Break Your Bad Dating Habits

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Write down all the patterns. For example, I don't want somebody who doesn't follow through with their word. So if you don't know what that looks like, you can say, okay, well, I want somebody who makes a commitment and sticks to it. So you just flip it. This is called flipping the script. You're gonna have it all written down to what you actually do want. And that's the list I want you to focus on. I want you to read this list. I want you to memorize this list. I want you to use this as a morning affirmation. This is how I want to feel in a relationship. Then you'll be much more likely to not only attract those people, but the people who aren't available will no longer be your type. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So do you always have sex on the first date? Do you always swipe right on people who just aren't good for you? What are your bad dating habits and how can you break them? I asked you to tell me what negative dating patterns you're trying to change, and you delivered. So on today's show, I'm addressing your top dating problems so we can solve them together. Having sex too soon? Trying to fix you're trying to fix someone less than ideal partners having just misaligned expectations, the tendency to audition people for the role of life partner. We're covering it all so you can feel empowered with new partners and have amazing time with existing partners. All right, Intentions with Emily. What's your intention for this show? What do you want to learn from this show? Well, my intention is to help you have the dating experiences you actually want. At the end of the day, a date is simply a focused amount of time where we get to spend a few hours bonding with another human. And by the end of today's show, I think you'll feel much more empowered to do exactly that without any of those bad habits getting in the way. Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Ask Emily Tips for French Kissing is up at Sex with Emily. Also, check out my YouTube channel, social media, and tick tock, it's at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or Message me at sexwithemily.com askemily or call my hotline 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

All right, let's get into your dating patterns and how we can help you create your ideal circumstances for meeting new people. So I went to Instagram and I asked you all, what bad dating habits are you trying to break? And you gave me so many amazing responses. And then I looked at them and I decided to focus on three of your biggest pain points and kind of organize into three categories. But I will cover many other points in this show. So here's the three categories. See if you can find yourself in here. The first one is your picker is off. Your picker's broken. And this just means that you have a habit of swiping right on someone you know isn't good for you. Or you go on a date with someone who seemed all right at first, but. But they present a lot of red flags. But you decide, you know what? I'm going to stick around. I'm going to try to make this work. Or maybe another pain point. Your confidence is low. So this is when you get in this habit of picking yourself apart before the date, during the date, after the date, worrying that you're not attractive enough, you're not funny enough. You're not interesting enough, not whatever enough. So this is not setting you up in a great way for dating, because you're feeling like, oh, I better jump on this opportunity to date this person, you know, Even if I can tell they're not right for me, because when will I get this opportunity again? And I'm just not good enough. This category is for you. Or maybe another point. You're having sex too soon. I heard from a lot of you who just feel like, am I having sex too soon? When should I have sex? But listen, I don't have a rule about waiting until the third date to have sex. A lot of people have these rules, like, wait until you're committed. Wait until, you know there's three months go by. But I heard from a lot of you who feel bad about the fact that you're having sex on the first date, but you just don't know how to slow it down or if you should slow it down. Okay, so let's talk about all three of these big, overarching dating pain points, and then I'll answer your emails and your calls about specific dating quandaries. All right, so let's start with the picker is off crowd. Here's a sample of your Instagram responses I got from folks who are dealing with this issue. I get sucked in by love bombing. I always go for the bad boys. I always go for emotionally unavailable types. All right, I hear you. For this group in particular, here's what I recommend to break the habit. Well, first, understand it. So why do you go for emotionally unavailable people? So first, we all have a desire to be deeply loved, and the emotionally unavailable people are so attractive to us, right? Because they're unattainable and they're exciting and they just keep us chasing, and they keep dopamine going and the adrenaline, and, God, if we can only get them to love us. And this mimics an early childhood pattern that a lot of us have, especially from caregivers who maybe weren't always present and giving us the love that we want. They are often making us feel like we need to chase their love and fight for their love for our caregivers. Love. What I want you to learn, Sierra, you don't need to chase anyone and convince them to love you. But you have to understand that a lot of us are operating from these earlier places in childhood where emotionally unavailable people might be really, really attractive to you. It's this deep yearning to feel accepted and to feel loved. So that's a theory why many of you might be attracted to these people. And a lot of times, let me tell you this, it might be that you're not as emotionally available. And I'm telling you, I had that hard realization that I actually was somebody who wasn't emotionally available to partners. I kept blaming my partners for not being available. And I realized I hadn't done a lot of my deeper work, which to me was really sorted out in therapy. Now, there you go. I'm only a few minutes in the show and I've already mentioned therapy because you know how much I love and recommend therapy. So when you're dating, think about this. Get clear on the kind of person and relationship you want. How do you want to be treated? How do you want to feel with this person? What are your non negotiables? What will you never deal with in a relationship? This is really a values exercise. And once you write down, I want to be with somebody, you know, that makes me feel heard and accepted and that prioritizes my needs and they're a great listener and they remember what I told them and they remember my birthday and they, you know, this is how I feel with them. That's really going to help you when you come across somebody who doesn't make you feel that way. That's why you got to write this all down. I'm telling you, it is invaluable. You can. I love journaling, but you can write it in your phone, in the notes, you know, just wherever you can easily access it. Write down the patterns that you want to break. What are the patterns you want to break? Are you dating narcissists? Are you dating people who just make you feel like crap, who say one thing and don't follow through with it? Write down all the patterns. And I get it. Sometimes it's a lot easier to write down what we don't want. But then when you look at what you don't want, for example, I don't want somebody who doesn't follow through with their word. So if you don't know what that looks like, you can say, okay, well, I want somebody who makes a commitment and sticks to it. So you just flip it. It's called flipping the script. You're going to have it all written down of what you actually do want. And that's the list I want you to focus on. I want you to read this list. I want you to memorize this list. I want to use this as a morning affirmation. This is how I want to feel in a relationship. Then you'll Be much more likely to not only attract those people, but the people who aren't available will no longer be your type. I promise. This can switch. Also, if this keeps happening and you feel like, oh, I'm just dating the wrong people, date yourself for a while. Sometimes if your picker feels broken, you know, you might feel like you have to be in a relationship. You've no choice to be in a relationship and you in fact might feel anxious when you're not in a relationship. And I recommend this for everyone who's struggling with finding a partner. And finding a relationship is take some time to be alone, get comfortable with your own company. Get comfortable in your own skin. Like, learn to be your own best friend. And I know that sounds cheesy, but if you are alone and you're constantly thinking, like, why am I not finding somebody and why am I so uncomfortable? Well, if you don't want to be with yourself, it's going to be a lot harder to find someone else who wants to be with you too. So do this work? First of learning to get comfortable with your own company. When you're on the dating apps facetime, somebody first. Before you go onto a date or talk to them first and listen to how they speak, have some deeper conversations with them. Are they using language you can relate to? You know, when we hear somebody talk, answer our questions. We're getting really, really valuable data, so don't be afraid to ask questions like, and I love this question, so tell me why your last relationship ended. What are you really passionate about? If you guys do this work ahead of time by talking to somebody, you're going to get a lot of information, especially if you listen. Because if somebody answers, why did they their last relationship end and they start going off on how horrible their partner was and their partner was crazy or did all these things and they're not taking any responsibility for themselves, well, you've just gathered some more useful information about this person that might not be the best fit for you. And then Also during this FaceTime, are they asking you questions? Do they seem emotionally intelligent? You know, like your friends are the people that you're attracted to spending time with, you know, just in a platonic way. So if they do come across as someone you want to talk to and you feel good around and safe with, then you can go out and have a date with them in real life. The other area of daters I've recognized is low confidence. And again, side note, I don't think that confidence is ever anything you arrive at. I think for Many of us, it's a daily practice. Our confidence ebbs and flows, but it's something that we have to constantly be working on. But I'm just gonna say for these purposes, these are the kind of statements I heard from you. See if this resonates. I struggle with negative self talk while dating. I find myself dependent on my partner's mood. If they're mad, I'm mad. It's super toxic. Side note, that might be a sign of being in a relationship with a narcissist. You feel like you're very dependent on them. They're controlling your moods. And we have done great shows on narcissism. You can check out our show with Dr. Ramani. Another thing you said is you put the other person on a pedestal and you struggle with anxious attachment. Another thing is I self sabotage telling myself they would never like me when I wanted to ask someone out. So I just don't ask. So how do we tackle negative beliefs? I think the first thing with negative beliefs is noticing that you have have them. This is not just a dating problem, this is a life problem. So the first step would be to invest in internal work on yourself. You know, shore up that internal security first. Tackling negative beliefs and therapy is also really helpful. I found also there's affirmations and talking about it and having positive, supportive things that you can say to yourself in the morning and about dating and repeating them. You know, I am worthy of finding love. I'm worthy of finding a partner. You know, I will find a partner who matches my spiritual, emotional and physical goals, goals and desires and just really getting clear on who that person is that you want to bring into your life. Like getting really clear on how it feels with them, what you're doing and realizing that you deserve it and that the negative beliefs are not the truth. Just keep reminding yourself of that. The other thing about confidence is a lot of times there's a scarcity mentality that we have, you know, like I, I better date somebody right now or there's not that many people out there and this might be my last chance and this might be the only person who's going to like me. That's a self worth issue that you might see coming up in other areas of your life as well. And you just might be trapped in a cycle of unsatisfying dates. So I think it's really important, like with this particular pain point about confidence is that you don't have to audition to be likable. Dating is like making friends. So don't Worry so much about being picked. A lot of people lose their opinion of what they want and who they want in the process of dating because they're trying to impress others. I hope this person likes me. Why didn't they like me? And it's all about them. And it becomes less about you. Instead, like, focus on, like, do I actually like this person? Do I like them? Do I want to go on a second date with them? Are they right for me? If you think about, like, you're auditioning them, right, do they deserve you? So this is just another, like, mentality flip that. I think sometimes we're just like, I'm gonna get this person. I'm gonna get them to like me. Like, I don't even know that I want this. So think about that. So let me just give you some general confidence tips here that just again, I think that confidence is a daily practice. So surrounding yourself with positive, supportive community. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Set goals with work, with your health, with travel. You know, have a beautiful, wonderful life that you feel good about, that you're confident. Do you like your career? Do you like your friends? Do you like the way you're moving through the world? And I think the more that we have a life that we really love living and that we feel good about, that's going to really help with confidence. You're going to be proud of yourself and the proud of the person that you are becoming. And so I think when we just have all these areas of our life that aren't feeling great, like, you're not loving your job, and you don't love your roommate, where you're living, or your home, and everything just feels kind of blah. It's really hard to go out and be like, but I'm really great. You should date me. I'm not feeling great. So, again, it's okay to also take time off from dating. It is the most valuable thing you can do is say, you know what? I'm taking dating off the table. I mean, I did that for a year and a half during the pandemic. I said, I'm not gonna think about it. I'm not even gonna date right now. I'm gonna focus on my business. I'm gonna focus on my health. I'm not gonna date. And I've done that at other points in my life, too. I used to call it a manatorium, which is like a moratorium on men. And I would take, like, a six months off, and I'm not going to date. And there's something wonderful that happens because you open up so much more space in your life, in your brain and time. If you're not always thinking about swiping and dating and am I going to meet someone, I'm going to be alone, like that's bullshit. I think that the more you actually take some significant time and say, who am I as a single person? Who am I alone? What is my life about? How do I make it the most exciting and enriching and satisfying life, then you'll be more ready to go out there and date and find your person. You know, the more success you have with relationships, like just even friend relationships and work again, the more confidence you're gonna have in life. And remember this perfectionism a lot of us experience, that you don't have to be perfect to date. In fact, guess what? You're never going to be perfect. It's okay to go out and make mistakes and learn as you go. And let me say, note about perfectionism, always a good note to hear that nobody's perfect. You're not perfect, you're never going to feel perfect ever. And nobody else is perfect either. So just go out. And the more real you can be and the more yourself you can be, the less you're putting on errors and trying to pretend you're someone else, the more likely you are to show up as your authentic self and attract more authentic partners who are like minded and who want what you you want. And if you want more, we did a great podcast with Logan Urie, how not to die alone and she talks a lot about perfectionism. And this might be you, you're somebody who's like, oh, I gotta wait till I lose ten pounds a day, I'm gonna wait till I have this great job to date. And then you just keep delaying, delaying, delaying. And guess what? You never date. So you wanna put yourself out there. You don't wanna wait for the perfect time because the perfect time will never arrive. Next category, sex too soon. Okay, so this is the crowd. You feel like you just have sex quickly and you do it for a lot of reasons. You know, maybe you do it because you think this is how you're gonna get someone to like you. Or maybe you just really want sex, but you have a shame over in the morning, you feel guilty about it, you regret it the next morning. To solve this pain point, I suggest taking a look at the circumstances so you can understand the pattern. What happens when you regret having sex right away? Too many cocktails. Are you worried that someone won't like you and you kind of needed to do it for them to accept you and to like you. What is the underlying root issue driving this happen? Is it societal? I hear from a lot of you think, well, I sort of have to sleep with somebody on the first date. It might be the only chance I have, and it's what's expected. Like, maybe this person won't like me if I don't, or how will I ever know again? You might have some beliefs around dating that need to be upgraded. You know, like software on your phone, like they don't actually exist anymore. I hear this one a lot of you, like, oh, I thought that I needed to do that, or I, you know, I thought that you have to call someone back right away. There's always, like, outdated rules that people have about dating, like, who pays and who asks for this or that. And, like, a lot of that's changed. It's 2022. So make sure that your rules are your rules and not some societal throwback, fake rules that aren't your own. Make your own personal rules. Like these few things have to happen before we have sex. I'm going to get into this more when I get into your questions, but let me just say this, is that if you don't feel great after you sleep with someone right away, then the easy fix here is like, just go out with someone and make out with them. Make a decision that you just want to get to know them. Because if the sex is meant to happen, and by sex, I guess I mean penetration is how we often define it as intercourse, is that it's gonna happen. If you and this person have a real enough connection, then you're gonna, you know, the second date will happen, the third date will happen. But what's the rush? Might as well, like, have some anticipation until you see them again. It's okay to slow things down, listen to yourself and start to look at your own patterns and figure out what works for you. You're somebody who constantly wakes up. You're like, I have a shame over, I have regret over this. Guess what? It's just not for you. And that is okay. In fact, this is all okay. It's really about understanding your drive, your motivation, and what really works for you. Taking the time to get to know someone before you have penetrative sex allows you to really explore pleasure and figure out, like, what do I actually like.

Before I jump into sex? Have some incredible orals, some great makeout, some sensual massages. Because sex does not have to be defined by penetration. In fact, I don't think it should be. I would love to change all that. You can also listen to our previous podcast, Orgasms and Oral no Penetration Required for more tips and information on this. Because I love this concept of waiting. Especially again, you guys, if you're somebody who's like, I have sex with someone and I just fall in love, I get attached. I can't handle it, then like, let's just don't have sex. Don't do it. So those are some common patterns that affect our approach to dating, and you may certainly find yourself held back in different realms. So here's a few more responses that stuck out to me from your Instagram responses about bad dating habits that are holding you back. A lot of you say you overshare personal details in the hopes of getting closer to the person and feeling more accepted. Some of you say you get committed to someone who isn't committed to you. A lot of you say you keep dating dysfunctional people, which kind of goes back to your picker being off. You're worrying too much on the superficial values, which I get too. A lot of us are like, I just want someone who's smart and funny and attractive. Well, okay, good luck with that. Because I'm telling you, who doesn't. Who doesn't want someone who's smart, funny, attractive, and makes a good living and loves their mother or their family? Like, that's not going to get you anywhere. What you need to do, what I always recommend, is get really, really specific. What exactly do you want with a partner? What are their values? What do they believe in? Do they want children? What are their relationships like? Do they have integrity? Are they honest? How are they with money? How are they with kids? You know, like, really get specific and write down an entire profile. And the more specific you get, I mean, superficial stuff is important. It's okay if you know that you need to be with somebody with blonde hair and blue eyes. Like, I 100% want you to find that person. But you're much more likely to find the person when you paint the entire picture of who they are, who their values are, and how they move through the world. You might be someone who's always trying to save someone or fix someone. That's another thing that you all said. And well, I often find that if you're in that category and you're like, I always want the wounded bird. I want to save them. Typically you're someone who is deflecting attention to yourself and you don't really look at your own issues because you're always going to find someone to fix. You're always going to find someone who needs your help. But until you actually look at your own self and fix yourself, you're going to find this being a huge problem in all of your relationships. Someone else said, you're not able to communicate your needs. First step towards communicating your needs is knowing that you are not communicating your needs. Write down your needs. Practice speaking your needs.

Like, what do you actually want and what is the fear on speaking your needs. Speaking our needs is so challenging, but the more you get clear on them, write them down. Tell your best friend. Tell your friend, say, this is what I really want for my boyfriend, my partner, my lover, my girlfriend, my wife, wife, my husband, whoever it is. You practice that. And then when you see them, you say it. Even if it's clunky, even it's like, I really need more date nights and I need more affection and I need you to show up on time because that makes me feel like you are going to abandon me if you don't. Sure, somebody could say, wow, you're really needy. And that's way too much. I can't handle your needs. Well, guess what? They get to leave. They're giving you information that they're never going to be able to be there for you. So I get it. It's hard for me to communicate my needs as well. But the more you practice and get clearer with them, then you're going to be able to just suss out all the people who aren't working. Like, let someone show you that they can't show up for you. It's a beautiful thing when someone's like, nope, like, I can't handle you, I can't do that for you. Or they judge you. Well. Then like, they just did you the biggest favor in the world. Vote that person off the island, keep swiping and keep dating. A lot of you stick around longer than needed and hoping the person will change. People don't change unless they want to change. You have to remember that nobody's gonna change unless they wanna change. So you can't date on potential. I don't want you dating someone thinking that once they get that new job or once they move out of the house, or once they get back on their feet or get over their breakup or whatever it is. There's a million excuses we make for people's behavior that we don't really like. And then we put expectations on them without sharing to them that what we're hoping they're gonna change. And just remember this people don't change. They're not going to change because you want them to change. They're going to change because they want to change. I could keep going here, but I'm not going to, because I'm going to get into your questions first, because a lot of you sent awesome questions. You also left me a voicemail. I love when you're doing this. We're going to start answering a lot more of your voicemails, a lot more of your questions. So thank you all. I'm going to take a quick break. When I come back, I'm going to get into it.

Hi, Emily. So basically, I'm in college and I'm single. And I'm happy being single in the sense of I take good care of myself, I'm good on my own. But do I want a connection? Yeah, I do. So this year has kind of been like my bachelorette year, Meaning I've hung out with quite a few guys. I mean, quite a few for me, but it's always the same thing. We'll meet at, like, a social event. Sometimes I have a little buzz. Sometimes I'm sober. They'll come to my place, I'll go to theirs. We don't sleep together. It's just like, we'll make out, that's it. And then the next morning, typically, I just lose interest. Or the one time that I like the guy, he wasn't interested in me. And this has happened seven times, and it's gotten to the point where my friends don't even ask me about boys anymore because they know the shelf life is so short. So I guess my question is, do I need to change my habits? Because I was watching this movie and they said, if you want things to be different, do things differently. And obviously, I'm not getting the outcome I want. So am I the problem, or is this just what being a young adult is all about? You gotta kiss some frogs, Let me know. Give it to me straight. I can take criticism. Thank you so much. I love your show. Bye.

Thank you so much for your question. I totally feel that I'm picturing you up. You're going out, you're dating these guys one after the next, and you're just not into them. And I get it. Like, this happens. Like, I think that a lot of this is also being in college. You're out, you get buzzed, you meet someone, you wake up. How do you actually know if you're into somebody? If you're out drinking and then you wake up in the morning, you're like, oh, they didn't offer to get me breakfast, so now I'm not into them. Like, what is the criteria that we're measuring this on? I don't think you have enough time and space to actually get to know people with the situation and the time of your life that you're in. So I'm really curious about that space in between there. Like, what is happening? Do they do something? Do you realize something? Do you just get bored? Like, let's just get really specific about that. And again, it could be that there was something already existing that you saw a red flag or something that you're like, I'm not going to look at it now because I just want to have sex. Or maybe you were drinking and you override. Often we override ourselves when we're drinking or doing drugs. So that's just something also to pay attention to. I always hear people in college, they're like, oh, there's no one dates and just hooking up. And so I think when you get out of college, you're going to find that if you slow this process down and you decide, you know what, I'm only going to call out people for lunch dates. I'm gonna facetime them first and screen them. I'm gonna see if I can have a more in depth conversation with the person and get to know them. Is this someone that I actually like? I don't just like, like them when I'm drinking and they're hot at a bar. Now, there's a lot to be said for attraction. We all wanna be with someone that we're attracted to. But I'm talking about a little bit more depth, a little bit of getting to know what this person's all about. So is there a common pattern here? Like what changes for you? Like you meet these guys and and you lose interest. Is there a common theme? Like, oh, every guy I lose interest in all of a sudden picks up his phone in the middle of sex. Or every guy I'm interested in plays a certain sport. I mean, only you know this. Or is it just that time passes and you get bored? Is it that, you know, do you have an expectation in your head? Get really specific and really clear about what's happening. This is fun, you guys. Becoming an expert on our own dating patterns and our own ways of thinking about relationships is what's gonna get us out of it. So write down the patterns again, I think this is useful for everybody to journal. Write down what you look for in a partner so you can be more assured and intentional. When you meet people in the future, I get that you're in these cycles. There's also something to attachment and fear of getting hurt and fear of being abandoned. So you just don't want to open yourself up, which is really common. It has a lot of different names. Commitment, phobic, anxious, attachment, avoidant, all the things. There's a lot of different things to call it, but it's all sort of saying the same thing. And that is, if I open myself up to somebody, there's potential for me being hurt. And that fear is greater than my desire to find a partner. And for many people, that's how we live our lives. We literally go through life just letting people in a little bit. And once we start to feel something for them and get attached, we close the door because we are afraid of someone leaving us. And that could come from earlier cycles of abandonment. In your childhood by your caregivers, parents, divorce, a death, someone leaving, your first boyfriend, something happened to you that was significant and made you feel like you can't trust love and you can't trust your own heart. And for that, my friend, I recommend therapy and consciousness around your dating patterns. But I love that you're 21 years old and asking these really, really important questions because it's people who don't that spend a lifetime tackling some of these same challenges. And right now you're recognizing it and you know you want more, you know, you want depth and you want something a little bit different. I know you're going to find that.

Hi, this is Ray. I'm 25 years old, female, from Los Angeles. My question is, how do you feel about having sex on the first date? Because I feel like I've been doing that lately because I like being sexual, but I don't know, you know, thinking a little more long term eventually, like I'd like to date somebody and eventually be in a serious relationship again. Right now I am just having fun. But do you think, like, I should wait a little bit longer to have sex with these guys or do you think it's fine? Like if, like this is just the phase in my life that I want to be having sex on the first date, like, that's fine, right? Yeah. Let me know what you think. Thank you.

All right, Ray, I want you to know that we get a lot of questions like this. There's a lot of people who have the same exact situation as you. You know, maybe they think like, if I tell the guy that, you know, I want to build a deeper connection, it makes, makes me you know, feel like I want more than he does, and then I feel like I'm being needy. So just listen. There are no rules. It's up to you. You just have to know yourself and what you want. And I think that if you can wait, why don't you just try waiting? Anticipation can be really sexy if you're able to build it. So if you're into connecting and building a longer term relationship, it just, it's so hot to like have something to look forward to. Especially if you have anxious attachment. Because the dynamic, you know, between you and other person can definitely change after you have sex. So if you have more of an anxious attachment, you're gonna feel like, why aren't they getting back to me? What does this mean? And it will like kind of rob you of the actual connection and able to really interpret it in a way that might be healthy. So being really careful and being really intentional about how you date and how you connect with people, maybe your intention for dating then is, I just want to meet someone that I have a connection with and that I feel attracted to and I'd like to go out with that person three times before it gets physical. And maybe that becomes your new philosophy of dating and try that out for a few months. Because then you can say like, I'm trying to cultivate a longer term relationship and in knowing myself when I have sex too soon, or I'm not kind of confused about the rules with sex, I'm just going to try waiting. And this serves a great function because you'll get to see, am I actually attracted to this person? Which is great. But then you'll get to see, is this someone that I actually want to have a longer term relationship with? Are they a good person? What are their values? And then you get to think about too, what are your goals and intentions in dating? You told me that yours is to find a long term relationship, which is great. Some of our goals might be like, I actually want to learn to have sex with a lot of people. I actually want to experience pleasure in my body and I want to learn to ask for what I want. I want to learn to enjoy casual sex. I want more pleasure in my life and I don't care if it's a long term partner, but I just want someone that I feel safe with, but it's not a committed relationship. So we all get to decide what kind of relationship we're looking for. You said that you really like being sexual, but you don't know. So I think, sounds like you've Played with the being sexual. And now you want to play with being less sexual and more intentional about finding a good person. So maybe that's your goal for the next few times you date. My best advice for all of you is just to be present. Be intentional. Be honest about who you are and how you feel in the moment. But when we learn to, like, listen to our bodies, we watch our alcohol intake and our drug intake and a date with somebody, and we learn to really be present. Like, what am I feeling right now? Am I actually attracted to this person? Or am I feeling pressure? Or have I had too many drinks? That doesn't really matter. And I lose my inhibitions. Like, what is actually going on? Because our bodies has some great intuitive wisdom that's going to let us know, is, is this person a hell yes or a hell no? And you'll know what bucket to put them in if you are present, conscious, and intentional. All right. Thank you so much for your question, Ray. I appreciate you. It's good to hear your voice.

Hi, Emily. This is Jay. I live in Los Angeles, California. I'm 71, and I've had lifelong, what Stephen Carter calls commitment phobia. Never been able to really get close to anybody. So I don't know that that's a subject you've talked before. Maybe you have. That's my question. I'm looking maybe for a therapist or how to deal with this. Wondering if you have any suggestions or maybe just to live with it and work around it instead of try to break through it. All righty, thanks. Bye.

Jay, thank you so much for your question. I love that you are recognizing this issue and want to make a change right now in your life. I think we at never too late to want to work on ourselves and make different choices. So I'm wondering if this is something that you've seen throughout your lifetime. Like, do you feel like it's been harder to commit to jobs or to commit to homes or even just friendships? Or is it just in the areas of romantic love? Do you remember the first time you felt like you couldn't commit? Did you come from a childhood where there wasn't a lot of commitment? Were you disappointed? Disappointed? Did your parents separate? Was there abandonment? Was there things going on? Because it's not that anything's wrong with you. It's that we all have conditioning that gets set up from a really young age. And it sounds like that has carried with you through your lifetime. And I don't think it's something you just have to accept and move on. Not even at 71. I highly recommend therapy, some really great therapy that could help you kind of release this fear because I actually do think it's a fear of commitment. And the flip side of that is a fear of being abandoned and having your heart broken and someone leaving you and not loving you the way you want to be loved. And it sounds like now you've had enough of it. You're like, I'm 71 and I actually want to commit and I want to move through all the blocks and all the pain and all the circumstances in my life that have kept me from committed love. And so I am your biggest fan right now. I want you to find that therapist. I want you to find that person that you can really work with and trust to help you move through this. So I would love to follow you on this journey, Jay. Keep me posted. It's great to find a therapist you can work with. Maybe there's some trauma therapy, some emdr. The reason why I like EMDR therapy is because it allows you to. We call it trauma therapy, but I think trauma is such a loaded word.

But sometimes it's just patterns. It's like a pattern recognition therapy. It's going to help you like break that which is holding you back. So I'm all for you finding love, Jay. And I can't wait for it to happen. So keep me posted. I will be here for you. This is from Matthew 23. Hey Dr. Emily. I'm a 23 year old guy and I had a question regarding confidence, flirting and charisma. For some context, I struggle with depression and although I'm one working on it with a therapist and a psychiatrist, I still seem to have trouble with self esteem and it becomes worse around attractive women. I keep up with my fitness, I enjoy writing poetry and I consider myself an emotionally and mentally intelligent person. But despite all that, I haven't had a date in two years and haven't had sex in three. Although I admit I haven't tried very hard to find a date. How do I build up the confidence to approach more women, to build flirting skills, to ultimately become more charismatic? Oh, Matthew, you sound really mentally intelligent and emotionally intelligent. So I Love this. At 23 you are working on yourself. You know yourself. You are so on your way to becoming the person you want to be. I promise I feel this. So remember, it takes practice, it takes time, it takes effort and I don't want you to feel discouraged that you haven't had a date recently. You said you haven't been trying and there's been a lot going on in the world where a lot of us have not been out there dating. You know, confidence is something that sort of ebbs and flows, sometimes day to day, sometimes month to month. And so, you know, you haven't been dating recently. So confidence around dating would definitely be lower. I mean, that's why a lot of us are having social anxiety lately that we never had before because we just weren't interacting with as many people. Few specific tips for you might be to one. Just try dating apps. It could be a great way for you to just practice flirting online without the pressure of talking to someone in person. People love Hinge or Bumble as dating apps right now, or even Tinder. And you can just start practicing getting your dating personality back or delivering your dating personality, asking questions, getting to know yourself. And then if you find you like someone, meet them for a drink, meet them for, you know, lunch, have a facetime date, and get to see if you really connect with someone. Another recommendation I have for you is just saying yes to all the events that you get asked to go to. Parties, events, meetups for areas that you're interested in. You know, doing things that are outside your comfort zone. Tell all your friends that you're single, that you're looking to date someone and be fixed up with. Because this is a practice. What you're asking for is confidence in meeting people. And I'm telling you it's a muscle. If we don't use it, we lose it. And we've never used it, we don't have it. So when you're out there and you're meeting people and you're saying yes to events and you're going out on dates, just it's. Remember, it is a practice. It is like learning to flirt and communicate and just talking to someone and even talking to anyone. Also, I recommend practicing talking to people that you're not attracted to. Just somebody that's waiting next to you in line at the coffee shop, somebody who's on the bus next to you. Somebody at a party. Before someone gets there, just say hi. So who do you know at this party? What brought you here? How was your day? How about the weather? It doesn't matter. But those are the things that help build you more confidence. Because when we actually start having healthy conversations with others, whether attracted to them or not, that builds our confidence. So what I'm hearing here is just some practice. Because, listen, you're also a writer. You write poetry. I'll bet you'll be an excellent texter. Conversationalist and remember, asking questions to somebody is also a big part of just connecting. So asking questions, repeating back to them what you heard, you know, oh, you're from Michigan. Really from Michigan. Tell me more about that. I've never been there. What's it like? You know, just being interested. It's not so much about being interesting, I think. We don't think we have to be so interesting and have all these things to say, but oftentimes we sort of be a good listener. Also, before you go on dates, it's really important to have like a pre date ritual, especially if you get those first date jitters and concerns. So when you start going on dates again, have a list of affirmations, have a list of like, who you are and how you want to show up and all the wonderful things about yourself. I'm deserving of love, I'm deserving of connection. You know, I have a great job, I know myself, I take care of myself. The more we can fill our brains with positive thoughts, it will counteract the negative ones, the limiting beliefs. It's like a diet. Like, it's like what you put in your body, like you are what you eat. Well, if you're only chewing on negative limiting beliefs, that's who you're going to become. But if you start filling your brain with positive things and beliefs and a knowing that you're going to find that person, that you are a person that's deserving of this, then that's what you're going to attract and that's what you're going to find. So for a lot of you who've emailed and called with questions and this relates to you too, Matthew, it's really just a matter of getting out of our own way and just saying, like, I'm going to try it, it's going to be uncomfortable. I might get rejected, you might feel hurt, you might feel like you're not enough. But the more we just keep moving forward with forward action and intention and dating and getting out there and meeting people and moving through the world and being social, you're going to get a lot more comfortable in your own skin and talk to people and finding that person that you want to be with. So to answer your question, building the confidence to approach more women and build flirting skills, it's going to be by practicing being you, your authentic self, and showing up wherever you can as that person. All right, Matthew, thank you so much for your question. I appreciate you.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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