Communication is Lubrication: Scripts For Your Sex Life

Hey, it's Emily from Sex with Emily. Thanks everyone for listening to the show, and I just want to thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this show free. So have you ever had that not-so-fresh feeling down under? I created a solution called Down Under Comfort. Well, what is it? It's a cream-to-powder formula, formula that keeps you fresh and dry all day, which means you'll always be ready for action. It's for men and for women. It can be used anywhere in your body. It prevents sweat stains, chafing, and that not-so-fresh feeling. You're probably thinking, I know, hey Em, I showered this morning, I'm still clean. But guess what? Poor hygiene is the number one complaint about sex from men and women, especially now that the weather gets hotter. Do your balls, your breasts, your whole body get sweaty? I was in New York last week, my breasts were— I've never had that experience, that humidity, and I whipped out my Down Under Comfort. I put it on and I was no longer sweaty. Sweating from head to toe. This stuff works. It keeps your intimate areas fresh, dry, clean, ready for action all the time. Most people never think they need a product like this until they try it, and they can't live without it. We already sold out of it once, so go to emilyandtony.com, use coupon code EMILY for 20% off Down Under Comfort. That's emilyandtony.com, use code EMILY for 20% off your order. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my, do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry, it shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind —girl you just play with. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can check out all of our podcasts, sign up for our mailing list, which you actually really have to sign up for our mailing list because I have been complimented lately. Wherever I go, people are like, oh, you know what? I get so many emails, Emily, but I actually read yours, like from people that I really respect. Because we all get newsletters, whatever. I send you tips every week. And they're interesting and they're informative and it's not spammy or weird. So sign up for that. You'll also get the report when you do that, the 5 biggest mistakes you're making in bed if you're a man or a woman. And also follow me on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram, all that stuff, @sexwithemily, because I love hearing from you and I love— it's been great lately. I've been getting like so many questions from you guys. It's been crazy. Feedback@sexwithemily.com or on my Facebook page and we try to answer them all. We really do. I try to get to all your questions. Because I want to help you. And this show is going to really get to your questions because let me tell you about this show. I compiled a list of the top questions I get asked, and I'm going to give you all a little script here, script for each situation, for sticky situations, pun intended, I suppose, because some of these situations are kind of sticky. The questions you get asked, the questions I get asked, are a lot of times scenarios that you're not quite sure how to talk to your partner, how do I bring this up, what do I do about this situation, it's been bothering me Emily, you know, what do we do, and here they are. So some of the things are like, how to get out of the friend zone, how to bring toys in the bedroom, how to ask for what you want in the bedroom, and you know, how to know if your new partner has an STD, how to get more oral sex, how to spice things up. We're gonna cover all of these today on the show with some scripts. We're actually gonna do a little bit of role-playing, and I've got some amazing guests here today. I've got my assistant Lauren. Hello. Hello. And I've got Carolyn, my intern. Hi there. Hello, hello. And we are just, you know, we do talk about sex all day long in the office, right? I mean, it's hilarious. Like when we shut our doors open sometimes and we forget, we're like having like screaming matches about blowjobs and people are like, oh, sorry, sorry, we're being loud. Like, no, we like it. Like the guys down the hall are like, it's like listening to a porn. We have a good time. So I thought I should bring it to everyone here. So you can hear kind of how these conversations go down and really some of the best things to say when you do get in some of these situations. And this again is incorporating some of the top questions you asked me so you know how to deal with them. So I'm just gonna, I didn't tell them I was doing this, but Lauren, I'll start with you. Is there a sticky situation that you've been in lately that you've been wanting to address and haven't, or anything that you did address that worked?

Oh, well, one of my recent sticky situations is I've been I think hooking up, I guess, with a guy for the last 4 or 5 years on and off. Great friend of mine, but I don't want a relationship at all. I don't want a relationship at all. And I know some— for some people, that talk about what we are is their sticky situation. But my sticky situation was, how do I avoid that talk, or how do I maneuver that talk so that I can keep doing what I'm doing?

Yeah. And I think you just got to say— tell them. You got to say to them, Right now I'm not looking to be in a relationship. I really cherish the time that we're— I love being with you. It's amazing. It's great. But I can't give you a full-on come in right now. Um, I'm focusing on my work, my life, building my new life in Los Angeles. And, and, but it doesn't mean that I don't still want to see you. Is that good? Yeah, definitely.

Because he's definitely one of those straight up people, and I feel like you have to tread lightly, like, with different people. And that That is very to the point, and he's— I mean, I get it.

And honestly, I mean, I've had to have— I've been in that same sticky situation, the, you know, having the talk. What are we? And I'm like, we're just hanging out. And then they— that's not— that doesn't usually go over very well because typically they want to know about the commitment and all that. But just be honest with your partner. So, okay, Carolyn, you're up next. Any sticky situations you've been in lately, or anything you want to talk about that you haven't lately with your partner? Oh my gosh.

Um, you know, I'm one of those like, I don't play games kind of girls. And, um, I'm pretty straightforward with how, with, with my needs and what I want. So I mean, lately, uh, you know, sex with my partner's great, but I might want more oral sex. And so my way of asking for that is go down on me now, please. So I'd love to have a little bit of an etiquette lesson from you. Um, you know, actually. Surprisingly, uh, guys don't like being told what to do all the time, right? They really don't. Yeah, guys can get a little touchy about it. It's like, I am an assertive woman, especially in bed, and, um, it works sometimes and it doesn't in others. So I definitely— I had my boyfriend tell me, look, I'm not a sex toy, um, at one point.

Wow. Because— well, great, we'll go get one because Emily gave me 3 of them yesterday. Yeah, it's fine, I have tons.

Um, No, so I actually think I need a little lesson on how to phrase that particular need.

That is a good one. So when he does it, does he do it for long enough and it's to your pleasure? Do you have an orgasm?

Yeah, he does it, well, you know, I am one of those, again, one of those kind of girls that I don't really, I would rather have an orgasm from intercourse and I like oral sex as foreplay. Okay, for foreplay. So he definitely will go there and for as long as I want him to. I mean, and he would, Yeah, he's—

but that's like your main go-to warm-up, like you need to warm up. Yeah, right. Okay, so maybe you could say something to him like, I— God, it would feel, you know, even just saying in a way like, babe, I, I can't wait to have you inside me. It would feel amazing though to have your— to feel your lips on me or to kiss me or to go down. Yeah, I would love if you went down on me right now. That would be so hot. Yeah, tell him how it makes you— how it's going to make you feel rather than ordering him, or be like, you know, I if he tried— so is it usually the point that he kind of just tries to have sex right away and you're not warmed up yet, and so that's why you want it?

Uh, yeah, I'd say so. I'd say that, um, you know, we do foreplay, but oral sex is not always part of our foreplay, and sometimes I wish it was. So I think if I add in a little more of that feminine energy that you, that you seem to exude, rather than saying, okay, um, hi, could you do this for me now, please?

You got to be a little softer sometimes because men, they do know— because the thing is that men are pleasers. And so especially around sex, they get so particular. Like, if a guy ever hears anything negative about, like, his penis or how he performed, it will stick with him for, like, his life. Just like how women, like, feel about their weight or other things, like, for men. So if you criticize him, he's thinking— and he probably gets upset by it, maybe because he's thinking, oh, I messed up, I'm not pleasing her, she's ordering me around, and like, I'm already doing it, you know. Who knows what it is he's feeling, like, he's not Definitely. And then he gets passive-aggressive.

And then, yeah, the last thing you want is to give them a complex, like, oh, they're not— I'm not doing it well enough. And it's like, no, it's not about that. I want you to do it more.

Or you know what you could do? You could— well, we already talked about— we're gonna get in this next, but you could text him like, I've been fantasizing all day about your tongue on my pussy. And I—

yeah, I might feel a little more confident dirty talking in text message. So that's a good idea.

Why don't you lead up like, I'm really thinking about your— how it feels when you go down on me, or I've been thinking about you going down on me all day. I'm gonna do that right now. You ready to know? Do it now. Text him right now. But yeah, things like that, like softening up. I mean, again, it's different with every partner. I mean, I had a guy, I actually made this into a little standup routine I did once, who we went out for a long time and he did the whole like weekly, you know, flapped his tongue around for 2 minutes. And that was his idea of oral sex. And I was like, really? Like, I didn't even think 2 minutes and you could have like got me a glass of water. We could have started 2 minutes later. Like that did nothing for me in that 2 minutes. And so finally, it was never— I mean, our sex was okay even. It wasn't even that great. I stayed with him for too long. It was a long-distance relationship. But besides that point, one time I just said to him, we were at dinner because a lot of times it's good to talk about these things when you're not in the bedroom. And I said, so what's the deal, yo? Um, is it that— I'm just curious, um, because I definitely did my part. Like, I gave him blowjobs that rocked his world, um, so he said, and they seem to. But he said to me, I said to him, so oral sex, I have a question for you about like going down on me. 'Cause I noticed that like it doesn't happen that often and I'm curious, is it that maybe you wanna know more about what to do and what would I really like? 'Cause I'd be happy to tell you. Or is it that you just don't really like it? And he said, nah, it's just not my thing. And I was like, nah, you're not my thing either. And I walked out the door. No, I didn't end it that quickly. I should have. But soon after that, I knew that I'm not sure that you can talk a guy into, just like tomatoes, right? Like if you like tomatoes, you hate them, I can be like, try the tomato, try the tomato, like you'll love it, you'll love it. Like you don't like them, you don't like them. And so maybe he's just a guy who doesn't like it. And I was giving him an out there, 'cause I think a lot of guys might not do it for reason A, that they just, they're like, God, everyone was different, confusing. So that's why I try and give a lot of tips about oral sex on the show. But for him, he just wasn't into it. And I think that's kind of sad because I don't know if it's just like women, we all have had experiences sexually that weren't so pleasing. And we think, I never want to do that again. Like a lot of women have very bad, like post-traumatic anal sex disorder where like the first time a guy tries to have anal sex with them, they just like stick it in without lube, not warmed up. And women are like, I hate oral sex, anal sex. And then you think, well, I always say like, try it again. Like maybe with a partner who's more sensitive and you know, you slow down and use lube and you might like it. But I'm wondering with these guys with oral sex, I mean, I haven't— this is the first time it's ever— it ever happened to me, but I think there are guys who just aren't that into it. And I wonder if they also maybe had a bad experience.

I have a rule for that, and my rule is— and I tell my friends this too— when I'm dating, I won't go down on a guy until he goes down on me. So just to avoid that, in college there's a lot of guys who say, oh yeah, like, yeah, yeah, and they they will not go down on you, like, at all. And so now I won't go down on a guy until he's gone down on me, and I know for sure, because how that— to me, it would suck. It's like, oh, you don't like going down? I've just been giving you all these blowjobs. Now what do I do? I have to keep giving you these blowjobs. Not that I don't like blowjobs, right? Right.

Because we like— I mean, believe me, guys, like, some women don't like them, but, but we get into it because we know it gives you pleasure. It gives us pleasure.

That's a great Yeah, I just don't like that it's one-sided at that point, right? Then it's like, okay, you're expecting this of me, but it's like, well, I kind of want my little something. Exactly.

The blowjob is like so much fame, like it's all about the blowjob, but it's never about like oral, you know, cunnilingus.

And it's the same way like for— I also, I don't like to, uh, analingus, I think is the word, right? I don't like giving, but I like receiving, which is It's something where I'm like, okay, well, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna do it if I expect it of you, right? Like, if I expect it, I'm not gonna like, you know, right? I don't want to not do it, right? So if a guy's like all into it, like he'll lick your anus.

Yeah, I mean, but is he ever like—

I don't, I don't like doing that. I think that's dirty. Yeah. No, no, no. Well, I just, I, if, if they do it to me, I let them know right away. Like, not during sex, but I let them know, like, you know Because I have my last guy, I just— he was all about— he was all about it, and he kept trying to— in bed trying to get me to do it, and I was just like, no, no, no, no.

And I literally— like him?

Yeah. And I literally like slipped out of bed and I was like, nope, nope, nope. Like, wow. And I was like, I just know, right? Okay.

And then was he cool with that? Or—

no, yeah, he was cool with it.

Okay, so that's, that's a, that's a, that's a good thing. At least you talked about it. Yeah, I know it's not your thing. Off limits. I understand for a lot of people that's It's just not pleasurable at all. We are going to get into how to talk to your partner about having anal sex because that is one of the top questions we do get asked. Those are some good examples. So, I was going to go back to— oh yeah, so the oral sex thing is that it just always confuses me. I think that a lot of men, if you are one of those guys who are like, I don't like the vagina, they're smelly, I had a bad experience, whatever it is, that I think that you can have a positive experience maybe if you try it again or you try it and realize that you are giving her a lot of pleasure and then I guess just a lot of guys, it turns them on too to see her so turned on, but you can't— everyone's wired differently, so some guys would be like watching the clock and be like, okay, it's been 5 minutes. You know, like, men would probably do that or something and be like, I'm done.

Yeah, I think that if you want it, you have to be willing to give it, definitely. And like Lauren, if you aren't willing to give it, then you got to be honest about it.

Exactly. Don't expect it.

Don't expect it. And again, there's some women who don't want it. Someone who don't want oral sex, and there's some guys, believe it or not, who don't love blowjobs. Not many, but there are. There's a lot of guys who are like, "I can't ejaculate that way," or, "I just don't like it. I'd rather just, you know, I come too quickly that way, so I'd rather not." Or they just don't like it, which, you know, and again, women, there's a lot of women who are multi-orgasmic, who are super sensitive, and they actually don't like the feeling of it. And then there's some women who also have insecurities about their bodies, and so in which case, I have a lot of guys who also email and say, "Hey, I want to do this to my partner and she won't let me. What do I do?" I think in that situation, you can just get to the bottom of it with her and just say, "God, I would so love to taste you," and she's like, "Nope, nope." You can ask her why. Say, "Well, what is it about it? Does it not feel good?" You might just try to ask questions, get more information. Again, it's not always in the bedroom, it's not always the best place to have these conversations, but there's guys who miss it too. They're like, "I've been with a partner who won't let me." Again, it could be because of her own insecurities. I have a guy friend who was just with a woman recently, and which I think this is so bizarre, but she told him— he was trying to go down on her, and she told him that the last guy she was with said that she had an odor that wasn't very good, wasn't pleasant. And so we had to go to all these doctors and take these herbs and do all these things. And so she was like really insecure about it, and she shared that with my friend, and so he went down on her. And did it, and he's like, yeah, well, there was a little something, but he kept going, so there was— 'cause a lot of times women do have an odor and you can't— typically if it's like something that if you've been with someone for a while and then it just starts and it wasn't there before, she might have like an infection, like bacterial vaginosis, or there's certain things, so you might want to say, babe, something's a little different down there, you might want to get checked out. So if that is, that's another script we weren't even gonna talk about, but there's so many things to talk about, but you might, you gotta be honest because But if she's always that way, you know, you could try showering before sex, things like that. But there are some people that just have some odors you might not like. Someone else might love her odor, you know? I don't know. But the point is, is that this woman— this guy said something to her that just made her never want it again.

And, um, it's crazy that someone, one person, could like ruin oral sex for you for the rest of your life, right?

Like, oh yeah, that's terrible. I want to tell you another story. It's about a penis. So I was dating a guy a while ago and he was with a woman. It was kind of like it was an emotionally abusive relationship before that. And his penis, I gotta tell you, was really nice. Like to the point of like, I'm like, you have a great penis. Like it was nice size and it was beautiful. Yeah, I was like, your penis is so amazing. Like it was thick and big. It was good. It was like, not that it has to be big, but it was like, it was a knife for me. I really liked it. And he's like, really? He's like, 'cause my ex just told me that her last boyfriend was so much bigger and was so much better. And he like— and this was like 12 years ago, we had dated this woman or something like 10 years ago, and he was carrying it with him that like he had this like bad penis that wasn't able to please. I was like, oh my God, like I was good. I would— and I don't just compliment your penis just to make you feel better. Like I was really like this penis. And so this woman's one comment like 10 years earlier because she was trying to hurt him, he still like didn't like his penis ever since. So what I'm saying is, I don't know, don't be hurtful to your partner. And also don't Just don't write off certain sexual things and acts because of your first experience with them, because maybe try it again, and also your own insecurities and self-esteem. Yeah, don't let anyone ruin sex for you.

I was actually embarrassed when I first started. I didn't like oral sex in the beginning, like receiving.

Yeah, a lot.

Yeah, because I'm very sensitive, and guys didn't really know what they were doing. They were going fast, and I thought it was just not good. I thought it was not fun, and I'd get embarrassed because I would I'd spaz while I'm like— and it was a bad experience for me.

Because guys don't know to slow down often.

They go too fast. And oral sex is something that we all love. We should love. And now I love it. I used to think that I didn't.

Because in college, a lot of guys are not as experienced, and so that's why you should keep listening to the show so you know how to do it. And you need to start slow with oral sex and then speed up and then change it. Again, every woman's different, but most women, if you're starting out and you're just going down there, do not start quick, fast licking like a crazy person. We don't like that. We can get into some of our scripts here. I guess the first one we talked about is how to ask your partner to perform more oral or anal. The anal sex is a big one. I hear from guys all the time, both on Sex with Emily and when I'm on Loveline. We probably get one call a night. People saying like, how do I get my partner to do it? And so I think the first thing is just to opening up and say, you know, again, anal sex is the thing that you— I think we already covered oral, right? But anal is something that you really can't just go shove it in. You got to start talking about it and just say like, you could start with your finger, you could start touching around that area, you could start— like, I'm thinking if you're a heterosexual couple, you're a man, you could just start rubbing her— that area around her butt, her opening and just see how she feels because she knows you're getting close to it. Women don't like surprises like your finger just going in there. And then if she seems to like not pull away, not get scared, you could try with like one, use some lube, try with one finger. That's how you should start. And this is the way to physically try, and if she's like, "No, no, no, I don't want that, don't do it," then you know she's not that into it. But this doesn't mean that the back door is closed forever. It could also mean that she had the post-traumatic anal sex experience. It was a bad one. Then you could talk to her and say, "I'd really like to, you know, try anal sex. Have you had it? What do you think about it?" And she might say, "I've tried it a bunch, I hate it," and she might be closed for business, or she might tell you she had a bad experience, or she might say she never had it. And so, what you should do as a caring partner, be like, you know, "I know what I'm doing. I'm gonna use lots of lube. I'm gonna stick, I mean, at first we'll start with my fingers." And for women, you know, you need to breathe and slow down. But I think the first thing, again, with anal is you just gotta talk about it, and you can't demand it. I think what a lot of guys do wrong is they're like, "I wanna fuck you in the ass. I wanna do it. I just wanna do you." And women might have some fears around it. They might not like it, so that's not gonna get you more sex.

Yeah, that was scary to me, and I like anal. Right. Those words right there, that was scary.

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, okay, see? So guys do that 'cause you think it's gonna turn us on, like, "I just can't wait to do that," and it's scary. So you don't wanna, 'cause if you wanna get your way, you don't wanna just shove it in or just talk to her like that, like, "I'm gonna do it," or, "I can't wait to do it," I'd say, I don't know if it's the majority, but a lot of women have some issues around it, right? Or have some, not issues, but some hesitation or trust. Yeah, I mean— You need to be relaxed.

Yeah, I've never had anal sex, but if someone ever wanted to—

This is Carolyn, my intern. Hey, Carolyn.

I would just want to know that they had put a little thought into it and they said, you know, look, like, I've either done this before or I'm reading about it, I'm listening to Sex with Emily and learning about it. I bought lube. I know this isn't going to happen over the course of one night. Like, we're gonna work— like, I want to work on this with you because you're so sexy, this or that, you know?

Right. Just come a little prepared. Exactly. And you can— another thing to do is— that's a great point. Again, you all heard this from the shape from our mouths. Like, we don't want to be forced into it. Um, another thing, if a woman's not— hasn't tried it— this— I talked to someone the other night. This was the party I told you guys I went to where like every person pulled me aside and had like the most intense sex questions ever, and I'm like, it was very funny. But this one woman was like, he wants me to try a butt plug, 'cause she had never had anal sex. I'm like, that's actually a good, get like a thin little butt plug, that's another way to try it and see if you like it. If you've never had anal sex, just, you could go to goodvibes.com, use coupon code Emily, and check out their butt plugs, 'cause that's, use lube with that too, but then she could get used to a little thing in her butt, and see how she feels with the bigger thing in her butt. So play around with it. That's a good script. I think we got it. Yeah, I think so.

I, I actually had the really bad experience of someone just shoving it in, and I cried and I bled, and it was awful.

That's awful.

Because I, I had that post-traumatic stress or sex.

I just made that up, but right, didn't you? Right. So, and then what happened? Was it years until you—

it was, it was probably like Oh, like 2 years until I even wanted to try it again.

Because were you like drunk or something? Or he just—

yeah, I was drunk and he was like, he was— I, I told him later and he was like, I thought you were down for it. I was like around that area and I was like, yeah, she's, she's going for it. I was, I was drunk and I was just like, totally unexpected. Yeah. And it was not fun. Right. Don't do that.

You heard it here, just be careful with it and, and tread lightly if you want to get your way in the situation. And she might even learn to love it too, but you gotta move slowly. Okay, but first, now I gotta give you a little word from our sponsors here. So, thanks everyone for listening to the show. You know I love being able to help you have the sex life and the relationships you deserve, and I want to give you the best show possible twice a week, so I appreciate you supporting our sponsors who help keep the show free and available to you. So, I know a lot of you out there live in the LA area, or you might come down here often, The Hustler Hollywood store should be your main destination, or one of your best, one of your top destinations, because they— it's an amazing store. You walk in, it's this incredible experience. They've got toys, erotica, sexy lingerie, and most of all, it's the easiest way to find answers you've been looking for to spice up your sex life. Hustler Hollywood is the perfect date night spot if you're in a relationship. You can just like browse their section of sexy products and see what both gets you turned on. So they have all these movies and toys. I mean, they have so much stimuli in there, and it's actually— even if you're just Go there just to check it out. They have like a cafe and like their drinks are hilarious. It was like the creamsicle blowjob pop. I don't know, like they're all their coffee. It is a great place on Sunset Boulevard, and it's a great thing if you've just been wanting to spice it up, but it's hard for you. Speaking of sticky situations, it's hard for you to talk to your partner. Just go and see what you both like, and then you can start the conversation going from there. If you're single, go and buy some vibrators for more so solo play. Hustler Hollywood loves you, my Sex on Me listeners. Want to make your sex life better so when you're whether you're single, in a relationship, they're offering a 20% discount if you just mention Sex with Emily when you're checking out at the legendary store. So it is the Hustler Hollywood Store on Sunset Boulevard. Mention Sex with Emily, but also I'm teaching a workshop there on July 16th, 2014 from 8 to 10 at night, so you gotta RSVP. Go to my Facebook.com/sexwithemily, you'll see it on the events page. RSVP yes. It's called How to Blow His Mind. And you're gonna love it. It's gonna be fun. We're gonna have gift bags and drinks and all good times. Okay, my other sponsor I have to thank, of course, because, and I think you're all gonna thank them too when you try it, is Fleshlight. It is the number one sex toy for men for a reason, because it actually, you feel the pleasure of having sex anytime, even when you don't have a partner, if you use a Fleshlight. It is the most popular sex toy for a reason for men, because it simulates the sensations of sex and it's engineered to look and feel like the real deal. A lot of people say it's even better than sex, but I'm not saying you're never going to want to have sex again, but you will have mind-blowing orgasms. Mix up your solo play. You can try their stamina training unit. It'll help you last longer. And if you're in a long-distance relationship or you just have as much sex as you want, or you just want to try something different than your hand, you got to check out the Fleshlight. Because everyone I've given it to, like guy friends to try, like, no, I don't know, They friggin' love it. And so, I don't have a penis. I would try if I could. Let me know how you feel about it. Go buy it. Go to sexwithemily.com/fleshlight. That's sexwithemily.com/fleshlight to get your Fleshlight now, and email me how much you love it. feedback@sexwithemily.com. How to talk to your partner when they won't address issues that they're having in bed. The elephant in the room. The elephant in the room. So, there's a lot of guys, for example, I'm not blaming all men, but they are premature ejaculators. They come a little bit too quickly. They think you're not gonna notice or something, or they just don't talk about it, right? Oh, I didn't notice that you just came before I even knew that your penis was inside me, or whatever it is. There's also guys who have erectile dysfunction. They get hard, then they get soft, they get hard, they get soft, and they don't wanna talk about it because it's just, Again, it's so hard for people to even talk about sex in the first place, but she knows it's going on, so you might as well talk about it. Also, there's a lot of prescription drugs you might be on that can also cause erectile dysfunction. A lot of men taking antidepressants, they actually can't ejaculate. And I think Carolyn, you had a great script for this.

Yeah, actually, I've been in both situations, as have most women, really. Yeah.

We're not gonna hate you for it, we just hate if you don't talk about it. Exactly, exactly.

I'm not gonna judge you on this one time or this couple times even, especially when you handle it like a man. And actually, a couple years ago, I was, uh, hooking up with someone, and the first time that we got together, he said, look, um, I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm on— I'm taking antidepressants. Oh, okay. Um, I might not have an orgasm throughout the course of this experience, but I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure you have an orgasm. And it blew me away.

Like, I thought it was so cool.

Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, it ended up being a great experience, and for years we hooked up. And I, and I actually cite that guy— I have cited him to other guys and said, look, man, like, there was this one guy that handled it well, and you can do it too, right?

Exactly. Because I just think that guys are just embarrassed and they they don't know how to deal. So that's, that's a great, that's a great example of how to deal with it.

Yeah, it was just straightforward and honest. And, you know, as long as you say, as long as you really truly believe, like, I, I'm gonna, I'm gonna look out for you in this situation. Like, I might, I might, I might come too quickly or not at all, but you're gonna be taken care of. Like, right, you're— whoa. Like, right, I'm still enjoying it.

Yeah, a lot of women might feel insecure that they can't make him ejaculate. They're thinking, oh, I'm not— oh yeah, you gotta get over that. You're not telling her why you can't ejaculate, and that's why she's just gonna be thinking that you think she's fat and not good in bed or something, 'cause women always have insecurities. I'm just kidding, or you think that she's not good in bed and you're not sexy, or whatever it is, you need to talk about this stuff. So just bring it up to her, confident and assuring and reassuring, like how you said he said it, and you just say, listen, or if you know that you come too quickly, you could mention it before, but just maybe after the first time, which is usually happening, just say, yeah, that happens to me sometimes, and I just wanna make sure that you are pleased. So, then you go down on her, then you use your fingers, or whatever you have to do to make sure that she is pleased. And if you do have one of these issues like PE, you can also work on that. It's not something that you have to stick with. You can also try Promescent. You've heard me talk about that. It's the only FDA-approved treatment for premature ejaculation.

Can we talk about how to bring Promescent into the bedroom?

That's a great idea.

I've wanted to do that, and even as working, you know, for you, I find it difficult to bring it up to a guy because I know he would flourish if he just had, you know, the chance to be around, you know, science and products. And, and, but it's still, it's like, how do I not offend this person?

Oh my God.

So he always comes a little bit too quickly? Well, no, it's not even that. It's, it's because Promescent's also, if you want to last a little bit longer, it's not even—

right, you're right. Thank you for clarifying that. It's If you last 5 and you want to last 10, if you last 10 minutes and you want to last 20 or more, it can double how long you last. That's a great question, and I think you can say, "Babe, I—" Well, you have the great excuse of blaming me. You can just say, "I got this great product," and I think all of you can actually— You know what? Fuck it. Everyone can use this excuse. "I was listening to this podcast and she was talking about this thing." I always say use a third party. Like, "There's this great new thing." called Promescent, and I think it just— I want you to try it. I think it'd be cool. You can last as long as you want in bed because what it does, it works with lidocaine. It's a slightly desensitizing feeling to your penis. It doesn't mean you can't feel anything. You put it on 10 minutes before sex, and it doesn't transfer to your partner. She won't even know you're using it, but a lot of women do buy it for their partners, and it just helps you last longer. You can still ejaculate, all that stuff, but it just It's kind of amazing. Guys are like, it rocked my world and changed my sex life, because there's an orgasm gap too, because you probably want him to last longer, because it might take you 15 to 20 to orgasm, and he ejaculates in 5 or 10. So I would just say, I've got this cool thing that I got, and it's called Promescent. I want to try it and see what it feels, because then, you know, maybe you can— does he ever feel bad that he doesn't last long enough?

I have gotten a, like, oh, sorry. I'm sorry about that. And there's nothing worse than—

Sorry.

Oh, sorry, that never happens. It's never happened before. That one's never happened.

Yeah, you're the last 4 guys.

Yeah, sorry about that. It's like, you don't even have to say you're sorry, man. Just acknowledge that it happened and do the rest of the work, you know?

And you can even use this excuse by having Promescent. If you go to Emily's workshop, Promescent just told us today that they sent us over a whole bunch, a whole box for— oh, they did? Our— as gift.

Oh, as part of our gift bags. Oh, that's awesome. You will be walking home with something.

Yeah, it's like, it's 6, but I mean, it's pretty—

well, they've trial-size bottles, they have bigger bottles. But yeah, go to my workshop and get a bottle. So, that's good. But this is like, how do you bring up Promescent? So, I would just say, "I've got this, you know, do you want to try this? This will help like last longer. I know it takes me a little longer to orgasm and this will help you last longer. I think it could be fun to try together.

I think it would be cool." Yeah, a little stroking of the ego.

Yeah, and always start with like, "I love having sex together. I love— I've been thinking about having sex with you all the time." Or you could say, "I've got a little treat for you when you got here." make it seem like it's something, you know, I've got a treat for you. And then he gets there and you're like, this can help you last longer without the side effects of like Viagra or anything like that. It's make it fun and playful.

Yeah, turn it into a toy rather than kind of a medicine, right?

Yeah, exactly. It's a little bit of both. Yeah, yeah, you could do that.

It's an accessory, not a Band-Aid. Always. Exactly.

It's a little accessory. So that would be a good way. And now what about like, so if a guy also doesn't I mean, I've been with guys too who don't, we're just trying to talk about, they won't address the issues. He never ejaculated and he wasn't on meds, but I think the first 3 or 4 times I was with him, I was like, I've never had this problem. It's called delayed ejaculation when a guy just can't, takes him a long time to ejaculate. And that's really common, but I found it strange that he didn't bring it up. He's like, no, I'm good, I'm good. But of course I'm thinking, oh, I'm not good. So see, when you're not talking about things, you are sending mixed messages. Like by not talking about it, it's getting worse. So, sometimes again, it's like ripping off the bandaid and just being like, "Babe, sometimes I just don't ejaculate," or "Sometimes I get softer," or "I— but I want to make sure that you're pleased." And the main thing is just making sure that you are pleasing her, whether it's through toys, your fingers, your mouth, if you come too quickly. Don't say this never happens, because believe me, we've all— we don't believe you. We say it's okay. And maybe the first time for some guys, the first time they're with a new partner, it happens because they're really excited.

Oh yeah, and like a quickie never hurt anyone.

Oh yeah, and it's not horrible, but yeah, it's not like the first— and if it's the first time you're with someone, like I don't think you have to get into the whole thing, but if it's ongoing and you're gonna be with this person, you should definitely just say, this is something that I deal with and I'm working on it, and you should be working on it by doing your Kegel exercises if you're a premature ejaculator. I'm not just saying you have to use Promescent. Kegel exercises, the stop-start method when you masturbate to the point of no return and then you stop right before you ejaculate. You can also use the Fleshlight, it has a stamina training. So there are things you can do With any of these issues, guys, you can work on it. So try to work on it and tell her that you're working on it. I mean, I was dating a guy who was a premature ejaculator, like, a long time ago, which is probably why I started the show, because I dated him for 2 years. But he kept saying he was working on it, and this is before I knew any of this stuff, and he wasn't. Like, we bought books, we were gonna do things, and he just never worked. I'm like, did you do your exercises? You know, we could do them together. And like, he just never did, and I was like, I mean, that wasn't the only reason, but he said he was going to make efforts towards making it better, and he did. So, what about female issues? Women who don't— do you think there's ever issues that you guys want to talk about that you don't want to talk about with guys?

I think it's a really good idea for women to let guys know that they're not going to have an orgasm every time they have sex.

Yes, that is a great one.

Yeah, and okay, that's not an excuse to not give her one.

Just because we're women, right, not to try, but sometimes it's just not going to happen.

Yeah, like, I know, I mean, personally, Personally, I can have an orgasm through intercourse, through oral sex, and I work on it. But if I have 2 drinks or 3 drinks, it's not going to happen. And I've told my boyfriend, I said, look, I want to do this right now. This is going to be great, but I'm probably not going to have an orgasm, and it's okay. So I think also being open about your orgasm and just Yeah, just being— that's really true.

That's a great one.

Yeah, and if you're open, he's gonna be more open.

Yeah, guys are really obsessed. It's like, I mean, I know I'm telling you one thing, like make sure that you please her, but it's okay if you don't. It's okay if you like— it's— yeah, I'm saying if this is an ongoing thing and you never think about her pleasure, but you just keep coming, or you keep getting so hard or soft and you don't really try. But this is a great point that a lot of women, we truly enjoy sex. Even if we don't have an orgasm. Not every single time. Lauren, do you agree with that?

Very true. Very, very true.

There's so many other sensations and things that we feel, and it's not the sure thing. Like, for men, it's pretty much the sure thing, but for women, like, whether with a new partner, or we had a few drinks, or we're stressed, or we're anxious— which is why you should always start with a massage at the beginning, because anxiety is a huge killer of people's sex drive and ability to orgasm— but Guys get so tripped up on it that like, that the woman doesn't, and that's how women fake it, which they should never do because then they're sending you the wrong message that you're the king of the universe and you're not. So she's just let you know, you should let him know that you're not gonna orgasm. That's fine.

Okay, um, I had a sticky situation that I, I always never know what to say if you're about like, you know, you're with someone and you're on your period.

Oh, that's a great one. God, we were going through all these in the office. We didn't go with that one. Um, right, what do you say?

It's, it's awkward. It's like you don't want to— like, I mean, I'm sure you might even feel awkward listening to the show right now. Just the word is like— right, it's very—

I feel like you don't want to discuss it with—

yeah, it's hard. Period is like so mysterious to men. Like, they don't— I don't know what they think it is.

Exactly. So I think that's interesting. When do you tell him? Do you tell him at the beginning of the night? Are you like at dinner? No, you don't wanna be a buzzkill.

I've been in that situation where I'm making out, things are getting warmed up, and then I say, you know what though, I'm on my period. And it's like, what I've started doing now that I'm older is I say, but we can still have sex. And I just stroke the ego and just calm the nerves. It's not a big deal. It's not like— Put a towel down.

Let me get a towel. I love period sex. Yeah, let's do it in the shower.

Oh, you do love period sex?

Yeah, I'm hornier when I'm on my period.

Okay, so that's really good. A lot of women are hornier when they have their period. But it's a matter of telling them, I love these. Do you like having sex on your period too?

I like having sex, yeah. Awesome. If I'm on my period and if I'm feeling good, then definitely. And I think in the past it used to stop me from having sex.

Right, 'cause you're afraid the guy's gonna get—

Yeah, I was afraid the guy was gonna be totally freaked out, but it's like, I am a woman, I have a period, you know. It's like, it's like, yeah, you should know that, you know. And I mean, I'm dating men, and right, and it's like, I'm not dating like, like guys, or, you know, that are, that are gonna be freaked out by the fact that I have—

and there are some guys who are even older and freaked out. I mean, okay, so first of all, periods, like the quest— the script, I think, is just when you start heating up, you could just be like, you just say, oh, when he starts to like undo your pants, be like, I have my period. I said, you know, I have my period. Like, it's 'cause the first time you're with someone when you have your period, say, it's that time of the month, I have my period, but I'm cool, and see what they say. Because there's some guys who are not cool with it, who are like, I don't want the mess, or it grosses them out.

They're not hard. That's why you're telling them, so they can choose, they have a choice.

You can always put a towel down. I always think it's so weird to bring that up. I always say, oh, I'm riding the crimson wave. Oh, you ride that, alright.

The Crimson Wave, alright. What is it, my Aunt Flo came to visit?

Oh, see, I hate the old kind of stuff. I just feel like as soon as it comes up, nothing in the room is sexy anymore.

Oh, see, but that's true, but okay, let's change that for you. You can just, don't make it like, oh, I have my period, be like, oh, I have my period, but I'm so turned on right now.

Yeah, and I think it's also a good excuse to try something new, right? Like another kind of foreplay.

Right, you could use your sex toy. Yeah, you don't want oral, but I can't do oral. Or, um, you could say, I'm— but I'm just saying, yeah, I have my period, but I'm, I'm so turned on. What about that? And then that him— are you, are you afraid that he's gonna maybe say no, or he's not gonna understand?

Or do you— I'm actually at that point where, like, you know, most guys that I meet, they're like, yeah, and right, they don't care, right? Yeah, right. But yeah, it's just like, I don't wanna— I don't wanna stop the, the momentum for the flow. Yeah, I don't want to stop the flow for the flow, like I know, it is a thing.

Yeah, I mean, the momentum, like stopping the momentum, like that's like— You gotta go to the bathroom and put a tampon on. How about that? You're like, I gotta put, right. Yes. There are a lot, you can always put a sheet down. I mean, I think that's something cool to do, so if you're at his house, you don't want the sheets to get dirty. But there are some guys who are just like, okay, then I'm off. Like I've heard guys say, I'm out if you have a period, I don't want the blood, I don't wanna see it. And I'm not gonna make judgment, there's some guys who are like, I don't care, bleed all over the place, you know, I love it. So it depends on who you're with. I think if you're a guy, you know, it's good to be more open about it. I think women feel safer with men, feel safer when their guy is cool with it, especially if they're cool with it. Now there's women who don't want period sex either. There's women who are like, no way, it doesn't feel good. Like I know the first day of my period, I do not want anything near me. I don't even want to see a man that day. Like I hate all men that day. But the second day I'm fine. But the first day, if it's hard, I have cramps, I don't want it. But then after that, I'm cool. And I've been with guys who are like, bring it on. And I've been with guys who were like, like this really OCD guy I dated in San Francisco was like, literally the second we were done, he'd be like in the shower, like throwing us both in the shower, like not in a sexy way, in like a, my sheets are dirty, like, oh my God, this is gross way.

Is this the same guy who asked you to stop talking after 8?

No, no, that was a different one. He liked it.

It sounds like the same person, right?

Who would be OCD. No, I just didn't I talk too much for him. Yeah, so my boyfriend used to tell me, can we not talk so much after 8 o'clock at night and before 8 AM? I'm like, what is this? Like, are we at a hotel or something? Or like a dorm? The rules, no talking. So yeah, that would be the way, just like, I have my period. And if you're a guy, let her know that I'm cool. That's cool, babe. I still, that doesn't bother me at all. Doesn't bother you? Just like let her know if you're one of those guys that are cool with it, let her know. Because we all kind of wonder, is he gonna be weirded out? Does this mean we're not gonna have sex tonight? Yeah, definitely. And it shows that you're more open.

Yeah, and when you're— she already knows that it's gonna be awkward. She knows what she's saying is awkward, so don't be awkward back to her. Be chill, be cool about it. Like, you know, no biggie. Yeah, yeah. It's normal.

Sometimes it's like, it's that time of month, or you can just say, I have my period. Or sometimes they know beforehand, 'cause I've been like such a bitch all week or something. Okay, so the next, we covered that pretty much? That was a good little impromptu one. We literally had like a list of a million, but I know you guys don't wanna listen to me How to talk about STIs, STDs, and protection. I get asked this all, all the time. People who are starting to date again after being in long-term relationships, or just people who are just hooking up a lot and they want to know, how do I make sure that I'm protected? 1 in 5 people in the United States has an STI. 80% of people with genital herpes aren't even aware that they have it. In most women and some men, there are virtually no symptoms of STIs. Not only can a party not tell if someone has it, you guys, but the person with the STI doesn't know they have it. So, you know, that's really tricky what you do about that. There are laws now about transmission, contagious sexually transmitted diseases, and some states limit these crimes to the transmission of HIV, while others include HIV, and other, like, if you told your, so basically breaking it down, if I was, we were having sex and you told me, we were about to have sex and I said, do you have herpes or do you have an STI? And they said, no, I don't. And then we have sex and then I get it, contract one, you could go to jail or be—

You can go to jail, you can get fines. If you lie about it. There's restitution payments to the person. And then there's also, I saw was really interesting. Sex offender registration.

You could be a sex offender if you lied about it, but they have to be able to prove they didn't know. And so what we're saying in here is a lot of times, you just don't know. So even if— and then again, we're all talking about, did they get tested? They said yes. How do you know they're not lying? And even if they did get tested, maybe he had sex with someone last night before he saw you, and you don't know. So all I can say is use protection. Use condoms. And get tested regularly. And get tested regularly. Exactly. You can go to free clinics. You can go to Planned Parenthood. Don't they even have tests that you can do yet on your own?

I think they actually do have those.

You can buy them now. Right. I told my boyfriend the other day, I was like, you know, it helps to have a little touch of OCD because I have been tested every 6 months for the past, at least 5 years. It helps to worry a little bit. It does. Go with a friend, go with your partner, or just go alone. Planned Parenthood does it for so cheap, or you can get it done for free, even.

Go to your doctor. Google it. Every city has a clinic. But how do you talk to your partner if you have one? Oh, yeah. First of all, this is before you have sex, because I'll tell you a good story about this one, but if you If you really don't know and you don't know that you trust this person, and hopefully, you know, if you're with someone for a while and you do trust them and maybe they— I don't know anyone who's walking around with a laminated, like, medical record that says yes, or, like, keeps the voicemail from their doctor that says you're good to go. I mean, it's really hard to prove it, which is why I don't want to give my idea, my iPhone app idea, but it's hard to prove it. It really is. So, again, just use condoms, use protection, be careful. And keep getting tested and be honest. Now, what if you do have herpes? What if you do have something and you know it and you're taking something because, you know, how do you tell your partner? And I was with a guy that I just— I never ended up dating him, and honestly, this wasn't why, but we had been on a few dates and we were making out and it was like getting, you know, maybe we're just like fooling around, like doing a little bit, and he said, wait, I just have to tell you something. He goes, I have herpes. I take 'cause you can take daily medication that suppresses it, and I just wanted you to know that. It wasn't even like we were about to have sex that day, but it was so real and honest, and it was like, 'cause thank you for telling me, because it really doesn't trip me out. Like, if I used, and you shouldn't freak out if you have it either. Use protection, take medication. If you're not having an outbreak, you're much less likely to transmit it and to even have outbreaks again. But I love that he was just like, hands down, here's the deal. Because I had— I was dating— oh, the OCD guy. Coincidentally, I'm in his medicine cabinet, like, just getting something, like, in his bathroom, like, not snooping, just— and there was—

okay, you were snooping.

Yeah, I know, I've snooped. But it was the, um, you know, the daily, uh, the Valtrex. Valtrex. And I was like, how is he not telling me? Like, he's taking a daily thing. I'm glad he's doing that, but he didn't tell me. We've been sleeping together.

He could have gone to jail. But it's also— take him down there. Yeah, it's interesting to know that, uh If you do tell someone and they know and you pass on your STI to them, they cannot— you can't get in trouble. You can't at all. Legally, you cannot get in trouble if you have informed them. Right, okay.

So everyone, that's just— and honestly, it's again, 1 in 5 people have it. It's so common. If you know and you want to be with this person, they're going to find your Valtrex or whatever anyway. They're going to figure it out. You might as well just be honest and tell them. Okay, next sticky sitch. How to bring toys into the bedroom. This is, again, we're trying to give both sides of the equation here for men and for women. Men, don't be freaked out by her toys. I can't say it enough. Once you try it, you will actually see why women like their toys. It's not because they want you inside of their penis, it's because it just can help take them places that even if your penis had 16 double D batteries in it, it would not Are they double Ds? Is that what they're called? Ds? It would, that's a bra size. Aren't there like Ds? Double As? Oh, Ds. Yeah. Oh my God. It wouldn't do that. It wouldn't, like you can't, it's just, toys are fun to use together. Once you try it, you realize that vibrations actually feel good on your penis and your balls and you'll like it, but if you're a woman, let's say, and you're like, God, I just need my vibrator. I like to use it during sex, 'cause a lot of women just can't have an orgasm during sex. Tell them that you want to show them, you know, that you want to communicate with them and say, I've got this great fun toy I just got. I want to make it, you know, again, be like, it doesn't have to be these heavy conversations. I've got this great new toy and I just want you to see, I want you to use it on me and see what it does. It'll blow your mind. First, I think I love having sex with you. Our sex is amazing and I got to show you this killer new toy that I just got. It's a killer toy I have. It's gonna be, I always wanted to use it with someone. I think it'd be really fun to use together during sex. Definitely.

How could you say no to that?

Yeah, and let them know that it's not because they're lacking in any area, but it's that you want to enhance the awesome sex life you're also having together. You can also— another tip to bring it in is to go shopping together at a store. Like, if you're in LA, go to Hustler Stores or Good Vibes in San Francisco. I actually told a friend to do this recently. Not a friend, someone I work with. Everyone's friend, and he actually went to the Hustler store with his girlfriend, and the next week he's like, I did that, and we bought some stuff. And he's like, because he didn't know, he's like, she's really orgasmic, but we want to try toys, we don't know what to try. So they just went and they actually bought like a little bullet. So he was like, thank you. Like, because then, then, then they'd been together like a year and a half, but they were looking at the porn. And they— so it's like bringing in a third party if you are embarrassed talking about just go somewhere where it's available.

Yeah, make it a date night and get out there and maybe part ways for a little bit, see what you come back with. Maybe it's something similar, maybe it's something different. I like that idea.

That's a good one.

We have 10 minutes in the store, come back with something for the other person.

Exactly, like those shopping cart games when you have everyone fill their cart, you have 5 minutes to get whatever you want. That would be a great thing to do. Also, I have a blog, Top 5 Vibrators for Couples. I have a bunch of vibrator blogs, but check them out. WeVibe 4 is a great one, the Mimi. Check it all out. The other thing is, should we get to this for the last one? Do we have time? We're good? Okay, one more real quick. Do we complete that one? Sex toys? I mean, I know we talked about them recently, but—

I think so.

I think women shouldn't be ashamed about it if that's what you need, and guys, I really hope you open up. Be open. I'm telling you guys, like, once they try it, my experience, guys, you've never tried it, because believe me, if you're with me, you're gonna use some toys. It's part of my job. I gotta test them out. They get into it. They're like, where are your toys? Bring them around. Guys who were hesitant, guys who were scared, are like, holy moly, this thing is so cool, because you're using it and you're in control, and it seems kind of— it's cool. And so you like the vibration as well.

My line for getting a guy to use a vibrator in bed is like, I say what you suggested to say. I was like, oh, well, I just got this new toy, let's try it out. And I say it just like that, just kind of like grab it in the moment and like just very assuredly confident, like, like, oh. And so when they're like, oh, I'm like, oh, you've, you've never tried a toy? And I'm like, there's a little part of me that kind of feels a little guilty for being like, oh, you've never— right, right, right.

It makes them feel like, yeah, yeah, it makes them feel like, oh, is she—

her sex game's all up there. I gotta like— I love it. And then that's how I got That's how I got the last two guys to use toys, and they were very hesitant. Now both of them know where my toy drawer is.

They go into your toy drawer and they plan out— I know this guy I was dating was like, okay, he would tell me when I was coming over, he's like, bring this, bring this, and he would text me a list of which toys he wanted.

You created a monster.

I did. He's like, can we get some more of those? And whatever the nipple clamps. I mean, the whole thing, it's fun. It's like sex is all about spicing up and keeping it interesting. So don't freak out about it and just talk about it. Okay, how to get out of the friend zone. This is a really popular question we get asked often by men because women, they're interested in someone and we all know as women, let's be honest, if a guy suddenly wants to be our friend, we don't think he wants to sit around and play video games. Is that true?

I think that's true. I mean, you kind of know.

You know that like he'll be your friend, but in the back of your mind he wants to bang you but he's pretending he's being your friend. So don't even start out— I mean, I get some people just like You start at work and you are friends and then— So how do you get out of the friend zone? Don't let it carry on so long with this person. Let's say you guys always go to drinks after work or it's been going on for months or every day you eat lunch. You got to get yourself out of it. You got to ask her out and say, "Let's go to dinner. You want to get drinks tomorrow night?" And then if you're in a situation, just go for the kiss. Don't ask. That's another thing we were talking about earlier. What happens when you guys ask for a kiss? "Can I kiss you? Do you mind if I kiss you?" Automatic female boner killer.

Boner killer for a female.

Boner killer for the lady, yeah.

Yeah, I have a friend and she's gone on like 3 or 4 dates with this guy and he's asked her repeatedly at the end of every date, "Can I kiss you?" And you know what she says? She wants to, but she says no.

That— it's not hot. It's like, go for it. So if you're in the friend zone and you're like, "Oh my God, we won't be friends anymore and she's gonna be upset," let me tell you something. First of all, you don't really want to be friends with her because you want to kiss her, so you're gonna be upset. And I've had guy friends, and it's work sometimes, who've tried to kiss me and I'm like, "No, I'm not into him," and then I am. Like, we kiss and it's great. Or they try to kiss me and "I don't want to kiss him, but I'm not going to end the friendship," because we already know as women there's going to come a point where that's already what you're thinking and you want to try it anyway. So be aggressive, be assertive. I mean, not aggressive, but aggressive sounds like— I hate saying be aggressive, but be assertive and go for it. Take yourself out of there and let her know that you're interested.

Yeah, and instead of saying, "Can I kiss you?" say, "I want to kiss you." Or, "I'm going to kiss you." Just kiss her. "I'm going to kiss you right now." Right, that's hot.

'Right.' And another way to get— yeah, just—

well, I'm a lady who makes the first move, and that— and I've— I— trust me, like, I've had a couple different lines, but that tends to be the one. 'I want to kiss you right now.' Wow.

Yeah, that's hot. Would someone want you right now? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm all into the nonverbal signs. Okay, when I have like a guy friend who I'm like into, and I'm like, 'Okay, I'm gonna make this happen,' because It's not always that we see you and we like you right away. It's we see you and your mind attracts us, and all of a sudden, wow, I'm really into him. What do I do? We've been friends. I— it's us too. The lingering eye contact always works. Oh, always letting, like, you know, laughing but holding that eye contact a little too, almost, almost to where it's uncomfortable. And I think that kind of— that's right.

So that's how you let him know that you're interested. Yeah.

And it kind of creates this little spark that people like. I think it's the uncomfortableness that kind of makes you feel like there's something there. Like, you're so right. And it's never failed me. I, I do it all the time with guys and that I've been friends with, and they respond right away. Like, it's not always what you say, it's like the, the low or the lowered voice, the, you know, right?

Make her know that you want it. That's a good one. I had a guy— it's so funny, Lauren, because I totally forgot about this, that A guy I dated years ago, we were friends, we were working together, and one day it just— he held my gaze for a few more seconds than, than he ever had. And I— and it was on after that. I was like, wow, I never— oh, something switched at that moment. You're so right. Never nailed that. You still remember that? No, I still— it's been years. Okay, that's a great point. Yeah.

And I think go for it, like male, female, whatever. Go for it once, maybe twice, and that's That's it.

Right. If they turn you away twice, you're wrong. But you're not— what's the worst thing that happens?

You get rejected. Yeah, keep going.

We've all been rejected. We're open there. Or you're going to be friends with her, and that's it. But that's what you've got to do. Don't talk about your relationship and I'm afraid this is going to spoil it, wah, wah, wah. We don't want to talk about that. Just try it. So these are some sticky situations. If you have any more questions for me that I didn't answer here, and I'm sure, you can check them all out on my podcast or just email me. I love hearing from you all. Feedback@sexwithemily.com. Please follow me on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and all that stuff. I love it. It's all Sex with Emily, and I also do Loveline, which is a podcast actually, and it's live in some cities, but you can check out that podcast as well. I'm on every Thursday night. And thank you so much, Carolyn and Lauren. You guys are awesome. This has been really fun. And thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com. Hey, thanks so much. Hope everyone enjoyed the show. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. And one of the reasons you're able to listen to us for free is because of the incredible people at goodvibes.com. They carry all the best sex toy brands. You can get the Vibratax Dahlia, the Vibratax Rabbit Habit, which I love. You can even get the most strongest, the strongest, most orgasmic vibrator of all time, the Magic Wand. You've heard me talk about that one. Anything you want under the sun, goodvibes.com. Use code GVEMILY20, you get 20% off. You can check out all my favorite toys. You can also go to sexwithemily.com, click on the Good Vibes banner, but go support them. They're sex positive, they're friendly, they got the best toys ever, and check it out, you'll like it. And thanks everyone for listening to the show. TrueCar.com is changing car buying forever. Yes, every day TrueCar users receive negotiation-free guaranteed savings. Some features not available in all states. In the first 3 months this year, over 126,000 cars were sold by the TrueCar Certified Dealer Network. TrueCar saves an average of $3,000 off MSRP. When you're ready to buy a car, just follow these 3 easy steps, which I'm actually about to do, so I'm doing all of these. First, go to TrueCar.com and find out what other people paid for the car you're looking for. Makes sense. Then register at TrueCar.com to see upfront pricing information and lock in your savings. Third step is simple. Just print out your TrueCar savings certificate and take it to the TrueCar certified dealer for a better hassle-free car buying experience. Remember, every day TrueCar users receive negotiation-free guaranteed savings. Save time, save money, and never overpay because that just sucks. Visit TrueCar.com today. That's TrueCar.com.