Dating Bootcamp w/ Amy Chan

But when it comes to relationship, which does require work and emotional skill and growth and moving through the uncomfortable parts, and instead of saying, see ya, I'm just gonna go to the thing that feels fun, I'm like, I'm gonna sit with these uncomfortable emotions. I'm gonna do the work. I'm gonna listen to this podcast, Sex with Emily with my partner, so we can get better. Like, those are the hard things. And that is a different set of skill than the Casanova that can like, sweep you off your feet for the first three weeks.

So we were told though, Cindere, all the stories. We're still rewiring everything that we've had to learn in the past and realize it now. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. In today's episode, you're going to hear from a powerful woman changing the game and how we do relationships, from breakups to proper dating and long lasting love. Amy Chan is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp and the author of Breakup boot camp, the science of rewiring your heart. And she's just an overall fun human. I love talking to her. And as you'll hear here in today's podcast, we get into how to measure your chemistry compass, why it's important to date that short person, even if they aren't your type. And my personal favorite, how to spot the green flags in relationships. This one is so good and just in time for summer. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It just helps the show get out there to more people. It just takes two seconds. You can do it right now. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok and Twitter or X or Facebook. It's all Sex with Emily. And if you want to ask me about your sex life, your dating or relationship relationships, call my hotline, 559-talksex. That's 559-825-5739. Or just go to sexmemily.com askemily and check out my new articles, how to come on the face. You guys are loving that one. And seven solo sex positions. Those are all up on sexfeld.com all right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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Today I'm joined by a relationship expert who's been called the scientific Carrie Bradshaw. Amy Chan is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp and author of Breakup Boot Camp, the science of rewiring your heart. Come on. Where was this book when I was going through all my alpha breakups? I want to know. I wish I had it. This is a very different kind of relationship book. It not only helps you face breakups of any kind, but also uses your own patterns to help you truly rewire your brain for happiness. Happiness. She's just one of those authentic people who uses her own heartache to empower others and helps us all get through it and then come out on the other side with genuine happiness. Plus, it's all backed by science. She also has a dating boot camp which she'll get into and I just can't wait to talk to her. Amy Chan, you are talking about your this dating boot camp that you are launching, which makes so much sense. Many of us are just not great daters.

Yeah. So a lot of people come to me saying, I'm ready for a relationship, I want to start a family. And then when I look at their actions, it's completely the opposite. And I have my clients do a dating experiment where they have to date 12 different people, but they're not allowed to get into a relationship with any of them. And so during this time, they have to date people totally outside their type. Because if I tell someone, like, just date outside your type, they'll be like, okay, whatever. But if I actually have them do this experiment and then learn from each one, they start to get exposed to people who treat them well. And then they're like, oh, I thought I wanted this, right? Like, I have a client, she is an entrepreneur and she's like, I can only date entrepreneurs because I'm an entrepreneur. And she did the stating experiment. And along the way she met a guy who had a 9 to 5 job and you know, he's gonna have a pension in a couple years and totally not her type. And she was freaking out about it. And I was like, you're in the experiment, Just keep going. And she's been with him for three years now. Totally outside her type. Exactly what she needed, but not what she thought she wanted.

Okay, so how do we know then? How do you get people to realize it, what their type is, to recognize it, and then go the other way?

I have them look at the last three relationships and it might even just be a situationship, right? Three last romantic connections. And then write down the five main emotions that came up for each one. And then you go and you circle what were the emotions that are continuing? And there's usually a thread because it's the emotional experience that repeats. The package might look different. So a lot of people are like, I don't have a type. This person was this tall. This person did this job. But, oh, I felt anxiety because I was chasing them. And that's a common thread throughout all of them.

Wow. So what are the some of those common types that come up?

I have a lot of women that complain that they're unavailable. They're all Peter Pans. They're man children. No one wants to commit. And then we dial it back. Like one of my clients who was like, you know, like, I get ghosted. And like, they're the guys in la, they're just all like this. And then I'm like, okay, what's your height requirement in your dating app? They're like 6:2. And I'm like, okay, so you're ready to settle down as long as he's 62 with a chiseled jawline and blue eyes.

And then I'm like, okay, so part of your excitement experiment is you need to date someone shorter than you. And she literally fell off her chair. She's like, amy, please, no, I can't.

Like, no, anything with that, Then what happens?

And then they do it. And then they might not be like, oh, my God, I'm in love with this person. But again, because with the experiment, you're not supposed to get into a relationship with them. So it takes the pressure off of, I need to meet my soulmate. And they just are able to be present, right? Like, there's no pressure here. And what eventually happens is most of the time my clients don't make it through because around the eight person mark, they end up with someone and they're like, I am with someone I would have never given a chance to.

And I love that you take the pressure off them. Because when we are dating, many people go into dates thinking, like, is this the one? Like, I can imagine us having children or we're analyzing and it's like to take that off and to say no when you're actually. You're just going to be present, you're going to see how you feel with them. Do you actually like this person? Really, it takes the pressure off to just kind of really be present and really pay attention to who you are, what you like.

I look at dating through a dating funnel, right? My background is marketing, and top funnel is lead generation. It's just prospecting and. And then the next stage is discovery dates 1 to 2. And your strategy for that stage is going to be very different than like, the bottom of the funnel. And I say this controversial thing where your first date, you just want to see, am I having fun? Do I want to see this person again? Don't look at like, are you going to be my future baby daddy? Like, do you have the type of job that I like? Don't look at any of that stuff because it makes you not present. It also makes you look almost like, in a way, objectify them because they're no longer human. You're just looking to see if they fit this plan and fantasy you have in your mind and the timeline. And if they plug in and you get that kind of like, job interview energy, which is just not sexy.

I know. And getting people to realize that that's what they're doing, I mean, that really is probably what the majority of people do, right? I never dated that way personally, but I think that most people, when you're at a certain point, you're like, this person's going to complete me in all of these ways. It's not just like, you know, maybe we'll have something in common or maybe I'll make a new friend, but that you Sort of help people reverse engineer that and look at it a little bit differently and say, just an experience with somebody. You get to, you know, see if there's a connection and learn what that feels like.

But I find more so now people are so heavily guarded. And I think that, look, it's great that we're all talking about boundaries. Amazing. But we've gotten to a point where instead of boundaries, we are building walls and we are not trusting people. And it's, you know, it's showing in the data. People are veering more avoidantly attached. We don't trust the media, we don't trust the government. We don't trust our neighbor. We don't trust romantic partners. Like, and so we've gone too much to the extreme where we are not taking the risk of vulnerability and opening up. And how are you gonna spark connection when you're like, I don't know, are you a narcissist? Are you a psychol? Like, are you a psychopath? Are you gonna, like, you know, do something bad to me?

Like, it's hard. You take this attachment style quiz. We take the love languages. Before we go on a date, I need you to check all these boxes I'm gonna analyze.

Are you wasting my time?

Exactly.

And I know I used to do this when I was in New York. I would, like, not wanna kind of find out how much money they make. But like, so what area do you live in? Like, tr. Okay, like, I'm leaning in, right? And so, and but by doing that, I'm judging them. Like, do you fit in this box of what I think I want? And that makes you out of the present.

So then is it really that we shouldn't figure out what we want? Like, how do we figure out the right things that we want?

I think that you want to be clear in your values. And your values act as your compass, not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships, to the opportunities that you take. And when you're really clear with that and you start to look at how am I living in integrity with these values? And I have my clients rate themselves on these values that they want in another person. Like, I'll have people like, oh, yeah, honesty. Like, I want honesty. And I'm like, okay, what do you rate yourself? Like, 10 out of 10? I'm like, but you just, you won't talk to your mom about this really big thing, but, like, you're honest at work, but you're not honest here. Like, it doesn't work that way. Integrity isn't a part time Thing when it's convenient. So why don't you start taking it? Accountability. Take some action to increase your score of honesty. And then maybe when you get that up higher, you'll call that in with someone else.

Exactly. Like becoming the person that you want to find. Right. Really? That's what this is about. How we sort of. Like, your work is about how we use our breakups and the pain that comes with it to really become a greater version of ourselves. So work on ourself in all of these areas. So I want to go back to breakups now. When I was going through your breakfast breakup boot camp and your book and looking at your videos, it really took me back to something I hadn't thought about in a long time. And that was my first breakup. And it was so devastating. And I think for many people, right, the first breakup is really hard because you haven't gone through it before. So anyway, I was, like, 16 years old, and I remember his name was Lance. And I remember he broke up with me. And I was lying on the floor in Michigan and freezing cold in the winter, lying in front of a space heater, like, rolled up, like, just so sad and feeling that, you know, my life is over, whatever. Why? Why isn't this person choosing me? And I really haven't thought about, like, that kind of thing in a while because I think as you get older, the breakups get a little bit easier. You kind of know. But there's some patterns that repeat. So first I was thinking, why weren't you there to help? Like. Like, you know, we really need you to help us. Because then I was thinking, you get locked in then also to certain patterns. Like, for him, he, like, left me. So then I wanted to shut my heart down and not be as open. And I think other breakups, you just sort of. When we think of a breakup, we think of, like, you're devastated. You're sitting on the couch, eating ice cream, calling your friends. You can't get out of bed for weeks. Like, that's a breakup. We all know that it's very, very painful. But let's talk about your version of that. And, like, what we should do. Like, is there time to cry on the couch and to be sad? And what do we do?

Yeah. So I think the very first thing is when we can have a healthy relationship with our emotions. That's a game changer in life. Because feeling sad over a breakup and feeling like there's been a death that's happened, that's not bad. And I think sometimes, especially because I work with a lot of overachievers. It's like, the pain is bad. How am I going to get out of this? Like, how shameful that I'm feeling this? But we have to be able to feel all of them in order to process it. And if you don't process that pain, that's what turns into baggage, and it just stays with you. And then there's the next breakup, and then there's a little bit more added to your baggage, and you just keep bringing it to relationship to relationship. And then we start to blame ourselves, and we're like, I can't find anyone to date. Why do I keep getting the same, you know, unavailable person? And we can then be like, oh, there's something wrong with me. And it's not. It's that there's been layers of stuff that hasn't been dealt with. And so I think number one is process the emotions. It's okay to focus, feel. And then there's like different stages, right? So depending on what stage you're in, I think it requires a different strategy. In the very beginning, you're in shock and in denial. And what you need to do is talk about it as much as you can with people you trust. Journal it, let it out, release, release. And then a little bit later on is when you can start looking at the lessons. But I would never tell someone in the very beginning to start analyzing their pattern. You're talking about how, like, we get the breakup. We call our friends, we have ice cream. And I think something that happens that I notice a lot is we get together with our friends who love us, and then it becomes this bashing of the ex, and it's like eating junk food in that moment. It feels great, but it actually does a lot of harm. And so when I'm helping people, if you are still blaming your ex, vilifying your ex, analyzing your ex, hoping for your ex to change, you're still in a relationship with your ex. And sometimes we hold on to the pain because it's the last part of the relationship we have left, but we're not aware that we're doing it. So these hate fest rabbit holes that we get into can be really destructive and just keep you more attached.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Amy, Champ, how did you go from, like, having, like, this terrible breakup to building a. Essentially a breakup boot camp empire?

How does that happen? So when I went through this breakup.

It was like a band aid ripped off, and all the stuff I never dealt with, starting from the stuff with my dad, everything came to the surface. But I didn't know. I didn't have the tools. I didn't have the understanding. So I just blamed it all on my ex. And I had crazy revenge fantasies that might have included buying bedbugs. Like, crazy stuff. And so when I finally healed from that, and it took a while, I asked myself, like, what happens to people who don't have the books, don't have friends that will support them, don't have couches to stay on? Like, what happens to them? Because I was so close to doing something so destructive, and I realized I had to create what didn't exist for me, which was a safe place out in nature that you can go where there's experts specifically helping you with the type of pain and grief that comes from breakup. So as much as breakups feel so horrible and we want it to end, I love breakups because it is a period of time where there's a shakeup, where you can redirect your life and you might not know because you're in the tornado, what happens. As human beings, we love complacency. We love our baseline. And even if that baseline is anxiety or chaos or someone that we have no feelings for, and we're apathy. We're unlikely to choose uncertainty and risk because it's too uncomfortable. So a breakup yanks you out of that, and you have a window period of time where you can get off of this treadmill that you've been on and make some serious changes. So I'm excited for people when I work with them at breakup bootcamp because we want to look at what is the pattern that has been playing out the emotional experience, and is it one of a repetition compulsion where you're reenacting a scene from your childhood in an attempt to change its ending in a subconscious way?

Yeah, I mean, really, that's exactly. It's not necessarily about that person. Right. We always think you break up with someone and we're so angry at them and they've done all these things. But once we can look at ourselves, we realize it's really. We can dis. It's not really about them. It's about. It's always about us. Right. It's our own stuff that we have to go into and peel back the layers. Like, this is how my, you know, I got love my parents, and this is, you know, what it meant to all my self esteem and all these. These things. So really getting into ourselves so we can go, you know, heal and date a healthier way in the future. Yeah, for sure.

Exactly. It's, it's never just about the ex. There's recycled pain.

Can you talk about this recycled pain? Because so much of this is like, I've always say you, this is the work that we do. It's like everything's from childhood. Like, no, it really is. Even if your parents, you think they're perfect. It's just about being a parent, be having a caregiver. You're going to be learning something from each other and you're going to have these patterns that might no longer serve you. So I think everybody, it's so important to do that work. But how would you even explain that, the recycled pain that we're carrying?

I don't want us to go and be like, it's your mom's fault you have an anxious attachment style. That's not the point. Right? We want to understand the root of these behaviors that are no longer serving us because we adapt. And as children, when we don't have tools, it might have been really helpful to dive into work and, you know, not deal with emotions, Be the person who's very useful and helpful in fixing things. And then we don't realize that those same habits that helped us when we were childs is wreaking havoc in our relationships in our 30s. So I think to start is to look at what is the history telling you, what is the emotional experience that keeps repeating and how are you currently accountable for that? It doesn't mean that the person who cheated on you, it doesn't need to take accountability. It doesn't mean you have to forgive anyone. I'm just saying, at what parts do you have control over? And one for me was unavailability, right? I always was like, unavailable guys, like, in New York, it sucks. In la, it sucks. And then when I looked at my own behavior, I was like, oh, how convenient is it for me to chase these guys that clearly are not that into me by the actions and inactions. But I can then say, oh, yeah, you're the one who's unavailable, and not confront that I was unavailable and I was acting in a way that made me always have that same conclusion, had the same realization.

I kept saying, they're not available, they're not here. Like, it's just, you know, it's there. It's them kind of blaming everyone else. And then I realized, oh, shit, I'm not emotionally available too. I had to do that work and realize, like, what does it actually mean? So would you say that most people. What would be an exercise for people to realize, right now, because there are those people go through breakups and maybe this is part of it, who aren't ready to look at themselves for a while. They're like, they just want to stay in the. He's an or. She did this terrible thing. And I know I have friends and people on the show who've carried on this hate and this disdain and blame for their partners for years. And I'm like, waiting. I'm like, come on, we gotta look at your part. There's two of us in every relationship and we bring that in. Into the relationship. But, you know, it can be so hard just to get in there and start to look because it's the stuff we've been avoiding our whole life. Yeah. Right. So it kind of sounds like with your work, you're like, might even be the first stop for them to saying, like, okay, enough. I am done repeating it. Let's do the work. Yeah.

And like, I. So I interview anyone who wants to come to the boot camp because there are some people who aren't ready. And that life force energy, which is like, I don't want this to repeat again. And I'm going to look inside. I don't have the tools. I don't know how I'm going to get out of it. That I cannot teach. And so when someone is like, it's all their fault and blah, blah, when they are so attached to being a victim, even though they might have had terrible things happen and there is no opening to look outside of that perspective, I cannot help them.

Is there anything that you've been able to say to these people to get them out of it? Or do you think it's a timing thing? Like, eventually they're going to get to the place where they can see their part.

It's tough, right? Like. Like all I can do is ask questions that can cause them to look inside. And if they want to, they can. And if they can't, I think also as a former codependent, I'm also learning that it's not my job to take someone out of their emotional experience or to fix it. And sometimes that journey is that they need to spend three years blaming their ex and holding onto that pain because that gives them a sense of connection. Connection. That's their journey. Even though it makes me uncomfortable.

That's true. We're not responsible for anyone. We have to all get to it on our own. Why do you think that so many of us had the experience of choosing the same person over and over again? That isn't right for Us. And we know it's not right for us. It's a little bit what you talked about, the patterns. But what about that? Yeah. How do we. How do we recognize that and how do we stop that?

I've come up with this thing called the chemistry compass and how it's not you that's broken. If you keep choosing these people that aren't healthy, your chemistry compass might be broken. And our chemistry compass means that human beings, we are drawn to what is familiar. It's across the board, whether it's food, music, or romantic partners. And so say you came from a household where there was a very unavailable parent, where you had to prove yourself, earn their love. That can become very familiar. To do something to earn love, you might in the future, without knowing it, feel chemistry. This 10 out of 10, I want to rip your clothes off. Because subconsciously you've picked up cues that it feels like home. And so you can tell you have a broken chemistry compass. If you just look at your last few relationships and were they healthy? Were you happy with them? And if not, and typically that's who the type of people come to me, then you can't trust that 10 out of 10 chemistry. In fact, that's not a green light, it's a red light. And so I really help people to adjust their chemistry compass to start having exposure therapy to people who are kind, who are available to a more peaceful and to not confuse intensity and anxiety with love.

Love bombing. Someone's all over you, you're the one. Like, that doesn't necessarily mean that that's love. I mean, truly. I mean, it really is, I guess, hard to get people about to kind of try to. To look at this. But to say, like to say to someone, I know you've great chemistry and you're feeling these fireworks, but that's actually what we're trying to, like, rewire. So that's. That is the exposure therapy. And they're going out with new people and they're realizing, like, I actually can feel connection and actually attraction. Can you talk? What about, like, attraction? They go out with someone. So the first time you set up with someone, she's like, I'll never go out with a short man. And she goes out the short man. And then maybe she goes a few times, and then she might find, like, attraction starts to grow. What do you think about that? When it starts to grow? And how much time do we give someone? Some people want to give up on the first date. Yeah, like, I wasn't into it.

I look at it In a scale of 0 to 10, 10 being like, I want to rip their clothes off at first sight, zero being disgust. We don't bounce back from disgust. So if you feel five or above, you go again. And the thing is, there's, you know, the mere exposure effect. The more we're exposed to someone, the more I'll amplify the base feeling. So your brain might not cognitively process what type that connection is. Is it sexual? Is it more friendly? You don't know yet until you have more data. And you don't have enough data on the first date or even the second date because often it's our representative showing up. And so, like, if it's a 5, it doesn't hurt to go again. And then after, I think a series of dates where you're like, oh, it's just. Just really not. I'm not. It's not moving anywhere, then you can make a decision of like, okay, I'm going to stop.

We're going to be right back with more Amy Chan after a short break for our sponsors. Stick around.

Well, how do you help people with their. The green flags? People love talking about red flags. But what are there certain character traits or anything across the board that you like, are like, this is what you want to be looking for, to know that you are actually with somebody who makes you feel good in your body, who's healthy.

Yeah, it feels calm. You don't have an activated nervous system. And that was the one thing that was a major realization with me when I met my partner, my now partner. In the beginning, I didn't know. I went in with that whole, I'm just going to have fun and that's it. I'm not gonna size him up to see if he's gonna be my future husband. I'm just gonna be present. And I remember after our first date, I didn't feel the need to announce it to everyone. Like, oh, my God, Like, I met the one. I've met the one 28 times, by the way. And it just felt calm. And I didn't doubt. Like, he messaged back. He asked me out to go again. Like, there was this flow and ease to things. And I think at that point I. I had done enough work because I'd done the dating experiment on myself, and I stopped confusing that someone who's showing up as boring or too nice or doormat. And I'm like, oh, actually, this. This is familiar now. This is the way I want to be treated.

You have to retrain your nervous system to find other Things calming and appealing. So what about the men? Like, what would you say are some of their patterns that they're breaking a.

Lot of the times with the men? The research supports us. And also what I've seen is there's more of a tendency after a breakup to distract and avoid. And it's not because of a biological thing. It's a socialization thing. So I see often they will jump right back into the apps. They'll date people, get into a relationship right away. A lot of times they'll also date the opposite of whoever they were with, and then it eventually catches up, and it either blows up or they have regret. And again, they're carrying that baggage. So I. It's wonderful when I see men show up at the breakup boot camp, but that's one of the things is not doing that because it's uncomfortable and allowing yourself to sit.

Yeah. I was thinking, like, break. A boot camp is like Vegas, like, for guys. Like, I'm gonna go there, and I'm gonna break up and sleep with everyone. Everyone I know. That's what you know. Or meet new people and sleep with them. But it is interesting because what we're saying is that for breakups, what you're saying is that we have to eventually feel it. Like, I think that we think that it takes time to, you know, heal all wounds and heal our emotions, but it really doesn't. We have to go in and feel it. So maybe with some people, they're avoiding it by going out and sleeping around. And for some people, they're actually stepping in and, like, doing this kind of work. So, God, it saves so much time if we just start processing it right, we have enough information after even a few times going on dates, even, like, realizing, like, what do I actually. Like, like, what makes me feel good? Because what I love is, like, you're helping people sort of turn it back on them. Like, how do you want to be a better person? How do you want to show up in the world? Like, people are just thinking, I have a broken heart. I want to get out of it so I can jump into another relationship. And I think that you're filling in this gap, this. This place where they need to stop in the middle and just say, like, okay, what can I. You know, how can I become the best version of myself before I do this again? Yeah.

And I think, like, just even assessing, like, what. In this last relationship, what do I want to take away as I want more of. And what do I not. We need to sometimes go through these experiences to Figure out what we don't want to, then figure out what we do want. And that's a pathway. I took, like, a lot of, like, oh, I don't want that. I don't want that. And then I was like, okay, this is actually how I want to feel. And I think the focus changes on, like, are they like this? Are they this tall? To, like, if I'm an anxious wreck of a person after a date, it doesn't matter how good they are on paper or how hot they are, I'm looking at how I feel, and that is a clear signal that something in my body is saying no.

So these are the kind of things you teach, like, what are you actually feeling? I think so many of us are used to, like, projecting. Like, I hope this person likes me, and I hope that, you know, they choose me, or I hope I'm good enough. But it's like, really, the reframe is, how do I actually feel? Is this someone that I enjoy spending time with? Right. And that is a skill set to be taught, which is what you work with people on. Like, knowing that, the knowing and like, giving it time.

And so again, back to my whole dating funnel, where, like, there's prospecting discoveries, dates one to two, and the third stage is evaluation. And that's like, dates three to maybe 15. And a lot of people, especially people, are very ruled by chemistry. They skip this altogether. Or people who are so wanting to be chosen instead of believing that I am the one choosing. And so they skip the whole evaluation part, the part where you get to know someone through time. Like, are they who they say they are? Are they treating the wait staff well? Like, all these little things that are data points so that you can make an informed decision.

Right. Like, take the time. So what is that? Like, you talk about the different stages. Yeah, yeah.

So top funnel is prospecting. Okay. Just lead generation. I always say you want three sources of lead generation. So if you're only doing apps, then one other way is go on, do meetup groups on common interests. The third might be get friends to set you up. And then after that is discovery dates 1 to 2. The only question you're asking yourself, am I having fun? Do I want to see them again? If it's a yes, you go. And then the third is evaluation. Evaluation in states 3 to about 12, 15. And this is when you're just. You are deciding and, like, seeing this person through time. Their values, their integrity, is there an alignment? And then after that, you can make an informed decision. Do I want to Go to the next stage, which is close, and that could be stepping up the level of commitment, however that looks like to you. And the last part of the funnel is retention, and that is a whole. A whole other book.

Okay, Right. Like, how do you. It's so important though, to recognize that because we often get very caught up in the early stages. Right. So I think a lot of it is realizing that early stage you have these chemicals, the best, the most delicious cocktail of feel good chemicals in the world are swirling in your brain and you're falling in love and you really don't see any of the red flags waving in the distance because you actually can't because you're like filled up with all the stuff that feels good. But just like any drug that you know comes up, you got to come back down again. And I feel like with a lot of your work, you're kind of dealing with this for a lot of people, helping them realize that all the different stages of attraction and arousal and that people are thinking like most of people's data are predicated on those early time when it isn't even real. So it's like, what do we do? How do we show, like, I almost wanted like a PSA that's like, this is not real. Like, this, this is fun. You're good at gathering information, but not all the information. Yeah. So what do you think? Think about that stage. How do you explain that and make it so people realize, like, that's like, it's a good, we need it, it's important. But then we have to look at what comes next.

Yeah, I think the first two, three months of relationship, they don't count.

No, they don't count. They literally don't count.

Because, like, you can have the most avoidant person who like, doesn't want a relationship at all, but they are motivated because of dopamine to conquest and to win you. And so, yeah, they're romantic, they're texting all the time, they're initiating dates, and then they got you and suddenly they disappear and they're hot and cold and you're like, oh, my God. But I want to get it back to how it used to be. You didn't know that person. You don't know when someone is in a conquest mode. You don't know when. It's just like, they love drugs. You don't know if it's just a representative. You do not have enough data about someone. And so when you truly do and respect and have like a healthy sense of self worth, and I know it's not easy when you start building that. You don't get so blindsided by the fact that someone's buying you gifts or they're initiating dates. You're like, okay, cool. Well, let's see how you are consistently through time. And the small things. The small things that mean a lot. Not because you bought me flowers.

Right. Because in that period, though, you idealize it. And do you find also then people going through breakups, like, but that time, it was so great. You talked about this pattern of we get just enough from somebody, and they pull back. We get just enough, we go pull back from them, and that becomes our entire relationship that we then think was kind of a healthy relationship, because then it was good, it was bad. Can you talk about intermittent reinforcement? Yeah.

Yeah. So there's this famous rat study where they put these rats in a cage, and every time the rat pressed the lever, they would get a pellet you if food. And so the rat learns like, okay, I do this. I get the thing that's continuous reinforcement. Then the experimenters were like, okay, well, what happens if we remove the food completely? The rat presses, presses, not getting the food. Eventually, like, I'm not getting food. I'm out of here. Again, you learn that this is going to have this result. No big deal. Then the researchers were like, let's. Let's, like, mess around here. How about what? Sometimes when the rat presses the lever, we'll give something, food sometimes won't. It'll be completely at random. And can you guess what happened to the rats?

They were crazy.

They died.

Yeah, those rats died because they were going after the food. Right? They're like, where's the freaking pallet?

Pressing, pressing, pressing. They stopped drinking water. They stopped, like, everything. They just kept pressing. And you know, whether it's that gambler at the slot machine or whether that's. You, like, waiting if this person's gonna check your IG story because they didn't reply to your text message. It's the same thing when you don't know when the reward is going to come, when it's spontaneous and unpredictable, it causes you to feel the sense of addiction. And when we don't understand this, we think it's because it's. They're so great. That's why I'm feeling so much intensity.

When it's not nothing to do with the person. They're literally just playing a game. They understand. I mean, I don't know how conscious they are about it, but what we're talking about is, like, if you're dating someone, you get a really sexy text, but then you don't hear from them for a few weeks, and then they drop in one day, then you're getting up again. And it's all these layers that keep us attached to things that aren't necessarily healthy for us at all.

Sometimes they are aware. Like, I don't think people generally are manipulative trying to do this, but a lot of the times there is a validation. They get to have that tether to be like, I still got it. I can still. I can still do that little poke and I'll get that attention. Yeah, it feels good. And I got my fix. I'm going to continue doing my thing.

Exactly. I got a bunch of other people that I got to keep connected to. But, you know, when we see that coming in, I guess we can start to recognize. I guess that's what you're saying. Eventually go through time. You're like, that's not okay. Oh, this person who's an inconsistent texter, this person who's always late, or this person's breaking their promises. Hopefully. We only go through that, you know, once or twice in our life with people, and then we start to make better choices and choose healthier partners. Yeah.

And again, it's like, instead of focusing so much on them, focus on, oh, I'm feeling anxiety. Every time I have an interaction with this person, I spiral. I don't want to feel that way. So therefore, I'm going to use those cues about myself to either have a conversation and communicate like an adult. Be like, hey, what's up? Or I'm going to step out of the cycle of hot and cold.

So then it's really helping people realize that, like, you can, you know, rebuild again. So when you're doing your bootcamps and you're working with clients or that you having them, they're identifying the patterns. I love the idea of writing down your exes that you dated and then circling literally the common denominators, the things that were. And then being like, okay, did this serve me? It didn't serve me. And then do you help them write a new directive, what they're looking for, or values? Yeah. How do. How to actually embody those and feel those.

Yeah. So we do an exercise where they identify their top value, and again, they rate themselves first so that they can work on their own. And that is really what they're looking for in the evaluation stage when they are dating different people to see if there is an alignment of values. And another thing, we have them do is to write their non negotiables list. Because we know that when the love cocktail starts happening, we forget and we rationalize. And so when you have your. These are the actual nos, you can come back to this list. You can have an accountability buddy that can see it as well. And when someone crosses it, you don't rationalize it away.

What are the nos that you're like, no, that has to be a no.

And they're like, yeah, I think one of the big ones is availability. So someone who's not available. And that could mean someone who's living in a different continent.

Right.

Like it's not that the guy, the person is a bad person, but you want a committed relationship in your city and so stop dating someone who lives, you know, a totally different time zone than you.

Right. Yeah. I kept thinking about people who date married people, like married. I'm like, that's the perfect example of it. They're like, oh, they just keep finding you. They're not finding you. But you are attracted to that adrenaline. Is it gonna happen? Is it not gonna happen? Right. Okay, so that's what availability. What are some other common ones that we missed but that are really important?

Someone who is, I think, mutually invested. And that is really. You can tell, like if you are the one who's constantly, okay, I'll change my plans to make it happen. I'll meet you in your town, in the city. Like when that's happening and you notice that there's just a major imbalance. That's a non negotiable. And someone is not mutually invested. They will only be with you if it's convenient for you. For them. It's, it's not a relationship that's going anywhere.

I mean, it's so funny. Just like friendships, like you don't date people who make you feel bad at friendships who are like, they're not reliable. They don't show up. You know, they just, it's just like everything. It's really just a way to understand, you know, people and understand yourself and what you. Yeah. You really won't put up with. So you've got your non negotiables. Yeah. And then you.

And then knowing what a difference between a non negotiable and a preference is. Because a preference is 6, 2. A preference is that they like skiing like you do. And the research shows that none of that stuff matters when it comes to a long term happy relationship. It doesn't matter that you guys like golfing together. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. That stuff that we think matters doesn't matter.

And because humans adapt that person that you're like, oh, my gosh, 10 out of 10 attraction, like, because they're so hot. Two years in that hotness, you get used to it. So you're not like, so what is the glue that is left when you adapt to all those shiny qualities that will not matter two years down the road?

A lot of my listeners, when I'm thinking about all the questions I get over breakups over the years, and what I get all the time is, why can't I get over my ex? Like, and I always think about them, like, during sex, they're probably the best I ever had. And I feel like a lot of times we're just like, we don't think we'll ever find that again. So what do you do with that? And how do you get people to reconnect with themselves sexually and realize it wasn't about their partner per se?

Yeah, we bring in a sex therapist to help specifically with this because so often we are. We think that the reason why we felt this hot chemistry or we felt so sensual is because of them, but they tapped into something and helped us connect something that was already within us, which is great news, because we can cultivate that and then cultivate that thing and have it with other people. So we are the source of it, not Joe or Lance.

You know, that's it. Like, it is not about that person. It is not about that person at all. Right. It's about what they. How they made us feel, what a gift. How do I. And I can find that with other people, right?

Yeah. And, I mean, this is a journey I'm on as well. Like, I spent most of my life performing. Like, I was like, oh, this is what a sexy Asian girl does. Like, and that's what I did for a very long time.

What does a sexy Asian girl do?

I'm submissive, I'm cute, and I'm sweet, and, like. And I'll cook you eggs afterwards. Like, that's what I was doing.

That's what you started. How did you get out of that? That's amazing. I mean, because you grew up with that. Like, that's what I do.

And guys would eventually be like, break up with me or not want to keep hanging out with me. And they would say, like, I don't know, like, something just felt off and they didn't know. But what they sensed was I was not myself. I was just performing, trying to be what I thought that they wanted. And so it has been a journey for me. I've only started learning about sex. That's why I started listening to your podcast is I have had to rewire these narratives and like, learn how to tap into my sexuality and into my body and not just like, makes my orgasm someone else's responsibility. Like, that's a new concept for me.

That's such a big awakening. Many people don't really get there that you realize, like, you were like, they're not emotionally available. Really, they were seeing that you weren't emotionally available because you were in this performance. You really weren't because you weren't. You didn't even know it. So that's when your wake up call. That's so interesting. And then you're like, okay, so who am I without a man, without anybody, like, who, who am I? Right, Amy?

Yeah.

And so that's when you're like, started doing these pro. These practices, right?

And I'm healing through these boot camps, right. I bring in all these extra experts and it's through like having a sex therapist there, having a tantra person there, and I'm like taking notes. Okay, I gotta practice this. Like, okay, I'm in charge of my own orgasm. Okay. I'm gonna do sensual energy. I'm gonna look in the mirror while putting oil on my body. Like, exactly.

We're responsible for our own orgasm, but we don't tell women. I think so many women fall into the performative trap, whether it's in dating or the way we have sex or the way we relate. Same thing. I started faking orgasms for like the first many, many years I was having sex. I was like, that does not seem like equitable. No. They're always having a good time. I am not. What do we do? And then to take back those layers is such a process and a journey. And I love. You're saying you're never done learning, right? No. You're always on the path. How did you start dating again?

Yeah. So, I mean, I think really it's been being in a healthy partnership where I started changing some of these things because I never felt safe with people.

And that came from your childhood?

Yeah, I was just trying to make them like me and choose me. And like, if I was sexy, sweet and intelligent and ambitious, then maybe they would choose me. And like, I've now been with my partner for four and a half years and like, I am learning, like, even not checking out, right. I'm gonna actually, like, focus on the sensations in my body.

Like, that's a new during sex, you mean? Okay, let's get into that. So, yeah. So you learned to, like, just not leave your body and be, like, the perfect girlfriend. You were like, what? What am I feeling right now? Can you talk about your first experience with that?

Yeah, because I would notice during sex, my mind would go somewhere else. Whether it's a fantasy, whether it's replaying a scene, it could even be playing a scene with my partner from a different time. What the hell? And so I learned through one of the sex therapists, like, actually just focus on the sensation in your body. And doing that has really, really helped me. And it seems so simple and so small, but these little things, they add up. And now I'm working on, like, well, how do I feel more libido and sensuality without waiting for my partner to draw a bath and do these things? And I'm still figuring it out. I don't know.

Yeah, no, it's a no. But that's it. That's a process. But no, it sounds like that's exactly it. Well, first course, going back to the question to people who say, like, you, you. I can only have sex with my accents on them. No, when you, like, first off, when you slow down and you do start to just touch your body and realize that you can give yourself pleasure, then you can start to link up your sexuality with yourself and not label it with. With anybody else. Right. But also the part about getting present in your body is so. Because so many people, we leave our brains, we're thinking about our ex, we're thinking about the laundry. I think one of the biggest challenges people have is staying focused present during sex. And that is such a great experience, is just saying, like, the second your mind floats away to go, what am I feeling like? Okay, you know, I even use the five senses. Like, my hands are my partner's chest. You know, what am I smelling right now? What am I tasting? And that really is such a. A way to be more embodied and to kind of say, like, it doesn't have to be about my mind leaving. I can't bring it back. Even if it goes leaves a few times, you just keep bringing it back. Right? Every single time.

Yeah, I did actually a tantra workshop.

Oh, okay. Tell me. I love.

One of the exercises I loved was.

We had to do 15 minutes, no, 10 minutes, where one person would give the other person a full body massage, but it couldn't lead to intercourse. And then the timer go off, and then you'd switch. And I cried when I did this exercise because I'VE been so used to balancing it out. Like, oh, my God, I gotta do this now. Like, so concerned with experience of my partner that to just receive was a very vulnerable thing for me.

Receiving is really big when it comes to sex. It's so. Especially if you're a giver, which a lot of us are, to think that this person actually wants to be pleasing me and touching my body and you just got to breathe through it. And then, you know, it's amazing that you've been doing all this work and you're teaching it to all the people that come. Right. Because that's the thing about dating. We make it seem like we're not on one track to find that person. Find that person. We waste so much time. Like, basically you're helping people be more efficient. Like, you're just cutting the bullshit. Like, you could save decades. Yeah. Like, literally decades of patterning. But just knowing, like, I can choose different people, I can make different choices, I can feel differently. This isn't necessarily, you know, my lot in life and I think sometimes too, like, yeah, they're kind of a gift, the breakups. Because you look at, like, what. What are the lessons here? I mean, there's lessons in everything. True. But in every kind of ending that's really, you know, I always say you're never going to regret leaving a relationship, a home or a job. I almost feel like you. Those are time to leave. It was ready to leave. And there's so much to learn in those places. But especially in relationships, I find that.

A lot with people who are trying to date. And I know it's hard to date in this landscape. Like, the research is showing it, it's harder than ever right now. And I think we can think that it's because we are flawed. But in my experience, working with people who are single, most people are usually just a few two blind spots away from shifting their path. And you need to know where it is that you stand. Right. So, for example, there's all this stuff about red flags and there's narcissists out there. Like, you need to know, like, are you too much on the spectrum of you don't trust anyone, so everything's closed, or are you too far in the spectrum where you have zero standards and you're just going to take anything that comes because you're almost like a hungry person at a grocery store store. So you need to know where you are. And then from there you can see, okay, how can I push my edge a little bit to get more balanced? But the Same advice isn't going to work for everyone.

Right. You're fighting. More and more people are avoided. They don't even have the skill set to, to socialize. Right. These days because we're so isolated, but just feeling like, yeah, there's so much fear around it now. But you're right. When your fear and vulnerability, they just, you know, they don't, they can't live in the same, in the same space. But if we don't feel safe, safe, so then how do we, how do you work with people to start? Because really it's not. Trusting others is not trusting ourselves. Right. So we have to start to trust ourselves first.

So the very first step is actually going to surprise you. It is actually getting very clear on who your, what I call your trusted circle is. Because the people you're surrounded with, they are, they are wiring your brain. So if you are exposed to people, and this isn't even people you like, it could be your boss or the person you carpool with. If you're constantly exposed to people who make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells, who are criticizing you, you're not building the necessary neural pathways for trust and healthy connection. So it's going to be nearly impossible for you suddenly to be at the bar and be like, okay, like I'm going to trust you. Like, you have to work on building up those neural pathways. So who's in your trusted circle now? And if you are missing people that you could feel safe with, who you can feel you can be yourself with, work on that, build those friendships, invest in those people, double down on that, and then figure out how you can decrease your exposure to those low safety people.

It is so important that our friendships are like medicine.

Right.

Like, we need our friendships. And then once you start to build that muscle of trusting people again, you'll be able to kind of let other people in. I think that what I love is people jump right into wanting to get to another relationship. They're skipping this step of actually building it and experiencing it in their own life. Like, you can't. It's hard to build the trust in a relationship if you haven't trusted yourself or you don't have a circle of trust around you. Yeah.

And I think if you are that person who's like, well, I just want the next relationship. Why, why are you in such a hurry? What is causing this? I gotta get it now. Like, I have to be hunting. Like, like, what is that? Is that coming from a healthy, helpful place? And you gotta do a Little bit of digging.

Yeah. But is that societal conditioning or beliefs that we have to like settle down and we're only half a person if we are single? Are you finding out that the people that you work with are sort of more open to staying single longer or not necessarily jumping to that next relationship or an alternative kind of style?

I'm finding that people are doing alternative styles because that is what they think they can get.

I just talked to this couple's therapist. We were at a conference together and she said 60% of her clients 35 and under are now in an open relationship. Are you finding that as well or are you thinking that people are just sort of falling into that because it kind of is just sort of serving maybe their avoidant tendencies and they haven't really learned how to love yet? Or do you think this is something that we should be welcoming and exploring?

So I think that there's definitely a more open mind of different types of relationship styles and I think that's great. What I have an issue with is I have a lot of clients who are in situationships or they want a committed partnership and the other person doesn't. So they will just deal with it because that's the only way that they'll have access to this person. And I think that you are lying to yourself. So I think you have to be really honest. Do you really want this or are you only doing it because you think that's all you can get? And maybe it self selects. The type of people that come to me are people who want a committed relationship.

That makes sense too, because situationships are just. I mean, when are they really healthy? Right. There's no boundaries, there's no clarity. You don't know what's coming, what's going. And it's going to keep you attached and addicted to those chemicals. Right? Those same thing, that same up and down. Except yeah.

And I have people who are like, okay, well, we have really clear parameters of how the situationship's gonna work. And you know, I know that it's not gonna be a really. Well, what do you think's gonna happen when you're sharing yourself emotionally, physically, intimately through a long period of time? Like, you can't control that. Sorry. You can't think your way out of falling for someone. And usually it's one person that ends up really hurt.

Always. I try to try to tell people that, but they're thinking just sometimes they just have to go through it. So what are the other things that you work with people with on their sexual relationships? Too, Right. You have your boot camp and you have different practitioners help people, like, with, you know, somatic sensing.

And we have a dominatrix that comes. She teaches the psychology of power dynamics. Because that's definitely a big theme of the people who come feeling very disempowered in the relationships, even though they're powerful badasses in their jobs. So.

Feeling disempowered? Yeah, Feeling like, what does it look like to. And how are we giving away our power too? Right?

Yeah. Because it can start off feeling, like, very equal, and then somewhere along the way, it's like death by a thousand cuts. You kind of like, okay, I won't do this weekend trip to, like, do yoga meditation, because that's the only weekend you have free, or I will. Okay, fine. Like, I won't express this need because I'm scared it's going to make you upset. It happens very slowly, and then eventually they get to a spot where they are so scared of losing the person. Or there's such an uneven power dynamic and the gap has been so widened and they don't even know who they are anymore. Like, I wasn't this person before Amy.

Let's talk about the different stages of love.

Okay. So a lot of people don't know this, and then they make a big mistake and they dump their partner two years in. So learn this. There's. There's two main stages of love. And the first stage is that romantic, passionate stage. And the chemicals are very different. Right. It's namely, like, dopamine. Right. Which is the motivator. You don't know this person enough. So everything's exciting, it's novel, and you feel those butterflies in your stomach. You feel in love. And then what happens is eventually these chemicals can't continue, otherwise you would get no work done. You'd just be having sex all day. And so eventually those chemicals shift and you move into the second stage of love, which is called the companionate stage of love. And these chemicals are different, like vasopressin, oxytocin. They're termed the here and now chemicals that makes you appreciate what's present. You're not wondering what's happening in your future because you've already experienced this person, but you don't feel that. They walk in the room and I want to just rip your clothes off like you did with that intensity in the beginning. And when people don't understand this, they think something is wrong in their relationship. And often they'll be like, I love.

You, but I'm not in love.

With you and they will end it with someone who is a great partner for them. And so what's happening is mother nature's just not gonna do the job for you anymore. Sorry. You gotta do the work. To cultivate intimacy. Add novelty. Continue growing together. Add romance and sparks into your life. Life versus just waiting for the dopamine to hit you.

And like a lightning bolt, just explain to people that it's literally your chemistry, it's literally your physiology. Don't get married at this stage. Don't have a baby. Don't move in together. Like it's not. It's a good time, but it's really not, you know, meant when it ends. Doesn't mean that it's over. Like, that's exactly what I did. I left so many relationships in my 20s. I was like, well, we're done here. I don't want to have sex with you anymore. I'm done. We're bored. This is not good. I will never be in a relationship where sex gets boring. I'm out. Right? Yeah. I did that for a long time. And that's probably what I started sex with Emily. Because I was like, what is wrong with me that I want to leave? I'm like, oh, it takes work. I heard it takes work, but what is the work? And now you realize that like you could really make almost any relationship work with somebody who has a growth mindset around growth and relationships and stuff like that.

Yeah. And that might sound unromantic, but it's reality. Like, the reality is if it is a long term relationship that you are looking for, most of that time is going to be spent in the companion stage of life.

Okay. So the companion stage, you're there and that's when you. Yeah. You bond, you love you. That's when it really. It's hard. You go through your first fights.

Yeah.

You learn people each other are. And then you make. Can make decisions from there. But the problem is so many people are just going back to that. That's all they remember is the early stage. It's like everyone's addicted to the. That's why some people have affairs because, like, I want to have that again.

Yeah.

But so that's something you have to make, you know, you have to make peace with that. You might not have that again if you decide to stay with the same person. But then you create other things that are just as beautiful and meaningful.

Yeah. And I think also there could be a fear around the deepening of intimacy and vulnerability that happens in the companion stage of love. Someone sees you for all. Sees you through your food poisoning, like the farts at night, like, all of you. And that could be really scary. And so we could rationalize and be like, oh, I'm not in love with you, and then hop to the next person when really it's a way of not letting someone in too close. And I almost think, like, should we, instead of maybe we optimize for our best friend that we want to make out with? Because that's really, like, where we're going to spend majority of our time.

I've had so much time. I've thought about that a lot, because it really does matter, because at the end of the day, you are not having sex all the time and wanting to rip each other's clothes off. That is not reality at all. That is the complete exception, and it's not the rule. And to normalize that, that it's in every relationship. In my relationship, you got to work on your sex life. Just because I know what to do to get myself there doesn't mean that I always want sex all the time. No one will after a while. So, yeah, it's somebody you want. I want to hang out with a lot, because you will be hanging out a lot. And what's real for them? Question. You said that sometimes people who are good at dating are not necessarily good at relationships.

Yeah, I know a lot of people and some of my own friends who are great at the romantic gestures and making you feel like you're the most important person in the world. But when it comes to relationship, which does require work and emotional skill and growth and moving through the uncomfortable parts, and instead of saying, see ya, I'm just gonna go to the thing that feels fun. I'm like, I'm gonna sit with these uncomfortable emotions. I'm gonna do the work. I'm gonna listen to this podcast, Sex with Emily with my partner, so we can get better. Like, those are the hard things. And that is a different set of skill than the Casanova that can, like, sweep you off your feet for the first three weeks.

Exactly. So we were told, though, Cinderella, all the stories. We're still rewiring everything that we've had to learn, learn in the past and realize it now, I think that we.

Need to stop trying to appeal to the masses. I used to be like, okay, I need to be a feminine girl, so I have to do these things. And now I'm like, this is me. You can call it masculine because I'm so ambitious in my work, and I'll make decisions And I'll take charge of a situation. And maybe I'm controlling sometimes, or maybe that's just me and I love it. And if you don't like it, that's okay. And like I said, had clients where they've tried to hide part of themselves because they thought that it wasn't feminine enough or masculine enough. And one of my clients, she was always told her personality was too big and she was too intense. And so she would try to, like, do these, like, gymnastics and contort herself to be something she wasn't without any success until she accepted how she was. And she's now, you know, she's done the dating experiment. She's with an engineer who's very quiet, who loves the fact that she's loud and she comes into the room and takes up the spotlight. He loves the very thing that other guys would fault her for. And if she appealed to the masses, she would have never attracted this guy.

Yeah, I understand that. Okay, I've got a few questions here from listeners. I thought you could help me answer. Amy, this is from Christine. She's 25 in Ohio. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've been sexting my ex for a year. I'm fine with our situation as is, but if you wanted to get back together, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. How do I protect myself from future heartbreak and keep it purely sexual? Oh, it's going to be tricky.

Okay.

She's sexting with her ex. So this is this attachment to. And I'd love to hear your thoughts that you're keeping yourself in the past. You're really attached to something that happened, you know, before, and she's really not moving. Moving forward and learning and. And now she's kind of convincing herself that she'd say yes because it could just be sexual, when right now she's already attached and embroiled in it. Still, what would you ever see?

Right?

Yeah.

Christine. Christine, I know that there is, like, something you're getting from this, but the reality is you are in a relationship with your ex and he is not in a relationship with you.

Yes.

And the longer you keep this going and you can rationalize, rationalize in your mind that it's just sex. And it's just that you just have to know that your heart is closed for business, for any other opportunity. There is no opportunity cost. There is opportunity cost for what you're doing.

Exactly like you. And also, yeah, you're staying with one person. You're not allowing anyone else do. To come in. Right. Shut down. Yeah, we gotta Move on, gotta move on. Lovingly, Christine. We keep us posted. This is from Stephanie. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a big fan of yours. My question for you is, as a single mother who, who's been divorced for over five years, how can I get back into the dating world after being single for so long and focusing on myself and my kids? Any starter tips or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thank you so much. I love this because she's like, this is just so common. People have been out of the game and they want to get back in the game. And you know, how do they do it? How do they feel in their body? How do they know what to look for? What do we do first?

I think you have to start putting yourself out there. And I think starting an online dating profile, as much as it's scary, maybe your first step is just to set it up and you don't have to even swipe on anyone. But just do that first step and then another thing you could do. I really encourage people to do meetup groups on an activity you already like. So maybe it's hiking. There's thousands of these types of groups and so you're not going to miss out on anything because you're doing something that you like. But you will eventually. You will meet like minded people. Maybe there'll be a friend or maybe it'll be a best friend you wanna make out with. You don't know exactly.

They all lead to each other. Friends meet through. You might meet someone you're attracted to through a friend. Thanks, Stephanie. Okay, so now, Amy, I'm gonna ask you the five quickie questions we ask all of our guests. Okay? Just quick questions here. Okay. What's your biggest turn on?

French kissing?

What's your biggest turn off? Ooh, shit.

Jackhammering. Yes. Oh, my God, can I say that?

Yes, you can. And I'm gonna like shake your hand on that one. No jackhammering. What makes good sex?

Eye contact.

Just being aligned, like spiritually, physically, emotionally.

Yes. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Stop performing. Remember that you are the one choosing, not waiting to be chosen.

Number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex.

That it could be such a beautiful portal for intimacy with yourself and with another person.

Amy, where can everyone find you? Ooh.

So my book is called Breakup Bootcamp and I'm running both breakup boot camps and my dating bootcamp. So you just go to renewbootcamps.com and on Instagram.

Missamychen, thank you so much for being here.

This was so fun.

So fun. Thank you.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sex with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you want to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationship relationships, call my hotline 559-talksex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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