Episode 294 - Crazy Sex Accidents

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's got to have her standards. Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry?

It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God. I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. Hello.

Hello. You're listening to Sex Family. Are we good?

Yeah, but you're really loud.

What else is new? Okay, we're playing with the sound. But you're listening to Sex Family.

Sorry, people. Sorry, people use the studio.

They shouldn't. They shouldn't let people into our studio. That's not really our studio anyway. It's the Stitcher studio. We're at Stitcher. I know. And you can download their app for your iPhone or your smartphone Anytime you want. And listen to Sex with Emily, especially if you're a friends benefits member, you can log in.

All right, well, that was a good start.

That was a great start. Everyone's awake now. That's a good thing. Okay, you're listening. Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, everything in between. Go to sexemily.com or if you're in your office, it's Emily Morse dot com. Because your boss may not want you going to a sex website. You might be blocked.

So it's not a really pornographic website.

It's not pornographic at all. But they don't companies block it if it has sex in the title.

Those blocking bastards.

Blocking. Exactly. They cock blocked you from Sex with Emily. That sucks so bad. Thanks, everyone, for listening. Today's show, we're talking about crazy sex accidents. They're just hilarious penis and vagina accidents that people get into. Women and men with their.

These are the things that I wanted to talk about the other day. And you're like, I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, I don't think you explained it right.

What are you talking about? Anyways, I'm really excited to hear this stuff.

Yeah, it's really funny. I just was reading some and I was. Yeah, it's funny. So that's today's show and then tomorrow's free Friday so everyone can tune in and listen to the free show. You look to me. I thought you were going. Tomorrow's not Friday.

No, no, no.

You had that annoyed menace look on your face for a second.

No, no, no, I'm good.

Can't wait till people can see your face, too.

Hey, we got to talk to our friends that help us produce the show.

Yes, we will. We'll do that very soon.

That's up to them. Okay, if you're listening.

If you're listening, the people want it. People want it. People want to see Menace's cute face.

Oh, no.

Yes, they do. You're so cute.

You gotta let me know before the camera gets here.

And we've got to pull. Okay, I will. And we've got a new. We've. No, it's not a new poll. It's poll. An existing poll. That's been the site. We have a new pull up tomorrow. But have you ever had a threesome? No, but I'd like to. Yes, but it was not fun. Not. No, not my thing. And yes, I'm excited for my next one. So go vote on our poll now because we want to know what you.

I like to have somebody jump on my poll right now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's your poll?

My flesh pole that I'm having currently in the city.

What do you mean?

Sorry, I. I'm in my kind of, like, delirious phase. When I get tired, I'm just, like, all over the place. But, you know, I promise. No, I just had a problem sleeping, so I'm just going to be here with you. I might sound like a homeless man that's on drugs. All right. Is that okay?

Yeah, it's very San Francisco of you.

I'm just like, yeah, I'm just. Whatever. Let's do this. We're in the show. Don't. Don't get distracted by me.

I won't.

Let's keep moving forward because you're.

You know why I was. Because you made. You said something and your face didn't match what you were saying, so I thought that here's coming something negative. No.

Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw somebody that I knew.

Oh, so you're having hallucinations now?

I'm just having.

You're having hallucinations because you haven't slept?

Because there's windows by the studio.

How many hours of sleep did you get?

I don't know, like, three. I tried to go to bed early, but there's.

So roommate there. Did you. Was your roommate there? No roommate.

Yeah.

Mm. Anyways, I was out till one in the morning.

Really? What were you doing?

I was out.

Don't throw out stuff if you ain't gonna share.

I'm sharing. I wasn't doing anything crazy. I mean, I was. I was out drinking and having a good time. I went to two parties. I went to a party for this new really cool bowling alley that's opening in the Mission.

What?

Yeah, it was a party before they're. Before they opened. It was, like, for people who wanted to see the space and learn more about it.

And thanks for inviting me. I would have loved it.

Yeah, it's cool. And it's a mission and it's a restaurant. Bowling alley hasn't opened yet, but they were like, look, they're looking for investors or whatever.

So when's it open?

I don't know. I didn't. I just was eating the food. I wasn't really paying attention to the speeches. I think it's opening probably in the next year. Six months.

I want to see it.

It's really cool. Bowling alley, but it's like hipster bowling alley. Food, beer.

Yeah.

You know, stuff like that. It was very cool space and Then we drank a lot and then they have this. One of the most like well known chefs of the famous chefs in the nation. They hear there now like was cooking.

Meals at the bowling.

At the bowling space. Because it's like this amazing chef attached to the restaurant. Because there's a restaurant and a bowling space.

Yeah, they have those. They have one in downtown Los Angeles.

They do, yeah.

Like it's a fancy bowling place slash restaurant.

Right.

It's at. It's called LA Live. So if you visit Los Angeles, California, they have it there. And then they have one, I believe, in San Jose, California.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They have a lot of these upscale.

We have one in the Presidio, but it's not the same thing. That's like a real bowling alley. This is like a hip, hip space.

I can imagine watching you try to bowl.

I'm terrible. Even though I grew up in Michigan and we're supposed to be.

No wonder you weren't listening because you probably don't love bowling like I do.

Oh, I didn't know you loved bowling.

Oh, yeah. My dad was super into bowling when I was young.

Really?

I used to have bowling alleys all the time.

Shut up. Little met us at the bowling alley.

That's so cute.

I didn't know that. I grew up. My parents were in a bowling league too, but I never got into it. But yeah, I didn't. I just didn't. But I should be a good bowler because I'm from Michigan's known for like a lot of bowling. But I never did it. I like Gutterballs. Gutterballs. Really bad at it. But I got to do it more. I should embrace my Michigan bowling background. I know. Well, I didn't.

Something fun other than one and hanging out in stupid cabins. And then we like do something that's enjoyable.

And then we went and walked around the Mission and went to Dahme, which is an. You know, it's been there 16th in Valencia forever.

Is it cool?

Smoke cigarettes inside? No, it's awesome. And which I smoked a cigarette which I haven't done in a really long time and oh, my throat hurts.

Why would you do that?

I don't know. Because it just looked fun and. But then it makes me sick all day. And I was out with a bunch of friends and it was super fun. And we were walking around the streets. San Francisco. Walking from one place to the next.

I need to get in this bowling alley now.

Okay, I'll take you there. I'll take you there. My friend's in charge of the thing. The operation. So. Yeah, that's right. What'd you do? You were up to 1am you couldn't sleep? What are you really doing? Are you ready to share?

No, seriously, I just. I just couldn't sleep. I was, like, really tired yesterday. And then.

I just went home and I didn't even. I can't even tell you what I was watching on tv. I was so tired.

Got it.

And really into sharing what I saw on television.

You want to share what you saw on television?

No, I'm really into that, but I can't even remember what I was watching.

Okay, Well, I hope you get some sleep tonight. We have to talk about. Oh, so that we'll be doing a live show at Treasure Island. Oh, like, it's for real. It's all happening. Yeah.

Oh, sweet.

So that I was thinking about you. Because I was thinking in my mind, like, you probably went to some music festival this weekend or like. But it's not even the weekend. Like, I was thinking just now because I haven't seen you since yesterday. Since two days ago. I was thinking, like, you've done something. I'm out of it, too. That's not good. You and I have to be.

Yeah.

So I'm not really out of it. But anyway, let's keep it together.

Treasure Island Music Festival. All right, I'm gonna break it down.

Break it down. You're gonna drive.

I'm gonna take the wheel right now. Because I was trying to give you the wheel and the wheel was all over the place like a crazy woman. So anyways, this is really exciting. There's a music festival here. I think it's gonna be the fourth year. Don't quote me. Where they have a music festival on Treasure Island. So Treasure island is actually island in the middle of the bay that's in between Oakland, California and San Francisco, California. And they bring on a bunch of acts to play on this island. And it's really cool. And I think the headliners this year are Empire, Emperor of the sun and Deaf Cat for Cutie.

I love Death Cap for Cutie.

You would. And apparently, you know somebody that's throwing the help throw the festival, and they're gonna let us do a show there.

Yes, we're gonna be doing a show.

So that's gonna be really cool. So I'm going to maybe try to make some calls and see if I can get any. Anybody famous to stop by.

That would be awesome. I would love that. So, but people, if you're going or come Stanford, just go for this festival. It's amazing. We're going to be there. Yeah.

Come say hi. Look for us.

Come say hi. And then. Yeah, it'll be fun. Thanks. We'll have a good time. Yeah, I meant to tell you that, but I figured I could just tell you now that it's all happening and then my book launch party too is happening, but I don't want it to be on your birthday. When's your birthday again? October 20th, 28th. Okay. Okay. Avoiding that because I'm doing my book launch coming out. It's called Hot Sex. You can pre order it now on Amazon or wherever. But it's doing a big book party. There's a lot of sex with Emily stuff coming up that I want people to be a part of.

Good.

Yeah. Okay.

Are you gonna have performers, DJs?

I don't know. Do you want DJ?

You have to be there and walk out. Really? Like I haven't really. I have need to plan it. I'm not a big party planner, but I need to plan this party.

I'm helping plan a birthday party for my. My co worker for her birthday party.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Aren't you guys. Don't you guys do a birthday party together?

Yeah, but I decided I don't want to. I don't want to be a part of it this year.

I don't know who this is. I'm not gonna get it.

It should be off anyway.

Yeah. Okay.

Are you on drugs? Like what the hell, man? Like you're adding like crazy.

I know, I know. Really?

Yeah. It's very hard to like get through.

It is. Okay. Maybe I should take a picture.

Let's get together. Okay. Let's turn off the phone together. We're doing a show.

Okay.

Turn it off. No one's that important. They can talk.

It's off. I didn't know it was on. We were running a little late today. There's a lot going on. Okay. There's a lot going on. Okay. What's going on?

Really? Yeah, I mean, it's just. It's just all work crazy stuff happening. Like people.

You always say that stuff and then.

You want me to break it down. Okay. Really? Like there's stuff that we can't really talk about. But I. We are. Can I talk about. Talk about it? I mean that. Okay. Book coming out party, the Treasure island thing and writing, rewriting, bunch of stuff for the website. There's going to be some cameras here shooting some things and stuff like that. So whatever. Boring. So.

But between 1pm and 2pm I'm here with you.

I need to, like, meditate outside the door.

I don't need you to worry about that stuff.

I'm not worried. I just. My brain is.

I don't need you to worry about that.

I'm not worried. I feel great.

I'm here with you.

Yeah, but you were sleeping.

You told me.

And then I think I got.

I was gonna just let you take the wheel and let me comment.

What'd you say?

I was gonna just let you take the wheel and I was gonna comment, but obviously that can't happen.

No, that can happen. But now you're calling. Now you're. You're saying that I'm add. And so now I'm really super conscious and trying to be super focused, but it's not gonna happen because now you got. And I'm not on drugs. Okay, let's get into some sex in the news.

Okay. What do you got?

Okay. And then we've got emails and things like that. Okay, cool.

I'm calming down. I'm here.

I'm here to help you hear your present. Okay, I'm sweating now. Survey reveals the real reasons couples get divorced. The real reason. According to the 2011 UK survey, the number one reason couples divorce. What do you think it is?

The love is gone.

Yes. They fall out of love. Bumping extramarital affairs from its long standing. Eight years, to be exact. Number one spot. Isn't it interesting? It just moved from falling out of love from extramural affairs, which is what you think. So surveys found that couples are more willing to work through a partner's sexual indiscretions than they are through a dry, loveless relationship.

But I think a lot of it, too, is just. They don't try. They don't try. No, exactly.

That's why we. Right.

Because one of them is going to find some other hot chick or hot guy, Facebook, and they're gonna be focusing all their energy and their love on that and thinking about their situation and thinking their situation sucks. Instead of not being online and working on it right there with the person that you married, that you went through all this stuff. And I was actually talking with my assistant today where her and I are gonna start being pissed when people get divorced that we went to their wedding. You made it. Sit through all that crap.

Yeah. Buy you a free food gift.

All right. And then now you get divorced. Like, that's a bunch of crap.

Yeah.

So what are you gonna do? Like, I don't know, throw a hate party or something? I start a hate campaign. Hate mail campaign.

Start just talking shit openly.

Right?

Be like, that's like, really?

I had to sit through your boring ass wedding and then you.

Right. I had to go to the church.

Your wedding sucked, and now you're getting divorced. That is awful.

No, it should be harder to get divorced. It should be harder to get married and divorce the whole thing. I get it. I get it. You're right. You're absolutely right. And I'm trying to think. Many weddings I've been to, people divorced. Several, including my parents. Four of my parents weddings.

Sweet.

Yeah.

Attended for my parents weddings. For us 25. That was a good time. So anyway, I come from. Yeah, the divorce. So they. They.

I don't know.

Okay. So anyway, I'm surprised. Oh. So I have a lot of friends right now who are married. This is insane. And they are going through this whole. What is love? I have my best friend from growing up. She's been with someone for like 10, 15 years. She just commented. She's like, I need to know what love is. Like, I don't understand. Like, they're all like. They've together now a while, and it's. It's. You have to work on it. I agree. And that's how we do the show because we. I really want people to. Who have been together a long time to not just throw the relationship in the toilet for some Facebook ex that you.

I know. And that stuff never works out.

It never works out. But, you know, the thing is weird I was talking about this last night is that what they miss is they miss the butterflies that you get when you start dating someone new. So people are addicted to, like, the newness thing. You don't get that when you're with someone, but that's okay. You rekindle it within your relationship and you do some of these sex tips that we give every day and you bring that into your relationship.

It was. There's actually a viral video that just started floating around today. I don't know if you heard about it, but it's this old couple and they're trying to figure out how to take a photo of themselves with the computer, but they accidentally hit record video.

Okay.

So they're just like, talking and they're looking through their other photos and hit. And the. The old man is like, oh, you look. You look really good there. Your hair looks really good. And, you know, you should have, you know, pulled down your dress a little bit and let the. The boob show a little bit more. And they're.

How old are they?

They're like. They're have to be mid-70s.

Okay. That's so cute. So it's like a couple going, honey, I can't quite find the button, but it's on. And then they're like.

So they're just going back and forth fourth. And they're flirting with each other and stuff like that. It's. It's pretty cute.

Pretty funny. If they start having sex right there.

On the computer, just like type on YouTube. Maybe old people can't use computer.

Okay.

You'll find it.

I love that.

You can put it up on sex, right?

Yeah. We need to do more stuff like that. That's a great idea. That's cute. Okay. Six surprising habits that could hurt a man's sex life.

Okay.

I wonder if you're doing any of these manuscripts. In the past, erectile dysfunction, which affects 20 to 30 million American men, has been chalked up to factors like anxiety, stress, smoking, and bad hygiene. While vagra and other pills can offer solution, there's something else men can do to ensure they perform better in bed. Check their habits. So take bikers, for example. Man who bikes more than three hours a week risks damage to certain nerves. A hard bike seat can compress the perineum. Wow. Men who forget to floss their teeth. So flossing teeth is huge. Too many forget to floss their teeth. Increase the bacteria in their gums. You have to flush. Disruptive snoring.

That helps me not get a wiener.

I mean, yeah, a boner. Sorry, that helps you not get a boner. You have. I'm sure you have a wiener. But not get.

I lose my wiener for not flossing is huge.

It can add six or seven years to your life. Yeah. You lose your erection because you haven't been flossing. What? Yeah, flossing is huge. Like, that is the most important thing you could do for your health. Doctors say this all the time. Have you ever seen this? Heard studies about flossing. My family's, like, obsessed with it. Like, you have to floss your teeth and. Yeah, it's important. And now everyone will. Man. Maybe that's the big reason. Okay, the biggest one, disruptive snoring or sleep apnea is a red flag too. Men should also be cautious. What. What medicines they're taking. Erectile dysfunction, I mean, antidepressants, blood pressure lowering drugs is a side effect of many antidepressants, Whatever, Serotonin. Lastly, if they have any pelvic injuries or severe trauma. So just eat fresh foods, it says, and do stuff like that. Do Kegel exercises. You can buy my Kegel camp app. Work out, work out, eat. Well. It's all the things that are good for everything. But. But it's not just what people think.

I told you I stopped drinking soda and I feel so much better.

So does this mean that you're not having caffeine at all or you're still having caffeine?

I. These are when I'm really tired. But I. I need to stay up. I'll have maybe one Red Bull. Red Bull. Sugar free. I love sugar free Red Bull. Or I'll have a. A five hour energy, but that's it. But so in the morning, all the rest.

So in the morning. Were you drinking sodas too?

Yeah, I drink sodas all the time. 24 7.

And you just did headaches and was it all. How did you not. How did you not have like caffeine withdrawal and all that stuff? Because I want to give up stuff. Coffee.

And I'm just like a cold turkey person.

Yeah. I wonder how long it's going to last. You'll be drinking soda maybe in a few weeks.

No, I think it's forever.

You've done this before? See, that's.

No, no, I've done. I've done things like that before. Like what? I want to remember. I saw one day I was like, oh, I'm going to stop eating meat. And I stopped eating meat for a year and a half.

Wow.

I can just.

That's amazing.

I just can cut on.

You can cut people off too.

Yeah. That's why I don't.

Understand addiction. Too.

Right.

It's very hard for me to understand because you just go, dude, just.

Just stop.

Yeah, just stop it.

So many psychological things to addiction. That's. That's impressive. I'm not great with that stuff. I try to quit things and it's hard. I'm working on it. Okay. New Sarah Palin biography. Did she cheat on Todd?

I read about this.

What do you think? Did she cheat? Joe McGinnis's highly anticipated Sarah Palin biography is almost here. And the first leaks are setting the bar pretty high. The national inquiry reports Wednesday. The book describes Palin's alleged drug use and sexual escapades. Who hasn't used drugs in the sexual escapades? Really? It's not a biography. If someone didn't have drug use or sexual escapade.

They said she's done coke. She was doing coke and she was.

Wow. She smoked marijuana with a professor. Good. That makes me like her more. She snorted cocaine off an oil drum.

Yeah.

She had a one Night Stand with NPR star Glenn Rice, who reportedly confirms the encounter. And she cheated on Todd with his snowmobile dealer and business partner. That's hilarious. Of course it was a snowmobile dealer.

Yeah.

In Alaska. That's hilarious. I like her more if she does. She's. That makes her more interesting.

She's a human being.

She's human. She's not like this perfect, like, stuff for white. No one's Republican.

Nobody's perfect.

Nobody's perfect. She smoked.

Yeah.

I think that's great. Good for Sarah Palin. Whatever. People will like her more. She'll get more votes.

I don't condone the Ching stuff.

No, we don't.

It's very horrish. But going out and partying and doing coke and smoking weed. Hell yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, come on.

Should go to college. So Sarah Palin. But I guess. I mean, people will read it because people love that kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Talk deep to me, baby. Baritone voices help women's memory. Apparently, women remember objects that are presented to them more accurately when they are introduced by a deep male voice opposed to a higher pitched male voice. The study conducted by David Smith says that our mate choice and the accuracy of women's memory that the first time. Okay. It shows the first time that a low masculine voice is important both in terms of mate choice. And so we choose our mates based on their voice. Like men with more testosterone.

To remember objects and stuff like that.

To remember objects. Can you just.

That's weird because, you know, if I bring a bunch of girls into a shop that has a. A gay guy selling stuff, he. He'll sell everything they are listening to everything he has to say.

Yeah.

And more. He will sell them the entire makeup counter.

Yeah. But they don't have to. Yeah, that's true.

Maybe they're just in a daze. Like, they don't. They're not actually shopping.

We don't talk about shopping here. We're talking about other things, apparently. Women. So the objects from it. But it's like. I think it's like how they learn things and stuff too. Like good memory. Like if you're trying to read. If you're trying to learn.

Yeah.

A new task or something. I don't have a man.

You gotta look for teachers with deep voices. Maybe actually learn.

Exactly. But. But Another study from March 2011 has found that when choosing a partner, women believe that the lower a man's voice, the more likely he will cheat.

What?

Deep male voices indicate higher testosterone levels, which are tied to adulterous behavior. According to the Researchers. Same thing goes for higher female voices, except for with estrogen levels, they're more likely to cheat. Do I have a high voice? I used to. I mean, do I still have a high voice?

I don't think so.

When I was little, I sounded like I was sucking on helium.

Really?

So wherever I went, people were like, oh, my God, she sounds like I would talk like this. I have a tape of it somewhere. My voice was like this, and it was really grating. I think it was cute. But then I sounded like Mickey Mouse. But I. But you wouldn't think my voice was high right now.

No.

Okay, good. Because I don't want to be more likely to be a cheater.

So we like lower voices.

Well, the girls with the higher voices, they think are a lot ditzy. Ditzier.

Right.

And then Dixie girls you always think are cheaters, too.

I was okay. Yeah, that's true. I always thought that I had a high voice, but I'm glad I don't anymore. So anyway, that's interesting.

You smoked it away.

I do feel kind of husky right now that I smoked a cigarette. It was really good, though.

Oh, God, I love it. Is it.

Smoking is amazing. Really love it.

I. I smoke cigarettes.

Once in your life?

No, when I. When I drink just to be funny, because all my friends will be smoking. So then I'll just put a cigarette in my mouth, and I'll just put it, like, all funn different ways. I go, look at me. Look at me. I'm hella cool right now. Look, look, I'm cool. And then I'll have, like, it barely hanging off my lips.

Like your party antics.

Yeah, look, I'm better. I'm so much cooler than you. And then I'll, like, I'll take. I go, hurry, let me see your cigarettes. And I'll put, like, all three cigarettes in my mouth, and I'll just do crazy. I'm hilarious.

But I did. I don't know if I told you this, but I was out with some radio friends in New York, and when they moved to New York, they got really into smoking cigars.

Yeah, like, people do that.

That was their. That was their thing. And in Times Square, across the street from the W Hotel is a cigar store. We go there, and they go, yeah, let me buy cigars. And they're like, $30.

Yeah, they're expensive.

And they go, let me buy you one. I go, okay. So it was two my buddies and one buddy had his wife also. So she. She was smoking one with us, and she's like, oh, I'm feeling lightheaded. I can't. I can't smoke this. I go, oh. And I was, you know, wasted, and I was being funny. Oh, here, give me your cigar. And I was already smoking my cigar. So I go, look at this. I'm smoking two cigars at the same time. Oh, my God.

Headache.

I just started. I thought I was gonna die. I thought I was gonna die. I started. Everything started spinning. I gotta go. And I went into the W Hotel and I went and puked in the bathroom, and I put my head on. On the sink, and they said that I was gone for 40 minutes.

Oh, my God. From the smoke. From this.

We're smoking two of the cigars at the same time.

Oh, my God. That is so. Yeah, that happens. Totally happens to smoke. That happens with me because I don't smoke anymore. But when I'm drinking and I smoke, I get nauseous and my friends won't let me smoke because I get nauseous and weird and I pass it. Like, I, like, almost throw up from the smoke because that. That totally makes sense.

Let's see, the thing is, like, cigar.

Smoke is even more so.

Yeah.

So when you're drunk and you smoke, it can make you sick.

Yeah. So I go back. Going back to, like, smoking the cigarettes. I. That's why I don't understand. Because it does nothing for me. Like, I don't go, oh, my God, I want to have one.

It's a habit. Terrible. Yeah. Quit it. Had to quit that.

Isn't it bad for your sex life, too?

Yes. Terrible for your sex life. It is.

But why do people want to smoke after having sex?

Because you want to smoke after everything. When you smoke, you're a smoker. You want to smoke with good things, bad things, happy things, sad things. Like, just anything that happens in your life, it's a habit. Like, you're like, whenever you're having an extreme emotion or you're on a phone call or you're driving or you're doing something, you're like, I just want to smoke, smoke, smoke. So, yeah.

Does it actually, I was like, give you, like, a high or something?

Yeah. You think that it's calming you down, but it's really not. It's making you more stressed and anxious. But you think it calms you because you've trained your mind to think that it is that you've. You. It's a habit. So you think that it's. But it's making you more stressed. So then the second you. For like a second it might, but then it. Like.

The nicotine. You're giving your body nicotine, and then the nicotine withdrawal is what makes you anxious. So then you want another cigarette, and you carry another one. Another one. So really it's the nicotine that's creating this vicious cycle.

Does it make you horny?

No, it doesn't.

So why use it?

Because.

When you're drinking and you're.

Have you ever smoked before?

Before sex?

Before sex?

Yeah, I've smoked, like, before, after, during. I smoke during sex, for sure. I think that's familiar to me. Like. Like having a cigarette burning and, like, having sex and, like. Yeah, like, I dated a smoker and we were like, smoke before, smoke after. It's. There's something about it. You've never been a smoker. It's just.

No, it's. It's draining. I. We talked about this the other day.

God, I hope my mom never lets you know. She doesn't know.

Oh, no. Just making out with the smoker.

It's disgusting. I know it's horrible, but there's something about. It's just. Yeah, I love them. Like, I see a pack, I'm like, I love you. We used to be bff, and I just want to, like, make out with it. It's gross. Disgusting. Okay. Michelle Williams. I'm practicing her sexy Marilyn Monroe wiggle. Michelle Williams was cast to portray Marilyn Monroe in the upcoming film My Week With Marilyn. The blogosphere exploded with negative criticism. They said that she wasn't physically designed for the role, that she was too thin to portray the curvy, sexy film star, and she couldn't pull it off. So she tells the magazine she tried to match the star's curvy physique by gaining weight, but confided that all the pounds went straight to her face. So she said. I remember one moment being all suited up as Maryland and walking from my dressing room onto the soundstage practicing my wiggle. There were three or four men gathered around the truck, and I remember sitting there watching me come and feeling there watching me go, da, da, da, da, da.

Anyway, who's she again?

Michelle Williams. She's an actress.

What was she in?

What was she in?

Oh, she was married to what's His Face who died.

Oh, yeah. But she's not, like, super famous yet.

She kind of is famous. She's on the COVID a bunch of magazines and stuff, right?

I don't know her.

I can't believe you don't know someone.

If I don't know her, she's not famous.

Speaking of not knowing anything.

And the guy that died was Heath Ledger, by the way.

Thank you.

I know that.

Good. I was trying to come up with that too. So I have not watched TV yet at all.

You have cable, right?

Uh huh.

Oh my God.

You. You have to set up my dvr. You were gonna do that and you did.

I'm down.

Okay.

But you.

Oh, email me what shows I should start watching.

Feedbackextelby.com you haven't cable ever gatherings to go to? You don't have time for me.

I do have time for you. I've got plenty of time. My whole life is time. That's all I've got. Okay.

Do we got emails from the people?

We've got emails from the peeps.

All right, what do the people Want to know? Feedbackexwithelmy.com if you have any suggestions.

Okay. This is an awesome email. Yeah. Feedbackexelmi.com or there's a really easy Q and A button on our website that you just go to and you send me an email with your questions, comments, concerns. Okay. This is an email from Jeff. He doesn't say where he's from, but he emailed me last week and said you have a very new fan of the show because I put your advice into practice. It's a long story, but it had three very happy endings for her first time to three. So it was her first time having an orgasm of three. She couldn't wait to look you up online. Okay. So I emailed him and I was like, what happened? Like, I'm dying to know. And he sent me an email about what he learned on the show to give this woman three orgasms. All right, here we go. I almost don't know where to begin paying attention to her. Instead of doing what I thought she wanted. Going slower, starting gently and building the intensity, not spending too much time in one place, forgetting everything that worked with anybody else and concentrating on what worked for her at that moment. Once I was able to stop trying to please her and just worked on doing the things that she responded to, she relaxed and allowed herself to become a sexual being. I still haven't mastered oral sex, but it was good enough for her to want to climb on top and ride me to her first orgasm. She rested for a minute with her head on my shoulder and then I started moving slowly and she picked up the motion and took a second to finish. It was a lot of different things that I picked up from listening to you. And they all worked together to give her the experience that I wanted from her. For her. She was like, wow, where did that come from? And I said, blame it on Emily. Hope you're well know your schedule is crazy, but what you and your team are doing is making a difference. Thanks, Jeff. That is, like, why I live. This is. This is why I live and this is why I exist on the planet is for this. This woman had three orgasms. She never had orgasm. Like, I want to, like, send her something. A medal.

Send her a medal. She should have, like, special stickers.

We are printing stickers. But sex special stickers.

Special stickers.

We are printing our sex family T shirts.

Emily gave me an orgasm.

I had sex family. And all I got was a T shirt is what the T shirts are gonna say. Don't you love that?

I do.

We've been talking about it for five years, but I'm really actually printing them. So anyway, you have nothing to say about that? I think you're giving me the move on look and I'm giving you the this is an amazing email look. Like, he did all the things that I talk about. Slowing down, paying attention to what she wants.

And then she was able to feel more comfortable. He forgot what every woman did in the past. These are like tips that I. This is. These are like all my tips. Encapsulated one. I don't even know this guy.

You should post that on sex with Enemy dot com.

I really should. Okay, okay. I'll move on now.

Okay.

Hi, Emily and Menace. I love this show. So I'm gonna get straight to the point. My boyfriend and I have been discussing our fantasies. One of my fantasies. To have a threesome with another woman and him. But I've ruled. I want to be with someone we don't know. No kissing and she has to leave as soon as we're done. Pretty much with no emotional attachment. Am I asking for too much? How do you initiate a three summit? How do you find a ready, available, and attractive female without having to pay for it? From Michelle.

You read that?

I did, did I? Why is it on here again?

I don't know.

I did. It sounded really familiar, but we went.

Just in case people missed it. It's just.

It sounded so familiar. But I was thinking it was like when. Yeah. Okay. We did.

Well, we can recap it real quick. We. We kind of suggested. We suggested that it would probably be right. As a female, if you're the one trying to get the other female, it would be probably pretty easy for you.

Yeah. But never go within. Yeah, yeah.

With somebody that you know.

Yeah, yeah.

To somebody. Somebody Random. There, there's is websites that you. I'm sure you can find somebody.

Adult friend finder.

Yeah. But if you're not into like the people that probably do that all the time, then I would kind of, you know, just go to some. Go to some bars.

Go to some bars, go to some play. But I mean in San Francisco we've like play parties like my intern Alicia talked about last week when she went on.

I don't know where to say where.

Does say where she lives. But I'd be happy to email Michelle if you email me. I will send you some things. There might be some things in your city. Every city has like swingers or people who.

I know, but sometimes you just like. You know what? I don't want to have the, the bisexual chick that's done this a billion times.

Right. You just want some. Right. Well, you're talking from guys perspective. You'd want a chick who hasn't done it.

Yeah. No, not that she hasn't done it before, but she's not like out there.

Right. A bunch of couples.

Yeah. And she's like in all the clubs and all that stuff.

Right, right, right. I think you just have to. I think you just have to put it out there and be glad that you guys are open to it and it'll. It'll happen. It'll happen. Might not happen like tomorrow. It's not the kind of thing that you can orchestrate, but I think it would happen soon enough. If you start, you'd be surprised what can happen later.

Stay off Craigslist though.

Don't go Craigslist.

Don't do Craigslist.

Okay. Hey, Emily. I'm a new listener and I've been catching up on past episodes. There was one I specifically interested in the dating advice and asking women out in the office. I found the advice to be helpful as I'm a little bashful in this area. You're just do it. You're just do it. If she says you aren't any worse off than before, point was not completely accurate. I won't present myself as a typical male, but if a guy is like me, he meets more women through work than anywhere else. Asking out the wrong woman could get him a very unpleasant trip down to HR and reputation as the office tail chaser. To be on the safe side, I don't ask women out I work with. Although I do not think there should be rules against workplace dating. What if you find your one true love in the next door cubicle? But the workplace does complicate things. And can be all sorts of. Of consequences.

Well, it's up to your company. I know all about this.

Menace sleeps with everyone in his office. So what do you think? Menace? What are you saying? No, you don't see that in your office anymore?

No, I never do that. No, no. Some companies don't have policies, but some do.

I. I just say that I think.

I get. Yeah, right. Some. Could you check your company policy? But if you do meet people at work, that's where you meet more people, I think, is you're likely to meet people more through work.

Yeah. This is the deal.

Unfortunately, you're a man. It is.

Extremely touchy. Like you can be hit with a sexual harassment suit very easily. I'm not saying that men don't sexually harass women, because they do. I know from personal experience. Not me doing it to anybody, but I know cases that it's happened. But as a man, you have to be very, very careful. You have to make sure that they are.

Really interested. Like, if you want to hang out with. If you want to hang out with one of your co workers, invite them to, like, a group setting.

Right. Okay. I've never worked for companies, so I don't really know.

Don't.

I'm just like. If you like her, don't act.

No, don't do that. Because you might get caught up. So what you do is do a group setting. It's a Friday, drinks, happy hour, happy hour. A couple invite, you know, everybody in the building, and then you maybe get to know them a little bit better, they show interest there, then you're most likely. You're good.

Right?

Yeah.

If they get wasted at the happy hour and take her home or something.

And take her home, maybe that'll be your master plan. But I definitely. If all that stuff that you do has to be like a group. Group setting.

Right. Okay. So it really is where you find out where you have policies against people dating still.

There's a lot.

Really?

Yeah, there's a lot.

Never worked for Company. Really? Ever. Never.

Yeah. I worked with nothing but Company, so.

Funny.

We've had totally. But you've had the whole corporate, like, experience. Yeah.

So that's why I'm always. That's why you and I have always so many issues. Because I work for so many companies. I have to go through so many policies, go through so many programs.

You're right. That's why we have some issues.

Yeah. I go through, like, FCC training, all this stuff. And then you just want to throw all that stuff out the door and like, what do you mean you can't say this? What do you mean you can't do that? I'm like. Because it's a policy.

I was referring to when I was on the radio. Live, terrestrial radio. This was assigned to my show. And I was like, I can't say masturbation 800 times in five minutes.

No, you can't.

I went through FCC training.

You didn't read it.

I did.

No effing way. You read it.

Yes, I read it. I did read it.

I think.

Not before. Yeah, I did read it. I did read it.

Lies.

Yes. But now we can swear and stuff, so it's so much better. Okay, so, yeah, work with him. But I do have to say that most people meet if they're meeting online, and the second most popular place they meet is at work.

Yeah.

So what are you going to do? Just be careful.

It just sucks because when it does, if it does end at work, you know, you still have to see that person.

Right?

Make sure the person that you date is really cool. Fortunately, every girl that I've hooked up with is in a work situation. I make sure that they're cool.

How many really at your office have you hooked up?

What?

How many hooked up with.

What are you talking about?

Oh, God. You said it, menace. That's how I get my information.

I can still count them on my hand.

One hand.

Maybe I need another one.

You've been at the company a long time, so what's a guy gonna do? Okay. Emily.

Hey. I got nothing but time over there.

I know. Okay, this is kind of a long one, but it's. It's good. I wonder if we should get into this. I think. I think I might save this till tomorrow and get into our sex. Okay. Because I really like this one, but I think I want to get into the crazy sex. Vagina and penis accidents.

I know. This is what I've been waiting for. Please tell me.

Okay, here's the vagina accidents first.

Okay, Everybody Google blue waffle right now.

Blue waffle?

Yeah.

Why?

Don't do it. Okay, but they're gonna do it anyway.

Okay. Whatever. Okay. All right. Crazy vagina and penis accidents. Vagina ready. Number one. One woman was admitted to the ER complaining of abdominal pain. When doctors took a closer look at these, discovered an entire chicken in her vagina.

No way.

She explained that she was not able to have children. I was hoping the chicken would turn into a baby.

These are not something when you do when you're super high. Right? Right.

Probably you're like, oh, maybe this Chicken will turn into a baby. Yeah. They're not saying if these people are on drugs or not. Or super drunk. Okay. Number two, beware of the ski douche. This is a polite way of explaining what happens when a water skier falls back backward in the water with such great speed and force, it causes a flood of water to rush into the vagina and cause lacerations. Some of these are not that pleasant.

Oh, that sucks.

Ouch. That would hurt.

Yeah.

Some of these make you. But they're kind of funny and interesting and things. This is actually useful for people, like what not to do. But be careful. Like, don't stick a chicken in your vagina, for example. Okay. An elderly woman complained she had vines growing out of her vagina. It was a vine growing. The potato plant in her vagina. She put it in there to keep her sagging uterus in place. She put a potato in her vagina and then the vines started growing? Yeah.

Where the hell did you get this information?

These are all true. I've heard about this. Like, we got them online, but I heard. I mean, I know doctors who talk about the emergency room. There's always, like, every night. There's no.

It's all crazy women. It's all crazy women.

Wait till I get to the penis. Okay.

Number four. Allison Henry's vagina literally fell out of her body when she was wiping herself. This condition is technically known as the vaginal prolapse.

What?

Yeah. Her vagina just fell out? Yeah. Okay. A Florida woman caused a serious car crash when she decided to shave her vagina while driving.

Who does that? Was she on a date or something? She was on her way.

She was on her way to Key west where she'd be vacationing with her boyfriend, but her ex husband was in the passenger seat. Passenger seat?

What? Chain.

Heaven's in Florida, though. That doesn't surprise me. Okay. A woman checked into the ER with pelvic pain. Doctors removed a set of car keys from down there. She didn't want her boyfriend taking the car, so she hid him in place where he never goes.

Oh, my God.

Very bright.

Painful. Painful. These are painful. These are, like, hard to read. Okay. A woman made her OB GYN sweat when an X ray revealed that her vagina was locked and loaded. Okay, ready? The doctor performed emergency surgery so the woman wouldn't shoot her uterus. Only discover that it wasn't actually a gun. It was a cigarette lighter shaped like a gun. A companion to the crack pipe, also in her vagina. So she stuck cracking a thing. Yeah, people don't stick things in your vagina, people. But they're all fucked up, that woman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, ready? We're on to the penis accidents.

Well, see now the penis thing is just like. Oh, he stuck his wiener there. He stuck his wiener here. Watch. Okay, tell the stories.

Indian boy claims that while cleaning his fish tank, he had to pee. Rather than put the tiny fish down, he took it to the potty with him and it swam upstream into his penis. ER doctors could catch a slippery fish with forceps, but they had to hook it like a kidney stone and pull it out. Doesn't that make you hurt?

Wait, a fish swam? Ugh. What the hell?

How does it do that?

That's scary.

Isn't that scary?

Yes.

Okay, go on. In 2007, a 30 year old Australian man wasn't paying attention on the job. And now he may not be able to get the hand or blow kind of. The Salma worker got his woody caught in the log moving mechanism.

Yeah, he got it caught in a log and he's. Yeah, he got it caught and got it cut off in a log moving.

All right, so he was at. He was at work.

Yeah.

And he was at the log cutter. And then he sawed off his own wiener.

Yep. Got caught. I don't know how that happens. How does it happen?

Well, you're. If you're working around machinery, your clothes can get caught on a lot of stuff.

That's why you had penis accidents.

I haven't had. I haven't had a penis accident. No.

Okay. I'm just curious to ask you.

I've definitely been like skateboarding. I hit myself in the penis.

Right, right, right.

Where it would just be, you know, the board will pop up and hit me. But nothing like too drastic.

Okay. Okay. While a secretary was giving him his head in his car, a delivery truck accidentally hit the vehicle. As she was thrown off him, she blew, bit down and took the penis flying with her. She bit off his penis?

My God. Are you serious?

Yeah. So that's all roadhead. Roadhead. Not a good idea. Well, he hit someone and he was. She bit it off. Like she was. She wasn't using teeth. But he got in an accident. She was giving him oral sex.

I understand. I'm just thinking of man. There was so much force.

Yeah. Like maybe she was deep throating it at that time.

Damn.

I don't know. She cut it off with her. Yeah. So be careful with roadhead. Even though it seems.

I mean, I wonder if they could reattach it.

Doesn't say it Did. It doesn't give us the whole like what happened.

It just tells us they did with John Wayne Bobbitt. They were able to put his wiener back on it. He ended up doing porn.

Porn.

Hilarious.

Everyone know about the Bobbitt story?

I don't know if everybody.

I don't know when she, Lorraine Bobbitt, Lorena Bobbitt was.

Was a crazy biatch. And she. She chopped off her husband's wiener, ran out the house with it, drove down the street, threw it onto the side of the road. And police were able to show up enough time, find his wiener, put it on ice, and they were able to reattach it.

Right.

And this guy, you know, he didn't have any normal job. He was like kind of a loser. So he wasn't able to get a corporate gig after that. So he ended up doing porn. Porn.

Yeah. That's what happens. Everyone does that, right. Eventually. Except for us. Okay, got it. That's a great story. Okay.

Don't call me out.

What year was that? That happened like in. I feel like it was like it was the 80s. 80s.

It was 80s.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. A man, okay. A poor. A poor victim of a street game assault. Went into ER with bad abdominal ache. Three days later. He had avoided seeking medical care because he was an illegal worker in India. Doctors couldn't figure out what the problem was until they X rayed his penis. Apparently the thug shoved a two inch nail up his urethra.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't say that.

I know. These are really. Actually, these are. Yeah. Okay. A man decided to surprise his love with a flower stuck in his penis. He plucked a geranium from the garden in and inserted the stem up his urethra. Unfortunately, the hairy fibers on the stem tore his urethra to shreds and he needs to have surgery. Oh, why are people so dumb? These are hard. I need a break from these because they hurt my penis. I don't even have a penis. Like it painful. Okay. A Chinese man had the good fortune of becoming the first penis transplant recipient.

What? No way.

44 year old man was blessed with a new penis from a guy half his age. But although the transplant was a success, the surgeon reported he had the new package removed. Because of the wife's psychological rejection as well as the swollen shape of the transplanted penis. He had it removed. She rejected it. His wife psychologically rejected the new penis. She wasn't down. But it doesn't say why he had to have a new penis.

Hold on. So I'm Missing a penis.

I get a new penis and then my wife doesn't like it. So I have to get rid of the new penis. Yeah, bitch, I don't have a penis. I understand that you don't.

I know, but she didn't like it.

But this is what I need.

Happy wife, happy life. Have you ever heard that?

Happy wife, happy life, new wife, swollen fat penis. My half my age penis.

I'm going psychological. Take some Prozac. What's the problem?

Out in the town in China, I'm banging so many chicks. I'm the guy that has the new penis. Everybody, hello. And I'm ready. I'm in town and I'm ready to pound.

He got a new guy half his age.

Yeah. I would dump that bitch so quick. So quick.

Right?

If she made me remove my new penis.

I understand.

F that.

I know, I know, I know. Who are these people?

Just more proof that women are the devil.

We're the devil, but we are also.

What?

Like, I just. Women rule the world. Really?

Are you?

Yeah, we really do. You never. Have you ever heard that though? Like, happy wife, happy life. Like, it's really true. I know so many guys who are.

Like, they just being down. Guys just being down, like they just don't want to hear it anymore.

What was that text that you email that you sent me?

Oh, I just sent you email. It was going back to. It's a different subject, but there was.

Something about women, some negative thing. It was something. It reminded me of your going off on your I hate women rant. It was, it was. It was connected to that. So my ad just connected two scenarios that are similar.

It's not, it's not really that similar, but it was a thing where I was.

Penis accidents left. So tell me.

It's about celebrity women. When they become successful, when they started getting more movie roles and more in the public eye, they always dump their man. And what I sent you before the show was there's an article about Anna Faris, who's the actress. I might have seen her in like scary movies. She was in a lot of. A lot of, I don't know, a lot of movies.

Right.

But she has admitted, she goes, yeah, when I started getting more successful, I had a better career. That's. I just.

That's why men do too. They dump their wives and they date women half their age.

No, they don't.

They do is they become more successful. Yeah, they do all the time. They get more money, they get more successful. They cheat, they have affairs and they date women that look like they're wives and half their age.

Okay, they may do that. But I'm just. I'm just focusing on women celebrities and saying that it happens every single.

Only with women celebrities or women business people as well. You think it just.

Maybe it happens in women business people. But women business people are not on tmz.

And true that.

All these other things.

So women get successful and they dump the guy. Yeah. Because he's lazy and sitting around living off of her.

Oh God. Maybe it was. It was all good before. Before she was famous. Like they were. They were in a relationship and they both had. They're on equal.

Why is he just sitting around waiting for her to like bring home the bacon?

I mean, it's not that easy to get movie roles. I'm sorry. If for significant other actor or maybe just has a regular job though. What's wrong with that? That now he has to try to get on her level just because now she's getting paid hundreds of thousand dollars. We don't. But I'm just saying.

And men's. A lot of times maybe it's the guys that can't handle it. Maybe they can't handle a successful woman. That happens a lot. That men are very intimidated by women who are successful.

I would embrace a successful woman.

You would?

I would totally embrace it. I'm like, go do your thing.

Right? Yeah, yeah.

Like, oh, my lady's the CEO of blah blah.

I know.

Love that.

I know. I like guys who are into that. That's cool. I mean that's.

Unfortunately, I can't find one. But I'm just saying you can't because.

You'Re gonna move outside your office place, find women that don't. You don't work with.

Sorry. I love that topic. Is that bad to say no one listens to that? No, I'm not kidding. That was years ago, right? That you did that. Okay. A 34 year old man injected a cocaine solution into his penis.

Yes.

Unfortunately, developed blood clots and gangrene that resulted in nine fingers, both legs and his penis being amputated. So don't inject cocaine into your penis.

Yeah.

Don't do drugs.

And what about if I dip my penis into alcohol? What would happen? Would I get drunk?

No.

You sure?

I don't think so.

I'm gonna hit up Dr. Drew about that one. You should, because you can. You can. You can take in alcohol anally and get drunk and get wasted.

Yeah. I don't even. Don't even. Don't even try. I don't Even know. I don't even want to know. Okay, you'll like this one. A man in Tijuana probably had too much tequila because you wanted to get a circumcision.

No.

As an adult.

No.

The man accidentally cut his whole penis off. Yeah. No. Yeah, that's what we got for you. Those are crazy penis and vagina accidents. If you got any of your own, you want to share, email us feedbackley.com.

Well, there's, like, some people that slip and then things go up their butt.

Yep, that's. I've heard that, too. We could do crazy butt accidents, too. I bet a lot of people say things up their butt.

Oh, yeah, they do. There was in Jackass. They did on purpose.

They did. I hate jackass. So. Not my humor. What they do.

They shoved a. A toy car up their butt, and then they. They went into the doctor's office. They went into the doctor's office and they go, oh, yeah, I'm having some. Having some problems, like, some down there. Like, I don't know, maybe I need an X ray. And so they show the doctor looking at. At the X ray. And then you go. It seems that you have a toy car up your ass.

See, you're laughing. You're laughing. You're like, it.

It's funny.

Yeah.

I don't think it's funny. I don't. I don't. I don't. Men love butt humor. And I was dating a guy not too long ago that was like. That was his humor. And everyone's like, he's so funny. You should date him. He's so funny, Emily. Da, da. And I dated him, and I was like, literally, it was like ass jokes and, like, butt jokes and, like, stuff like that. And same thing.

I like it. It's not too raunchy.

That's such dudes like you guys. Yeah, I don't like it either. But sticking a toy car up your butt.

But if it's toy cars of the butt, that's not raunchy.

How is that funny and Jackass is funny. Jackass makes me hurt watching that. Okay, that's all we got for you. Yes. Anything else you want to say?

No. I'm really excited. Tomorrow is free Friday, and we are also at the Stisher Studios. S T I T C H E R Get the app for your phone. It's free, and you can listen Sex with Emily wherever you go. That's how I listen to the show. Right When I'm walking down the street, I can listen to it on my iPhone.

That's awesome.

And you can also download the podcast@sex.com, right?

And.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's cool. Okay. Awesome.

Oh, and do me a favor.

Yeah.

I want to do a test, okay. With the listeners. When they Google. When they Google White Menace, do like, Google, Google White Menace has a big cock. Just do that. Just keep on doing that. So when next time, like some girl tries to. To, you know, Google me, that's the thing that's gonna pop up.

I had a dream about you last night. I just remember.

No way.

Yeah. That it wasn't about your wait minutes has become. I just remember this because I just remember that it was. It was a movie that was screening and your name, it was like some big film that came out.

Yeah.

And in the credits it said White Menace. Something. Something about you, like, as the thing. It had nothing to do with the movie, but you got like somehow because you're always getting your name doing stuff that. I don't know, it was like this huge deal that your name was like. But it had a sentence about you, but I don't remember what it said, but it was like. I was like, how did Menace get into this movie?

You were so jealous. You were so mad.

I was jealous. I was like, why does he do that? How does he get everywhere anyway? I don't know. That's story.

That was an awesome story.

You know what I hate when people share. Dream stories are never interesting and never get them. So when I was going to start tell it, I wasn't going to tell. But I wanted to tell you that I do.

Thank you that you're dreaming about me.

Thanks everyone for listening to sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback.com.

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