Coming Out, Your Next Vibrator and Bi-Curious Fantasies

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I had peers in high school who we knew each other were gay, but they were tormented and I was like, get over it. We are gay.

I've been having these fantasies lately and I always want my wife to do me in the butt with a dildo.

Or, you know, one orgasm is like way not enough.

Great.

I've never called, but I was like, you're talking sex toys and exactly part of my problem.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily. Find me. Monday through Friday from 5 to 7pm Pacific on SiriusXM stars for even more awesome sex talk calls and segments. It's a great time. Also, follow me on all social media. It is Sex with Emily across the board.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Foreign.

Excited, can you tell? I am excited because the amazing John Hill is here. John. If you don't know, you got to listen to his show. He hosts the Fields on Thursdays on Radio Andy and co host of Andy Cohn Live Mondays and Wednesdays on radio Andy, channel 102 on SiriusXM. John, there's so much to cover. It's been a while. I feel like I haven't seen you in so. I mean, really, we were like talking cock rings last Time I was good. We hugged hello. And now cock rings and lube.

And now we're on zoom. I guess you can't really. Yeah. Part of being in your, like, den, you know, with all the products and the, you know, the feel is, you know, we're going to have to just imagine that over the zoom, like the most unsexy sound is happening outside my window. There's ducks that are escaped from the grove and they're like, being. They're having, like a duck fight outside my windows for that.

Maybe they're mating. Is it duck mating season?

You know, ducks. I'm not sure if you know this, but ducks are rapists.

No, I had no idea.

They only mate through rape. And they. And the female duck vagina has evolved so that it's harder to penetrate her. So it's this amazing scientific thing. Google it. I'm not.

I just realized they just rape all the time outside your window.

It's horrible. It's really, really, really bad.

So, like, I wish I actually could hear it right now. I could tell you from my professional opinion, is it actually rape? So you're saying they don't have consensual sex, they just die?

No, they're. Look it up. They mate in a very horrible, horribly violent way. And so. But it's amazing because the male duck's dick is like a corkscrew and the female's duck vagina has evolved over thousands of years to be. To corkscrew the other way so that it's harder to rape her because that's how nature works. Anyway. How are you?

That is how nature works. I'm fascinated with this sex lesson. I had no idea we didn't learn that in sex school.

Yeah, I know.

And it's near the grove, which I'm near there. So I've never heard the violent ducks, but I'm going to keep it calm down.

So I think.

Okay, I think we're all. So speaking of sex, how's your relationship? It's still, like, in the honeymoon phase.

I believe we're approaching. Actually, we are six months now.

Oh, that's the best time. That's the sweet spot. Things are still awesome.

Yeah, things are great. As you know, we were thrown into quarantine, had to live together before we really even knew that much about each other. So we had to move in together.

Wait, why did you have to move in together for quarantine?

Because I had been exposed and I had exposed him. And so we isolated together while we were all, you know, everyone was isolating. So we stayed in the same apartment, so we kind of have done this in reverse. So now we're kind of. He's gone back to his apartment and I'm at my apartment and we go back and forth, which is how you start dating and then you move in together. But so we've kind of done it reversed. We moved in together and now we're kind of sharing space, you know what I mean?

Okay, so tell me. See, I feel like that actually something I want to talk. I have a lot of things to talk to you about today, but that is one thing, because quarantine, two things happen. Well, many things happen. But for some couples, they're like, we're out. Peace out. This isn't someone I want to be with. Or you're like, okay, we really want to be together, so we got to move in. Which it's kind of soon. And I feel like that could go awry. I mean, I was going to ask this question. Funny you said this. Has living with someone during quarantine, has it broken up your relationship or helped your relationship? I've heard a lot of relationships have broken up. So then you got the honeymoon phase kind of cut in half a little bit. You said it was good. I feel like it's not good.

We knew immediately that we loved each other and that it was going to be good regardless. So we were like, we can handle. We have handled.

Insane things already. So we knew from the beginning. We were like, oh, you know what? I like you, I love you no matter what. We will talk through whatever. And I think now the six month period is like the time when you're like, now we have to really communicate about who the person is and how we're gonna function in this relationship. And I feel like that's when you're my age. I'm 42. A beautiful thing because it's not like, oh, shit, you're this way. It's like, right, oh, that's your thing. That is. That's what makes you you. And I can deal with that by communicating. You know, like, like you always say communication is lubrication. And you know, I think, you know, we always make a point to do that. We need to do that. Sometimes you get lazy, you forget, you kind of get in your routine.

It's so true. Like once you get older, it's like you, you know, like, I feel like in my 20s, I would spend like way too long in relationships. And then now after, well, it's like you've been together a year now because it's Six months. Like, if you've lived together. So now I always feel the year Mark, you're like, okay, like, I know. We know. We know who we are. We know ourselves. We're not changing that much.

But, you know, I love him so much. I like him so much. I love. How do I say it? The fundamental things about him are there. So I don't really care about any other, you know, superficial things that may happen or may annoy or whatever. And I, just for the record, am definitely the more high maintenance person. He's a very patient, loving guy. But I think, like, it's still honeymoon phase for us. But a lot of people did break up. They were like, I'm out of here. They're like, I'm out of here. But you said something. What are people hooking up now?

It's a whole thing. So since quarantine ended, we didn't end. You know, it's like phase two or whatever it is. I feel that people. There's two camps. First of all, there's the people who have been hooking up a lot, like, underground. There was this great article in the LA Times a few weeks ago about people who are like, how can I not have sex? And so they're posting on Reddit and they're like having orgies and they're. So there's some people who, like, were underground having sex. That's people. Then there's people who were quarantined and they're like, I'm doing, like, the dating apps are full. There's so many more people online now dating. And I think that people are just like, I'm just gonna do it. So I do think, because we listen, we are humans, like, we can't live without touch and sex for very long. It's not healthy. It's not good for our mental health.

Yeah, right, Exactly. I mean, it's the whole point of, of, you know, all the people that call into your show and talk to you. And I, you know, I had my friend Patrick Rogers from Grindr on my show just to talk about what's happening with gay guys in particular. And it's like, look, it's probably happened. They don't endorse that. They don't say, go hook up because it's not really safe. If you gotta, you know, keep six feet away from someone. It's definitely not safe to go find some anonymous person and, you know, have sex with them. Yeah. But, you know, if we know anything about gay men and people in general, not to make it just about gay Men.

We don't have to make any gay men.

People in general, you know, People in general, you know, it's that they're gonna do it and you just have to drill, no pun intended, drill into people that they have to be as safe as possible. And, you know, maybe you probably offer alternatives. Like Cam. Like Cam Work.

Cam work. Mutual masturbation. You could use that cock ring that I gave you if you happen to have it. It's by we Vibe and it's for. Do you know that you can use it with an app? I don't know if I shared that with you.

I do know that I have it in my bathroom and I see it every time I open it to get the Q tips. And it has a remote and you can just kind of. It's a vibrating one. And what I like about that, Cochrane, I've only used it once, but what I liked about it was that it droops down onto the taint.

Yes.

And I liked that. I liked that. The taint.

It's true.

It has a little ball down there that vibrates on the tank, which I feel like was a.

That was a. That was a crowd. Please.

Yeah, that was a. That was a surprise and a treasure.

You're like, oh, delight. That's. Is that my taint? Knock, knock, knock. Well, there's another one. Next time I see you, if I ever see you in the SiriusXM studios, which we'll be back soon, there's one called the Verge, which actually, now that I know that you're taint friendly.

Just like that. It's another kind of cock ring, but it's a little bit bigger and it's. It can go. Your balls can go in it. So you. If you so choose. And it actually is made to sort of tickle the taint.

Oh, wow. Yeah, we always talk about cock rings.

But, yeah, we weren't going. We have other things. Are you like a touchy guy? Like, do you know your love language? Have we talked about this?

We have talked about this. I definitely do. I'm an infection. I am an infectious person. I think I love to have to be touching my boyfriend, you know, at night. Yeah, touch. I'm definitely. One of my love languages is touch. The other one is what works service.

Acts of service. Oh, you're acts of service.

No, I'm not. I'm not.

That's a hard one.

But I want to be more like that because I think that's nice.

I don't want to do shit. Is that your boyfriend's? Is that his love language. Because when I have a partner whose love language is acts of service, that's a hard one because you're like, let me think ahead, how I can be of service to this person when I'm so busy I have to make you dinner at a time, filled gas in your car. I, I mean, very considerate touch. You.

Know, I like to do things like, I also like gifts. I like to give like a nice note or a nice, I think, you know. But I kind of have a little bit of all of those love languages. But yeah, I don't, you know, go like rewire the electricity in someone's. Right.

As long as someone takes care of it, I think.

So my dog is growling, so I think he agrees with you.

John, you want to hang out? We're going to take a break, but do you want to hang, John now? All right, we're going to take a quick break. Stay tuned.

So, John, I wanted to ask you because it's still Pride Month, in honor of this, I think we let you know it's about your, your coming out story because I'm curious, I think that you've been getting people, this might be the time they're like, I'm going to come out. And I know it's just not like a one time thing. It's a process. But I'm, I've never asked you this before. I know we've covered a lot about sex, but I, if you're comfortable. John Hill, we are coming out story. I don't even know how it happened. I don't know anything.

Well, okay, gosh, I can make it so long or so short. Let's see. So the long and short of it is I always knew I was gay. Always, always, always, always, always, always, always. And that was a gift from the good Lord above. I didn't, I was not tormented. I tried. I dated girls a little bit, but I was not like, oh my gosh, confused. I told people I was confused, but I was lying. I, I knew I was gay, but I'm from San Antonio, Texas. I grew up in a very strict religious Christian home. And I'll start by saying there's a lot of that that I grew up with that I take as very positive at this point in my life in terms of spirituality. And there was a while where I really resented that, but I feel like I'm taking it and using it as positive stuff now. But that being said, it was a like, no coed swimming, no dancing, no drinking, no women could speak in church, no instruments and no, just very like straight laced, show up, say hello, go home and then go back later that night and go on Wednesday night. So it's very. The people call it the Footloose religion. It's the best restaurant to have, like no music, strict. No, like, we sang, but we didn't like play instruments and go crazy. So. But I always knew I was gay. Full on. Now to put it in perspective, when I was graduating, I graduated in 96. The time was, you know, it was Clinton, it was sex scandals all over the tv and sex was a topic. So it wasn't like I had come out to people in high school. I had come out to a couple of friends. I also had. This is very important. I grew up doing theater in San Antonio and I had some really good role models. Doctors who were gay and they did community theater on the side for fun. Married guys who, you know, did community theater. And I didn't. I wasn't around this like hornet's nest of pedophiles as my mom thought that it might be for this, you know, 13 year old to go down to community theater. So she went down with me and she was like, wow, you know, these guys are so great. We didn't really talk about it, but like, she saw how great these guys were. So I had great role models and I was like, oh, when I grew up, I can just be gay and it's going to be great. Coming out story. I went to la. I came here to California, to Pepperdine university that year 1996. I graduated that May, came here in September. I came here, like, with very, like, clear. I wanted a boyfriend. I didn't want sex. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to fall in love. Heartbreaking, deep, like John Hughes movie love. That's what I wanted.

Yes.

And I got it the minute I got here at college, I knew it. Love at first sight. My first boyfriend. So we fell in love that first semester of college. So keep that in mind. First semester of college.

Pepperdine, a pretty fun place to go from Texas. From.

From.

From. No music and no dancing. Texas.

However, it is the same religion as my.

That's true.

Okay, so it was really good, but I didn't give a shit. I was in Malibu and I was used to hiding the fact that I was gay. Although people totally knew and I didn't at that point care. I didn't give a shit at that point. Because in my mind then though, I thought, I will never tell my parents because it's out of the realm of their.

They're like, no Way purviews out of their purview.

So just because they had no reference for dealing with, you know, having someone in your family be gay, they just didn't. We didn't know anybody really, except for those people in community theater. But they were kind of separate.

Right.

Fell in love with this guy. There's a lot to tell about that. But I'll skip to the fact that I start. You know, when you're first year in college, you go home for Thanksgiving or most people do. Come for Thanksgiving, go back to school for finals, come back for Christmas. I came home for Thanksgiving. And we were not a tech. We weren't rich, we weren't like a tech savvy. Like, we had one computer that year and it had email on it. And I had a university email address. And I wrote my boyfriend. We were having high drama. I wanted this. You know, I was getting the high drama and we were in a. Like, not a fight, but I was kind of. He was. He was a huge drama queen and kind of like struggling and you know, me and like this guy he had had a relationship with before. And I wrote him the email to end all emails.

On my dad's desktop. So you can tell where this is going?

Yes. Like AOL in the 90s, everyone sharing a thing. Right.

And it was. And I made sure he got mail that I. Exactly. So I signed. I signed out of that shit where I signed out and I signed out 50 times, of course. But the email popped up and while I was back doing finals in between this Thanksgiving and finals period was probably two weeks. I. They found the email. My parents found the email and they read it and it was. There is no mistaking what that email was about. It was very clear that I was in love with this boy. And like we had. It was kind of referenced.

And your parents don't know at this time? They don't. They have no suspicion that little John Hill.

He'S in doing stuff.

Theater.

His theater friends, you know, I don't know. They. No idea. Or they just can't.

When. Well, okay, so I'll skip to that part. When I came home, they sat me down and they were like. They were like, you're playing with fire, you're dancing with the devil. You know, they literally said those things and I was. And I laughed and I was like, you guys, how do you not know? How do you not. How have you not known? I thought it was just something we hadn't really talked about yet, like. And like just Broadway musical theater, dance, you know, my Entire life, you know, and they really. I don't know. I can't speak for them, but they really were rocked. And I mean, rocked to the point of tears. And they. And, like, their lives were, like, kind of really jacked for a second.

And.

But I. But my response was laughter. I didn't. I didn't feel bad. I was like, oh, my God. Like, I. And I. Then I said. And I said, you guys, I'm okay. I make good grades. I do okay. And exactly the same. It's just that, you know, I, like, everything's the same. Don't.

They're religious. Like, okay, so.

Well, they were thinking my soul would be lost forever, of course. So that was sad.

Okay, but here's my question. So now you're fine with the parents I'm wondering about. We hear from listeners all the time. They. They grew up in a very religious home. And I believe that when you have these messages growing up, there's still a part of you that maybe it's still. I don't know if it's still writing you or your parents or your. Your community. I don't know. I just think it's hard. So, first off, I love your confidence that you've been able to celebrate yourself and own it, because that is not an easy thing to do.

I just always knew. And most people. And I knew. I knew gay guys in high school that I had peers in high school who we knew each other were gay, but they were tormented. And I was like, get over it. We are gay. And that was. That is literally a gift, ironically, from God, that I was confident enough to know, like, I'm gay. And I was so gay. When I finally was talking to my parents, I was like, here's what I can tell you. I respect you as my parents. I love you, but there is zero chance of me changing. Zero. And they said, you know, we want you to go speak to a counselor who's like a reformation counselor. I went twice.

I lied and said, you're not really gay. Can you. Can you go live in this camp?

Pray the gay away? Yeah.

And.

And I was like. And I said, I have to be honest with you. I will never be straight, but because I respect you, I'll go. And I went. And this. It was just the dumbest thing. And I was like, what are you doing?

What do they do? Like, I want to know what they do when you go there. And they're like, okay, well, I didn't.

Yeah, well, they whip out the Bible.

Yeah, I'm curious.

And I had Grown up memorizing the Bible. And so I knew what was in the Bible about being gay, and it's just like, oh, my goodness. Like, okay. But so they talk about the Bible, and they say, this is what the Bible says about it. And you say, well, good for the Bible.

Go off Bible. Good for you. And. But, like, it's not changing. I'm gay through and through.

Yeah. But I think, John, that's very. That's very strong. I mean, I feel like, you know yourself. I mean, I feel like there's so many tormented stories that about.

We also had a transgender person at my school.

There's a.

What? Really? Yeah. There was an out transgender girl at our school, Jazz.

That'd be hard.

She didn't give a. She worked at the ear piercing pagoda at the mall. And it was Jasmine. She. She, like. She was Jasmine. We were like, what up, Jasmine? What's up? And it was not a big thing, even to people. She wasn't bullied. Like, we were. It was kind of an interesting time in Texas at that point.

Yeah, it is. And I think it's like, 10. Yeah, that is an interesting time. Trying to think about the 90s. We were just kind of coming out of coming out. Like, I feel like it became more common and more accepted, but not in all parts of country. And not a lot of the people who are listening, who are listening the show, they're still in places where it's not as common to come out. John, you've got many gifts. Thank you for being here. Anything.

Thank you for having me.

Can people find you? Like, I will. Yeah. Tell me everything. What can we do to find more John Hill in our life?

I was hacked by Twitter, so don't worry about Twitter. We're figuring that out. But follow me at John Arthur Hill on Instagram. Do that. But also Julia Cunningham from the Jess Cagle Show. She and I are going to do Chart Flashback. I believe it's gonna be on Starz. Go to my bio. The link is in my bio. I believe it's in Julia Cunningham's bio as well, but mine. John Arthur Hill. That's J O, H, N. Arthur Hill on Instagram. The link is in my bio. Sign up. We're doing Chart Flashback, which is a game we've played. Do you hear that duck?

Yeah.

Did you hear that?

That was your parting duck. The fucking duck, right? Yeah.

So go to the link in my bio. We're doing Chart Flashback. It's the funnest game in the world. We played it for five years. Ever since or Longer. And we're going to play it on Zoom. You can watch. It is so fun. Watch. Play along. It's. I'm so excited. It is Wednesday, 4pm Pacific, 7pm Eastern Time.

So right here on stars. Perhaps. Perhaps.

I think they're going to. I think they're going to cut it and edit it and put it on stars. But for now, Siri, it's gonna be a videoed serious moment. But definitely sign up for a spot and watch it on Wednesday at 4pm Pacific.

We'll follow you anywhere at 4 on Thursday in the fields of 4. This is also. You can find it at Sex Families, our Instagram. We did a little story. You can see the handsome, intelligent John Hill. Thank you for being here, John Hill.

I'm so happy to see you. Yet you too. Have a great, great week.

I've got toys for you. Next time we see each other. All right, we're gonna take a quick break, but when we get back, we're gonna take your calls and answer your questions about how you and your partner can find your orgasm.

Let's talk to Mike, 59 in Texas. Hi, Mike. Thanks for calling.

How you doing?

Great. Mike, what's going on with you?

I've been married for about 38 years. I mean, I'm 59 years old, fixed to be 60. We used to have a great sex life, but lately our sex life is going to crap pretty much, you know, I mean, we have sex once in a while, but I've been having these fantasies lately and I always want my wife to.

How can I say this? Do me in the butt with a dildo or, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

And I've been wondering, you know, I even think about what it would be like to suck another man's dick.

So.

Okay, yeah, I don't. I want to talk to my wife about this, but I don't know how.

Great question, Mike. Well, I'm. Thank you for calling in with this because, I mean, I know that sounds. I mean, thank you for sharing that because it's really common, Mike, that people have fantasies. You've been with one person for a long time, and, and, and it's come up for you now. So, yeah, let's. Let's talk about this. So here's the thing. You've been together for 38 years. It's a long time. And so where I would start is I wouldn't lead with, I've been thinking about sucking another man's penis. We never want to lead with that stuff.

No, I wouldn't tell her that.

Well, you've come to the right place. So this is what I recommend, Mike. So is it actually just having a conversation with your wife about your sex life? So just like, hey, I'm curious, you know, like, tell her that. How it lead. How we like to start these conversations is I've been thinking about our sex life lately, and I know, you know, maybe we haven't had a lot of sex lately, and I still want to be great lovers to each other. It's still so important to me, the sexual health of our relationship. And I'm wondering, is there anything you fantasize about? Is there anything you've been wanting to try? What's the hottest moment we've ever.

About her? I've asked her about her fantasies, and she pretty much gets mad about it. And, you know, she don't really want to talk about it. And I. She knows about my fantasies. I mean, I've offered her threesomes, and, you know, I'm offered all kinds of stuff, and I try to talk to her about it, but she won't talk about it.

Okay. The thing is, is that this is. You've been together so long that for so many people, when they don't, you know, maybe it was the way she brought up, or you guys would have a lot of practice in it. I can understand that, or hear this a lot, that people just aren't comfortable with it. They're not, you know, just. It feels still wrong somehow to talk about your sex life, even though that's so intimate and so important in a relationship. So it really is a practice. I think there's different ways to talk about it. I mean, is she your age as well? She's in her. She's in her 50s. Late 50s.

Yeah.

She just turned 59.

Okay, so we're.

We're about the same age. I'm six months older.

Yeah. I mean, the thing is, it's really important. So I guess it's hard to change when you've kind of your whole life, you've been like, I'm not talking about it, but I think that there's a way of saying it. Say, you know what? I know that this is uncomfortable for you, but it's really important to me that we continue to be sexually healthy. And for me, that really looks like having conversations about it and exploring. And I know we haven't been having as much sex lately, and I believe that it's because we. We, you know, we need to explore. I mean, Mike, you're not alone. Like, couples who've been together as long as you have, they. They. We crave variety. We want different things. What we wanted 10 years ago, 20 years ago, we don't know now. And the thing is, Mike, and why I will always, you know, every night, have calls and have this job, which I love, is because I'm just getting people to open up and realize it. Like, this is something that you need to talk about all the time in a relationship, and if you haven't, you know, got to start now. So, you know, I just think it's. It's that it's just letting her know why you want to know, like, about her fantasies and why it's so important.

When we was younger, I mean, she used to be into all. I mean, we used to use toys. We used to. I mean, all kinds of stuff. And now she don't even like to use toys. It's just, like, she cut off one one day, she threw everything out, and that was it. Like, she don't even give me blow jobs anymore. So.

Really, you know.

Really?

Oh, Mike. I mean, this is the thing. I mean, maybe she went through menopause and her sex drive took a nose dive, and that happens with women. You know your wife better than I do, and people learn differently. So a lot of couples listen to this show together. I have tons of podcasts they listen to. Maybe she would read something other. Some great blog posts we have or articles you could find that would allow her to see that it's actually really important for her to participate. You can't just opt out of sex in a relationship. It's like saying, oh, I'm no longer taking care of the kids. I'm no longer taking out the trash. I'm no longer make. You know, it's like. It's just not. I just. You know. But I know that that's, again, a practice. She's gonna have to understand that. But I. You're not wrong in wanting what you want, Mike, Even if she's, you know, not on that page right now.

And so other than that, I mean, I wouldn't give her up for anything.

To where?

I'm not saying that I want to turn gay. I'm just saying that I'm curious and I'd like to experience different things. And, you know, at my age, I mean.

Yeah, of course. When? If not now, when. Well, Mike, again, though. So would you think if she's not into sex at all, you could.

I do think she's not into sex.

Okay, well, listen, I've heard you could say to her, I know that you Know I love you. We're not going anywhere. But I have been curious and I've had some fantasies, and would you be open to me exploring them? Because I. I have. I have needs that I. I need to get. I need to get met and I. And I. Would she be open to it now? I can't. I don't know. I mean, I can just picturing your wife being like, oh, that's horrible. I don't know your wife. And so if I don't think it's.

Again, she wouldn't go for any of that.

Trust me.

Me, I've asked her, told her that, you know, I've got fantasies, and I want to know your fantasies. And hell, she won't even tell me what she fantasizes. Fantasizes about.

Yeah, she might not have any. Some women don't have fantasies. And that's why. I mean, I didn't have fantasies. I had to, like, figure out what turned me on and what. Like, I had to work at that.

You know, I hear you talk about.

You'Ve been with women, you've been with me, and I mean, we're. I'm assuming that you're by.

You were.

Were bi. Curious, and you wanted to see your experience things and.

Yeah, yeah, I've been figuring it out.

You know, I read all these things online and say, oh, it feels good when they stick and a dildo up their butt and, you know, or their wife screws them and, you know, I fantasize about all that.

Yeah, well, you, Mike, it's common. Listen, you have a prostate. I don't know. Prostate? If I had a prostate, I would be doing that all day long. Because it doesn't mean you're gay. There's so many men. It means that you're, like, curious and. And you have the sexual organ and you want to explore. So maybe your wife would get on board with that. Would she get on board with penetrating you?

Well, I've. Like I said, I mean, she used to. I've. We've had a toy, and I've stuck it up my buff 4, and I think it turned her on, and she kind of pumped a little bit, and, you know, and then that was over. And now once you throw away the toys, I keep texting her stuff like, you know, I'm gonna go to the. The dirty store here and, you know, get something for you to do.

Me.

I know that always turns you on. And, you know, she never answers me back about anything, so I don't know if I should or I shouldn't you.

Know, it's like, well, Mike, I think.

That you needed an answer.

I know. Mike and I don't think over text. Then we know that she's just like, oh, God, I. I don't want to respond to this because she's been so shut down sexually probably for a while. You know, we have to keep our pilot light lit as women if we're still not feeling it. So it's like masturbation and being sexually healthy. So, Mike, that's.

You don't.

You don't masturbate.

Trust me.

It sounds like she's not doing anything, and that's like, not okay. So I'm sorry, Mike, because that's not easy. Listen, you are not. You need to get your needs met as well. And so maybe it's changing the conversation from just saying to her, hey, I'm gonna go buy a dildo, to hey, we gotta have a talk. Like, and this is the talks that you have. Not when you're drinking and not in the bedroom and not next time she would, you know, says no to sex. It's like, however, you have a conversation with her in a place that, where you are, you know, kind of like relaxed and there's not, you know, a lot of other stuff going on and you don't have distractions. You just say, I really need to talk to you about something serious. And I. I really miss our intimacy. I really miss our connection. And I know we have had late lately, and I really. It's really important to me that, that I continue to be sexually healthy and I'd like you to be with me on this journey. And so again, she's gonna see what she's. She says in that way and tell her how it makes you feel when you feel disconnected or how it makes you feel like you can't. You know, that there's a part of you that's missing and, and that you need this because you do need it, Mike. And I hear it in your voice, and I want you to have that. And again, you've been with her for 38 years. This is about education. This is about continuing to have a talk with her and letting her know how important it is to you. And so, Mike, I don't know. We've got a lot of stuff on our website, a lot of blog posts about this. I want to help you with this, but I would just try to have a really heartfelt conversation with her. And listen, what does she need? Maybe there's some resentments. I don't know, maybe she's like, well, I'm not having sex because that time you. Blah, blah, blah. But, Mike, find out more, be a good listener and then call me back to have the conversation tonight. Call me back tomorrow, or call me back next week, and we'll have you take the next step. Just try to have a different kind of conversation with her. Okay? Thanks for calling, Mike. I appreciate you. Let's talk to Ella, 31 in Oregon. Hey, Ella, what's going on? Thanks for calling. Hi.

Hey, great. I've never called, but I was like, you're talking sex toys and. Exactly. Part of my problems.

But I have you got you. What's going on?

So I currently am just bored with my vibrator. And it's really the only second one I've had. And at the same time, I've been like. In the past sort of three years, I've had a lot of dryness, some pain during sex.

And I only can ever sort of get off clitorally. And so I'm just sort. I guess I'm sort of like, I want something new. And I've. I've listened to you sort of talk about, like, the intensity because I'm like, maybe I need to work on my Kegels. And I've heard you talk about the womanizer, and I'm like, that sounds great. And I'm an analyst, so I'm like, I just don't know, sort of what I do.

Okay, so there's a lot to unpack here, Ella. So, yeah, you've been listening. So you know all the toys. So I think. Okay, so really, the thing. How often do you. Pain and what. What kind of pain? Because that's when you kind of gotta start.

I spoke a little wrong when I was speaking, but I've been listening to you for years. So I'm also like. I haven't had sex in three years. The pain was before that.

I think. You know, like, I work with my acupuncturist and naturopath on, you know, sort of my libido and all these other things. The pain was more just like when sex. Kind of like how you were just talking that, like, burning thing.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So really then it's more about clitoral stimulation and maybe strengthening your. Your pelvic floor. So which. What vibes do you have now that you're tired of?

I just have the We Vibe. The We Vibe rave, I think it is. It's, like, purple, and it's got like 10 different.

I bought it because I thought I wanted to work on my G Spot. But I never use it for that.

You know what's funny? I. So I love that I used to call it the G Spot gps. The Rave. We're talking about the Rave by we Vibe. And it actually is a really cool toy for stimulating your internal nerves. And I am telling you, Ella, I'm saying that I would get an internal toy. And the truth is, the most popular toys are actually clitoral toys. So there's way more clitoral toys on the market than there are internal toys, and those are the more popular because the majority of women are just gonna have orgasms through their clitoris. And so that would make sense. But what I found, though, is because even before I started this job, if I got an internal toy, I was never inspired just to, like, stick it in. And so what I learned to do is that when it helps to already have, like, a clitoral orgasm or to already be aroused.

And so having that, like, since even having an orgasm first, because then it becomes, you know, the blood's flowing, we might get a little wet, more wet and turned on. And so that's when I've been inspired. And sometimes I use two at the same time. Like, I'll use. And this is how I experienced my first blended orgasm, was using a clitoral toy and the Rave.

So. So I would still keep going with it. Just make sure you use lube. But. But did you. So you don't actually have a clitoral toy. You have the. The Rave, which is the G Sp.

Yeah.

Oh, okay. Yeah. So are you sensitive? What kind of pressure vibration do you like on your. And your clitoris if you've tried that before?

I feel like I like a lot. Like, sometimes, like, even when I'm trying to use the we vibe, I'm like, there's just not enough power.

Well, because it's internal. It's an internal one. So that's why. You're right. There isn't.

That's probably why.

Okay, there's a few options for you. So we have a new one that we just got that is by. It's called New Sensual. And they make this bullet vibrator that is really powerful, and it's waterproof, and it comes in this cool little case, and it's. It's just a bullet. So it's a bullet vibe. Do you what I mean by that? It's like, you know, it's. It's.

Yeah.

So. So I like bullets. For more direct little stimulation, I also recommend. And one of my favorites is the we vibe is Their touch. And the touch is great because why I love the touch is because you could kind of fit it in the palm of your hand. And something else I learned through my own self pleasure is that it wasn't just my clitoris, it was my labia because that's also the clitoris, you know, has legs, not just the clitoris. It extends, you know, into your labia and also, you know, behind your labia internally. And so so anyway, that one can stimulate all of them and it's powerful. That's what I recommend right now. Yeah, so try. I also love the Jeju Mimi. I'll give you one more. And then the Mimi is one of my first loves. That's also a great one. I would check them all out on my site, but I think you'd go with the bullet or one like. Those are similar. The Jaeju and the touch are both kind of palm size. Great to use with a partner or yourself. And they actually all are great T shirts. Partner. Does that help?

Okay, those are good suggestions. Yeah, definitely. I was like, I feel so lost. I'm like, I don't know what to work on if I'm only going to pick one.

Yeah, there you go. And you can get it and call me back. I'm here. Let me know.

Thank you.

Okay, thank you. Thank you for calling. All right, let's talk to Daniel, 31 in Illinois. Hi, Daniel. What's going on? Thanks for calling.

So I've been in a monogamous relationship for a very long time. Very satisfied, really love my partner, think the world of her, and would never ever in a million years cheat. Totally out of the question. And I'm completely focused on building a life with this woman. At the same time, I have a pretty big dick. And I wish that there was a way for more folks to know that. I think part of this is tied to my psychology and kind of internal reward structure being really attached to external validation. I think for better or worse, like societal programming has kind of tied being successful in the sexual arena to. To. To that kind of physical aspect.

Yes.

So just curious how you would think about that. Obviously this isn't like there's no infidelity going on. There's no desire to do anything like that.

Right? No, I think it's interesting.

Interesting.

Yeah. No, Daniel, thanks. I have a few things to say to it. First off is that you said that this is how society is. I'm gonna address this one my by one. The first thing is, is that you say this is how society views it. So if I'm a great lover. Like, we value a large penis in society. And I'm here to tell you as an expert, that's actually not 100 true in the sense of not every person who's with a penis is like, that's the most important thing. And I think you actually, you said they're better lovers is the part that I want to hone in on. And that is also not necessarily true. Especially you said you're with women, you're with a woman. And, and for many women, the penis is not where all the magic happens. Being a great lover is so much more than your penis. It's about how, you know, how attentive you are, how much you want to take care of her needs. You know, do you give her pleasure, orgasms? Do you listen, do you want to fulfill her fantasies? Do you kind of figure out what those are? That's what an incredible lover is. Not so much about the penis. And I can tell you, 15 years of experience with all the callers and emails and shows and all the things it's always been about, how do I talk to my partner about this? How do I get my needs met? How do I, you know, so that's the first thing. And the second thing is, Daniel, about you saying that that's you have this external reward system. And, and I really love how you've taken the moment to kind of think about, like, why do I want this? But I would also say, like, I don't know how that would be healthy because you're not a cheater. But letting anybody else know, whether it was like sending a dick pic or, you know, letting a neighbor know or somebody at work is going to backfire and is not going to be probably get the reward that you think it's going to. So I would ask you, what, what are you, what are you really needing right now, Daniel? Like what? Like you have a lot of success, you're in a good relationship, everything's going great, but there's still like something that you're craving right now. You're craving this external. External something. And typically that's, I would say, yeah. Do you have an answer to that? What do you think?

Well, I was just going to say, you know, I heard you talk about the Buddha a little bit, and it's interesting. I've been exploring Buddhism kind of on and off for the past year. I was raised Christian, so it's a very new kind of school of thought for me. But the reason I've been exploring it is I believe I need to Execute a shift in my mindset from external validation to internal validation broadly throughout my life, not just in this particular arena. So I don't know if I have an answer, but when you phrase the question like, hey, what do you need?

That's kind of the thing that pops into mind, this broader rebuilding that I'm going through.

Well, Daniel, I love that you said that because, yeah, I would say card with the Buddha and like, the universal law of suffering, that we're all going to suffer and that. What's that about is if we're suffering, most of suffering comes because of our unexamined thoughts. Right. So the whole thing about. So if you've been curious about it, what. What has really helped is. And this is a universal is. Is meditation is journaling. But. But going back to meditation, what that does is that allows us to actually do the deeper work, the inner work that I think you're craving. Because you. You said it, Daniel. I was going to say a lot of our. A lot of these stuff that we crave externally, I need validation. I need money. I need the car, the wife, the family, the house, the job actually doesn't fulfill us. Like, once you get there, it's never that fulfilling. This is also something that's sort of a, you know, a trope. But then what happens is once we, you know, try to do more of this work, we realize that when we do the inner work, that it's more about connection and relationships and gratitude. So I think you're on a great track, Daniel. The first step is search. Researching it and being like, oh, yeah, you know, maybe there's something here with this Buddhism.

Yeah, Yeah, I. I appreciate it. Dr. Emily, I know this sounded, you know, kind of goofy, and I appreciate you taking the call seriously and.

No, absolutely. Yeah. Good. Thank you, Daniel. Thank you for calling. This is a great call. Really, I appreciate it. I think that helps a lot of people, too. How about that? I mean, yeah, I could have been like, come on, you know, you can tell everyone you have a, you know, big penis and are you going to send it around? I just pictured him, like, flooding everyone's inbox with dick pics. Never a good idea. That's an unsolicited dick pic. But really, that's just. I love that. I mean, it's. So. That is another universal truism. That's, you know, there's so many ways to say, like, that's what we are seeking is within us. Let's talk to Bill and Barbara in Colorado. Hi, Emily. Hi. You guys calling together?

Yeah, Say hi.

Hi, Barbara.

We're driving and we've got. So tired of listening to all this news. I listened to volume a lot on 106 and then I moved up to 108 and we just started listening in the last 10 minutes. And the first call we had was a lady looking for a vibrator. And my wife and I. Who's she? Can't believe I'm actually calling. Okay, but can you believe I'm calling there?

We're on 108.

We're on.

We're on 109. But anyway, keep going. We're on stars. We're on channel.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You know, a branding thing here. All right, all cool.

Yes, 109. But anyway, I just wanted to let the people out there know that, you know what, what I've heard you say. What we've heard you say is after 20 years of marriage and kids, you know, we started being more open and going into the adult shops and. And really asking questions and doing some research to find out what the best products are for, particularly my wife. And it's really pretty easy. They're pretty open. At my age, it's hard to satisfy her for a long period of time. So these vibrators have come in great. And so anyway, we just thought.

I'm a huge fan. I love, first of all, I love when couples calling together. When I saw Bill and Barbara, I was like, we're talking to Bill and Barbara because it's very fun to talk to couples. And I love what you're saying and it's super inspiring. And I agree. Like, what a fun day. Night. Go to a sex toy store, see how they've changed. I think people still picture when I grew up in Michigan, Bill and Barbara, there was this sex toy store. It was like off the side of the road, like off the highway. And it was like you had to go there and you're like, oh, God. Like it was some kind of weird place. But now they're like, they're really helpful. They have body safe materials. There's so many toys. So what did you get? Do you remember what you got?

Oh, yeah. Well, I will tell you without, you know, making it sound like we're total addicts.

So I would never judge.

Okay, you would never judge?

Okay.

No, you just started listening. But that's kind of my jam not to judge you.

Okay, good. Well, you have a great voice and. And I will tell you, all this crazy stuff going on in the world, there's got to be something else Besides Covid and the other stuff. So here we are with you. But anyway, we had a. Evolved. It's evolved. I'm sure you've heard of it. It's a vibrator. It was called a wild Orchid. It had the two buttons on the side, and it worked great. Well, the dog. The dog found it and tore it to pieces.

Hey, when that happens, I'm not kidding.

I'm not kidding. I've never heard it before. I happen to go up into the bedroom, and there it was, all over the floor. So what happens next is we end up having to go to a couple places, and we found one that was evolved, because I really believe in that product. They have warranties and all that stuff. And it had, like, a little toothbrush, has this clitoris piece, you know?

Mm.

You know what I'm talking about?

Kind of. It looks like a toothbrush. Okay.

It's got the regular long. You want to explain it? Okay, well, it's got the long. You know, it's got the piece for the vagina, and then the other piece that goes on the clitoris has. Looks like a little. It's got a little. It rotates circularly.

Oh. I think it might be the one that I have. Right. I was looking at it that. Like, the Zumio. Does it look like a toothbrush? Because it rotates. The little tip rotates around.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yes. I love that. Because it pinpoints. Yeah. Tell me everything.

Yes.

But I. But I will tell you this without getting too carried away. We bought one of those wands.

Where you just. You kind of rub it on the clitoris piece and.

Right.

It is, like, the best of anything for her.

Yeah. Was it like a magic wand? Like, it's a big wand.

Yeah, I know.

Go ahead.

No, you go, Bill. You're. You're very. I love this. No, imagine a wand. A wand is an excellent. It's like a wand is a category of vibrators for clitoral stimulation, the wands. And they're just excellent. I mean, if women have more challenges around orgasms, they just want more than one or they just want it to be a little easier. It's the real deal.

You know what? When you said, if a woman wants more than one orgasm, my wife went ear to ear because one orgasm is, like, way not enough. And, well, I'm just telling the truth. And so, like I said, I can't. You know, I'm one and done. But that's why we have these toys for her. But I will tell you the other thing about the wand.

The.

The other side can be used as a vibrator.

Oh, wow. I. I don't know which one it is. That's a. Oh, you mean because it's supposed to. Or you flip it around and you use it as like a.

No, no, because it vibrates as well.

The handle. I have no idea which one this is, but it sounds fabulous. You guys are a good time. Bill and Barbara, you are a good time. Don't be embarrassed, Barbara. I know you just joined me here on Stars109, but I'm here five nights a week, 5 to 7pm I'm live right now during COVID 5 to 6pm.

Can we ask one more, please? So we have. We have fantasized about having a third person.

Okay.

But we haven't pulled the trigger.

Okay.

And. Yeah, I mean, you don't know who you're getting. You know, who might be coming over. You know, we're not the youngest people in the room and.

Right.

So what do you do?

Well, first off, I want to make sure that you're both on board. Barbara, I can't. Can't hear you. But are you on board with it? Are you interested in having another. A third?

I don't know yet.

All right, so that's always my. Okay, well, you convince her and then call me back. Because here's the thing, Bill. After all these years, she was like, how do I get my partner to have a threesome? How do I get my partner. It doesn't really happen that way because you don't want to convince your partner into doing something that they're not quite have their mind made up on yet. So. So. So I get it. Because some people are, like, not sure, but they're like, maybe. So my next step for you would be for both of you to sort of fantasize and about it and all of your play time. Maybe you could do some, like, dirty talking around. Like, I'm picturing this other person. Are you picturing a man or a woman or other?

I'm picturing a woman. I really never asked her yet. Are you picturing a man or a woman?

Well, okay. Well, we have to. We have to settle on the sex, that's for sure.

Yeah, you do, because that's a big conversation, man.

Yeah, that's going to be an interesting conversation.

Well, there you go. There goes your night. But this is a really good conversation to have because now you know. Right? I mean, so now you guys can talk about it. Maybe it's one time it's a man, the next Time you have a woman. Right. It's only fair. Doesn't mean you're gay, though. A lot of men are like, oh, no, I can't imagine it. But really just unless you. I don't know what you're into, but I think for some men, like she can tell you more about her fantasy. You know, it be fun if, if you went home tonight and you wrote down each one of you like described to each other. Maybe you write it down or not what the fantasy looks like. Like what she pictures with the other man being there. And then you picture the other woman and then. Yeah, that's hot. I think it can be because you guys are in a good. You're solid 23 years. You're buying sex toys. If you feel comfortable with that.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we're. We're solid. But, you know, that's a good idea. We could write it down, you know, kind of compare notes.

Compare notes, write it down. Yeah, whatever works. It's really hot too. So what I say is for a lot of couples who are. Yeah. Trying to have a third before you just go out and do it. I love that. I role playing it dirty talking, talking about it and then you get. Let it sit with you and see how does that feel? Does it make me jealous? Does it turn me on? What elements of it are great. And then, then you go from there, but you don't jump. You don't go from zero to threesome.

No.

Barbara.

Thank you, Barbara. Do you want to say anything?

No, I'm good.

All right.

Okay, thanks.

Stay in touch. Lots of love.

Bye.

Take care of yourself. All right. Business with Emily. Find me Monday through Friday from 5 to 7pm Pacific on Siri. Sextime stars for even more awesome sex talk calls and segments. It's a great time. You can find more at sex with emily.comsxm also, follow me on all social media. It is sex with Emily across the board. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwith emily.com.

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