Cracking the Code on Female Sexuality with Dr. Drew

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My friends at Joe recently asked me which of their products was my favorite. Obviously, that's really hard to say. They have so many options. I mean, am I supposed to pick the organic? I mean, I like that. The silicone, the flavored. So they're watching me struggle to pick just one. And then they interrupted and said, okay, Emily, if you could make your ideal lube, what would it be? Well, what a question. But then it got intense. They said they would actually make it. That's right. They would make a lube that I want. This is literally a dream come true for me. So I said yes, but on one condition. They had to consider your input as well. So here's the deal. I need you to help me create my dream lube to be a part of my dream team. Go to sexwithemily.com dreamlube and take our short survey. With your input, Joel, create the next great lube in their amazing lineup. To sweeten the deal, Joe is giving away prize packages to 10 lucky participants. I know you're thinking, but, Emily, that's going to take a while, and I need lube now. No problem, hot pants. Go to my store on sexwithemily.com and shop the entire Jo collection, including the amazing Natural Love USDA certified organic family. Couldn't be any easier. Buy Joe lube for now. Take the survey to create my dream lube for later. It's all on sex with emily.com right now.

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They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

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What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks.

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Being bad feels pretty good. Well, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can do so many awesome things on our website. You can subscribe to the show, which you totally should subscribe, you know, much easier. It makes life when you just subscribe and they're there and you can, like, listen and then step away from the podcast and go back to where you were. It also helps us. We love when you review the show, tell your friends about the show, and also follow us. Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram. It's all sexwithemily. And also facebook.com we've hit over a million likes a few months ago, and it keeps going up. So thank you for that and subscribe to our newsletter. And finally, you can also download my show, not only on itunes, But Google Play, SoundCloud, and Spotify. Oh, and finally you can shop with Emily. You know, I'm always talking about my favorite toys, where to find them. Well, now you can find them all on my website, so. So just click on the Shop with Emily tab, and it's a good Time there, you know. And I'm here with Drew. Hi, Drew.

Hey there.

Thank you so much for coming in.

I forgot how much I miss working with you and then how great a pitcher you are when you start pitching. Man, I want to buy all those. I want to do all those great things. I want to go to Spotify and download your podcast.

It really works. You really want to do that?

Emily's the best saleswoman I've ever met.

I'm not selling.

Good.

Thank you. I would do it for you and your 18 zillion podcast, but it would, like, take me. It would be a full time job for me. Me to go on every podcast that you're doing right now and do that. But I would for you.

All right, thank you.

Because I care about you and. Yeah. So we're doing a very special show today. I want to cover the topic of female sexuality.

Yeah. To the extent that we can. I'm more interested in things because things are changing so fast for everybody and at the same time, same old problems prevail. Right. The humans are still just humans. But I'm wondering what kinds of things people want to ask that they feel uncomfortable asking or can't get answers to in a day and age when answers to everything are a click away.

Oh, that's the really interesting thing about female sexual about in sex in general is that, yes, they're click away, but what they're finding is a lot of porn.

Yeah.

They don't even really know the questions to ask. They didn't have a lot of great sex education, which really hasn't changed at all since I was growing up. So, yes, it's a click away. But again, they don't know the questions to ask.

And then people don't want to get very deep. It seems like sexuality is a very profound expression of intimacy in the self. And all kinds of aspects of who we are as human beings get mobilized when we're in that situation or not. But when they do, people don't know what's going on. They get confused.

They do. They get confused. And especially the thing for me that's been coming up a lot lately is that I.

So I have a lot of friends personally around this topic. There's stuff coming up for me personally.

Figured you're dating somebody new. People know about that on your website.

Oh, God. I mean, yes. Dating, Dating. New. Newish. Yeah.

Are you gonna destroy another guy?

I'm not gonna counsel him. Put him back together.

Will you give him a direct number? You put him together.

I may have to Put him back together.

They're all fine, Drew. They're all done. They're happy.

No, I know. We got them glued back together, and they're all whole again. It's all fine.

I try not to dest. You know, I'm much. I can't help it. No, they're sweet. I'm nice. They get a lot out of it. I feel like it's like my parting gift, like, you might be destroyed temporarily.

But it was worth it. It was so worth seeing what it gave you. Yeah, I get it.

I wasn't feeling good about the destroying.

But, you know, sort of like, you know what? I'm just thinking about the effects of, like, drugs that hurt your brain or something. It's like, it was so fun, but I got hurt anyway.

They got hurt, but then they healed.

Yes, yes.

And then they tend to go on and get married after. I think I'm actually setting men up for success and not for failure.

Interesting.

They just have to go through the rock bottom after breaking off with me and that. They're fine, Right? Yeah. We haven't lost any men in this study in this subject of my life, but I was thinking about. Oh, I have a quick announcement before I get into what I'm thinking about, which is a lot of things. Drew.

Yeah.

You know how much I love lube, right? Like, I'm a lube pusher. I love it because I think there's a lot of stigma around lube, and. And people don't use enough lube. So, Jo, I'm going to give you. Before you leave here, like you saw my sex closet, we have.

We have your lubes in our drawers next to our bed.

I know. I appreciate that. But this is a new lube. So, Jo, they make this great lube, which you don't have yet, and I'm going to give you some. They asked me what would be your dream lube, and they're actually going to make it.

Wow.

So I need the help of my listeners to go to sexwithemily.com dreamlube. Take our short survey. It's like five minutes. And your responses will help Joe create a brand new lube that we design together. And then 10 lucky participants will receive a Joe Prize package worth $100.

And what kind of. What kind of stuff would be in the ideal lube?

I'll tell you this. Sex with help me.com dreamloobe, or click on the dream lube banner. Well, it's interesting because we've already gotten about 80 responses. We just put it up the other day. And you know, we're asking, do you want water based? Do you want silicone? Like, what thickness do you want? How long do you want to last? Do you want flavors? Do you want a flip top? Do you want a pump? Like, everything that goes into lube? And just in the short while that we've been doing it, like 24, 48 hours, a lot of people want lube to last longer because lube does not last long enough. And they want a pump, which makes sense. You don't want to be in the moment, be like, wait, hold on, let me unscrew the top. No. And so there's a lot of different questions like that. You can take the survey as well, Drew. Be part of it. So everyone do that. I appreciate it. But let me introduce you first because I have listeners all over the world. And though you are internationally known and renowned, because I have traveled with you before and I know this. I mean, I know this intellectually, but also, like, being in Mexico.

They found your fans, too.

Yeah, we did find. You're so cute. There was like two people that recognized me. Like 85 million that recognized you. But they did. I had a few fans.

Yeah, it was fun.

But, like, okay, you've been practicing medicine.

Board surgery.

Okay.

So my stuff is I've been practicing medicine for 35 years. I'm an internist. I should have a. I had the hospital based practice and outpatient practice. And then I ended up running medical services in a psychiatric hospital. And that morphed into running their addiction services for 20 years. So I've done like three careers in one. And all the while I was doing Loveline on radio. And that sort of became this sort of separate thing. This had a life of its own. I did it for 10 years thinking I was just doing community service, just really trying to educate about HIV and aids. That was the original goal. And it became a thing. It became a show on mtv. And then I thought, oh, do some more tv. And then these guys showed up, wanted to do something called Celebrity Rehab. And we did that. So people may be familiar with that. And then MTV, who. I've been on MTV continuously since 1996.

It's kind of amazing.

Yeah. And they came along and said, we're doing this show called 16 and Pregnant, which now is morphed into Teen Mom. And I thought, oh, my God, that is going to have a huge impact on young women in pregnancy. And it did. Had exactly the desired effect.

Yeah.

And then I've been on CNN and HLN for the last five years.

And now you have like 18 million podcasts.

And then. Yes, please go to Dr. Drew.com. please. My wife.

And they're all really good. They're very top rated.

Yeah, yeah. I do Adam, if people or if you're Loveline fans. Adam and I are back together now. We do a podcast called the Adam and Dr. Drew Show. I do my own podcast. I do a podcast with Bob Forrest who is the guy with the hat and the glasses from Celebrity Rehab. And it's called this Life. But all that stuff is@drdew.com.

Please go to drew.

Com.

Okay. Can I tell you a really fun.

Sign up for newsletter? Sign up for the email there. Dr. Comm slash contact.

Exactly. And it's all. This will also all be be on my website as well. Here's a funny story about 16 and pregnant. So I was pregnant. No, I didn't tell you this. So my best friend, who was actually Stacy, was on the show a few weeks ago. She lives in San Francisco.

Somebody I don't know. I knew all your friends.

I know.

But she's hiding in San Francisco.

No, no. You love her. But she was only out for two days. So she reminded me of this, that when she was. She was 40 and pregnant and single, dating a guy who's kind of a douchebag. He was like 29 years old and they ended up having a baby together. And she like. So she got. We spent a marathon weekend. She used to run this, this magazine and we got like a free hotel room for two nights. A five star hotel in San Francisco. Because we wanted to review the spa. It was actually, it's the Rosewood Hotel. It was actually a Palo Alto. Yeah, it's like a five. Do you know the Rosewood?

It's a Rosewood. I know the old like the Mirage. The montage down used to be a rose.

It was like such a nice thing. It was like beautiful outside. And she just like she had two broken. Like she hurt a leg. It was like pregnant and miserable. And then we were watched merit. So we stayed inside for two days and watched 16 and Pregnant. But she's like 40 and pregnant and single. I'm like, well, it could be a lot worse. You could be 16 and pregnant. And we use that show as kind of like a solve to make her feel better that she could be 16 and pregnant.

That's nice.

Anyway, I just want you to know where you're supposed to.

Did you see the shows I do? The reunion shows. Any of those?

Yeah.

Then we're doing at the end of every Season I meet with the girls.

I didn't know you then. I know now I know you. It was like this, this, this, but now I, like, know you. And I'm like, but anyway, I thought that was funny because I used to laugh. I'm like, well, at least we're not that. Okay, so back to the issue. It was not about the guy I'm dating and who I'm going to ruin. It was about, here's what I'm thinking about, which I will not. Let's hope I've moved past that. So when we're talking about female sexuality, I've been thinking a lot lately about this because now I'm. I have a lot of friends because we're a different generation. A lot of the millennials, people love talking about the millennials, but I have a lot of friends now and family members who are friends who have kids who are between, like, you know, 18, 25. And they all are now, few of them coming to me for questions because, like, I meet them like, hey, you know, I want to talk to you about sex. And what I realized is that I've been actually really upset about it because these are friends of mine who are like, smart, educated, feminist.

The parents. The parents, the mom. Yeah.

But yet their kids are saying to me, yeah, I had sex. And some 17 year olds, I had sex. It's not that good. I don't really understand it. I mean, like, I'm having sex and the condom's just hitting up against me and like, it doesn't really feel that good. And then I asked them about masturbation and they're like, what is that? Yeah, it doesn't, you know, so that's some of the issues that I had. I thought, you know, I didn't have any sex education. I mean, you know, it was all about, you know, don't get pregnant, don't get an std. And it was never about female pleasure. It was never none of that. And it still isn't. So I thought in some ways it's sort of the same issue. And these are people who have parents that I respect and admire and that you kind of would think when I kind of feel like in some ways a lot of people have, women especially dropped the ball talking in families, talking to their kids about it.

Well, think about this. It's very hard to talk with kids about sex. Right? And it's extra, super hard to talk to them about female, you know, the pleasure aspects of it. I mean, that, that is a pretty high order.

Task. And it's Almost as though it needs to be talked about in a more.

Abstract way. Not so much about sex and more about female sexuality per se and how it evolves and how it works and how to master it. And we need to educate our males about that too because you do not need to have these conversations about the males. They are having their pleasure all the time with themselves and with whomever they can find. There's no issues getting that because that the biology drives all of that. Terms of the epiphenomenon, the men get into, they get all kinds of weird stuff now because of porn. They're either addicted to porn or they get, they, they have sexual dysfunction because of that or they have expectations about women that are bizarre and unrealistic. And so they have their own stuff. But, but the women stuff, I agree with you, has always interested me more because no one is ever really honest to women about how nuanced it is and how it evolves. It's not the same thing at 17 as it is at 30. It's not.

It gets better.

It does. And it's not just because you have more experience. Your biology changes over that time too. And your safety in relationships and your choices and your confidence in your choices and the depth of intimacies that you achieve. And no one ever, ever, ever talks about this stuff, ever. And it, what's talked about is you're supposed as a female, magically be the same as a 17 year old male. And a few women are. That's the other crazy thing about women. They're all over the place, right? They're not. Everyone's different.

And that makes they're like a 17 year old. They want sex just as much and.

They may respond as easily, they may have orgasm as easily and they may enjoy it just as much.

Right.

And that's a pretty small number. Very small number. Yeah, right.

The other thing I didn't mention that these women, they're all. The other key point with these women that I've talked to the young women is that they really don't understand sex. But they do. What they do all believe is that it's about. They're pleasing the guy, it's on his pleasure and they're doing anything they want.

And that's bizarre.

And they can't wait for it to be over and they fake it. They're on their period.

If the males really knew that, to be fair, the men are under the influence of a drug, right? They can barely think. They're so testosterone. Oh, they're so messed up by testosterone. They might as well be on OxyContin or heroin or something. Or speed or the combination.

Right.

But they would be shocked because what we're doing is telling males and females, you're the same. The same, the same, the same. It's the same. They weren't the way you. They're the same, same, same, same. And it's not the same. And the males, you can teach them that. They can't understand it because they're so deep in their own stuff.

Right.

But they could be sensitive to it.

Right? They could be sensitive to it. We're not talking about that. And then they're also watching porn, and that's. And, you know, we don't get into the whole. But we all know that, like, not totally bashing porn. But I'm just saying, when this is the only way that they're Lear.

Yeah. Don't assume we're bashing anything. We're not bashing any discussion. Yeah. We're interested in people being fulfilled and enjoying themselves and whatever. And whatever their choices happen to be. I'm not interested in bashing or telling anybody how to live. That is not my job. But in terms of the sort of discomfort and unpleasantness and mistakes that people get into, we are interested in that.

Yes, absolutely. Like, this is what they get into. They get into it because I think a lot of the women are pressured that the guys, like, send me a naked pic and they watch porn thinking they have to look that way and be that way. And it just. That's the only thing.

The sexting thing is a whole other time.

The sex. Yes, exactly.

I don't know if we want to get into that. Yeah, well, that. I think we'd have to get. Get some emails about that.

We've got some emails. I actually have a sex in the news story that I want to get into. We do a sex in the news segment every week. You got to come on the show more. So, you know.

All right.

Okay.

Done and done.

Young people.

Now that I know where this hideaway is.

I know. Isn't it great?

Yes.

It's a sexy little spot.

The people. Nobody knows.

Nobody knows. No. What if I'm gonna have, like, sex with Emily? Like, stalkers? No, I never had a stalker.

You will.

I don't want one.

But I'm saying they're no fun.

No. You've had stalkers.

Oh, yes.

Right. No, we don't want people coming by, but we love you. Just don't stop by without asking. Okay. Young people. Okay. Young people are having tons of bad Sex. A recent study by the National. National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles has shown that millennials are having really bad sex. And often more than a third of sexually active men between the ages of 16 and 21 and women of the same age are unhappy and having bad or no sex. The good news, if you're part of this group, there's a lot you can do to turn things around. Much of the bad sex stems from your mindset going in.

How do you know that?

Well, because they're my, you know.

What does that mean?

I think it means that their mindset going in is like, they don't really have a lot of information about it, that they think that they have to already be experts and pleasing their partners. And they need to know. We'll get to some of these emails when they're like, I'm so insecure about my level of experience, and then I'm going to be judged. It's like, how can you be great at sex if you haven't had sex? And their mindset going in is that like, I'm supposed to, you know, last forever? Because, like, I saw in porn and we're going to be having a gang bang. She's going to bring eight of her friends and be squirting all over the place. I don't know what they're thinking, you know, so the men said that their anxiety is over finishing too soon, which leads to erectile issues. And women, this is the main thing that is like, I felt this way and that just continues. I know I pound on the table. Women have been socialized to be very passive and disconnected from their sexuality. Many women don't even know what they enjoy sexually. So how can their partner.

But you can't. But here's the deal. This whole idea that it's due to socialization, I think that's first of all flawed. I'm not saying there's no socialization. There is. You can't socialize a male to disconnect from that biology. No matter how hard you try, you can hit them with an ax. It ain't gonna stop. So this whole. You gotta understand that. So if you don't accept that difference that women, because it's a more delicate biology, they can be socialized. You know, they have to be encouraged. The other direction, I mean, literally, the mate, you can roll up your newspaper and hit them like the dog for crapping, they will not stop. They cannot stop. It's not. It's just impossible, right? But.

But for women who.

For women, they need to be Encouraged on, you know, rather than discourage from. And I think that's a good socialization.

Because it says here, listen, they're passive and disconnected from their sexuality.

Try to disconnect male from sexuality or go ahead.

You can't.

You can't.

But the women are going along with the men. They're passive. They're like, whatever he wants.

That's right. That's huge. That's the problem.

This is the entire problem.

Huge mistake.

And here's the other thing.

Why do they do that?

Because we don't know any better.

No, no, but think about it.

I didn't know about masturbation. No, I didn't know.

Forget your own sexuality. Taking a back seat. Why do what the male want?

Because. Why do you want to be accepted? We want to be popular.

There's something else there. I don't know what it is.

That's all it is. When you're a young girl and you think that this guy, the captain football team is gonna like me, I better send him a naked picture. I better give him a blowjob. In fact, I can give him a blowjob. And I don't really have to. Like, I'm not gonna get pregnant. And like me.

Don't your male friends come along and go, hey, don't do that. It's not gonna make you want male.

Friends in high school. The guys who don't wanna sleep with us.

Maybe that's what we need. Well, yeah. Well, no. It's the guys that want to sleep with you for accepting friendship.

Yeah. The friend zone guys are not.

But those guys can also be good.

They're not though, Drew. No one in high school knows. I didn't know about the test until the guys know.

Guys know what's up. The guys know that. What? What? They're. They don't care. They want to get. They're in under influence of a drug.

Right.

And they want. You know. They're assuming you're willing to come along for the ride, then that's because you want to. Because you want it as bad as they do.

They think we do, but we only do it to be like.

But that's. That's.

They.

You got it. Somehow we got to tell them that. And we got to teach the women that that doesn't. How you like, get liked.

Right? Exactly.

You may get some attention that way, but you're not going to get liked that way.

And they don't really understand that. And they don't. These are the same. Because this is the thing about the study. It could have been written 30 years ago. I mean, the only difference I think is that it's more visible now because of social media, because millennials, because of porn.

The other reason is they, they don't. There's no courtship.

Culture. Everything is hooking up and hanging out. Right. And the idea of dating is like flaw. Like I don't know what you're talking about.

No, no one's dating in college.

Right. And so they just hook up and hang out. And so you never negotiate relationships, you never sustain a relationship over any period of time. You never figure out what you want in a relationship.

Right.

And, and so all that's just missing.

Well, I don't know. And how do they learn that when it really they're not even see. Especially in college now, they're none of their friends are looking. I mean I had like serial monogamous.

Well, what I do when I do in college, I often go, and by the way, we're not talking about everybody, right? There are plenty of people listening to go, that's not me. I'm able to have relationships. And good on you. Fine. But. But what tends to happen is people tend to glom on relationships. They go the other extreme. They get retreat into a relationship. So it's more of a clingy, love addicted relationship.

Right.

Which is, you know, if you have sex at a young age and you're. The intensities of all that can get you stuck with somebody, you get very stuck.

Well, it's just very confusing. And I don't, and I don't think that the messaging is right. Like, like traditional parents tell kids, you know, sex thing. That happens when two people love each other very much. Like sex equals love. And so that's just what. But that's sort of like an amorphous thing, right? That's what they're saying. Or my parents said to me, if you have any questions, just come to me. I didn't know what the questions were. I didn't even know to ask any questions.

So what should we encourage our young people to ask our young women?

I think we have to encourage the young women to.

Spend more time figuring out what they like. Masturbation.

When I'm talking to groups of young kids, I'll just challenge them about alcohol. I go, if this whole hookup and hang up thing is so working out so well, why do you have to get so wasted all the time?

Well, we could talk about that. Yeah.

Why do you get so wasted in order to deal with this? I mean, when people dated, they would date without Getting wasted.

When was that?

Now, when you date, think about it. If you went on a date, you wouldn't get trashed.

No.

Yeah, you might have a couple drinks. Right. But to deal with a hookup that you might really drink, people binge on alcohol to deal with that. Right.

And they lose their inhibitions.

That's right. So I asked him, why do you do that? If it's such a great thing, why do you have to get loaded to do that?

Because it's not so great. Because they're not confident and they're really insecure about their ability to perform.

There's that. But then when you dig one slice deeper, what they always say is, well, I want to make sure I don't have any feelings.

And then I ask the males in the room, do you hear that? Why do you guys drink? Well, it has nothing to do with our feelings. And I mean nothing other than.

So they're drinking. Why? To get the girl drunk to have sex with them?

No, no. It's this anxiety of having to deal with this and maybe get rejected. And they don't want to hurt somebody, but they have to medicate that away too.

Exactly.

All their anxiety has to be completely sauced. And the women want to make sure they don't have any attachment. And the guys are shocked when they.

Hear that because they're assuming that the women just want to attach.

They're having the same. They're just anxious and want to have sex. No attach. No attach.

No attach. I mean, I think that this shows that we're all just really scared, especially as young kids, to be vulnerable, you know, to be themselves with their partner. So, like, they're still in that self loathing, which sometimes lasts a lifetime, but we learn how to deal with it. But you know what I mean? Like, they're still like, I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to attach. These are a lot of kids from.

You know, and there are ways to navigate that without hooking up and getting wasted. You could just hang out with people, date somebody, spend time with somebody, and then you might choose to sleep with them or not. You know what I mean? But they just leave that piece out.

I just don't want them to. Yeah, exactly. How do we change this, though? Because again, being sexually being, you know, giving blow, whatever it is, being sexually active is a part of being accepted right now. Like, you kind of have to do it. So.

Isn'T that something? Isn't that something? It is true, but I'M wondering that. I want to ask you real quickly about this, if you think. And then we're getting some emails, because we got some great emails from our people, our listeners, who I love. But how do you think this has changed in, like, the 35 years you were doing loveliness, women's questions around sex?

The questions back, way back, were much more naive. They were just mechanical almost. And really, a lot of STD questions, I mean, all of that was shrouded in mystery. It was called a venereal disease. Just the terminology we use. It's, you know, even just a yeast infection was called maniliosis.

Actually, I like that better than yeast. Can we. Can we bring that back?

Sure. Oh, she's a Canada. Candidiasis.

Yeah.

But it was all shrouded in Latin terminology, and only doctors talked about it. And the antibiotics were all injectable. And it was just very bizarre that we all shrouded in this dark mystery. And so no one had ever heard of most of these things, and no one understood what. All you heard was the clap and crazy shit.

It was the clap.

It was just like gonorrhea.

Gonorrhea, which is making a comeback, but.

It was not even, hallelujah.

Go gonorrhea. They're getting resistant is what's happening. It's getting resistant to the antibiotics, as all bacteria will. But it wasn't even clear if they were talking about syphilis or gonorrhea or. And no one was ever educated on what these things were and how to transmit them. Okay, then the other thing, the bizarre thing that came along was herpes became such a preoccupation, like. And Susan and I were talking. My wife and I were talking about this because why it's a big deal about a itchy rash. Why is that a big deal? I mean, HPV causes cancer, right? People should be worried about that. They should be getting the vaccine and for God's sakes.

Absolutely. What age? 28.

Up until 28. But the optimal of efficacy is like 9 to 12. You get them in childhood, My kids. As soon. As soon as I can get it, I got it for them. Are you kidding? But we decided it's because the name is so gross. Herpes. It's just such a gross name.

Can we change that? What was it?

Well, it's just a family of viruses called herpes. Viruses. Chickenpox is herpes. Chickenpox is herpes. Zoster shingles is herpes.

I mean, it is all herpes.

We didn't change the name of the.

Category because it lasts forever. You can't get rid of it. You take a daily suppressant, but that's not fun.

But you're only taking daily suppressant because of its transmissibility. Otherwise, it's a little rash. Big deal.

Yeah, but then you don't want the rash. And it hurts. I know what you're.

The patients don't notice they have it. Most people have it, don't even know they have it.

No, that's true.

Because it's so mild. As opposed to. It's something that causes cancer or pelvic inflammatory disease or all these things that are really serious. One people are preoccupied with isn't. Is a non event.

It's true.

Which is weird.

And they're all like, you know, hpv. Everyone has it. But you're right. Herpes. They're.

And now they're saying. I was talking to Dr. Bruce Heishover. Remember Bruce?

Dr. Bruce.

Yeah.

I didn't even know it was Heishover. I don't know that, But I know.

Dr. Bruce from the Corolla Network, and he said he's got a friend in a. Works in a. In the Inland Empire here in Southern California. Works at a obstetrical clinic. Prenatal clinic. And he said 50% of the women there test positive when they tested them. 50%. That's how common it is. And most of them don't know the hatred.

Yeah. Wow. I mean, I can believe that. But what should we still be. We still should be practicing safe sex.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Of course.

Okay.

Because. But the point is there are. There are some nasty things out there. For sure.

It's a good time now. Sex. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break. We're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors who we love. And you know that everybody who sponsors the show. I have tried their products. Drew might have tried their products. No, but everyone here.

I have. My wife has.

Yeah. We're gonna go shopping in the closet. But seriously, it helps the show. And again, you can trust everything that I say on here because it's tried and trusted and true. So thank you for supporting the show and supporting our sponsors. We'll be right back.

I like putting effort into my parents. I mean, I want to look good. Who doesn't want to look good? But I don't have a lot of time to spend getting ready. I mean, I'm lucky if I can get out the door with my hair, dry, some lip gloss on, and find my keys and cell phone, you know, but sometimes just not enough if you're anything like me, you kind of feel naked without your brows done. Does that happen? You're like, something's off here. But who has time for, like, four step brow kits? I mean, I don't, so I'm always looking for the products that could do it all, do it well, and do it fast. So recently, I started hunting for the perfect brow product. You know, in all my spare time. I found the Boy Brow from Glossier, and as soon as I saw the words game changer, I had to try it. The Boy Brow is a brow pomade that isn't like, gels or mascara. It's a creamy wax formula, and it gives you this soft, flexible hold that never gets crunchy or stiff. And the best part, it's so simple. You really don't even know how to do your brows. Thank God, because when you use the Boy Brow, you just apply it and brush your brows. The little mascara brush they include, it's so easy. And my brows look amazing. Like, I'm getting compliments. People like, I love your brows, Emily, which is awesome. That's how you know you bought the right product. The Glossier Boy Brow comes in three subtle shades. Blonde, brown, and black. And I don't know how I ever got by without it. I mean, how often is it? All the amazing reviews of a product are spot on. Oh, and it's only $16. The folks at Glossier have set up a special discount for sex with Emmy listeners to save 20% off your order, which is awesome. Go to glossier.com, that's G L O S S I-E-R.com and use code Emily at checkout. Okay, everyone, we're back. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and with my special guest, Dr. Drew Pinsky. So glad you're here.

I know. Me too. We don't see enough of each other.

I know.

Even though we went to a fancy party.

Oh, can we? That was a fun party.

Great party, right?

Okay. So we would go to this fancy party, and it's like, it's. Do you want to say your agent?

It's a big Emmy party with a lot of important people.

Right?

And we were hobnobbing with crazy bunch.

Of celebrities who I don't recognize because I'm starting to watch tv. It's so bad. You know, I moved to la, but.

Emily made my night for, you know, this. Oh, Madison knows. He made my night for it because I'm a big fan of the show Unreal and Constance Zimmer was there. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm such a fan. And you're like, oh, yeah, I gave her a vibrator last week.

I know her. Like, I know her. Hold on, I'm gonna help you. We're gonna go over.

You were at Shiri's house, right?

Yeah. Shiri Appleby, who's the star of Unreal, which is a great show. On what? On what show is it? What network?

Lifetime.

Lifetime. It is an amazing show about reality TV producers and. But the funny thing was, like, Drew was like, did you see who that was? No. He's like, Emily, like, who was it? I don't even know.

Oh, there was so many records. You were standing next to Seal, and you were like, huh.

It's the worst.

I was literally just 2 inches away from him. And then I took a picture of some with me and some model because Mike would freak out if I had it.

Did Mike freak out?

Yeah, of course he did.

Yeah. Mike. Catherine. I mean, it was just fun. I'm like, oh, God. And I'm beating myself going, I need to watch tv. I need to watch more tv. And then all of a sudden, just. Unreal. I know. You're obsessed with. So Sherry Appleby is one of the stars of it. And I went to her baby shower. Cause we had met doing some comedy show. And I brought sex toys for everybody. And I, like, showed them all this stuff. And Constance Zimmer, who's also on the show, was there. So I happened to know her. So Drew's like, oh, my God. I'm like, I'm gonna introduce you to somebody. We ran over there, and she knew, of course, loved you. Oh, so funny. And that was funny.

Thank you for that.

That was a fun party.

It was really fun. And we made our way around pretty good. I think there were lots of really, really important people. I was trying to.

You pivin. You're like. He comes up and says hi to you. He. You know, that is. I'm like, Jeremy Piven. I'm like, I thought he was familiar. Oh, damn. He's so cute. That was fun. We have a good time. Okay.

But now back to female sexuality. My head is spinning a little bit about something we just touched on. I really didn't get deep into. And I don't. We gotta. You and I need to dig into this research a little bit. I mean, why are women so disconnected? It feels like it's a complicated topic. It's easy to go. They're not socialized to be. Or they're socialized not to be. It feels deeper it feels more profound.

I feel like they're really disconnected because there's so many insecurities, too. Body image issues. They're not really comfortable. They have confidence, but then they take their clothes off and they're like, I gained two pounds.

You know what it is with me whenever we talk about this? I get sad for women. It makes me very sad because women take on so much. They automatically do that, and we've got to. That's what I would alert a young woman about. I say, don't. Don't take it up. But it's not your responsibility. You don't have to make the guy happy. Make yourself happy. Don't assume. Don't do inventories on yourself. Look out there first. And good to take responsibility for things, sure. But you're. You're. You're not being kind to yourself.

But I don't know how unless you get into the schools or you get into the parent.

See, parents do podcasts. We talk about it.

But you've three kids. I mean, it's hard to talk. Kids. Kids don't want to listen. Like, even my niece, when she was 15. And I know. And this is what they do. They're like, I don't want to hear it. I was like, you know, my brother left the room so I could finally talk to her because I knew it was the age. And just like a few years ago, I was like, listen, honey, I know you know what I do, and I'm gonna say this, and I'm gonna say it quickly. Don't ever have sex with anyone or do anything sexually because you think they're gonna like you more.

But sexy, simple as. That's the starting point.

He was like. We were at Sunset Tower having dinner, and my brother went to the bathroom for 30 seconds. So I was like, listen, it's about your pleasure and masturbation. She goes, aunt Em. I'm like, listen, I don't know if.

You'Re masturbating tonight for dinner.

Why don't we go there?

All right, let's go.

Okay, so we have ADD together, which is awesome. So I was like, so it's about your own pleasure, so figure out what you like. The boys aren't gonna like. In fact, they'll respect you more if you know what feels good to you. So I want you to masturbate. I want you to figure out. And she's like, okay, Aunt Em, but I feel like that's kind of what you need to say.

Auntie M has changed a lot since the wizard of Oz, right?

No, but really. Right, but I mean, it's like, I feel like that there's so many insecurities.

But that's the starting point. To me, that's just the starting point. There's just something else going on here that's sort of profound and, and it has something to do here. This is my instinct on this.

Tommy, let's get this to the bottom.

Yeah. It has something to do with our desire for equality of the sexes. Because we have a weird thing in this country where equal opportunity under the law, equal pay, equal equality in the workforce, somehow goes all the way to therefore we are equal in all respects. We're not equal in all respects. You're shorter than I am. You have darker hair than I do. We're different in lots of wonderful ways. We deserve equality of opportunity, equality of access and everything guaranteed equal to flourish in the context of what we actually are, which is this rich soup of all different kinds of people. And with the XY chromosome versus the XX chromosome, some really interesting things come along with it. And the xx, you know, I believe is a better form of the human being. Madison's giggling. I believe that. Stop giggling.

It's true.

Yeah, it's true. It is true. You're using more of your brain, you're more resilient. There's your babies. And more certainly what we need in our world today, that's for sure. And to tell them you're equally exactly the same as a 17 year old male is undermining what is rich and amazing about that.

That's how we have to like tease it apart.

We have to like support that somehow. And it has to be like a movement or something.

I would. Let's start the movement now. I mean, I would like to sit down. Maybe it's outside the schools. I think it should be. I really want to say to them, like, here's your bodies, here's how you understand it. Like, it's about, you know, because they're so disconnected from their own bodies and their own pleasure and like what makes them feel good and they've expectate. I'm telling you, I can't get.

I would stay in the zone of what makes what makes you feel good. Pleasure sounds a little bit.

What makes what feels good to you.

How do you feel good? How do you gain happiness? And we don't even know what happiness is in this country anymore.

No, that's right. There's 18 books written about happiness and.

They don't even define happiness. They don't start from what the hell.

Are they Talking about because happiness is an illusion. You don't have to be happy all the time either. People think I'm happy for a second and then I'm not. But that's a whole nother thing.

Did you want to indulge your ADD for a second?

Yeah, go.

Always there is hedonic happiness, which my heroin addicts experience every time they take a dose.

Right. Woo.

Feel good. That's not very good. It's not a good life. It's not a sustainable happiness. It's pleasurable for a few seconds, but it's empty. As opposed to what's called eudaimonic happiness, which is how do you lead a good life? And it turns out giving to other people, empathy, connecting, all that giving back. That's where real happiness comes from. Now I would argue, and I think, you know, you're particularly your audience, that deep into that Eudaimonic happiness is a proper physical connection with somebody.

Absolutely. That's how we do our best work and how we grow. But yet weren't. Yeah, exactly. And we're not really learning or teaching people how to do that. And they don't have great models. What about the fact that all these kids today, a lot of them come from divorced families. 50% divorce rate. And then.

So they have no faith in relationships.

No faith in relationships. Why should we get married? Look what a disaster was.

You saw a lot of that.

I went through 18 divorces and my parents alone, back and forth.

How did that affect you?

Oh, I do. I'm totally normal. Come on. The weird thing is, Drew, it didn't affect me at all. Which is so weird. I'm almost anomaly. We should study that next.

But yeah, it affects you. And you have to figure that out. How it affects you. And you have to be honest about it.

That's why therapy too, at a young age. So is there a way in these schools when kids are going, why do I laughing? Because it didn't affect me at all.

Those destroyed men pity me up.

Not destroyed. I was called a man eater for what was a long time ago.

But they survived. Yes, you're right.

They did survive.

They're humans.

They're happy. They did not die. No. And no one dies from rejection. Okay, people, let's not forget that Nietzsche would say, but here's the thing which.

Does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

Exactly. It's so true. And I feel like my. So yes, I went.

The real quote is in the Art of War. That's what she's not destroy me makes.

Me feel back to War.

That was the. That was the actual story.

I get it. But it's still about life. All the things that were so hard in my life, I. I'm grateful for them. And truly, truly, truly, I would not be who I am as independent as, like. I mean, of course, as tough, as, like, resilient as I wouldn't have been in therapy for 20 last 20 years.

But that's part of eudaimonic happiness was gratitude for what you have.

Right.

Whatever that might be.

And not. And also the wrong attitude of happiness that you have to be happy all the time.

Who's happy all the time? Ordinary misery. Ordinary misery. I've been telling this story a lot lately. Well, two things. Apparently, when Freud came to this country, they were like, Dr. Freud, what do you plan to join here to study in America? He goes, well, I like to distinct find the difference between real mental illness and ordinary misery.

And Woody Allen has a thing in Annie hall, which I happen to see.

You know, my favorite movie ever.

Well, they were in the bookstore when they first met, getting to know each other. And she's going, you know, you have a weird preoccupation about death, you know. And he goes, well, he goes, I think that life is divided into kinds of people. There's the horrible, like, people who've had, you know, cancers and cervical spine injuries. And the rest of us, the miserable. The horrible and the miserable. That's.

He's absolutely right. Yeah. I mean, and if you go back to, you know, you can read all the new age therapy, psychology, the 15 happiness books, it really all goes back to the Buddha who said, there's a universal law of suffering. We are all going to suffer in some way.

I'm so upbeat. So, dude.

But it's true. It's like we are gonna. But not gonna, like, suffer our entire lifetime. But how are you gonna deal with that suffering? Because it's in our minds. And if the. And then everyone else springs from there, you know. But it's. It's like this illusion that everything just to be so great, you have to ride the waves.

That's right. We don't want to feel anything uncomfortable.

Another fun thing is my friend and I always joke, my friend Charlotte, who you met, we would joke. We're like, things are great. She's a vet. We joke. Everything's amazing. And then I'm like, yep, but misery's right around the corner because it's kind of true. But just so I know, I think it's good for people to know that. Like, to think that every Day is going to be perfect. But you do your best.

You make me anxious.

I'm making you anxious.

Talking about misery. So I brought it up.

You. You divers.

I add this out. Yes, I did. I compulsed this out.

Okay, well, we can go back to. We can answer emails.

Yes, they do.

But we were also saying what we should do. We're gonna. These emails are gonna help.

The more specific. The more specific we can be. And the more questions we can answer, the closer we'll get to the bonus.

Perfect. Okay, so thank you, everyone, for emailing me. Feedbackextwithelmi.com you gotta hook up.

You gotta start taking phone calls.

I know.

That's your next thing.

We're starting to take voicemails, so phone calls. I know we've kind of got.

You can do it with Skype. So you can do with Skype.

We have a plan.

We have a plan for it. But what we're doing, technically, next time I come up on the show, you're gonna be doing phone calls.

Calls. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And look how easy this was. I know for you to get here now that you figured it out with the weird parking lot.

Still figured out my car. I'm afraid we're gonna break into it out there.

No, it's fine. We're not like, in the hood like it was Hollywood. What's gonna happen?

Oh, no.

Okay, okay. Someone's gonna. No, we're fine. We're safe. Okay, so feedback. Also, you can leave right now on our website. We've got an Ask Emily thing. You go there, you can just easily email straight through the website. We're also taking your voicemail messages, which are fun. 818-ASK-SW E1. This is all on the website. So remember your name, your where you're listening from, your age. It just helps to know how old you are.

And because my wife runs my website and my podcast over there, I want to remind you, please go to drdu.com she'll be so happy if you go and support that website to make visits and go on the contact the email list. She'll be so happy.

Yeah. I mean, Drew, everyone. Yeah, you've got. You. You give great podcasts.

We do. But. But. But Susan's so excited about, you know, expanding that and doing it. Yeah, she's been doing a great job.

With it, I'm sure after listening to you. Now, if they haven't before, they will do that, and if not, I'll just get really mad at you all.

Okay, good.

Okay, we've got some subject We've got some emails here, so here we go. Hey Emily, I found your podcast a week ago and I'm in love. Thank you for all of your wonderful advice. Last night I was listening to the episode Dating, Mating and Pulling out and was surprised by your reaction to something one of your listeners wrote to you. You Talked about a 26 year old nudist who was dating a 40 year old man and seemed kind of concerned about the age difference. Maybe I should explain my own situation. I'm a 25 year old sex positive female who had an emotionally absent father. Because of this, I've always looked to older men for love and acceptance. I'm independent, self sufficient in all other areas of areas of life. But this has been a point of internal conflict that I can't seem to reconcile. A few weeks ago I met a 49 year old man who shares my same kinks, but is also kind and offers me what my father never did, a safe place to share my feelings and needs. So my question is this. Am I in dangerous emotional territory right now? We're looking to be in a friends with benefits relationship, but also open to seeing what it develops into. I've had success with FWB relationships in the past, but this one has started to bring up a lot of repressed daddy issues from my past because of the age difference. Should I look at this as a healing experience where I finally get what I wanted from an older man?

All right, all right, here we go.

So what do you think, Lauren?

All right. It's complicated. Actually, probably more complicated than she imagines. Reenacting the deficiencies of our childhood does not work. Does not work. You end up being re traumatized. So I'm gonna bet because you are reenacting an abandonment, this man will oblige you by abandoning you. And he's already set it up by telling you he's not into a real relationship. So you have decided that we'll see what happens here. He has decided we'll have a kinky sexual relationship and you are going to get some intense feelings which you're already alluding to. He will not reciprocate them would be my prediction. And even if he does, he probably can't sustain it and you're going to feel all left behind all again. It's going to re traumatize you all over again. Now if you, if this does blossom into a real love relationship and it works for you, it's still risky for you because by the time you're 49.

Yeah, yeah.

The priorities, the kinds of things you're of kind concerned with in your life are so different now. Can it ever work out? Yeah, I'm sure it can work out. I'm sure people will send a bunch of emails to Emily now going, oh, ours worked out. It can't. But you can sort of see how this one is set up not to. It's set up not to. Because when people have traumas in their childhood, they're attracted to. This is the nature of the human being, right? We are attracted to people and circumstances that are just like the people that engage in the original trauma. So I know from my clinical experience that this guy, she's. She's. She's cast him in the role, right, of dad that's going to leave and.

He will leave and wait, but could she ever heal the trauma through reenactment? It just can't happen.

It just doesn't happen. So that's because the guy. Because the guy that she actually needs to be with is not a guy like her dad. Because those are abandoning males, right?

That's what we're most attracted to.

That's right. And she. Well, that's what she's attracted to because she was abandoned. And that's what the trauma does to it. And so you've got to be with a guy that's really deeply, intimately connected to you, and that will be very confusing and uncomfortable to you. And what most people do in that situation that have her history. They sabotage it, Right, Exactly.

They sabotage it. And then we tend to read. That's why when we say, like, what can we do to help young women now with sexual. With their sexuality and, and growing into. I think a lot of it has.

To do with treat your trauma.

Treat your trauma. Because. Because Drew, you know, I've been doing all this, like, somatica sex training and stuff, and I'm with. In this room with women who are in their 30s, 40s, men too, who are like, they have trauma. It's not dealt with. And they're at 35 going, why can't I orgasm? Why can't I trust men? The guys are, like, still dealing with some horrible rejection from college and feels like the women will never like them or family stuff. It's inner child. It's trauma, it's abuse, and it will not go away. I'm seeing this. So that's why I want to get. When they're young, like women. When they're young, like, and men too, but, like, get into these issues in, like therapy. I mean, I don't think listening to the show is very helpful, listening to your podcast.

And we're not saying you have to go through years of therapy or there's something wrong with you. We're saying these are common problems today, and they can't. They don't work themselves out. Or to the extent that they do work themselves out, I won't say they can't work themselves out, because a mild version can, of course, but they tend not to. And they're so easily treated. They're easily.

So easily treated. But it's just interesting. I don't even know what the analogy is, but you literally could go 20 years doing the same exact dating patterns when you could nip it now, early on. Yes, that's our recommendation, Lauren, because you're 25, you've got plenty of time here.

And I understand this is exciting. And when we're treating something like this, we go, you know what you need as a trauma survivor? You have to think butterflies, not lightning bolts.

Right. Someone was just quoting you on that. Yeah, people quote you all the time. Anderson sits here on the podcast like, well, Drew says. Drew says. It's really cute. It's sweet.

Ran into him on Hollywood Boulevard, like, two nights ago randomly. He was going to see Dee Antwerd. Really?

Yes, of course he was. Yes, of course he was. Oh, my God, he's great.

And why were all the people in the teddy bear outfits or whatever the hell they were, they were sort of furry looking. What was that all about?

Madison Diane Weird is known for their, like, really extreme fan base, and they do like, a lot of, like, performance art, like, super freaky inside.

All right, well, they were. They were all over the place.

Right. If you're gonna see them anywhere.

Addison Fitra.

Anyway, was he all dressed up like a fur? Sorry, I missed. That would be great. Okay. Dear Emily, I have no words to describe how much I love your show, your guests, and everything you do on your podcast. I've been listening for a while now. I'm 24 years old, and I've never been intimate with a guy. I meet people, but I get so anxious and shy about my lack of experience that I ultimately don't pursue any kind of relationship.

That's a growing population right now. This was. This was something everyone is a hurry not to. To be 20 years ago.

Exactly. So that's why it's different, too. They're not looking into the relationship.

But what's interesting to me is that they don't. Once they get. They sort of seem like they're pretty comfortable and secure, but then they can't get out.

They can't get out of the.

The virginity hex curse is exactly it.

They're different.

Isn't that weird?

Yes. And a lot of women are. Well, I'm not going to go. I'm not following you down this add path right now.

Let's do the email. Yeah.

Which is weird that I'm redirecting, but okay. Lack of experience. Okay, here's the thing. I meet people, but I get so anxious and shy about my lack of experience. Experience. I ultimately don't pursue the relationship. I don't know whether it's best to tell the partner about my lack of experience or not. Should you read my question? Please give me some advice. Thank you. Big kisses from Europe, Regina. Yeah, European. And so, I mean, this is such a common question I get from men and women that they're. In their mind, their lack of sexual experience are holding them back from putting themselves out. Like, they think that they have to be like this. That's just one part of this email that they've got to be like, first of all, if you've never had sex before, how can you be amazing at sex? No one's expecting you to know everything. But again, I think going back to porn, they watch us and think, I've got to be doing all these tricks.

Right. That and I would think a little deeper about maybe there's something else going on that made it easy for you to be a virgin. Like maybe you already had some body image issues or some intimacy, whatever, and sort of think about, you know, was this particularly easy for me? And if so, I wonder why. Why that was more easy than perhaps it should have been. So look at those issues. That they may be resurfacing in some way and they're not obvious. But the other thing is, you need to know what the male perspective is on this is they could not give a rat's hiney about durability. Right? Here's what.

They're just happy you're touching their penis.

Oh, my God. They're happy your heart is beating and you're present. That's all they care about. But in fact, the heartbeat, some of them. Oh, I'm sorry.

But there's a. But there's. From the male perspective, what do you think their man would worry about with this girl?

Performance anxiety?

No.

What, that he's doing a good job?

Nope, nope.

What's he worrying about?

He's worried about the responsibility of being her first. Oh, my God. This is gonna mean it has to be a relationship. And I'M her first. I know that's a big deal to her.

Some guys think this.

Oh, no, it's a common thing. Even guys that are animals, still, this goes through their head and they'll just rather not deal with it and they just move on.

So do you think she shouldn't tell him?

Well, just first of all, understand he's not concerned about your body or your performance.

Okay, so she's talking about the wrong things.

He's already decided, that's all. Good. And what he's worried about is, I don't want this to be super intense. I don't want the responsibility. I know she'll always remember me as my first. And then I'll be the guy, the first guy that comes in and takes off. And so you better be really clear with him about what you want.

Right.

You know, this is going to be a big deal for me or this isn't. I'm ready to get rid of this. And don't worry, I won't worry about my first time.

Well, no, but here. What do you think about that? Okay, so that was another thing I was going to bring up is that there's all these studies now saying that young women are saying, I want to get rid of my virginity before I go to college. I just want to, like, check it off the list because I don't want to have this anxiety around it. I don't even care if I know them. I don't care if I'm blacked out drunk.

Well, but. And again, if you're having to blackout drunk, that tells you you do care, number one. And then number two.

The I don't care sounds a little defensive.

Right. Whenever you don't care, like you really care because you're writing me an email. But you said when I. When you were cutting me off and then I was cutting you off. But what you said was, you said, this is an issue, Emily. You said, this is it, this intimacy thing. It's because they don't want to get intimate with anyone.

Right. There may be some anxiety about intimacy generally, or the intensity of it or something. And by the way, when you're 17, that's healthy, right? That's good. It is too intense. That's not a bad instinct at 17. At 24, if you're relying on that feeling, you got to go take yourself by the hand and maybe not let that prevail because maybe it's grown into something more than it needs to be at 24.

And she can also nip it in the budget. Go to therapy because this will continue, this anxiety.

You're not 17 anymore. You're 24. Let's get on with it. And if it's going to be a big deal, warn your partner. It's going to be a big deal. And let him decide if he wants to hang around. Do not worry about your body or your performance. He is overwhelmingly pleased with that. Before the sheets are opened up, before you get through the sheets, we're all.

Worried about, like, they have to. And I just don't understand. It's like saying like, doctor, like your first year of medical school. Medical school. You should have been a perfect doctor. Like, things. To have great sex takes a long time. That's why there's studies about women later in life.

I saw a guy today who I literally had to say, you're aware that most males first time out have sexual dysfunction of some type. Most males, significant majority. Some kind either too fast or too slow or erectile dysfunction or something that almost very common. First go around.

Yeah. And you're gonna worry about either way. It's probably gonna happen. So, like, just don't worry about it. I can tell you it's easier said than done. But you're right. And women aren't necessarily gonna enjoy it, which is.

Again, I get sad whenever you say that. Then the women's. My instinct is. I know. And my feeling is like, why are you doing it it. Because believe me, the guy is really, really, really enjoying it. And it's not just for him.

Well, that's.

You got to find a way for you to enjoy it too.

This is. This. This is our mission. How do we get women to understand that sex is for their pleasure and that it's not just for their enjoyment.

How do we teach them that? Well, again, some of the stuff we've said already, I don't want to repeat that, but I. But it feels like we need a place that they can come and ask these questions.

Let's do like, I think so too.

Do a talk show. We do that.

I would love it. I would. Let me. You know, they listen. We're doing it.

Yeah.

It's done.

Campaign for it, everybody.

Okay. Yeah.

Because if they were sort of across the country, women need a clubhouse, like a place for women.

Safe space, you know, because then there was a study about, you know, you know, sex education in America isn't great. But in. It was saying in Dutch, the Dutch system of education, they talk about pleasure and they teach you about. And they're having much pleasure.

Children are seen, media seen as a As a asset, an ally and all that this kids aren't seen as the enemy. They're seen as the companion. We're helping all together. Yeah, I used to do a lot of this work back in the day.

Well, we're still doing it. I'm glad you're here.

And we used to use the Dutch example as the one we'd point out, particularly in terms of the relationship with media.

Well, I'm going to Amsterdam next week and I'm doing some.

Next week.

I know, I know. I haven't gone a lot. Tuesday.

No, but forget gosh.

Germany. Come, come Germany. Amsterdam, my way. Great. We'll talk after. Okay. Hi, Emily. I'm so happy I came across your show on itunes. It really is open. Open up my mind. And I enjoy hearing you openly talk about sex and relationships, which more people need to do in my opinion. Anyway, I need some help. Over a year ago, I was in a toxic relationship. He was manipulative and never opened up emotionally. We had a ton of sex, so that was never an issue. But I felt a huge disconnect. He ended up cheating on me with an ex, which left me feeling super shitty and ruined my trust with guys.

This is interesting.

Ever since that relationship, I feel like I've had a huge trust issue and now I'm the one who can't open up emotionally. I still have sex with guys, but I leave before things get intimate. I need help. I've enjoyed my single life. My self love life is perfect. But I do want to eventually have a relationship again. I just freak out whenever there's a guy that may actually be into me. My perspective is so distorted. Hope to hear from you. Keep doing what you're doing. Much love. Summer 22, North Carolina.

Summer is a great candidate for therapy. She would really get better so fast. She really would. But she might want to read books by Pia Melody because this is in that zone of sex and love addiction where she's really great with the sex and can just do it and no problem. But then she gets in too deep. And she only gets in deep with a guy that abandons. And here we go into the cycle. And now she can't open up with somebody who's actually available. So that's that cycle. Love addiction, love avoidance.

And here's the thing, it just takes one really shitty relationship. Relationship at 22 triggers it and it could. It could be gone for 20 years if she doesn't deal with it now.

So a book called Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody. I would strongly urge you to look into that and they talk about the things that set this up and what you need to do to heal it. And it is a quite healable.

And you have a good resources page on your website. I doctordoux.com with all these books that you mentioned.

Pia, Melody, she's great in this area. And this is more what I used to see. This was a lot of the stuff we used to see.

Really?

Yeah, this was more the sort of 90s and early 2000s and stuff about the. Now it's getting a little. No, just the mixed sex and love addiction. The back and forth and the abandonment and the over intensity was very popular back then.

Right. And now what?

Now we have some of the same. But. But it's, you know, like that virginity thing we had. That's kind of a new thing. The, you know, inability to get close at all because of all the pornography and the, you know, just this lack of the usual developmental milestones aren't getting met and people are sort of lost in that process of navigating a relationship.

Right. They don't even know how and they don't necessarily have models of it in their own homes.

That's right.

And the kids don't want their friends.

And then you look on the Internet. It's all bullshit or it's all intense or. Yeah, it's all porn. Not bashing porn.

Not bashing porn. Hey, who likes. Everyone likes to get off. But it's not technically how you should be learning how to have sex.

Well, and you could if you were, I guess, perfect. Yeah. Freaks people out. If you were perfect perfectly, you know, for adults, you know, that are healthy relationship, awesome. But if young people are having trouble navigating, they look at that and they freaks them out.

Right. And I think the thing with porn too is that it freaks a lot of women out because they're like, well, I don't know how to do all those things. Like I. How would I get that in my mouth? Like, I don't understand. So then that scares me even more.

Do you know. Do you know Nikki Glaser?

Yeah, of course. Yes.

Why? Why? Why? Because we both did the show. Yeah.

Yeah.

So. So she has some funny stuff about that, her stand up.

So. She does. Yeah, she's. We're both going to be on her TV show.

Yes, we were both. Yes.

Okay, another one. Hi, Emily. I'm a new listener to the show. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a late bloomer sexually. My teens and twenties were filled with insecurities and anxieties I had a few sexual experiences, but none which I particularly enjoyed. I've been masturbating regularly since I was 20 and have watched soft ish porn regularly as well. I've been able to achieve orgasm pretty easily via one of these combinations. Porn plus vibrator. Porn plus finger in hand vibrator only Fantasizing. Over the past couple years, I've chilled out a bit.

Isn't that pretty much every combination?

I guess so, yeah. It's so specific.

I can't think of any other ones.

I don't really know. No vibrator or just fingers?

She said that?

I don't know. This is very specific here. Thank you very much for your details. I've chilled out a bit and I've been dabbling much more into the dating and sex world. Nothing serious or super regular, but much more than before. My problem is I cannot seem to get aroused when I'm with a partner. I enjoy the experience, but I don't really get aroused like I would watching porn. And I'm nowhere near orgasm. Obviously this is a bummer. Okay, I've introduced the vibrator to the bedroom a few times, but that doesn't really help since I can't get aroused. It's the mind. I'm sure some of it is nerve since the guys have been random hookups or guys I'm casually dating. But I can't help but wonder if I did some irreparable damage to my brain from all those years of easy arousal and easy stimulation. It's like my entire sex drive goes away when I'm with a real person. How effed up am I? Doomed. Is there a way to help out? Thank you, Jennifer. And we hear this from men as well.

So I think it's interesting. And you're not effed up. But it is an interesting problem. There's a great new book out called Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation by Alexander Katahakis. It is a survey. It's comprehensive in this area and it's tremendous. I don't think she's a sex addict. I think she has probably become dependent on some of the level of intensity of arousal you see in pornography. And she needs to sort of go abstinent for a while. From the porn.

From the porn.

And the same thing is true of the vibrator. You can overstimulate vibrators. You can sort of. Little bit. And so you. Or just bring the vibrator into your. Bring it in the bedroom. That was a smart move. And then create more Safety in your relationships. You know, where this cuff. You talk about that and let's talk about that. You know, what do women need to start to feel the arousal and feel safely able to express whatever is they need to.

Well, there's two things. Yeah, I mean, I think that she said she dating friends with benefit. Women have great sex. For a lot of women, they need to feel safe.

I was gonna say. And again, everybody. Women are everywhere.

We're all different.

Snowflowers. I mean, the snowflakes. Like I said, they are. And that is not a hyperbole. That is a fact.

Our vaginas are like snowflakes.

Everything about your vaginas are like snowflakes. Everything. And as you and I discussed the other day how freaked out men get about that.

Oh, my God, poor men. I do. I feel a lot of compassion for men.

Because you're seeing that.

No, Every vagina. Like I say, you put a hundred women in a room and they're all gonna. Or they're all masturbating. Every hundred doing something different.

All doing something different.

So confusing.

And all for male. It's just the males are all doing the same thing.

Penis is easy. Vaginas, clitoris is not easy. It's like the scoop of life.

But. But the point is that. So please. When we say most women are. We understand that there's a spectrum here, but go ahead. Most women need to feel safe.

But here's the other thing. It's. This is what. What's going on between our brains. Like, our brain is like our largest, most effective sex organs. So she's been watching porn a lot. And I think that the porn. Jennifer is. Again, you're not. We're kind of like. Remember before porn, we actually had to fantasize. We had to come up with these things. And for women, this is why we're not turned on a lot. This is why we don't enjoy sex. Because we don't really understand fantasy and we don't spend a lot of time working on that fantasy. So I would say, like, the reason why you're with these guys and all of a sudden you're like, I don't know what to do is because you haven't cultivated, like, a healthy, fancy life, which is actually kind of a fun homework assignment. And like a fun thing you can do is to think about, you know, maybe it's scenarios that happened for you in the past or things you want to happen in the future. But for a lot of women, like, we need. We need to tap into that to have Our orgasms.

And what are the scenarios like?

Oh, my God, they could be anything. I mean, for women, a lot of times, you know, common scenarios are around, like, being dominated, being taken, being worshiped, letting up. I mean, you're saying your fantasies, not.

Necessarily things that we want the worship one. I heard Robin Quivers talking about that once, and I started thinking, oh, that never occurs to me that. That because men don't want to be worshiped, that's not our thing. But I could see how women appreciated us back then. Appreciate it. And we went, you know, oh, yeah, no women.

And it's funny. Like, there's like archetypal, like, fantasies that women have, and most of them have to do with being worshiped, being, you know, just adorable.

Describe worship.

What does that look like? So this. And honestly, this goes back to the. The rape fantasy that we always hear about that's so common. Like, oh, rape, that's horrible. But. But the other, the flip side of the rape fantasy is that it's not so much like we want to be raped and hurt and taken at gunpoint. It's that it's that whole mentality that, like, this guy has such lust and such passion for me that he has. He just needs to have me because I am so. I'm a sexual goddess and he cannot keep his hands off me. And he. And he wants. He just has to have meat on.

The male that's actually experiencing that is when it's going to be very fast with what they're doing. Is your fantasy include the speed with which a real male.

You mean like he's premature ejaculating?

Well, not necessarily, but he's going to go right to intercourse.

Oh, well, that's the other thing, is that when women have fantasies we're thinking about. We think about anticipation, we think about teasing. We have, like, that's why we have plots to our fantasies. I mean, I've been actually thinking a lot about fantasy lately because I realized, like, I wasn't fantasizing a lot. I'm just kind of like. I mean, I've had them in the past, of course. Well, I think about me.

You're onto something here, I think. I think this is. This is not an area. It's certainly not something that's encouraged. I think it's. It could be for women.

Yes. It's like the erotic mind. Like, Jack Warren wrote a great book like in the 70s about, like, everyone's core erotic theme.

We'll go about the worshiping again.

Worship worshiping.

Like, because that's mysterious. To a man, it's like worshiping.

Okay. Like, I mean, God, you're so hot. Your body, your breasts. I mean, like, your. Your eyes. I could look at them for hours. Like, just.

But that's how a man feels about any woman he's choosing to have sex with.

Great. But he should talk about. He should.

We want to hear the words.

We want to hear, like, thinking about. I know, but why? Like, just.

I mean, awkward.

Yeah. Like, I would just like to email a guy list and be like, say all these things. I'd be happy. Like, I don't care that I had to tell you, but I need to hear this. Awkward.

Make a list. You should publish that list.

I should publish that list. Like, tell me how hot I am. Like, I used to joke with Menace on the show. I'm like, I need 10 compliments a day. He's like, 10. And I was just saying that so, like, maybe I would get two. Right? Like, maybe tell me, like, I'm beautiful. Tell me it's not because I need my ego so hurt.

Know that a lot of men, when they see men, other men doing that to women, they go, oh, guys manipulating.

Right?

That is a guy. You should not trust that. That's what we think.

Well, if it's a guy, he's like, you're so hot, I delete him. He doesn't know me.

But we. But we don't. That's why we don't cultivate that. Maybe because we don't trust that in other men.

Right.

That makes sense.

Yeah. Because you. Exactly. And you think that men are just doing that. It seems kind of cheesy.

It seems kind of cliche, manipulative.

Right.

Seems like really, like, if we look other guys, if there were a group of guys standing watching a guy doing that, they go, oh, don't trust that guy. Are you kidding? That guy you're going with. That guy talks like that.

Well, like, I think it's just more in relationship.

I'm just saying.

No, you're right. The guy who was like, you're so beautiful.

But that's what. That's where our resistance comes from, why.

You don't do it.

Yeah. So we need to overcome that and menace also.

Not that he's like the source here, but a lot of men, actually, because he's like the everyman in many ways.

Men's right there in his name.

What men?

Ness.

Unfortunately. Which is strange. But. But they think that. Well, then she's just gonna think she has me wrapped on her finger. Like, I know she wants Me to worship her.

Yeah, there's some of that.

If I, like, kiss her ass too much and tell her how hot she is, she's just gonna know it. She's gonna leave me. Or she's into.

Oh, that's interesting. So that's the flip side. You're right. That. That is Male insecurity gets triggered by that, which is. That's bs, frankly. And many to get over that. And so.

Okay, so the thing about so going back to Jennifer and erotic fantasy, it's like, like I actually now this is my new topic of obsession is fantasy. Because I realized I think it's worthy. So, like, I was talking to some friends. I was in New York. I was visiting some old friends too, when I was there for this expo. But I was also talking to friends.

Cisco, New York, Amsterdam, Madison. What the hell? Does she ever work, this woman?

I'm working on these trips. So I was, I was seeing my friend who she's been married for 10 years, best friend from college. I was like, so what do you fantasize? She's like, actually been married for 12 years, super happy with her husband. They've sex like three times a week, which I find surprising. Two kids. I said, what do you fantasize about? She goes, oh, God, everything. She goes, I'll just like when she masturbates, she's, you know, like, I lay down, she's like. And I think about these, like, scenarios. She says, I think about, like, what I'm. I think about myself going into, like, ball or something. And I'm wearing an outfit, and I picture my outfit. And then I walk in and there's all these men. And a lot of women dream about multiple men pleasing them. She goes in, there's men in the room. And a lot of women say this too. They're kind of faceless, nameless, faceless.

Thing is so bizarre to us. And by the way, everything about these dreams sort of threaten us. These fantasies, if you're the partner, I understand. I'm all ears. I'm all ears. I'm just telling you the.

What about your fantasies? I didn't want to know your thing, right?

Men, they like to look, right?

And it's done and there's no plot. She was hot, she had boobs, whatever. But for women, we have this elaborate. Because that's the way we're going to get excited through our brain thinking about these things. And so she's like, that's what I do. And I'm like, well, how long? It sounds so elaborate. She's like, five minutes. So it's not even that it takes that long. And so for women who are like, I have low libido, I can't get in the mood. I try. They're not using their brain to think about it. And that's why I always say, foreplay starts after the last orgasm. I want it.

The younger women, if we can. If they have a similar ability.

Oh, yeah, I can help. I mean, I try to help them to say, like, if you don't know what turns you on, you're like, I don't fantasize about anything. Read erotica. Think about your most. What's the. When I ask you, what's the best sex you ever had? Why, like, think about that one time that was amazing, and then fantasize on that. Create a story. No, you don't have to share it with anybody, but it'll get you going. And when I say, like, foreplay starts after the last orgasm, like, my quote there on the wall is, it's because what you can do if you're in a relationship, that's why sexting is kind of cool in your relationship. It's like, I can't stop thinking about how hot that was last night. And then your brain's on board, because when your brain's on board, you're gonna be on more.

That makes sense to me.

Okay, good. I like when things make sense. Okay. Another email.

I'm trying to represent all men.

You do. Do the best I can, but, you know. Another email.

Yeah.

So which one?

Do you wanna ask anything? What do you wanna ask anything?

Oh, my God, I have so many questions.

I mean, she represents young, younger women.

Yeah, she's totally.

Come on, grab a mic.

So, Madison, Producer Madison. Yeah, hi on Mike. What are some of your questions here?

Okay, so earlier, you guys, I was like, typing them out because I had so many. Earlier you guys were talking about what questions can young girls should they be asking? And I think the one that no one ever explained to me and that I think that I had the most questions about when I were. That I wish that I had known. Okay, so why have sex? Like, why do it as a teenager? What is the purpose if I'm not?

Well, that's my question. Why do they really are not in any way to enjoy it? They shouldn't be.

I thought that you had sex because it's just something that you did. It's a way of being. It was like a way of being closer to guys, a way of being liked.

And it's like there's Something like there is something about being closer, right? That's the truth. If you can be comfortable in it. If you can't though, you, you're not.

Getting closer, you're getting closer.

But as a teenager, as you pointed out, boys are just these big balls of hormones and they've almost got a 10 foot radius around them. So there is no being closer to teenage boys really, except physically, because emotionally they're like just hormones. That's all it is. It's just vibrating balls of hormones. So I guess my question is if you're talking to a teenage, you're talking to a teenage girl and she's looking at it like, okay, so I'm supposed to have sex for my pleasure, but I don't really know what that means and no boy is going to help me with it. So like, why, why have sex?

Wouldn't we urge that they not, they.

Don'T have sex if you don't really.

We would urge like cultivating fantasy, cultivating masturbation, cultivating a relationship in which suddenly you maybe do want to have sex in that relationship.

Don't feel forced into it, don't have the peer pressure, don't even have expectations that it's something that you do. I mean, this would have to literally be a movie.

I think they get just like the fantasy of sex. I think young girls get sort of a fantasy, sort of arousal out of sexting and about being wanted and that kind of stuff. And they just don't know how to control it.

Well, yeah, exactly.

They don't know what it's doing to the males. They don't know how to, you know, take limits down.

You're being wanted and you're being wanted and it's such like an intoxicating feeling. And I mean, like, even girls my age right now are going through the exact same thing. Yeah, I'm 26.

Right.

Oh, aging me the other day, you're like, you're still 23 to me.

That's my haircut.

Yeah. Okay, so there are girls that are my age who are still having this issue where there's that intoxication of being wanted by a man he wants, you know, or like a boy, for lack of a better word. He wants, you know, he wants to see pictures of you, he wants to touch you, he wants to be near you, he wants to do all these things and it's slowly gets you closer and closer. But like there is no, there's no, there's this huge gray area between like you want to be wanted and then the minute you give them what they want, they're gone.

Exactly.

They may well be.

Took the picture that you sent them.

Exactly.

Showed it to all their friends.

I thank God that, like, you know, we did kind of sexting when I was in high school, but there wasn't like a big, like, sending naked pictures thing back then. And I'm.

So the boys trade them like. Like baseball.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

And by the way, they are trafficking in child porn at that point. And everyone that they send it to, everyone that they move around is a new potential. What do they call it? Charge of child porn. They can go to jail for life. Messing around, the stupid sexting.

Oh, yeah. I have. I have guy friends who are just little juvenile delinquents from what they were doing when they were 12 or 13 as far as sending around pictures of girls. But it was all. It was all with, you know, the disposable cameras. No one was doing camera phones quite yet.

But it is, like, why have sex? I mean, that's what I'd like to think. Like, they should understand. Like, it's. It's pleasurable, it's gonna feel good, but, like, not. Don't feel pressure. I still think that's what hasn't changed in 30 years. Like a long time. That. That it's not that they're not realized. Women aren't realizing that it's not just for their pleasure. I thought it was all about their pleasure, too. I didn't have any pleasure with sex for, like, a really long time.

And when did it switch?

It switched. Like, I had a really good, like, in my, maybe mid-20s, a boyfriend that was, like, more like sexually open, and he kind of was more about my pleasure.

And that could happen at 21 or.

22 or 20, but then guys at 20 don't know. So I almost feel like, how do you.

Maybe we had to help him, A, select that guy or know when they're in that kind of relationship. B, how to set boundaries before then.

Right. And learn together. Because, again, it's.

I can't set boundaries now.

Boundaries are so hard.

Difficult.

Yeah. So.

Yeah, so that was a question that I had and another one that was about something you guys were talking about. About. About that disconnect between the, you know, women and their own sexuality and things like that. How do you recommend. Because masturbation, like you say, you know, I know as. At 26, after working here for two years. I know that masturbation helps you get in touch with your body, but, like, how would you explain that to a Younger to a younger girl. Just beyond, like, oh, you're gonna explore. Cause she doesn't know what she's doing around there. Like, if she has a clitoris, she's like, one is. What the hell is that? Like, I brushed up against it. It felt good. But she doesn't know the emotional attachment that comes with masturbating.

Explain. I've said. You've argued with me about this.

About what?

Madison's on my team.

I don't even know what I said.

Well, that you have to be in an emotional space for that sexual response to develop. And that's what's really hard. That's where this fantasy thing comes in. Or, you know, that's why women will be recommended to make a bath and.

Men are like, what, rose petals?

Right.

And it's because it's really an environment of intimacy. But your intimacy is with yourself.

Yeah, exactly. Because for a lot of women, you're not going to find that intimacy with a guy for, you know, a long time. Yeah. Quite some time.

Decades, possibly argued about this. I don't know if we just.

Well, I used to. We did a little bit. Wasn't bad. Yeah.

No, but may. I mean, I'm just thinking that. Yes, exactly. For women, it's like, first of all, we know that our brain, if our. If we're stressed about school, we've a lot. They say, like, millennials aren't having as much sex now. It's because maybe they're distracted, too. There's a lot of our things going on. Their phones there. Like, I tell them, turn off your phone. Get. You know. But it's just so hard.

But they were literally saying, it doesn't make sense to me. I get nothing out of it. It's because they can't get the. The place going where that's going to happen.

They're not like, I'm in bedroom.

Right. Because that's, again, a male. A male can do that, no problem.

Right. And that's why we're so different. That's why the female vag will never work. And I think about, like, the only time it's ever been, you know, even, like, they've tried to talk about this in America, was with Joycelyn Elders when Clinton appointed her surgeon general in, like, whatever, 1992 or whatever, and she was a surgeon general, and she said, I think that masturbation should be taught in schools. And she was fired.

Well, what did he know? He was having Monica Lewinsky with a cigar. He wasn't caring about women's pleasure.

That was not him. That was just sort of.

No, but what I'm saying is she was.

I knew Joycelyn very well.

Yeah, don't you. I mean, I thought that was.

She was awesome. She tremendously.

But fire like that didn't work.

That was a long time ago. All we saw as Americans was that little snippet of her talking about that this is a serious academic, professional pediatrician with, you know, tremendous credentials, eloquent and rich. She could have been a treasure for this country. And just because we didn't like the sort of topic we didn't like.

Master. We don't like. And people are thinking in schools you're going to teach it. So I get that it's complicated and I don't, I want to get to the point where we can teach women, you know, that it's something that's healthy and normal because they're not talking to.

Their elder scooter, just going to listen to sex with Emily.

That's all exactly 20 years ago. But I, you know, and you know, my thing around masturbation is that I, it didn't even occur to me. Like it never, I never thought like this could be interesting. Touch my body. I think I had a very stressful environment growing up and I, I didn't do it. I don't know if that's why. But then you hear from all these women who are, you know, we always talk about this like had an orgasm and they were taking a shower when they were 5 or riding a horse when they were 12. I'm like, I rode a horse. I did not have an orgasm.

I don't have snowflakes.

But it's like. But. Right, but still it's just like. And then even when that happens, they don't tell their parents. So they're having this, the orgasms in their hat, but they don't know what to do with all that.

Well, yeah, like I've been having orgasms since I was like 8 or 9, but I didn't know what it meant and it didn't mean anything to me. And then when it came time for actual hands on masturbation, it was like a missing piece. Like I just didn't get it. What was I supposed to be doing? What was the goal here? And it just kind of like it wasn't until I got older.

Nobody's really studying this properly. They really are not.

Yeah, I would love to have a.

Program that makes sense. Think about that. Just, just that.

Right?

Able to orgasm. But masturbation does not, does that equate with Orgasm.

Right.

It just feels.

It didn't even feel good. It was just like. It was like. It was like. No, like scientific experimentation. It was like self discovery, but in a way where I didn't know what I was doing. It's like you're just grasping in the dark. Like, I'm sure that's how plenty of guys feel when it comes to, like.

No.

Trying to. Trying to pleasure a woman. Not about their own. No, no, no, no. I used to babysit kids, like little boys tugging on their penises from a young age, being like, this is great. No, they get it. I did not get it. And that's why I'm like, how do you teach that?

We're trying.

We're trying.

Emily and I are going out on campus.

We're doing it. We are like, literally, this is it. We figured it out. See, this is.

Don't let us down.

Cool. Okay. Should we do one more email? I mean, I feel like we've been. Okay, so how about. We've got. Here we go. Hi, Emily. I've been in a relationship for a year with my boyfriend. He's 32 and somewhat inexperienced in bed. He's never performed oral sex before. He told me he doesn't want to because you get so wet, and I don't want that in my mouth. I told him when we started dating, I wouldn't give him blowjobs if he didn't go downhill. Good for her, Good for you. And he said that was fine. That wouldn't be a huge deal if he was able to satisfy me in other ways. But he basically kisses me for one minute before saying, are you ready? And then once he orgasms, he doesn't do anything to help me finish. In one year, I've orgasmed with him once using a toy in doggy style. I understand if he's more hesitant to try new things in bed, but I'm feeling so unsatisfied. We've talked about it a few times, and last time we discussed it, I told him we need to help me orgasm first and he can finish, but because he's so concerned with how wet I am, I'm scared he'll never go down to me. He's only touched my vagina with his fingers twice. I want him to understand I'm so wet because he is turning me on and I want to be with him. In your opinion, is there other ways to have great foreplay without oral so I can be satisfied and he doesn't have to do deal with something he feels uncomfortable doing?

She Cannot orgasm without oral. Does she say?

Yeah, she says that she's.

She needs oral. She's one of these mo. Like most women need some sort of direct thing to orgasm. That's oral sex. Typically.

You know, we used to remember when Mike Catherwood, our co host on Love.

I was going to say, where did he say all those men should go?

He said they're communists and they should be shot. That's what he said.

Men who won't perform oral.

Right. He feels like he. He's offended by that. He's like, deep. And, and I understand that feeling. I feel like, hey, man, that's, that's, that's your. I mean, come on now. Get it, get it together. Like you should now. But I wonder if she's squirting because maybe. Because some guys do get a little bit, like when they're squirting, they get a little bit overwhelmed by it.

No, he's touching curved potatoes.

No, no, but he said the, the wet is what bothers him. I wonder if that's a code for maybe it's really wet.

Let's. Let's address that. If that's, if that's the issue. You know, maybe have a code or a warning or some, you know, some towel handy. I mean, there's always a way to deal with this stuff, number one. Number two, if. If he is fearful of the vagina, which a lot of guys are.

Yeah.

You need to, like, tell him this is. This is a critical. This is important. This is not B.S. this is not. And you're entitled to go, hey, hey, no. And I like that you already refused to reciprocate with her oral sex, but it's got to be more than that. It's got to be like, look, honey, she has the keys to the castle. She can. She can insist on this and, and we can, you know, find something that's a little more comfortable for him or he can get used to it or whatever. But come on now, you're an adult.

He's an adult.

Let's get it together.

I couldn't be with a guy who. I've tried it, like, for like a minute. He, like, wasn't oral sex. It wasn't his thing. I don't know that you can teach men about. We teach women, though, how to love giving blowjobs. But how can you teach men to get over their own fears? The taste, whatever it is, that's not the guy you want to be with. I mean, good luck. I think this is. Is kind of a long road here, right?

It May not be. I mean, but you've got to really put some. Put some barriers down. Really insist.

Exactly.

You're entitled to insist, but you are.

But here's the thing, Lindsay. There's nothing wrong. She wants to know what oral other foreplay she can do for herself. She doesn't want to touch her, and he doesn't want to go down on her. No. So.

Well, you can get you all your toys and stuff.

You could use toys.

But then. Does mask still come around?

Maybe it's not really mask mask anymore, but we have flavored lube that's really good for that, for flavor loop system. Okay. There's a Joe. I'm gonna give you this Joe gelato. There's, like, caramel macchiato. Caramel macchiato. What is it? Chocolate mint. We're gonna give you, like, a whole bag of Joe. You're. No, you're gonna. You know I never steal you.

Wrong.

No.

Ever. This is.

All right. I know. We can hardly wait to get to my sex closet.

I know. Let's go.

Oh, we're gonna do a video after this. Drew's gonna go in shopping in my sex closet, which I'm so happy for you all to see. It's actually organized now. Okay, I think that's all we got time for. Drew.

Yeah. My wife is already at the restroom waiting for us. I just texted her.

What restaurant?

Oh, the one down the street here.

Okay, good. So we got to go eat. Thank you, Drew. Yeah, this was great. Everyone can find you drdew.com.

Listen to all the. Yeah, please go to the website is the main thing right now. And. And look for me. We're gonna got some new projects coming my way. I got some new stuff coming up.

Always do.

My wife's texting me. All good.

She said okay. Thank you for being here. I appreciate it. Thank you to producer Madison. Thank you, Eddie. Thank you, Jamie and Lori and my whole amazing team. And thanks, everyone, for listening. Listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

If there's something I have more of than toys, it's cosmetics. And it seems like I don't even use half of them. My makeup counter looks like. Well, you can probably guess, because I bet yours looks similar. Just when things seem totally out of control, the folks at Kopari asked me to try their line of multitasking beauty products. Kopari's products are made from 100% organic coconut oil. And unless you've been living under a rock, coconut oil is huge these days. Kopari's products are free of sulfates, silicones, GMOs, and parabens, none of which you want on your skin. I've been using Kopari's Balm scrub and body glow for a while now, and I love them. But my favorite is Kopari's organic coconut milk. Mmm. It's amazing. Melt is great for your skin no matter what you use it for. Bath oil, shaving oil, massage oil. And it's not just for your skin. Kopari coconut milk makes a nourishing hair mask because it's packed with vitamin E and proteins that keep hair long, strong, and shiny. And it smells amazing. In fact, I wore it to my office last week and everyone's like, mm, what smells so good? What smells so good? It's you. Yes, it was me. I smelled amazing because the meltdown. Oh, it's delicious. Thanks to Kopari, my skin and hair look amazing. And so does my counter. Sex with Emily listeners can now save 20% on Kopari products. Just go to koparibeauty.com Emily that's K-O-P A R I beauty.com Emilytoday you know what? I never get tired of talking about the Magic Wand. Seriously, it's like telling stories about your best friend. I actually think I have more stories about a magic wand than I do my best friend. The Magic Wand was part of my life long before it was part of the show. And now it's time to make it part of your life, too. For more than 30 years, the magic Wand has been the trusted toy that women around the world reach for first. In fact, check this. Time magazine just named the Magic Wand is one of the top 10 most influential gadgets of all time. We're talking next to the ipod and the calculator. Time magazine people. If that doesn't say it all, I don't know what will. The perfectly sized original magic wand delivers amazing power and control and is incredibly simple to use. Just plug in the six foot cord for uninterrupted pleasure. For more information on the Magic wand, visit magic wandoriginal.com today or click on the Magic Wand banner on my website.

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