Emily's Life in the Single Lane and Your Calls

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them.

In a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, it feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can do so many things. There we make it so easy for you. Now you can just go to sexwithemily.com and subscribe to the newsletter, social media. Most importantly, subscribe to the podcast that makes us so happy, makes our life easier, helps keep the show free. We love that. And also, while you're at Sex with Emily, you know, we do update the show every day, update the content. We've got new posts, new blogs, everything there to help you have better sex and relationships. Cause you know, that's why you're listening to the show, right? And again, about the social media thing, we like that too. I love hearing from you and I love when you follow us. Cause then I can easily respond to you. It's Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, all visit.

What I meant by that was like, I like reading your comments. Like, it makes me happy. Like on Instagram, when you're like, hey, Emily, like the show, or I listened. I love getting your feedback that way as well. And I'm responding to you there. So that's what I meant by all that. Okay, so this is a little bit of a new format. I figured this is actually my 11th anniversary of the show is like today or something, because I realized, you know how Facebook has that on this day thing, which I actually love, because they're like, on this day, like seven years ago, and you're like, wow, that's been seven years or one year. So on this day, 11 year a year ago, I celebrated my 10 year anniversary of Sex Family at the Hollywood Improv. And so that would make this my 11th anniversary. So, wow. Thanks everyone for and Facebook reminded me that. So thank you, Facebook, and thanks to everybody for just supporting the show. I'm so glad that I can keep doing this and keep the lights on, pay the rent. That's awesome. So this is kind of a new format. I think we did it like once before. But what I'm doing now is I am taking your calls. So, you know, you always email me. I love it, love getting your questions. You can easily send me your questions on the website now. You just go to the Ask Emily tab and then you can send it directly to the website. But now there's a way that you can say there, yes, I'd love to be called. So what you do is you check that box if you're interested in being called and then Eddie, my awesome assistant producer, will set up a time and we'll call you. So that's what we're doing on today's show. The other different thing is I don't have a co host. So typically I have someone here that I'm going, hey, Menace Anderson, everyone. Madison, what's up? So I'm just talking to you. So that's what we're doing. And I'm excited about this, but it's new, so hang with me here. Okay, so what I wanted to do is before we get into the calls, I wanted to give you a little update on my personal life and some stuff. You know, we're coming to the end of the year and I've been doing a lot of reflection. It's been a really interesting year for me because.

I've taken my own advice. Oftentimes they say that you teach what you need to learn. And I think that's true in a lot of ways, especially for what I do. I think for every career. But for now, I've really been able to see this in my own life because I've known for a long time and I've talked to you about this, that when you get out of a relationship, it's really important to take time for yourself and to not jump back into another relationship and figure out, like, what did I learn in that relationship? Like, what, what was useful? What do I want in the next relationship if I want one at all? And just like, it's so easy. Like, okay, so what I've done in the past, so where I wasn't following. My advice is I think I've always just gone from one relationship the next. Granted, there's been some periods in between where I've taken, like, a month here or a few weeks there. But, like, there always just seemed to be someone else there. Kind of, yeah, I'll date him. Some kind of lurking or someone new that I meet. Because it's really. Being alone is just a really interesting thing. It's like, you really get to learn a lot about yourself and go through those. You know, you learn those really hard lessons. And I think I don't. I don't think I went as deep and took as much time. And so I took a break from dating. I ended a relationship in, like, February. So now it's November or December. Jesus. So how many months is that? Like 10 months. And I took the reset. I, like, took a reset in my life, in my relationships, like I'm always telling you to do. And it did a lot for me psychologically, because I realized, like, I was not distracted by, like, the hunt. I wasn't distracted by, like, you know, the newness and the excitement of a new relationship.

And I just really got time to, like, kind of, you know, focus on work, focus on my relationships with my friends, and really think about what I want in a new relationship, if I do want a new relationship. And it was hard, too, because I realized that that part of your life, when you're in a relationship, it's like.

It fulfills you in so many ways. So I think always being in a relationship, I've always got, like, a guy there that just kind of like, hey, come over and watch Netflix. You know, let's hang out. It's. It's sort of like when you look at the Wheel of Life, there's like, those eight sections they say you should focus on, like, health, spirituality, business, friends, romance. I don't know. Did I say 8? Nutrition, whatever. There's like this. The wheel. I've always talked about the wheel, but when you take out a whole chunk of it, which is like romance, you realize that your brain is kind of still circling, like, oh, I should be picking up the phone now and texting with a guy. Or I should be, you know, with a woman. If you're dating a woman, I should be distracting myself with this. Well, I didn't have that space to fill. And so it was interesting noticing, like, how much time in the past I might have spent, you know, looking for a guy or looking for that validation or having someone to hang out with. So, like, I definitely noticed the absence of that. And I. I did feel a little bit, like, lonely at times. And I don't think I've ever felt truly lonely because, yes, I have friends and I have a life, but when you don't have that space filled, it's just, you know, I think I went to some places that I'd never been before. You know, it was interesting. So when I said, like, I felt lonely, I had, like, a family friend say to me a few years ago, many years ago, probably like, in my, I don't know, my 20s, he said to me, you know, it's really important to feel lonely. Like, you've never been lonely. And I thought that was such a foreign concept, but I always kept it in the back of my head. I'm like, why would I want to be lonely? And I thought, God, it really was good for me to, like, spend that time getting to, like, know myself and think I actually do want a relationship now. And then think about what I would want the constructs of that relationship to be. Because in the past, I felt like guys just kind of fell on my lap or I would just meet someone and they weren't necessarily right for me, and it filled a space. And so going through the time of thinking, like, oh, I'm actually would like to have fill my space with, like, a man in this way, or even friends, because I also went through that period of, like, isolating, not really wanting to see anybody and not because I was necessarily depressed, but, like, I was kind of figuring out my, like, nesting and doing things around my house and just things I wouldn't have done in the past. So I'm glad for me, it's been like, eight months and now, oh, my God. That I'm going to fill you in on the next show about my crazy dating I've been doing now and all these apps, because now I'm diving into it. I think I've started to tell you a little bit, but I just wanted to share with you that, that. That if you are going through that period, this time is precious. Like, it's a good time to look back at what you learned from your past relationship once you get over the anger or hurt or however it ended. I think a lot of us spend time blaming our partners, and we don't look at, like, oh, he was a jerk, or she was a total bitch, and we get angry. But then, like, you know, it takes two to Tago. There's. There's two people in a. And, you know, we bring ourselves to every relationship So I kind of look like, what was I doing in that relationship and what wasn't I asking for? And what do I want? And I don't. You know, for you, you might say, like, how long will. Should it take? I can't tell you that. Like, for me, like, eight months. For you, it might be two weeks, might be two years. Don't put pressure on yourself around this. Like, really take the time to do that work and think about, like, again, what was your part in it? What might you want going forward? It doesn't mean the next person's going to be perfect either.

But.

But a lot of you email me about patterns. You're like, God, I keep dating the bad boy, or I keep dating women who aren't into me or whatever it is. And the only way to stop yourself from going into those patterns and repeating it is just again to take that time and say, like, I'm gonna, like, instead of going left here, this is comfortable. I'm gonna, like, swerve, right? I'm gonna. I'm not gonna go keep doing a direction that feels right, that feels comfortable, but I'm actually gonna start looking for something different here. So this is how you, like, break patterns and remember some of the hardest work and so the hardest growth we do is in a relationship, but also out of a relationship. And you can learn a lot from past relationships and how to do it right. If you take the time and it's okay to be sad, it's okay to go on a dating detox. And we're gonna go through this euphoric recall. I did that. I was like, oh, my God, did I make a mistake? He was so great, truly. Like, I don't know why that is. When you get out of a relationship with somebody, like, all you can remember is the good things. Like, so what I do and what I always advise people to do, my friend is going through this right now. I said, write down, like, write down the things about him that you could, okay, do a pro and con. You won't remember that, like, he forgot your birthday or that he said he was gonna do something and fix this thing in your house that he didn't do, or he was going to take you on a vacation. You don't remember those things. You're just like, he was so good in bed. I loved watching the Affair with him. You guys watching the Affair? It's an amazing television show. I'm obsessed with it. So now, like, I want to watch season two, and I'm not dating him anymore. But, like, that's okay. Like, I'm going to watch it by myself, you know, and so just don't try not to go down a path of, like, self destruction. I didn't do that. Like, I know, like, you just, maybe just go sleeping with everybody. You might do it for a while, drink a lot, party a lot. Maybe I was a little bit. I wouldn't sleep around a lot, but I was kind of not necessarily sleeping as much as I should and all that. So just know, like, it's tempted to fall in those behaviors and just like, do it in moderation. Try to make healthy choices. Like, I've definitely been back into yoga. I've been meditating every day. You might want to be, like, bashing your ex or saying bad things about him, but doing all this revengeful stuff and stock him on Instagram. I didn't say anything bad. I did check his Instagram. I did go on Facebook. I remember producer Madison was like, picked up my phone when she's like, oh, look who you're looking at. You know, like, I went through all that. But I'm just saying that it's just been an interesting time that I did this and I'm going to be sharing with you more about it. But just remember, going through breakup, there is no don't come at also from the scarcity mentality that, like, you're going to be running out of time and there's going to be no one else out there because you're going to be a better person, a better you, a better person to date when you truly go inward and look at yourself and look at what you want. So that's what I wanted to share with all of you about where I'm at right now. And that leads me to the sex of the news, because I think this is apropos. I was going to do another sex in the news today, but this one seemed very relevant because not only because my mother emailed it to me and our longtime listener Greg, who, like, emails me every sex in the news story, but also it struck a chord with me. So.

Everyone hold on to your seats here. Shaving pubic hair is related to STIs, a study says. So you may want to keep some grass on the field. If you like things down below as smooth as a baby's bottom, you might want to rethink things. So there was a study done at the UC San Francisco University of California, San Francisco, and it reports that people who regularly groom their pubic hair are 75% more likely to develop an STI than non groomers. So the survey says. That survey says in this the Journal of Sexually Transmitted Infections asked people age 18 to 65 about their grooming habits. And it said that the act of shaving creates epidermal micro tears that might allow transmission of bacteria or viruses like hpv. So, yeah, it kind of sucks. But also, as you might be thinking as well, people who are grooming are probably having more sex. So those who might also be more likely to get an sti. So but this is not bad news for committed groomers because according to the study, removing pubic hair does eliminate certain other sexually transmitted problems like lice. So there you go. You're not going to get lice. You might get an sti. So as always, just use condoms. All right, let's take a quick break. We'll give a shout out to our sponsors. Thank you so much for supporting our sponsors. They help keep the show free. And you know, I never ever talk about a product that I haven't tried and that I don't love. And then we'll come back and we'll be taking your calls. So excited. Thanks for listening.

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Hey, Grace, it's Emily. Thanks for calling the show. Hi. Hi. So I got a little bit of information here about. Tell me what's going on though.

So I'm a full, full time student and I work full time, so I really don't have time for like a relationship or anything. But I definitely sleep around. I'm not gonna give up my sex ever. I'm just worried, like, I don't want that to affect me later on in life when I do try to find a long term committed relationship.

How do you think it could affect you?

I don't know, like, would they be okay with it or, you know, would they want me? They're like, oh, you know, everyone's had her.

Oh, God. Okay, good. Grace. GR I'm so. This is such a good conversation. Okay, first of all, why do they even have to know who you've slept with and what you've done to me? That is a conversation that never needs to happen in any relationship unless you have an std. But even then, they don't need to know who you had it from or how many people you slept with.

That's true.

Yeah. Like, so. So this conversation of like, how many have you slept with? Or let me know about your partners. They will ask you. You don't have to tell them. In fact, I think you're doing absolutely the right thing right now, Grace, because in your 20s, like, this is the time that you're supposed to be having casual sex, figuring out your body, what kind of guys you want to date, who you're into. But I also understand societal norms tell you that, like, they're going to ask. I'm going to have to tell them my numbers. You know, I've slept with 16 people, so is that kind of what you're worried about?

Yeah, exactly. And I sleep with guys all the time that I'm like, man, you know, I could really find myself settling down with them, but, you know, I've already gave up the goods, so what's the point now, you know?

So wait, what do you mean? So right now you're dating guys, and then you're like, on date three, you're like, he won't settle. Or the first date. Tell me how. How it's. How are you meeting these guys?

So, like. Well, you know, right now I'm sleeping with someone that I've actually known since high school, and we just kind of hooked up, and I thought that, you know, it was going to go somewhere. I thought we were going to be serious or whatever, and we slept together, and then it's just, like, heard nothing. That's like radio silence. It's just, like, nothing there. And I'm like, okay, now, it.

That happens for so many different reasons that you don't like. Okay, so as women, and I think guys do it for different reasons. We're like, oh, my God, I was bad in bed, or he thinks I'm a slut, or he just wanted to sleep with me, and now he moved on. We. Or, you know, we could spend a million different ways obsessing about it, but you know what? Forget him. Move on. He's gone. That's fine. I'm glad he, you know, he didn't call. It doesn't even matter why it probably. I'm sure it has nothing to do with you. So that's good you found out right away. You don't have to get into a relationship with this guy. So now, how are the other guys you're dating?

I have.

I don't. I don't know. Is it dating, though? Like. Because, I mean, it's not really dating. We're just casual sex. And I like, that's it. And we just kind of lay the line, like, hey, we're just sleeping together.

And so you had Like a rotation.

Yeah.

Okay, good. I mean. Okay. So here's my thing, Grace. Is that. Is that I think that this is a great time for you to practice, like, dating, seeing who you're into. I was just talking about this, about how I've taken time to. I wish I took more time. I always was, like, a serial monogamist growing up, and I was always dating one. In my 20s, I dated, like, two years. Two years. Two years. And I didn't take a lot of time to, like, figure it out. And so I think it's great that you're, like, casually dating probably. Like, this is also a great time to figure out sexually, like, how's the sex with the casual. You know, how's your casual sex life?

It's great because if I don't like it, then I'm just on to the next one, you know?

Yep, exactly. And another great thing about this casual sex is that, like, it's a great time to practice communicating about what you like in bed and what you don't like in bed, especially if you're not invested in them. You can be like, you know what? A little to the left there. I'm getting on top of you right now. Or wait, don't get back up. Keep going down on me. I didn't have my orgasm yet. You know what I'm saying? Because, like, learning how to communicate about sex is, like, a really challenge if you've been listening to the show. Not always the easiest skill for people to learn.

Yes.

So these guys could be like your litmus test, you know, these could be your practice.

But see, I think I just needed someone to tell me, like, hey, you're fine.

You're good.

Oh, Grace, you are so good. You actually more than fine. I am so glad you're doing this. And just remember that if anyone asks you how many of you slept with, you could say, you know what? I'm just really focused on the sex we're having right now, which is awesome. And let's just keep. Let's just keep doing us, you know, like, you never need to reveal that information. So you're doing great. Have fun.

Thank you.

Thank you, Grace. So good to hear from you. Thanks for calling in. Okay, so next we have Jeremy. He's 27, calling him Philadelphia, and he has a very specific wrestling fantasy considering about its meeting. Hey. Dare me.

Hi, Emily, how are you?

I'm good. So good to talk to you.

Great to talk to you finally. Big fan.

Yeah. Thank you. So, dear me, Talk to me about this wrestling fantasy. Tell Me. What's up?

Well, I'm 27. I guess I've had it since about middle school. And to be honest, every fantasy I had, you know, growing up, middle school, high school, even in college, I wouldn't think about what, like sex. My fantasies would just be play wrestling and me lifting them and carrying them to the point that even a girlfriend in college, we didn't really have sex, we just did the. We just play wrestled. And that was sexually satisfying for me. And as I've gotten older and do have sexual experience now, I still, a lot of the experience still comes around wrestling and play wrestling and me lifting them up. And still my fantasies may end with sex, but they are based around play wrestling and lift and carry. And I used to be embarrassed by it. I'm not embarrassed anymore, but still kind of feel alone. And I know there's a community out there, but I don't really hear a lot about it. So don't know if that's strange or.

No, it's. No, I'm not going to tell you it's strange at all. I'm not going to. I just want to understand a little bit more about this. So is it like. Okay, so whenever you like have a fantasy, like let's say you're masturbating or just thinking about sex, are you like in your brain thinking about you're with a woman and you're wrestling her to the ground and then you.

Yes.

Okay.

Not, not like a serious, not like intense, like serious like wrestling, but play wrestling. And I do something, I guess for the past four and a half years, like I meet with session wrestlers when they come into Philly and I've paid to have wrestling sessions with them.

Women.

Yes.

Okay, so you paid at wrestling sessions. Do they, do they end in sex?

Only once is. And that was, that was spontaneous.

Okay.

Yeah, it happens only one time.

Nothing wrong with that. Okay, so has this become so. Okay, so you're saying. So even when you're just your fantasize, it's just, it's always like break down the fantasy. For me, what happens?

A lot of times it's, you know, girls who I even know from the past who I have had sex with or girls I know. And it's just.

We'Re intimate. We might either be, you know, hanging out, watching Netflix or in the bedroom, it is us play wrestling and me lifting them up and doing different lifts and putting them down gently. Of course, nothing, you know, hurt, but putting them down and just getting in different holds. And now as I've had sexual experience. It may end in sex or blow job or going down, you know, but it still revolves around that. And if I masturbate, it revolves around me watching a wrestling video on YouTube.

Or on Pornhub and not even like a. Not even like a porn wrestling. What about. Yeah, what. What about a poor. Is there porn? Is there, like a genre of por.

There are. There are those. There are like. I guess they're called sex fights. Like mixed wrestling sex fights where, you know, the woman's dominant, she may get a guy in certain holds and.

Oh, yeah, then kink.com, they have this. That's true. I see this.

Right? She can jerk the guy off. So I will watch those sometimes. A lot of times it's.

But it's full on. Okay, I get it. Okay. So. So, Derek, are you. What about with these women? Are you, like. Is there foreplay? Are you, like, making out and doing normal, like the normal thing, and then all of a sudden you kind of break into wrestling and they're cool with that?

Or is this with women, like, paid.

Like, when you're on a date or if you're. Are you dating and have you had a girlfriend?

Not in a long time with these women who I guess I've hooked up with.

One. She. She did ask me about it. Like, she asked me, like, a crazy sexual experience, and I didn't really have any, so I told her about this, and that turned her on. And we were at a bar by her house, and she said, well, I want to try it. And we tried it, which was cool. And then it led to sex. Others, they don't know about it, but I guess it's just that flirtatious. You know, you play wrestling back and forth, and it just. It leads to it, you know?

Okay, so what you're saying is as long, even if it's just a few minutes of, like, rolling around on the ground, then can you get into, like, regular foreplay? Like, do you go down on them? They give you a blow job, you have regular intercourse? Does that happen?

Yes.

Yeah, it has happened. But I'm also. Which I guess sometimes, like, certain friends may look at me, I'm satisfied. If it didn't happen, if it stopped right there, I feel satisfied. But I mean, with girls who, like, we have that relationship of friends with benefits, it will lead to that. But I've had it, you know, in high school, college, where we just play wrestled.

And you know when you say you're satisfied.

Dorm room.

Right. But are you satisfied? Like, you're. You're Having an orgasm?

Yeah, I guess it's a little bit of.

I know.

I. I'm reflecting. Yeah. I've come a little bit and I guess a little. But I just feel like. Like a surge of testosterone. I feel, like, good. Like I'm not sitting there, like, with blue balls, like, oh, man.

Right.

I'm fine.

I'm wondering. Okay. So when. When did you start wrestling?

How old were you.

Wrestling sessions? I was 23.

That's when you first started wrestling? Like, before that, you didn't have the fantasies?

So I had my first fantasies. I was 11.

Sorry. So during very formative years as a young boy, you started wrestling. That was like your life, right? That was your everything? It sounds like.

Yes. Yes. As far as the fantasies, yes.

Okay. But even, like, you were really into, like, wrestling was kind of your. I mean, it sounds like you still are involved. I'm just wondering if there was something kind of connection that you made. Because a lot of times fetishes are connected to things that happen in early childhood. Childhood that, you know, turn us on. Like a guy who was, like, a foot fetish, like, his teacher in school might have had, like, really sexy feet or something. Or he might only be able to be with women with red hair because he had a crush on his neighbor who had red hair. So I'm wondering if something happened with you like some wire, you know, something happened at this age that you got stuck on wrestling as being the only, you know, way to like. Or maybe it seemed some kind of like the purest form of it. Or if there's something with intimacy that it's like there's something holding you back around intimacy with sex that it sort of seems more playful just to wrestle, literally wrestle to the ground and not actually have the sex. You know what I'm saying? Like, if it feels safer to you, but sex is actually kind of scary to you. So you're using the wrestling and the playfulness as kind of a way to connect with women, but you're not actually having to be truly intimate.

That's a great point, because I do feel. Know I have a fear of, like, getting the signals wrong. And you think, like, oh, they. Oh, girl wants to do something. And you go in and they go, no, no. And you get it wrong. So I think with play wrestling, it's safe and right. You're still feeling that touch of a woman, but, you know, no one's feeling offended or you're not pushing the boundaries too much. And if it happens.

Okay, well, Jeremy, let me tell you this. I'M so glad. Listen, you're like most. Okay, so you're like every man on the planet, but you've just found a coping mechanism that's kind of a little different. Okay, so what you haven't done yet is you haven't gone through that period of, like, oh, I might mess up. I'm not gonna do the wrestling thing. I'm not gonna try to kiss her. She might reject me. Or I might try to, like, do something that isn't totally right and buy the book. And you're gonna put yourself out there and you're gonna live with that terrible fear and anxiety that she might reject you and something bad might happen. And try that. Cause that's. I think that you've again, used this as a coping medicine, but haven't had to. It's kind of maybe, in a way, stunted your ability to connect with women because you're. Because of the wrestling. Because of, like, that's like, a safe way to go about it.

Okay, so, like, do you think I should, when it comes to either being with a woman or fantasies, try to try to put that away, kind of.

No, I do not. I'm not going to tell you to stop. I don't think that you're unhealthy. I don't think that wrestling is bad. I think you can fantasize about it. Again, I'm telling you, like, this is. I love that you're calling me and that you're really honest and open about it, but I think what I'm hearing is that you'd probably like to have a relationship, just try it out with a woman that goes a little bit deeper, where you're actually having sex in a way that's more expansive, where maybe you're understanding her body, she's understanding your body beyond the wrestling.

And so maybe, like, I'm okay with you, but maybe you could mix in something else. Like, maybe next time you go to masturbate. How often do you masturbate?

Daily.

Okay, cool. So the good news is maybe next time you master it, you're like, you know what? This one today, I'm going to try to, like, watch some other kind of porn. Or I'm going to start with wrestling, but I'm going to move to something else and just try to start to mix in some other, you know, some other fantasies in your mind. Like, I don't think that you have to. To tell you to stop is, like, ridiculous, because you're not going to stop after all this time. And there's nothing wrong and then also when you're with a woman, it's kind of like the next time. Do you have any dates set up or anyone? Friends with benefits coming around this week?

I think I might have something brewing. I'm not sure yet, but I think that's also why I'm a little nervous about it.

Right, Right. And there's nothing wrong. Like, I think it's hot dating a guy, and he picks me up, he twirls me. Like, I think that's really sexy. But it's kind of like getting to the point of you not relying on that as your fallback go to move, but kind of developing some of these other skills of, like, I might be wrong. You know, I'm gonna kiss her and see what happens and just kind of really paying attention. Another thing you do is, like, you're really in your head with this wrestling thing. Is that. Just go back to the moment, like, when you're present with her, whoever it is, and you're looking in her eyes and you're paying attention to her feedback and is she breathing? Is she looking at you, like, with those eyes that she wants you? Is she touching you? All the information you need is right there in the moment. Sometimes you might read it wrong and she might read it wrong, but that's how we learn. You're not a bad guy. You don't do anything wrong. But I think that you'll feel good if you start to just have a range here and you'll start to feel healthier about your relationships.

So I just feel, you know, whether it's a friend with benefit or I'm dating, you know, I think I feel like occasionally to do that. Okay. But I don't think every time, even that partner, like, they would want to do that.

Exactly. That's the thing. You never want anything all the time. Like, exactly. Because then it gets boring. It's like if we had pizza every night for dinner. Right. You get. Sex is about mixing it up. So that's why I think you need to. Some other tools in your toolbox. You might find someone who always, you know, wants that, but it's just again, for your own. For your own, like, satisfaction and for the person you're with. Maybe let them even take the lead or something when you start making out with them and. And see where it goes, you know? But just, like, just experiment with this and don't be hard on yourself if you try and fall back on the wrestling. Like, just remember that, like, you're not gonna be able to change this with Maybe like one or two times with someone, but just be thinking about other things. And if you've been listening to the show, you know, we give out tips all the time, or the website, start reading. You know, education, you know, is, is, and practice is how you're going to get the knowledge and how you're going to start feeling better about it. So how you have the experience and start feeling more confident. So just start arming yourself for something by listening the podcast, reading, having another thing in your toolkit, and you'll be definitely. Okay. Keep us posted.

All right. Thank you so much.

Sure. Good luck, Jeremy. Thanks.

Okay, our next caller is Stephanie, 26, from California, and she wants to know how to give a partner more positive feedback. So the best way to communicate to her partner that she's enjoying what he's doing in bed. Cause he doesn't seem to have a clue about it. Hey, Stephanie.

Hi.

Hi. You're on one of our first call shows, so thank you for participating. So fun.

Oh, awesome. I'm so excited that you decided to have me.

Yes. I'm so glad. So, Steffi, tell me a little bit what's going on. I know you wrote an email. I didn't see the entire email. I really want to get the entire. I want to get the story from you. So tell me what's going on.

So, basically, I've been with my boyfriend for three years now. We've been living together for about a year and a half, and we have a pretty regular sex life. It's always been pretty healthy. I feel like, like three to four times a week. I never, ever have had this issue until recently. We were just kind of talking about the night before, and I was like, you know, babe, that was really hot. I was, like, super turned on. Well, I wouldn't have known. And just literally came out super blunt like that. And I was like, oh, what do you mean? I was like, what are you talking about? It was like, super sexy and whatever. And he just like, I feel like sometimes I never know because you don't really tell me. And I. It's always been kind of like a joke because of how loud and vocal I am during sex. And not that he's ever had a problem with it, but it's just been like the running joke kind of between us over the years anyway. I just didn't really understand where that was coming from from him. And then I felt, I mean, kind of stupid because I'm like, oh, am I doing something he doesn't like what I'm doing? When I'm getting turned on with the noises I make or the things that I say. And I also don't want him to feel like he isn't pleasing me because that's not the case at all. So I just don't really know how to get that across to him without making it weird and trying to attack him or anything.

Okay, so this is a good question. So right now you actually are vocal and when. And you're making a lot of noises, and when you're vocal, are you just, like, moaning? Like, baby, are you saying, like, I'm like, moaning?

Yeah. And I'm like, saying things like, oh, you know, I love it when your dick is hard and wet. Oh, my God.

Or.

Or he'll talk to me too. He talks too.

He likes it.

Okay.

I mean, and then even like, not every single time, but I often do tell him that I'm about to come. So that also was weird. I don't know if maybe he's a. Expecting more of like some like, theatrical thing when I am. I have no idea.

So when you're about to come, is it quieter then? Like, you don't make as much noise or.

No, no, I. I feel like.

Well, I feel like I'm. I'm louder. Like I, like, really, like, let loose. I have nothing to hold back about, and I want him to know that he's making me feel amazing.

Right.

But he seems to. Sometimes we are a little more quieter when it's more on, like, the making love side, not like we're just like, fucking hardcore.

Right? Right.

So I don't know.

Okay, so. So is there, do you think, do you know anything about his past relationships?

A little bit.

Yes, I do.

Did he ever have someone cheat on him, leave him, something bad happen? Yes. Okay.

Yes, he has been cheated on. His most recent relationship before me was only about what's long, a year and a half. And she had cheated on him. And then he also. This was obviously a long time ago, but in high school, a girlfriend cheated on him as well with one of his best friends.

Okay, so. And has he ever shown any jealousy with you? Has he ever shown anything. Come up with, like, oh, you're flirting with that guy at work or anything come up with that with you guys?

Yeah, kind of. Like, like, because I work with a lot of guys in, like, an office setting and I have to kind of dress professional. And he's like, well, I'm sure the guys love that skirt today. Or we'll say something like that kind of sometime.

Okay, so it sounds like There's a lot of things. Okay, so what I'm hearing here is that it's. I don't know, I don't think it's. That you're not saying anything. I think he's got some deep rooted insecurities that you probably can't win right now with doing what you're doing. Okay. Cause to me, I'm like, wow, you're telling you about to come, you're moaning, you're into sex. You're not pushing him away.

I really am.

I know.

Any issues talking about it. So, yeah.

So I think you got to say to him, babe, the other night, it was interesting. I've been thinking a lot about it, what you said to me. Tell me what you think of this, Stephanie. If you think. Think this might work and say, yeah, I've been thinking a lot about it. And, like, I really thought that I was by. By moaning and telling you, you know? But we've been together now for three years, so I'm curious, like, what? I just want to know, like, what would that look like to you if you had the right information? Like, tell me, what kind of things do you happen to know? Like, what I'm not telling you or what make you feel like you are doing a good job? Like, did you ask them that already?

No, I have not.

But I will, because I think you're like, babe, I really. Cause, God, it made me so. Because all I think about is God. Even when I masturbate, I masturbate to you. You know what I mean? Like, play physique. Like, you're the only one I want, and it's the best sex I ever had, and I let you know when it comes. So I'm just actually kind of confused because, gosh, I never want you for a minute to go to bed thinking that you did not please me and rock my world. So do you happen to know, you know, maybe. Who knows? Maybe he's watching some kind of porn or who knows? In the past something happened. So, you know, you're not a mind reader. And so I think you just gotta have a conversation with him and say, babe, like, what else can I do here? Like, what would be hot for you? Because, God, I'd love to. Because maybe also it's been three years and so maybe you're always saying, babe, your dicks are hard and I'm gonna come. And maybe it's just variety, like I always say. Like, maybe he needs to hear something new and different. And maybe you do, too. So you guys watch some porn together? You listen to my show or. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So I just think you got to mix it up. I don't think this is really a problem. I think it's a communication thing and just get some more information. Yeah. And I think, again, it's his insecurity coming up. It's nothing that you're doing.

I kind of. Yeah, I did kind of think of that, too, but I would never want to just throw that at him.

Do not throw that at him. No, I wouldn't. Don't just say, I love you so much. I want to make this work. Let me know what you need. Don't bring up the past. This is just between you and I. Yeah. He doesn't need to know that. No. Okay. Okay, cool.

Okay.

All right, Stephanie, thank you. Keep us posted.

Thank you so much for talking to me.

Of course. I think this is gonna turn it around. Okay, Bye, Stephanie.

Thanks.

All right.

Bye.

Bye. God, sex is so hard. So confusing. I'm glad. I see. To me, though, this is the case of a super healthy situation. He was able to articulate what he wasn't getting. She appropriately got, like, concerned about it, and then she calls in, and now she's gonna go back and address it. Do you know how many have something like this happen? And then, you know what Stephanie could have done is thought, oh, my God, you know, I don't please him. Well, eff it. I doing the way I want to do it. He never is happy with me. And she could have let it spin into this whole other thing. But I think this is a super healthy situation of, like, you know, what we all tend to. A lot of times we misread what our partner wants and needs, and she's gonna go back and address it. I like this. It's healthy. All right, our next caller is James. He's 29 from Michigan, and he wants to know if he should leave his wife, who's constantly, constantly threatening to leave him. James from my home state, what's going on? Thanks for calling. How you doing?

Nothing much. I figured, you know, I figured that I would put the question out there and kind of see what's going on, because I've. I've offered to go to, like, couples counseling with her, and that's a no go. She doesn't want to do that either.

Okay, that's tough. So back up. So I need some. I need some background here, because I actually don't know the whole story. So tell me what's going on. How long have you been together? Why Is she threatening to leave you? I need some history.

So we've been together for 10 years now, okay. And this past we have. We have an eight year old son. And this past summer we were separated.

Okay.

And so we were separated for the entire summer. I went and got a place on the lake and she stayed in the house, you know, she went on a few dates and stuff. And the reason that we had separated was, you know, because I had cheated twice in the past.

Okay.

She found out, huh?

She found out you cheated, obviously.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. And it was many years ago and I mean, I guess it just built up. So, you know, we separated.

How many years ago? You've been together 10 years. How many years ago did you cheat?

Two.

That's okay, that's not that many years ago. It wasn't like eight years. Okay, got it.

Kinda.

And when did she find out?

Two years ago.

Right around the time. No, right around the time that I was doing. That I was doing.

Gotcha. Okay.

She stayed with me.

Right.

You know, and.

Okay.

It was kinda. The trust was pretty much gone, of course.

So over the summer she went on dates and stuff like that, you know, which was fine. And you know, I. I kind of dug deeper into my motorcycle club and that's not something that, you know, she really liked. But I mean, it is what it is. And. But now that, you know, we got back in August and it doesn't matter. It's anything I do, anything I say. And I mean, I am an amazing guy to her now. You know, I go above and beyond every single day. Doesn't even matter if she's mad at me every single day. I'll still. Because she's a nurse and I send her a text, I say, you know, good morning, beautiful. How are you? I hope your day is going good.

Right?

I send her flowers to her, to her work, maybe once a month or something like that. I mean, when she gets dressed, I say, wow, you look amazing. It's just, just. I'm always going, I get it.

You're okay. So why did you cheat and why.

Did I. Yeah.

You know, that's. I think it was more of a. An insecurity thing, I think, to be honest with you. With myself, not with her.

Right. Give you validation.

I mean, she. Well, yeah, and I mean she's great in every aspect. She can cook, she can clean, she has an amazing career. Everything.

Cooking clean. God, I can't even do that. Okay, well, here's the thing. Okay. So, James, do you love her right now? Like, how are you Feeling right now because you're thinking that you might want to, like, are you still in love with her? Do you want to make this work? Truly?

Well, that's my thing. I mean, I truly love her with all my heart, but, you know, it's just now it's like there's just so many threats constantly, like, I don't want to be with you. I had more fun over the summer when I was single. And, you know, any little slip up I could do, it doesn't even matter, you know? And I'm a very clean person. But if I say I came home from the gym and I was gonna get in the shower and I left my clothes in the.

In the bathroom, it's like she flips out from there.

Okay, so here's what's going on, James. Okay? I don't know if you want to be with her. She wants to be with you. But you have broken trust. And it's. Couples cannot heal trust, rebuild trust on their own. Without therapy, you just can't. It's like saying, you know, you've got some kind of head injury, you're just gonna do surgery yourself at home. Like, it's the same kind of thing. It doesn't just rebuild itself. It sounds like you guys have probably been pushing under the rug because she doesn't want to talk about it or you don't want to talk about it. But it's like. It's like untreated trauma in a way. Like, it never goes away. Because once that happens in her mind, all she could think about is, like, you know, you're late and you're probably meant to. Some girl at the bar got her phone number. You know what I mean? So she hasn't healed from it. I do absolutely 100% recommend that you have to get into couples therapy. And if she won't do that. And I know this. God, this is, like I say, mismatched people, mismatch libidos. And then couples is a big problem in relationships. And also couples, where one wants to go to therapy and the other doesn't. But I'm telling you that it's. It's. There's no way you guys are gonna heal from this, because you can't on your own. You've had the conversation, You've told her you won't cheat, you're sending flowers to. It doesn't matter. The damage is done. Trust is huge, and you need some outside help.

And, like, you would think that, you know, like, you wouldn't be, you know, like, which is it's? It's strange to me because when I talk to a couple of my friends, like, well, you know, what, are you guys sleeping in the same room? Are you still having sex? And, I mean, we have sex, like, every other day. Our sex life is beyond amazing. I think, you know, we bought out, like, the entire lover store, you know.

Nice. Nice. No, that's fine. That's amazing. The sex is great, but your communication and her trust in you and intimacy is shattered from that. And so she can still perform. She can still have sex with you. I'm sure she still really loves you, but she's really, really hurt and she's distrustful, so her walls have gone up. It's great you're having sex, because a lot of couples just shut down and they don't even have sex anymore. They don't even talk. So I love that you guys are still attracted to each other and still having great sex. So to me and you have a kid, and I think there's still hope here. And I'm not sure if it's like, maybe she's never gone to therapy before religion, or she's heard that it's not a good thing, but I'm telling you. Or if it's money, because you can always go on a sliding scale. Your health insurance will cover it, but this is the last resort, and you guys can listen to this together. But if you don't go to therapy asap, all these other things don't matter because the trust is broken and you can't heal that.

That.

You just can't. Yeah, she's got to hear it. Like. Like it takes years. Sometimes she's gonna have to hear, like, she's angry and she probably just doesn't know how to communicate it to you.

Yeah. Because, I mean, we've. You know, and it's. I'm just. I'm tired of playing Hollywood actor. Of course, you know, everywhere we go out and you'll see pictures of our family, and if we all go out and it's like, oh, my God, you guys look like a model family. And, you know, it's not like, we're. We're not ugly people and all this stuff, like, it's. I. I can't stand playing Hollywood actor. I can't stand, like, we got in an argument on the way there, but then we're like, oh, hey, honeybee. You know what I mean?

Right? No. Right. You're not living in your authenticity.

She's saying, I swear to God, I don't want to be with you anymore. It's done. I rather be single again.

It's just like, she's got a lot.

Of anger around this time.

And don't beat yourself up. I get it. People cheat. James wasn't the best thing to do, but you're trying to heal it, right? She's got tons of anger, and maybe she had it before. I don't know what it was, like, two years before the. Two years, but two years ago, before you cheated. But all I'm telling you is that she might be using this as a. Maybe she likes it. Like, some people are really uncomfortable with anger, and they like to have something to be angry about so she doesn't have to be really intimate and open and vulnerable. Because vulnerability is how you guys, like, grow and connect and build the family on an authentic level. But it sounds like right now it's not really real. You guys are sort of living this fantasy world. Like, yeah, the sex is great, but yet she's super angry. And so you guys have to untangle all of this. And if she will not go to therapy, I'm telling you, like, there's really no other solution here because you don't want to live this inauthentic in this inauthentic place, and neither does she. So, again, and that's the thing is.

When I ask her, I, you know, I say, hey, do you want to talk about some things? And it's literally like talking to a wall, right?

Because she shows she doesn't know how. She does not know how. She's become really good. And probably, James, if you look back, she might have been so great at it five years ago. Communication about our feelings and our emotions is a learned skill, and it's the greatest work that you can do in a relationship is learn how to be vulnerable and learn how to communicate and learn how to be open. And so she probably doesn't have a lot of experience with that. She's never done it. Who knows what her childhood was like. Maybe she had to learned to be really tough and grow up, you know, really young age and bottle her feelings inside. And being. Talking about her emotions and feelings wasn't safe as a little girl. Does that resonate at all?

That was more like. That was more me. I was always getting in trouble. But, I mean, I have no problem communicating. And then it just makes things worse when she doesn't want to answer me because it just makes me mad.

Right, of course. So you guys are in this cycle. See what I'm saying? So this cycle will continue until you just both want to, like, you know, I want to say kill it. You know, tell it till it's just gonna explode. Or you go to therapy and you learn. I. I mean, I learned how to communicate in therapy. We don't learn. They don't teach that to us in school. So therapy or. It's not gonna work. I'm telling you. There's no. There's no. You've had every single conversation.

How long do you think I should give it? I would say keep asking her to go to counseling and three.

I would say three months. I'd say three to six months right now. And I would put a deadline on and say, this is not gonna go anywhere. And I'd put in three months from today. I don't know. What is it? December? I would say March. Whatever the date is. Literally, I've done this before in relationships. So march, let's say 10th. This is what I wanna see happen if we are not in therapy. Because then years go by and we're in the same loop. You guys have been doing this for two years. Do you wanna spend another two years in the same place? You need change. You need something different.

I don't wanna break my son's heart either.

He was.

He was hurt a lot over the.

Summer because, you know, he missed his mom. She doesn't know how to access these feelings. So you guys got to go to. You may have to go to 2 or 3 to find one that you both like. But this is your most important work right now. Your most important work is getting recommendations, getting a name therapist, and going to see him. And she's going to get in there and, you know, she might. She'll start talking. She's going to have to. If she wants to save the marriage. That's it. Okay, James, good luck. Do it. Do it today. Get some names.

Appreciate it.

Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you for sharing.

All right.

Okay, bye.

There's always one person in a relationship. Not always. Some couples are totally down with it. And I think that some couples grow up, you know, they hear therapy's bad, or it means that we're crazy, or we just are afraid for what's gonna happen. Like, she's gonna have to face her truth. James is gonna have to face his truth, and it's gonna be ugly. So in a way, we live in this place where it's a lot easier to live with just the like. Like blame. Blaming our partner for something, or, you know, just sitting in that place, that's. It becomes comfortable. But until they got to break out in therapy, they just got to do it. And so I'm telling you, if you guys, if this resonates with you and you're in a relationship that you know you need therapy, like, just get on the phone and start making those calls. And it's the hardest thing just to find one. But these days, you know, your insurance will cover it. Sliding scale. But really, your mental health and your relationship is the most important thing. It's just not going to work out if you don't deal with it.

So that's what we got time for today. Those are our calls. Is that it? Are we done? Are we out? Okay. Wow, that was fun, you guys. Who else wants to call in and talk?

Email us. I would love that. And let me know what you think of the show and the format. I think this has been fun. So thank you to everyone, thank you for listening. Thank you to Madison, thank you to Eddie and Jamie and Ken, and thank you to Michael here doing the sound, our new buddy on the show. And yeah, just thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackswithemily.com.

I just returned from an amazing trip to Europe where I had the honor of helping to launch the latest innovation for my good friends at We Vibe, the all new Sync. And let me tell you, it was the buzz of the show. Get it? The buzz of the show. Okay. Anyway, the Sync is the latest evolution of the We Vibe, the world's best couples toy. For those that aren't familiar, let me back up. Okay. The original We Vibe is a C shaped toy that women actually wear during intercourse so both partners can enjoy the vibrations. It provides clitoral and G spot stimulation at the same time and connects to a smartphone app. No hands necessary. The new Sync keeps the familiar C shape and also shares the dual motors and multiple functions of the earlier models, but adds some great new features that will blow your mind. First up, those dual motors. Even more powerful, the new remote now provides full control over the vibration intensity and pattern. And get this, the free We Connect smartphone app has been updated to allow real time pattern changes and more. Meaning you just drag your fingers to control the vibrator as you're using it. It's so easy. But the biggest innovation is the Sync's ability to adjust and lock into position, meaning one size truly fits all. I mean, it will hit all your hotspots. If you haven't tried a We Vibe before, you need to try the new Sync. I mean, trust me, you will love it. And you can thank me later to order yours Today, simply click on the sync banner on my website or visit Wevibe. That's W E V I-b e.com and use code Emily at checkout. You know my mission in life is to help you improve your relationships and have the best sex of your life, right? Well, one of the most important things you can do to achieve that is to keep things fresh. Well, our good friends@adamandeve.com know exactly how to help you with that. Adamandeve.com is where you'll find all my favorite high end toys like the Magic Wand and the WE Vibe sync as well as sexy lingerie games, massage oils, everything you need to keep things exciting. To make the choice even easier, the folks@adamandeve.com have put together a special deal for Sex with Emily listeners. If you order today and use Code Emily, they'll cut the price of almost any single item in half. And not enough. They'll also toss in three free DVDs and ship it all for free. And for a limited time only, they will include a free gift, a sexy premium vibrating pleasure ring. Rings are a great way to enhance intercourse, and if you haven't tried one before, it's the perfect time. It can help guys stay harder, longer, all while providing that crucial clitoral stimulation that most women require to orgasm during intercourse. To get your free ring, free shipping, free DVDs and 50% off one item, go to AdamandEve.com today and use code EMILY at checkout.

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