Erotic Tension & The Power of Yes w/ Dr. Jennifer Freed

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Where our words go, our energy goes. So when we're saying certain narratives, we make them true. If I say over and over, I have to have sex with my partner on Fridays at 6, then after about four of those, it's a burden. If I say, God, I get to every Friday at sex, look forward to this hot sex with my partner. Then after four of those, I think I'm a really lucky partner. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual. On today's show, we're welcoming back psychological astrologer Dr. Jennifer Fried. Love when Jen's on the show. We answer a lot of great questions on the show, like how do you know if someone's going to be good in bed? We give you also some unique tools for addressing low libido. We talk about pursuing a threesome or an open relationship, and we also give some great tips for how to easily create intimacy in a relationship. We talk about what your zodiac signs say or don't say about compatibility with your partner, what to do if a hookup buddy wants a relationship but you don't, and the mind blowing effects of EMDR therapy. We also talk about building erotic tension. Right. You know, it's at that sweet spot, that part of the relationship when you just can't wait to rip each other's clothes off. How do we build that? We also walk through ways to reach your power. Yes in sex. You know the yes when you're like yes, I want to do this with my partner or it's a no. How do you know if it's a hell yes or a hell no? There's some amazing wisdom nuggets in this episode. Intentions with Emily for each episode, join me in setting an intention. What do you want to get out of this episode? Well, my intention was to bring you advice to connect more deeply with yourself or your partner or both. Also, we have a new article on the site, six Tips for Mastering the Game Changing Technique of Mindful Masturbation. Ooh, it's a good one. Also remember, subscribe and rate the podcast wherever you listen. It truly helps us create a stronger show, helps keep the show free, all the things. So thank you everyone for supporting the show. And remember, if you want to ask me a question, just call my brand new hotline. It's 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5739. You can also message me@sexwithemily.com askemily all right everybody, enjoy the show.

Hi Jen.

Hi Emily. I love you.

I love you so much. Jennifer Freed, Ph.D. is the best selling author of Use youe Planets Wisely and she's a renowned psychological astrologer and social and emotional education trainer. She spent over 30 years consulting clients and business worldwide on psychological, spiritual and educational topics and you can find more about her@jenniferfree.com I just love what Jen brings because yes, she's got all the astrological insights but she pairs that with psychology and being trained in EMDR therapy. And I love having you here. Thank you Jen.

Well this is one of my favorite ways to spend an hour is with one of my all time idols of not just sexuality but just a kindness. You're just truly kind human.

Thank you Jen. Right back at you. Where do we start with this Jen? Let's talk about this. Getting to our yes, sexually. How do we get there? I mean, I often talk about, you know, it's important to fantasize and to masturbate and to know your body and be able to communicate. And I've said that if you've been listening to the show, you've heard me say it. Men's biggest challenges are that they feel shame around what they desire. They might only want desire of something that they've seen in porn, but it's not actually they don't have the breadth and depth of what's actually available because they've only been looking at sex from a very narrow point of view.

Well, also, the men I talk to have extraordinary performance anxiety. I mean, who are they being measured against and why? And frequency becomes this badge of courage and a medal of distinction where. When frequency doesn't necessarily mean satisfaction and it certainly doesn't always mean connection because a lot of people I know service men in long term relationships just to get it over with, but it's not actually a connection, it's just more like an obligation. And then that leaves men feeling super lonely and alienated. And why don't they want me? I think women and men suffer the same amount from not being truly seen and understood and having sex be an expectation instead of an invitation.

Sex is an expectation instead of an invitation. Yeah, it's exactly right. We measure sex by the frequency, which is not a way to measure it. I'd rather have sex way less frequently if I'm connected with my partner and it's fulfilling and satisfying. We just dropped a lot here, Jen. So where do we start with this?

Well, I was thinking about it today and I made some notes which, which is not really like me to do, but you know, I care about you a lot. So I thought, okay, I'm gonna break this down. And I realized that a lot of getting to our power. Yes. In sex is starting to extinguish the behaviors that are very based in victim. So here are the behaviors that we all do and now identify them. And realize none of these have to do with power. Yes. So the big one is I can't. Instead of I won't. So instead of saying to you, I won't go down on you tonight, I just can't. That's not a power move. Be willing to say what you're willing or not willing to do. Because that says a lot about your own agency and your desire. Another one is, oh, I have to get home by six so that I can get on my negligee to have the sexy sex tonight instead of I get to have to, needs to come to. I get to. If you're not saying I get to, then you're playing a victim. Next, whining instead of asserting. Oh, please, honey, why won't you do this tonight for me? Nobody likes whiners. It puts you in a baby position and then that's not very sexy. But asserting is so powerful. Instead of whining, think about what you're requesting. I'd really like you to show up for me tonight and spend more time in the foreplay than you did two nights ago. That's a very different thing than why don't you ever. Then another one is, gosh, she always makes me take a shower before we have sex. Turn makes me into, I choose. I choose to be clean and fresh and good smelling. So my partner's really excited by me.

That's all victim. That's all turning it. Before we get started with the sex, we've got a negative spin on it that we don't even realize. It's the nuance of our language. The other day I try to do I get to instead of I have to or like when I say I have to work or I have to do this, I'm like, I get to, I'm like, have my dream job, I get to record a podcast, I get to meet with my team. You know, so it's language.

And it's so important for everyone to realize that where our words go, our energy goes. And the brain is a mapping system. So when we're saying certain narratives, we make them true. So if I have, if I say over and over, I have to have sex with my partner on Fridays at 6, then after about four of those, it's a burden. If I say, God, I get to every Friday at sex, look forward to this hot sex with my partner. Then after four of those, I think I'm a really lucky partner. So the narrative tells us what we're going to experience. It basically sets the frame. Everything about sex is the framework is the fit and the frame. Are we both having the experience we want to have and how are we telling the story of it?

Oh yeah, John, that's so true. So going back to when we're talking about vulva owners, if we go back to what you said at the top, is that we don't really know what our yes is because it's based on what we think our partners want. No matter who, who we're with. How do we start with? What would be some good places to start, you think with this language, I.

Think with changing the language first. Like, I get to, I choose to, I will or I won't. And also just taking the time to say to your partner, no matter if it's female, male, they. Because, you know, everybody's everyone now. But I would say you just slow it down and say, tonight, let's spend even a half an hour on just totally mindfully going through all the parts of my body and having me tell you what it feels like to be touched there, slower, faster, what are my rhythms. And of course we change all the time. But just even for a woman, a vulva owner, to stop and start to say this is how it feels without thinking what it's like for the other is profound.

That's such a good exercise to do. So who's going to do that tonight? Who's going to slow it down tonight and have that conversation? It always starts with a conversation. You're right. We have to read, we have to define. I mean, I'm giving you guys suggestions here. We're talking to you about suggestions, but everyone gets to decide what feels good. I don't know what feels good when it's. I don't know what feels good on anyone's body. You only, you know, and you're not going to change.

And it changes. I mean, you know, God, our history is not our present. And one of the things somebody said the other day, her name's Courtney, to me, she said, the only irrefutable truth. Now really think about this. The only irrefutable truths are our feelings and our sensations. No one can tell us our feelings or our sensations are wrong. Once you get into opinions, everyone's got an asshole and an opinion. But feelings and sensations, they only belong to us in the exact way they belong to us.

And so start there, start there with, yeah, that would be such a great thing to do tonight. Whether you're alone or with a partner, say, what am I feeling right now? What does it feel like when I touch myself here or my partner touches myself, touches me slowly, and then name it. Name the feelings, name the sensations. It's the only way you're going to learn. Being mindful, slowing down.

And it will help the, you know, the men in their own performance anxieties and all of this ridiculous toxic masculinity about, like, they have to always be hard, they have to always stay long. They have like all this stuff, it's just so oppressive. What if it was like, for them, like, no, actually we're just going to focus on your pleasure without coming without you Having to do something, just lay there. Let's just see what it's like for you to receive. Wow.

I think that even taking turns like these 30 minutes about your receiving, and then now is my turn. Or tonight it's for me, tomorrow it's for you.

I just talked to a guy the other day who was saying, it's so scary to be a man right now because you grew up with the messages. You're only as sexy as you are, like a hunter, and you're virile and you go after it. But now if you go after it in the wrong way or you approach in the wrong way, you're a jerk. So there's such a mixed message of this kind of historic, long view of men as having to have incredible erections, stay hard all the time, want it all the time, they've got to tell their friends they're getting it all the time. I mean, this is really deep in male psyches. And the cost of that is they don't get to say, well, actually, I would like to just watch you masturbate, and I don't need to do anything. And, you know, there's so much prohibition of men just being receiving and men just being soft. Like, what about that?

Mm.

We're everything. The gender doesn't describe the psyche at all.

Exactly. And it's in our psyche. And you're right. And the men have these expectations that they have to always be leading and initiating. And it is about the number of times you have sex a week has nothing to do with that. You could have sex that isn't very satisfying every day of the week. That's not going to do anything for you.

Yeah. I have a story for you. A little gossipy story based on experience. So there's some guys I know, and they're all good friends, and one of the guys is single. And these guys have met for over a year listening to this one guy's conquest stories. Oh, I got with her, and I got with her and I got with her. And they've all been titillated and super excited about it until it dawns on them a year later. This guy is just a serial sex guy that isn't having any happiness and suffers from depression because no matter how many times he got his dick wet, it didn't make him happy.

Right.

And it's like this whole mythology that if you just have sex all the time, it will take care of everything, especially for men.

Right?

Absolutely true.

It's so not true. It's true. That's what we like, oh, we talk about sex. All men talk about sex more than women. Like, no, they talk about if they got laid, they didn't get laid, who they banged, who they didn't bang. But that is not quality sex or an infer or even something that's. That's valuable when it comes to sex.

No, they don't talk about that their dicks are bent a certain way or that they're flabby in the middle or that they can't stay on top top as long or that they didn't shave a certain part of their body and it's hard to go down with all that hair. You know, where are the real conversations?

That's the real. Well, we're having them here, Jen. I'm having them with you. What about if you don't? And this is something I think about a lot. Like, what if you don't have the specific words to communicate your emotions or what you want? Like, I feel like I'm always. We're always able to communicate. But how do you actually get the words around speaking your emotions and your feelings?

Well, you have an exceptional access to words as a Gemini. So you're right. Most people don't have the superpower of the words, especially once they're feeling strong sensation in their body or feeling deep feeling. Many people just get quiet, right? They don't have vocabulary at that point. It's called pre verbal. So to me, when you're in that spot of pre verbal and you don't have the words, then it's just taking a hand and slowing that person down. Maybe putting their hand on your heart, maybe just looking in their eyes and breathing. Not everything is verbal, but you can communicate a lot by the way you just touch somebody and maybe even pressure a little bit, like slow down or move it quicker or even after sex, you maybe don't want to talk. It's a very deep spiritual or reverent experience. And you can just hold each other and maybe nibble on each other's ears or just put your head on the chest. There's many ways to communicate. I think the important thing is let's not assume that sex as a mechanical thing is a communication. There's so much more going on. Right?

Yeah, that's helpful. You're right. So much of what we have to express or want to express is non verbal. That is true. And I think everything we're saying here now is tonight. Whatever sex you're going to have or when you're listening to this, try to do something different. Try to Say, you know what? Tonight, I don't want to do the same things. Let's. Let's try to connect in a different way. Let's try to slow it down. Let's try to do the best we can to express what actually feels good rather than doing falling into the same routine. I think that's the only way we're going to keep it interesting.

Yes. And then here's another thing my friend Debbie told me, which I think is super, super great thing to do to spice up the sex life, is say to your partner or the person you're dating, what are the things that we normally talk about and what do we never talk about? Just put that question out there because everybody's got forbidden conversations, and where it's forbidden, there's juice. Right? Right.

Yeah. Like, why aren't we saying there's a reason why you're not saying these things?

Yeah. And it comes down to three things. It comes down to, is it a control issue, is it a security issue, or is it an approval issue that. I'm not talking to you about this. You know, I'm with a woman. Let's say I don't want to talk to my partner about all these sex fantasies I have about men. Well. And I do. So I'm just using this. But, you know, if I didn't, it would. Because it would be a threat to my security, and I want to have control over that. Like, it can be all three. Like, oh, what if she felt rejected? What if she felt, like, threatened and she pulled away? What if she starts wanting to be with men? And I don't really want to do that. Like, you know, it's all these fear future fantasies that prevent us from having the real conversations, but they're based on these three things. Security, control, or approval. Like, some people don't want to talk about things because you might not like me as much. You might think less of me.

Right? Yes.

That's the approval stuff.

That's the approval and then control. If I'm someone who really values control and always try to dominate other people, because that gives me worth that. If I share something about maybe a vulnerability that I have or something that I need from somebody, I'll lose some control over that person completely.

So just think about, you know, if I'm somebody that's kind of always seemed very confident in the way I touch and all my moves, and I tell you a lot about my sex history, and I'm so awesome, and then underneath that, I'm starting to have a real fear of not being as attractive, and I'm, like, getting scared that my body's not functioning the same way. Wow. If I tell you that I've lost some of that control in my mind, like, you have something on me. Right.

We're going to take a quick break to hear a word from our sponsors. When we come back, Jen and I will explore what to share and what not to share in your romantic relationships. We also answer your Instagram questions, and you can find me on Instagram. Exwithemily.

Jen, you know what's just made me think of in all the years you've been doing this and I've been doing this, don't you think it comes down to most of the challenges in our relationships are from the things that we're not saying, rather than something that we did say or something that we did reveal. Right. I mean, it's.

It's the gaps. I think you're right. We all fall into the gaps. It's in friendship, too. You know, you and I could think about when we meet. What do we say? What do we don't tell each other?

Right.

There's gaps all over the place. And the gaps are all based on fear. The gaps about all intimacy are based on fear. And they come down to those three things. But it's always like, it could end up in loss somehow. And yet I know, you know, I just had lunch with a dear friend, and we're super honest with each other almost to a point of like, yeah, it's scary, but. No, really, it's like, wow, it's so revealing. But on the other hand, she's got my back. I know her, she knows me. I don't feel any question about whether she truly loves me because there's not much she doesn't know. Right?

Right.

There's not much. We fought over things. We've had, our ruptures, we've repaired. That's when you know the bond is strong, when you are not gonna be broken by a conversation or something that's revealed.

Right, Exactly. So we just actually put this out on Instagram in our stories. We said. I said, I'm talking to Jen today. Dr. Jennifer Fried. And do you have questions? And we got a bunch of questions in, and one says, and this is what you're speaking to here, Alexa says how to allow intimacy and vulnerability. So, yes, there's less risk for me to be honest with you or honest with a friend about my vulnerabilities. But how do you still keep the fire, the passion going if I'm revealing everything? To my partner when that's the. It seems like the ultimate, like my partner is going to leave me if I reveal this thing. How do you do. How do you make room for both?

I think that's a fabulous question to whoever asked that. Here's the bottom line and I had to learn it. Your partner's not your mama or your therapist. So it's not like revealing is confessing. You're not using them as your confession for all your neurotic baby thoughts and feelings. That is not appropriate. And it would lead to somebody being really turned off. The conversations for me that you must have are the ones you're avoiding that have to do with you and them. Like my whole little story about my childhood and what happened or didn't happen to me or, you know, like, that's for a therapist or a friend that's got the time. Don't lean so heavy on your partner. If you want them to be your lover, to be your mother or your father, that's not so sexy. Unless you're role playing mommy and daddy. Right.

Then we're cool with that. I actually got asked this in New York by some. Some young women who just graduated from college and they were going on their first dates and one of them said, oh, I went on a date a few weeks ago. It was like their first date. She said, I told the person too much. Like, I told him everything about me and I think I was too. I told about my childhood and my family. So there's that, like, escalation of just feeling like, well, I want this person to know my everything. So where do we. That's a little bit different because that's someone you're just meeting. But I think there is this way of knowing, like, I'm going to reveal everything because then we're going to be close. But there's stuff that you. The stuff that we're saying, the gaps and things we're not revealing are the stuff that's relevant to both of you.

Yes. And I'll go back to your person on that date.

Yep.

Revelation is not a dump. You know, like when people dump on me all their stuff, Number one, they're not in touch with me. They're just asking me to be like their priest or their mother or something. Real intimacy is about earned trust. It's not even appropriate to tell people all the things about you on the first date. You don't even know them. So it's trust through accretion of shared experiences. Trust is an accretion of shared experiences. So you And I are friends over a year or so now. I just started telling you some of my secrets. I didn't tell you right off. I don't know you. It's not appropriate. So how you really know intimacy is that each of you are kind of giving a little bit more, a little bit more. And you're building this vessel where the secrets and the vulnerabilities can be held. Don't try to throw them all in and then run and hope somebody likes you.

Right. You don't just throw everything up there and see if it sticks. You have to be, like, carefully revealing.

Yes. And really know who you're talking to. And the only way you know that is. Is bit by bit, they'll tell you something. It's a dance. You'll tell them something. And then over time, you go, wow, Emily's a really trustworthy friend. Emily's really listening to me. Emily's telling me some of her things. And that's how you keep the tension. Whether it's in friendship or with lovers of erotic tension, you've got to have otherness. Otherness is what makes attraction.

Right. Exactly. So revealing these things in the relationship that are the gaps or saying the things that you think you cannot say. I want everyone to take a moment, think about, like, what are the things in your relationship between you and your partner that you're not. That you're not saying? And there are some things that you shouldn't say. Right. Things that are going to be hurtful, things that your partner can't say.

Don't say to your partner, you've put on some weight and I find you disgusting.

Don't say that.

Don't say that. And you don't say to your partner, your dog is really smelly. I don't want to come to your house.

Right. Don't say that.

But you do want to approach both those subjects. So let's think of a different way, because these are both really important subjects. Because aesthetics are everything for sexuality. Let's face it, we all have aesthetics.

We do. We do so.

And they're not negotiable. You can't change your aesthetics. I hear a lot from people in relationship that their partners are not as in shape as they used to be, and that's unattractive. Well, we all know you just don't spit that out there. But you can say, and it's important to say, you know, I am super turned on to you when you work out, you know, instead of saying, you're losing your shape, I'm super turned on to you when you work out. And I think we both can make that more of a priority to stay really fit. How can we support each other? So there's that one. The dog in the house that, you know, whatever you say, hey, I love your dog as much as you do, and I really want to make sure that when we're gonna, like, have a great sex night that the dog's in the other room.

Yeah. Do you hear about this a lot? That the dog comes in in the middle of sex?

Oh, yeah. Dog wants to be in the sex.

Jojo does, but she just wants to be in the room. But then she's gonna take a nap on the bed. She's not trying to be in the sex.

No, but dogs do licking and all kinds of stuff. You're lucky your dog doesn't do that.

I know. She's perfect. I got the perfect dog. That's a really great reframe. So you're bringing in your feelings. You always lead with your. How things make you feel.

Yeah.

Rather than attacking your partner. The things that you're not saying, there's a reason you're not saying them, and they're probably causing a bigger problem in your relationship than you realize. So I think this is a great reframe for people to think about tonight. Do this right now. Like, don't wait on these things, because as we know, then they start to build up over time. They become resentments. I can't believe my partner never showers or my partner's so out of shape. Right. It just. Right when you realize this is the time to have these healthy conversations and.

From a positive place, I want to say, you know, the conversation isn't a confrontation. It's an invitation. Just keep using that word. Because I think too often we think we're finally going to say something. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And it comes out like some kind of, you know, artillery, when actually it's an invitation. I really would like us to work out more. I just love it when you're really, like, in your best shape or.

Right, Something like that. Exactly. And I can tell that you feel great when you're working out more, too. And maybe we could do some working out together. We could take a class together. We could.

Okay, let's get to questions.

Let's get some more questions. Okay. Let's see. Okay.

How can you reconcile with the male world when you have struggled with it since childhood? That's from a woman. So maybe she's had some struggles with mass. With men in her life. Her father her brother. That's a big question.

Well, it's like the biggest philosophical question of 2021, because, let's face it, we've all been in a man's world, and the world is not in great shape, led by male leaders, predominantly. So there's not a woman or a man or a they or anyone on the planet that isn't suffering from a narrative of masculinity that has hurt everyone. So she's welcome to the world.

Right.

The only way I've gotten through it, because I've had my share of all of that, as we all have, is I keep it very specific to the men that I love and that I know, and I build on those relationships. So, for example, you've met my brother, Emily. I love my brother. We're a year apart. He's a great man. I focus on the men that I know and building the intimacy with them and remembering that not, you know, there is no such thing as the gender male. There's just a collection of people. So I keep it very specific to building positive, good relationships with the men that I choose.

Right. That's really good. And to not think so. For Amanda here, who asks this question, it's like taking out a case by not bringing the whole history of men into every man. What is that? Who is that person sitting in front of you that you want to have a relationship with and build that? What do they bring to the table?

Because I'm thinking right now of my friend Peter Buffett. He's like one of my favorite people on the planet. He just happens to have a male bodysuit. But in terms of, like, I think of people so far beyond the shapes and suits of their bodies. And I would invite her to stop seeing people just defined by those gender normative identities and see into the window of their soul. Find out who they really are, Be willing to be surprised. And that's my path anyway. It served me quite well.

That's such good. That's. That's really, really good advice. Also, I want to say I think it's great that Amanda even recognizes that she has that challenge around men. So that's such a good advice that the person in front of you is the person trying to have a relationship, but they don't represent all the men in your life or all the challenges you've had with men. Okay, here's another one. Jen. If you like sex with a person, but they want a relationship and you don't, can timing just be off?

Yes. Timing is big in a relationship. Right.

Also, that's just such a funny question. It's like, you don't get to have your cookies and your cake if the other one doesn't want the cake, you know, or, you know, you just have to admit this isn't the right deal for both of us and you have to give up your little sweet tooth.

Exactly. Like, what about. These people think that they could get into a relationship and someone's gonna change, or. Well, I know that they want a relation. You know, they're. I'm gonna change. They're gonna want. If I stick with them long enough, they're going to see my ways. They like, they want to relate. Maybe he'll decide that he doesn't want a relationship anymore. Like, I don't want to really, you know, I'm saying we just think that they're going to change, but we have to believe people's words when they tell us.

Well, also, people give mixed messages. I'm aware of a situation right now, really big one, that's important to me. It's somebody close to me who's with somebody that is not very clear what they want. So they give a lot of mixed messages. And then we get hooked by that because we like the one message, not the other message.

We only hear the message we want to.

And it's like, I'm thinking of a friend of mine that was having an affair with a married man, and he was just sure he was going to get out of the marriage. And I thought he was, too, because he seemed like a great guy. He's going to get out of the marriage. But you got to give yourself time limits on these things. It's not like they're bad people because they're giving you mixed messages. But you've got to say, for your own power, yes, again, you have to say, I'm super into you. I'm 100%, go. You've got three months to make your mind up about us having the same picture of this relationship. If not, no harm, no foul. I'm over it. And then you have to keep your word.

You have to keep your word. Time limits are huge. They've really helped me in relationships, saying, how do I want to feel in this relationship three months from now? I'm going to give it three months. I even put dates on my calendar. And I've said, three months from now. And then, you know, well, I've got three months to work on these challenges, these top challenges. And this is how I feel today. Three months from now, how do I want to feel? What's our relationship look like? Because otherwise, without the time limits, this could go on for years.

And you need friends to kick your butt.

That's it.

I was in a very unhealthy situation in my life a few years ago, and I actually wished, looking back, that a couple of my friends would have said, are you out of your mind? What the hell are you doing? Sometimes we're too understanding of people in these ridiculous situations. And what somebody really needs to have the courage to say is, hello. You told me about this 20 times already. Yes, get out.

Yes. Those are your friends that are going to do that. Then sometimes we just go to the friends that we know are going to say what we want to hear and check yourself if that's what you're doing.

I have a new theory on that. What do you think about this, Emily? I think most of us are addicted to what I call emo porn, either through TV or conversation. So I notice it in myself because I'll watch certain shows because they're super, super emotional and really intense, and then I get to go on the ride with it. But there's also certain friends that I really like, dig in to find out all their emotional dramas because then I can kind of listen, get off on it, but I don't have to be involved. It's called email porn.

I do it. So you call those friends and you're like, hey, what's going on with you?

Yeah. Yeah.

That's so exactly what it is. You're like, I know. I'll call this person. It's going to be a wild ride. Yeah.

You just know you're going to get a whole story and it's going to have maybe some sex things. And like, you know, it's. It's like watching the Housewives of whatever.

Yes.

But my point is, the whole culture steeped in this emo porn. And then what happens is it's sometimes hard to interrupt it once we've established a pattern of listening for it.

Oh, my God. Right? So we're like, tell me more. Isn't there any more drama going on in your life? So when everything's okay, it's just not that that relationship isn't as satisfying to you.

And they also might think they have to keep shoving in some emo porn to keep your interest.

Yes, I've had those relationships. Oh, my God. That's a good one, Jen.

Yeah, it's like, you know, I like my popcorn, I like my kind bars, but if I had them every day, then I'm avoiding something.

Oh, Jen, this is a good one. These are all from our Instagram, which is Sex with Emily. And Jennifer's Instagram is Dr. Jennifer Freed. So someone just asked me how to spot a sensual lover without actually having to sleep. With lots of men, that's easy, I.

Think, go well, I'm very, very sensual. That's my love language. So I don't have any confusion. The sensual lovers are the ones that are touching you, like your hand, your face, your hair. But a big tell is how they eat. Like a big tell how they eat and how they drink and if they can dance, frankly, because, you know, women and men, if they don't dance and they aren't really into food, they're not sensual. Just know that right there. They're just not.

So if they're like, this is delicious. I want you to taste this. Yeah, exactly this. Can I have a bite of this? And they're touchy. Yeah, that's it. If a guy. If. Yeah, I need to be touched. I need to be. And I'm not saying groped when I first meet someone, but you could just tell. You can tell. Are they sensual with their food, all the other senses. Do they smell the environment? They're like, oh, look at those flowers. Or listen to this music. Or they're just a sensitivity.

Sensuality is all about the deliciousness of life. It's like everything is savored and there's an appetite and a wonder. And some people, I have a lot of friends that don't even like sensuality. They just like, wham, bam, let's get it done. Let's like, it's a workout. And they're thrilled with that. They don't want to be touched. I have a friend that I said, listen, you know, if I ever get old and alone, you'll have to live with me, but I need a lot of hugs. And they went, I'm so not into that.

And that's okay, too. Right? Right. We just couldn't be with those people because both of our love languages is touch. I did a show on love languages a few weeks ago. Everyone, you can download that. But we really got into. Because they can be hard to reconcile. If you're with somebody who you need touch. And they are not into touch. Not a bad person. But they're just going to have to make effort. And I think that's the hardest love language to reconcile. If you're not into it, you're not into it.

I was thinking of this woman I knew from the past. She had, like, many planets in Taurus and She would take two hour showers, touching herself, rubbing herself, singing to herself. Well, now we're in a drought, you shouldn't do that. But I mean, we would all just laugh and she couldn't have been happier. Just two hours.

Oh my God. Well, Jen, wait, speaking of that, don't I have all my houses in Taurus except for my Geminis?

You got a lot of stuff in Taurus. I told you. You're the temple goddess of sensuality and a communicator about all things sexual. But yes, Emily, your superpower is sensuality and beauty and also just a love of the finer things in life. You really appreciate them.

I do, I do, I do. Oh, Jen. Okay, this is for you, Jen, because I said I was talking to you. Scorpio and Leo, doomed or destiny?

I love that you say doomed or destiny because let me say once and for all, all of you people that love astrology, you can never know somebody's compatibility by their sun signs.

Yes.

So you just need to know. That would be like saying brown hair shouldn't go with red hair. It's that superficial. Scorpio sun likes intensity and depth. A Leo sun loves to be admired and adored and is playful. Well, certainly those two can go together. If the Scorpio is intensely admiring of the Leo and the Leo likes to play in really intense ways, it's a good fit. So just don't ever pay attention to all that superficial nonsense where it's like, oh, Gemini shouldn't be with Virgo. It's never true.

It's never true. It's never true. People say that, well, I'm a Leo and I'm like, but you're the only person, Jen, the way you've talked about astrology and I've been become more familiar with it. But you have to understand your whole chart, right?

You have to understand your whole chart. And you have to realize not one person was created to have nothing to learn. Every single relationship that I've ever seen is all based on huge lessons. You never get with somebody as like a free pass. Everyone you're ever with, ever attracted to is a teacher. It's just what lesson are you learning? And if you're in a long term relationship, it's going to be, you know, PhD and learning.

Yes, it's just true. We think if it's not easy, that it's time to leave. But that's when the lessons are starting. I mean it should be feel good at the beginning. But we do such great work in relationships if we choose to.

I personally think the highest, most noble spiritual path is doing the work with another human being at the depth of a courageous attachment. You know, it's very courageous to be attached to somebody and keep removing all obstacles to love. It's the most courageous thing we could do.

After a very quick word from our sponsors, I'm answering A question from Michael, 35 in California, who's wondering the best way to open up his relationship.

Foreign.

This is from Michael, 35 in California. Hey, Dr. Emily, how can my wife and I ease our way into an open relationship? And any tips on fulfilling a threesome fantasy Very, very carefully. Oh my God. That's a big question there. It's a short question, but they're two very specific. And I think you start with the conversations. You don't just lead with let's have an open relationship, let's have a threesome. The first thing your partner's gonna think is, why aren't you attracted to me anymore? And which one of my friends do you want to sleep with? So I think this does. To start more from a general conversation about your sex life and about your satisfaction with each other and having real in depth conversations about your turn ons. What are some of the most memorable times you've had sex? You could start there. I'm going to assume you guys haven't talked about this yet and maybe you even haven't even talked about your sex life before in a way that is useful for figuring out your independent arousals and desires. Um, but I get nervous that with these questions like he just is getting angsty, you know, he's just getting a little bored of their sex life. So he's thinking let's open it up to save it. But what'd you feel about this, Jen?

Well, I have two friends that have opened up their relationships in the last two years. One of them had a pretty good run with it and they were micro into what the expectations were, what the taboos were, what was good, what was bad. They hadn't, they had to interview the person before they did. It was like a whole, like it was like a career counseling thing, seriously. And then the other person opened it up kind of unconsciously and it really went amok. Like, let's just try it. And it was kind of unconscious and nobody was clear what they wanted or didn't want and it blew up. Right. So I think what you said is the most important. Where's this coming from? And the most important question to ask your wife, your partner, anything about this is what are your fantasies about? Including a third person just start there because they may say, oh, I thought about it, or I'm not into it. That's the end of that conversation.

Exactly. Exactly.

So you got to find out first, what are you starting with?

Right? Where are you starting? What are your turn ons? You can download our yes, no, maybe list on our website if you've never done that. It's such a fun date night with a partner. Just check that out. It has a bunch of different sex acts on it that might help you guys figure out. Maybe she's turned on by threesome as well. Or maybe she wants more teasing or she's into some bondage. We don't know. You don't know until you have these conversations. But you don't just start with a blanket. Let's open it up, let's have a threesome. If you haven't laid the groundwork for your independent turn ons, desires, arousal, what's worked in the past? Don't go from zero to threesome. Someone asked, does EMDR therapy really work? Asking for a victim so we can explain what EMDR is? I don't think I've just explained in a while, but I'm a huge fan. I've done emdr.

EMDR is a very well tested cognitive behavioral therapy to undo traumatic response emotionally and physically. Now, again, this is my experience. 40 years trained as a therapist, 30 of those seeing clients, 30 of those being a client. Let me just be very revealing and say I have been a client. EMDR is the only, and this is my experience technique done by a very gifted therapist that actually undoes the looping, compulsive, reactive responses in your brain and body. It's the only one I found.

Yes, you can learn more about EMDR through this link in the show notes or emdria.org and also my trainer, her.

Name is Laurel Parnell and she's written many books and some of them are for the layperson. So Laurel Parnell and she has an EMDR institute. She's phenomenal. And I think anyone that wants to do deep work and not spend 30 years in therapy, get to some therapists listed by Laurel Parnell Institute.

What I also like about EMDR therapy, which I've done, is that it doesn't take as much time. I mean, I think I needed to go through some of the talk therapy, but I think I could have really spe sped things up by seeing a therapist that works in your mind and your body and sort of rewiring the neural pathways in your brain. So certain memories or certain People or certain situations that give you a charge will no longer trigger you in that way after you do this kind of work. Okay. This is from Brittany, 25, in Michigan. Hey Dr. Emily. My partner and I have been together for almost five years. He's a very sexual creature. However, I struggle so much with myself that it's sometimes hard for me to get in the mood. I don't know what, what to do. We went from having sex every day for almost two years straight to suddenly I have problems with low libido. I'm only 25 and feel like this isn't a normal problem with 25 year olds. Should have any suggestions? Thank you. Everyone has it. People always think low libido when it happens to them, that it shouldn't happen. But I always say I hear it from women, men, all genders at all ages. So my first take on this Jen, I want to hear what you say is that she's only 25, she's with the same partner of her five years. She probably doesn't know exactly what she. She's low libido. I often say it's not low libido, it's high boredom. Maybe there, you don't know what turns you on. Maybe there is no passion fire left in this romance because you're so, you're together, you've, you're on top of each other. Has there been, you know, just having routine sex every day doesn't necessarily mean that it's quality and connected sex. So my suggestions is for her to go on a journey of, of excellent communication with her partner and saying let's start where we are now and figure out like more about maybe what her turns on or where turn ons are and start to rebuild. Like we said earlier in the show, start slowly, start to rebuild again, slow things down, try new things. But I'm thinking it just has to do with her time to explore and she's been with one person. What do you think, Jen?

I agree with you completely. And I think the worst thing we do to all of us is act like that kind of frequency of sex that happens in the beginning is what you should always be having because that is oppressive. So one, we start shutting down because it's like I don't want that. And secondly, you got to start remembering what was it that made you so horny in the beginning. And usually it had a lot to do with novelty and also a little insecurity. Are we going to be together? Aren't we going to be together? That creates a lot of tension. But once you, like you said Emily, you're smashed together face to face. You're like seeing each other and all your kind of ordinariness, it's not that thrilling. So you have to peel back, say we're not going to have sex for a month and reconnect as like courtship. Courtship is where sex, hot sex, comes from, no matter what stage it's in.

Exactly 10 even take penetrative sex off the table, like rebuild it. Like you're saying that is where it comes from is the courtship, is the attraction, is the newness. And you can continue to work that into a relationship even if you've been together for five years. Jennifer Freed, thank you so much for being here. I've missed you. You are a dear friend. You are so wise and we love having you on this, on the show. It's so helpful. Jen. So how can people find you? What's going on with you right now? Where should we turn all our attention in the world of Jennifer?

I think Dr. Jennifer Freed, Instagram. I'd love to for you to follow and give comments. And then honestly, JenniferFreed.com, you can sign up to be once a month on my Venus seminar if you want to really talk about intimacy related to astrology. So I have a once a month Venus seminar and it's very beautiful but also vulnerable and transparent. So you got to be up for it.

Oh yeah. Everyone sign up for jenfreet. Everyone loves your seminars and your being part of your that you offer such great services for people. Thank you, Jen.

Thank you.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner, believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. We release two to three episodes a week. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me feedbackexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com askemily and check out my website. We have so many great articles diving deep into topics like how do I have multiple orgasms? How do I last longer in bed, how do I stop thinking about my ex, what sex toy should I try? And so much more. Sign up for weekly emails. I've been told I give really good emails. I do. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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