Communicate Your Sexual Needs

I can't tell you over the years how many men have emailed and said that they feel shame about it, that they're in the basement hiding and masturbating so they're, you know, no one finds out. And then they feel this terrible guilt and shame after. Some have it because they're hiding from their wife. Some have it because they grew up in an environment where it was shame to ever masturbate. I would love to all of you and all the listeners and you, Dan, to start, you know, being your own best advocates for masturbation. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. There are wants and then there are needs. Sexual needs, to be precise. Well, in today's Ask Emily show, everyone has that one need that they're longing to satisfy. They just don't know how to do it. Well, good news, the sex expert has arrived, and I'm here to help you take that next vital step. If you want a hotter sex life but your partner shuts down around sex convos, I've got communication tips. Or how about when you want your partner to have a crazy orgasm but you just don't know the right techniques? Yep, I talk about the great ones. And finally, if your partner desires a sexual experience like swinging but you're not so sure, what in the world do you do? Answer? Well, you listen to this episode because I promise for every sex problem, there is a path forward. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It really helps us get the show out to more people and we read all of your reviews. And check out my new articles, 6 Ways to Use Cannabis for Sex: A Guide and How to Increase Your Chance of Orgasm During Sex on sexwithemily.com. If you wanna ask me a question, just call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX, or 559-825-5739. Just leave me your questions or message me sexwithemily.com/askemily. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. We have Mackenzie, 30, from Florida. Tell me what's going on.

So my husband and I have been together for 10 years, and twice within the last, like, 8 months, he had been talking to other people, like, outside of our marriage about, like, how, like, our sex was boring and I was never going to change and all this stuff.

That's really hurtful. That sounds really hard.

But our, like, sexual— I guess the way we're, like, sexually charged has always been kind of off. He's always, like, constantly asking me like what I want to do. And I— my husband's the second partner I've ever had, and he has had many more than just me. So we're kind of like off there. And so I guess just like trying to figure out like where we can kind of be on the same page, like sexually, or just like, you know, when I'm like going forward with doing things and what he's asking, then he's like telling me that things are fine, but then Obviously.

How did you find out that he was talking to other people about your sex life?

Um, I read it on his phone.

Yeah, I'm, I mean, that sounds like that's really, really hurtful, and I don't want you to justify the other things that have been happening. That still doesn't feel good. So I just want you to know that because I— you said it, you're like, but all these things have been happening, and it sounds like there's a lot happening. You're not, you're not able to have children, things have been tough, it's been 10 years, you're 30, and you've been together since you 20. Yeah, it's a long time. Yeah, it's a long time to be together and having only one other partner. A lot of people, that's the time where they explore and they masturbate, they date other people, and they figure out what they actually like. You haven't really had any breathing room to even sit down and think, well, what does Mackenzie like? What actually turns me on? And if the sex has been a lot of focused on penetration and his pleasure, then there's really not a lot of room for you. So in a sense, I get that. I understand that he's asking you what you want, what turns what turns you on, and then that could feel a little bit stifling because you don't have the answer. Maybe don't know what to do, what to find that answer. And so do you think that he would be interested in partnering with you on figuring out what you do like and who you are as a sexual being and what turns you on?

Yeah, and we've definitely talked about that before, where, you know, because I've said, well, you know, obviously I don't have as much experience as him, um, and that was something that he said, well, that's something like that I want to experience with you. But to me, it's almost like Yeah, we've experienced obviously different things as we've continued to move forward with our relationship. You know, it's not like we're just having missionary sex for the last 10 years. But to me, it almost feels a little bit different. It's not like, yes, I am experiencing those things, but it's not like apples to apples in comparison.

So it sounds like you're kind of on this experience thing. Is he also your age?

Yeah, we're the same age.

Okay, so maybe he had a few sexual partners before you. I mean, there's this, there's this notion that I'd like to debunk right now. A lot of people think that like an experienced sexual partner has to do with the number of people that we've slept with. Oh, well, they've had 60 partners and I've had 2. And so I'm showing up and I'm already behind the 8 ball here because, you know, I can't possibly keep up with that. But I can tell you that there's a very, that being a skilled lover has a lot less to do with how many people you've slept with and has to do with being somebody who is curious, who pays attention, who has learned with a partner how to fulfill each other's needs. And they communicate and they talk and they evolve and they grow together. So I, I would love you to be less hung up on that and more like coming together on this, this sex life of yours and saying, what, here's the state of it as I see it, and what can we do to build a new version of our sex life? 10 years in, our 10-year anniversary, let's commit to setting a plan. For our sexual future. And I think that would involve, if he's so curious about what you want in bed and what turns you on, you guys could do have some nights where maybe you're doing some mutual masturbation or, you know, you're going off taking time for yourself to masturbate and to really think about what turns you on. But I didn't know when I wasn't married in my twenties, it took me a while. Like I had to really focus on it and study and learn. And I'm still learning. Like that's the other thing. Like you don't get to a point where you're like, I have enough experience with sex and now I'm gonna move on and take up golf. Like it's really just part of your, become an expert golfer or something. Like, you really are on growing with every decade, every year.

He wants to know, like, what I want or what I want to do, and I just— I don't really know how to kind of portray that to him just because, like, I don't know, there's, like, things that I see and I'm like, oh yeah, that seems like it would be fun, but it's not like, yes, I would love to do that.

What if you said to him I really realized that I actually don't know what I want. When you ask me what I want, I would so love to be able to answer that question. However, I've learned that there's some, there's something I need and I really need your help with this. I'd like to set aside time where we're exploring together. Maybe one night's all about your pleasure and he's pleasing you and he's going down on you. And it's, it's, it's patience too. It's learning to kind of slowly you know, touch your body, give you a massage, and then you're really mindful saying, well, that felt good. I'm not sure about that. Maybe you can go harder, faster, slower, you know? And if you don't have fantasies, that's fine too. You can watch some porn together. For many vulva owners, we just don't all have fantasies. A lot of penis owners don't either. So, and that's okay too. It's all okay. But if you'd like to know, have fantasies, or you'd like to get more curious, it really is a combination of educating yourself. So I love that you're listening to the podcast, surrounding yourself by sex-positive people, follow other sex accounts on, on Instagram, read some great books about sex, and then just start to kind of bring that into your relationship together and say, I would— will you come on a journey with me to really learn about who I am sexually? And then we can grow together. Does he know that you found the, um, the texts in his phone?

Oh yeah. I mean, we are like, we're going to couple counseling, and she actually like has an extensive background in like sexual behaviors and affairs. So we just started.

Great. Well, that's really great self-care, and I love that you're both going, which is incredible. I can't tell you how many times there's couples where one person, partner, doesn't want to go. So you're both showing up. And so now I think it's just time for you, Mackenzie, to show a little bit more, uh, vulnerability about, you know what, this is really awkward. I actually feel bad that I don't know. You could even say you talk to me, listen to the show, and I realize that I have a journey to do. I have to figure it out. You know, we did a great podcast with John Gottman and he talked about, uh, a couple that was sort of similar in the sense of he had a lot more experience. She didn't. They were together for a while and they took sex off the table. And she spent about 8 months saying, you know, they were still intimate in other ways and doing like the reason, like the homework on her own self so she could come back to the relationship knowing who she was, knowing what she desired. And I believe there's nothing sexier than a partner who actually really knows what they want in bed.

Yeah.

So you just got to do a little— some self-care, self-searching here, and, you know, hopefully he'll be on board with it.

Yeah.

Thank you.

All right, Mackenzie, thank you for calling in. I really appreciate it.

Thank you.

It's gonna help a lot of people too. Thank you.

Bye.

Bye. You know, I can't say enough how much Talking to your partner about sex often and sharing your vulnerabilities and letting 'em know where you're at and how important that is to really change the trajectory of your sex life. And I'll say it on every show, communication is a lubrication. And the other thing I wanna add to that, I can't say this enough either, is that listen, experience is not about, it's not a numbers game. I don't care how many people you slept with. And I can tell you firsthand, I've been with many people who are like, oh, that person slept with all these people and they were not my best lovers. Maybe they're like, for them it was a numbers game and they just kind of kept knocking. Now I'm gonna do this one and I'm gonna sleep with 100 people. And now that means I'm a great lover. No, it doesn't mean anything. I've eaten a lot of meals, doesn't make me a chef. 'Cause I hear this a lot. People are so nervous that they don't have the experience. The great news here is that every time you're with a new partner, it's a new beginning. You can learn what your partner likes, what you're into, and the way you're gonna have sex with somebody, with a new partner, it's gonna be very different than how you had sex with someone else. So essentially, every time you're with someone, you're starting again. And what makes a skilled lover is someone who is open and curious and honest and vulnerable and pays attention, who likes to give and receive. Those are all the things that, that really contribute to be a great lover, not how many people you've slept with or any really techniques per se. That's how I feel about that. Let me know what you think. This is from Dan, 25, in Washington. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a married man, but I still like to masturbate. It was a problem in my relationship last year as I wanted to have sex with my wife daily and still masturbate. Now if I do, which is rare, I feel super guilty. How can I make it so that I don't feel guilty about it anymore? My wife never masturbates and says she hates that I do and will occasionally ask if I've been doing it, and if I have, she becomes self-conscious. All right, Dan, what I'm gonna guess from your email, extrapolate here, is that it sounds like you've been masturbating in the last year a lot to porn. Your wife found out, or it was a secret, and she wasn't okay with it, and now you feel guilt about it, and that's a problem. I understand you also said that your wife hates that you do it, and she never masturbates. Now, to me, that's a red flag in every relationship. And people who hate masturbating, I found, have not really masturbated in a way where they are present and they're doing it to encourage overall sexual health and wellness, because having a healthy masturbation practice is part of being sexually healthy overall. So I really don't want you to feel this guilt and shame around masturbation. People masturbate in relationships, they masturbate out of relationships, and it's important for all of us to have a healthy practice. So I'm curious, first off, why your wife never masturbates. Would she be open to talking to you about why? Has she done it and she didn't like it? Is it something that she feels would be wrong and therefore she judges herself about masturbation, so she's judging you? I don't want you to, to feel guilty for doing something that's, that's a healthy practice and that's really quite helpful also for our own growth as a sexual being. And so I would love for you to have a conversation with your wife about the sexual health of your relationship, explaining to her the benefits. We have lots of great articles on our site about the health benefits of masturbation. Perhaps you guys could start to listen to this episode together. Remember what we do here is not— this, this show is, it's not a typical conversation. A lot of people aren't talking like this with their partners. And so the reason why I really appreciate your question, Dan, is because I can't tell you over the years how many men have emailed and said that they feel shame about it, that they're in the basement hiding and masturbating so they're, you know, no one finds out. And then they feel this terrible guilt and shame after. Some have it because they're hiding it from their wife. Some have it because they grew up in an environment where it was shame to ever masturbate. And I just, I would love to all of you and all the listeners and you, Dan, to start, you know, being your own best advocates for masturbation and saying, you know what, I'm not gonna care, perpetuate this guilt and this shame that's associated with masturbation. And actually, I, I want you to understand the benefits. I mean, it's not just me. I mean, you could Google it. Like there are benefits to it. It's not evil, wrong, or shameful. It helps us become more in touch our body. So I wanna know, what kind of sex are you having with your wife? Does she enjoy sex? Does she have pleasure? Does she have orgasms? Has she ever talked to you? I know what we got is that she doesn't masturbate, but what does she do sexually? Is she into your sex life? I mean, perhaps some mutual masturbation where you're lying side by side and she's exploring herself and you're exploring yourself might be something to get you guys over that hump of, of, of shame around it. Idling, that's your first step. You're still a few talks away from that. But see where I'm getting with this? I'm trying to paint for you what a healthy masturbatory relationship looks like within a relationship. It could be together, it could be separate. I mean, I know couples are like, I'm gonna go upstairs and knock one out. Okay babe, I'll be down here finishing work. Like, that's how it should be. Like, I'm going to the gym for a workout. Okay, well I'm just gonna go use this new vibrator I got. Oh fun, can't wait to hear about it when I get home. I mean, That's how it is in my relationships. Like the guys I'm dating are like, hey, yeah, you can try that new toy tonight. Text me after, tell me how hot it was, or let me watch you use that toy. And no, it's not cuz the guys I date are in my industry. They know me, they listen to the show. They maybe at first they were self-conscious, but then they're like, oh yeah, this is so normal and hot. And I love that you're a woman who knows your body, what feels good. So what I'm saying is this is the world that I want you all to live in, that it's literally like talking about the weather. I'm going to get a workout in, I'm going to go have an orgasm, and what's for dinner? Okay, can we all get there? Dan, um, you got this. You guys, you're young into your marriage, you're 25 years old. Start having these healthy conversations. It's really important for the health of your relationship, your marriage, kids, whoever's around you. Uh, we need to start having these conversations without shame. We're going to take a quick break, but first I gotta tell you about Provessent. So Hands down, Promescent makes the best delay spray on the market. For anyone with a penis looking to delay their orgasms, this is the spray I always recommend for at least 10 years. It helps penis owners last up to 64% longer in bed. It's long-lasting. It doesn't transfer to your partner. And really, it's just perfect for anyone who struggles with premature ejaculation. I know it's a bummer. It happens. I gave lots of tips on how to handle it, but sometimes you just want to know the sure thing. You want to last longer, but sometimes you just want to last longer. That's cool too. Or if you just want to practice edging or having longer sessions, check out Promescent. Or if you simply just want to practice edging or have longer sessions, they also have this incredible warming arousal gel for vulva owners, which I love. Basically, it's like your pre-sex routine. You just put it on before partnered sex, solo sex, or even during the day, and it just gives you this little tingling sensation. It's like the blood is rushing because, remember, orgasm pleasure is all about blood flow. So you rub it in and you will start to feel aroused. Well, it's an arousal gel. So if you want more pleasure for both you and your partners, go to promescent.com/emily to save 15% off your order. That's promescent.com/emily, or just click the link in the show notes for 15% off. Okay, we're gonna talk to Sarah. Hi, thanks for calling in.

Oh my goodness, my husband's 50th birthday is coming up and I really want to knock his socks off. I've written into you before and expressed to you that he is an experienced lover and he does a great job of keeping our sex life fresh and keeping me pleased in many, many different ways, and I've always wanted to please him as good as he pleases me type of thing.

Okay.

And I've learned a lot from you. I've watched him, uh, masturbate, and I've like mastered the hand job, which was very, very exciting for me. I mean, it took me— it took me 14 years of our marriage to get him off fully by myself with a hand job. So good for you.

Okay, I That's a commitment.

So my, my next venture is I really want to give him a prostate orgasm.

Okay.

And I feel like it's a big job, and he's always been obsessed with my ass. And for a long time, I had a lot of problems with it and didn't understand it. And then recently, I've come to accept it and started to play with him a little bit, and he really—

he likes it. Oh, awesome. Okay. Happy 50th birthday, let's find your prostate.

Let's do it, let's do it. But I can find his prostate with my finger, but I can't stimulate it enough to make it— make him have that explosive orgasm.

Exactly.

So I got this.

You got the beginner anal kit from B-Vibe, right? That's a great present. Oh my God, good for you. Okay, I love it.

I haven't showed it to him yet, but yeah, I'm thinking I want to try to put a A little butt plug in there for a birthday. Yes, do it.

That's a great birthday gift. I cannot imagine a better gift.

The problem is, is I'm a submit— very submissive in the bed. Like he is the dominant in the bed, always been the dominant. And I enjoy that. I've always been the submissive in any relationship that I've ever had. Very dominant in my personal life, my like professional life and my business. But in the bed, I'm just like, ravish me. Do what you will. And yeah, like, I'm up for whatever you want. But recently, he's been putting my hand on his throat and doing things that suggest that he wants me to dominate him.

Yeah.

And it kind of freaks me out. I don't, I don't know what to do.

Okay. Is it something that you could talk to him about outside the bedroom and just say, I've noticed you put my hand on your neck. Show me what you want, and then you just see what he wants. So then you could just kind of practice.

The problem is when I try to talk to him about these things, he's a little like, yeah, whatever happens, happens. Like, even when I asked him, do you want me to put my finger in your butt? I straight up asked him that. He said, well, I'm not gonna ask you to do it, but if it happens, it happens.

Okay.

He's not very forward with what he wants. I've asked him, what are your fantasies? What do you fantasize about? Here's what I fantasize about. What do you fantasize about? He says, I don't really fantasize. I'm just concentrating on the moment and on you.

Okay. Well, I mean, that, and that all could be true, right? Maybe he doesn't really have fantasies, but it sounds like he's showing you with little ways of like allowing you to, you know, to play with his anus and putting his hand on your neck. So it sounds like He doesn't wanna talk about it, but maybe now it's like, I know that you're submissive in bed, but for all the years you have been submissive, maybe sometimes you just say, I'm gonna, I'm gonna try this, especially for his birthday. I'm going to climb on top of him. I'm gonna like put my hand on his neck. And even though it might not be my main turn on, I love this man. And let's see where it goes. Because also the act of putting a butt plug in too, All of this is stuff that you might just, once you try it and start doing it, you'll be like, oh, it doesn't mean it's like, because I feel like this whole like either you're Dom or you're sub is so binary. You're either or. But you could still be the Dom, like taking control of the situation without being like, lay down, you're my slave. Like there's ways of just being like, how does this feel? Like I've had that with partners where I'm like using the butt, but I'm like, I'm not dominant particularly, but I I'm in charge and I'm still myself. I'm like, how does that feel? This is what we're doing tonight's about you. And I'm just kind of, this is your night. Like that's what you could say to him too on his birthday. Like, this is your night. You lay out the toys. Maybe you could even blindfold him, get a massage candle, lay out all the butt plugs, have them all ready to go. And then you're just playing. But it's okay if you laugh or it's fun, you haven't done it before. And I think just the act of you trying to something different, trying to please them other ways is going to be really, really hot and a wonderful birthday present.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. I got the anal lube ready. It's just, I think it's just the mental block.

It is a mental block. Yeah, the total.

And, and it just, they look so big. They're a lot bigger. They seem much bigger than a finger. And so I'm just worri— you know, I'm just worried about it because it's so big, you know.

Beginner anal kit. So I would start really, really with the small one. And put a lot of lube on it. Make sure that he's lubed up. Maybe he's lying on his back. You massage him all around, like his butt, his inner thighs. Just make sure he's really relaxed. He has to breathe. And then you can just slowly, like, how does it feel? Like, talk to him. Like, how's that? Have him breathe. How is that? Because it's gonna be a new sensation for him as well. And they are, but, but the anus, like you'll find that the hardest, like going in sometimes is the, the most uncomfortable, but You know, again, it's all about breathing, using lube, and going slow. And you'll be surprised at what kind of space they can find, especially if he likes the finger. He's probably going to be okay even with the small. Definitely start with the small, and you'd be surprised at what the anus can handle.

Well, I'm going to try it and let you know. I mean, it's, it's been amazing what we've been able to accomplish just from letting go and being free with each other. So it's, it's out, it's It's amazing. Even 15 years in, 15 years in.

I mean, that's the thing is that it really is about letting go and being free.

It really is.

You are such a great example of that. And I think it's, this is going to be very inspiring for a lot of listeners to see, like even after 14, 15 years, you are still working on it. And you would say that maybe the secret to it is, is being free and not judgmental and open.

It is.

It always can get better, right?

It, it can. It's absolutely amazing.

Thank you. Well, thank you for your call. Happy birthday to your husband. Please let me know how it goes.

I'll let you know how it goes.

I love it.

Thank you.

It was so good to hear from you. Thanks, Sarah. Bye. In every relationship, there's an opportunity to grow sexually, try new things, turn each other on in different ways. Like, if your partner's birthday is coming up, what are you gonna get them, right? Sarah's getting a butt plug. What's one thing that you could do for your partner sexually that would be exciting for both of you? That's your challenge. All right, we have Alex, 24, in Canada, and he wrote, hey Dr. Emily, my girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. She just moved away for a program and is living with her roommate. Her roommate and her boyfriend are both into swinging. My girlfriend finds that really intriguing, and they want to do sort of a soft swap with having the girl give the guys oral sex. 3 of us would be in separate rooms and take turns each night. Part of me wants this to happen, but I feel vulnerable for some reason. I really miss her. I've talked to the boyfriend and he's super chill about it. Am I the only one out of the four of us who isn't naturally into sharing our partners? How do I know if I should or shouldn't do this? All right, Alex, I totally get it. Well, first, vulnerability makes sense in this situation. Probably do miss your girlfriend, and then she's telling you about this situation, which You know, for many people like, oh wow, you know how great your, your partner wants to swing, but that's not for everybody. And you love her. It's a new scenario. It makes sense that you would feel vulnerable. And this can be a risky dynamic in the sense of you gotta trust what feels right for you right now. When you ask if I know if I should or I shouldn't do this, in this case, if it's about swinging or threesomes, It's gotta be a hell yes. And if you're not a hell yes, then we gotta stick with the hell no. Now it doesn't mean it can be maybe a hell yes in the future, but it sounds like you need some more information. Maybe you need to meet the couple when you go visit without the expectation that all of a sudden you're gonna be splitting up into rooms and swapping. I mean, that sounds like a lot of pressure with people you've never met that she's got a whole relationship with. So to give you a perspective, she knows them, she's hanging out with them, she's seeing it, she's experiencing from their perspective what goes on. And maybe you need a little bit more information. You need to feel safer and you need to see your girlfriend again. So stick to your ground, trust what you're feeling right now, and get some more information and see how you feel once you visit her. But you definitely don't need to make any promises, especially when it comes to your commitment with your girlfriend and the bond that you already have right now. Okay, thank you for your question. I appreciate it, Alex. We have Hannah, 23, in Wyoming. Hi, how are you?

I'm great. How are you doing?

I'm good. It's so nice to talk to you.

Yeah, thanks for doing this, and thanks for your show. I love it. I've been listening to it for probably the past 2 years and definitely changed a lot of things for me.

Oh, I'm so So happy to hear that. Well, let me know how I can help you today.

Yeah, so it was, um, about a month ago. My boyfriend and I, we've been dating for a year, and it just kind of seemed like during sex, like, we weren't connecting. We were still having sex, but it just wasn't like— if there wasn't that much passion or connection there compared to how it normally is. And I remember an episode. I couldn't find the exact episode, but you telling a couple like, just take sex off the table and take the pressure off and to just like try to connect in your relationship in other ways. So we tried to do that and it actually was really— it was helpful for us, but we kind of just didn't know like what exactly the boundaries are that you set up and Yeah, that's a, it's a great question.

It's something that I, I often tell couples to take sex off the table when it becomes, sex becomes the problem where either someone's not initiating and the other one is, or they feel like mismatched libidos or someone's just not in the mood or there's problems. What prompted you to say like, look, maybe we should take sex off the table? What was happening in your, in your sex, sex life?

I don't know really how to explain it other than we just weren't really connecting. Like we were having sex. But it was just really basic sex. It wasn't like, there wasn't that much passion. It was almost just like we were horny and wanted to have sex or felt like we needed to have sex or whatever.

And I think many couples could benefit from taking sex off. And when I say take sex off the table, what I mean is penetration. And yeah, what I like about sex off the table is it sort of allows you to get to know each other again. You're, you're like, you put the building blocks, like you're, um, starting to build from the ground up again. Like you're not going right into the passion and the heat. So you could also experiment with making out and just having a night where you're kissing and you're exploring, but you're, you're not letting it go past making out, you know, because that's like, think about when you were first dating and you had the butterflies in your stomach and you were excited and where's this gonna go next? But why don't you kind of channel that feelings of discovery again, of curiosity, of newness. And then you could have a night where you say, well, let's just give each other massages where one night it's all about you, Hannah. Maybe the next time it's about him, or you each take 15 minutes and you switch. And during that process, it's like a really slow process of him using his hands over your body and you let him, you practicing asking for what you want. Faster, slower, even with the touch, pleasing each other. Maybe it's just a night of oral sex where it's just about your pleasure, then it switches about his pleasure. And so being more deliberate and more present and more mindful about where you wanna go next with each sexual moment.

Okay. Yeah. And I feel like, like, I don't know if it's maybe something kind of in my head, but. We slept together like the first night we met each other, and then we kind of grew our relationship from there. Um, and that's been like— a lot of my experiences in college were more like one-night stands or flings, and this is my first real relationship. Like, I feel like since we started with sex and we had so much chemistry and like when that starts to fizzle out at all, like I worry that he's gonna think our relationship's not good, or, you know, and I then I think I probably put that pressure on myself to have sex and have the sex, like have really good sex, and sometimes it's just not there.

It's not there. So I— well, okay, so even better then for you guys to build now from a place that you kind of went right to the sex and then the relationship. Mm-hmm. And so it sounds like you need some period of really getting to know, know each other without just the rushing towards sex. But also if for you too, if you haven't had that experience, I think it's a really beautiful thing to just have a night of making out and touching and, and, and kissing and looking to each other's eyes and intimacy. That so many times we do rush through these things and we don't really get to know each other. And that, you know, I also think that it shouldn't be all about penetration. So I get you're 23, right? Yeah. You're 23. When you think of having great sex, or you think of being a good lover, you think, well, I'm gonna, I want to do all the moves and have penetration be really great and exciting every time and try all these positions. But what I'm encouraging you and all the listeners to do is to really make sex your own, like make it so. I think it's totally acceptable to have a night of just oral or kissing or touching and seeing where it goes. Roleplaying, dirty talk, watching porn together, and just putting that even on your calendar, like for the next month, you know, maybe once a week or twice a week, you could try something new. You could check out our Yes, No, Maybe list as well on our site that gives a lot of great suggestions. So that's what I'm talking about when I say off the table.

Thank you. Well, we'll try that. Okay, on our calendars.

Please let me know. You could download our Pleasure Planner as well. It helps couples plan, plan their pleasure for the month. It's a free guide on our site. Thank you, Hannah. I really appreciate your call. It's really helpful.

Yeah, thank you so much.

Bye. Bye. I love this question because there really is something to be said for slowing everything down, and in fact Go 5 times slower. The next time you're with your partner, you can practice going slow with everything, making out, taking each other's clothes off. Even if you are having penetrative sex, how can you slow it down? There's so much of sex that's oriented around orgasm and we rush everything, or we wanna rush to sex cuz we think it might not happen, or I won't be as aroused, or there's just so many things about it that really set us up for this very one-dimensional way of thinking about sex and taking sex off the table and rebuilding what arousal and attraction and your sex life looks like is a great practice for couples at any stage of your relationship. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily Morse. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @sexwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.