Body Confidence, Bisexuality & Better Sex

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First of all, Amber, let me just tell you this. The fact that you're still having sex almost every day after six years, you should get a medal. Have you been l listening to. I know. Like, nobody does that after like the first year, two years. I mean, I don't even know.

I know.

So. So that. You're doing great, girl.

You're listening to sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. To get our needs met, we first have to be able to articulate our needs and be brave enough to share them out loud. That's so much easier said than done. We get worried about what the other person will say or we don't have the words to express what we want. So we bury those longings and wait for a better time. Then before we know it, years have passed and that better time never arrived. Maybe we are feeling sexually frustrated now and really resentful of our partner because we never had the sex talk that was crucial for our happiness. Well, until now. On this show, we're Leaning into discomfort so we can come out on the other side sexually satisfied. In other words, we're learning how to have a sex talk, even when it's just with yourself. How do you cultivate positive self talk when everyone around you affirms your hotness but your brain just doesn't buy it? Or how about when one of you wants to have sex every day and the other doesn't? How do you communicate your way through mismatched desires? Finally, let's get into improving the quality of your sex life with a partner. When the sex itself has become rote, routine, or just plain boring, how do you revive it? Is it possible? The first step is an open conversation, and on this episode, I'm giving you scripts and tools so you can get over those fears and get into mutually satisfying pleasure. For each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it, and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, think about what you want to get out of the episode. Well, my intention is to give you the specific words and encouragement you need to finally have healthy sex talks once and for all. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Ask Emily, I've never had an orgasm, and my holiday gift guide is up@sexwithemily.com also check out my YouTube channel channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, call my hotline, 559-talksex or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com askemily all right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

Let's talk to Renee, who needs a little help with breaking up with her boyfriend over the holidays. Hi, Renee.

Hi there.

Hey.

This is the time of year.

I know. It is, kind of. It's more than just the holidays, too. Because the other thing is you don't want to do it during the holidays because it's like, it just kills the spirit.

Right.

But also, I am currently his ride to work.

Okay. You mean every day?

How do I do this without completely leaving him in the cold?

Okay, so like, literally leaving him in the cold because you're in Iowa.

So.

So do you. So wait, my question for you is this. So are you guys. Did something. How long have you been together? And are you certain you want to break up? Did something happen? Are you just ready?

I just ready. We've been together since July, officially, you know.

Okay.

And there were a couple things that I was trepidatious about. Getting into a relationship. And I told him because he's a smoker and I cannot stand the taste.

Yeah, that's a deal breaker in my clothes. Yeah.

And he told me he'd try to quit.

And he.

I even bought him gum and everything. And that's not happening. Here we are almost December.

Yeah. Okay, so six, seven months and you're not into it. I think you just. That's fine. That deal. Smoking is a deal breaker. Like that is. I get it. So I think. And whatever else, I mean, it's been six months. So I think, Renee, you just gotta. The tips that you gotta meet up with him. I think that's the right thing to do. And just say, I'm not. I love the time we spent together. And I'm just really not feeling this relationship. I mean, you're not married. You don't have kids. I think it's the right thing to do. And he'll find another. How was he getting to work before he met you?

He had a car, and it died on him during our relationship. And he just hasn't had the money saved up yet to get another car.

Yeah, well, he'll figure it out because you're also doing him a favor by letting him go when, you know, it's over. Like, I think a lot of us think we want to stay in the relationship because we feel so bad and that they're never going to be able to get on without us. But we're actually doing them a favor by letting them go. So I think, you know. Yeah. The holidays. But you sound pretty certain that you're done.

Yeah, it's just. It's really been building up because there's, you know, he's just. I feel like I give and I never receive.

Yeah, I know that feeling, too. And have you tried to work on it? Like, have you told him the things that are important to you to receive?

I guess I've probably done the girl thing and done a bunch of hints.

Yeah.

That doesn't work. Our partners aren't mind readers, especially men. And women don't read men's minds. We don't. I mean, this might be a practice for you in another relationship. Or if you want to give it one more try, it really helps to be direct and say, you know what? Every time I see you, I bring you coffee and a donut in the morning when I pick you up for work. And I would just love if you. It sounds like you want him to. You surprised me with something or you planned the date or whatever your things are you got to let him. Their hints don't work. We think they do. And then we get all mad and have a whole we break up in our head. Right. But they don't know he didn't get it.

Well, like. Okay, well, I have been direct on a couple of things. For example, for Christmas, he just out of the blue told me that he wants the specific jersey that's $100. I go, oh, okay, well, here's my wish list. He goes, oh, that's nice. I'd want one of those, too.

Oh, so he sounds, like, cheap, right? Like. Like you're supposed to buy for him and he's not gonna buy. Yeah, he sounds. Maybe he's a little cheap and insensitive.

I think he's just selfish more than anything. Well, that is selfish, if I've noticed how spoiled he is. Like, he moved during our relationship, and his aunt and his mom showed up and cleaned his new apartment.

Oh, God, he's a mama's boy. How old is he?

He's 40.

Oh, he's 40. I'm telling you, it doesn't mean anything about it. Age doesn't really tell you anything. But he sounds like he's kind of a mama's boy, maybe spoiled. Yeah, it sounds like, you know, and if he's. You know. But if you.

Yeah, I'm just getting more and more.

Hints as we go along. Oh, that says a lot. He's 40, his mom cleaned the place, he doesn't have a car, and you're picking him up. And you're a giver. You're a pleaser. Like, it feels good to you to give someone. Yeah, I can tell you want to fill him up. You don't mind drafting. You don't mind. That's who you are. And that's really easy to also end up with people who might take advantage of it and who are selfish. So, Renee, let's learn from this. I think we learn we can if we choose to. Each relationship that we're in, and then we get out of it. There's a lesson. There's so many lessons to learn. A lot of us blame the person, and we don't think about it but to go, okay, well, why was I attracted to him? And then, you know, you could even just take some time without dating and be like, what was it? And what could I not do next time? So that could be really helpful for you, but I think you just gotta be honest, honey, and not stay with him just because it's the holidays. His mom can drive him to work.

Okay, I'll let her know.

Okay, good.

Perfect. You got this, Renee. Just be honest. Be yourself. Okay. Thanks for calling Sex with Emily. I appreciate it, Renee. Next up is John, 50 in Utah. Hi, John. How can I help you?

I need to, once and for all, I'm 50 years old, I'm gay, I date regularly, I hook up occasionally. And I need to once and for all take some concrete steps to get better with the body that I have.

That is so good, John. I'm so glad you're asking this because really, like, at what point, right, we gotta learn to love ourselves. It's our body that we have. Right? You're 50. How does this manifest in your life right now? That it's a problem and then we can solve it?

Okay, so, yeah, I would say two ways. One is if I'm looking through people's Instagram, I think it seems like everybody's beautiful and everybody's comfortable, you know, being naked and. Or just even walking with their, their shirt off or wearing short shorts or, you know, and I feel like it kind of messes with my head. So that's one way. And then the other way is when I'm in a sexual situation, just not having, not only not having confidence, but really sort of actively disliking my body, even when, you know, and I really don't get. I don't get much negative feedback from anyone. I actually get a lot of positive feedback. But so it's, so it's, you know.

I don't know, it's unreal. So you've unrealistic, you know, expectations for how your body should be. So the first thing I'm gonna tell you, John, is you have to unfollow every single account on Instagram that makes you feel that way. I mean, that is just the law right now. I'm telling you. There's been all these stories about like millennials and there's more depression and it's like, delete, don't follow. Limit your screen time. Anyone that makes you feel bad right now, delete it. Like, you don't need to see that, right? That's unhelpful. Cause I know it's an addiction. Yeah, so do that. The other thing about self love and loving your body, I mean, you've been wired this way, so you're probably doing this your whole life and not loving your body. So just go patient on this. Cause it's not like I'm gonna tell you anything right now. That's a quick fix. But the fact that you're just Conscious about it and calling me is amazing. And so really in those moments you have to remember some things that when you're with somebody, they've chosen you because they're attracted to you, they want to be having sex with you, they are naked and they are with you because there is chemistry, there's attraction. I think getting yourself to remember like that no one's at all as harsh as we are about our own bodies. Like just nobody, like nobody's looking and saying oh, you know, why do they have this or that? Like we're all focused in the moment and we're having sex. And most people, if they are thinking anything, typically what I've heard, and I've been doing this for 14 years, I've answered thinking thousands of questions is they're worried about what? Something about themselves that they're not gonna perform. So all the things that you're worried us isn't true. And so I think the other thing that's important is to keep this is to look in the mirror and do some mirror exercises and look in your body and look at all the things that you actually love about yourself. Like finally take that look in your room, like look at the mirror and talk about it and then write those stuff on post. Its around your house, put the room how you love yourself, how you love your body and the more you actually look at it and you're like my body is friggin amazing and you love it. Even it feels awkward at first. I'm telling you this works, it'll turn it around. It's self love replacing the negative with the positive.

Because one of the things that I have, what I experienced, this really hit me. Last week I went on a date with someone and we ended up going back to my place and we ended up having sex. And he kept telling me how great he thought I looked. And every time he said it, it took me right out of being in the moment because I kept sort of arguing back in my head about why he wasn't right.

Ah, why he's not right. He's like, but didn't he see my dimple on my thigh? Right. So this is so interesting.

Taken right out of the moment with a really great guy who's saying, you know, you're really hot, who's saying all the things. Yeah, I'm yelling at my head like no I'm not, you know.

Right, right. John. I'm also curious if this happens in other places in your life.

Like where you feel like if, I don't know, like at work or if you doubt, people aren't really.

It actually does. I'm very confident. I have my own business.

Okay.

So in other arenas, I know what I like about myself. It's just not my body.

And your confidence comes from. Because you've done work, and then you've gotten accolades and you've gotten raises, or you have your own business and it's been successful. So sex. Then we got to go back to this. Was there ever anything sexually, maybe it could have been 20 years ago. It could have been in the high school gym. Did something happen where someone shamed you for your body?

So I was in a committed, monogamous relationship with a wonderful man who turned out, I would say, to be primarily asexual.

Okay.

And we were committed monogamous relationship for 10 years. All right, so eight of those. Eight years of no sex? None.

Yeah. Okay. So. And how long ago did you end that relationship?

Four years.

Okay, so that's so good. We just got to this. It has nothing to do with. With actually reality, so. Because I thought you were gonna say, yeah, there was this guy who told me that he didn't, like, whatever. But it's actually because what you do when you're in an asexual relationship is like, everyone does. We think it's about us. So that whole time, you're thinking, how could I be more attractive for my partner? How could I perform better? Should I lose weight? And you kept trying to please him, and then you come to find out he's actually just not even into sex. So then you've wired your brain in this way to think, like, you're not desirable, you're not lovable, and you're not worthy enough for someone to want to have sex with. So it's all that negative conditioning. And 10 years is like, that's a long time. So now we just have to undo it. Now that we realize that, you have to realize that you're with someone and they're telling you these things. Like, I don't think that people say things like that unless they mean it. You know what I mean? Like, he wouldn't keep saying it. He already has you in bed.

Yeah.

Yeah. So just remembering these things, maybe write this down after we talk. Sometimes I forget I always, like, write things down after. I like to hear something that inspect, you know, therapy or whatever. But, like, remember that it's not your current situation. Like, people, you're very desirable, and that was your partner, not you. And that's a long time not to have sex. So now you get to rebuild and Start new. This is the John who is desirable and sexy and wants sex and people want to have sex with you.

So do you have any thoughts about taking. I feel like, you know, I'm 50. Should I take some kind of a bold action? Should I do something that I wouldn't normally ever, ever do?

I don't know what you've done, like sexually or just.

Oh, no, I just mean like, would I like go to a pool? Would I go to a public pool?

Yeah. Oh, oh.

So you know, take my shirt off.

Yes. See like small things like that, like going to the gym and taking your shirt, doing things that you wouldn't normally do. Absolutely. Go to a pool, take your walk around, do this has prohibited you in other areas of your. I thought it was just during sex. So I think, yes, do something. Oh, so it's everywhere. You've had this like self esteem, right?

I can't remember the last time I've had my shirt off once I'm out of the shower.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I think you should start to be more naked, masturbate looking in the mirror. Do you know how hot that is when you actually do something like that? Like look at yourself and like turn around and look at your body. I'm sure you are fine. Like 50 or otherwise doesn't even matter. So I think like you've got everything going for you. You've got sex, you've got guys telling you're awesome. So you're the last person we need to convince. So I think anything you could do. I always believe that doing something different is a huge step towards getting us to where we want to go do one thing different. So yes, like walk around naked, be naked at the park, in the pool, wherever. Do it. Or like almost take your shirt off. You know, don't get arrested. But yeah, be bold and replace those negative thoughts. Thank you, John for calling. Let me know how it goes. This is your year. I know it.

Thank you.

I will. Thank you. Body image and negative self talk is a process. And when you could replace that negative with affirmations, maybe you think like, oh, I feel fat or something. And then you literally could have five things like, I am beautiful, my body is strong, I love my legs. And you could have them in the notes section on your phone and like look at them when that negative thought comes in and you can replace it. We can rewire our brains with right thinking. Your emotional health is an inside job. No one else is gonna make you feel beautiful or smart or successful. And we have to do all of that let's take an email. We have Stacy, who's 28 in San Diego, and she writes, hey, Dr. Emily. I've been dating a guy who's 44 for about a year and a few months. We used to have sex all the time, but recently it's maybe once a week or every other week, and I want it every day. And I always initiate. I was super into BDSM before dating him, and I like to try that, but I'm shy to ask. I feel like I've brought this up several times, and I'm constantly bothering him. I love him very much. When we do have sex, it's amazing. I'm wondering if it's our age difference. Maybe it's because he's super stressed at work or. Or fatigued. I feel super insecure that maybe it's because I put on some weight since we began dating, and now he isn't interested. He says he's tired and busy. He still lives with his ex, and I can't go over there, and I have my roommates and my two kids that still live with me, so places are hard. Okay, Stacy, first of all, having sex every day is going to be a lot for many, many people. And remember that in the beginning, you're saying we had sex all the time. Most people had sex all the time at the beginning of the relationship. That is a condition. That is a period of time. We all love it. The honeymoon phase feels amazing. We can't help but have sex all the time, so that changes. So that's not realistic to think we can keep up with the same pace and intensity that we had at the beginning. I doubt that he is not attracted to you. He is older than you. He's in his 40s, 15 years older than you. There's a lot that could have fatigue his age. It could have a lot to do with his sex drive. And I'm curious about him living with an ex. You just toss that in at the end of the day that he's still living with his ex. Is this an ex that he broke up with when you just started dating? Is it an ex from 20 years ago and they bought a house together and they've shared different. Like, I don't understand that part of it, but I think that you need to talk with him outside of the bedroom from just exploring and let him know, like, this will, what would be really fun for me? And when I say I'm into bdsm, here's what I'm into. Just because you're telling him, like, I want bdsm or I was into it or this or that. He might not get it. Like we're saying, there's a lot of people who are afraid to ask questions like, what do you mean by that? A lot of people don't know what that means. They really don't. I don't think it's because of your weight. I think that we worry about this stuff all the time. It feels like there's a lot of other things going on, and it's just going to take a conversation like a real honest. Because, Stacy, you also have nothing to lose. 28 years old, you've got kids. You've got a lot going on. I think the honest conversation without playing games from a heartfelt place is going to get you the answers that you need to figure out what to do with this relationship. We have Adam, who has a question about doggy style sex. Hey, Adam.

So this doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes when I'm with a girl and I'm doing doggy style, I, like, lose a boner, and it's my probably least favorite position.

Okay.

And. And it's worrisome that I get to the point to where I lose a boner sometimes, because I usually start missionary, and then I switch to, like, doggy, and then I get, like, kind of anxious because it's been happening. And I was curious if you had any tips.

Yeah. You know, Adam, it's so great that you actually just laid it all out. What happens a lot, which is good news for a lot of guys. A lot of the performance anxiety men have is because it happened just once, and then they're like, oh, it's gonna happen, and then it happens. Before we get into how to deal with it, I want to know why you think it happened, why you think you. You lost it. Do you remember why or the first time?

I would say most of the porn that I watch is missionary, and it's my favorite one personally. Or her on top. I. I think it's because I like looking at the face.

Yes, I was gonna say that, Adam. It feels disconnected. So is there some pressure that you feel like you have to be doing at doggy style?

First of all, I don't know. I don't feel pressure. But I would say that I come to notice that girls love it. And I have read and I've done a little research that it, like, does feel a little deeper, and I get deeper if I do doggies. So I know girls like it in that aspect.

Well, my research is that guys Love it more than women. And I feel like a lot of women love it because guys can come quicker in that position. So sometimes it can be like, let's do it from behind so you'll come get over it. Because I don't know how to please myself. I'm not having an orgasm, but I think that's part of it. If you know what positions you like that I think I wouldn't make assumptions that she's just dying for the doggy style moment. But the other thing is, she could turn around and, like, look at you. You could say, I want you to look at me, like, when I'm going, you know, when I'm behind, like, I want to see your face, you know? And then here's the other thing to remember, Adam. Just if you could go into it. And my biggest things for It's a kind of a mindful sex practice is that just because you got something soft in the moment, it doesn't mean that sex is over. You flip her over, and then you just start licking her from behind, right? And her butt's out. And then you're going. You're performing oral on her from behind. So you don't stick it in yet, right? You're just turning around. And then you wait for yourself to get hard again, and you get your mind off it, and you get on pleasing her. And I promise you, if you just distract yourself from those thoughts in a real way of, like, let me just do something else. Let me focus on something else, it'll come back. You're 28. You're healthy. I'm sure the erection will come back. It will.

Yeah.

And she's not looking at you going, oh, he got soft. If she's already turned around and you're like, this is gonna happen, then just ask her to look at you or just go down it or do something else until it comes back. So. To please her. Because when you take the attention off yourself and you're focused on her pleasure, it'll come back because it's your brain that's kind of making it go down. How does that. I feel like there's.

I think that's a pretty good plan.

Okay, let me know how it goes. This is not a lifer thing. I promise. Thanks, Adam. Thanks for calling Sex with Emily. After the break, I'm talking to Lena, who finds herself fantasizing with her ex while having sex with her husband. Don't go away.

Let's take an email. This is from Lena, 30, in California. She writes, Hi, Dr. Emily. I spent half my twenties in an on and off relationship with my college boyfriend. It was immature and complicated, but extremely passionate. Always crazy. After we broke up, we were intimate with other people while still being intimate with each other. We wanted to end up together, but wanted to experience other things first to see if it was meant to be. I finally gave another man a chance, which is when my ex finally decided he wanted to be with me. But I was getting older and didn't want to risk losing this new person. That could be fast forward. I married the guy after my ex. My ex is married to someone else and we've, quote, unquote, moved on. I love my husband. He's amazing. The sweetest, kindest man. But our sex is more mellow than it was with my ex. My concern is that I'll never have the same connection with my husband that I share with my ex. And I'm only able to orgasm by thinking about my ex. This makes me feel extremely guilty and fraudy. And this happens every single time. Any advice on how to erase past memories? This is a really good question, Lena. Thanks for this question. Because I think this can be. This is relatable in a lot of different ways. I think we tend to. There's a lot of things going on here. We tend to glorify our past relationships. We get out of them. We have this thing called euphoric recall where our ex, when we first break up, we're like, yeah, we're breaking up with them. It's not great, but like a week, a month, we put them on this pedestal. We're where all we can remember all the amazing things. Sex was so amazing. It was the best sex I ever. It was such a great connection. And our brains love to kind of attach the things that are gonna disrupt us from having happiness. Okay. There is a negativity bias, the way our brains are just wired. So once we all get comfortable with that, knowing that we can change those thoughts, the better off we're all gonna live here. So what I think is going on here is, Lena, is that this has become a mechanism or a tactic for you not consciously to not really have to be present in your relationship with your husband. So I feel like this might be a way to be avoiding a real kind of intimacy with your husband. Because you're always thinking about this ex. You've created this whole story that it was the 10 years. Like, this is your story. Like, I bet you tell this story to your friends and you tell the story like the one that got away. We get attached to these things. Right. He's moved on. You've been in a relationship now for how long? 10 years you've been with him. Are you married to this guy? How long have you been with your husband now? But the point is, you need to talk to your husband about spicing it up and get your brain out of the past and then moving into some future that we never know is going to happen. If you think you're going to break up with your husband, end up with the ex, that is not going to happen. I really think that this is a great time for you to turn towards your husband and be like, let's talk about our sex life. What can we do that would be really interesting to spice things up and to make things interesting to both of us? I mean, sex is about both of you. You don't have to solve it on your own. So if it just mellow with your husband, he probably thinks it's fine. He has no idea that you might be needing something else. And I promise you, if you had amazing sex, amazing orgasms with your ex, it's completely possible to create something like that, but probably better with your husband, who you've committed a life to. So the only thing missing here, Lena, literally the only thing you have to do is practice when you're thinking about the sex and all these things is going towards your husband, not away from him and saying, babe, how can we work on our sex life? What can we do together to make it more interesting, to spice it up? Try some toys. Talk about fantasies. I mean, there's a whole lot of things we talk about here on the show. Let's talk to Amber, whose partner wants to have sex more than once a day.

So I've been with my boyfriend for six years, okay? And sometimes we have sex twice a day. Usually it averages out to once a day. And.

Sometimes he'll just be like, I can't believe we haven't had sex in forever. And I'm like, we just had sex last night.

Like, what are you talking about? Yeah.

And, like, especially we go out and, you know, get drunk, and then we come home and I just want to fall asleep. He's like, guess we'll just go jack off again.

Oh, okay. Got it. You guys got into that.

What are you talking about?

He should go jack off. Men jack off. They do it in relationships, our relationships. It's healthy. But, you know, he shouldn't make you feel bad.

He doesn't. He doesn't even think that, like, women go and masturbate or watch porn like that to him is, like, a taboo.

Really? Okay. Yes. He doesn't think that women masturbate or they shouldn't masturbate.

So he's never. I don't know if he's, like, embarrassed to talk about it, but he thinks, like, we've been together for six years, right?

Yeah.

So we've talked about marriage and everything, and every time, like, a porn situation has come up, he's like. He jokes out and he's like, ew, do you watch porn? And I'm like. Like, I lie about it.

Oh, okay. Well, listen. This. This is.

But now it's like, six years of lying. Yeah.

Yeah.

Six years is fine. You know what, Amber? If this is your husband, your future husband, this is your year. You're gonna have a talk with him, and you're gonna be like, babe, I love you. You're gonna do it outside the bedroom, and you're gonna be like, I love you. I love our sex life. Like, first of all, Amber, let me just tell you this. The fact that you're still having sex almost every day after six years, you should get a medal. Have you been listening to this show? I know. Like, nobody does that after, like, the first year. Two years. I mean, I don't even know. I know. So. So that. You're doing great, girl. So. So what I'm saying is. And there's the thing. This is what I was talking about, sex education earlier. It's not just for kids. Adults need it, too. He doesn't understand women. Maybe he grew up thinking it was wrong. Porn's wrong. He still has shame around sex because his parents told him not to masturbate. Or his religion, we don't know. But we all come into relationships with this preconceived notion about what sex is, and no one ever tells us differently, so we assume. So now it's time for you to have an honest conversation with him about what you. You actually want. Like, so you do masturbate, right?

Yeah.

Okay. Awesome. Do you know that my mission is to get women to masturbate more because we don't do it enough. And the more we masturbate, the more we want sex. Yeah.

What's weird is I don't like. I don't want straight porn. It's weird. I like. I like girl on girl porn. I don't know why most women.

Because most. A lot of women who are not interested in being with women at all get turned on by lesbian porn, including myself. Anyone else in here? I'm with four women all the way. All four of Us just raised our hands that we all watch lesbian porn. So you're good with that, girl? And, girl. What do they call it now? Yeah, he's got a lot of learning to do. You got a lot of learning to do. And I think this could be amazing for your relationship if in a really, like, positive way, you could be honest. You could say, babe, I. I do watch porn, and I think it's really hot. And I haven't told you this, but I think what you're gonna say. Start with is, you know what? I've realized we've never really talked about our sex life. And, like, in a way that I feel would be so good for us, because I know you want sex all the time, and I love having sex with. With you, too, but I. I want to have a conversation with you about it, about what actually turns me on. And then, baby, like, fantasy is so hot for couples. I'll bet you he'll be like, he won't care that you haven't told him for six years. You could say to him, I didn't tell you because I feel like there was some judgment from you on it. And I felt shame because most people do feel shame around it, and that's how we don't talk about it. Right. So I'm trying to break that loop because nobody want. He feels shame, too, probably for his own things. So. So now you're like, listen, I actually do watch porn, and I would love to talk to you about ways we could both get off and spice things up so we both want to have sex at the same time. And, like, what's your fantasy? Here's mine. Like, not that you have to have sex with women, but, like, you could watch it together. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, sometimes you'll just wake up and be like, okay. And I'm like, I'm not ready. Like, right. You need to make this happen. It's a process. Like, I'm not just, like, waking up ready to have sex.

Nobody is. You got to get warmed up. He's got to go down on you. He's got to use his fingers. You need your toy, whatever it is. Of course. That's like. That's what women need. Nobody's ready in the morning.

Okay, well, I'll talk to him about it.

Oh, good. Amber, let me know it goes. I'm here every night, but you're welcome. Bye, Amber. Have a great night. Communication is a lubrication. Talk about it. Masturbation is part of having a healthy sex life. It's actually good for us. It's nothing to be threatened by. Next up, we have Adam, who's experiencing some FOMO in his current relationship. Fomo? Fear of missing out. What are you missing out on?

Honestly, I was kind of a late bloomer. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 25. Should probably say I'm bisexual, too, and a lot of it came from that. Just hiding my sexuality, everything. And this is my first serious relationship with a guy. I just don't really feel like I got much of a chance to explore my sexuality completely before this.

Okay.

We've talked about, like, in a threesome with the guys because he's gay and doesn't want anything to do with girls, unfortunately. But we're getting ready to move cross country, and he shuts down a lot when we have, like, car conversation.

How long have you been with this guy, Adam?

Two years.

Okay. And you're certain you want to move cross country with him right now?

Yeah, he needs a move for his job, and I just kind of want to move in general.

Okay.

The guilt's coming from the move, you know, potentially.

You say the guilt is coming from.

The move, Just moving and not letting him know how I feel.

Yeah. I think it's really important to let him know right away how you feel and tell him you can. That's how you do it, you know, in a really loving way. And just say, you know, I know it's not easy to talk about these things, but it's really important that we learn to break through these hard conversations. And I see that my experience of you is that you shut down. And that's really hard for me because I'm trying to feel safe with you and have these conversations, because I know that's how we're going to continue to have a really healthy relationship. What I would need from you is. And you could kind of fill that in, like, let him know what it looks like to not shut down. So he might not even get what that means, because he's probably been shutting down his whole life. Maybe his parents were shut down. That's typically how we learn. And so maybe letting him know what you need. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Any tips on, like, how to deal with, like, being bisexual enough? No.

I don't know.

Like, how do you get that part of your sexuality out?

Well, that's the thing.

Yeah. I mean, you have to. You know, Adam, this sound seems really important to me because when you started out saying that you're a late bloomer, you didn't have sex with your 25 and so you really only had a year. So you had a year.

Not even.

Not even a year. And you got locked.

I got with him, like, pretty much three months after I started having sex.

Okay, so then how do you even know you're bisexual? Like, you have. Have you been with women?

Yeah.

Okay, Adam, just know that you're totally. Like, you absolutely should be able to have this conversation with him because I don't want you. If you're already having the FOMO right now, that you're missing out, then honor that. Like, you trust what your body is telling you, trust what your mind is telling you, that you're gonna need some more experience. Like, does he know that you're bisexual?

Yeah.

Okay, this is gonna be a series of conversations that you're gonna have with him. I would try to have these conversations, you know, tonight when he comes home. Like, I think that you know this too, because it sounds like you just have this yearning and you start saying, it's fomo. Like, I want you to have that too, because you, you know, you started late in your words. And so. Yeah. And see if he's how he reacts to that because, you know, maybe he's had more experience and he thinks you're the one and he's ready to be monogamous. But sometimes we go along with that because it feels really. Yeah. And it feels good to be wanted and needed. And you jumped into monogamy, which I understand, but maybe that's not serving you right now. And so maybe there's also a way to open it up. It sounds like it's not. And I want you to get what you need in this relationship as well. And that takes practice. It starts with conversation. Okay, Adam, you're right. You're right here. You're absolutely right to be wanting to have this conversation. It sounds really healthy, and I love that you know what you need.

Thank you.

Okay. You're so welcome, Adam. Thanks for calling. Let me know how it goes. It's very common to, like, want to be loved and be with someone monogamously. But if you know in your heart that you're having this craving, you're 28 years old. Or that's how you figure out what you like in bed. What you're into is by having exploratory sex. This is from Kelly, 47, in New Hampshire. Hey, Dr. Emily. I'm a twice divorced woman married to men who identifies as bisexual. I've never really explored a relationship with another woman, but I know that I'm attracted to women and aroused by Them. It just so happens that I'm attracted to another single woman from my same friend group. I enjoy her company and we have great conversations together. I would love to ask her to spend more time together, but I also don't want to create an awkward situation. Is there a possibility that she, too, could be interested in women? How do I broach the subject? Something as crude as, have you ever considered dating women? I. E. Dating me? It seems that most men I ask about whether or not they've ever considered dating men always respond with an emphatic no. Does the same hold true for women? Okay, Kelly, this is a great question. I think that there's a lot of women, vulva owners in your boat who are like, how do I really start here? And I think that what I would say is, if you really like this woman and you have great conversations with her, maybe you could ask her for lunch or to join you for an event or something that you're going to. And when you're there, it will naturally come up asking her about her dating life or who she's attracted to. And when she asks you that question back, you could say, well, I've always dated men, but lately I've been more interested in women. And I think that might be the most natural way to have a conversation and find out if she is that something that she would be interested in. Because this way, you know, you still want to be friends with her. Sounds like. And if you're just the two of you one on one, it's a lot easier to have that conversation. I mean, I don't know about you, but with all my friends, when we go out to dinner or lunch or hang out, there's always the time in the conversation where it's like, oh, so how's your relationship? How's your marriage? How's your dating life? Just comes up. It's sort of something that we, you know, how's your health and what are you doing for fun and how's your job and who are you dating? So I think if you hang out with her, you're going to definitely get more information and find out if she's someone who might be interested in dating you. Now, the great thing about this is maybe she's not. And I know that might be disappointing, but she might know someone to fix you up with. The more you start putting yourself out there with healthy communication and being honest with those around you that this is something you're looking for, the more likely you are to find someone to date. I think that when people hear that you're looking or you're single, they. They want to help you. So I would recommend that route and see how it goes. Let me know. Kelly, thanks for your email. All right, here's a question from Becca, 29, in New York. Hey Dr. Emily, my fiance suggested I turn to you for some sex advice regarding an ongoing issue. I'm 29 years old and I've been on Zoloft since I was 14 for depression. I've tried to come up several times through the years but haven't had success. I've also had hookups in several long term relationships throughout my teens and twenties. And in the long term relationships I noticed my sex drive is gone. Perhaps it's the novelty of hookups that makes them much easier to be turned on. My goal is to maintain that feeling of being sexy and motivated to have sex in a relationship. I find that in relationship, especially in the most important one of my life with my fiance. I never crave sex. I sometimes masturbate to porn with a vibrator in the laziest way possible, usually to help me sleep. But the idea of actual sex is daunting. I don't know if it's my Zoloft or if I never really learned what genuine lovemaking is. I first had sex when I was 14 with an older boy who pushed me to do it. I recall going along with it for his approval and not because I wanted it. Ever since, I'm totally focused on my partner's pleasure, not my own. Even when my fiance asks asks me what I like and what I fantasize about, I just don't know. I've tried all kinds of crazy things in college and beyond, but nothing I particularly eager to redo. I just want regular sex to be satisfying, especially when it comes to my most intimate relationship with my partner. I don't feel comfortable having and watching masturbate and I worry the sheets getting dirty when he goes down on me. I think that because I see my fiance as a source of comfort and familiarity, I put us in a box and there's no room in there for sexuality. I want to remove that box to make our sex life healthy and whole, but I'm at a loss. My greatest worry is that I'm not even married yet and the sex is tired. I hope you can help. Thank you for reading. All right, Becca, thanks for your question and I understand why your fiance has suggested that you come to me for some sex advice because this is a lot of the stuff that we talk about on the show. Have you listened to this podcast before because I think if you start to listen, you're going to see that where you're at is really, really common. I mean, a lot of us, especially if you have a vulva, do not have a roadmap. We're never given a roadmap on how to have healthy sex, how to enjoy sex. A lot of sex has been performative as you're talking about just doing it to please your partner, but never doing it for your own self and your own body and your own pleasure. So it sounds like there's a lot of different things going on here. But what I like about your email and your question is that it sounds like you're ready, you're really ready for a change. This just might be your sexual awakening. This is the time to start exploring, because your sex life, our sex life, everyone's sex life is not static unless we choose to never pay attention to it. At any point in our life, we can decide that we want something new and we want to try something different and that we're not satisfied where we're at, and we want to see where we can really have more pleasure. So, first, what was your upbringing like around sex? What were the messages you got? What are your earliest sexual memories? How was it talked about at home, at school? Because when you say you don't want him to watch you masturbate and you've put your relationship in a box and he's a source of comfort, it just sounds like maybe there's been some earlier messaging around sex. So it's important for us all to kind of address that and think, is what I heard about sex and what I believe about sex still true for me? Because you get to decide right how you want to view sex. And it sounds like you want to have a healthy sex life with your partner. And it also sounds to me like maybe you haven't communicated with him as deeply as you can about these concerns. You could let him know that when he asks you, you're not sure what you're into, but you'd love to figure it out with him. Many of us think that we have to be the ones that show up with solutions and so much easier to work with a partner. And the two of you decide, where are we at with our sex life? Like, literally, what is our state of our union, our sexual union, and where do we want to go going forward? And I think that it sounds like he, you know, listens to the show and he wants you to figure it out. But again, this is going to be Something that I really encourage you both to do together. You can download our yes, no, maybe list, which is on our website, which is a free download that you too can start to explore different things that you might be into and even just a review of. Like what? All the things that you're telling me, because this is not something, you know, you're 29 years old and so this takes time. It's like, if you think about it, this could be day one. You're going to really start to pay attention to your body. You're going to start to talk about sex in a healthier way. And regarding your Zoloft, you know, that could certainly have an impact on your libido. A lot of medications do. And so if you've been on it since you were 14, I would definitely talk to your doctor and see if you can reduce the dose or replace it with another antidepressant, which causes less sexual side effects. That's also an option. So I know that there's a lot of different things to unpack right here, but I do think that the most important thing is that you are asking the questions and that you're not happy where you're at and you'd like to change your sexual relationship, really with yourself, because it all starts with ourselves. So I hope that you will continue to talk to your partner and continue to listen to the show, because there's going to be a lot of advice in here and a lot of shows I think that will inspire you as you take the first step on this sexual journey. So welcome to the show, Becca, and thank you so much for your question.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline, 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739, or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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