Dirty Talk

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? 'Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, that feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good, but you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

Sneak, you're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. Happy Free Friday everyone, thanks for joining us on our Free Friday show. We love having you here. It's been a great week of shows of Sex with Emily. You know we do shows Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, and Fridays is free for all. Free for all. Hey Menace, what up?

What's going on?

Oh my God, I'm so excited.

Voice level is so high. Oh, but that's fine.

Uh, are you judging me? It's fine.

I'm never judging you, ever. I never judge you.

I know, I love it.

What are you talking about?

So, um, yeah, it's our Free Friday show. I'm very excited. It's beautiful outside and there are so many hot men. Tiana, my intern, and I were walking here and it's like so many hot men in downtown San Francisco. Do you ever notice that?

Something that I would totally be interested in.

Well, there's hot chicks too, but we weren't checking them out. I'm just saying, I love a man in a suit. You fall over.

Yeah, men in suits with a pinky ring. You're real— you're really into that.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

It was so funny. One time I was with this girl and, um, she's like, oh yeah, I'm gonna— I'm gonna meet up with this guy and, uh, I want you to— I want you to be around when I meet up with him. Uh, we're gonna go out. We were like having a pre-meeting, something with work, and then she was gonna go out with this guy. Guy shows up wearing a suit, and the guy was wearing a pinky ring. And then I said to her, I go, is that guy a car salesman?

Oh, menace.

And she's like, he's a used car salesman.

For real?

For real. See, I can spot— I can spot—

I don't— never dated a man with a pinky ring ever in my life.

I'm pretty good. Like, I can look at—

not that there's anything wrong with that. I do not judge.

I can— I can look pretty much look at them and know what they do.

Okay.

Or have a kind of get close.

You think?

Yeah.

You got that? Yeah, like, you know, so all your ex-girlfriends with fake boobs, I'm gonna probably think they're strippers.

Well, now, but they didn't have fake—

oh, they weren't strippers then?

Oh, I've never had them.

You did. I know.

I never had— I never dated a stripper.

Okay, but they all have fake boobs. Not that that means anything. Um, someone asked me if I had fake boobs yesterday. Someone's like, are you— are they real? Wasn't that nice? Because they're so real.

Why would they ask you that?

I don't know. They're like, "Oh, I thought they were fake." Were you showing extra cleavage? Well, kinda. Not on purpose. It wasn't on purpose. It was like a totally not purposeful thing. Let me tell you about today's show. So—

'Cause you never do that.

I never do what?

Show cleavage.

I never show cleavage or talk about the show. I do show cleavage sometimes, but here's the deal. Today's show, we're so excited. So as we've been talking about all week, we were at the Treasure Island Music Festival last weekend, which was awesome. And next week you're gonna get to hear the live show that we did there. It's this amazing festival. There was lots of art pieces. And lots of amazing bands and stuff like that. And we did this confessional booth and it was called Carnal Confessions. And people came from— we got hundreds of people who wrote their confessions on the wall, which is hanging in our office right now. We read some of them the other day. But the other thing we were doing was a raffle and we had hundreds of people sign up for the raffle. And what we're giving away are these Jimmy Jane, jimmyjane.com, awesome, the most awesome toys, the most awesome products on the market right now. And here's some of them. We've got the 3 that we're giving away here. And then we've got everyone's— we're literally, we're not rigging this. Here's everyone's email addresses and we're gonna pick a winner today.

Really good.

And we're gonna let them know. And plus they win 2 copies of my book, which I forgot to bring today, but you've all heard me talking about my new book, which came out last week. It's called Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight, and you can buy it at Amazon if you don't win the raffle. And then we're also talking about dirty talk today.

Good.

How to talk dirty. And we're reading your emails and we've got sex in the news and I'm just excited for today's show.

I love Fridays.

Very excited. Very excited. So what have you got going on this weekend?

This weekend? Well, I'm DJing a birthday party tonight. Tonight?

Should I come?

No. Why?

I don't know.

If you want to, yeah.

Why don't you want me to come?

No, I'm just saying if you want to.

Tell me why.

I don't know. I don't really know if it's your scene or not.

You don't know my scene. You think my scene exists in the Napa Valley drinking wine, and you're wrong.

Yeah, but it's not like an ultra lounge or anything like that.

It's gonna be like massive sweaty bodies?

No, but it's like, you know, maybe a little dive bar-ish.

Dude, I love dive bars.

You don't slum like that. You say you do, but you don't.

You have this sense of me that is so not who I am.

What are you talking about?

So you're DJing. Do you get laid 'cause you DJ? Like, girls like the DJs mixing it.

Uh, yeah, they do. I don't know, I never— I don't know. I never try to go try to—

I wanna follow you tonight. Just like, not get drunk, just watch you and see— watch how you play with the women. Can I hook you up tonight? No. Can you hook me up tonight? If I come, do you have any cute friends that you could fix me up with?

Oh yeah, I could probably. But see, the thing is, I just don't— I don't even like talking to people in this setting. I know, because the loud music and stuff.

You don't like talking to people in this setting either.

I know, but it's just like, how, how do you hold the conversation with that going on?

Because it's so loud and crowded and stuff.

Where's it at? Intoxicated.

If people are listening, are they invited? Is it an open party?

Yeah, it's open party.

Where is it?

It's at Milk Bar in San Francisco.

Milk Bar in San Francisco. So if you're listening, go see Menace tonight.

He's DJing.

Yeah, he's gonna be a sexy DJ. Yeah, I like DJs.

You can play old '90s hip-hop music. Okay, not underground, more fun, like your Digital Underground and Humpty Hump and stuff.

Okay, how long— what time— what time are you DJing?

I'm gonna start the party at 9. I'm gonna DJ from 9 to 10, and then I'll probably DJ again later.

Okay, good to know. Well, maybe I'll show up. You never know.

You should.

I know I should. And then this weekend I'm totally around. I got a baby shower tomorrow. My friend got pregnant, so that's what you got to do, go to baby showers, which I kind of dread.

How'd that go?

How'd she get pregnant, or how'd it go?

How'd she get pregnant?

Um, have I taught you nothing?

No, no, no.

To be honest, she got pregnant on her own.

Oh, really?

Yeah, in vitro or whatever.

Why? She just— she could have just found a dude.

It wasn't happening for her and she wanted to have a baby. So that's the deal. And then I've got a party.

Should I have given her my sperm?

Yeah, she's cute. But she was just like, I'm doing it. Lots of women are doing that these days.

Where'd she get the sperm?

I don't know. Walgreens?

No, from like a friend?

I think so. I don't actually know the whole story. I haven't talked to her in a while. I just know she's pregnant. That's all I know.

Really?

And then I might have a date Saturday night, but I'm not sure. And then I'm going to New York next week, but we have a bunch of new shows for you next week.

You're not taking me to New York, my favorite place in the world. Do you wanna come?

It's cool.

It's my birthday next week. That's fine.

I'm missing your birthday on Friday. It's Friday, right?

Yeah.

Oh, what do you want for your birthday?

Nothing.

I know what you want. I'm gonna get it for you. Oh, you know what you got for your birthday? I have it right here.

What?

A Tenga masturbation sleeve. The Tenga 3D. These masturbation sleeves are so hot. You think sex toys are just for women? Check out these masturbation sleeves you can get. They're 3D. That's the name of them, Tenga 3D. Their website is Tenga.co.jp. If you want to check them out, they're the hottest new toys. And men can use them. You use lube and these little nubby— it's rubber and it feels really good on your penis and has holes on both sides. So you can— some of them do, maybe they don't.

No, they do. Oh, not on both sides.

On both sides, on one side. And you put it over your penis and you masturbate, and it's just like a whole nother experience. And this part— and they have different ridges on them. This has bumps, ridges, and you can pick which one you want. And, uh, use it on your penis. So I think that that's what I'm getting you for your birthday. All right, here you go.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I like—

happy birthday!

Say the website.

I didn't wrap it.

Say the website one more time.

It's Tenga. T-E-N-G-A dot co dot JP, like Japan. They're based in Japan, so you know all the cool stuff comes out of Japan.

And so I just made a sound.

Oh my God, they're really— I think— will you try it? Just, just to say It's just, just, just to— because seriously, what if it takes your masturbation experience to a whole new level? I mean, toys for men, it's awesome. So I think you should do that. Okay. Uh, I think you should check out the Tenga, and, um, that's your birthday present. But I'll get you something else too. I got something else in mind. We also have a new poll, um, it's been up for a few days. We're going to read the results next week. Where is your— where's your favorite place to have a quickie?

Favorite place to have a quickie?

An alleyway, an elevator, an airplane, in the car, or in the bathroom? You already answered this the other day, but I can't remember what you said.

All of them.

Yeah, me too, except for airplane. I'm not into the airplane sex.

Why not? Well, not commercial, but if it's private—

Well, I've had— I've flown private. I've never had sex on a private jet.

Of course you've flown private.

I flew private to Italy once.

Oh my God.

And it was pretty amazing. I didn't even want to get off the plane. I was like, I don't care that we're in Italy. They like flew in sushi and we had like every magazine. It was amazing. I had a bed. So those were good times when I used to fly private to Italy. And now I'm flying coach to, um, New York next week. So I'm gonna be, yeah, promoting my book in New York, Hot Sex.

Sweet.

Yeah, it's gonna be really, really good. So do what—

you know any, uh, how long you're gonna be?

A whole entire week. But we still have new shows. We've recorded shows, so just don't worry. We have new shows every day next week.

Is there any places you're gonna visit in New York?

Um, I'm going to visit the Museum of Sex. I'm actually having a party at the Museum of Sex Friday night on your birthday from 6 to 8 PM for my book. If you're in New York, come. And then 8 to 10 AM that same day, Friday the 28th, at Babeland.

Okay.

Yeah. And then I'm going to— oh, I'm going to be on a bunch of radio shows promoting my book, and I'm going to see a bunch of friends and go shopping and hang out. I'm staying in SoHo, and you're welcome to come. I got a place for a week.

Okay. I have friends in New York.

And I might have a date. My friend's a matchmaker and she's gonna fix me up on a date. In New York.

With a New Yorker?

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Why not? I like New York guys. They're aggressive, they're assertive, they ask you out. Unlike guys in San Francisco who don't necessarily ask you out. They're like, like you.

But do you know what's cool? Actually, a New Yorker might be good for you because I'm not bagging on New York women because I love New York women. They're fashionable, they're trendy, they're awesome, but they're very loud, very loud, that, you know, a guy from the Bay Area would be afraid of. But you're very loud.

I'm very loud. So what the hell?

You're right. This would be good for you.

I think it will be good for me. I like New York guys. I like— I love New York. I'm loud. Yeah, all the time.

Your volume level is just—

I know, it's always been that way since I was a kid. Like, I was the one in third grade everyone would be talking around me, right? We'd all be whispering in the back, and the teacher would say, "Emily, stop talking!" And I'm like, "Everyone else is talking!" But my voice was so high, I sounded like I was sucking on helium when I was little. I talk like this, and she would hear— everyone could hear my voice over everyone else's. So I'm used to being the loud one, which is kind of a bummer.

Well, have fun in New York.

Thanks, I'll miss you terribly.

Don't stay at the W because I'll be pissed.

I'm not at the W.

All right, cool, because I've always wanted to stay at the W at the Times Square, in Times Square.

Oh, it's really nice.

I've stayed there before. Because you know me, I'm really into the W Hotel. They're not a paid sponsor, but I love them.

I know, they should be a paid sponsor. I've stated that one.

All the mentions. All the mentions.

I know, Madison, that's how she gets you a room at the W for your birthday. I don't know. Okay, do you wanna do some sex in the news, darling?

Go for it.

Okay. Study claims that more than 50% of women are attracted to other women. Boise State University claims that 60% of heterosexual women are sexually attracted to other women, and by women they mean Beyoncé. The study, which polled 484 straight women, also discovered that 45% of women have enjoyed a same-sex kiss, with 50% of women admitting to having sexual fantasies about other women. The professor says— who headed it— says women are encouraged to be emotionally close to each other That provides an intimacy for romantic feelings to develop. That would explain why all girl-girl pornos start with the actresses in their footie pajamas sharing their innermost dreams and aspirations over a pint of Ben Jerry's. Well— Do most chicks you know hooked up with another woman?

Yeah, I mean, not to the extent where they've, you know, any penetration was involved, but—

They didn't lick their—

Yeah, but they've made out and stuff like that.

Their fingers?

No, they haven't licked vaginas.

Is this the sign for vagina? It can be.

I get— no, but you— I need to lick it. I'm not doing that.

I don't do things like that. But what were you gonna say about, you know, women who—

Yeah, I know a ton of women that just make out with other women, and I do know women that hook up with other women.

Right, it's totally norm.

Yeah, and because, I don't know if you know this, but women are hot, man.

I know.

You know, guys—

I know, we're like pretty and soft.

Guys not so hot.

Guys not so hot, but women are like hot, hot, hot. I know.

Yeah.

I've had my experiences.

So I can understand if women wanna make out out with other women because they're good-looking.

Good-looking, that's right. So that's an interesting study, 50%, who would have thunk it? Okay, I would have thought it though. Women are more likely to sext than men according to a recent study. A professor at the— professor at the University of Nebraska says that two-thirds of women surveyed sent such missives compared with roughly half of the men. Although for reasons to be explained later, these results are not the most scientific, Cheating is alive and well and sexting is on the rise. But I don't believe the internet is causing people to cheat. There seems to be something going on with marriage that's the bigger social issue. People before would just get a divorce. For some reason, people are staying in relationships and cheating instead.

That's stupid.

So it says they are sexting and cheating. It says surveying users of a website for swingers is not compared to da da da. Anyway, whatever. We're sexting more and we're cheating more. That's an interesting thing that people are not leaving marriages, they're just like sexting people and that, I guess that's considered cheating to some people.

Sexting? Yeah, that's— I guess that's cheating.

It says women are more likely to send nude photographs or sexually explicit text messages than men. About two-thirds of women surveyed sent the message.

Our intern is shaking her head no, that it's not cheating.

What?

Look, if you're talking about—

if you're in a committed relationship and you're sending naked photos of yourself to another dude or another woman, you're cheating.

Talking about banging, I don't know. Yeah, it's very hard to find line for me. Cheating because I hate throwing in, oh, emotional cheating. Like, if a girl— my girlfriend is talking to some guy about some, you know, problems that she's having with me or whatever, right? I don't really care about that. I think that's stupid. I don't think it's emotional cheating, right? Whatever, blah blah.

But if the emotional infidelity, they call it, yeah, which is dumb, right?

Right. No, no guy's gonna say I was emotional infidelity, that's stupid. That's things that chicks say. But if it is, you know, has a ton of sexual content in it, even though if they're not actually doing things, I don't think that's cool.

I don't think it's cool either.

I don't know if I— actually, I wouldn't even know if I would say, oh, you're cheating on me. I just wouldn't think that was cool.

And I just— not cool. Yeah.

And I would just like 86 you from my life.

I think the thing about sexting is that it feels like you still get that rush. Like, you know, they say that when you get a text message or email message, and mostly text messages, that you get a serotonin rush, which is like the chemical that makes you feel happy thoughts. And so if you get— so you're sexting, you sort of get that same rush as if you're having an affair. Like, it feels that same— I mean, you're not having penetration, but you get like that rush of an email of someone telling you you're hot or beautiful or they miss you or they want you. And that, that to me is cheating. But I get why people are doing it more, because it— you really feel good. It's like taking a Prozac.

It's just people being attention whores, that's it.

I'm not doing it. Okay, don't take your daughter to Texas. 1 in 10 11-year-olds has had sex in Texas.

1 in 10?

Whoa. A recent study shows that the number of kids having sex while they are still in middle school, with 1 in 10 6th graders having already had sex by the age of 11 or 12 years old. What is up with Texas? Texas is such a strange state. Texas and Florida, man. The numbers jump from there with 22% of 7th graders having had sex and increasingly by roughly 10% each year after that. Where are their parents?

I do wanna go to the Midwest and find a girl though.

Honey, we're good peeps.

In the Midwest, hot chicks, they don't know that they're hot. They don't know that they're good looking. Here on the coast, New York, freaking San Francisco, LA. If a girl is even halfway decent, she's taking modeling photos and they're up on her Facebook.

Really?

Like, yeah.

It doesn't happen in the Midwest, you're right. Well, Midwest, they're probably all married by now too. Like, all my high school friends are married with kids.

Yeah, it doesn't— it doesn't go down like that. And they're way more approachable. They don't think they're the shit.

Why don't you move to Michigan? We have tons of listeners in Michigan.

The only problem about moving to Michigan is I would have to live in Michigan. It's freezing.

It's true. Why do you think I moved out here? But it's true, Chicago girls, girls from Indiana, wherever, we're like good Midwestern stock. Like we grow up with good values, like, yeah, I get it.

I would love to import one here.

There's plenty of them here. I'll hook you up with a Midwestern. Is that your criterion? Midwest?

I need a Midwest girl. No, but I don't want any ones that have been here for a while.

Like me? Like I no longer have my Midwestern street cred is what you're saying?

No, no, you have—

It's still in here, baby.

It's still in here. You have your, your, I moved here from the Midwest, so I'm trying out every wacky thing. San Francisco has to provide, and that's who I am.

It is who I am now.

And then I ain't down with that, right?

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but, um, I am very much a Michigan person. And yeah, okay, Justin Timberlake and Justin Biel are in love. Just Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are in love. Apparently they broke up a few months ago, but now they're in love. Justin Timberlake wasn't wanting for beautiful women at Thursday's premiere of his action thriller In Time in LA, where Co-stars Amanda Seyfried and Olivia Wilde stunned on the red carpet. He and one-time fling Wilde, 26, even sat side by side. But after the screening, Timberlake headed to the afterparty at a private home in Beverly Hills and partied with another stunner, on-again love Jessica Biel. They're back together.

I love Jessica Biel. She is a sweetheart. I've— I actually met her in New York.

You did?

I met her in New York and she was really nice, really funny, really cool.

Good.

So thumbs up on Jessica Biel.

Oh good.

But it's just like, you know, JT, like, dude, you get with hot chicks all the time. This is like, settle down with one.

I know, but maybe he's got commitment issues. I'm sure they all want to settle down, you know what I'm saying? But, but they doesn't want to.

Okay, I idolize JT.

He's awesome.

I'll not talk crap about Justin Timberlake.

I think he's awesome. He really proved himself after being like a mouse.

I don't want to hear about what a girl thinks about him because of course—

why do you think he's so great?

I just think that he's really talented. I honestly think that he's really talented.

I do too.

That in music and in, um, in movies and clothing.

He made a clothing line, right?

He's super funny and stuff like that. And, you know, I gotta support him because you know what he also has?

What?

He has his own tequila.

He does? You love tequila.

Yeah, so he— yeah, it's 901 Tequila.

Okay, have you tasted it?

I have yet to taste it because it's kind of hard to find, but now it's out more.

Okay.

Like, it was only available in a couple cities, but now it's getting out around the country more.

I did not even know. Everyone's doing a— we should do a brand of something something.

I know.

I know, man. Okay, that's what I got for Sex in the News, unless you've heard anything, or unless you have any of your own sex in the news, like you had sex last night or something.

I had so much sex last night.

Did you?

Um, yeah, I guess.

Anything happening on the Jersey Shore I need to know about?

Well, there was this— I mean, it's the big thing. I didn't get to watch the episode last night because I went to bed super early, but this is what happened. Gianni, who is Snooki's boyfriend— remember I told you that time that he traveled all the way out there to Italy? Yeah, and then she was acting like a hoochie up in the club. She was like showing off her ass, right? And he doesn't like that. He's much more Reserve. Yeah, and he got upset. He wasn't even there 24 hours and he took off and he flew back home.

Oh my God.

So they were fighting, they were fighting over the phone, and then she goes, so are we together? And he's like, he's like, he broke up with her. Within an hour of breaking up with her boyfriend, she got in bed with Vinny, another cast member, and hooked up with him.

Had they never hooked up before?

No, they've hooked up before. But goes there and sleeps with him.

Are they just doing this for television or it's real? No, it's real. I mean, she really did it, but she's like over her boyfriend and I'm gonna have sex— or they're just drunk?

Yeah, she said— see, then she claims, "Oh, I blacked out. I didn't really know if we had sex or not." They black out in every episode.

No wonder why people love this show.

Yeah, but I'm just saying, uh, so that was the whole deal because then she— all the other castmates, all the female castmates were ragging on her like, "You gotta tell." because she was like, I really want to be with Johnny, blah blah, I love him, and blah blah, he's my man, and all this stuff. They go, well, you know, I don't know if he's gonna take you back after you just hooked up with—

right, he's gonna see it, right?

Yeah. She's like, you got to call and tell him. There's like, there's no way he's staying with you. So she calls up and she tells him, and then he's like super pissed, and then they call back again and he goes, all right, we're together.

Oh God, these kids. I'm sorry I even asked, really. That's crazy.

I would be like, no effing way.

I know, but he probably wants to— I don't know, maybe she's not even that cute, is she?

Really snooky. She's looking better. She's in shape.

Oh good, they all get in shape on television. Okay, let's get into some, um, emails. All right, all right.

Okay.

Does penis size matter? If so, is there any such thing as a man obtaining a bigger penis through penis exercise? This is signed Wes in San Leandro, California.

Oh, in the Drow.

In the Drow.

It's called the Drow.

It's called the Drow? I never heard that before. Well, Wes, here's the thing. Does penis size matter? It, it, it might matter to some people, doesn't matter to all people. I know a ton of women who are totally fine with penis size. I think that it's— penis size is an obsession that men have.

They—

men harbor this obsession over their penis. And I can tell you, after talking to many, many women, very, very rarely have I ever heard anyone like really complain about a penis So if you think your penis is too small, I'm sure it's just fine. I wouldn't, I wouldn't worry about it. But, um, I seriously think it is a male issue because of all the questions I get. I've received thousands of emails over the years. I've never had a woman say my boyfriend's penis. I very rarely, maybe once or something like, I hate his penis, didn't satisfy me. So people are more obsessed with it. Maybe it's seriously, it doesn't happen that much. But here's the, here's my response to you is that exercise, they, there are, we did have a guy on the show last year. Do you remember this? He wrote a book called Exercising Your Penis.

Yeah.

And the truth is, it allows you— there are these exercises that you can do, and it allows more blood into the penis, so it becomes engorged and it seems like it's bigger, but it's temporary. Exercising the penis itself is pointless. The penis contains smooth muscle, smooth muscle, not the kind of muscle that gets bigger with exercise. Now, there's people that claim differently. He wrote a book on it. He shows, like, people's penises getting bigger. I'm not gonna say that any of this stuff works or not. I don't have a penis. If I had a penis, I would try probably to grow it just for fun. But, um, usually it's just a temporary thing if you use like these penis pumps or whatever. You can use, um, like C-rings. These rubber-shaped donut-sized devices tightly encircle the erect penis, and they're typically— men use them to maintain an erection, and they also provide a small temporary size boost.

I do, uh, have a friend who had a penis technique to grow your penis that did very well, and it didn't actually have any, um, negative response.

He had a penis— what?

He had a technique that he sold that, um, basically he broke it down and used actually transsexuals as an example. Transsexuals usually sit on their penis, they like twist it around in a different way, and their penis actually supposedly gets longer.

So that's like part of the technique of doing these exercises and stuff like that. There's all these techniques.

I've heard of things, never tried them.

Right. But, uh, I don't want to say you could try them. There's a lot. In fact, like there's penis pumps, there's stuff like that. And I just don't, I don't have a penis. I don't know. I had, there's tons of studies that say it does work. I'm still skeptical.

Yeah.

Um, there's also the penis pumps. These plastic tubes create a partial vacuum around the penis and the, and the vacuum draws blood into the organ resulting in a temporary size enhancement.

Yeah. I would try exercises first before you get into any type of machinery.

Right, right. Exactly. I'd be careful. But I do have some penis pumps at my house that were sent to me, so if you want a penis pump, email me feedback@sexonly.com with your address. I'll send you one, see if it works.

Oh, sweet.

Yeah, they sent me a bunch of them if you want one too. I'm sure your penis is totally, um, cool, awesome. But, um, okay. Dear Emily, my husband and I have been together since high school, 16 years. At first, the sex was great. We had sex 3 times a day and it was hot. After I had children, the thought of sex completely left my mind. My husband wants sex all the time and I just don't think about it. But when we start having sex, I'm all in. I'm just having problems with getting there. I love my husband and I'm really attracted to him. However, I do not find myself attracted anymore— attractive anymore. When you're used to being tiny and then you have kids, it takes a toll on your body. And I just don't feel sexually attractive, so I think, how can he want to have sex? This is from Candy from Moxie, Washington. Okay, Candy, there's— this is a loaded email. There's so much in here. So the first thing is, I totally get that the sex was great before you had kids. You felt great, you felt sexy, and then you have kids, and not only do you not feel great about your body right now, but you're also— you have kids and you have other responsibilities, and your libido could take a dive. So I would also get checked out by your doctor, just make sure everything's in place, your libido, your hormones are back to normal. And then I would say that it's really common for women, even women who aren't going through what you're going through, like a new baby, to not to want to have sex. They're just not aroused. They don't feel it. But studies show that if you just start having sex— like, I know you're saying it's hard to get there, but just like going through the motions and you're like, okay, I don't want it, I don't want it, but you just start making out or doing the things that you like, you'll get in the mood. So most women aren't like men— 0 to 60, they're ready to go. Yeah, women, we need more warming up. So I would also talk to your husband. What does turn you on? I mean, do you need more foreplay? Do you need to make out for a while before? Do you feel like he just like comes up to you with a hard-on and tries to stick it in. That wouldn't turn me on either, but it's okay for you to ask your husband for what you want. Now it's okay for you to say, I need a foot massage. I need you to rub my back. I need to make out for a little while. I need you to go down to me or whatever it is to get you in the mood. It's his job too, just cuz he's ready. So I would say that. And then I would say you don't feel attractive anymore. I'm sure obviously your husband still finds you attractive. Um, start going to the gym, get, do things that you need to do for yourself. You have to take time for yourself after kids. I know everyone thinks the kids come first. Kids are very important, but if you don't feel good about yourself, it's gonna make sense that you're not gonna feel like having sex.

And I was just talking about this today with my assistant, and I'm not saying she's not doing this, but I was looking over, uh, a bunch of photos of women that I went to high school with that are— that now have babies and stuff like that, and they're so busted. Like, do you not, like, try to doll yourself up at all when you're pregnant?

I think you're just busy. You have kids and you're, like, busy.

And you're like, I know you're busy, but you're still a woman, right? Women are into making themselves look good.

Sometimes it takes a while for them to get back to it, but I would say, Candy, take your time. Go to the gym. I know it's so easier said than done, but you got to start working out. You got to start eating healthy and doing the things that make you feel good. But go to your doctor too and check out, make sure that your levels are good.

Perfect example, actually. I just— this just came to me. I was watching a reality show with, um, Kendra Wilkinson. She's the ex ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend of Hugh Hefner, right? And her show, she was doing one of her— she was setting up one of her friends on a blind date, right? And her friend had a kid, and she's like, okay, we gotta doll you up, right? And this— her hair was all ratty, no makeup, clothes are all frumpy and stuff like that. And after they dolled her up, she looked amazing.

Really?

She looked super hot.

Yeah, but not every woman can afford to go get get a makeover on television.

Yeah, but it doesn't, it doesn't cost that much. You don't have to buy the, the finest.

I know, just put some makeup on, brush your hair, right? Go to the mall, have them do your makeup at the department store before you go out, like before you go home one night, and start doing things in your relationship. Like talk to your husband about sex. Like, have you shared your fantasies yet? That's really important. But you're right, the women, makeup, a little bit of this and that, that can help. Yeah, you're right.

You know what we have to do? What?

We have to get into our sex topic and we have to pick the winners to our contest. Maybe we'll do that now. Pick the winners. So, okay, here's our jar. This is totally not rigged. This is from everyone who went to the Treasure Island Music Festival. We had like, I don't know, 500, 600 people who— who—

yeah, there's a lot in there.

There's a lot in here.

So, okay, let me help you shake it up.

Yeah, shake it up, menace. All right, shake it up, baby. Okay, the first prize is going to be a Form 3 from Jimmy Jane. This is a rockstar vibrator. It looks— it— the— your hands move wherever the vibration is. It looks like tongue, um, and your hands can move where the vibration goes. It's, um, it's made by— what was I gonna say? I can't even explain it. I just know it reminds you of a tongue, and that's not so bad, okay? And it's a, um, Form 3. It's waterproof, rechargeable vibrator, and Jimmy Jane products are amazing. Amazing and like the best on the market right now. So, um, first person, and Tana, I'm going to give you whoever I pick out and you can stick it on here so we know this person won the Form 3. Ready? Okay, drum roll please. Okay, Dana. This is Dana Benke and doesn't say where she's from. We just have her email address. Congratulations, Dana, you won a sex toy, a sex toy, a Form 3.

Happy Friday!

Happy Friday! It's Free Friday, Free Sex Toy Friday. Okay, the next one is a Form 6. This is also an amazing toy. It's a, it's, um, phthalate-free, medical-grade platinum silicone, cordless recharging. The charging mechanisms with Jimmy Jane products, you can leave these products out and just like leave them by your bedside and they're beautiful. Like the charger, the way they work. And, um, this is just an amazing vibrator and it's, uh, has cordless charging. Can you see that? Okay, so let's pick another winner. Pick a winner.

What you got?

We got Steve. Can't read his last name, but we have your number and we'll email you. Steve, congratulations, you won the Form 6. Okay, we've got one more. This is a rock star. This is the Form 2. Okay, the Form 2, this is also a vibrator. These go— can go on either side of your clitoris. It feels amazing. And the charging is great, and it's a— it's, uh, it kind of became known during naming as a little perky. You can use yours wherever you like, but it is good for the clitoris. It's good for clitoral stimulation, and it's a beautiful vibrator. I have all of these, by the way, and I love them. Next one.

All right, Emily.

And Emily won.

Emily Ritter, you got the Emily market cornered over at that place.

It was funny because when we were doing the booth, tons of Emilys came up and took pictures under the sign because we had a big Sex same time. So congratulations to all the winners of the Jimmy Jane products. Now I've got to give away— I forgot to bring a copy of my book, but 2 people won copies of my book, Hot Sex. It's called Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight, and you can find— buy it on Amazon if you don't win. All right, okay, the winner is Crystal.

I don't know if I should—

Crystal something, and, uh, she's in the 650. And Crystal, congratulations, you win a copy of my book, Hot Sex. And then we've got one more. Okay, Jordan. Jordan, that's all we got is Jordan.

All right, Jordan.

Jordan, congratulations, you won a copy of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight. Yay, all the winners! That was awesome! Isn't that exciting? Okay, so check that out. You people are very lucky because these are the coolest toys ever, and my book rocks. Okay, we've got some, uh, dirty talk tips.

What is that?

How do you feel about talking dirty, darling?

Love it.

What are you wearing?

Do it all the time.

Do you really?

No.

Okay.

Well, no, but I'm, uh, I, uh, it's hard to initiate as a man.

Why? You don't know? She might slap you.

We're like, oh, this guy's a creep, he's a perv.

Right, I get it, you know. Yeah, but, but so why do—

why don't women open it up a little bit more? Because, you know, you know you want it.

You know, a lot of women like it, some women don't like it, but we're going to talk about ways to, um— it can be a little daunting at first, right? Because you don't know where to start. So you don't have to start with like, I want to fuck you in the— it doesn't matter. Like, you can—

that's how your friends talk.

Well, my friends have more experience. Were you referring to my friend that called in that day?

Yeah, she said that she had dumpsters of man juice inside her. That was a classy lady.

She's hilarious. Okay, so the thing is, try to stick to positive words and leave out the commonly used insult words out when you're just starting. So yeah, like, don't be like, you're a bitch, or whatever, you know.

You whore.

You whore. Dirty talk comes under the encouragement category. When she or he sees something that you like doing very much, she'll be more interested in doing it more. So there's certain things that you can say, like positive words. Like I would, like, you could say what you want. Like, I want your hands all over my body. I can't wait to feel your tongue on me. You kind of verbalize the things that you want. That's like a great way to start. Kiss me there. That feels good. More of that. Don't stop. Your tongue makes me feel so hot. These are just some examples of how to start. So think about the things that you like your partner doing to you. Like, it feels like what I would do is like, I love when you grab my ass or something. Like, it feels so good when you grab my ass.

You would text that?

No, this is not texting. This is dirty talk during sex.

Oh, okay.

I'd be like, I love the way your hands feel on my body. I can't wait to taste you. Um, like, your kisses are amazing. Or, I mean, it doesn't have to be while having intercourse.

Yeah, while in the middle of— while having intercourse, you would say that? Say it again.

I'd say I think grab my ass. Which one?

No, any of them. Just— yeah, I— you would put in, I love when you grab my ass.

I feel like grab my ass, or I would say grab my ass. That's good.

Yeah, I was just— I would just want to clarify that, right? Like, I like it because you saying I love when you grab my ass while we're making out is just kind of weird to me. Say, oh, can you—

well, not when we're making out, but when we're having sex, I could be like, I want you to grab my ass. It feels so good the way you touch me. So I've got all these dirty techniques.

You don't want to say, I want you to say, grab my ass. Kind of keep it short.

You're right. You have to be succinct and brief when you're talking dirty, okay?

Yeah.

So the rawness of the sexual passion aroused with dirty talk is why it's so effective. Be careful with swearing too much, though a good dose of foul language might be hot. So again, you just start with the things that you like or the things you want to do. So tell your partner, like, when you're sitting there, like, I love the way your penis feels inside me, but you could say whatever you want. Or I can't wait for you to do this or that. You know, you like use descriptive words. And if you just think, if you just verbalize what you want out loud, that's a great way to start. Like, what would turn you on if a girl said what to you? Like, what kind of dirty talk have you experienced before?

Let's have sex.

It's hot.

I would say I want you to be descriptive, and I want you to give direction. That's a big thing, give direction.

You want her to give direction, like say like, go down on me or something?

But see, that's not dirty, that's not like—

Well, I'm not gonna be dirty now, I don't swear.

Why?

On the show. I want you to lick my— Would you like that?

No, you don't have to go all the way there, but you know.

Like what? Give me an example of what would be—

You were like, oh, I want you to— See, it sounds weird that I'm saying it. But do you think it's hot hot when a woman tells you—

so you think it's hot when a woman tells you what she wants during sex? Because that's a lot of dirty talk, right? Yeah. Or do you want her to be encouraging you, like, wow, you're so big and hard? No, you don't want that?

No, I want you to say what you want me to do to you, but in a dirty way.

Okay, so that's what you want?

Yeah, I think that's what a lot of guys want. I don't— we don't need the ego boost. Oh, you're— no, you're, uh, I think sometimes it's just so large and blah blah, like, we don't care about that. Tenga massager, you're Because it feels like I'm playing with cheese or something.

That's awesome. So I thought that men like it when you're like, you look so hot.

You don't need the ego boost.

I think some men do.

You love the ego boost. You love that.

So you're saying you'd rather get more direction from women.

Yeah, but again, in a dirty way. And I think what you want is, oh, you look so fucking hot right now. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Yeah.

Your breasts are so amazing. That's what you want. Like, I don't give a shit.

What if I said to you, "I'm so wet." I'm gonna be like— Would that turn you on if we're fooling around and I'm like, "I'm so wet." No, that wouldn't turn me on. What, really?

I think that's gross.

To be honest— You should be kicked off the show right now.

Why?

Because it's hot when a woman's wet. It means you turned her on.

I know, but all the moms that are listening to the show will be like, "Oh my God, he's so ridiculous." That's just me. That's what I think.

I know, you can just say, "It feels so good. You're so beautiful. I'm so hot for you. I wanna kiss every inch of your body." That has to do with her fluids.

I'm not interested in her describing them.

Minus, you're a nightmare. Why? Because you are.

Why? Okay, why are you getting upset now that I'm not celebrating your fluids and not saying how amazing—

because the fluids are hot. Like, fluids— a lot of guys are into fluids.

Guys want to hear about how you want their spooge on you. That's what they want to hear. They don't want to hear—

so if I say I'd like you to ejaculate on my chest, Yes, that's what a guy wants to hear.

They don't want to hear about, oh, I think you're—

I know that that's not true, that all guys want to hear that right now.

Oh my God, you're making me so horny. I don't care about that. I want— I want to hear about how you want to receive my juice. That's it. Like, stuff like that.

Like, that's what you'd rather take? You'd rather hear about you? Yeah.

And then vice versa.

I'd rather hear about me.

Yeah, crazy, right?

So no, but it's all exchange that the entire time, and everyone's happy.

Everyone's Everyone's happy.

But I think you got to start slowly with dirty talk and just start saying things out loud. Like, if you've never talked dirty before, like, dirty talk 101. Just say, this feels so good, or you feel so hot right now, or this is— I want you so badly. I mean, there's things like that that, like, eventually— you don't just, like, go right into the dirty talk, but it's like, you feel so good, you feel so hot, like, I'm so hot for you right now, I can't wait to feel your large member inside me. You'd like that, right? Because that's about you. If I said I want your member inside me.

Uh, yeah, but I wouldn't say member. Yeah, don't say member.

But I liked saying it just now, just for— makes me sound more professional. Yeah?

This thing farts.

Anyways, I'm playing with the Tenga while we're talking. Tenga masturbation sleeve.

Um, oh, there's— you have more?

Yes, but keep going, what were you gonna say?

No, there was something, I was gonna change topic for a little bit.

It's okay, you can change topic.

I was gonna say— Uh, we didn't even talk about it, but it is news stories, and I was thinking about this last night. We had two small earthquakes yesterday. Did you feel one?

I felt both of them.

You did?

I can't believe we even talked about it. We had two earthquakes. The first one was at like noon.

Yeah, and just like right after I saw you, right? I didn't—

no, no, no, I saw you.

It was at like 2 something.

Was it at 2 something?

Yeah.

No, I feel like it was at noon. Okay, I don't remember. Yesterday was crazy, but it was in the office. And then there was that big one last night. Yeah, I was at my kitchen table and it was like shaking.

And I was in— I was in bed and at 7. Yeah, I go to bed super early.

I know, not everybody.

I was in bed with— in my boxers, and I was just thinking like, great, now do I have to like sleep with my clothes on because there might be a bigger—

there might be. They're saying there's going to be a bigger one, and then it makes everything not matter in your life. You're like, everything— all the little things you worry about, it's like, there could be a goddamn earthquake.

It just reminds you.

It reminds you of what's important and, um, that you need to get the supplies at your house. Like, do you have an earthquake kit? I don't. I have tons of water. I don't have anything.

Nothing. Nothing.

Not one. Like, my— I would starve after a day. Nothing at a bar.

Yeah, yeah, you have nothing.

I have a frozen pizza in the refrigerator.

How do you know that's not gonna do you any good?

Oh, because I can't cook it in the oven. There's no electricity. I'm screwed. I'm gonna— after work, seriously, I'm gonna go buy some stuff for my house. You should. Earthquake preparedness. It's very important.

Preparing for, um, yeah, a lot of stuff. I've been like weirded out for the past year, just paranoid, and I've been stockpiling stuff in my place.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh my god.

I was, I was here for the big earthquake that we had in '89, and I mean, the, the city that— in San Francisco was pretty devastated then.

I'm scared now. Why? Just because I just, I don't know, devastated. I moved here right after that.

Yeah, but you live in a good area of the city.

I do.

That it won't—

okay, but you don't.

I do.

Okay.

Where we're sitting right now is not a good area.

Oh my God, what if there's nothing during the show and the camera started moving and shaking?

No, I really wouldn't— I wouldn't trip out. Like last night when it started shaking, I didn't go, oh my God. I just sit there and see how long it's gonna be, right?

I was— my friend Charlotte was over and we were just sitting at my kitchen table and she's like, I think we're supposed to go under the doorway or something, go in the doorway.

Like, yeah, but I usually just sit there and see, okay, is it gonna continue? All right, because it's usually a slow buildup before it starts really going, right? And then that's when you should run for the door.

In Michigan we had tornado drills, but I never grew up with the earthquake drills. You guys have earthquake drills during school?

Yeah.

Yeah, I never had that because we didn't have earthquakes.

So the thing I wanted to ask you though, the whole point was how to talk dirty during an earthquake? No. Oh, do you run out of the house naked or do you find some clothes to wear?

I find clothes to wear before. I'm not going outside naked. It's crazy.

The house is shaking like crazy.

I'll grab a robe, which I don't have. I hate robes. Um, yes, I would grab clothes. I would for sure get going. Would you go out naked?

Hell no. I'm gonna go down with the place.

Do you sleep naked?

Uh, not completely naked.

Oh, so then when are you ever naked? Only when you're having sex? Yeah, but I still really wanna shower.

I don't wanna be out in my boxers in an earthquake.

What if the closest thing to you was your Teletubby costume? Would you put that on?

I would rock the shit out of that.

You would, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I would wear that.

I'd come as Walter. Yeah, exactly. I'm coming to your house if you're in your Teletubby during the earthquake.

Yeah, I would actually go to work because I'm the closest person to, to my work. So I'd go there and just make sure, because you got to like shut everything down and put the news on for people, right?

Exactly.

So I'd be like the same.

You're such a good worker. That would— you, you know, you've never missed a day of work in 10 years. Like, you still wouldn't miss the day at work?

No, hell no. I'll be like, I'll be the first one there holding it down.

Okay, awesome. Well, that's what we're gonna do.

Crap about my house.

Really?

I really don't care.

I, I like something. I don't have a lot of stuff on the walls and stuff anyway. It's But anyway, okay, so, um, tonight maybe I'll see you. It's the weekend. It's Free Friday. And everyone, I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Congratulations to our winners of our Jimmy Jane toys and 2 copies of my book, Hot Sex. And then next week we've got lots of fun shows for you. And what else do I have to tell you? Just have a great weekend and be safe and happy and have lots of sex.

And download Stitcher.

Download Stitcher, the app.

It's free.

It's free. It's a Stitcher for your smartphone where you can listen to podcasts, and do lots of cool stuff. So we love Stitcher and we love you. So thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.