Episode 289 - Hand Jobs (1/2)

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? 'Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my. Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, that feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information about Sex with Emily, go to sexwithemily.com where you can see all the great stuff going on on our website. Why are you laughing?

I don't know, for the first time ever that you said, "and everything in between," I giggled.

I know, why?

Because I was thinking, you know, in between, in between, you know? Like sex? No, not— I'm talking about like in between people's legs.

Oh, right, right, right. Everything in between. Everything, right, right. Yeah, you've only heard it 500 times, the intro. Every once in a while you get inspired by it. Yeah, I love it. Hey everyone, thanks for listening. Uh, so excited to be here today. If you have any questions, you want to call us— I really am excited today, by the way. I'll tell you why. Call us, uh, 415-992-7392 with any sex comments, questions, stories, issues, concerns, whatever you want to talk about. Yeah, yeah, call us.

And if you donate $1,000 to the website at sexwithemily.com, Emily will show her boobs on the webcam. Just throwing that out there. That could be—

that's it.

That could be true. I mean, yeah, we didn't discuss this. For $1,000?

$1,000, big deal. $1,000, I think maybe How many bucks would I need to get to show my boobs? How long would I have to show them?

I don't know, maybe a quick flash.

Quick flash.

But people can't screenshot that though. But then you could always be like the chick later on, be, oh, that was Photoshopped, you know?

Yeah, totally deny it. Yeah, okay, good to know. Okay, $1,000, more than $1,000, $5,000. No, but just become a Friends with Benefits member already because I know you love the show and we appreciate everyone becoming a Friends with Benefits member. Just Just go to the website, check out all the information there, and it's good, 'cause then you get Sex with Emily every single day. Which is awesome.

For real.

For real. Except for Wednesdays, and I was sad yesterday. Like, I missed you, and then we had Monday off, and then Wednesday, and it's like, I was like missing you.

We barely had time together.

We haven't had any time together. I'm so used to my menace time.

But I'm gonna set up your DVR for you.

I know.

Oh, remember, I don't know, people, email feedback@sexwithemily.com if you have any ideas of shows that Emily should watch.

That's a great idea.

You just got cable. I just got cable, and I was telling the cable guy, the cable guy.

I was like, yeah, I haven't had cable like in forever. He's like, I said like in college I did and whatever. And he is like, oh yeah, it was really different then. He was like showing me, he was trying to show me like how, how to do the channels and all that stuff. I'm like, no, I understand that part scrolling, you know? Like he thought I was like his grandma. I'm like, no, I get that part. But yeah, you're gonna help me with the DVR.

Yeah.

But any shows people all think I should watch, um, which will enhance my already, uh, my, my, my enhance my deficit, which is actually pretty, the bar is pretty low cuz I don't, haven't watched television in a very long time. I did try to watch, Um, something on Bravo. Oh, that Flipping Out with the houses. Have you ever seen it? He's—

oh yeah, yeah, I don't really get into the house stuff.

Yeah, me neither, but I was kind of sucked in. I'm like, I'm gonna be sucked into everything, TV commercials. I'm gonna be like a kid in a candy store with all my hundreds of channels.

I like all the Real Housewives. I like Millionaire Matchmaker. I— the only like house show, the ones about houses that I like, is the, um Extreme Makeover one, right? Home Edition, right?

Oh my god, it is so awesome because they help people who have like no home or who—

no home or anything. And then, right, they, they just come with the bulldozer, a bulldozer, knock over their house, and then just build just the most insane house you've seen.

Wow. Yeah, that's amazing. I'm so excited. Okay, so we'll do this and then you're gonna help me pick which shows. But yeah, email me feedback@sexandlimelight.com. Email me anyway. Email me your issues, your questions. We love reading your emails. Today We'll be reading some of your emails and they include— topics include dating instructors, lesbian sex, and virgin sex. Plus our topic today is one of our favorite topics and I'm very excited to do a show on this because I think it's really, really important. And the topic is, um, handjobs. How to give an amazing handjob. Because I think it's really important. Where did you get this information? I got the information from reputable sources.

Who's your reputable sources?

Oh, just every— it's universally recognized sources.

Oh, why are you trying to dodge? Because you know it's probably some woman that wrote a book that thinks that she knows how to give a hand job.

No, no, no, no. It's not about a woman who wrote a book. And I think you're wrong. Okay, so I think we have to— well, we'll get into it later. We have to recap the hand job debate, don't you think?

I guess.

If we wanna bring it back from the dead. But I'm just saying, just so people know why you're gonna have so many issues with this topic today. I think hand jobs are an amazing— everyone, we've done shows on how to perform oral sex on a man, oral sex on a woman. But I think handjobs are a lost art, and I'd like women to know how to give their guys a good handjob. And Manus has never had a good handjob from someone besides himself, and so he doesn't really understand and can't relate to the topic. And I, and I, and I, and my heart goes out to you.

I'm just shutting up right now until we get into it.

Okay. Um, okay, so also we have a contest going. We've gotten lots of great responses on this one. Um, what would you give up for amazing sex? So you can email us, you can post on our Facebook page, which is Sex with Emily, or Twitter, Sex with Emily, all around. What would you give up? What would you give up to have amazing sex in your life? Would you give up anything, Manus?

Give up in my life?

Like, would you be like, oh, I could live without beer?

Yeah, I mean, that's— people are just gonna pick, oh, Diet Coke.

No, people are being really illustrative.

Did you put anything there?

For what I would give up?

Yeah.

I don't have to give anything up. Oh, that's mean. Um, God, what would I give up? I haven't really thought about it. Uh, I guess I would give up chocolate.

Chocolate?

I like chocolate. I'd give up chocolate if I could have amazing— be guaranteed amazing sex.

Okay.

Yeah. Um, what in your life do you need that you'd like— I'd rather have good sex than that? Television?

Um, a PC. I'll give up a PC.

You don't care about PCs.

I hate them, but I still have to use them.

Yeah, but isn't there something you're like, dude, that's right, your PC at work is so slow.

Yeah.

That was stressful. Okay. I was at his work, like on his computer and it was like, whoa, God. Okay. And then, so that's our poll. So emails, I mean, that's our contest. And then also we have a poll. We talked about this the other day, but I'm gonna read it again. Please go to our website and vote, sexwithemily.com. What's the naughtiest piece of media you've ever created? A sexy text message, Dirty voicemails, nude photos, or a sex tape. What have you done? What's the naughtiest one that you've done? And for you, we know you've made sex tapes.

I've done all but the— I think the dumbest one is the voicemail.

That's what I was like. Yeah, I was like, who does voicemails? But some people do actually.

I asked my interns. The video could be dumb too, but you know, mine is going down in Davy Jones's locker. There's no way that people are gonna see that kind of stuff.

What if something happened to you and you like What is something that you have?

Like, they burn my hard drives.

No, no, really, like someone's gonna find them one day when you die.

When I die, they're not gonna go.

Yeah, they are. You should— my friend and I have a— my best friend, she's got like these journals that she's so terrified that someone's gonna find.

Who writes stuff down in a journal?

We did. We used to, like in college we did. Like a lot of people do use notebooks, journals, whatever. And I— then I would write 'em all on my computer and print 'em out. So I have like so many journals from like teenage years, like 20s, whatever. So she's, so we have like a plan that I'm gonna, if she dies, I'm gonna go get, I know exactly where they are in her house. I'm gonna get her journals.

Wow.

Yeah. Girls do that.

Did you go back and read them?

I, I go back and read 'em all the time and I'm like, man, was that crazy? But I, I think, but in one of many ways, I think, God, I'm sort of the same too. You know, I haven't changed that much. But then there's, you know, the issues that you struggle with when you're, 18, will he call me, you know, all that stuff. Oh God, I don't struggle with those issues anymore. You never wrote? No, you're a dude. No, I've had a diary like since I was like 7.

Yeah, I have wrote down because feelings— no, radio, like topics, emotions, topics and stuff. And then like a lot of stuff will be, um, the topic would come up because it would be something that I was going through in my relationship, right? And then so I'll go back to go look for topics to talk about. Oh, I'm like, oh, I wrote this.

Oh, that's because I was going through—

I was such an idiot, you know.

You were an idiot? Yeah, in relationships.

Of course I was.

We all were. We all were. I'm not—

I don't know what I know now. I mean, you know, what was like—

what's something that you came across that you were like, I really had that issue?

The issue is, and I think everyone has gone through this in their entire relationship history, is not knowing when to let go. Ah, not knowing when to break up and to end it, or just to end it, or to say, you know what, you, you've broken up, get over it.

And I think back when I was younger, you used to like pine for people.

Yeah. And now it's just like, oh, it's done, it's done.

So you've mourned for somebody? I can't imagine you like mourning and being sad.

Uh, not for a very long time.

It was like for like what, before lunch? Like, and then you had like a Big Mac and you were over it? No.

Yeah, no, no, I've, I've had relationships. Like, you know, one of my first really long relationships.

Yeah, right. It was devastating, I'm sure.

Yeah. And then now I'm just like, whatever, it doesn't work out, just, just move on. Just move on.

Right, exactly. There's so many more people to meet, you know, uh, in the world, especially like online. Like, I feel like with the dating online and stuff, like, there's always— there's less incentive for people to settle down. It's hard to find people who want to just be monogamous because there's so many people to date.

Did you see my Facebook update the other day?

I said, uh, no, but you're getting funnier.

I'm getting funnier?

Yeah, you are. I mean, you're funny always. Yeah, obviously. But you're getting funnier lately. Like, you're really funny. Well, you're always funny, but you're like, I laugh out loud funny.

Well, the thing is, I don't have any sponsors right now, so I'm not getting any endorsements. So that's where I'm usually more free with my language. Oh, and then like before, you know, if I have a sponsor that I— where it seems like I'm, you know, I'm representing a company, I'm not as loose with my language, right? So you get to fund me when I don't Yeah, you're super fun.

What did you post though today that I missed?

Oh no, I posted the other day, I was like, you know, marriages lasted longer before Facebook.

Yes, totally! Marriages lasted longer before Facebook, it's true. And I have a book on my shelf, what is it, something about Facebook saying and marriage, have you ever seen that on my shelf? It's like someone wrote a book about Facebook and marriage.

I would probably get rid of my Facebook if I got married.

No, you wouldn't.

No, I swear I would.

You can't be social media director and get rid of your Facebook. But I know what you're saying, the point is you'd like to get rid of your Facebook.

Yeah, if I was at a point where, you know, I'm married and this will be cool.

I can't wait for your wedding.

I would not. Oh my God.

Can I make a speech?

My wedding would be ridiculous.

Can I make a speech?

If you were sober, yeah.

Oh, it depends what time of the night it is. No, it would be better. Yeah, okay, so we've got a lot of stuff going. We got some sex in the news and we've got topics and I want to just say that If we still have our 3-month free of Sex with Emily we're giving out to people. So all you have to do is like the Sex with Emily Facebook page and every day we're selecting someone and it's about to end. Like it's gonna end soon. So go like our page. If you've already liked it, you're good to go. And we're picking someone to win 3 months free of Sex with Emily. Sweet. Sweet. And also you get, when you do that, when you become a Friends with Benefits member, Friends with Benefits member, FWB, You also get 30 minutes free of Fire TV, FYRE TV, when you become a Friends with Benefits member. And it's amazing. It's 20,000 titles of all the porn you've ever wanted in your entire life, and you can watch them all in 30 minutes.

Yeah, first video I saw was some double penetration.

You can watch some of that tonight if you want. I told you I'd explain to the cable guy, like, oh, did I tell you this the other day, or did I tell you this in my thoughts?

You said it on the show.

Okay, good. I'm like, did I type this in my brain and not really say it out loud? Yeah, I was sort of embarrassed. Um, okay, not embarrassed, but he was like, right on. He thought I was super cool because I had a porn box in my house.

That's awesome.

I'm pretty awesome, I have to say. Okay, I love our Sex in the News today.

What do you got?

I got some good stuff. Okay, so a new website tells you who's masturbating and thinking of you.

What?

Thank Your Wank. Is a social networking dating site for masturbators who prefer to overshare. The site allows you to show appreciation to the star of your fantasies anonymously, but if you're wanking— you're wanking to someone who is also wanking to you, Thank Your Wank helpfully plays matchmaker. The most important feature for members is the to-do list where you can prioritize your wank-off list, so the people that you fantasize about. The top celebs of the wall of wanks include Ashton Kutcher, Olivia Wilde, Megan Fox, Emma Watson, and there's also an intense wank battle going on between Angelina Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. So whoever you fantasize about—

I would not be jacking off to Jennifer Aniston.

You don't like her?

No.

Why? You don't think she's attractive at all?

Jennifer Aniston, I think she looks like, uh, what Dustin Hoffman would look like if he was 20 years old.

Really?

Yeah.

That's so sad. I think she's attractive. I know there's an intense debate. People, people don't— people don't think so.

I'm sure she's a really cool chick though. I've heard nothing but good things about her, right? Um, but I don't find her attractive, and she probably wouldn't find me attractive, so it shouldn't be hurting feelings.

Exactly. I mean, I'm sure she would though, man. That's because you're so cute. So anyway, thank you, Wall of Wayne. I mean, to-do list, like, like, who thinks— do you think as a dude ahead of time, like, I'm gonna go masturbate and fantasize about this person?

Uh, that's probably what gets you to start masturbating, is the thought that passes in your head about something. You're like, okay, now I'm gonna go masturbate to this, right?

Do the same people that you think about when you masturbate No, it changes all the time, but I never masturbate to a celebrity, right? I've never done that either. Um, I should try it though. I've never done that to a celebrity. Yeah. I don't even know.

It would be Ashton Kutcher.

That's hilarious. And it's all, it's all, no, it wouldn't be Ashton Kutcher. I don't find him attractive. I don't find the typical, like, I don't mean like Brad Pitt, like I don't even find him attractive to be honest. So for me it's about personality and connection. I need to know someone for real, for real, man. I'm just real. Okay. Unmarried couples could go to jail for living together in Florida. So apparently there is a state law that dates back to the 1800s that condemns opposite-sex unmarried couples living under the same roof. So apparently they can get 60 days in jail. It's just basically this law that's still in the books that you're not allowed to live with someone under the same roof. It's so stupid. It's like how there's like still two states that you can't buy vibrators in and there's— sodomy is illegal and there's all this stuff. So anyway, it's illegal there to cohabitate if you're not married, which is weird. Florida is like one of those states, like, of course.

Yeah, of course they have weird laws, but it's crazy because cops can enforce them if they really want to.

They know— they say that they haven't. It's not generally reported. And some dude said, a sheriff said, out of 20 years of law enforcement, I've never seen a person arrested. But now it has new, new attention. It's come up again. So now they're thinking that people are gonna have to start running scared.

Yeah, yeah. I just had a friend that got arrested over the weekend because his, his zipper was down, and, and, uh, some female cop said that he was doing indecent exposure, and he got arrested. Come on, and he's gay. He's like, come on, I'm not— there was no way that I would be showing my—

wait, wait, it was just like unzipped, or like unzipped and a penis was sticking out?

His wiener wasn't—

are you sure?

Swear, swear.

Just unzipped? Like, like my zipper's halfway down right now.

I mean, maybe his boxers were showing or something.

Like these pants, the zipper falls down. Anyway, I can get arrested.

You could get arrested. It's— he was— he doesn't really enforce things.

They can't enforce things, so be careful. What? He wasn't drunk? No, he's just walking down the street and cops like—

no, but he was asking for a bathroom and he thought— he was asking for a bathroom and he thought the person— I swear to God on my life, okay, he thought the person that he was asking was just a security guard, but it actually was an actual police officer.

And she's like, your zipper's down, you're going to jail. That's crazy. San Francisco?

No, no, no, this was out of state.

Got it. Okay. Yeah, because I thought it was San Francisco.

San Francisco, you can walk around naked, you ain't gonna get arrested.

Exactly. You know, someone just emailed me something like, when are you gonna start being naked? Because there was some other naked story about naked. Did you read something in the news recently about something? Some naked thing is happening in San Francisco shop.

Oh wait, what? People are gonna get naked here?

People are always naked here. I love San Francisco. It doesn't even— it doesn't even faze you. People— I mean, I live like right 2 blocks from the Castro. And then I was just gonna ask you something else about the news, but I can't remember. Okay. Hen evolve, hens evolve a secret sex strategy. I love this story. So wily hens have evolved the ability to eject the sperm of unsuitable mates, say researchers working with Swedish birds.

What?

So, but so basically promiscuous roosters try to, you know, roosters try to ensure that their genes are spread, right? They mate with as many females as possible. But the—

Those cocks.

Those cocks. So, but by removing the genetic material of males they consider socially inferior, the hens, roosters, the hens have managed to retain control of paternity. So they like eject the sperm out if there's like, if like a rooster comes and has sex with them that they don't think is socially suitable. So if they think they're, but I wanted to know what it meant to be socially undesirable. And it said that they were forced, like if a rooster was twice the size of a hen, that wouldn't be suitable. So they evolved. So yeah, they have the ability to remove the ejaculate. They just like, I don't know how they do that, but that'd be so awesome if we could do that. Like we could like eject sperm if like you didn't use a condom or the condom broke and you just ejected. It'd be like female ejaculation, but sperm ejaculation.

Yeah.

But we can't yet.

Yet.

We might evolve that way.

That'd be funny if the, the hens did shot it back at the roosters, saying, "I don't want this." Exactly, I wonder how long they wait.

Are they like, "Thanks, that was awesome, you were the best I ever had," and then like squirting it out?

I don't know. Amazing.

Amazing. Okay, Miss Universe officials to Miss Colombia, keep your panties on.

What?

What? So we know it's steamy down there in Brazil, but one contestant has apparently been taking this keeping it cool thing too far. Miss Colombia has been going sans panties at official appearances. So in Miss Universe, um, 89 beauties from around the world, her reigning beauty queen, she's 22 years old, she's been turning heads and wearing mini skirts without any undies underneath.

Yeah, but you don't want to show panty lines, right?

That's the problem. So I've gone in phases for sure where I haven't worn underwear, and usually it's when I'm wearing dresses, or, or just I went through a phase where I didn't wear them. But I guess if she's on television, she didn't know. Like, she just didn't know. Like, where she lives, like, they don't want panty lines. But you could wear, like, a thong, like a really small— like, I have, like, some thongs that you wear under dresses. But basically, yeah, panty lines are just— it's terrible. It's worse. But she's wearing a miniskirt anyway. That wasn't the only scandal. They were also compelled to return bikini bottoms after they were ruled too skimpy for network television.

Well, they're Brazil, man. Brazil.

I mean, I know.

If you guys do any research on Brazil, they— They barely wear any clothes down there.

I know, exactly. She just had to be, you know, she's being herself. Exactly. But you know, so yeah, have you been with women who haven't worn underwear?

That they just don't ever wear it?

Don't wear it, don't know it, don't care.

I think so. I can't remember.

It's been a while since you've had sex.

Yeah, I had sex with someone without underwear. Hung out with the opposite sex or done any of that kind of stuff. No, I think I, I did have a girlfriend that didn't, didn't like wearing underwear.

I've been with guys who don't wear underwear. They just don't like it. How? I don't know. I know I always think they have it hurt. I should ask.

Sucks.

I should ask.

I have to wear fresh pair of underwear every single day.

Every day? Yeah, most people do. Yeah, yeah.

What? No, I mean, there's some days you're just out for—

oh, right.

And then next morning, ah, I feel so dirty. I need a shower. I need to change my clothes.

That sounds awful. You just gotta do laundry. I know. Uh, okay, so worst date ever, perhaps. We've all seen Facebook warnings that so-and-so only shares some profile information with everyone. So 21-year-old Adam Minton might have had that on his page, but he certainly withheld his evening plans from Leah Gibbs, 23, when the pair hooked up through the social networking site. So this couple went on a date on Facebook. They met through Facebook. So Gibbs was doing the driving and thought she was going on a normal date, and so when the guy asked her to stop at a betting shop and wait outside, she she just waited. He goes inside and he comes out with a knife in one hand and a bag of money in the other. He had set her up as a getaway driver. It was a blind date, or it was like their first date, and he like robbed him, and they both got arrested. And he's a cocaine addict and has massive debt, and she was released though because he said that he acted alone. But he was like on a date with this girl, like she thinks she's on a date, and he goes in, he's like, hold on one second, I'm just— but the betting thing should have set off some kind of alarm for her. But he's like, I'm going in for a second. He comes out with like Drive, bitch!

That could have been an awesome date though.

Yeah, it's a good story. Yeah, like, have you ever had a bad date? Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is actually pretty bad.

This one kind of sucked. Yeah, yeah. No, then you should just like took the money, went, flew to Vegas, had some fun, and then say, hey, I had no idea what was going on.

They actually soon got arrested soon after. Um, he set off as a getaway driver. That's crazy. Okay, I thought— and I guess my date Dates haven't been as bad.

What was one of the worst dates you've had?

Um, I haven't had that many like horrible dates, but this one date, this one guy I went out with, like I could smell him before he got— so I live on the third floor of my building, you know, there's lots of stairs, you know, they go around, and I could literally smell him, his cologne, when he walked in the door, like from the downstairs. I could smell him before I saw him. Like it was just awful, awful smelling cologne, and he was wearing like all these gold chains, and he talked— I swear to God— and he like talked about— it was like a family friend from Michigan set us up, and he was talking like about himself the entire time. He had way too much hair product in his hair. He drove a Porsche and like talked about his— like thought I'd be really impressed, like talked about his car, his ex-wife, how crazy she was, like all the things that you don't do. Like wanted me to— like he's like, I don't care. I was like, I did the reach, and he's like, yeah, if you want. I'm like, dude, like to pay. I did the reach in the purse to pay. Like it was just a bad date, but it wasn't like He wasn't robbing a bank or anything. Like, it wasn't nothing that— I haven't had any horrible dates because I don't do that many dates with people I don't know.

Yeah, I, uh, I actually had a similar story, but it was just she was wearing just way too much perfume.

Yeah, that's bad. Women gotta be careful.

And it's funny because I was on a double date with my friend, and I go, hey man, come with me to the, to the bathroom. And I go, dude, I'm just getting so sick, I can't. Take it anymore. And I left. I left her.

You left her because of the cologne? Her perfume?

I left my buddy with these two chicks.

You just walked out the back door?

Yeah.

Oh, that's mean. How old were you?

I was just saying that I was—

You're like, it was last week, it was Tuesday.

No, no, that was like when I was, I don't know, 17, 18.

Yeah, I guess we all do things like that. Okay, a woman calls her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in one year.

What?

Prosecutors in The Hague are bringing up stalking charges. Against 42-year-old Dutch woman because she apparently calls her poor beleaguered ex-boyfriend 65,000 times one year. That's 178 calls per day, 7.4 calls per hour, 24 hours a day, one call every 8.1 minutes for entire year with no pauses. For her part, the woman claims they were in a relationship and that the number of calls were not excessive.

What?

Yeah, she called in the hundreds. Can you imagine? First of all, guys hate the phone. Like, don't you know that?

Well, I like the phone. I'm weird.

Oh yeah, you do pick up the phone. That's one of the things I love about you in my like reasons why I love Menace. Oh no, it's that you answer the phone. You answer the phone.

I'd rather—

and if you don't, like, I know, and your message is so annoying that I can't leave a message.

So I know that's on purpose.

It goes— it's the longest voicemail message and you can't skip it and it's so annoying because I don't want people to leave me voice messages. I know. Well, we don't. Yeah, we people don't leave you voice messages because they're so annoying.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, you're gonna like this next story.

Okay.

This is for you. It's about Jersey Shore. Yes, Jersey Shore teams up with cheeterville.com.

Cheaterville.

Exactly. The Jersey Shore has teamed up with CheaterVille as advertising partners to promote the newest social networking site designed to help people become aware of their cheating significant others. Anyone can go to the site and submit a cheater's profile. People are calling others horrible names left and right, and honestly, we highly doubt everyone's everyone's photo has been uploaded is really a cheater. The website looks like it's half full of cheaters, half full of people want— half full of others that people want revenge on.

Yeah.

So, but still, the site creator says, if we can get cast members of Jersey Shore to realize that cheating is wrong and voice their opinions against it, I know this world will become a better place. And their fans are already echoing some Jersey Shore cast members' viewpoints on cheating. So, cheaterville. Yeah. They're like, I guess Jersey Shore. Is that a big thing on Jersey Shore? Like not to cheat? Do they talk about that a lot?

Um, well, there's something going on right now between Snooki and The Situation where The Situation says that Snooki cheated on her boyfriend with him when they were at like some event in LA. And she says no, she's like, no, that didn't happen.

And also, would that have been the first time they hooked up or did they used to?

No, apparently they— he said that they hooked up before that, before it got serious with her current boyfriend, but he said one time. Why would he do that?

Just for drama?

Yeah, just for drama. He starts so much stuff.

Does he? That's why they love him.

Crazy.

Yeah, I can't wait to watch it. Are you gonna put that on my DVR?

Yes, I will. But, uh, and then some other chick on there, JWoww, she started hanging out with some other guy when she had a boyfriend, and then she ended up breaking up with her boyfriend and getting with this guy. So I don't know, none of the guys cheat because they don't have girlfriends, right?

Yeah, why do they all get— yeah, yeah, just don't, like you say, don't commit.

If you get out of the relationship, if you want to cheat, yes, just end it. Yeah, there's, there's no point of you trying to keep that. I know, it's just gonna explode in your face.

That's why, you know, I didn't commit for a long time because I was— I'm a reformed cheater.

Yeah.

I've said that before.

And that's why you don't commit now, right?

Exactly. Like, I don't want to cheat on anyone, it's so bad. So you just don't commit and then, yeah, and then you're good. It's no worries. It's awesome. So that's our news, unless you had anything to add to our news.

Trying to think if I heard anything, anything good, any importance. Um, no, there's just a singer that you guys, you probably don't know. Uh, maybe her name's Dev. And, uh, Dev. She's pregnant. That's big news all over the internet. And, uh, but she's been with her boyfriend for a very long time. And, uh, so congratulations to her. Oh, for having a boyfriend for a long time and having a baby.

Oh, that's good. She didn't eject his sperm.

She did not.

That's good. Good for her. And then Beyoncé's pregnant. We know that's old news.

Yeah, and Beyoncé's pregnant.

Who else is pregnant? Someone else I just read is pregnant too.

I don't know.

Anyway, It's time.

But stop it, females.

Stop getting pregnant. Ugh, okay. Should we get into emails?

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay. Hi, Em. I was just listening to your September 2nd podcast and heard you say you were getting cable finally. Hahaha. Then Menace commented that you'll have to get yet another remote. Got the perfect solution for you. This is like a tech solution.

Yeah.

Get the Logitech. Logitech.

Oh, those are awesome.

Harmony One remote.

Yeah.

I got one of those a few year— a few months ago and it's Awesome. Even my parents in their early 70s can use it now. You set it up with your computer. Magnus can help, I'm sure. I love that you're my tech guy. And then you press one button and everything you need to watch TV comes on. It's controlled with this remote. Same with watching a DVD. One button and very cool. Just thought I'd share this with you. And no, I have no vested interest in Logitech remotes. Dee from Cincinnati.

I know somebody from Logitech. I can maybe get one.

Have you heard of this before?

Yeah. It's the most awesomeness remote ever. So you only need one remote?

For real? Yeah, that would be nice because I don't know, like, I actually didn't turn my TV off for 2 days. I just turned the volume down because I was afraid—

are you serious?

I was afraid I wouldn't be able to turn it back on, and I haven't turned it back on. I didn't try, but because you gotta— I don't remember what he said.

The TV on for 2 days?

I just turned the volume down, like a day, day and a half.

All right.

Yeah, is that weird? Um, because I know that one time I tried to— I should just stop talking now.

Yeah. Yeah, they should get a universal remote. It will be half vibrator, half remote, because they're the, they're the same shape anyway, especially this one. It looks like a dildo.

Oh really? Yeah, awesome.

See, sexandlily.com, another product that you can give out online, a vibrating.

And everyone, yeah, has the, like, no one uses the remote. That's awesome. Speaking of vibrators, um, I'm glad you brought that up. I'd like to give a shout out there. I, I mentioned our contest earlier that we're doing Uh-huh. And our contest is, what would you give up for amazing sex? Like, what in your life that you're obsessed with, that you love, that you're like, you know what, I would give up chocolate, I'd give up my, my, my iPhone for to have amazing sex.

For the rest of my life?

I wanna know. Yeah. Or maybe temporarily, for a month. Oh, I'll give up everything. You give up everything for amazing sex? That's so sweet.

For a month? Yeah, I don't care. Whatever.

Okay, good to know. So anyway, it's a contest and it's also sponsored by Adam and Eve, 'cause we're giving away a prize. I don't even know if I mentioned that. Like, why would you— I said it was a contest, but I didn't say what you were winning. And you're winning something from adamandeve.com. We love adamandeve.com. And if you wanted to buy something there, you get 50% off most items and 3 adult DVDs, free gifts. It's like free shipping. Like, it's this awesome deal. And so you should just go buy something there now. I think vibrating rings are great for the whole family.

Mm-hmm.

Great for the whole family. You just use coupon code EMILY at checkout. That's what I got to say about that.

I think we have a caller. I don't— we'll see if this works.

Okay, awesome.

Hello?

Hello?

Can you hear me? Hello? Yeah, see, we got people. He tried to call.

What happened?

He tried to call through Skype. You gotta call— you gotta call through a phone, landline. So what's the number?

Okay, call through your cell phone or phone line. It's, um, 415-992-7392. That's 415-992-7392.

And, um, you can't call through Skype. That's why. Well, it's just crappy. There'll be like a delay like that.

Are you sure?

Uh, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure. I mean, we can keep on trying it, but obviously I've warned against that now. It didn't work.

Okay, so we have to say that.

Okay. Call through your phone, call through your cell phone, call back.

We wanna talk to you.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Hi, Emily and Menace. I have a suggestion for the show to possibly bring on a dating instructor from Love Systems or another company. Would be interesting to hear you guys talk about attraction and sex, et cetera. Uh, on another note, that Oming guy sounds like he's full of crap. Carlos from Florida. He's a premium.

Goddamn right, my friend. Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks, Carlos.

He's a friend and he can't answer a goddamn question.

He did answer questions.

He didn't answer shit. It was so like all over the place. Like I tried to like figure out how you even get part of this freaking orgy.

Homing is real, man.

This— I'm not saying the process is not real, but he would not give me a straight answer on how you even become a part of this organization, like this orgy cult that you guys are a part of now. Like he would not give me a straight answer. I'm all, uh, so do you just go there? Like, oh no, you gotta, you gotta bring a chick with you. I go, okay then. Who are these 10 random chicks you say that are there?

They sign up for courses. He told you that.

I know.

You're— this is one of those arguments that we're never ever going to agree on for the rest of our lives because I think he did answer your questions.

No, he didn't answer my questions. If you go back and listen to it, listen to what I was asking this guy, and he did not give me a straight answer. Okay, agree or disagree? We have an intern in the room. Yeah, she was at work. Never mind.

Okay, orgasmic meditation is what he's talking about. I had a guy on last Free Friday. Was it last Friday?

Yeah. And here's another thing that I want to point out that I even bring up on the show. I was like, this was just a thing so they can meet chicks and then they can hook up with them. And they're like, no, it's all about the process, the feeling that they get through their arms. They have to connect with the orgasm. And the guy himself said that there's potential that he bones these chicks. So of course, here, let me sign up for some weird freaking cult where I can rub random chicks' vaginas, and if they like it, then I can bone them in some secret rooms.

Like, it's not like that.

Oh, whatever.

Everyone go listen to the free Friday show. Was it— when was it? Last Friday? It was the Friday before last. It's on the website.

Agreed with the emailer.

It's not all about that. Orgasmic meditation is not about that. It's all about It is about the connection and the vibration through the body. He's like, sure, I could bone someone that I meet through there. Like, that could happen, just like it could happen if you meet someone at your tennis club.

It does.

You could bone someone that you meet, you know, waiting in line for lunch.

I'm just saying that's—

it's probably more likely to happen that you would bone someone.

I'm just saying, the guys that say that they're doing it because they get the spiritual connection, he also said he doesn't have a problem getting chicks.

He doesn't get— they're not full of shit because you've never had a spiritual connection to save your life.

I have a spiritual connection with my wiener all the time. All right, my wiener acts as a spear and it gets a spiritual connection all the time. And I think all the guys are full of shit.

Okay, you thought he was full of shit?

Of course. The reason— again, not that the process is full of shit. I believe in the process, that it does work. I do believe in all that. I'm saying the reasons behind men doing this and they're saying it's all about the connection and the feeling and blah blah is full of shit. It is just a reason to rub women's vaginas and potentially sleep with them.

What's wrong with that?

There's nothing wrong with that, but don't front.

No, no, no, but that's not why he did it. That's not why. Okay, whatever.

That's not why he did it? Are you effing kidding me?

Yeah, I think it's because people are like searching for like spiritual connections and stuff like that, and I think I think that— I wish you had a clitoris because then you could get it rubbed and understand the process.

No, I'm not talking about what the women get out of it. Of course they get something out of it. We're talking about the men and why they do it.

He said he never has a problem getting chicks. He was an attractive man.

Okay, that's great.

Right.

You know, but I'm just saying.

But this is what— okay, I get it.

I could give you 1,000 dudes off Craigslist that would jump at the chance to do this shit. Right. I'm just saying.

But they don't let anyone come in and rub your clitoris. They're like trained.

Yeah.

Yeah. But if it was just about that, the people wouldn't stay there and do— okay. Anyway, so he thought the guy was full of crap. Fine. But the first thing he says, we should bring a dating instructor. We actually did an amazing interview that we're gonna air. We had to do it off hours one day cuz this guy, his name's Evan Mark Katz and he's amazing and he is a dating coach instructor. And I did like an hour, you weren't here, but I did an hour-long interview with him that we're gonna air one day when we are gone.

Cool. Give me a tip on a thing to do on a date.

Can you tip right now?

Yeah.

What to do on a date?

What's it—

what's— give me a specific question.

What would be something that would make me look good on a date?

A dating coach? Like the guy would tell you?

Let's just say I'm on a date, I'm at dinner with the girl. What could I say or do that would make me look good?

Ask her questions about herself. Don't use a Groupon. We were talking about this earlier in the office. First of all, though, the real answer to that is is, um, is to just listen. Listen and ask questions.

Yeah, women want to talk about themselves and they don't want to hear about you.

No, we do want to hear about you, but not ad nauseam, not the whole time. But there was something that I saw that, um, I think it was the SF Weekly, the San Francisco Weekly paper. They— it was on Twitter. They said, what should someone use a Groupon on a date? Hell no, right? That's what I said. Do you want a guy to be like, yeah, here, and you can—

you can make—

I paid $10 for this dinner. Yeah, but then we talked about it at length and we were saying that, well, you know, maybe he slips it to the waitress. What if he slips it to the waitress and you don't see it, but he got like a good deal? Then yeah, exactly. But don't whip out your Groupon. You what? Yeah, no, you can't let him see it, but you can't let him see it.

Yeah.

But I don't want a guy being like, oh, but I guess if you're dating someone for a while and you're like, oh, like I got this Groupon for this restaurant, that's fine.

Yeah. But like the first or second date or third date, women are into money and We don't look cheap.

We're not into money. We just don't want you to look cheap. We really don't. We all just said that. We're like, cheap is so unattractive.

Yeah.

Because there's ways that you can have no money and still be a great date. Doesn't matter. Like, you can go on a great date. You can go for, you know, get coffee. You can go for a walk. You can meet somewhere cool, like some exhibit or whatever. And it doesn't have to be expensive and money. And in fact, I'd prefer the first date not to be a meal. I prefer it to be not Grouponable because I want it to be something that you can get out of. I don't want to sit through— because if you're on a bad date and you're like, oh goddammit, I guess that we're just on appetizers right now, we gotta sit at the meal and they do my dessert and you want coffee, like, and you want to like shit yourself, and then you go to the bathroom, you're like, I've had these bad dates of texting my friends and I gotta get out of here. Like, I've actually had to call friends from dates to get them out, you know, emergency. Anyway, so don't use a Groupon. Uh, yeah, okay. Dear Emily, what are you doing there?

This, uh, dude, I understand Person on Skype, don't message us. Use a goddamn telephone.

Tell him, message him back.

I'm sorry, stop saying hi.

I'm saying hi.

I love you, Mike, but you got to use the phone if you want to call.

Okay, got it. You got to use your cell phone.

Screwing up the show. Okay, and I'm not getting angry, angry at you, just angry at technology, right?

Technologies. We could get a better phone system here at some point, but not now. Okay, dear Emily Morse, is lesbian sex more about caressing kissing, licking, nibbling, and sucking as opposed to penetration?

It's fisting.

Jeff from Minnesota. We're having a fisting expert.

No, you're not.

Yeah. Oh yeah, I am. He's in gay porn and he's a fisting expert and he's gonna be on the show in a few weeks. Can't wait for that one. Okay. Is lesbian sex more about caressing, kissing, licking, nibbling, and sucking as opposed to penetration? Jeff from Minnesota. Um, okay, here's the thing about lesbian sex is that no, a lot of lesbians are into penetration. They hence the strap-on dildo, where they strap it on and they penetrate their partner, um, either vaginally or anally. Um, but I think a lot of it is about caressing, licking, nibbling, and sucking for sure. But there is penetration. You can use your fingers or you can use a dildo. So I think a lot of lesbians are into that, but some aren't, just like some people aren't into that. Yeah, well then some people aren't into everything. I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, I know some I know some gay men that not— they're not into penetration, just oral. That's it, which I find weird. Yeah, because as a guy, you want— you would want to stick your thing anywhere you can, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder if it's— yeah, you're right. I don't know, but I've heard that too. But this is about lesbians. I don't know that all lesbians— it'd be interesting to know.

I'm not a lesbian, but I do love women. So, you know, I'm assuming they like everything.

Penetration?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think everyone would probably just like— you want something in your vagina. Yeah, like you want to be penetrated by something. Like you want like even a vibrator. Doesn't have to be as strong.

I want to take that part. Sometimes you just want something in your vagina.

I think you'd miss it. Like, I mean, fingers are okay, but sometimes you just want a penis or something like a penis in your vagina if it's been a while.

I got to get an instant replay in here where I'm gonna just take sound bites from you.

Can you do that?

Yeah, well, they cost $3,000, so. Really? If anybody wants to join, anyone wants to donate one, go for it.

Okay, speaking of that, we're printing stickers and Sex with Emily t-shirts, so if anyone knows of a good reasonable place to do that, hit us up. Feedback@sexwithemily.com. Hey Emily and Menace, I love your show. Keep up the good work. I have a question. I've been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now and she's a virgin. We tried having sex but couldn't because it was painful for her. I know it's painful for the time. I know it's painful sometimes. So just wanted to ask how I can make it better for her so that it's not that bad. Also, I kind of have a big penis, so it's making it worse. Thanks for your time. Regards, Torino.

Always gotta throw that in. By the way, I have a big penis.

This is a serious— can I tell you something? This is a serious issue.

Yeah.

A lot of men, um, and I've heard this before, like, I— they have big penises and it actually can hurt women. Like, it actually is not— does not feel good. Like, they keep running into the situation. The situation where the people with the penis is too big. So I would say use lots of lube and go really slow and, um, don't try to shove it in. And, and, um, she's a virgin, be really careful. Start with your fingers, start with one finger, two finger, three fingers, and then I would gently ease using tons of lube, like more lube than you think is possible. You can go to Adam and Eve because I get— they just sent me this big huge thing of lube that's in a pump and I'm so psyched about it. It's like lifetime supply of lube.

How big is it?

It's this big. Really? It should last me a month.

So it's like a— trying to think what, what you can relate that to. It's like a 2-liter size almost.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a 2-liter size of lube. Like this big. Like, I— it barely fits in my nightstand.

You can make it like a— make a slip and slide or something.

Something like that, you know. So lots of lube. You can never have too much lube. And, um, go slow. That's what I have to say.

All right.

What? Nothing. But big penises— I did have— I was the guy once and he's like, sorry, I'm really big, can't He was big, but he was like, his— he's such an ass. He was like— I was like, we have to use a condom, of course, because you should always use condoms. And he was like, I'm too big for condoms, like it won't fit, like it literally won't fit. And he like had this condom, he's like showing me how it kept like slipping off him. You can find— I mean, he was big, but anyway, we didn't end up having sex because he wouldn't use a condom. So let's get into our, um, favorite topic.

All right. Okay, our favorite time— oh wait, wait, this is not our favorite topic.

It's my favorite topic. Handshakes?

Talk about more lies.

What?

This topic, this topic, it's more shenanigans.

This is the best topic.

No, it's not.

I'm so excited. Awful.

Sorry for dropping so many f-bombs today. I'm a little out of it as usual.

Why?

I don't know.

Were you up late?

No, I tried. I got a little more rest. Today, but you know, it's just the heat is— or weather changes so rapidly.

I know, it makes you crazy.

It makes me insane.

I know, but it's kind of cold out again today. Yeah, yeah, bummer. Okay, hand jobs. Let's get a handle on it. We were thinking of all these funny things in the office, we're like, let's get a handle on it. Okay, let's get a grip on it.

What about hand jobs? Okay, women can give them better than a man can give to himself. That's my statement.

Okay, so Meredith and I, I think we just have to recap real quick.

Go ahead.

Okay. So Magnus and I, um, I guess a few, few years ago now. Yeah. We had a show, we were talking about handjobs and I was saying that I think handjobs are awesome and I wanna bring back the handjob because I think that people, women don't give men handjobs as much as they like. It's all about oral sex. It's all about giving a good blowjob. It's all about that. But handjobs can actually be a really nice addition to sex, not instead of sex, not instead of oral sex. But a really cool, awesome thing that you can do that can feel great for a guy. And it's just like a wow surprise, like to get a hand job. So, um, we're going to give you some tips here and a crash course on the penis.

I remember when, uh, I just— a memory just came into my head right now, and I've never shared this other than talking about this. Um, one of my very first hand jobs where I came to to, uh, you know, completion, right? My leg kicked violently. Like, you know when they go to the doctor's office and they hit you with the, you know, that whatever the hell it is, right? Tool that they use, right? They hit you on the knee and then your leg just kicks. Yeah, like my, my leg kicked violently.

So, well, you must have thought you had an orgasm.

Yeah, that was crazy.

That's hilarious.

It just popped inside.

Something happened, like you threw up or something bad happened. I'm like, that's why you don't like the hand job.

No, no, no. I've had my friends have girls throw up on their penis when they were giving them blowjobs.

I've had friends who have thrown up on guys' penises in college, or passed out or something. Maybe threw up and passed out in college. Okay, those are good times. Yeah, my friends are super classy. Okay, so, um, it's about adding variety. It's all about variety. We're all about giving tips to lovemaking, to sex, that are different. So if you don't wanna have intercourse or there's wait, lots of times women also, I'm just gonna say it, like if you're having your period or it's that time of month and you're like, same thing, that time of month and you're like, I can't have sex now, or I don't wanna have sex now, or we don't, some guys aren't into it, which whatever, give a hand job. Like if you're with someone for like a while or you're living with someone and you're like, I really don't wanna have sex, you could just, it's a great thing to do. Okay. So there are times you can do, it's like not tonight or the words that men hate. Most men hate that when a woman's like, not tonight, I have a headache, or not tonight, like give it like with one hand and watch TV. But anyway, here's the penis. So first, let's just understand the penis real quick, the sensitive parts in the penis.

Um, you tell me about the penis.

I'm gonna tell you about the penis. Ready? The base of the penis is a soldier. It can take a lot of pressure, so don't be afraid of it, but make sure you lube it up first. So this— the lube is key here. Like, go get this pumpy lube thing that I got. I wish I had the name of it. Pump lube is brilliant because you don't have fuss with the cap.

Yeah, okay.

The underside of the penis is where it's at. The erectile tissue is right under the skin, which makes it super sensitive. To make sure you give it some quality attention. The coronal ridge— do you know, do you know the names of your penis parts? If I put your penis on a flowchart here, would you be able to name these parts? The shaft, the coronal ridge, the penis, and the head meat is very sensitive. Give it some quality time. The frenulum frenulum is a little band of tissue on the underside just beneath the head, and it's the head of penis. It's the money spot. If the head of the penis is the money spot, this is a close second. You know about the frenulum underneath? Yeah, we've talked about this before.

That's the best.

You probably know it, but do you know that's the best part? Like, when you're like masturbating, do you touch that part?

Yeah, well, no, I'm having sex.

Yeah, we're having sex, not like I'm masturbating all the time.

I never do that.

But is the tip more sensitive or the frenulum?

Uh, the frenulum. Not the— not the tip. The frenulum.

The frenulum is more sensitive than tip, but does the tip feel good?

Yeah, the tip feels good, but okay, it's all about the frenulum.

It is, right?

Yeah, I should get t-shirts that say that. It's all about the front.

That's my t-shirt, baby. We're trying to come up with t-shirt ideas. Um, my one t-shirt is, I had sex with Emily and all I got was this t-shirt. Oh, is that funny?

And then you should have a picture of you with your thumbs up like this.

Like this?

Yeah. On the t-shirt?

I don't think so.

Why not?

Thumbs up?

Yeah, two thumbs up and smiling on the t-shirt.

That's kind of funny. I texted him like, I got a t-shirt, and I'm going, yeah, I don't think so.

But, um, you never want to do any of my ideas.

I love your ideas, they're so cute.

Okay, I have the best ideas. Ask any of the listeners.

What's up? To have sex with the computer while you're—

the computer has sex with you while you're listening with Sex with Emily. Uh, it's not rocket science, people.

You know, go invent it. Yeah, yeah, I'll take the proceeds. You can use my name.

No, no.

Okay, grease it up. You got to use lots of lube. Okay, you have two hands, so use two hands. This is where it's different. Not that you don't have two hands, but do you ever masturbate with two hands?

No.

All right, I'm not a monkey. It feels good, I bet.

Two hands?

Yeah, on your penis. So when you're So, so grip the base of the cock, the penis, between your thumb and index finger like making an okay sign. Uh, this intensifies things by trapping blood in the penis. So anyway, you can use both hands. Okay, then there's some stuff I want to get through. The goal is to be like a vagina. We want it to feel like a vagina, right? The goal of the handjob is to be so great that if your man was blindfolded, he wouldn't be able to tell your mouth, your hands, or vagina. It feels like a vagina. I mean, you wouldn't be able to tell that.

You better be so good at it that you can do it with your feet. You can bring it to completion.

But seriously, like, make it like tight and snug and—

yeah, but not too tight. Not too tight and not too soft. You got to find that equal.

I know, it's easy.

Is it? Yeah. No, sometimes— no, sometimes they grab the base so hard it feels like it's being ripped off.

Who?

What people? Random women that you meet at bars, they just grab your penis.

So I hear. So I hear random women you meet at bars grab your penis.

So I hear they grab it so tight at the bottom, they're probably just— it's cutting off circulation.

I thought it was her glass or something. She's still drunk.

Circulation's getting cut off.

Women really do that? Yeah.

And I don't know where you come out unerect. Unerect? Yeah, that don't even work.

Erectified.

Erectified. It actually becomes— because you grab it, like, cuts off the circulation so much Erectflation. The wiener like—

Really?

Yeah, because the blood flow. And then like, I have to get my wiener back to that point again.

That's such a bummer. So you were already hard at the bar when she grabbed your penis through your pants and she deflated you.

I'm saying people told me this.

She deflated your penis.

Yeah.

That's so sad.

Stop holding it so hard.

Don't hold it too hard, says Menace. Okay.

But not too soft either. And women that give soft blowjobs might not as well even give blowjobs. What do you mean?

Like they don't— what do you mean a soft blowjob?

They just like, they just like, like, they're just so soft with it. Like, no, suck on it like you're, you're trying to suck the paint off, you know, like the chrome off the bumper. Yeah, that's the kind of blowjob we want. We don't want the freaking soft blowjob.

I agree.

I know that's—

I don't have a penis.

I've stopped chicks in mid-blowjob because it was so terrible.

You have?

Yeah. I'm like, okay, cool.

You're like, I'm cool, done, thanks babe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Worst blowjob of my life. Get out of my face.

Really?

Get out of my house.

Is it common? Would you say, okay, would you say, um, would you say on a scale of 1 to 10, um, no, no, no, no. What percentage, sorry, I want this to be a percentage question. What percentage of, of, of blowjobs that you've received are not good?

What percentage?

Yeah.

I would say maybe 20%.

Oh, so 80% of them are good. So it's a rare woman that, that does it too soft or whatever, you know.

She does it too soft, she somehow— I feel her teeth for some reason. Oh yeah, teeth.

Never use teeth. Although some people like teeth, but that's what I've heard.

Okay, that's what you heard.

No, I didn't. I actually did. I don't remember. I think it was in sex school. There was something about teeth, like some people like it when you like nibble a little, or that It's called grazing. Grazing, exactly. Some dudes are like that.

I know things.

You do know things. Yeah, no, you know some things about things.

No, I'm grazing.

Here are some of the new propositions. What'd you say?

No, I'm grazing.

No, I'm grazing.

Yeah.

Okay, here are some of the best variations to give a handjob. So, uh, wait, this is what I want to say here is, um, okay, you got the vagina part, so you want it to be tight, right? Here's some— okay, the stop-and-go handjob. You'll hate this one, but this is really good for men who have premature ejaculation issues. Hell no. What?

I already don't like it by the name. Go ahead.

The stop-and-go?

Yeah.

Here's a great technique if he wants to last. Simply stop masturbating him just as he's about to ejaculate. Once he is relaxed, start to masturbate again. Repeat this process over a few times so he can no longer handle it. He can no longer handle your hand. Um, this is good because this is some— this is actually what men should do If they're premature ejaculators themselves, they should masturbate themselves till they're almost about to— till they're about to come, and then stop.

No.

Yeah. The shower handjob. Have him stand in the shower facing the wall side and put his left leg on a sturdy ledge. Take the handheld shower head and hold it upside down in your hand, and then direct the spray towards his anus and scrotum and let the jets of water do its thing while you masturbate him with your other hand. Every now and then, don't forget to tickle his testicles. The shower hand job would be easy.

I don't need my testicles touched though. Don't touch the testicles. Stay away.

But don't send that message to women across the world.

All right.

Because a lot of men do like it.

Yeah, feel it out, feel it out.

See, feel out the sitch. But yeah, a lot of men don't like it and a lot of men do like it. I told you early on, I got scared by a guy who was like, no, no, no. And then I thought that all men didn't like it. But then I found out I was just like for years ignoring, I just was like avoiding them. I was like, I'm not, never gonna touch them. But yeah, but some guys are like totally into it, like they moan, they're psyched. They're like, oh, I'm so glad.

I'm saying you can put them in your mouth, just don't touch them with your hands.

Oh, you didn't say that. Yeah, interesting. So no hands but mouth? Yeah, that's so different, Matt. It's— that's so not— I don't like my balls touched. You like them sucked? Yeah, that's so different.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Okay, we learned something today.

We did learn something today about your balls. I thought I knew everything. Okay. The silky hand job.

Use your silky hands. I like that. Do you put on some Marvin Gaye?

Use your silk sheets or handkerchief to get him off. He'll love the feel of the fabric. You can also use your underwear, heat up in the microwave for 60 seconds to give him a very warm feeling. Another thing you can do is your hair. It's a very stimulating sight for men, like put your hair on his penis. Um, so anyway, that's a second job. Would you like— have you ever used material over your penis?

No, feels good.

Could feel good.

I mean, every guy's used a sock, but that doesn't feel good.

That's why I've ever got used to sock, because for cleanup purposes.

Oh, but why not feel good?

Oh, it hurts because the sock is scratchy. Yeah, we're talking silk.

Yeah, silk's good. Yeah, not, you know, many guys have, you know, silk laying around, right?

You know what's amazing? When you lose our bet, you're gonna, um, you're gonna love that massager that I know.

That thing looks like it's gonna chop off my penis.

Is. Everyone has to check it out. It's Tenga.com. T-E-N— I think it's Tenga. They make these amazing male masturbation toys, and this one is epic. And I can't wait for Menace to lose our bet, and he's going to masturbate with it. It's gonna be awesome.

Okay, I understand it.

What?

I don't understand.

I didn't understand either. It's hard to open, but no, no, I do understand it. It's awesome. And then they make these little eggs that I haven't shown you. I'm going to give you one, a little egg that you could just take home with you, and you open it up and it's got this this vibrating— this, I mean, this thing for your penis. The clasping handjob. Clasp your hands if you're praying around his penis and masturbate him that way. This is great for women whose wrists are tired. You can use both hands to keep the motion going. All right, all right, both hands. Um, so while you're masturbating, put— okay, the scratch and stretch handjob. While you're masturbating him, pull on his scrotum sac.

Oh, okay.

Don't be afraid to really stretch it. It's a feeling men love. What do you think? Also gently scratch it along with gentle scratches on his inner thighs. How do you feel about that? The scrotum, the scrotum, uh, maybe a little stretching the scrotum sac.

Maybe, maybe try a little tug. I don't know, uh, but I don't know about the scratching.

Maybe a little tug.

I don't know.

Oh my God, I've got more, but we have to, we have to, uh, we gotta wrap it up.

We'll save it for tomorrow.

Yeah, let's see for tomorrow. We'll finish Handjob Part 2 tomorrow a little bit. And, uh, oh, tomorrow's show is also, tomorrow is how to become a better kisser because yeah, there's really bad kissers out there. And like, I have a friend who was just, she just was freaking out this morning because she was so into this guy. They had 3 dates and she just, she waits to kiss guys and it was their 4th date and she's like, he was the worst kisser. I'm never seeing him again. So I thought we have to rectify that situation for people across America and the world. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.