Edge Your Way to Longer Sex

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super soft, ultra quiet, and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20% off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sexwithemily.com h e r a so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm talking about how to strengthen your orgasm, no matter what your gender or how you identify. Also, steps you can take to check in with your partner so you have better communication. And little things, you know, like leaving the cupboard open don't become a huge issue. All this and more. Thanks for listening. So it is really important to know your body first and getting into your pleasure and rejecting the people that aren't for you. I get it. That's a little confusing. The more you do that when you finally orgasm, you finally ejaculate, your orgasm will be that much stronger.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate conversation around sex. All right, today I'm talking about two things that I. I think are really important and fun. Actually, they actually will both help your sex life in your relationship. The first thing is, you know, I know that we talk a lot about female pleas and orgasms and how to have them and how to have multiples and she comes first and all those things I Say, but the truth is there are ways, many ways that men, penis owners, as we say in the business, could also enhance their orgasms, prolong their orgasms, their arousal, and I give them fair share. On this show I'm going to talk about how men can explore as well. Also, you know, I'm all about communication. Communication is a lubrication. How do you communicate with your partner? How do you get ahead of problems before they become much bigger? So really I'm talking about to check in with your partner, how to bring up big issues, especially you know, how to bring up small issues. And again, we don't want those little annoying habits of our partner to become something really big. So a few things I know that I want to talk to you about tonight. But the first thing I want to tell you is that interesting email from a guy who was like, you talk so much about women's pleasure and she comes first and all these things, but what about men? What about men's pleasure and men's orgasms? And you know, he has point. So we're going to talk about men's pleasure as well. It's about how do we communicate about our needs? How do we even get ahead of our needs before it becomes a big problem. This is from Ryan, 48 in Indiana. Hey, Dr. Emily. I'm trying to find information how a woman can give her man more and better orgasms. There doesn't seem to be much info on the subject. I can find plenty of information on how to give a woman more and better orgasms. Are there tips on how a man can improve his own orgasm? Haven't found anything on a woman can help her man have bigger, better orgasms either. Apparently a man is responsible for the quality of all orgasms in a sexual relationship and women aren't. I know this sounds bitter, but it's really weighing on me. And I hear what he is saying because I talk a lot on this show about women's orgasms and women's pleasure. And there's even a infamous book called, you know, she comes first by Dr. Ian Kerner. I think it just had its 20 year anniversary, but I get how that could make you feel as a man. It's like, okay, so now we're responsible for everything. We gotta ask someone out, we gotta make all the moves. And I hear you and I understand that and it is not fair. But the reason why though there I say these things is because women typically are the ones who are having challenges around orgasm and around arousal and around pleasure. Whereas men typically are going to have their orgasm, it's going to happen. They're going to get aroused out. You might orgasm too quickly before you want to, or you might take you a while to orgasm. But men are typically going to have an orgasm. That said, we can focus on that because there are ways that I might not even realize could enhance your own orgasm. Whether you are alone pleasing yourself or whether you're with a partner, you can absolutely tell your partner what you might need. Now I'm going to assume I'm going to talk about men being with women right now because you know, there are so many studies about couples and same sex relationships. They have more pleasure, they have more orgasms, better communication. So a few things and we also have a blog on our site called how to come Harder and Faster. We'll put that in the show notes@sexwithemily.com because everything we talk about on the show you can find at sex with emily.com so it is really important to know your body first, so what actually feels good to you and how to be able to advocate that and let your partner know what feels good to you. And being able to show them like it feels really good when you touch the shaft of my penis that way, when you use your tongue this way. But I think a lot of it, you know, has to do with for men. Here's just a few points. First thing that comes to mind is edging. We're talking technically about an orgasm prolonging your pleasure. That's all about edging. And what I mean by edging is delay our gratification. So the practice of edging can delay orgasm. When you delay your orgasm, you can have a more intense climax. Your orgasms again, nothing's for everyone. But I believe this is true from all the evidence and from myself. When I wait for orgasm or I more aroused or there's more foreplay that when we pause on our way to climb back. So when we kind of slow it down, we escalate. This is the edging. You get right to the edge and then you come back. That's how we call it edging. You get right to the edge of orgasm and then you dial it down. You keep touching yourself until you're about to orgasm. Pull back, you get to the edge, pull back. The more you do that, when you finally orgasm, you finally ejaculate, your orgasm will be that much stronger. So you just, you know, you can do that a few times and see how it goes. So you could practice this on your own or with a partner. The more we wait the more we build, the more we build tension and arousal, the stronger orgasms are going to be for everyone. So the truth is the tips that I give for women, I also going to give for men, that there's something about denying it. And edging technically is also a great thing for men who want to last longer in bed. So if you are premature ejaculator, working on this practice of touching yourself, masturbating until like you get to like 75, 80%, meaning like 100%, you're about to orgasm, but you come back down to like 75% and then you stop. And when you stop and you maybe just go back to light touching, maybe if you're with your partner, you go back to like making out and then you go back and you start to build the arousal again and then maybe you come back down again. You still don't let yourself ejaculate when you do this process, repeated cycle of escalation and de escalation. When you actually do have that orgasm, you're way more likely to have a longer, maybe more intense, more pleasurable orgasm. You know, a lot of us don't make enough noise during sex. I got to say that the more we vocalize, the more sound we make, the more, the louder our orgasms are. That can actually also intensify your orgasm. A lot of us hold back because we're afraid that we make a noise, it sounds weird or the neighbors are going to hear us. But it's really hot to be, I think express yourself, be loud. And I know, and I know it's better for your orgasm too. I mean everyone I think has the equal opportunity to having intense orgasms. I think that we all deserve to understand what it takes to have more pleasure, more orgasm. And so figuring out what that is for you. I think another thing is that a lot of us just rush right to orgasm and that slowing down and taking your time. You know, one of my top tips is to go five times slower than you think. And that prolonging and that teasing and that arousal until the point of orgasm can be so friggin hot. So specifically for men too. And this is for women, actually. See, I think a lot of my tips for enhancing orgasm and arousal for all genders, Kegel exercises can be done for everyone. Everyone can do them. We all have a pelvic floor and we have those muscles. And I know that a lot of men think that like they don't realize they can do that, but those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. So the stronger you can make them. They can give you more control over your orgasm. You could have more intense orgasms because you're building the muscles response. Like, those are the muscles that, if you think about it, it's the P stopping muscles. So when you're trying to stop and start the flow of urine and you tense and relax and tense, those are the muscles. And if you do them five minutes a day, you actually realize that you just might have stronger orgasms, more pleasure, more bladder control as well, because there's also some body parts that are actually going to make your orgasm stronger too. So the other thing for men to enhance their orgasms and their pleasure is, you know, men have a prostate, right? We always talk about the female G spot, or women have the special spot, a special area, as I like to call it. But for men, that is your prostate. And all men have a prostate. And for many men, that can feel amazing. And playing with that area either when you're alone or with a partner, can really enhance your orgasms as well. Just using a finger and going inside it can be sensitive. You could do it at the same time of arousal when you're having sex with a partner, when you're masturbating, playing with that, your prostate and learning how to stimulate it could give you intense orgasms. Definitely intensify them. You know, some other things you could do, I think of other areas like the taint, your perineum. Think about the taint. You could apply pressure in that area right in between your penis and your anus. That little area there that could feel so good. Either you or your partner applying pressure right there in that area, in between, because you're like indirectly stimulating the area, the prostate. Actually, you could stimulate your prostate gland externally by pressing on your perineum. Did you know that? The taint, if you will, that can feel great as well. Another great thing speaking of prostate is we Vibe makes this product called the Vector. And that is an easy way to explore your prostate. Put it inside your prostate and it vibrates. You can use an app to control it and explore. Listen, it's all about exploration. Another great product to use a toy is the Zoomio. And these are all on our website as well. But Zoomio makes a really cool toy that it's sort of like built for exploring because we have so many nerve endings on our bodies that we don't ever explore. We're like, okay, my penis feels great. My nipples feel good. My clitoris, I love that. But the thing about the Zumio is that it pinpoints areas for pleasure. So you could use, you know, and listen if you still feel like, vibrators and vibrations and vibrators or I was like, vi. Breeders are only for women. Vibrators don't discriminate. They're good for all body parts. And it just is a way of sort of like slowly discovering what feels good. Another great thing to do is slow down. Slow everything down five times slower. That is going to prolong it. Let's talk to Nadine. 40. Hi, Nadine. What's going on?

Dr. Emily, I have a question.

Sure.

I really tries a lot of, like, medicine. Any over the counter. Can you tell me, like, how to last, like, longer?

Yeah, absolutely. It's a great question because this is what we're talking about. We're talking about lasting longer. Now, you said you've tried medicines. I'm not sure what that is, but I wouldn't recommend antidepressants. I mean, there is something. The only thing I would recommend is promescent, because it's a topical put on your penis. Men last like, up to, to 60% longer. It's like you put it on 10, 15 minutes before intercourse and you can last longer. It's a delay spray. So that's one thing. So it's called promescent. We have it on our site. But if you want to learn, Nadine, you want to train your body, first thing I recommend for all men is edging. And that is what we've been talking about is when you're masturbating, you masturbate until you're about, like, let's say, you know, 100% is an orgasm, Right? So you masturbate to, like, you're at 6, 75%. You feel like you're about to hit the edge, and then you come back down and you are playing with those muscles. You're actually learning to understand your ejaculatory control so you can understand and train yourself so you don't orgasm. Also helps to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles. Your Kegels. Have you tried any of those things?

No, honey, I did not try them.

I would recommend all those things because it's a process. It's a process to last longer. You know, you can orgasm, but what about playing with your arousal? We've got some great blogs on our website@sexwithemily.com, we're going to put some in the show notes right now. If you go to sex with Emily and you click on the show notes, you'll see that we'll put some links to blogs I would just try to find somebody that works with Men's Health specifically and I would definitely get another opinion because I believe everything's possible. Okay, don't go anywhere. We've got so much more to talk about after this break.

This is from Sarah, 23, New York. Hey, I'm a 23 year old girl with double A cups. I keep seeing posts that boob size doesn't matter, but I'm having trouble getting it through my head and it definitely affects my confidence in intimate situations. How can I feel confident and sexy in the bedroom with my super flat chest? All right, Sarah, thanks for this question because you know, I get it, you don't see culture society glorifying smaller breasts. We're never told like from a young age, like, oh, big boobs and all that stuff. But here's the thing about confidence. Just remember it is a. I love that you're asking this at 23 because it is a process and it takes time to learn to accept our bodies and love our bodies. And I don't. I guess what I always thought was and what I still believe for my sexual confidence, what really helped me was understanding like what felt good to me. So when I was with someone intimately, like I felt confident in my ability to move in certain ways that felt good. Like through masturbation I learned about orgasm and I learned about pleasure. And so I feel like that confidence truly is. And I don't want to sound cliche, but that really is like the sexiest thing in the bedroom because somebody was confident and knows their bodies and what feels good and knows how to give themselves pleasure and others pleasure. Like that is sexy. So. Well, I can't get you to say like you should just love your body. There's a certain amount of body acceptance that I like to preach. There's some things, you know, we've talked about, like exposure exercises like getting naked in your bedroom and looking at your body and touching yourself all over and realizing like how magical your body is and how much, much pleasure you can give yourself. You know, maybe you can have a nipple orgasm. I think that many of us can, but we don't know because we never try it out. And also just know that this whole notion that only like your partners want to be with that everyone is craving large breasts, I can tell you just not true. Now maybe I haven't been with those guys because they're just wouldn't be attracted to me. But like I don't spend my time worrying about the people that aren't attracted to me. I Spend my time worrying about the people that I'm attracted to and return that. They return that attraction. I could spend a lot of time on those negatives. But just like everything in life, when we focus on our, literally our assets and the things that just make us who we are uniquely and all the pleasure and erogenous zones and all those things. So I think the first thing realizing like it is in your head, maybe you were shamed, right? Maybe someone said, oh, I couldn't be with you. And then I would just say, like, even though that might hurt, that's not your person and you will find someone who is your person. So that's what I think. Again, it's a progress, not perfection. And keep working on yourself and not making apologies and not saying, I know they're small. And just like learning to say, you know what? I like my body. This is what my body can do. And getting into your pleasure and rejecting the people that aren't for you, people show you who they are. Believe them. You guys. You can also send me questions to feedbackexwithemily.com I know a lot of you are sending emails through there and through our Instagram. It's ex with Emily. Okay. We have another one from AJ35 in Boston and he says, I'm a straight male, but I've used my girlfriend's vibrator on my frenulum and it feels pretty great. Is there another toy you would recommend more? So if you don't know, the frenulum is the underside of the penis where the shaft meets the tip. So think about that. Like the un, when it's erect, the underside of it, there's this little area there. It actually is leftover erectile tissue. If you're circumcised, that's actually what that tissue is, why it's so sensitive, just FYI. And if you are non circumcised, your whole all your foreskin is sensitive. But anyway, that's where the frenulum came from. And I think I've told this to a lot of penis owners and they're like, I didn't know it had a name, but yeah, that feels really good. So that is the frenulum. Just think of it as your new best friend if you didn't already know it. Why I love when guys ask me questions about toys is because there is this notion that toys are just for vulvas or like women, you know, we have the, you know, monopoly on vibrations. And if you use a vibration, men shouldn't need a vibration. Well, I'M telling you, vibrators, the vibration sense feels great on so many parts of our body. I mean even the magic wand, which is a big external vibrator, it's actually started as a massager. So it's a great way to incorporate into a personal massage with a partner or with yourself. But for your frenelum, there are a few toys for men that are awesome. I recommend the hot octopus. It's a masturbation sleeve, if you will. Kind of looks like a think of like a hot dog, right? And your penis is the hot dog and it wraps around it and it has this little oscillation function. So it's not so much a vibration, but when your penis is resting in it, it sort of oscillates right on the frenulum and it feels amazing. Like I gave one to an ex boyfriend and he like I didn't see him for a week, he's like this friggin thing is amazing. There's also just like little bullet vibes. Always says you took your girlfriend's vibrator so you probably know that. Really just like a little bullet vibe, like the new sensual is great. And also there's a vibrating penis rings like the one from WE Vibe. Colin here says he loves his vibrating cock ring. I'm so glad you haven't told me. Do you want to talk about it? The pivot, right?

Oh, sure. I'm not sure what I.

Did we not give you. Okay, but just tell me, tell me how you use it.

I for one, I did not know this existed three months ago and now it's like I just can't. It's amazing. It just feels great.

Do you use it with your wife? Do you use it during intercourse or do you use it on your own?

Yes, both.

Right.

And it's great with my wife because it's the way it's positioned. You can position it so that it vibrates on her clitoris at the same time, which is great for both of us. It's a nice easy way to get a vibrator going while you're having penetrative sex.

Right? Exactly. And we know that for the majority of women that they require more clitoral stimulation anyway during intercourse and that's how they're more likely to orgasm. So to me like a penis ring is the perfect like intro toy or gateway toy. Because first off it's intimacy building. Like it's, it's like you, it's a shared experience. It's not this notion that it's gonna like somehow take away from the relationship. It's not like you both go to bed at night dreaming of the cock ring. Like, maybe you do, but it makes you closer together, right? In a way.

Oh, yeah.

And you both get off.

It doesn't take one of your hands. You still can use your hands.

Exactly. There you go. You still have your two hands. And then you have a toy that feels incredible. Did you think before this, Colin, before you got that, that maybe, like, had you ever tried a vibration on your penis before?

I hadn't.

Oh, it's a whole new world, right?

Yeah. It's incredible. It's wild to me that we don't talk more about. Yeah. Using vibrators with penises.

Okay, let's. This is from Julie, 40, in Canada. She says, I'd like to give better oral sex to my boyfriend. But I find my jaw gets tired. Is there something I can do for that? All right. I like this question because I used to. I think that that has happened to me before. And I know it's a common complaint with people who are going down on penises. And they're like, my mouth hurts, my jaw hurts. I mean, it's really hard. How do I do it? How do I keep going? And let me tell you this. If your mouth, if your jaw hurts, hurts, when you are performing oral sex on somebody, it means that you're doing something a little wrong. And that is you are not using all of the tools that you have available. And what you also have available are your two hands. And those are your best friends when you are going down on a guy. Because it's not all about your mouth. I know. It's confusing. Blow job, we call it oral. And you're like, what. What were the hands? Yes. Listen, it's all about stimulating. It's all about the grip, the pressure that you're applying to the penis. You could use your mouth and hands together. So, you know, your mouth and hands are kind of following each other going down the penis and up the penis. You could use both hands. You could use a lot of. Always use a lot of lube. You know how I feel about that. But I feel like this whole, like, mouth tired thing means that you're probably also not relaxed either, Julie. Like, maybe there's a part of you that's in this. This tense. I gotta do it, right? I can't move my mouth. And I just think that we put so much pressure on ourselves. And so I think, like, a hand. I mean, our mouths can't provide what our hand can. Because you can definitely make sure that there's enough grip, there's enough friction, and again, working with your mouth. That is one of my top tips. But the other thing is what I wonder. There's this been this whole trend lately, and I would say there's a lot of things that I can track to the availability of porn on our smartphones. Since I've been doing this for a long time, I see where these questions started coming in. And one of them was about deep throating. And so there's this whole notion, because we see that a lot in porn, that perhaps that's how you give a great blowjob is by basically choking on a guy's penis. And I'm just gonna say that I believe a lot of that is for camera. And perhaps I don't have a penis, but there must be some kind of thrill in it, like, oh, it's so big. Or, you know, she's choking on it. And I think it's more perform than it is. Like, you got to have like a. You got to have your mouth in, your jaw hurt. And I also don't think that that is like the norm. I mean, maybe someone wants it sometimes or maybe they see it in porn, but I don't think that you have to do anything sexually until it causes you pain. And this goes for someone going down on a vulva. And I've heard this as well. My mouth gets tired. Mouth gets tired. Well, like, use your hands, get comfortable. Put a pillow down, get in a comfortable position. It's not like, go give your partner oral, and it's going to be torturous. It already is for some people. Like, a lot of people don't even like performing oral or they're just doing it to, like, you know, check it off the list. Which I don't want that for any of you. Like, I want you to enjoy whatever you are doing to your partner. And there are hacks. There are ways to enjoy it. I mean, let's say oral. So always add some lube, especially with the penis. There's flavored lubes that are awesome. We love Muse lubes that come in like creme brulee and mint chocolate chip and all these flavors that actually taste good. You could use. Use toys. Again, using both of your hands in conjunction with your mouth, your tongue, all the things. So make sure if you just stop for a minute and say, you know what, my neck's getting cricked here. Stop for a minute and keep using your hands. Because as long as you keep stimulating the body part of wherever you're at like, it's okay to take your mouth off and just keep using your hands. You've come to the right place. The other thing I want to say, for a tired jaw, the pivot. We're talking about the pivot. Penis ring. Cock ring by we vibe for a tired jaw. I'm telling you to Julie in Canada, who's like, I'm getting lot jaw. Just like, use your hand. You could put the cock ring on. You could just tickle the. The tip or the taint with a vibrator on a lower setting. I think sometimes the high settings is a lot for some penises. And I think in relationships we all crave variety. I think we all want something a little bit different. And so this notion that bringing in a toy, somehow crutch are going to take away, it's like, okay, or you could have sex the same exact way over and over again every day for the rest of your life. Bring in a different sensation. Have a party. Try the pivot. I don't have a problem with that. But maybe we have in our head there's a rule like, you can't stop, but you keep going and you can't stop. And I don't think you should just like stop and walk away. But like, again, using your hands, substitute for a moment and give your mouth a rest. So that's how I feel. Julie, those are great questions. I would also recommend another, like, thing that's in my toolkit right now. My sexy toolkit is, is I love. The XNS has this. They make all of these massage oils and they also talk about great flavors and scents. They have like, what is like vanilla and avocado and pina colada. And not in a cheesy way. They're like beautiful bottles and they smell really good. And they're massage oils, but they could also be used as a lube. And what I love about them is they smell good and they're not actually oil. Like I'm saying their massage oil, but they're not oil. And they somehow magically make it feel like oil. So you could massage your partner with it, you could use it for a hand job, you could use it for oral. And again, it's just one of these things that. And I don't know about you, but I've been hearing, well, I do know about you because you're all emailing me and calling me that like, you might be home with your partner the last six months unlike any other time, and you love each other and you like your sex life. But how do you do something different. And the great thing is, and I do this too, sometimes I catastrophize. I'm like, oh, I need to change something in my life, and I have to do a huge sweeping thing. I need to be so different and change everything. But a lot of times, especially when it comes to variety, your sex life, it's just like, one thing. Like, it could just be like, we're gonna give each other massages before we have sex tonight. I'm gonna give you a hand job before sex. We're gonna, you know, use a toy. All these things are, like, little changes or a new position. It doesn't have to be a whole overhaul of your sex life. It's just variety. And we crave variety. Because if you think about all the feel good hormones that are released during intercourse and during orgasm, and dopamine is one of them, dopamine is like that thrill seeking, which is why things are so great at the beginning of a relationship, like, the first six months, because you're so attracted to each other and everything's new, right? Oh, we've never done this position, and I've never seen my partner naked, and it's so exciting. But after a while, there's nothing changed. The sex, you're still doing the same positions and you're kissing the same way, but you're a little bit bored. You're like, I want something different. And that's because you're no longer having that. It's the dopamine depletion. You're craving variety. And so when you try something new, a toy, giving each other massages, unexpected, something spontaneous, that's going to spike the dopamine, which is the bonding hormone as well. Well, it connects to all of them and will allow you guys to feel closer again and be like, oh, wow, we did something new. It just. It doesn't take a lot, lot of changes, and this is just talking about it to kind of breathe new life into a stale sex life. So that's how I feel about that. Don't go anywhere. There's more sex with Emily coming right up.

Let's talk to Chris, 18 in Florida. Hi, Chris.

Hey.

What's going on?

My girlfriend, like, used to really be into me, and now, like, my friend figured out she's cheating on me, so I don't know what to do.

Chris. I'm sorry. That's a bummer. That. Okay, so how long have you guys been together?

About five months. And now she's starting to cheat. And my friend figured it out and.

Told me well, you know, that is so hurtful, and I'm sorry that happened. And I know. Is this your first girlfriend or, like, your first love?

Second.

Yeah. It hurts, huh? Have you.

But it hurts even more than the first.

Yeah, that's the thing. They always hurt more each time. You know, you think, I can't be hurt, and then it hurts. Well, so you guys had an agreement that you guys were committed and you were monogamous? Like, just two of you?

Yeah, we were going straight for about two months. And then just recently, I figured out that I don't know how long she's been cheating, but I just figured out, and it's just. It just hurt. Like, I was crying all morning.

Oh, no, Chris, it is. It's the most. It hurts so bad when somebody violates our. Our trust, right? When we're like, this is someone I really like, was open and vulnerable, and it just hurts. And are you gonna talk to her? Are you gonna, like, let her know how you feel?

Yeah, probably. I'm a musician. To get over it, that's probably what I'm gonna do.

Yeah. You know, Chris, what I would recommend, I mean, I think right now, like, you're hurt and you're angry, and you just found out, and, you know, you're gonna continue to. You will get through this. I just want you to know when it feels like. Like you won't. Like, I promise you, like, it gets. You learn from this stuff, and it'll get easier. But I think it's good that you were crying and that you're feeling it and that you called me, because that's actually the healthiest ways to actually feel your feelings. And there's nothing really, that I can tell you to do. I mean, what I would recommend, honestly, Chris, which might be hard, is I would talk to her and just say, you know, and just let her know. Say, this is what I heard. I wanted to talk to you, and I would try to do it in a. In the most calming way you can, and just be like, I'm kind of disappointed. I heard that you were with someone else. You know, can you tell me about that? And then see what she says. There's just gonna be these things. This is gonna be a great learning experience for you. You know, maybe in your next relationships, you'll be able to talk about, like, how this felt and that they think that it's important to be committed and that if they want to see someone, they should tell you first. That's how I feel about cheating. Because, you know, I used to be A cheater, Chris. I used to be a cheater.

When I was 17, I dated this girl that was in Color Hub at my high school, and I f. And I cheated. She just blew me up. She didn't even give me another chance when I tried so hard. And, yeah, I know how it feels.

So do you remember why you cheated?

Yeah, basically all I did was Snapchat with the mother, though, and then she got pissed off. And.

Yeah, you know, and then you're like, oh, what I do? And, like, that's how you learn. Like, yeah, it didn't feel good to me either. I think what happened to me was I didn't know how to tell the guy. Like, I didn't know that relationships took work. And that actually, like, I was like, oh, this other guy likes me, and that feels really good for my ego. And then I'll go sleep with this other guy. And I was like, oh, I actually did like my boyfriend. Like, I've learned now. It took me years to learn, like, oh, I. Actually, you could talk to your partner before you cheat and say, oh, you know what? I've been feeling a little weird lately. And, like, maybe you're not that into me or whatever. And then. And then I didn't cheat anymore, you know, but it's like we kind of fuck up and we do it and then we learn. So you know that you did it and she's doing it. And, like, this is gonna hurt right now, but I think you could also learn some really cool lessons about yourself and what's important and communicating. Yeah. How else can I help you? Do you think you're going to talk to her? Like, I. Like, maybe you could write about. You said you're. Do you write songs? You sing?

Yeah. I'm a musician. I've been playing guitar for. Since I was 10 and I'm 18 now.

So, like, nice.

That's how I usually cope, but this time, I don't know if I can do that.

I recommend that you keep feeling your feelings. You. I wouldn't do anything drastic. Like, since you want to write a hateful email like, I just got from a listener. Sometimes you want to do something that you might regret, but it's best just to kind of feel the feelings. Be with your friends that actually are cool and support this kind of thing. Not the ones are like, she's an asshole. Go fuck someone else. Like, you can have those friends, but I wouldn't necessarily hang out with them tonight. Tomorrow, I think you're going to learn stuff. If you wanted to call me back and just like we could chat because I'm really thinking about you now all weekend.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Of course, Chris. Anything else I can do?

I think that's it. Thank you very much. Okay.

Of course I'll be here for you. Just take care of yourself, okay? You'll get through this, I promise. Thanks for your call, Chris. I appreciate you. So this. We got an email too. Let's talk about. There's another thing that is related to what I talk about and that is the friend zone. So the friend zone comes up a lot. This is from Felix, 29, in New York. And he's like, I decided to decide the pool of online dating. Been on a couple dates. Nothing has stood out recently. Imagine the girl. We had a picnic in a park, couple drinks as our first date. I thought we had a great connection and we texted. I told her I'll be leaving town and I wanted to see her. Her response? You're really awesome and I really want to hang out as friends, but I need to see my schedule. I'm busy with work and I don't know until. I'll be free within the coming weeks. Let me know when you're back. We'll grab a drink. I've been on post dating situations where the girl was straightforward and blunt and says, you're not what I'm looking for. Best of luck in your search or I'm really busy, but now I'm confused. You know, does this mean she wants to hang out or not? Does she want to be friends or. There's an irony in that message. Maybe I'm overthinking prior to post quarantine, but would love to hear your thoughts, comments, clarifications. Great question. I vote for the direct. I'm not into it. Best of luck with your search. It's one date. We don't owe people anything. In fact, be honest, be real. This is how I felt about the date and I. She's kind of dragged. I get it. That's a little confusing, right? Maybe she doesn't know yet. Maybe she is saying, I don't even know. That's a friend zone. She might be someone who's not great with conflict, doesn't want to let him down. I think what you deserve to do, Felix, you deserve to text her back, clarify it and say, I just want to clarify here. I want to know, like, I really like to hang out with you. To be honest, it's helpful to know do you actually want to hang out in a few weeks or not? I'd love to know. Either way, ask for clarification because I believe that. And I gotta be honest, I'm going. In my mind, I'm like, I've done that. I've done that kind of thing. Because I think sometimes I've just kind of been a pussy about it. I've been like, oh, I don't know, I don't want to hurt him. I've done all the things you guys. That's why I'm here talking to you. But that doesn't feel as good because then the guy text me back and says, really want to hang out? And then. And then sometimes I need more time to think about it. And then maybe I didn't. I think it's unclear. What you can do is keep dating, doing your thing. Felix, maybe you feel if you text her right now, that's too aggressive. Because actually, if a guy did that, you know, I don't know what kind of person she is. You could wait till you're back. Listen, you could wait till you're back in a week or two and be like, hey, I'm back. You want to hang out? Get that drink and then you'll know. Because to me, this doesn't actually reading out. It doesn't sound like it's a friend zone thing. It's more like a either let's hang out when you're back or she's not sure. I don't see this as a friend zone per se, now that I'm reading it in length. Oh, she said, I want to hang out as friend zone. See, I don't know. I'm confused. Listen, I don't know what it is. All I'm saying is, to me, she used the fucking term friend. So if we're going to get into the friend zone thing here, and you have a history of a friend zone, either. I say, this is my final decision. Wait till you get back in a week, say, hey, you want to hang out? And then when she says, yeah, great, how about Tuesday? And say, I just want to clarify. You mentioned a friend thing. I actually thought you were really cool. And I actually, I'm looking to hang out more than that. What are you thinking? And then you can clarify when you get back in town. Sometimes people don't know. Maybe she's dating someone else too. But I think it's okay to ask for what you need and ask for clarification. But I would just chill and wait. Now here's the friend zone thing. Friend zone happens when we act as a friend before it's Even romantic. Well, I'm gonna listen to all your problems. Oh, I know how to fix a car. I know how to do this thing for you. I know how to listen to do all the things that a friend would do before we've actually had sex and established that there's an attract. That's when you are digging your own grave. That's when you. You are digging your own friend zone. Like, you've taken the first shovel into the ground of your friend zone. You're like, this is my friend's own grave. You haven't done that yet, Felix. But I think it's okay to follow up and ask for clarification. But if I said I'd like to be friends with someone, that would be my way of saying I'm not. I don't feel an attraction if I use the word friend. Now, I don't know. I'm not 29 years old, but I believe if you say I use the word friend, the same thing as saying, like, I see you as a friend. You know, I've put guys in the friend zone before, and I think it's, you know, I think I'm like, well, they really want to be friends, but it can be hurtful. And the guys, I think that actually stand up and are, like, clear, like, this is what I need. And in loving way, like, I think you're cool too. And maybe you want to be friends with her, but it's okay to ask people for what you need and for clarification. And I think this whole I gotta be cool, I gotta be chill thing, I think that's dated. I think what is cool is not to be a dick, but to be like, hey, I heard what you said. I thought you were cool, too. I'm actually looking to spend my time dating someone who actually get romantic with. But you're awesome, too. Have a nice life. It's okay to ask for it and not just to kind of be like, whatever. I'll just. I'll just keep showing up till she wants. Wants to sleep with me. Like, that's also a waste of time. So let's all learn how to communicate better. That's how I feel tonight. So tell me this. Did you hear a tip or a trick or conversation that you just know your friend or family member or colleague would just love? Well, how about listening with them, listening with your partner to learn something new. Also, please, like, review and share this podcast with the ones you love. There's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep. Sharper focus, stronger muscles, and a healthier heart and at least half of us aren't getting enough off. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human health, magnesium. And here's the thing, no single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. 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