Elevated Anal with Dr. Hernando Chaves

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Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Today's show, I'm joined by my favorite sex therapist and friend, Dr. Hernando Chavez, to bring you into Anal Pleasure Month the right way. We'll be discussing some of the myths and taboos about anal sex, how to prep for it, how to get the most pleasure possible from your backdoor explorations, and also answering your emails. Thanks for listening. Okay guys, turn your volume down for the next minute. I need to tell the ladies something. Go ahead, trust me, it's for your own good. Alright ladies, it's just us now. I have news for you. Your guy loves to masturbate. Hey, it's natural, healthy, and necessary. Let him know that not only is it cool with you, but that you want him to really enjoy it. Surprise him with the number one selling sex toy for men. Get him a flashlight. Fleshlight's toys feel so real that they are truly the next best thing. They have models created for every preference you can think of. Models that are perfect for travel, and one of our favorites, the Quick Shot. It's an open-ended sleeve that we like to call the Handjob Helper. And don't think your guy is the only one who will benefit from a Fleshlight. Their famous Stamina Training Unit is all about helping guys learn to last longer. This is the gift that keeps on giving. So if you really wanna turn him on, turn him on with a flashlight. It'll be a surprise he won't forget. Just go to sexwithemily.com and click on the flashlight banner right now.

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They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? 'Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken and he thinks you're kinda cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. Do women know about shrinkage? Common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, it feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Where you can do so many things on our site. You can shop with Emily. We've got a little shop tab. You can buy some toys. You can also send us an email directly from the website using the Ask Emily tab. We update it every day with content and fun things and blogs and videos so you can have better sex. And while you're there, you can also easily follow us on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, which is facebook.com/sexwithemily. Also, we're on YouTube. God, we're everywhere. And you can also download the show on Google Play, SoundCloud, and Spotify. And I'm here with my friend Hernando, Dr. Chavez.

Hello, Emily.

Hello. You're like playing my little co-host today.

I know. I mean, you're—

we kicked out Menace. We're like, you know, he can't do anal like you can.

You're like all over social media and the internet. You're like everywhere but Grindr.

I'm not on Grindr yet.

Not yet.

Exactly, exactly. I don't know, you're right. But you know, I've done a little Tinder dabbling, Bumble dabbling.

Yeah.

How about you? How's your— how's your dating life?

Tinder and Bumbling is, you know, the swipe left, swipe right. It's up and down.

I know.

You love it, you hate it. You're on it for 3 months, you get off it, you come right back. It's like that uncle you can't stand.

I've been trying— exactly. I've been trying to come up with a term because I talk to my friends all the time, and mostly my girlfriends, but it's interesting that you're saying this. They're like, "Ugh, I deleted all my apps," and then 3 months later they're back on the apps. I want a term for that. Like, what's that called when you sign up? Everyone does it. It's like, I'm over it. And then they're like, I'm gonna go back on Tinder.

We all do it.

We all do it. Well, I just did it like a year and a half ago, and then I just started doing it again. But it's just a lot of work.

It's a lot of work. And I don't know if this happens with women, but for the guys, we have a lot of fake profiles. So you'll swipe, you get a match, you're excited, and then you'll get this like request to go to some random website that's about, it's probably a sex website or a webcam website.

And you can't tell if they're fake at first, the pictures?

You start picking up on which ones look a little fake and like the profiles.

I've heard about that. Yeah, that's bad. No, we don't have any guys saying like, like male prostitution or anything. No, we don't have that, unfortunately. That'd be fun. But I thought it was interesting because I just went on Bumble, which is the app where women— it's kind of one of those swipe apps and where women have to send the first message if you match. And I found that very interesting because I've never done that. I've never like had to send the first message. And I just was thinking to myself, God, I've never done this. What do you say? And I thought about all the advice I give men and I was like, and that's gonna be like, hey, hey sexy, nice abs. Like, I'm like, I'm gonna be smart and funny. I'm gonna look at, read something in their profile, show that I read it, because guys still do that, right? It's like, hey, hey, what's up?

And now you know it's not that easy to make that first move, that icebreaker.

It is. I was like, I don't know. And then, but in Bumble, they time you 24 hours. So what were some good messages, do you know, that you got from girls? Like, did you ever get a bad message that you didn't respond?

Or, you know, most of the time someone just says hi and I want to get to know you. That makes me happy. I don't need like anything too profound or poetic or—

I wrote poems.

But I did once get somebody who found out I was a therapist, and they probably wrote about 50 messages in a row about how awful their therapy experience was and how much they— but it turns out they, I think they had some difficulties, some like mental health struggles, right?

Right. They kept saying, hey, hey, you, can you help me? They want you to be a therapist.

But I mean, what works for you? So a guy, you know, Say it's Tinder and he wants to say hi to you, I mean, what's like the—

I'll tell you what doesn't work. I mean, there's, I mean, if you just say hi, it depends how many matches, I don't know, hi just doesn't, I'm not saying write someone off for that, but typically if it's just something that shows they read my profile and it's like something smart or like, just not even smart, just they noticed it, like, oh, so you went to Michigan and it's pretty cold, I don't even know what, I mean, just show that you read it instead of just like, hey beautiful. Like, don't do that. Don't just be like, hi. I mean, I don't know, I guess we match, so you're like— I don't know how many matches you get. Like, I feel like women get a lot more matches because guys, a lot of guys just tend to swipe on everyone. So sometimes you get a lot and like, hey, hey, hey, you know, then I'll look at their pictures again. I'm like, oh, I match with them. But typically, just to show that you have like a sense of humor or that you read something, it doesn't have to be anything like particularly profound, but just take a moment.

I find this one too happens a lot. Like, once you do make that match and you do have some contact and communication A lot of people don't want to turn it into real life. A lot of people want to keep it into text. And I'm always, you know, within the first at least 3, 4, or 5 days of me texting somebody, you're like, okay, I'm like, hey, you want to meet for a drink? Or you want to go, you know, I want to get to know you.

And then what happens is it go dark sometimes.

Sometimes it's dark. Sometimes you get a little ghosting and then they might come back later. But I also find that a lot of people are juggling so many different folks that like sometimes you don't have the time to go catch a drink with you and maybe go hike with you, lunch with you. And then there's just so much opportunity to meet so many people that you're kind of like, it's like you're like in competition with the rest of the global universe.

Yeah, I know, it's true. That's the thing is that there are, I mean, I would say if anyone's like looking to date, they can't find anyone, I say why not date online? Try it, see if you like it. Because it's just like in life, you can go out and you can meet many people, bump into them at the coffee shop, or you know, I always say coffee shop, the bar, wherever. But this just increases your odds. Life is a numbers game, so you might as well try online dating and see if you like it.

Remember like the person at church, or you can go to the library.

Yeah, exactly. Never met— never met anyone at the library. No, that's true. But I feel like, um— but yeah, that is the other thing that everyone's saying, is— which I think is true— is that there are so many options. You had a date with someone, and while you're on that date, you could be matched with 10 more people, and you're like, it was a good date. But the thing is, with dating, like, takes a while to get to know someone. Maybe the first date, you know, you might want to give it a second date, or the first message wasn't great. You I hear people think, well, it wasn't great, so I'm just going to keep going because there's so many options. That's a good time for dating.

In my heart, I'm a little old school. I like the in-person meeting. I still like being at a bar or out at someplace and you see somebody and just go up to them and you just spark up a conversation and you buy them a drink or you just—

In person. No, if you can do that, if you go out enough and meet people and do that. I'm trying to go out more. I do go out now and then, but you also— I see you all.

I go out. You're all over Hollywood.

I'm all over Hollywood. On also, but I think you said a good— made a good— what do you say? Instagram? Everyone's like, your life. I'm like, it's Instagram.

You're like in Frisco, you're in Cancun, you're in like all these different countries.

4 months ago with my mom, I was in Cancun. It was fun. No, but I think it's interesting. I think you should have a time limit on if you meet someone on Tinder or wherever, wherever, even Match, however you're meeting them, or you met him at a bar and you've been texting for 2 weeks. I feel like either make a plan or get out of that. Like, why waste your life texting with someone you're never gonna meet. So when you ask this girl out and then silence, like, just keep moving on, right? You're like, like, and I think you should try to meet as soon as possible because it's just, you can never get that time back. Texting takes forever. Like, I looked at it, I'm like, I've been texting for 2 hours, I'm exhausted. Like, just, it's a waste of our time. It's sucking our life away texting. Like, I'd rather just like pick up the phone. Now I'm back to the phone. I used to hate the phone. I'm like, I don't want anyone to call me. Now I'm like, let's just get this over with in like a minute. Hang up.

I'm calling you from now on.

Don't call me. But no, I'll call you. But yeah, so So, I am glad you're here because it is Anal Sex Month. Happy Anal Sex Month. Every August, it comes around, and, uh, the back door, and I thought no better person than Dr. Hernando Chavez, who, you're a therapist, you see patients, clients, what do you call them? Everything. Clients.

Yeah.

Clients, and, um, which I love that you do that, and people come to see you for, what would you say is the most common things people come to you for?

Ooh, you know, I have a split practice. So half of it is alternative sexuality. They could be fetishist, kinky, into non-monogamy. And the other half will be about sexual concerns. So they might have couples issues, intimacy difficulties. Maybe their penis is not cooperating like they'd like to, or their vagina or vulva is not cooperating as well. So it's just people who want to improve their sex life.

Right. That's great. I'm glad they can find you. And you can also find Hernando. It's drhernandochavez.com. C-H-E-V-E-S, Chavez. It'll also be on our website, Instagram, and Twitter, Hernando_Chavez. So, and we're, if you want to see us, we're gonna be at CatalystCon on the, you'll be there the 15th to the 18th. We're gonna be there together September 15th doing something.

You and I.

At CatalystCon, which is a conference, sex conference, catalystcon.com. What are we doing there?

That's right, you and I are gonna do a joint presentation on sex toys, sex education, manufacturing, and sex therapy, and how we can all work together, help each other out and support each other for better sexual health and awareness and pleasure for people.

And I love it. Can people come say hi?

Anybody can come.

It's open to the public.

The conference, you'd have to purchase a registration, but for this event, it's open to the public. It'll be on Thursday before the conference. And we're just hoping that it's going to create some awareness. If you want to come hear Emily and I speak, come check us out.

We've done speaking. We've done some talking. We're done. And so let's move into a little anal sex because last year around this time, we were holing up in my apartment.

That sounds so dirty. Your listeners are like, what the hell are these two doing? This is— clarify that. Clarify that word.

Holing. No, we were not having sex. We were not— no, mind sex, but mind sex. We were mind effing each other, but you can swear, it's fine. But I try not to often. But we were— I was prepping for an anal sex workshop, and Hernando does a lot of workshops, and I was like, I'm just so much better working with you, with someone one-on-one. We put together, you know, we talked a lot about anal, and, um, you're an anal connoisseur.

I'd have to say that, uh, that's my favorite coffee shop to go to. Yeah, my favorite latte.

Yeah, exactly. Um, So, yeah, I thought we could just do a little rundown here. These are like common questions. You know, people are really obsessed. A lot of people are kind of obsessed with anal sex too and like want to know like, you know, what do you think like the appeal is or why people are so obsessed with it?

Well, I think part of the appeal about anal sex is also because it's in that area of the butt, and I think there's a lot of— there's boob men, there's butt men, there's, you know, people who have different parts of the body, but when you're really into the ass, anal just makes sense. And so for a lot of people, especially Latin guys like myself, or Black guys, or people of color, you know, different cultures, it just seems to be like this desire to want to engage with like the curvature and the hourglass sort of nature, you know, area of—

He's like gripping an ass right now as he's talking. It's very sexy. He's like, "The ass, the ass, the ass." I'm like, "Wow." I'm making like melons in my hand.

But, and so I think that it, for people, that physical arousal does transfer into a lot of their desires. And then also anal has this wonderful taboo sort of context to it that really does, I think, get under people's skin and psychologically just get them excited and aroused.

Because of the taboo. Yeah, it's true. And people always want to know, like, how do I do it better? Or they're afraid of it. We're gonna be answering some emails about it, but let's just break down some of the myths, let's say, or taboos, fears. The butt is exit only, not for pleasure. You know, we hear that, like, why do anal, you know, when you can, like, have so many— you have the vagina, or it's not even an erogenous zone. Not true.

Not true.

For some people, it might be painful. They don't— I mean, it might be not an erogenous zone, but for many, many, it is. And, um, a lot of pleasure from it.

I think a lot of people never give it a chance, and they, they have it in their mindset already that, hey, this is not a place where I should go to, that the exit-only sort of philosophy is what I live and stand by, and they don't even experiment and explore. And imagine if we just denied ourselves from trying out something that could be so enjoyable or pleasurable. I always use the sushi metaphor. Like, how many of us did not want to try sushi that first time?

Yeah, I didn't.

Like, raw fish? Are you kidding me? Like, no, I'm not eating that. Like, cook it, please. And then all of a sudden, how many times do you—

If I could, I would eat it breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Yeah, I love sushi.

What's your favorite kind of sushi?

I just like a good, like a good tuna roll, like tuna, spicy tuna, tuna or eel and avocado roll, yellowtail, hamachi. Oh my God, I'm getting so hungry.

It melts in your mouth.

It's so good. That's what anal sex can melt in your mouth. It's true. But people say another thing, speaking of melting in your mouth, it's too dirty, it's messy, it's painful to be sexy, people think. But you know, no, it can be, you know, there's poop in there. They think, oh, it can't be sexy, but we're going to tell them how it can be. Anal sex is only for gay men. And if you like it, that means that you're gay. People say that too. Not true. You're a straight man.

I am.

You identify as straight?

I identify as straight.

And, um, and you like anal play in your, in your anal? I like it.

Oh, with my partners, with myself. So for me, it's a, it's a, it's an area that has so many nerve endings, and it could be so, like we said, taboo and arousing and pleasurable that we might as well explore to see if we have compatibility with our partners from that area. And this whole idea that it's dirty or unhygienic, I mean Look, when we take a shower, when we cleanse ourselves, and we do a little bit of prep work, I mean, that's how our bodies work. And we can, you know, freshen them up to a— in my opinion, to a place where we can feel really good about the sexual experiences and the, and the, the scents and the tastes and the touches that we have.

Right. But how did you get into it? How did you— like, the first time you tried it, were you with a partner, or did you— with your own anus? Oh, because a lot of men— yeah, because I've always Well, it doesn't— however you first— because a lot of men that— I think that's the biggest thing I hear is guys are like, well, now I feel like men are starting to say, I'm kind of curious, but I'm not really sure what to do. Um, you know, like, and all the things like, doesn't make me gay, but, you know, they don't know how to even stimulate themselves.

So, I mean, I know you're a sex educator and doctor and all that, but, you know, for myself, it was about a partner who just was moseying on around that area and just like started grazing in that, in that region with their finger, and I thought You know, there was like a conflict I was experiencing. It was like, wow, that feels really good, but whoa, that's not like what I'm supposed to be feeling, or I shouldn't be liking that. So I'm going back and forth kind of in my head, and you're kind of like, yes, more, no, please stop, and yes, no, more, please stop, you know. And I just found that, you know, once you get comfortable with somebody and you want them—

was it a finger the first time?

Uh, no, it wasn't even inside, it was just on the outside.

Oh, by the outside, because there are so many nerve endings, it can feel really good.

Yeah, and a lot of people, a lot of women will, you know, play with your balls and they'll kind of like go a little bit south and then start playing with your perineum. And then all of a sudden you're like, wow, that does feel kind of good. And then there's just like this accidental graze on the anus, and then you're like, you could do that again if you want, right?

But you don't know how to say it because you're like, right, because you don't know how to communicate. So what did you say? You're like, do that again?

Not the first time, no, I didn't say anything. I just like put in the memory box, right?

You're like, oh, check. Yeah, okay, good.

And then as we got, you know, we got more educated and more experienced, like all of a sudden we realized, oh, there can be like communication about this, or we can incorporate some lube, or we can actually like involve this and enjoy it. So it's, it's a process. I know a lot of people listening, that first step is the hardest one, and just being able to acknowledge it within yourself that this is a place where I can venture to—

Exactly, men and women. It's true because a lot of women think that, you know, they don't like, you know, they think they don't like anal sex, they would never like it, or maybe they had a bad experience or it was really, really painful.

Yeah, there's a lot of bad experiences.

I know, first time and they write it off forever because, you know, you didn't use lube, you weren't warmed up, someone just shoved it in like No, that's not good. That's why we're— today we're going to tell you how to do it the right way.

Do you want to hear about my first, uh, experience on me?

Oh yeah.

So I was always fascinated by it with my first college girlfriend, and you know, she would allow me to try, and I didn't know what—

on her?

On her.

Okay.

I had no clue what I was doing. I was the, uh— I mean, literally, I was just— put a dunce hat on me— I was the most uneducated, like, worst anal sex experience ever.

And I'm sure a lot of women cannot relate to what you're saying right now, right?

And I didn't know. I mean, I, I cared about her, I loved her, I didn't want to hurt her, but I didn't know I needed lube. So we would try these things with hands or body parts, penises, and no lube was involved. And just, I could only imagine the awful experiences she was having. And it was just the two of us not knowing what we were doing, right? She didn't know to recommend it. I didn't know what to recommend.

How would you know then, right?

So once we were taking a shower, and she was always a trooper, she was always like trying and trying, and we just never could get, you know, it couldn't emulate like what I'd see in porn. And all of a sudden we're in the shower and she was such a passive submissive sweet, sweet girl. And just, she got this like rage inside of her as we were taking a shower together. She took her finger and she just jammed it up inside of me, and I was literally plastered up against the tile. And I was just like, my hands were spread, and I was like, what the— you know, what the hell are you doing? I was like under her total control. I couldn't move. I was like— and she says, now you know how it feels.

Oh my God.

And I was like, whoa, that's awful. So we didn't do it again.

Wow. No, she did that just to show you. Wow.

She didn't know Yeah, that's the way to show you.

And it hurt, right? You go— anyone goes right in like that.

Oh, it hurt like—

oh dude, that's a good story. And then is that what turned you into a sex doctor? You're like, I want to get this right, I don't want to finger up my ass when I don't know. Um, okay, so let's talk about how to prep. What do you say? Did you break up with her? That's kind of killer. Like, that's just like— that's like a drunken thing. She was like in the shower, premeditated, like, I'm gonna stick this finger in your butt. Wow. Yeah, because how would you know? Yeah, guys don't think about that. And women, we don't know, we don't know, we don't know. But that's what we're here to tell everyone.

But it taught me a lot. Like, she wasn't able to communicate that it was painful, and I wasn't able to ask those questions, right?

We've all been there.

That was like our non-use of words to say, this hurts, and let's like take a break, let's stop.

Because you kept trying. Yeah, you're like, I didn't know it was painful. Isn't it funny that when we— I mean, I've been there too. Things have hurt, I'm like, no, it's okay, you know, we're in pain. But that's why you should always speak up if you're in pain. And even when you're not in pain, you should speak up about everything about sex, which is what we talk a lot about in the show. So, let's talk about the preparation, getting ready for anal sex. So, people are like, "Is it dirty? How do I wash that area? Do I need to do an enema, clear the runway?" What do you recommend? I say you could do an enema if you wanted to, but it's not necessary.

You know, it's almost like some people say, "Well, I have to have a partner who takes a shower before we have sex," and some people are like, "I don't really care. Like, I like the way you smell, and you know, it's a little bit of the day has gone by, like, I'm okay with it. So everybody's got their own sort of hygienic needs.

That's true.

But it should be talked about. We should get to know our partner's hygiene needs. And if, if playing in the anus or playing in the rectum is, is part of like your desires, you want to bring that up and just find out like where— how far should we go? Because we can make it squeaky squeaky clean, or we can just sort of ride the wave of in the moment and just acknowledge that it might get a little dirty, it might get a little messy, but that can be okay.

Right, sex is messy. Sex can be messy. It's okay, but you know, just if you just want to do the basics, you can just shower, clean your genitals beforehand, use non-irritating soap, stick a little finger inside, rinse, you know, just do that. So, I don't think that you— yeah, exactly, case-by-case basis. Decide how you feel about it and stick up for that. Safety first. Condoms are very important. Clean and trim. Hernando, you let me know that you trimmed your fingernails. Keith, I think you thought we were having anal.

I didn't know if this would be an experiential, right?

Maybe. Yeah, we just started, so we'll see. So clean and trim fingernails, very important, because we always think you should start with the finger.

Yeah, and one mistake I made today is I didn't file my nails.

I know, dude, I'm sorry. I was going to do it, but you didn't file. Damn you. Ah, our most important starring role is lube.

Yes.

Besides your finger, penis, or toys. Lube, it makes any sexual experience more pleasurable. I just, you know how I feel about lube. The wider, the better. And the anal canal, not self-lubricating. Like the vagina can self, will self-lubricate. The anus will not. Like you, like non-negotiable, you need lube during sex. But which lube is the best?

You know, I found out how dry it was back in college.

Exactly.

I never forgot that.

Never forgot it.

And we've got, I think, You and I were having a great discussion earlier about what can we do to help line that rectum.

Yes, let's talk about it.

You wanna talk about that?

Yeah, yeah, you showed me some, Hernando! Oh my God, we took some videos. I'm gonna save the ones on Snapchat, but like, he came in here with a huge box of sex toys, of butt plugs, and he was like, what did you say? You're like, what if I got hit walking across the street and butt plugs went like flying across Santa Monica Boulevard? And that would've been hilarious.

Oliver Hollander.

I would've laughed. I mean, I would've saved you. I would've come save you, but then I would've just had to take pictures of the butt plugs. But you brought some cool stuff. Should we talk about some of the stuff happening with lube?

Sure, sure. You know, uh, so as you were saying, you know, the, the rectum doesn't self-lubricate like the vagina does. So we've got to take into consideration that the inside of the— of, of during anal sex, of the rectum is totally dry, and that's where a lot of pain comes from people. Um, so what are we going to do about that? You know, sometimes I— something I call the squeegee effect is what a lot of people will do, and, and it's, it's one way to try to lubricate the rectum, but it actually sometimes works against us or doesn't work very well. And what I mean by that is imagine the person putting all this lubrication on the penis, you know, or on the dildo or the toy, and they're gonna have anal, and they just like sort of insert it. And the, the anus itself, because it's, it's closed and tight, actually it like squeegees a lot of that lube off, right? So you're kind of inserting inside with very little lube, right? But you think you put a lot of lube on, right?

Because you did, but it's on the outside, or most of it, right? So now we have what? We have the lube shooter.

Lube shooter.

Do you recommend a lube shooter?

I, I love them. I think they're really valuable, but it's not very sexy, especially if it's like a hookup or someone you're just sort of getting, you know, right?

It literally looks like a water gun, but you shoot through, or like a shot, like a syringe. Like a syringe, right?

You fill it up with lube and you kind of insert it, right? Shoot inside.

Okay.

But they have these new products, um, they have these new like, like a gel sort of silicone capsules that you insert inside of the rectum, and they actually dissolve. It takes about 15 to 30 minutes and it dissolves.

It keeps dissolving. That's really brilliant.

It's like a lube suppository. I think it's brilliant. You could use it for vaginal, but I think it's really beneficial for—

You could use it for vaginal as well, obviously. Yeah, that makes sense too, because it's true. Yeah, the lube, you got to always— you got to reapply. Don't be ashamed to reapply lube on every nightstand.

Emily, what do you think about water-based versus silicone?

Um, for anal or for anything in life? I like them both. It depends what I'm doing. I like hybrid too. But I like, I like silicone. If you're using like skin condoms, which are polyisoprene, you don't have to worry about it as much. Silicone lasts longer, it's slippier, slippier, slippier, slippier, slippy.

Is it slippy?

Slippy, slippy. And lasts longer. And you know, it could be a little harder to clean up, but I like it for anal. But yeah, what about you?

I like silicone for anal for sure, because it definitely— because the, the water-based absorbs more in the rectum because it is a water absorption canal. So it, it will run out over time. So if you are a person who lasts longer, or if it's kind of like, you know, it could dry up a little bit inside there, whereas the silicone would last a bit more. Personally, I've always liked, um, a combination of different ones, but I'm kind of on the— this Wicked Ultra Kick, that's like my favorite lube right now for anal. And then for if a partner is comfortable with vaginal silicone use I like Uber Lube these days.

Yeah, I like Uber Lube. I like Joe Lube. I like Joe. They make a bunch of different kinds.

Um, yeah, it's great too.

Yeah, like hybrids. Oh my god, they sent us so much lube. I'm gonna send you home with some lube.

Appreciate that.

How about that? And a butt plug. Oh, we did. We gave you— we gave you the Black Pearl. Yes, the Vibratex. Yeah, so you're gonna try that tonight.

Give me a call.

But let's talk about all the tension we carry in our butt and why that's important to relax. Like, we walk around with tension in our butts. We do, and we don't breathe, we don't relax. And when we don't take breaths, I mean, that's a lot of times we tense up, we're nervous. It's like someone's going in your anus for the first time, or it could be the 10th time, we're still gonna tense up if you're not sure. So you've got to really remember to like to breathe, right? And to like massage the anus and to like work up the— like, don't just go right for it. Even if you've got the lube, you've got the condoms, you got to still work it like foreplay, pre-anal foreplay. Very important. And it helps to be aroused. Helps if you're aroused beforehand, have a few, you know, orgasms beforehand.

Oh, that's one of the best, right? The muscular release of orgasm really relaxes people's butts. I mean, that's a wonderful way to get that sphincter muscle to just sort of like calm down and maybe be a little more inviting and exactly open their arms up and give us a big hug.

Exactly. Hug by your sphincter. Sphincter. Yeah, it sounds like—

well, what a lot of people don't realize that our sphincters, we've got the internal and the external. So the outer and the inner sphincter. And so, you know, we can control the outer one. That's the one that we can like squeeze and wink and pucker.

And I always wink people with my sphincter.

Are you an anal winker?

Yeah, I am. It's one-on-one scale. I can't wink really, like I literally don't know how to wink with my eyes, but I can wink with my ass. It's weird.

That's all that matters. Yeah, you got to pick one or the other, right? You got the right one.

Thanks. Um, no, but what were you saying? The internal, and you can't control it?

That one's controlled by an area of the brain that is involuntary. And so we have to use anxiety reduction, breathing, calmness. We have to be in a state that is of low anxiety for that to relax. So when we're nervous and afraid or uncomfortable, it's not going to be a good situation for that internal sphincter.

Exactly. The internal sphincter, right? You got to treat it well. So, okay, let's just talk about like starting off. If you've never had anal, like you want to be comfortable, you want to like, you could try it by yourself, you know, like use just to start just touching the area. And this goes with the partner as well. Like if you've never had anal play or you just want to, build up to it. Put some lube on your finger. They can just gently start to like rub again on the outside of the anus. There's lots of nerve endings there that can feel great. And make sure again, like, you know, you have lube on your finger, and then you might just want to like stick a finger in, see how it feels. Slowly, slowly work your way up to full penetration. Maybe use a butt plug, fingers, toys, uh, penises.

Yeah, work your way up to a fist.

Fist? Have you ever fisted someone in the ass?

I have not.

How about in their, um, vagina?

Uh, nope, never.

No fisting?

No, just never.

Didn't you have to pass that for like become a sex therapist, like in school?

Uh, I flunked that class apparently.

You did flunk it. I did, I did too. I didn't have to take that. It's so true. Um, okay, let's talk about— okay, so we've got lube. What else do we forget? So just like warming up, work your way up with your partner. Like, let's try, you know, if you're not comfortable with it and you've never tried it, there's nothing wrong with saying like, I want to go slow, so I wanted feel the sensation. Start with a finger. You might want to start with a little butt plug. You bought some good butt plugs, right?

Yeah.

What'd you bring? Uh, what do you like?

A couple different ones. Like, I think that we should all start off with very— something very small, and that could be even our mouth or our tongue. Our tongue is something that slips very easily inside of there, but not everybody's comfortable with that, right? But it's really gentle, really soft, really lubricated in itself. If you're not comfortable with that, you want to go with the smallest, like, part of your pinky, just—

or even your pinky finger is the first one to put in, just really gentle.

And then You can also work with your partner, like when they inhale and when they're exhaling, that's when you insert it just gently with lots of lube. Because as they exhale, that's relaxing the sphincter, that's opening things up just slightly.

So like synchronizing your breath, or at least paying attention to your partner's breath. And even if it's audible, make it audible, like, like yoga class, in and out.

You know, some people want to like have marathon sort of anal sex like they see in porn that first time out.

Let's talk about that.

You gotta just —Right, it's not like porn.

—Just take it slow.

If you even get to the outside or just barely a little finger inside and that's the first experience, that could be a wonderful first step. —Right, what's the rush?

Anus ain't going anywhere. Take it slow. No, no, no, no, it's everything. The anus is everything. So, you got to communicate with your partner. Make sure you communicate. Like, speak up if you're in pain like Hernando's girlfriend who did not. And again, we get it. Like, it's not easy, but if you're obviously in pain, or you want something, feels good, like let your partner know. Like, not mind readers, they're not ass readers. You gotta let them know. So how about positions? People always think like, you know, it's doggy style only, but that's not always the most comfortable one.

You know, that looks good on camera, and that might look good for the visual, let's say if the person's into asses or into backs or whatnot. But sometimes, you know, the person who's being inserted should have more of the control with insertion, and they should have a little bit a lot more power when it comes to that, uh, process, right?

You know, so cowgirl position is good.

Yeah, being on top— the bottom, if they're being inserted and they're on top, they can, uh, they can either sit down sort of gently, they can pull out if they need to, they can sort of stop. I mean, there's just a lot more, you know, red, yellow, green kind of ability when it comes to the red, yellow, green, like stop, yellow, stop, go, traffic light.

They should be driving.

Exactly. Um, spooning, spooning. Spooning is wonderful because for a lot of people, they can push back if they are the bottom or the receptive person. But also too, when we're not, you know, our muscles get tense, especially if we're in like doggy or if we're in like a cowgirl position.

Cowgirl's hard. Even regular, even just vaginal sex. I'm like exhausted. I know it's like hot. I don't love it cowgirl. I'm gonna be honest. I'm gonna say it here. Don't love cowgirl. And for anal, it seems hard too. Yeah. But I know that, that people like it and they can do it. That's fine.

Wow. So I learned a lot about you today. What else? You don't like cowgirl?

I don't love 69 either.

Don't like 69 either?

No, because I'm ADD. Either I want to give or receive. But I actually have had some that— you know what, I'm going to take that back because for so long I've said that. I'm getting to, to like— see, I, I've had a few good instances, instances with 69 where I was like, yeah, it's not my favorite. But now that we're just talking, now that I'm being honest and open, you know, if it's a 5-course meal, maybe we can make it one of the courses. Yeah, exactly, because variety Like you gotta have something that you just try, you know, that you every once in a while, like haven't done this in a while. And then when I do it, like, it's not like I want to do it every day, but cowgirl too, same thing. I'm like, ah, it's exact. Like, I'll do anything. I'll do it. But anyway, with anal, yes, but you do have more control because you're lowering down, going up.

And you know, we don't always talk about this too, but guys also experience that as well too. I mean, when you're on top missionary, it might feel— a lot of women do like that and they, you know, they're in the submissive sort of experience and it's comfortable because you're relaxed and it's like we're supporting our entire weight with our arms.

I know, is it so hard?

Getting in, you're thrusting, so you've got like everything's like shaking. I mean, sometimes guys will sweat on you, sometimes guys' like arms start to like, you know, spasm. It's just true.

Would you— what's your favorite position for a girl on— woman on top? Ah, you know, it depends. It depends, right? There's not like a favorite. I mean, I like it all, don't get me wrong, mix it all up.

But, uh, I do love doggy because of that beautiful, you know, backside of a partner.

He's doing the ass again. But beautiful buttocks. Yeah, I love it.

But I do love missionary too, or at least even woman on top because I like the face-to-face. I like to look in someone's eyes.

I like woman on top too. I can rock woman on top.

I got that, no problem. I once had an ex-girlfriend who said that, you know, one of her biggest cutoffs when it came to sex was like partners that didn't want to look them in the eye.

Oh, yes, this is huge. I agree. There's a lot of— yeah, they won't look you in the eye, and then when they do, it's like they get all freaked out. But yeah, it's not like I want to have a staring contest the whole time, but I want to make like an intimate— to me, that's intimacy. But some people just want to go into like the trance mode during sex where they're checked out, but it doesn't mean that they're not connected. But I just want a second, like, eye contact. Yeah.

Well, I think that that's the difference between, I think, like, the roboticness of sex or sort of like the behavioral, sort of animalistic side of sex, and also the intimate side, you know.

It's intimacy. Look in someone's eyes. It's real shit. It's a real deal.

Especially when we're butt naked looking in someone's eyes.

Do you have a deal breaker, like, for a woman? Like, if something happens that you're like, I'm out if she won't blank, stick a finger in your ass? Besides that? Oh, I don't want to say that a deal-breaker, but something that like you're just, oh, that doesn't make me feel good.

Sexual or relational? I guess anything. I mean, if she hits me, I'm out.

Okay, you don't want physical abuse, got it. How about sexually? Sexually, um, I know we're PC, but go.

Okay, we are PC, but, but so this goes, this is a little something that goes out to my porn friend. Her name is August Ames. We were talking about this and we were talking about starfish starfish. Do you know what a starfish is? Yes. So it's somebody you sleep with and they're just like laying on the bed and they're just like spread out.

Yes. There's no movement, there's no verbal, there's no breathing.

There's just like— it's like you're almost like you want to tap them and say, are you alive?

Are you here? Are you alive? Right.

So I once dated this woman who's so beautiful and so sweet and so wonderful, and then when we were sexual, it was like— it was— she's like a mannequin. And I felt— and it just— I was losing like my—

she just like lied there. Do you think she had like some trauma or something, or I don't know.

And I— yeah, so that was— she just—

did you say anything like, are you enjoying this? Are you—

I tried bringing it up. This was kind of later on in my life where I felt like a better communicator and a little more mature, and she didn't take it very well. Like, it was kind of offensive. She was—

how would you—

yeah, I was like 35, she was like 21, right?

She wasn't— maybe didn't have as much experience.

Yeah. And I was very happy to work with it, but, uh, uh, you know, the more we connected, the more we could sort Right now.

It's true. We all want to know that we're like doing okay and check it, especially mentally. And you want to check in with your partner, make sure everything's a good time.

Do you kind of hate saying that? Because it makes me sound like I'm so superficial, but it was just, it created a disconnect because you don't know if she's even enjoying it, participating.

She probably wasn't making any noise. She probably wasn't, clearly. So, okay. Good to know. Um, let's talk a little about, a little bit about sex toys. We talked about butt plugs. You brought, we have vibrating anal toys. There's the black Pearl by Vibratex, made of high-quality silicone. There's anal beads. What do you think about anal beads? You know, they've come a long way too. Yeah, they've got— anal beads have come a long way. 2016. Tell me, tell me how so there, Hernando. You know, back in Dr.

Chavez, back in the old days, circular balls with like yarn or string. Right, exactly.

Grandmothers were putting them together in sweatshops in China. Okay, but now—

oh, but now they're like made of like high-grade silicone, and there's just a lot more variety, and they're sturdier. You know, before they were like dangling beads.

Yeah, right, they really were like a necklace that could break off in Grandma's pearl necklace. Don't do that. Don't use anything that's not meant for your anus in your anus. We should talk about that.

Definitely.

Um, so what about butt plugs? What's your favorite butt plug these days?

Favorite?

You can talk about whatever.

You know which one I like these days is, uh, the B-Vibe. It's the only butt plug that has rotating beads around the anus. Oh, okay. So a lot of them vibrate.

Yeah, but, uh, I've heard about this. I haven't tried it yet.

So have you tried the rabbit? The rabbit? The classic rabbit? Like, of course. Okay, so you know how that—

dude, I was born with a rabbit in my mouth. I was born with a silver rabbit.

I got a bunny farm at home. I do. But you know what, the rotating center portion, imagine that now is on.

Oh, that's interesting. It's— and so it's a longer— it has— I've never seen a butt plug with like bells and whistles as such. Oh wow. Oh, have you used this?

Did you use this one? Not this one, no. Remember I told you I always have two and then one.

Oh, interesting. So see how that's working? Oh, so this for your sphincter.

So that's where most of our nerve endings are anyways, so it actually feels— wow, but it's— it— so that's high, that's on kind of high, but I mean, that's a party in your butt. And then so there's 3 motors, one in the tip, one in the— wow, this is new, right? Yeah, it just came out maybe 6 months ago.

That's really cool. Nice, nice showing there. Yeah, it looks like a little gnome.

A little gnome.

I like it. That's cool. Now, that's a bigger butt plug. Like, what about just a beginner one? They have, they have a small, medium, large.

This is large. Yeah, but yeah, you know, I think there's a lot of anal trainer kits out there.

There are anal trainer kits. I think we have some on our website. Go to the website sexwithemily.com, click on the shopping thing, shopping banner. Okay, not all toys can be anal toys. Let's just say you need a flared tip, so don't put it in your butt that's not flared because then you'll end up in the hospital.

Yes. They have to pull it out. You don't want to be that person. It's a good story though.

But like 20 years from now. It is. You don't want to be that person. Okay. So we're going to take a quick break and when we come back, we're going to be answering your emails. We got some more anal talk. We got just regular sex talk. It's a good time. Thank you, Hernando. We'll be right back. By now, y'all know me pretty well. You know, I love new experiences, but I have my favorite things that I always come back to because I know I can trust them. I can't think of a better example than the Magic Wand. If you've been listening, you might remember that I actually had a hole drilled in my nightstand so my Magic Wand was always plugged in and ready right when I needed it. That's a pretty big commitment, and I thought it was pretty ingenious. But anyway, before you go destroying your furniture, consider this: the trusted Magic Wand is now available in a rechargeable version, delivering all that power of the original plus the mobility of a completely cordless design. The Magic Wand Rechargeable also features 4 intensity levels and 4 great vibration patterns. For more than 30 years, the trusted Magic Wand from Vibratex has been just about everyone's go-to massager. From its perfect size to the high-quality construction and materials, it's no wonder why the Magic Wand is considered the Cadillac of all vibrators. If you don't own one yet, don't live without the Magic Wand another day. And if you do own one, you need to try the rechargeable. Go to sexwithemily.com and click on the Magic Wand banner to order yours. Okay, everyone. Thank you for listening and supporting our sponsors. Thank you, Hernanda, for being our sponsor. Sometimes I make weird noises. Um, Dr. Chavez, wonderful to have you here. And thank you everybody for emailing me feedback@sexwithemily.com with your questions, including your name, how you listen, your age, where you live, social security number, credit card. Just kidding. That's what we want. Also, you can also leave us a voicemail, which we love. We've got a whole voicemail thing going on. 818-ASK-SWE1 or 818-275-7931. Leave us a voicemail message, or you can ask your question straight from the website. There's a pull-down menu, just ask Emily, do that. We love it. We're doing some more voicemail shows, which is fun to like hear. I'm like, ah, so fun. We've done a few of them, so it's great. Okay, so Hernando, how do you feel about answering some questions from the people here? Let's do it. I love it. Okay. Hi Emily, it's been a while since I found your podcast. And I am secretly surprised of how easy it is for you and your guests to talk so openly and bubbly about stuff that are still considered taboo in some parts of the world. I'm a 28-year-old female and I probably could call myself a late bloomer because I'm in my first relationship and we've been together for only 1 year. My boyfriend, just like many others, is fascinated with anal and have already tried it once before we were together. He is really keen to do it with me. I do want to make him happy and secretly I am curious about it. but I'm really scared to try it for the first time. I think what scares me the most is the fact that it will hurt, it will be dirty afterwards, and in case he likes it, he won't enjoy our regular sex as much anymore. I think all I need is some pointers for courage. Sincerely, Veronica from Latvia. Amazing. Wow, that's far away. Wow, I don't know we've got emails from Latvia. Hello, we're so honored to hear from you. She listens on her phone app. Okay. Really good question. So, what would you say? What if she was in your office here, Veronica? She wants— I get it though, she wants to do it, it's her first boyfriend, she's nervous, like a lot of things we just talked about. It's okay that you're nervous, a lot of people are nervous the first time. So, get some lube, talk to your partner and let them know that you're nervous but you want to try it. Start slow, like we said, you can start with a finger, don't have to rush right into anal. What else, Fernando? What do you hear in this as a therapist?

I agree with you completely, and then I'm going to add a little bit more of the clinical piece right there, because what she's really talking about is anxiety. And when we have anxiety, we need to face our anxiety. Too many people, they, they, uh, distance themselves from what, what they're fearful of or what worries them or what they're nervous about. And so anxiety reduction really does mean facing it. Um, and so what you're describing is one of the ways we can— a number of the ways we can face it experientially And I'm also wondering, can people also face these anxieties on their own as well too? Whether it's listening to your podcast, whether it's reading a few books like Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex by Tristan Taormino, or watching a couple sex ed videos that you can download online like Ava Cadel's Anal Pleasure for Women, or Jessica Drake's, you know, Guide to Wicked Sex for Anal Play. You know, there's so many ways that we can learn, and right, and then we feel like a sense of mastery over that anxiety. Like it doesn't have the hold on me because I now have like challenged it and I've overcome it. So I'd get educated in addition to starting slow and what you just—

no, that's great, you're right. Get some more information on it and visuals. That's great, those are great visuals. Ava Cadel and, um, who else did you say? Jessica Drake. Jessica Drake, yep, she's great. So that's, that's great. Do you want to watch it? Like, it's not porn, which is not how you should watch it, but these are actually educational videos. That's a great idea.

Um, what's nice too is that, you know, sometimes you have questions where it's like, my boyfriend wants to try this, and there's like this sort of aura of pressure, like it's coming from someone else. Like, how do I get my girl to do this? And we've got to move away from that. I know. It's got to be something that we could be willing to talk about and explore, but it shouldn't feel like it's a pressure or like an expectation that's becoming like a stressor in our relationship. Exactly.

Right. We don't want it to become a stressor. And so I feel like you guys have to be in this together. That's how I tell Veronica too. Like, it's not like— I mean, I love that you're emailing and talking to us about it, but I think that you got to be be honest with him, like he knows you haven't done it. You, he's not expecting you to be like the anal queen. So you can just tell him what you heard. You guys can listen to this together. Hi, Veronica's boyfriend. Um, you want to, you know, just make sure that you guys, you both take it slow, that you communicate, that you breathe and that you, you know, do all the things that we said earlier. And, um, and you know, she's worried it's gonna be dirty afterwards. So what? It might be dirty. Sex can be dirty.

That's part of it. And if she decides to, let's say, read those books or watch those videos, they will talk about the idea of using an enema or a water bulb to help cleanse ourselves beforehand, which we only should use water.

We shouldn't be using any of the saline solution. Yeah, don't— right, if you get an enema in a store or something, take out the saline and just use water. That's a very good point. I'm glad you said that.

You could cleanse yourself out and all of a sudden you can take away that whole fear of poop being a part of this experience. And you can really reduce it to where it's almost nonexistent, you know.

Right, that's true. So, yeah, do some of that ahead of time and just like be really honest with your partner and keep talking, Veronica. Thank you for emailing me. Okay, another email. Emily Morse. I have always had a pegging fantasy. I finally brought it up a couple months ago to my girl and she eventually started sticking her finger in my back door whenever we made love. Now, whenever I'm turned on and there is nothing back there, I can't seem to perform. "I heard it's possible to have your desire move from your penis to your anus. Is this true? Is there any way to move my desire back? Please help. Thanks, Joey, age 24, Iowa." So I'm glad you brought up— so pegging, for people who don't know, is— would you describe pegging in your clinical sense? We didn't get to that in our anal, so we're gonna— I knew we'd cover it.

It's a perfect question because we hadn't gotten—

we did not get to pango because I wanted to bring up—

I knew this pegging one of the fastest growing heterosexual behaviors that people are experiencing, couples and groups. I find that there's a lot of fear, a lot of hangups, but to me this is, I think, the evolution of what I perceive as like equalitative, egalitative feminist sexuality, which is we're all sort of on equal playing fields and we're both experiencing giving and receiving pleasure in similar ways. You know, everybody receiving and giving oral, everybody receiving and giving sort of kisses or intimacy or foreplay. And so this is the natural progression of, I think, how sex, you know, in an evolved state is. And so it's really nice to hear, you know, him being open to it, her being excited about it as well. And there's a lot of great information on pegging these days. There's a great podcast by Ruby Ryder called Pegging Paradise that they can also download. Podcast, there's 200 episodes about pegging.

Wow, that's a lot.

Great, uh, starter kits as well. Sportsheets is one of my favorites with their pegging kits.

They have a great one. Yeah, exactly. So the woman wears like a dildo strap-on and she can— she pegs him, penetrates her partner, right? Okay, so let's go back to the question. I just wanted to cover that. So Joey, his— thinks though he's afraid that she— he told his girlfriend about the pegging fantasy, right? She used a finger, and now he thinks when there's not a finger there, he can't perform, he can't get turned on. And he thinks his desire moved from his penis to his anus. What would you say about that?

Well, I think that our desires and our fantasies and what feels good to us, there's a lot of ebb and flow. I find that, you know, there are people who will shift, kind of like we talked earlier about, you know, sometimes 69 and then other times not. And so I think he should embrace it. I think that it's part—

He's getting too tripped up on it, maybe?

Yeah, he's getting caught up like, is this going to be my only way? But I think that sometimes we narrow our arousal when we're expecting excited about something, and then we sort of expand our arousals when we, you know, want to add other things into our sexual repertoire. So I would go with it, I would embrace it. And guess what? He may actually experience more mind-blowing orgasms or more heightened sensitivity or pleasure if he actually sort of succumbed to this idea of playing with his prostate or playing with his ass on his own and allowing it.

Yeah, he could do some masturbating on his own, playing with his prostate. How would you— how would you guide the straight man to playing with it if he's never put a finger in there and never tried Never tried anything? Never tried anything.

You know, you know the vibrating bullets that we have? Yeah. I always encourage people to start with those and don't put it inside. Obviously it doesn't have—

don't put it inside, right?

But play with the outside of your anus and put the vibration, just a little bit of lube, and see what that feels like. Because sometimes for men it's hard to put your own finger in that region when you're masturbating with the other hand. It's kind of like when you're, uh, tapping the top of your head and rubbing your stomach.

I still can't do that.

Yeah, it's, it's, uh, so it's nice to to just experience sensation down there while you're also pleasuring your penis like most men typically do. And so I find that once we sort of feel that and acknowledge that that feels good and that can feel wonderful, then we start looking at things like toys and maybe something we can insert or something that can, you know, take it to the next level. Because there's a lot of levels we can take this to.

So Joey could just get it, get a bullet or vibe or something, something, just play with it on his own.

I think he could do that, but he also has to Stop worrying that there's something wrong with him.

There's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with you. The first thing is to stop worrying there's something wrong with you and to get out of your head. Just ride the wave.

Ride the pleasure wave. No surfer is worried about crashing or, you know, wipeouts.

He's riding the wave. Riding the wave, man. Enjoying the ride. So California. I wish. So, Joey. Okay, thanks, Joey. I think that's good advice. Okay, we'll do another email here. Hi Emily, 15 years ago I was in what was building into the perfect love story. I had the guy that listened to everything I said and would even give me sound advice. I was completely comfortable with him. However, I come from a family background that frowned deeply on mixed couples and I made the worst mistake ever. I put what my family approved of over what my heart wanted. Fast forward 2 years, I met the man that is now my husband. I love him and have had for the past 12 years, but it's not the same love I felt for the other man. For 14 years, I've kept the feelings bottled, but it's now, it's out. My husband knows that I love the other man, and I hate that he now feels like he is the second choice. Both my husband and the other man are open to a polyamorous relationship, but I feel it's getting difficult fast. First, not everyone is in the same state. We are across country from each other, so there's the long-distance relationship factor. "There's the fact that my husband is jealous and his insecurity with his ED doesn't help him either. Plus, I know when he finds another woman to have a relationship with, I'm gonna get jealous because he will get to see her when he feels like it and I won't be able to do the same. I love them both. I want this to work for everyone and rise above the jealousy and insecurities. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Rachel." Wow, there's a lot going on in there. Okay. So Rachel, She had a guy that she loved 15 years ago, broke up with him because it was a mixed couple, parents weren't down with that, has a husband now for 12 years, still loves the other guy. Her husband's cool with an open relationship. Her husband also has ED, and she's future tripping that when he is, her husband does find someone, that she's gonna be jealous, which she might be, which people have to deal with, but then also that he could find someone local because the guy she loves is long distance. So there's a lot going on here in her head here. So, um, I do think that y'all need to rise above the jealousy. She says, I want to rise above the jealousy and insecurity. So yeah, you, you counsel a lot of polyamorous couples. Where would you start with this one, Hernando?

Yeah, um, for— oh, there's a lot there to go with. Um, first off, if they— if the desire is to want to open things up in the relationship, I think you have to get educated and knowledgeable about what non-monogamy is. And then we start getting into to the feelings and emotions that come up, like jealousy or compersion or new relationship energy or the fears and insecurities or the emotions that are involved. To start off, I think that each person, if they're ever going to go into a non-monogamous relationship and you're beginning that process, read The Ethical Slut first, read Opening Up second, and start with those because both those books—

Those are great books. Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and The Ethical Slut. Right.

Definitely books, because that's gonna give you some of the basics, the foundations and the tools to begin to build your, you know, your polyamorous home or your non-monogamous home.

I think they can just jump into it.

You gotta build a foundation. And, you know, I think the myth is that in non-monogamy, they're, oh, they're not jealous. No, actually, they have emotions, they have fears, they have— everybody does. They just have learned, many of them have learned to both face them, to process them, to communicate them with their partner, partners to work through them. You know, the myth is that people are just like all honky-dory.

Right, they're like so happy, I get to bang this person, sleep with this person, and I don't mind at all. Yeah.

You know, and it takes a lot of communication. I mean, if you think two people in a relationship is tough to communicate, imagine when there's three, four, five people. So you have to put a lot of time and effort into communicating with each partner. You know, what I'm hearing also too is there's also the component in this, in Rachel's question about a sexual concern. I heard ED in there as well, and that's something that brings up a lot of insecurity and inferiority complexes within men. And so my guess would be that that would also be a stressor and an anxiety for that gentleman too. So there's gonna be multiple things. She's gonna be worried about her primary partner, she'd be worried about opening up. There's also gonna be the concern from his end. In that type of triad, there's gonna be a need for a lot of expression and communication And you don't want to— you want to create some boundaries and security and measures for security so that you don't sort of continue moving forward when the other person is feeling left out or unhappy or insecure.

Because these are primary— he's your husband, he's still gonna be your husband. You're gonna have an affair with this guy, who knows, or the, the other secondary relationship with this guy. But, um, I think you guys have some— it seems like there's still a lot to work out before they jump into the, the open part. Yeah, the actual sex part. So it seems like intellectually you guys have had it, but you know, had the discussion and you're both on the same page, it sounds like. But maybe some therapy, reading these books could help you. If you want to go to therapy, they are great. Those are the two standout books.

Yeah, and therapy would be really helpful too, because obviously the books aren't going to always address what's happening in your relationship in the moment, because there are some specifics in there that are, you know, they're going to need some processing. And also too, this idea of having a third party come in when you may feel like your relationship has some difficulties. Like, for example, the sexual component. You know, is she going to now be sexual with this third-party individual? And what's the experience of the primary husband if he's not necessarily able to experience that same type of sexual interactions? I mean, there's a lot that's going to come up.

They're going to have to be able to talk about this in a way that's productive and really healthy communication. Okay, good answer. Let's do one more. Hernando, thank you for helping. Thank you, Rachel. Keep us posted. Good luck, Rachel. Okay. Hi Emily, I'm a 36-year-old male. I live in Naperville, Illinois, and I listen on Spotify. Your show helped me— helps me get through the workday, so thank you. My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 10. The first 3 years of our relationship, we had a lot of amazing sex, after which we had our son and the sex life went almost non-existent. Persistent. Over the last 3 years, we have been working on trying new things and our sex life is improving. There is one thing that she really wants me to do, but I have a hard time doing it. She really wants me to be noisy and talk dirty during sex, but it feels very forced and unnatural to me. Do you have any suggestions or ways to give her the talk and noises she craves without it feeling forced or unnatural? Thanks for all you do, David, 36, Illinois. We hear this a lot, that men, you know, I always talk about like guys who don't make any noise at all. I'm like, are they Is there a pulse? Are they alive? Like, we all want to hear a little feedback, but he's, you know, she wants to say, just go from making no noise to being really noisy and talking dirty. Like, that's a lot. Again, that's my partner wants me to kind of questions, which we get a lot of these. So, and it would be unnatural. David, you're 36, you've probably been having sex for a while, never done this before. And so, yeah, start making noise. I mean, I think a lot of guys just don't as naturally make noise. Is it more that you're repressing it, the noise? Not you, but one as a man?

I think it could be a little bit of both. A lot of times we don't realize, you think of when you're working out or you think of when you're playing sports, there's a lot more grunting.

Yeah, but sex, you guys shut down.

And then sex, you're not. So why is there such a—

Why? Because I feel like I make the same noises during working out as I do sex. Sometimes I'm like, whoa, that sounded like an orgasm.

But guys don't? I think there's, for a lot of people, not just guys, I think that being witnessed especially in something so vulnerable, intimate, like being sexual with somebody, there is— it does sort of put us on heightened alert about not sort of letting loose. You know, we are kind of self-monitoring to some degree, a lot of people. You know, for that whole idea of talking dirty, although I'm not always for partners saying, I need you to do this, or I want you to do this for me, I do think it's important for us to like accept their input and try. And like, let's just see if this is something I can integrate. I'm glad she let him know. Yeah, it's great communication.

So how would you start?

You know, when I'm— when I have clients, or—

I love having you here, I'm just asking you.

I always tell people, call the process. You know, you can talk dirty just by calling the play-by-play. Maybe this is the sports side of me, but what's going on in the moment? You know, um, do you mind if I call the process and be dirty right now?

No, do it.

Okay, let's pretend like you and I are having sex. Okay. And what if I started saying, you know, oh, I can feel— I could feel my penis. I wouldn't say penis, I get much more raunchier. I could feel me inside of you. Oh, it feels so good. And I love the breath that— oh, I love when you're breathing on my neck, right? And oh my God, you look so sexy. And oh, you're so gorgeous. And look at the curve of your ass.

And oh my God, you're describing what's happening in the moment, the way you're—

oh, putting your mouth on me and sucking so hard, it just feels amazing.

Now I know these are your fantasies, right? No, exactly. Is that too detailed?

No, I love it. But do you see I'm just sort of calling what could have been happening, whether it was intercourse, oral, you know, connection or intimacy, and so you can sort of start to sexualize that. I also encourage people to practice, you know, on their own. I think that we need to envision like the sexual experiences we've had and how can we also eroticize them verbally so that we can sort of get comfortable with that. And whether it's in the shower, whether it's on, you know, and stuck in traffic, I mean, can we also create a little bit more of like that comfort with being able to talk dirty, right? And then let's start with things like dirty texts or writing erotic— you know, let's practice with this idea of getting comfortable opening up and sort of sharing a lot of our deeper innermost sexual desires.

That's why sexting is great, because when you're sexting someone, you can kind of say things that you want to try or that you've been thinking about that's harder to say face-to-face, and you can practice it. But— and I get that he's saying it feels forced or unnatural. They're like, well, she's asking me for it and I've never done it, and it will, David, because you've never done it before. But I think those are great suggestions, like what you're feeling in the moment. Like, baby, like, this is so hot. Like, I can't wait. I've been thinking about effing you all day, and I want you to, you know— what? I don't know what you guys could also— like, you could just practice, you know. Does she— I wonder if she talks dirty to him, he doesn't respond. Like, I wonder— I mean, she could also be, you know, a part of this as well. She should be, right? Call and response.

And, you know, you can't— you can also ask your partner to— like, what would be to talk to you and just get a little bit of info and input on to—

like, how would she have a fantasy around it? Like, have you ever talked about her fantasies? Like, maybe there's a fantasy that she didn't want to try out. Like, maybe she wants to be like, you know, French maid or the schoolgirl. I don't know. But talk to her about it. Then you could play that role. That might be a little easier in a way because you know what she's thinking about. So I think, um, yeah, it's practice. What could he watch? He could watch some, some good porn.

What would you recommend? That's another great example. There's a lot of porn out there that that can emulate that as well too.

Yeah, just look up dirty talk porn. I think there's everything, right? But just know that it's gonna feel unnatural and forced, and I think starting with sexting, finding out a little bit more about what she's into, and then also just know that you might laugh, you might feel uncomfortable, but like most everything we try the first time, we feel uncomfortable because this is a new frontier for you, especially when it comes to sex, and it is embarrassing, but then you get past it and it becomes like second nature, like dirty words just start flying out of your mouth. Like, I can just talk dirty, like, you know, whatever. I'm not going to do it right now. Um, you're not? But I would. No, I would, I would. But no, I like it, but it's harder because I don't like doing a lot of the, um, I don't know, on the show, like, I try to keep it more as PG as I can. You'd be like, your show is freaking PG. But you know, like, you know, this show's not PG. No, it's so not PG. We're talking about leaves squirters and stuff. But, um, yeah, David, you got this. Yeah, but I'm glad you wrote and then talk to her, get some more information, practice sexting, all that stuff. Good advice, Hernando. Thank you, Dr. Chavez. This was amazing having you here. This is so fun. We've wanted— you've been on the show once before, but it was like a while ago. Yeah. So you got to come by. And I loved it.

I enjoyed it.

Did you have a fun time? Always. Okay, good. We can find you at drhernandochavez.com. Where else? Tell me. Tell me again. Twitter?

Twitter and Instagram is Hernando underscore Chavez, right? Ends with an S. Love it.

Okay, thank you for being here. Thank you, Madison and Eddie and Lori and Jamie, my awesome team. You have a great team. I love them. Okay, thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com. I get a lot of emails looking for advice on just about everything, but I'm always excited to get questions that I can offer a definitive solution to. Although some of you are embarrassed to write me about lasting longer in bed, you should know it's way more common than you think, and there is a clinically proven solution: Promescent. Promescent is a quickly absorbing delay spray that was developed by urologists to address issues with premature ejaculation, or PE. Make no mistake, this is not the old-fashioned delay spray that leaves you and your partner numb. It still allows your maximum sensation without any transfer to your partner. The makers of Promescent have been dedicated to helping men for years now, and they've taken the product through rounds of clinical tests that have proven its effectiveness. It is FDA compliant and has been endorsed by a host of medical professionals. Promescent is the real deal. Even if you don't always experience PE, Promescent can help you and your partner experience longer lasting sex. Boost your confidence, and eliminate performance anxiety. Try it for yourself and see. Promescent is available without a prescription from a variety of retailers. For more information or to order, go to sexwithemily.com and click on the Promescent banner.