Coital Communication

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

You know Emily's not the kind of.

Girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com, check out our website. You'll love it. Lots of blogs, lots of posts there to help you have better sex. You can comment and subscribe on itunes. We love when you do that. We love when you give us five stars on iTunes or however you listen. You can listen to podcasts now on Spotify, Google Play, SoundCloud, iHeartRadio, all over the place, and also you guys. This week, you guys, is my Debut Week on SiriusXM, which is a dream. It's Sex with Emily on Sirius. It's five days a week. It's on Channel Stars 109. And I'm gonna be there Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific, 8 to 10 Eastern. And it's been so fun. So I had my first show yesterday and it was amazing. And I love reaching out to so many more people who have SiriusXM helping you guys all with, like, sex and relationships. So, you guys, if you have it or a friend has it, or tell them to listen to Sex with Emily on SiriusXM. It's actually a dream come true. It's been a blast. You can always find me on all social media, exwithemily across the board. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, we are everywhere. Okay, this is a call show. So, you guys, we had some awesome calls, you guys. So thank you so much for sending in your question, checking that box so we can set up a call. But first, a little bit sex in the news. I've been waiting for this story to come out because I'm like, am I the only one who's suffering through texting? I mean, it just kind of makes me so. It's so overwhelming sometimes and distracting. So this says dating might get better if we all stop texting. I know that's a little extreme. However, I get it. When you're first dating someone, it's so exciting when they text you and you're like, oh, my God, here they are. And then you could stay on the phone for hours and texting. And I just think if we could kind of do a limit on the texting even before that first date. There's a few levels here. I don't think you need to find everything out about someone before you meet them, because what I've found is that I've had great texting with someone before I meet them. And then you meet Them. And I'm like, can you just text me across from the table? Because you're a way better texter than talker. But also, sometimes we reveal a lot that we'd like to kind of find out on a first date. So I think there should be limits there. I think it's distracting. And I think that, like, when I first started dating my boyfriend, I was like, I appreciated that I would hear from every day. And I think that texting is important overall. But I felt like he had a lot more time. He would send me clever things and, you know, clever little texts and funny photos. And I was at work all day, and I'm just thinking, I don't really have time to respond. And I started feeling this pressure to be funny all the time on texts when, you know. And every time it pops up, you have to, like, get off message. So I thought you get off whatever you're doing. And then I actually asked him. I said to him, I said, are you cool if I'm not texting you back? I wanted to get permission to for not. And he's like, after weeks of stressing out that I wasn't being this, you know, a funny or a responsive text or he's like, yeah, babe, I don't care. I'm just sending you things. Cause I think they're funny. Which is great for me that I got permission, knowing that I didn't have to sit and text him all day long. But I don't know, you guys. I think that it's kind of good to miss each other and to not always be in touch all day long. Like, that whole, like, how was last night? Did you have any good dreams? Did you get to work okay? What are you having for lunch? Like, isn't that stuff we can find out later if we really care? And I think it's kind of good to have time away where at the end of the day, you get to catch up on that stuff. So I think there's a compulsive nature to it. And then we come to expect that if we're not in touch with them every hour, we sort of feel disconnected or, why didn't they text back? Not to mention all the time we can waste when there's so much drama. When you first start dating someone and you're like, what does this person mean by this text? You know, people have certain rules. Should I wait 10 minutes before I text them back? And I just think they can be misinterpreted, misconstrued. We get anxiety. We have uncertainty. Like, what does it mean that he just texted hi? And then you ask all your friends to analyze it and, you know, it probably just means hi, But I just think if we can kind of go back to these times a little bit or just maybe have more conscious texting is what I'm saying. We'll never go back to no texting. But do I really need to be in touch with this person all the time, or can I have a talk with them and say when I text you, I'd love to hear back, but we don't have to do it all the time or. You know, in this article, there was a couple who decided they were gonna stop texting unless there was, like, they were each running late for a date. They were just gonna talk on the phone, which I actually still love talking on the phone because I just think there's no. I mean, there's no stress, there's no misinterpreting. And you're actually. To me, that's way more intimate than sending out a bunch of words. Texting overall to me has been a problem. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I get a lot of texts in a day or a week, and I feel like it just takes you out of the moment. So whatever I'm doing, it goes off. I try to have my phone off during the day, but when it's popping up and then I think there's no way to, like, mark it on your phone to go back to it later. And then I don't go back to people. And then I walk around with this huge guilt that people are mad because they know you got the text. Like, in email, there's a little bit of like. Like, back in the day, even you'd be like, well, you know, maybe they answer it on Monday, or they don't check their emails on the weekends. Your phone is always in your pocket. And so I think there's a certain. Like, you gotta get right back to you. Or they get disappointed. But I'm wondering, like, what the statute of limitations is. Like, sometimes I try to go back, like, two weeks and respond to people, and sometimes they're happy, sometimes they're not. Like, who made the rules about all this? So I don't know. I think I'm just gonna start picking up the phone again across the board and calling people, calling my boyfriend, which I already do, and calling friends. It feels. I've been doing that lately. I just started, but it feels so much better. So I think that's how you really get the human Connection rather than just, hey, been thinking about you. You too, and then moving on to the next person. So let's try to bring the phone back this year. How about that? Common body language mistakes that destroy relationships. I don't know if these destroy your relationship, but I just find them interesting because I do believe that so much of what we say and so much of what is without words is through body language, through, you know, facial expressions. And so that's so much of communication is about body language. So crossing your arms. I remember hearing this years ago, and I've remembered this one, that if you stand and you cross your arms all the time, that can be interpreted as a signal that you're closed off and not willing to listen to what others around you have to say. And so, you know, it's like you're literally. Think about it, your arms are in front of you, and you are. You're saying like, no, I am not open to talk. I'm not available. So now I actually notice when I'm. When I'm closing my arms, even if I'm at the grocery store or in a meeting, and I just put them down by my side. The other thing here, keep your chin up. Holding your head high can give you the impression, can give people the impression of confidence. But you can also appear condescending, can also be true if a man remains standing while talking to someone who's seated. And I guess the perception is, you know, you're lording over me, you're looking down on me. And so I guess just think if your chin is a little tilted up, maybe tilt it down another one. Is pointing your finger pretty common to point at people when you're trying to emphasize a statement or gesturing to something. But I guess that could also come across as aggressive and rude, making the other person feel like they're being lectured. And since it's unconscious, I think it's something to be held aware of, to be made aware of. And I actually, I used to work in politics a long time ago. I worked very closely with politicians. And if you might notice this, that politicians, they don't point. They do this thing where they put their pointer finger and their thumb finger together and they do this thing where they're kind of. There's no point. Their finger is tucked into their thumb, and they do not point. And I kind of. I don't think I point anymore because of that, because it's aggressive. So think about your pointing. Poor posture, especially. I think this is so true, you guys. We're all sitting with slumped Shoulders our heads down. And when we do that, that conveys vulnerability and weakness, and people can lose confidence in you. Thing is, nowadays, all of our posture has declined, particularly because we all have our phones in our hand, and we kind of crouch with our head down, our shoulders hunch, and you feel like no one can see you because you're just, like, in your world. Like, you're just obsessed with your. You know, you're enthralled with what's happening on Instagram. It's like the world isn't happening, but you're hunched over and you look like, you know, I guess vulnerable and weak. So I think it's really important to people to think about sitting back in your seat, sitting up high, you know, think about your sternum. Think about breathing into your, like, pelvic floor and sitting up straight. You just look calm, confident, you feel. And the truth is, you feel more confident when you're standing up straight. So not only do you look that way, you're gonna feel that way. And it's not great for you either. You guys, overall, shaking hands the wrong way. I had to read what the wrong way was, so here it is. If you shake hands, don't put your hand on top of the other person's. That's a big no, no, because that's a power play. So it kind of says, I'm superior to you if I clasp you. So I've got two hands in the game. You've only got one in the game. And if you shake a woman's hand and you turn her hand under yours, we're more apt to notice and think, okay, power play. I know what you're doing here. So I think that there's this perception because they think you're trying to take the upper hand. So let's just stick to a straightforward shaking hands and then parting ways. None of that hand clap over and then checking your phone. You guys leave a compulsion to grab our pocket. And sometimes that can be hard to ignore, Especially we're in a social or a professional situation where people are trying to get our attention. And I just think. I think we kind of all know this now, but. But I'm definitely in meetings where people did not get this memo. I think when you pull your phone when there's, like, no reason and you're just looking, maybe there's a reason for you, right? Your kid's sick, there's something happening, your boss is calling. But really, the behavior makes you seem just rude, uninterested. And we know it can really harm relationships. It can if you're just obsessed with your phone more than your partner. So it just makes you say like, I'm better than what's going on here. I have zero interest in what you're all saying. I have to make an effort too. Sometimes I think I want to pull out my phone and I just don't. So think about it and just try to be present. You guys, I think there's so much about the phone that pulls us out of the moment. So I'm trying to do my best to stay present with all of you. I'm not even looking at my phone this entire show. Okay, guys, we are going to take a quick break. Thank you for supporting our sponsors. We have some awesome sponsors right now that I think you will love. And when we come back, I am going to answer your calls and answer all your questions. We'll be right back.

Foreign.

We are back and now we're gonna get in to your calls. God, I love these shows. I love answering your questions. It's why I do what I do. So if you have a question you want answered on the show, just text ask Emily all one word to 797979 or go to my website, sexwithemily.com, click the Ask Emily tab and always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. We have Christopher, 29, from San Diego and he wants to feel comfortable talking about sex with his partner. I don't blame you. Hey, Christopher.

Hey, Ellie. How you doing?

Hey, I'm so good. Tell me what's going on.

So, yeah, don't have a current partner right now. It's more just for, I suppose, the next relationship. But yeah, I just, I get. I have trouble with communication when it comes to sex related topics. Even kind of just talking about it right here is kind of making me a little nervous and flustered.

Hey, it's a good place to start.

But yeah, especially, especially with somebody that I'm really interested in, really like or love. I find it difficult to I guess talk about the topic and I just wanted to see if you had any tips for me to kind of like get out of my head and you know, kind of brave. Brave that storm.

Yeah, no. First of all, I love that you're asking this out of a relations too because you know that it's important and you know that like in your next one you want to be able to. So I think that's great to prepare for it and to think about it. Thanks so. Cause it's hard for most of Us. It really is. I mean, that's why I do what I do. That's why I have a job. Every day there's someone who's like, I don't know how to do it or I did it and it wasn't right. So I think here's some basic tips is that I think talking is important. So you have to learn. Like, it's like couples need to communicate about sex. The more you communicate, the better sex you're going to have for sure. So this is important. It's best to do it outside the bedroom. So you don't want to do it like after sex or when you're in bed. I think the bedroom is for like sleeping and for sex. So talk about it, you know, whatever when you're like having lunch or when you're like driving the car. So that's important about like location. And I think the other thing is like tone and time. Because I know it's a really nerve wracking thing to make it a lighter conversation, to make it more playful, to make it more fun, to make it like to be more enthusiastic and curious. So let's talk about our sex life. I think it would be like, have you any fantasies or is there anything you've thought about or have you ever even talked about sex before? Because I'm starting a new thing now where I want to talk about sex in a relationship. I mean, being really honest with someone and you want to make it about both of you. You want to make it about your pleasure, you want to make it about her pleasure. And I'm telling you, the more that you talk about it, it becomes easier. But right now it's like the fear of it is just like the fear and the anxiety and you know, what could happen is the part that's scaring you. But once you start doing it, you're gonna realize when you're with a partner who's open and receptive to it, it's gonna be the most amazing thing in your relationship. Like that actual talk and that thing that you share around, around sex, it becomes a really fun. It's almost like a, like a sport. You guys join together a class. Like when it's like talking about your favorite Netflix show, but it's actually your, your sex life. So it gets a lot easier when you start doing it. And it's kind of like ripping the band aid off when you're nervous because I could see you in a few months. You're like, oh my God. I'm not saying it's gonna be you'll still be nervous, but once you're just like, let's talk about this, it'll get easier. And just remember it's not blaming and shaming or like, why didn't you have an orgasm last night? Or it seemed like you didn't. It's more like, I just wanna get good at pleasing you. Like, I wanna know what really turned you on. Like, do you know? And you'll find that a lot of women don't. And they may never have talked to you about it. Talk to anyone about it. So it's really just. Yeah. Asking those questions and being vulnerable and listening. Yeah. So how does that sound? And breathing a lot.

Yeah, breathing.

Letting them know you're nervous. But you know how important sex is. So you, like, you're not sure. You said, you know, I know my end result is I want us both to have a good time and it's keep getting better. But right now I'm not, you know, I just want to talk about it with you, see what you like. And so that's how you do it.

Okay, well, cool. Well, thanks for answering that question. I really appreciate it.

Yeah, you're so welcome. Yeah. Good luck. And if you get in something with someone in the future, you can always email me with specific questions. But I think for now just. And talk to your friends about it too. I don't think we talk about it nearly enough. So I think like talking to your guy friends, if you have any really good girlfriends, like, once you start talking about it, you'll realize whoever you feel comfortable in your life, ask your doctor about it. Most people are so afraid of sex, they don't even ask their or doctors about it. So I think for you, a great practice now is just talking about it to people. Like, have you. You can just ask them. Have you ever talked about it? Like, I just. I think you could start doing a practice before you actually meet the person and then taking the stigma and the shame around it for you and the taboo. You'll feel a lot better when you meet that person.

I talk about with everybody. So nobody runs away. Like, even if they don't know what I do.

Hopefully, kind of probably could have seen something as such.

Yeah, no, I do. But even people who aren't expecting it, right? Like, people are like, oh, what do you do? And then you think that, like, they'd be like, oh, my God. They're always like, oh, wow, I've got a question, or let's talk about it. So really, no one's ever like, ran away and like running, screaming for the hills. So I'm telling you that most people out there do want to talk about it. I believe so.

Well, I'll put that theory to the test and see if I can.

Let me know how it goes. Okay, perfect. I love it. I think guys need to talk more. Okay, Bye, Christopher. Thanks for calling.

Bye.

Thank you. Have a great night. Bye. Yeah, you guys, I think it's great. I do think the more we talk to everybody about sex, obviously people in your life that are appropriate, you ask your friends next time you're out. Guys, I think. I love that Christopher's a guy asking this. I feel like for men it can be so limited. They might say, yes, I had sex. I did not have sex with this person or this happened or that happened. But, like, getting into the details about, like, asking your friends, like, how did you get what you want in bed? Or, you know, however guys do it, or like, talking about feelings, like, I think that you'd realize that many of your guy friends would be on board with this and your women friends, I think it's a great bonding experience to talk to your loved ones about sex. Okay, we have Marty. She's 21, in Chicago. She has a history of sexual trauma, and she had a recent sexual assault, and it's resulting in some panic attacks during sex. Hi, Marty. I'm so glad you called in.

Hi, Emily, how are you?

Hi, I'm so good, thank you. So tell me about what's going on here. Give me some background.

Yeah.

So I've been dating my boyfriend for about two and a half years. We've been long distance the whole time. And recently I went away to study abroad for a couple months. And while I was gone, I had this experience on the street. Super brief. But a guy just came up to me, assaulted me very quickly in the street, and he rode away. He was on a bike.

Okay.

And I was walking towards the bar when this happened. I didn't think anything of it. And, you know, I went the rest of my summer not really thinking anything of it. Just kind of buried it down deep. I saw my boyfriend after that for the first time. It was almost five months. And the first time that we had sex, I had a panic attack. And that had never happened before. You know, we see each other usually every three months. And that had never happened to me before. And I had a panic attack. I didn't know what was happening. We had to stop. Luckily, he was really supportive throughout the whole thing. And I was reflecting, trying to think what happened. And I think it was just a matter of. He felt like a stranger to me. We didn't have the best communication over the summer. So I really was just curious on how I can improve that communication. Because he's in the military, he's deployed right now.

Okay.

So I won't be seeing him for a couple more months and I don't want this to happen again.

Okay. Yeah. Well, first of all, I'm so sorry that that happened. That comes from him again. Yeah. And so it sounds like it could be a few things because so not seeing your boyfriend often can be really. It's very challenging to keep up the intimacy. And it makes sense that he felt like a stranger. Cause I'm sure he probably can't FaceTime every night. I would think it's not that easy to connect.

Yes, absolutely.

So is there anything. So the first thing is. And you're certain you guys are monogamous, right? And you wanna stay with him?

Yes.

Okay. And so is there anything that he can do? Like how often can you guys talk? Because you could FaceTime once a week. What's the deal?

Yeah, right now we have about a 15 hour time difference. So we talk usually like once or twice a day. And we can text sometimes throughout the day. So we try to keep it up as much as possible. But it's brief conversations.

Right. Because I think that you're going to need to have, maybe on the weekends, kind of try to have a meatier like time, like conversations and time to meet and connect in an intimate way. So if you guys can do FaceTime, even if it's once a week, but you make it like a date and you know, maybe you're eating dinner, I know the time difference. But you could be sitting and like, you know, like actually looking at him. And you could have some things like ready to talk about, like maybe had you guys ever talk about your, you know, sex life or what you want for your future, things that would make it feel like an actual date. Like if you could incorporate actually looking eye to eye even though you're not in person, it's kind of the next best thing. I think you're gonna need some of that. Yeah. So it's like a date. It's happening. I understand the time difference, but you wake up earlier, he'll wake up earlier and you go to bed later. And you'll figure it out. Because the good news is about technology now. We actually just talked about this in the show, or there was some article how, like it's actually a better time if you're In a long distance relationship, there's more ways now to stay connected, which is true. Right. You can text, you can FaceTime, there's even sex toys now that you can control through your app. Through an app. But also you want to make sure that when you are connecting, it sounds like you're going to need. And I don't know what it is for you, but just some more intimate conversation, maybe just like asking questions, talking about your sex life, or talking about things that turn you both on, you can start making inroads into those things. So I think if you guys connect on that level and then as far as your own panic attacks during sex, you know that's just anxiety. Right. That means that you were probably in your head and you were feeling like, oh, my God, he's a stranger now. And then maybe you were thinking about what happened to you this summer, maybe when you were a kid. And so I think for that, I mean, have you ever had therapy around any of this trauma?

Yeah, I actually go to therapy pretty regularly.

Oh, good. Okay.

And she helps me with this a little bit, but we focus on other things as well, which is part of the reason I was interested in talking to you is how I can bring up some of these subjects with her.

Yeah, I would just let her know and I mean, honestly, I think it'd be great to let her know because especially for sexual trauma and it might not be her thing. And like, I think you should ask her honestly and say, has she, has she ever worked with someone who's had sexual trauma and just see how she answers. Because I think many therapists can do this, but for some it's a specialty and some maybe haven't. And hopefully, you know, she will be honest. But there are certain types of therapy, like EMDR therapists. Now therapy is great. I mean, you're in Chicago. There's. It's called. Yeah, emdr. And it's sort of a. It's a treatment that people do just for dealing with trauma. And it's a very specific treatment that has worked with a lot of people with sexual assault or trauma. So I think, I think that would be great to bring. I love the charity in therapy, by the way. I think that's great. And you should absolutely bring this up to her and if she's not the one, she can maybe refer you to someone. So I think a matter of, you know, so working with her, doing some breath, some breathing work. Because really that's, if you think about it, when we get anxious during sex, you're in your Head. So if you could, when you're masturbating on your own. And I think it's really important. My final tip is that it's important for you to stay connected to yourself sexually when he's gone. So making sure that you're masturbating, taking baths, like you're just feeling more connected to your body. Because then when he comes home, it is. Not only is he a stranger, but your body might be a stranger to you too, if you're not keeping up with. With it. Right.

I didn't think about it that way.

Yeah. So you're almost like, oh, my God, there's something inside me. I haven't even had these sexual. It's true. It's like, you know, the more we do it, the more comfortable it comes. So I think, I think those are all a few tips that would really help you feel. It would definitely help you get back on track with him and give you the confidence to know that you're on top of it. And you won't be worried about this future thing that could happen because you'll know that you've done everything you can to make sure when you see them again, it's as positive and pleasing and satisfying as you want it to be. And connective.

Absolutely. Yeah. I think that sounds awesome.

Cool. Okay. I love it. So it's a plan. You got this perfect plan. I love it.

Okay, well, thank you so much, Emily.

Thank you, Marty. Good luck with this. Let us know what happens. Okay.

Thank you so much. Have a good rest of your day.

You too. Have a great day. Bye, Marty. Yeah, you guys, it is true if you're in a long distance relationship, I think this is a really good point that just because you might be tucking and texting all day long or sending photos, that not real intimacy. So if you can kind of set up a date or find ways to have really meaningful conversations, you know, asking questions that maybe you've never asked or playing little games or something. What are these games that we love? Like creative conceptions makes these really. We just got a package from them. They make really cool like board games and fun games for couples that you could do flashcards. And it might sound silly, but you guys know, not always easy to talk to our partners about sex. So if you got. Let's get listen to the podcast or you've got a little card that asks some good questions to your partner, like what's the craziest sex you ever had? Or whatever the questions are, it'll help enhance that intimacy. And as always, no matter what stage you're at in your sex life, you guys, we've got to remember to stay connected to our bodies, to masturbate, just to touch ourselves and to stay connected, because it helps with everything. Okay, we have Marco. He's 45, from Palm beach, and his wife was injured, and he feels guilty about masturbating. And he wants to know, how does he stay sexual? Hey, Marco.

Hi. How are you, Emily?

Hi. I'm good. Good to talk to you. So tell me what's going on.

Well, my wife had an accident over the summer, and unfortunately, you know, she got bruised and, you know, most of the normal things that we take for granted in life, such as sitting, standing, bending over.

Yeah.

She can't do right. And even though a bed is soft, it just. The body needs to move certain ways. And because of that, as we get what I say older, everything seems that you're, you know, doing new things and things are going great, and then it's kind of like put a big setback.

Yeah, it sounds like it in. Okay.

Right. So just trying to figure out, you know, where. Because her mind, of course, is not on intercourse and doing things like that. So the question is, can one partner be satisfied and the other not? Or, you know, like I said, like I wrote, I feel a little guilty because, you know, you sound like a.

Really good husband, first of all, you sound such. Like such a loving husband. So let me just tell you that the fact that you even can feel guilty about masturbating and you're concerned about it is really kind. So you're in a good place with that. And I think that she, you know, because it's a very healthy practice to masturbate in a relationship, you know, on your own. Like, men always are gonna. You know, I remind women to masturbate. Men not always. Like, whether they're married or not. It just important. It's a release. You need that. So I think that there should be no guilt in there. And I would think that your wife would. Would. Would want that for you as well, to have pleasure. I'm pretty sure. Right.

And I. I think. Yeah, I don't think she minds because she knows gonna get, you know, be happier.

Right.

During that time.

Exactly. And then you were saying also, though, about her sex life, so I understand that. And then you were saying, like, I think it was in your letter that she. In your email that she might not be having orgasms or she might not be wanting. You want to know she can have orgasms.

Well, meaning to go all the Way. Meaning that because.

To get her to where she needs to be, of course, is a little bit more, you know, interaction. So with that, I want to be mindful. So for the few times that we did do it, took care of her first.

Right.

And then she took care of me separately. So I didn't finish with her.

Right inside her.

Yeah.

Okay.

So is she cool? Is she okay with everything going on? I mean, I'm sure she's in pain. I understand that. I just slipped a disc this summer. I'm not in bed, but I understand it's a pain. You're like, oh, God, I can't do all these things. So that's not fun. But is she okay with. Have you guys talked about it, how you're gonna keep it? That's right.

Okay, we have. I mean, she is getting better. Going through physical therapy and stuff like that. But, you know, it's just that it's like. It's like, almost learning all over again.

Yeah, it's very easy.

I kind of have to. Right. So it's almost like, you know, like I wrote in an email, like, I have to do things for me because not that makes them selfish. It's just, you know, it's just.

Yeah, absolutely do. It's part of being a healthy, you know, healthy man. Like, it's important for you to ejaculate, to take care of yourself and to have your needs met. Absolutely. But as far as the two of you together, it is a relearning, which isn't always a bad thing if you guys been together a while. You know what I mean? Like, it's long time.

Yeah.

Yeah. So. So have you guys ever tried any mutual masturbation? Like where you're both getting off and watching each other? It could be really. If she's got a toy.

Yeah. Yeah, sometimes.

But probably not as much because you buy the stuff and it sits in the drawer and literally something was disintegrated. So I'm like, okay, I need to buy something. That's why I'm like, what do I buy? And I know I'll go to your.

Website, but yeah, I mean, I would recommend. I don't know, for her. Like, I think, because you guys can't really actually have sex. Sex now, Right? Positions, like, with you. Could you get on?

Not as much.

Okay. So I. Thank. Gosh. I mean, for you, I would love the. The Pulse. The Hot Octopus. Hot Octopus is. Oh, my God, I love Hot Octopus. They make these toys for men now that are, like, blowing. Like, I literally gave one to my boyfriend the other day, and I did not see him for like a week. He's like, it's the best thing. It's a masturbation sleeve, really. And it's a toy. It oscillates, doesn't vibrate. It's called the Pulse 3. And that's really cool for you if you want to check that out on our website. Just a kind of fun, different thing for masturbation, but for your wife. Does she. If she normally orgasms through clitoral stimulation or through.

Yeah, that way. Through clitoral.

I would say the pulse duo is one that's kind of like it has a vibration. So it goes around your penis like a cradle, but it also has a vibrating outside to it, like an outside vibrator that could like rub against or clitoris gently. You could even use it, you know, like once you roll off or with your hand. So that's kind of a fun. It's literally a duo that could be for both of you or just for you. If you got the hot octopus, you get the pulse duo.

Or if she just had the smaller vibrators for her, I mean, that I can use on her.

Yeah, I would get her the We Vibe touch or the tango. Yeah, I love the We Vibe touch or the tango. I think those are really cool. If you ever travel, she might be need to work on her pelvic floor as well. Probably kind of strengthening those muscles if she has back pain. So there's something called the bloom, and it's by We Vibe as well. And it's like kegel balls that she could wear inside of her. And if she's in bed all the time. Honestly, like, when I'm in bed, I like, just. I love doing these kegel exercises because they help build the pelvic floor. They help women with G spot orgasms, and it really just helps her have more. It's kind of a re. It's kind of a rehab thing too, like a rehabilitation device, especially if she's not been, you know, she's hurt her back. Like, she can wear the ball, breathe into it, do the program. It works with an app. It's pretty cool. So I have an iPhone app called Kaggle Camp. So that's some suggestions for you. But I think getting her clitoral vibe, getting something for you, getting some fun lubes, flavored lubes, some massage oil. Just kind of just looking at it as a challenge. But you guys are going to rebuild your intimacy without penetration, but doing some other things that could be really cool for you. Both and feel good.

Got it. You definitely gave me some good, good ideas and some products to look into. So now I'm not like going crazy at other website things. Oh my God, am I this or this good?

No, just go to our website. I feel like we've got everything you need.

I will.

Okay. Thanks Marco, for calling. And you just. Yeah, I think you guys are good here and you just, you sound lovely, so she's very lucky.

I appreciate it. Thank you.

So take care of yourself and don't feel guilty. Okay. Bye, Marco. Have a good night. Thanks. Okay, guys, you know, here's the thing. Our sex life, especially if you're in your long term relationship, it's going to change over time. And also your sex in your 20s is different than your 30s, your 40s. So in a way, think of sex as something that is not static, that is actually always changing and it's always evolving. And something that you liked last time, you might not like this time. So if you have more of an open mind about that and you look at sex as more of a practice of discovery and self exploration, I think that we'll all feel a little bit better about.

Trying new things, getting what we want and, and exploring each other. Because actually it's the variety in sex that actually makes it the most satisfying to us. It's when sex gets dull and boring that it's not so much. So I think having that open attitude, trying new things is going to help everybody. So we've Got Melissa, she's 26 from Winnipeg, Canada, and she wants to climax with her own hand and wants to know why anal feels so good to her. Hey Melissa.

Hi.

Hi. Okay, so tell me some background here. So you want to climax with your own hands. So tell me about your masturbation techniques and what's going on.

Okay, so I do it quite regularly.

Okay, great.

I usually use a bullet, you know, just over my panties. I have no problem somebody else doing it like without any clothing. Like I can count, no problem with like their fingers or whatever. But yeah, for whatever reason I can't get into the right mindset. I'm trying to discover if, if I have any past trauma that stopping me.

Right.

So stop. Let me just get this right. So on your own when you're masturbating, you're not able to orgasm?

Yes. Oh, okay, so just like with like fingers, like if I, if I use like, you know, machines, then it's fine.

Oh, I see. Okay, so if you use your own hand, you've never used your own fingers without A toy to give yourself an orgasm?

I've never been able to.

Never been able to.

No.

I've tried. Okay, got it. Okay, so first. All right, so this is how it works. And you. And you say with your partner. Your partner, no problem. Right? They put their hands there and you have an orientation. No problem. Yeah. So do you know what they do? Do you. Can you think about what feels good? What they're doing with their fingers?

Yes.

Yes. Okay. Because I think. I think.

I think there's. Yeah, Sorry.

No, do you think it's in your mind so when you sit down and masturbate, you're like, it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. You know what I mean? Because it hasn't happened.

Yeah, I think. Yeah, I think it's. It's just the fact that I know that it's myself doing that. I don't know. I. I don't have a negative idea of, you know, masturbation or anything like that.

So I don't.

It could just be. It is true, though. It's kind of like scratching your own back doesn't feel as good if someone else is scratching your back. So it kind of sounds like that's where. Yeah, I get it. It sounds like that's where you are. So maybe what's missing here is some of the. The connection to your body and the, like, eroticism around it. Like when you're masturbating, what do you. What are you feeling? Or what do you thinking? You fantasize? Yeah. Yeah.

It's all in my mind. Like, I don't even porn or anything to get off. Like, I. I imagine, you know, just the feeling of, like, that. That present moment right now.

Okay, that's good. So I think that when you're. When you're. It's kind of like a meditation practice. Have you ever meditated before?

Yes, I do meditation regularly.

Oh, good. Okay. So it's kind of like that, like when you're. First of all, take the pressure off yourself. Like there's literally nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. This isn't like a huge problem, right? You're really orgasmic. We're gonna get to your anal sex pleasure in a minute. So, like, it's all good. So really it's about you when you're. When you're masturbating and you're using your hands. Like, just kind of when your brain is thinking these thoughts, like, is it gonna happen? Like, you just go right back to your breath. Kind of like when you Get a disturbing thought during the meditation and you're like, back to the breath. It's the same thing. You could go back to, like, breathing deep into your pelvic floor. You could just kind of like, breathe into it and then breathe out. Because a lot of times when we're having these thoughts, it means we're anxious and we're not breathing. So I think breath for you could be really, really helpful. And just keep going back to, like, using your hand. It might take you some time. Right. In this mindful masturbation practice. But it doesn't mean there's anything wrong. It probably just means that, you know, there's been some. You've been probably stopping yourself. So I don't think it's. That you can't. Also. Do you use a lube? Because lube is so helpful just to go in and dry with your fingers. Does not feel as good as using some lube.

You're absolutely right. Yes, I have.

Oh, you do usually.

Like you. Yeah, I guess, you know, it just takes practice. Right, right. Meditation.

Yeah, it's practice. So I feel like you're. You're. You're close to that and you will. You will get there. But again, if you don't, that's fine to use the toys. It's fine to start with the toys and finish with your hands. You know what I mean? Or use your hands and then finish. But you're going to get there. So I think it's just a matter of there's, like, practice. Okay, I agree. Yeah. Okay, good. And then you had questions about anal, too, right? You like anal?

Yes.

Feels really good.

Yeah. I just fell in love with that this summer, actually, for the first time.

Good. Okay. Yeah. And so, yeah, that's typical for a lot, you know, for women. A lot of women, not most, but many, can have orgasms. Can have an orgasm through anal because it's hitting. So it's indirectly. Like his penis is indirectly hitting your G spot during anal because it's through the wall, like, that's shared between your vagina and your rectum. So that's why that happens for you.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow. Amazing.

And there's a lot of great nerve endings around your anus. There's so many nerve endings around the anus. So, yeah, you know what?

Ever since I started listening to your podcast, I've been, like, trying, you know, manifesting, talking to the universe. Like, I hope I find somebody that, you know, will make me fall in love with, you know, or at least try it.

Right. Oh, to fall in Love with. Oh, with anal.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And so that happened this summer.

I love it. Yay.

Yes.

Oh, my God, I'm so glad.

I love the way that you just, like, you know, you gotta be warmed up and there's just so many nerve endings down there.

Exactly. It's true, though. But, like, that's what happened for you. I love that you manifested. That works. Thinking about your dream sex life. We can all have it, you know, so. Oh, good. Well, I'm glad. That sounds great. And just know that. Yeah, just know that you're gonna practice this. Practice with different touches as well. When you're using your hands, try something different. Like, it took me years to figure out that my labia, like, my outer labia are really sensitive. So it's not just the clitoris, the pubic mound. Like, there's a whole area there. So if you make it more about, like, exploring, you might find that there's, like, different touches or movements or positions that work better for you as well because you're gonna get there. I'm not worried. But just try to try mix it up a little bit. Okay, I will.

I'm gonna go on an adventure.

Okay, good. Melissa, I love that. See, that is the attitude. Go on that adventure. You deserve it. Thank you. Melissa, you're awesome. I appreciate it. Okay, thank you.

You're. You're awesome. And keep doing what you're doing. I recommend you to everybody.

Thank you. I so appreciate it. That helps. Okay, thanks, Melissa. Have a great day. God, I love this. I'm so inspired, you guys. I mean, you can all truly manifest whatever sex life you want. She was talking about giving up to the universe. And it's true. Let's some spiritual, like, woo woo talk. But if we spend more time thinking about what we actually want in, like, a really real way, like, Melissa's like, okay, I really want to, like, have an anal orgasm or have anal sex. That feels good. So she got there, like. So I want to ask you guys, take a moment. What do you want in three to six months from now? How do you want your sex life to look, feel, taste, smell? Think about that. Keep that image in your head and keep working towards that goal. I love it. Thanks, Melissa. All right, we have Chloe, 25, from San Diego, and she's recently sober and wants to connect with with males on date. Hey, Chloe.

Hi.

Hi. Congratulations on your sobriety.

Thank you.

That is not easy. I love that you've been in 12 step program and all that. And so tell me what's going on right now.

So in addition to the alcoholism, I mean usually like it's a co occurring disorder. So I have an eating disorder and I've been working on that. But, but just like since I got sober, I've gained some weight and so I just haven't felt comfortable really pursuing men. And I go to therapy pretty regularly and my therapist said like the weight's kind of an armor from men, but I just, I have, I feel like it's not going to get any better. And I kind of was just wondering like, what advice you had, if any.

Well, all I can tell you is that it does definitely get better. I can tell you that like, I think that three years, you know, in the program and you're in therapy and you're working on all these things is, and you're 25, like first. That's why I'm saying congratulations. Because I know how hard it is to, to really get sober and to like work the programs and to get help and at your age, like you're so many light years ahead. People who are just, who aren't there, who might never stop drinking and who might never take their self help, their, their mental health, their personal health and, and make it a priority. Like you are at such a young age too. Like to me, 25, that's great. Okay, so what I can tell you is that it does change. So there's a few things here. So the weight thing, like, yeah, that's, you know, I could see that like after you're working on your eating disorder and drinking. And so I do think that you're gonna get back, it's gonna like regulate, right? Like you're gonna get to a place where you do feel good in your body again. Like that I know is gonna happen. It just will. Like you're doing the right things. So right now just kind of being kind to yourself and knowing that maybe you're not there right now, but you will get there, right? And I think it's also important during this time if you're not dating and I'll get to the men in a second, but to still be masturbating. Because I know that for many women, including myself.

When I don't masturbate as much, I feel very disconnected from my body. I'll feel more down, I won't feel as sexy. But when I do, when I start to again and I start to like give myself pleasure, then I do feel connected. And it's like this automatic. Helps with my love for my body, you know. Cause you can see all the amazing, even When I don't want to. Sometimes I'm just like, okay, you got to. It's been a while. Right. Like, having an orgasm is a good thing. So is that a part of your life at all right now?

Currently, right now, but not right now.

But.

But I have. I mean, I have done it more regularly. I was kind of. My meds were kind of off a little bit not too long ago, so I was in a bit of a depression, so I kind of got out of it. But, yeah, I mean, I definitely don't have any, like, shame behind masturbating, but I guess I never thought about, like, doing it just to do it.

It's prescriptive. Yeah. Like, it actually will kind of be helpful part of your process. And then the other thing about connecting to guys, you know, like, being sober, it's interesting. And I don't know if they talk about this in your programs, but I feel like I. Lot of friends who've gotten sober over the years, and that's always been, like, men and women who gotten sober have always said to me, like, it's always a thing. Like, they. They're like, I don't know how to talk to anyone. Like, when they first. They're like, I don't. I don't even know how to start doing it because I was always really sober. I mean, I was always really drunk or I was on drugs. And all I can say is, like, I have a friend who got sober 10 years ago, and I used to go with her on dates because she was like, I am so terrified. I am so anxious. Like, Emily, can you just come with me and, like, talk? And, like, just. And it was. And I would do that because we were best friends, and we'd do it and it got easier, you know what I'm saying? This was, like, her first year or two out, and it's just like a muscle, like, getting comfortable talking to people again and feeling good about yourself. So it's all gonna come back to you, and you're gonna be so grateful that you're doing it sober. You're gonna be like, how did I ever do it the other way? But you're not there yet. So these are all normal things, I guess, that you're feeling is what I wanna tell you in your healing process, in your recovery process.

Yeah. And I try to remember that.

Yeah.

I, like, know it in the back of my head. I'm just frustrated at a point because a lot of people in early sobriety also kind of when the drug's gone or the Drink, they get like, sex crazed. And I'm like, oh, why not me?

I see both sides.

Yeah, Yeah.

I see the pain that that usually causes too. And I'm like, pass.

Right? Like, you're not trading alcohol for sex like some people do, like trading one for the next. Right. But. But I get that. But that's one side of it. You could go off and have a lot of sex, and then that comes back. But I think taking your time and knowing that it might be awkward or you might have a few weird, bad dates or like that you feel are bad, but it is. It's just gonna come back to you, and you're gonna feel like so much more you when that happens. So I am just reminding you that you are on the right path. I'm telling you from someone I'm just meeting you now, but all the things you're telling me sounds like you're in really good hands. You're making really good decisions about yourself and your mental health and what your priorities, advertising. And that you're playing with your meds when they don't feel right. You know, you're seeing your doctor. So I think you're gonna be. You're gonna be fine here. You are gonna be great, and you're on the right path. So just kind of take care of yourself right now. And also practice just talking to people again, like whether you're an AA or at your job or school, like, that will feel good to you too. Like just talking to people, even if it's not about sex, but just feeling good, having those conversations again. Because if you think about it, all conversations can be kind of different when you're learning a whole new way of being in the the world. So those are just muscles you haven't used and you'll practice doing it again?

Yeah.

Okay.

How does that feel to you?

Thank you.

You're so welcome. Chloe, stay on the path. And I appreciate your. Appreciate for calling in. Thank you so much.

Thanks.

Okay, Have a great day. Bye. I love that Chloe said, I just want to hear it. Because the truth is, you guys, sometimes we just need someone else to tell us what we already know. Like, typically, we know the answers. We know we're not going to. Like, we know there's other single people, or we know that, you know, we can build up such a case against ourselves, which is so much easier to do, to be, like, our own worst enemies. So I'm happy to be here, you guys, to, like, help you continue to stay in the right path. Continue to make decisions that work for you and not against you. Okay guys, that was fun. So remember, you guys, check me out on Sirius XM Radio. The channel is called Stars109 and it's starting November 12, five days a week, Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm for more sex talk. It's gonna be fun. We're gonna have some new segments. It's still called Sex with Emily. So if you're on a commute, you live on the East coast, it's eight to 10. Call in. I'm really excited. Tell your friends if they're serious. So love that. And thank you everyone for listening. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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