Date Like You Mean It with Rachael O'Brien

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You'Re listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com, you can have an awesome time on our website because we've got such great content there. If I do say so myself, I'm not writing all the content. We've got amazing bloggers and sex experts and just regular people like all of us writing about their dating, relationships, sex experiences, reviewing toys. You guys are loving it all up. So if you do like one of the posts and you're happy with it, feel free to share with a friend. We love that. You can also easily follow us on all social media. Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter. We do it all. It's echever with Emily and you know, it's a good time. We even are doing a lot of Instagram lives during the show. So people can, like, ask questions, we can interact. You can see all the fun things happening. We give away toys, you know, all the other great reasons to follow people on social media. Just to waste your life away. Exactly. Kidding. It's good for you. It is fun.

It's good escapism. I like looking at that stuff.

In moderation. Yeah, in moderation. So we learn how to still interact with people. But you're right, I found myself dozing. I fall asleep with my phone sometimes, like nuzzled next to me on my pillow.

Oh, totally.

Sweet.

Yeah, Sometimes I've dropped my phone on my face before when I'm laying in bed, like on looking at things and I'm like, well, and then I hit me in the head and I should probably stop now.

Yeah, Right. Then it's time. Right when you lose your mobility. Well, that's my guest. Hi. Hi. Hi. Rachel o'. Brien. I'm excited that you're here. She's comedian.

Yes. Stand up comedian.

Stand up comedian. And funny. Like a successful working comedian. Not just like, I told some jokes, but she's like a successful comedian. She's got a successful podcast. Since you're all in the podcast world, check it out. It's called Be here for a while and it's in the top podcast comedy chart. So congratulations on that. It is not easy. There's a lot of podcasters, things happening in that world today. And she does stand up. And she's also on Bravo's hit TV show Vanderpump Rules as a side note. Yeah, she's got a lot of stuff going on.

I'm like a good background character on that show. Yeah, yeah.

But that was Like a choice for you, right?

Yeah, no, it was a choice. Yeah.

How did you. Did you. Were they like, oh, okay, let's back up with your story. So you moved here from Oregon?

Astoria, Oregon. It's a small town. You would not know it unless you've seen the Goonies. That's the town.

Okay. Have you seen it? I did Kindergarten Cop.

Okay.

There's a few.

There's a few movies that were filming.

Got it.

It's all we have. Well, I went to college in Eugene at University of Oregon, and then I moved here and then. Yeah. And I started doing Vanderpump Rules a few years after I lived here.

But were you doing comedy? Like, you were like, I. That's my thing, comedy.

I moved here originally just to be an actor, and then I hated waiting for people to tell me yes. Like, I just didn't like not having my job in, like, my own hands. And so then I went to screenwriting school at ucla. I got a grad degree in that. And I learned quickly, I like to write comedies. And so then I wanted to get on stage and test out the jokes that I was writing and all that. And then that's when I got hooked on stand up.

You were hooked?

Yeah. And then, yeah, it got under my skin and I wanted to do it for the rest of.

It happens that they sound. It's like. It's like a drug. Right. Like, all my comedian friends are like, I was hooked. That was it.

It's a weird feeling. You feel like you can't live without it or something. Like you feel anxious not doing it. But there's some people that like, get on stage, they do it, they're like, okay, that was cool. And then they're okay not doing it again or not doing it for a few months. But if you really get the feeling of like, I don't want to not do this, you're probably meant to be a stand up.

Right? So what is that feeling? Like, what is that? How did you know was the first time you were up there, were you like, o? I just liked it.

I don't know. I liked getting the laughs. I liked creating something.

Right. It's your own from your brain validation, people connecting with you.

Yeah. And I liked connecting with the audience. A lot of my stuff is self deprecating and I feel like I liked making people feel comfortable about their own stories by telling embarrassing stuff that's happened to me.

Right. Like, you really probably don't have a lot of secrets or there's things that you think I could Never say that. And then you say it, and it's probably very freeing.

Yeah.

That's embarrassing. You're like, oh, no. But other people are gonna feel this way.

Yeah.

Do you test your material with friends first, or you just go up on stage and you're like, I. This is funny.

My dude on stage. Usually there's a lot of times that I don't even have a plan. Like, I'll have, like, a few ideas, and then I'll go to, like, I won't do it, like, on a big show. Like, a big show that I'm performing with. Like. Like, the last one I did that was big was, like, with Judd Apatow, David Spade, and, like, cool people that.

I just wanted to.

Yeah. And I just really wanted to impress them. So I'm gonna do my A material. But if I want, like, a smaller show, I will just test random stuff out. I won't even have a plan. I'll just kind of, like, maybe have an idea.

Right.

And usually that's how you kind of come up with new bits.

I want to just know your process real quick. Do you write down jokes? Do you talk into your phone? How do you do it?

I write down ideas, and then I go on stage and I'll remember the way I said it. Usually I'll record it, but I oftentimes don't listen to it.

Right. I do that, too. I've got, like, a whole thing, recordings.

But it's just like. It's painful to listen to yourself back, though. It's like, oh, God, I'm embarrassing.

What's it like being a female comic in la?

It's good. I used to not be bitter about it. I feel like I'm a little bitter recently, and I hoped not to stay that way, but I felt really grateful because I think a lot of times, you know, there'll be a lineup and they have to have a woman on it. So it's almost like an incentive to put a woman on the show. But at the same time, there's often times where, like, it's hard to get spots. It's hard as a woman. I don't.

I don't know why I feel like my favorite comics are like, I love women. Funny. We're funny. We're out there. So you think that it's more like, is it who you know?

It is a lot of who you know. That doesn't go as far as you would think, because it can also be like, you think, like, okay, you. It's who you know, like, unless they Truly are your friend, and they're not trying to maybe hook up with you or something.

It's who you know, if. If they're truly your friend. I guess that's helpful because then. Yeah. Because a lot of comedy is someone bringing you on the road or booking you on a show. It's not really the comedy clubs that book you. It's more outside bookers and people that. Yeah. That kind of bring you up.

Can we talk about that for a minute? Because with everything going on right now in the world with, like, all these sexual harassment cases, and I'm just wondering, like, what you just said, and I've been talking about this a little bit on the show, and there's gonna be a lot more to unpack over the next lifetime, a few months. But I feel like that way too. Like, I. When I started working, it was always like, with men, for example, like, I used to work in politics, actually. But I don't think it matters where you work.

But there was these. That sounds like a tough industry, though.

Yeah, right. Oh, it's so tough. There is this. Well, do you want to sleep with me? Well, they probably do. It's a man. They want to sleep with you. But I know that I'll still have to take this lunch or do this thing, and I'm not going to sleep with them. It was kind of like that price of doing business.

Totally get that.

Is that how you felt? Like, you just.

I do with everything in the entertainment industry, I feel that way where it's like, not even just with comedy, with just meetings with people. It's like, well, you want to believe them, that they're just, like, interested in you for. And half the time, it's like, even if someone makes a pass at you, it's like, I save a very hard time with trying to figure out if, like, is it creepy or bad that they're doing or are they just taking a shot because they're like every other human that just exactly wants to.

Men and women connect. It doesn't seem like you're a beautiful woman. Like, men are going to want to sleep with you. It doesn't mean that that's nice as a compliment, but we can still do business together and put that aside.

Totally.

Right.

I've always been good at having, like, friends in the industry that don't do that.

That's good.

But sometimes it happens. But you don't want to hate on them for. They just, you know, they took a shot.

They drunk. Usually don't use those guy friends. Like, your best Friends. But when you're drunk, you want to.

Yeah. You're like. Yeah.

You kiss them. Yeah, that wasn't good. That's why we're friends. Are you dating now? What. What do you think about dating in la?

I've been single for like a year. I've always had boyfriends up until this year. And so I've been single for a full year now. I'm so impressed because normally I always in like long term relationships, that's healthy. But I'm forcing myself to be single.

Good for you.

And it's fun. Yeah, I like. Yeah, you're meeting a lot of cool people.

Are you like, are you kind of like hooking up with people or you're just not in a relationship?

I'm dating. I feel like I don't get past the point of like two or three dates. It's like, okay, it's like fun, but I feel like I don't really get to know anyone.

First of all, how do you meet them? Are you using the apps?

Yeah, well, I use. Not supposed to say the name of it, but my friend got like kicked off of it by mentioning it.

Okay, I've heard about that one. Yeah, yeah, but you just so much. Like, recommend you to be on it.

Yeah, but you're like not supposed to talk about it.

Can we talk about after? And you can recommend me maybe. Okay, so. So you go in there and you've met some. It's a celebrity app. Should we not talk about it?

Okay, well, no, but it's a combination of. It's like, I guess their angle is that it's supposed to be like creative types, but there's a mixture of like anywhere from photographers to celebrities to creative execs. I don't know. It's, it's a, it's a combination of.

So you go on the app. So that's how you mostly meet people. Yeah, and I meet people out because.

I don't do anything other than comedy and I don't really want to date a comic. So you don't.

Why don't you want to get date a comic?

Because then I, if it doesn't work out, then I have to see them in my, in the workplace.

Right. That's bad. We all hang out together. Like, are you all like. Do you feel like you're tormented? Like I'm a tormented artist, but I'm not comic. I feel like comics have this certain breed of like, more neuroses or more.

Oh, yeah, no, yeah, we're crazy. I'm, I'm more Normal than most seem.

Like, totally normal. Yeah.

But, I mean, I have to be a little weird to be doing it. Yeah.

So you don't want any other comics. So it's mostly online.

Although I think two comics could date.

They could, right?

I think it could be healthy because. But then maybe you'd be in competition. I don't know.

Right. That's so awkward. If you're with someone, I would hate it to be competitive with someone. That would be tough. But hopefully you'd rise.

Are you single?

I am single, yeah. I mean, I'm always dating.

Yeah.

Yeah. Never been in.

Where are you meeting people? I want to learn how to meet people. Not on an app.

I know I'm meeting people, like, in real life. I know. It's not that I even go out. That I've gone to some conferences lately and I've met some people I go to. Just out with friends, out to dinner.

But how does someone approach you when you're at, like, a table at dinner?

I don't know. I just talk to people, I guess. But there hasn't been, to be honest. So just like you said, you took a year off. I've taken about a year off. Seriously. A year and a half maybe now. And I always had a boyfriend. I was always in, like, a serial monogamist. And I thought, and this is the advice that I give everybody, and I hadn't actually done it for this long as successfully. And it's so true that when you break up with someone, it's the perfect time to really be alone with yourself. And, like, who am I without a partner in my life? Like, what do I. Like what do I want? It's fun just to kind of date casually, to see, like, what you're into, what you're not. Because otherwise, if you're going from one to the next, we have no time to heal in between. We tend to heal our past relationship in our current one. So the last guy was, like, a narcissistic business guy who had no time for you, whatever, abusive. The next guy's gonna be like, all about you. And the pendulum swings. And then you're like, oh, this guy's more about me. And then you're like, oh, but he's got all these other problems. So I feel like when you get the space, step back and you can.

Really think about it.

Yeah, but I made people. Friends fix me up.

That seems like a good way.

That's a really good way.

But then is it awkward if you don't end up liking them? And then you have to, like, be around the friends, and then you're embarrassed if, like, something didn't go right.

I feel like. I feel like you get over it. I feel like it's great to go tell all your friends that you're single. Like, not like, hey, guess what? Calling them, like, I'm single. But when you're out with them, you don't. Might not think to tell them. But if you see this extra line, like, I'm not dating. And if you know anyone, let me know. Because in that moment, they might not be able to think about it, but that night, the next day, they could be like, oh, I've got someone for you. It kind of works. And you don't need a million dates. Yeah. And I think it's kind of like the whole.

I feel like I mentioned to my friends all the time and no one set me up. I don't know. Maybe they're just like, rachel's not for.

They're jealous anyway. No, that's not true. Okay. Also, saying yes to stuff that you wouldn't normally do.

Yeah.

That's, like, one of my best pieces of advice. That always works because I'm very extroverted. I do like going out, but I just so love my alone time, too. Like, when people cancel. Like, my plans canceled tonight. I got so excited. I was, like, really excited to see my friend, but I'm like, I wish.

My mom would cancel tonight. I have a dating app date tonight. I'm sure he's nice. I just am not.

No, no.

It's a whole mood right now.

Right.

But I'll figure it out. I'll drink enough that I'm gonna enjoy it.

Do you think? Okay, so what I was gonna finish my. One thing is that you say yes to all those weird imitations that you wouldn't normally go to. That was my tip. Like, you just like, okay, I'm gonna go to this barbecue even if I don't want to. Okay, back to this. How can you tell? Can you tell right away? Like, walking in this restaurant tonight? How much do you know about this guy ahead of time?

Not much, really. I did cold call him, which I think is, like, a little creepy for people because it's normally, like, via text. And then I was like, I. Like, we forgot to respond to his texts, and I could tell he was getting insecure about it. And, like. And then I just forgot. And so I called him, and his voice sounded pleasant, so at least there's that. I don't know.

You can't tell. Taste him. Right? Do you think you know right away. Like, when you walk in, are you going to be like, no, I'm someone.

That someone can grow on me.

Same.

Yeah.

More like that.

Yeah, someone can grow on me. Because you never really know. Well, because we're not as visual as men. Like, like, I think a guy can be like, I don't like the what's happening. Like, looks wise. And then they can, like, write someone off. But someone could grow on me even if they're not perfect. Looks wise.

So true. Not about that. Like, if we connect, are you smart? Like, being, like, a sapiosexual?

Yeah. What does that mean?

It means, like, if you're attracted to someone's mind. Okay.

I've been wondering what that meant.

It's a good word, right? Like, oh, is it some kind of weird kinky thing?

But it just means you're into someone's mind.

I'm like, I'm more attracted to. I've always been that way. I've never been like, the guy with the high. I remember, like, in fourth grade, my friends had pictures of, like, they would send these things of, like, all these posters and catalog pictures of guys they had crushes on and they loved, and they'd be like, I love this guy. With fourth grade, I was like, I've never in my life been attracted to someone just because of. Yeah.

And I'm all set on brain. I don't need the abs.

If you're spending more time at the gym than me. Like, that's on.

I don't. I don't need that at all. It kind of bugs me a little bit. Or maybe it's just because I've never had abs, but I just. I don't need someone to, like, be perfect. Like, I don't need all that.

It's pressure. Yeah, I think that's good. You can rule out the abs. Can you say that in the apps? Like, no abs, please. Yeah, no smokers, no abs.

Yeah, no smokers. No abs. I don't need a shirtless photo on any photo that you post online.

Can we tell this is a public service announcements? Men, let's talk about. I don't. I don't want to see a shirtless photo. I only want to see a tank. Yeah. Tank top tank. Like, with your muscles. I just don't. Guys do not know filters. And it's sweet because they. I'm glad that they don't know as many filters, but they always have their earbuds on with that phone facing them, like, in a weird. They take the selfie And. Or they're at the gym pumping on you.

And it's so intense. When girls take selfies, it is intense. I can acknowledge it. But when guys do it, it's just kind of like. It makes me uncomfy a bit.

Yeah, I know. I'm like, swipe if I see your body. Which is. But here's the other thing. I don't want it. I don't also want to discourage there's men, because there probably are some women who would prefer to see what the body. I think there's a way to trick.

It, though, where it's like, it doesn't look so obvious. You're not, like, in the photo, like, lifting up your shirt, showing your abs somehow. Do something athletic, maybe in a photo so that we can kind of see it, but it's not totally spelled out.

Kind of like the side boob, but. Yeah, right. The male equivalent of the male side boob. Maybe a side absolute.

I'm encouraging manipulation a little bit, but.

I think, yeah, it's good to see it, but not so obvious that you, like, were pumping and you love yourself more than I could ever could. You said that with the texting, that this guy started getting a little bit weird about the texting or you were taking too long. So let's talk about texting and all this stuff, because I just. Sometimes I'm rushed. Right. Again, I'm not. I'm a good. You know, funny can be quippy, but sometimes, especially when you're juggling people or you're totally. I'm just like, Sometimes we just want to write.

Ha.

Right.

Or. Yeah. What time? Like, what's the plan?

I have time to be.

Yeah, I'll meet you in person and we'll figure it out then.

But even after, though, then that's. You meet him and you like them. It's a whole thing thinking about, you know, I don't know, do you play rules? Do you have rules around texting? Not rules, but, like, where you won't text back or double text.

When I was first single, I was obsessed with reading all these, like, dating blog things. And I was like, I'm gonna follow these, and then someone will love me. And then I sort of realized that just be yourself, I think eventually works out fine. You can only withstand that for so long. Like, the trying so hard. It's almost like people that go on, like, really extreme diets. They're like, I'm Paleo. And it's like, okay, cool. You're gonna do that for two months, and then you're not gonna be able to withstand that. Because it's not fun, right?

Exactly. So not fun. Just be yourself.

Yeah. So I was very intense about following rules, and I kind of gave up on it.

All right. I think.

I don't know if it's just because I gave up, but, yeah, like my.

Friend, yeah, I didn't even know about these. I know about them, but I would never think to follow them. And my friend was like, took my phone one day. This was years ago. But she's like, look at all. Like, look how much he wrote. And look how much you wrote with all your words and all the texting. And I'm like, what is it? I understand maybe it could be a little much, but I've got a lot to say. I talk a lot, so I don't know.

I don't know. I think you'll know if you're being too much. I think someone will, like, I don't just be you. I feel like the right person will. Unless you're being a total psycho, which I'm sure you're not. I'm saying any of us. I think you'll know if it's too much, you can read it. If, like, the person isn't into it, it's fine.

What would be, like, a deal breaker? Is there anything a guy could do? Or has this happened where he texted you or you met him and you're like, nope, this will never work.

I don't like laziness. Oh, I don't know why that bothers me so much.

Lazy. Like, they don't have a job or lazy. They come over and watch Netflix for three days.

If I can just figure it out on, like, the first date. That they're just, like, lackadaisical with their work ethic or something. I don't know. That bothers me.

No, I get it. You want someone who's driven. It makes total sense.

I don't need them to be loade, but I would prefer someone driven on a path. Yeah, yeah.

No, like, if they're still trying to figure it out or they're not sure. I mean, it's okay to still figure it out, but they're motivated to figure it out. That makes sense. Okay, so what about in this single period you have now? Are you having sex? Are you fooling around? Are you?

Yeah, I. I was more active again with the first few months of being single, and now not quite as much.

Okay.

Maybe I just got bored. Just.

I don't know. What do you do? Friends?

I mean, I still go on Dates, but, like, it just doesn't progress past.

Oh, yeah. What do you think that is? Is it you not wanting the third date or they don't want the third date? Both.

It depends on the. I've had. I've had many different scenarios. There's been many situations where the guy's been more into me than I've been into them. And there's been many situations where I'm more into the person or something weird happens and I. Yeah, yeah, that always happens. Yeah.

Right. Like, do you have rules around that? Like, would you sleep with someone when you first met them?

I don't think there should be a rule on that one. I think it can go both ways because I think girls think like, okay, you know, you should hold out because then they'll eventually like you more. But then there's also many cases where people have slept together on the first date and ended up together. I think. I think it depends on what your intention is. I think if your intention is to hold out to get them to like you, if it's like almost a manipulative tactic, that's not going to work. But if you truly are just holding out because that's just who you are.

Right.

I think they'll appreciate that and that's fine. But also, if you feel like doing it on the first date, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Typically. Yeah, I. I agree that if you are really feeling it and you're in your right mind, you're maybe not too drunk because that's. Sometimes we make bad choices around sex. That. Why not wait? Like, to me, that attraction, the arousal, that newness of meeting someone is so exciting. Like, if it's getting hot and you want, like, just wait a little bit. See if I actually like you. And it's not just these.

So you think. You think people should wait?

I think that if you can wait, you can handle it. Why not wait? Why not stretch this out? Because so many women will report that. And I think men too, that. That the teasing and the newness and the arousal and the initial attractions. Oxygen is the hottest part. Than like, sure, having sex right away. Cause you can't help it is great. But why not, like, see, there's chemistry. And like, I'll say next week, why not wait? Like, who's ever like, oh, I wish I didn't wait? And here's the other thing that's been frustrating me lately. I've hear from women who are like, if I slept with them, we'd probably still be together. Or they're like, afraid not to to sleep with guys because they think that that's like their duty or their job. A lot of women, but some women.

I don't think you're gonna lose someone by not sleeping with them. I guess you risk more maybe by sleeping with them too soon than you do. Because, like, who, Who's. I don't know.

They're like, oh, well, I thought maybe he thinks that I'm prudent. I don't know. This is just.

I guess it depends on the intention though.

Understand your body when you're writing all that stuff. I want to shout out to my amazing sponsors and I have a great story about one.

So what about food? Are you meeting him for a drink or for dinner? I kind of want to come. It's not a plan. I just want to watch. Yeah. Feeling.

Feel free.

What do you do, Drinks or dinner?

Normally you say drinks like on the first date, but like he chose Javier's as a place to go. That's a new Mexican place at Century City Mall. And so that sounds like dinner. It doesn't sound like a drinks thing, but I don't know.

I mean, they'll be hungry.

Yeah, I mean, I love a free meal.

Well, because you assume he's going to pay, which he probably should. Probably. I don't know.

But I'm happy to pay myself.

But I get it. That's good. I hope you love it.

Now he's going to listen to this podcast at some point and be like, wow, she just wanted a free meal. I now I sound like a dick.

No, but women, okay. Not everyone wants a free meal, but we go into it like, I think it's a way of talking yourself. So we're like, okay, I don't want to put. I have too high of expectations.

Yeah.

Worst comes to worse, I had a good meal.

Yeah.

I met someone new.

Yeah.

Are you ultimately looking for like a long term relationship where you want like kids and family and stuff like that?

I don't think about it that often, but I have really normal parents that have been married and I'd like something like that.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right. I think you should have that. We have emails from the listeners. I want you to help me answer that. But first I'm going to ask you some quickie questions. Ready? What's your biggest turn on Jesus balls?

Calm, confidence and drive.

Biggest turn off laziness. See, we already covered a lot of it. Craziest place you've gotten busy.

Gotta think about this. There's gotta be a Good one. Somewhere. I don't. Come on, Rachel, have a memory. How much vodka have you drank in your life that you can't remember this? I don't.

I.

Maybe not too crazy. It's gotta be somewhere cool, but I don't know. I can't think of it.

Maybe it's a bucket list.

Yeah.

Crazy.

All right, so what's the goal?

Okay, so what's the one thing that you. You wish you could tell your all future partners about your body's needs? Is there one thing you're like, I wish they touched my elbow.

I like manly men. I don't want anyone to be like too. I like people being gentle with me, but I don't need, like, I don't know.

You want him to pick you up and throw against the wall sometimes?

Yes, that'd be nice.

I gotcha.

Yeah.

Yeah. See there? I hope he does listen. I hope he throws you against the wall. Okay, let's go into some emails. Okay. We're talking to Rachel Rhyme, btw. And. And you gotta check out her podcast. It's all on itunes. It is. Be here for a while. But how do you feel about podcasting? You've been doing it for how long?

Year and a half, almost.

Okay.

I love it.

Yeah, you're good. I like it. It's funny. You got a good guest. You're good interviewer. It's like just roles. It's funny, casual.

Yeah, I like. I think it's a good way to meet people as well. And I don't know, like, I already feel like I'm connected with you now. After this. After this. And I think it's a nice way.

To come on your date stuff. Fresh together. We're neighbors. I know. I love it. It is good. Well, good for you. You're doing well. Thank you. Love it. Okay, so we're going to talk about vaginas now. But wait, the first question is about vaginas.

Nice segue and vaginas. No, I kind of liked the segue. It made me laugh.

It's a good segue. Okay, if you have a question you want me answer on the show, that's amazing. It's really easy to ask me a question. Just text ask Emily one word to 797979. That's Ask Emily to 797979 and you receive a short form where you easily enter your question contact details. And then if you want me to call you, you just check the asking the form. We do some call shows.

I call some of my listeners too.

You do it's fun, right?

Yeah. If they, like, send me an email, they need some advice, and it's like a really long email. I'm like, I can't be bothered to respond to all that. That's confusing. And I will just be like, send me your number.

I'll call you.

And I call them.

That's so fun. That's good material, right? We do that, too. Yeah. I love it. So you can ask a question. Also on the Sex with Emily website via the Ask Emily tab. As always, include your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen. Listen to the show. Okay, now on to vaginas. Hello, Emily. I'm a new listener, and I'm finding your podcast so inspirational, motivational, and empowering. I love it. You talk about how every vagina is different and beautiful. I don't like what mine looks like, and I've looked into procedures to change it. I watch porn. I know I watch porn. And while I try not to compare myself and my vagina to what I'm seeing, it's hard not to. I've been seeing a new guy for six months now, and things are pretty great, except I'm totally in my head when he goes down on me. I'm constantly thinking about what my vagina looks like and comparing it to other vaginas that I haven't even. Scene. What can I do to get out of my own head to enjoy oral sex and feel comfortable with my vagina? Keep doing what you're doing. Gabby. 25, Iowa. Gabby.

Gabby, you're fine. Guys are just excited to see a vagina.

Exactly.

And everything. Someone's gonna have a different preference on what they like. I'm sure. I mean, I'm sure you have different preference on different penis, but.

Yes.

Guys are just so happy to be doing things that they're not gonna do. Who's really looking that far into it?

I know. Well, I'm so glad you're saying this, because Gabby's 25 years old. Maybe the initial way she learned about sex is through porn. And so the problem is there's a lot of women and men. But let's talk about the women for a minute. Is that they're seeing these vaginas that are in porn, and they think they all need to look that way. Now, remember, there's certain camera angles. It's not that every vagina, like, looks the same. Like, they shave them, they put. They bleach, they do all these different things. And there's.

They probably edit them. There's probably an Instagram Filter where you can make them smaller, prosthetic vaginas.

Oh, sure. Like, it's not even a real vagina. Okay, but first of all. So what you got to do, Gabby, is this really starts with you. I want you to learn to love it. Like love, love, love your vagina. Because porn is just. It's okay. And I have no problem with you watching porn. I think it can be great till you get inspired, get turned on, masturbate, but do your research. Really. I mean, I want you to just like really do your research on your first of all on your own body and look around. There's some great sites too. I don't have them on me. But like, where you can actually look at all these different vaginas on the planet. There's. Every single woman is different, like snowflakes. There's not any two vaginas that are the same. Of course not. It's your vagina and it works and it gives you pleasure.

And additionally, it's not something you can change really. So you might as well accept whatever it is.

Exactly.

It's like, I'd like to be taller. That'd be fun.

Yeah.

But I can't really change that.

It's not gonna happen. Right. I can wear heels, but. Right. So your vagina is fine. And so she's gotta get out of her head. And I really want you to like, get to know your vagina, Gabby. And what I mean by that, this might be uncomfortable at first, but some of the good, greatest tools for self confidence in and out of the bedroom that I could give to women and that I share with women is that you really have to learn your own body and what makes you feel good. And that is like self love masturbation. And it doesn't come easy for a lot of women. Like, not only masturbation, like, we're busy, we're not into the mood, but even finding like your own orgasms. And we expect like our partners to come in and just know everything about our bodies. But once you really masturbate, you become a master of your own body and you'll be like, I've got this amazing machine in my body and I love it. I'm not sure how your sex is or what you're doing, but it sounds like Gabby, she's not comfortable with them going down on her. She's in her head. So the more that you also look comfortable, get comfortable with it, you're going to feel better. And look in the mirror. I know this is. You're all going to like I'm not going to do it. Take a mirror. When you're masturbating, set the light. You should also really like set the atmosphere for yourself. Candles, music, whatever you do, when you're getting into your routine, your masturbation routine or your self love routine and like take a look at it. And you could at first be like, ew, what? Women are weird looking at, looking at it. But you're like, wow, it's really beautiful. Like, let me look at like the lips and the labia. And when I touch it in these different places, that turns me on. Or your clitoris, you can notice that it's like hidden underneath the hood for some women and just everybody's different. So I think that you don't know this body. I feel like you're disconnected. Like a lot of women are gabby. And once you just really learn to like embrace it, you're gonna, you're going to feel better about it.

I would also add one note too.

Yes.

That I've heard a lot of girls say that they feel like they have to because I think it's because they are self conscious. They have to perform more in bed. And I think that that takes you out of the moment because you're just like, I hope I look cool right now or I hope I'm doing the right thing. And I think that it's probably more enjoyable if you're just enjoying.

Exactly.

Like if you're.

That is such a good point. That is a great point. In fact. Enthusiasm. So when I ask this to men, to these questions, like, what do you love the number one thing? Like women, a lot of women say confidence, say enthusiasm. So when you are in your body and you're feeling and he's going down on you or whatever, you're having sex and you are so like in the moment, you're not in your head, but you're feeling your body. You're feeling connection to your partner. That is the biggest turn on. And it's a feedback loop. So you're going to get more turned on because he's going to be turned on because he knows that you're not like sitting there frozen, like, is he looking at my large labia? Or whatever it is that you're in the moment and it's hard sometimes we're all in our heads. But it is true that women sometimes mimic what they see in porn. And they're like thinking that I need to moan that way or move that way and. No, you do. You know, there's no right way to.

Eat a Stiff cocktail and just tend.

To have a good time. Exactly. Okay. Hey, Emily. I've been listening to your show for a few months and I can't get enough. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and couldn't be happier. Our sex life is beyond awesome and we're both very adventurous. There's just one thing. My partner has pretty severe adhd. Sometimes he'll get impatient or impulsive and cut the foreplay short. His heart is in the right place and I know he truly wants to give me everything I need, but the tendency to get right to it is starting to bother me. I've communicated politely that I want more foreplay, and he's trying, but he still has a tendency to lose focus and jump straight to intercourse. Any mechanisms or advice to help him focus in the bedroom? Thank you, Jen. 21, New York. So I first read this the other day and we were prepping. I'm like, okay, add And I'm reading it going, no, no, honey, he's just a man. He's just a young man who's not. I mean, maybe it's add, but most guys who are having sex for, you know, early on, they don't know they did the show yet. 21.

Oh, he's young.

They don't know that you require foreplay, that it's not a suggestion. Like, you need to be warmed up. So they just jump right to your. Your pants. Right. Is this your biggest bummer? When guys, like, they don't even happen to you, you're like, what happened to my boobs? Yeah, like, just take a pit stop and like, my breasts. Grab a boob. Grab a boob for a second. More than a second. Yeah, but like, I don't have the perfunctory, like, kiss your neck. Kiss your pants come off. So I believe that he is.

I'm guessing it's the age thing.

I think it's the age thing too. Although, gotta be honest, this is for sure the age thing. But unfortunately, some men never learn this lesson. I want you guys listening right now who are going, huh? I don't do that. I know you're listening. I want you to really think about it. Like, how much time did you really spend on board? And I don't mean like, oh, I went down on her for three minutes. Like that literally doesn't count. Yeah, you could have got out and got me a glass of water, maybe a snack in three minutes. Like that would have been more effective than a three minute oral licking or something. So I feel that my number one Sex tip always to men is just to slow everything down. And so I believe that he just doesn't know. So I feel like you got to tell him, babe. I love having sex.

And are they rushed or something? Because that. That could be it too. I don't know.

No, here's what happens. I think that for a lot of men, young men, that they are. So this is my theory, that they're so excited to be having sex that it's taken them a long while to get there. A lot of women shut them down and when they think the doors open, they're like. It's like when the garage is closing and you're running out before you don't open their mind. Yeah, I gotta go in.

Gotta go in.

It's gonna close. It's closing. Gotta go in. And I feel like they don't know.

Like if they don't get this theory.

Yeah. I think it's kind of true.

God, you should do stand up and use that, because that's a great joke.

I have some stand up sex jokes. I do. I always thought it'd be fun.

It's actually really. It's probably true and very funny.

Really. Part of me. Because what I do is like, the way I tell. Yeah. Anyway, we'll talk about stand up. I'll have people talk podcasting and stand up. But I do think it's like, no, no. Like, I want to have. You know, I want to, like, I want to get this in. And I just feel like they don't. It's education. Yeah. I don't think it's addicted. Yeah.

I don't think so either. I think it's. Yeah, I think your theory's right.

Yeah. And you got to tell them, too, again that. Here's the other thing. When we take.

Cut him a break. I guess I don't. I.

Don't be harsh.

Yeah.

Because you could tell a guy one thing, and women one time like that, socked or you didn't go down to me. Right. And they like, literally in their 40s, are like, this one woman when I was 22 said this thing. So you really want to be kind. And it's not like it's a horrible sex. You'd be like, babe, I like having sex with you. You're great. And I just think it's really hot when we make out for a while. Yeah. We have sex and you touch my nipple.

You're smart to phrase it like that. I've read that kind of thing before. If you phrase it in a way that it like if you're not like, demanding something of someone or telling them or doing something wrong, that's what shuts people down, I think phrase in a way, like, hey, I really like when we make out for a long time. And maybe that triggers like, oh, she'd like me to do that more. Instead of like, you never make out with me for a long time before we hook up.

Exactly right. Not that.

Not that I've ever been able to successfully accomplish. Nice. Like that.

But it's hard where the thing is, like, you're not. It's a compliment sandwich. So you're like, I love what you're doing. That feels so great when we make out for 10 minutes. And I thought maybe next time we have sex, we could make out and you could slowly take off my clothes.

Yeah.

Boom. He knows. And then every time he does that, you're like, that felt really great tonight when you.

Positive reinforcement.

Positive reinforcement again.

Not that I've ever been able to do that. Normally I think I'm more of a yeller, but.

Right. Hence no third date. But tonight's gonna be so different. God, you're learning. This will be great when you call me after. I hope so. Can we have another email? Hey, Emily, I'm a new listener and I love your show. I'm having some boyfriend and post breakup issues and thought you could help. After breaking up a few months ago with my boyfriend of four years, we both slept with one person each. Yes, we're that annoying post breakup couple that still tells each other everything. During the break, he started improving the things that made me unhappy, like working on his health, body, and motivation. We recently started hanging out again. Things progressed and we've decided to give it another go and make it official right after this. I think I made a huge mistake. My boyfriend went out of town. I went to drinks with work friends and ended up drinking a lot and hooking up with a bartender who was friends with my work group. I feel really bad about what I did, and I'm grappling with whether or not I should tell my boyfriend. I know he would end it with me. Thanks, Ali. 24, Las Vegas.

So they broke up and got back together?

Yeah, they broke up, got back together, they started hanging out again. They decided to give it a go. He went out of town like the next day, and she hooked up with.

A guy and she's asking if she should tell him.

Yeah, I don't think you should. Yeah, that one's tough.

It depends on. It depends on if it's gonna hurt him more. Than like, like if you're a person that's gonna do that often, probably tell them so they know that they're with someone that's a bad person or is not honest.

Right.

But that one's tough. If it's a one time thing and it seems like there was a gray area, it's like why would you just hurt someone's feelings? I've always thought that like, I mean I prefer to people to be honest but like if it's something I don't need to know about and it's not, you're not a serial killer and a terrible person and like a cheater. Maybe if there's gray area, I don't need to know.

Right? I think so too. I feel like this one off experience, not like you had an affair, like a love affair with some guy going ongoing for a few months and it was a one off thing. You were drunk at a bar, you guys just got back together. And so I think it would hurt him more and he would never be able to get over that. And I know that people might, I don't care, disagree with me. And I'm saying this is a one off thing and it's fine as long as you ally like take a good look at yourself. Are you ready to get back with this guy? Like maybe, you know, you actually, I know he's making all these improvements. As you know, our exes always look great when we break up with them. But are you really ready?

Do you think maybe she's not?

I don't know. You were drunk with some friends. It just happened. Like nothing just happened happens. I mean you must have known you were out and so I'm just saying I don't think that you necessarily need to tell, but I think that you should. Smart point. Emily. Yeah. Take a look at this and see. Do I really want to get back together with him? You can move slow. Like you said that you guys said you're giving it a go again. Why don't you like casually kind of just see each other once a week and build up to it? So this might be.

Because that could be. Yeah, it could be a telling point that maybe it was too soon.

Exactly.

Very smart of mine.

I didn't. That's what I do here. Okay, we got one more. Hi, Emily. My sister's best friend and myself are both mutually interested in each other. And I want to take our relationship to the next level. She has a child and says she doesn't want a formal relationship. Further, she feels that doing anything with me would Mean, she's going behind my sister's back. How do I introduce her to the idea of just being friends who casually have sex? Do I just come out and say it? Do you think I should share my feelings with my sister? Thank you. Gilbert, 28, San Francisco. Oh, Gilbert, Gilbert, Gilbert. You think by telling this woman that you just want to be casual FWBs that your sister's going to be cool either way?

Hilarious. Gilbert, you're. You're a nice kid, but that's not. I don't know how you approach that.

No, like, here's the thing. She has a child, has wanted a relationship. Well, here's the thing. She has a child, and she doesn't want a formal relationship, and she feels. Doing anything. Why can't you tell your sister? I don't understand. It's your sister's best friend. If it's your sister and her best friend, I'm assuming you get along, that she'd be, like, cool. Do I.

Do we feel like she needs, like, a side piece? Or is. I don't know what he's sensing that it can be, like, a friends with benefits thing because she.

Right. Because she said she's not looking for a formal relationship, and so he. Can't you just start dating her and just say, like, let's.

Gilbert, I need more info. Are you. Are you, like, in love with her and you're trying to date her and you're just casually sending this email, trying to say, hey, like, I could start with just being, you know, friends with benefits thing?

Well, she thinks. I think. I don't know. I don't know either. We need more information. Because he's saying that she doesn't want a relationship, and she thinks it's going behind the sister's back, and he's like, well, let's just be friends. That. With benefits. Should I tell my sister? I think, yes. Tell the sister.

She could additionally just be making excuses because she's not interested.

That's a good point, too. She might not be into you either. We don't know.

We don't know. Gilbert, we need more info.

Yeah, Gilbert, I would say. Don't trip. I'd say be honest with your sister. Like, honesty is always the best policy. You think your sister probably already doesn't know. She probably already does.

And why would your sister care? Doesn't she want her brother and her friend to be happy?

Yeah. Her best friend.

Yeah.

Yeah. I'd be psyched maybe.

Yeah.

Trying to think. Yeah. Why not? Here's my issue. Have you had this in the dating world here, Rachel. That. Okay, I'm cool with casual sex. I've done a lot of different variations of relationships. Committed, open, fwb. Yeah, but there's something to, like, friends with benefits. There's something to leading up with it. Like, hey, when you seem like, let's just. Let's set the parameters for what we're going to be before we even know each other.

Yes. I think that's. That's discouraging.

It is discouraging. It's like there could be something more or less. We don't know yet. But why would you just say friends with benefits when you're not even really friends yet? And why would you even try to, like, truncate the whole thing? Like, let it unfold?

You don't know yet. Unless we don't know how close they are. It doesn't sound like I know people don't talk. I've done an awkward, like, word vomit thing twice. I think now since I've been single, where someone wants to hook up with me too early on, and I'll just be like, all right, fine. I guess that's. We'll probably never see each other again. But sure. Like, it's just like a weird thing. Like.

And you say that to them and then.

Yes, I do. And it's weird. I think it is strange for them. And.

And because you're not into them or because you're just kind of.

Cuz I thinking, like, if I hook up with someone too soon, they're probably never gonna talk to me again. So then I just weirdly blurt something out like that.

Right. So it's kind of like sabotaging in a way, or saying like, yeah, so.

I guess I might be guilty of that.

Right.

Although it usually did extend for a long time. There are people I hung out with for a while after that. But don't set yourself up for the same mistakes I have. Gilbert.

We've all done it. Yeah, I've done it too. I've been like, what is this gonna mean? Are you seeing other people? Like, does this mean that we just met? It could be a bad thing. And then I just realized that I just tried to. I don't think that anybody knows.

Yeah.

So I feel like nobody knows how we're gonna feel about someone. We just meet them. So you start saying, like, I feel like I can't do this or that with you. Or, you know, I think we intellectualize someone and we think, okay, well, it can't work because you live in Venice and I live over here. I can't work because of this.

Or you can only decide. Well, like, just.

Yeah. Let it flow.

Yeah.

Don't try to set all these parameters and name it before you even. Yeah.

I had someone recently who. We had a very good connection on the first date. Second date, like, really good connection. And we didn't hook up or anything, but, like, we kissed. Very good second date. Like, halfway through the date, he all of a sudden blurted out, like, I really need to take things slow. And I was so offended. I was like, did I tell you I wanted to take him fast?

Right.

Like, it's weird, I think, to put parameters on something before it's anything.

Yeah. You're like, you mean we shouldn't order dessert yet? Like, what are you talking about?

Yeah, I didn't. Did I tell you I wanted. What indication did I give you that made you think that? Like, it's just weird.

It is weird. And I think, though, that some people say this. Men and women would say this because maybe they've gotten hurt in the past. And someone said, you should really start setting boundaries. So what I also want to say is that actions speak louder than words. So sometimes people could say, I'm not looking for a relationship, or, let's take it slow because they're trying to protect themselves. Maybe in the past they jump in too quickly. And that when you're actually with someone, other things can happen. Once you guys get together and the chemistry and your connection, you have no way of knowing. Maybe you thought you never wanted a relationship, and who knows? This is your. This is the one. So I think that we all are just in our heads a lot, trying to figure people out when we haven't actually experienced them yet. So that's what I think. That's what we all think. Right, Rachel? That's what we got time for. This was fun.

This was very fun.

I know. Any questions for me? Any sex questions come up while we're here? Like that you've got. Or dating?

Because I have dating questions. I mean, the one. That last one was weird, but I. I didn't handle it well. The whole when he said it thing. But you see, I was very offended.

Him again.

I did not see him again because I didn't handle it well. But I don't know how I was supposed to handle it. I didn't get, like, mad. I was just very, like, confused. And, like, I don't.

Oh. Because he said, let's slow this down.

Yeah.

But here's the thing.

Maybe we won't. Nothing was hap. Like, I were just literally sitting next to each other at a bar, and he, like, was holding my hand and said it, and I was just. I was. Yeah. It was like someone told him that, like, you need to set boundaries.

That's what it was.

Yeah.

But here's the other thing I would say, then maybe you think you handled it wrong. I think we're afraid of being hurt. A lot of us have abandonment issues. You know, we want, like, things to be certain, and if they're not, we just hold our hearts. We really don't. We don't want to be vulnerable.

Yeah.

So in that moment, you were like, whoa, I'm done. And I would. I'm sure many people have done the same thing. Like, what are you talking about, buddy? Like, fine, take it slow. You think that you get to decide this, but I think that we all. What we often also do is we jump to conclusions and we. We assume things.

Yeah.

So right now it's like, maybe he wouldn't even realize that he was saying it out of this other place. Like, maybe his buddy said to him or his therapist. I just hear that. I know this.

Yeah.

Set boundaries. And it wasn't even about that. But we have these reactions. So I never think it's too soon in a relationship to, like, even if you're at a dinner, be like, what did you mean by that? Like, because I think. We think you can't. Or there's a certain time, but in the moment, something's weird. You could be like, I'm confused by that because we're just sitting here. It might be for an interesting. Interesting conversation. Rather just letting it go. So maybe next time you're just like, weird question. I'm not going to ignore it.

Yeah.

Or I'm having.

I didn't ignore the question.

Oh, right. What'd you say? You said, okay, fine.

I got really awkward about it. I was, like, a little drunk. So I'm not. I can't quite remember exactly what I said, but I remember it being very awkward.

Right.

Like, I just remember being like. I was so taken aback. I didn't know.

I was like, you'd be lucky if this.

Yeah, probably. Probably something annoying like that.

I get triggered like that, too. And then you find that most people don't even know what the hell they're saying. We're all trying to protect our hearts.

Yeah.

Dating is not easy. I know, but you're smart, beautiful.

Thank you. So are you.

Funny.

Thank you.

It's all gonna work out tonight. Maybe even. I wonder what you'll do tonight that will be different from this. Maybe there'll be something you heard today, but we're going to get you some sex toys. You have never used one?

No.

Do you masturbate?

Not really.

Okay. Okay. So this will be, this will be interesting for you. I think you're going to have a good time because I think women, the more orgasms we have, the better we feel. It's true. Our mind, our mood. Like you're like creatively.

Yeah, totally.

We're going to get you some orgasms in a box before you go. Okay. Rachelobriancomedy.com but it's R A, C H A.

And my Twitter Instagram is Rachel N. O'. Brien.

Okay. Rachel and o'. Brien.

My middle initials in there. It reads like Rachel no Brian.

Okay, got it. Rachel no Brian and her podcast. Be here for a while. Check out her podcast. It's good times. Appreciate it and have you on mine. I would love to call your podcast. Let's do that. Talk sex. It'll be fun. We'll talk, whatever. I already see this happening. Okay, everyone, check it out. And all your information will be on the podcast on the show. Notes. So, yeah, thank you very much. Amazing team. Thank you for being here. Thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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