Ditch the Drama for Better Sex

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bed, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standard.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can check out our podcasts. And you know what you should do? You should subscribe to our podcast. It's so easy now because you can subscribe on itunes, Google Play, Spotify. What's the other one I always forget?

SoundCloud.

SoundCloud, SoundCloud. The last show, I was like, I don't remember SoundCloud. It's so fun, so easy. Everywhere on the planet right now.

Soundcloud.com. sex with Emily.

Exactly. Google Play, all that stuff and review the show. We like when you review it.

Do you know what I really like about soundcloud too is like people can leave little comments so as the video is playing, they can. They can select a little part of it and just write a little comment right there.

Really? And be like a minute 20, whatever. Oh, that's cool.

It's great. I mean, if you're a big SoundCloud user, people are like, go ahead and do that.

Yeah, SoundCloud.

But if you're not a SoundCloud user, it's a. It's a great site. Yeah, but if you're like, ask with that. I'm all about Itunes and stay on itunes. It's all good. Don't worry about it. But it is important, though. Please. Emily works hard with her whole crew to put this show together. I'm just the guy that presses the buttons. Please write a review, rate it. Whatever place that you listen to the show, that's your little part that you can do to help.

Yeah. That's all we ask. That really helps us. Thank you, Menace. People listen to you.

You love it when it's five stars. I say do whatever you want.

Well, yeah, I mean, if you want to give us one star, like, email me what you're not happy about.

Yeah, that'd be great. And I'd be like, oh, Menace, that guy sucks. I hate him.

Yeah, if you say that, too. Whatever you want.

I love it.

I'll love it. No, we don't love it.

No, it's not.

We love you. No. But thank you, Menace. Thank you for saying that. And thank you for being here.

Hey, no problem.

So good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

And also, one more thing is that you can follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. It's all sexwithemily and facebook.com sexwemily which we're thinking we're gonna be at a million, like, in the next week or so, and you should be that millionth person.

And I've mentioned this on other shows, but I'm definitely gonna help you guys set up so you can do some Facebook Live stuff.

I think that would Facebook Live. I really. I would love to do it. That'd be awesome.

We have a whole little system here now, and it'll be pretty easy to do.

We are recording the sex family offices.

We are so very excited. Yeah, I think. I think I know how we can do it.

Really? We'd be on it, too.

Yeah, I'll be on it, too. I'll be. I'll be ready for the feedback of people not liking me.

Who doesn't like you?

No, I mean, look, I would love to be the guy in here and be like, yes, you know what? Eff it. I want some chick to, like, ram shit up my ass or whatever, you know? But I'm just not that guy. I get it, but I know there's a lot of people on that listen to the podcast that are into that, you know, I'm saying there's people that are into Game of Thrones. I don't watch Game of Thrones. But you know what? I'm not gonna judge you because you're into that.

Right? You know, just because Menace isn't butt plugs, you can still listen to the show.

It's all good. Because you know what? We're totally open here and we'll have a discussion about it.

Exactly. That's good.

You know, I will have some feedback about it.

Right. You know, Menace is not one to hold back.

I'm not going to hold back. I'm like, why the F are you into that? But I'm not going to dislike you because of it.

Exactly. So don't dislike it. I mean, I just. I'm not a judgmental person and I know that a lot of people are. That makes me feel good. But, hey, what's it? Sex. There's. There's something for everyone.

So this is. The part that I want to define, is like, I won't dislike you because you're into a certain thing.

Right.

That's all.

At least to your face. He won't.

No.

No. He doesn't dislike you.

No. If I dislike you, you'll know it.

Oh, yeah. Thank God. And I'm so, so surprised because you did not like me when we first met 11 years ago. I mean, you liked me, but it was like I didn't know what I was doing.

Who the F is this?

What's she doing? What is she doing? Saying, yeah, F on the radio and stuff like that.

It's all good.

But we're past that 11 years later, so we've had some great shows lately. Did you not love that? The lady freaks who were here?

Yeah, they were awesome.

Grace. Oh, my God.

I love when the guests are great.

I know. You do.

I do. I love when they're outspoken and they're just open and they talk.

Right. You know, Love when people talk on the show.

They're so good. And if you don't know what we're talking about, please look up that.

Yeah. It's called the best sex of your life. And it was. It was a really. It was a great show. We've had some really good shows lately, so they're all.

I talked about them, actually.

You did?

Later when I was at work doing the Woody show morning show on Alt 97 in Los Angeles, I. Because it's just the stories that they were sharing about. One guy's penis was the circumference of a Coke can, and then the other one was like, oh, went all the way down his leg to his knee. And I'm like, what the heaven? I was telling my co workers about this. Yeah. And they're just dying because then they're like, Then they brought up the story about, you know, what's the average penis size in America? And then I had to disqualify because it was a guessing game, and I had to disqualify myself. I go, you know what? I do the Sex Without Me podcast. I already know what the average size is.

What is it? So.

Well, you've.

You've.

I think this is a great measurement. You've said that it is about the size of iPhone 6, right?

Not the 6s.

Yeah, the 6. The 6 that. That is the average size of a penis.

Not the coke can going down the street. Yeah, but they were telling funny stories about penises.

Yeah. So they. They blew my mind. And it's great episode. You gotta download it, gotta check it out.

And this is a great episode. I gotta say. Well, I already know this is a great episode because I'm doing the Somatica training, as you know, and we're gonna talk to Celeste and Danielle have been on the show many, many times. They're. They're esteemed sex and relationship coaches, and I chose to take their training. It' training. And I'm going every other month up to San Francisco.

And I think it's changing your life.

It is changing my life.

It's a different vibe from you. Different things happening.

Different things are happening. Boundaries. I'm deep. I'm breathing deeper. I'm feeling my feelings more. And so we're going to talk to her. She's going to be checking in with me about my practice, and I think everyone's going to be learning a lot from this. And that's@somaticinstitute.com. but we'll be talking to her. You'll find out. But let's do a little sex in the news.

All right, what do you got?

Do men fake it, too?

Do men fake it, too?

What do you think?

I mean, I think. I think there's definitely points where they give up, but do they actually go, yeah, and finish? Pretend they finish?

Apparently they do.

Oh, really? I've never had. I've never done that in my life. But I'm sure out of the millions upon millions of people live in the world that it has happened. But I don't know if there's like.

No, listen to this new study, because I actually. I gotta be honest, when I started this 11 years ago, I didn't know that either. And I remember one of the first years I was doing it that I learned that men actually do fake it. But this is a new study that came out that it's no great secret that women fake orgasms from time to time. In fact, survey studies have reliably found that most women admit to having done it at least once before. But is it something unique to women or do men fake it too? According to research, the male fake orgasm is indeed real, and it's surprisingly common. It wasn't until this decade that researchers began looking into whether men fake orgasms. Because for a long time, no one thought this was something guys actually did. A recent study published earlier this year in the Journal of Sex and Relationship Therapy took a closer look at men who actually do fake orgasms. For this studies, they recruited 230 men ages 18 to 29 who said they had baked at least one orgasm with their current partner. These guys said that they do it. These guys, 29% of all sexual encounters with their partner and further, that they had started faking orgasms more than a year ago. What? Most commonly, these guys said they were faking orgasms during vaginal sex. That's 71% of them. But many also said they'd fake it during oral sex 27% and anal sex, 22%. What? Yeah. How does this look like? What does it look like when a 20 something guy fakes it? According to participants, the descriptions range from I just made some extra noises and told her how good it felt. I just stopped and told her I was done and left. Clearly some guys put some more work into the climax. But why do they fake it? Was it because the sex was bad or cause they weren't really into their partners?

Generally speaking, no, I've never faked it, but I've definitely been so tired of.

The point that I can't. Yeah, like I can't, babe, I'm not.

Yeah, I'm done after, you know, but this is really.

You're like, I'm done, I can't come, I'm over. Yeah, let's go to bed or order pizza. Right, Exactly. But these guys, bad sex and lack of attraction were the least commonly reported reasons.

Yeah.

Most frequently guys said they were faking them because they wanted their partners to feel good or because they wanted to have an orgasm at the same time as their partner. So they faked it. Which is why a lot of women say they fake it, which you should never do. I know. In general, guys who faked it more frequently were actually more sexually satisfied.

Really?

Uh huh. They said they were faking it because they were faking it because the sex wasn't good, or they weren't faking it because the sex wasn't good satisfaction was higher for the guys who were faking orgasms. And here's why. Number one, they wanted to make the sex better. Number two, they were too drunk to reach orgasm, so they just faked it. Whereas menace would just say, I'm too drunk.

I'm done.

Number three, they were having sex when their partners wanted to, but they didn't, and so they just faked it. So when should you. And when shouldn't you fake it? These days make it clear that men do fake orgasms, and the guys who fake them seem to do so fairly often. But should you find yourself faking orgasms with any frequency, stop and think about why you're doing it. Like, when you fake it. Because there's a problem with the sex with your partner. You're probably not doing anything anyone favors. So just. You better be served by taking the effort you were gonna put into faking it and spend some time in communication. So the truth is, this is kind of surprising. You're thinking, how would you not know? Like, isn't there, like, stuff you know is me ejaculating? So. But if you're wearing a condom.

Aftermath.

Yeah. No woman's like, wait a minute. Did you fake it? Let me see that condom.

Bust out that condom. I need to see the inside, right?

That's not happening.

Have you guys faked it with you? Emily?

Well, with this 29%. No, I don't. Yes, probably just like, I'm not gonna be the chick who says, well, guys do it, but not with me.

Yeah.

Cause guys are like. Well, no, the guys are like, every woman orgasms with me. New guy ever, new woman's ever faked it. Not true.

Producer Madison, do you think your boyfriend ever faked it with you?

Should we call him?

Yeah, let's call him. Let's put him on the spot.

I'm. I mean, I'm sure.

Let's mess with them and say, I know you did.

Oh, my God. I'm sure that guys out there that I've had sex with have faked it. I don't think that my boyfriend has faked it. He would tell me. Honestly, you guys are very open. Yeah. Like, we talk about it. I mean, he. He gives me feedback while we're in the middle of sex. Like, there's no way he wouldn't tell me, you know, and they're very committed. We've never even had a situation where he was like, it's not going to happen. Like, it always happens, right? Yeah.

Come on.

He's early 20s. It always happens.

I'M surprised she didn't say, yeah, he's with me.

Come on. Right? No, she wouldn't talk like that. But he is. She is a sexy hot mama. So I got to say that. But it's true. Let me just say this about faking. And I've said it before, and I will say it again. It is. It's such a disservice to fake your orgasm because first of all, you're not having the kind of pleasure that you want, especially for women and for men, like, just talk to your partner. Communication will get you so much further in life than does faking anything. So that's what I gotta say about that. But also. And for women, you fake it. Like, your guys thinking, oh, my God, like, I'm amazing. I'm so great. And you're not teaching them how he could do it better so you can have more pleasure. But these guys are saying they're sexually satisfied because they just want their woman to be pleased. That's a whole confusing. Whatever. Don't fake anything. Like, fake.

I mean, would you be a fake?

Don't fake your Louis Vuitton bag. Don't. Orgasms don't fake.

Okay.

What?

I mean, okay, so, yeah, they did that study, blah, blah. What's the point of it? Would you be offended, really offended by that? Or would you. Would you even care if you found out a guy faked it?

I don't know. I mean, honestly. Because the interesting thing here is that.

I don't think guys care if a woman faked it or not.

I think a lot of guys would care. I think a lot of guys are like, no woman's ever faked it. And they find out, like, I was faking it the whole time. Do you remember that Seinfeld episode where everyone's like, I faked it. I fake it, Elaine. And they're like, jerry, I faked it.

Yeah, but that's a TV show in real life. Really care. They would get butt hurt by it.

I think they would if they would. I think if they're like, girlfriends are always faking it. Like, there's a lot of women who are, like, serial fakers. Like, they've actually.

Yeah, no, I know that. I. I understand. Like, that affects the woman and then that sucks for them.

Right.

But for a guy, like, do they really care? I mean, they would pretend.

I think, like, every once in a.

While, I'm really gonna try harder next time. Blah, blah, blah.

Sometimes you can't get there. I'm just glad to hear that men can't get there too, you know, I mean, I've known this, but, like, now you hear why. But sometimes women, you just. No matter what.

Yeah.

We're really turned on. Like, there's just times you just can't. Just like there's times that you can't. And you just end it. That's. You Just be honest. Be like, not tonight, babe. It's not gonna happen, but love you. Feels great. Let's go to bed. Okay, now we're gonna take a quick break, give a shout out to our sponsors, and then we're hop on the phone with Celeste.

Sweet.

For my somatica training.

All right, I have a confession to make. I'm not what you'd call a good cook.

What? I don't believe it.

Yeah. Okay. To be honest, I've never really tried cooking, so let's just say I don't cook.

There's nothing in the refrigerator at all.

There's nothing. There's some champagne at all. It's not because I don't want to. I love food, but I just never make the time. But I've tried at least a few times, and I get super inspired. You know, I buy a lot of groceries, I commit to cook lunch and dinner every day, and the next thing I know, I'm tossing out old produce two weeks later. I've done this so many times. Minutes. I won't even let myself buy Lattice now. So typically, I get home at night, I'm starving, I want to make dinner, and I have zero food and zero plan. But this has all changed thanks to Blue Apron. Blue Apron is like the best invention ever. Do you know about Blue Apron? They develop complete gourmet meals. They measure out all the ingredients and they ship them directly to me, 100% ready to cook. I open the box, I follow the simple instructions, and I'm telling you they're simple because you know that I can do it. And I have amazing meals that I cooked. I love everything about Blue Apron. The quality ingredients, the easy to follow recipes, and of course, the incredible meals. I mean, I look a gourmet chef. Each week features a new round of available recipes. And they rival anything you'll find in a high end restaurant. And because they send you exactly what you need, nothing goes to waste. I made soy ginger pork meatballs and New England style salmon rolls. How about that? And it's so high end and quality. I impressed myself. Now, I know this sounds like way too easy to be true. Like, you're like, how does that happen? How did you make pork meatballs? But get this, it's also in Florida. Affordable, like, incredibly so. Blue Apron's gourmet meals cost as little as $10 a person. And right now you can get two meals, free and free shipping. Just go to blueapron.com sexwithemily to see this week's recipes. Two free meals. Two free meals and free shipping. Blueaprom.com sexwithemily Check it out. Okay, right now we're gonna talk to Celeste Hirschman, who runs a somatica institute@somaticainstitute.com I've been taking this life changing training with her, and I can't wait to talk to her. Okay, well, we've got my teacher, Celeste Hirschman on the phone from the Somatic Institute and CelesteandDanielle.com who's been on my show a bunch for like the last 10 years. And Celeste, thank you so much for calling in.

Absolutely. I'm so excited.

I am, too. And my listeners know, like, I've been talking about the Somatica training that I went to last month in San Francisco. And I had, I talked about the boundaries a few weeks ago on the show and how that's been so helpful for me. Like, after the training, I came back, I just started setting boundaries left and right. It was amazing. I didn't even know I had it in me and realizing how important they are.

Good work.

Yeah. But I was, I was hoping that you, in your own words, since you are the teacher and the founder and the creator of Somatica, that you could just kind of explain it in your own words before we get started on my homework.

Sure. I would be happy to. I mean, I think the hardest thing about learning how to do sex and intimacy well is that there's so few places to go where somebody's actually willing to be in emotional and erotic connection with you and then guide you through the tools of that so you can get better at it and be being really authentic in that connection. So the Somatica method is really about engaging with our clients from a vulnerable, connected, emotionally intimate place, and then helping coach them through everything from sharing feelings to how to seduce and show passion and throw somebody against the wall. So there's a whole range of skills that we need in order to have the hottest sex and the most intimate emotional relationships. And you actually have to practice them with somebody who is really willing to be there with you and be open in order for you to learn anything. And that's why we created this method.

Yeah, it's a really powerful method. I mean, when I. When I said. Because I didn't really know, you know, I've read your book and I've had you on the show, but I didn't know until I was there for five days actually experiencing it. And, you know, I got so much out of it. But just thinking of how many couples I think could. Or individuals could really just. Just benefit from it, and I know I did.

So, yeah, there was.

How was it for you. I'm curious how it was for you to go into that level or that depth of emotional intimacy with all of those different people who you had just met.

You know, it was. I was. I was nervous, you know, the first day, I have to say, like, our first. Even just the first exercise, which is so funny, was.

It was looking into your partner's, you know, eyes, and just like, someone's eyes you just met for, like, how many seconds was that? It felt like. It felt like six hours. But the first exercise was just looking into someone's 30 seconds, maybe. Yeah, it was probably 30 seconds. And you had turned someone. You don't know the first exercise, right. And just staring into their eyes and you realize, like, we don't even do that. And it was such a intimacy. And I thought, oh, my God, this is going to be a really long five days. But surprisingly, it was just this really instantly. Like, this is really intimate. It was comfortable in a way. Like, at first I was nervous, but the second it started, I felt, like, really connected to the person. And it. And then after that, the next one was like someone was pulling my hair, and I'm like, I'm down. I'm into this. But it was. No, it was. I'm like, it's starting. Oh, no, we're already starting partner exercises. Because typically, I've done things where, I don't know, I'm, like, breaking into groups. I don't love it, but it was the first time I've had that kind of experience of taking a class where, I don't know, I was just immediately, like, it's just disarming. Everyone there was. It just made you feel comfortable. And you and Danielle are excellent teachers, but in a way that you don't feel like you're being so. So taught and that, you know, like, they're. That you are so knowledgeable, but yet we're all on this, like, equal playing field, trying to, you know, learn together. And it was. It was powerful. I loved every moment. I have to say, I got so much out of it. I had so many, like, great breakthroughs. Like, you know, I Came back and I was like setting boundaries with people. And I realized like that that setting boundary, that it's okay. And that in my relationships personally and professionally and that how they were lacking and how I was, had so much fear around, you know, people not liking me and that, you know, but that really when you do set boundaries, it's really effective with people. Like the people want you to set boundaries, that it doesn't have to be such a hard thing and that it helps everyone understand the relationship.

Emily's has, has been such a free spirit. And then you, you are a pleaser, you know? I am, yeah. You want to say, okay, even though maybe inside you're like, I'm not really down with this.

Exactly. So I've been checking myself on that, Celeste have you know where I even. I've come back and said, you know what? That's, that's really not comfortable for me. And I have to say that this actually doesn't feel right for me.

That's how you build trust in relationship, actually setting your boundaries. And you know, of course there's going to be disappointment sometimes, but I think in the long term it really makes people know, oh, she's only going to do what feels comfortable for her. And that's what makes people trust you.

Right. So I've appreciate that. And also one thing that was just really powerful for me when was was a quote and there wasn't much writing on the way, it was a lot of like, you know, what I love is that is very hands on and experiential. You know, we're not listening to lecturing, we're really experiencing these things. And I learned by doing, and I think a lot of people do. But when you did write that quote on the board, and I've quoted this so many times since, that relationships are not about perfection, they're about repair.

And I thought that was very, very powerful. I'm wondering if you could speak to that.

Yeah, I feel like all, you know, just by being who we are, completely in earnest, our sweet, wonderful selves, we're gonna step on other people's toes. Like that's impossible not to. Because people have different needs, they have different beliefs about the way to live a life. They have different boundaries. And if we try to tiptoe all the time, we are screwed. You know, we don't get to be ourselves. But if we just say, okay, I'm not perfect, I'm going to be who I am. And then if I do happen to step on somebody's toes, I'm going To be there and listen to them and hear their feelings and share my feelings and be willing to reconnect when there's these distances or disruptions. That's what also builds trust in relationship and makes, you know, we can get through things that are challenging because we cannot have a relationship that's not challenging. But we can have a very amazing relationship if we can get through those challenges together. Right. So if we can repair, then we have the opportunity for sustainability.

Right. And it doesn't mean anything's wrong. That's actually a normal part of a really a healthy relationship is that you're. You're constantly repairing and growing and getting closer through this process.

There's no intimacy. If people say they never fight or they never have problems with each other, I'm like, oh, really? You must be living separate tracks.

You're not not impacting each other, then to me, there's not intimacy.

I know, I agree. And I think about that too, because I think about. I used to be that person in relationships. Like, you know, in my early 20s, I was like, we never fight. And a lot of people, I think, still believe, like, well, we don't fight. We get along so well. So therefore we have this perfect relationship.

Yeah.

And that's not necessarily the case. So I also want. So we have homework and I want to talk to you about the embodiment exercise, the one, you know, we were focusing on breath and focusing on, you know, moving the breath because I do a lot of meditation. So every morning I. And at night I do like 20 minutes of meditation. And so a lot of that is just, you know, again, it's like vipassana, focusing on my breath. And when your thoughts come in, you move it back to your breath. But I was able to incorporate the exercise of moving the breath, you know, through my body and moving the erotic energy down to my pelvic floor and realizing that it just has really, like, awakened me and that I am getting more turned on and that I'm just. Throughout the day, after I've been incorporating into my practice, I'm just feeling much more embodied, which I realized that I wasn't as much before. Through all my yoga, my meditation, all that, it wasn't connecting and I wasn't able to. That's why I was so thrilled, because I didn't know much about. Even though I've read your book, I didn't understand that the Somatica method until I was actually there practicing it as much. Obviously, like a lot of things in life. And I realized that whenever people Would say to me, like, where do you feel this emotion in your body? You know, I was like, I don't know why I'm feeling things. You know, I think I very shut down that a lot of it. You know, I had a tightening of my chest, and I realized that a lot of my. A lot of my breath was about that. So now I'm just so conscious about, you know, breathing and moving it through my body and just feeling a lot more sensations.

Yeah, I think until we get the. Involved. Until we get the pelvic floor in the mix, it doesn't really. It doesn't really register. At least you don't feel as alive and erotic and connected if you don't have your whole pelvis involved in the breath and in the connection.

Yeah, it's been powerful for me. So thank you. And it's funny that it does, because I've been meditating for years and that now it's just. It's really. I mean, I'm looking. First of all, I'm looking forward to my meditation more because a lot of times it turns into, like, you know, an erotic session. Let's just say that. And a little bit more masturbation, which I.

Turn me on. I'm gonna get.

I'm so turned on now. It's like. But immediately, though. And I've always known this, like, it's sort of a joke in my office, too. It's like, you know, a lot of times, Emily, I go take really deep breaths, and everyone's like, what's wrong? I'm like, no, no. I just realized I probably haven't breathed in the last four hours. I haven't taken a breath in four hours. So, you know, I don't do that anymore because I feel like my breath is just more easily flowing, and I'm just, you know, more in touch with, you know, I've slowed down. Don't I sound really slow right now?

Feel relaxed?

Aren't I just chill manis?

You're just chill.

I'm just chilling.

Yeah, but I really. I don't know if you've talked at all, but I feel like it was really brave of you to get up in front and do that demo. Did you get a chance to talk? No.

Let's talk about that. I have not. Can you talk about that from your experience and I can talk about mine?

Well, I just felt like it was so beautiful and vulnerable for you to really let yourself get up there and, you know, talking about dropping in, like, letting yourself be emotional and show your emotions in front of all those people and let the, you know, your inner child be seen. I just felt like it was so beautiful and powerful.

Thank you. Yeah, there was an exercise. So inner child work is where you really, you know, you go back to, you know, a partner life that might have been, you know, more challenging or a lot of us get stuck at certain points in our life that, you know things that happened. And yeah, I was able to really drive. You know, they said, do you want you a volunteer? And I raised my hand because again, I'd heard about inner child work and I intellectually understood it and I know how powerful it is, but I'd never really done it. So they said, do you know. And I was hoping I got picked and I got picked. I went to the front. We're talking, there's like 60 people in there, in the room.

Yeah.

And I went up there with Danielle, who's your, who's your partner? And I was sitting in her lap. Right. Was I sitting in her lap the whole time?

Wow.

I know, it was intense. And I, and I, and I dropped in and she took me back through, she guided me. You know, there's through breath and through, you know, my eyes were closed. And going back to a time in my life that was really, really, I'd say the most difficult time in my life was when I was about 9 or 10 years old and I had a very like abusive stepfather menace. I don't know if you even know this about me and, and it's really been something that, you know, there was a lot of anxiety. He lived with us from age 10 to 14 and that was a very traumatic time in my life where I think, you know, I'm stuck in a lot of ways and, and Danielle was able to guide me to go back to this time where I felt that fear of living with this man who was abusive, mostly emotionally abusive. And I would get so afraid whenever he would come home from work and like I had forgotten all of this and like the garage door would open and my brother and I would run up to our rooms. Cause we were so scared. And she was just able to be there for me and comfort me to that space where then I was able to take the place of being like the adult Emily comforting the little 10 year old child Emily who needed it at that time. Like I would have needed an adult to be there and to be caring for me. And I was able to give her that little Emily, the big Emily was able to say, little Emily, it's okay and I'm here for you. And. And things are gonna be okay. And I protect. I don't actually, like. I don't know, Celeste, you might want to speak more about that. But that's kind of what happened. I was in another place.

Wow.

It was powerful. I cried. I don't cry. Like, I cried. Like, the whole room was. People were crying. I mean, it was emotional. Very emotional. I did some serious work. It's amazing. Like, I could be in therapy for 15 years. And then you do an exercise, you know, in front of a bunch of people for five minutes, and it changes that your whole life.

Yeah.

I feel like as adults, you know, we sometimes. Our little child just sort of takes over because we get hurt or scared in the same way that we did when we were young. And then we start doing what a little child would do. And to have your adult there as sort of an advocate, saying, okay, I'm gonna speak up for you. I'm gonna be your advocate out in the world. I'm not gonna let you get hurt in that same way. But I'm gonna do it by communicating and talk, you know, sharing your needs and your boundaries. Right. All of these things. But getting in touch with that child in the first place is what helps us learn how to do that. And not saying, oh, let's forget about that. That ever happened. Because she's still there, right? She's still there, and sometimes she runs the show. So actually being tuned into that younger part of you helps you feel how it helps you be more empowered out in the world. You're like, I got your back now. Don't worry.

With all. All this in, you know, when people go through.

These exercises, a thing like that, what. What is the end goal and everything, just to learn more about yourself or, you know, I don't know, because when. With therapy and things like that, what is. What's always the angle, do you think? At least with you, what. What's your end goal, Emily?

My. For. For me. And then Sus can speak this after. But my angle is, like, I know that I experience.

As we all do. I think I experienced some trauma in my life, like the divorces and my dad dying. I mean, there was a lot of things in my life, but that particular period, such formative ages, I feel like I have a lot of anxiety, and I think a lot of it comes from that time in my life. And like Celeste said, you don't. A lot of us just repress things that happen to us, and we keep moving through life, but they don't actually go away.

We sort of Just learn how to cope with them. But when you actually like zoom right in and you can go back to that time, there is a healing that can take place and a comforting that I can go back. Like I saw myself like sitting on my bed as a 10 year old child and I saw myself like in my bedroom that was like this yellow room with flowers and feeling like scared. Like I got in touch with that anxiety and that fear that I felt and knowing that it would have been so nice to have like an adult come in and come for me. So for me it was sort of like.

It brought me, it kind of married my adult self with my child self that could. When Celeste just said, running the show, we all have little parts of ourselves, fears that still show up. We don't even know like in your daily life, things that make you nervous, menace, or things that make you scared or insecure that happen at work. A lot of that stuff stems back to stuff that happened in childhood. And so for me I was able to like bridge that connection and kind of let go of a lot of it. I don't think things ever go away, but you learn to kind of soften them and they, they don't have as much weight. You know, once you're, once you're in touch and you feel vulnerable again, there's also the process of being vulnerable and having someone there, witnessing, having whole room witness. And so I don't know, how would you, how would you explain it, Celeste?

Well, I think if you increase your self awareness and you can be responsive. Sorry, there's a motorcycle by my hands. I think you can be responsive instead of reactive. Like sometimes when things happen to us and we aren't self aware or mindful and we haven't done any of our healing, then we just freak out in the ways that we did when we were younger or something like that. And I used to be just crazy when I was younger in relationship because you know, anytime I felt like somebody was even like leaving me in the slightest way or I couldn't say what I wanted because I was scared that they would leave. And so I was just constantly in drama, drama, drama mode. And as I healed and learned how to understand like what was scaring me and be able to talk vulnerably about that and be open and be able to self and, you know, just not get so freaked out, then I was able to just. I'm so much more calm and easy and connected and my relationships are more, much more time in fun, much less time in drama. And then, you know, around sex, just knowing your body and being more embodied and arousable and learning all the things that turn you on, then your sex life is so much more pleasurable also. And so it's like way more ease, way less drama, way more pleasure. To me, that's the end goal of therapy.

Yeah. How about that, Menace?

Sounds like a long road.

Yeah, it is a long road. But I think Menace is going to sign up for the next Somatica training, which when is that? I think I'm just going to send him. I'm not going to let him come back.

Yeah, we're starting in April. We can't wait to have you, Menace.

All right.

I think it would be good for you.

Be ready.

No, but I think that's. That's a. That's a really. I mean, we do. It's true in relationships, you know, obviously I, you know, a lot of intimacy issues, a lot of not wanting people to get close. The way I've reacted in relationships in the past have just not always been so healthy or. I didn't think. I thought. I didn't want relationships because relationships always end. And then, you know, realizing that a lot of it is just our own fears that we're bringing from relationship to relationship and then learning how to stop that cycle.

Sometimes we freak out, like I did, and sometimes people shut down and distance, you know, there's lots of ways that we're reactive. They don't always look so dramatic. They can seem very quiet, but they are a distancing. And that's what takes us out of things that are most pleasurable in our lives, like intimate connection and touch.

Right.

So we can get. We can get more and more of that once we are less reactive.

Exactly. So that's what I. That's. That's my process so far. Well, thank you so much, Celeste. I appreciate your time and for being an awesome teacher. And we'll be checking with you again next month. And I'll be seeing you in San Francisco. And I can't wait. This has been really powerful for me and I think for a lot of people, everyone in the class. So thank you.

My pleasure.

Okay. Enjoy the day. Thanks for your time. Bye, Celeste. All right. That was interesting.

Wow. You got pretty deep right there.

I know, right?

I go deep sharing things.

I know. You did. You learned. You learned some stuff.

I did learn some things. I know it seems like this course has been changing your life.

That was just like the first one. Like, I got five more. Just wait.

That's crazy.

New person. I love it. Thank you for being here for me. Okay, let's get on to emails.

All right.

Okay, everyone, thanks for emailing us. Feedbackexwithamily.com we love getting your emails and we love when you include your name, your age, where you're listening from, and how you listen in your email. Hey, Emily, I love the show, especially the theme, but I have a predicament for you. I've been together with a girl for five months, but she lives an hour away by train. She tends to be busy with work often, so I only see her about once a month. She's great, feisty and interesting, but I'm wondering if she's worth the hassle. Should I find someone better who I can see more often or keep at it and try to make the situation better? Thanks. Bailey, 18. Edinburgh, Scotland. He's 18.

Scotland.

Scotland.

What's up, Scotland?

What up, yo? Okay, so my advice for long term relationships is they're fine as long as you have those relationships. Yeah.

Okay.

Ldr, if you know there should be an end date. Like, we are doing long distance right now, but we know eventually we're gonna move to the same town. Yeah. You know, because then, you know, like. Because otherwise what's the point? Like, seeing someone once a month, it's no way to have, like a real relationship. So I think also. What?

Oh, it's only hour by train, but.

She can only see him once a month. She's busy.

It's crazy.

But once a month is not, like, I think enough for him. So he wants. No. Should he work on it? Should he just break up with her or, you know what to do because he really likes her. But once a month is like no relationship.

Yeah. Once a month is crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know what to do in the situation. I don't want to say automatically break up because if you. If you really dig this person, then you should just keep on going until.

I don't know. Well, I think he's got three options. I think that let her know, like, hey, I want to figure out a way to see her more. I mean, I know she's working a lot, but can you go see her? Bailey, like, you didn't mention, like, you know. Yeah.

Are you FaceTiming?

Skyping?

Do you see each other more over the Internet? Is that why, like, actually seeing each other only once a month is actually not that big of a deal because you feel like you see them every day? I don't know.

FaceTime can help that. It's true, you know, but can she come see you? You know, does she work? Can she work while she's in town? Like, is there a compromise? That's your first choice. Number two, continue to see her, but also see other people, if that's possible with your relationship that you're in right now, the arrangement that you two have. Number three, your other option is if you want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone you see more often, as a lot of people do, you might have to end this relationship and look for someone in your city. So I say definitely talk to her first. Let her know how you're feeling. But if you can't compromise, might be time for a different approach to this relationship. Because long distance, you're just like, he's young, he's 18. There's probably lots of hot chicks right next door. That's all I gotta say.

And what's that thing that you can have sex over the Internet? Cause I'm still obsessed with that.

The key, though. The key you're looking at over there. The kiru.

The kiru.

The flashlight. Yeah. You can have sex over the Internet. That's true. But he still can't cuddle. Okay. You love it. You're fascinated because you invented it first in your brain. That's why you're fascinated. Doesn't mean there's not more room in the market. Menace, if you've got spare time.

I'm still trying to understand how it works.

You can take it home and try it out with your girlfriend in the next week.

Because the thing is.

Yeah.

This is the part that. Because the. Okay. There's two pieces to it. Right. And then there's the part that's the dildo. Okay. I'll just call it a dildo.

You can do that.

And then there's the other part where it's the insertion device, which the. The guy has. Right. So the guy is doing the motion where he is. Let's. I'm just gonna say. Jackhammer.

Right.

Let's say he's jackhammering it. Right. So how does. How does the dildo part actually have the. The up and down motion instead of just vibrating or does it just vibrate?

It's connect. So she can. It is vibrating, but he's using, like a fleshlight on his penis. So the. The way that he's moving it up and down. Yeah. It's like his vagina is on her. His real penis. And then. So she's feeling the motions that. That he's doing with that.

So he's making it vibrate faster.

Yes. And then she's Feeling that. Does that make sense to you?

Yeah, it does, it does. I'm just. I just figured that it would actually have the penetration motion, but I. Okay, so now him inserting makes a vibration, so now I get it.

Yeah. Okay, good.

All right, cool.

Got it. Good.

Glad we figured that out.

You're welcome to take that home with you and use it. Okay. Hi, Emily. I've been trying to get into podcasts, but I haven't found one that I care to listen to until I found yours. It's so entertaining and enlightening. And you talk about my favorite topic, sex. I do have a question for you. I masturbate often, like, almost every day, but I have to watch porn. I just can't do it without. I've been wondering if I should cut out the porn and just try to enjoy it myself, but I can't get myself turned on. Any thoughts? Thanks. Cheers. Stay amazing. Izzy, Izzy, Izzy. This is a great question, and it gets a lot of attention lately, so I understand. Like, she's wondering. I'm thinking, it's a girl. It's funny. At first I thought it was a guy, but. Izzy. Issy. I don't know why I always think that men are asking.

This could be a guy, too.

Yeah, I guess I'm thinking that men are always asking, like, you know, asking, how can I stop watching porn more so than women? But this is, again, it's a great question. And the thing about watching porn is I understand that you just want to be. No. Like, can I get turned down without it? Yes, you can. The brain is our largest sex organ. You just need to, you know, start thinking about, you know, what turns you on.

Sexy thoughts, scenarios, past scenarios.

Past scenarios. But also, you know, it's more that you're, like, you've grown accustomed to the erotic scenarios you're watching. It's not that you're, like, addicted to porn. So I would rebuild your masturbation practice. Like, focus on the touch and sensation in your body. And I know at first you'll be like, no, I can't do this without porn. But I would just try to, like, you know, have a date night with yourself, take a bath, like, start touching yourself, you know, play music, whatever it is that turns you on, and make this about your own mind and your body connecting. So how does it feel when your hands are on your body? How does it feel when you touch your nipples? How does it feel when you glide your hands over your clitoris, your labia? And really, just every time you're thinking, I Need the porn. Start just focusing on the sensations that you're having in your body at that time. And it's kind of like taking it away from the porn, which is something that's outside yourself and focusing on what you're feeling in the time with your body. Now, again, since you're so used to porn, you might first feel like, oh, I can't do it, and get frustrated. But the thing about sex is you can train your body to respond to different sensations during masturbation. So, you know, visually, you just were kind of like standing by, like, watching. But now if you get more involved with, you know, your body and the touch and the sensations that's happening, you're gonna realize that your masturbation can go to a whole different level. You can also. I mean, there's nothing wrong with, like, also, like, fantasizing and just thinking about, you know, scenarios that have happened to you in the past or what you want to happen in the future. And, you know, remember, there's a time where there was not porn to watch and it wasn't that long ago, or a lot of people had to use their minds and they had to think of the sexy thoughts or, you know, focus on their bodies, either one, one or the other or both. So, you know, this is something you can do. I mean, it doesn't sound like you, like, are having a particular problem with it, but you just want to try it out. And I think that's great because I think just like having sex with your partner, it's great to always mix things up.

Yeah.

You know, so I would say focus on your breath, your touch. Do your Kegel exercises while you're masturbating, because that's a great way to. For a lot of women, they need to actually. They actually do Kegel exercises that. Tensing and relaxing. Tensing and relaxing when they're masturbating. So you can do that. Masturbate in the shower. When you master in the shower, you can't actually have. You don't have your computer there. You can't watch porn.

So you have to use your imagination.

You have to use your imagination. You can just focus on the feeling feelings in your body again, one or the other. And I think you're going to be very surprised. You're going to realize that you can do it. But don't be frustrated the first time you're like, oh, I just can't do it. And even if you're like, God, I'm just gonna watch porn right now, that's fine. But as Long as you're working on the practice, I promise you can get there. You do not. No one actually. Men and women, you do not need to watch porn to get off. You just don't. Menace doesn't.

No.

You don't like porn.

I. I don't because it just, again, it goes to the like cheesy factor. But yeah. So your imagination. You can come up with anything you want on demand.

Exactly.

You know, anything in a second.

Right?

You can, no matter where you're at.

Absolutely. So, you know, again, focus on your breath, touch and in fact, it's like it's so important to be in touch with your body. Like I was talking about with Celeste. Like, I've learned so much about just, you know, I think I'm a very connected, self aware person. But a lot of times, you know, we just have this like 12 inch journey that we have not done from our head to our heart. We don't connect them like our body, like our mind to our body. And we're either living in our mind or in our body and we're not connecting them. So once you do all of that, it's amazing. Sex is amazing. Move your breath through your body. Okay, that's all we got time for today.

Great show, Emily. Thanks for sharing earlier on that call. I think you've opened up to a lot of listeners.

Yeah, it feels good. You know, I love, I love sharing and I, you know, I love evolving. Just so you know, it's never too late to be evolving and learning and growing. Menace, you're next.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I have a long way to go.

I'm kidding, honey. You know what, I'm kidding. We all do. We. I think you're never, you are never done learning and growing and evolving and changing. That's the beauty of life. Okay, so find Menace everywhere at Menace Ennis.

Yes. And thank you. I still get comments on Churro's page. My dog.

My dog.

My dog Churro.

You bring Churro in sometime.

I will. She would love it. My dog Churro on Instagram. I. Because I don't know how many podcasts ago I said if you listen to the entire podcast all the way till the end, I want you to go to my dog Cheryl on Instagram and comment and say, I listened to the end and people still comment from a long time ago. So thank you so much.

Okay, so what should we. Okay, I want you to go look at my bikini picture.

Oh, yeah.

On my Instagram because apparently you all really like it. And if you go comment on that bikini photo or any of them and tell me that you listen to the end of the show. I'll be very. I'll send you a special kiss.

Yeah. So instagram.com sexwithemily right.

And slash onmenace or my dog Churro. And subscribe to the podcast. Oh, and go shopping at our website. We've got a new store there. And also you can leave your messages. We've got a voicemail. It's actually the numbers on the website. I don't know what it is at this moment. Okay.

SexEmily.com so let's check it all out.

So thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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