Don’t Fret! Manifest for Better Sex

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common moment? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. Check out our website, sex with emily.com. it is chock full. So many great blogs and posts and videos to help you have better sex and relationships and all social media. Find us at Sex with Emily across the board. Okay, what I've started doing this year, I'm very excited about Intentions with Emily. So, you know, when you set an intention, what I found, it really grounds you in. Like, why am I spending this hour or so listening to Sex with Emily? Well, what it means is think about what you want to get out of the episode. It could be, wow, I just need a tune of my sex life or how do I get my partner I sexually on the same page, we don't know where to start. My intention for the show was manifesting. I believe that everything that we want to have happen in our life, we have to have a clear vision for it. We have to know, we have to state it, we have to think about it. And I know you all want to have improved sex, improved intimacy. So I wanted to give you guys a roadmap to manifest 2020. Make it your best sex year yet. Enjoy the show. There's a lot of talk these days about manifesting.

Definitely.

Which I always feel like I have to sort of give a caveat when I talk in the wooey terms, like, ooh, manifest. Ooh, I'm light a crystal. I'm going to light a crystal. You can't light a crystal. I'm going to have a crystal and I'm going to light incense. I'm gonna make shit happen. But if you think about 2020, and it is the year of clarity, 2020 vision, that also means getting clear on your sex life. So right now, wherever you're at in your sex life, if you're thinking ahead like a year from now, say you had like a one wish. You're like, okay, well, a year from now, I hope my sex life looks, like, blank. I don't know, maybe you're happy. Maybe you hope your sex life is exactly the same it is right now. But I don't believe that's true for most people. Right.

You don't want to be exactly the same in a year.

No, it doesn't. In fact, what I believe and what I've heard from 15 years of listeners and talking to people is that typically there is something that we're either secretly or praying or hoping that somehow it's going to just get better on its own. Like, if I just. If I'm nicer to my partner, if I initiate sex more or if I don't talk about it, or if I. Whatever it is, it'll get better. But nothing that is worth having gets better just by thinking about it, just by hoping. So in manifesting would I believe. And I believe that manifesting works in the sense of writing it down, committing to it, talking about it, and speaking those words. Because everything that I've ever wanted, though things have been messy in the middle, was this, you know, about my life, which I focused on was work, like, this job and, like, wanting to be unserious. Like, I found my resolutions from, like, seven years ago, and I wrote down, like, you know, I want to be unserious. And I pictured educating people around the world and hosting world conversations. And all of that happens. And I think most of us are caught up. And I'm not saying I don't do this, but in the what isn't working? What's bad right now? Oh, hoping things will get better. But when you commit to words, you write it down, you manifest your sex life by talking to your partner about, hey, so what would it look like for both of us to have better sex in the new year? And so also just know this. If you are the one person in your relationship and you feel it's been all you carrying the weight, first of all, that's not okay. No.

You have a partner for a reason. It's like your partner is not a mute. They're not incapable.

Right.

They may disagree with you on some things, but I just think it's because we are never taught how to talk to people about anything. And even when you say it, it's hard for me to do it in real life.

It's hard for me, too. It's hard for all of us. And it's our job and we're not taught great communication skills and definitely around sex. So. And it's okay too, to. To want to have this conversation. And it's okay that your sex life might not be what you want right now. Maybe it's not as frequent. Maybe you're not having as many orgasms. Maybe you know, your penis isn't working how you want it to. It's okay. You're not broken, you're not wrong, and it's not your fault. So just know that wherever you're at can be. Can be improved. Your sex life can get better.

Right? I don't know anything that I want to do the same way for years and years and years that doesn't dwindle. Like, I go through spurts on everything. Like, when I go hiking, I don't want to go on the same hike every single time I go hiking. I'll get tired of that scenery eventually, right?

That's exactly it. And you actually have to mix it up. Let's say you're hugging to get in shape or something. Like, it's like you're you. You. You know, you have to challenge your muscles, challenge your body. You can't get into the same routine, eating the same foods all the time. So just know that that's okay. And it actually means that this is the first step in manifesting your sex life in 2020 is actually recognizing that, oh, yeah, I do want more, and you deserve more, and you will get more. Whereas I have some steps here. I just wanted to walk it through with you guys and tell you, explain to you what would be a great way to start manifesting the sex life you want. Because if you're like, what the hell is she talking about? I have no idea what I want. Or maybe you're thinking. I'm trying to think of what I would. Maybe you're thinking like, oh, it's fine, or, no, my partner will never do this, or she's crazy because I want to have an orgy and my partner doesn't even want to have a kiss in public or something. Or doesn't even want me to look at porn.

Well, I feel like people just jump.

We do jump. It's like, you can't you think of all the reasons why something won't work? Yeah. And you shut it down.

Exactly.

I worked on that in therapy today. Oh, nice.

Yeah, I'm going tomorrow.

Good. You guys. Yes. You're never done. You know, you're never done. You guys. It was awesome, though, because what she did was. She told me to. She recommended something to me. And then I thought of three ways why I would never be able to do it. And in that moment of recognizing it, I thought, oh, yeah, I'm doing that. You're doing it in the moment. So, okay, so everyone, open your minds. Open your hearts right now. The first step to manifest a sex life that you so desire in 2020 is just committing to getting on the same page with your partner. Both of you commit that you're going to have a conversation with your partner. And if you've never talked about sex, this is the first step. This might be for people who have already talked about it, but I believe you could start at any time and just say, you know what? I realize we don't have never talked about our sex life. We maybe, or maybe you have lately, but you just say, you know, I, I've never done this before. This is awkward. Or hey, I love that we started talking about having sex once a week. Well, here's an idea for. And you just have a conversation and you start to set intentions about, you know, why you think this might help your relationship to fill in the blank. People want to, even if you're single up their masturbation, game up their communication, buy some toys, a lot of different things. So make sure you that you are on the same page and you both want to do this. And one more thing I want to say is if you have a partner who will not talk about it, who won't talk about it and says, like, this is up to you, I think our sex life.

Fine.

I believe that in a committed relation, you are not allowed to opt out of talking about your sex life. It's like, you don't opt out of parenting. You don't opt out of the house. You shouldn't have that. Well, you're right. Well, you don't opt out of saying, you know what? Today, babe, tonight, I am no longer tucking the children in. I'm no longer driving them to work, driving them to school, and I'm not taking the summer vacation with the family. It's like it's your commitment and your commitment and we're not even. Sex is also intimacy. Yeah. So remember, you might want to say your intention might be, you know, I really miss how we used to kiss at the beginning of the relationship. Yeah, I really miss when you used to give me back rubs. You know, I miss that we would play together and we used to have a lot of really fun dates. And, you know, so that brings us to step two, because this is a walk down memory lane, the second step to manifest your sex life. Think about your hottest sexual memories. Ask each other. Now, you could even write this down and, you know, swap list. You could think about it for a minute or just talk it through. So let's talk about some hot sexual memories. This could be an example. And I'd like to say that it's with each other is the best bet. Not like, well, with my ex.

Like, make sure when you're thinking about it get very clear that you're like, when I'm reminiscing. Oh, yes. No, this is with my current partner. This is not with the person that.

I was with three years ago.

Because that will not.

That doesn't.

That's just gonna. That's gonna stop this manifestation in its.

Tracks manifesting in divorce.

Okay, so some examples, like, think about. Okay, so when you think about, maybe there was a time that you were taking a shower and your partner surprised you and came into the. Came in to the. To the bathroom. Like, let's say you guys have a history of showering, hopefully together, clean started and started, like, kissing the back of your neck, touching you all over. And then you felt like you were really aroused and you had sex. That would be something interesting because maybe that makes you think, oh, I really like the element of surprise. Think about what makes it memorable. Break it down. Oh, I didn't think we were having sex that day. Or I didn't think you were home yet. And think about why. Why it was so hot and you get to dissect it. Or maybe speaking of love languages, maybe it was a time that you came home and you were dreading opening the front door because you knew that you had left the house a mess. You left dishes in the sink. You left. You know, there was laundry in the. I have laundry in the washing machine right now. You've left, but no one's going to take it out for me. But you had laundry in the wash, and everything was. You know, you walked in, you expecting a disaster, but you come in and your partner had cleaned the whole house and everything was in its place, and you didn't expect it. And then when you saw your partner, it turned you on, and you just jumped their bones. So that means acts of service. Yeah, that's a great one. Like, you know, for many people, like, I need my partner to take care of my needs. Maybe it was words, you know, maybe your partner sent you something. You're like, it was that day. You kept sending me all of those sexy texts, and then when I got home, you had reenacted. You actually followed through, and the toys were charged, and you had my glass of wine sitting there, and you fed me my favorite chocolates. Like, and it was through words of the buildup. So this is where we get to figure out what is hot for us. Like, what was it about these specific moments that made it so memorable that turned you on? And then. Then you get to see this is making you guys both realize, well, what do we. What do we need more of our. Of in our sex life? Maybe it was a spontaneity. Maybe all of your memories were in the morning. And you're like, right.

And your partner always initiates at night, and that's why you never have sex.

You're like, dude, light bulb moment. Oh, babe, morning sex for me is. Is hotter. Afternoon sex, you know, you get. Then you get to think, like, oh, time of day. I felt safer. I felt I had more toy. You know, I felt I had more time. Maybe there was a new move. Like your partner all of a sudden, like, flipped you around or, you know, did something different or it was the first time you used a sex toy.

Yeah. Like, you're like, I want to incorporate more of that. And we only did it the one time.

They're like, oh, yeah, I remember that. Oh, you love that. I thought you hated it because you, you know, jumped in this. You made a face. You made a weird face. Literally. That's why we think shit like, oh, you didn't talk about it. Maybe you never. Maybe it was something your partner tried, a new move. This happens all the time. Maybe your partner tried a new move, and you in your head were like, oh, obviously my partner could tell that I loved that move. But you never said anything. So in their mind, they're like, I didn't think you liked it. So this kind of thing. So maybe it was after a fight. Ooh.

And so heightened energies. Kind of like heightened adrenaline.

Yeah. The dopamine was kicking in. So, you know, maybe it was after you worked out, climbed a mountain, did something together. The other thing, to get clear on, maybe. And again, giving you options. Maybe you. And here's the thing. Guys don't think it has to be something crazy. It could be because your partner was out of town for two weeks and you haven't seen him and you miss them.

Yeah.

That to me, says you need to create more scenarios like that. Not with someone leaving for two weeks, but maybe you need more distance in your relationship. Maybe you need to keep some more mystery.

Mmm.

I like that. That's all about mystery. You know, you need something that's. You know, you need some time to create the space that creates the hotness. The other thing we love is the yes, no, maybe. Listen, what that is, is. We'll have that in the show notes, the yes, no maintenance on our website. If you're like, yeah, Emily, I want to spice it up, but I don't know what to put on Our manifesting list. Yes, no maybe list gives you literally every sex, thing, act, move, gesture that you have thought about in your life or that you maybe even haven't thought about or that you've heard about. It's there so you can say, you each take it, take the quiz, the test, what is the yes, no, maybe. And you say, okay, yes, I want, you know, yes, no, maybe, do I want more spanking? And you're yes on spanking. Maybe your partner wants more spanking and you're both yeses and you didn't know, right? Yeah. It could be like bondage. It could be. Oh, we have a good podcast that came out about bondage.

Yes, it's called they Call me Bond. Bondage.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I'm very proud of you, Jamie. That's a great title. And maybe you want, what is it? More kissing? You want to try anal, you want to watch more porn. I mean it literally has like 50 things on the list. Yeah. Then you get to both look at that list and then maybe just look at your yeses. Maybe you have some, you both have similar maybes. And then pull out a few things on that list and that's where you get your commitment. So maybe you pull out.

Three things that you're going to work on for the next year.

Yeah.

And you're like, you just have to agree to that. Maybe it's one. You guys, don't put pressure on yourself because you've probably never done this before. The third step, create a check in list. Because now that you've figured out what it is that your sex life could use some more of, now you gotta set it up in a check in list. Maybe you share a note, you share a Google Doc, you both had it. Write it on your calendar. Three months from now we're gonna check in. And then you start implementing these changes. And I think you both have to put on your calendar that in a month from now. I like a month from now, a week from now. I think when things are a few months, it just. Because this is also a new habit.

Yes.

So remember that change is not easy. Everything that worth, everything that is worth having in life takes discipline, it takes time, it takes commitment, and for me, it always takes someone helping me. Without my team, you guys, I would not be here every single day without everybody helping, you know, along this vision. So you gotta check in, take some stuff from the yes, no maybe list, you know, and just start working on em and if anything you're gonna have a great conversation. If you can't finish it in one night. You can circle back in a week.

Well, yeah. Cause I feel like people call in all the time and they say, well, I talked to my partner about this and then nothing happened. It's like, well, cause no one initiated it. You can talk about it. But then he's like, well, you brought it up, so you should initiate it. But in my mind it's like, no, I brought it up, so now you should do it.

Exactly. Jamie, you just encapsulated it perfectly. That's exactly what happened. So I recommend talking about it. And remember, it is not a one time conversation. What I'm hoping is this conversation sparks a bunch of others and that eventually I won't have to remind you.

Well, and I think it's funny too, because we always think, like, we never remember conversations. Every single one that we have, or we do remember it, but then, like, life gets in the way.

Oh, yeah.

So even when you're talking about something mundane like your favorite grocery store, someone might forget three months later.

Absolutely. Or I told you this was my favorite movie or my favorite thing, or we had that conversation, people don't remember. We're all busy and distracted. So give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Sweep all that negativity, contempt that you have, your. Well, contempt is tough. But anger, resentments you have with your partner aside and say, well, I'm just gonna try this out, see what happens. Maybe Emily's right. Maybe her team's really gonna help me have the sex that I want.

If you're thinking maybe Emily's right, just rethink it. Emily is right.

I am right. I am right, you guys. I don't know. I just think in a year from now, I wanna be in a different place, you know, I like movement. I like better sex.

Yeah.

I like growth.

I'm trying to grow mentally more so than physically right now. I guess.

It's amazing. I see that you're doing the work.

Well, you told me a long time ago. It took a while to click for me, but it finally clicked.

It takes some time, you guys. Again.

We got to plant the seeds of this, right? Talking to you about going to therapy and stuff. We're going to take a quick break and we come back onto your calls.

We're going to talk to. I want to talk to Karen, 38, in South Carolina. What's going on? Karen, thanks for calling.

Yeah. Hey, Emily. I actually called you about six or eight weeks ago.

Okay.

Just about. My husband and I have been together 18 years. We were just kind of getting to the point. Where sex wasn't as often. It was really great when we were together, but worried about the frequency. And you said, I think with four kids, maybe your husband has anxiety, like he should probably get away. That was super great advice. We did that and absolutely worked. But my question for you tonight is, how can I apply that in our daily life? Because we can't always go away.

Right.

We both are working full time. You know, we have four kids, all that kind of students. So yes, we can go on vacation. It's fantastic. But what can we do on a regular basis to make things exciting? And I let me just let you know, I bought some outfits and some things and he loved it. Like, I hadn't seen him that excited in a really long time.

Yeah. Wow, Karen. Amazing. This is great.

Yeah. I just want to know what to do to keep that going on a regular basis.

Well, first, I think the. The thing is, first of all, that's. Aw. Thank you, Karen. I love this story. I love. So happy for you guys. And so I feel like the important thing to do is. So what you did was you went out of town and you prioritized your relationship with each other over everything, over the kids. And you know, you were like, we are going to pay attention to our relationship. So what you have to do is you have to have a date night once a week that is non negotia. Like, it doesn't matter what else is happening. It's just as important as a holiday, you know, as a meeting with your accountant. Like, you don't cancel it. You got to get a babysitter. Maybe the babysitter takes the kids out of the house. Maybe you've got in laws, your parents like you. You need to have that time because that will give you more time. Like, you know, if you're like, we don't have time, it's so busy with the kids. But that is just really important. That's one thing. Like, can you do that?

Yeah. Yes. And so my, my one suggestion was I get a day off during the week. And then he has the option because he owns his own business to work on a Saturday, which I work on Saturdays. And I said all the kids to go to school on Thursday.

That's perfect.

Yeah. Stay home with me one day a month.

Yes. You know, so I think you should totally. That would be great. And then that would be your day that you guys can like, I love that it's the day. Like, how great that. What a gift that you could have that day. And then like, maybe you guys could start Talking. Here's the other thing, Karen. So that worked. What I would say is, continue your talk about this. Like, when you least say, even if you guys are exhausted, you'd be like, I can't. I'm thinking about, like, what was the highlight from you about the time when you went away, like, what happened that you could bring up again in detail something said, you know? You know, something that happened. And then, like, build upon that, like, where can you guys go next with your sex life? Like, what else would be hot? And, like, keep talking about it with each other. Keep it top of mind.

I honestly think. And he even says to me, he's like. Like, we're not in a house full of kids. You know, Like, I think he worries about.

Yeah.

All that kind of stuff. You know, they're a little older, that kind of thing.

Yeah, it's really hard to. To let go when there are kids around. I got it. I get it. I. So I think Thursday's your answer for sure. Good place to start. And then is there a way that, like, I don't know, that you guys could do something? I mean, I. I guess it's you guys. Listen, with the kids, kids, you're gonna have to learn how to be really focused with each other. And times, if you can wake up earlier in the morning or later at night or, like, put a lock on your door, they're old enough, you know what I mean? Like, whatever will give them peace of mind. And then maybe there's quickies to have. Maybe there's, you know, keep. Keep fueling the fire with new, exciting things to try. Like, we talked earlier, if you go to the store, go shopping with him, maybe there's stuff that he's into. You could.

I think I just. I don't. I guess the second part of my question is I. That don't want him to get bored and. And just said, hey, let's look at this website together. You know, like, not porn, but just like, toys or whatever.

Yeah, so do that.

He was. He was definitely into it, which was surprising to me. It's like, yeah, I think that might be fun. Let's look at.

Great.

You know, and we. We haven't done that, but, you know, so just trying to keep it fun and exciting.

Well, that's great. I mean, listen, that's good. So you went to a website together and you looked at stuff and you read things together. You know, you could. Yeah. Share something that you find interesting. Like, you know, we've got tons of blog posts on our site. You guys could Listen to podcasts together, listen to the show together. Um, there's some great books. When you're alone in bed together, go to sex with emily.com. we've got a store there. You guys can look for some things and see what's interesting to him, what's interesting to you. You can shop in bed. Everyone else does it, right? Keep the fire burning, keep the pilot light lit for both of you. And then you're just gonna. There's sex games that are so fun, Karen. They're literally like. There's one called monogamy, like Monopoly, but it's monogamy and you play, like, a board game. So, like, just. Just get curious, look at things. There's sex, dice, lots of things. So, Karen, I love this enthusiasm. And get a subscription box. We have a date night subscription box that you can get four times a year. A sex family box that every. So then, you know, with every three months, you're like, all right, we got a bunch of things to play with, you know, so just look for how you guys learn together and what keeps it interesting. All right, Karen, thanks for calling. Appreciate it. So glad that that was. This was helpful to you. Okay, let's talk to Katie, 25, in California. Hey, Katie, thanks for calling. Hello. Hi. Ask me, ask away. How can I help?

So my husband obviously really likes oral and everything, and I try to do my best, but when I was with an ex, he kind of traumatized me, and he came in my mouth without telling me, and it was the first time that I had ever done it, and it just kind of ruined it. And I try to get over it, but I have a really hard time.

Okay. So.

Yeah, and I feel really bad because he's really good about doing. Giving me oral, and I feel bad because I try to do it, and sometimes I just can't bring myself.

Right. Well, Kati, that makes total sense. I'm really sorry that this happened to you, because that's what happens, Katie. Sometimes, like, women or men have a really bad experience with some sex act, and they're like, I can't. And it literally is a trauma. So I'm glad you. You. You recognize that. So the thing is, you can actually work on moving past this and kind of practicing. So does he know why you're not able to give him oral to completion? Yeah, he does. You're like, I had a bad experience.

Yeah, I told. I told him what happened.

Okay.

So I think what would be just a cool thing to do is to maybe just practice without the expectation that you have to go all the way and be like, you know, babe, I want to learn. I want to, like, train on you. You know, I want to, like, figure out how to get there. But, like, baby steps. So you can just like, maybe put. He'll promise you. Have him make a commitment. He's not gonna ejaculate in your mouth without telling you. Like, he will never do that.

Yeah.

Has he told you that? But maybe you need to.

I know he won't do it.

Right, but maybe you need him to. Maybe you, like, like, need him to say that to you when you guys are at dinner or just hanging out and you talk about this to him and say, you know what? I'm ready to try it again. Because I think this is a conversation that you should have outside the bedroom about it. Cause it's. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Your husband, you said.

Yeah, it's my husband.

Okay. So you've probably been through a while together.

Two years.

Okay. So, yeah, I think this is, like, next time you guys are out to dinner, hanging out, be like, you know what? I've been thinking about the oral sex thing, and I really want to be able to perform. So I'm thinking what we could do is I need you to tell me that, you know, it's really not going to happen, and just to be. Go patient with me. Well, I try. And you could just kind of maybe just start licking him. Licking his penis. Or start putting it in your mouth. Use some lube. Like, some flavored lube that tastes good. I recommend. We love Muse lube. It, like, literally does taste like mint chocolate. And then there's, like, a creme brulee. Anyway, it just will make you not as focused on your taste. And then just practice with your hand and your mouth. And then just stop. Do it for, like, a minute, 30 seconds, however it feels. But there's also no pressure. Kati. Also, like, do it as much as you're ready. Maybe you just want to use your hand for a while and just put your mouth at the tip. Maybe you want to use your. Both of your hands. I'm telling you, hand jobs with a lot of lube feel amazing. And maybe you just use your hand and lick the tip. So that would be the way that you could gradually build up to getting your confidence back around the oral.

Okay.

How does that sound? And talk to him about it. It'll be like a group project. He'll appreciate it. And I think you'll be able to get through this with a partner that you love and that's trusting.

Yeah.

Okay. Thanks, Katie. Let me know how it goes. Okay. I really want to talk to John, 54, in Nevada. Hi, how can I help you?

Hi, Emily. I love your show.

Thanks, John.

And I've called in a couple, called in a couple times before, and I would just, you know, my. My thing that I'm going through that maybe you can help me with. I'm 54 years old, and up until my 20s and 30s, I was married twice and divorced. In my 20s, big time partier. It was really easy. Seemed like, you know, I could be single, things were cool, or I'd meet someone and we'd hook up and we'd be living together in 30 days. But the last 20 years, okay, the last 20 years, I've spent in recovery, a lot more sound mind, blah, blah, blah. Did some therapy. But I keep getting in relationships that last about a year and a half to two years that are freaking great. You know, we go on vacations, we hang out, weekend. Always comes to a point where the person I'm dating wants to eventually obviously move in or get. Get engaged or married or something. And I, you know, I've had it said more than once. It would be like, John, if, If I would be willing to come and stay on Thursday, it'll say for the next 10 years. I honestly believe you. Oh, and I really would like to be in love and get married, but somehow or another when it gets to that point, I just don't have the desire with that person to move up. What am I doing wrong?

Well, John, I have a question for you because you cut out for a second. Did you say if they came there Thursday to Sunday that. Is that what you said, that you'd be okay with it or you wouldn't be? Say what you said again. That if they come up and like.

Let'S say, let's say we were dating and you come to my house on Friday and we hang out for the weekend and you go home on Sunday and we text her, right? And we've been dating. We go on a vacation out and then. And it's 18 months later and Emily wants to move in, you know, or Emily wants the ring or whatever. And I pick women that are good, women that are independent and they're not afraid to walk away. Okay, But John, let them walk away instead of commit.

Okay, well, John, here's the thing. Okay, So I want to know, like. Because typically when we keep coming up against the same thing, up against it again. There's something in you, John, when you say You've done the work in recovery and stuff like that, which I think is amazing. I love that work. I love the 12 steps and all those things. But I'm curious, like, you know, first off, maybe you don't want a traditional relationship. Like, there's nothing wrong with it. Like what I thought you said. The reason why I asked you to repeat it is I thought you said that maybe she said to you, well, I bet you you'd be happy. This is maybe in my mind what I was thinking if I came to visit you Wednesday through Sundays every week. And I thought you were like, yeah, I wouldn't mind that. Because what I'm hearing is maybe you don't want the traditional. You move in with me, we're together forever. But maybe you want something a little more flexible. Maybe you want more space. Do you want that? You really want a traditional relationship? Because then if you do, if there's another place to go with this.

Yeah, right. Well, no, I think my sincerity inside. I've had one relationship I was in at. At one point that I, you know, went out, I got the ring. I mean, I could tell her I loved her ten times a day. It wasn't like I was. Was choking to do it. I was glad to do it. And I would like to have that again, but I just don't. And it didn't land right. You know, we didn't make it to the finish line. But.

John, I think only time I ran.

This is what's going to help you. If you get really clear right now and what exactly you want, what that relationship looks like. Like, write it out. Who's this woman? What are her character traits? What does it actually look like? And then when you meet someone next, you won't date them for a year and a half. You'll start asking those. You'll start having real conversations at the beginning. Because at 54 years old and you've been dating a long time, you have to steer this ship. It's just like anything. It's like a business. Like if you, if you don't have a business plan, your business is going to happen. If you have a clearer vision for what kind of relationship you want, like the same thing's happening. You, like, throw your hands up. I can't commit. Well, it sounds like the relationship isn't going along how you want it. And you might not even know to how. How you want it. That makes sense, John.

Only I pick really good.

I matter if they're good, but. Yeah, but it's not working for you. So I'm saying it's the.

It's the. Yeah, no, that. The only thing that isn't working is the X factor. It's like that thing that makes you want to say I love you. It's that feeling that makes you. You know, if I got to sit and make a pros and cons list on whether I want to marry you or not, we already know the answer. It's that X factor feeling. And how the fuck are you supposed to know that right from jump Street? You know, it takes a little time, but then after time, I just can't seem to find it somehow.

Yeah, I know. I hear what you're saying. In fact, I had this conversation this morning with a girlfriend who just broke up with someone and they were together for a year, and she's like, he's had a series. He's like 40 something. He's had a series of year relationships. Series of. And he says he wants to get married, but he's just not sure. And I have a lot of guy friends like this and. John, all I can say is like. You're saying, like, what is it like? And I think. What I think is that there's just something still. Either you accept that this is. John, you're gonna date different people, and it's not gonna look traditional, you're gonna have a very full life with other things in it, or you're gonna get into a different kind of growth therapy. For me, EMDR was huge. I've been doing it the last nine months. It's like trauma therapy. We all have it. It. It's really getting into it. And even in the deeper work that you could do, right, you're gonna find out. I. I suppose if you really want a relationship, like, what are those blocks for you. Commitment issue, something that happened to your parents? Divorce. I thought I was done. I've been out of therapy my whole life and I'm still peeling back layers. So if you tr. Because I believe that if you really, really want a relationship, you have one. But if you're still closed off emotionally in some way, John, like you still have a wall up that has not gone down yet. There's still a place where you haven't been vulnerable. You're meeting all these women, and I don't believe that you're showing them who you really are. You're still holding back. I believe that to be true. And then you'd really, if you go deeper, that would allow you to feel more, you know, feel your feelings more. And I'm not sure that you've got done that work yet from someone who took you to. So if I.

Well, I spent some time in therapy a few years ago and I actually went back. I go see a therapist just once a month for like a. More of a life coach that doesn't.

Work once a while. It's like going to the gym. Have you ever gone to the gym? Once a month. It's a waste of money and time.

So therapy, it helps for that purpose. But I'm not there for this kind of thing.

Well, if you. Well, John. Okay, you've two choices. And then I. Listen, John, if you're telling me right now, Emily, I'm really upset because I am so ready. I'm willing to do anything it takes to find that woman in my life. I'm 54. Enough of this bullshit. I'm gonna do something different. I'm gonna go to some deep work in therapy. I'm gonna stick to it for every week for the next six months. I'm not gonna miss it like it's my golf game, like it's my beer night, my mom's birthday. Like you are fucking committing to that therapy. And I promise you, after a few months even you're gonna know why that is. At least you're gonna be on a different path. You won't keep repeating this. You're gonna be able to do some more. Some more work. But if you're like, you know what, fuck that. That's a lot of work. And you know what? I like my life single. I just want a few women to hang out with. Then that's okay too, John. But I believe that you can get. We can all get whatever we want if we put effort behind it.

Okay, John, I gotcha.

All right. I got you, man. All right. Good to hear from you again, John. Yeah, of course. I'm here for you all the time. I remember John. John. We've been through a lot with John. This is what I love this year long relationship. Are there certain topics you want to hear? Things you love, things you don't, things you want to change? Feedback at sex with emily.com Also, my team is awesome. So thank you. Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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