Calming The Chaos w/ Tal Rabinowitz

We literally do not breathe.

None of us do. Like even right now, we're breathing so shallowly that it's just not true breath. So when you can actually take a moment to say, let me really deeply breathe, it shifts everything.

You're listening to Sex with Emily I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual.

Coping with life's chaos can seem like a uphill battle sometimes. We keep trying and trying to get a hold of things, but there's just always new challenges on the horizon. Well, today I'm talking with Tal Rabinowitz, who's helping people around the world now try to find calm in all the commotion with the DEN meditation. She gives tips for beginners who've never even tried calming their minds. Then she tells us how meditation has changed her relations by giving her an eagle eye view of it. And I've known Tal for a long time and I've seen this transformation since she really got into her practice at DEN meditation. There's a lot of talk lately about meditation, how important it is, and what I love about Tal and her work is that she just makes it accessible. We also take a call about jealousy and how that's impacting someone's relationship. And then Tal helps me uncover how to stop judging everything we do as really bad or really good and simply just let things be what they they are. We can all use some of that right now, right?

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It just helps get the podcast out to more people like you. You can find us on all social media. It is Ex with Emily. And don't forget to check out my new articles, Penis Enlargement. What Works, what doesn't and what's actually Safe and How to Master Seated sex on our Website sex with emily.com I want to let you know that the paperback of my book Smart Sex is now out in bookstores in the US and if you live in the UK, my book was just released January 30th. More places coming soon. But check out Smart Sex. If you're a paperback person, check out the paperback. You're gonna love it. It's been an incredible journey with book and now the paperback is so exciting. Also wanted to mention my membership community Smart S X that we launched in September. And it's just been an incredible community of people coming together to share, to grow each other, to have accountability in our desires, to have better sex. I bring in some of the leading experts in the world to teach, you know, a few times a month. It's just a wonderful community. We're exploring and learning so much about ourselves. And you can learn about your sexual health and just join us there. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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Hi Tal, how you doing? Good to see you. I was just talking about you.

I hope you were saying nice things.

Always, always saying nice things. So how has it been going over there with you and den meditation? What are you finding that the students are doing online now with denim?

Look, I think what's helpful about it is you find a community and not that you have to use it that way. Like some people are like, I don't want a community. I just want to do my own thing. With us, you don't see anyone, which I love during our classes. So you can literally be in your pajamas or naked for all we care. You can have like a dog barking in the background. You can have your kids screaming. So you really can incorporate it into your life however you want. That doesn't affect anybody else taking the class or the teacher. So that I love because I do Think there's. Everyone has a different form of chaos, and we have to be okay with that. And we all have to be okay with our own version of chaos. I mean, I have a child, I have dogs, so it's like you have to just kind of learn to, like, roll. I was doing my own meditation, my own class today, and I hear like my daughter screaming downstairs. Alec is on the phone. And I'm like, you just kind of get used to it. But there's. What I love about it is we have classes pretty much all day. So I think more than most online places, there's just live classes, choose from all. And if you can't make it or you don't, there's also an archive. So there's always something for you at all times. And we have workshops, we have certifications, and again, we always have the option, do you want to do it virtually live? Like you actually want to see the teacher while they're doing it and have some sort of interaction? Or are you that person who just wants to do things on your own time, completely not worry about that? That's there for you too. So whatever you want to dig deeper. And again.

It is a huge time where people need to take care of their mental health. I mean, there's no way around that. Even if you still have your job and you're still making. Even in the best case scenario, you have to figure out how to live life differently. Because the world is changing, period.

It is changing.

And so if you be okay with change, then you're just not going to be happy. No matter if you have money or not money, a house or no house. Like, you've got to be able to figure out a way to be okay with change. And I do think meditation with that.

You said something interesting about we all have our own chaos. And that's something that I've been working on for myself too. Because I realize kind of what I said earlier, wherever you make the space, you will fill it. And so even if I go back and look at chaos from the past, whether it was my home, I didn't have that together, or business stuff, there's always this thing that we create, you know what I'm saying? Like, even if you solve one problem, there's going to be a next. So when you said everyone has their own chaos, can you talk about that? What you were referring to, the own.

Chaos, What I meant by that is we all have lives. And look, there are people at home that they're like, oh my God, get me out of my House. I've got two screaming kids. I'm trying to work. My husband's trying to work, or my partner's trying to work. How are we doing all this? I have a dog barking. We thought a puppy was a great idea. Now it's peeing everywhere. Like, that's chaos. That's hard. It's a lot. So, like, everyone has lives, or you're stressed out over there because you need to make money. And so then everything that's not going right throws you over the top more because the pressure is bigger. That's chaos. And it's all fair. And it is all fair, and we're all in it. But everyone's version is completely different right now. But there's no one who's not in a version of it. And so I think it's kind of the time now to figure out, well, what is my chaos? Why is it? And how can I work with it instead of letting the chaos dictate you? How can I start putting my stamp? I've noticed that with a lot of our students, like, really the difference who've been taking classes from the beginning, you know, especially ones with kids who are like, I just feel like this is all about my kids trying to make it okay with. For my kids, and they're finally figuring out how to get themselves involved with their lives again. And that's huge.

Tell me more about that, because I was gonna ask you when we met about four years ago now. I think you had a crazy life. You were an entertainment exec. You were doing all. You were living the life and the dream job and all the things, but you just, you know, you needed to find a place to meditate, right? And then you. The den meditation, so people could drop into the actual centers. Now they can drop into den anywhere.com online. Tell me about some of the changes you've seen in a way that people might hear differently or understand it. Yeah, I think we haven't talked about it in a while.

Yeah, we really lucked out in the sense that when I was opening it, people thought it was crazy. I mean, crazy. Everyone was like, what? And then I forget, what article? There was a huge article that came out about meditation maybe, like, the month we were opening. Something that, like, I couldn't have planned it better. That really brought it to the forefront that people were like, you know, mainstream people who would never give meditation a second thought. It's not like meditation didn't exist. It's been around forever. It's just, how can you bring it so that everyone like you and me knows, hey, I can meditate too. And I don't, you know, big thing about the den, which was and still is, even though I'm super woo woo, as you know, it's really for it. The whole point is it's for everyone. So you don't have to feel like you have to walk into this temple. But by the way, I love that. But you don't have to feel like you have to walk in this temple and follow a certain set of rules or you're not joining a cult or if I eat this or I drink that, I'm really not supposed to do that. I feel like there used to be that sense around meditation that it was very hippie, dippy or certain type of religion. And my whole thing was like, okay, how can I create something that makes it totally accessible for everyone? Because that's ridiculous. It really is for everyone. And now that I don't have to fight so hard to prove, I feel like that's just out there now. So that's the biggest difference. If anything, I think I've had more freedom to get more into my woo woo side. And that's what I love about den is we have enough classes that there's something for everyone. You want to get a little bit more hippie, dippy, spiritual. Those teachers are there. You want to get just strictly mindfulness, more science based. Those teachers are there too. So whatever makes you more comfortable. Because again, it's all about you. It's not about what's right or wrong. So I'd say that's been the best part, I think, seeing people feel the difference. Because most people have tried it, but not most people, but a lot of people have tried it now and have brought it into their lives for enough time that when they dip out of it, they do feel the difference. So they understand that this is like an exercise. It is like going for a jog or a walk, even just a walk. Like, even if you're not into just like doing the reps. It's just anything to keep yourself sane. I think people realize that meditation is part of that as well, which I think is huge.

Is there a practice of meditation that you think is a great starter or that's even hard to prescribe because everyone.

Finds their own jam prescribe, because I think the moment someone can decide, however, and I say this, I think I've said this here before, if you can, at least my brother who's in the military, we had a huge conversation about this because he was so stress out and I could see that he just wasn't in a great place. And I was like, you just gotta breathe. Like, you just have to breathe. Just in the morning, before you, like, get out of bed and before you, like, fall asleep, just breathe and, like, even count, if that's what helps. And just. I like to picture it, like, from the base, like where I'm sitting. Wherever you're sitting, like, wherever your tush is, like, hitting, you can tell I have a child. Cause I call it tush. But, like, wherever your butt's, like, hitting, I like to picture starting there. I like to give it kind of a light. That's me. Some people like to count. And I like to picture as if there's, like, a ball of light you're sitting on. And then I breathe slowly, and I picture as if I'm pulling that light up slowly until it gets either to my heart center. That might be as far as you can get your chest level. Or you could bring it all the way up to the top of your head, depending on how deep and slow you can breathe. And then when you exhale, I like to picture it going back down. So whether it's again from the top of your head or your chest, picturing going back down to where you're sitting. And if you can just. I like a visual with it. I think it gives your mind something.

I love that visual. I just feel like I saw it. I just feel like I saw the light coming up.

And everyone's different. You might see it, you might feel it. And if you don't have any of those, just intend it. Just tell yourself, this is what I'm doing. And that's the same thing. There's no right or wrong. There's no, I'm messing this up. I can't do it. You can do it. It's just breathing. It's just slowing your breath down as much as possible. That's why counting is good. Because if you can add an extra number on and realize you're slowing it down, honestly, five minutes of that will change your life. If you can only start with two, start with two. And then if you're really in a stressed out, really, really hard place. I know this is a whole thing everyone talks about, gratitude, practice, which I hate because it sounds so schmaltzy. And I didn't realize I naturally did it all the time. Like, before I fall asleep, I almost always am like, thank you so much for blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And almost in the morning, if I ever have time, if it's not being Woken up by my daughter screaming, which is usual. I'm used same thing. I kind of wake up and it's the same thing. I'm just very thankful. And again, it's such a schmaltzy thing where people are like, have a gratitude practice. But if you can naturally get into that, that will also start shifting it. Because it's so easy when we're stressed out in a bad place. I mean, you know what I mean, you guys talk about relationships all the time. Like when you are fighting with your partner and all you do is concentrate on the fighting. It's so hard to get into a good place. It just is because you're sitting in that position of shit. You know, we can curse, right?

Right? Yes, totally curse.

So it's the same thing in life. It's like when you're even not the relationship. Same thing when you're in a bad, stressed out place. If that's all we like sit there and mull over. As hard as it's not to mull over. If you can even take breaks and train yourself to take breaks, everything starts to feel a little lighter.

Just seems so silly.

You're right.

Breath. But we literally do not breathe so many times. We hold our breath.

We never, none of us do. Even right now we're breathing so shallowly that it's just not true breath. So when you can actually take a moment to say, let me really deeply breathe, it shifts everything. It's just a healthy. But it reshifts the everything. The more you can do that. It really does start with that. It just does. And I mean, look, it's all energy. So when you're anxious, when you're angry, when you're frustrated, when it's just. You feel it, you can actually feel it in your body. That like weird feeling you have in your stomach, that's just energy. So the breath helps you start to regulate that and starts to actually kind of, you know, shift it. So it's energy that's working for you versus against you. I mean, look, you'll love this. It was, there was a day, I think it was last Sunday, and I was so anxious and I'm never, I don't get anxious very often. And I said to Alec, maybe Monday, I was like, God, yesterday was a day I was so anxious. And he was like, really? You didn't see me? I go, well, lucky you, that, that's me at my worst. He goes, but wasn't that the day you kept like really just kept asking for sex? I'm like, yeah, but my point, it was this excess of energy, and I could feel it. And I'm like, how else can I channel this? Like, I went for a walk, I did this, and I was like, I need to have sex. Like, I really was like, let's use this for the good. Like, let's use this for the good. And so he laughed. I'm like, well, it worked to your benefit.

Well, that's super healthy.

Ye.

How do you think that doing all the work? Because now that you've been in it, you really are doing. You're not just have a meditation place. Like, you're in the practice of it. How has it impacted your relationship in your sex life through this? The work you've been doing with breath and meditation and Kundalini and all the.

Things, oh, my God, my relationship is so much better. Like, I can't even. It's like. And so much of it is because, again, with meditation, you learn. I think one of the biggest. The big benefits, once you really get into it, is you start to be able to see things from a more neutral perspective. So again, what I was kind of talking about earlier, instead of assigning value to things where everything is, like, bad or good or wrong or right, you start and think about that, go through your day to even today, and look back at how often you assign something bad, good, wrong, or right, whether it be a person, a moment, a feeling. We do it all the time. And so when we start getting to a place, I think with meditation, you kind of retrain yourself that everything becomes more neutral. You become an observer of your emotions. But also, like in arguments, you become more neutral. When you see things that's happening, like in our country right now, you can become more neutral. There's just a way to start. I always call it the eagle eye perspective. Like, you can kind of fly up and then you see what everyone is trying to convey or everyone's feeling. And so in your relationship, it's the same thing. Like, all of a sudden I could have a more neutral perspective. And then it started making me go, oh, what am I bringing to the table here? Yes, he might have done X, Y and Z, which drives me fucking crazy. However, how did I show up to that? How did I react to that? What did I. How's he feeling? Where does that come from? Like, it shifted everything. So then my concern became more about me. And not like, I didn't love him or care about him, but my concern about who needs to change or who needs to get fixed, quote, unquote, was me. That was my concern. How can I work on me versus how can I work on him? And once that started happening, holy shit. It's like you don't realize that I started giving space to him to do his own work without him even realizing. It wasn't like something we sat down and talked about. It's just. Just this natural thing that happens. And then all of a sudden, he starts stepping up and evolving. And then we started meeting each other and it really changed our entire relationship.

Wow.

I mean, tell I see that because, I mean, I remember going to dinner with you like, four years ago, and it was like things were driving you crazy. Things were going on with. With Alec and now. I mean that it's sort of this homeostasis that I always talk about, like, with my therapist too. It's like if you change, everyone changes around you. So you are changing you. You took your attention towards yourself and you were actually able to see that it wasn't he doing all these things to you. You were like, well, what was my part in this? What was my reaction? And as a result of doing that, you weren't feeling the space the same. So that he had to change. I mean, that's just. That's so beautiful.

Like, I realized, you know, a friend of mine was going through some stuff and she was talking to me, you know, everything. He did this, he did this, he did this. And like, it was all fair stuff. And I was saying, you just have to have a conversation. Oh, this was based on your post. I'm like, you have to have an honest conversation, and you have to say, like, I'm not happy until you say that all these little nitpicky things are only to make it worse. You have to have the bigger conversation of, I'm not happy. But it kept being like, man, I said, but be prepared. When you have that conversation, it usually gets worse before it gets better because he's about to tell you a bunch of shit about you that you don't want to hear too. And you know what? It's all going to be fair and there's going to be truth in all of it, and you have to be ready to hear it. And I do think that is a key of realizing there's no way when things aren't great in a relationship, no matter what it is. And I mean it. Cheating, the worst stuff that can happen, it doesn't mean that person's an angel, but there's no way that you don't have something to do with that as well.

All right, that's Exactly. It tal. I'm always saying to listeners too, there is a partner. And I say, even if your partner cheated on you, okay, I know that's horrific, but we all have a part in it. That's not why they cheated on you, because of your behavior. But if you are in a relationship with someone, it's 50, 50, you have a part in it. You are bringing energy to the table, you are reacting, you are bringing stuff. And so it can be really hard to get to the point where you said this eagle eye view of what's my part, their part, our part. And that's the work.

Because to do that, you have to be willing to get that pit in your stomach going, oh shit, I did that. I made someone feel that way. Because usually when you're in that you're on a high horse, whether you. You might not feel like it cause you might feel like shit, cause your relationship's not in a great place, but you're usually in a high horse because somehow you're great and they're fucking up all the time. That's usually kind of the positioning. And both sides feel that. So it's hard to start doing that. Like, oh, like I'm not always. There's stuff that I am bringing to the table that makes that person feel like shit too. Even if in my mind it's super justified, it's not making them feel great.

So in this process with you, because I know exactly, I feel like there's two camps or maybe there's five camps of us who we think it's our fault and then we blame ourselves and then we think that we're not good enough, or we're always blaming others and we never see we have a part on it. And maybe you're blaming the world or it's out of their control, but at the end of the day, perhaps the solution to that or the process towards seeing that is this slowing down and just sort of looking at it in a different perspective.

Well, that eagle eye right there, like even if you are the person who blames yourself and then makes guilty, that sets a dynamic in the relationship that creates whatever dynamic you're in. So even in that sense, it's an easy place to put a value on that, right? It's easy to put a value that says, well, like I'm fucking up, I'm screwing up. So therefore. But it's not. Again, it's just, just dynamics. And the minute you can realize what part your dynamic is playing in it, well, that's when things can start shifting because until you recognize it, you can't change it. Like I was talking about emotions in class the other day and I was saying, like, we really have to start owning our own emotions. Like you gotta just step up and own this shit. Like, yes, they all started somewhere. So you had a trauma that may happen. It's not that that didn't happen. It's not that someone didn't fuck you up big time. It's not that your parents didn't suck or you were taking on your parents. I'm not saying that that's not the reason it started, but that's like it's the beginning point. That's it. It's just where it grew. It's just it's birthing point. But from that point it has like you just said, a million different camps. It has a million different directions it can go. And that's your choice what direction you want it to go. And that's when it's on you, not on anyone else. Someone else might have created it in your life, but now it's yours and what are you going to do with it? And so it's the same thing in that relationship. It's once you realize that you have this, you can take control. So same thing with those emotions. I say you can't let go of that behavior pattern that's been controlling you for so long. Whether you realize it or not, that thing your mom told you to do a million times, so now you just naturally do it. Whatever it is, you can't kick it out of your system until you acknowledge it exists. So same thing, like if someone's at a party, you can't kick them out of the party until you actually acknowledge they're in the party in the first place. So you have to acknowledge that this stuff exists. You have to acknowledge your part in things. You have to see that whatever your behavior pattern is, it's part of whatever the relationship is. And then once you can actually be honest with that, well, that's when you can start slowly, you know, peeling the layers because then you tangibly know what you're peeling.

Yeah, exactly. So can you put some examples to it? It doesn't even have to be your. If you don't want anything from your real life, but an example way so people can get a conflict. Maybe that was present four years ago, that isn't now because of the way of seeing this view of everyone's so many. I know, sure.

Our relationship's totally different. It's crazy. Like even he's such a much better Partner, like, help does the. I mean, things that just never would have happened before. And what I realized, too. Well, here's like, a present day thing, because he's. We've really evolved, and I feel like he actually helps me in ways when. Before, I felt very solo in doing everything, which I know is a very common complaint, I'm sure for a lot of people especially.

Yeah, let me just set that up. It is very common that a lot of people call in. They're like. They're doing everything. They're raising the kids, They're. They're cleaning up, they're making the dinners. They're just. They take care of everything and feel like. And kind of have resentments maybe that their partner isn't stepping away. Yeah, okay.

And I know that when I. I think for me, I just started saying, well, this is who he is. Stop trying to make him something different. If you. By the way, no one's saying you have to do it either. To me, like, let's. Let's do a basic example of, like, dishes.

Yeah, dishes.

Perfect, right? So it's like, instead of sitting there getting angry at him for not doing the dishes, I was like, well, no one said I had to do the dishes. I'll do it when I want to do the dishes. Like, stop putting this all on him. Let him be him and worry about you and worry about your, like, reaction. Like, you knew who he was when you got together with him. You also are the doer in this relationship. I'm way more of the proactive one, so stop making this an issue. Right. And weirdly, like, now I joke, he's up there, he does a dish. He, like, yells at me to move away. He's like, you cooked, you leave. Like, it's such a different dynamic. And now, because of that, because I feel like we've evolved, it gets easier and easier. So if I see him sometimes in my mind, doing less or quote, unquote, being lazy, and I hate that. That's my. See, that's my shit. The fact that I use the word lazy, that's my shit. That's what I'm bringing to the table. Because I have all these preconceived notions of what lazy is because of how I was raised. And it's not fair. But I wouldn't have known that, like, years ago, I'd been like, he's lazy, and me, me, me. But now I'm like, like, are you. Is there a jealousy? Do you wish you could be doing that? Do you wish you could be taking more Time for yourself. Do you. You know what? You can. No one's telling you you can't. He has never told you that you have to do X, Y, and Z. And you can't, let's say, and sit there and watch TV all day. I'm sure if I looked at him, was like, I want to watch TV all day today. He'd be like, great. Do it. But, like, I put all of these preconceived notions on it. I put this idea that lazy is bad and it equals this, this, and that, versus, like, I could probably learn to relax a little bit more. So again, when I started turning, like, well, what can I learn about this, about me again? Now if he's sitting there doing nothing, I'm like, oh, but he does so many other things. It doesn't even really bother me the same. Or if I catch myself having that inkling of a moment right away, I'm like, let it go. This is you. Like, I know it's me, and I know it's my own crap on what being lazy is versus not being lazy. And again, the fact that I'm even using that word just says it. I'm sure there's a lot of like, yeah, well.

Cause I'm always going, going, going. And it's like, people are doing it. Yeah. It's not natural, but that's so interesting. It's also that noticing, too, right? That. That you're catching yourself now that it's happened so much. You're noticing before you lash out for sure.

And again, it changed my whole perspective on. This isn't about what he does. It's about what I think about what he's doing. And now why am I even thinking that way in the first place? Holy shit. Let me open up that can of worms. And then I realize there's a can of worms behind it, and it's my can of worms, not his.

Is it more through this, the meditation, and all the work you've been doing, you were able to peel back the layers on your own, or were you journaling about it?

Therapy journaling's amazing. I'm not a huge journaler. That's my own shit, too, I probably have to go through. But journaling is amazing. So, yes, I think if you can write this stuff down, it uncovers more. I find when I get stuck, my mind works very fast. So I do a lot of this in my head, which is not the best. But part of the reason I can do it is because I do have a practice, and I think it allows Me to be able to kind of go through my stuff that way. So I find when I can get stuck because I can kind of peel the layers, I'm like, oh, this is my own stuff. What does that mean? Then I'll journal, and I can usually kind of go, aha. Like, there's a huge aha moment. But, yeah, it's my own can of worms. It really goes back to, like, my mom, who's incredible and an amazing woman who, you know, was a doctor when women weren't doctors. Like, you know, she was an Israeli drill sergeant. I mean, she's a tough, strong woman and an amazing example, but it's not always what I need. My personal thing. I was never taught what rest means or how good rest would be. Instead, it was about, you are not successful if you are not moving. You are not worthy if you are not doing something. We notice you when you are kicking ass. It's like, that was ramming. That was in my head. Like, I see you. I notice you. I love you when you're working your ass off and doing really well. But that's my own stuff. And so when I can start unwrapping that, I realize, like, do I really have to be doing all that for someone to love me? You know, do I have to be doing that for someone, for me to think I'm okay? It's like, you know, it goes deeper and deeper. I could bore your audience.

Yeah, no, I get it, because I totally understand the layers, and I just have known you, so I just think it's. It's so. I don't know. It's incredible to see your friends go through this stuff and to change so much and to actually, like, practice what you're preaching and doing the work. I always say people do the work. It doesn't just have to be therapy. It could be meditation.

All right, we're gonna take a quick break.

When we come back, Tal and I give advice about what to do if you get jealous when your partner spends time away.

Let's talk to Nicolette, 24, in the Bay Area. Hi, Nicolette. What's going on?

Hi, Emily. How are you?

Hi.

Good. Nicolette, what's up?

How can we help?

So my husband and I have been together for. Well, we've been married for five months, but we've been together for about. About two and a half years now. And I have a problem. I think maybe it's just insecurity, but I think sometimes, you know, I want to make our time together special, as special as it can be. Because we don't get a lot of time together since we both work full time and we're gone away from each other. So we don't have a lot of time together. And my husband's great. He's always there for me, but sometimes I just question whether I'm good enough. And I think it just stems from an insecurity within myself. And when he goes with his friends, I get jealous. And sometimes I think, oh, well, the only way to fix this is maybe to. I will think I may need to find another guy or something like that to make myself feel better about myself if he's not giving me all of the attention that I want when he is. Is away from me. And I was wondering how to, I guess, just be more confident with myself and know that, you know, he is faithful to me because I know he is, right? I know that he would never, ever cheat on me or because I know he loves me. And he's always, you know, giving me compliments and being kind to me. And I think it's just a problem within myself, and I need to figure that out.

Yeah. Oh, Nicolette, thank you so much for calling. I totally get that internal gnawing, like, what is wrong? Or, you know, is it him? Is it. Is it my, you know, confidence and what's going on in our relationship? And I'm curious, Nicolette, when did this start?

I think that it started I went on my bachelorette party, and we went to Vegas, and there were a lot of guys that were around, and I just realized that they were giving me a lot of attention, and I wasn't used to that because I come from very sheltered kind of upbringing, and I haven't really been around that a lot, and I've never really gone to parties. I went to a military academy.

Okay.

And I don't know. I think I just started feeling that way when that happened. And now every time he leaves to go with his friends, I'm always imagining maybe other girls are around him and doing the same thing that kind of happened to me in Vegas. And it makes me feel really nerved up.

Okay. Because you had the evidence of that. You're like, if all these guys are around me, what happens when he goes out or is his friends circling around somebody? So, Nicolette, this all makes sense to me. Are you. Is there any. Have you ever talked to him about this? Have you ever shared with him about some of these feelings that you've been having and kind of of deepening your connection around what you might need from a relationship? And what he needs.

I've kind of brought it up to him a little bit like that. I get nervous, like, when girls are around him, I guess, and he just kind of says, nicolette, you're being stupid. That would never happen. I love you, and you should just trust that. And you've never given me a reason to even be jealous. So I don't know why I get the. These feelings, right?

This, like, internal feeling. Yeah. I mean, I'm just thinking there's some other work to do that's not about him. You know, it's not about your husband. It's about. Maybe there's a yearning, there's some. Some work to do. What do you think, Tal?

Yeah.

Is he your first serious relationship, or have you had any others?

He. He's my first serious relationship. Yeah.

And have you talked to him about. When you said. Cause you said it was interesting. I got all this attention, and I didn't even know what that was like. So clearly you weren't getting this type of attention from him. Have you been able to put that into words of what you might be looking for from him that might make you feel a little bit like it sounds like you might be needing something, and you're discovering that about yourself, and you don't know how to put that into words? Maybe with him.

Yeah. And then another thing, too, is that sometimes I feel like I don't sexually satisfy him, and he sexually satisfies me because sometimes he doesn't always finish. And I think it's. And he says that it's because I. Sorry, if this is going too deep, but he says that it's because I get too wet. And so then, you know, it's not as good for him, which doesn't make sense to me.

Okay.

You know, a lot of guys don't necessarily finish during intercourse, but it would be up to two of you. I mean, I love that you've had this conversation, but now I think. And I would love you to have this conversation with him outside the bedroom. Not right after sex, not even right before sex in the bedroom. But just say, you know, I want to talk about our sex. Sex life. And I love that. I'm so satisfied, and that feels really great. But I want to know what you might need to finish in the bedroom, because maybe we don't know, maybe he never really finishes. Maybe he only finishes there every once in a while. Maybe he needs a hand, or maybe you're wet, but then you just kind of have a towel by the bed and you wipe, and then You. You go back in. So that shouldn't be. I don't love that. He says to you it's because you're too wet. That doesn't make me feel. And I'm sure it probably doesn't make you feel so great that there's something that you're doing that's not allowing him to finish. And I'm not sure all the accuracy in that either. He's telling you what he feels he knows. But I think there's something else here to talk to him about.

And this has just kind of been happening recently where he's been saying that and he hasn't been finishing, and then he will just kind of like give himself like a hand job and then. But I don't want that. Like, I want him to be able to, like, feel pleasure from me, not from just himself. Does that make sense?

Yeah, no, that does make sense.

And that's what scares me to now. Like when he goes out with his friends, or maybe he thinks, like, oh, I'll be more satisfied with another girl, and that terrified me.

Yeah, no, that's all terrified. I mean, I totally understand this now. You've painted a really good picture. Do you feel like you've gotten more wet and then it's. It's the friction isn't there?

I do, yeah. And I don't know why. And I just. Maybe I get really turned on. But it's only been the last, like half a year that this has been happening where I get extremely wet.

Yeah, it happens with our hormones and different parts of our. Are you on any medications or anything?

No, I'm not.

Okay. You got no post control pill. Okay. I mean, honestly, it's hormones, it's women. We all. Different parts of our life, different parts of the month, we get wet. We're not wet at all. So this too shall. Shall pass. But what you do is you get wet and then you have to keep a towel by the bed, and then maybe you could wipe a little bit. You could use your hands and finish them off. So I just think this is something that you could finish him, but it's a matter of talking about it outside the bedroom. Going back to what Tal was saying, he might not know what he needs from you or that it's okay or that you could help him finish. So it just sounds like there's more to unpack here. I understand why this is sort of sparking some insecurity, but I think it's something that we could talk to him about and figure out the next steps here. It's communication.

And I think I just need to be more confident that he is faithful and he's a good husband and. And not worry about those kinds of things because then it makes it. I don't know, I just.

No, it is. Well, this is. We're telling you a lot of. Yes, I think that is true. But to say just be more confident and just get it together is not an easy thing to do. It doesn't work like that. But also I think a conversation with him about your sex life, you know, you're married. I would start now and just say, I know this is uncomfortable. I realize we've never talked about our sex life like this, but I wanna make sure that we are the best lovers to each other. So let's talk about it. Like, what can we do when I'm wet? What do you need from me? And then I. If you start having healthy conversations again, it's not always the easiest thing. It takes time because it's awkward and a lot of us never heard anyone else talk about sex.

So it's.

But it gets easier once you get to.

Do you ever go out with his group of friends too so that you can be part of that fun environment? Do you guys ever get to connect in that way, like out kind of partying or whatever it is you think they're doing? Do you two ever get to connect that way?

Yeah, we did. We had some friends over in Santa Cruz and we went this weekend and we spent some time with them. And he has really nice friends and I love all of his friends, fiance's and wives. And we get along very well. And this weekend actually we went on a. We were walking downtown in Santa Cruz and there was a sex shop and I brought him in there to kind of see, like, maybe there's a toy or maybe there's something we could get together. And. And he's actually brought up the problem of me getting too wet. So I thought, you know, well, if he's going to be. If he's being open with me, well, maybe I'll take him into the sex shop and we can look for different toys or something to spice it up and make it better. And he felt very uncomfortable going into the shop and we didn't end up getting anything.

Had you guys ever talked about trying sex toys before that moment?

Yes, we have. We've talked about trying it. And you know, I thought going into the store would make him more open to getting something and he just. I think he just felt uncomfortable and I think maybe it was something he was expecting me to purchase on my own and surprise him maybe.

Okay, baby, but this is the thing, Nicolette. This is what I want for you. Like, then we'll get to the place where you walk out of that store and you say, you know, babe, I saw you were uncomfortable in there. Like, it could be. You don't have to say that, but you could be like, you know what? Maybe you're thinking, you want me to get this on my own, that's fine. Because it is true, perhaps, that if you're in a store and there's women working at a sex toy store, and they come up to you and say, hey, do you want to get this vibrator dilt? It could. It might be uncomfortable for him, but it doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't want to try toys. Just, you know, And I'm getting the sense that you guys both grew, and you grew up in an environment where it wasn't as safe to be sexual or to talk about sex.

Is that.

Is that accurate? Okay, so it's new to all. Even the conversations around sex is new. Buying a sex, toys. Next levels.

My mom. My mom's always been open about talking about sex with me, and she's always walked around naked. She's always been very open about her body. She's very open book. But I haven't had. I guess just for me, I haven't had a lot of experience with relationship.

That makes sense. You're 24 years old. It's your first serious relationship. And what I do here all day, every day for the last 15 years, I help people figure, like most people, no matter what age they're at, they. They don't have experience. So someone could be twice your age, and they don't feel comfortable talking about sex. So what I love about this, Nicolette, is that there's nothing wrong here or broken. Being in a committed sexual relationship and then actually talking about that relationship is just a new. A new skill, a new practice that you can let your husband know that it's important to you, and you could even acknowledge that. You know, I know this kind of feels weird, and we've never done this before, but I'd love to kind of continue to figure this out together with that. I'm not gonna, you know, know. You can let him know, like, open. Everything goes. There's not going to be shaming or judgment. But you want to learn together, because that's really what it's about. And then once you start to talk about it, it gets easier. Right? How you can tell has been in a long term relationship, like practice. Right? Sure.

And the one thing I want to tell you too, since you are new in like a serious relationship, so you haven't had this as much. No matter what, whatever he ever says or comes at you with, you are normal. Like there's so many different ways everything comes. Like there's so many different l. There's so many different ways that people are and it's okay. So if he's saying something, I don't want you to start internalizing it, that you aren't good or you're not good enough because that's not the case at all. It's just getting to know what you both like but never think because he may say, well, that was weird for me, that then you are weird. That's not the case at all. And I think that's important since this is so new for you, because I don't want you to start having your own self doubt that then can grow and grow and then that just causes problems for both of you. I really want you to know how great and normal and perfect you are. And you guys just have to figure out each other together.

That's very true. I just wish that I could satisfy him as much as he satisfies me. And I want him to feel good because I feel really good when we sleep together. And so I just. Yeah. And so I don't want to talk to make it more special and spice it up or make it better for him.

Yeah.

Talk to him about what he needs because maybe everything Okay. I mean, I hear what you're saying about him not being able to finish. This is just the first step. Okay. Nicolette, thank you for calling. We got have some healthy conversations with you. You're really brave. Thank you for calling in. Just keep learning and talking.

Thanks.

Bye. Nicolette. We do that, right? We're not enough. Or we're not. We just want to keep going back to our messaging and.

And we. And if you haven't been with enough people, you don't realize how normal. I mean, I'm laughing because I'm like, I'm 45. I wish I had that problem. Like I have the opposite problem.

Exactly. Well. Right. I wish I was too wet. That everything was like, right, exactly. But also just the thing of not being normal in the bedroom. We always think that we are. A lot of us think that something happens sexually, we must be the only ones. And that's because no one ever talks.

About sex if they're not being satisfied. A lot of times it's their own, the other person's own issue too. And then we just take it on ourselves and it's. It's hard.

We do this as women, don't we? We take a lot on. I'm not saying men don't do it as well. They do. I hate putting gender around it. We have to be the best at everything. We have to solve everything and take care of everything. And then we make assumptions about things.

So just like we were talking about with Nicolette. I mean, it's what we were talking about all this whole conversation. It's so easy to put value on something. So, you know, whatever happens, it's like right away you're either putting a negative or a positive on it versus it is what it just is. Like, this is a fact of what's happening. Let's talk about it so I can understand it more now. That's hard to do. I mean, you're human, so you tend to feel. But when you can get to that place of that be able to be like, oh, this is just fact. It's not about me, me. Let's just now actually discuss it and go deeper. Well, that changes everything.

So. So, for example, you were talking about this too, even with your daughter, that she said, you know, someone said that they're older than me. Is that a bad thing? So we automatically try to make meaning. We assign meaning to everything.

And if you really. If everyone here just takes a minute. I'm telling you, take a minute and think about your day. Think about the last 15 minutes. I bet you've placed value on like a ton of things. We all do. It's hard not to.

God, we do it all the time. Especially around sex. We do it all the time, too. We think that our partner wants something, that it's. It's too. We make a judgment around people's choices in the bedroom all the time. Like, even that sex toy. Yeah. We just know Nicolette was like, well, he went into the sex toy store and judged that that was an awkward experience. So it must mean this. It must mean that he's not into toys anymore. Like, we are constantly casting judgments and then we not even checking them. Is it true?

Yes. And even then, if it's like two strangers having sex, it's like just because someone might want to do something that one person perceives as crazy. Again, that's not crazy. It's not bad or good. It's just what that person likes. And then someone might perceive that someone else is a little too quiet, you know? And then again, they're saying, that's better, but that's not bad or good either. It's just what that person is.

Nothing good.

Exactly. When you can start just looking at it as, oh, that's just fact, then it becomes so much less heated, less energetic.

Charged.

Charged. Thank you. It's a perfect word for it.

Yeah. No, it's really true. And that is the practice. I actually feel like I just got a little meditation session with you, just a healing session, because I actually came to that. I was with some people last night that I hadn't seen in a while, thinking about how they were sort of a mirror that I found. I found them to be just more judgmental about things. And I thought, I'm doing that as I do that too. And so sometimes people are a mirror. Like, Right. The things that people are doing, you do yourself. And then I'm thinking, everything's a mirror.

And you start to realize how judgmental you are.

I think, I'm not. And then sometimes I'm like, oh, my God, I am. But only about these things. Well, those are big things. Well, I'm allowed to be judgmental about these things because I believe them to be true. Because I'm right.

Right.

Right. Exactly. Well, these are right. I mean, I get in that discussion all the time with people because. And by the way, I do it also. I'm not saying any of this from a high horse. I'm just aware of it now. But it's. Oh, my God, we. That's my favorite thing we all do. It's like. No, but that's. Right. So of course we should be judgmental about that. Right? I mean, and it's tricky because.

Let me hang on to this one thing. You can't, though. And especially with sex. What are you judging right now? What are you judging that you want to let go of? I mean, how do you separate the opinions? Judgments, they're all the same. Correct. Tal, where can people find you and what. Literally, I love seeing your face. But what. What can they do right now to come find you and hang out with you? Yeah.

Instagram or on Den meditation or my personal Instagram, which is at Tal Rabinowitz, or go to denanywhere.com and you can find everything we offer. And like I said, classes all day, every day. And if you can't take them live or don't care to take them live, they're all archived as well. So really, there's no excuse. Again, if you want to do a workshop, if you want to do A course. If you want to do a certification or just classes, it's all there.

So, yeah, then anywhere I want to come, I do. I feel like I just had a little class with you and I just love the way you teach because it's really real. You're like, I get it. I'm like you. You're not trying to be someone's guru. You're not. You don't have to like, pray to the God of Tal. Although I do personally, just because I love you as a friend. But. No, but you just kind of make it accessible to everyone and you're doing. I'm really proud of you.

And if you ever start taking a class or you're studying with anyone who makes you feel like they're the end all, be all, and you can't do this without taking their class, go the other direction. Because the whole point of all this is eventually you should be doing. You be processing and doing all this stuff on your own all the time. You have it. Everyone can do it. So. Oh my God, I'm so anti guru, I can't even begin.

I want to talk about that next time. Well, thank you so much for being Tal. I appreciate you so much.

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