Daddy Issues w/ Violet Benson

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Maybe instead of focusing so much on healing someone who didn't ask for my help, I try to heal that part of me. Because it's kind of funny. A lot of times when you look for specific and partners, your favorite thing about partner are things that exist inside of you that you don't realize that are there, whether good or bad.

Yeah. It's like a mirror of a mirror.

Yeah. How can I love that the most about this person but hate it the most about me?

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today I'm joined by Violet Benson, host of the new podcast Almost Adulting and creator of the wildly popular Instagram account that you probably already follow. Daddy issues. Over the last couple years, Violet's become well known for her reverent relationship and dating advice, and we've done a few shows together. But in this interview, Violet reveals why she stopped dating for now. What exactly a pick me girl is, and how attraction is not always dependent on on good looks. And because this is a sex show, after all, Violet shares some of her personal tips for avoiding potentially embarrassing moments in the bedroom. We cover a lot in this episode. You're going to love it. All right, Intentions with Emily for each episode, join me in setting intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do it. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of it? My intention is to give you some levity, to not take yourself so seriously, and to enjoy a conversation with my friend, Violet Benson. Because, listen, dating, sex, relationships, can we all just have a little bit more fun with it? Well, today you're going to be inspired.

To do just that.

Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, what to do when youn Partner says no to Trying New Things in the Bedroom, is up@sexemily.com Also, check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, just call my hotline, 559-talksex or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me sexwithemily.com askemily. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Oh, you can totally change your name if you want to remain anonymous. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

Creator of the hilarious and ever viral Instagram account Daddy Issues, Violet Benson is the host of the former Too Tired to Be Crazy podcast and the forthcoming Almost Adulting Coming soon. Find her on Twitter and Instagram daddyissues or yeletbenson on Instagram.

We've done a lot of interviews together. We've been together. We've talked a lot about sex and relationships and dating. So I texted you and I said, what do you want to talk about? Like, what's going on with Violet Benson? I haven't really seen you in person in two years, and you said to me, you're done with dating, number one.

I. I would like to take a break from dating men.

Okay. Would you like to date other people or just dating in general?

I think I want to take a quick break for a second from dating in general. Technically, I feel like I'm always dating, but I think I was. I'm constantly drawn to people that I know are not right for me or people that I'm looking for. Probably casual things with them. And then I get upset when they agree to the casual stuff. Then I'm kind of like, I mean, I wanted it, but why? Why do you want it?

Like, maybe you don't want the casual. So it sounds like, yeah, I think.

I secretly don't want the casual, but I also have a hard time being vulnerable and getting close.

It's like the anxious attachment style, which I am, too. Yes.

Yes, exactly. And I just think it's hard to.

Be open and to kind of say I might want something more, because what if they don't?

A, it's hard to find someone you can connect with. I struggle with that. B, I'm very busy. And C, and this has been recently a convers that I have with my mother. It didn't work out between me and some guy, which it was never even that serious. But to be honest, I kept him at arm's length. But maybe that's also me blaming myself, like, he wasn't my person.

How'd you know he wasn't your person?

I mean, I knew I, like, literally was planning it to be very casual with this person. I kind of said it up front. I think sometimes I say stupid stuff just to see people's reactions. And I think sometimes I just build up a wall around me, and then I just assume people break it down. And they don't. And I think, like, I'll say things, and then I get surprised when those other people pull away because it's like, well, they're human beings. So obviously, if I'm like, I don't look at you as someone I can date, or you're this and that, then what do you expect they're gonna.

That's kind of your pattern. If, you know, you. You throw things out there that are.

Yeah. To see the reactions or how people will handle it. And then when they start to go along with. Exactly. Because men are very simple. We forget. So when they start to go along with what you decided, then I can get upset, like, well, this and that, and I don't know.

Tell us a little about your mom.

This is really good. So basically the other night, I started to feel sad. And I have a hard time admitting when I'm sad, but my mom has told me that I need to be better with communicating. And I've been working on it. So I called my mom, and I was just like, it didn't work out with this guy. And she was so happy because she did not like him for me anyway. Not to mention I kept it very casual. I kept it in arm's leg, but he decided to go out with someone else. And then he told me about it out of respect. Basically. I didn't even really like him, so it was silly that I even cared But I was just like, fuck. Like, mom, I just feel like I'm so good at everything else. Like, I'm so good at figuring out business, getting all these degrees, like, buying this home on my own, like, how can I do everything else? And it's like, no matter what I do, like, I feel like I always fail at love. And I feel so embarrassed. And she was just like, don't feel embarrassed. But she said, can I tell you something about you getting offended? I said, sure. And she goes, you constantly have a thing where you pretend to be someone else all the time. And if you constantly pretend to be someone else all the time, then you can be upset when you feel like nobody knows who you are. Because that is my biggest problem. Sometimes I feel like, oh, people don't get me and all that.

And I was just like, oh, you're so right. Like, that makes so much sense. And I do have a hard time where I constantly pretend to be perfect, whether it's with guys. Like, oh, what is this guy like? Oh, he likes a girl. That's. As much as I try not to be a pick me girl, it's my daddy issues. Like, oh, he likes a girl into music, suddenly I'm so into music. Or, oh, he likes a girl that's funny and quirky, suddenly I'm funny and quirky. And my mom was like, like, you know how you are around me and dad. Sometimes you're just like yourself and your dorky. Or even when you're feeling sad right now or when you fail, like, she's like, that's more you. And I think people don't see that side of you. So sometimes it's probably hard for some people to date you or to be around you because it's like, this person is so perfect and like, everything she does is a success. And like, she holds herself to such a high regard, it's almost hard to compare to it or whatever. And I was like, you're so right. But I also do that on my podcast too. Like, I can come off overly cocky because I want everyone else to be confident. And I don't always feel confident, but I know that if I keep pretending that I'll eventually feel confident.

So what are you afraid of? These guys see you in a certain way. Like, does it feel like you won't be lovable?

No. Like, I do love myself. I do find myself very lovable. I think I just have a hard time, like, showing the other side of me. It's not even on purpose. And I think I discussed in one of my solo episodes this month, I tried to explain it because I do try to better dissect and understand it. And I think it has to do with my whole growing up, I felt invisible and not the cool girl, not the pretty girl. And it took me a long time to kind of get into my looks and get into my confidence, and now I'm finally there, like, I'm the confident person. So I think I have a hard time to act more vulnerable because it makes me feel like I'm going back to, you know, that girl who felt invisible, and I don't.

So you're equating sort of vulnerability in dating with the girl that didn't feel hot growing up?

Yeah, the girl that felt invisible, which I know it's all in your head, because I recall a while back, I went out with this guy who I grew up with, and I told him how when we were growing up, I felt like him and his friends never noticed me, and I was so invisible, and he was just like, we did notice you. Like, V, that's in your head. Like, that's how you felt. And I completely agree because I think a lot of the time, it doesn't matter how you look, how much you work out, or the diet you're on. If you don't feel good about yourself when you enter a room, then no one else is gonna notice you. When you walk into a room and you're confident, then everyone notices you. And I've learned that. That's why I try so hard to constantly be this person, and I'm not always that person.

So here's the thing. What I love that you're saying is that you work you. Such great proof here to show that there has been so many ways that you've had success and you didn't know all about business, but you had to, like, you had to make it happen. I won't say fake it till you make it, but you had to, like, work really hard. You worked really hard to be confident and to walk into the room and have all this success. And so now if I you that actually being real and vulnerable in a relationship is a practice. So maybe let this show and this new turn. You're almost adulting. Part of that, I think, for you is going to be like, it's okay to say that this is, like, the turning point. Like, you're not going to date the guys who you know on the first. Like, this guy that you're ending. You're like, I knew he wasn't the one. Let's say that that doesn't happen again. Maybe it'll happen another one or two times, but maybe you're looking for the guys that you can say to them, this is new to me. Like, this is something I'm practicing right now. I'm all these things. I'm hot, Violet. I'm confident. This is my home. I bought it. I've got this business. I'm really good at all these things. But relationships is my new edge. Relationships is my new thing. I actually want to be vulnerable, and I want to commit, and I want to be in it. But I'm going to learn. And so I might run away, I might not call you back. I might say things that might turn you off right away. But I'd like you to check in with me and say, when you said that yesterday, did you really. Now, this takes maturity in a man.

I think so, too, because, I mean, if. Who's gonna stick around if you just have a whole, like, layout? Okay, so on Mondays, sometimes I get a little scared, and you may not hear from me between two to five business days. On Tuesdays, I'm a little quirky, so that's the best time for you to call me. Wednesdays, though, not the best. So maybe wait a few hours. Wait till evening, time to contact me. Thursdays are best. To go out with me, those nights are.

And, like, I would love that to me, I would sign up for this, right then I won't fuck around calling you on a Monday and a Tuesday and wondering why you don't call me. This is the thing. We have all the answers. It's like the Violet Benson operations manual. And if you could share that with someone and say, as soon as I wake up in the morning, I do that with my partner now, too. And I'm like, I might say this, but I don't really mean it. If I say to you, I always calm back. I'm like, listen, last night, when I'm. All the time I'm doing this, last night when I said I didn't really want to come over, it was more like, I wasn't sure that you really needed me to come over or you wanted me to go. Like, I fucking do that. And it's hot.

That's so true. There's so many times I'm like, or even the partner I was with, they would suddenly get up to leave, and I'm like, oh, okay. Did you want to go? And they're like, no, I just assumed because you said, I have work after this. I just assumed that was my cue. To leave. And I'm like, no, I just meant I have work in a couple of hours, but we can still hang out. And he's like, oh, okay, sorry. And it's like, we always forget how easy miscommunication is.

So easy. And then most of it's with text or messaging and it's all off. So I think that the practice is just saying, like, this is gonna happen. It might not be that open. I might not be as clear, but I want you to check me on these things. You could say that on the first date. I think that we are trained to think that we're supposed to be perfect and any of that would be awkward or weird. But if you do something, the guy's like, well, that's weird. I don't want to. What if I want to talk to you on a Monday, not your guy? Because you will find the people that'll be like, oh, I'm so relieved to.

Know that it's hard for me to show that side. But also, last year when I was doing my Too Tired to be Crazy podcast, it was so focused on dating relationships and I was reading so many self help books, so many dating books, so many relation books, like watching so many TED Talks nonstop because I wanted to be knowledgeable enough to give the dating advice. So I started to feel like a walking dating textbook. And it got even harder for me to date. And I was also so drained and exhausted from it. I think that's another reason why suddenly I felt like I had to be this perfect person when it came to dating to because all I did was give advice about it. And that's one of the reasons I suddenly, towards the end of last year, I decided to take a break from the podcast and change the whole structure of my podcast right now. Because I knew that for my own sanity and mental health, I just can't do dating every day because then I struggle. But it's also hard, I think when you do what we do for a living. A lot of times people don't realize that. It's just like the way there are actors on TV who are playing a role. We are characters as much as we're real. I am in control of what I put out into the world. And I'm a control freak. So there's a specific character of me. Most people see only one side of me. Unless they dig in and listen to my podcast or see all my sides, they'll see my vulnerable sides. But the point is that with the lifetimes I've noticed, sometimes it's Hard to date men because they have an idea of me. And sometimes they get scared that the men who go out with me, they're going out with me because they want to go out with the idea of me, the version of me, the daddy issue girl that they have in their head versus who I really am. So sometimes I meet someone, even friends, and I'm kind of like, which version of me did you fall in love with that I need to be right now?

I think it's all being all of these things. And I think that we're all all of these things. I think right now this is what we're talking about is it's sort of a theme that you're going to show up in all the ways to be yourself. You're going to be vulnerable and open like you are with your parents when your parents are right, like how you are with them and that quirky self. Is that how you're going to be in all the ways you have close friends? Like we're all like that. Like it's all really hard. I think we all go up and down and, and listen, I can relate to you. People think they're going to have sex with me and it's going to be like they're going to walk in and there's going to be like the Sibyn set up, all the toys are going to be charged. There's going to be like handcuffs and things and swinging for the rafters. And it's not always like that. And sometimes I don't even want sex. Sometimes I can have orgasms. I don't want orgasms. I don't feel like giving them a blowjob. I don't want to get naked. We have a sex with. I don't like, I'm not. I know what to do and I know how to communicate it. But it doesn't mean that I always want sex. And that's like every sex is always great. But what makes sex great is that I'm real about it. I think with partners now. And I've learned this. I went through the same journey as you where I was like, I have to always be on and I have to always be performing and I have to wear the matching underwear. So I was like, you know, I just don't feel like having sex tonight. And I feel like the best sex I'm having now is when it's just like so fucking real. First of all, no one wants to date anyone who thinks they're a know it all. And the thing about sex and about dating is it's like an art. And I could help anyone with sex. I could talk to anyone for two minutes and tell them exactly what they need to do with the next step. But personally, like, I also see that sex and dating is complicated. It changes in relationships. It's really about being real and being vulnerable and being honest and being able to communicate what is happening with you in the moment and showing that full spectrum of who you are, which is where I think you're getting right now, which I love. This hard reset for you with almost adulting because a huge part of adulting is learning how to communicate your needs and being real and being honest. And so I love this for you. Have you been in a relationship, a longer term relationship, or with somebody that you feel like that was sort of close? Are we just sort of starting blank slate right now?

I think all my past relationships were in my 20s and one of them being on offer seven, eight years. And that was very toxic because I don't like change. I stayed in it for so long and then I did try to date as I've gotten older, but I keep growing as a person. So I think every time I keep growing as a person, I enter a new chapter and suddenly even the people I like are different. But I have said before that I've never been physically attracted to people. That's not how I'm attracted to people. So that's what's really hard for me. It's more about people's quote unquote vibe and personality and aura and things like that. That's usually what I'm drawn to. So I do find it sometimes harder for me because it's not like I can sit on dating apps in general and just swipe because I don't. I'm not attracted to anyone. I can say when someone's handsome, but I'm not attracted to them.

Yeah, super common. To get sabo sexual, you're attracted to their mind, their brain. You need to have a connection with someone. Yeah, I think that's maturity too.

Yeah. So sometimes I think it's harder for me to find that connection. And then sometimes I've noticed that if there's those people that you're so drawn to that automatically you're both like, and I was with the last guy, it was just like, oh, this is not going to end well because it's too intense, like you feel too much. And both parties have no idea how to handle something like that.

It also would be helpful to say, I don't know if you've done this before, but I've done this where I said, I'm taking dating off the table. I'm not even dating for six months. I was like, Q4. This was like, last year. It was like, Q1, I think. And I was like, I'm not even gonna date. And it's a huge relief to say, like, I'm actually not dating. I'm taking off the table. I'm just gonna focus on my business, my friends, my mental health, my physical health.

Okay. I want to do that. I'm taking dating off the table.

Take it off the table. I used to call it a manatorium. I do it every few years.

I decided also, I think before, I was okay with entertaining guys that I'm not interested in or guys that I know I'm not actually gonna date. Just the texting, all that. Now I'm just like. I am. I think at the point where I'm taking dating off the table, where, dude, I know this is not gonna go anywhere. Why am I even wasting my time or giving attention? I'm good. So I kind of backed off.

So I think that would be good for you.

Like, I think, like, just, like, what if you're not swiping, you're not looking? And then you can spend time cultivating your friendships or working on whatever else it is that you want to do besides work. What do you do besides work that fills you up?

Well, I love puzzles. I do have a bad habit where I started to get into watching a lot of tv, which is really bad from the pandemic. I picked that up. So I try not to do that. I like to play chess.

You're such a. You're so in your head. You're such a. Like, analytical, like. Yeah, right. Well, you were also an accountant.

Yeah. People get mixed up, though. You don't have to be good at math to be an accountant.

But you're analytical. You're very linear.

Yeah. I mean, even right now, I'm so in my head as I'm answering these questions. I'm just like, am I acting too perfect right now? Like, should I calm down?

No. You actually have already cried.

Okay.

And talked about being vulnerable. No, I think that you're being real. I'm like. I can't help it, because I want Now I want to, like, nurture you, and I want to, like, shake it up for you. I want you to take the pressure.

Off yourself, because I'm so tired of it all. I'm also tired of constantly blaming myself when things don't work out. So that Because I have such a hard time ever being the victim or playing, quote unquote, the victim or feeling sorry for myself, even though that's okay. That I constantly blame myself where things don't work out. Because I always said I'd rather be the villain than the victim. So I always act like, well, it's because I didn't want this. Well, because. Versus admitting, like, oh, no, this person rejected me, or this person didn't actually want to date me, or this person, they like someone else over me instead. It's kind of. I make it in my head like, well, it's because I said this.

It's so black and white.

Because I didn't want it. It's because of me. And so I'm like, I'm done blaming myself for everything. I'm kind of over that. So it's everyone else's fault.

It's like you're shedding all your masks right now. I feel like you're shedding all the defense mechanisms. That's part of adulting. We're gonna go back to your theme. It's like, letting go of all the things that we hold up to make us be a certain way. So all of the structure that you put in place, like, it's their fault or. Or you made the choice, or you're in charge.

You're in charge.

And now just saying, like, no, maybe. Maybe I was hurt, maybe I was sad. Maybe I made a mistake.

Exactly. And also learning how to be better, letting go. I definitely hold on to things longer because I don't, like, change.

When do you feel the most violent?

Well, when I'm alone or when I'm with my parents, of course, with my mom, because I feel really, like, relaxed. Or when I don't have makeup on. And when I fall on accident or mess things up or just when I'm alone, I make jokes with myself.

I've been looking a lot lately about trauma, because we've all had trauma growing up, right? Big T, small T. Could be like, you didn't get picked for the soccer team in fourth grade. Or like, your parents got divorced. It could be a lot of things. When those things happen, we tend to, like, constrict and we tend to stop our get shallow breathing, and we tend to shut down. And so I'm really into, like, learning ways to calm my nervous system. Like, we breathe before here, you know, we took a few minutes and we breathe in that. But I thought that was really helpful. Or go to, like, a infrared sauna or a steam shower. Do you have any of that here? Heat elements.

I put really hot water.

That's good.

Does that, does that feel good? Does that calm you?

If I really need to calm down, I do do breathing exercises with myself, or I just lay down, close my eyes or. I have noticed when I've talked to a therapist before about it, is that, let's say, okay, here's a good example. When you feel anxious about something. For example, a long, long time ago, when I first got my driver license, I had so much anxiety to get behind the wheel and to get on the freeway to drive in general, but mainly on the freeway, it gave me so much anxiety that I thought I could never drive again. And I thought my anxiety came from driving, but that's not where my anxiety came from. Because if you dissect that and you look back, it's because I'm a control freak. And the reason I had so much anxiety driving was because when I got on the freeway, I have no control over every single car that's around me. But it was crazy because once I went backwards and I so kind of like the trauma that you said you figure out, like, oh, so I'm not anxious because I'm scared to drive. I'm anxious because I'm a control freak. Once you kind of dissect that and you realize where it's coming from, then you're like.

Okay, I just figured out the problem. If that's the only reason, and now I know that I don't have control over the road, then I'm okay to drive. And then I was able to start driving.

When did you first feel like a control fake? Do you remember the first time that you thought that you lost control?

If I were a therapist or as a therapist said to me before, it obviously all starts as a child when you don't get the attention or whatever is happening in the home and you start to feel. As a child, I felt like I had to be there for myself. So I think that's where it came, the control issues. But I don't hold anything that happened to me as a child, quote unquote, childhood trauma, I do work through, but I don't hold it in a way to be like, well, the reason I torched your car is my childhood trauma. Oh, yeah. So the reason I mentioned the car thing is that usually when I'm anxious is I feel overwhelmed with work stuff. So then I'll sit down and I kind of. If I write out what I actually have to do, then. And I just start with one thing because you're overwhelmed. I have so much work to do. Okay, so just open one email. So then if I just do one thing or if I'm overwhelmed now, no matter how much I don't want to talk about my feelings or things like that, I'll call my mother and I'll just converse and. Or someone that works for me. And then if I just talk about things and you say things out loud, suddenly they're not exactly.

They're less threat or you journal. I think having friends or have people you can trust, that's what it's all about. You can find this in a partner. Like, you can find somebody that you can call when you're having a rough day and you can call when you're feeling emotional. And I guess that's what I'm thinking about you with finding a future part or man is like, you haven't seen it yet because you haven't been attracted to those guys or they haven't come your way or you haven't been the new Violet that you are today. But you will find somebody. I know this. And that's what will continue to be attractive to you, is the people that you're going to be like 100% yourself. You'll turn to them, they'll be your best friend, but you'll want to have sex with them.

Yeah, that's the goal.

We're going to take a quick break, but stick around after work. From our sponsors.

I'm back with more.

Violet Benson.

A few weeks ago you tweeted, kind of wild how I'm not physically attracted to anyone these days. No one's doing it for me anymore.

I'm not attracted to people physically. It's more about who they are as a person for me to get to know them.

What qualities are attractive to you now and a partner?

I love somebody that's very driven, that's very passionate about their job. I love someone that has a good heart and is a good person. I love someone that doesn't talk too much because I'm such a talker. So they're kind of quiet, mysterious. And I love someone that has a good sense of humor. That's we're able to banter off of each other. And I like someone that. Not like a strong presence, I would say, but someone that.

People respect.

The guy on the YouTube, when he said to write them, I love, he said, you have to start, which I'm really bad at. But he said you have to start living your life but imagining that the partner is already next to you. So Then when you're already playing that role that you already have that partner, then when they actually come into your life, that nothing changed because they've already been there. So they just replace. So in your mind, let's say if you wake up and let's say he's like. He said, let's say you go. You take a walk every day. Imagine your head that you're taking a walk with your partner. There's the person right next to you. Like, look at them sometimes with the smile, like, whatever it is. Or like, so it's like. Or when you wake up, if you like to cuddle in the morning, imagine somebody holding you, making you feel safe in the morning. So then when eventually, when that partner comes in, it's like nothing changes. It's not like you went from being alone with someone else. It's they've been there and now it's just they finally, you know, it's coming to life.

It's a full somatic experience meeting in your body, embodied, so they say. Also, like, set up your environment for it too. So having one night stand, have two nightstands, making sure that your room, if you want someone to come over, there's a space for them. You know, there's half a closet space. People get into your physical space being set up for that gym.

Somebody I went on a date with was so ready to be married that, like the first date, we didn't have that connection. I wasn't interested in him yet, but he was so ready that without realizing, he created a false intimacy with us by being overly touched in all that. And I thought it was. It made me uncomfortable and I thought, was he trying to get sexual, whatever. But it wasn't that he was just so ready to be in the mindset of having a wife that he, on the first day was already ready to just pretend like we're in on the seventh day to whatever. But then I found out from people that work for him and that he is so ready that even in his closet, he keeps half of his closet empty in order to prepare it for his future wife.

So. But he wasn't someone you were into because it seemed like it was too much. So what are the red flags people should never ignore when dating someone?

I think one big red flag that I'm starting to notice is when I'm really into somebody really fast or they're.

Really into you really fast. So it's kind of like me and that guy, we both love bombing when.

We talk to her our flags. He was just like, normally If I'm, like, insanely attracted to somebody, right off the bat, I'm like, oh, it's a red flag. And I looked at him and I was like, oh. He's like, yeah. And I was like, oh, I think I'm like that, too. And we're like, oh, really?

Being too physically attracted to someone is that.

Or just.

I think if it escalates really quickly, and then you spend every day together, just.

It's harder when you get older. And this is a really sad truth to say, but a while back, one of my really good friends, he was never looking for a partner. And then one day he found her, and it just worked out. And then we've been friends for over 10 years. So, like, I literally know him so well. And then one day he met this girl, and I guess things change. And suddenly he proposed. And I said, wow, that's so crazy. You never believe in marriage. What changed? And he goes, well, honestly, I'm not into marriage, but she is, and I didn't want to lose her. And I figured, eventually I'll probably want to marry her anyway. Why not now? And I said, well, what's so different about her? And he goes, and this is messed up. So I'm going to be as transparent as possible. He said, she's so young that she's not jaded. So she's not like. I think sometimes it was hard to date older women because he's in his mid-30s. He said, it's hard to. It was harder to date older women, like, even in their 30s, because they've been so jaded and heartbroken. All this. And it's like, that. So many walls up, and it was just like, before we even start to date, I already have to prove that I'm not this or not that. And then dating early, a girl in her early 20s, it was easy because there's so many things I get to teach her. And she looks at me like I'm so smart. And she's not jaded because she didn't have her heart broken before. So just easy. And I was like, ouch. But also, that's easy, but easy.

But to me, I just see that as being like someone who doesn't really want to do. I don't know, I guess I've just done so much work that it's like, you're dating someone in their 20s who hasn't really lived enough life. They haven't walked as many years on.

The ground, but that's what worked for him.

I'm not going to for him, but.

That'S what works for him.

I'm not judging him, but I'm just saying. You're saying that made you. That's. It felt like an ouch. And to me, it's like you were like, this evolving woman who's now in her 30s who's learned so much. Like, would you want to go back and date you at 22?

Oh, no.

So I'm saying, like, I don't see that as an ouch.

I see that it's like, okay, like.

He'S kind of going to stay in that place. So what about for you, though? What's different between dating in your 30s and your 20s? For you?

I think the difference between dating in your 20s and your 30s, when you're in your 20s. Like, my first boyfriend, we slept together. It was like, oh, we're together. Like, that's it. We're gonna be. And he was like, what? I'm like, are you my boyfriend? Like, when I lost my Virginia, I remember this after high school, by the way. I was like, are you my boyfriend? He was like, well, no, we're just. I'm like, wait, you were inside of me? You're my boyfriend? We're gonna be together for at least two years. And he was like, oh, okay. We were. He was a Gemini. He's very chill. But the point is that I think when you're in your 20s, everything is easier and lighter, and you're just always so. It's kind of like he said, but it's. You're always so in love. And the minute you sleep together, your boyfriend, girlfriend, doesn't matter, because time doesn't matter.

You're like, I have three years to spend. I could spend two years in a relationship right now. What does it matter?

Literally? That's why a lot of older men love dating girls in their early 20s, because time doesn't matter.

It doesn't.

Like, you're changing every year. You're constantly a different person, and you're always believing, like, that could be the one. Whatever. I can date this person for three years. It doesn't matter. But then when you're in your 30s, I think it kind of is like, are you my person? Are you not? And it's also, I have a schedule. I already know how I like my life. Can you fit into the schedule? And that's the hard part. When you're in your 30s, people in general like, do I want to change my schedule for this person? So here's my theory.

Or you get you more set in your ways. Yeah.

Here's my theory about men. I know I'm correct. I've noticed this about men. The reason it's harder to date now, day and age. Here's my theory about guys and how a girl ends up being their girlfriend. Guys are so not into being chivalrous anymore and into all that stuff because of how easy everything comes and goes. And you swipe, oh, it didn't work out. That's cool. I'm just gonna get on app and swipe right and left. And then I've noticed my girlfriends have been in relationship is because they're around. That's my theory. Girls who are just around. So let's say a guy playing video games all day and you're just hanging around and they keep noticing, oh, she's still there. You're in the same friend group, that means you're around. You work at the same company. So he sees you at work every day, so you're around. It's convenient. I've noticed nowadays it seems that when it comes to people being together, it comes out of convenience for men instead of putting in the effort. It's like, I have a friend, she was sleeping with a guy every weekend. He would not call her for the whole week. And then on the weekend he would just be like, hey, come over right now. And she will. Like two seconds. Yeah. After two, three months, eventually you got used to her and you're just like, okay, let's hang out during the week. Or he started calling during the week and she would pick up and now they're boyfriend and girlfriend. And then he just changed his job to move to New York and she moved with him. So where did it come from? Convenience? I swear, I don't know what it is, but there's something about convenience and comfort. Even guys now that try to talk to me. That's why I've given up. It's like a guy texted me at 11:00am Come over. And I was just like, it's like 11:00am I'm like, I have work to do. I will be available in two hours. After I said that, I didn't hear from him until like 9pm and then he was just like, oh, sorry, I was on my phone all day, blah, blah. And he's like, so did you end up going to the city like you said you would? And I was like, yep. Like, even the guy was seeing, he'd be like, what are you up to? And I'd be like, well, I'm doing this and this. And then two hours later, I'd be Like, hey, sorry, I was busy. What are you doing later? And he's like, well, I already have plans. Okay, so you want to hang out right now? Maybe.

What we're also saying is we just want the struggle. We don't want to be jumping through all these hoops. We don't want it to be a hassle. We want to know if someone's into it, you're into it. But I don't think we roll over and you just drop everything, because that's not attractive either. I mean, for some guys, it is attractive. For someone who drops everything, that's what the guys. It's a personality type.

It seems like that's what some of the guys are looking for. Like, are you free right now? Oh, in two hours? No, I have plans.

So I like the theory.

I think you get to decide what it is for you. And I think when you really like someone, we all make ourselves more available and we make it more convenient. I have a question for you. You said that you don't you try not to be a pick me girl. What does that mean for you to be a pick me girl?

When I use the term pick me girl, it's more.

And in myself to view myself. It's more me trying to be whoever the guy wants me to be instead of just being truthful with myself. So when I was younger with my daddy issues, I was in the relationship on offer, seven, eight years with my ex. And no matter how long we were together for, in the periods we were together for, every day, my legs, my whole body is shaped every single day.

Because you said he wanted that and you thought that's what people wanted.

Yes.

I would just want to constantly be perfect for this person. It was like my need to be loved. Even though obviously the person I picked, I was never enough for them. Hands daddy issues until you love yourself, blah, blah.

So that's blah, blah, blah. Love yourself.

That's kind of the term. But I think now people throw that around. They call anything you do. Like, you try to look good on camera, you make a. Like I, I said the other day, I love men. And I was like, oh, such a pick me vibe. Because I said something nice about men.

Like, come on, you can say nice things about men, but talk to me about the daddy issues really quickly. Like, how does that manifest with your dating?

I noticed actually that my dad issues manifest in the way now where I tend to date guys with daddy issues. I like, made a list to understand what was similar between all the men I dated. And suddenly I looked and it was like, daddy issues. Daddy issues, Daddy. And I was like, holy hell.

Wow. Like, they were, like, not enough. Their dad never supported them. They couldn't do.

I think maybe I started dating men that I felt like I could save. I would look for, quote, unquote, broken guys or guys with daddy issues. And there were parts of them that I thought were so beautiful. And there were the parts of the daddy issues or the feeling like they're not enough. And that was a part of me that wanted to nurture it and to take care of it. And finally, I had to kind of take a step back and be like, oh, I actually have this part in me hands. Daddy issues. But I hate that part about myself. So it's kind of interesting that I want to nurture and heal this part about this person, but I won't do the same with me. So it's kind of like, maybe instead of focusing so much on healing someone who didn't ask for my help, I try to heal that part of me. Because it's kind of funny. A lot of times when you look for specific things in partners, your favorite thing about partner are things that exist inside of you that you don't realize that are there, whether good or bad.

Yeah. It's like a mirror.

Yeah. How can I love that the most about this person but hate it the most about me when it's the same trait?

It's very insightful. How do we do that? No, it is fascinating. So I think it is true that people are often in mirror. Often we're attracted to things that we want in ourselves that we covet or that things that we don't love about ourselves and ultimately just means that we need to learn to heal these parts of ourselves that we feel are so broken and shameful and hidden, like, bringing them out there. And I feel like you're doing that slowly. You're putting it all out there, which. Yeah, I love this about you. Now, we decided that you're gonna take a break from dating, right? A little bit. Yes. So I want to know, like, what you're gonna do now. Cause I think some tips for it is, like, you love making lists or intentions or kind of thinking ahead, like, doing some things more for yourself. Maybe it's an extra night that you're doing something with friends or doing something for yourself or another therapy session. Like, I feel like I do need.

To leave my house more often. The pandemic, especially as a person who's more antisocial, it has made me get very used to being home A lot. It's very hard for me to leave my house. And I would say that's a bad habit that I've created. So then a lot of times, if I feel alone or lonely, it's like, yeah, well, I isolate myself all the time. So I think I'm okay with not focusing on dating, which I haven't been anyway. And instead of focusing on kind of leaving my house more often, doing something fun, because a lot of time I'm like, well, what's the point? Like, even my friend was like, do you want to go to dinner? And I was just like, why would I put on makeup, get in the car, get in traffic to get to a location where there's people there, and then you have to be around people, and then you have to sit down, you have to order, and, like, you can't. I can't even eat the way I want to eat because. And then I have to take the leftovers, and then again, try. And then people again. Then traffic to get home. Then you get home, you remove your makeup, and it's a lot like, why wouldn't I just order food in my house? It's so much easier. And he's like, yeah, but it's the atmosphere, being outside. And I'm like, I don't understand.

Well, the pandemic made it a lot harder for us to leave our house.

Literally.

Yeah. Why would you make up the whole thing leaving? But maybe. Maybe one. But you probably feel good once you go.

Yeah, a lot of time. I mean, the other day I went with my agent. It was for work, but still. To a comedy show. Oh, that's fun. Stand up this year.

Nice.

Yeah, thanks.

Did you laugh?

You know, it's weird. I don't laugh as much, but I think it's because I constantly am thinking of jokes. I think it's different for people who kind of do.

I think you'd be great at that.

Yeah, I would love to. I can't wait. But that was kind of cool to be out of the house, to be in an environment, you know, so maybe more of that.

You had a theory on queefs.

Okay. So obviously, I feel like now you have to have disclaimers on everything. Disclaimer. There's nothing wrong with queefing. It's part of the human body. It's cool if you're into it. As a girl that has daddy issues and grew up with need to be perfect, I did, growing up, come up with a way to not queef. And it's basically because I don't care for the sound, it ruins it for me. Like, I literally dry up when I hear it. It's always us caring more than the guy cares. The guy doesn't care. He's so excited to just be invited to the vagina party or the anal party. Like, he doesn't care. Or the mouth party, the boobies party. He's just excited that he's there. But it's for the girls. If we get bothered and I get bothered and I feel weird. So the way I've learned is that when I'm switching sides because the air just gets in your hole, it's air. Yeah. I put. I take a finger, I put it inside my vajayjay, and I push and I. When I push, when there's a finger inside your vajayjay, when you push, it doesn't make a noise and the air comes out by itself. And I do it really quickly when I'm switching positions. Like, we're like, okay, let's switch. And I just put it in and then we switch and it's tight again and there's no air in there and we're all good. And there's no queefing.

Finger it. All right, but no shaven queeving.

Yeah. If you push, if you put the air out, that's how you keep queef. It'll make a noise if you put your finger in there. That's how you don't. It's actually also, if you have. If you have gas and you don't want anyone to hear, you can actually put your finger up your butthole really quick and it won't make a noise. I can't promise it won't smell. So be careful.

It's a good workaround. But also, we don't. We shouldn't care.

We don't.

We don't care.

You could queef and fly, but if you know who you are as a person and for you, it bothers you.

Anything bothers you, then you can try this at home. Okay. Right, real quick. I want to ask you the five questions we ask all our guests. Are the quickie questions ready?

Okay.

Biggest turn on.

Passionate.

Biggest turn off.

Talks a lot.

What makes good sex?

Them going down on me.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

That you shouldn't feel self conscious about your vagina and your private parts and queefy and all that stuff is completely normal and that they're just excited to be there. And you should feel more confident about yourself when you're having sex and not focus too much on pleasing the guy.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

That everyone gets vulnerable when they're naked and it's completely normal and that it's a natural thing and just to have fun.

Thank you so much for being here. Violet.

Thank you so much for having me. Find me on my personal Instagram, Viola Benson, Daddy issues, my Meme account, and also almost adulting, my Instagram and my podcast which is on every Tuesday and every other Thursday. Make sure to tune in for my episode with Emily on my podcast next week.

Great.

Bye Bye.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Exwithemily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about.

Your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbacksexwithemily.com.

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