Don’t Google This, Ask Emily

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I listen to your podcast all the time, so I've taken a lot of tips and everything and I listen to it on my way home so I can listen to the full thing. You know, a lot of your tips have helped, so I do appreciate that.

I'm so glad to hear that.

So that's why I figured I would call you. Because this, this isn't something you can just go on Google and, you know.

No.

You'Re listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's show, it's all about finding answers to your trickiest questions and unleashing your full pleasure potential. How do you orgasm when you don't know how? Or how do you even have sex for the first time when you've never had sex? How do you ease into an open relationship or a threesome? How do you find balance in your masturbation routine? Whether you're too dry and it's puzzling your partner or too wet and it's puzzling both of you. I help you figure out solutions to overcome your biggest sexual challenges. All right, Intentions with Emily. Join me in setting an intention for the show. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How can it Help you? My intention is to normalize the fact that sex can be messy and weird and loud and slippery, and it's all okay. Please rate. Review the podcast wherever you listen. It helps others find the show. And I have a new article@sexwithemily.com it's the four tips for lasting Longer in Bed. If you, like many of my listeners, have a hard time lasting as long as you'd like to check that out. If you want to ask me a question, call my hotline, 559-talksex or 559-825-5739. You can leave me your questions or message me@sexwithemily.com askemily. All right, everyone. Enjoy this episode.

We have Jenny, 37, from New York City. Hi, Jenny. Hi, how are you? Thanks for calling in. Are you kidding?

Thank you.

You're so welcome. How can I help you?

Oh, I've got this little problem. Or maybe it's not a problem. Maybe it's just is what it is, which is that I don't think I've ever had an orgasm. Okay. Like, the same thing kind of always happens, like with a partner or with myself. It's like I get there. I get to the point where I'm like, here it is. This is it. It's happening. And then there's no final button. There is no involved. That's what it's supposed to be, right? Some kind of explosion. Yeah, I don't. I don't have.

Okay, tell me about your masturbation routine.

Infrequent and inconsistent.

Okay. Masturbation is a practice. And the way you're going to have your first orgasm and you're going to know you have an orgasm is if you spend time developing that relationship with yourself. That's really how we become the greatest lovers to everybody, to our partners and to ourselves. My best friend in college, she decided that she was going to as our junior year and she had an internship, and she said, I'm gonna go away for a month and I'm going to spend every day for 30 days. Masturbation. She never had an orgasm. And I'm going to try every day to masturbate. And it didn't happen the first week, didn't happen the second week. By the third week, she finally had an orgasm. She finally figured out her body. It took her every night for three weeks, four weeks. I had never heard of masturbation or orgasm until I was 25. And then I was pissed that no one told me. Right.

Same, same.

But, like, it won't happen without you committing to it. And then you will know. So what's the.

How do you know when it's an actual physical anatomical problem and when it's like an emotional mental block?

Oh, wow. You know, I think it's everything. I think if they're all related. And that's the thing about orgasms. You're like, what's a quick fix? Like, I could tell you get a toy. But if you're on certain medications, if you have a lot of stress and you hold your body really tight, if you had grew up in an environment where there was a lot of shame around sex, you were told it wasn't okay to be sexual, that if you masturbate you'll go to hell. Wait till you're, you know, married to have sex. Someone shamed you in high school once. You know, it's. It's all of these things that factor into it.

So is there a world in which there's an actual physical problem and it's an anatomical problem that's not overcomeable? Is that an actual thing? Because I listened to a podcast that said it was like 10% of women.

No, I'm telling you, I've never met somebody. I think that most women are pre orgasmic, but they're not unable to orgasm. And when I say anatomy, maybe that was confusing. I should explain it. There have been studies that show that how close your clitoris is to your vaginal opening, if it's like a thumb. My friend Wednesday Martin wrote this book called Untrue, and this is the first time I read it. If you're. If it's less than like a thumb less than an inch closer to your vaginal opening, you're more likely to have an orgasm during penetration. That's all. It's like, literally imperceptible. So don't even. I mean, I really have never had anyone call in and say, I've tried everything you said, Emily. I didn't have an orgasm, and we're talking 16 years. So if you told me that. Yeah, I've been trying everything. I bought toys and I used them regularly and I used lube and I breathed and I spent some time alone with myself and I touched my body and I thought about sexy things or I just breathed and did some mindful masturbation and I did it for a month and it didn't work. Then we could talk. But I'm not hearing that from you.

Okay, that's fair. I don't think I've done all that level of work. But, like, how do you get over that hump. Because for me, it's like, I get to that point, like, this is it. It's happening. This has got to be it. And then there's no explosion. It more kind of dissipates.

Okay, well, tell me about this hump. Is it when you're with a partner or by yourself, masturbating?

Both.

Okay, you're saying it's the same hump, so let's get over the hump when you're alone, because then you're not thinking. Because when we're with a partner, it's another factor. They're looking at you. I'm sure your partner's wanting you to get. You want to get there. So everyone's thinking about your orgasm. And when we're thinking about our orgasms, our brain is rushing to our head, away from our genitals. You're not in your body. You're both focused on your orgasm. And the more we try to make something happen, it doesn't happen. So have you had toys?

I have a bi folder that I love.

Okay, how do you use it? Like, what happens? Walk me through.

Well, it's. I have the rabbit. So you get the internal and the external, and I play with both. I don't have any problem, like, getting there. I don't have any problem getting there. Getting to the point of where you think you're going to have an orgasm. I don't have any problem getting there.

But we haven't had one yet, so how do we know that?

That's another question. Like, am I having them and I'm not aware that this is it? Is that maybe.

Tell me what happens when you say you get there. You get to the plateau phase of arousal. There's some theories that say there's four stages of arousal and plateaus right before orgasm. So what happens there when you say you get. How do you know you're there if you've never, you know?

Well, okay, so for example, the other day, I was, you know, having sex with my boyfriend, who I love having sex with. And, you know, I got to the point I was like, oh, my God, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop. And then instead of an involuntary release, it was more like a this can't go anywhere else. I needed to stop. And so it's sort of.

Was that something from your brain or your body? Did your body start to say, this is all. I could go, wait, did you have pain?

I wouldn't call it pain. No, it's not pain.

Okay, you have a rabbit vibrator, which means it's a dual stimulation vibrator that's internal and external. Now, the majority of vulva owners, if they're going to have an orgasm, it starts with the clitoris. It's external. The majority of vulva owners, vagina owners, they do not have an orgasm with anything inside of them. It's all from the clitoris, which is external clitoral stimulation. What I'm hearing you say is the orgasm you're always trying to have is with something inside of you.

Usually start with the outside, and then I crave the inside.

How, how much time are you spending on the outside?

I would say not. Not much. It gets just too intense. It just gets.

Okay, so this is your, your vulva, right, which is the external part. Okay, so this is your vagina, right? That's where like penis goes inside. And then this is your, your clitoris. This is your clitoral, your clitoral nerves. So the clitoris people, it's at 8,000 nerve endings. And everybody assumes it's just this little bulb here, but there's actually the clitoris has legs. So the legs are deep inside. And so the thing is, is that the majority of us, this whole area just externally rubbing, this is what could turn you on. So if you're taking the vibrator, whatever it is, you're going.

And then you're like, there's no lube and there's no arm, and then you stick it inside. That's not going to feel good. For most people. This is common that you'd buy a vibrator to do that. But have you spent time just teasing it? Like for me, if I would need to tap with fingers and spend. Could take 20 minutes. There's something called the orgasm gap. Do you know that majority of men can orgasm in 4 minutes to 6? 4 to 6 minutes. And for the majority of vulva owners, it's 18 to 40 minutes.

That makes sense. That checks out. And it just seems like it should just be happening, happening naturally. And it's not.

So it doesn't happen naturally. It doesn't happen to me. Now I have to, like, think I have to have things working really. I need the lube. I need the. Really, I need to be someone I trust and they like and everything's cleaned up and my house and the sheets are like. I feel like you are so focused on how it should be, right? And. And honestly, I don't orgasm. I won't orgasm every time. If I grab my vibrator I know that I will, but this takes practice. So I think that if you could just start in chunks and just say, I'm going to keep taking myself back to my breath and what I'm feeling in the moment. If your thoughts arise, you could say, I'm going to give it 30 minutes a day. I mean, I think you're worth that. 30 minutes a day without your phone. You could try some mindful masturbation. Really a practice of focusing on your senses and what you're feeling in the moment. And when your mind's wandering, is this it? You get curious. You take a mirror, you look between your legs and you're like. Like, if you do this, you'll see. Look at your. See, your eyes just opened up like you would never. Your eyes, Jenny, you haven't done this yet. Yeah, I saw your reaction. Take a look, get to know her. And you'll notice that when you take some lube and you go slow, she starts to swell, starts to open. It's like beautiful. That's like the Georgia o'. Keeffe. The orchid opens. That is our body, our flower. Like, if you haven't done that yet, then there's still some shame around it. Yeah, let's do that. Can you do it and report back to me? All you're going to do is you're going to take a look, some lube, you're going to breathe and you're going to just go slow. Practice with different fingers, with different motions around your clitoris, the vibrator, breathe. You could think about things that have happened that have turned you on in the past. Read erotica. Watch. Bellesa. Bellesa is a great site that we work with that's like female friendly porn. Check out for free. So maybe watching, getting engaged in some kind of porn that speaks to you might make you feel like you're not in your head. Worrying is just the orgasm. You'll get caught up in the fantasy and the romance of it. I do not believe that you are going to be unable to have an orgasm. I just. I will not buy that.

That sounds terrible.

I know. What a life is that going to be? I would never have had one if I didn't get this job. To figure out, like, make it my life's work so I can help people like you.

All right, and we're going to do.

Three times a week, 30 minutes.

That's my homework.

Okay, 30 minutes, three times a week. And I want you to report back to me. I'm invested. We're all invested. You got this Jenny, there is nothing wrong with you. Okay, call back. We're going to follow up. Thank you very much for calling.

Thanks, Emily.

Got this. Have a good night. Bye. I wish I could sit in a room with all of y' all and just say like, okay, let's get out our mirrors, let's take a look. Here's what's actually happening. You look at this. Jenny's face was like, oh, her eyes bugged out that I have to look at my, my, my vulva. Why would our bodies give us pleasure if we have a lot of shame around our bodies? You haven't done everything if you haven't spent time alone understanding your body. Our bodies don't just snap into reaction because we want them to. If we literally have shame and we do not want to look at what's between our legs, how would we be able to truly let go and have an orgasm? When orgasm is all about release and it's all about trust in someone else and it's all about accepting what's going to happen. And if we're still holding on to belief so that it's not possible and we're in our heads, it's not gonna happen. So everybody take out a mirror, get some lube and commit. I think that you all deserve a little bit of self love at least three days a week. Let me know how it goes. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break here from our sponsors. We come back, I answer a question from Sabrina who's wondering how to find balance in her orgasm routine when it seems that the pleasure potential is endless.

Okay, we have chuck and he's 40 from Houston. Hi, Chuck, how you doing? Good, how are you?

I'm good.

Thanks for calling in. How can I help you?

It's embarrassing almost or shameful for me to ask, but I'm gonna be 40 in like three weeks. I've never been in a relationship with a woman of any sort. Technically I don't think I'm a virgin, but I will, I think I'll be a 40 year old version and put it that way. Okay, my question for you is how can I go about starting any relationship? I mean, maybe it's my mental block or maybe I could get over myself.

Hmm. I'm so glad you called in. You came to the right place. So what are your thoughts around it? So what, what was your upbringing like around sex?

I don't know. I guess I felt shame about myself or was never comfortable with myself as a kid. Maybe that was it. Obviously I looked at a lot of Porn, Right.

What do you think it is? Why do you think you have been in a relationship or had sex?

Well, at first the relationship thing, I never felt. I probably just felt I was never good enough. I guess this may have to do with upbringing. I have no idea. A sex therapist could help.

Yeah.

My first sexual experience at 23 or something. My cousins took me to some massage parlor and it went horrible. I don't think that helped at all.

No. What happened at that massage parlor when you were 23?

I was already drunk and I guess I just couldn't perform, you know, that was always the back of my mind. I looked up the way I pleasured myself, the way I masturbated as a kid in a prone position. I think that kind of messed me up in terms of.

How did you masturbate as a kid?

Kind of rub up against a pillow. I was doing that for years.

Yeah, that's common. Just so you know.

All right. Yeah. So I never used my hand until I relearned how to.

Okay.

But yeah, I mean that's. I mean I. I can't quite picture. I think it's just a self fulfilling prophecy. I've gone back and back like I've had opportunities to be in relationships, I guess with very high mate value women, but I'm the only one holding myself back. I don't know if this is just in the back of my mind, this question of sex or almost being afraid of sex.

Yeah, I think it sounds like it's a lot of things. It's not just the sex, but that's certainly like something tangible that we can point to. But also not having close relationships with women. You're attracted to women, right?

Oh, yes, yes.

And so have you ever had any therapy?

No. In high school, my senior year in high school, I went to see a therapist for maybe a couple sessions. In my opinion. Like it didn't help.

I had a DWI.

Back in my mid-20s. They forced me to see a therapist, but that was just court ordered and like she just signed the paper. She was known as someone you just go there actually assigned a paper for you. So I've actually never, I mean I've never really seen like a therapist.

Do you still drink?

I quit drinking.

Seven years ago. It had nothing to do with dwi, but I quit smoking first. I quit drinking. Just everything about how my identity, my sexual identity has affected my own, other aspects of my life, I feel, you know.

Yeah, Chuck, this is a lot and I think it's about every. So how about your relationships? Do you have close friends or family around you?

Yeah, I do. I have, I have my oldest friend who lives in Florida, who I still talk to. I have a lot of. I've been fortunate, I guess, to have many close friends. My mother and father, they got. They got divorced in my late 20s. I think that kind of messed me up. But I'm not that close to my dad. It's. We talk, but we're not super close. I think any son of Asian immigrant. My mom's a little, I don't want to say controlling, but it's like, you know, it was a little suffocating. So I didn't live on my own until late too.

Okay. That's a lot. I mean, just because growing up in a family, you know, it sounds like they were maybe more strict or controlling or there wasn't a lot of information about sex or maybe being independent. And so maybe you drank a lot to sort of maybe numb out and not have to feel things that maybe weren't as safe to express in your home growing up. And now you find yourself, you know, you're very smart, you're very analytical, you're very much in your head. And I think that doing some work with a therapist on a regular basis, like once a week, somebody who's more body centered or who's more like a somatic therapist or even a sex therapist could help you sort of unpack a lot of these things because they all sound like they are. And I know to you they might not seem related, but I just see they're all related. Maybe feeling like restrictive household and then drinking to kind of escape that. And then the first, your first sexual experience, you felt shame.

Well, it wasn't the ideal sexual experience.

Well, no, that's the other thing. Like, even if it was an amazing, like it could have gone well, I guess, but that still was a non emotional connection. And so there's a lot here that doesn't probably feel like, you know, you have a lot of practice even trusting women.

I think that's true. T. I want to be in a relationship, but at the same time it feels as though I don't know if it's shame, fear.

I feel as though I'd be a letdown. Like, you know, I feel as though I'm my own worst enemy, I guess. I guess. But at the same time I'm terrified. I really don't like being rejected either, you know?

No, I know. You have these barriers up everywhere you turn. You're like, I don't want to be rejected. And I Don't want to put myself out there. And then if I do put myself out there, I feel so inexperienced and there's none of this to be shameful for at all. Chuck. In fact, first of all, it's so brave for you to call in and talk to me because I just, I just, my heart, like, I just, I feel all the. You have so much pain and you have so much suffering. I just see it, you're so tightly wound and I want you just to like, breathe and I want you to. I mean, you asked about taking a step and I think committing to therapy once a week with a woman, I think a female therapist would be good for you.

Uh huh.

And we could work on kind of your relationship with the feminine, but somebody who's gonna keep you, who you commit to. I mean really, it's a relationship because really sex and all those, we can get to that. But it's about learning to trust. Trust somebody and have someone that's gonna help you and will help you sort of untangle all this. Something that I can't do right now in 15 minutes, which I really wish I could, that's fine. But therapy, being in therapy is actually a relationship. It's a relationship that you make with a therapist. Maybe I don't explain this much on the show, but you sort of recreate a lot of the scenarios that you do in your other life in therapy. So there's just a lot of things that go on in therapy. You're sort of projections, like things come up and you're like, oh, I feel like the therapist isn't really seeing me. And then the therapist will say to you, well, is this common in other areas of life? You're like, oh, my mother never saw me. It's things like that that make this relationship so rich for growth. And if you haven't gone yet, I think that is for sure your first, your very first step. Because then you'll be able to slowly work with somebody who's gonna, you're gonna learn to trust and it's gonna help you unpack all of these things and take baby steps, just baby steps. Getting a phone number from someone you meet at the, you know, where you work or at the bar or. And just, it's a lunch. You're not gonna go from zero to 60. I wouldn't even advise that for you. But starting to trust yourself and trust others is gonna be really, really big for you and help change the trajectory of your life. And then once you learn to really connect with somebody and other people in Your life, you'll start to release some of these blocks. They won't seem as massive and you'll realize they're all connected. And you're so articulate and you're, you're smart and you've thought about this and you seem like a really kind person with a big heart. And so I want you to see what I see in you and start to build those relationships.

I've been trying some visualization exercise. I don't know if you're any.

Visualization is great visually. Yeah, I love visualization exercises. I mean the cool thing is that you could. Do you have health insurance to find a therapist?

I. Through my work, I don't. But my brother's girlfriend had mentioned that she pays out of pocket $100 per session. Certain things I would think are doable, you know, so.

Yeah. And you can find places with a sliding scale. And I think that finding someone that you feel safe with, like saying you're going to interview three therapists and then see who you like the best. You'd have to go to the first one. But, but how is the visualization working for you? What are you when you visualize, Are you visualizing your life or yourself in a relationship? Are you.

It's hard to concentrate at first, you know, I just started it. Just imagine yourself in certain situations, you know, because your nervous system doesn't know the difference. Which I think truth to that, it is true.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm almost afraid, almost myself in a relationship, you know, as if I just. But I guess that's just my own self limiting belief.

Yeah. Because you also don't have experience in it really. So I think that what I'm hearing is there's a lot of head stuff here. And I just. And I love that the term nervous system resonated with you because a lot of us, our nervous systems, you know, we go into fight or flight. We have patterns that were set at a young age. Right. When certain things happen and we just respond and we don't even know that it's happening. And there are some really good practices that can help us calm our nervous system. Like for me it's breath, it's walking, it's exercise, it's hot, like going in a steam shower, cold dunk. You know, there's all these things that help sort of move us through it. And I for you see like a full bodied experience that you can kind of just be more in touch with yourself because our feelings, you know, are, are, are in our body. And so the more we get in touch with it. We can release a lot of those traumas and those feelings, but it's a lifelong practice. And so it's a really great place. There's a great book called the Body Keeps the Score. And it's also about how our traumas and all of our memories are stored in our body. And I feel like that would be really great work for you than just a therapy that's around talking along with the visualization and calling into me. I think these are amazing steps for you, and I want to stay in touch and I want you to make sure that you find that I want you to do this. I'm sure I don't know if I'm the first person that's told you this, but I know this is going to help you. So I would love to still be available if you want to email us. We can help you get on that track because I think you're going to really start to feel some relief, I hope.

Yeah.

You got to stick with it, though. Okay.

Yeah. I appreciate it.

Thank you, Chuck, for calling. I really appreciate it. Hang in there. We got you.

Yes.

Okay, thanks, Chuck. Bye.

Bye.

What I think is really interesting here is that, you know, he came in asking about, you know, sex and how do I have sex. But I think when we start to unpack things, even I will tell you, it's not always about the sex he's looking. You know, I think a lot of it comes down to relationships and connection and trust and honesty. And I think some of us take it for granted, though. We should just know how to be a good friend or how to have a healthy relationships. But that's a learned skill. And if we didn't grow up in an environment that supported that, we didn't have a parent or friends or consistent role models in our life, we're not just gonna all of a sudden figure it out, right? And we all have these coping mechanisms that we learned in childhood. And nobody had a perfect childhood. Even if you. If you call me and tell me that it was perfect, I. I wouldn't believe you. It's not good or bad. It's just that we all have lessons. We all have childhoods that set us up for our life lessons. Like the blueprint for everything we need to learn in our lives is simply laid out in our childhood. Not to bash your parents or your sisters or your neighbors. That's what we have to learn from because we are conditioned like robots. If you think about it, you can't get out of your home. You see, your parents Every day you see your siblings and those are the patterns that you go through till maybe you leave home at 18 and then that's who you are, that's who you become. That's all you've seen. So you obviously have to go out and say, who am I? What is still true to me? What is important to me? And it can take a really long time and to figure it out on our own. Or we can choose to get on a path, find a trusted therapist, find some good friends, you know, But I think the first step, if you are feeling this way or if this resonate with you and you feel like you don't have a lot of people in your life that you can trust, I know that finding someone in a therapeutic setting that you can commit to on a daily basis will be your first step as well. This is from Sabrina, 26, in Chicago. Hey, Dr. Emily. After listening to your show for a while, I've been inspired to deepen my personal masturbation practice. I've always had a high and healthy sex drive and my partner and I love mutual masturbation and incorporating self pleasure into sex. Unfortunately, I have an issue with my solo practice where I just can't seem to stop. I can easily have multiple orgasms and they feel great. I don't want to stop, but it does take up too much time. I could have so many orgasms in a row. And when we're mutually masturbating, his orgasm is always the stopping cue. He even though I could keep going, I am satisfied. Since my solo practice seems to have no stopping cue. How can I develop a more regular masturbation practice? I feel like this is a good problem, but I would love to masturbate more regularly and not just on the days where I can devote hours to it. Any advice is appreciated. I love your show and everything you do to take the shame out of sex. Thank you. All right, Sabrina, thanks so much for your email. You said it. You know, probably what everyone's thinking as well. That's a good problem to have. But just like everything that feels good, we sometimes take it to extremes, right? So it's all about moderation and balance and thinking about your intention. Why is it that you want to masturbate? You know, it releases all those feel good hormones and it's a great way to connect to your body. If you're looking to set up a healthy routine with masturbation, why not actually put it on your calendar and say, I'm going to do it three days a week and I'm Going to give myself a half hour. And then you do it right before you have somewhere else to be. Maybe you're meeting a friend for lunch or you have an important meeting that you don't want to miss. So this way you have a built in stopping point where you have to go about your day. I'll be honest. When I'm getting out of groove with my masturbation routine, I could keep going and going. I'm with you. It feels amazing. So I can cut it short. And I know that you can too. Sabrina, I feel this for you. Thanks for your question. After the break, I talked to Polina, who gets too wet when she has sex. So let's get to the bottom of this. I'll be right back.

Let's talk to Paulina, 34, in Arkansas. How you doing, Paulina?

I'm good. How are you? Dr. Emily?

Good. Thanks so much for calling. How can I help you?

When.

My boyfriend and I are intimate, I get very wet. And a lot of the time when that happens, it's hard for me to feel him when he's inside me. And it's very frustrating. He doesn't mind, but I do. It bothers me and I don't know if this is a normal thing. I'm also on birth control, so, I.

Mean, it could be a lot of things. It could be medication. It could just be that you're really aroused. It's okay. It's all okay. Do you ever just stop for a minute and have like a towel next to the bed and wipe and keep going? Do you do that?

Yeah, I do, but not as often enough.

Honestly, that's what I would do. I mean, I would just have a towel that's like your sex towel. I have several of them by my bed when anything happens, because sex is messy and fun and beautiful and has certain odors and that's all good. And you just keep white. You wipe it off and you could, you know, people say you could use condoms, you could use a ring. You could do other things to kind of be able to feel a cock ring, which I think that he would wear on his penis. And then you could, you know, that would help, like kind of create more of a fullness. But I think it's just, it could be your age, it could be, it could be the birth control pill. But I would just say, like, I'm just gonna wipe this off with a towel. Let me do this again. I mean, it's just sometimes there's not wet enough or too wet. And I get why that Might feel weird, but it's your boyfriend. How long have you been with him?

Just over a year now, but we've done the long distance thing for about five or six months.

Okay.

Yeah.

Has this always been the case? Have you always found yourself getting very wet?

No, not until the past few months.

Okay. And is it. Did you just. When did you start the birth control pill?

In April.

You started noticing that you got more wet when you went on birth control pill?

Right.

Okay. I mean, that could be a side effect of it, but I would just. I mean, does the sex. How was it before you went on the pill?

It wasn't like that. I didn't have that issue where I was just more wet than normal.

Okay. It could definitely have that kind of impact. The pill can. Have you had any other other side effects from the pill?

No.

Our wetness levels change throughout our menstrual cycles as well. So there's certain times a month or more wet, less wet. Okay. A lot of times side effects subside over time. There's a lot of medications that give us really intense side effects, but after six to eight months, sometimes they go away. I would just try to work around this one. And it could also be other things, you know, like your cycle or your age. But it sounds like it's probably the birth control pill.

Yeah, that's what I've been thinking, too. But I figured I would try because I listen to your podcast all the time, so I've taken a lot of tips and everything, and I listen to it on my way home so I can listen to the full thing. And I've, you know, a lot of your tips have helped, so I do appreciate that.

I'm so glad to hear that.

So that's why I figured I would call you, because this isn't something you can just go on Google and, you know, and find out. Because there is no answer for it.

There is no answer for it. I've heard this a lot over the years, and it's not a forever situation, but you're going to be fine. You know, your partner seems like he's okay with it. Just you.

Yeah.

And maybe you need some other kind of stimulation from him too. You know, oral sex or using a toy. Well, thank you for calling. Yeah, thank you, doctor. Of course. Thank you so much for calling in. I appreciate you.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Bye.

Bye.

I just want to say that the birth control pill has a lot of side effects that people aren't always aware of. You know, you get to prescribe and you think, oh, my doctor gave it to me. It's good to go. But that isn't always the case. So I talk about this a lot on the show. If you're interested, please check out our podcast with Elisa Viti, who started a company called Flow Living, or another podcast, Sex, Drugs and the Side Effects of Birth Control with Abby Epstein and Ricki Lake. We will put all the links for this in the show. Notes I know some of you might be listening and saying, I wish I had that problem getting too wet. You know, I don't not wet enough. Well, you know, it's always something. The grass is always wet around the other side. But it is a real, it is a real concern and I get it. But remember what I'm hearing from this is that like really an easy solution is just to wipe yourself down. And sometimes we don't want to or it's weird to have to lean over and get something. But is it. Can we just. How about we normalize that? Sex can be messy and weird and, and have certain odors and scents and sounds and that is sex. Sex is not in a beautiful, well manicured situation that just sort of every time it looks the same and feels the same. And the more we can normalize that and be with partners that are cool with it and support us and celebrate us in all of our messy, weird loudness, sexiness, the better off we're going to be and the better sex we're going to have. I can tell you that. Find those partners. Okay, this is from Michael, 35, in California. How can my wife and I ease our way into an open relationship? And any tips on fulfilling a threesome fantasy? All right, listen, Michael, I love this question. It's a really common one. But listen, whether it's about opening up your marriage or having a threesome, most important thing is that you have to talk and talk and talk some more and make sure that you have healthy communication and do a self audit. Talk to your partner as well. Is non monogamy a fit for you and your partner? How do you feel about the idea of your partner being with someone else? How does your wife feel about it? If either one of you are jealous people, you might not be able to handle an open relationship. As far as threesomes go, it's the same thing. What are the intentions behind your threesome? Why do you want to have it? Have you guys talked about this together? You know, maybe she really wants to have a threesome because she has a fantasy of being with more than one person. Or maybe she wants to see you with another woman or maybe you want to see her with another man. So couples get to decide what it looks like for them. But the most important thing is that you need to have boundaries and rules in place for engaging in a threesome or an open relationship. Couples I know who have success with this have very clear boundaries about what's off the table, what's on the table? You know, do you have rules around if it's someone you know, is there kissing involved? Are there certain sex acts that are off the table? It really helps to dirty talk this fantasy beforehand. Have a session one night where you start dirty talking about what would be going on in the fantasy and who would be there and who'd be being pleased and what acts would be going on. And that way you can start to take notice like how did this feel? Was it really a turn on to me? And then afterwards you can talk about it together and say, how did that feel? Is this something we want to pursue? And it's baby steps. You do not want to rush into any kind of alternative arrangement. And if you want more information, we have a great article on our site. It's an Ask Emily how do we prepare for a threesome. We also have an article what exactly is an open relationship? Check those out, keep talking and let me know how it goes.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review where everybody ever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. We release two to three episodes a week. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily. If you want to ask me a question about sex, dating or relationships, you could email me feedbackexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com askemily and check out my website. We have so many articles on there helping you better sex. And you can check out our guides at sex with emily.com guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities. Sign up for our weekly emails because hey, I've been told I give really good emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedbacksexwithemily.com.

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