Emily & The Guys We F*cked

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standard. Oh my. Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean?

Like laundry?

It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much. Are you kidding me? Oh, my God.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com check out our podcast. We release it two times a week. If you don't know that and you can easily subscribe to the podcast and check out all the blogs. We do post things on the website every day so you guys can have better sex and relationships because that's why you're here. Right? And also social media is an awesome way to stay connected. Per usual at Sex with Emily, across the board, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and Twitter. I'm jumping into the show because my guests are here. I just. I'm so excited to talk to them. Very special guest. They just flew in. They came to the show. I have the infamous women from the podcast, the very popular, amazing, successful podcast. Guys, we fucked. Or F. Asterisk, Asterisk, Asterisk. D. Right. If you guys don't know. Corinne Fisher and Christina Hutchinson. Hi. Welcome to the Sex with Emily podcast.

Hi.

This is a big moment.

It is.

I'm so glad you guys are here. Sex podcasters uniting. Yeah. And in honor of your new book, which we've all read in the office, we're very excited about it. The full title, I'm just gonna. I'm really excited. Getting off and saying fuck so much. I said on the show, so go for it. Fucked. Being sexually explorative and self confident in a world that's screwed. Congratulations. That's beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. It feels really good. So if you guys want to follow them all, this will all be on the website as well. But it's all your social medias. Orryaboutlastnight, Facebook and Instagram. And then there's thery about last nyt. That's our Twitter. Twitter. I did. I nailed that. Yeah. Tell me about you guys, how you met, how you got started. And for people who haven't been listening to your podcast. Um, I love the story. So let's just get into it.

Yeah. So I moved to New York City to intern for SNL is my. What I wanted to do. And my first internship was with a management company, talent management, called Lehman Entertainment. Corrine was one of the three people who worked there. So I was pretty much. I was her intern, which is how we met. I was a sophomore in college and I.

You guys met that okay.

Yeah. And I had just graduated and it was. I mean, being an assistant in the entertainment business in New York or LA is grueling. You're working super long hours, you're not getting paid a lot. So an intern was extremely helpful. Christina was very helpful when I was crying at my desk on like Friday nights at 10pm Because LA likes to take their time in sending things to New York.

And she was so.

Yeah. And like every, every Friday would happen, you know, and I'm in my 20s, I want to go out and live a life. And so Christina then approached me one day and said, I'm doing a standup comedy show. Would you have any interest in coming? I did. She was very good, very charismatic, funny jokes. And I had been kind of like undercover, been taking classes at like UCB and going to shows, like spending all my nights in comedy clubs. And so we started our comedy duo which is called Sorry About Last Night, which is under the umbrella that guys we fucked is under.

Okay.

Yeah. So we just started stand up at the same time. We would produce for Sorry About Last Night. We would produce these like really wild, weird late night shows where we would make. We would get like donated vodka and make punch, you know, jungle juice with it and like drinks for donations. And at the end of the night we're like, I hope we have enough ticket sales to pay for the venue.

I was like. He said donated. We were definitely stealing those from like employees.

Yeah, we stole it. Of course, the one real estate company I worked for did donate it, but I made it seem like it was for a cause.

Right, right.

The cause was us.

Exactly. Everything's better. I was just thinking of actually as I'm like, should we have some wine? It's Friday afternoon. But we're not. We could, but you had such great chemistry. Did that happen right away? Were you guys taking the classes together? How did you both. I mean, there's so many comedians in the world.

It's actually just been working together for a really long time. We were talking about this earlier, like we have a twin thing, secret language.

You know, twins speak a secret language. We speak that language fluently.

Yeah.

And sometimes we'll say like 15 word long sentences at the same time. And we're like, what the fuck? And we, we have to go shopping together a lot of the time so that we don't buy the same thing thing, even though we have different sense of style. But we'll come down from the hotel, in the hotel lobby before our show and then we're both wearing the same thing or like oopsies.

Yeah.

When we're on tour, we have. We have a. We're a very interesting track record of coming down in the same color and style. Where it's too close, we choose to.

Go formal the same time or casual at the same time.

It's weird. I think it's. Maybe we under. We understand the guys we fucked audience so well that we know what outfit is called for on any given day in any given location.

That's a better way to say that's a great.

I love that.

There you go.

I love the positive. Because you guys are both like glass half full.

No, I mean for convenience.

I read.

That was me bullshitting.

Okay, fine, but who really?

She is empty glass empty.

Totally empty.

She is.

Yeah, it's pretty empty. Mine's overflowing.

Well, that's why you guys balance each other out.

Yeah, exactly.

We all need that, right?

So in the middle of humor is the reality.

And we all go down and up. Let's be honest. Like, I would like to say I'm glass half full, but a lot of times it's, you know, it's dark. You guys help each other see the light.

Sure.

And you help your listener. Well, you know.

Well, one thing we have in common is our sense of humor. And we both like laughing at dark shit, like really uncomfortable things. And so that's what, that's what bonds us.

I want to hear the story about when you actually started, like the whole, like, let's do a podcast about guys we fucked.

Okay, take it away.

Corinne.

Corinne, this is your story.

The very clear impetus for this was me being dumped in a Panera Bread by this guy that I was dating for two years. And I mean, not just any guy. This is, I thought, was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

I called them my idol couple.

Really?

So cute.

I want to be like you guys.

And it wasn't fake. I mean, a lot of, A lot of it was a great.

In your 20s, not early 20s.

It wasn't the age. It was. I mean, he was, he was 30 when we ultimately broke up. But I mean, it was, I think.

It was just, you know, was your first one, right. Your first serious relationship.

I had a five year relationship before that. Yeah. I mean, it was just. It just. I needed to like, go on in my career and I was more like supporting him in his career, which is, I think what a lot of, especially men need. And now the person he's with is that person. And she seems great and Like, a great fit for him. But, you know, I also think that Shmit maybe has some dreams that she didn't pursue fully.

Right.

She's, like, supporting him.

Right, I got it. Okay. So you got dumped in the bread. Panera Bread, which isn't even a great place, let's be honest. I don't know.

I was just there last night, really, And I could. There's this homeless guy who was very schizophrenic, and he was saying racial slurs, and I was like, you need to leave. And then I was like, don't stab me.

And then they.

Yeah, they. Right. We did another. Right. Everything happens at Panera Brad. Okay, so then you were like, after you had dumped, and you're like, okay, we should just start a podcast.

Well, I was heartbroken. I mean, I was going, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to be like, well, you're in your 20s. I get it.

Heartbreaking.

I get it.

No, it. It was fine. I. It just wasn't. It wasn't about the age. I'm kind of a very old, old soul. Anyway. It was just the timing and what he needed from me and what I needed from a partner. Have you ever gotten dumped before that, Corinne?

No.

And it's also, like, the first time you're dumped is terrible, especially if you don't expect it.

Even if you look back.

No, it's always terrible. It's. It's the worst thing. I know, right? Exactly. Completely.

And. Yeah. And so I just spent a year wallowing in a pool of my own self pity. We were working together, making a lot of sketches and still doing live shows. And I just really immersed myself in. In comedy. And then after a year, I kind of pitched this idea to Christina. And the idea for Guys We Fucked was very much like John Cusack, high fidelity. Like, let's go back and interview all the people we've had sex and relationships with to use it as a mirror to hold up to ourselves and find out what we could do better.

Right.

And then that very quickly changed into number one. You just are who you are. It's not so much that you need to change everything about yourself. And opened up this much larger conversation that got a lot more serious than we expected. And we were just inundated with emails about things that we have no level of expertise and kind of had to read and research and didn't know happened as often.

Like, we have a very unique window. And I feel like you probably do too, when you hear from your people.

This is my neck. Yeah.

Into what people are ashamed of. Sexually excited about sexually and are want to talk about but just won't because they have no reason they're having sex with.

Exactly. So let's talk about that for a bit. Because you said your audience knows you, what you'd want when you come down, you know the outfit, but they do. They really don't. You feel like your audience knows you and you know your audience now. So what have you realized? What surprised you? Because I know you did. You said in your book, which everyone has to check out the book, which I love the way it's written, it's fun, it's light, but it's also got like. It's got. It's median light at the same time and entertaining and comedic. Oh, yeah. Let's get into the Instagram live. Okay.

Hello.

I'm excited. We're in the middle of a podcast here. And I've got guys we fucked here. I've got Corinne, I've got Christina.

All the guys we fucked and all the guys we.

All the guys they fucked.

Up.

Okay. You guys, they're awesome. We're sitting here, we're having. We're just getting into their book. Check out their new book. Okay. It's fucked. You should all get this book. You see it being sexually. I can't read it back. Confidence, sexually exploitive.

In a world that screws.

Thank you. In a world that's screwed. And we're getting into now. So, so welcome. Thank you for joining us. This is a good time to be here. Okay. So into your book. Well, we'll get into the book and everything. But no, you did say in the book. Thank you very much. That you were surprised that people started emailing you. You got the topic you started four years ago.

Yeah.

And you're like, holy shit, these people are emailing, like, with all these questions. And a lot of it kind of came down to like shame and not accepting themselves and feeling. You're like, wow, people are really going through some things. So what. What have you learned? What have you? Well, I mean, I think about that shame.

Yeah. I think I mentioned in the book. I'm very succinctly. It's that I realized from doing the podcast what a different experience I've had living my life because I haven't walked around carrying shame and how differently I see the world. And I think that's like, for my half of the podcast, I think that's what I'm really bringing to the table. Just I. When people come on and tell their stories or email Us. Sometimes I'm just sitting there and I really just feel so disconnected from these people because I can't imagine having gone through these 32 years of my life carrying that weight. Like life is hard enough feeling good about yourself. So if you hate yourself and are ashamed of what you look like, what you love, what you believe in, I mean, that seems to me like an impossible feat.

It is. But you were saying though, that if you're more glass half empty, then you don't have a lot of the shame. So where does all of your other stuff come from?

The reality that people are terrible and the world is a bad place. And I mean, it just.

I mean, for me, what's our purpose on the planet? Existential angst.

Yeah, it's like purpose. I mean, I. Sometimes I can't fall asleep at night just because, you know, because I'll watch like something like the confession tapes on Netflix and two young men were wrongly accused of murdering the one guy's parents. And then I can't sleep for a week. I mean, I guess that's not normal, but then again, that upsets me greatly.

No, I get it. I get it. I think either we're wallowing in our own stuff or we're like. Then you get to play. We're like, I actually love myself. I do. And look the world, such a messed up place. I think those are our choices because the brain. We love suffering and we don't love suffering. We can't help it that we're wired to go towards. Some people are comfortable with it. We're comfortable. It's like a comfy blanket and we get into suffering. But I think also that's where our mind. I mean the minds don't default towards happiness. They just don't. Like the Buddha was all about suffering. If you go back to like every self help and every kind of.

I hate suffering.

I know I don't love suffering. We. Right, but that's our default. So we do what we can to bring it up.

Yeah, I was gonna say she.

She changed the place. Right, Exactly. Well, you know, hey, we got to make comfort with our. Whatever it is. Okay, so let's talk about the, the emails and this. So from women. So I love the way you guys talk to your listeners and talk to women and the advice you give because it's kind of like. I think it's so opening because women do worry so much about. Let's. Let's just start with it. With their vaginas. I love your book. Like, I'm like, could you Pick your vagina out of a lineup. Like, I had Lark and Jamie come over this morning. I'm like, which vagina are you? Cause it's like, women. I didn't have the same thing. Like, maybe because I wasn't watching porn when I, you know, was growing up learning about sex. There wasn't porn as much where I might have worried about other things, but never my vagina. So that didn't carry over into me right now. But there's a lot of vagina anxiety.

Well, I didn't realize there's a. I think there's a moment within every woman's life where she realizes that not all the vaginas look like the one I have.

Right.

And I didn't know that until, like, later.

You thought they were all, like, the same kind of like, we have five fingers and we have, like. Right.

Yeah.

I think it's cooler that they don't look like.

You never know what you're gonna get.

I didn't know about, like. Like, when you, like, when started talking about, like, meaty pussies. I'm like, what. What do you mean by that?

Meaty pussy? Right. Yeah.

Because I didn't know what that meant.

And then.

Yeah.

So I think the first mention that I even, like, recognized that that was a weird or different thing was on, like, the Hills, when they used to call, like, Lauren Beef curtains or something.

They put that on TV on the Hills.

They did.

Well, that's terrible. That's where it started.

It's festers everywhere. Because, I mean, I got through, like, 28 years of my life without ever even thinking or noticing that I had anything different or weird or less valuable between my legs. And so it's funny because actually doing this podcast about confidence, like, I feel like I'm giving my confidence away. And then people's insecurities. I have to really, really be careful to protect myself from them kind of coming and infiltrating my bubble. Because it's. It's hard.

People project.

It's hard not to. It's hard not to take that onto you and then start thinking, like, oh, well, maybe I should have been worried about this the whole time. Am I just a huge narcissist? Which I absolutely am, but I don't think that.

But also confident.

Like, you gotta be confident. Right?

Confident. Cultivating confidence is the most important work that we can do on the planet for men and for women, whoever you are on the planet, because we just. It doesn't naturally come so easily. And since we talk about sex a lot, People, women and men, we have a lot of insecurities around sex. So what would be a message that you think is the most important thing that you tell? Like, I. I feel like I'm always saying this, but I love the way you guys just sort of talk about, I think, your nipples or your.

Yeah, well, I think with women it's like, like yourself first and know how to pleasure yourself first and those two things. And then when you know what makes you come and you know how to, you know what you like, then you could you have the tools to at least enter a sexual situation with a partner and say, this is what I like and this is what I don't like.

And so exactly the most important thing. So how. Okay, so how did you guys know that growing up? Did you masturbated? Right. You both. Oh, I masturbated.

Like I humped everything in the goddamn house from like 5 onwards.

Yeah, my first boyfriend beat me. Masturbate.

You did?

Yeah, I mean, I was like, I. I had just turned 18 and he was, I mean, going on 26. So I was very lucky that I had someone.

Panera?

No.

Oh, different guy.

Yeah. Before my college boyfriend who I dated for five years. And he was great. And I was, I was really lucky to have someone who was so sex positive and so not knowledgeable and like accurate knowledge.

Right? Not like, not like fake.

Fake news guy knowledge. Yeah, Ye.

That is really great for formative years because most women. And you probably get this from your emails. I know every day we get emails. Why can't I have an orgasm? I'm insecure about sitting on top. He's gonna look at my boobs, he's gonna look at my body. And really, just basically they're about orgasms. And I would say, you gotta know your own body, what makes you feel good. And I don't know how else to like. And no matter how many ways I say it, we still get the questions. And every day, of course, there's new listeners, but it's just really the most important work you can do in sex and gonna get better.

I was thinking about this the other day because there was a news piece on female sex dolls, sex robots, and it was very. I was very creeped out by it at first because I'm like. But then I thought, because I don't. I didn't hear of them making male ones yet. And maybe they have, I just haven't. But I'm like, I think the women. Women actually could use a male sex doll so they can experience what it's like to fuck without giving a shit about what the other person thinks of you.

Exactly.

And that's women. I think women. And I was certainly did this to myself all the time. I always cared about, do I look? Is this a good position?

Do I look?

I'm like, who fucking cares?

Right?

When you have an orgasm or you're like, it's not sexy. It is in the moment. Because you're both having sex and you idea hopefully like the person. But you know, sex isn't really that sexy if you think about it. Everyone tries to pretend it is. They are.

That's. It's true. I hear from a lot of people are sleeping with women. I would say women in their 20s, you know, learned about sex for watching porn. Like, I don't understand if she's into it or not. I feel like they're kind of acting like the women important. Like they're doing these things that are so. They're so out of their body. And I think women who have not spent the time exploring and figuring out what makes them feel good and I.

And taking time with your own body, you know.

And that is the sex. The irony of it all is that once you learn that is the sexiest thing, it's not making noises like this woman in porn. Or moving in a certain way. It's when you truly love yourself, love your body. Spend time in your bedroom with a mirror between your legs and like literally going, wow, look at my clitoris. Once I start to get turned on, it swells. Or it's hidden behind this clitoral hood. I mean, it's kind of. It's really great work to do. And you're like, that's mine and I love it. But until you do that or until you just.

If you're comfortable doing that.

If you're comfortable. Yeah, you don't need to start with that today. But that is a good exercise for.

Everyone to do homework.

Yeah, I miss homework. I can't complain. I went to sex school. We had to make our vagina. We had to do things with like snow. We had to like sex school. Yeah. Well, I got my doctor. I called sex school. But where I got my doctorate. It was sex school. I went to sex parties. But no, in sex school parties. But we. You had to like. One of the classes was we had to get up naked. Interesting extracurricular in front of class. And we had to like, look at our. But you had a choice. But I don't think I've ever told the story. You're looking at me like, she hasn't heard this one. No. But we had to get in front of class. We could wear clothes or not. I think I wore underwear, but took everything else off. And we had to say, like, what we loved, what we didn't like. And it was really intense, and yet. Yeah, I know, but it's really cool because you're like, oh, I. Why don't I love this? And I could really. I looked at it. I'm like, do I really, like, hate my neck? Or whatever. It was my, like, elbow. And you're thinking, oh, no, I'm actually, you know, I am beautiful the way I am. And then we have to go home, it's all around and do all, like.

Shame is made up. And I remember. I've had this example before. When I was in fourth grade, I remember we did a project, like a fact sheet about ourselves, and we had to write down our weight. And I remember overhearing a woman go, I'll never tell somebody what I weigh, or never, like, days early or whatever. And I was in fourth grade, so I remember writing down my weight and covering it up. And my teacher was like, why are you doing that? And in my head, I was like, women are supposed to feel insecure about their weight, right? And so I'm like, I don't want anybody to know. And I was in fourth grade, and.

I remember your mom or from your.

Not my mom. My mom. Not at all. I got a lot of shit from my mom.

Don't get me wrong. We should throw the moms under the bus. But not that, right?

No, not with that. But, yeah. I just remember overhearing it and going, oh, I guess this is how we behave. I don't know. And so it's. I think of that example, and then I think of just all the ways we're fucked because we're really being presented with things that aren't realistic, like opinions of ourselves. And we're.

I know, We're.

We're adapting them just because we're leading by example or something.

Well, I think there's, like, a hard push to love yourself. I don't even think it's. You should love your soul as far as your body. I don't even think you have to love your aesthetic body. I think you just have to accept that that is what you have and realize that you have the choice to either you can. You can work out, you can diet, you can make it better. You can just say, you know what? This is how I am, and this is what I like, and I'm going to accept that this is what I. This is what I have and this is what I look like. And I'm gonna do the best. And I mean, the important thing is, are you healthy? Do your parts work correctly? I mean, that's so much more important. Do they bring you pleasure? Do you know how to use your body to get the things that you need? That's. That's more important.

It's not love. Just even be neutral. Don't hate on it.

Yeah, yeah. Just accept, like, that's all they have. You know, everything could always be better. I mean, that's no way to live, right?

Well, like, living that you're. Oh, questions. We've got questions. Oh, guys, we.

Hi, Corinne, Christina. They're awesome. Hi. Ask. Yes. What are the steps you can take to desensitize from these unrealistic standards of sex?

I think first things first. Masturbate with your imagination.

For me, you're not porn.

Yeah.

You guys go back and forth.

I do porn. I watch porn a lot.

And then I'll.

I'll challenge myself and I'll be like, just masturbate to your thoughts.

Mental challenge.

So much work. And I'm so disappointed because I'm like, oh, man. Porn is a lazy way.

It is to just put exactly what.

You want to see in a search field and get it and come in like, you know, 10 minutes and it's, you know, it's just. You're more in tune with what you want and what you like and what you find attractive and what arouses you if you do it to your imagination.

That's true. And that's a skill too. Building it, like. Cause what is your. What really turns you on? For a lot of women, it's very confusing why they're not turned on at the same time as their partner. Right. Like, why don't I want. When he walks in the door, for example, heterosexual couple, he's ready to go. I'm not. Because women aren't. We're not many women not as in touch with what actually, really, truly turns us on. What is our erotic theme?

Think from your pussy. I've told a lot of women that think from your pussy.

Right? Think. Think from it. Right. Come up with your own stuff. Because then it's just more top of mind. I think that women, like, they get blindsided. A lot of them. They're like, I didn't even know sex was happening or it's coming or I don't know what I like and I don't know my body.

Yeah.

I Mean, I think when you're using your imagination, a lot of times you're going to be using real people in your life. So they're not. They're imperfect already to start with, and I think that's interesting. So you know them, it humanizes them, and it highlights imperfection as still being hot. Whereas in porn, you're seeing, like, the person acting their sexiest, looking their sexiest, and then, I don't know, it just feels like a big show to me. Like, porn I just digest a little bit. I just get too wrapped up in, like, how people are being treated. So from doing this fucking podcast, doing research.

So how do I ask you guys how it has? Do we answer that? We answered that. How do you think it has changed your views of sex doing this podcast for four years? Because I. First of all, I feel like there's so many questions about being kindred spirits in that way. Like, there's. We've been doing this, and then also I've talked about dating, but go ahead. How has it changed?

Well, one thing I didn't think that. I think now is I truly feel like 97% of women have either been raped, sexually assaulted, molested, something.

Yeah, yeah.

And half of them who at least email us have never told anybody. And I never understood why somebody would stay with an abusive partner or why somebody wouldn't report a rape. And now, oh, boy, do I understand.

Oh, yeah.

Hearing horror stories of, like, I went to the police, I did all the right things that you're supposed to do, and then they just asked me what I was fucking wearing, and I'm like, oh, right.

Well, you should have wearing it buttoned to the top. Yeah, Terrible, right?

I mean, yeah.

I mean, for me, it's been kind of nice, like, because we. I. We talked about. We talk about sex so much that I don't have to think about it in my regular life as much. So it almost created more space for me to care about other things.

Okay, so before the podcast that you were then consumed with sex and relationships or just how to.

Yeah, more. I mean, more so. Just definitely, like, more interested in sex than I am now. Not that I.

It's.

It's so weird to say I'm not disinterested sex, but I'm just like, talk about it.

We talk about it.

Other things are.

I'm glad you guys have each other. Like, I feel like I have my staff, too. But we're like, you know. Yeah, you talk about all the time. And you're like, people ask you, do you get sick of sex, talk about sex. And I'm like, I don't get sick of it.

It's a lot of topics under the umbrella. I didn't even realize, oh, my God, it never ends.

Right. But you were saying that.

Yeah, I just. I can make room for other things in my life and realize that other things are. Are equally important to me, if not more so important.

But do you feel like it's improved your sex life? It sounds like you guys came out of the womb, like, yeah, you know, your body's your hump and things. I wasn't like that for sex because.

When I told my mom I lost my virginity when I was 15, 16, she. I was in a restaurant, and she had never given me a sex talk. And then she, like, walked out of the restaurant and talked to me. But the crazy thing is, when she found out about the podcast, obviously, I held the. I withheld the title of it for. For managed that for three years. And then she found out because somebody saw the. She didn't see the book at that time yet, but.

Right. Everyone should buy their bop jacket.

My brother texted me and goes, mom knows. And I knew exactly what that meant, and so I didn't call her. And she. She was kind enough to not call me and yell at me, and she just waited till she cooled off to have a conversation about it and then come to find out why. She had that crazy reaction when I was 15 years old to me losing my virginity. She was sexually assaulted when she was 11, and she. When she heard I was sexually active, she was so afraid that that would happen to me. And I was like, you would have gone to the grave without ever telling me that?

Exactly. We don't ask enough questions.

My fucking mother, even my mother, like, wow, that was insane. That was an insane moment.

Right? And she probably hadn't even really thought about maybe or known what. That's why she reacted in that way. That's why this is the problem or the crisis around sex education, which I truly think it is, which is why I think it's so great that you. You know, that we're all doing these podcasts and you got. People are listening, and they're. They're. They have places to go now where they can actually learn some useful information rather than people are just hiding it from us or repressive. They're repressed, or they don't know how to talk about it. And I don't think we necessarily want our parents. I don't think we want to hear about sex with our parents. Yeah, that's where I'm kind of. My head's going to this. Like, what's the bigger thing around sex now? I'm like, I want there to be stronger sex education. I can't talk to everybody, but I think it's like a peer thing. Maybe if you're training peers in schools or it's aunt program or something, because I have an aunt, I have three nieces and I. And then all their friends, we get on FaceTime and I'm like, okay, this is what we do. But, you know, it's like, what do we do? Because my parents might have failed, but I don't even actually think if I knew what the questions were. Like, my mom was always like, if you have questions, you should come to me. I'm like, gotcha.

I will.

Like, I didn't know what the questions are. And even if I did, I don't want to hear about you having sex.

Yeah.

At all.

So I agree with that.

Is there because you were in politics. I have a question, I believe. And if there's steps to do it, I'll. I'll do it. How do we get sex education in the United States is at a. In a dire position where you don't have to teach. You can teach abstinence only if you choose a public school, which is insane to me. But ways to combat that is you get on the school, your local school board, run for. Run to be on the board and get elected and insert these things in the curriculum. And that's even an uphill battle. But is there a way to propose a new legislation to require discussion about sexual assault, sexual abuse in. In middle school sex ed?

Well, I think there should be. I don't think it's. Well, right now, I don't think it's anything like that's going to happen in our government.

But if we wanted to, what would we do? How we even spent. Start get a senator behind it. Like, I don't even know.

I mean, you would. I think everything starts locally with politics. So I think that if you start local, it can go more global, go national. So I feel like, you know, where you guys live, if there's like, yeah, local people. Like, there's a school board, actually. I know, like, in San Francisco, there's interior. I'm sure there's like the school board. School and county board, when they are elected officials and they eventually want to be senator, and that's why they climb through these ranks. But there are school boards are just to regulate those kind of programs.

And you can be on a school board even if you don't have a kid. I could be on my local school board in Manhattan.

You could be on the school board. Yeah, you could totally be on the school school board. And it is because I'm paying the taxes for that. You're paying the taxes. That's. That's where you would start. But I think a lot of it is programs that come in from outside of the school. That's like a nationally recognized program that is sort of. Maybe it's like some kind of digital like it's online or it's an app or it's something people come in and speak as well. But it's. I don't think it's coming from the schools or the government. Each school decide if they want it. And then maybe there's some kind of.

Because the dare was a government thing.

Right.

Because I knew Corinne has a bit about dare. Understandup. And it's like we know all about angel dust and pcp but we didn't ever know that women had orgasms because that's not required for pregnancy.

Right? Well, we didn't know about orgasms. We knew about pleasure. All it was all. It was all about fear. Fear based education. So I literally think if we want something to happen quick, it's not going to happen. They're going through that. Going through the system. Yeah.

I mean in the book I talked about this website that I discovered while doing research for the book called Scarlatine. And here I am at 31 years old learning more from this website that's obviously meant for teenagers than I learned in my entire life combined. And that's why I wanted to point it out. I was just like guys go here. This is so much more valuable than like reading some weird article from like Maxim or watching pornography.

I have to say we have another question. But I was going to say the same thing, that for the 12 years or 13 years I've been doing this, Scarlettine is the only. Is the one site that I've always mentioned. It still is great. So if you have kids or anybody like go there and you don't have.

To have a parent be part of that. If you don't like the conversation.

We have another question. Hello. Hi. Good question. Is there a way to apologize to someone that you might have harassed or assaulted or better not to say anything?

I think that's going to be very dependent on the situation and the person is going to be responsible for knowing what was the last time we talked? What were the circumstances? Am I friends with this person's friends, Can I maybe check in with them first before I contact this person? Because this person might really not want to hear from me.

Right.

But I. I mean, I think that in an instance where maybe you don't feel like that person will be traumatized, retraumatized by hearing from you because it was like a violent rape, I don't.

Think you want to be like, sorry about that. Yeah, sorry about the rape. You're looking good.

That's going to feel. You're going to feel insulted and demeaned. You know, on top of everything you already feel.

Yeah, I think there's definitely different levels. I actually had a really personal experience with that.

This.

Over the past couple of days, I got this DM on Instagram from a comedian who. I recognize the name as being a comedian. I honestly couldn't pick him up out of a lineup if my life depended on me. And he was apologizing for, like a couple years ago, apparently he brought me up at a show in a way that implied, because of the name of our podcast, that he wanted to fuck me and then wanted to accept, explain that that's not what he. And I was just like. And I get messages like this every now and again. And I guess especially in times like this when, when. When like, everyone. People's emotions are flaring up and everyone's afraid they're gonna be next to. And it kind of rubbed me the wrong way because I feel like he was just trying to cover his bases. Like, cover his bases. And also, like, who have I assaulted?

Let me go through my list.

He wanted me to congratulate him for this incident. That, number one, did not affect me at all. And also that I did not remember and then only almost got got aggravated that I wasn't like, oh, my God, thank you for being the most chivalrous man. I was like. I was like, it seems to me that you just delivered a hack joke and that I was not amused by it. Like, that's what it's like.

Don't you get that? Also another thing too, like, that kind of thing, like, we get brought up on stage by. By male comics when it's done in a. In a bad taste way all the time. And it's to the point where I think the bigger point in that is, like, it wasn't even a speck on my radar because that's how often it fucking happens.

Well, that's the other thing is that happens all the time. I mean, because all these things have happened in my life to these Aggressions or sexual assault. Not assault, but throughout my life, it's happening. I'm like, that time, that time that I've been remembering. They're like, who's had sex with Emily? This is sex with Emily wherever I go. Huh? That's funny. Yeah, I keep that on before. Yeah. Great question, though. Thank you for that question. I think that was helpful. We're gonna take a break. We love you all. Thank you for being here. Okay, you guys, Corinne, Christina. Guys, we fucked Amazing podcast. Their book. Check it out. We're gonna do a quick shout out to our sponsors. You guys get to go shopp the sex toy closet. I know you guys get a lot of sex toys. We said we're going to do a cur. Yeah, it'll be really fun. I can't wait. Okay, so thank you for supporting our sponsors. They help keep this show available and free to you all. And we will be right back.

In your book. Being sexually exploitive and self confident in a world that's screwed. I love the term fasculated because I feel like a lot of the things that we hear from women too, you know, what is it about comparing ourselves to others, right? And I always, you know, I learned this at a young age. Like, I'll never be as good as being someone else. There's always gonna be somebody, right? So I feel like I learned this, right? So I don't do this. I mean, it's not one of my things. Like, thank God I have other things. But I don't often compare, think why aren't I like that? Or why, you know, I do so many other things.

Neither did I.

That was a way that. Until what?

I didn't either. Until the ex girlfriend.

Well, let's talk about the emasculation of you, of Christina. But then let's talk about the masculine feeling like you're never good enough as a woman because we're constantly comparing ourselves to other women. Let's help women with this plagues us.

So I was always. I always kind of felt in my head that I was the hottest person the, the boyfriend that I had at the time had ever dated. And, you know, not by a landslide. But like being. Being attractive was important to me. Way too important to me. And then I kind of started to let that go and realize, oh, there's like other things that to be good at. You could be proud of and it looks. Whatever, who cares? And. And then when I met my boyfriend, now Steven of six years, when I first met him, he was dating a famous porn star and he had told me about it and I was like.

Doris, can we say this?

We talk about her all the time, right? She's on the show so many times. I'm like, can I talk about.

You wanna see the book?

And. And I was like, that's amazing. And then Steven and I had like a really instant connection that I filed him under my head as, you can't date him, he's a girlfriend. So I kind of like categorized him there. And Stoia is a porn star who is beautiful, intelligent, really in, like, geeky and into doing porn and making porn for women from the female perspective. And like, she just. She rules, right? She fucking rules. And so when I met up with Steven a year later and he was like, yeah, my girlfriend dumped me. And I was like, oh. And then I started dating him and he was kind of getting over her. That was the first time that I felt so threatened by Stoya.

And that would be tough. Yeah.

And then for the longest time on the podcast, we didn't. I didn't say her name because I didn't want to talk negatively about. I feel gossipy. But I did have these feelings of like, she is so sexy and so effortlessly sexy. And that is not who I am as a woman. I am a goofy person. I am a. You know, I can be. I'm sexy in a totally different way. So I felt so undervalued compared. Like, oh, he was dating this crazy, exciting roller coaster of a person and now it's just, hey, I'm Christina. And so I felt like shit about that. And then I was like, there is no word for the female version of emasculated. That's so fucked up. Because so many women always compare themselves to other women via the advertising industry and every billboard and every commercial. And so, yeah, and then interviewing her was like one of the most nerve wracking experiences of my life.

Did you interview her on the podcast?

Yeah. Three years into the podcast. Well, two and a half, maybe. Maybe it was two. But it was three years of me feeling that way about her. And I just. I remember one time having sex with my boyfriend. This was during that stage. And I. I wanted to tell him so bad. I feel like you don't like me as much. And I feel like your last girlfriend is so much sexier than I can ever be and is more, is better in bed and is capable. And I wanted to. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed and wanting. I'm like, something is not letting me say the words. And he would have been so receptive to that conversation. But instead I was acting bitchy to him or acting like I didn't give a shit and sweeping it under the rug. And like, when you feel that way, you. You gotta. You gotta go internal. But you have to start confronting it right away.

Absolutely.

Because it's gonna surface into something very ugly.

So.

Yeah.

And then. So you did. You brought it up to him and you talked to her. And it kind of took, like, everything else that you admit. When we talk about our fears, we talk about that kind of takes away all the power the hold it has on me.

Why humanized her? Because I was putting her on the highest pedestal on the highest mountain in the clouds. And then when she said on the podcast, she said, I feel like I'm standing on top of a pedestal inside of a garbage can because people treat her like shit. She can't get an apartment. She can't get a bank account. People come up to her and say degrading things when she's just trying to fucking go grocery shopping. And so I had her as this. But that's not.

Humans are too right.

You know, and so you can't. You can't put anybody on that pedestal ever. It's not healthy. It doesn't make any sense. And especially when you're doing it to the detriment of your own soul.

Exactly.

So that made me go. And I just felt all the weight of three years.

I can imagine. I love that. I mean, first of all, that's like an extreme. Like, your ex was dating a hot porn star. How do you happen to know? And she's like, hot and cold and sweat. You can dumb or you have to be like, everything.

When we aired the interview and people were like, it's stoya. Oh, I didn't know it was stoy. I would have felt like shit, too. I'm like, all right, all right, settle down.

But the reason why I like that story, because you've come through that. You've obviously it helped and probably brought you closer. Now your sex is even better. Who knows? But I. We get those emails every day from women who are like, I'm really concerned because my boyfriend, you know, I'm really inexperienced. You guys get those emails a lot from women who are like, I'm really inexperienced. Or I know that he's been with more women than I have, or I know that she, you know, and that just all this worry about our sexual performance and that we're not going to meet up, we're not going to add up.

And that's not Going to make you in the moment.

Oh, exactly.

What is your best advice for staying in the moment during sex?

Look.

Look each other in the eyes.

Yeah. Intimacy.

Yeah.

I mean, going slow, like using an acting technique. There's an acting technique that an actor named Josh Pice created. I can't remember the name of the acting technique, but basically it's like you just have to be present in the morning moment. And when you find your mind drifting, you literally say out loud, I'm back. I use this technique, I'm back.

I'm back.

I'm back in my life all the time. Obviously can't say out loud during sex. I'm back. But I think to myself all the time. I'm back all the time. It's called, I remember it's called committed impulse. And I think I'm back all the time because I have a really hard time staying in the moment.

And I think a lot of.

Save a lot. I've left 16 times, but that's good. I'm back. I mean, it's so hard. Can you imagine? It's hard to be. I've always been this way and now with everything else going on in the world, to be focused. I like, I'm back.

Stephen and I did this thing recently where I was like, can we just have sex? Like do foreplay? And then like you're inside me and then we just like breathe and just like stay there and don't move. We don't move except we breathe deep. And oh my God, it was so hot.

That's tantra, basically. And I was very, I was sort of, this sounds silly, but I've been doing this, you know, for a while and people were like, oh, tantra, Tantra. I'm like, yeah, I'll get to Tantra eventually. Like the Kam Sutra. Like, I was kind of putting them in the same category that like you like one day I'll do those positions with your leg. Goes that. But the thing about tantra, so I thought it was then I'm going to have a full body orgasm and I'm going to sit there for six hours and stare into someone's eyes. I'm like, I can't even like sit by myself. But then I started to do a little like Tantra light. I went to this five day retreat in Hawaii because where else are you going to do Tantra with this guy? But it wasn't even about. It was with John Wineland and he's great, talks about like the masculine and feminine and there were singles and then there was couples there. And there was also his girlfriend, who's a kundalini teacher. If you were taking Kundalini yoga, which is also about, like, breathing into your pelvic floor and how we're so disconnected with our.

It sounds like Italian cunt to me.

But it's not Italian.

Like an Italian cunt.

Oh, Kundalini.

Sorry. I just had to get that out of my system.

It's amazing. So. But. But what it was, was. And I didn't really know what I was in for, but he was on my show, and he was very powerful. The way he talked about the way we are in our. The way women are in their feminine. A lot of women lose our feminine because we're sort of mimicking this toxic masculinity that we think we have to be, like, in the world to kind of compete with men. So feminism, what it kind of brought was, oh, we're going to be tough, we're going to be strong, we're going to be independent. You know, I know I'm very much like this in this. Like, I'm going to support myself and I'm going to be independent. I don't need anybody. And that's sort of how I was raised, which is super sexy in the bedroom. But. No, but it's saying, how do women get back into their. Into their bodies? Because we've lost a lot of that. And because when we are really in our bodies and feeling sexual, that's what we could get taken advantage of. And so there's just all these messages that society has passed down that we're not really in touch with our bodies. So that was kind of the premise of his podcast is in men learning to be men. Because a lot of times we look at men and we're like, that's not sexy because he's not. There's a lot of layers to it. The point is, I went to this thing and really, we sat there. We had to pick partners. And I sat with this one guy. Had not met him, and we're, you know, we were there for a few days, but we would partner up. And it was like 45 minutes we'd learned these techniques, and we sat there just like, my legs, like, I sat on his lap with, like, my legs wrapped around him. But we have clothes. No, no. There was no sex allowed. We all had our clothes on. But this was an exercise. We'd be building up to it. We had to look at each other's eyes, and then we had to regulate our breathing. So which isn't something when you don't really think about it kind of start to happen. It is unstranger with a stranger. Exactly. It can be very uncomfortable because you're vulnerable. It's so intimate and so vulnerable. But. And we've been learning about bringing your. Your feminine energy because men actually the masculine. So you could even be a woman who's in your mess. So if you're gay couple, lesbian, there's a masculine energy and a feminine energy with sex, whoever takes that on, it's great. But for women, typically, the feminine brings the energy. Right. And the masculine brings sort of the. More of the stability in a sexual. In the sexual realm. So the man, he's supposed to regulate to my breath. So we're sitting there and we're looking each other's eyes and. And so my mind wants to control and be like, did he just breathe it? And he's like, no. I've got the. You know, we're not allowed to talk, but I'm just thinking, okay, he's gonna pick up my breathing. And then eventually, it didn't take very long. A few minutes, we're like, staring at each other and we're in each other's eyes and we start. The breath is going and we're looking and it does. And then he says, like, start bringing your energy. So I started just to, like. And it wasn't like. He was like, bring it. But it was like I started just to breathe into my pelvic floor. Like all this stuff moving up and down. And I felt like it was the most intimate experience I think I've even had with someone I did not know. And there. And. And it could have asked, like, I could see, like, this guy. Were you so sexy? I was aroused. Oh, cool. I was aroused. I was turned on, but it wasn't like I wanted to. I wasn't. I was present. You just.

I was present. Yeah.

Yeah. I didn't.

How did you. How did you pick partners? Was it based on, like, were you physically attracted to this person?

No. That's the thing. But here's the amazing thing, is that people who. I was not. I wasn't attracted really to anyone in that way. But we. You realize. And this is. I think the beauty of this work is that when you connect with someone on intimate level and you're really present with them, I find so many. I found them very attractive. I found them very. I wasn't looking at everything else. Does fall away.

Yeah.

And so you just kind of would move through partners. But there were couples that were there working and they did breakthrough, amazing work. And then there was, there was like this. Oh my God, this is my next level. Stuff I've been doing the last few years is kind of like on my own path because a lot of the stuff I've been doing on the show is, you know, I love, you know, giving advice and talking about very basic, you know, not basic but you know, the tips and stuff that people need to know about sex and relationships and.

Seeding the one on one.

Yeah, no, but I'm saying is that. Yes, but so much of it is that we are just. We are so disconnected from who we are from our bodies. We don't know what we want. We lose ourselves. We expect sex is an out of body experience where we're trying to please our partners. And so I've just been trying to get back into my feminine if you will.

So my only thing with that is I'd be open to that. But the whole time I literally would be worried about being like sexually assaulted. Yeah.

But people who are going to take this court. You're in a safe space.

Yeah. I don't know. But I don't trust. I think some people, I mean I know actually people in like the sex world who have taken like taken advantage of that position. So like how like yoga.

It happens. If you work at IBM, it happens.

I mean it happens.

So how do you like kind of like calm yourself down? I mean and it's like, it's.

And not be cautious because that's going to make you notice present. If you're like are you gonna fucking touch me Wearing.

Am I like you gotta pick your people. You gotta pick like I knew like I. You know this too. You probably know a lot of people in this sex intimacy space. And I haven't talked about. Note to listeners. I haven't really gotten into this retreat that much and I really would like to but I feel like we were in a safe space. Everybody there. You could just. We'd been there for five days. This wasn't the first day. Wasn't like sit down and wrap your legs around. So I kind of did that makes a difference.

You gotta buy.

But here's the thing. We learned this and there was a few guys that I would pair off with. We'd do another thing where the guy had to do not pair off in the room though. Or in a big room.

Sure.

And he had to do this thing where he was like without speaking. He had to summon me over to him. Like just not some. But like to show that I beckoned. Like would I Want to go sit on his lap. And I just felt like he. I got this, like, creepy vibe from him. I did, like, not creepy, but I was like, that's interesting. And then I had to tell. So I told him. I said, I'm feeling not connected. He's like, well, what? And then they kept pushing you, though. He said, well, what would I have to do to make you feel safe? Because a lot of times we don't feel safe. So that was another tool. We learned that if you're ever out with somebody and you feel like this could be going somewhere, but I'm not feeling so safe. I'm feeling like we had a connection. But he just went off the rails. He did something weird. He said, I'll come up to your apartment. You say to them, you know what I would need right now? To feel. To feel really safe. To feel. To feel comfortable with you. Do you know what would really make me feel comfortable? And of course they're going to say, like, yeah, like, what would you want? You're like, well, I feel like if you maybe took a deep breath or if you kind of step back or if you just sort of sat here for a minute and talked, you know, and you're just like, oh. And it kind of resets. That's the moment. So when this guy was doing that and saying, come over to me, I was like, I really don't feel like you are seeing me right now. Like, I feel like your eyes are flitting around, and I feel like you're kind of, like, not really present in this moment. So there's nothing that you're doing now that is, like, sexy and is making me to want to go sit in your lap. So we had to get really. Like, every man needs to have that.

Conversation, though, because I really. I was talking to my boyfriend, was really dwelling the air right now. He's like, is someone gonna come at me and say, I assaulted? I'm like, you don't have anything to worry about unless you assaulted somebody, Steven. Okay? So, like, don't make it like. But it's interesting because he's like, men don't know how to communicate, and they don't know what they're doing wrong, and they don't. And a lot of them are like.

That guy who was.

Who you fell out of it with the. Trying to summon across the room. He could have had the best of intentions and just truly didn't know.

He's there trying to learn. And I think of all the other.

Ways I wish every man could go through that.

This is the things that I've been going through thinking, oh my God, this is mind blowing work. Because when I start to think about what I do we do about the. What's happening in the world right now, and especially in the States with sexual harassment. And of course, we could talk about that forever. Yeah, for days. Because my brain, I'm up at night going like, I can't talk about anything. I feel like I need to figure this out. We all need to figure it out and solve this. And I'm like, well, what is it? Is it education? Like, you know, my friend's taking at work right now, he's like, we're having sexual harassment day. And he just sent me like a. Like a multiple choice quiz they're taking.

Like, is it a good quiz or a shitty quiz?

It's like, which one of they think is harassment? So I'm like, that's not gonna work. Like, I had to take that CBS radio, but. But it's really just. We men and women have not learned the right behaviors and how to. How to deal with each other. Like in the workplace, if it's not sexual, then what is the appropriate way?

Then what is it exactly?

I think masculinity. I think there's this great documentary on Netflix called the Mask. The Mask I live in.

Yeah, the Mask I live in.

And it was my friend, wife to God. Oh my God, that documentary. Heartbreaking interviews with little boys about. Then I can't act like a girl. I can't tell my, you know, tell people how I'm feeling. That'll make me seem weak or girly. And I'm like, oh, no. And I was at a. Weeks before I watched that, I was at a pool with my friend and this dad and his son were in the pool and he was about to jump. And the dad does. Come on, don't be a girl. Jump in the pool. I'm like, oh, no.

Right. Well, that's where it starts.

But I think feeling deserving of pussy, straight men, I think that's what. That's a big thing of. Even if they don't outright say, I don't feel like I deserve stuff, but they. A lot of the actions would say otherwise. And it makes sense given what you're taught to be as a man. What is a man? And then that's exactly.

It's so toxic. And then we're told, which is what we, you know, I think we talk about our shows. You guys talk about in your book a lot, which is such a good. I don't think we could say this enough that women are not put on this planet to serve men. We don't owe them anything. We don't have to give them a blow job. We're not giving them, you know, they don't, like, have to show us how to have an orgasm. It's like, we are responsible for our own sexuality, our own pleasure. And just that still, even, like I said, talking to my young friends, nieces, who think like, yeah, it is about. People are gonna like me more because I do this thing. Or it's like nude pics was. I think I was listening to your show and you were saying that there was a girl who said that she was getting dick pics and that she was saying guilty about felt guilty. Or like, I feel like she was very young.

Yeah, she was young.

And she's like, oh, I feel like TED Talk.

We said that. We read her thing. Yeah, like, oh, she was.

Yeah, yeah, it was your TED Talk. I watch your TED Talk. She was.

Was 14.

And she's like, well, what do I do? We feel like we owe because we're pleasers and we feel like, well, I should do this now. It's like, no, you don't. So this is the kind of unwinding, but it starts so young. So that's why I'm like, yeah, we could go to legislation at our senators, but it starts with behavioral stuff from such a young age. So it's like, how do we unravel everything that we've been taught?

And with the. With the environment right now, it's like, is okay. Is Louis CK a bad person? Because he did some really shitty things. Like, I. It's this war. It's this like, you're either great or you're peaceful of shit. And it's like, well, you can also be both, I think. I think you can be both. And one of the things that I've been so fascinated with, with the podcast is I've solicited emails from rapists on the podcast. I'm like, statistically, we hear about rape victims every goddamn day. There has to be somebody. And the latest one that I remember reading was this guy who said he was. He would see all these douchebag guys lie to women and play them, and they would get laid, and he would never get laid. And so when, by the time he turned 30, he cracked and we put ads on Craigslist and. And rape the women. And I was like, to me, I was like, well, the first problem here is you thought you deserved, right? Because he gets It. You deserve it. Like, that's not. It's just there's so.

I know there's so much.

There's so many layers.

There's so many layers. There's so much to do. So I. But I think that even just these. Talking about this is so important to let women.

I'm worried about.

I'm worried about men too. But I am really, I'm worried about, I don't know, just everyone I know.

You could be more worried about women. It's okay.

I guess I feel like I say.

It all the time.

Well, because men, feminine energy, we are ruling the world. We just. It's the repression of our.

But I always think too, like, with the whole masculinity stuff, I've been like having internal arguments in my head of like, I do worry more about women. But then it's like, well, men need a hug too or something. Something's up. Messed up with the way that they're approaching talking to women.

Right? Because I'm not angry. I'm really not angry at them because I feel like it's. I can just see. I can see where it's all gone wrong and how we have to rewind it. And so I just, I. I'm putting this. I don't know, maybe we can all band together. I keep like, I came in the other day. I'm like, you guys, I'm sorry. We have to do something. We need to do something now. I need to figure it out alone because this can't go on. And it's like not. It's a. It's a discussion. Like, yes, we start talking and someone runs for Senate. Not me. I've done too many drugs and stuff. Okay.

You guys, right. We've got emails. Okay. Thank you guys for, for staying here. This is really fun. Oh, yeah, of course. Thanks for having us. Okay, so you guys, thank you for emailing me on the show. If you have a question you want me to answer that's amazing. Text ask Emily all one word to 797-979. Or you can also. Oh, wait, when you do that, let me explain this. Ask Emily one word to 797979. What happens is you send that and then boop. You get a short form right back on your phone where you can enter your question and contact details. If you want me to call you and do. We're doing a future caller show. Just indicate yes on the form. And if you want to go to the website that's cool. To sex with emily.com via the Ask Emily Tab. As always, include your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Hi, Emily. I'm a 23 year old hot and confident female learning new sexual experiences here and there. I was in a long relationship and now that it's over, I'm proud to say I'm happier than ever. Am I setting my sexual standards for men too high by constantly masturbating and learning what feels good for myself? When the reality of a one time hookup to be that amazing is so low, I feel like I'm stuck on trying to find someone who satisfies me and I'm not enjoying sex as much. But I love to have fun with myself. What can I do to help myself and the future? Guys, I'm with a confused and horny fan, Christina, 23, Boston.

It was me, guys. No, I'm just kidding.

What'd you say? It's what?

It was me, Christina.

Exactly. Yeah. Here's the thing about Christina. First of all, you're doing everything that we would tell you to do. I love that you're figuring out your body, what makes you feel good. So many women. These are the messages that we're doing, trying to get across. So I love that you are figuring that out right now. And I don't think it's selfish. I don't think that your standards are too high. But I feel like, I mean, what do you guys think? She can go have sex with someone.

I have a thought.

Yeah.

I've had this weird thing where when we started doing the podcast, it got me better at communicating sexually. And one of the things that we came out of it was three ways. Stephen and I have had three, three ways since doing the podcast. I kind of accidentally said it on air. He edits it. So he's like, hey. And how we do it is. We had this app. Two of them were. We had this app called. It was called Thrinder Tinder for three ways. Now it's called field with two e's. And we. My comfort zones after we talked about it were, let's go and let's go out for drinks or go out for coffee first. We will not be going home altogether that night. 100% no. So that there's no pressure. Right. And so. But that gave me the opportunity to be like, okay, well, this is something that's sexual. Obviously we're both on this app and it's. We're not trying to be in a relationship with. We just want to have sex. And so I get to ask, like, what do you like, what turns you on? What makes you come? I wanted to meet with you because I like cuckolding and I kind of want to see my boyfriend and another woman fuck in front of me. I think that would be really exciting. Is that something you'd be interested in or. And I just.

It just.

I'm like, damn, that would have saved me a lot of bad sex if I had that conversation with my fuck buddies.

Right, Exactly. I can't believe. So you told. Right. And this is in your book too.

And I was thinking for my pussy, but exactly.

And that really worried about his judgment. You're like, that would be hot.

Because I'm like, we're all here on this app. Clearly want to have a pot. Possibly want to have a three way with each other. So let's do the interview thing.

So why not Christina on these dates, you're saying like, why not just do these one time hookups? It's a one night sale. Great.

Why not?

What's the better time to do. To do you.

You lose nothing. You're like, you're not. You're not. Yeah, you're. All you're doing is possibly communicating to have better sex.

I probably even knows the one night stand ahead of time. I guess I haven't had. I mean, when I'm traveling, maybe. I know, but I don't really like, I'm not pre med. I'm not for that Girls on a date going, well, what's this gonna be? Are you gonna be my future? Whatever. I'm just like, let's be present. I'm just. That's how my mind works. But I don't think that. I think a lot of men would, you know, find that attractive and don't go into it tripping that it's already something that it's not.

And if a guy doesn't find that attractive that you are into having good sex and want to talk about it first, then maybe that's not the guy.

You want to fuck. Exactly.

Well, I think also sometimes women can maybe think that it's a one night stand just because of the fact that they are having sex sex like so quickly. And so they can talk themselves out of any future relationship because they're like, well, I had sex day one and I didn't really get to know this person.

Right.

I mean, yeah, I mean I don't. I don't live that way. So it doesn't personally bother me.

No, but doesn't it bother. Well, of course I'm saying it bothers me that there's this whole notion of, yeah, if we have sex on the first date, then that means that we're not gonna be. What is it doesn't stop with your.

Imaginary rules for yourself rules.

There are no. There's no sex police. There's no sex. Like, they're not like, oh, you had sex on the first date. There should be questions like, sex positive police. There should be like, hello, yes. Do you keep going? I just don't get it. Okay, so the second one, we'll ask another question. So, yeah, I think that. Well, in sum, Christina, you're not enjoying sex as much because you're so in your head and so because she's saying she's not enjoying sex with these one night stands. So I feel like these one night hookups can be what you want them to be. I mean, you'll learn right away if they're not. But just bring all of you to them. All the great work you've been doing. Masturbating, you get an A plus on that. Bring it into these situations, you'll be surprised. Hey, Emily, I love your work. You inspire me. Anyways, I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half, long distance. And we only see each other every other month or two. When I do see him, I want to be attached to his penis because I miss sex with him that much. Problem is, my sex drive is way higher than his. And while he insists that I really turn him on, he only wants to have sex a couple times a visit. Really only showing affection when he's actually inside me. I miss all the hot and heavy foreplay that makes sex so hot. And I don't mean just making out. I also wish he had said sexy things during the day. Sent hot texts, grabbed my ass, basically. Any signs of sexual interest? I've asked him, but he acts like it's a hassle. I love my boyfriend and it's the best sex I've ever had. But great sex takes effort on both sides and he's not pulling his weight. Is there a way I can gently help him? See I need more from him. I feel like we're doomed to have the same vaginal intercourse for 10 minutes before just going. We go to bed every single time suggesting new things has become exhausting because he never picks up on what I'm putting down. For now, I'm stuck having sex on his terms because it's the only sex I can get. Please help. Aaron, 20, Maryland. I'm very excited she ever had.

Well, she's 20. Oh, yeah.

Okay, so this Is what I'm saying. Is that why here it's a lot from young women, like, this is the best relationship I've ever had. But you're 20 and you can't tell everyone, well, you're 20 or 18, which is like, you want to do a lot of things because when you're 18 you're like, no, but I'm really in love and I'm going to marry this person and it's the best sex I ever had. So, I mean, I get it. Your sex drives are not going to match up at this young age. And I think that changing doesn't sound, it's not good, right?

Doesn't sound sexually like a bad one.

No, no, it's not the best experience.

You've already had the conversation.

And also, like you, I mean, just when you're that young, I don't think you're emotionally mature enough to handle, handle the complexities of a long distance relationship where you're only seeing someone like once a month. That's a really, really challenging thing even for adults who are really comfortable with themselves. I can't imagine trying to navigate that at age 20.

Exactly.

There's too much change going on. There's too much finding out who you are and then, but then. So I feel like you're probably kind of like freezing yourself because you're constantly waiting for this other person instead of just consistently developing.

Yeah, it's true. I know. I, I believe that long term relationships should only, you should only pursue them if you eventually have plans to be living in the same city. Like give a timeline. It could be happen in three months, six months, nine months. Right. And also you're very young, you are 20 years old and that you're already having all these sexual complications. Like I thought I didn't get to the bottom of it. Like, how old is she? She's 20. It's like, it just already sounds really, really complicated. And you could actually be with someone right now who's in the same city and you can work on these things. And I do believe though, for anyone listening, because this is a very common conundrum, that you're like, how do I get my partner to do what I want? And I've already asked him for and he didn't hear it. Well, when we're asking our partners for things sexually, the thing is, is that it's a whole new behavior. So if someone just says once, like, I really, you know, I really wish you would go down on me more. Let's say we hear that a lot Just hearing that your eyes like, oh, yeah, I get it. You want moral sex. I'll get on that. And then the next time having sex, they might not remember. They're not really sure. Like, I did it for a minute. What does that mean? And I don't think that we often have enough information about changing behavior or what that even means. So maybe the partner's not going down on you, for example, because they think you don't like it. They don't know what. There's just so many layers to it. But when we think we've set told someone something, once we get Matt, we're like, oh, I've told them once that I want this. It doesn't work. That these conversations around sex need to be much more expansive and detailed. And so you can't write off a person or a partner because you had that, you know, once or twice, then it's done. Like, this is. These are the kind of things where you have to figure out how you both learn because it's learning new behaviors, how you both listen. And so just because we think we told our partner something a million times, we probably haven't. They probably didn't hear it. Right.

There's a lot of layers also, too.

I like, like with the going down on and I, I always say when I have, when I talk with Stephen, like, I would say, I love when you go down on me.

Right.

I really. It's like my favorite thing in the world. Like if that's what I wanted to communicate.

Right.

And then that. And then that's what he tells me too. And then I respond to that because I'm like, oh, okay, I'm gonna do that because I want to please him, you know?

Exactly. So always pleasing. Always saying like, exactly the compliment. I love. God, that felt great. I love when you came in and you like went down to me. You made you that when you were kissing my neck earlier. I don't know what you're doing. That was amazing.

Yeah, yeah.

Reinforce. We love that. Okay, guys, this was fun. Thank you. You're awesome. Thank you for being here.

Corinne Fisher.

Christina Hutchinson. Guys, we is their awesome podcast, the anti slut shaming podcast. And being sexually exploitative and self confident in a world that's screwed. Everyone check out their book, check out their podcast, your social media. We said shout out again to it.

Sry about last NYT on Twitter. Sorry about last night. Everything else. I'm Christina Hutch.

I'm a philanthropy gal on everything.

Yeah, thank you so much. Congratulations and all the work you're doing helping people. It's amazing and you guys are hilarious too. Their podcast is super fun. Thank you for being here. Thank you everyone for listening. Thanks to my amazing team. Thanks to Ken and Jamie, intern Shannon and Jenny, producer Lark and Mike Michael. I love you all and thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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