Daddy Issues, Secret Hookups & Love Bombing With Violet Benson

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You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So today I'm joined by host of the podcast Too Tired to be Crazy Violet Benson about finding a partner who's actually right for you. Violet's been on a journey to find and figured out she wasn't gonna find someone good until she truly learned to love herself and stick around. Because I also take your calls and answering as many as I have time to get to on the show because.

You are a mirror of who you date. I'm exclusively dating my vibrator. And then leave all their insecurities outside the bedroom.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred instit. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

All right, for each show, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you all to do the same. So what do I mean by this? Well, when you're listening, think about what you want to get out of listening to this episode. How you think it could help you could be. Well, I keep dating people who I don't think are good for me and I want to choose better partners in the future. My intention for the show is to reframe the conversation around self love and body acceptance and how these positive, positive practices can not only help you in your life, but guide you toward healthier relationship choices. You know, I love reading and answering your questions and if you'd like me to answer one, you can message me on Instagram, which is Sex with Emily. Email me feedbackexwithemily.com as always, include your name, your age and how you listen to the show. Or just call into my SiriusXM show. It's Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific. You can call at 8894 stars or 888947 8277. If you don't have Sirius, no problem. If you want to try it out, sexwithemily.com sxm all right, enjoy the show.

So it's funny because got an email this morning that kind of set this off. What I wanted to talk about Dave 3053 in Louisiana. Dave said, I was wondering if real true relationships are still found in this day and age. I'm a 53 year old male, married twice. First I ended a divorce, the second, she died of cancer a week after my daughter was killed. I've had a relationship since. But the only thing is I can't find a woman that wants my love. I'm old fashioned. I still open doors for ladies. I even walk old ladies across the street. I've been told I love too much. I put too much in a relationship. I don't understand this. Isn't that the way you're supposed to be? Not in a controlling way or suffocate them, but be there for them, support them, respect them, love them. Am I the crazy one? What's wrong, wrong with everyone else, right? But it's like this notion that we have and again, this happens with work. This happens with partners like, oh, I'm just giving, giving, giving all the time. And I don't understand what's, what's wrong with everyone else. And what I was going to talk about was love bombing, which I think is a, an interesting concept. And love bombing can actually be often confused with a honeymoon phase. So basically love bombing is a form of emotional manipulation used to gain power over another person by showering them with what appears to be a lot of attention and a lot of affection. Love bombing is actually a tactic using cults. You feel so loved, you feel so accepted. It feels like the honeymoon, but you're like, oh my God, this person is my everything. They're showing you through gifts and Attention and love. You've never had so many compliments in your life. You've never had anybody who has made you feel so loved and so, so alive. You're like, I didn't even know this person existed right now. It can be mistaken to the honeymoon phase because you're like, well, that's what happened. My partner did all the things. But in the honeymoon phase, here's the difference. In the honeymoon phase, the desire is typically going to focus on, like, what you might want, right? Like what you're finding. Love. Just in a honeymoon phase, I'm going to think, oh, my partner really like these chocolates. I want to bring him these chocolates. Oh, my partner really likes movies. So I'm going to, you know, plan the movie night with their favorite director, right? I'm going to listen to what they want. They like hiking. I'm going to plan hikes. So the gestures are more thoughtful, right? They're like, I'm really thinking about this person. I want to please them. They're not just like empty gestures. They're not there just to impress the person. They're not used as a form of manipulation. So the reason why the love Bomber is doing all this attention, they're giving you all this attention, all this love is because they want recognition from you. They want you to say, like, oh, now they're going to give back to you. Oh, you're so amazing. You're the best partner I ever had. Now, the reason why they do this is because it's a sense of control. It's emotional manipulation on the narcissism spectrum. They want to create a dependency. They want you to feel like you can't live without them. They want you to idealize them. Honeymoon phase is about just like, oh, my God, this is new. Everything's great. We want to do all the things. Love bombing. They're giving you compliments all the time, which, again, I love a good compliment. But it's all the time to the point where it's like. And they're excessive. They're like, nobody is more beautiful than you. You are the most beautiful person. You're so amazing. You're so incredible. You're so smart. And it's usually pretty early on. It's like from the jump. But you're like, oh, God, I haven't felt this in a while. And this feels so amazing. They might also. Another sign you might be being in a love bomb relationship is they bombard you with gifts. So many gifts. And they also want to be acknowledged for their generosity. Sometimes they're extravagant. But what happens is eventually that could lead into control. What happens is they compliment you, they buy you gifts. The relationship feels so intense in the beginning, but then it switches, right? Kind of think of a cult. Like, why do people go in a culture? Like, what? Why would you go in there if you knew this? The thing about people who are master manipulators, like professionals, and I'm not saying that love bombers are walking around going, I'm going to go, love bomb. If all this stuff was conscious, we'd live in a much better place. Take a look at yourself. Self awareness is the sexiest thing somebody can say. In my past relationships, I did abc, and now I'm trying not to do that. But anyway, they change the rules. So you're, like, hooked, right? It's like a drug. They're like gifts and compliments and extravagance. And then all of a sudden, they start to pull back. It's not there anymore. But what they're replacing that with are tactics that are, you know, like, oh, you didn't call, or passive aggressive, or they're showing up at your house more often, or they're expecting things in return, and you're like, oh, I didn't know you wanted these things for me. You were just giving, giving, giving. But the problem is you get hooked to all the positivity, and then it flips. It goes hard and fast. Like, it's a fast bomb. It's literally a love bomb. You're like, oh, my God, this is so good. I'm just, oh, wow, wow, wow. I love all this love. But then they want something bright. No such thing as a free lunch. No such thing as a bunch of free love. And then what happens is they get the gifts and the attention, the compliments, and then that's replaced by, like, gaslighting or criticism. You start to doubt yourself. You're like, wasn't this so great? Didn't all these wonderful things. Am I insane? And they might even tell you you're lying. You're. You're wrong. You can't trust your recognition of things you don't know you don't know. They criticize you. They make you feel bad. So this is why it's so confusing. And this isn't just love bombing. This is unhealthy relationships because there's so many different ways to slice the toxic relationship. It could be narcissism. It could just be all gaslighting all the time. What a good time. We're just going to gaslight our way. It's where you feel like it's a bait and switch. You're like, I swear to God, I know I'm not crazy. I know we were both here and then now we've switched it. And then they start breadcrumbing you and giving you little compliments here and there. They do just enough to keep you hooked, but then it flips and it's more toxic. Right? You know, they get needy, they're upset with boundaries. They are encroaching on your personal space. Can be very challenging to be with someone like this. And you just, you know where to go with it. Because you're like, I attached to the love. I'm so attached to what I had. And then they switch, right? We got John, 37, in California. Hi, John. What's up? Tell me everything.

I was just looking for some advice. My wife, you know, she said that she wants me to initiate sex more often. But, you know, my wife has some medical issues and she troubles. You know, she says she's tired a lot and she has, like, suffers from headaches and, and body aches. And so, you know, I don't want to be selfish initiating sex all the time, you know, and so I was just looking for some advice on how to initiate sex, but I guess kind of not take her ailments for, you know, into consideration.

Yeah, I hear what you're saying. Okay, so here's my question. Is she usually the one initiating and she's asking you to initiate more right now or.

Well, yeah, she's usually the one that initiates.

I got it.

Because seems like to me, like, when I initiate, it's a bad time or so I initiate less unless I know for sure it's a good time. But just recently she said that she wanted me to initiate more. But, you know, even like, you know, just yesterday, you know, do I take that into consideration or do I just initiate that?

Yeah, I think you initiate. So how long have you guys been together, John?

We've been married for six years now.

So here's the thing. This is a really common. Okay, so in every relationship, John, I'm going to tell you this, there's usually the person that initiates and the person that doesn't initiate. And after a while, the person who's always initiating is like, I am done. I want to feel desired. I want someone else to. To initiate. So the reason why you don't is there's probably lots of reasons. She wasn't. She hasn't probably been in pain the whole time. It's because it's a new skill. So you haven't done it right. You haven't done it before. And I would go back to her and say, okay, babe, I'd like to initiate. Can you tell me what that looks like? You get to ask a clarifying question. You could say, can you tell me what initiation looks like to you and when? And then she might say, well, for example, when you get home from work, before you go up and, you know, whatever, take a shower or, you know, just ask, what. What the ideal. She might say, I want you to come in and grab me and kiss me. I want you to turn the music on and pour me a glass of wine. Sometimes we need more information of what it looks like. So I think that the. Oh, well, she has pain. She's saying to you, I want sex all the time. Initiate. And then, then it'll become a habit once you learn what she needs, and then you'll figure out what you need. And so that's all it is. That's why you're probably not doing it, because you haven't had to.

Yeah, well, I have. I've tried before in the past, and it's kind of been that same thing. It's like, oh, oh, my, my, my neck hurts. Oh, you know, oh, you know, I'm tired, can we do it later? Or, you know, or something like that, you know. So I think I kind of got discouraged a little bit and stopped initiating and kind of just let her, you know, kind of take the lead there.

I see.

And then now she's saying she wants me to shape. And she did say something like you said. She said, I mean, y. You know, she wants me to be more, I guess, aggressive, you know, when it comes to it. And I'm like, that's fine all day if you want to open up the floodgates. But.

Well, it also ping pongs in relationships. So if you were initiating early on. So here's another. I love that you're bringing this up. So maybe early on in your relationship you are always initiating. And here's the thing about rejection. It doesn't take many times for it to become a habit in your brain. Like, oh, God, I don't want to feel like, rejected again, so I'm just not going to try. And now you've got in the habit of waiting till it's safe because it doesn't feel good to initiate sex and someone rejects us. It just. Even if it's your wife, right? So now you're in this, like, I don't want to feel that Again, because that felt really bad. And so now you're in a new cycle, and she's saying, sure enough, I'm ready again. I want you to do it. So you could say, I'm confused. I want to be a great lover, great partner to you, but I want to make sure it's a time where you're not experiencing pain. So you just gotta, like, schedule and say, how's Saturday morning? Let's have sex. You know, work around your schedules, her pain. And so I just think you need a little bit more direction, because when then when you're, like, overthinking it, you're like, oh, should I do it now? But the phone ring. And so I think if you say, I'm really interested in that, I'd like to start initiating. What would be an ideal time for you? What does it look like when you say aggressive? Do you want me to throw you down on the bed? Do you want me to pull your hair? Do you want me to spank you? Like what? What does that look like to you? It's okay to ask. Sounds like you don't know.

Gotcha.

Okay.

All right, well, thank you very much. I appreciate it.

All right, yeah, Keep me posted. Let me know how it goes. John. All right, I'm gonna take a break, and then I'm gonna come back. Don't go anywhere.

Welcome back to Sex with Emily. Covering a lot, covering dating patterns. We're talking about sex. Also very excited, because my guest tonight is Violet Benson. So who is Violet Benson? If you don't know, you probably follow her Instagram account, Daddy Issues, which was, I guess she started in 2014, and it instantly became a success. She's also got a podcast called Too Tired to be Crazy, which airs every Thursday. Known for its self love and female empowerment. And she's just hilarious. And we met because actually I was on. And you can find her at Violet Benson and Daddy Issues on Instagram and all the places so I met. Hi, Violet. It's good to see you. I was just thinking, like, I met you because we. I was on your podcast, Too Tired to Be Crazy. And it was awesome because we got on. We just get along. We just vibe. But we started. It was, you know, we were talking about sex. You talk about sex a lot on your show. And we had some great conversations. I think it was like an hour and a half talking about. And you've been on this show, but it was a while ago, so every day is a new day. And so we. It was great because we really got to know Each other. We went there. And what I love is watching you evolve. We've all been evolving lately, but a lot of the things we talked about were about just kind of stuff about owning your body, knowing what feels good to you, and knowing how to ask for what you want. And I remember it was like one of the questions was like, what about my orgasm face? You've evolved so much since then, so you probably don't recall, but I was like, well, that's hot. If you even orgasm. And it was like. Then we kind of flipped it about you, about women. It became a lot more about women, and it was sort of a breakthrough moment for you that it's. We can. We are in charge of our pleasure. We're in charge of our orgasms. That's what's going to make us better lovers and enjoy sex more. And that's actually what's hot.

I agree. Because you helped me realize that I need to focus. Me and my female listeners, like, we need to focus more on what makes us come, because that actually is what makes the guy come. Like, the guy wants. The men, they want to see us. They want to see us orgasm. And I feel like, unfortunately, the way I grew up, I feel like I learned all my sex through porn. So watching porn, I learned it by seeing that, like, it's always about pleasing the man. And I feel like when you remember the first time you came on my podcast, you came twice.

Twice.

Like, literally, I came twice. You came twice with me, so. But you literally taught me when I was asking you the first time you came on my show, I was asking all these questions geared towards pleasing a man, and then you're just like, what about pleasing you? And I was just. Just like, but that is pleasing me. You're just like, seriously?

So how's it been going now? I mean, well, Covid, right? You're like, the only date I've had. We had a zoom date.

That's so boring, dude.

I know it's been rough. I mean, come on. It's Covid. Okay, but what's going on right now with you? Anything. Sexually, are you dating?

Well, sexually, I feel like I stopped having sex. I haven't had sex since April, and it's been by choice because I, like, first, you know, I feel like last year I was learning more about my body, my sexuality. And then I feel like this year with COVID I had no choice but to really look into myself and, like, my toxic behaviors and all those things. And I started to kind of also acknowledge the kind of men that I've been choosing because I started to feel like, am I dating the same guy just in different bodies? And I was. Because you are a mirror of who you date. And because I feel like I was maybe a little toxic or didn't love myself, I was choosing men who also didn't love themselves or were feeling low. So I feel like this year, suddenly it pivoted from sex to pivoting, like, working on loving myself. And once I grown and figure out how to love myself, which every day is a new journey, I've realized that, like, I don't even want to share my body and my energy and my time with every single guy. Like, I want to hold on to it. And I'm not saying, like, my vagina is so magical or something. I mean, probably. I'm kidding. No, it's not probably. Let's be honest. I'm kidding. It's not. But I just realized, like, I. It's not even about my vagina. Just, like, even giving my body now to somebody that I feel like doesn't deserve my time and energy anymore just doesn't seem right. And I feel like that's why I kind of been holding off on sleeping with anyone, Covid or not. I just wouldn't even do it right now because I just don't think everyone deserves my body and my energy and my time and my personality.

That's so wise. So let me ask you this question because it's fun you bring that up. We've been talking about that a lot lately, about toxic relationships and the past patterns. And I hear from people all ages, all different types of relationships, and we just don't. Sometimes we don't even see it. It takes years and years of dating the wrong person over and over and over again. So what was your sign? Like, what was the same guy in every body? What was the makeup of that guy that you're no longer gonna date?

Because this guy's my friend now, so I feel bad that he isn't the example. But it was this weird thing, like, we were dating. Remember that one guy that was like, he can't get his dick up and we never fuck.

Yes, yes, yes, I do.

So that guy and whatever, it's not his fault. I'm not here to shame body shame or anything like that because now people get really sensitive about stuff. That's not the case at all.

Right. It wasn't about his dick not getting up, but it was more about.

Yeah, we weren't talking, but it was. It was just about the type of person I picked. I picked him because he like my friends. Even at one point, my friends made me create a list of, like, the pros and cons. And the pros were like. It was like four or five things. Like, he's nice to me. He drives me around because I don't like to drive. He likes to watch movies with me. Like, cons. He's an ex drug addict. He doesn't have a job. He still lives at home. He can't get his dick up. He has a really tiny dick. We never fuck. He follows other girls on Instagram even though I told him. Hurts my feelings. My dad cried when I told him, we're dating. He's an ex coke addict. It was, like, such a list. And I kid you not, Emily, I wrote that list. And the next day, we were already broken up at this point. The next day, after writing that list, I text him an essay or why I think he's my person. And he told me, I think not. And I was like, all right. And that's when I was like, interesting, V, it's time to look in the mirror.

Oh, my God. Wait a minute. So you write this list, and it's so clearly like, your dad's crying. He lives at home. He's an ex drug addict. And you're like, this must mean love. So you wrote an essay. This is what people realize. We need to go through the wringer sometimes. We need to have something so horrific happen till we wake up and realize someone's not for us.

And he's a nice guy. It was just, why did I like him? Because I liked how it felt nice, the way he saw me through his eyes. Because the way you fall in love is the way other people see you. So the way he would look at me, like, on this pedestal, and he always felt like he wasn't good enough for me. And instead of hearing him, I was just like, wow, you think I'm so amazing? And it made me feel good about myself, because in that moment, I couldn't feel good about myself without that man's validation. And I didn't realize that yet until after. Thank God, you know, God blessed me and he rejected me again. And I was like, all right. And after that, I was like, it's time to start dating and move on. And I moved on. But after that, it was the weirdest thing, like, because it took me a second to get over him. That's why I was still trying to tell him, he's the one. And I couldn't understand why I was holding on to him. And I realized because he was this weird concept of all the past shitty men have dated. And he was like, that last person. And not to be very poetic, because I am. I feel like the reason took me second longer to get over him because I was holding myself back. Like, it was this moment where I didn't want to grow up. Like, I knew if I let him go, I had to enter a new chapter in my life. And I feel like I was holding onto him because I, like, was holding onto all my toxic self. And when I finally let him go, he was like, the last chapter in the book of me dating shitty men. And it was over. It ended. And when I finally closed that book, I feel like I felt free. And suddenly my perspective changed on what I deserve. And I think people get mixed up because they think when I'm, like, telling women to believe that they're a prize, people get upset that, like, men are great, too. Of course, when I. When you love somebody, that's your king. Treat them like your king. He's amazing. I'm talking about, like, first I need to love myself. I need to be the best version of myself in order to attract the best version for myself.

Exactly. Be the person you want to find, I always say. So what I love about what you're saying is, you know, so many of us have these patterns, and I do say, be the person you want to find, which is what you're saying. It's like, when we become the best versions of ourselves, Whatever was attractive before will no longer even will be. Like, what? Like, you literally turn the other way. But it feels like we are so stuck when we haven't done that inner journey yet. And in a way, this whole Covid thing has flattened everybody. Like, you can't do as much we. If we're just home, you have no choice, I guess you could continue toxic behaviors, or you're like, all right, something's got to change.

Exactly.

So it's always a process towards loving yourself. But that's done. Good work.

Yeah. And I was so stuck on constantly looking at my attachment style or having that, you know, my daddy issues with the fact that I have abandonment issues. And I was always so upset and sad and wanting to cry about the fact, like, why did they always leave? And then I realized, like, but what if I change my perspective? And it's. I'm the one that's leaving now because I know that I deserve better. So then it's Suddenly I feel like I even changed that in my brain about them. Abandonment issues. That it's like. Like people no longer leaving me. It's me leaving them because they don't deserve my time.

So it's like you flip the script, but then there might be somewhere in the middle where. Okay. Because abandonment issues I get. And I can relate because I, too, have abandonment issues. But sometimes what happens is you get really attached, then you think, I'm going to date different kinds of people. And then we put our walls up so you won't let them get as close. So you get to decide if you leave. So it's sort of.

Yeah.

Make sure we don't flip that script.

The wall stuff is hard.

So hard.

Like, even I was. I just recently went to Utah with a couple of friends, and it always makes me sad. I always get the same feedback, which I wish I could be better with. And the feedback that I always get is, V, you're such a sweet, amazing person, and you're so sweet, but I wish you didn't have to go to battle with every person and, like, with such high walls before they had to break it down, before they got to see the sweet person. Like, I wish everyone else could see how nice you really are. And, like, that always touches me. I feel like maybe you've said it to me, too.

I did. Last time we on our Zoom date. I don't like driving either. In fact, I like a guy who drives, too, I have to say. But we were talking, and what happened was, it was funny because we had this moment, and I think this is such a good thing to talk about. I now remember what it was. I was supposed to come over after the show, and it was like. I don't remember. I was like, I can't drive. I'm just tired. I FaceTimed you, and you're like, are you coming? I'm like, I want to. Cause I'm such a pleaser, too. I'm like, I want to, but if I could drive. And then you're like, don't come. Whatever. And then it was like this snap moment where you're like, I'm not gonna let you hurt me. You can't. And then I'm such a.

Like.

And then we got. It was this. How Might sound silly, but it's such a subtle moment. I was like, oh, my God, are you Matt? I'm not. And then we, like, flipped it. And then later on in the conversation, we were talking. I said, it's those moments. It's that. That moment where you feel like someone's gonna reject you, even though it was just Me coming over, and it was Friday coming, but you went, forget it. And it was like, this side of you that I. But I know you. I was like, are you mad? You're like, no. And then we got through and talked for two hours. So it's interesting. It's those kind of things in the moment. You're like, did I just put up a wall? Did I just set a nasty text? Because if I didn't know, I could have hung up and be like, she's mad. You know what I mean? It just sounds silly. But it's. It's that. It's that protective shield that's a habit from childhood from someone who left us from all those things. And so we just do that. We have repetitive behavior. So I think that's what it was. So I love that you went to Utah and your friend said that to you. We all have those things.

Like, I'm trying, but I remember that with you, I was like, don't come. Honestly, like, I generally don't care if you come or not, Emily. I'm over it. And I love that you were just like, I saw your face change, and then I felt a little awful because that's just a habit for me to just be like, whatever. To detach myself from the situation. And instead, we had a whole conversation and, like, about how we push people away.

And I do it, too. No, but I do it too. I've done that in relationships where I push people away by not being available. Like, I don't care. We can get together or not, but I do it in a nicer way. Like, you're more, I think, aggressive. You're like, fine, don't come over. Bam. I'm blocking your number. But I'll be like, well, maybe. And then I wish you. I cancel. And then I could do it. And then I. I don't fully commit either. And then people think I'm not interested. So I've really tried to work on that, too. So just letting people know, like, it's all fucking communication. That's why we say communication is a lubrication. The other thing about your. Your trip to Utah.

Yeah.

Was talking about your. How you learn to. To accept your body. And that's just a big issue. Like, learning how to. I remember what you were saying, like, about, like, how do you learn to. Because we get that from all of our listeners as well. How do we love our body in the face of being with somebody when there's. We all have stuff we don't. Like what happened to Utah? We haven't I don't know what happened. We haven't talked.

So basically I had this another realization because, you know, I'm working on loving myself, but, like, I can't help but still have those normal insecurities that other people, the other women have. We are so hard on ourselves, and sometimes we forget the things that we're so self conscious about. Men don't even notice. And you've told me that before. You know, men are just happy to be there. Like, when you're having sex with them. They're just so thankful they got invited to the party. Yeah.

He's like, I can't believe my mirror. He's not going, like, nipple bigger than her.

Right.

But right, like, she gained a pound. Like, no, they're psyched and you're hot. And when you're confident, like, that's what they see.

Exactly. Confidence is everything. And I feel like I got to see that firsthand because I went to Utah and the girls that I went to Utah with were all so much skinnier than me. Fine. Like, I'm not saying I'm fat or anything, but they were. You can tell they were much thinner than me. And some of them were also shorter than me. And I'm tall, so I'm just looking so much heavier. And first I was just like, wait, I'm gonna have to be in a bathing suit for like, four or five days around these girls, like, every day. And I kind of felt self conscious about myself and nervous. And then I was like, whatever, V. Like, just fake it. Just fake it till you believe it. And I was kind of faking it, you know, continue my confidence. And I kid you not, every guy there still wanted to get with me. I was probably, like, the first person they first noticed. And that told me that one A men will fuck almost anything then, and they'll fuck anything once they're drunk and then me. They love a woman of confidence. And the things that we get so insecure about, like, our body's like, oh, my hip goes out a little. Oh, I love a little of a fupa. Men don't even notice that.

So what are you doing? Yeah, you're right. You were just walking around, like, in.

A baiting suit the whole time on you.

Right? And it was hot and it was awesome. So that was the confidence. It's just letting those things go because the things that set us back is our thoughts. Like, you could have been like, oh, I'm worried. Put your sweatshirt on. No, you went out there. I love confidence.

I mean, it was like, 110 degrees out.

Wait, what were you gonna do? Don't go anywhere. We've got so much more to talk about after this break.

Well, this is your new thing. Can we talk about your Covid sex life?

I'm not having sex.

Okay. Per se.

I just forgot that I do have a new roommate joining me, and I have hooked up with her before, and people are making jokes like, so your girlfriend's moving in. You guys are not roommates. You're girlfriends. And I was like, no, we're not girlfriends, because, you know. But it seems like so far she's been dating other guys, and I guess in a way, she's the only girl I've been kissing, so I didn't even realize. I, like, forgot about it. So I guess technically I'm, like, in an exclusive relationship with somebody without realizing. No, I'm kidding. We're not exclusive at all.

Tell me about her. Was it your first?

No. When I went to Israel, there was a girl that I started talking to on vacation a few months ago. I don't like to categorize myself, but I would categorize myself as pansexual if I had to. Whoever I connect with is more like, for me, yeah, I don't have a type of. But then I was just. I feel bad I'm talking about her, but whatever, she'll be cool with it. But basically, I interviewed her. She's on the show. My friend Francesca. She's on a show called Too hot to Handle. So I met her by interviewing her for my podcast about her ex boyfriend. And when I interviewed her, I didn't think anything of it because I wasn't even sure if we vibe, but she told me that she already thought that there was a potential that we're gonna hook up. So apparently she knew. I didn't know yet.

And then you said it was Francesca from Too hot to handle your mom.

Francesca Farrago.

She's hot. So wait, so this was on Zoom, or was it in person?

In person, like, a week or two later, I was at my friend's house, and just a couple of my guy friends, and we went to dinner, and then we went back to my friend's house, and he was like, you should invite Francesca. She's so hot. And I was like, okay. And I invited Francesca for my guy friends, but then she was really hot. So then I was like, he does look good. And I don't know. Next thing I know, well, we all went into the pool, and I didn't want to wear bathing suits. I just went in, like, naked. And then we. I think she grabbed me because she's kind of aggressive. And she grabbed me and we started making out and I was down with it. And we're just like having like a full on, like, hot, like, make out session. I think I was kind of interested in some guy and then some of the guys were interested in her, and then I just forgot about it. So then I just cockblocked everyone. I just kept her to myself. And then we were just together for the rest of the night. And then I was super drunk and I was like. She told me she was looking for a new place and I was like, oh, just move in. And the next day when we're sober, she was just like, were you serious? And I was like, honestly? Yeah, it's cool. Just move in. So now she's gonna move in. And all my friends were like, are you sure?

I don't know this is a good idea. This just happened like a week ago.

No, because then we went on vacation together. We went to Utah together a few days ago.

She was part of Utah. Okay.

We were making out there too.

Oh, okay. So it's like a whole week long thing. Few weeks.

I like her as a person.

Okay.

I think with her moving in, like, we just have to set boundaries because, like, I just want to make sure that I'm. Fuck. I feel so bad about to say this part. Well, she was trying to have a threesome with me in Utah, but I wasn't interested because I'm just not trying to have anything enter me right now because I'm trying to be celibate, you know, for myself and to work on myself. So it's important for me to just steer clear from my private parts touching anyone except my own hands and vibrator. So, like, I didn't join on. Plus, I've never had a threesome before, so. But it's too impersonal for me. So she is moving in next month for three months. And hopefully we're not. Like, in order for us probably to have a good roommate relationship, we probably have to steer clear of, like, me being a part of a throuple.

You're just days away from a throuple.

She's just like, such a great kisser.

Violet. Okay, back up. Have you made out with her when you were not drunk, when you were sober? Have you had a sober makeout sesh with her yet?

I can't remember how many times we've kissed already. Probably. Maybe.

Okay, so you're having fun, which I like. I like that you're having fun. She's gonna be a cute.

We've seen each other naked. But like, I haven't touched her. But P U S Y her private.

I haven't touched her.

Petunia. She hasn't licked my taco. Didn't I teach you anything like my roommate? So who knows what's gonna happen?

I know. Maybe you'll be like sharing a bed. Like, who knows what could happen? What do you. Masturbation. Both. See, I think you have to do both. I mean, I don't have to, but it's a journey for both.

Oh, my God. My favorite vibrator.

Tell me is this one.

I need to look up the name. But it's basically like normally only use the masturbating vibrators that just vibrate on your clit. But this one goes inside of you too. And I don't mind because the thing that goes inside of you goes like this and then the thing that goes in your clitoris vibrates. And I tried it. And I kid you, maybe this is why I stopped having sex. It was the best orgasm of my life. And I orgasm from both places. And I was so shook.

It sounds like you were using a dual stimulation vibe which we like to call rabbit vibrator in the business.

Yes, I was using that. And there was that thing that was going like this in and out of my. What do you call that area? My vagina. My vagina. And then the. The stimulator on my clitoris was moving.

Yes, it was an internal and then we call it a rabbit vibe. So it was. Was going internally. So you had. What you're saying is you had a blended orgasm for the first time?

Yes.

Okay, so it was mind blowing.

It was so insane. I've never had that type of orgasm before that I literally was like, I don't think I could ever have sex again because this is the first time I've ever experienced this type of orgasm. It was insane. Like, I still think about it sometimes. Like, it was so crazy that that vibrate is my boyfriend.

Now that is amazing that you. Because, see, then this is what you're trying to do right now is that you are now learning. Like that can happen too. If you choose one day to allow a penis to enter you, you could still use a vibrator. Clitoris. This is my technical question. Did you have a clitoral orgasm first and then.

Oh, both at the same time.

Both at the same time. Okay, that's amazing. So you. They both came at the same time and that's why I love the vibrator we're talking about. That we vibe makes one called the Nova now. I wonder what it is. Was it one of the ones I gave you?

I think it's possible.

Yeah.

Actually, I. I'm so amazed by it. It's amazing. It's. We're dating now. I'm exclusively dating my vibrator.

Exclusively dating your vibrator? Violet, I love your life, the rabbit vibe. If you guys ever want to know, I can match you with your perfect vibe. I don't know that I got you this vibrator, but a rabbit vibe is cool because it's stimulating all those 8,000 nerve endings.

Yeah, well, at this point, I have, like, 10 vibrators, so it was just like all of them were not charged. So I finally grabbed that one new one and I tried it out and it was. Blew me away. I mean, literally. And I was like, we're together now.

And you're learning and growing and you're not going to be with assholes. Can we all just learn and grow now? But really, like, don't you think this has sort of leveled us? If people are like, it's no big deal. Just been home. Just my whole life has changed. This is time to do the deep, soulful work.

I think so, too. I started at my worst and I got into my best dad.

Well, you look great. I'm gonna ask you the five questions we ask all of our guests. Ready? Violet Benson, what's your biggest turn on confidence?

My biggest turn on, turn off lack of confidence.

What makes good sex?

Me. Coming.

Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

That sex is not love. And I need to remember that always.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

That it's about both of the partners enjoying themselves. And to not take it so seriously and to just have fun. And the fact that you were both vulnerable. So just as much as you feel insecure with your body, the person feels the same way. And they're not even thinking about anything you're insecure about. So I wish everyone could know to walk into the bedroom confident and then leave all their insecurities outside the bedroom.

Yes. I love this. You're all grown up. It's awesome.

Thanks to you.

Yeah, of course, girl. You're my girl. So. Okay, we have another minute here. So, daddy issues, we're going to talk about this for one second. So you've talked a lot about how you've evolved and grown and abandoned issues and that working on yourself is Love. What did you learn this week? What do you think you've done this week that's helped you? Like, what's our parting advice for people to love that we haven't covered?

Okay, here's a parting little parting saying that I've learned this week. A parting gift for me is that if there's one thing I can leave you with, it would be to remember that everyone is going through something, especially through these times right now. So to be kinder to other people, when you're kind to others, you. You release serotonin in your body and you feel happier, and you make other people feel happier, and then they're nicer to someone else. Because when you're holding on to all. Because I've seen people sometimes be mean to me on the Internet, and I just think, like, wow, I feel so bad for this person that's holding onto so much hate and so much anger in their heart that they have nothing else better to do than to, like, try to. To take it out on other people. If only they knew that if they just release some of that anger, whether they're crying and tell a friend how much better they would feel in their heart. Because it's kind of like when you carry a backpack and you keep putting books into the backpack. After a while, you can't carry it anymore. And it's the same thing when you hold on to all this anger and emotions and resentment, your heart, after a while, you can't hold it all in there, and you just have to let it go. And when you let it go, life just gets so much easier and better, and you wake up relieved and happier. And then you want to be happier to other people. And then all these little things that bother you before, you wouldn't care anymore because you're happy with yourself.

All right, that's it for today's episode. I'll see you on Tuesday. And thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe. Give us a review. You know, reviews help us. And also, if this show helped you in any way, you learn something right now, just send it to a partner, a friend, a lover. We all need to learn, right? We're all in this together. You can also find me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, and sign up for my newsletter. People tell me I give really good newsletter. Sign up at sex with emily.com and while you're there, we've got so many great blogs if you'd like to talk to me about your sex life, dating, relationships, just message me on Instagram, Instagram or call in to my SiriusXM show Monday through Friday 5 to 7pm Pacific. You can call me there. Triple 894-78277. Get a free 30 day trial at sexwithemily.comsxm Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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