Differently Abled Sex with Andrew Gurza

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh, my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good. Be in bed. Feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not The kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sex with emily.com check out everything going on there. Our blogs, our podcasts, our videos. You can easily subscribe to the podcast and see what's going on here with Sex with Emily and get all the information you need to have better sex and relationships. And. And you guys take our survey. It's Alternative August and it'll be up all month long and we want to know about your sex life. It's completely anonymous. We're not going to share with anybody. It's in the name of science. We actually want to hear more about your sexual behaviors, your habits, what you're into. And then we'll be sharing those results back to you. And we have a few questions about the Sex with Emily podcast. It should only take you a few minutes. And again, it helps us make a better show and help you all have better sex. Again, you can find that@sexwithemily.com August or go to my website and click on the Alternative August survey banner. Again, it's anonymous. Won't tell anyone. Also, find me at Sex with Emily across the board on all social Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. Love hearing from you all. And now for your sex in the news. Fantasizing about your partner can boost your sex drive and maybe save your relationship. Having fantasies, totally healthy part of having a healthy sex life and also sharing them with your partner. But this new study adds a little bit more to that. So having sexual fantasies might just be the key to having healthy and fulfilling relationship. So according to the study, what fantasies can do to your relationship, the effect of sexual fantasies and couple interactions. This is what they found out. They asked the couples to sexually fantasize about either their partner or someone else and then describe the content of their fantasy and then check out their relationship and see how it impacted their relationship physically and emotionally. So those who talked about the fantasy reported a greater desire to get down and dirty with their partners compared to others. But even more so you guys, check this out. Fantasizing about a partner. So not some stranger, not the sexy person, the barista who gave you coffee this morning. But actually having active fantasies with your partner increased their partner's appeal and decreased the negative perceptions about the relationship. So the scientists conclude the fantasies can help us to invest in our relationships even more, which I think this totally makes makes sense. The more you fantasize your partner, the more satisfied you're going to feel the More satisfied you are, the more likely you are to talk about your fantasies. And who knows? Once you talk about it, I think it'll be a lot easier to live out those fantasies with your partner. So why not just plug in your partner to whatever you've been wanting? So, for example, let's say you've been wanting to have your partner answer the door naked. I'm going to give you an example here. So let's say you're with a woman. You're like, honey, babe, I want to come home and have you naked and laying on the bed without your sex toys. And let's say, you know, you. I don't think you'd start with that. So maybe you'd say, I'd love to come home and see you answer the door, like in a broad underwear, right? Because maybe you've never talked to your partner about being naked when they come home. So I think with fantasies we have to also practice and not just saying, like, babe, I had a threesome and your face was in it. Maybe, like, have you ever thought about having sex with someone else? So I feel like you got to eat. What I'm saying is you got to ease into these fantasies. So rather than saying the whole elaborate scenario can kind of trip your partner up, what I like about this, you can just say, I had a fantasy about you. And here's how we could play out. So, you know, see what they say. Like, yeah, that'd be really hot. I'll wear that new lingerie you said. And then you could add on, like, and if your sex toys were there, that would be great. Because I think if it's a new thing and you've never talked about fantasies with your partner, you want to make sure that it's accessible and something that they would be into. And also, you guys, if you're at the point in your relationship where things have gotten a little stale or you're just like, I'm not really attracted to my partner anymore. You. If you plug them into these fantasies, you're going to be surprised to see that, oh, wow, maybe I really am attracted to them. I got to bring it back. Because if you were really attracted to them in the beginning, it can come back again, I promise. So this is another great tool that you can use to kind of look at your partner in a different light that maybe you haven't seen them in before and kind of bring that and infuse that life back into the relationship. I think these are all great tips for you that if you're thinking about now you should probably just do it today, do it this weekend. Don't wait on it. Improve your relationship, have better sex and get turned on by your partner again. Can totally happen. It's possible. Feel good about this. I hope you guys enjoy today's interview with Andrew Girza. He is a disability awareness consultant, cripple content creator, and host of the Disability After Dark podcast. I was thinking fascinated by his podcast and enthralled. I feel like he and I have a lot in common. You know, there's a lot of vulnerability that comes up when you're talking about sex and it's. Or you're in the business of sex and when you're actually having sex and you're worried about it, like, is this for research? Is this for myself? And just a lot of the challenges that we all have in the bedroom, I feel like, you know, Andrew's got a different host of challenges. But the way he talks about it, I think is really relatable, really heartfelt, and really vulnerable. I think Andrew's doing great work. And if you want to know more about him, you can find him at andrewgurza.com, g U R C ZA and check out his podcast, Disability After Dark. And yeah, you guys enjoy the interview. All right, I've got Andrew Gurza on the phone. Hey, Andrew. Hey.

How's it going?

Good. I'm so excited to talk to you. And I do not think that people talk nearly enough about having sex with disabilities, and I think we all deserve to have better sex and relationships. So I'm really excited you're on the show and I've been listening to your podcast and I was like, we have a lot in common. Cause first of all. No, really, like, first of all, being a sex educator and building a brand and kind of being obsessed with work and thinking when I'm having sex, like, how to really let yourself actually enjoy sex when it becomes your job and how not to be having sex and thinking about, should I be doing this for research or do I need to talk about it Is the one thing. And then also all the insecurities and vulnerabilities that we all have around sex. You're so open about it, like a play by play about when you're in the moment and out of the moment with a partner. And I just thought it was so relatable and honest. And I love the work you're doing.

That's so great. Thank you so much for that. Kudos. Because, you know, the work I do, I just did it because I was Bored one day. And I was like, let's start a podcast, see what I like, see if it goes anywhere.

Well, it's really br. I was gonna ask you about how you got started into, you know, I guess into podcasting, but also being a. Were you an educator before that or did the podcast get you on board with consulting?

No, I mean, it all kind of just started. And the origin story of this was I was a little bit depressed. I was going through a bit of a depression. And I was done in school and I had studied law and disability for years. I did a master's in that and I was gonna go to school for that, to create change around disability that way. But in the back of my mind I was like, I wanna really. I'm queer and I'm disabled and I wanna really talk about this stuff more openly. But people told me, oh, this is not. It's not a job. You can't do that. You won't be able to sustain yourself. It's not worth it. Do something that is, quote unquote, a real job. And one day I just was like, you know what? I'm going to. I'm going to make some business cards, call myself a disability consultant, having no idea what that meant, and just see what happened. And then it snowballed from there.

Wow, good for. How many years ago was that?

That was about six and a half years ago.

Okay, congratulations. Because it seems like you're doing well. And I think that's a great lesson that I think that I talk to a lot of entrepreneurs now people are starting business. I think everything has to be perfect, perfectly lined up. I have to have the website and the branding. No, you just did it. You get cards and you went out there and you believed in yourself.

Yeah, I mean, but I mean, it does go through periods of ebb and flow where like you think, oh, I can't do this today. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to. How will I sustain this in a year? Is this how I wanna look? Any. How this wants to be in a year? And I think when you're a disabled creator especially there's a lot more that self doubt because there's so few of us who are doing stuff, especially around sexuality there. So there we're all talking about it as disabled people, but then there are a handful of us who've decided to take that part of our experience and make it our job. So when there's so few of us doing it, it's like, well, is this brand sustainable? Am I gonna be. Am I gonna be able to do it in a year or two? So there's so much added pressure because oftentimes you're one of few or you're the first. And then it's like, well, what if I. Like, what if I misstep? What if I fuck up? What if I.

Right, right, that never. I. You said ebbs and flows. You're like, there's some weeks, I'm like, how about some days where you believe in yourself in the morning and then in the afternoon something bad happens. So I get it. It's not easy just printing the card. But I'm saying I meant that more like you gotta just start sometimes. And the fact that you start, it's never easy. So you put it out there. You knew or you thought to yourself, this is something that really interests me. Just having disabilities but also talking about sex. What's the response been since you started six years ago now that you are talking about and being queer? So, like all the things.

Yeah, I mean, well, my brand's changed and the names of things have changed and I've changed things around, moved things around. But the response, I think has been positive because I really, in my work, it's so tied to my personal life that I try not to separate it because people don't want that. The disabled community wants to see somebody telling them the truth or their truth with respect to disability. And I think when we talk to non disabled community members about sex and disability, they also need the truth.

Yeah, absolutely.

They need somebody who isn't sugarcoating it. And when we talk about disability, usually what happens is we try to sugarcoat it and make it either super positive or it's a tragedy. It's either one or the other. It's super everything. You'll be fine, you'll overcome, or it's your life is horrible and tragic and you're going to die tomorrow.

And so what is the truth then? What's the truth that you most want people to understand then?

I think I want people to look at how disability feels. We don't talk about how it feels over. When we talk about disability, we talk about the really high or the really low moments, but no one's getting in the middle and saying, hey, how does it feel today to be a wheelchair user? How does it feel today to not have access to your body? How does it feel today to want to jerk off but not be able to because you can't touch yourself? How does it feel to, you know, all those things? No one's asking that. And because that's been part of my lived experience, I started asking myself those questions. And then the podcast kind of came about because writing and typing can be taxing on the disabled body. Sometimes I type a lot, but I get tired really fast. I have the privilege of speech really well. So I was like, why don't I just get a mic, get some, like, really simple podcasting equipment and see if this thing goes. And it's been two years with this podcast and the response has been, you know, really, really good. And people have said to me, this show, I stumble on it. I never thought about this stuff, but now I listen all the time and it's really scary how many, how much people want to learn about this. And, and there. I mean, before I started doing it, there were no resources.

I think for anybody who's thinking of starting a podcast or anything, blog, whatever you're writing, that there's a certain, like, if you, if it's your truth and you think you have a story to tell, there's going to be someone else often that's going to be able to relate to it. So.

Yeah.

So what is it like then? Today you said you want to talk about what it's like to be in a wheelchair. How it feels today. How does it feel today to you?

How is Today Today In 2018, as a wheelchair user who's queer, unfortunately, it. The way we talk about sex and disability hasn't changed. It's still really. I. On one of my app profiles right now, my nickname is.

Big Dick Crip.

That's amazing. Big Dick Crip.

Yeah. So I put it up there kind of as a joke and.

But I have heard you talk about your penis size, so that's not a joke.

It's. No, it's.

That's no joke.

It's quite.

I didn't see it, people. I don't know if you read it, but yeah, it's.

To all the queer men out there, it's a nice, good, good. But still, even in that, in doing stuff like that, that I have to make jokes about that because otherwise I won't get noticed. If I just said I'm a disabled queer guy and I didn't hyper sexualize myself in some way, I wouldn't get noticed in our community, in my queer community. So I often feel the need to overextend that sexuality just so people pay attention to me.

So what kind? Yeah, exactly. So it sounds like it's working. What kind of response have you gotten from listeners? The response, if no one else is doing this. I'm sure they must be. Just like, gives them a lot of permission to be sexual and to talk about things as well.

It does, yeah. I mean I had somebody who tweeted me the other day and said, oh, I'm catching up on Disability After Dark. And like, I love how the show makes me feel and thank you for that. And just I don't get them very often because I think disabled people, even though they may listen, are afraid to talk about sex. So I don't get it too too often. But sometimes I'll get an email just saying, I listen to your show and it's resonated with me. Or I'll get reviews on itunes that are like, I'm not, I'm an able bodied person and I listen to your show and I've learned something new today and I've learned how I understand disability a little bit differently now. Or I laugh with you about something. And like that was, that's really, that's really empowering because I do it. I do my podcast for my house. Like I'm not in a studio, I'm at home. So you don't, when you're doing it, you don't think that it's going to, let's going like across the world and people are hearing you, so you just kind of do it and say, okay, there it is. And I mean it's not the biggest podcast in the world and it's not like huge, but it's the fact that it's creating change somewhere is what I have to remember is the most important thing.

Keep doing it, Keep sticking with it. So, you know, and I think it is really brave because sex is already such a taboo subject. So how do you think we can better understand queer sex and sex with disabilities? Like what do we, what don't we understand?

I think we have to realize that we're ableist and I think we have to talk about that quite openly. And for anybody who's listening who's like, what's ableism?

Yeah, talk about it, please.

Yeah, Ableism basically is like the discrimination against disabled people. So if you make an off color joke about someone's wheelchair or you say something like, oh, that person is a, I'm just trying to think of like a common one. If you call somebody handicapable and you don't ask them what their, what their terms are, or you say something that is, that might be considered a slur, you know, that could be ableism and it's just discrimination or really it's ignorance around disability. And I think we have to realize that we all have the capacity to be ignorant and we all have the capacity to say the wrong thing. I think it's how we handle that. And I think when a disabled person calls somebody out and says, hey, you, you're being an ableist right now, it isn't necessarily like to say to them, you're being an asshole. It's saying, you've. You've maybe misstepped for me. Can we. Can we interrogate that? And I think people are really afraid to be. To be called out in these instances because they'll say they're like, oh, no, I can't be able to have disabled friends.

Well, it's like, right, exactly. No, we can all be. So what do you think are the misconceptions then? Just in general, like, that you feel like people have made about you or people, you know, with disabilities? Like, what's like one. Something that's really common. You're like that again. No one gets that blank if there's even just one that's really close to your heart.

Yeah, I mean, we were talking about my dick earlier, which I love.

Do you love that? This is free advertising fee. Okay, Put up that profile. Not the picture, but unless you want to. But I'm just saying the big dick.

Okay, I'll say it again to go back to that. Like, I have on the profile, Big Dick Crip.

Everyone's laughing and they really love that. Big dick Crippy cracked everyone up. Okay, awesome.

That's awesome. So I have it on my promo as big Dick Crip. And guys will message me and say, like, oh, it's so nice to see that your dick still works as if. Like, as if, first of all, I'm not paralyzed. I don't deal with paralysis. But the assumption that in order, the only way to receive sexual pleasure is through genitalia. Especially with. With men, the way that we fetishize the penis and fetishize, the way that that body part is tied to masculinity and tied to. To queerness and tied to all those things is really problematic. And so I've been getting that a lot over the last few days. Like, wow, it's really nice to know your dick still works. Like, I'm so happy it does. Because if it didn't, like, if it didn't work, then we couldn't do anything. And I just think, well, I have friends who deal with paralysis and, you know, their penis mate, like, sometimes doesn't work the way they want it to. And like, that's really not fair. They still deserve and can achieve pleasure in ways that.

Exactly. That's. They can achieve pleasure in other ways. Right. If they don't. I was gonna ask because I remember studying this in grad school for my sex grad school. And I remember talking about people with disabilities since there was a guy who was paralyzed, but he got pleasure from his ear. Like he learned after being his ear could give him orgasms. Like.

Yeah, I heard about that guy.

Yeah. Is it only one guy? I thought it was.

I've heard that.

I think it's true. Because you learn to associate orgit with any part, you can start to transfer pleasure receptors in other areas. And tell me about your disability just so you're in a wheelchair.

Yeah, I'm a wheelchair user and I have cerebral palsy, which means that I had brain damage at birth. And I came out three months early. So I was like, fuck this nine month thing. I'm coming out at six. And so I came in six months. I was premature. I was blue all over. Like, they basically read me my last rights on my birthday when I was born. And I then was like, fuck it, I'm staying. I have stuff to do. And so my disability means I'm a wheelchair user. I can't walk, I don't have paralysis, I can feel everything, but I'm unable to walk. So people assume that because I'm a wheelchair user that means that I can't walk, that I just must not be able to walk.

And so for me, it just means that I need help with all my daily activities, like getting up, getting in my chair, getting dressed, going to the bathroom, all those things I have to. I have help for. And it's just something that I. That you incorporate into your life every day.

Yeah, I like, I liked hearing the story about your attendant, how you were. I just love the story when you described you were having. I think it was your last podcast. I think it was most recent one about the. The one that maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was from May. It was either May or your last one. But you were having sex with someone. You talked about your tenant coming over and how you were like, I'm having sex. Even proven your tenant. Your tenant. Right? Is that what you.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're like, I'm getting ready, I'm having sex. And like just so like, they knew too that you were having sex. Like, that you're preparing for a date, but they come over every day and take care of you. Like, this is what's Happening. And so I also thought it was interesting cause listening to your story about how just. Cause, okay, so I hear from people every single day, right, who have challenges around sex, who are like, I'm insecure because I don't like my body or my penis is small. So there are people who are, you know, in those ways, they're challenged, they're worried about their penis. But there's people who are, I'm just teasing you. But there's people, right? We all have these things are ahead and that you were like one moment in it and the other moment you're like, excited and then you're like, oh, I'm being able bodied. Like in ourselves, I feel like a lot of us are our own worst critics. In fact, we have like a mind jail that goes on. And I just, I could just so relate to that and hear my listeners going, yeah, like we all have these things in the moment where we're trying to have great sex. Then we take ourselves out of the moment and then you'd go back into the moment. And I just was listening. I'm like, to hear your connection and describing how you love the way he kissed your ear and how that made you feel. I just thought you're, you know, you got to keep putting yourself back into it. So what are your tools then for being more confident when you're actually having sex? Is there anything that you can talk about that.

That's a tough one because I, like, I, I don't think that I am confident when I have sex. I'm. I'm like, I'm a nervous wreck. I'm like, I may be acting confident for the person to, to make them comfortable, but inside I'm like, oh, fuck. Well, what about this and what about the next move and how do I, how, what about this position and how do I ask for this? And so inside I'm not confident. I'm having all the ableist fears that I'm not letting on because I don't want the other person to fear the disability. But I think you gain confidence by owning that you aren't confident. And so in a lot of my work, when I started working, I was initially like, oh yeah, I'm really confident. I'm the sexiest disabled guy. And that's how I started talking about my stuff. But now I'm like, oh no, I'm fucked up just like you. And I have insecurities about abc and I'm starting to be more open about my insecurities and how my disability interplays with Them. And being really honest about that breeds a sense of relief because I don't have to hide that anymore, right?

It is. I absolutely agree with you that we are even being a sex educator, I'm not perfect. It's not like I do everything right every time I have sex. It's just like, oh, it's amazing. Or even throughout my life. Like, the truth is the more vulnerable you you are, the more open you are. People realize, you know, we don't have to all walk around pretending that we're perfect all the time. We don't have insecurities and anxiety. I think all of us can relate to that. So.

Yeah, you're right.

That's a great thing to learn too. I'm sure it helped your business, probably get you more listeners as well. Like I would think that people can, because it's relatable, not get you, but you know what I'm saying? People are like, I can relate to that. Just like I listen to you. I was like, I feel everything that you felt in this moment.

Like which is, which is, I mean, and that's, that's the point. But I think the trouble is, and the thing that I struggle with in making this business is how do I realizing that I don't have to pander to a non disabled audience and realizing that I don't, that I didn't create this show just to make able bodied people feel better about sex and disability. Realizing that there's like a community out there, people who are listening, who are disabled and who.

The response from disabled people for this show that have said to me like, I listen to your show and I feel like I'm at home.

Yeah.

That makes me like well up with like joy because it means that no matter what else happens, if two people listen who feel that way. I've done my job.

Yeah.

And like to know that this little podcast that I started kind of as a, an experiment to see how far it would go has done that is like, wow.

Yeah, that's. I'm. Yeah, I'm really, I'm really excited for you. So that, that keeps you going. Now, what about dating? Let's talk about your dating life. What do you think people want to know when they're dating? So what do people need to know when they're dating someone with a disability?

I think.

Yeah. Your dating tips, the general.

I don't date lots anymore. I fuck around a lot. I don't, I don't.

Cool. How about having sex with someone disability?

I mean the last time I went and I'LL tell you my last dating story. I went on a date with a guy a few weeks ago. We went and had burgers. He was going to come back to my place and mess around. And we did that. It wasn't amazing and that was okay, but we didn't click and that was fine. And then two days, two or three days later, he messages me and says, oh, I just wanted to say hi. And it was around pride time. So he said, oh, happy pride. And I said, oh, thank you. And he says to me, well, I wanted to let you know that I can't. I don't think we should see each other again. I thought, oh, okay. Like, that's all right. I guess things didn't. Whatever. And I left it that. And he's like, I want you to know why. It's because you're not as independent as I would like you to be in bed. And I was like, okay. And he was like, yeah, so your disability is kind of an issue for me. And I wanted you to just know. And I was like, oh, like, I didn't need to know that. Why couldn't you just have, like, told me that you didn't want to hang out anymore? And I would have, like, gotten the hint, like, right.

So I mean, for you. So how did you meet him? So he. Was he not disabled?

We know he's.

He was able body, Able bodied.

Yeah. And we just met on an app and then we just started chatting and the chat was fine and we, like, we had cleared the fact that I was disabled. He knew there was no. Like, I didn't hide it. I didn't pretend it wasn't happening. I'm very, very upfront.

Right.

Like. And so he knew all that and it seemed okay. But then what I was surprised by and kind of upset by was why would you send somebody a text afterwards saying, like, right, here's. Here's all the reasons I can't see you again. And they're all based around the fact that you're disabled.

Right? Yeah. That's hurtful. And he probably thought, well, I'm not going to ghost. I'm going to say that. I'm going to say the right thing. But really, maybe better just to say thanks for.

I mean, yeah, you could have just said thank you again for coming out. And I don't think, like, I don't think we didn't work for me. And, like, that's a lot less painful than me. And I think why it's so upsetting is because disabled people hear this stuff. All the time we're constantly inundated with able bodied people's questions about our sexuality and the way that we, the way that our bodies work. And the very first question they want to know is, how do you fuck? How do you have sex? How, how, how is the only question we're kind of stuck on. And I wish people would ask us. How does it feel to be a sexually active disabled person? How does it feel to own your sexuality? How does it feel to have agency in, you know, in your, in the decision to fuck? Or how does it feel to not have access to your body? I wish people would really start asking that stuff because that's where, that's where sexuality and disability lives and how it feels. Because no one else is talking about that.

I agree. Yeah. Well, I want to know then. Can you tell me how it feels to have sex as a disabled person?

It's a complicated thing because I love sex. I love being sexual with somebody and I don't get that chance to do it very often. I talk about sex a lot. I write about sex, I podcast about sex. But actually having sex, I don't get to have it. Which is why my last podcast episode, I did a whole episode about how good the sex was because I very rarely get to have good sex.

What made it so good? What made it so good?

Because there was, I. I knew this partner a little bit. We knew each other. He knew what my needs were and there was no need to. I didn't have to like spend 25 minutes explaining to him what to do.

Right.

We just kind of fell into each other and that was nice. And I got to let go and relax a little bit. And usually because I don't have regular partners that I mess around with because people are afraid to engage with disability, usually if you're with a new partner, it's. You have to walk them through and hold their hand and make sure they're comfortable.

It's a lot of work.

Yeah, there's a lot of pre work beforehand. And so this was just a nice experience I had that was not. That had none of the fear. I could just like go and enjoy and that was. I hadn't felt that way in a long time around my sex. So that it was. I just wanted to share with the world. People need to know that these things, the positive sex stories around disability do happen. They're rare, but they're there. And I wanted, I just hope people should know about them.

I think it's great. And you also ask your listeners to submit some of their great sex stories as well. Right. Yeah.

I've started doing just to get more listenerships and to keep the show going and to keep myself interested, whatever reason.

Right. But it's interesting. Yeah. To hear other people's actual stories. It's inspiring. And for people who's listening to your show and are just like, yeah, I'm not having sex that often either. But you know what? If I do or when I do, it's give them the inspiration.

Yeah. And I mean, I did one. We did one a few months ago. We did one a few months ago when I first started doing the Minnesota, where I asked people to write in their funny sex stories and I would read them back and I got some that I was like, oh, my goodness, that's hilarious. And I just think to know that the community submitted stuff like that and wanted me to read it out loud and talk about it on the air was like, okay. People are clamoring for this. They want to. They want to prove to the world that they can be sexual too. And it's like, these stories were really funny, partially because you can only tell those stories if you're disabled. And so I was howling with laughter through half that episode because I was like, only a disabled person would have this happen to them.

I see. Again, that's why your show is serving purpose. It's relatable. I think it's useful to share people's stories. That's what we do. Like how, you know, we ask people if, like, their. It's like masturbation month. So it was like. Or masturbation month or anal. This is actually alternative August slash anal sex month, where it's like, what are your stories? Cause I think that even I learning, I'm like, God, you guys masturbate like that? That's interesting. I think that is how we learn from other people's stories. Okay, so, Andrew, do you want to help me answer some emails for my listeners?

Sure, I do. Yes, I would love that.

I would love it. Okay, cool. Well, first, let me take a quick break. We're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors. Thanks, everyone, for supporting the show. And we'll be.

Tell me about masturbation. Can we talk about masturbation with disabilities?

Yeah. Masturbation for me has been a new journey for me because when I was younger, when I was like a teenager and stuff, I could. I could easily masturbate. And my dexterity and my hands were a lot easier, so I couldn't masturbate.

Dexterity. But you said dexterity.

It could totally be dictated. It is dexterity though.

Kind of is.

You sort of.

Right, It's a new word.

Anyway, so my dexterity.

My dexterity.

You can take that.

Yeah, was a lot more. I had more movement of my hands. And as I've gotten older, because of my disability, the strength of my hands have lessened a little bit and the muscles become tighter. So the typical motion that penis having people have when they masturbate is to grab the shaft and go up and down. I could never do that. I could use my thumb, but because of the changes in dexterity, I can't really use my thumb anymore. So I've stopped masturbating because it's just too painful. And so sometimes now when I get aroused, I'll just randomly come sometimes. And it's super awkward to be like, oh, sorry, I had a moment there. Like. So my ideas around masturbation have changed, but my ideas around self pleasure have also changed because now I can have a pleasurable moment and not have to worry about touching my body.

But you still have it. You still have a release, you still have orgasm, but you're thinking your way there. And that's something you had to learn.

Yeah, and I'm still learning that. And it's like sometimes it'll happen at really inopportune moments, like, oh, fuck. How do I get like. And there is an embarrassment of like, how do I explain to somebody that I just came when I was like, I was watching Grey's Anatomy one day and I just came and I was like, what is happening? What? What? So learning to be present in a body that sometimes doesn't do what you want it to do. And that can be tough because I look at able, like able bodied queer people who like are constantly like wagging their, their genitals around something like in queer male communities, that's what's happening a lot of the time. And we're so hyper sexualized and I get really jealous because I'm like, I want to be able to like down to fuck whenever I, I am mentally, but physically I'm not. And that's as a disabled person. That's what's frustrating.

Right.

So the, the idea, like the idea that I could just wave up my dick and take a, a selfie like so many people do on these apps, is like, I wish that I could do that.

Right. Have you ever used like a stroke or anything? Or could you use anything else to help?

Well, just because my dexterity is so.

You can't. Okay.

I just couldn't And I have to. I'd have to, like, call one of my care workers in, which would be a super interesting conversation. Be like, hey, can you just set me up so I can jerk off?

Yeah, right.

Just because, like, there is. As open as I am, there is a sense of, like, I want this to be mine. I want this to be a private moment that I have that I don't. Where I don't have to involve somebody else. So, yes, I could totally call somebody and ask for that help, but I have no. I have. I ask for help in every part of my day, so I have no problem asking. But it's also the understanding that, like, this is my. This is mine, and I don't want to share this with you in any way. So sometimes you just don't get it.

I understand. That would not be easy an easy thing. So have you ever tried. I understand. Have you tried any. Have you tried any products? You know, like, there's some companies that make some, like, sports sheets. You work with sports sheets. They make slings and swings or toys or. Is that anything that you guys. That you talk about? I have a story to your audience.

Yeah, I. I did. I did test a Tang egg a few weeks ago on my show just to. Just to test, like, the dexterity of. Of the Tanga egg. And I had it on the air and I was playing with it. My fingers and seeing if. And talking about how somebody with a disability would be able to use it or not use it.

Okay.

And many of those toys because of dexterity.

Right.

A disabled person, at least in my position, with my level of disability, couldn't use. Now, somebody who had less disability might be able to. Or more dexterity could. Could do that, but I couldn't. Actually. It's funny, my sister who lives in Australia and I were working on a line of sex toys for people with disabilities that we're working on designing and we're doing research with RMIT in Australia right now to really create. Create a toy from scratch that is designed for and by people with physical disabilities.

That's amazing. I think you need it. How would you. What's the toy like? Can you tell me anything about it so far for men, for women?

I mean, there is no. There is no toy. We don't have anything yet. We're just doing the research right now. And actually.

We'Re looking for funding to do the research because we want to do it properly. And, you know, just slapping a strap on a dildo and then calling it an accessible toy isn't good. Enough. We wanted to go to disabled people and say, like, what are your needs? What.

Like, what gets you off? What's easiest for you, what's hardest for you? What's like. So we're doing that preliminary research to make sure that it's a. We've been calling it a disability driven design for the toy, which means that we put disability first. Like it's to. It's putting disability first. Because usually when, whenever anything is designed for a disabled person, it was usually designed for a not disabled person first and then adapted. This is saying, no, no, no. Disability is part of the process from square one. I don't want to say too much about the toys. I don't know if I'm allowed to, but, you know, it's going to take us a while to properly get something out there. But I'm really, really proud of the fact that it's first of all where my sister and I are doing it in a family way. So to involve a family member in this kind of work is really awesome.

I love it. Well, we want to hear about it and I think you should. Maybe you could do like a Kickstarter campaign or even start with like a survey on your site. Have people answer questions that you said you're kind of doing some research.

We have a GoFundMe right now.

Oh, good. See? Okay, let's all support you. Okay, where can we find it?

Awesome. If people go to gofundme.com and they actually, if they go to Deliciously Disabled CA and then click on donate, it'll take you to our GoFundMe page and you can throw a dollar in here and there.

Awesome.

And it's something that we're working on because we really want to. There's something powerful about being the first people to do that. And also to know that this could revolutionize how disabled people access their bodies is really cool.

Yeah, I think so too. I think it'd be great. And we'd love you to share that research with us as well when you get it back. And we'll put this link in the show notes people can find you because I think it is really useful. And I'm just thinking about now, like, how could you invent the stroker so it connects to your chair so you don't need your hands to get it to work for you? Like, I'm trying to think about that too. I'm actually like, huh, you're right. What could we do here? Like a remote control, like a sling that comes down with a toy. Let me Know how you go with it. I want you to find some good things for you. I. Okay. So, Andrew, do you want to help me answer some emails for my listeners?

Sure, I do. Yes, I would love it.

Okay, cool. Okay. If you want a question answered on the show, you can text ask Emily all one word to 797-979. Fill out the short form or go to my website, sex with emily.com. click on the Ask Emily tab and always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Okay. This is from Ben. He's 42. Dear Emily, I recently started hearing your podcast after I heard you on the Mind Pump podcast. I met my wife many years ago. We dated for seven years, have been married for three. My wife has severe medical issues. She was in a car accident at a young age and had to have part of her left arm amputated. She also has severe arthritis, affects her joints, leading to having both hips replaced. And with the surgery, she's gained weight. But now she can't really exercise. It's difficult for her to lose the weight. I think that she's beautiful and sexy. When we first started dating, we were able to have sex in a lot of positions, but now she's only comfortable in the spooning position. We've brought inflatable wedge pillows. Wedge pillows to get her into different positions. She was okay with them at first, but we don't use them anymore. I've gotten to the point where I'm bored of the position. I've asked her to try other positions, but nothing is really comfortable for her. She can't open hips too wide without being afraid a metal screw will break inside of her because it's happened once before. Are there any positions you can suggest that may work for her? So I needed your help with this one, too, Andrew. I thought you'd be great helping with this. This is Ben. He's 42. But first I just want to say, Ben, it sounds like you guys have really good communication and that you've really been able to work around it. But now it sounds like maybe she's just in a lot more pain or maybe she's nervous to start again and there might be. I don't know. What are your thoughts, Andrew? Because I feel like they've used the wedge.

That's a tough one. I don't know. I don't. First of all, that's a lot of information and I appreciate that Ben is telling his wife, telling his wife that she's still beautiful and that he's doing Those things and putting in the work to ensure that she's. That she feels emotionally seen and valued as best he can.

As a sexually active disabled person. I gotta say, I can't move in a lot of positions either. I.

Am in really. I have pillows and wedges too that I use for sex to keep my body comfortable. I've had a hip replaced. I have spinal fusion metal rods in my spine. Like so I understand what the fear she has. I'm also, you know, a person with a little bit more weight on me in the. In the belly area. So I understand that too. And I understand how all that impacts your desire to be sexy.

I don't really know if there's. If I have an answer in terms of how to. What positions that you get into. I would say maybe consider not having like penetrative sex. Consider. Consider like hand jobs and, and oral.

And I think you're so right. Yep. No, I agree. That was here listening because you're right. I was like, what could they do? I don't know. Maybe she's got a lot of fear because she did a metal screw already broke inside of her. But sounds like she might have some trauma as well. Like I would be afraid to have sex as well if I had these. If I had something happen. No, but I think, yeah, you know.

I deal with things like IBS and catheters too. So like there's a constant fear of like, oh no, what if something disability related happens during this supposedly passionate moment? Passionate, like how the do I deal with that?

Exactly.

I understand her fear, but I also can appreciate his. Ben's fear of being like, I want to just fuck my wife in a, in a loving, like in a loving I love you consensual way. I want to fuck my wife and not being able to and not having the lived experience of her body trauma. So I don't know if there's an answer, but I would just say like keep talking through, maybe suggest like. I don't want to suggest like say the counseling is like the only option. But maybe talking to somebody about her trauma and his like. Because her trauma becomes his trauma when he can't fuck his wife. That's not being able to love your partner in that way surely takes a toll on him.

Right. There's a lot of pressure here and maybe she could find. Maybe it's. They're massaging each other. Foot massage, making out again. You know, kissing goes a lot in long term relationships. I love kissing. Right. So you need a little bit of intimacy. Maybe they got to bring back some of that. So maybe she's feeling. Also a lot of times there's, like, a mismatch. Like, she might feel like, oh, he's coming near me again. I don't want to have sex because it could be painful. So they've gotten to this. Like, they're not even touching anymore. And I think couples forget they can separate both of those things, that they could actually do other things and have pleasure.

I think also, like, because I'm disabled, I've had to reimagine what sex looks like and what sex is and how sex feels. And so, like, sometimes sex for me is making out. And then I give a guy a hand job, he gives me a hand job, and we're done. That's it. But that was sex.

Exactly. No, you're absolutely right. I think that there are so many different ways to have sex and to be active and to connect with your partner. Absolutely right. And I. I'm a fan of therapy as well. If she's had some trauma around this or just in general communicating, understanding what her challenges are, if there is trauma, go to therapy. Huge fan. This is from Michael, 27, in Kentucky. Hey, Emily. I've been listening to your podcast for two months now. It's awesome and has taught me a lot. I'm a virgin and I'm planning on having sex soon. While I'm sort of nervous, I'm also excited. I'm not very well endowed, but, no, it's not a huge deal to women. My worry is I'm well below average when I'm flaccid, and it makes me insecure. I know my first time won't probably last long and I should focus on the foreplay. Should I be worried or insecure about my small penis size when I'm flaccid? Okay, Michael, here's the deal. I've never heard this before. When I read this, I'm like, I don't think I've heard a lot of men worried about their penis size. And side note, most people are not complaining about their partner's penis, so men worry about it a lot. I know you don't have that concern their hand, but anyway. God, I love making penis jokes with you. Okay, so. But I don't think that, Michael, you have to worry about it being flaccid. Most guys aren't big when they're flaccid. Like, that's the point. They're flaccid. And your partner's really not going to be thinking about that either. And it Is true. Focus on her pleasure, Focus on foreplay. Make sure she, you know, she's enjoying herself. Not get too inside of your head. So what do you think here? How do you get out of your head, though?

Well, I mean. I mean, I'm sit. I'm sitting down all the time. So really, like when I look at my penis and it's flaccid, it's up against the rest of my body. So it looks different because. Yeah, so like, I get his fear of, like. Oh, it's not. It looks weird because of. What if I get that in a different way? I understand. I also think that, like, he was talking earlier about, he's worried about performance and lasting long. I'll share a quick story about that. When I first had sex with somebody, my very first time with somebody, I came. He kissed me and I came. I was. It was done, finished, over. That was it. That was it. And I was so embarrassed.

And it was like, you're watching Grey's Anatomy or something.

Yeah, basically watching. Yeah. But I. He kissed me and I came and I was so embarrassed. But then we did it again and I had more stamina and it was fine. But I think even with partners now, there. There are moments where we'll have sex and neither of us will come and we'll still have the experience, we'll still do the actions. I think the emphasis that we put on the money shot and coming from porn and from popular media and the way it's talked about is really damaging. And for me as a disabled person, like, for a long time, all I wanted to do was I gotta make sure. I gotta make sure they come. I gotta make sure that I make them come. Because then as a disabled person, I will have done my job, I will have made a difference. And if I make them come, I'm gonna bed and it's okay. All that stuff is in your head. If you're enjoying yourself no matter what happens, and you make sure that your partner is also consensually enjoying themselves. And then it doesn't matter if fluids are exchanged, it doesn't matter if you come at all. If you're having a good time, then.

Exactly.

That's all it should be about.

That's great. You're so true. How did you gotta get outside your head, though? That's what we talk about so much on the show, is that just even if you gotta keep bringing yourself back to the moment, I think that a lot of us sit and we worry so much in the bedroom. How did you realize that? Like, it wasn't all about your partner's pleasure and your own. Like, how did you take that back? Cause I think it's actually more of a. Women, like women in heterosexual relationships, we're so much about pleasing men, Pleasing men, Pleasing men. And I'm constantly telling women, and I'm not saying men aren't like this also, but for. Typical that we were raised that way. Like, we were raised, it was about our partner's pleasure and not our own. So how did you finally take that back?

Some days. Like, some days they do and some days they don't. It's. It's really not something that you. It's never something you, you know, sexuality is not something you just changes overnight. There are moments where it's all about their pleasure. And there are moments where I've texted partners and said, like, all I want to do in this, this time together is make you come. And they'll say, no, no, no. Whatever happens, I'll say, no, no, I want to make you come. I want to. Please let me. Let me at least try. So I don't think I've taken anything back. I think that I. Because of my disability, I am. I have been forced to find other ways to enjoy myself. And I think sometimes it's much more about intimacy. So if I can be with the partner and they can just hold me for an hour and nothing happens, that's sometimes more powerful and beneficial to me than, oh, my God, we had all the sex and I sucked all the dick. And like, that's, like, that's great. But sometimes I agree.

Sometimes you just want to cuddle, you want to hang. Intimacy. I agree with you. It does switch in the moment. Like, we might think, I'm going to go into this and I'm going to have. I'm going to take my orgasm. But then you're in the moment with someone, you're like, you know what? Not this time. But the fact that you just have that consciousness around it that we all deserve our own orgasms, we all are responsible for it, and we have to take it. Instead of taking, just give. We have to think about that. We all pleasure. So I think that that's just important. Even if in the moment you might kind of say, not this time, you still know that in your heart that we all are responsible for it.

And I mean, maybe it's an emotional orgasm. And by that I mean, like, maybe it's not. If you didn't come everywhere and like, spray your seed across the world, maybe it's like you Just, it felt really good. And you. You feel fulfilled and now you. You were with somebody and shared a moment.

Still sex, too. Like, that's still intimacy. Yeah. Okay, so wait, real thing. Michael, let me just say that I don't think this is stuff that you have to worry about. And, you know, if you try not to get so in your head about when you're actually having sex, and if you are really worried, you know, I just think slow things down. My best advice for people who are never had sex before or starting out, slow down. Go five times slower than you think. I think that we get so nervous in the moment and we think, oh, my God, this is the night we have to make everything perfect and take out our clothes, rush through it. I think if you feel that happening, slow down. It's okay to stop and kiss. Kissing can be the whole event. That's fine too. So I wouldn't trip on this. Michael, you're gonna be fine. We're gonna do one more email. Cool with that?

Yep.

You with me? Okay. This is from Josh, 53, in Maryland. Dear Emily, I'm a bisexual, heteroromantic man who is married and monogamous with my wife for 28 years. She knows I'm bisexual. I've always wanted to have a physical relationship with another man. A buddy to grab a beer with, watch the ball game, and get each other off. I've been talking to a similar guy on social media and would really love to get to know him in person. Since I don't have romantic inclinations towards men, I think he and I would be friends. And like I am with my other friends, we just help each other orgasm occasionally. Am I being selfish? And is there any proper way I can discuss this subject with my wife without her feeling like I'm asking for permission to cheat on her? Okay, Josh, I read this and I'm like, okay, you've been together for 28 years, and I'm thinking she already knows you, you're bisexual, or you've been, you know, bisexual in the past. I feel like you gotta be honest with her. Just like you were on this email. Be honest with her. Let her know. Explain it exactly how you explain it to me. Email that you don't have romantic tendencies, that you really just want to get off, and then to hear what she has to say about it, you know, and if she gives you her blessing and you guys hash it out some more, first of all, really listen to her answer. I think we forget sometimes when we, like, have a conversation with our partner, it's really just like more of a monologue and not dialogue. So this is something big. You might be talking about Josh if you've never brought up. Listen to what she says. And if she says it's cool and it doesn't bother or maybe she needs some modifications on it, then move forward. But I think, I think you pretty spelled it out and I think for 28 years that you guys probably have those skills to talk about it. What do you think?

Yeah, I think the way that Josh laid it out in that email was so. I just love how I was giggling because I was like, it's so matter of fact. Oh, I'm gonna have. And it was so, like, it was cute because it was so. In the queer community, we call that like mask for mask. We call that like you're just. It's super like, bro y. Like, we're gonna have a beer, then we're gonna get. I know.

It was so bro y. Like, have a beer, flip on the game and jack each other. You know, jerk each other off.

Like, that's pretty much every queer man's fantasy. Right? There it is right there.

Right?

And I just think if you're honest with her and you say it as nonchalantly as you did in that letter. But again, like Emily said, listen to her answer. Because I. And I'm speaking as somebody who's never been in any kind of relationship long term, but I think if she knows you're bisexual and she loves you and wants you to explore that, I think you can talk about it openly. But I think you have to. I think you have to be ready for a longer conversation about what that means for her and what it might actually mean for you. Because you might. What if you're with this guy and romantic feelings do start to have, like, all that stuff needs to be explored before you do anything and just laid out in case something happens.

Good point. I think that's so important when you're having the coffee. I think you have to talk about what's going to happen after because she might not be cool. Like, she might say, you know, it needs to be a stranger, someone you met online. It can't be any of her friends. Like, she might have boundaries around it as well. So you're right. Kind of have mechanisms in place to manage this new part of your relationship. Good advice. Thank you so much, Andrew Gurza, for being on the show, for sharing all of your stories and talking to us about your podcast and your life as a consultant. Disability After Dark is yous Podcast. You're also a consultant consultant. Tell us where people can find you and anything else you'd like to share.

Yeah, they can find me at www.AndrewGirza.com on Twitter @ Andrew Girza or disaft Dark Pod.

I am available for consulting work and I give lectures and talks and stuff like that. So I'd love to talk to some of you and if you want to download the podcast, please do so. It's on every podcast platform. I want to get the numbers.

Up there and well, hopefully this will help.

You. Awesome, I'm.

Sure. And you're doing great work anyway, so keep doing it. Thank you so much Andrew for being real and open and vulnerable on the show and we'll put all this in the show notes. So thank you everyone for listening. Check out all alternative August survey and thank you to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me Feedback and sex with emily.com.

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