, right. I have to say like, that, like, it doesn't have to be defined, but that V area on a guy. And I love a good man, but a good man. But a good man.

But do you play with the butt? Like, grab the butt?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Love grabbing the butt. I did not know this about you. Okay, what's the one thing you wish you could tell your friends, all your future partners about your body and your needs?

Like, I know that some people would think that of course my breasts would come into play during sex a lot. And they do sometimes. But, like, guys don't spend very much time on them and like, preach, like, literally, dude, if you spend like a good like even three full minutes on my nipples, like, you don't even have to touch my clit.

Exactly. It's like, it's like a hack.

No, it is.

Really. And Jamie's got amazing breasts, so I don't. I want to nuzzle. I want to nuzzle your breasts. We were doing our two year anniversary. You guys could check it out Instagram. We did some fun pictures, but, like, you do have a great rack. How do they just. How do they not?

I mean, it's like, I don't really mind.

Are like, I can see. Not that I want them to skip over it, but just. They're there. But yours are like. I. I don't know.

Oh, I think guys are just. They're more.

Lately more guys are into. Into the butt now.

Right.

But also I think it's just kind of like they're like, oh. Like they're visually pleasing and they. But I don't think they really know, like, what to do.

So what would you tell them? How would you describe what. What should a man do? And again, every woman's different. But let's take your breasts, for example. If that guy spent three to five minutes on your breasts, how would he approach those breasts?

I mean, you just start, like, obviously be like with making out. Move down to the neck area. Like, you know, go down a little bit and then like, you can like suck on them. Use your tongue. Like, flick it around.

Let's be specific though, because if we're saying that guys don't know, and I agree with you now that you guys and this is not bashing men. It's just, like. I think it's confusing. I think they're like, do I grab it? Do I twist it? So with his hands, with his mouth.

You can, like, start, like, with maybe your hands on one and your mouth on the other. Like, be very delicate and use just, like, two fingers. Like, like your thumb and your index finger. That's what it's called.

Right.

Okay. And you just, like, you know, lightly, like, play with the nipples. Like, play with that area, you know, like. And then maybe use your mouth a little bit. Use your tongue. Kind of, like, use your tongue to caress and circle, like. Like you would with a clitoris.

Right? Exactly.

And you just kind of play and, like, clitoris upstairs. Yeah. And then pay attention, like, to whoever you are with and, like, how they're responding. And if they really like it, you know, maybe, like, suck a little more. Like, maybe use a little more pressure. Just kind of even, like. Even just, like, literally, like, playing around with them, like, using your hands, kind of massaging them.

Massaging. And underneath, too. I feel like the underside of the breast is, like, kind of kiss that area. Like, kiss the underside of it or to just kind of rub it. Like, we're wearing bras all day. It's uncomfortable. That area could be really sensitive. There's a lot of sensitive tissue. Just even around the breast, too. Yeah.

And I think that if guys just, like, you know, just like, take, like I said, and you always say, like, slow everything down. So I think that's a big reason, too, why it's like, guys kind of, like, even if, like. I mean, I usually have partners that will, like, perform oral sex on me, which is good. So there is foreplay, but it's like, they still rush to get to that.

Kind of like, someone just starts the movie in the middle, and they go right down there. You're like, what happened? Like, I'm just. I feel like it's a big. Now that I don't believe me. Oral sex is awesome. But I kind of feel like you just missed over the beginning. Like, you kind of like, say hello to my breasts. I feel like it's part of it. At least acknowledge them.

Yeah. It's like, you know, it's like pretend you're in an elevator and you need to, like, stop at each floor.

Right.

Pick up some pleasure on the way until you get all the way down to the lobby, which is the pleasure.

And then you might have forgotten something in your office. You might have forgotten something and you go back up.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. You can go back up, but just don't totally skip again.

Exactly.

That was great, Jamie. That was a good public service announcement for the breasts. Now let's get into some sex in the news.

Ready?

Okay, good news. Relationship anxiety is normal.

I mean, it is good news because it's normal, but it sucks that it's normal.

Right? And I think that my thing about relationship anxiety is I feel like there's always going to be a little bit of anxiety in a relationship. And I know that at the beginning of the relationship as well. Like especially these days. Is he going to text me? Does he not text me? What did this mean in the text? Because people aren't even talking anymore. So there's so many more things to be anxious about. Like that feeling when someone doesn't get back to you. And. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. The thing about relationship anxiety is, yes, it's normal, but we're also going to give you some ways to deal with it because I think we all experience it at different points. Some people are more anxious than others. Certain things can trigger you, but here's why and here's what you can do about it. So there's a lot of reasons why we might feel anxious in a relationship. It could be childhood issues, it could be from your past relationship you had with someone, like, let's say someone cheated on you, or there just wasn't a lot of healthy behaviors going on. So it could be lack of trust, fear of abandonment, you know, questioning yourself, your compatibility, you know, am I good enough or are they good enough? You know, am I too good for them? So I think that we always experience in a relationship some sort of unease about, you know, what we're getting ourself into. So that's normal. That's a normal problem. But it's a real problem, I think when it becomes debilitating when you find yourself constantly obsessing about the relationship and it sort of takes over your life and you find yourself kind of be self sabotaging as well. When you start to doubt your partner and you keep bringing it up, you're like, what did you mean by this? And I'm not trusting you. And really, a lot of times it doesn't necessarily have to do with your partner, but a lot of times these issues have to do with ourselves. Welcome to the world. It usually is about ourselves. Because once we learn and we really own our issues and our challenges, it can be easier to specifically weed out what's our part of the problem and what part is our partner triggering us and how to have healthy conversations around it. So here's some signs that maybe your anxiety in the relationship has reached an unhealthy level. This is kind of like when you start to engage in these behaviors that might push your partner away. So it could be obsessing over your partner's social media accounts. Maybe you're Googling them. You've got your friends doing some investigating. Have you done stuff like this jam?

Okay, so I have been in a relationship where I did have a lot of anxiety, but I was actually like, I don't like to obsess over people's media, social media accounts. But there would be like, I think everyone, like, sometimes at least, like, they'll go, and you'll check the Instagram page, you'll check the Facebook page, you'll see like, who's interacting with, you know, my person. And so if you aren't trusting of them, you know, you'll read into things.

Right?

And I think that is, I think going through social media accounts is almost a way of self sabotaging because you're looking for there to be a problem, right?

Exactly. And then you're always gonna find something. Because if your brain is already wired to think this person's probably on a date with someone else or cheating on me, you'll be able to see that if they put a picture of a sailboat up, you'll be like, why is he at the beach? Who's he at? Who's he?

Exactly?

Like, who's he watching that boat with? You know what I'm saying? Like, you could create any story in your mind. You can start to falsely accuse your partner doing things that they didn't really do that you've no evidence for. So if you're feeling like your anxiety about relationships, whether it's about your attachment to the relationship or you're just spending way too much time worrying about things, here's some ways that you can overcome your relationship anxiety. First of all, pay attention to your behavior. Like, how often are you jumping to conclusions about their behavior? And do you really have, like, sufficient evidence to support the fact that this person maybe did something wrong? A lot of times our fears around anything, like, it could even be a fear around work or friends. It has to do with something that happened in the past. It could be a childhood memory. It could be something in the past with a past partner. So check in with yourself. What's really going on here? So what you could do exercise? I mean, for me, exercise helps me so much with anxiety. In all Levels of my life exercising. It's not just because you're going to feel better. Like it does release. I mean, yes, you feel better about your body and your health and all that, but it actually does increase serotonin. So it actually does release those feel good hormones in your brain. And for me, like, I love working out in the morning. That's always been my thing because I just feel like it sets me for a good day. But also whenever you can get it.

In, it helps get it in in many ways. But I. I totally. See, I just went back to the gym and I can't, unfortunately, I'm not a morning person, so I can't wake up.

No, I'm just saying for me. That's right.

Yeah. But I mean, I wish I could. I'd rather do that because it's so busy after work. Anyways, I felt really great, like going back. Like I felt productive. I felt like just happier. I just felt like I could actually like be in a place doing something and not have to worry about anything else. And I could just like, you know, keep running, you know.

Exactly.

I could just work out and like kind of like you. It's almost like a meditation without really getting into that meditative state. So it's great. It really is. I think it helps with a lot of things.

And I have to say, people are like, oh, but I have no time. I have no time. I mean, I think about Michael Moore, you know, Michael Moore, the filmmaker. I remember reading this years ago that he was always been overweight and he just started doing this 10,000 steps a day. And he lives in Michigan and Flint. It's freezing like where I grew up. And he was like, I'm just gonna walk. So it's not even like you have to do anything. But he would, you know, probably use his Fitbit or his phone now that has those apps. And it's like, I know you guys have heard this from so many different sources, but it really does help just to get out and move and get outside of your head. And it just, every time it works like there's nothing. It's kind of like sex. You never like really regret having sex with your partner. And you're not going to regret start moving because it just helps clear your head. The other thing, positive self.

As much as you can. And this is also another practice engaging in positive self talk rather than negative self talk. And this to me is a lifelong process. And I find myself a lot of times when I'll just be thinking of the worst case scenario about things. And all of a sudden, I literally will be like, everything's fine. Everything's good. And I'll even have a mantra in my head. Like, I have one that I always say, like, all I need is within me now. Because I love that. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

And I literally will just not even consciously know. I'll just keep saying that. Like, if I'm going to bed at night, I'm feeling anxiety, or I'm just driving somewhere worrying, I'm like, all I need. Because it's true. Most of us have. We're our own worst enemies, and we have all the answers that we need, and all we need is inside of us, and we can control it. So that's my mind. You can find something that makes you feel good. Like, I am okay. Be here now, whatever it is, to kind of. It's literally a practice that just gets your mind off of thinking these thoughts that can be sabotaging. This also increases serotonin as well. And this controls the part of your brain behind the frontal areas that are responsible for tension and judgment and impulse control. So if you find yourself being really judgy. And I do find this, when I switch it, I'm like, I have no room there to be judgmental, to focus on other things. It just helps you reset. Also, take a step back. A lot of times in the moment when we make impulsive decisions, that's what can make us feel anxious. If you step back and you think, you know what, maybe I'm not gonna do this right now. Even if it's like picking up the phone to check your partner's Instagram account or to send a text to somebody, that's an angry text. Like, they say you should always sit on it. I believe that. Take a step back in the moment if you're feeling like, you know, right now, I don't think think I'm in the healthiest place to. To be doing things. Take a step back, think about it. Pause. Also find ways to relax. All right. How do you relax, Jamie?

I like to listen to a lot of, like, just chill, laid back music. I like to just, like, lay back in. I have a Jacuzzi at my house, so I like to use that to kind of unwind. Because, like, I'm talking a lot all the time and people, like, I talk to my friends all the time. They're always talking to me. And, like, it's nice to just, like, be like, in a quiet, like, just, like, chill, like, quiet music. Just chill and sit by myself and just breathe.

Yeah. That's good. It's important I realize that too. I'm always going, I'm always talking. Even last night, I was driving home from work. You saw me. I was so tired. You're like, I've never seen you look that.

No, I really haven't.

Exhausted. I was so tired and I was like, you know what? And I. There was a lot of phone calls I had to return, a lot of things I need to do. And I thought, I'm just not. I'm shutting down. And I didn't talk to anybody. And it felt really good to take that time. So it's important. And then finally, if you feel like you're anxiety is just taking over, get help, see a therapist. I think everyone needs it at some point. But if you really find that it's just too much, talk to someone about it. Because the truth is that overcoming this kind of anxiety in a relationship and just like everything, it boils down to having control over your emotions and your mental process. And that's why when I say all you need is within you now. We can control this. You're the one who's planting these thoughts in your head. You're the one who's creating these scenarios. And when you kind of separate that your thoughts. Thoughts are not you. You are not your thoughts. And you can control them. You can start to minimize your anxiety about relationships and just have healthier ones and more sex.

Yeah, and I think, Yeah, I think.

When you're throwing the sex in thing.

Yeah, exactly. But like, it's hard to have sex when you're like full of anxiety and stuff like that. I think that's like, sometimes two couples kind of have like those dry spell periods. Because if there's too much anxiety going on in there, it's like, how can you like trust your partner and like relax and get into that mode of pleasure?

You're right. And you said something really important, I think about music and about sound, that I think that we underestimate the power of just having music playing or listening to something that really soothes you. You know, not the TV necessarily, but you know, and then also touch. So when you were saying couples, it's like, can you guys listen to music? Can you touch each other? Because even just if it's just massage and not sex or get a massage, like that really does help to calm down your whole nervous system and smell, light some candles, all that stuff. Thank you, James.

Thanks. Thanks for having me.

Of course. It's so fun. Okay, so we're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors right now, you guys, thank you for supporting them. God, I love all of our sponsors right now.

Oh, do you?

I mean, I always do, but they're really killer. I mean, we've got some great ones, and we've got. I love the new Donna products.

Oh, I. I, like, really need them.

I want. You eat them.

I need to find me someone that I can soothe and massage and that can do that back with me. I really want to use them. They all smell so good, and I just feel like I can use them alone, but I want to try. I want to use them with a partner.

My thing about these massage candles are that they are such a great. Donna makes these massage candles. They smell amazing. And the thing about a massage candle, it's like a twofer because I light it when I come home from work. I just light the candle. It smells amazing. And then if someone's coming over, you're like, oh, it's a fun little trick. You're like, oh, like, this is actually. Does that smell great?

Yeah, it smells like chocolate mousse.

I know.

Not like the gross fake chocolate. No, that's when they nailed it really good.

And then you can pour it onto your partner, and it's like warm oil. It's not wax. It's not, like, particularly super kinky. It just feels. It's like warm oil, and you pour it on your partner, and it's like a little. Little game, a little fun trick. That's a good trick. If you want to check out the Donna products, you can go to my sexwithemily.com store or just check out the Donna banner on the website. Okay, everyone, thank you so much for supporting our sponsors, and we'll be right back with your emails.

Emails.

Yes. I like these.

I know. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, that's amazing, text your questions to 797-979. And then you just text Ask Emily. It has to be one word to 797-979. You can also submit a question at sexwithemily.com via the Ask Ask Emily tab. And as always, include your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Hi, Emily. I'm a new listener to your podcast, and I love it. I'm 39 and single, and I've never been married. I don't have kids, and I've had some failed relationships. Perhaps we all have. After not having sex for a year, I met someone online to hook up with while I was on a mini vacation. I'VE never done something like this before. I was really nervous, but the sex was great. He was very giving and wanted me to be comfortable. There was a lot of kissing before, during, and after. And he stayed to cuddle. He didn't say much, and I just love that. And he didn't say much while we were actually having sex. I don't have a lot of body confidence and I have body image issues, so it makes me feel better when I get verbal feedback. I feel like I held back a little. I was nervous, obviously. I texted him after he left. I told him the sex was great and I loved how gentle he was as he was very well endowed. He replied, you're welcome. I sent one additional message and I never heard back. I'm going back to the same town in a few weeks. Should I attempt to contact him? I'm afraid of being rejected, but I really want to have sex again with him, and I want to be more free and more uninhibited this time around. What would you do? Thanks, Lynn. 39, South Carolina yeah, Lynn. Okay, here's the deal. I don't love that he didn't text you back after your second, you know, reply. And he was kind of rude, like, you're welcome. And I just feel like, yes, some people are challenged when it comes to texting, but I just feel like you're welcome and then not answering you back, you might kind of be setting yourself up for failure. I feel like the fact that you want to let go more and you want to have another, like, fling that there's plenty of guys in every single town, so I feel like you can find somebody else to kind of. To hang with.

Yeah. You know, I mean, don't get stuck up on that. This guy, like, it was great sex, because if this was me and the guy was just like, you're welcome, I'd be like, oh, why was it a privilege? Like, you know, you're welcome to kind of. It's just. To me, to me, I would be like, nah, on to the next.

Yeah, that's not very. That's not very loving. He could have been like, yeah, fun too. Like, how hard is it to say.

Yeah, I like it.

Your welcome is super not. Not cool. Okay. Yeah. And here's the other thing, I gotta be honest with you here, Lynn, is that you hadn't had sex in a year, so in your mind, it might have felt a lot better than it. We kind of elevate things. If you haven't, you know, if you've been on a diet or you, whenever you restrict or take something away and you try it again, it's so great. So I feel like, I don't know.

I totally agree with you. Like you, you get wrapped up in like, oh my God, the sex was great. And then you think like, I really want to. Like you said that you wanted to be more like uninhibited next time with him and I don't think that. To me it doesn't sound like he deserves.

He doesn't. Right.

So I think you can totally let loose with someone else and you don't have to be nervous. We all get in our heads. Like even me. Like, you know, especially when you're with someone new, especially if you haven't had sex in a while. But just know that like there is better people out there and there's gonna be even better sex. Like that's not the best sex that you, that you're ever going to have.

Exactly. And then also, to be honest, second time around, usually it's the novelty that makes new sex or you know, one night stands feel really good. So I feel like just go and also just go and have fun on your own if you don't feel like looking on the apps or finding someone. I think when you're on vacation you do have this thing. We were talking about this yesterday. I wanted to turn for Jamie Camp this vacation. Goggles.

Yeah.

I feel like when you go to a new town, everybody just, it seems, everyone's exciting and new and seems different. Like whenever I go to New York, I'm like, every guy here is so good looking. You know, people come to la. It's, I think, think we're just somewhere different. So I think that maybe just take advantage of being somewhere new. Don't put a lot of pressure on yourself. Just be your, you know, go out to dinner, meet some people and yeah, mingle. Be uninhibited with someone else. That's how we feel. Lynn, keep us posted. I want to hear how it goes. Okay. Hi Emily. My name is Marcus. I'm 28 and live in Nottingham, UK. I've been with my fiance for over four years and the sex has always been great. After four years, we still have it two to two to three times a week. Our sex life is becoming more creative as well. We use toys, lube, and of course our growing connection.

Aww.

I have a question. I know, I love this. I have a question about the refractory period. Once I reach orgasm, I'm literally done. I can prolong my orgasm to a point, but Once it's happened, I have zero drive for what seems like the rest of the day, if not longer. For the first few immediate hours, I'll struggle to get an erection. I feel generally a bit sore after sex. I don't want to masturbate, and it doesn't feel as good as the first orgasm. My better half knows this, and she doesn't initiate until the next day. I don't like this. I'd love for sex to be spontaneous, and I'd love to be able to have sex a few times a day. How can I reduce this refractory period and get an appetite for more sex sooner? Thanks, Marcus. 28, Nottingham, UK here's the thing, Marcus. Everyone's different when it comes to their refractory period. Typically, men, you know, in their 20s, they have kind of a. A faster refractory period. But there's a lot of things that comes into play, like your age, diet, health, are you on meds, exercise, are you drinking, taking drugs? And the only thing here that gives me pause is that you are young, you're 28 years old, and I feel like the fact that you're experiencing pain after sex and that it's taking you 24 hours, that doesn't feel like that it should take that long and that there should be pain. So I'm wondering if you're on any medication, if, if, you know, you drink a lot or smoke cigarettes. I mean, that's all stuff that can affect the male erection, because the refractory period, it's usually a few minutes to a few days, and the older guys get it does take longer. And definitely there is a period where your body shuts down. You know, your body's in overdrive. The sympathetic nervous system, which controls your fight or flight, kind of pushes your body to calm down, and that is what's happening. But typically, like, if you're. Oh. And it also, like, lowers your, like, neurotransmitters like dopamine, testosterone. And so that's what happens as well. And your serotonin spikes and takes a nosedive. And that's why guys often want to sleep after. But with. I feel like if you and your partner continue to kind of play around, maybe she gives you a massage or maybe you give her some pleasure that you should be able to, you know, typically get an erection again at least that day. I just feel like maybe there's something going on. I mean, or it could just be the way your body is, but I would get checked out. And just the pain thing, when you said that you have some pain. So when you say that the first few media hours you struggle and you feel a bit sore after sex, I'm wondering also, how much are you masturbating? So maybe also if you're masturbating a lot, I'm just wondering where that soreness is. Is it internal? Is it on your shaft? So I've got a few questions for you. But the refractory period, I mean, again, it differs for all men, but the fact that you're having pain and it takes 24 hours at least, I would get checked out. Hey, Emily. I'm also Emily. I love to learn about sex, and I want to be better at talking with my partner about what I'm learning. I don't want to come off too preachy, teachy and know it all. Sex freak. How should I start broaching this topic? So we're not just talking about it, but we're trying out some of the things we talk about. Thanks, Emily. 27, California. Well, Emily, I love that you want to talk to your partner about sex. And they're actually even asking how to improve upon the fact that you're even talking to them, because a lot of people don't even want to talk about it. It. So there's a few things here that we kind of some rules around talking about sex that are important that we emphasize. And location is important. So location and timing and tone.

Yes.

I would say those are some things to start with that you don't want to have in the bedroom right after sex.

Yeah.

You can say, like, that was amazing. That felt great. But you want to be like, I really think that we should try anal. Like, I just. Or next time could you do this or that. I just feel like the bedroom is kind of for sex, for sleeping. But if you are outside the bedroom, you know, I think it's great. Like at breakfast or, you know, like.

If you're going to the laundromat or you're taking a drive in the car.

Right. You're not making eye contact. It might be an easier time to talk about it. Timing. Make sure. Yeah. You're not stressed. You guys aren't rushing around. And I would just say that my top advice for you, just to make it more of a conversation that it's. I think that we can build it up in our head. Like, and because it is. It's a big deal to talk about sex with your partner because it's such a charged subject and you're. And you really don't want to upset him or Hurt his feelings. And so I feel like if you're just like, God, our sex has been, you know, I love having sex with you. It's been really fun, and I'd love to. Let's talk about some other things we could do. What are your fantasies? Or, like, what are some things you want to try? Or bucket list things that you, you know, go to a sex toy store together, talk, listen to the podcast together. I know a lot of couples kind of use this as foreplay. Sex only podcast, which I love. And you could also, again, like, make it more of a conversation. Like, God, I've been. When I was masturbating the other day, I was thinking about you tying me up. Maybe that's when you're offended. You could tell them that, like, I think that we all want instructions. Like, you want to hear what he wants. I'm sure he wants to hear what you want. So it's really just keeping it light and casual and fun and that you just want both of you to have some pleasure. And also, talking about sex can kind of lead to spontaneous sex.

Yeah. Because maybe it'll turn your partner on. You never know. And you could even just be like, hey, like, I was, you know, I was reading this article and it said, you know, all these different. These tips to starting, like, anal play, and I kind of got me turned on. I was thinking maybe we could try something like that. You know, you could just say something like that. Like, oh, I just saw it and it was fascinating and I kind of got turned on. And he might be like, oh, okay. Like, I have no idea. Yeah, let's try it, you know?

Yeah. I feel like you've. Since you've been having casual sex lately. Have you. Do you have any good, recent. Any examples about how you've kind of brought things up lately? Jamie?

I mean, like, if I've seen the person more than once and I want to try something else or I want them to do certain things. Like, I'll be like, oh, you know how last time, like, you touched me like this? Or you spent more time, like, using your mouth and your hands, like, when you went down on me or something like that. I really liked. You should do more of that. Like, I would like that.

Were you, like, at dinner or something? Or were you.

No, we were just chilling. We were just watching tv.

Right?

We're just chilling on the couch.

That's. See, that's how you do it. Like, thanks. Noted. It was casual. And you probably did that, right?

Yeah. And then, like, I mean, and the thing that you have to remember, too, is that it's not like a one time and then he's gonna get it kind of conversation. Like, you have to, like, reiterate it because, I mean, even me, like, people are like, like, it's even like making plans with someone like, hey, we should totally go out to dinner. And you're like, yeah, we should. But then if you never talk about it again, are you really going out to dinner?

Right, Exactly. And you don't confirm the plans. You don't set a date. Exactly. So I think that. We think that while I've talked to him about it or I've talked to her about it, I let her know once does not count.

It does not.

No. People don't change that quickly. Good points. Hi, Emily. I love your podcast. I recently just started dating again after a year of swearing it off. I've met someone and we've hit it off. I'm very self conscious because I'm prone to vaginal bacteriosis and yeast infections. The idea of having someone touch me down there even when I don't have an infection scares me so much. I don't want to have sexual contact with anyone. How do I regain my confidence sexually and emotionally? I don't want to push this guy away before even giving us a chance. Thank you. Julina, 28, Seattle. That is a really good question. And so I'm wondering, do you know what has been causing your infections, your yeast infections and your vaginal bacteriosis? Because there's a lot of different things that could cause that. It could be like the birth control pill could cause that, or oral contraceptives can cause that. If you have a lower immune system, if you've been taking antibiotics, if you've been wearing too tight of clothing. That's why cotton underwear is really important. I think we're all about these tight clothes these days. Like, even like exercising a lot with, like, tight pants can do it. So I'm curious if you found out what it could be like. So reducing moisture down there. So that's just. I mean, I'm assuming you've gone to your doctor and you've gotten help with that. So I would say that you gotta start just get back on the horse here, start having sex again and realize that, like, now that you probably know what to do to prevent it, or you've gotten some more information from your doctor that it's not as much of a risk or a fear perhaps.

Yeah. And then I'm wondering, like, what it is that she's Scared of. Is she scared of feeling gross to her partner or gross to herself? Is she scared of them causing another reaction?

Right. I. Good point. Like, do you feel like you still have. Because bacteriosis can have, like a certain scent to it. It's not. Doesn't smell great. You don't feel like. Right, so. Good point. Do you feel like you might have one and you don't know, or do you feel like you're going to catch it again?

Yeah. So maybe. I mean, if that. If it's kind of like you feel like you just want to be extra clean, maybe you can just shower before you have sex. You can use like flavored lubes. You know, Susan, Joe has like the water based lubes. Water based lubes that will probably be okay with. Because it seems like if you're prone to infection, you probably can't use too many types of lubricants like Joe's Agape. You can use that. That's really good. It has a lot of, like, natural ingredients and it's supposed to be for very sensitive people. So maybe that'll help. It just kind of depends on what is scaring you about these. These things. And. But it's like, if you don't have an infection, then you should just, you know, like, just get yourself in the mood. Maybe you need more arousal and that will get you in the mood and maybe you won't be as scared because if you don't have anything at that moment, then you're fine. Like, you're not gonna, like, they're not gonna be grossed out. Like, you're gonna be totally cool. And it's not even something that you need to share with your partner.

We're not. Share it with them. They don't need to know. They don't need to know that either. And I think that's a good point. Don't rush into sex. Also, Juliana, if you're not ready yet, it's okay just to kind of, you know, go out with some guys and kind of fool around, do some foreplay, make out. We just gave you some great breasts to have some pocket, you know, just, just don't. I don't want to push you, do anything until you're ready. But I do feel like if you're aroused and turned on and you're with a partner that you trust and you feel safe with, that you're going to get your confidence back slowly. So right now you haven't even broached it yet because it's been a while since you've had Sex. If you practice self care and you are communicative with your partner and you really don't push yourself to go beyond where you're comfortable, that you're gonna be okay here and your confidence will come back. Make sure you pee after sex. That's just always important. Yeah, pee after sex, pee before sex.

Yeah.

You know, just like it's all important.

Just in case.

That's my other tip. When you say you don't wanna push the guy away before giving us a chance, then just take it slow. You're gonna know when you're ready. No matter what age, no matter where you're at. A lot of us just rush into sex. Cause we feel like we should. And I just would like to kind of just let you guys know that we all, we all have a choice. And that the getting to know someone and the buildup towards sex over a few weeks or a few months is totally okay and actually can be really, really hot. And you're getting more information about the person that you're with. And I think that the more time that you're with someone and you get to trust them and get to know them, that this might not be as much as an issue for you. Juliana. Well, yeah. Thank you, Jamie.

Thank you.

Happy two years. Thank you. I love you. Thank you for everything. Jamie's also. She does videos. She's. All the blogs on the site are killer. Jamie manages the writer. She writes blogs. We've got some great things up there.

So, yeah, the blogs are really cool. And let me know, email us feedback how you've been liking the titles lately.

Oh, Jamie kills it on titles. Okay. I am dying. What was the schlong?

Talk about some of them. There is a blog about, you know, the breaks down, the anatomy of the penis, the different parts, like what feels good, all of that. And it's called Ain't no Schlong and Dance Guide to the Male Member. That is one of my better ones.

That was great. No, there's another. Every time I look at the website, I kill, I die.

Five Tips for a Hand Job. Well done. Six Finger Tips for Better Foreplay. Someone gets that. I really like puns. Don't know if you guys can tell you're punny.

And they're good blog so it's quality too.

Yeah, there is really good information in there. So if you haven't been checking out the website, like, you know, if you're, you know, whenever you're bored, just like, hey, like go get some few tips, you never know.

Love it. Good work. Okay. Well, thank you. Thank you everyone. Also, remember to follow us on social media because it's a good time there. We're doing a lot of fun giveaways too. Like we said, you can find out more information there about the podcast and everything. And it's all sex with Emily across the board. Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook and I love you all. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, Intern, Shannon, thank you Jenny, latest member to our team producer Lark and Michael and I love you all. Thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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