Closing the (Orgasm) Gap

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes they called them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to the website sexwithemily.com there's a lot going on there and what you could do this month because, hey, it's masturbation month. God, I love May. We are having a contest. You can enter it. Tell us how has masturbation benefited your life and your sex life? What has it done for you lately? Email feedbackexwithemily.com by June 7th to enter. We're giving you some sex sexy, sexy prizes. And yes, we love the detail. We want to hear about your masturbation highs and how they've changed your life. But try to keep your submissions on the shorter side. We so appreciate it and I'm ex with Emily across the board. I love to see you on all social because it's a good time there. All right, so there's some stories that have excited me, excited me. I get excited. I get sex news every day. I get like Google alerts for like, sex news. Can you imagine what my inbox looks like? I get to find everything that's happening in the world. So I'm gonna share some of those with you and see some things we can learn from them. But first, I want to start with our contest we had. We wanted to know what are the top things you learned from sex with Emily as you've been listening to it over the years? And we picked winners. It was our Kegels of Steel contest and you won some amazing prizes like the Intensity by Parma. So here's what you guys said and these are our top posts. We did pick our winners and these were just our top choices. And I think you'll learn a lot from these. So this is what people learned from listening to Sex with Emily. This one is called Communication is lubrication. Communicate to lubricate. My husband and I have been together for 13 years. We've always had a decent sex life. But after listening to sex with Emily for two years, we feel revolutionized and are interested in talking more and hearing what one another is interested in. It's natural. It's just sex how we applied it. We are very busy people, unfortunately. Sometimes that means scheduling sex. But we make it fun. When we're on a long drive, we talk about what would be fun to try out. What. When sex is scheduled, we look for ways to look forward to it while talking about it over text throughout the day and in and out of the bedroom. In the bedroom, I now have multiple orgasms. Outside the bedroom, we're more connected as a Couple. And in general, we're happier people. Veronica, 27. Okay, you guys, I love this so much. I mean, they've been listening for two years. Veronica, thank you for submitting this. This just warmed my heart. This made my day. And you're so right. It's just sex. And what I also love is what you're pointing out here. It's so true. You guys. Once you get over that hump, if you will, that so hard to talk. You're gonna realize that it might not be easy at first. I get it. But once you start talking about sex with your partner, it's literally gonna be like the thing that you talk about more than anything else in a way that's fun. Not in a way like, oh, you came again too quickly, or did you have an orgasm? It's more like, wow, what should we try next? It's like your new favorite hobby that you share. That happens to a lot of couples. So, Veronica, thank you for explaining that here that that actually can happen when you talk about sex. Look at this. Your sex life can get better. Okay, this is from Hannah31. Another submission to the contest Toys. She says it can be overwhelming. Navigating the world of sex toys, not knowing if it's made out of the right material so you aren't poisoning your lady parts is scary. The episodes that are dedicated to toy reviews are so informative, and I trust all of Emily's suggestions. Because of Emily, I have a Magic Wand, a WE Vibe, Nova, and the Womanizer. Since I used toys before I had sex, I got to know my body, which made communicating with my partner a lot easier. Hann.

I have to say, that's quite a nice collection there. If I had to say to tell someone they should buy five toys, these would be on my list. The Magic Wand, the Nova, and the Womanizer. So good job. And we just. This made me think that we need to do another toy show. We haven't done one, so we're just planning one to come out in the next few weeks. I love telling you guys about all these toys we've been trying, so you don't have to try the bad ones. We will. I just tell you about what we love.

Okay. Finally, we've got. I've learned so much, but the one thing I've learned that has impacted me the most is masturbation. I've finally been able to accept what feels good to me and own it without guilt or shame. This has changed my sex life, boosted my confidence, and given me courage to experiment with other things as well, it's even led my husband and I experimenting with mutual masturbation, and he's definitely not complaining. I wouldn't have done this without the show. Beth27 Beth, I love it. Anyone brings up mutual masturbation, you got my attention. You know that I think that it's an awesome way to get closer to your partner. You know, masturbating on your own, and then you show each other what you both like. And it's a game changer for a lot of couples. So thanks for that, Beth, and thank you to everybody who submitted to the what you learned from sex family contest. And we have another one, as we mentioned, so we can't wait to hear from you there as well. Okay, so here's a study, a study that came out, a little study about complimenting on dating apps. You guys know that I'm obsessed with compliments because I think that we can never get enough. Whether it's to your partner or someone on the street. Like, if you see someone walking and you're like, oh, wow, that's a nice dress, or that's a nice thing that person's wearing, like, let them know. Like, just let them know it feels really good. It spikes our serotonin, dopamine, all that stuff. But when we're talking about online dating, I thought this was interesting because this is one of the many ways that men and women just. I feel like we see a lot of things differently, and often we give what we want to receive. In many areas of our life. We might give the gifts we want to receive. We might, you know, give the compliments that we actually would like to receive, but that's not necessarily what men. Women wouldn't necessarily like to receive compliments that women would like to and vice versa. So, for example, there was a new study by ask men, and it was looking into compliments on dating apps. And it confirms for a lot of women, I think, why some of the remarks that we receive from matches, like, just don't work. Like, I don't want a guy to compliment on my looks at all. Right? Like, I don't want them to say, hey, you look hot. Because in my mind, I'm going, yeah, Avi, like, you swept on my thing. Like, you. We matched. You probably think I'm cute. It wasn't because of my. My penmanship or whatever you call it. My. My penmanship. My. My spelling. My great grammar is what I meant. Who's writing? Who's penning? I penned you a. I sent it with a carrier pigeon. Men want to be complimented on these things. According to this study. Number one, men actually want to hear about body and appearance. So a guy actually wants me, if I match with the guy on Tinder, he wants me to say to him, nice abs, like nice six pack, dude, that's. And like I like your shirt. Number two is humor. I guess I could say like you're, you're LOL on your, you know, dating your subscription. What are your 500 word bio? Like, hey, hahaha. The next thing is personality for men. Intelligence and then success. So only 9% of men want to be told about success. Females like to be complimented on these things in this order. Number one is personality. 38% they want to hear like, wow, you've got a great personality. Because like I said, if a guy says to me, you look really hot, or I like that picture, nice, you know, whatever. I actually won't typically answer those guys because I think first of all, I know that. And also like, can you read my profile and just at least pretend you find me interesting? So 38% personality, that makes sense. Humor, of course, I think that neck and neck with the guy. Number two, we all want to feel funny. Intelligence. Women want to say like, you're really smart. The fourth thing is body and appearance. Only 16% of women want you ever to comment on her ass. She doesn't want to hear you go, nice ass in those jeans in picture three. And success 9%. So both men and women, 9% success is the last thing. So what does it mean, you guys? Well, here's the thing. You're probably going, what? How do I compliment someone when I'm online dating in a message when all I have is a bio? Well, you have a bio and you have a few pictures. So it's going to take some imagination, a little bit creativity, but not a ton of work. So if someone wants to be complimented on body and appearance, so that's what we find out, right? 29% of guys want you to say you look great. So you'd be like, you do look healthy. Like I can tell you work out. Maybe he talks about hiking and running and jumping and swimming. Which girls turns out we don't want to be complimented because I feel like, like I said, like, if you're complimenting me, I already know you thought that I was cute. So for guys you could say something like, I love your look. And a guy would be like, oh good, you think I'm handsome. As far as personality, you'll see. What? Pick up some things from her bio. If she says I like to work and play and travel. And you can be like, God. You seem like someone really fun to hang out with. You know, I too, like to travel. Where have you been lately? You know, so that shows that you read it. And she seems cool. Humor. Most people try to make a joke or they try to be sarcastic in their profile, nod to their joke. Pretty funny. I feel that way too. I left. I LOL'd. I just found this interesting because I think that it also shows that, like, the way we give. It reminded me of the love languages. Actually, you guys know I talk a lot about the love languages, which I think is really a game changer for many relationships. There's like, five ways that we all want to be loved. I could point you to a blog about it on the website or I could explain it to you right now. So Gary Chapman, who is a pastor priest, he wrote this after working with many couples in the church. Don't let that part turn you off because it's not all God heavy if you're not into that. But what he found was there's five ways typically that everyone wants to receive love. And typically two of them speak to us the most. And our partners won't necessarily want to experience love in the same way. So, for example, here's what they are. Gifts. So I want you to come home thinking of me and bring me, you know, a Tiffany's box or a shirt that you are. You thought this shirt looked great to me. Then there's quality time. I really want us to. Our Saturday night is our night without cell phones. Just the two of us. We're spending really quality time together, connecting. Then there's acts of service. You saw that my gas tank was empty and you filled it. You emptied the dishwasher for me. You fixed the light bulb. Acts of service. And then there's words of affirmation. Tell me I'm hot every day. Tell me I'm pretty. Tell me I'm smart and successful. And then there's physical touch. Okay, we wanna be touching. We wanna be hugging. We want. It's really important to us to touch. So there's probably two of those that you feel, you know, for me, it's words of affirmation and physical touch. So I might be dating someone. He wants gifts and quality time. And if he never touches me or tells me I'm hot and he might bring me barrels of gifts, I would never feel love from him, like, literally, if he didn't. This has happened to me where a guy, like, did not touch me Enough. He was just like, I'm like, I wanted a hug. I wanted to be touching while watching tv. And it didn't happen. So I didn't feel love. What this made me realize is that this extends to so many other parts of our life where men and women just give compliments or react in ways that we think that react in ways of what would make us feel good. So I think it's interesting to look at the way different ways that we all communicate. So I love this one story. Think about it when you're on the apps and you're like, why does anyone respond to me? It could be because you were telling her that she was hot. And really she just wanted to say that she looks like she's a good time. So the next one. These are ways that we perpetuate the orgasm gap that we never realized, according to a psychologist. So, you know, I talk a lot about the orgasm gap in the sense of God. You know, men orgasm way more often than women. And also, women need longer to achieve orgasm, and sex only lasts between six and eight minutes, typically in heterosexual couples. And women take about 20 minutes to orgasm, and there is a gap. Another way to think about the gap is that there's this thing that is subtly penetrated through society about vaginal penetration. We are pressured. Women are taught from a young age and men that if we don't orgasm through vaginal penetration, a man sticking his penis in my vagina and I don't have an orgasm, there is something that's wrong with me. I am broken, because that's just how sex is. So here's a few ways that they show that. This is why we believe this is that pop culture depicts women orgasming through penetration. So think about it. Everything we've seen in porn, mainstream movies, there's a few seconds of thrusting, and all of a sudden, like, a woman's having an orgasm and they roll over and everything's amazing. And so we believe that something is wrong with us if that doesn't happen. The other thing is the proportion of women who orgasm through penetration is way overestimated. I mean, I've told you this, guys many times, that only 30% of women can orgasm through penetration alone. And there's other studies that say it's only like 15%. Bottom line, women need their clitoris stimulated. You guys, it is a different deal because number three shows you here that because the next point is female genitalia, since we can remember in our lifetimes, have been defined by the vagina. So the socialization teaches women that we should. Orgasm through intercourse begins at that time in our lives when we are small children and we're like, men have a penis and women have a vagina. So nobody talks about, you know, the fact that actually the clitoris is something very different than the vagina, because we hear penis, vagina, and then we hear sex. So we think penis goes in vagina, and that's sex. And this is kind of analogous to telling a child that the nose is for both eating and breathing, since the nose and the mouth are on the face, which kind of reminds me of, like, the vulva, which is the exterior to the vagina and the internal. So you can see why we all just assume that the vagina is where the magic happens. And really, for a lot of women, it's the clitoris, the vulva. And then finally, guys, I'm going to say this is true, that male pleasure is simply valued over female pleasure. Again, this has to do with society. And this comes down to the way we have defined sex in a way that really favors male sexual pleasure over female sexual pleasure. And so in a study in the Journal of Human Sexuality, they found that 63% of college men, but only 44% of women received oral sex during their last hookups. So men are getting blowjobs left and right, and women not so much. So I think that we're always seeing, like, talking about the blowjobs. Women feel like they owe men oral sex, and guess what? That's really not the case. So let's close that orgasm gap, shall we? So you guys, listen, so I think you can see this really hit close to home. And I hope it really made you think and think about, wow, ah, there is this gap. I have not been having the orgasms I want to have. Do you feel like your orgasms have been gapped? Do you feel like you have not received your due fit, your due amount of orgasms? Because you can see here, you guys, it's really just the way that we've been socialized. It's really deeply ingrained to who we are from a very young age. You guys, this is in no way bashing men. I don't think you know any better. Like, I wouldn't know. I believed all of these things at one point that I was broken because I wasn't having orgasms through intercourse. So I get it. So I want to hear from you, though. Is there way. Do you think that you've missed out on some orgasms because of this? Men or women? Does this make sense to you? Does this resonate now we're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors. I love them, I love my sponsors and I love you all. So thank you for supporting them. Check them out. We're gonna take a quick break. When we come back, we'll get to your emails.

Emails. I love answering your questions. It's why I exist here. It's why I do what I do. If you'd like to have a question answered on the show, you can text ask Emily all one word to 797979. Fill out the short form or go to my website, sexwithelmily.com, click on the Ask Emily tab and include your name, your age, where you live and how.

Too much Mediterranean food. Your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Thanks, guys.

Okay, this is from Billie. She's 37 in Ohio. Dear Emily, I've been married for 11 years and I have one eight year old daughter. My husband over the last four to six years has started liking his anal licked. I don't enjoy doing it. However, he loves it and really gets turned on when I do it. He started wanting it so much. Now I think it's the only way he can come. Unless he jacks off. Help. What can I do? I don't want to anal lick. Shouldn't say that. But Billy, I understand this. I understand that anal licking. First of all, which 2000 was it? 17 or 16 was the year of anal licking. So I see you're right on track here. He's right on track. You're right on track. But I get it if it's not your thing. I understand that you really might not like it. But what I'm wondering is why you don't like it. So I understand, first of all, cleanliness. If he's coming home from work, you're both home and you're like, I am not licking that anal, that anus right now. You could take a shower, like if it's a clean thing, take a shower together and then, you know, lick the anus. Also, here's a few ways to get around it. First of all, take a shower. If it's. Cleanliness is the issue, you can take a shower together, you can make sure that he's clean and then again, I don't think you should feel pressure to do it every time. But if that is the reason you don't like it, there's nothing wrong with taking a shower together, licking it right after, before he goes to the bathroom, before anything else happens. Also, there's laurels, which is new latex underwear he can wear that allow you to penetrate with your tongue. And so it's kind of like a dental dam, like a condom, kind of like that kind of consistency that you put over his anus. And you could lick it through there. Just saying. If that's your thing about cleanliness, that could work. And I want to know is my question for you, Bill, is how do you know it's the only way? You said you think it's the only way he can come, and you. That's all he wants. And I'm just checking it here because a lot of times we create stories over things that aren't true, and then these untruths we create to a much bigger problem in the relationship. So he might just be wanting some variety, and it might not be all about anal, but you've assumed it's the only way he can come. It's all he wants, and you're failing him. So I would just say you need to talk to him about it too. And just say, what else could we do here? Just beside maybe he wants a butt plug? You know, you can get him a vibrating butt plug, and that could be his anal stimulation for the day. You shouldn't feel that your tongue is always just there to service his anus. So also, we found something that he might like. It's called the Sliquid Squeal oral sex stimulator. And it's essentially a toy that's in a circle, and there's just a bunch of tongues that flip around in a circle, like a chainsaw kind of thing. That's what it looks like. Like, right, the chainsaw thing circling around. But it's like tongues flipping. And I actually want one because there goes. I could just oral sex for like an hour without, like, just tongue, tongue, tongue. But you could do that. And I laugh because the squeal, when it first came out, you guys, and I don't have it anymore, but when it first came out, it was like, literally had one of those cords, like a power drill. It was so. It was a huge machine. It was like the sibian of sex toys. And I got like, the first version of it, but now it's like handheld and very different. But it was like. It was like tongues. And so anyway, it's. It's more varied now, so check out the squeal. Okay. Rachel, 25, New York. Rachel. Rachel. Hi, Emily. I listen to your show all the time and I recommend it to all of my friends. I'm hoping you can help me out with A couple questions I have regarding a guy I recently started dating. He's 26 years old, in great shape, and very health conscious. For background. First of all, we've had six, six or seven times now, and he's never gone down on me. I understand that for some people, that might not be something that they feel comfortable doing with someone they don't know that well. But it was odd for me because I've never been with someone who doesn't do it. Our relationship in quotes is very casual and fun. I feel we're bringing it up, but it's something I really enjoy and wondering if it's a problem with me. I wax. I'm a clean person. But the fact that he hasn't done it is making me very self conscious. Thanks for your help, Rachel. Okay, so here's the thing, Rachel. This is definitely not a problem with you. And this comes up a lot. Not all guys are into it, and it's probably because they don't think they're good at it. So they just don't do it. Like, they're not just gonna do it because maybe one time they did it with some chick and she was like, you're terrible at that. And just some guys have just this. This fear around it. They're like, I'm not gonna please her. I don't know what to do. And then there's also the guys who just really aren't into it for whatever reason. They think the vulva, the vagina, is a dirty place. They don't want to go there. Let's assume that he just isn't confident on his oral skills. You could just say, babe, I think it would be so hot if you go down to me. I keep fantasizing about it, and I would love if you went down on me. You could also, like, ask. You could just 69, I mean, literally just take matters into your own hands and turn things around, turn the tables. And then you could just start giving a blowjob. When he starts going down, you move your head away like he's already going. Which I think because. Okay, here's my thing with 69. I'm a 69 fan to an extent. I either want to be the giver or the receiver during oral. Like, it's hard for me to multitask, but. But for some people, they love it. Because then people, especially pleasers, they're like, I just can please and receive, and they're all fine with it. I'm add. I get distracted. I'm like, penis. Or am I receiving what Do I do. But if you want to implement 69, that could be cool. But really, Rachel, the best way that you can handle this. And I'm going to be honest with you, this is what works every time. Even if it's more awkward in the beginning, it's going to serve you so well. And that is just to be so upfront and be honest and say, God, I love. I love the thought of you licking me, my pussy. Or, I love the thought of you going down to me. I love oral. Please do it. Please go down to me. It'd be so hot. And then I just can't wait to have your cock inside me. But lead with that. And you could also tease them. And you could just say, you know what? Actually, no, because this is what I've done in the past. I'm like, I'm actually not even ready. Like, I'm closed for business until you get down to business with your oral. Like, I've literally been like. Because I think that for a lot of guys, they just think it's kind of like they're scratching your back or, like, giving you a foot rub. And what they don't realize is the better they become at oral, the more enthusiastic they become at oral. It all comes around in a circle. The better sex they're gonna. Because you're gonna be turned on. You're gonna be way much. You're gonna be way readier, prepared for sex and turned on for sex, rather than he just sticks it in and starts pounding away. So I think that you could be part of educating your partner and men out there everywhere realizing that, like, it's actually a requirement, not just a suggestion for a lot of women. So try some of those out, Rachel. You got nothing to lose here. Better you find out sooner than later if this guy's into oral or he's not. Because in my kit taste, if a guy's out into oral, you know, you can lead a horse to water. You can't make him lick. This is from Anthony, 51, Ohio. Hey, Emily. My question is, due to having prostate cancer, I had the surgery to have my prostate removed. Also, I had radiation. My doctor didn't tell me the full story behind having your prostate removed, which is no more ejaculation and incontinence. My question is, due to these issues, I do not feel comfortable making love to my wife. And we go long periods without having sex. I have a very loving and supportive wife, but it's not fair to her. Also, she's younger than me, which in my view, makes Things worse. How do I get past this? Well, first of all, Anthony, let me just tell you this. My heart goes out to you because I read this. I'm like, oh, God. You know, I've heard this too. I've heard this before. And I think, how could it be that they're not telling you this? You know, because I understand sometimes when you're going, you know, especially when you hear from your doctors you have cancer. Like, they always show those studies, like, you hear 20% of what the doctor's saying, which is why you want to bring someone with you. But then, Anthony, much to my amazement, the same day we got your email, there was a study that came out, and it said, doctors don't always explain sexual side effects of prostate treatments. So you are so not alone. Basically, they just say that they don't tell men that they can't ejaculate anymore. They don't tell men that when they, you know, they're gonna have incontinence, and they might urine when they don't want to in their pants or it might be leaky or have urinary incontinence, and they just don't tell them. And I really don't understand how you miss this. Like, I thought maybe they told you and you weren't listening, or, you know, you were. You were going. I thought maybe, like I said, they told you, but you just weren't. It wasn't easy to hear with everything else going on. But what they say is that they just don't explain it. I think doctors are going about their business. It doesn't mean your doctor didn't treat your prostate surgery well, but they're just like. They're not saying, like, hey, we're gonna get rid of the cancer. We're doing this. Oh, but btw, you won't be able to ejaculate. So the news here, though, is, Anthony, I'm telling you, from a lot of men I know who have had their prostate removed, it's really just a matter of retraining the way that you experience sex. You have an orgasm, you just don't have anything shooting out of you anymore, AKA ejaculate. So I think it's just gonna take some adjustment and some getting used to. It sounds like I'm not sure how long you had it. I think probably fairly recently, if you're writing me right now. And I also think for the incontinence, there's some stuff that you could do as well. I think there's some treatments for incontinence. Right now, and you could talk to your doctor about it. And I'm going to be talking about some things on the show in the next few months that I can share with you. But I think that what might be great for you is to build back up to having sex with your partner. Because first of all, I get that you don't want to have sex right now, especially if you just had the surgery, take the pressure off. You could still just say, you know what? Let's take intercourse off the table, but still be really intimate. So you guys could, you know, you could please her. You could do mutual masturbation. You could be cuddling on the couch and just holding hands, giving each other massages. But you really have to make sure the intimacy is going. And again, like, I think that you will. You said, how can I get past it? You will get past it. I'm sure you have a loving wife, and she's younger than you. But you know what? That happens. I think that she's not seeing you as inadequate or less sexy or less manly in any way. So really, this is all in your head in a very understanding way in your head. So I think that it just can take a little bit of adjustments. Going easy on yourself, not beating yourself. I'm just learning how to adjust to this new kind of orgasm. Okay, you got this, Anthony. This is from Kyle, 38, Milwaukee. Hi, Emily. My wife and I have a good sex life. We both talk about how we believe that sexuality is fluid. Because of this, I've been curious about being with another man for some time now. My question is, how do I bring this up to her without scaring her off or freaking her out? I love her and I always want sex with her. I'm just curious what sex with a man is like. Also, does this make me bi, curious, or bisexual? Thank you, Kyle. Okay, Kyle, this is a really great question and a brave question. And I've actually been receiving more and more questions like this. Because it's true, you guys. Like Kinsey said, we're all on the spectrum. So one of the Kinsey is, like, completely straight and 10 is gay. So they say that most people, even men, you know, most women are more like a 2 or a 3 or 4. We're more on the spectrum in the continuum where men are probably like a one or two. A two. Barely anybody's a one. So I think that this is actually more common. But how do you bring it up to her? Well, first, I gotta say, Kyle, have you guys talked about your sex life? It sounds like you both believe sexuality is fluid, so that means you have a healthy. You know, it sounds like you're talking about sex. This won't be the first time, because a lot of people do email and they're like, we've never talked about it. But I feel like if you're in this trusting relationship and you both acknowledge it's. It's fluid, that you could just say, you know, let's talk about our fantasies. You know, there's some things I've been thinking about lately, and I've been thinking about being with a man. Like, just be honest. Say, I don't think. You know, I just think it'd be something to try that could be interesting. And I don't even know, Kyle, feeling you want to try. You just want to be able to talk about it. It can be really cathartic and kind of healing just to know that you can talk about it and know that you could be with a man. And sometimes just talking to her and saying, I'm feeling this way and getting this off your chest, and feeling loved and accepted for having that desire might be just what you need to kind of feel more comfortable in your sexuality. And possibly she'll be like, amazing. Like, go do that. Or she might be like, wow, that's really hard to hear, but I understand. We don't know what's gonna happen, but just the. Just the confidence it'll give you by saying that and by being your true self and being authentic and not hiding that from your wife, I think will be very, very liberating. But you know your wife better than I do. So if you have to ease into this by doing the, like, let's talk about our sex life. What feels good to you, what's been really memorable, the things I always talk about in the show, like writing down each three fantasies, things you want to try together. So I think that that's first thing is just kind of be honest with her. Because really, you guys, the more authentic and honest and straightforward we are. I know I give you guys a lot of tools about how to talk about things because we don't want to come right out and blame, and we don't want to do things at wrong times and make people feel bad. But at the end of the day, I can tell you a million different ways to say things, but as long as you're just saying it and you're speaking your truth and you're being authentic and real, it can be clunky at first, but it's the best practice, you guys, it's so good for you because once you get deeper into these relationships with your partner, you're going to realize like a whole new world is going to open up with your sex lives of being able to communicate and getting what you want. As far as, does this make you bi, curious or bisexual? Dude, I'm not into labels at all. I don't think it makes you want. I mean, I'm not even gonna tell you what it means because I don't think it matters. Like gay whatever I think right now, let's just get you into trying out. You know, you get to decide what it makes you. You get to decide why that even matters. They don't really ask you anywhere if you're bisexual, bi, curious. So I don't think it matters to figure out the label. Don't get tripped up on the label. Get tripped up on you having your sexual needs met and exploring with your partner. That's the most important thing. Kyle, thanks for emailing. This is from Kristin, 30, in California. Dear Emily, I'm 95% certain my 13 year old stepdaughter has been masturbating the tub with her electric toothbrush almost daily. But we have background. She's high risk for relationship problems due to her sorry excuse for biological mother, childhood trauma, early exposure to her mom's sexuality. That being said, I'm smart enough to know that masturbation is not going to make her more or less likely to engage with boys. She's ruined a couple toothbrushes. They aren't cheap. But more importantly, I'm concerned about hygiene. I assume the best approach is to switch her over to a water safe vibrator and teach her how to sanitize it. My mom never talked to me about sex. How do I go about this? Help. Okay, Kristen, I love this question because I've actually been asked this lately too by a few parents. Like, do I buy my daughter a vibrator? Like what do I do? Is it appropriate? Are you encouraging sex? Is it a gateway? Is it gonna make them wanna sleep with everyone? No, they're already doing it. For many girls, they' already touching themselves. And what I love about this Kristen, in your case, you know, she is like you found the toothbrush. So. And I also get your mom didn't talk to you about sex. How do you do it? Well, first of all, it sounds like you're a great stepmom. You're taking her sexual health into your hands and you understand that it's a priority for young girls to really have no shame around masturbation. But to help them along in their journey. So it's common. You guys, I hear from women all the time when I say, when did you first orgasm? And a lot of women say electric toothbrush or on the shower head. So something in water, bathtub, like that happens. So it's common. And I think, really, you just gotta be frank with her. Be honest. Like, what would you say to a friend? Like, hey, you know. And I know people are like, oh, I can't be her friend. I'm her mom. Yes, I understand that if they get into trouble, you have to set a curfew. But in this case, you're like, you're a woman talking to a woman. You're not, you know, I can't say certain things. This is what I feel. So you gotta say, hey, you're getting to be a certain age. I want to talk to you about, you know, masturbation, touching yourself. That's totally fine. And it's healthy. You know, it's healthy to masturbate. And I want to give you something that I think would help you along. And here's a toy. And you can clean it. It's really important to clean it, to sanitize it, to wash it off with, like, you know, there's toy cleaner you can get her. I would recommend the We Vibe Tango because it's rechargeable, waterproof, it lasts a long time. It looks like it's the size of your pinky. Of a woman's pinky. Let's see, in my pinky finger. And it's super pink. They have a pink one and a blue one. And I love it. The We Vibe Tango, keep it clean. I love the uv. The UV is a great system that stores, cleans and sanitizes your toys and your cell phone and your jewelry, makeup, brushes, using ultraviolet light. Anyway, it's really cool, the uv. So I would say just talk to her. Here's the thing about talking to kids about sex. If they're asking, they. They need to know the truth. Like, at the age they're asking real questions, you have to really answer them. So I would say, you gotta do it. Bring her a toy and tell her that you're available for any questions around it. It's completely healthy and it's her body. And it's okay to love it. Just don't do it on the toothbrush. I'm tired of going to the store. And I don't know if you have to mention it. She might. Because the other thing is she might be shame or embarrassment. So I say this is a great way to go. Okay, let me know how it goes. Thanks Kristen. Okay everyone, thanks so much for listening to the show. This was fun. I love hearing from you. So thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Jenny, Volunteer, Sarah, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sex with emily.com.

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