Chemistry, Attraction & Connection w/ Matthew Hussey

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I call it the one day wager. This idea. That one, and this is true of any change in a relationship. The idea that one day this person is going to be everything I want. One day they're going to want kids.

You can't date on potential or what you believe is their potential.

Nope.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It's part two with one of the world's most sought after dating and relationship experts, Matthew Hussey. If you haven't listened to my first interview with Matthew earlier this week, that's okay. You can always go back and listen. We talked about the advice that's made Matthew one of the top dating and relationship experts in the world. We get into that fear of rejection in dating. Fear holds us back from so Many situations. We have it at work, we have it during job interviews, and we definitely have it in dating. You are so worried on a date that you worry more about if they like you than if you actually like them. You're worried about your appearance, you know you're nervous. And then as a result of that, we aren't even really ourselves. We also, in the last episode talk about invest and test as a method in dating. And Matthew coined this phrase, talks about how investment is a mutual exchange. We want to invest in someone who invests in us. So we give a little. Then we see if they move a little to meet us where we're at, we have to keep moving forward. So you want to invest a little and then test well. In this episode, part two, we continue the conversation and dive into some big topics. We talk about how you can build chemistry and how that differs from connection signs that someone is actually invested in you, ways to foster attraction without losing yourself in the person, and the drawbacks of what Matthew calls the one day wager. Oh well, this person's gonna be great. Once we get together, once they realize I'm the one, once they stop drinking, once they blah blah, blah. We also discussed the importance of consistency in your actions and words, the difference between healthy romance and love bombing, when you should first sleep with someone, and whether or not Matthew Hussey believes in the one. All right, Intentions with Emily for each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So my intention is to point out some of the common challenges we face in dating and ways to quickly overcome them or at least recognize them. We also have a new article on the site. It's eight tips for the Best Anal Ever. Happy Anal Sex Month. Oh, and also, I just want to remind you, if you haven't yet, please subscribe to our podcast wherever you listen. We so appreciate it. You'll easily get the episodes. We release two to three podcasts a week and I always want to hear from you. If you want to ask me questions, just call my hotline. It's 559-TalkSex or 559-825-5739. You can also message me at sex with emily.com Ask Emily. All right, everybody. Enjoy this episode.

What does that mean? Being authentic. That's what we're attracted to. It's not because this person looked perfect. Once we get beyond the surface, it's that we saw a part of themselves. We saw their heart or we saw their.

Yeah, right on you think authenticity is a weird thing because being authentic is kind of an oxymoron. Right. I've been making videos since I was 19.

Wow.

I'm 34 now. I mean, my God, it's felt like an entire lifetime. And I too, have grown up through those videos and made all sorts of giant mistakes. Yes.

We've been doing. Oh, my God. Yeah.

And I can look back at those videos of me when I was 19, 20, 21, and I'm there in that body somewhere. But there's also layers of me trying to be something. And it's a weird thing because I know I can see the spark in me, but I can also see layers of me trying to be a thing. And over my 20s and now my 30s, I've come to learn what's unique about me, what works about me. And one of the advantages of making videos online is that people tell you. They also tell you what doesn't work about you, but they tell you what works about you. I love you for this reason.

What do people say they love you for? What? What have you learned?

Well, probably the number one thing I get is authenticity. I mean, they also. People love the practicality of the advice. And I heard that over and over again and insightful. And so when I hear those things, as you start to strip away all of these other layers of things and just. You still have those flavors of the influences you've had along the way, but you're not trying to be that. You're just trying to borrow some inspiration from those things. But really the dominant thing becomes your own voice. And what you learn works about your voice that specific may not be unique to you, but it's specific to you. And you lean into that. That becomes the thing that you actually become really proud of. It shouldn't be an excuse for not practicing other things or being multi dimensional, because it can still. I can still go on stage and say, you know what? I'm going to practice a certain element of my performance. I'm going to practice the comedy element of it, or I'm going to practice the. This element of it. You can still refine your skill sets, but the essence of you is what's. Is what's the same and what's authentic. And people can feel it, you know it when someone's talking from a. From a truthful place. It's a weird sort of visceral experience. When you listen to an interview and you go, that person's not being something else.

That person's not just being real. How do we Know that on a date, though, you know, sometimes we, you know, fall in love quickly. And this actually happened to me right before the pandemic. I was dating somebody, and it was love bombing. It was. You're never done learning. But I was so taken by him and all the feelings and all the connection that we had. And it was very classic. He was telling me all the ways we needed to see each other again, how he'd never felt this way, that we should travel together. We had mutual friends who had never seen him this way before, and I was literally swept off my feet. And it was only for about a month. You know, there was a pandemic, and we were separated, and he lived in another country. But I think that I was swept up in these emotions because it feels so good to have somebody that is so very much into you and feeling so seen by somebody that I just was taken. I thought that I knew better than to fall for this guy that was like, we are everything, and I love you, and we're gonna be traveling here and there. And I was like, oh, my God. You know, not that it wasn't real. Like, I think it was real. We had this great connection. But do you try to teach us to people? Like, how do you know? Cause I think you still make mistakes.

Well, people say a lot of things that they can't back up. It doesn't mean they don't mean them in the moment.

Right, right, right.

People can. We've all said things that we really meant. And then a day later, we were like, I've invited people to my house.

Yes.

And meant it. And then 10 minutes later thought, why.

On earth, especially as an introvert, have.

I invited people to my house?

Right, exactly.

I don't want to do this. You know, I met. When I sent the text, I really meant it. I really meant, come over. Let's. Let's have a great time.

My team knows this, too. I change my mind every 10 minutes. I'm like, no, I said that, but check in with me in the morning, because I might not, but see that.

Emily is like a beautiful. That's a beautiful realization.

I tell my staff that.

Well, knowing that as a life lesson that someone can say something and even if they mean it, that's not where the credibility comes from. The credibility comes from the ability to deliver. And when someone says something to you so quickly, before you really know them and before it, you could argue before it's earned. Right. But certainly before you know them, then you have no measure for the consistency of their actions. Meeting Their words.

It's consistency.

It's consistency. It's. Is this person, someone who's. Whose words over time match their actions? And it's simply something I can't know. In the beginning. I can go on a date and someone can look at me and go, I just. You're amazing. And we should do this and we should do that, and I want to be with you, whatever. And it's fine. You might mean it, you might, but.

You don't have the history.

It's not incumbent on me to trust that right now. Like, that's not my job to believe every single thing that's said right now. Because if it's not set at an organic pace, then I need to let this play out in an organic way before I realize that it has any, any gravitas, any real merit. It's not that you should distrust what people say. It's not that someone says something on a date and you should go, you're lying. Or you'll never be able to back that up. It's not that. But that's not the same as believing either. Inside, you don't say this out loud, but inside it's more of a. I guess we'll see.

Yeah, well, that's the thing, checking with people. So when you're saying words and actions, people always want to know, like, what's more important. They're both. Both important is what we're saying. The consistency. Right, Consistency with your words and actions.

Yeah. It's not that words never matter.

Okay. Right.

And there are some people. Here's a great example of this. Someone can be showing up as if they're in a relationship with you. They're always at your house, you're always at theirs. You're like, in this just complete love fest of what seems to be a relationship. But they never say, never say the words. And you never. You never talk about it. And then you end up getting really hurt because you're like, but they acted like my boyfriend.

Right.

But the words never matched it, you know, and, and, and then it can be the other way around. Someone can tell you all the right things, but their actions don't back it up. So then you can kind of get to a point where you go, well, where then what do I.

And some of us focus more on work. We're like, but they said this. They said this. We're like, but look at their actions. So do you help people track this? Because I do this with my friends too. They'll break up with someone. I'll. Can we Write down all the things that you don't that went wrong. Because then you're going to put them on this pedestal and you're going to remember all these great things they did. But do you remember the time they forgot your birthday or they said they did this thing? So I think you got to track it.

So of you, right? Here's a nice kind of litmus test. When people are telling you things you want to hear, it's hard to know where you stand when someone goes out of their way to tell you something you don't want to hear, that you can trust.

Okay, give me an example.

You can't always trust when someone tells you you're the best thing ever. I want to be with you. I want this, I want that. Whatever. You can't always trust. You have to let things play out. You don't distrust it either, but you have to let them play out. If someone says, I don't want a relationship, you can believe them because that's not helping them get laid tonight.

Exactly. Believe it.

You know, in a pharmaceutical ad where, like at the end of the ad, they've just done the whole thing.

They've shown old people skipping through. Through a meadow, happy. They've got no back pain anymore. They're fine, whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

And then at the very end of the ad, there's the small print and there's the guy with the really fast voice, right.

Who says, stomach problems, you might die, might turn your hair blue. You might lose your children. You might lose. Yeah, exactly.

Now you can believe that part because they didn't want to put it in the ad. If the pharmaceutical ad could choose to.

Omit that part, it would.

They would. They're saying it because those have been some of the side effects. So if you can trust any part of this ad, it's that part.

Exactly.

The same is true in dating. If you can trust any part of what someone says is the. The truth that's inconvenient for them to say.

What are some of those truths? That we just ignore that. You hear what he told me, I just.

I just feel. I'm just not really ready for any. I don't really want to have a serious relationship right now, or I don't know if I see this going anywhere or whatever. And now, of course, what do people do? They go on a mission to find all of the evidence against that.

Right?

But he's calling me. And the next. But he said that. But now he's calling me. So, you know, friend. Look, he's still texting me. So he must. He must be confused. No, you're confused.

He just told you that.

He literally told you that. The ultimate disclaimer. He's the pharmaceutical ad who just gave you the small print at the end, but you now rewound to the old people. Skipping in the meadow with no more back pain.

We just skipped over that part. So do you tell people just. Then listen to it? Like, if you want a relationship and this person just told you they don't, do you even need to wait another five minutes in this relationship?

Here's the tricky part. Most people have got a story about someone who said they didn't want a relationship.

That's true. I'm gonna be the one that changed their mind.

Yeah. And some people have friends that did. When I was with Dan in the beginning, he said he didn't want a relationship. And look at him now. We're married with two kids. Whatever. That's something guys say, well, okay, that might happen. This person might come around.

Right?

But it doesn't mean that the way they come around is by you sticking around.

Right.

You know, in all attraction, it's about showing your best as much as possible so that somebody else can see how wonderful it would be to be with you whilst not risking more than you can afford to lose. So let me put something practical around that. If you were 35, you want kids, and you're like, this is something I really want in my life. Can you afford to give 10 years of your life to someone who says they're not sure about having kids? Probably not. That would be a very, very dangerous bet to make. That's giving up more than you can afford to lose right now.

Right.

If someone says, I'm not sure that I want a relationship, can you go out on a date with them and have a good time? You can decide whether you want to sleep with them or not. But don't sleep with them if you're going to be resentful if it doesn't go anywhere. That's the. That's the rule. It's not about should you, shouldn't you, or whatever. Do not do it if you're.

You have to know yourself if you're.

Gonna wake up feeling used.

Right.

Own what you do. And if you can show someone the best side of you and they say they don't want a relationship, and then you say, okay, then I'm not gonna keep sleeping with this person because whenever, one thing or the other, I'm just gonna get stuck in this loop. But still, when this person Sees me out and about. I'm just going to be wonderful. Not going to be cold, not going to be resentful. I'm not going to be angry. I'm not going to give them any of that. I'm just going to be wonderful and they're going to see me being wonderful. And if they come around, great. I'm not even going to give them cold. I'm going to be warm.

You have to always get so bitter.

I'm not going to like, give this person everything they want, but I'm going to give them great energy and I'm going to give them a chance to see what they're missing. But I'm not going to invest based on the idea that they're going to come around. That's a really, I call it the one day wager. This idea that one, and this is true of any change in a relationship, the idea that one day this person is gonna be everything I want. One day they're gonna want kids. One day they're gonna date on potential.

Or what you believe is their potential and that people are gonna change because people don't change unless they want to. We're gonna take a quick break to hear a word from our sponsors. However, when we come back, Matthew reveals questions to ask yourself to figure out if the person you're seeing is actually interested in you. We'll be right back.

So how do you know if somebody is invested then? Let's say is there certain signs that you, you know, because so all of our gets in the way, right? Our own securities and our childhood and our past relationships. The past partner cheated on me or this, no one ever loves me the way I want to be loved. But when you're with someone, do you find that there's some people that you're coaching that you just say to them, no, this actually looks good. This actually looks healthy. Like, how do you know when someone's, are there certain signs like this is how you know someone's invested?

I think that it's, Are they genuinely curious about you? Do they want to get to know you better? Are they actually trying to get to know you and see if you have the same values? Because any, any narcissist can go around impressing people. You know, he gave me the best date. He must have cared because we did such an, had such an amazing date. Well, you're gonna have a narcissist who gives a great date because what do they really want? They want you to get to the end of the day and be in love with them. So that's not really a sign that someone's investing. It's a sign that they're trying to impress. Are they impressed by you? Do they seem to actually understand you, see you, accept you? Are they excited to keep seeing you? Do they actually go out of their way? You know, is. Is it always on their terms? You always come to their part of town, it's always on their diary, their schedule, or are they actually meeting you halfway? It's when you genuinely feel like the investment or the effort is mutual and we can normally feel it when it's not. That's a different thing from, you know, they go to a party one night and all of your anxiety comes out. You know, oh, my God, are they going to meet someone? And then they don't text you for a couple of hours and you're like, something's wrong now. Like, there's a story in your head that's not lack of investment. That could just be our stuff coming to the table. And in that moment, we've got to slow down the story that's happening in our head and say, you know what? I'm actually going to allow this to reveal itself to me. Instead of bringing my monsters to the table, I'm going to allow this to reveal itself to me. But is the effort equal? Do you send someone. It's fine to send someone a text in the morning and say, hey, I hope you have a great day today. You know, how are you this morning? It's okay to send that text. Don't send it the next three days.

Okay.

Let's see if they do the same. What people do is they. They say, he always replies, well, that's not the same thing.

Right.

Someone who is saying yes isn't the same thing as someone giving you the invite, someone reaching out to you. And so it's those moments where you invest a little and you see if the effort is equal.

Well, this is back to the investing, the invest. And what'd you say?

Invest and test.

Okay. People are like, oh, well, don't double text or wait for them to shade. So how much of it is this still? This chasing? And not like, what.

Not everything has to be like tit for tat, where it's. But there's a. There's a cadence, there's a rhythm you should pay attention to.

Yeah.

Sometimes if you're confident, you can be like, oi, where are you? You know, you can be playful about that, but if you're doing it again on the third message, then it's like, well, now. Now, why are you doing this? Because they've ignored two, so why send a third?

Right?

It doesn't always have to be like, I did this. Now you do that. Now I do this. Now you do that. But is there a rhythm that seems like it's always in the same direction? Jameson and I call it being in the blue. You know, when you look at your phone, are you in the blue, or is it like, every message is a blue message and you're waiting for them? That's a problem. And sometimes even in people's text messages, you can see unequal investment. You can literally see that this person's giving one line answers and this person's writing paragraphs. And it doesn't. And it sounds petty and it sounds silly and pedantic and whatever. And people will say, oh, my God, this is the thing people always write, you know, oh, good. Does it have to be this much work? Oh, is it? Have I always find it a silly thing to say? No, it doesn't have to be this much work. If you just pay attention to whether someone is showing up in the way that you are. It absolutely doesn't have to be this much work.

Okay? That's the main thing. Are they showing up in the way I do?

Yeah. You have to be aware of that lesson. Otherwise you. If you. If you're one of those people, like, I don't need to learn all of this. I just need to. I'm just gonna go and be me or whatever. Well, you can go and be you. And you ignore every red flag going.

Are there common red flags? Speaking of red flags that you see.

I went on a date where the person was 20 minutes late. I was mad.

Really? You're like, time.

I was mad. Here's why I was mad. I was mad because I rushed to get there on time. I left work before I wanted to to get there on time. And then I'm sat in this restaurant and 20 minutes go by. I called Jameson. I called Jameson, and I'm like, dude, I'm. I just want to leave. He's like, just stay. It'll be fine. You'll be all right. Once she gets there, you'll realize you've just made too much of it. Whatever. The person showed up and she was like, oh, my God. My friend had. I don't know what it was, like, taken the car or something. How are you. In my head, I was like, that's a moment where you say, sorry, Sorry.

Yes. I can't stand for the little Tim. Sorry.

That is such That's a sorry moment.

Yes.

That's not an oh, God moment. That's a, hey, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

Yeah. That's, to me, like a big red flag.

Yes.

And people ignore that stuff. Why? Because the person opposite them is hot.

Right, Right. Exactly. They're so hot that they can't. I forgot that that happened. Even I'm gonna just bury that.

Yeah. And I refuse to ignore that stuff. I refuse to ignore it because I know that ignoring it, I ignore it at my peril. What I ignore today shows up tomorrow or a year from now or two years from now. And most relationships end the way they began.

That's true. That's true. My mom always says the issues you have in the third date, you'll have forever.

Yep. And what people do is they go. They go out every night drinking with someone for the first week, and this person just gets smashed. And then in year three, they go, I had to break up with them. Their drinking was just driving me crazy.

Exactly. You're like, they have been drinking since the first day.

Which part of you didn't know they were drinking?

Exactly. So, Matthew, do you believe in the One?

No. No, I don't. I believe. Well, so, okay. I believe it's nuanced. I think someone becomes the One. They don't start as the One. They become the One by what you build with them. The way I've described it in the past is that when you meet someone that you like and they like you, that's like two people coming to a plot of land that has potential. Maybe it's by a lake, maybe it's in the forest, maybe it's in a beautiful part of a city. But you have this plot of land that has potential. It still is just a plot of land. What then happens is, you see, if you have a builder, if you are mutual builders, so you start building this house or this castle or this cottage, and gradually, by accretion, it becomes this beautiful structure. And the more you build it, the more it becomes yours. There are secret passageways only the two of you know about. And the stone on the outside becomes weathered in its own unique way. And it has all the markings and the makings of your relationship. That argument you once had, that thing you did for each other, the difficult time you got through, the storm you weathered, becomes yours. That, to me, is a relationship. That's what becomes the One, is that you build something together over time. The reason so many people, we're all opening ourselves up to get hurt if we. If we try in our love lives. But the reason people get hurt beyond what's necessary, the reason they get walk into unnecessary suffering is because instead of valuing the castle that they're building or will build with someone, they value the connection. They value the plot of land and the plot of land, which to me is just connection. You meet someone, we have an amazing connection. And that's all. That's what you hear, isn't it? Someone's treating me badly. And what you hear from someone is, but we have such an amazing connection. It's like saying, we have such an amazing plot of land. I don't care. You need. A relationship needs two builders.

Yes. So if some person's building it and looking at the land and how are we going to build on the land? And the other person just like.

And the other person's like having a cup of tea on the side of the road, then you don't have a builder. And it doesn't matter how great the plot of land is, it's useless to you. You have to start valuing the castle over the connection. And that to me is how someone becomes the one. Because they reveal themselves to be the best builder you've ever met.

Both are working in the relationship. Yeah. That makes, I mean, people like, oh, you don't believe in soulmates or the one. You're just gonna find someone. I'm like, I think you could have. I don't think there's one person that's waiting for you.

I always just love the story of like, you know, I met the one. How did you meet? In college. And you go, so let me get this straight. Out of 7 billion people, the one firstly wasn't Indian or Chinese, because there's a lot of them. Right. Why are more of us not married to people from other countries?

Exactly.

Somehow the one seems to be the other white person.

Exactly. What was the next person who went.

To your college, who took your same course and who happened to sit next to you? This is miraculous.

Exactly.

I just. I suppose some people have more of an affinity with this kind of cosmic order, but I'm not.

What about chemistry? Is that the same as connection? Like, oh, we have such great chemistry or we have this great energy. Do you think you can create that with anyone? Do you think it's a slow build? Like, what's your take on it?

Well, I think it builds up to a point. Well, here's. Okay, I'm going to add one caveat. It's possible to be on a date with Someone and not feel chemistry, not because they're not attractive, but because they are not showing any desire for you.

Yes.

I have been on dates in my life where I began by thinking this person's attractive. I ended the date, walked away, and felt no sign that this person was into me. There wasn't any desire. I didn't feel like this person gave me any compliment or didn't. Like, there wasn't even energy from this person. And then we get off the date and a day later they say, hey, I'd love to see you again.

And you're like, really? What?

Yeah, what date was I on? Like, I was convinced this person didn't like me. So now we don't have chemistry. Not because there couldn't be chemistry, but because there's. For whatever reason, this person wasn't actually showing desire. Desire doesn't have to be. You're so sexy. Desire could be more subtle than that. It can be a prolonged look. You know, there's lots of ways to show it, but. But when someone doesn't. It's difficult for even potential chemistry to exist if there's two people showing desire for each other, and within three dates, you're not feeling any chemistry. I do think it's hard to start from a place of having none. I think you can take some chemistry and build on it, but I think it's hard if you're starting from a place of having zero chemistry.

Yeah, I think so too.

Unless you go to bed for the first time and it's unbelievable. And suddenly there's a physical connection that you're like, wow, this. I wouldn't have guessed that you and I had chemistry, but when we touched and you like the same pressure I like, and you fit with me in the way I want to do things, and there's something like that. There's something I hadn't predicted there, but I think if it's not there at that point, then saying that it's one day going to be there is. Is very, very hard.

I got that. I agree with you. After the break, I asked Matthew what he thinks about sex on the first date. Don't go away.

What do you think about this question? Because I love asking these things that I get us all the time. Like, oh, we should sleep together on the first date, or if you do, it's doomed. Or you should wait to have sex. People always ask, and I never give people numbers. I'm like, I am not giving you, like, a prescription here. I think that. Feel it. If you feel like you can have Sex with someone, first date, doesn't matter where it goes. That's great. But like, if you ever hear stories of people like, well, I slept with them, so therefore I have to end this right now. Like, what are your takes on sex and dating?

Sex creates baggage for a lot of people. Yeah, like I said, there's not. Actually, I don't think that many situations that are truly casual things happen. You know, people get feelings that they feel used or they feel like, oh, I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think you were going to call or if I thought this was going nowhere, then I wouldn't have done it. Then it wasn't casual. And so I do think that knowing yourself is essential. I do think that if you choose to have sex with someone, you better own it. And that means not doing the whole, oh my God, I can't believe I drank that much last night, blah, blah, blah, nonsense like, you can't. That comes across as weak. It comes across as self loathing. It comes across as, as I, I'm not an adult. I'm like, oh, the booze did it to me. And it's like, well, what else does the booze do to you? How many other times does the booze do it to you? Whatever. It's like, it's not set. That's not sexy. Owning sex is sexy. That was so much fun. I had such a great time with you last night. That's sexy. So own it. And also there is an entitlement that can come after sex that's very dangerous, which is now that we've had sex, I'm going to start acting differently and I'm going to have very different expectations of you. And in a way that's not quite ownership either, because it says, this was attached to conditions I never told you about. And that's not to say, I'm not saying people have to wake up and be robots. Far from it. I'm saying if you have sex, do it and say to yourself, if nothing comes of this, right, I'm going to be okay. That's all right. I took a chance.

Maybe I learned something.

Maybe I learned something. Whatever, I had fun, or I took a chance, maybe I thought it was going somewhere, it didn't go somewhere, whatever. But own that process, own that journey, whether it leads somewhere or it doesn't. When someone changes their energy after sex, they immediately start losing the appeal that they had before sex.

When they start getting more attached or more expectations, I suppose suddenly there's a.

There's a kind of seriousness about them and a pressure about them and a. A resentment if this doesn't happen or this doesn't happen. Whereas it should come out in the form of if you're not happy with the way that it panned out after sex, then the next time someone tries to have sex with you, don't do it again. Explain why after last time, you had a great time, but you didn't really feel the love afterwards. You were excited about it, but you didn't really feel any connection from him afterwards or her afterwards. And therefore, even though you had fun the first time, it doesn't make you want to go there again because, you know, you feel like maybe this person's in a different place to you or has different feelings to you. I was excited about. Like, I kind of was excited about, you know, not. Not to even. You don't even have to put a label on it. I just. I don't know where it was going, but I was excited about. I was having fun with you. And I feel like it kind of shifted. Shifted. It petered out after that or whatever. And so I just don't. I don't know. I don't feel the same kind of motivation to keep this going on an intimate level. And that's the time to assert yourself.

That's such a good time. Yeah. We got to say these things, but.

Not resentment beforehand or expectation beforehand. It's like, continue to be that great. Play for light energy in someone's life.

Yeah. Check in with what you're frustrated with someone about. Like, was there an expectation that you had that you didn't share? What do you. Is it. A lot of times it's just us. Right. I don't know. People who get angry and needy because they've been hurt before, it starts with.

A message to ourselves that says, if this doesn't go somewhere, then all it's shown me is that this person cannot be right for me. By definition, someone who's not trying cannot be right for me. I'm not gonna be upset in that way. I can be disappointed. Disappointed is different. But I'm not gonna be resentful. I'm just gonna. It's information that's a form of closure. No, closure is closure.

Closure is bullshit. Sometimes we don't need closure. Since the closure was them not being responsive, the closure is.

It didn't go anywhere.

Exactly.

That is closure by definition. So it's. I'm not saying don't be more connected to someone, but don't assume they're more connected to you.

We do assume that, don't we? We're like, if only this happened, they would know. Or they're just kind of blocking themselves from really being connected to we had.

Sex well, or we had sex and I felt really connected and they must too. And if they didn't, then what? How? Like, I don't get it. How can they not be connected? Well, maybe it was just sex to them. The real test is going to be what's the rhythm after sex? But what doesn't help the rhythm is getting really heavy and frustrated or resentful or having high expectations. After that happens, people will be like, oh, so, Matt, you're giving people Amanda. Like, so I'm just supposed to sleep with people and. And it mean nothing and I'm supposed to be okay if it doesn't go anywhere or whatever. It's like kind of. Yeah. That doesn't mean that that person is entitled to anything more from you afterwards either. If they think that they, after having sex with you, are entitled to have sex with you again, yeah. They're wrong too.

Right.

You're wrong if you think sex entitles you to a deeper connection right now. And they're wrong if they think having sex with you entitles them to more casual sex. Both are wrong. There's only the rhythm that you allow. That's it. What rhythm do you allow? If someone, if you realize, oh, this person could be in casual, this seems to be what they want. They didn't text me for the last three days after we had sex. And now it's Friday night and they're texting me again.

The worst.

Oh, I see. That's information, right?

That's information.

And when someone's asking for something at that point, that's a nice juncture to remind them who you are. If they didn't know yet, and it's.

Not in an aggressive way, you just can say, oh, you know, I hearing from you tonight, I thought I'd see you maybe a little bit earlier this week or hear from you. And that's just really not what I'm doing feeling right now. I'm about your. Hey, you up, chick. Friday night at midnight, whatever. Right.

That's exactly right.

So, Matthew Hussey, this was amazing. Thank you for all your time. I'm gonna ask you the five questions we ask all of our guests. They're quickie questions. What's your biggest turn on?

Emotional intelligence is like someone who's truly insightful is really, really like a massive turn on. Biggest turn off gossip.

What makes good sex?

Being truly comfortable in your body.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Younger Matthew, pay attention to to how much you might be hurting someone and how much that's going to hurt you later.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

That it can be much more of a playground than you can ever imagine. If you're actually willing to be seen and lose the fear of judgment.

Good. Matthew Hussey. Where can people find you? What's all the places they can come interact with you?

There's a couple of fun things people can do. I'll give people two things.

Great.

If people want something practical for their dating lives, I have a really fun free guide called the nine Texts, which gives people a bunch of text messages they can use to create attraction. That's at 9texts.com. If people are listening to this going I want a deeper journey and I want to work on my confidence either in my love life or in life in general. I have something really cool going on right now called the 30 Day Confidence Challenge and I'm literally taking people through a free. Both of these are free.

Oh great.

I'm taking people through a free process where I give them five particular confidence challenges over 30 days and we do them together and it's fun and it genuinely, measurably improves people's confidence in 30 days. So if people go to MHChallenge MH my name Matthew Hussey. MHChallenge.com they can literally go and sign up to that challenge for free. Cool.

We'll put it all in the show notes as well. Easy to find. Thank you so much for being here, Matthew. I appreciate you.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner, believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. We release two to three episodes a week. Find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me feedbackexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com askemily and check out my website. We have so many great articles diving deep into topics like how do I have multiple orgasms? How do I last longer in bed? How do I stop thinking about my ex? What sex toys should I try? And so much more. Sign up for weekly emails. I've been told I give really good emails I do. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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