Best Oral, Worst Anal With Alex Cooper

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There's something again about him being so like, I just want it. I don't care if you just worked out. I don't care if you were just like literally pooping in the bathroom. I do not care. I want your vagina.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Sex eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

All right, I have a really fun show for you today. My guest is Alex Cooper, host of the Call Her Daddy podcast, which, if you haven't heard it, it's one of the most listened to podcasts on the planet. I also wanna welcome new listeners to the show and if you haven't listened before, just so you know, Sex with Emily. This is my 15th year of the podcast. It's a judgment free, open place to talk about all things sex, dating, relationships. You can always send your questions to feedbackexwithemily.com I love hearing from you. Also, in listening back to this show, I was thinking about something that when I was talking to Alex, I kept saying, well, I was a cheater. I was a cheater. And I thought I might need to Explain that more. So when I was in my twenties, I was serial monogamist and I would go from two year relationship to one year relationship. And I just had this sense that, wow, I'm just not ready to, you know, go from one relationship to the next. I was, certainly wasn't ready for marriage. I had a lot of other aspirations. I wanted to build a career and I wanted to be free and travel and see friends. And so as a result of that, I cheated a few times.

And.

And then I, I realized, oh, it just, it just really didn't feel great to me to be a cheater because it's not kind. And I didn't really know that I even had permission to just date a few people at once and be open and honest. So my journey in doing this show has been exploring healthy communication. A lot of what we talk about is how to communicate with your partner in a healthy way about your desires, about what kind of relationship you want. You know, hey, traditional monogamy isn't for everyone, especially in your 20s. I'm not saying it's not for everyone, but some people need to explore. Who are you? What kind of sex do you like? What kind of partner do you want? What's important to you? And so that's sort of been my journey, is figuring out who I was and who I am as a sexual being before I got into a relationship. So I just wanted to explain that to you, the cheating thing, and just a lot about who I am. I also have an awesome website, and that's sexwithemily.com. we've got so many blogs and posts every single day. Maybe a lot of the questions you have, maybe they've been answered on the site or definitely in another podcast. I've got thousands of them. So if you want to take a journey and go back and listen from the beginning, have a good time. So welcome to the show and today's show. So Alex Cooper, she walks us through her sexual journey. Having sex in high school, trying anal sex in college, all the way until she's actually having great sex now. And what is a healthy relationship for her? She also gives tips about FaceTime sex. All right, Intentions with Emily. For each episode, let's start off by setting an intention. What do you want to get out of listening to this episode? It could be, how do two people have a sex podcast, actually have great sex? My intention, though, is to show you how can you open up and try new things in your relationship. Get curious about your own sexuality so you can feel all the pleasure that is possible in your body. Okay. Survey. I have a new survey. It's our better sex survey, sponsored by our friends at Pure Pure Lube. And I just want to hear what you've got going on now. Like, what are your sex goals for next year? And there'll be prizes from Pur, We, Vibe, Womanizer, Yarlap and more. It is 12 Days of Sexmas. I want to hear from all of you. Go to sexwithemily.com survey. It's fun. For real. It's fun. It's a fun survey. It's going to get you thinking. But also, if you have a question you want to ask me, you can call me directly. Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific. So talk to me every weekday. I can help you take the next step in your relationship. The number is 888-947-8277. That's triple 894-78277. All right, enjoy the show.

Alex Cooper. I'm so excited you're here.

I'm so excited.

Alexandra Cooper from Call Her Daddy. You were on my show probably a year and a half ago.

Yeah. Wild.

And you've been through a whole journey, so I'm curious, like, how. How's your sex life changed since then? Since I saw you a year and a half ago. What is up?

Oh, my God.

I feel like you're changing and growing.

Yeah. I think in the beginning, it was so fun to overemphasize the sexual things that we were doing. So, like, the gluck lock. I'm like, oh, my God. This is how you give a blowjob. But I think as this show evolved, it sounds so weird, but my sex life kind of slowed down because. And that's why I'm here. I'm like, let's talk to the queen herself. Because having a normal sex life when you have a sex podcast is so intimidating to men and so navigating, trying to go on a date and they know that you have this show. And some. It's so funny when they pretend they don't know. They're like, oh, what do you do for a living? And I'm like, you know, you know, you know what I do for a living. It's definitely been a challenge and, like, navigating it. I don't really. Sometimes I get nervous to go on dates now, which is so not like me because I'm like, how they expect one thing and, like, I don't feel like doing cartwheels on a dick tonight. What about that? How about that?

I. I've never. This is so interesting because this has been so. I've been doing this 15 years. The journey has been the same exact thing I've had. I've had sex less frequently. Well, especially in the last two years since I started the show on series. It's like, oh, now it's five days a week. It's like the more you talk about sex.

Yeah.

The less it's easy to find someone because I do find that men are intimidated and then there's all these expectations, but you learn to like navigate that. So. But, but it's funny that that's exactly where I've never met anyone in this. That's why it's like a mirror. And I'm like, oh, I want to, I want to help you. I want to figure it out with.

You know, everyone listening. That's why I literally came to Emily. Because I'm looking at you and it is kind of stress inducing at times when I can tell obviously the right guy won't but like, there are some men that expect me to do the wildest things in the bedroom. And of course I love to do those wild things, but I want to do it on my time and my comfort and not feel pressured that, oh, he's going to go run and tell his friends. Like, that blowjob wasn't as good as she talks about on the show or you know what I exactly.

This is it. This is what happens. So people, there is expectation. You're like, I just want you to go down on me. I just want to cuddle, I want to make out. So I feel like what's helped me is I feel like I can tell. People ask me that, they're like, what are your parents think and are guys intimidated to date you? You probably get that every day, all the time. And it is. Well to back up a minute, it is true that I get all these emails from listeners. Oh, thank you. You've helped me. You've changed my life. And I'm like, great. I'm not having. I love you. You're all having fucking awesome sex.

So happy you're all enjoying yourselves. I am dry as the Sahara desert over here. Maybe with my toys, but yeah, it's hard.

Okay.

I want to hear about your dating life though.

Okay. Like so it evolved over the years.

Okay, so what was it like when you first started this?

When I first started I was dating somebody and I'm trying to think. I've been through so many.

Are you a long term relationship girl?

I was. So I used to BE in my 20s, I was a long term relationship. I go two years and then another two years, another two years. And then I was like, oh, I. Oh. And I was a cheater too. So I'm a form cheater.

I was a full blown cheater.

I was a full blown cheater. Never got caught.

Love that.

And then I was like, but this feels really shitty. And why am I getting together with someone so what I didn't know. So I've had to learn on the job. So I didn't know all the things I know about sex. Then I started the podcast because I was like, I don't. And this was 15 years ago too. Like, I don't know anything about sex. I was faking orgasms. I thought that sex was all about men's dicks, not my own pleasure. And so then when I started, I realized all the things that I was doing that were not working, I was like, oh, I can no longer fake an orgasm. Just be about them. So I learned the first few times people said, are guys intimidated date? You say you came out with call her daddy, balls to the wall. Literally, you're like, this is what we're doing. I was always a little bit more. I didn't talk about people I was dating until it was like more serious anyway. I was in long term relationships. I was a cheater to circle back. And then I was like, I actually don't want to be, I don't wanna be a cheater. And I was never oriented towards marriage and kids. I just knew that was never my jam. It wasn't interesting to me, probably because of a lot of stuff growing up, but that just. I was like, I want to build something. I want to change the world. I want to help people. So I wasn't oriented towards that. But then relationships, guys were always like, let's move in together. And they always. I felt that men were always escalating it faster than I wanted, which is. I always kind of felt like the dude.

That is so interesting just to hold that, because I've always felt that way. And I think that it is a weird dynamic because I know there are a lot of women out there and maybe they don't talk about it as much because girls will be like, oh, you think he's obsessed with you? No, it is. There is something where, like, because like you're saying you didn't have those things in mind, it does inherently then affect that you're not really trying to progress it past a certain point and you don't even subconsciously notice that you're holding back. But then it. Sometimes that makes a man want to then move forward even more. He's like, why isn't she trying to move in with me? Why isn't she leaving things here? And you're like, because I don't. There's nothing past this for me. So that almost can help you, but also then hurt you in the long run. Because it's like, well, I don't want it.

You don't even leave your toothbrush. I'm like, nope, make sure that. And then I'm like, because all my guy friends. Because I always have had, like, guy friends and really good girlfriends. I had all the things. And they used to be like, yeah, girls leave earrings at my house. They leave things. So I'll like, so I'll call them. I was like, you're like, I'm literally, like, scraping. I'm like, my housekeeper gonna come in, like, wipe this shit down. I was never here. I'm not leaving anything. But you are right that there's a certain. This is okay. So this is a great teachable moment for many women listening or people listening who are. Whatever gender you are. Is that. My friends used to say this to me, like, why are guys obsessed with you? Why do they want all this stuff? And I just think I don't. And at the time, now, looking back on it, it's because when you're not available in a true, authentic. I authentically didn't want to move it, or I had my own life, my own things going on. That is very attractive.

It's so attractive. And I think that in the beginning of Call Her Daddy, obviously, the show, we were. We were pushing the boundaries of being so outrageous to show. Like, no, if men can do this, then we can do this. But what I remember telling women, and I know at first it doesn't sound healthy, but it was like, if you act so uninterested and you can kind of adapt a few of the male traits in your brain, like, don't text him first and act like you don't give a shit and be, like, very inconsistent. I know some people, like, that's playing games. And I don't want to play games. But it does work. Because then all of a sudden, guys are so used to women wanting to nest up and be together. And if you're not the girl that's like, hey, babe, what are we doing tonight? And you're like, oh, I have my own plans. I have my own thing. Men are super attracted to that. So you saying you weren't Even trying to do that, because that's literally in your mind and your soul. What you were living. You didn't want to move forward. It is kind of beautiful to be like, okay, well, then you can also watch as men are just slowly, like, falling in love with you. And then you're like, wait, what? Because I have that in a lot of relationships.

So what's happening now, though? So, I mean, we can talk about my journey in a minute. But, like, I've done it all. Like, I literally. I'm at a place now where I've actually gone full circle looking for. I'm dating someone, get more serious.

Well, that's interesting to hear from you, Emily, because I do think a lot of women wouldn't be super open about saying, like, hey, listen, Like, I don't. I have never looked at marriage like something maybe I want. And I think that, like, women are scared to be that way. Men can say that, and it's, like, totally normal. But I, like, commend you and I respect you so much for, like, being like, yep, that's how I feel. Yes. It may be because of things that happened in your past, but at least you own it.

Yeah.

And I think everyone listening, like, it's like, that's such a good teachable moment. Like, you don't have to always do what society tells us we have to do. We don't have to get married. You could have a child or with someone that you're not married to and be so much happier than someone that is married. So that's beautiful. I think my. My relationships. I'm in therapy, so love it. Love it. And I look back on a lot of my relationships, and it's so fascinating. Cause now I can be introspective looking. I'm like, wow, now I understand why I made those decisions there. For a while. During the beginning of Call Her Daddy, I was choosing, actually, really, all my life, I was choosing men that I knew were assholes. I knew they were going to cheat on me. They treated me to my face. Nice. But, like, I knew that they were being shady, and I knew it wasn't going to last. And I finally am getting to a place where I'm understanding why I did that. And I think it's so important to, like, get behind the roots I have. I'm so driven like you. I've always known. I wanted to make it. I wanted to have some type of show and entertainment. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to make my own money. I. My mom raised me. Being like, you don't need a man to define you. You're an independent woman. Although my parents have the most beautiful marriage and they're so in love. She's always been like, but you don't need that. You can be on your own. So I grew up and I've wanted to make my own living and do my own thing. And so men to me were more so just an accessory, a fun thing, because I wasn't really looking for someone. And I know it sounds maybe a little selfish, but I was like, I don't think you can bring half of what I already give to myself. I'm very full inside and I love myself and I'm really happy being alone. I love being alone. It's like my favorite thing.

Same.

So I think, yeah. So I think men sometimes I'm like, I don't really want your company. And anything more serious to me is like, would just be a waste of my time. So I started picking guys that was more like a game. And I liked the game.

You like the game? I thought you like at the time you like.

I did tell you because I think it's like, I love a challenge and that was a part of it. And I loved just, like, fucking around and just being a little bit manipulative and like, cheating or whatever. And I thought it was. It was a thrill on the side of me grinding through my years of, like, being a Division 1 athlete and working in the film department and getting to where I am now. Now I have my show, I have my own money, I can pay for my own life. Now it's more about, like, I don't really want to play the game anymore because I kind of want someone that can fill me up behind the scenes, that someone's going to appreciate me and. And then also bring something to me that I don't have, which is a companion and someone to, like, spend time with.

So that's. That's what you want right now. So that they have to be additive, right? And you don't want the drama because when you're with them, you want it to be like, yeah, someone you can hang with. You don't have to think, well, I have to wait five minutes to text.

Back or whatever it is.

There's none of that right now.

That's why I'm enjoying dating an older guy because I'm so being. Having this show. I am so social media centric. And it's like, leave him on read and don't answer his text and wait 10 minutes and then slide in someone's DMs and it's like, there's such a. A blueprint to how to do it in, what, my age group. So to date someone that's older and is like, I don't deal with you, like, not texting me back and knowing you're doing that on purpose, like, just because it out immediately love it, and I love it. It's so. It is so refreshing. But it has to be someone that I think I respect enough to be like, okay, I'm not gonna play the games with you.

You find those people. So this guy you're dating, it lives in la, but you're not moving here?

No. And it was here for me. I'm literally moving here for Emily.

Yeah. I think that it's hard because on top of exploiting my life for my show, and like you said, you hadn't really talked about the men you were dating in the beginning, and I have always done that. So it's definitely a very hard balance. People are always like, oh, my God, Alex, you're moving to LA for a guy. And I'm like, that couldn't be farther from the truth if he was moving to Canada tomorrow. I'm not moving to Canada. Like, just do whatever you want to do. Because we. I know it's so corny, but we live one life. And I think that's been really hitting me hard in Corona. I'm like, yes, we got to just do what makes us happy. And that's what I'm doing.

That's it. I love that you're saying that. I. I moved to San Francisco when I was 21, from Michigan. I went to University of Michigan, graduated, got my car, drove to San Francisco, didn't know anybody. It was very ballsy when I look back at it. But I'm just saying, it's like, you. Anything is possible. It was a dream, and people thought it was crazy. And I'm lucky because my mom was always like, I had a very similar mother, was like, don't rely on anyone to take care of you, and if you don't like it, you'll come back. Be safe. So then this happened, like, later, and I was like, oh, I was in my 30s, and I was like, I. Sex is still. What the fuck? No one talked about it. Yeah, there was no podcast. There was no.

There was nothing.

Nothing. You know?

I mean, no, When I heard. I remember when I first started a podcast, I was so video focused because I went to film and television school. So when I got the opportunity to start a podcast, I. I was like, A podcast. Like, I feel like that's what my dad listens to. Yeah. I'm like, look at his face. It's not a place for podcasts, for radio. Come on. But it is nice sometimes when you don't have to wear makeup and you can just.

Like, I didn't have to.

And now. Yeah, it's annoying. But I remember talking to. It was my cousin, and she has always been just, like, a little bit slower to progress sexually. And she said, I listened to sex with Emily all the time, and I was like, what is sex with Emily? So I got. That's when. Before I even started the podcast, I started to look into you, and I was so impressed with what you were doing for women, because there's not a lot of people doing it, and it's so taboo to be like, no, you go in there and you get your orgasm. And honestly, who even cares about him for a second? Like, focus on yourself. Because we've been focusing on how to get a man off for so many years.

So many years.

Let's focus on our clits, ladies.

Yeah, they got off. Like, the men got off. They're fine. They're great. Let's go back to the clips.

Right?

So that's what I want to ask you, circling back. Is that you? Okay, so when you started, though, you've been learning on the job, too, kind of. I mean, you were having sex. You've been having sex. You're like, I don't know. When did you lose your virginity?

I lost my virginity my sophomore year of high school, and I thought I was in love. He was truly that bad boy in high school that, like, your parents are, like, taking your phone and locking you in the house and being like, why does he have a dui? He was, like, a senior. I was a sophomore. But I do have to say, at the time, I. I was in love with him, and he. I thought. But I wasn't having good sex in high school. That's why I'm always telling people I'm like, awful sex in high school. What I thought got better in college, but then not good sex in college when I got out of college is really when I started, which is just.

A few years ago, right?

Three years ago, Four years ago.

Okay, so how did you. This is what I think is gonna be so helpful. How did you start having better sexual. What's been your journey?

Okay, so I think. What does that look like? I think for in the very beginning, when I was not having good sex, it really goes back to I being an Athlete I love. I'm like a people pleaser. So, like, when I'm. My coach is telling me like, yes, yes, yes. And I'm like, okay, I'm doing a good job. So with regard to men, when I was in the bedroom with them, I was so hyper focused on one, my ego and my reputation. Because I felt like I was always in situations where people were talking about what other people were doing. And the thought of someone saying I wasn't good in bed was. Was just so horrifying to me, which I think a lot of girls.

I will be the best. Literally, like, I will be.

I will be the best. It's like, okay, relax.

I would be the best blowjob you've ever had.

Straight. And it's like. But then. So I started to really hyper focus on just the men. So I jokingly say it on my podcast. But it was kind of true. I was like, I am going to be known for giving the best blow jobs. Like, I feel like I'm good at this. I was getting good feedback from the. So I was like, I got right. So for a while, even in college, I wasn't really expecting a man to even rub my clit or eat me out. I was just going. And he was just like, licking my, like, for a second. Yeah, yeah. And like, and what? Exactly. And so finally, I think when I got out of college, I really started to less so focus on the men who were leaving the bedroom saying, like, best sex I've ever fucking had. And I'm over there. Like, really? Because I didn't even. Like, my clit wasn't even stimulated. It was when I kind of had my first, like, real boyfriend. My first real adult boyfriend. And we started to explore. And I think that exploring with someone and being willing to open up with them but also being comfortable with someone is so important when you feeling safe, right? Feeling so safe. Because I, yes, I was masturbating, but, like, I hadn't found a partner yet. That was really doing it for me also. And I know it's like it's on us for first, but, well, we were just women.

The stuff I talked about, I was on Alex's podcast a few weeks ago. It came out. You guys should all check it out. But yeah, most people don't know that stuff that we're responsible at all. They don't. Like, literally, this is why it's good to know that you got on this that you shouldn't have known because no one fucking tells you at all.

And I think that that's what's so discouraging to women. Everyone's like, why am I not having good sex? It's like, well, first, if you aren't having the best orgasms by yourself, then that's the first way to start, obviously. But so with the boyfriend, we started to like explore and we were using toys. And then slowly I just started to really realize how much hotter sex was when I was also enjoying it and not. I can still give an amazing blowjob. Don't get me wrong don't get me wrong.

Hello. Nothing was compromised in the evolving of Alex Cooper.

But then I was also like, oh, this is so hot when I'm on top and I'm rubbing my like this and I'm moving back and I'm like having the best orgasm or while I'm also having sex. What a concept. So then after that, really, since I've been out of college, it's been kind of a mission of mine. And I do think call her daddy has helped me sexually. Just I'm like, oh, I'm getting horny while I'm doing this episode. I'm going to go have great sex. But it also allowed me to just explore and to feel confident within myself to be like, just go in there and get it. Get yourself off and enjoy yourself. And then after that, I like have been having really great sex. I love it, which is great.

When we come back, I asked Alex about her first anal experience. So, Sarah, stay with us.

So tell me about what. What's the difference now is that you know how to move, you know what you like, you know orgasms.

I think, well, I had never had it. I had my first orgasm in college with an older guy and I was like, whoa, what was that? I've never had that before. But I'm having. I'm having sex. But I think my orgasm thing is I usually have specific men that I'm dating. And I think that would surprise a lot of people. I don't judge women. I think it's amazing. You should get out there and you should fuck freely and go have sex with as many people as you possibly can before you die, if that's what you want. For me, I have to have some type of emotional connection with the guy. So I have like, had fewer partners than people probably think I've had. But then with that partner, I go so deep into exploring everything with them. And so like I was telling you, like ass play and everything. I need to feel comfortable with the person to allow them to explore with me because I want to sexually Be able to like, really feel like there's no judgment. There's no. And especially with the show, it is stress inducing to be like, is this guy going to leave and go talk about how he just fucked the call her daddy girl and oh, it sucked, or oh, it was amazing. But she. Blah, blah, blah.

It's like, it's really right. Has that happened yet to you?

I remember it was so crazy. I went on a date with a guy shortly into having this podcast and he was such a dick. And he looked at me and he was like, he was nervous, I think, and so it was kind of word vomit. And he was trying to make a joke, but it was such a turn off to me. And he literally looked at me in the eyes and goes, you know, I'm just gonna be honest. I mean, like, my friends at work, they all knew I was gonna go on this date with you and they literally told me. I mean, like, the last thing you have to. To do. If there's anything you do at the end of that night, you got a fucker. And I'm sitting there on our. This is a first date, Emily. Okay? I'm like, oh my God, I just took my first sip of my vodka tonic. You can go fuck yourself. Like, what?

What did you do that? Did you get.

I looked at him and I kind of did one of those like shocked giggles. Like, did he really just say that?

You just.

And then I looked at him and I was like, wow, wow. We didn't even get through the appetizer. And I have never done this in my life, but I looked at him and I said, I'm gonna be really honest with you. I don't even want to waste either of our times and go to the main course for dinner. This isn't gonna work. And I'm gonna go. And he was like, stunned, had nothing to say. And I got up and I left because I just felt so disrespected. I was like, that's just kind of gross. And listen, I can like take a joke and I can, I can take it. But I got to a point in my life where, like, dating wise, I. I don't like, put myself out there if I'm not gonna like, enjoy myself and have. I'm not gonna sit at a dinner and waste my precious time for a guy that's a dick. Sorry.

Exactly. Well, what the fact that the expectations are. You talk about sex all day, so clearly if we go to dinner, you owe me that. Or everyone's said that to me and that's gonna turn you on. But this is why I think you're. You're helping people change the narrative and showing them that that's not what it's all about. But it is tricky dating right now. That is true.

Yeah.

But this guy you're dating now, he's not.

He's older, and I think he's. Being in the industry, it's kind of cool to have someone that gets that, listen, the show is a show, and it is a heightened version of myself, but at times, you come here prepared with specific topics, you know, and so that's not like every. The show isn't me dictating my entire day life of me being like, oh, now I went to the bathroom. So you're getting, like, highlighted versions, almost kind of like everyone's Instagram. You see what people want to show you. And so as much as I've tried to open up and get real with people on my show, I. It is a show. And so the guy that I'm dating, I think, sees the difference and is able to have a genuine relationship with me, but also be so supportive when I'm, like, going on that week and talking about how, like, I did have sex with someone, and he's like, did you have anal?

Because they said that you said you were going to have anal. My teeth.

Oh, my God. Literally. So, okay, so I was jokingly saying that in vacation, we just went to the most anal.

It's been 20.

Okay, it's been anal. Let's talk about anal. So I didn't have anal. We just went to the most beautiful resort in Cabo, and I was like, maybe I'm gonna. Maybe I'm gonna have some anal. But I. Like, we've talked about. We're gonna talk about on my podcast when I release it. I wanted to ease in. So we got some butt plugs, and there was definitely penetration into my butthole, but it wasn't his penis. So we didn't have full anal, but, like, he was using butt plugs.

We talked about yesterday, step by step. Well, you'll check out her podcast when it comes to.

Well, I'm just. Listen, if you guys don't know me on this show, I had a really traumatic experience with my first anal experience.

Tell the story. So I think it's so relatable.

It's so bad.

Even extremely.

It's so good. So I'm in college, being shady like Emily. I'm cheating, and I'm dating this guy. He's a wonderful guy in Boston University. He's on the hockey team. He's super hot, luscious, whatever. But then I'm in Boston, and I, like, meet a professional athlete. And I'm like, well, a professional athlete is better than a college hockey player. So I lie to him and basically tell him I'm not home, whatever. He finds out that I'm on a date with a guy, and he's all upset and that I cheated on him. So naturally, he's about to break up with me. And we're sitting in my bedroom and I'm crying. I'm like, don't leave me. Don't leave me. And he's like, I can't believe you did this. And so naturally, my brain goes, how can I make him stay with me? Anal. I was like, he's always wanted to have anal. What do I do? I'm like, anal. Anal. So I just look at him and I'm like, do you want to. Do you want to do anal? And he's. He's kind of, like, staring at me, shocked. He's never had anal in his life, right? He's like, wait, I want to break up with you, but also you're about to give me the. Like, okay, fine. Like, let's give. Give me the asshole, and then maybe I'll do. So I'm like, okay, great. So we start hooking up. Mind you, this kid had never done anal before. So all of a sudden, I, like. I get on all fours and I'm, like, staring at the wall, like, ready to just like. I'm like, alex, this is for, like. This is what you get for cheating, you stupid bitch. And so without lube, without warning, this man shoves his penis as hard as he can into my asshole. And I am. I have, like, vasa vagal. Which is like. I get really. I can get really lightheaded if I see, like, a needle or something. Like, anything invasive happens to me. Sometimes I pass out. So I am. I feel this in me. And I turn around and I'm like, get out, get out, get out, get out. So he just pulls it out as fast as possible, and I go to stand up, and I just. I remember looking at him, and then all of a sudden, I just remember blacking out. I wake up to my college boyfriend pouring water on my face while googling what to do when girlfriend passes out from anal. And I am like, get off me now. I'm breaking up with you. And he felt so awful. He's like, alex, I'm so sorry. And, like, you literally turn it around. Oh, my God. Of Course, the manipulation. I'm like, this is so fudge up that you would put me through this. And he's like, I love you, I'm so sorry. And he's like, cuddling me. I'm like, well, that was easy. The moral of the story is, guys give him anal, fake, pass out if you cheat, and then he'll stay with you. But. So it was. It was traumatizing, though. The moral of the story, though, is I was really traumatized for a little bit. I was like, I didn't. I didn't want analy.

We're all traumatized.

We are all. We've all.

We've all been traumatized now by your anal experience. And people have had variations of that. A lot of people are like, first time was in college. We were like, dupes, drunk, wrong hole. That happened. So what?

So I.

You were post traumatic anal.

I was post traumatic anal. And, you know, I never was. I was fine with not having anal. It wasn't something that I was, like, dying to do, so it didn't matter. But each boyfriend post that was like, why can't we do it? And I was like, I'm just, like, not into it. It really took me a long time to just get over it. And I wasn't really interested until I started. One of my boyfriends started to, like, kind of put a finger in there. And I was like, oh, wait, I like this. And then what I started to do is to ease myself into the idea, because the guy that I'm dating right now, I actually really do want to engage in ass play. I just started masturbating and using, like, smaller butt plugs. And that, for me, was the start to, like, getting back into not being afraid of anal.

It's like training. It's like, right? It's like you're working yourself up toward. Which is what. Let's just cut to this right now, is that if anal play, what we're talking about is don't go from zero to anal. No, you want to start with a finger. You want to start with a butt plug, your own finger when you're masturbating, or get a tiny little butt plug and put it in. And then I'm like, I feel tight, tiny.

It's so fun, too, because I think a lot of girls get so nervous to do this, even by themselves to try things. And I. I try even.

Right?

Yeah. Yeah. And I. I try to sympathize because I think if you're not sexually accepting with yourself, then you're. First of all, you're not going to be having good sex. But the minute you start to, like, loosen up and open up and be in the bedroom by yourself. And I know it seems some, for some times, like, it is easier said than done for some women. But, like, the minute you like, why don't just pick like, one night? I always tell some of my friends, they're like, I don't know why I just can't masturbate. I'm like, pick one night. Even if you get like a little drunk by yourself, like, hang out, start taking pictures of yourself, get dressed up. Just try it. Like, it's just like, okay, one and done. Let's just try it one night and just start masturbating and start using a butt plug. No one is going to know this is happening. Okay? Nobody knows. We don't have to tell anyone. And then just go for it. And I think sometimes girls just need that little push to be like, what's the worst that's going to happen? Exactly. You're going to enjoy it.

How did you get comfortable? Do you masturbate? What toys do you use? I masturbate comfortable with that.

Emily. I masturbate all the time. I'm masturbating right now.

I know. I love masturbating. I think that for a while I was super reliant on just like a vibrator. And then I remember. Remember wanting to be able to have sex and feel that pleasure without a vibrator. So I started to kind of get rid of toys for a little bit. And I just wanted to figure out my muscles and what. Yes.

So how did you. Because people always ask me that. It's like, I love a toy. I think it's great too, to actually take it away. You might not have an orgasm that quickly. It's not the 60 second orgasm.

Right.

But how do you build it up? So how did you have that patience do that?

Okay, So I think that at first when I started to realize, like, well, shit, like, I'm not having the same pleasure in the bedroom. Sometimes if the guy isn't great at eating. Meow. Or if he's not great at fingering, then, like, as much as I'm rubbing my clit while we're having sex, I'm not really used to rubbing my clit because I'm not doing it when I'm alone. And I think a lot of girls always write into me being like, why can I only come with my vibrator, not during sex? And I'm like, well, if you're not using Your vibrator during sex. And you're using your hands, your body, right. Your body's like, oh, your hands are here. Right? So I think that I started to. I. I get super turned on when I am dressing up, looking hot, looking at myself in the mirror. If I put on some lingerie, going to send a guy a picture, but then sometimes I'm like, I'm just going to take them for me. And taking pictures of yourself in like a hot outfit. I really do think you can start to like, get turned on, play some music for yourself, have a drink. And I think that I started to just enjoy the idea of like, I wanted to feel so good for myself and not have a man here and not have toys until, like, you're left to your own devices, which is your fingers. So that's where it started. And I think. Think I was super patient because I would set enough time. I think sometimes thing you gotta.

It's. It's like working.

Yeah.

People think they should just like, they should go be able to run a marathon. Like, you run for five minutes, you run a mile, right? So it's that. So. So then you just started to touch yourself.

And I think sometimes I would start the night by like, first I'd take a shower and like, I would take a shower and maybe I'd be like, shaving and like touch myself a little bit. And then once I'm out of the shower, so it's like kind of the idea of edging, but it's like through like the hour that I'm preparing, like I'm taking a shower. Then after touching myself a little bit, then I'm going and putting on some lingerie while I'm taking pictures. That's like a different sensory thing that I like to like, watch myself looking hot. Then I'm getting in bed and like, I'm setting the lights down and like, I'm relaxing. And like, sometimes I'll put a face mask on, like over my eyes so I can't see anything. I'll do it, like, just so that I'm not even watching myself. Sometimes I'm just feeling. And I think that sometimes for me, makes it really hot because I'm just in my own world and. And then I literally just start touching myself. And I think, again, you don't just go right for the clit. Like I'm rubbing my boobs and I'm touching my body.

It's the senses. I love what you're saying because there's so many ways to stimulate our senses. When you take Away eyesight, for example. Everything else becomes more heightened on your body so you can really pay attention to what feels good. How does it feel when I put one finger inside me? How does it feel when I like tease myself down my leg? And those are the things that we just, we're so wired to rush through sex and to be paying attention to what our partner wants and we don't look at ourselves.

I also think sometimes it's really helpful to me that I like it makes the process last longer. Is I think it's really hot when I'm masturbating to switch positions. And sometimes I really like to like get on my stomach and have a toy in me or just my fingers. But like almost pretending in my mind. Like I think about a guy that I'm super turned on by and you kind of are almost like using the toy as if he's from behind like having sex with you. But you're controlling the pace and that friction on the mattress and the toy. I mean, it's just, there's so many different ways.

No, it's so true. So you are, you are simulating like they're there. So if you are worried that you can't come with a boyfriend, like you are a partner, practice it. If you can get a toy and moving in all the different positions. So a lot of women, like if you always come on your back, try it on your stomach. If you haven't, try a different position. So you put a toy or dildo in you and you're rubbing. Then when you are with that penis, you're rubbing up against it and then it feels, you know what feels good? You know that you're practicing. Yeah.

You're practiced like everything. We need practice.

Do you have an orgasm every time with this partner?

No. Well, it depends. Like I don't go in super pressured to like in most men I'd be like, okay, I don't really love sometimes the sex. If we were having it, it's like more for him. So if I'm like, I'm. I want to orgasm every time because then what am I doing here? But with him, we have different types of sex, which is really hot. So like sometimes if like I'm not, I know I'm not going to have an orgasm. I still just like to connect with him. I feel very connected when we're having sex, which is like a turn on to me also, like emotionally and relationship wise. But I have never in my life had a guy be better at oral sex. And I'm good at Oral.

Can you explain?

Okay, let's.

Good. Or Alex Cooper.

Okay, so number one, I always start with, like, this man couldn't be more vocal about, like, how much he is obsessed with my body and my vagina. And so I think every man. It's like, if you can be super vocal with your woman 24 7, even if she's not feeling great about herself, I'm breaking out right now. I was telling him that. He's like, I can't even tell. It doesn't matter. You are beautiful. So he starts throughout the day, constantly talking to me about sex outside of the bedroom. So it makes me super horny.

That's foreplay all day. That is building it because you're thinking, I'll see him later. That sex is top of mind.

Yes.

Sound like your partner comes home and they're like, why aren't I in the mood for sex? If you are all day long in connection about sex, that's.

I think that's one of the first guys, like, I've had men occasionally text me or like, whatever, but it's not all day. And so he is definitely adamant about making sex a huge part of our relationship. Just in. In context of just talking about it all the time.

I love it just like, oh, we should fuck by the end of the night.

But talking about me and my body and, okay, so that's the beginning. Then when he starts getting into oral, he always, always is, like, begging for it. And I think a lot of women are super insecure about their vaginas or how does it smell right now? There's something again about him being so like, I just want it. I don't care if you just worked out. I don't care if you were just, like, literally pooping in the bathroom. I do not care. I want your vagina. So that makes me super relaxed, as if I was by myself.

Had you have a partner before who had been like this about your. Who's been like, I just want you to. I mean, it's a new.

You know what I think I've had guys that are super sexual, but I've never had a guy be so adamant on making sure, like, she needs to know 247 that, like, I am, like, obsessed and I want it all the time. And it's not in a creepy, annoying, like, hey, you're horny all the time way, because it's about me. And that's what I like. Like, I know it's not supposed to always be about you, but it is nice.

But the thing you need to you need the affirmations and safety. So he knows that you're like, words of affirmation or whatever your love language is. He knows I need to affirm her. I need to make her feel this way.

So with regard to him eating me out, though, he's so. I feel so bad for men because I'm like, how do I explain? Like, he's so good at building up on the clit. So, like, he'll start teasing. Yes. And so, like, he'll start by getting me just, like, super, super wet and like, even just be down there and, like, put a finger in while he's, like, lightly just, like, licking around, like, the lips in and out of the labia. Like, inside, outside, even just, like, around my thigh.

A little tip, right? Just teasing with his tongue, tracing it around.

So hot.

So hot. And so that's going right for the clit, right? Sucking on.

I'm like, what is going on? That for me, it starts to get me in the mood. And a lot of times he'll start by, like, sucking on my, like, boobs and going down on me and something about that and, like, how into it he is. It starts to get me turned on. So then when he's down there and he's getting me super wet with his mouth, the way that he rotates between, like, lightly sucking on the clit and then, like, swirling with his tongue on it and then, like, going down and dragging that down to, like, my labia and everything, he's super slow and, like, very meticulous about, like, every single detail of my vagina. He's not just focusing on the clit. And I think I sometimes forget, like, it's not just the clit that has these sensory feelings. So it's like, to engorge yourself in all of them that way. Then my whole vagina is, like, pulsating.

Because there are 8,000 nerve endings. And it's not just the clitoris.

Yeah. I'm getting turned on talking about it. So hot. And I think also, like, it's hot sometimes for me, because I think some guys think, like, and then also be, like, putting your. Your fingers in her vagina and stuff. That is, like, yeah, it feels good at times, but it feels better on the outside. So sometimes when, yes, it's different by woman.

By woman.

But something I really love is when he uses half of his, like, tongue, half of his finger on the clit, and he tries to, like, move them in the same motion together. Those are two very different feelings. A finger and a tongue have different feelings. So, like, he kind of Incorporates those together. And I think that he's very good at feeling my body language. Like, if something feels super good, I think a lot of men think they have to keep switching it up. If she's like, clenching, do not.

So when she don't stop, don't stop.

And don't stop. The exact motion you're doing. I hate when guys are like, okay, great, and then they start going 10 times harder. They move all around. I'm like, no, go back to that spot. Because that means they don't know where.

It was, but they're it. And it's a process and I love it. And pay attention to our body language, women. We are telling you exactly what we need. We are showing you. But if you're in your head worrying, am I doing it right? Is this the right way? Right? You're gonna miss the cues. You're gonna miss it. So he's like, he's. It's almost like I felt this way from the best oral sex is that when I'm with somebody, it's like they. Well, I think that my body does speak now to them. Like, I think that I learned, like, my body is emitting this information, but you gotta be paying attention to how I'm moving. I show it. We. But it's. Some people are too nervous, they're not focused. They don't have as much experience. So it sounds to me like this guy knows his way around a van.

He definitely knows his way. He made a comment to me, it was a. In a jok. But I was like, oh, okay. Because he is friends with someone. He, he. They had had sex once. She was also, like, in the industry and like, they're good friends now. And it's like, no romantic feelings, whatever. She's, like, married now. And he was telling. I guess he was talking to her and she was like, oh, wow. Like, I'm so happy for you that you found this girl. Whatever. And she made a comment, joking and basically saying, like, well, I mean, if you're. If you've eaten her out, then she's definitely going to fall in love. And I'm like, so every girl in la, like, knows that you, like, are great at.

Can we get him on the show?

I know, I've been asking, asking him. I'm like, you need to come on. He's like, no, see, this is the.

Best thing is that, well, maybe eventually, who knows? Eventually you can learn to be great at oral. And I am telling you, in the planet that we are living in now, that should be the asset you're working on Try tonight. Go down your partner, pay attention to their body language, and figure out what works best for them. We're going to take a quick break, but when we come back, Alex gives us her best tips for having unbelievable FaceTime sex.

We could talk about some of the things that turn us off. Hey, my dick's hard. I'm thinking about you. We don't.

If we're not with you, I don't.

Want to hear about your dick. I want to hear what you're going to do to me is what we're saying how much you love my pussy, what you're going to do. Not that you're not going to get a blowjob or you're going to get met, but that sort of was what. And I'm not speaking for every woman, but mostly to know. Like, even with sexting, right?

I'm like, I hate sexting. Because a lot of times men are sexting in a way that is so juvenile for me. I'm like, oh, your dick is hard and you want to blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, bored neck, like, also. I'm sorry, but sexting. Listen, there is no way while you're sexting that you are going to be at the same exact time doing, like, FaceTime sex to me is way better. Because you can actually be.

Talk about that right now.

Yes, because my thing with sexting is one half the time that you're sexting, he's like, in the grocery store and you're like, on your way to the park, and you're not actually. Right, Right. So. And then also, it's like, if you actually are masturbating. What? You're picking up your phone every five seconds and texting, like, no. FaceTime sex off.

FaceTime sex. The rules for that.

Oh, my God.

How have you made it? Because you. It's been long distance.

Yes, it was. I never had really done too much facetime sex just because I didn't really care for it. And I'm like, I'm not really in the mood and I would either rather you come over, or I'll just go do it by myself and not have to focus on the mic or, like, on the camera. But with him, I was starting to really. We were starting to make it, like a night thing that we would, like, have a drink together. And then I would, like, go upstairs and be like, I'll call you right back. And then I'd go put the lingerie on, and then I'd call him and he'd See me in the lingerie. And I think that it was so fun to feel connected and, like, also to, like, kind of watch him jacking off while you're getting off. That was hot.

That was so hot.

And I think a lot of girls get nervous about FaceTime sex, though, because.

They don't know the lights and how to stand. But you were saying you practice, too, right? Like, you just practice.

And I know it sounded psycho, but, like, I thought it was great.

That's your episode. You. I think it was yours. Talking about how you.

Yes, I put my phone up.

Yes.

And I watched porn. Like, basically, if you guys didn't hear that.

Yeah, yeah.

So basically. I know it sounds so crazy and extra. And, like, people were. Some people were shitting on me for it, and I was like, I don't care. As a girl wanting to. I want. Of course I want to impress my guy. And, like, I want to be like, ooh. Like, whoever I'm hooking up with, I want them to be like, she looks amazing. And she's like, looks like she's enjoying herself. But being the perfectionist that I am, sometimes I'm overthinking what I look like and then not fully enjoying myself. So I wanted to beat there because.

So many women are perfectionists and they're thinking about, how do I look, how do I move? What's my orgasm face? Is it sexy enough? That is not what's going to be sexiest for your partner, by the way. The sexiest thing is once you take the beat and you figure out when you are authentically turned on and aroused.

Because men can feel that.

They know it.

They can tell when you're faking it. They can tell when. Like, obviously there are some that are dumb, but, like, for the most part, they can be like, oh, my God, her. I can literally feel her vagina, like, pulsating. Right, Exactly. So I think that was the first step for me was, like, I really wanted to go into it and enjoy myself. And so by what I did was I got into my lingerie, I started taking the pictures, and then I put my phone up and I opened my camera, and I watched myself start to masturbate. And I was watching myself in the camera, and I had gotten the lights perfectly, so I felt good about myself. Even if he didn't call that night, I was enjoying myself watching myself with my toys go in and out of me and all these things happening. I was enjoying it. Then when he called, I was able to continue that for myself. And as much as it was for him because I looked great and I had my outfit on. I also then was able to just watch him as he was like, touching himself. And then I could just focus on me and like, what I was doing instead of being like, oh, my God, how does this angle look? Oh, my God. Is the lighting perfect? Oh, my God.

You were actually really turned on.

I was so turned on because I kind of felt like it was the elevated version of just masturbating by myself. Because for the first time I was like, wow, I'm really getting myself off and I'm really enjoying this. And he happens to be able to now watch it instead of me in my mind being like, kate, how many more times am I going to put this fucking dildo in my pussy? And then is he gonna come? Great. Kay, good night. That's what I remember. I used to have FaceTime sex like that with this one guy and I was like, just doing it for him and it was so boring.

It is boring. So now you're in this thing. Okay, so what, what's going on now? Because you're in LA and I know you had some questions because we don't have a ton of time, right? I want to know how can we make sure that this is this something. Are you looking. What are you looking for right now?

I think that's the hard thing for me right now is similar to what we said in the beginning. I feel a lot of times that I get to a place with men where I do know. Although on my show Sometimes I joke 247 and people don't know the true me. But like, emotionally, depth wise, I think a lot of men are extremely attracted to what I bring behind closed doors with regard to emotion. And, and I have a psychologist as a mother. So, like, I was raised on all of it being emotional and being able to connect emotionally. So I think that I get with men and I get to a certain place with them where they're extreme, not only sexually, but emotionally attached to me. And then I think this is where I have a hard time because I just don't know what I want because they're now ready to settle in and, oh my God, let's get married and all the things. And I'm like.

You don't.

So that's the thing right now is figuring out what you. You're figuring out.

Yeah.

Thing. I think that's okay too. I think it's. I think I don't believe anyone should get married before they're 30. Oh, yeah. And I think that you now that you've just figured out you've gotten rid of the athletes and stuff that wasn't serving you. You're with your first good guy. That's what it sounds like. So I'm just saying I think it might be good to just embrace it. Embrace it, and who knows what it's gonna be? But when you're with him, just being, like, honest about where you're at, exploring your sexuality.

Well, you said you. You got to a place where you were like, I don't really wanna cheat anymore. That's where for me right now, I was saying it to my. My listeners. I was like, like, I want to kind of, for the first time, challenge myself. And the challenge for Alex Cooper right now is let's engage in a fully healthy relationship. And that is wild to me because I haven't really ever been fully honest with a guy, not been cheating or not been doing things just because I know he'll think it's hot, rather than for me.

This is the first time you've actually bit, like, look how much you've done it.

Just been, like being like myself. Yeah, I know, I know.

Whoa.

I'm married, guys. No, but it is, like, a few.

Months, right, since quarantine or.

Yeah, so.

So, yeah, I think that's. So that is the journey to figure out what is healthy. That's exactly where I got to going towards that. I was like, I was cheating. I mean, that was so long ago. And then I was like, oh, I'm open. Then I was in open relationships, Then I was, like, swinging. Then I was in sex parties. I did all the things. And then I think once you try all the different things, you kind of realize, this is what I want. So right now, being healthy, being honest, like, it's a choice. And the partners who aren't looking for your clitoris, they're not going down on you. They're not making you feel safe. And you are still playing games. That's not the only option. You'll find your people. The more authentic you are, the more real you are. But maybe, I mean, I don't know, you probably need to go through the game playing.

I was gonna say, I think it's so important. Sometimes everyone's different. But for me, I wouldn't change any of that. I don't think I'd be sitting here being like, I'm kind of in the mood for a healthy relationship had I not for so many years played the game and hung out with the fuck boys. Now I'm so excited to. Who knows? Maybe I will go back to athletes or maybe I won't or. But for right now, this is working for me, so I'm leaning into it rather than, like, running away like I usually have done in the past, because make me happy.

And therapy, you think, has been really helpful for you too, because we're always talking about the importance of therapy, and if people are like, I don't need therapy, it's gonna be crazy. It's gonna make you healthier.

It.

It's gonna help you understand your patterns.

It has literally changed my life. And I'm not someone that on a daily basis is, like, having mental breakdowns and has depression. Like, I'm very fortunate that I haven't experienced those things, but I still need therapy. Like, going into therapy. The days I will never forget, when my mom told me there was one day, I was like, I don't really need. I don't have anything to talk about. And she was like, those are the best days, because all of a sudden, you think you don't have anything to talk about, and then you really start to get deep. And it was so true. It was the best therapy session I had.

Yeah. The best time to go to therapy is when you're not in crisis. Because when you're in crisis, you're just. It's really. It's not. As you go through a crisis, and then you. You get out of your, like, oh, I feel better now. Phew. No, you can actually do the work that's not surrounding a crisis, and then you learn skills that help you for a lifetime.

Yeah, I really encourage it. I think it's also. There's still. I think we're getting better, but a negative stigma around it. And I just want everyone listening to know that you are not less than by going to therapy. If anything, you are working on yourself and wanting to be a better person. And I think that is super commendable.

Yeah, that's good. Alex Cooper. Wow. Look at this journey we've been on. We. We speed talk about.

We do.

Really do. We do think. Alex, I gotta ask you the five questions we asked all of our guests.

Yes.

Okay. These are called our quickie questions. Alex Cooper, what's your biggest turn on.

If a guy's good at oral? Biggest turn off if he is constantly doing the jackhammer and being like, you like that? You like that? I'm like, no, I hate it. I want to go home.

What makes good sex?

Passion and knowing each, like, being in tune with each other's bodies, not just having sex basically by yourself. And then there's another person having sex. Also, like being in it together.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Don't overthink it and stress about it as much as you did. Like just go with the flow. Because I wouldn't be sitting here if I like changed what I did in the past. Like it all was worth it. And I'm like dating a really good guy right now because of the fuck ups I had in the past. So don't overthink anything.

What's the number one thing you wish.

Everyone knew about sexual it should be messy and disgusting and all the things. And don't be focused on your body. Be more focused on how it feels. Messy is good.

Love it. Okay Alex, how can everyone find you?

Okay, my Instagram is Alexandra Cooper. My podcast is Call Her Daddy. You can listen on Apple, Spotify, I her all the things and then call her Daddy. Instagram. Yeah.

Thanks for being here.

Thank you.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. Believe me, if you got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily and I've been told I I give really good newsletters. So sign up@sexwithemily.com and don't forget to check out our blogs. If you want to talk to me, ask your questions about your sex life, dating or relationships, email me feedbackexwithemily.com or call into my SiriusXM show Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific and call me 888-94-STARS. That's 888-947-8277. Get a free 3030 day trial at sexwithemily.com sxm Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwonhemily.com.

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