7 Dec 2025 · 44 min
Emily Morse covers vibrator basics: how to charge them, where to place them during sex, and which toys work for different positions. Listeners call in about female ejaculation, anal play, and a wife dealing with her husband's chronic lying.
Chapters
Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jiu. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super so soft, ultra quiet and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20 off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sex with emily.com h e r A so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show. I'm giving you tips on how to successfully use a vibrator during sex and I'm taking your calls. Topics include some question answered about good old female ejaculation. Alright, your sex life is great, but your fiance never asks you to hang out with their friends. What's the deal? Analingus, Anyone? How to get your partner on board and should you stay with or should you go? You think you tried it all, but have you done all the work to save the relationship? All this and more. Thanks for listening.
Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.
Bedroom eyes they call them.
In a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?
Cause my man e here, he just.
Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.
Oh my.
The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?
What do you mean?
Like laundry?
It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?
Are you kidding me?
Oh my God, I feel so good.
Being bad feels pretty good.
You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.
You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, you gotta check out sexwithemily.com and you guys, we so appreciate it when you review the show wherever you listen and you, you know, give us five stars if you like it and review. Totally help subscribe. The subscriptions help us make a better podcast and you know, we release three a week. So thanks for doing that. And also you can find me five days a week on Sirius XM radio. It's Stars channel 109 and I am there Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 Pacific. And the cool thing is you can just call in and ask your questions. 889-47-8277. And if you want, you can just call in. But if you want to get a free 30 day trial just to listen as well, it's sexwithemily.coms and follow us on all social media exwithemilycrosstheboard and please have you subscribed to our newsletter. We give out an awesome newsletter and people love it and you can do that on the website. Alright guys, I hope you enjoy the show. Okay, here's my sex hack. How to hold a vibrator or use a vibrator during sex. During any kind of sex. During oral sex, intercourse, I guess. Not during masturbation. But you know, if you got questions about that, you can call us. Why? Why do it? Why do we need to know this? Well, a lot of times let's talk about the reason why we aren't bringing it in. We're not bringing a toy into our partner play because we have no idea where to start or what to do with it. First of all, we're worried like what's our partner gonna think? Are they gonna feel inferior because the vibrator brought us to orgasm and they did, or the vibrator aided in our orgasm. And then what do I do? Where do I place it? Where does the hand go? And the thing is though, it's really pretty simple and it is an awesome way to sp. And it also helps you along in the orgasm department because let's be honest, if you haven't heard this yet, I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. Say it, say it. I'm gonna say it every day for the rest of my life. Which I actually do think. I say it. I even said it this weekend, this conference. Women's eyes bulge out of their head. They were shocked. They were shocked, shocked when I shared this information with them. In fact, this is what happened. I was at lunch and this woman said to me, well, I just, maybe you can help me. She was like, 26. She's like, I. I can orgasm with my partner. And I was like, well, what's going on? Have you had an orgasm? She said, yes, I've had one, but I have to use a vibrator. But I've been with my partner for two years, and I don't know what to do. And I'm like, well, you just gotta bring it in. You just gotta let him know this is. And she was like, oh, my God, I can do that. First of all, I had to tell her this thing. I had to tell her that only 20% of women orgasm during intercourse. 20. Now, I understand that is a shock. Every time people hear that, they're like, oh, my God, how could that be true? And I get why you think it's not true. It's because every time you see sex in the movies or wherever, it's like, penis goes, vagina explosion happens right away. And we're just told that's what sex is. But the sex for orgasm, for women is about the clitoris. It's about the outside action, not the inside action. Sorry to. Sorry to all the penises out there if this is shock to you. But for women, we need a lot of external stimulation. We need the clitoral stimulation. We need the playing. We need the fun. So. So just make sure. If you want to bring a toy in and you have one of your favorites, do it first. Make sure that your toys out. Like, I get asked that question, like, what do I do? Like, really? Like, how do I do I stop? It's awkward. Do I pull it out of the drawer? No. Why don't you have it out, have it cleaned and charged? Nothing sucks like when your toy dies mid orgasm, mid play.
Worst betrayal of all.
Worst betrayal. It's like. It's like.
That'S exactly what happens to your orgasm.
You're like, fuck, I didn't charge my toy. That happens to you.
I mean, yeah, but not everyone's as lucky as me to have, like, another toy at the ready.
Yeah, I always have so many. I'm like.
I'm literally in the doorway. I do that with like, something's gotta be charged. Yeah, something's charged here. Although I've had times where Narya Vibe is charged, and it was not pretty. I was like, how is this my job? But now they're mostly charged. I'm like, I have 85 vibrators here next to my bed. There is not a charge one. Okay? Most they are. So make sure they're charging clean and next to the bed. And then you have to worry about your fumbling. You know, it's clean, it's not gonna die, believe me. Not gonna die. And then make sure it's the right kind of toy. So the deal is, all toys can technically be a couple's toy, but for sure, you can talk to your partner and say which ones they're into. You can show them. You're like, listen, I've got this rabbit vibe, which is a. Like a dual simulation vibe. Like a rabbit vibe goes inside of you, and then it has an inter external clitorator, clitoral stimulator.
Clitorator. Can we make that a word?
Clitorator is. I like that.
I'm writing it down.
Write it down, Write it down. But a small. And then also a small clitoron is great. And that could work and not get in the way as much. So like a handheld vibe, like the Touch or the Tango by We Vibe or any of the other great toys that we work with. The one or the. The whoever's pave small vibrators. And as long as your partner knows what to expect, it's easier to navigate. And I got to be honest with you guys, you hold it in your hand like it's like a. You can just cup it over your clitoris or your partner does, or maybe on your nipples, or maybe you tease them around their balls. Test it out. So here's the thing. If your partner has never experienced vibrations, you want to try it on a lower setting, especially for penises. Some can take the high vibration, but while others just want like a lower. Like the low setting that you probably don't use. I never use a setting, but that's why they make it, I think, for penises or for people who have sensitive clitoris. So start off slow, low. Work your way up to a more comfortable setting. If you use a vibrating penis ring, those are very popular for couples. Put some lube on it first, because it can kind of pull the hairs. And you want to make sure you lube. Lube on it. You can even have it in your hand first and kind of trace it around his shaft or his balls. Make sure the setting is comfortable. And I would say the best position for a. A penis ring would be when you are on top. When the vulva, vagina is on top, and you are facing forward, riding position. That way, if it's over their penis, you're on top, you can grind on it, and then the vibrations can really hit your clitoris, your vulva. And that feels great on the penis as well. So using A small clitor revive. There's a few ways to do it. You can use the before, during, after penetration. So we do like the tango, the wish, the jo pen pave or the grace are great ones. So to use during and then before, gosh, you can use all of them beforehand. Foreplay, oral sex. You could hold it on yourself, on the spots that you know work best. You could show your partner where to hold it. You can trace each other's bodies and erogenous zones and look for, like, the inner thighs. Like, you guys, what you're craving, I think a lot of people is the teasing. You're craving that teasing on your. Your inner thighs, on the nape of the neck, your nipples, around the breast, even around your butt. Like there's all these areas, your knees, the perineum or the balls. I mean, go slowly there. But I'm telling you guys that it might just be exploratory. You may have never, ever tried any of these things. I remember woman telling me once that she was. She'd been married for a long time. And then afterwards she said she was with someone and he kissed her back and she was like. And it was the most intimate thing because she'd never had someone kiss her back. I guess her partner didn't ever kiss. She's like. And it was. It made me feel so connected and so close and so intimate and just something like a back kiss, like. Like to slowly, like trace kisses to all over your partner's body, you know, I think was it Will earlier we were telling. Or Jonathan about. Maybe Jonathan about finding his wife's orgasm. Like when it's all about her that night, kiss her all over her body. I'm telling you, you use your lips slowly on her body, maybe some massage oil, a little bit of vibrator like that could very well get an orgasm. So if you're in. If you're having sex, you're in missionary position. Let's say you can use the vibrator between both pubic mounds. So both. You will both be a pubic mound. And you can keep that in place so you can do slower, shallow thrusts, like if you're both on top of each other. And if you're on top, either partner can hold it in place when you move. If you're in doggy style, this is a great position to have your partner hold it over your clitoris or you hold it over yourself. I also like the finger vibe. So here's a pro tip about finger vibes. These vibrators are awesome because it stays on Your finger, like your finger becomes a vibrator. Like the Jo pen has the pave Liz, and it stays on your finger, so it's kind of like a ring. So anywhere you touch becomes a vibration. So I think that's easiest to use during partner play because wherever you put your finger, normally, you can just vibe it up, trace their nipples, their stomach, their legs.
It's super fun because you can also easily switch it. That was one of my favorite ones that I've used during sex.
So bigger things, like the magic wand, you guys. The magic wand is the. One of those popular vibrators, and it can be used for both partners. It can be used during sex. You can get on the couch or take two pillows and stick it nice and snug between the two and hold it in place because it's a big vibrator. And then your partner can enter you as you rest upon the vibrator, which is pretty cool. You could be lying on your stomach. You could also use a sex wedge. And the liberator even has a spot to hold the magic wand. So neither one of you have to hold it. You can just use it to vibe on you, which is great. It's really all about just finding, like, the different angles, comfortable positions, and knowing that doesn't have to be so well choreographed. If it rolls under the bed or makes a weird noise and you laugh at it, that's fine. But I think when you're all asking me every night of the week, what do I do that's different? How do I spice it up? How do I ask for what I want? What is it with the toys? Why should we use them? Well, there's why. There's why. The vibration's not that it's better. It's not that it's superior. It's not that it's even necessary. But what it is is adding a little vibe to your sex life is just a way to kind of make things more interesting. It's like having dessert one night, having ice cream every night. And sometimes you add some chocolate sprinkles, and sometimes you want to add some marshmallows, and you want to make it a little more tastier, a little bit more robust. And I would say that's what the vibe play does for you. So check that out.
It's so interesting because there are certain toys I feel like I want just for masturbation, and ones that I'm like, oh, yeah, definitely. With a partner, this would be so much fun. Like the womanizer. To me, it's like, that's all on my own. Yeah, it's all on me.
Me.
And because it like, is the sucking and the.
We just have a very bond, a very private bond together.
I know we might like shut down if you bring someone else in, right?
Well, no. And also it's like, it really is like for me, one of the more powerful orgasms clitorally that I've ever had. And I just think that a guy watching that would feel a little like, whoa.
Right, I understand that. Or. Or he might be like, that's so fucking hot. Let me do that for you.
That's true.
Yeah. I think a woman orgasming secure man seeing his woman orgasm intensely would just be really turned on and happy for you. That's the guy that's ticket.
Do you have like a favorite you like to use?
I like using the Touch. The we vibe touch. I like using the Tango. I like using the we. The. The Jimmy Jane form too.
Oh, that's a good one.
I like that one. One.
The plus one Vibe.
Plus one vibe. Guys, plus ones are awesome. They're really reasonable. You get them like at Walmarts and in stores and stuff. And they're actually good sometimes stuff in drugstores. I was like, eh, but I like it. What else have I toyed with over the years? The pivot. I like that as a cock ring. I like the hot octopus cock ring is amazing.
I think all my clitoral vibes. I like the Jeju Mimi.
The pivot was the first one I ever used with a partner.
I remember that.
Yeah.
That wasn't even that long ago, was it?
It wasn't. It was. Honestly, it was like this year because I was never in like the place where all my sex toys were held. And then I was like, I'm going to just put this in my purse and one of these days. And then that it happened. But I always have the Mimic in my purse, which is hilarious.
That is funny. Is it still there now? Is it charged? I like them. The Mimic is a great one.
It's still there.
It's charged.
I take it out to charge.
That's hilarious. It's good. Your backup. I think the Mimic is a very cool one too because it kind of matches the. It goes. It lays over your labia and it sort of match. It sort of fills into the grooves of your.
Oh, that's the shaped one, right?
Yeah. It's like a stingray.
Yes, it does. It really does.
I have a question about sex toys with partners for beginners. Do you have any suggestions for oh.
Because you've never used one.
I've never. I used. Well, my partner tried using a cock ring and then things it, so.
Yes.
No, I haven't. I don't count that one, so. I know I haven't used it.
What do you have? What would you.
I don't have anything specific.
What do you like? Should we give you a partner? What do you want? You know, all the toys here. I mean, I would say. I would say something that fits in your hand. Like the.
Yeah.
The tango or the touch. Just like a little vibe that you kind of. And can show them, like how they do it. Sometimes they like to do it or. Yeah, just something honestly, that fits in your hand or like you can hold with your fingers. Yeah.
Okay. Because the. The finger vibe sounds very intriguing to me.
That's a great one.
Yeah. For as a beginner.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the finger vibe is great. Do you have any more of those?
No, I think we have. We don't have the pave one here, but we have like a couple other different ones in the closet to peruse. In candor, what if a partner just can't. Doesn't like the sensation of the vibration? Is there a way to work around it?
That's a good question. Some people might not like it. They might not like it at all. And I think there's a way to keep it so it's on your clitoris and doesn't have to be on them. Like, not every penis is going to like the same sensations. Or maybe they'll just like it on their balls, but on their shaft or vice versa. But I think if you. You can also keep it on your clitoris and then you don't have to. But then I think that some women don't like it either. So I think it's just. I think that's okay too. You could also decide that you're just going to like, mutually masturbate. Yeah.
If you already have a toy as a. As a male, how do you go about that?
Oh, if you already own a toy from a past relationship.
Well, because what if you're the one that bought it and it was expensive? I don't know. To me, I would just throw it.
Away, but I don't know. That's trick. I mean, that's trick. That's tricky because I know that happens sometimes. Like, oh, look what I've got here. And then the woman's like, oh, my God, did you use that on someone else? And it can become a thing. But I think if you clean a toy, it's fine. Like, it's kind of like using their toaster oven. Like, it's an appliance. It's a. It's a. Losing their video game. Like, you bought something. And yes, it's very intimate. You might have used it on another vulva. But I think if you clean it or you give it to your ex.
As a party gift, a parting gift.
I love it.
I mean, it's the same thing as, like, the. Their penis. It's also been in.
Yeah, your penis was somewhere else, too. I bet you that has more risks than the toy. I'm just saying.
With all these strains of herpes going around, I don't know if you should worry about the toy.
I know the thing at Coachella, the outbreak.
Oh, goodness.
Oh, my God, you guys. Yes. Isn't that all from sex, or was it just for people? Like, I don't know what.
I've never been to Coachella, but I can only imagine that, at least in the camping section, you know people.
That's what it was in the article. It was reported by people who were camping.
Oh, God, I'm so glad I wasn't.
And who do you tell? Like, who is collecting the data on this, though?
People are probably just reporting to the med tense.
I don't know. You know people. Oh, you would think it can come up right away. It can. That can happen. But. Whoa.
I have back to the sex toys in relationships. If you are not used to it or if you're uncomfortable with it, what are the kinds of things that you can say to your partner to introduce it to them?
You could just say, you know what?
I think I would love to show you my favorite toy and what it does to me, and I'd love to use it on you. Would you be interested in that now? You mean just say, yeah, just like.
Because I'm thinking, you know, I'm just thinking of all these scenarios and how it would go down in my mind, and I feel. I'm like, my hands are getting sweaty just thinking about saying it to somebody. And then, like, if somebody were to say it to me, I'd be like, oh, yeah, sure. Like, let's try it.
Yeah, I think there's a lot of misconceptions, too. Like, I think what you're probably gonna hear from people is like, oh, no, I haven't really tried that. I think it's more common, you know, and be like, yeah, well, let's try it. I think it feels good. And usually I just start on them and be like, doesn't this feel good? And I'll trace around him, give a massage, and then I'm like, here's it on me.
And it. And usually they're cool, but I think it's just like, this would be fun. What do you think? You want to see my toy collection? I think you keep it light and you just say it feels good. I think you'd like to see it. I love the sex we're having. Reinforce, reinforce, reinforce. Nothing you're not doing. Sometimes I just need a little extra. My little friend here. Meet my friend. All right, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your calls.
Let's talk to Ali45 in Colorado who's got a question about female ejaculation.
Hey.
Hi. Hey, Allie.
Hi there. I am so glad. I have been trying to call you. Can you hear me?
Yeah. Yes.
Okay. I have been wanting to get a hold of you. I told my daughter I would call you a couple months ago and I just haven't had a chance to do it.
I'm so glad you did. This is our time.
Yeah.
We got a date.
I love your show.
Thank you.
I think it is so awesome that you are talking about these kind of issues. So outwardly.
Thank you.
And I did get a womanizer the first time that I listened to your show and I had not had a toy for 20 years.
Okay.
So I got one of those.
It's awesome, right? Yeah, it's just. I love it. Right. Okay, good.
Yay.
Okay.
So, yeah.
You're on board with it? I love it. Okay. Right, the womanizer. Yeah, it's amazing.
What I called you about was female ejaculation. So my 16 year old daughter is having sex and we talk about it a lot, which is great.
And she is having female ejaculation. And I have never experienced that myself because I don't. But I know actually from talking to my husband about a past partner that you know, that it's something that's somewhat normal for females to do.
And so. But she's having an issue with it because it makes such a mess when it happens.
Exactly.
And she's like, mom, it just soaks it through the bed, like down to the mattress or it makes a huge mess on the floor. And so I said, well, I'm going to call sex with Emily and see if she has any suggestions about what to do.
Yeah, okay. Well, that is. Yeah. This is such a good. You know, I'm glad you called with this. So is it the first Time she's having sex is right now. Is this recently?
Yes.
Okay. And is it usually? Is it every time? Is it like when she's on top? Because typically it's from G spot stimulation or internal stimulation.
I think it is, generally. I know, like when he's just, you know, manually manipulating her. Yeah, it happens.
Yeah, it happens a lot manually. Yeah, that's common. Okay.
I think it's pretty much all the time.
Okay. And she's having orgasms, right? And pleasure. Because some people can ejaculate, not orgasm. Okay, good. So here's the thing.
It gets messy that she tenses up a lot and it. You know, and when it happens and it feels really. And it feels good. And so I'm assuming you know that that's coming along with orgasm, right?
Exactly. Well, I hope she masturbates and all that stuff. I mean, here's the thing about. She does Good.
She does not.
Oh, she does not. I would love her to masturbate. Yeah. Maybe get her.
I tried to encourage her and I showed her my toys that I got from you. And I've showed her, like, our little shower handle. You know, this is a great spot to do this.
Oh, my God, Allie, you're awesome. I just. I just wonder if she. I wonder if she is having an orgasm or if it's just ejaculation, because that can. I'm just curious.
I don't know. Sometimes it's just. You can never. I don't know. I've had ejaculation with that orgasm. So I want to say the thing is, there are a few things that you do with this. You either go in the shower. Not that you always wanna have sex in the shower, but if it's annoying to her, they could have sex in the shower. But she's 16, so towels. Just have a bunch of your old. Where's she having sex? At the guy's house. At your house?
Mostly at the guy's house.
Okay. I mean, honestly, you just put a bunch of towels down and. And that's what. And you keep some wipes by. Maybe she keeps some. Some, like, smaller towels by the bed. We had someone call and talk about having puppy pads, like pee pads on the bed, which I thought that was kind of a brilliant idea. And there is. If you want to splurge, there's something called the Liberator. That's the brand. It's a fascinator. It's called the Fascinator Throw. It's like a throw for your bed. And it looks like. Like a Super fancy plush throw, but it's actually like a sex blanket for this very specific thing.
It's called the Fascinator.
Yeah. We're going to put it. If you go to this. If you go to. Oh, Liberator is the brand and it's called the Fascinator. So it's just Libra. All you have to do is remember is the Liberator throw. But we're going to go to. If you go to sexwithemily.com we're going to put it in the show notes. It's right there. And you can click and take a look at it. But I mean, honestly, like, there's nothing. I think she just got to go, hey. Yeah. I mean, this is what. When you squirt, you just have a bunch of blank. You literally just adapt to it and you make sure it doesn't. It's annoying that it sinks. Goes through the sheet. So you just kind of put a bunch of stuff on top of it and.
Yeah. And that's what she's been doing.
Right.
And I told her, why don't you get like a waterproof pad? Like that was on the baby crib.
Exactly.
You know?
Yeah. Honestly, it sounds. But that's why not. They're only so big. What'd you say? They're so big. Right.
So I think, well, they're only so big. And she said to me, she's like, mom, it sprays out of me.
Yeah. Maybe on the floor, they could put some things on the floor. Kind of put some pillows down. Old pillows and blankets, like, because they're young. Right. I mean, she's 16. She's an. Is she? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe the family's got some old blankets and things and they just wash it. Like, I'd say because it is annoying. It gets all over the bed. But those are some precautions she could take. Just tons of pillows do it on the floor. You probably have old beach towels and that's just what you got to do. Yeah. So. But I think that's cool.
Can I ask you about a comment that you made, though, about like, maybe she's ejaculating, but she's not. Orgasm.
Of course.
What did I ask her to identify if that's the case?
Well, I guess we won't know, will we? But I feel like it's hard to explain, but I just. Because she. You. The reason why I brought it up is because you said she never masturbated. And so. And if it's the first few times she's having sex. She's 16. I think that ejaculation is not orgasm. For some women it is. For some women it's not. So if she still won't masturbate, has she ever had an orgasm without ejaculation? I guess is what I'm asking, too. Then that would be another way to find out, you know, when you have an orgasm.
I guess I should ask you.
Yeah, that would be the que. That would just ask some more clarifying questions. Okay. Sounds like you've got this, Allie. You know how to talk to her about it. So just say, I want to. Just make sure. Don't. Just like. I'm just. I'm curious about the orgasm thing. Like, have you ever had one without the ejaculation? Here's what Sex Emily said, and she was wondering if you've had one without. Just curious. No, don't. Try not to, you know, keep it light. See what she says and then you can call me back and we can go from there.
Okay.
Yeah, no, she's super open. I mean, she's been trying to look it up online and stuff, and she was excited that I was going to call you.
You are a good mom. So I love that you called. So let's see what she says. But I'm just curious. I just want her to be comfortable with masturbation. If she's having sex at 16, it could get so much better for her just to, like, masturbate and figure it out. But I think it's just confusing to girls. They don't know where to start. We've got a ton of beginner masturbation blogs@sexhenley.com. you know, there's a great book called Sex for One. My friend Jamie wrote a book wa called Getting Off. I don't know if she's a reader. Not everyone, you know, learns that way. But just to get her into why she should, how to do it, you know, so because she's still young, it's okay. Not doing anything wrong.
Yeah.
But thank you for calling. It's a good call. Yeah. Keep me posted. I'm glad you found the show, Ally. Thank you.
All right, we have Tony, 33, in Illinois who wants to ask about conflict resolution solutions.
Okay. Hey, Tony, thanks for calling.
Hey, guys.
How you doing, Emily?
How you doing?
Good, thank you. Good, good, good.
Listen, so I feel like a unicorn here. I have a complete opposite ordeal or dilemma with my fiance.
Okay?
Sex is amazing. Sex is great. I mean, it's like.
Off the charts. Okay. Never been disappointed. Never had.
Her say no to me, whatever. Or vice versa. It's like the best thing that comes to it is that she puts priority number one in that category.
Amazing.
But then I'm not priority number one in any other category. And I don't know how to.
Wait, wait, I'm sorry. So you're. You're saying that your sex life is the priority, but. But your needs are not met in other areas, Correct?
Correct.
Okay.
Use the priority of sex that she, you know, not. Not that it's a priority, but, like, it's important to her and she. She's always there for me with that. Like, it's never been an issue, never been a problem. But. Okay, we both agree upon that and everything.
Got it.
But when it comes to, like, give an example. Social activities.
Okay, okay.
Social activities.
Right now we're in kind of that limbo of. Of. Of engagement where we're. We had a date. We had it all planned out. Things got a little dicey. I wasn't happy with how things were happening and.
Be called off that date. But we still maintain communication and counseling and everything.
And we're doing everything normal. But like, for instance, she's not talking about me to her friends or her family.
I see.
Going away soon to a wedding that I was invited to several months ago. And there's. Even though we're talking and doing the therapy and all this stuff and having wonderful, great sex, all these things are working out and. And we are communicating. She won't go there with, like, why are you going a B.
Why.
Why aren't you incorporating me in this? And I can only believe it's because of the fact that she doesn't want anybody to know. I don't know.
Well, okay, and you guys are. It's your fiance.
Right? And how long have you got? How long have you guys been together?
Total over three years now.
Okay.
Dated for a year and a half, two years. We're in our 30s, you know, kind of on the oppression way, you know, So I wanted to make a decision, you know.
So has it changed? Yeah. No. No.
Yeah. See, these are basic things. Like, it sounds like you feel like. Like in their relationship, there's always one person who feels like they need their freedom. And typically there's one person who feels like they are about to be left or abandoned in some way like that they need more. So it sounds like you are in a place where she might be. Need some. Some space from you, and you feel like you're needing more from her. And so there's like this push, pull, and that can also shift in relationships. So it sounds to me like there might just have to be some more compromising and getting to know each other. Like, I didn't really understand the situation about the social event, but that does sound weird. And definitely talk about the stuff in therapy, but that she invited you and then uninvited you to a wedding, a destination wedding, right?
Correct.
Why doesn't she want.
And we'll talk about it now?
Well, it's not okay that she's not okay that she won't talk to you about it. Like, listen, so you said you're in therapy.
Yeah.
I mean, once a week there more with a headache than anything.
No, I know. Are you in there once a week? Okay, so. So what you got to say is, like, you got to maybe find another therapist if it's not working. But these are, like, really basic. These are things that are just deeper rooted in who you both are and how you want to live your lives and seeing if you have the same values. Like, you might have values, you should have the value discussion. It's important to me that we spend time together at these certain things. These are the things I like to do. Family is important. Sharing special occasions are important. She might. You know, I think you guys have more talks to do serious talks in your therapy before you walk down the aisle. Okay.
Let's see if we can make this possible for Bill, 37, in Florida, who wants to know how to satisfy his woman anally with his tongue.
Oh, hey, Bill. Happy Friday to you. Hi.
How you doing, Ted?
Good. How you doing?
A little nervous, kind of.
Oh, it's okay. Few deep breaths.
We're all chilling.
Well, so there's this girl that I've been experimenting with lately, and I want to spice it up like you've been saying, Put a little bit more passion into it.
Nice.
And I feel like the next step might be to go down there. I don't know what I can say.
You can say anything. Anally.
Her B hole.
I know that might sound weird.
No, not at all, Bill. No. Bill. Analicking. No. 2017 was the year of anal licking. I'm telling you, Bill, I got more calls and more emails about anal licking in 2017. It is on the rise. So you would. It's not a weird question at all. And I understand it like, it's. You know, that we have a lot of nerve endings all over our body, and when I was talking about earlier that we don't know how to explore them. We don't understand all these points of pleasure. So Bill, not weird. I understand it's awkward to call into a radio, but you came. Just came to the right place. So, Bill, has she said that she's interested in it or you just kind of want to. Have you ever guys ever talked about it?
All right, so I'm one of those guys that cannot really pick up on vibes.
Okay. Yeah, a lot of guys can't. I gotcha.
I feel like she's. She's wanting something more than what I'm giving her.
I really do enjoy her.
So that.
That's main reason why I want to try something new. And I figured, you know, and another question, side question on this. This might sound a little weird, but what if she would want to do to me? Is it the same effect?
Oh, yeah. If she wanted to penetrate you anally or lick you anally. Yeah. Is it the same effect? Oh, oh, oh. Okay, got it. No, got it. Okay. Sorry, Bill. He's like, I'm not doing that shit. Yeah, go ahead.
Just like maybe lick or something like that. Because I know there's like, something.
Yeah. Prostate. Yeah, that could feel great to you too. Absolutely. Well, but here's what I want to say, Bill. So right now you're making assumptions that you're getting a sense. You said that she wants more from you, so tell me why you think that. Did she say something? Was it body language?
Yeah, it just been the same, you know?
Oh, yeah. Then for sure you have to spice it up. So here's what you should do, Bill. Why don't you talk with her and say, you know what? I've been driving, thinking about you, and I love our sex life. God, I can't. And I want to be the best lover you've ever had. Tell me something you've wanted to try or what are you into? Like, and I. Let's do it. And here's some things that I was thinking, or maybe you guys go to, like a sex toy store together. Or you could say, I was thinking about licking your ass. Would be really hot. You know what I mean? So rather than just guessing, having a talk with her about it. And that's just really hot too, because remember, the brain is the largest sex organ. So when you talk to us about sex or any men, women, we hear the words that you want to please us. Like, that's part of the fun, Bill. So you don't have to, like, figure it all out on your own right now, but by talking about it, you'll get all the information you need.
All right.
Start with that. Yeah, Bill, keep Going. These are all good. Yeah.
What. What is a. Does pheromones. I know pheromones come that from down there too. Did that have anything to do, like maybe rub. Rub it on me or something like that? Maybe she'll just kind of be turned. I'm like an aphrodisiac, you know?
Oh.
Like pheromones. Like, if you. I mean, pheromones are, like, why we're attracted to, like, certain level, like, our pheromones. Like, they always. Like all the studies about a woman, like, with men's sweat, like, sleeping with his T shirt over time and the reason why we're attracted to each other. But there's no. You're asking me. Are there pheromones that you could buy, or is that why you're attracted to each other? What's the question?
Like some kind of spray?
You know, they do sell pheromone sprays. I think it's really about our natural sense and what attracts us to our partners. So I think. I don't know. It's tricky. I think you guys could go to a store maybe and spray some pheromones stuff on each other and see if you like it. But I don't think that's gonna be the thing that's gonna get you there. What will be is talking to her. And if she's like a lot of women, she probably wants more foreplay, some more oral sex, some compliments, maybe some gifts. You guys should take the love language quiz. We'll put it in the show notes. It's amazing. Bill, Send it to her. You'll find out if she wants touch or words of affirmation or, you know, or get. There's all these different ways. I feel like you really want to be a good and a good man to her. And so, you know, why don't you just have some talking to her about it and figure it out?
All right. Okay, Bill, we'll be here for you. Thanks for calling. You did great.
Okay, let's talk to Tony, 38, in Wisconsin, who wants to know when you know it's the right time to walk away from a relationship.
Hey, Toni.
Hi, ladies.
Hi. I like this question. I feel like I can always help people, like, tell me what's going on. Let's see if you should stay or go.
So I've been in a relationship for about 20 years. I'm married for about 10. And just like the young lady who wrote that kind of tuned in a little late, but the email and everything.
We actually were really young and one thing I'm definitely going to say is, definitely, do not get married marriage until you build 100% trust. Because it kind of went the other way, and now I'm kind of, in a way, paying the price. I find my husband to tell a lot of, like, little. It could be white lies to him, but they're big lies to me because he. I. He knows that one thing I absolutely do not, do not tolerate is lying, even if the littlest things, because it takes me a long time to feel trust. So my wallet is super up, and we've just been struggling, and every time I give him a chance, he messes up and tells me another lie, whether. No matter how big or small it is. And I'm kind of getting sick of it. I feel like I've already checked out, and so I just don't know when to say, like, okay is enough, enough. And we've actually gone to counseling, and we thought we were on the right path, but then it happens again, so I don't know. When is it okay for me to call it cool. I'm done.
Yeah. Well, what's he lying about?
It could be about sometimes the littlest things. It could be like, oh, I'm at work, but yet. No, you're not, because I could, you know, I can kind of see where you're at through our iPhone.
And so do you think he's having an affair? Yeah.
Oh, no, not at all.
No. So he's just lying. Okay.
Yeah. He says that the reason he can't be honest with me is because I. I blow up. But it's not the fact that I blow up. It's the fact that I know when you're lying, and yet I catch you in a lie. And even when I give you the chance to be honest, you're not right. And that's when I blow up.
And so what does. The therapist said? Like, have you guys been in continual therapy? Like, once a week for like, a, you know, a year.
We have, and things are going well, and then it just kind of like, it just fell off the wagon again. And. And I know it's part of me. I'm not, like, maybe the simplest person in which he doesn't understand, I told him, is that I wasn't always this person who blows up when I'm being lied to. It's just that I just. My wallet is super high now, and I just can't. It's harder for me to get over it because. And to trust again, because I know it's gonna happen.
Well, it's been 20 years of lying, so I don't blame you. I don't blame you at all. Like, I don't know. Like, what does a therapist say? Like, I don't. I don't. I mean, I understand. Like, and like, here's the thing. He's not like a horror. It's like, both of you, you guys have. In 20 years, you've created a dynamic of your own that, like, he's afraid to be honest because he thinks you're gonna blow up. Maybe you did blow up in the past, but now it's like, maybe it's the compulsive. He doesn't even realize he's doing it. But that's just. Doesn't feel good to you or to him, probably. So do you still love him? Do you still want to have sex with him? Is there intimacy? Are you just, you know, what else is going on in the relationship, really?
Not really. I. I think at this point, we're kind of doing the fake it till you make it kind of thing.
Right. But you've been doing it. Yeah, well.
And I just. It's hard for me to get over things, and I already know, and I told them, like, listen, I think I need to go and have. See, have a therapist or have some counseling because it's hard for me to get over this. I. I just can't.
Well, I absolutely think you have to on your own. Own too. Yes. Because I don't want to tell you on this one call. Yeah, I mean, Toni, I'm not going to tell you on this one call. Yes, you should leave him for sure. But it sounds like that I'm just telling you this is why I love therapy. Because we all, at some point, we can't figure out in our head. In fact, we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves different. Like, we lie to ourselves or we create facts. We think our thoughts are facts, and they're not. So, yes, I think that you should get. Find a really good therapist. And if you need to go twice a week right now, if you're in crisis mode, I've done that before in my life where you just got to get some answers. I think if you find someone you trust, you explain that's going on, you can get some answers and decide if you should stay or go. Because right now it's like, it sounds like you guys have tried together with your own therapist, but I absolutely think you need your own. And she can help you make that, or he. He or she can help you make that decision. I think you should just do that.
We're not really feeling like we're a married couple anymore. It's changed. And. And not that, but this is. The crazy thing is that we still enjoy each other's company, but I just don't feel in love with him anymore. I must say this completely burned out, but I just don't feel it. And I don't want to feel it because my guard is so high.
Of course it is.
So I've come to the realization, I think, by listening to you as well, that I think I need to work on letting. Learning the lessons go so I can try to forgive and move forward, I guess, and see if. Even if. If this marriage is even worth anything. Because on top of that.
I did kind of go out of my marriage a little bit, but I don't feel guilty about it.
Okay. Right.
So I don't feel. And I never said anything and nor. I don't think I ever will.
Yeah, I don't think. Yeah, I don't think you have to, but that's a sign. Yeah. This. You should not say anything to him at all, because then he's gonna be like, well, you're lying to me. But, like, is he a person of integrity? Like, do you really respect him? Is he good at his job? Does he lie? You know, is he, like an honest person? Overall?
Like, overall, he is. Yeah.
Okay, so he's not lying to his mother, not lying to his, you know, people in his life. Like, it's not just you. He, like, somehow.
I'm sure he does. Little white lies. I'm sure there's these little white lies that, you know, like, little white. White lies that we tell everybody.
Nothing major.
Yeah. I mean, I think after 20 years, too, and you're feeling. I think you definitely should. Should talk to someone here and get. And get some help. But it just. Sometimes it's too late. I mean, sometimes it has moved on. If you feel like you just don't feel it anymore. But I can't. I think what. I think before you leave, it's always good to know that you've done everything. And, Tony, if you haven't done everything, like, if you feel like. Yeah, you know what? I'm not so sure yet that I'd say yes. Get yourself into some therapy. Work it through, and then make a decision. Give yourself a deadline, like in the next few months, because 20 years, like, you got to figure it out, you know? But I think committing to figuring it out with the help of a professional will do you wonders. Okay.
And actually just thank you. And then actually, just from that, I don't know if it was an email or a letter that. From that young lady, but I do believe that absolutely, definitely don't get married, because I kind of did it that way, and it didn't work out for me. And I would think for anyone else to go through that also.
Oh, my God. Thank you so much, Tony, for calling in. Yeah. Because Emily's 24 years old, and she was thinking of getting married to someone who was lying to her. So I think people lie, and you can learn not to lie. You can, like, get into it, figure out, and do your work. But if you don't do your work, it's just gonna wreak havoc on yourself and the people around you. So thank you, Toni.
Why is it that people get stuck on this, that. That do say that they lie? Because you blow up. It's like. But I only blow up when you lie.
I know. Well, that's when you get into that wicked, like, chicken egg thing. Like, that whole, like. Yeah.
It's so weird to me because it's like, I've been through that.
Yeah.
And I've been like, literally, if you just tell me the truth, I'm not gonna get mad.
Right. And it's gonna be because they're past conditioning. Like, all the women always got mad at me for this. That could be it too. Or maybe they just. You know, I. I don't know. There's a lot of reasons for it, but I think it's frustrating. Yeah. You have explained that to me. I remember about your. Your ex. It's so frustrating. So if this is when I say couples won't be able to figure it out on their own until they get some help. But a lot of times I think I've heard men say, like, oh, you can't tell women anything because my last girlfriend would get upset about this. But. But you don't know that your new partner. So they lie. You know, they're like, oh, I'm not going out with my buddies tonight, But I really am, because girls, well, they just get mad. Like, no, not everyone. So don't make assumptions. I think that we. I think the truth. When they say, like, the truth, you say, set you free and always be truthful. Like, I think that when we just lead with the truth is just in relationships and don't make assumptions that people are gonna get mad is when we really have great breakthroughs and connections and vulnerability and all those things. All right, guys, thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed the show. I love hearing from you. So let me know feedback about the show. What kind of guests do you want to hear? What's your favorite episod? And of course you can always send your questions. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristin, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.
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