Bottoms Up: Anal Sex For All

First off, Robert, I love your call because, like, I very rarely hear from someone who's been married for 25 years and says we're having amazing sex. So thank you for that.

Oh my God. Yeah. No, we, we have such a great relationship. It's. It's wonderful.

So.

Yeah.

Wow.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual when you think about anal sex, what comes to mind? Does it make you feel turned on? Nervous? Like something you want to try or do more of but not sure about the best way to approach it? Well, on today's show, I help you get comfortable with anal play by answering your top questions like how can you use foreplay and communication to relax into the experience? If you've tried anal play before but didn't love it, what are some toys and techniques you can use to feel more pleasure? Or what's the safest way to train with an anal toy? And can you hurt yourself by having too much anal? Bottoms up. Because your anal education starts now. Haha. Intense with Emily for each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you all to do the same. My intention is to destigmatize a to play and give you all the information and techniques you need to explore this powerful, intimate, erogenous zone. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. And side note, it really does help when you rate and review us. So right now, wherever you're listening, just go to the app, rate us, review us. Just talk about why you like the show. That helps so much. It really does. My new articles. I gave my friend a magic wand mini. Here's why. And get to know the clitoris and how to pleasure it all are up at sex with emily.com also check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. Listen, I've been Talking about my TikTok for a few months right now, but it's up. It's happening. I get it. I'm late to the TikTok party. Although I've been obsessed with it and watching it, but. But I did it. I launched it. I love this platform and I love. I have a new way to share tips and tricks and little sex ed gems daily right into your TikTok feed. You know, if you want to talk about jealousy in relationships, hear the worst sex advice I ever got. It's all there on TikTok. New videos daily, so come join the conversation. Just follow me. It's exwithemily on TikTok. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me sexwithemily.com askemily or call my hotline 559-talksex or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And I'm totally cool. If you wanna change your name or choose to remain anonymous, it's all good. Before we get into today's show, I have to tell you something exciting. I'm coming out with a book. It's called Smart how to boost your sex IQ and Own youn Pleasure. And it comes out June 13th. I wrote this book because I wanted you to take pleasure into your own hands. There's no way to like hack your pleasure. There's no quick fix for it. But in this book I give tips so you can take pleasure into your own hands. And I would love if you would pre order the book right now. Pre order is a whole thing. It really helps get the book into as many hands possible. And I just know if you're listening right now you're like, yeah, I definitely want that book. If you pre order it right now, I would be so grateful. Let's get on the New York Times bestseller list. Like let's get people to look at that and bestseller list like next to Atomic Habits and then be like, oh wow, I should probably become smarter sexually. And then everyone's going to get the kind of information that you have by listening to this show. So yeah, I would love if you could pre order Smart Sex. I'm super grateful. Right now. All you gotta do is click the link in the show notes or go to sexwithemily.com, go to the drop down menu, select New book. It's easy from there. And also remember, order from your indie bookstores. That helps too. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

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So we're going to talk a little bit about anal sex. Because a lot of people, I'm going to say, women in particular, this is what I hear. Oh, my partner wants to do anal sex, wants to have anal play and I don't want to. I tried it once, it was awful, it was horrific. And then usually this is the wisdom of 15 years. I've heard the story. I'm going to sum it up for you. Here's the consensus I hear from many women. We were really drunk and he just put it in and it was like, wrong hole or it was really fat. You know, I thought it was going in my vagina and then it went in my anus and there was no lube and it was painful and I will never do it again and I am shut down for business and it was horrible. Or someone says like, oh, I've heard it was really painful and I don't want to do it. So I say the first one is, if people have tried it, I'm talking about vulva owners right now. That's their experience. If they tried it, it was bad. And I understand. It's not that I am blaming penises at all. It's like, how would you know? I mean, if there's never been comprehensive sex education in America, I don't expect everybody to be having the most like, perfect first time anal experience. In fact, if you were watching anal sex or you saw it in porn, they don't show you any of the things I'm about to tell you. Going to share with you some of the things to do before you even think about having anal sex and how you start and how you warm up. But without proper sex education, it just goes awry. How would you know? And so again, nothing I'm saying here is no blaming, no shaming, just let's do it right. You know, I Also hear from people, it is taboo or just for exiting. And I'm not even just talking about with women, I'm talking about with men too. A lot of men, you know, straight men think, oh, well, that'll make me gay, or just for exiting. And you know, if you've been listening to the show, you know how I feel about the prostate. If you have a prostate and a penis, why not take adventure? If you have sex with a man, I would say, yeah, maybe you're gay, could be gay. But if it's not, it just means that you decided to venture into your prostate and try it out and see if it feels good. That doesn't mean that at all. So I don't know, I just get all those questions. So I'm talking to everybody right now with an anus, which I got to be honest, that's, that's most of us now. You can't zero to anal. And that is what I think has happened to a lot of us. You start like, oh, I'm just going to try it out. So the anus we're just going to start here has a lot of nerve endings. Okay, so we're not going to go even right into the penetration. I'm talking about there are just a lot of nerve endings outside, right? Like the sphincter muscles on the outside of it can feel great just to touch, to lick, blowing some air on it, like cool air, warm air. You really also just want to make sure that you communicate this with a partner. So, you know, a lot of this is about communication and since it is taboo and it is scary, just make sure that it's something that you talk about outside the bedroom. Because especially if somebody has fear around it or that, oops, wrong hole, or the bad first time experience, if you start venturing down there, even with your finger, it could be very alarming. So the conversation goes like this outside the bedroom when you're hanging out, hey, have you ever tried any anal play? I think it'd be really hot. What's your take on it? I mean, that's it, that's what you say. And then you start to have a conversation about it. And remember your partner might say, oh, no, I can't, or what painful. And just listen. You don't want to start talking into them. But it's a conversation where you're like, oh, tell me more about that. What happened really? Well, I was listening to this show, Sex with Emily, and she said that a lot of people had that experience and maybe we could, you know, just start to explore. So let me answer some of the questions that are the first thing. Because you have to make sure that your nails are always clean and trimmed. You want to clip the nails. That tissue is so thin. It's not good not to have clean hands. I'm just gonna say that the concerns that you are thinking about, I already know. It's the smell, it's the taste, it's the hair. That's it. That's what comes up. Like, it's gonna be dirty. It's not gonna be hygienic. What is the problem here? And the poop. Yeah, the poop. You all worry about this stuff. So look, I can just cover that first because we're not going zero to anal. I'll just start with the pre anal. Okay, we'll take care of that. Do you need to have an enema? Do you need to do something very drastic?

No.

I think that we all know when we've gone to the bathroom and emptied our bowels and when we haven't. Like, I wouldn't go out for a big Mexican dinner and then decide for me Mexican food would be the thing. Like, that's just it. I'm like, I'm not gonna do that. And then be like, let's try anal tonight, babe. No. Because I know that might not be the best results. Right. If you really do wanna try an enema, I recommend that you can get one from the drugstore. But empty out all that vinegar in it. There's like, vinegar in it. And just put in some warm water. And then you could try that out. But again, not necessary. Make sure that you shower and that you're clean. And that's really what you have to be concerned about. Definitely. But it could happen. Things get messy. Sex gets messy. And I'm going to say, you shouldn't be having sex if you're not okay with messages. People squirt, there's semen, there's things that happen. It's fine. Do you want to not have sex because you're so concerned about the pristine conditions of your sheets? Just invest in some towels that you throw down and that you wash out after.

So that's the question about the cleanliness. And the other questions that you guys always ask me about.

Know the taste. Again, that would be going into the. And hair. People asking about the hair too. Like, I don't think hair is a big deal, but you could, like, wax and you could. You could figure that out. The other thing is about sti. So a lot of you ask, like, can you get an infection you can just like with. Unfortunately, with most of the sex that we have, with penetration, even with oral, you can get an sti. You don't want to go from the anus to penetrative sex in a vagina. You just don't. That is a recipe for a disaster and an infection. So I can go to some of the questions that came in. So someone else said, will my wife ever come to enjoy it, or will anal sex be painful every time? So I think a lot of the pain has to do with a previous experience. She wasn't warmed up. Because here's the thing for a woman to enjoy it. And I'm not saying every woman's going to, because, let's be honest, not every person enjoys every sex act. Like, that's just a fact. I mean, if we all like the same things, what a boring world we would live in. But if you haven't tried it in the way that I'm going to recommend, then, you know, see if she would be open to this first. It really helps. We're going to talk about vulva owners right now. So for your wife, for example, make sure she's already turned on and there's a lot of foreplay. Make sure she's in the mood. I don't think you just want to start with anal like you see in porn. I don't recommend that helps play with her clitoris. Makes sure she has an orgasm and that she's breathing and relaxed. And honestly, the same goes for a man, too, with your wife. Like, she's breathing, she's relaxed, and that's a big part of it. Because sometimes we are so nervous if something's coming near our anus that we're gonna tense up. We're gonna, like, hold on. And when we do that, nothing's gonna feel good. So a lot of it has to do with breath and, like, easing into it. Now, like I said, there's a lot of great nerve endings just outside the anus. Even the perineum, which is in between the vagina and the anal opening. And for the men, it's the same thing, but it's, you know, the penis and the anus and that area, even just to start exploring there and applying pressure and just seeing how it feels. And then you could just start with your fingers. If she didn't like anal sex the first time, start with your fingers. But let me say this. Let me back up from that lube. Like, if you were like, what's your three best tips? Lots of lube. Like, when I Say lube. It's not just a few drops of lube. Like have, have your bottle lube, like a big ass bottle of lube. You want so much lube that you want to apply and you want to reapply and you want to make sure that you know, she's relaxed and, and explore. You could even just use your fingers for a while. You don't even have to use your fingers or your penis. But this is the thing. It's like, get familiar with it. Get familiar with how it even feels to have that area played with. I just want to say that there's zero press if you want to explore on your own, add it to your masturbation routine, see how it feels, start to just touch yourself and you don't have to go from zero to anal. Stick around cuz when we're back, I'm helping listeners feel more pleasure during anal sex and discuss is it possible to have anal sex too often?

This is from Marissa, 29, in Chicago. Hi Dr. Emily. My husband and I listen to your show together and we love it. I am 29, my husband is 27. We've been recently exploring prostate play for my husband and we love it. We have been able to find my husband's G area and it feels very good with toys or a finger for him. I've heard you say that men can have an orgasm this way, but my husband was not sure if he had one or not. He says it feels extremely pleasurable, but I'm not sure if there's a climax that happens or not without stimulating the penis. And if there's an orgasm, does he ejaculate or is it just like what a woman experiences when she orgasms with a full body climax or does it just feel good while being touched? We tried some pretty long sessions to see if we could get him there. So I wasn't sure if I was waiting for something that would not happen or if this is something that just takes time and exploration. And finally, can a woman experience the same orgasm through anal? Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you. All right, Marissa, thank you so much for your question. Let's get into this. Let's talk about anal orgasms. Now just to remind everybody that if you have a penis, you also have a prostate in your anus. Okay? Inside it's about 2 to 4 inches. Inside it's a walnut sized gland about 2 to 3 inches inside of the anus. So that's what we're all talking about here. And if you're a vulva owner, you do not have a prostate. However, you can have really incredible sensations stimulating through the anus. And I just wanna say I love that you're both open to trying new sexual experiences and that you both wanna play around and figure out the prostate org. That is awesome. Now you don't have to stimulate the penis to stimulate the prostate. He can still have a lot of pleasure. Well, let me just say this. It is very different from penis owner to penis owner, how this experience is going to manifest. Like there could be 10 different men who have prostate orgasm of prostate stimulation and they would all experience different things. Now, some men do have a erection and they do have ejaculation. Some might not be erect, but they still feel incredible pleasurable sensations. And report that when you stimulate in a certain way, when you simulate the presence a certain way, they have a full body orgasm that feels incredible. Now let's talk about stimulating it. It can be hard to reach, especially with your fingers. If you have small fingers, you know, it could be anywhere from 2 to 4 inches inside. I found that toys are a wonderful way to stimulate the prostate. There's one that I'm loving right now. Lelo makes one called the Loki wave 2. Think of it like a rabbit vibrator, but for your prostate. There's a longer arm to it that can stimulate the prostate that goes inside. And then there's a second little arm that stimulates the perineum. You know what the perineum is, right? It's the area between your anus and your vulva or your anus and, and your penis. And also people call it the taint. But when that area is also stimulated, that can feel incredible too, because think of it like indirect stimulation to the prostate when you apply pressure there. So the perineum has a lot of nerve endings in it. So you can touch it, you can stimulate, you can massage it with this toy. So that's what I'm just loving here, that this toy can provide stimulation to the prostate and the perineum at the same time. So you might want to check that out. And check out this toy I found to be a great way to find the prostate. With the added bonus of stimulate the perineum. It's a cool toy. If you want to get one. You, you can get 25% off all LELO products when you use the code Sex with Emily at checkout, just go to lelo.com lelo.com use code sex with Emily or just click the link in the show notes. Here's the other thing I want to say that you just got to be patient. And we want to go slow. And it takes time because it's a whole new way of stimulating your partner. So I know you have a lot of questions for me or Marissa about, like, what happens? Is he hard or is he going to ejaculate or what's he going to feel? And we only know what your husband's going to feel because it is different from person to person. Now, sometimes some penis owners will ejaculate. Sometimes they'll have a full body orgasm. Sometimes they'll release like a milky fluid from the urethra. Sometimes they're not even erect. And the other thing I want to say is if you're a penis owner who has erectile challenges like erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation, then stimulating the prostate can be a whole different avenue towards pleasure. And orgasms that, again, have been described by many as full bodied, really intense, a lot more intense than just ejaculation through the penis, you know, by a blow job or penetration or hand jobs. So I would just say both of you take some time. He can breathe, experience the sensations. Maybe he can let you know what he's feeling in the moment. As you go slow, you'll use lots of lube, have him, like lay on his back if that's comfortable. And then you can start with your fingers, then you can use a toy. Lots of lube, lots of practice, lots of patience. Again, I'm just gonna keep saying that because we have to be really patient with ourselves, no matter what our body parts. Whenever we're trying something new, especially it comes to sex, we want a really quick fix. We're like, why is it working? Why can't I have this multiple orgasm right now? Dr. Emily said it was going to feel great. Well, yeah, it will eventually, when you get there and remember that everything in life that's pleasurable, sometimes it takes a little bit time to get there. It's not just a quick fix. So you can ask him these questions as you're going slow and say, how does this feel? If you're using a toy, does he like the vibrations? Does he want the pressure to be stronger or more gentle? Because this is the other key. When you're learning to steam stimulate the prostate, you want to play with pressure and depth. How far in does he want you stimulate? Whether you're using a toy or your fingers, like, what actually feels good to him. And once you find the prostate, remember that you want to apply consistent pressure so it's not like an in and out, like you're not pulling your finger or the toy in and out. It's more of like a direct pleasure. Like maybe you're pulling back like half an inch and then you keep going back at it, but you're not going all the way out. You're just pulling back a little bit and playing consistent pressure. Maybe he's going to want more lube or a different angle. Or maybe put a pillow under his bum. Maybe he'll feel better when he's on his stomach or all fours. Maybe he's laying on his side. Because if you think about it, we all have our body parts located different ways, so you have a lot of different ways to try it out. And then when you're going slow and he's fully embodied, you guys can figure it out together. Just think about all the ways which prostate play makes him feel good whether he orgasms or not. Because what I love that you said is that he is experienced pleasure and it feels good. That leads me to believe we are doing things right. Marissa, you're doing great and he's willing to participate. So I think just keep having fun, go slow and have him report back to you in the moment what he's feeling so you can be a great guide for him as he gets to experience incredible levels of pleasure. Thanks so much for your question, Marissa. I appreciate you. Let's talk to Robert, 56, in California. Hi, Robert. Thanks for calling.

Hello, Dr. Emily. My question is this. Me and my wife, we've been married for 25 years. We have a great sex life, but she's concerned if we have anal sex too often that it will damage her down there.

Typically not. How often are you having it? I mean, I don't hear this often. Is it like every day for hours?

No, no, no, no. About once every two months.

No, you're fine, Robert. You're totally fine. Just use lots of lube. Make sure that she's warmed up and you're going slow and she's breathing and turned on. You're good. Once every few months is. No, no, no. No problems there.

No, she's.

She's great. She.

She has, like, orgasms within 30 seconds of animal sex. It's not, like, vaginal, but she's so worried about it that we only do it, like, once every couple of months.

Oh, you're fine.

I didn't know.

I love your. I love your relationship.

How often? I mean, how often do you want to. And I'll tell you if it's okay. Like, would you think you want to do it once A week. Twice a week.

Yeah.

Once a week is fine. You're good. Yeah. Make sure she's warmed up, turned on. You're not going to. You know, you're using lube and breathing. You should be fine. Once a week is totally, totally good. Totally fine. What is she. Yeah. I mean, there's not going to be any. Yeah. First off, Robert, I love your call because, like, I very rarely hear from someone Zoom Bear for 25 years and says we're having amazing sex. So thank you for that.

Oh, my God. Yeah. No, we. We have such a great relationship.

It's.

It's wonderful. So, yeah, I listen to your shows about touching, and any guy listening is. Gotta take your advice. I give my wife massages all the time without requiring or demanding, expecting sex after. And it just. It pays back dividends in spades if you just touch your wife, massage her, and love her without the sex. And it comes back to you. It really does.

You're right. Yeah. Robert, I'm so glad that resonated with you because it's true. We're talking about when you. Yeah. Sometimes sex becomes a problem, and then you think every time they touch me, they want sex. But you're right. Just to give a massage. I love it. Robert, so what do you. Can I ask you a question? Now I'm gonna ask you about your sex life. How have you kept your sex life so great for 25 years? What do you think it's about?

I'm a very huggy, touchy. We hold hands a lot. We hug a lot, we kiss a lot.

Just.

Just randomly holding hands. We'll walk in the store holding hands. We'll hug a lot. We'll kiss a lot.

And.

My boys have both moved out, and they're real. We are real flirty with each other. I mean, you know, we're in the house by ourselves, and she'll walk by me and just grab me down there and just laugh, you know, and we. We both do that. And it's. It's fun. We. We're like little kids now. It's.

I don't know.

It's weird. I feel like I'm still on my honeymoon.

Robert. Oh, Robert, that's amazing. Thank you. That's really, really inspiring. And I guess it's always been good. I mean, the sex you've always had.

Well, you know, we've been married 25 years. Nothing, you know, perfect for 25.

True. Yeah. But I was gonna put you on a pedestal.

Of course, one bright light in our relationship had been our sex.

That's never been the issue, Robert.

Super inspiring. Well, thank you for calling. And yeah, use some lube anyway. Okay, awesome. Well, enjoy. Robert, sounds like you don't need me to tell you that. But it. Have a good time. Thanks for calling. Bye, Robert. Let's talk to Zach, 26, in Colorado. Hi, Zach. What's going on?

Hi. Hi, Emily. How's it going? I'm a big fan of your show.

Oh, thank you, Zach.

So I have a couple questions for you. My first question is regarding butt plugs, and I was curious to know if it's. I'm not a beginner to butt plugs. I mean, I've worn them quite a bit for quite a while now, but I was curious to know if it's safe to wear them overnight.

You know, people have asked me this before, and I think about three to six hours is the best likely. Nothing's going to happen. If it's clean and you're clean and you've been. Your hands are washed and all that stuff, you're going to be okay. I don't think that anything bad is going to happen. I just think that having something inside of you. You know, people sleep with tampons inside of them, right? So I don't. Again, it's like a little different orifice, but I'm just saying I don't think that you're going to have to end up in the hospital. But I just. I don't know. What. Tell me why you want to sleep with it overnight.

More of a curiosity. Me and my wife have gotten into the anal side for me, and she's mentioned it to me and wanted me to try it, and it's sparked my interest.

So you got into anal, but she wants you to wear the butt plug while you're sleeping because. Does she have a reason for it? Just thinks it'd be hot, or does she explain why?

Yeah, it excites her.

Okay. Does it excite you?

It does.

Okay.

I'm just more curious if it was safe or not. I've worn them for six hours or so. No problems, no pain or anything. I was just more.

Yeah. I mean, Zach, I don't think if I'm honest, like. Yeah, I don't think. I'm not. I don't think that anything terrible is going to happen to you. I think it's. It's clean. It's inside of you. It's an actual butt plug. So it has a flared edge. It's not like something that could get lost inside of you. I think you're gonna Be okay. So.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't recommend. I think, like, 24 hours.

I would recommend.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like, one of my favorite topics. So I actually recommend silicone lube for anal sex because it lasts longer, it's only one ingredient, and you don't have to keep reapplying. Are you using a big butt plug or a smaller butt plug?

The set that we got had a small, medium, and large. And right now it's between the medium and large. I use.

All right. I would try the medium. I don't know why we have to stretch it out. Not that it stretches out, but I'm just saying it doesn't really. Actually, some men view a lot of anal sex. It just. It's not like it permanently stretches, but it can just, you know, it's muscles. So I just. Maybe I would stick with the medium and see how it goes. Okay, you do stretch. I have to clarify what I just said. Yes, go ahead.

I appreciate that. My second question was regarding nipple play. Before me and my wife had kids, she loved nipple play. And then after our second kid, she seemed to not even like me touching them whatsoever. And then a few years go by and she gets her nipples pierced, and she. It loves her nipples played with again. I'm kind of curious on what would cause that.

Well, I think that there's some wonderful nerve endings in the breast, and so I feel like if she got them pierced, it's all energy, too, right? Like, she probably got it through, and it's sort of stimulating the nerve endings again. And so maybe she was sort of feeling like if she was. She did. She breastfeed.

She did for a while, but it didn't work out very well.

Okay, so. But maybe there was something there that she felt that it was just too much. Many. You know, maybe it was just like too much pressure or it was too much. It could have been a hormonal thing, too. Like, she could have just felt like after childbirth. Listen, our hormones, they just. They just can really mess with our bodies, you know? You know, a lot of women experience breast changes after pre. Early in pregnancy, sometimes after pregnancy surgery, after you give birth, because you have so many hormones, and it can kind of, you know, shift your breast structure. You know, your nipples, they just might feel more sensitive and tender after. But I think that by also getting the. The nipple piercing, you know, nipple stimulation activates the same areas of the brain as stimulation of the clitoris.

So the same regions of the brain are turned on when you stimulate a nipple and you stimulate the clitoris or then in the vagina. Both of them actually. And so it's a highly sensitive part for women. And so that might be it as well. She just might have reignited that charge.

Okay, well, thank you. That's very helpful.

Of course, that's what I'm here for. Here to help. Stay in touch. Bye Zach.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Sex with Emily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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