Connected & Sexy with Violet Benson

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Like, a lot of times women, we talked about this. Like, women don't. So a lot of times, like if, if someone tells you, I don't care if I make more money than you, I'm just like, I just want to support your, like, dreams and just support me back. Like, they mean it. Like, women need that emotional support.

We need emotional. I don't need it. Yeah, I don't need a guy's money.

And it's like, but they can't take.

It because of like, all men can take it. Some.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show I'm joined by host of the Too Tired to Be Crazy podcast and the Daddy Issues account on Instagram, Violet Benson to talk about mindsets, what makes great sex, and so much more. Topics include what it's like to recognize when you're feeling depressed and when you're Actually depressed. Why? Great connected sex is all about letting go and not worrying about what you look like or sound like. Self sabotage. How? How do we stop getting in our own way? And why putting yourself first isn't selfish, but necessary. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But, you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. subscribe to the podcast. Like, right now. While you're listening, you can just, boop, go and subscribe. That totally helps the show. We appreciate it. And find me on all social media. All of it. Sex with Emily everywhere. All right, enjoy the show. My girl, Violet Benson is here. Violet, if you don't know, she created Daddy issues Instagram account on 2014. God, you've been killing it for a long time. She's also got her podcast, Too Tired to be Crazy, which I've been on a few times. And we've become fast friends, and I adore her. And Violet's here to check out to talk about a lot of things today. And you can also find you at. What? Violet Benson. Where do you want people to follow you? All 16 accounts.

Yes. 21, actually. No, you can follow me. You can find me on Instagram. I'm Viola Benson at daddyissues Underscore Tootart to be Crazy, which is my podcast, which is awesome. Thank you.

I cried listening to it this morning. It's not like you cry a lot listening to her podcast.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. I feel like so many episodes. I are so emotional. But so many episodes are fun, too. But, yeah, you were listening to my depression episode, so that. That was a hard episode to do in general.

Yeah, but it was really honest and open and brave to talk about depression because I feel like so many people. I've gone through depression. I feel like it's really common and you really spent time breaking it down and saying, like, this is how you know if you're depressed or you're just sad and you just got into. You had some good quotes. I don't know if we just start with depression. Maybe it's a downer.

No, it's not a downer. But I thought that was, like, really important, like, because I. I talked about when I battled with clinical depression two, three years ago, and then how there's moments, whether you battle with it in general so it just stays with you, or whether you not sure if you have the pressure or not. I. I told. I was kind of explaining how important it is to actually be aware of what you're going through. Because recently this year, I was going through a lot of different obstacles, and I had moments where I was getting really sad. And in that moment, I feel like sometimes we use the word depression loosely. So you're like, oh, I'm so depressed. Like, I didn't get my mocha latte today or whatever. Or like, I'm feeling really.

That does suck when you don't get a mocha latte.

Sure. But you're not depressed. Or like, even when I was going through, like, real serious obstacles was like, oh, I'm so depressed. And then in my head. So then I feel like that made me scared because I was like, am I actually depressed? So then that's when I sat and I really thought about it. And I think that's what made me realize I need to do this podcast that episode. Because it was important to kind of tell the difference, because in my head, I sat. I sat there and I said, okay, wait, am I depressed? Do I have moments throughout the day where even a tiny one moment where I feel happiness or I'm smiling. Okay, yeah, I had a moment where I left. Do I have moments where. Did I get out of bed today? Yes, I did get out of bed today. Okay. And, like, just being aware that, like, I gotta bed today. And I had a moment that I laughed, like, knowing that you had a moment of some happiness that told me right away. Oh, so whatever I'm experiencing, I. It can get better. Because if I had that one moment of laughter, tomorrow maybe I'll have two moments of laughter.

Right?

And that tells me I'm not stuck in depression. There's hope. And once you kind of like, process those things in your brain, it kind of helps you realize, oh, I'm feeling depressed. I'm not depressed exactly. Because depression is physically so painful, it's crippling and depression, real depression called depression. You can't get out of bed.

And, like, even you can't get out of bed. You feel the negative thoughts don't stop.

Exactly.

Train.

Walking to the kitchen. Even walking to the kitchen to grab food seems, like, so hard and whatever. So if you have these. So that's why once you're able to kind of distinguish the few little differences and you have a little. Then you realize, oh, I can get out of it. Oh, I'm feeling depressed. Meaning this isn't permanent.

Right.

Okay.

None of it's permanent either. I mean, when you're really deep in depression, it feels like it's permanent. And you're like, I'll never get out of this. And that's when people are drastic and they do things that, you know, we. That are not great. So that's why I think also the thing that you said in there that was so helpful and which I could totally relate to when I felt depressed or feeling depression. Not clinically, but I have been clinically depressed. But when I. It's usually when I reach out to somebody or I call a friend or I call my family. My family's not great with it. But you talked about a conversation with your mom, and you're like, I hadn't told anybody because you had so much shame around feeling sad. You're like, it's such a weakness is what you thought. And I think a lot of us think, well, if I'm sad or depressed, then I'm weak. And you said something about your sister saying, like, how come you always have something going on? And I could totally relate because my bro. My older brother's the same way. He was always like, you can't be sad. Like, it's just a. It's a choice. It's a choice. And it's like, it's not a choice. You know what I'm saying? And I didn't feel understood. But then you started talking to your mom, and you talked to her for an hour, and you guys cried together. I was like that.

So I don't want to make you sad.

I know, but I thought it was just. I just thought it was really. I thought it was really important to say that even you have all that. You're like. And you said to yourself, you were reading back your journal from a few years ago. You're like, here, I have everything. I'm successful, and I have everything I want, but I'm still depressed, which almost makes you feel worse.

Oh, yeah.

You know, so.

Oh, oh, my God. I'm getting sad thinking about, oh, my God, I'm such an emotional person. I think I'm just getting sad thinking about those moments because I don't feel any of that at all now. I'm in such a better place in general, in my brain in general. But, like, just thinking of that moment, like, remembering that moment where I finally. I read my mother a poem that I wrote in order to hint to her how I was feeling. And, like, the support that I got. And what I talked about on that episode is that it was this weird feeling of the minute I talked about what I was experiencing. It set me free in a weird way because it was no longer like, my dirty little secret, the emotions I was experiencing. Now I was free. Like, I set it out in the world. And that was already, like, a relief. And I think that's why it's so important to talk to the people that you love. Because if there is someone in your life that doesn't understand that they shouldn't.

Be in your life, they're not your personal.

I think you'll be surprised sometimes by how much people would be there for you if you. If you had the courage to reach out.

Right, Exactly. That's what it is. It's about the courage. And it's about getting help and not feeling shame about it and knowing that people. I just can relate to that feeling. Like, I've got everything going on, but why do I feel so depressed? And you don't like yourself. You don't like who you are.

It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing when you go through that moment where you're feeling down and you can't pinpoint it because it's much easier. It's much easier to be sad and connected to something like, oh, this boy's breaking my heart. That's why I'm sad. Or I lost my job. That's why I'm sad. It's much easier to connect your pain because then you can go from there and heal it versus just be sad for no reason. That's harder because it's. You're like, okay, where do I work from? Like, how do I fix this if I don't know what's wrong?

Right. And nothing should be wrong. So then you feel worse because nothing should be wrong. So then you therapy. And that was really helpful for you, right?

Therapy. Writing about it, talking about it, being conscious of who I surround myself with, or just doing things like knowing that this isn't forever is what really helped me, like, to kind of train my brain and like, even, like, the environment that you're around, like, for Example, this year has been really hard for me. I didn't sink in in the depression that I was three years, but I definitely have moments I was depressed because I had a lot of obstacles. But I've noticed, like, little things helped me. Like, I feel like this year I've learned that it's okay to not always be independent. And I've learned that it's okay to ask friends for help. And I've learned that, like, holy shit. I would not have survived this year without my friends. And I feel so thankful for my friends. And I feel like it was really cool for me to learn that I don't always have to do everything on my own.

Yeah, exactly.

Like, it's. It's okay.

Exactly. It is. And I think that we think it's a weakness, especially, I think women like us. I think we're similar, like, very independent. We've done it all on our own. We created all this stuff that, like, I would never want to be a burden on someone or ask them for help. And then I realized that the friends who are my closest friends, they. They reach out to me. I would do anything for them, so why wouldn't they for me? Or. Even if you don't have these kind of friends, that's how you build friendships, is when you're there for. You show up for them, they show up for you, and then you're like, oh, yeah, like, we're. We're in this.

So, yeah, like, I. I feel like I've always focused so much on always being strong for everyone else and for myself. And this year I learned that sometimes it's okay to not be strong for myself, and sometimes it's okay to allow someone else to be strong for me. And I feel like I wouldn't have been able to survive this year without these people who surprised me with how much they were there for me. Even. Even moments where my. A friend of mine could feel like I'm experiencing something, and she knows me so well that I won't talk about things that she would just hang around me, and just hanging around me without even talking about my feelings would help me and cheer me up. And, like, I switched rooms in my house. My. My. The room I was staying at for the longest time when I just moved to my new house was super dark. Every furniture was black. And I kind of like, misery loves company. It's like almost like I wanted to wake up miserable, and I went to sleep miserable because it's a really dark room. And my mom and someone else recommended to move downstairs where the room looks out of view and just. Just like that. Like, little difference. That. To get to wake up with, like, blue skies and seeing this beautiful view and feeling so lucky and fortunate that I get to even. This is my life. Like, how can I wake up being upset when, like, I'm so fortunate to be looking at this beautiful nature. Beautiful view.

It was just nature. No, that is so true. And also being grateful. So that was the other thing, is that I was listening to when you were at the end. You're like, just stop for a moment. And it was funny. Cause I was actually finishing it as I was pulling up to work, and I was listening to it. And it's like, I've got all. You know, things are always busy. I've got. I have obstacles. I love what you're saying, because you could say problems, but it's like, it's obstacles. There's a lot of things that come up. But it's all good stuff. If I look at it, it's like, growth in my business and trying to manage everything. Like, that's good shit. And I sat there in my car, and I was listening to you saying, like, being grateful. And I literally sat out in my car in front, and I was like, okay. And I had this moment where I turned it off, and I was like, I am so grateful. I get to go in, I get to see my amazing staff, this company that they. Everyone works so hard doing what I freaking love. And I've been all caught up in this storm of, like, oh, there's so much going on. And I just literally had a moment where my heart opened. I was about to cry in my car. Like, I'm like, but they're waiting for me inside. Like, but I feel. I felt so grateful. So all that stuff about, like, say what you're grateful for, what you're thankful for every night, or have a gratitude journal. Like, all that shit works. You take a moment, you sink into it. Like, even if you're like, but, Emily, I have nothing to be grateful for. Violet, you're so lucky. You have everything. And no, like, just. Even if you're like, I'm grateful that I made my bed this morning, or I'm grateful that I like my hair or whatever the fuck it is. It could be little things.

No, it is really cool. Like, it's like I said before, even if you don't believe in God or you do, or if you're always. If you do, if you do believe in. I do. But, like, just have moments where if you're Praying to God, or you're praying to whomever you want to pray, or you're just asking for something instead of. Just catch yourself instead of constantly asking for something, just have a moment where you just sit down, you're just like, hey, I'm grateful for this and this and this. Or write it down. I did the other day. And it's so.

It really works.

It's so heartwarming. Like, and it's not like, oh, I'm grateful for losing £2. I'm talking about, like, I'm grateful that I got out of bed today because three years ago, it was really hard for me to get right. Or, like, I'm grateful that I, as an immigrant, I live in America now. And, like, I have all these opportunities. So I'm grateful that I woke up today. I'm grateful that my. I have people that love me. Like, I'm so grateful for that part. Like, I feel like I've really learned how to be grateful for that part this year.

It's true. The people in your life, I mean, at the end of the day, that's what I always think about is, like, the people around me, my friends, my family, my staff. It's like my team, where, you know, and when you take a moment, you're like, wow, this is. There's love. There's love. There's people that care that'll be there.

And I'm also grateful for people who didn't love me, because that's how I learned what real love was. And. And there's like, an actual quote that says, it's always the people who didn't love you that taught you the most about love. And it's so true. So, like, I'm also grateful for all the people that didn't love me and the people that hurt me, because that did make me so much stronger. That did. That did take them away out of my life. That did show me who I don't want to become, what I don't deserve. Like, I don't deserve to feel like this or like that. So, like, I think it's important. Once you change your perspective, it's helpful. And obviously, some days you can't be so, like, it's not like every day I'm walking around, like, you know, on. It feels like I'm walking on water because I'm so, like, in my brain, spiritual and all that. No, of course I have shitty days. And especially right now. December is hard.

Yeah, it is hard. I've been feeling down this week, too. I'm like, oh, my God, there's so much. And the holidays and all that stuff. It's really hard.

No, it's not just that. It gets dark. Oh, that too.

Yesterday it's like four o' clock dark.

It's depressing. So it's like really, really, really long nights. And I think it makes people feel more depressed faster.

Yeah.

Because at 4pm I already don't want to work anymore.

Right.

And I'm one and I'm sleepy and I'm tired and it's 4pm and then, then, yeah. Depression can start to kick in, like anxiety. Depression is knocking on your door to hang out.

Yeah. You're like, hey, don't come in. I'm waiting for postmates. It's so true. I was thinking, though, and then we're going to get on to what we've learned from relationships too, because I think that's a good one. And boys and sex. Yeah. But is that. I was remembering a moment where you had a moment where you said you, like, prayed to God and who, whoever your being is. And you were like, I. And then for the first time you said thank you in that when you went to gratitude, I was like, God. I remembered this time, like year 10, probably, because I've been to 10, 12 years ago when I was starting this and it was really hard. I was in San Francisco and I was struggling and I was broken. Like, nothing was working out. It was like the recession, 2009. And I just remember being like sitting on my bed and just like crying and for, like, just remember looking at, like, like looking up at like, whoever and just being like, please help me. Like, like, help me get through this. And I just remember this moment. It was so. Those moments that you're just like on your knees and you're just like, I just want to do good in the world and I want to just help people and do this thing. Like, just help me. Thank you. And I remember, just. I'll never forget that because it was a moment where I truly felt connected and grateful and like I was going to be okay because it was such a real moment. When you break down, like sometimes when you break down or when you're hurt or someone hurts you is when you actually are changing and learning the most. So if you're walking along going, everything's fine, everything's good all the time, that doesn't really serve you. You appreciate the ups and downs.

Yeah. You can't appreciate the ups without the downs.

Exactly. So thank you for the downs. Thank you, Viol.

That was a really Deep intro. Oh, my God.

I think that's gonna help a lot of people, though. So talk to someone. Reach out. And gratitude. All that stuff works. Okay. Violet. Hi, babe. Okay, so what else is going on? Tell me about love, dating, men, what you've learned. Anything you've learned. What's going on.

Oh, my God. So I remember the last episode when you came on my podcast Too Tight to Be Crazy.

When you went on my podcast and we kind of talked about some stuff. And I feel like I always try to see the best in people. Always. Also kind of say the good things about people in general, even if it's not good, because, like, I think it's important.

It's not that I'm fake, but I'm not gonna trash someone on anywhere, you know? But I thought it was interesting how when we're talking about sex and stuff, I felt like I was talking about some guy, and I was like, I have a hard time. I don't feel like I was comfortable coming yet.

Right, right.

And it felt like it. When I was talking about it, it felt like now looking back, it felt like it needed so much work with this person, even sexually. And instead of, like, being like, oh, maybe we're just not connecting, I thought, like, I just need to figure out it was my fault, that I need to figure out how to, like, oh, I'm doing something wrong, or we just need to figure it out. We just need to work on it, versus, like, maybe it's just not right. You know?

I'm saying, just not your guy.

There was, like, so many red flags, and I only see it now because then I love that the next person I slept with. It just felt fucking right.

Right?

And I was like, oh, yeah, I love this.

I feel like every time I'm on your show, there are these little moments of, like, therapy or breakthroughs. I think that's awesome because it's so true. If you're having this much problem at the beginning of a relationship. So what you're saying is even if it's like three months in or six months in or whatever, it was a month. If it's that hard and you're struggling with, like, sex and. Or they're not texting you or they're being flaky or it's going back and forth, pretty much people show you who they are, Believe them. My mom says the issues you have in the first date, you'll have forever. So it's such a great example that you just said that, like, it was really hard with this person, and Then you met someone and you're having amazing sex and there's no problems in that department.

Yeah, it was just crazy because I'm always so drawn to emotions. And this guy, like we liked each other since last year and then he has like so many emotions. But I think eventually I was drowning in his emotions. That's. That was a problem. But I just assume because I'm an emotional lover, I just assume that that means our sex would be mind blowing because we're both emotional and we'll just be like feeling each other. And I never mentioned this on my fucking podcast, but I'll just be open right now.

Do a girl.

There was so like, I think when you're having sex, that's when all your concerns and thoughts go out the window. Like you are two animals just fucking.

Right.

You can make love, you can fuck, whatever. But like you're just enjoying each other's bodies in the moment. I can't stand people to overthink everything. And one thing I didn't mention on my podcast, cuz I. I was like, no. Trying to pretend like. Yeah, well, I was trying to pretend like everything's fine and that's normal. It wasn't normal. Like having sex with this guy, he would suddenly be like, you moan too loud. Do you always moan like this? I don't know.

Because I would have fucking did not tell you. I would have told you to call him and dump him in that moment.

Yeah.

That's so hurtful.

I never got that before. By the way. No one has ever told me that I'm a loud moaner. Like usually. And because. Because he was so insecure, he felt like if I moan too loud, like I'm faking and it's not real.

It's always never about you, what they're saying.

Exactly. Or like, oh, he made some weird comment about the way I kiss. You're just like, oh, it's probably your veneers that kind of forward. So maybe that's why you bite so all the time or like something. It was weird. Oh, that really weirded me out because I'm really weird about my teeth. There's like a full on episode of my podcast about my teeth.

Yeah, because you were born without.

Yeah, with some special stuff that have to do with my teeth and I get sensitive about that. So it was just like, that was such a.

So hurtful. Okay, this is like bring me up.

Just to bring me down, really.

And it's not even conscious. Just so you know. Maybe it is with this guy. But if anyone is hearing your wisdom right now. They're making you feel fat, ugly, and the way you're having sex is weird or wrong.

I think you leave that situation or you address that person because they are a bully. They might not see that it's toxic, but it's gonna stay with you. And that is just. I promise you can be people who will not feel that way. And it's about that. Yeah.

But the thing is, is that. Let me just say this right now, that doesn't make them a bad person. It just means that it's there because I've learned about this is their attachment styles. And a lot of times people self sabotage, like overly do it. And I think that's what was happening. So we just.

He didn't want to get too close. Yeah. No one.

Yeah. We weren't right for each other. He's not a bad person. He was just bad for me. And comment like it suddenly I was self conscious being naked in front of him. I don't want to do that. Like what the hell? And then with the other guy who's been my friend for years, when we both didn't expect to like feel anything when we slept together, we both were like, oh my God, this just feels right. And it just felt so fucking right. I mean, I literally forgot about the other guy. So.

Yeah, well, that's the thing. It's like you, only that's what we're talking about. You have to go through the lows to get to the highs. But don't stay in the lows with someone who makes you feel low. And I'm so with you that I don't. And this is, I think one of my strengths. But sometimes it can be, I don't know, maybe I guess there's always a shadow side to what your strengths are. But I do think that I actually do see. I'm not Pollyanna ish, but I do see the good in everybody. Like I. And I actually think that even people have been the worst to me. I can see why they do it. I know their history, their childhood, their background, their insecurities. Even if I don't know even their background. I can see why someone. So usually people push your buttons because of their own stuff that they can't even see yet. So I'm not even saying telling you. If I just told you to end it with someone who's not there's. You should protect yourself. I think sometimes we don't want to stand up for ourselves or we also take their side like someone criticize us sometimes you you're with depends who you're hanging out with. It could be a friend or a lover, but they'll say something bad about you. And then sometimes it, depending on where you're at with your own mental state, you might agree with them if it's conscious or not be like, oh my God, he's right, my teeth do stick out far or whatever. Or when we're strong, we're like, fuck you. But since we don't realize we're doing it, that we end up believing what they're saying about us.

Yeah.

So take your power back.

Yeah. So like, I feel like the next time I was sleeping with them, suddenly I'm like more self conscious of like my moaning and things like that. And it's like, I don't want that.

Like, I want, by the way, it is. And you could be with the guy, the person who's like, oh, my God, louder. Like, your moaning is so hot. Because that's happened to me too. Like, someone's like, you're really loud. Maybe he had roommates, I don't remember, but I was like, and I'm so loud, like, I could break windows.

Like, legit.

It is fun. And I've gotten louder as I'm older because I'm so, like, I think I just like, my orgasms are stronger and I'm just like, I don't freaking care. And if someone's gonna tell me they can't, like, put on earplugs.

Have you ever. Do you feel like sex is different with people that you care about or.

Like, I think if you actually have trust with someone and you care about them, it doesn't end about love. Maybe you love them, but you just, you know them and you have a history together. I think that for me and for many, you feel safer. And then you feel like you can be yourself because you feel accepted whole, like360, like everywhere accepted. And then you can let go because the act of really connected great sex is an act of letting go. But if you're worried about like sucking your stomach in or not making noise or whatever else this guy said you're not, it's not going to be as great as sex.

Do you feel like sex is different when you're sober versus when you're drunk?

Yes.

Do you feel like when two people have sex for the first time, they should be sober for it to really feel it?

Or like, I think most people are not sober when they have sex for the first time or when they kiss for the first time. Do I think not most. Okay. Many people.

No, you're right. Most of the time.

Many times are like, it's a social lubricant. I'm a few. I'm a buzzed the first time I kiss someone or have sex with them. Ideally, I think sober sex is great. Like morning sex. Unless you've been partying all night. You know, I think that depends what kind of like, drinking or marijuana or marriage or weed. Yeah. I think. I think it's different for everybody. I think if you're just like, a little buzz sometimes it's like. Can help you, like, let go of your inhibitions. But I think if you're black. I've never been a fan of blackout drunk sex.

Right. No. Yeah.

Blackout sex to me is like, I'm more like, remember that it happened. Maybe. But I feel like. I mean, I think it's. People get to decide for themselves, but if you realize that you have to be wasted every time you have sex. And that's something I would look at.

I feel like I've never really had the first. I've never. I feel like the first time with a guy, I don't think I've ever.

Sober. Yeah.

Yeah. Except the last time. The last guy I slept with, we were both super sober for it. And I was like, in my head afterwards, I was like, do we feel it all because we were sober or like, maybe what just happened and you were both sober.

Wow.

And, like, even when he entered me, because we're, like, very similar people. We're both like, oh, my God, we're having sex. This is so crazy.

That's so hot.

Have you guys ever, like, have you ever liked. Being a friend is just weird because you're, like, in that moment where you're about to cross the line, like, and you can't go back.

Well, it's kind of hot, too, because you have this forbidden. You just think, oh, my God, we're not gonna do this. We're just gonna be friends. And then you're doing it. It's kind of like when you have an affair. Like, someone cheats, but this way it's like, you're not even cheating. You're just breaking a boundary. Yeah, so that too.

And I love.

So see, that's a good that. I think sober sex would be better.

I feel like I could have written a poem.

You should. I love your poetry. I only heard your depression poem, but. Which was good. But we won't go back to that. Tell me about what made. Like, I want you to explain to me because you've had sex with others. What was it about this moment? It just felt connected. You don't have to. You seem enchanted by it. So what's connected versus unconnected sex? Feel like.

I feel like, first of all, a. I feel like it's so funny when a girl talks about things versus when a guy tries to sound like a douche. And, like, I feel like if he talked about it out loud or talked about any sex stuff. I know you probably sound super douchey. Versus me, I'm gonna be like, don't have the langu. No, they do. They do in real life. They just pretend like they go, yeah, for. To protect character or whatever, but fuck it. I'll just be honest. I don't care how he acts in public or whatever. Yeah. Like, the first time he had sex, which was pretty recently, the reason I felt different was a maybe because I knew him and, like, you were comfortable. Yeah, it was just like, oh, my God. Okay, here. This is what it is. I'm really emotional, and he's not. But we're both very intense people, so we're both very passionate intense. So then I brought my emotion intensity in, and then he brought his, like, other type of, like, intensity in, so we made up for the other thing that the other person lacked. I can't explain it.

Right.

And then it was just, like, so much fucking passion. So intense. But it wasn't passion, like, where we're, like, fucking. The shit of each other was, like.

Literally, like, slow, like, love me.

It was honest, weird. Like, we were, like, making love sober, and it was so crazy, and I was just, like, taken back because I wasn't expecting to feel everything I felt. And, like. And I could feel his emotions. And he's not an emotional person, so it's kind of cool to, like, you.

Know, they just block it.

Yeah, he's on emotional.

Everyone is. Right. I'm.

That's what I'm saying. Right. I'm more intuitive than him. I feel more. I feel other people. He's not that type person like you. When he does something wrong, you need to explain to him what's wrong. Like, he doesn't feel your emotions, but, like, we felt each other's emotions. We were so connected, and it just felt right. And then, like, our energies just.

Right.

It was crazy. Like. And then the second time we slept together, because we only slept twice, because it literally in the second time was a few days ago. The second time we slept together, like, I thought. I think we both were kind of wondering if it's gonna be sober Again? Yeah.

Okay.

No, actually, this time I took, like. I drank, like, half a glass of rose.

Okay.

Just to, like, loosen up. And I wanted to see, I think, because he. I was like, did you feel something?

Like.

And he was like, yeah, it just felt right. It was so weird. And I was like, I know. So the second time we slept together, I wanted to see if it would be there, too. And it's like, yeah, it's there. Just, like, this intensity. Like, I could fuck. I could fuck this guy for a whole day and not get bored.

Wow.

Like, I get bored people easily. And, like, I could never get bored with him. Oh, my God.

This could be. This is amazing. Did you have pleasure? Do you have orgasms? Was there?

Honestly, I didn't even come, but it's like. I can't explain the. Because I'm addicted to, like, emotional intensity. And, like, what? It was just like. And I think he was getting nervous about.

Wanting to come too fast.

Right? Like, okay, I'm just going to say this.

I'm going to. I'm going to embarrass him. I feel so bad, but he's never going to know I'm talking about him.

Okay, okay.

The first time we slept together, like, he felt intensity, too. And I think he, like, wanted to come really fast, which is fine. I don't mind. But I think it's because we had such a good connection and he's probably.

Been in love with you the whole time you've been friends. I'm just. I'm just saying, for a guy, he probably is like, I can't believe this is happening.

Oh, he said that? Yeah.

Yeah.

I can't believe we're having sex. I was like, everything you're feeling. Me too. I feel it, too. Because we're very similar where we're childish a little bit, like, in our love language.

What is your love language again?

I don't know, but I know I'm childish.

Okay. That's not one of them words. Okay.

No, I need. I need words of affirmation. I don't know how I show. Whatever. Anyway, so, like, he. He has this thing that if he. And he kind of mentioned one time on one of his podcasts.

Okay.

That he has a thing where if you really like someone, he'll wants it to kind of be perfect. So I understand why, like, he wanted to be perfect. So then he, like, didn't want to come too fast. So then he would stop and he would, like, start, like, walking around my room and just, like, looking me be like, oh, my God. I can't believe this happened. Oh, my gosh.

He was nervous too.

Yeah. And I was like, get back here. It's fine. Relax. And then we go back to having sex and you're just like, sorry. It's just like, it's like 10 years of sexual tension or sexual tension and it's like we're actually doing. And I was like, relax. I know. I feel the same.

Oh, that's nice.

It was. It was awesome. Like, I loved it.

It was just like, you felt safe, you felt comfortable.

Yeah. And the cool thing about it is that, like, after we slept together.

I didn't feel this need to.

Like, I felt. I. Yeah, literally something about it. Like, I felt safe because, like, I know him so well that I didn't feel the need to get crazy the next day or to start to get jealous about something because I just know, like, how we felt about each. And I just felt, like, safe where I was just calm. And it's really hard for me. Something to understand at this point in my life. I feel, like, healthy boundaries with people or, like, healthy type of friendships, relationships with people that, like, I was. I was almost weirded out by how healthy we are with each other to the point that today I self sabotaged it because.

Yeah, what you do, Like.

Well, last night I got really high.

All right. We talked on the phone for a second. She kind of remembers. Yeah.

I tried an edible for the first time in my life.

First time. Okay.

And I swear I lost seven hours of my life. I was just sitting, staring at the wall, and a lot of it. Like, I think I was like, just sitting also thinking about him. Like, my thoughts have thoughts.

Yeah.

Like, edibles are crazy, right? I literally. It was like, what is that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio? It was Inception, but with my thoughts while I was awake. Okay. Half of the time I was like, am I sleeping? And then when I was sleeping, closing my eyes, I was like, was I awake this whole time? So fucking weird. And then, like, I think I watched some video of the guy that I've been friends with, and the video didn't. He made some joke, like, some egotistical joke. And because I know him so well, right? I knew that he was lying. He was either making up the story. It was like, on Today, what didn't actually happen. So I knew it was like, for his character making up a story or like, he completely exaggerated it. So I actually did not even give a shit.

Okay.

But another part of me was like, why don't I care? I should care. Isn't this the point in. In my quote unquote, when I'm talking to someone when I would, like, self sabotage. Freak out.

Yeah.

And then.

And you didn't.

I didn't because I didn't care. And it bothered me that I didn't care. So when I woke up, because I'm so comfortable with work, with us, and it feels really weird to me because it's. That's a. This is a new ground for me to walk on. I forgot the last time where I felt so safe.

Yeah, I love this. And you see, this is. I love every time I see you, like, every few months, like, you're moving through stuff.

He's just so fucking respectful of me. I hate it.

Okay, so. So wait, so what about sabotage?

How are you. So I woke up today and I freaked out in my brain about the fact that I sat for so many hours thinking about him and confused about things. The fact that I felt so comfortable about things that I was like, what the fuck? This is not. I'm like, okay, no, I'm like, is this in my head? Do I like him? Wait, does he think I like him? Does he know I like him? Does he like me? What is happening? This is too calm. Like, this is not okay, you know what? Fuck it. I should send this one text. No, V, don't send this text. You're like, you don't even care. And I was like, nah. And I made a big deal about that video that I saw.

Right.

I didn't even give a shit about it, but I was kind of like.

You were high or this morning?

This morning. Because I freaked out that I sat for so many hours thinking, okay, so what happened scared me.

Okay, so I felt like it was the weed, though.

In the morning, though.

Okay, in the morning, you were still thinking about it.

It freaked me out that I sat for. Yeah, it was the weed. But I didn't know how to react. And I almost felt like I needed to start a fight on purpose.

That's what you do to sabotage. Okay?

I needed to start a fight to take space. I needed to find a reason for this to not feel too okay.

Because you're not used to it. Because you're so used to feeling drama with people. So it's familiar with the wrong people.

Yes. It felt too healthy to me. And I was like, maybe he wants me to react like this. Maybe. Maybe he's going to get bored with me if I don't react like this. And it was all these thoughts. And I was like, maybe am I boring or maybe he's bored. Maybe he doesn't even like me. Maybe I've been thinking about this too much, and then I wish we met.

A few hours ago. He's a witch.

And I sent him this, like, text about, like, wait, you said this and this on this and that. Like, wow. Real classy move. And the funny part, I didn't give a.

So what did he say?

I. It's. What's annoying to me is that he's been my friends for so many years that I know what he's gonna say before he says it. And I know him so well that I know. Okay, he didn't mean it that way. And it fucking pisses me off that I know him so well that I can't.

Okay, this isn't even about him. So what did he respond?

He did respond right away, obviously. I just. I'm. I'm a fragile little person.

I just want to hug you.

I just wanted to look at what he said back.

You didn't.

I just wanted to start. I just want to start something so I can back off and have a feel.

Because you have emotions, but what's happening is you're really feeling something for this person, and I don't even know if it's about him. Is he gonna be your future guy? Who knows? But the fact that you've done so much work on yourself, which I think is amazing, you're like, whoa, I actually feel something. Feelings are scary if they're not crazy feelings, like, oh, back and forth and drama. So. But this is so purposeful. Then you created drama, and now it's just confusing. So maybe that's what you share with him and be like, I'm feeling something. I know. Look at your face. But really, that's because that's what it is.

I don't even know what it is, what I'm feeling. Whatever. But I feel like it's, like, almost purposely send a text to, like, start a fight.

Okay, but how have you sabotaged. So you were saying that you do sell. You tend to sabotage.

That is me sabotage. Like, that's me starting a fight with someone so I can, like, take space.

Is that familiar? Like, from childhood? Like, your parents fight?

My parents never fought in front of us. No. Okay, But I don't know.

I feel like it's a protective. It's protecting yourself just in case.

Like, what if I didn't get mad now? But, like, what if in the future something like this would hurt me? And then we're like, what if I actually like this person? And he doesn't like me back. Like, am I delusional by everything I've been feeling? I don't know.

But I don't think you didn't know yet. It's so new.

So just in case he rejects me, I get. I got to reject him first.

Wow. Yeah.

Silly.

It's just. It's just. It's a coping mechanism to not have to let anyone get close to you and being vulnerable. So I think now that you know that the truth is, you're like a lot of us. We live in the future or we live in the past, and we're tripping about something that could. Could happen. And honestly, 99.9% of what we worry about doesn't happen, or we're thinking about the past. But what I would say to you, Violet, is to be present with it right now. How it is in this moment when you're with him, and that's what you go on. And then you leave him, and then you go do your thing. You just hang out with your friends, you do your work, and then you go back. I think those are the healthiest when you're not tripping on it all. But that's gonna have to be a practice for you.

And you were trying to give me advice yesterday on the phone, and, like, I was too high for it. I remember I was just, like, dazing off.

I don't remember what it was either, but I wasn't even, like, wait, what.

Are we talking about?

Yeah. It was so cute. You're adorable. Because you wanted. We were just talking about. Yeah. Stuff that was happening in our lives, but I don't know.

Yeah.

So that's the weed, though. I can't do edibles.

No. I feel like they're not for me.

No. So there you go. So, actually. And it could still be lingering if you never smoke pot. And then you didn't. Edible. Yeah. What you're feeling right now. What's.

So I am mad at myself that I kind of. That I could have just stayed quiet and I could have just kept going to see where it is, and I was like, oh, did you just edit this morning? I mean, it could have been worse. Like, my next. My next thought process on the text to him would have been, I don't think we should be sleeping together anymore. But then I was like, v, stop. What are you doing? And thank God I didn't send that part.

Yeah.

And I just said, can we just have my phone.

Okay. Text me or something. Like, don't.

I think. I think what happened Is that yesterday he said something in a text that kind of freaked me out.

Oh, so then you.

Which was him being incredibly respectful of me. And that made me realize that he likes me. And I think I like him too.

And yes, I think you like talking about him for 20 minutes. So I think you really like him, and so you got to be comfortable with the liking him.

I'm gonna. I'm gonna date other people because.

Okay, look, that's sabotage too, but maybe you wanted me, but do you want to commit right now? Like, that's what you should talk about. Are we seeing each other? Are we not?

Like, no, I don't want to. I just. I like things where there are with us.

So then, you know, you keep them where they are. Is that you appreciate the moment you're together. And then when you're not together, you go about your life and you keep being the badass you that you are. Yeah, but when we spend time obsessing and checking their Instagram.

Yeah, that's what happened. I overly obsessed and it freaked me out. Like, honestly, I respect him a lot too. We've been friends for years. I don't want to be rude to him. Like, that is.

He probably knows you too. So he knows that you sent that because that's what you do. Does he know you?

That's so you. He knows me pretty well.

There you go. So you're good. All right, we're gonna take a quick break, and we come back even more with my guest, Violet Benson.

I have a question for you. You talked about your teeth. Not to bring up your teeth, but you know what's coming up a lot lately is that teeth and blow jobs. I don't know. Why did you learn that? Did you learn when you give a blow job, to not to not bite your. You to not to not.

I feel like. Are you. Did I do something? Are you telling me that.

No, it's literally in my notes. Because we were taught people kept calling in and saying that, but you just talked about your teeth. It's a bad no moment.

No. Why no. Did you recently hear about biting and.

Legitimately, it comes up every day on our show. And I thought that we just all learned. Like, I. My ex would be like, oh, teeth, teeth. Whenever I get blood. Like, not every. So what I'm saying is, yeah, sometimes by mistake, I get overzealous and I might use my teeth.

My mouth is really narrow that I feel like when I. When I had, like, when I hooked up with, like, my ex boyfriends when I was younger, And I tried to deep throat. Maybe I didn't open my mouth wide enough. So they've mentioned stuff about, like.

Yeah.

Oh, by the way, I just looked at the text and he was just, like, laughing at my text, which wasn't meant to be funny, but that's so, like, him trying to. Like.

She was calm.

What?

I'm joking.

Oh, yeah, that's. Oh, and that's. Oh, fuck. I know. I'm so. Well, I know that's him trying to diffuse your fucking.

Okay, it's fine, dude. This is fine.

Listen, everything's fine.

You guys go out and hang out or you just hang out again? Like, do you do stuff? No, I don't know. Get out of your.

Okay. I don't want to talk about.

Okay, what do you want to talk about? What else? What's your next podcast about?

Oh, my God. I just didn't. Wait, don't you. Don't you have any other. Of those other sex things?

Yeah, I do. Here we go. I'm like, we have other things. We're gonna get you out of this with the guy. We have so much. Okay, here we go.

I'm self sabotaging right now. He's amazing. I love him.

Well, I feel like you're not comfortable with it and we all not.

Not because of this podcast. I feel. I feel like I'm confused in my brain, like, about it.

Okay.

Like, whoa, cool.

Okay, ready? This is what I got.

32% of people would give up sex for one month in exchange for never having to deal with WI Fi issues again.

Considering I've only slept with two guys this year and it was only towards the end of the year, then I guess so. Not even by choice. Yeah, I gave up sex not by choice. Well, I think.

Don't you think, though, it's kind of good to take time. But look what you learned this year, though. Like, in therapy, you went through these guys. Like, I think the first time we met, I feel like I've known you now forever. But maybe it was at the beginning of the year. Yeah, I was on your show and it was like we were talking about oral sex. When I came into your podcast the first time, Too Tired to Be Crazy is Violet Benson's podcast, you were ready to be like, how do I give a good blow job? And how do I not look weird when I'm orgasming? Blah, blah. And I was like, well, do guys go down on you? And we talked about, like, how important it is to. To learn to receive and, like, your vagina is fine and all the shit that we worry about. And then you. We've talked about receiving oral sex since then. And then the last guy who was an asshole, you're, like, gone. And now you're with a good person.

Well, the last guy was, like, going, like, really down there for forever, and I felt really confident with him. And the new guy that I slept with, I do feel really confident with him. But I suddenly got weird again about him going down me. And that kind of bothered me because I don't know why, but I feel like I got nervous with him, like, being down there because me, it's like. It's kind of like Amy Schumer has made a joke about this. When you're so, like, lonely and desperate, you end up fucking your friend on accident, then you're like. Like, let's say his name is Mark. And it's like, mark, Mark is fucking me. Like, Mark's balls are my mouth. Mark's eating my pussy. This is gross. It's kind of like maybe that's. I mean, not that I feel like you about this guy, but it was kind of like.

But let me tell you this all the time. Facts that you're telling me is that you both. You had sex. You both confirmed that it felt amazing, otherworldly, like nothing you've ever felt before. And then you did it again, and it was also good. So from the facts, not from what you believe, because that's not a fact. Our thoughts are not the truth. The facts are you're both really into each other and he would totally go down on you. And your vagina is fine.

My vagina is great. Like, he thinks my vagina is perfect. Like, he thinks my body's perfect.

It is.

Like, my tits are perfect.

Okay.

Thank you.

So there you go. All right.

Do you think knowing since you know who he is, you think you would go down on me? Okay.

Yes, I do. And, yeah, I think that for many guys, they don't go down on women because they don't know how. They're not sure what they're doing. They actually. And I think that women in their 20s, typically. And you're in your 30s now, but I would say, and I would love this to change that women in their 20s often say no to guys, too. They're like, no, no, don't do it. Because they believe that they're dirty, that it's wrong, and that gu don't actually want to. And in many cases, maybe guys don't because they don't know what they're doing, and they haven't had experience because they're with girls as well or they're fucking lazy. So I believe that.

What are you saying? That he went? What was the question? Should he go? Of course he would want to go. I mean, he loves your. He said he loves.

You know him now.

So I know that. I believe that he's got a lot to learn, and I believe that you could teach him, and I believe he wants to learn.

I told him. What'd you tell me about, like, some things that you said.

What'd you tell him?

I can't say it out loud.

Say it. Does he know that I know?

No, no, no. He doesn't know that you know.

This is hilarious.

I was just laughing so hard yesterday about. And I feel like I embarrassed him and made him feel. Oh, no.

Did you tell him that I was stuff that. Because you shared stuff that I said?

Oh, because how you were like, damn, I feel bad for him and his friends. I feel bad. You kind of made a joke about, like, how I feel about anyone that's sleeping with these gu. They have so much to learn. And, like, I couldn't stop laughing because.

I was like, oh, you said that? I said that?

No, as a joke. I was laughing about it. But he also knew I was really high last night.

Okay.

So it's like I was. But when we hung up, I was laughing about it. I kept laughing about it for four minutes. I couldn't stop laughing about it. And, like, knowing him, he's such a perfectionist, and he wants to be perfect at everything. I did feel bad afterwards. I was like, he could be a.

Great teacher to him. Okay, listen to this. Over 25% of men between 18 and 24 admitted to experiencing premature ejaculation, though only 6% were actively seeking treatment. 20.

What is premature ejaculation?

They come before they want to, and typically it's in, like, two minutes or less. Or essentially the definition is ejaculating before you want to, meaning you don't have ejaculatory control.

I guess I thought premature ejaculation meant, like, it's a pre come or like, where there's the stuff coming out of the penis.

No, this is so good that we're talking about this. Premature ejaculation is coming, like, in two minutes or coming in a minute or coming right away, and you can't notice it's not precom.

But do you think, like. Do you think sometimes it just has to do in the moment or, like, if you're sober? Because I heard sometimes people get Drunk or like they need to do. I have a friend that she was dating a guy for two, three years. She moves a lot.

Oh, okay. Checking the camera to make sure you look pretty or I look pretty. She's looking at my camera. How do I look?

Most importantly, okay, I have a friend that dated this guy for two, three years. I feel bad for making that comment. Okay, sorry.

She's fine. She works, she's fine.

So yeah, so my friend, she is dating this guy for two, three years and she said that he couldn't, he couldn't have sex with her without being on drugs or really drunk because he would come too fast. Like that's a real problem. So I think some guys think they're have a pre ejaculating problem, whatever, but they actually don't compare.

Anxiety.

A lot of times it's anxiety. Especially if you're like, I have, I have a guy friend that he told me the first time he sleeps with any girl, he comes.

Yeah, that's very common.

And then afterwards it's like, it's at like, you know, because first you're like, I can't believe I'm sleeping with this person.

Right.

And then you get used to them and you're coming fine. And like with my current person, I don't think he comes too fast. Maybe he thinks he does. I think he's fine. But like, he was like, I think it's gonna take me a few times to sleep with you because I'm still in shock.

That's what happens. Yeah, dude, this is what happens.

I think it's sad. I feel bad if he actually is insecure about it because like I, if only he would have asked me. I literally don't think that night girl.

And women don't care as much as guys do. Men are way more obsessed with their penis, their penises performance than women are. We're like, fine. We know guys come too quickly sometimes. Like, it's fine.

I don't want a guy to last for an hour either though.

Exactly, exactly.

So we. What are the advice for people for men?

Well, I'm just looking at this. The most common excuses guys use during bad sex and how to avoid them. Is this.

Okay? 33% say this has never happened before. Whenever guys say that, I'm like, right, dude. I mean, right? Or I remember when I used to like sleep at guy's house or if I had a one night stand or in college, I'd be like, I've never done this before. Right. This never happens. We all do that. Being too drunk. 29%. This is how they protect themselves.

I'm too drunk.

No, this is what guys say. The report, okay, this is from Australian men. 90% of young Aussies admit to having poor performance in bed. But rather than being honest to their partners about their sexual health, the excuses are this never happens. 33% I was too drunk. 29%. Being out of practice. 17% while also telling the partner she's too good. 13%. So methods to combat this is first off for guys. If you're. If your partner has experienced premature ejaculation or you're a dude with premature ejaculation, doing your Kegel exercises, strengthen your pelvic floor is huge for men and for women, for everybody. So do that. Stronger kaggle muscles means you can control your ejaculation more. There's also the stop start method when you're masturbating until you're about to, like, ejaculate. So you masturbate. We call it stop start because you keep going, and then you're like, oh, I'm about to come. And then you go down. You don't go as fast. You just slow it down. And then you learn that when you learn about ejaculatory controls, you're like, oh, this is the point where I'm going to go over and ejaculate. So you just got to practice it. It Pelvic floor, that was important in that. And I have an iPhone app called Kegel Camp that you can download. It reminds you do your exercises. It helps women have stronger orgasms. When I was doing my Kegels, every day I had, I. I would have orgasms in a heartbeat because it's that these are the muscles.

Oh, my God, I'm doing Kegel.

Responsible for your orgasms. Yeah, do it. You could stick the Kegel balls in there. We have a new thing called Yarlap. It's a. It does your Kegels for you. It's called Y A R L A P. And you literally, like, wear it, and it just does them for you. And you have to do them for women.

Now for men, though, condoms for men, I feel like, helps them go come less fast.

And here's the thing. I feel like no one's using condoms, and you absolutely should. However, I believe that men are told this thing that it feel. And maybe it does. At first, it feels worse with a condom. But I think first off, that's something that you get past. It still feels good. And it is true that some men can last a little longer and Then find the right friggin condoms because condoms are not a one size fits all. So try out a bunch of different brands. I love skin condoms. I'll give some to you before you leave. But you probably won't use them because they're thin but they la. And they're not latex. I'm just telling you that people tell me they don't use them and they should.

It's weird.

Unless you want to get herpes. Doesn't go away.

I don't want to get herpes, but I feel like it's like. I don't know if any woman has ever felt like that. I feel like I feel more connected or closer to a person when I feel they're so skin inside of me in a weird way.

True.

Than like the condom.

Like, I think it's more about the act of putting it on. That bothers you?

No.

You're falling. My hands.

I'm on Adderall, so I'm really focused.

How much?

That's why I notice everything.

But you take it every day.

On weekdays. Yeah.

Yeah. How many? How much?

I've taken it 15 milligrams.

The whole day much.

Yeah, that's it. And now I started taking non time release. I used to take time release. It lasted the whole day and now it's non time release. So I feel like that's. I'm so focused right now because it's in the moment, like before I take doing well. Thank you. I'm so focused. Yeah. Oh my God. Like this calms me down. So this is why I'm so calm right now.

I feel like when I'm on the mic, I'm the most linear, focused and calm.

Yeah.

Do you feel that too?

Sometimes I feel calm talking to you.

I feel calm talking to you too.

Yeah.

I know you're gonna hang out, which I appreciate. I was gonna say this to you after the show, but like. Like you've reached out and we've tried. It hasn't happened. But I know this year. This year was tough for me.

You're bad with follow through, but so am I. So you put two people that are bad with that.

But I feel like I. Okay, so that is true. I ran into a friend this morning. I went to Pilates and I feel bad because she literally called me three times this year and how do you say like I haven't called you? And I. And I. And I did. And it was stupid because. But the truth is. Back up. This year I did make a decision that I was focusing on. Well, One of it was friendships, but that didn't really work. It was more like grounding myself in my home because I had no furniture for years and I live in a house without furniture and working on friendships and getting a good team in my office. But I was like, I am not dating. So anyway, I just felt bad. But yeah, and I like her. So anyway, I'm sorry if I haven't followed through. I work on it.

It's okay. I'm like that too. I can't get mad at you if I also don't follow through.

Okay, we're good.

Wait, you know what I was just thinking about?

Tell me everything. Okay.

I don't know why Random was thinking about it because it hasn't happened in a while, but.

What'S the percentage of women that have wet dreams? I feel like I've had it in the past and I was randomly thinking about it. I don't know why, but, like, I've had, like, some, like, intense orgasms. I feel like through a wet dream. And I don't know why I was randomly thinking about it.

Yeah, I think it's really common for women. I wish it happened more often. We've talked about that. Like, how can we get that to happen more often? And it hasn't happened to me in a long time, but it used to happen to me all the time. I don't know why, but I feel like it's very common for women to experience it.

It.

But I don't think as often as men, but I think you can kind of plant it in your brain. Like, I remember I took this dream class in college, and one of the prerequisites for the class was that you had to remember your dreams. But no one really. But they're like, but if you don't, we can teach you how. And then they gave us these methods for. For learning to remember your dreams. I'm trying to remember what they are because it was so long, but maybe it was like, set your alarm 15 minutes earlier and then, like, then go back to sleep or. And also it was like it was something to do before you went to bed and write in your journal. And then sure enough, like, I had a whole semester where I wrote my dreams. So I. With wet dreams, maybe if you are masturbate. Have you used the toys I gave you? Masturbate before sleep or think about the dream you want to have. I feel like that would help it happen because it feels so good. You're like, I don't do anything. I had an orgasm.

Yeah, I Forgot the last time I masturbated. Probably recently. Sometimes I'm. Yeah, of course.

Do you remember which ones I gave you? I don't, but I'm going to give you a neck. Did I give you one of these? No, my vibrator necklace.

But. But now it.

It works. And you have it on you all the time.

If you gave it to any of my friends, now I know they have them. So if I don't get one, I'll give you one.

Dude.

No, I know. Give me one though.

I fucking. Of course you are today. Which one do you want? Gold. We're talking about my vesper necklace. How amazing. I use this during. Like, it works. It's. We're gonna give you. It comes in gold, rose, gold and silver. Which one would you like? There's 24 karat and it says Meditate, masturbate, manifest. You can choose three phrases. Meditate, masturbate, manifest. You get it? I come first or turn me on. They have little sayings and it comes in gold.

I come first.

Nice. That's the one, girl.

Yeah.

Would you want gold? I think if you would. You want gold or rose gold? This is rose gold.

Well, my necklace is gold. I mean, I'll look at both.

Look at both. Okay. So anyway. Yes, of course. You always leave here with gifts. Do I not hook your ass up?

Yeah, you do, you do, you do. Oh, the lube is dope. I feel like I haven't used it in a while, but I forget, like, how I use it with the last guy.

Okay.

And it makes the biggest difference, I feel like. But then him being there probably made. I didn't love that.

Well, he dried you up because he wasn't cool. But I have a question for you. Being who you are and everything's online and people can see you and you're famous celebrity, do you feel that it has made it harder to date or do you just date people who kind of like, are already at your level? Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, it's hard in general because sometimes I turn on myself on for the camera and like, I almost feel like, oh, my God, Now I feel like I am contradicting myself based on what happened yesterday. But, like, I almost feel like sometimes I need. It's almost hard for me to date someone who won't understand that I'm pretending to be someone I'm not that pretending to be someone I'm not. Like, certain things I'm talking about, certain jokes that I'm making. It's for the show. Versus like how I really feel about that person.

Right.

So that can make it hard because then if someone who doesn't understand what I do will listen to anything I'm talking about, I'm talking about an ex partner or I'm talking making some sexual joke, then like, is that about me?

Right, Exactly.

I think that part makes it hard in general. Like, we've talked about this before. My podcast with you where people if they. Some people. Some people, sometimes I feel like maybe they want to date me just to tell their friends they want to know me, versus like actually wanting to get to know me. And then if it's like it comes to the time where I'm not daddy issues and I have like real feelings and things like that, then maybe they're like, oh, I'm bored now. Like, yeah, it's. It's more of an. And that's why it makes me uncomfortable. Like, like the other day my friend was back, went back home and one of his guy, one of his good friends is like supposedly, quote unquote, like in love with me. And they started to FaceTime me. And I didn't. And I didn't answer. And my friend was like, oh, why don't you answer? My friend's so in love with you. Like, he would die, he would do anything to talk to you. But in my brain I was like, which image of me is he into? Because I don't know, like, who to pretend to be right now. Because I don't want to disappoint him when he's not going to get. Yeah, I was like, which version of me is he in love with? Because. Because I don't know.

You're so self aware to be.

For him right now, for him to still continue to feel the same way. Because I don't want to disappoint anyone. And I feel like, like some of these guys, I get scared that I'm gonna let them down once they get to know me and I'm not on it on like on the same level every day.

Right, but has that happened to you? Because I feel like I get that. But I feel like people who, what people really want though is your authentic self. So I think when they see you though, you know, because you're all the things, I feel like you're always the same. Like, I understand what you're saying too, because I know that I have my aunt. Like people think I'm just want to have sex all the time, and I'm all about sex. It's gonna be crazy. I'm gonna be swinging from the rafters, and I'm gonna pull out my Sibian and all you like. And it is. Oh, and it is. But not all the time. Not every night. Come on Sunday nights. I'm tired. But no, but it's not. I'm not.

Oh.

I'm not, like, sex obsessed. I'm not a. I'm not a. What do people think I am, like, a nymphomaniac? Are you a nymphomaniac? I'm like, yeah. I thought I'd just make a career. No, it's, like, my job. So I just think it's interesting to weed out, to find out who actually is authentically.

The last guy I went out with did very similar stuff to what I did, what I do. And I thought that would make it easier because then he would understand what I. Why do what I do or whatever. And instead, like, it went from him constantly putting me on a pedestal, which was a lot to deal with. But he was always, like, so many compliments to, like, literally our biggest issue of why we couldn't date. It was more him pulling back than me was because he felt like he wasn't good enough for me. And no matter what I did, it's like he just didn't feel like he was good enough for me. Like, I literally were trying to make him feel good about himself every second. He'd be like, wow, you. You just. You own this house all by yourself.

Like, what the fuck?

And I just. I just feel like you deserve so much more than I have to offer. Like, I just feel like you deserve so much better than me, bubba. And after a while, it's like, you know what? Fuck, you're right. Maybe I do. Because this is exhausting.

Exactly.

I can't. I can't make you feel good about yourself. Every. And you would be like, you just make me so insecure. Like, no one makes me feel this way. You make me so insecure all the time. And it's like, it got to the point that I'm not even saying anything. And I started to feel bad about myself because I was like, how can I be such a terrible person?

Right?

Wow, this guy feel. And I feel like I literally. When we stopped talking, I. I told him that I. I feel like you. You're dimming my light.

Yeah.

And it's. I don't want that anymore. Like, I don't want someone to dim my light. And it was such a big difference when my friend who know me for years came to my house to see it for the first time you're just like, wow, you own this all by yourself. Like, Tam V, I'm so proud of you. Like, this is amazing. It was like, just even get that from a friend.

Exactly.

It was just like, so different.

You want people who support you and see your life. That's how it shifts. And now you know, anyone who's threatened or jealous is not going to be your guy. And you wouldn't even entertain any it. But it is harder to even care.

Like, a lot of times women. We talked about this. Like, women don't. So a lot of times, like, if, if I, if. If someone tells you, I don't care if I make more money than you, I'm just like, I just want to support your, like, dreams and just support me back. Like, they mean it. Like, you even need the emotional support.

We need emotional. I don't need. Yeah. I don't need a guy's money.

And it's like.

But they can't take it because of, like, being all.

Men can take it. Some men can.

Yeah. This was like with my exes, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. It's the same thing. I make more. I do like. I think it's hard, though. It can be hard when men are meant to be like the breadwinner, the caretaker, and they're not making as much.

I think you have to be very confident in your own skin to be okay with the fact that maybe your woman at this point in time is making more than you or, like, is more successful. But, like, don't underestimate how much it can encourage you to. To work harder. Just like, she, like, I hate when someone's like, I'm just not good enough for you. Blah, blah. Okay, then fucking step it up and be good enough for me. Yeah. Like, you don't have to, like, I hate people. Oh. Oh, got it. So you just want to play the victim. You don't actually want to change. You're just wasting my time with, like, and blowing up my ear for no reason. Okay, cool. Got it.

Right. See? But now you know that wouldn't fly for you anymore.

No, he was right. He was right. And he sometimes mentioned this other guy, sometimes he felt insecure about, and now. And then I fucked that guy. So thanks.

Oh, Violet.

Violet. Violet. Violet Benson. This is good.

Yeah. One lesson that I will tell everyone. Tell me that I've made a mistake. Not mistake too. When you are at odds with a partner and. Or you feel. You start to feel insecure about another person, don't ever bring that person up to Your partner in like a really hasty, like rude way. Because guess what? Subconsciously you will end up pushing that person into their arms when it's over. It's like the weirdest thing, but I've. It's happened to me in the past whenever I've been insecure about specific girl or two with the next boyfriend when I was younger and I'd be like, are you or you guys. You guys flirt all the time. Blah, blah, what's going on? And literally the minute we break up, it's the weirdest thing because you're like.

Telling that it's like that's hot. That's sabotage. That's like self fulfilling prophecy.

Exactly. And then the guy does the same thing to me. It was just like, ah, for you to even be friends with this person. This is why we're not compatible.

You need you.

And I was like, okay. And then when we stopped talking, I was like, I'm a fuck that guy.

And it was great sex. Yeah, okay, good point. So what did you learn this year? This is what I want to ask you. So what would you say the lessons you learned this year and then what is your goals for your SEC, your relationship goals for 2020? Let's set some intentions. I'll try to do the same thing.

Oh wait. The lessons that I've learned 2019.

Well, that it's okay for people to allow people to into my life and.

To show people who you are. Be vulnerable.

Be vulnerable.

That I don't have all the answers. That commitment scares me and I'm starting to notice that. I am worried. That does kind of worry me that I'm never gonna find love because I'm so like afraid of it. Like when anything looks real.

But have you looked at that stuff in therapy? What the fear of love is?

I should can write that down. Okay, that down. And I think it's important to also surround yourself with people that encourage you. And also I've learned that what type of lover I am and I've learned that I'm a like if you do your, if you go on costar and you do all your whole chart of your different zodiac signs, like your Venus is how you love and my Venus is in Libra. And Libra, they change themselves a little bit per partner and like they idolize love more than the person. I think that is my biggest problem. So I think even and it takes.

Me that makes sense.

I'm really blind. Like I love love so much and I love writing about it. And I've been learning slowly what Love is. And I feel like I have become more confident, so it's become easier for me to let go of people. But, like, sometimes I'm so in love with idea of love that, like, I can't see what's right in front of me, which is like. Like that person's not right for me at all. Like, there were so many red flags with the last guy. We're just not right for each other because he has a lot growing up to do, and I'm not the right person for him. But it. I was, like, almost fighting for that love. So, I mean, everyone was like, v, you're crying a lot. And like, you. You're. I never see you happy anymore. And I wasn't. But, like, I just. The thought. Because we grow up watching all these.

Stupid movies where it's like, oh, yeah.

And it's supposed to be hard. And then you fight for each other and, like. And that's almost so. Almost. I felt safe in these moments where I had so many ups and downs. And I feel like I'm learning now that. That I'm so in love with the. The thought of love that sometimes I'm not seeing the person right in front of me. And falling in love with potential is the scariest thing.

Yes. That is so good. See, this is what you could take into the new year then. Because you've just said it, you stated it, and now that you know that's your thing. Yeah. No one around you is gonna let you do. Your friends or your therapist, you know, won't let you do it again then.

Yeah. But a big part of me is like, I do want to be in a stable relationship next year, and I feel like I do need to manifest that. But, like, I'm so scared of it. I don't know why.

I don't know why either. Maybe it hasn't been. Maybe it hasn't been so easy for you in the past. Maybe you haven't really done it yet. So it's like a whole new thing. And it's like anytime we try something new, it's kind of scary. But I think it gets scary when you put the attention out there, because now it's forever.

It's easier when you're younger and you're just like, well, what doesn't happen?

But I think putting that pressure that the next guy you date is forever is also going to stop you because you go to the extreme. This is going to be the everything.

Yeah. But I would love to date guys that are not in the same industry as Me, like, I feel like. I think that maybe the person I end up with doesn't do what I do, and it's, like, behind the scenes so then he can let me shine. And, like, I think that's what I'm supposed to end up with. So I'm definitely more open to dating guys who are not in my industry.

Good. Okay. Putting that out there. They're listening. Check her out.

Check me out.

Thank you, Violet. So what? Okay. People can find you everywhere. Too tired to be crazy podcast on every Thursday.

We talk about literally everything. I have cool guests, and we do soul episodes where I talk about your feelings, how to get over a breakup, depression. I just did a zodiac sign podcast episode, so that was really fun. My next solo one is going to be about zodiac signs and how they fuck.

Okay. Oh, how about Gemini's all over the place. You'll tell me about it?

No, Gemini men and women are both different, but Gemini women are just like. They're a lot. Like, they're great in bed because of that. They're just like, I have a lot personality is what I mean.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm all over the place in a good way. All right, Violet, thanks for being here. I adore you.

Thanks for having me. Wait, what's your intentions for 2020?

I thought I was gonna get out of it.

It.

I learned this year. God damn you. I learned this year. Okay. What I learned this year, which is that I actually got clearer on what I actually am looking for in a partner. And that it's changed now because as you get older, your needs change. What you need. Because at this point, I don't need money. I'm not having kids.

I don't know if I want to live with anyone right now. I mean, I'm super busy, whatever. But I realized that there are certain things I will not just don't work for me anymore. So in the new year, I'm looking to put. To prioritize dating, to actually put myself out there in situations that I haven't in the past, and to meet someone that is cool and on my level and can accept everything that I do. And they make. They want to travel. We're going to travel together, and we're going to each make each other the best versions of ourself.

I want that, too. I want the traveling, and I want to make each other the best versions of ourselves. And we don't make each other insecure.

Yes.

And we make each other happy. And we're both, like, push each other to, like, be better.

Right. That's how and that's how it should be in our friendships. That's how it should be at work. I think that's how it should definitely be with love. Don't don't let anyone bring you down.

In 2020 and I don't care if the guy's older than me or younger than me.

Okay, good. There you go. We just put out to so many people. Thank you. Violet Benson.

Thank you so much for having me.

I love you. It thanks for being here. Bye Bye.

If you like the show or you're loving the show or you've learned something from the show, we so appreciate it if you would give us five stars or just review. It especially helps on itunes. If there's any topics you want to hear more about, just email me feedbackexwithemily.com and thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Elisa, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sex with emily.com.

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