Dry Spells, Long Distance Love, and Dealing With the Dating Apps

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Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm talking all about dating. How to make the apps work for you, how to figure out exactly what you're looking for in a partner, and how to spot the red flags. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

I thought it was odd that he had these strong feelings towards me so soon.

It's odd.

And so now he's got me on this holding pattern, so to speak.

You know, don't hold, run. He's love bombing you.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

Today I'm taking your calls and diving into the fun but sometimes frustrating world of dating. Are you looking for some right now? Do you know what kind of person you're looking for? Or maybe you're just stuck on these apps and you can't seem to move it into real life. Well, we don't only talk about the apps in this show. I'm going to give you some advice. How to find people wherever you're at. Are you really looking to find Someone. Are you more of a passive dater? Because if you want to find someone, you got to prioritize dating. I get it. It can feel like a second job sometimes. But everything that we want to happen in life takes effort, intentions. With Emily, for each show, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show. It just takes a second, and I encourage you do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? It could be, I'm frustrated with dating, and I'm ready to break through and find my person. Well, my intention was to give you actual tools. You need to find someone who's right for you, someone who actually sees you, loves you completely because you deserve it. And I've been talking to so many more people lately who are just spinning their wheels. They're frustrated with all the ghosting and everything going on, and they keep dating the same kind of person. It doesn't work out. So you can change that. I am here to help. All right, let's dive into the first call. Enjoy the show.

All right, this is from Tiana, 29, New Jersey. I've come to you about an issue with dating. I've been single for about five years and have recently dated someone who I thought would be open for a relationship. He told me he didn't want to commit, and it broke my heart. I thought I would be okay with friends with benefits, but that made it even worse for me. I've been thinking of the pros and cons about him and my ex and what kind of relationship I want in the future. I decided to go on a dating app and just put myself out there, but I hesitate to speak with them or meet them because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I. How can I face this fear? Oh, Tiana, I hear you. When we go through a breakup and our heart gets broken sometimes the first time it gets broken, it just can really, really hurt. And then that. It only takes one heartache sometimes to just get us off track, especially, you know, when you think it's going to go somewhere and tell you to want to commit. But how you face this fear. There's a few steps that I always recommend, and you've done some of them, and that is, you know, first you thought about the pros and cons and what kind of relationship you want in the future. That's really, really important steps. So good for you for doing that. But some other things that I recommend that are important are focus on, like, loving yourself. It is all a journey. There's the masturbation part of self love. There's loving who you are today, knowing that you have all these great things to bring to a relationship. Getting clear on your needs as well is important. I know you said the pros and cons, but. But what are your needs? What's important to you in a relationship? Like, you want to be seen. Okay, that's a really important one for me. I want to date someone who gets me, who knows me, like, where I feel seen. I can't even think of a better way to say that. But I. I'm dating people and I'm just like, I feel so seen. They notice the little things. They show up and they pay attention. They participate in communication. They. They show up when you need them. That's a non. I don't date assholes. I don't date people who don't care about me. You know, but in the past, I think a lot of us have dated people like that. You know, I think you only date a few people that like that, that weren't. That don't work, I hope. And then you feel like, oh, actually, I deserve better. But sometimes the more time we take, it can be a lot harder to get out there. So just recognize right now that you don't have to go right into a serious relationship right now. So what I recommend that you do is try to go on a little mini date, meet someone for coffee. You're already on the dating app. It's just a matter of facing that and saying, I'm going to try right now because I love myself enough and I care about myself enough to face this fear. And once you do it, you're going to say, what was I waiting for? You're going to realize there's a lot of great people out there. And you already were hurt. The worst thing did happen. You're still here. And I promise you that you are stronger because of it. Just because you go out with someone doesn't mean it's a relationship, doesn't mean that you're walking down the aisle. It just means that you're going to. It's exercising a muscle. You know, dating is a muscle. And if we don't exercise that muscle, it gets a lot harder. Just like going to the gym, you know, we lifting weights every few times a week. It feels great. And then we stop for a few months, and it's really hard to get back out there. Well, you've waited five years. And so if you can take baby stacks, you're not gonna go back to the gym and start Lifting the same weight you were lifting before. You're not gonna go back out there and get into a long term relationship right away, but you're gonna start seeing what it feels like to meet new people and to be in your body again and just feel like a woman that you know is hot and ready to date and who's fabulous person who deserves a lot of love and connection like we all do. So it could be a zoom date, it could be a coffee date, but practice it. And then you're gonna see that you can take that power back and you can face your fear. Cause fear is only false evidence appearing real. Let's talk to Mark 40 in Texas. Hi, Mark. What's going on?

Hi, first time caller, longtime listener. Thanks for taking it.

Welcome.

So here's the thing. It seems like I'm on these apps and I made some nice people, but to me it seems like it should be reciprocal. I mean, I realize there's always a chase factor and the guys are usually, you know, token with that to be the ones, the pursuers, if you will. But I don't know where it goes from pursuing to them not interested. Because it seems like I go on a lot of dates and then it's like I'm always like, what's next? Are we. I mean, not even trying to say take it to a different level, but it's just like, I don't want to be left on red or have the phone calls and come back the same way the women don't. So it's like, how does that get reciprocated and, you know, seems like a different world now.

It's a great question. So give me a specific example of what you're experiencing. Like, walk me through it. You go on one date and then what happens? You don't hear from them or it doesn't even get there.

Multiple conversations, there's text messaging, there's phone calls. They're set up for another date. And then after that initial contact, it's kind of like, okay, I even have the conversation with them where it's like, all interest is dead. And I'm like, hey, I get it. If it doesn't click, it doesn't click. We'll move on, no big deal. But then it's like, oh, no, I've just been busy. And then it's back to, I wouldn't say even say ghosting, but it's more like baiting. It's like they're always breadcrumbing.

We have a, we have a name for. It's called Breadcrumbing. When they just give you enough to keep you hooked.

There you go.

And how many times does this happen with you? Like, is this like, it happened three times, or has it happened, like, a lot over the last six months?

Well, I'd say I've only been on. I don't know, I'd say probably four dates with two different women, and both women ended up being the same way.

Okay, so you're just, like, creating a story now that. That Elle, dating is hard and everyone sucks, and you're never gonna find someone. And the reason why these experiences have just. It just takes one or two people ghosting and not returning our. Our sentiments. Because rejection is so hard. It's literally one of the most challenging human conditions. So when we feel it, it feels so much larger than. Or takes up so much more weight than other conditions. So I say, you're just getting back out there. It's a muscle. Not every situation is going to be like that. Two women there are. You're in Texas, Mark. Do you know how many women are in Texas that would love to be with Mark, who actually wants to be in a relationship right now, who's, like, a good guy and wants to follow through and doesn't want to put up for bullshit. You just haven't found him yet. And I wouldn't paint a picture that this is the state of the world right now. I mean, yes, people have always been breadcrumbing and ghosting. I think there is a middle ground between saying, like, okay, are you in or you out? Because all these people are ghosting me and just tell me and saying, I like you, and I think we should do this again. How? You know, make it and then ask him out and then just say, you know, somewhere fun or plan a date or say something. And then if you don't hear from them, I mean, like, cut it. Don't even spend time thinking about it and move on to the next. So make the offer. Be specific. I love when a guy texts me or calls me with a plan. He's like, I got tickets to this thing, or, I want to go for a walk here. Or there's this really cool thing I want to see. Had a great time with you. What do you say? And also, okay, I have to admit, Texas is a little bit different. Because you're saying, is there still this expectation that I have to put out the entire. All the effort? Is that what you're saying? I'm trying to understand your question here, because I just say.

I joke about that, saying, if you can't handle me at my worst. You don't deserve me. And I. Cause I'm like, hey, that's okay. I'm willing to accept those standards. But I at least think that it should be some sort of reciprocation. If you're not interested, by all means, don't be interested. But if you are interested, that means you gotta have something. There needs to be something there. Right?

You went on two dates or four dates with two women. Four dates, and they ghosted. And then they were more interested. But to me, this doesn't correlate with what you're saying, is make an effort. You asked. I mean, listen, you asked them out twice. I usually let guys ask me, okay, maybe I should Change this. It's 2020. But sometimes I have guys asked me out twice before. Maybe I say, not even consciously, but that is the way the world traditionally has been, that, you know, men make the offer. I would love that to change, but maybe they realized they weren't as interested right now, or who knows? But that doesn't mean that you won't find a woman who says, yeah, Mark, let's. Let's make a plan. Next. You want to come to my house one night or I'll make you dinner? Those women are out there. So keep going. And then keep your eyes open. Because the more you date, it's like it's a learning curve. You start to learn about yourself. It's like everything. Dating is a skill set. It's not just something we're all naturally. Like, we all know how to date, and we all know our own aptitude. You know, it's like you have to practice it. So keep going out there, and then you'll start to learn. Oh, this kind of person isn't. I can tell already this is the pattern from the women who say, who don't commit to me. You know, this is what it means. And you start to recognize behavioral patterns. And then, like, I think that they reject you. Like, that's like it. They did you a favor onto the next. But you get to learn from all of these experiences. So that's what I believe. And the sooner we cannot obsess about why things didn't work and what happened to us, because you knew them for three hours, and they've taken up maybe, you know, 10 hours, maybe 10 hours of worrying. Or we're talking about now, like, let's think about what you're going to do next. Who's the next person you're gonna swipe on? Maybe there's another App to try Bumble. The women have to make the first move. A lot of people love Hinge right now. You know, there's a lot. And just if you've got the time right now, just kind of craft it and get more specific. And then you'll develop the Mark way of dating that makes you feel that you are giving, but also receiving from women who deserve you in your time.

Well, thank you. I appreciate it.

Of course, Mark. Keep me posted. Call me back next week. Don't let this stuff stop you. You guys, you just. Dating isn't easy. It's not easy to find a partner, you know, especially now. You can't really see. See people. It's a whole thing. But anything that's worth having takes effort and time and focus. You just don't get lucky. And randomly, you know, some people get lucky randomly. People. But right now, the dating apps are exploding. There are more and more people who are dating online for the very first time than ever. So I think that's good news. That is good news. You just got to put up with some. You always got to deal with a lot of people ghosting, and a lot of people who are not what you thought don't look like their picture. But you will find your person when you prioritize it, change your behavior and make the time. This is from Stephanie. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now, and I feel like he secretly watches porn to get hard. I'm not sure if he still gets turned on by me, and it's made me feel as if he's unattracted to me. Does him watching porn make our sex less enjoyable? I also feel like I want to have sex a lot of the time, but I can't find a way to satisfy myself effectively. Please advise what I should do. And if this is normal, should I be worried? Porn is a whole conversation. I understand that feeling. And she doesn't say how old she is, but there is a certain feeling that if we find out our partner watches porn or it's a secret thing, I mean, that's a problem. I think we should just make the assumption that we're all sort of watching porn first off. And why do we have to keep it a secret? It's because I think a lot of times we get judgment from our partners. And I was that person. I used to think that if my partner was watching porn meant that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. I'm like, of course he wants me to look like the woman in the porn. And that Means that I'm not attractive. And it was so confusing. But there's like a learning curve here. Does him watching porn make our sex enjoyable? I don't think that him watching porn is making it less enjoyable. But what I'm concerned about, Stephanie, is your enjoyment. You're saying that you want to have sex all the time, but you can't find a way to satisfy yourself effectively. Do you know, this is. And this, I think, is the real part of the question here is that how you satisfy yourself effectively is to practice satisfying yourself. So if he's watching porn, are you masturbating? Are you figuring out what feels good, too? Maybe you should watch porn. People watch porn. It doesn't mean that they want. He wants to be with. I didn't understand at the point. When I was 22 years old, I made these assumptions that that's what it meant. But it doesn't mean that because people are going to watch porn in relationships and out of relationships, and it's part of actually being sexually healthy is masturbating. I think it's important that we all feel comfortable masturbating. I feel like I don't have to tell men that as often. Men are usually like, I'm good, I got this. But with women, there's still some shame. Or maybe it's just we don't have experience masturbating because it's not modeled as heavily in society. You know, male masturbation is, like, glorified in many ways. Like, oh, of course he's going to masturbate. But women, oh, we're not supposed to touch ourselves. But that's what I would love to see, is more of a celebration of it so you feel more comfortable, Stephanie. So I would say, first off, you don't need to be worried. What I'm concerned with is you figuring out what feels good to you. And don't expect that it's just going to come through penetration, because in this email, it seems like it's very focused on your partner and what he's doing. And then your second question was, how do I get turned on? Or how do I get satisfied? Now, if you are masturbating and you are having orgasms, then you gotta have a talk with them and say, I, this is what I need. This is what turns me on. Because our partners are not mind readers. That's another mistake that a lot of us make. We're like, well, I. I thought he would know. She should have known that I want this. He should have known how to make me Orgasm. How would he know? How does she know what you like? Everyone's different. You know, A lot of people assume that every partner wants the same thing. It's like, I'm great at oral sex. My last partner loved this move. Well, guess what? Your current partner, we can't assume they like this move. Just can't. So remember, you gotta have these conversations, and the sooner you do, the less suffering, more dating and relationship advice after this break. Thank you for supporting our sponsors. We love them. I hope you do too.

Let's talk to Daniel, 47, in New Jersey.

Hey, Emily.

How are you? Good.

Good.

I'm good.

Good.

Daniel, I listened to you all the time, and, yeah, I kind of was just. I don't know. I listened to you for so long, I thought to myself, I don't know, maybe Emily can help. So I figured I'd ask.

Yes, of course.

I got. I got tired of. So I got tired of the apps, and I like the social apps for the gay community. And then I started putting myself out there more at, like, community events, you know, as far as, like, bear community events or leather community events or bar events or, like, just started putting myself out there. And then Covid happened, so I kind of felt myself back on the app, back on the apps again. So now I'm kind of back. And then I said, I was watching RuPaul's Drag Race the other day in Vegas, but anyway, of course, what else? Yeah, so they talked about Tinder having this. It's like, go on Tinder if you want to look for relationship, and then go on Grindr if you want sex. So I decided, oh, well, maybe I'll try Tinder. I mean, if. If it's. Maybe it's more beneficial. So I've tried it, and I have to be honest with you, I had some really solid, good conversations, but I didn't ghosted twice for a date.

This is a scene right now. Ghosting is on the rise, and the apps are on the rise. I keep reading about all these studies, like, everyone's ghosting and breadcrumbing, you know, leaving little bit bits just to keep you interested enough. Well, Daniel, there's good and bad to this because there are more people on the apps right now every day. I'm reading a story about everyone the apps are. But maybe it's just not for you right now. And I don't know what the socializing is right now in New Jersey with. With COVID but I would recommend that, yeah, you could stay on the apps and do your thing. I Don't. And I don't believe that one's more this and one's more that. I think you find your people wherever you go, so I'll say that. But also, here's another exercise for the weekend.

Let people know every. That you're single. People like friends of yours that maybe don't know that you're looking. Say yes to something this weekend that was a no for you. I mean, are people having parties or barbecues or is there something, even if it's a zoom thing that you can go to that you wouldn't normally? Because that's like bringing it back, right? You're 47. You remember before we had apps, how did you meet people?

Yep.

And. And so letting.

Yeah, bars and, you know, clubs and things like that.

Well, outdoor things are open now.

New Jersey's like very, very, very limited still. I mean, our governor has been pretty strict about what he's allowing. So we only just opened indoor dining and. But bars and. Bars and clubs and things like that are still not open. That would be my normal. Yeah, that would be my normal. That's what I grew into. Because I grew out what I felt like. I grew out of the apps. So I felt like Tinder has been a little bit more of an adult kind of. There have been more solid conversations, even though I was, you know, ghosted twice. But I mean, there have been more solid conversations. I even thought about eharmony. Have you ever heard anything about eharmony?

Yeah, people love eharmony. It's been around a long time. One of the first.

I've tried Match and I've tried Match in the past and it just keeps matching with the same guys over and over and over again. It just wasn't really Good.

Did you FaceTime with or did you video chat or FaceTime with them first by chance?

Yep. You make a good point. You know, maybe that would be more of a better effort. I mean, I have to be honest with you. One, I got ghosted on. I'm like, you know, excuse my language, but fuck him. I'm going to dinner anyway. I'm going to enjoy myself. So I did.

Yeah.

But you know, I don't, you know, but yeah, maybe it do the video date.

Everyone's doing it now. It's not even weird. I mean, dating. Listen, I. I won't. I had a zoom, like a date with some guy like on Zoom. I met him and it was like a fix up, but it was so. It was so much better than texting back and forth. I have no time for that. And so we actually had a drink on Zoom and we talked. And I think first off, you're less likely to ghost. You're more likely to actually feel know if you were gonna like this person or not. And then if you risk it or go for a hike or go for a while in New Jersey, go for a walk with them, and you could do it. You could go for a walk this weekend. You take them, bring your mask, do a distance walk. And I would just insist on it. And it's not even that. All these apps have also put in these video features where you can easily chat with someone, because I hear you painting this story now everyone's ghosting and there's no one on the apps, but you just got back on it. It is a numbers game. And if you're really. You sound like you're really ready to meet someone. And the people that I know who have met long to had long term success on the apps are my friends who were kind of obsessive about it. They were going on a bunch of dates. They were. They were following through and they met people. I dab. I don't like the. I go on the apps for like a week and I'm like, I can't. This is like a while, but I can't. I'm not great with follow through. You know, I know myself, but if I was committed, like anything in life, you'll find that person and not only that, you'll really start to learn more about yourself.

So I do want to say that I love the idea of, like, the video because I guess I feel like it puts a little bit more ownership in an actual meet. So, you know, as opposed to getting ghosted, trying to make it to dinner or coffee or something like that.

But.

But on the side note, I just want to let you know the main reason why I like to listen to you is because.

I'm actually involved in the BDSM community, lgbtq, which is actually better known as the leather and kink community. So. Yeah, so that's why I like to listen to you a lot. Because a lot of the things, even though you. It's mostly male, female, heterosexual. Yeah. There's something you can apply to, you know, any kind of relationship or so.

Too, because I want, you know, I want it all to feel good to everyone, if possible.

Yeah, no, I appreciate that too.

You know, keep me posted on how the dating goes. I want to hear about the video calls now. I'm. I'm invested now in your future. So glad you called and it was really nice talking to you. Thanks for calling back. Enjoy the weekend. Bye, Daniel. Thank you. We'll be right back.

Mary's calling. She's also calling in about dating Mary, 55, in Illinois. Hi, Mary. What's going on?

Hi, good evening. This is my first time calling in ever.

Yay. You're welcome.

I appreciate you taking my. I appreciate you taking my call. And I'm glad that you are talking about dating. I'm a single mom. I've been divorced for five years and just very frustrated with finding or meeting men in my age group who want a committed relationship. It's just very frustrating. It feels like they're still out there in their mid to late 50s, wanting to play the field, you know, And I. I met somebody through a friend. I did the online dating thing a few years ago. It didn't really work out for me. And so I was very happy to be introduced to this gentleman. And he ghosted me back in February. He ghosted me for a couple of months. I didn't even know what ghosting was.

And so anyway, he ghosted me, and then he called me back a couple months later. And, you know, the pandemic had just started, so we did the video chats and, you know, got to know each other through phone calls prior to him ghosting me. We probably dated for maybe three weeks or so. Nothing much. Once a week, you know, and so then once the restrictions were lifted, we had a wonderful time. We dated, we went out to dinners, we went on a couple of road trips. We introduced our children to each other. I have a son. He has a son. You know, and everything was going great. He was mentoring my son to some degree because I was son in college, and. And the sex was good. You know, I'm going through menopause, and so that I listened to you yesterday, and so some of the topics you talked about really hit home with me. So I was doing what I needed to do to get my health in that whole arena, you know, back on track.

Yeah.

And I thought things were going well. He told me he loved me, blah, blah, blah. And then I noticed distancing. And I asked him, you know, what, Did I say something? Did I do something? And he says, no, no, no. I'm just, quote, processing. But he didn't really want to tell me what he was processing. And this went on for about two, three weeks where I noticed this physical distancing, which was hurtful to me. You know, it just felt like I was making an effort, but I was being slowly pushed away and then he eventually told me, and I don't believe this to be true because it was never an issue before his religious beliefs. You know, he's Christian and so am I, but said that, you know, he just felt that he's not practicing what he preaches because he, you know, he counsels young people in the church, blah, blah, blah, in terms of abstinence. And I said, well, you know, I'm okay with that. It's not a deal breaker for me. I'm totally okay with that. And I was. But that didn't seem to make a difference. And I, for the first time heard the term breadcrumbing today. And I believe that. That is what I believe. That's what he's doing to me. Because his last comment he was to be patient, you know, just be patient. And so I feel like he's got his cake and he wants to eat it too. He's got me in the wing.

How long we're married. How long were you with this guy?

How long we met, we met back in February at the end of January. And then like I said, he ghosted me, but we really started dating, like in person dating, I would say in June, three months.

And he ghosted you when. And he said he loved you and you met each other's kids. Yeah, this moved really fast. This is really fast, Mary.

And I also, I told him that too. I said, you know, let, let's let things happen organically because I went through a very contentious divorce. And so I'm very cautious, you know, about leaping into things. And I, I thought it was odd that he was feeling, had these strong feelings towards me so soon.

And so now he's got me on this holding pattern, so to speak, you.

Know, don't, don't hold, don't hold. Run. He's love bombing you. This is what happens. It feels so good when somebody pours on all that love and attention and adoration at the beginning of a relationship. And it feels so good to be loved and desired again because we haven't had it in a while, especially you coming off of a really bad divorce. And so even though we know in our head you're 55 year old woman, I get it. We've been dating, we've been around. We're not new at this stuff. It feels good. And we're like, well, maybe this is different. But whenever it moves that fast, he can't possibly know you yet and trust your gut. This is where women, our intuition, like you knew something was a little bit off, but it Felt so good. Right. So I would say he's doing you a favor. Now, is this the first guy you've been with since your divorce? Divorce?

No.

Okay. And it's been three months. And how has he ghosted you?

I had. When I asked him why he ghosted me, and this is what I think is really quite telling. He told me that he ghosted me and he told the friend who introduced us that he ghosted me because I was keeping him in the friend zone. And I thought, well, first of all, I've only been seeing you for three weeks. I'm certainly not going to throw myself at you. I'm, I'm a respectable woman and I'm carrying myself. You know, I hold myself to certain standards. And so he apparently ghosted me because I was keeping him in the, quote, friend zone. Although I don't think I was. And so I think it's really ironic now how months later he's semi ghosting me, if you want to call it that, because all of a sudden his religious values and his religious beliefs have come into play.

Wait, back up, back up. So the first three weeks you were together, you got feedback that he said that you were putting him in the friend zone. And then you clearly got out of the friend z zone, started dating, and then three months later, now he's go. I'm just following him.

Well, he dated me twice so far, so I guess this should be a lesson.

Delete his number. Delete his number. Your life is better without him. He has shown you who he is and believe him. Yeah, he's not.

Doesn't even matter what women like me, my age do to meet men. I mean, I dated someone who was younger and who was far more mature than some of these 50 something year olds that I've been meeting.

How'd you meet the younger guy?

At the gym.

Great. And now you can't go to the goddamn gym, right?

Yeah, actually I met him at the gym and it was a long relationship, lasted for quite some time, but I just find it really hard. I don't want to date a younger man. I want to date someone in my phase of life.

You know, have you let everybody know that you're single? Have you told your friends, your neighbors, your employees, Random, like the people that you trust that you're, that you're actually looking. But have you said to them specifically, hey, if you, if you happen to meet anyone, I'm actually looking right now. And you know, the crazy time we're in, so it's a little bit harder to Meet people. If you happen to meet anybody, please think of me and let me know. This is what I'm looking for. You can't expect people to be thinking of you. And I actually said this to a friend of mine last November and she fixed me up with two, two awesome people this year. They didn't work out, but they were fabulous. I was like, it's Jen Freed. She calls into the show all the time. She's the psychological astrologer. And honestly, I so appreciate it. And I had said to her, I said, you know, she goes, what's your dating life? I said, you know, if you know anyone. And so now she thinks of me. Today I talked to her about something else and she says, I have two guys for you. So all I'm saying is we have to do something outside of our comfort zone. Maybe that's not comfortable for you. You know, go on Facebook. You're probably on Facebook. Are you invited to any events that you would normally not go to? Say yes to those. Is there an outdoor something this weekend? Is there a meetup? If you like to bike ride or hike or do it, volunteer, there's these, you know, meetup.org I think it is. And there's for everything, go to in person meetings, volunteer, get out the vote. You know, do do something that you're super passionate about right now that's a little bit outside your box. Like, get out of your comfort zone. Because if you keep moving in the same grooves of your life every single day, you're not going to make space for new people to come in. So aside from the apps, that's how you're going to meet people, is making an effort to carve out space for that person and then you'll find I.

Just feel I have more years behind me than I'm moving forward. So I want to make the second half of my life even better than the first. And I just feel like time is passing me by, you know, and for a woman, I mean, speaking for myself here, I feel like my marketability, marketability is dwindling as I'm getting older because it seems like these guys my age are looking for younger women.

True. See, that's the story we started with Mary. I'm going to stop you there. That is a limiting belief and that does not serve you. Nor is that true. Many guys in your age group want to date younger women aren't available. They're players, but many aren't. And getting older women calling in their 30s who can't find anyone, it's not this Is a belief about age and we can't take along that with. You have a choice. And you could say, I'm gonna find someone at this point in life and I deserve it. Every you're gonna go home when we hang up right now, you're gonna write in your journal all the things that you want in a partner. Like get specific, specific. Like I want somebody who, who loves to drive because I hate driving. I want somebody who loves music because I like, you know, write it down, get it in your soul. Feel that person. What are you gonna do with them? What kind of activities are you gonna do? How are they gonna make you feel? Picture that person, manifest that person, you know. And I mean this stuff works. And so. But every time that belief comes in that says there's no one out there, say but maybe there is someone out there, you get to choose those thoughts. And I say choose the good ones. Choose the ones that serve you. Well, I believe you will find someone. But you have to believe you'll find someone.

I have to be more positive. I'm going to take your suggestions and I will, when I meet that someone, call you back. But I really.

Call me next week. Read me the list.

Wonderful show.

Thank you. Hey, call me. This is your homework assignment for the weekend. You're welcome. Have a great night. Mary, thanks for calling. You know, I was thinking about interesting calls tonight. You know, in a row, one after the next, after, you know, Aunt Mary, Daniel, Mark calling in about their frustrations around dating right now and that it's really hard to find somebody. And it's funny cause they all called in and it was seemingly different questions but all three of them super frustrated with the dating landscape right now. And there's validity to that. It is not an easy time right now. We are in a global pandemic. Everything's been shut down, there's more stress. People are worried about their health. So maybe they're not putting themselves out there as much. But the commonality was that they all feel that it's the cards are stacked against them. You know, they're believing this, that you know they're not going to find someone or everyone is one way. I mean every time you find yourself saying there's no one out there, everyone is like that, or I'm always going to be ghosted, I'm always going to be alone. That's what we call in the business a self fulfilling prophecy. The more you believe something, the more you think it, it becomes your reality. If we're constantly thinking about worrying about money for Example, I'm gonna go broke. I'm not gonna find. Do you think you're gonna make a lot more money that year if your thoughts are literally in that thinking all these negative things? No, if you're thinking, I'm not gonna find everyone, even if you're doing it for a few weeks or a few months. But that's your base level, is that people aren't good or there's not enough, or actually, you know what it is? It's that scarcity mentality that there's not enough. I'm not going to have enough. That is the lens in which you're going to see your life. And we can go into why we feel that way. We can go into, like, the conditioning. Maybe our parents were like that. Maybe in childhood we kept getting disappointed because, you know, maybe our parents were alcoholics and we grew up in a home where every time we got excited for something, the rug was pulled out from under us. Right? Your dad was gonna pick you up and take you to the zoo and he didn't show up again. You were going to go on that trip with your family and something happened and you were disappointed. So as a child, what we do is we think, oh, well, I can't get excited for anything. Nothing's going to happen. And so therefore, you might get caught in this mentality that I can't get excited for things. People are going to disappoint me. And then when you get older, you not even conscious, but you really, you think people are a disappointment. I'm going to be let down because if I get excited for something or if I believe in anyone, I'm going to get my heart broken. Like when dad didn't show up and take me to the zoo, it's really like that. And. But you realize that that's just a conditioning that you can sort of alter what you actually want. You know, to change your thought patterns takes effort, a lot of effort. But I can't think of anything better to do than to reprogram, rewire your brain. You know, I've been someone who has been meditating for 25 years and trying to live, you know, a seeker and on the path. But it's still hard. I mean, you don't have to go to therapy to do it. You could start tonight by writing down what you want and think about what thoughts aren't serving me. So it's not easy to do this. But the more you focus on what you actually do want and what it looks like and what it smells like and what it tastes like. And you know how it feels to be with this person. How to find that partner. You manifest that partner. It's not just like, I hope someday a man drops down the chimney. You do the work, and it starts with your beliefs. I know that I'm going to find my partner. I know it is true. I deserve it. I'm a good human. And to make sure that happens, I'm going to get really specific. And all the traits I want in a partner that I deserve in a partner. Someone who treats me well, someone who doesn't ghost me. Someone who shows up, who's reliable, who's loving, who loves their mother, who gives back, who's kind, who's generous, who's authentic. Write it all down and get specific. And then your mind thinks, I'm going to find someone. I'm going to find someone and they're going to treat me really well, and they're going to be kind and they're going to be generous and they're going to. And then it all gets wrapped in, you know, and then you truly, this is how it works. You start to believe it. You start to feel yourself with that person. And then when you. You see your friends, you don't say, oh, damn, all these people on the apps are ghosting me and they suck. You say, I'm on the apps. Haven't found anyone yet, but I am so can't wait to meet a partner that I can spend Friday night with. We're gonna barbecue and then we're gonna watch this show. That's gonna be a awesome partner life partner to have rather than getting together with your friends and bitching about how everyone sucks. I mean, you can do that for a little bit. Cause we do that. But if that's how you show up thinking that nothing's gonna work out for you and you'll never find that person. You're less likely to find that person if you don't believe that that person exists.

Makes sense, right?

So what are you gonna do to find that person? Well, that's it for today's episode. I'll see you on Friday. And thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review and tell all your friends, your partners, your lovers about the show. If it's helped you, I promise it'll help them, too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. You can also find me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all Sex with Emily. Oh, and I Give really good Newsletter Sign up at Sex with Emily if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, your dating life, relationships, message me on Instagram or call into my SiriusXM show Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific, 8 to 10 Eastern and you can just call me there. Save this number triple 894 stars or 888-947-8277 and get a free 30 day trial at sexwithemily.com sm.

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