Do the Hand Job Twist

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Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show. I'm taking your calls and giving you sure fire ways to give legendary handjobs, revealing what people are really using Tinder for, and the surprising amount of people getting it on at music festivals. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standard.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so drunk.

Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of.

Girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sex with emily.com follow us on all social media. I love hearing from all of you. It's at Sex with Emily across the board and it's always fun. We've also extended our masturbation month contest. Hope you all had a great May, but we are extending it until June 18th. Feedbackexwithelmy.com Email us. How was masturbation benefited your life?

You.

Your sex life? What has it done for you? I know that it makes my life a whole lot better if I go like a week and a half without masturbating or orgasming or any of that self love. It's not. It's not good. It just releases all the stress in my life. So I hope that you had a great month and email us about how it's helped your life. Okay, so here's some sex in the news. This is news because it was a story about hand jobs. And to me, I think that hand jobs should always be at the forefront of your mind because I think that hand jobs get a bad rap. I feel like hand job is something that we left in, like middle school, and we're like, I'm only gonna have a hand job until I can move on to blow job. And I also think that the hand job is very misunderstood, that sometimes we do it wrong. We don't use enough lube. And if your thought is like, well, he can give himself a hand job, I'm telling you, your hand feels so much better than his. It's a little different. And you can use two hands, you can use lube. And just like, you know, scratching your own back doesn't feel as good when someone else scratches it. So in this little. I gave some of my top hand job tips. So if this inspires you, talk about hand jobs, here's a few things you could do if you're like, hand jobs, really, I promise you just try one of these, and you're gonna have a very happy penis in your life. Free up a hand. Okay, so you need a really good silicone lube. I love using silicone lube for hand jobs because there's more movement, it lasts longer, you don't have to keep reapplying. And so once the penis is lubed up enough, you can bring your hand from the base of the shaft over the head and squeezing on the and then working your way back down. Now, remember, the head is the most sensitive part of the penis. And so why not use your hand, squeeze the penis, hold on for a few seconds, and then move back down your other hand. What's Your other hand doing it. Hey, stimulate yourself. Why not? You got a hand going off on your partner and a hand for yourself. So it's a little bit of a mutual masturbation sesh split in half. Use both hands. Here's the other thing. If you've just. God, I don't know what to do. One hand, I've already tried that. You can try two hands, which is super fancy. A two handed twist. This is when you stack both hands on the shaft, one on top of the other, and you twist your hands slowly in opposite directions. So you take time. When you're doing this, you don't want to go like fast up and down. Although you could vary a little fast and slow. But most importantly, take time to vary the pressure. So you're gently stroking, squeezing, and just moving up and down. With two hands, you can go all the way up and all the way over. Apparently someone commented on this and said like, no, that's like an Indian burn. I'm not asking you to strangle the penis here. Please do not strangle the penis. You want to just. You're using some lube. You're just twisting your hands, you know, slowly and gently in opposite directions. No pain. If you're in pain, tell your partner. If your partner looks like they're in pain, stop. And you want to focus on the head. Like I said, go ahead, reapply lube. Using a lot of lube. When you're stimulating the head and use one hand to stroke from the base of the penis to the head. And then using your other hand, you can just leave it on the tip of the penis, play with it, stroke it, you know, and ask your partner what he likes. Do they want it stronger, faster, lighter? I feel like we talk a lot about women giving feedback about what they want because we're all different. Or like snowflakes. But so are penises. They're a little more direct and they're out there. And then they're like, you're able to see what's going on a little bit more than the vagina and the vulva. But I'm telling you, men all like pressure a little bit differently. And there might be guys like, what are you talking about? My tip is way too sensitive. Just like a lot of women don't love oral sex, so they don't. They're like, oh, it's too sensitive. When a guy goes down on me, it might be true. So I'm saying always ask, always pay attention. But the head is where a lot of magic happens. And the Frenulum, which is the underside of the penis. I'm just gonna throw that in as a bonus. I don't know if I've talked about the frenulum in a while, but it is your best friend. It's where the tip meets the shaft. It's like that little piece of skin on the under the little, like, area on the underside of the penis. If you place your thumb there, you rub over it with your fingers. It can feel great. And that's great for the head teasing portion of the hand job. And finally, you guys, make yourself comfortable. I mean, I think that people kind of give up on hand jobs and blow jobs. Like, oh, it's too hard, my hand hurts, and my mouth hur. But make yourself, like, comfortable so, you know, play around with your own positioning as you please him. So, you know, you can have him lay down while you sit up, or you can have him stand up while you sit beneath him. There's so many different positions you can try. And it's also really fun to tease the penis so it doesn't have to be. So you're in there, and you just keep going, and you're gonna go right for the, you know, do a hand job until he ejaculates. You can do a little hand job. You can move to a blowjob. You can have sex. You can make a sandwich and go back to the hand job. I would love you guys to all stop thinking about sex as just this linear act that goes from, like, foreplay sex to rolling over and falling asleep. So that's some tips for your foreplay tool belt. Okay. A lot of people are having sex at festivals now. This is no surprise. I think that festivals are the perfect breeding ground for people to have sex. I feel like, you know, you're. You're out of your natural environment. Sometimes the phones don't work, which is amazing. There's music. You're in nature. You're dancing. You're probably drinking. I thought that this was interesting, not necessarily shocking, because I know many people have hooked up at a festival, but if you want to know which ones are having the most sex. Electric Forest Festival, 30%. I'll just read the top view. Bonnaroo followed by Burning man, followed by Ultra, and then Electric Daisy, Carnival, and Coachella. So people are having lots of sex at these festivals. And then it turns out that at 46% of people who are having sex are having oral sex with someone they just met.

And at Burning man, where there's really very little running water and people aren't taking showers, which I've been to Burning man, they're having the most oral sex. So you guys hygiene bring wipes with you wherever you go. This concerns me. It might be with a stranger. You can still catch an STI from having oral sex with a stranger. God. Though I know it's always a good time. Use precautions and carry baby wipes and some condoms and lube. You'll be good. You can make put in your little pack. I don't know, it's not that hard to carry around. Just take, just, just take precautions. Random acts of oral that are really fun in the moment. If you catch an sti, it's gonna stay with you forever. Not to be a buzz kill because I love a good festival. And here's the other thing. I've had sex at a few of these festivals on the list and it's all very fun, very good experiences. I have to say. Say and worth it. Love the music, all of that. But just be careful. Happy summer. Where is all this happening? Are they just having sex like randomly? It turns out 15% say they're having sex in the crowd, 48% they've done it in a car, 58% in a tent, 20% in a camper and 9% in a porta potty people. Are you that desperate? Or maybe just really drunk. But I would avoid staying away from the porta potty. I think when I checked these festivals it was mostly outside.

Maybe in a random rv. Good memories though. I use protection and so will you. Okay. Hopefully that made you excited for the festival season. And if you're looking for love in a festival, maybe someone to bring there or just to hook up at a festival. It turns out that dating apps are more popular than ever. And women on dating apps like Tinder on the Swipe apps are more often. This is a study that came out that they're more often looking for confirmation of being attractive. That's what's driving them to open the app. Whereas mentally are looking for casual sex and short term relationships. So women are really just swiping to feel better about themselves and to kind of get an ego boost. And men are doing it because they want casual sex and a short term relationship and they're kind of bored. It says the men are bored and the women just want to feel good about themselves. And what I've been hearing about on these apps from a lot of people is mostly men and women saying they're just bored. Like it's almost like how they're playing a game on their phone. They're just kind of swiping and swiping just to kind of get that hit because you really are. You get a little serotonin rush when you match with someone or you like someone. But there's something about. It's almost like lazy dating. Kind of think about when I go like shopping and I fill up like my Amazon cart with stuff that I know that I'm not gonna buy, but it's like shopping therapy. So I think that some people are using apps in that same way. Just kind of like something to pass the time or to feel good about themselves. I think, why not? You never know who you're gonna match with. A lot of dating is a numbers game, but it's summer. Go to a festival, have some sex, meet some people, get outside. You can use the apps as a compliment to expanding your social life. But I think that this is a great time of year to get outside and practice those skills of actually talking to people. Not even necessarily people that you want to sleep with. It doesn't matter, but just, I think we're losing you guys. Like, everything, it's the ability to communicate and to connect with people and be intimate is a muscle. And if we don't use it, we lose it. Okay, you guys, so yeah, I'm cool with using the apps. I'm cool with just being out and dating. I want to know what you guys think about it. Have you been using the apps? How did you meet the last, last person that you're dating? Let me know. Feedbackexwithamily.com all right, guys, I love answering your questions. This is why I exist on the planet. If you want a question answered on the show, you can text ask Emily all one word to 797-979. Fill out the short form and answer yes in the Would you like to be called portion because I love talking to you. Or you can go to my website, sexwithemily.com, click the Ask Emily tab and please include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Thanks. Okay, we have Jonathan. He's 30, from Florida and he says he got married quickly and he takes too long to orgasm. Hey, Jonathan.

Hey.

How are you, Emily?

I'm great. Tell me what's going on. Give me some background here.

Well, I guess you know the gist of it, you know, I met this really great girl and.

Went on one day, two weeks later and I'm getting married. We do sort of test drive things, I guess like a couple of days before we get married. Just, I don't know. And on that night.

You know, I seem to be taking a very long time. And now I think that maybe it's just because I'm nervous. Just because.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I'm thinking maybe just because I'm nervous, she doesn't say anything, you know, she. She gets orgasm. She gets there, and we don't speak about it again. So after we get married, we're doing it again. And this time she actually says something. And she says that I'm just taking a very long time. And I look at her, you know, I can't believe she's actually saying that, because no one's ever said that.

Right. Okay, that was my question for you.

That was a great thing.

Right? Right.

You know, everyone always, oh, you can go for a long time. That's great. But with her, she says, no, it doesn't take me very long. And if it ends up. Up taking too long, at some point it just stops being pleasurable.

Yeah.

And it just starts to hurt. And I can't do that.

Right.

So whoever says, she told me that every time we have sex, I think in my mind, okay, now that we're going, it's a race against time as possible and ends up taking even longer because I'm constantly thinking about it, right. To the point that, you know, when I wrote the question was a while back, and now we're having even less sex. And I'm thinking that it's because of that reason. And I don't know what to do about it because I've never had this before.

Right. Okay. That was my question for you. Okay. So I. Because I wasn't sure when I read it. What. You're so in your past, You've never, like, how long would you say you typically last during. During intercourse?

45 minutes, on average.

Okay. That's a long time. So. And how many women have you been with? Not. Not too long. I'm just saying. So on average. But if you wanted to go quicker, could you. Could you ejaculate after, say, 15 minutes ever?

I mean, I don't know. It's not. I've never timed myself, so I don't know. But. Okay, I'm thinking, you know, I've been. Not that I've been with a lot of women, but, I mean, I've.

How many women have you.

I've been with enough women.

Right, You've been with enough. Okay, so here's the thing. It sounds to me like it's. It's what we call this delayed ejaculation, after all. The ejaculation challenges. Premature ejaculation, or this is the one that's the most challenging in the sense of. A lot of people think it could be, you know, psychological, which sounds like you really are getting more in your head about it. So it could have to do with that. Also, it could be caused by. If you are drinking, do you have much. Do you drink or take any drugs, medications?

No, no, I don't do any drugs or anything like that. I drink every now and then, but not to an extreme or anything like that.

So it sounds like it might be a case of delayed ejaculation because it says men who last longer than 30 minutes in bed and they have a harder time ejaculating. Before that, we would say that was a delayed ejaculation. So what about when you're masturbating? What goes on there?

That also takes a long time, too. And for that reason, it's not something I do very often, just because it just. It seems like it just takes me a long time.

Right, okay.

And I just end up getting frustrated. And this is not, you know, well, she. Her feelings are hurt because she thinks it has something to do with her. And I keep telling her that, okay, deal with her.

Right.

And. And that also, you know, plays a part in me thinking, okay, I need to go as fast as I can, and then.

Right. I totally understand it now. So she's feeling like, oh, my God, like, why is it taking so long? Is it her? She not turning you on enough? Because she's been with men who maybe come a lot quicker. So she's blaming herself, as women often do, and you're like, no, babe, I'm still really attracted to you. So you guys have created this. So the good news is you just both have different interpretations of what's happening. And the way she approached you the first time by saying you're taking too long during sex. If you've been listening to the show, I always say, best not to talk about it in the bedroom. And also not to. To. To be to blame. So it sounds like she made you feel worse, made you feel bad about this, that you're not pleasing her. So it sounds like we've got a communication problem.

And the thing is, I have told her that, and I told her that I think that's what. That's what playing a part in it. So she hasn't said it again. But the fact that we're having even less sex now makes me wonder if that's the reason why. But she's just not saying anything because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

Right. Well, I mean, she did before. Can you get her like, is there a way that you guys could do mutual masturbation and she could have orgasms in other ways? I mean, you guys are still really a new couple as well.

Right, right.

So and how's your communication in other.

Areas or another area? It's great. I mean I can talk to her about anything and vice versa. You know, we never struggle about talking about, you know, any, any kind of issue. Whether it's at work or family or just between us. Communication is really, really good.

Okay, well, here's what I want to say about delayed ejaculation. So there's certain, like, they don't really know the cause of it. Like I said, a lot of people think it's psychological. You could also go to your doctor and find and just get checked out and let them know. Because it's not that there's necessarily a problem, but when a man can never ejaculate, can ejaculate at a certain amount of time, it can hurt a woman to have sex for 45 minutes every single time. Cause there's chafing and you know, it can be painful. But the problem is there's not a ton you could do unless you can get some of these things checked out and realize like figure out how your body works. So there could be. Yeah. I assume you haven't had any like prostate surgery or anything like that. Hormone related conditions. Have you ever gotten your testosterone checked? I'm just saying this is like, it's good to get a checkout, go to your regular doctor. Okay. But it's, it's a little more trickier. So I feel like you guys just have a real talk about it, that this is how you have sex. It doesn't mean that you are not, you're not going to be a great lover to her. But understanding that this is, this is the situation that you're in, this is the expectations that you don't come. Just like women all, you know, some women can't orgasm. In some positions they can. In others they can't. During intercourse they can. This way we all have different ways that we all orgasm. We experience pleasure. So just reassuring her that you know how much you love her, that you guys can work on this together, it's not just your problem to deal with. And she's just gonna sit there and wait. You know, she's gotta learn that if you bring her into this, what you're dealing with and you guys could help to solve it together. There's also, like, you could see a sex therapist. I mean, there are therapists that could help you. If we rule everything else, we find out that it's mostly psychological. Although I'm not sure, because it sounds like it's been happening to you since you remember. Right. Since you were masturbating.

Right, right. I just thought, you know, no one's ever complained, so it's not right.

Which is great.

I never, never thought about it.

Exactly. Because many women be like, great, let's go as long as you want. So I feel like, get some more information. But also, this is who you are. And so it also means that there has to be compromise, like every relationship. So perhaps you guys need to, like when you have sex, maybe every other time, you go till completion. And then sometimes, you know, you pull out and she finishes with a hand job, or you get a flashlight and finish yourself, or you use your hand and finish, she uses a toy. And you guys can figure out different ways to kind of work with this, because everyone's got sex challenges in their relationships. You know, missed master Beatles, different kinds of orgasms. So I feel just being totally honest. It's not about her. Give her your history and that you're on this mission now to kind of figure it out so you guys can work on it together. I think would be great if you make it both of your problem, your challenge together. But it's not the end of the world. But I think you just need some education and some advice from a doctor and then see what happens after there. Okay. Okay.

Well, then we'll. We'll do that.

Okay.

I'll talk to her about it and see how she feels about, you know, maybe going to see someone with me.

I think it's great.

It would help.

You can find a sex therapist, too. You're in Florida?

Yes.

Okay, great. I'm sure you could find someone there through your health, you know, but just definitely get into it.

There's a lot of reading.

We have stuff on our site. We can send you some information, but you guys will be great. Just be honest.

Okay.

Communicate. Thanks, Jonathan.

Okay, we'll do that soon.

Have a great night.

Bye. Thanks.

You too.

I'm at an ejaculation. There's a lot of different ejaculation challenges. Premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, retrograde ejaculation. Don't ask. There's a lot of different challenges. I understand. I think that it's always important to get checked out by your Doctor and then to work within the relationship. You know, also, I'm thinking he could definitely, you know, I always talk about foreplay. Not a suggestion, a requirement for men, too. Sometimes men could have, you know, they could turn this into foreplay. You know, he could, you know, give her. They could get into some massage and some teasing and some cuddling and, God, I'm a huge fan of it. That also enhances intimacy. So as they're getting to know each other, I would also say, you know, take some time to kind of work on your connection in that way and just make the communication honest, straightforward, and transparent. We're going to take a quick break, give a shout to our sponsors, and we come back. We'll come back with more.

Okay, we have Kevin. He's 37 in Ohio, and he wants to know how to get his wife to relax for anal play. Hey, Kevin.

Hi. How are you doing?

I'm so good. Happy to be talking to you. Tell me what's going on.

Well, wife and I have kind of started dabbling into the anal play action. And when we get into it, I think she has a hard time relaxing. She often says even inserting a finger can be painful.

And that's kind of about as far as we went. We tried some smaller plugs and kind of gotten the same problem.

Okay, well, do you do some foreplay first? So she has a clitoral orgasm first?

I've tried about. She's, how do I say? Pretty stimulatable.

Okay. Oh, good.

There's been times where she's had like 10 or 15 before we even get into that kind of thing.

Okay, and does she want to try anal?

She does.

She really wants it. Okay, what about if you just. Because how many times have you guys tried now and it hasn't really worked?

Around 10, maybe.

Okay. Because that's enough to make it seem like I feel like we got to try something totally different. So at first of all, I would say maybe we need a little break. But also I'm wondering if it's. Is she really. Because it's really all about your breath. Like, it's really, like, deep, deep breath into your, like, pelvic floor. She breathes all the way down. It's like that full body in and out and just breathing. And maybe you don't even start with a toy. And you said if the finger's hurting, maybe you just need to start to stimulating the nerve endings on the outside because there's so many nerve endings. It feels great if you just take some lube and, like, Use your finger to get her used to that kind of sensation. Because you're saying even a pinky hurts her even a little bit?

Yeah.

I mean, let's say a middle finger is about as much as she can tolerate at any given point.

Okay.

Because a lot of it, like you said, kind of the warming up around the area and that general idea, that's a. That's kind of what we do anyway. So I wouldn't say that's abnormal for us to go that route.

Right. Because the truth is, it is. It can be painful, especially the first time or first few times you try it. Or for a lot of people, it's painful and they breathe, and then it feels better once they get going. Right. It goes inside. It can be first getting towards the opening of it, and then when the penis gets inside, it can feel a little bit better. So I don't know if it's just more about her, like, deeply, deeply breathing into this, or you just need to, like. I don't know, she's having really bad pain that she can't handle anymore. Then maybe you guys need to take a break from it. Because what I would tell you is she has to breathe. She has to go slow. You can try different positions. Like, you could try with her, like, in the spooning position or her, like, laying down so she's really comfortable. Like, maybe she gets. You give her a full body massage, right. All over her body. Like, you literally massage her butt, her legs, her chest. And so she's, like, really, really relaxed. And like, you could put a pillow under her back. Or if she's lying on her side, that could be a way that makes it just more comfortable for her so she's, like, elevated and comfortable. And then maybe you use your pinky finger, and it's like you just kind of go really, really slow and move it in and out. But if it's just seriously, like, after half of a finger, it's too painful, and you're doing all of these things. You know, I might have to take a break or have her put a toy in herself, and then she's. She's experimenting. But there could be something with you there that. It's created a lot more anxiety now with the two of you, because I'm telling you, 10 times of trying and not succeeding. What happens with sex is a lot of our challenges are psychological. We get in our head. So she's like, it's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt. You know, and then she's thinking it's gonna hurt, and it Might not even be hurting. She just might be, like, afraid for the hurt. So I think.

And I kind of think that's where she's at with it. She's even tried on her own. And so she gets somewhat progress, but not a lot, right? We'll say.

Well, I think that this.

I'm wondering if. I'm wondering at different positions. We've tried doggy style and some missionary style stuff, too.

I would have her lying on her back with, like, a pillow underneath her butt or, like, her lower back and, like, her legs go back, like over her head or over your shoulders. You know, like, if you're on top for missionary. So she's elevated, and so I would try that. She's spreading her legs. You're using tons of lube. Like you're just reapplying, reapplying, and you're just going slow. And she's breathing. So every time you push in, she's breathing in. And then she releases and you push in more. So when you start, she takes a deep breath, and then you thrust a little more, either with your finger or your penis. And then she lets go. When she. When she breathes out, you push a little more. So there's this whole rhythm to it. I know you've done it all. So, Kevin, I'm not sure here. I don't know what to tell you, because if she's. And you think she's really in your head, so what if you just take the pressure off and you're like, you know what? We're not gonna do anal. We're not gonna try for another month or something. And maybe when you guys are out of town in a different location, do you guys have kids around? Are your life okay? Do you like a vacation plan this summer? Right. So it can be kind of like. And if she's stressed in every other area of her life, it's gonna be really hard to kind of just fit in it. Fit in a little bit anal if there's other stress things happening. Because it sounds like she's having a really hard time relaxing. Yeah. Why?

Because we went on. We went on vacation, and things got where she was actually, like, forcing my hand into her. Into anal play, which is out of the norm. But we were on vacation, so I wonder if that had something to do with it. Like, hey, this is new.

It's always vacation.

It's not magic. Vacation sex is so underrated. I want to tell every couple, like, I don't care if you have to just go into the same town and have Your parents come over and babysit for three hours. If you get out of your house, out of your bedroom, you rent a hotel room, obviously a full on vacation is great of a few days, but just removing yourself from the same place you have sex with the kids and the laundry and, and the bills, it's that novelty and that newness and that excitement that of like being in a new place together without all the pressures of home. So that's what I think you got to do. Take her away this summer, make her a whole thing, make it about her, get a babysitter and then work on it again. But also take the pressure off. And she's got. And I think if she meditates, that's really good. It sounds like in other areas she just might need some relaxation texts, some yoga, some stretching.

That's kind of what I'm leaning towards. She, she needs to get through her head to relax about it.

Right.

And I even, you know, I even let her try on me thinking if she could experiment on me, she would have more comfort one with her and kind of that route.

Okay, well, I get it. Yeah, I think, I think that sounds good. I think that it's really about her right now and not in a, just in a way that she's the only one who could control her anxiety. And I think doing meditation, because meditation is all about, you know, taking your mind off your thoughts during sex or during anything and then focusing on what's happening in the moment. So her breath, when every time she's thinking, oh no, it's gonna hurt, she goes back to her breath and back to the feeling in her body. But there's a great app called Headspace. It's a great meditation app. She could start with like 10 minutes a day. But I'm telling you, meditation is so helpful for so many people and it's game changer when it comes to sex.

That sounds fun.

Okay, Kevin, let me know how it goes. You both want it to happen, it's going to happen. I promise you take that vacation. Bye, Kevin.

Yes, maybe that's the way to go.

I appreciate it. It always is. Okay, bye. Have a great night.

Bye.

Bye you guys. Vacation sex. Vacation sex. Vacation sex. It is summer now go on that vacation. And you know what? You're not a bad parent and a bad person if you leave your kids at home. In fact, I think that it shows that you're better parents because you are prioritizing your relationship. Okay. To take time. If you have kids that are of a certain age, let's say they're three or five, and you've never left town without them. It is time. But if you can't quantification, which I understand, or you just don't have time alone. So much of the things that we're talking about during sex are psychological, which is good news, right? A lot of our anxieties and insecurities are just coming from our mind. So meditation practice is. I mean, it's helped me with so many areas of my life. And don't get me wrong, I still have anxiety and stress. But the meditation just allows you to get a handle on your thoughts. So you literally can control them and direct them or just let them go. During sex, you can focus on truly just being in the moment, being present, being in your body and having way more satisfying sex. We have Michelle. She's 26, from New Mexico, and she says she has a higher sex drive than her partner and not sure what to do. Hey, Michelle. Thanks for calling.

Hi, Emily.

How's it going?

So good. How are you doing?

I'm good, I'm good. I appreciate you getting back to me.

Yeah, of course. Okay, so let's walk me through this. Tell me where you're at now.

Yeah. So since we've last talked, I suppose I'm actually recently engaged. So congratulations about that. Thank you. Thank you. Excited. But, you know, I. Our relationship is amazing. He is my life partner. I love him to death. I'm really excited. But there's this one part of our life that doesn't completely align and, you know. Okay, I guess it sounds silly, but I just have a higher sex drive than he does. And I don't know if it's because he's a few years older than me and he kind of has a damaged sexual history past. And there's a lot to it, but it comes down to him really only wanting to have sex once a week or less. It's not high on his priority list. Anytime I really try and make that effort, he kind of shuts me down sometimes, not all the time. Or he'll say things like, oh, are you trying to be sexy? Yeah, I'm trying to be sexy.

Michelle, don't ask me that, okay? Oh, God. Okay. I'm so glad we're talking about this, because it's not just a little thing. Everything's perfect. But sex, you know, when sex is the problem in the relationship, it kind of takes over everything. So it's a big thing, sex, to have a challenge around sex. Not a bad thing. Not like an ending thing. But you gotta, like, Realize that it's okay to be concerned about this. And it's great that we're talking because this is the person you're gonna spend the rest of your life with. We gotta do some work right now. First of all, I want you to know that it's not weird. In fact, women often have higher sex drives than men. It's just. It's just the pesky societal norms that have told us that women are the ones who want less sex than men. So it's really common. There's always. Typically it ebbs and flows throughout a relationship, or there's just always one person who wants it more than the other. That happens. That's like pretty much standard in a relationship. Relationship. It's so that's okay. So you don't have to like, apologize or you think it's weird because it's not weird at all. Michelle. I hear from women every day about this. So I would say, like, couples have to compromise. They have to talk about it because that's what relationships are like. If you. It sounds like you're not, you know, less than once a week and you want a few times a week, but that's something that you guys can negotiate on. My concern here is a few other things that you said that. You said that he has his early stage sex history is a little. What word did you use? Sketchy or questionable? I don't even remember. Damaged.

Damaged.

So that, to me, is where I'm going. Red flags. Because if we don't work on early trauma, early anything, it's going to stay with us for the rest of our lives. Right? Right.

And, you know, it's one of those things where we do have a lot of communication. We talk about this a lot. We talk about it very openly and often because it does come off. You know, it comes up and our communication is fine on it, but sometimes if I push it or I bring it up too often, then that makes him say that the more I talk about it, even less he wants to do it. And, you know, he has to be in that mood. He doesn't just come home and want to have sex. Or he really has to be like, no stress, nothing on his plate. Nothing, you know, nothing that could preoccupy his mind. He doesn't just like always feel ready to go.

Well, that doesn't happen with anybody. Okay? Like, the stars are supposed to be aligned, everything's supposed to be perfect, and then, oh, he's gonna wanna have sex. Like, who doesn't have stress on their mind every day? So that's not realistic. So his standards for wanting sex are not realistic. And I know many women who feel the same way too. Like, oh, everything has to be perfect. Well, that's not life. And also, like he said, he's a few years older than he or so when he's in his late 20s. But I think this goes back to whatever happened to him earlier in life. And also, if he's ever gotten checked by his doctor, if he's not. If he's truly not desiring sex, he'd get his testosterone checked. He shouldn't have a problem with it at this age. I don't know if he drinks or takes any drugs or medications that could also impact his sex drive.

No, no medications. I mean, he drinks casually, but not anything excessive. And I think a lot of the trauma from the past. We also have very different upbringings. I come from a very loving household and my family was great, and his not so much at all. And to deal with abuse and a lot of other things in his past that I understand. He has trauma in his past and that is rolled over into who he is today as a person. And I try to be understanding of it. I try to, you know, has he had therapy? You come from completely, right?

No. Besides that, we all. But here's the thing, Michelle. We all have. I know you came from a loving household, but I'm sure there's something in your childhood, too. We all have stuff that happens in our childhood that we have to work through that's just like why we're on the planet. Maybe you don't even know now, but there'll be something your mom once said to you about not continuing with ice skating lessons, and it made you feel like you could never be. Live your dreams. We don't even know yet. Not an abusive way, but parents all do. That's what we learn from life. So everyone has different upbringings. But has he ever had therapy to deal with? Even if he says he's passed it and you guys talk about it, has he ever really gone into it, what happened to him and, like, the depths of it and kind of felt it and released it and yeah, yeah, he.

Did go to therapy after the incident when he was younger, when he was about 13. He did do therapy then. I've suggested it to him now, and he's not opposed it. Like, if we really get into a conversation, we're in the groove. And I've suggested it. He's been open. But then if I bring it up again, he's like, no, like, I Don't think I need to. Yeah, but I think he should. He's not closed off to it.

I think he should too. You might need to. Yeah, he has to. I'm telling you, untreated trauma just progresses in people and it's going to be there. And again, maybe we'll find out that it's not even about this. Maybe it's something else. But I think that therapy for you guys is really huge right now, even before you get married. I would get into it because, sweetie, if you find out that right now it's once a week and it's just going to get. He's going to get busier. Right? You're both young, you're working in your careers. He's going to have more going on then sex could get less and less frequent. You don't want to find that out when you're already married and you have kids. You want to work on that now.

Right.

So he might need somebody.

And I also. I'm sorry, I just also don't want him to feel like. I don't want to feel like he has to compromise to have sex with me. I don't want sex to be a compromise.

Right.

I want it to be something that he. He wants to do.

Right.

So that's also my dilemma of just like, how do you meet me in the middle without me saying compromise with me on this? So there's that, but I mean, like, otherwise, everything else in our relationship is so great and so beautiful and it's just something that stands out to me and it's a strong.

No, it is as it should. Yeah, it is a strong difference of love languages of just like desiring sex. And so I get that you don't want, you know, of course, course we all want to feel desired and loved and needed and, and, you know, just our partner to want to want to ravish us. And to that. I don't like that he says to you, oh, you trying to be sexy? Because then that's going to be defeatist. And then you might develop something where you feel like you don't want to initiate because you feel rejected from him. And this is a common cycle that couples go through that you're not going to want to initiate rejection, this whole thing. So that's why I think the sooner that he can get into individual therapy and if you guys could go to couples therapy or see a couples therapy and talk this stuff out, like really like once a week therapy, Michelle, not like once every three months, but like right now, do the work. You will be so grateful that you did. You say that you're talking and you're really open right now, which is amazing. But once you go into a therapy situation, it's just. It can go to another level. And you'll get more answers to this a lot quicker than you will trying to talk to him and feeling rejected and. Which is what you've been trying to do. And it's not really getting through. Cause he probably feels bad that he doesn't desire it. Cause he wants to be the perfect guy for you, which, you know, no one's. We don't never want to hurt our partners. He's not trying to not want sex to hurt you in some way. He probably doesn't know why either. But at least if you go to therapy, you can find out that no, he actually just really wants it once a week and that's how he's going to be. Well, then, you know. Right. And then you know what you're working with. But right now you're getting kind of different messages and he might not really understand it either. So I think bringing in some help, going to see a therapist together would be super helpful. And I think that, yeah, I want. It's a big thing. This is not just like a everything's great, but this. This is a really big thing. This will impact every other area of your relationship. And it's not. I'm saying, like, it's not even a crisis or means that it's over. It just means that you have to give as much weight to this as if you got just diagnosed with something, you know, like an illness, and you're going to the doctor. Like, this is how much attention you need to pay to making your sex life healthy before you decide to marry someone, Especially when there's already a challenge right now. So you have my permission to go forward and make this something that you guys were work on together and prioritize your sex life. Because if you don't do it now. Yeah, a lot harder later.

Yeah, I completely agree. So, you know, I think that's something that we'll definitely try. And you know, we've tried to just be aware of it. And at least, you know, I've asked him to just. If we even have to schedule it and have sex every Sunday, and if that's where we have to start with each other and just make sure that it's on our radars and then I'm not thinking about it and the next time it's going to happen. And it sounds crazy to have scheduled.

Sex when we're so young.

But, you know, if that's the way that it works right now.

Exactly. Exactly. I love scheduled sex because it's. Scheduled sex is made for couples who are really busy, they can't fit in, or they have different times, they want to have sex, or they just want to make sure they have sex because then you're not thinking about it all week. Then, you know, Saturday night, we can look forward to it. It's our night. You get sexy, you get dressed up, you feel really good, and you know that it's happening Saturday night or whatever night you decide. I'm all for scheduling sex and I'm also for finding out, how would he like you to initiate sex? Like, if he says, are you trying to be sexy right now? You can say, babe, what would turn you on? Like, what? How do you fantasize about me initiating sex? Like, I don't know, like, maybe there's just some other ways to talk to him, to kind of figure out what really does turn him on. And then he could find out what really turns you on too. Yeah.

Yeah.

So, like, kind of just change up the conversation, keep always talking, and then find yourself some therapy. Good old fashioned therapy. It's a good time, Michelle. You'll be so grateful.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, Sounds like a good plan.

Okay, good.

I love it.

Good luck to you. Stick with this. Thanks, Michelle.

All right, thanks, Emily.

Have a good night. Bye. Okay, guys, I love this. This, this call highlights so many of the challenges I hear about. Number one, you guys, trauma. If there's any sexual trauma, either you or your partner, I'm telling you, it just, it gets progressively worse over time. And you have to go into the origins and the roots and, like, deal with sexual trauma. It just keeps rearing its ugly head until you get into it. So I think therapy, and therapy is just great for couples. I believe that it helps couples, it helps individuals no matter what trauma or no trauma. And then scheduling sex, you guys, it's brilliant. I hope that you've heard me talk about that a lot now too. When you no longer carry any stigma around scheduling sex. And also, like, let your partner know specifically if you feel like your needs aren't getting met or you said something a few times or your partner has a question requested something of you, ask them, like, what is initiating sex look like to you? What does more foreplay look like to you? What does more intimacy look like? If your partner says something and you walk away going, I'm not sure what I'm doing something wrong here. But I don't know what it is. It's okay to ask questions. Remember, having the conversation about sex is totally new concept for most people. That's why I'm here. That's why I have my. That's why I do what I do. Because I want to help make it easier for you guys to talk about. And know that the more you talk about about it and the more comfortable you are and the more you really get into that detail with your partner without blaming and shaming and just being more vulnerable and open, the better sex you're going to all have. I promise. Thanks everyone for listening. So fun. Love talking to you. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Jenny, Volunteer, Sarah, Producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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