F These Dating Myths w/ Damona Hoffman

In my work, I would say a lot of times you don't know what you think you know. You know that you have attraction to this person, but people will be like, oh, it was love at first sight. No, it wasn't. No, get out of here. It was lust at first sight. You can't tell if you love someone the minute you look into their eyes.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual Are you burnt out from dating? Do you feel like you'll never meet the one? In today's episode, celebrity dating coach Damona Hoffman dispels common dating myths like the list myth and the chemistry myth, and suggests new dating pillars for us to follow. Plus, she tells us which dating rules to follow and which ones to disregard. The number one expectation for men on dates with women and how to make your online dating profile stand out. So if you're single and looking for a match or you're in a non monogamous relationship, this app episode is for you. Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to the show. It's super easy to do. We so appreciate you and we read all of your reviews. Like this one just came in from Sam, 41 in Washington. I love your book and I've listened to your podcast for years sometimes with my wife, and there are so many things that have improved our relationship. Thank you. We love you, Sam, and thanks for listening to the show. We appreciate you and I love that he listens with his wife. A lot of people listen with their partners and get a lot out of the show. My new article, 5 Ways to Be a Better Lover is up on Sex with Emily. All right, everyone enjoyed this episode.

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I love Demona Hoffman. I'm so glad she's here on today's show. She's a celebrity dating coach. She's been coaching singles on how to find love online and offline for over 15 years. She is a pro. She's the official love expert on the Drew Barrymore Show. Also the host of the Long Running Dates and Mates podcast, spokesperson expert for top dating apps like Match and Bumble and OkCupid. But today we're talking about her new book, F the Fairy Tale Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live youe Own Love Story. It came out on January 2nd, so you gotta get your copy right now. I love talking to Damona and you're gonna get a lot out of this episode. She gives super helpful dating tips like how to keep track of your dates so you can be more strategic and make better decisions. Asking follow up questions to be more intriguing. She gets really specific here so we just, we can do it right? After listening to Mona, we also discussed what is this dating fairy tale that we all believe that might be harming us? Who should make the first move once and for all? How much chemistry really matters on a date? Does it matter? Do you need that spark right away? And whether or not you should make a list of desired qualities in a partner. All right, let's get into it. Damona Hoffman, welcome back to the show.

Girl, I am so happy to see you. Thank you for having me back.

Congratulations on your new book, F the Fairy Tale Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live your own Love Story. It's a wonderful book. I love that you just get into it like you've been doing for almost 20 years of coaching people, helping people, really get clear on dating. But I thought before we get into the myths and pillars around dating that you lay out in your book, why the title F the fairy tale? Can you define this fairy tale? So we're all clear?

The fairy tale is really any story that maybe is needing a rewrite right now. These fairy tales, they come from our families of origin, they come from our society, they come from rom coms, they come from actual fairy tales, and they guide so many of our decisions. And we are so addicted to stories. We love to tell stories. We love to rush through to the end. But in the 17 plus years that I've been coaching, I've seen that a lot of times the attachment to this particular outcome or this particular story is what keeps a lot of people feeling stuck in love. So I think it's time. It's 20, 24. It's time for us to put that aside, say, f the fairy tale, and rewrite these dating myths so that we can live our own love stories.

Okay, so then let's get into them, because the first myth that you break down is the list myth that we shouldn't necessarily hold these ideas of what we think we want in a partner. Now, I did make a list. I read in your book that you did similar thing where you had these pieces of paper in a jar of what you wanted in a partner, and then you looked at it a year later and it came true. I kind of did that with my current partner. I wrote down specific things of how I wanted to feel with this person and the traits and values that I admired in them. And I do feel like he checks a lot of those boxes. There's some stuff I wish I added from. Like, I should. You know, I was like, why did I put. Because I got pretty much everything. So can you explain what we do wrong with the list myth? Like, what part of that isn't great for people? People? How does it not work for people? And then what can we do differently?

I love how you phrased it, Emily, that you wrote down how you wanted to feel. And I think that's the real flip in this, that we've all been dating by the same list. You know, in all of the years I've been coaching, I ask people, what are you looking for? And they either tell me, I'll know it when I see it, and I'm like, then where is it? Like, have you seen it? Or they'll give me a list a mile long. And it's uncanny how similar the lists are to one another. Six feet tall. He makes this much money. He lives here. He has this job. And I want folks to just step back and say, how do I Want to feel like you just said. And what really is important to me, we address all of the myths in f the fairy tale with the pillars, the pillars of long term compatibility. So much more important to know that you are traveling the same path, that you have the same goals at the beginning, that you're starting at the same finish line. Because we can get caught up in a whole lot of other things and a lot of stories that don't add up to the future that we're trying to build.

I love that you have it list by like the myth. And then the antidote to that is, is the goals. So give us example of some goals that would help us more. Like I want to have kids or I want to get married or I'll.

Give you actually an example from my own life that is not in the book. Emily, I said in my head before I did this exercise that you just talked about, I was like, I love doing yoga. I'm still, I mean, 20 plus years I've been a yoga fanatic. It's like I gotta really find a guy who does yoga to do yoga with me. But the reality is that does not matter at all for compatibility. The truth is my husband has done maybe two yoga classes in his life. And it's more about that I wanted the freedom to still pursue the things that I enjoyed. And so many times people will say, oh, I want somebody to play tennis with or somebody to travel with or something. Look, one of my good friends, very active, she busted her ACL and she is out for like six months. She was my workout buddy. Like, okay, if we were in a relationship because we worked out together, we would have a rocky six months, let me tell you. So we have to get away from some of these superficial things that we put on the list and really just begin with, what are your long term goals for the relationship? Short term and long term goals? Okay, Am I looking for marriage? Am I looking for kids? Am I looking for partnership? Am I not interested in any of those things? Am I interested in non monogamy is do I need a partner that understands that we have to ask ourselves these big questions and we have to be willing to bring them forward early on. But we're so interested in being liked, being chased, being adored, being liked, being that we are afraid to say what we truly want because we think it'll turn somebody off. And it will. But it'll turn off the wrong people. People who are wrong for you.

Yeah, exactly. No, no, no, I get it. That's a great differentiator. There to say, first of all, that we want to be liked, that we often go out of relationship. I hope they like me. I hope they like me. Right when really, like, do we like them and do they share our goals? And so I thought you had a great differentiator there, though, when you did say the reason why you might have wrote down yoga is because you don't want your yoga time to be taken away from you. So this partner might come with you. But really, that's not the most important thing, like, to really go deeper. So this process of just really writing it all out will allow you to get clear on, like, maybe you want someone who prioritizes their health and wellness as well, but they don't necessarily have to be, like, holding hands with you and downward dog.

Yeah, that fear. That fear keeps a lot of people stuck. That fear of, like, oh, what if they don't like me? Or what if I say this? And I know you talk about this a lot on the show too. Like, what if I voice that I want this? And they're like, that's weird.

Yeah, well, I'm with you. That, like, that's not your person. The sooner we are clear and specific about what we want, whether it's on our dating app or whether you know, our profile or just dating someone, it's just so funny that we hold things back because we want to be liked, but we don't even know we like this person. But I guess you help people prioritize it. Be like, if this is really important to you, better to find out now than months or years down the line.

Just on that prioritization. It's just, to me, what I'm all about and what this book is all about is having some sort of a strategy for love. And especially at this point that we're at coming out of the pandemic and really craving human connection, we are kind of doing it haphazardly, and then we're getting really mixed results. I'm hearing a lot about ghosting. I'm hearing a lot of dating frustration. I'm hearing a lot of dating burnout. And I feel like the fix for that is to actually be more mindful and to be more strategic instead of just waiting to see whatever. Whatever ends up happening, because then whatever's gonna happen.

What are the changes that you've seen since the pandemic and dating?

So what happened in 2020 is the dating apps were our lifeboat. We clung to that because that was how we continued to make connections. Because, I mean, you know, this. The drive for connection and sex and love. It is one of our most primal and intense drives and instincts. So here we were being told, stay at home, don't talk to anybody, don't touch anybody. And we're like, no, I need, I need something. Even if it's just like a text message, give me something. So the, the apps were flooded with new users, which, you know, ultimately I think dating apps are for the better. And I feel like we've talked about this on your show before. Dating apps have expanded our dating pool and dating options exponentially. But that's where the strategy and the process comes in. Because when you have a lot of choice and you have a lot of activity, you have to make a lot more micro decisions and it becomes a lot more exhausting. So that's where we're at right now, the speed of dating. That is the thing that has changed the very most since I started coaching. And I, I was coaching on profiles 17 years ago. A lot of people think that online dating was just invented. No, honey, it's been here as long as online dating has been around. People have used it so successfully. So it's not this idea that nobody wants paradox of choice, nobody wants to match anymore, and people are just exhausted of dating is not quite right. It's that we are doing everything at scale. We are feeling the highs and lows so much more acutely because we're doing it so much more because the speed of dating has increased, the volume of communication and conversation and connections have increased. And most folks have no kind of process around that to manage it.

What is the top thing if you meet with someone? The first place to start with that of managing, is there like a quick tip for people that's just an easy hack. Right now, if you are in burnout.

Mode, if you're in literal dating, burnout, take a break. First of all, I know it sounds counterintuitive, but I talk about this enough. The fairy tale. You don't want to be dating from that place of, of need, of lack of burnout. Like, come back to it when you are fresh. Set a date though. Say, okay, I'm gonna give myself two weeks to refresh, focus on me. Not be caught up in the. The flurry of messages and meeting people. And then I'm gonna come back at it with intention, with mindfulness. And your intention may just be like, I wanna hook up with people. Like, that's fine, that's fine. But do it with intention, because the other. We don't know what the other person's coming to the table with either. And we. We. The other thing I talk about in the book that's a little non traditional is I talk about empathy in dating and that if we can look at it from the perspective of the other person and approach dating with empathy for ourselves and for the other person, it totally changes the experience of dating. But the real quick tip that, like, this is the real hot tip, Emily. Track it. What gets tracked gets measured. And what gets measured, like, once you start seeing what's actually happening in your dating life, then you can be more strategic and make new decisions. And this isn't a new concept. This is something that I've been doing for a long time. It's hilarious to me that, like, on TikTok now everybody's like, oh, my gosh, I kept a spreadsheet for my dates. And I'm like, honey, I've been doing this since. Since 2007.

I've been tracking it. I know I'm with you, so I know, but track it like in a spreadsheet. Like, literally, how did I feel after the date? Who was this person? Right? What did I learn? So you can go because, yeah, we shouldn't have to remember all that stuff. I can barely remember a lot of things. People I meet at a party as friends, like, write it down, track how you felt.

I have like a free tracker on my website, like damonahoffin.com datetracker. I'm literally saying, write down, record what dates you went on, how you felt, how you left it. Because all of that matters for what happens in the future. Okay.

And you think you're gonna remember, but you don't often. So just like, write, like, we take notes in meetings. Just write it down. Go back to the empathy thing. I think you really do spell that out in your book. How would you describe that? Dating with empathy?

Well, our knee jerk reaction is, of course, if someone, quote, rejects us to feel hurt and if we want to, quote, reject someone else, sometimes we feel some kind of way about doing that and about really speaking our truth. But really it's. Everyone is looking out for their highest good and their best possible partnership. So if you're not acting from a place of empathy, you're actually hurting the other people more. If you're not saying, hey, this isn't the thing, or this is actually what I want, but this is very convenient, or whatever it is, ultimately you're doing more harm to yourself. So just starting with putting yourself in the other person's shoes, like, would I want to hear this information? Would I want you to break up with me over a text. Would I want you to tell me after the first date if you actually didn't want to go out again? And just reframing how we're thinking about that as less empathetic to not tell somebody you do not intend to see them ever again. And the other thing about empathy is that when you bring it to the date with you, it really changes the whole tone of the conversation. It changes the way that you listen. It changes the way that you respond. If you're really thinking, like, not, is this person checking my boxes? Going down the list. Thank you. Next. And you're instead, like, let me focus on connecting with this human for the hour, hour and a half that we have together. That's another hot tip. Like, don't overstay your welcome on those first dates. But just enough to say, have I heard this person? Have I connected with this person? And then you have that moment. No matter what happens after that, that keeps you out of anxiety, actually, because when you are in the present, the anxiety comes up when you're projecting to the future or you're ruminating about the past. But if you're in the present, you can't be anxious in the present. If you're really being empathetic and you're really listening to the person in front of you and engaging with them.

Yeah, that's. That's a really good point. Go in mindfully with compassion. It's funny that I read that part about the first date should only last 90 minutes, tops. And I was reading it, and I turned to my partner. I was like, how long was our first date? He's like, I think it was four hours. But we did have, like, three martinis. But you would have advised against it. I know. It was a little bit too long.

Well, and here's the thing. Like, there's always exceptions, but I'm kind of teaching people how to date for the long term. I will admit this is not in the book, Emily, but I will admit I had a one drink maximum, because I had. I had a couple, three martini dates before, and it. I didn't like how I felt. Like, I didn't feel like I was in control of my choices. So I was like, from this point forward, I'm having one drink only. And there were a lot of first dates where I had one drink. I will admit, when I met my husband, I had two. Oh, okay. I did have two. The second myth is the rules myth. Because I don't really believe in rules. The rules are made to be broken. But if you have guidelines for yourself, it helps you in the long term. And then you can have an exception like the four hour date that you had because you know what else is out there. You, you've been through the experiences and you can tell when something also shifts when it within you.

Absolutely. Let's get into the rules with like what do we need to disregard right now? What are we believing that is untrue. And I love that you also side note, brought up rules book that we grew up with in the 90s. I think you were there dating and it was like, it did, like everybody was talking about it and it was so specific, like, don't be available. He has to ask you out by Wednesday to go on a date by Friday. You can't. Don't be available at the last minute, you know, wait for them to call all the things. And I think a lot of those still linger. So can you walk me through what we need to disregard?

Yeah. The rules. The game in pickup artist techniques.

Yes.

And look, I'm not saying that those rules don't work or didn't work for a time. I'm just saying that you have to figure out if those rules work for you to get the outcome that you want. And I think the subtitle of the rules was like time tested secrets to like get the ring or something. And just for me, I'm, I'm, I'm a feminist. I'm like, I know you're about, you know, female empowerment as well too. Like that just felt it, like it didn't speak to me. I was never chasing a ring. That was never my goal. And I just don't like. And don't encourage my clients to follow any strict set of rules because rules just make you feel restricted. And I would like you to feel open and authentic and, you know, alive.

Absolutely. Not a robot. Right. You're not authentic at all. And if you're playing a rule or really be being empathic, I love that you debunked this one myth about women always say, oh, I should ask a guy out. I'm like, are we still talking about this? But then you cited a study that said that relationships where women ask men out last longer.

Yes, it's true. I, and I work with OkCupid so I can peer behind the curtain, see behind the scenes on what people are actually saying, how people are answering these matching questions. And the conversations when they were initiated by women lasted twice as well long as when they were initiated by men. And yet on dates and mates I promise you, Emily, just about every month I get at least one question that's like, so wait, I can ask a guy out now? And I'm like, what year is it? Did we go into a time warp in the pandemic or something? Because. And I know you have a lot of guys listening in the show right now, and I would bet if they're anything like the dates and mates listeners, they're like, please, please, ladies, help a brother out.

We love it.

But this is the thing that is so sort of. That makes no sense to me about the society that we live in right now. I know we want empowerment. We want to be empowered, we want to be in control. We want to design our own destiny. But then we say, I don't want to work so hard. I want him to do. To pursue me and take the initiative and whatever. And because of online dating, we have assigned a different timeline to how that is supposed to unfold. And we're putting all those expectations that we used to have on in person communication, and we're assigning it to the app. So we're like, well, these are the rules, but they're the rules for, like, a different game. It's like you're playing Parcheesi, but you're on a chessboard and you, you're. You're wondering why it's not working for you. I've never played Parcheesi. I don't know why.

It's a good word. Why? It's a fun word to say. It is, right? Yeah. No, you're right to totally. It's a different world right now. Do what you want to do. Don't think about that. Feel in each moment with each person, with each contact. Right. Like, what feels right in the moment? What do I want to do? So we just got to ditch all the rules, right? Is that what you're saying? Like, don't have a rule. It's a case by case basis.

Ditched the rules and. And go a level deeper, actually.

Okay.

For me, like, I don't know if I would go all the way to do what you want to do.

Okay.

But I would say if we start, this is why I wrote the book, it's sort of chronological. Like, it's broken up into the predating phase, which I consider the mindset phase. And then the list is around the search phase. And then we get into the date and the future as we're sort of moving through this continuum. Begin at the beginning, begin with clarity, so we get clear on the goals. But then in the search it's kind of about values.

Okay.

So that you're not just giving your time to anyone that you think is cute. You're actually choosing mindfully, and then you're making choices that are in alignment with the goals that you started with.

Okay. The goals and then the value. So the antidote to the rules is get very clear on your values. And I think it's interesting about that process of finding out our values. How do we know what they are? Right. Which I found interesting that you say most couples share two to three of these values. Is there, like, an easy. I mean, that's a process. Right? We got to sit down and do it. But it's a good process. It's an important exercise. Right.

And there's so many ways to access this. Yes. In the book, I. I give some of the exercises I've given my clients before, but it could be done in a lot of different ways. The important thing is that you are listening out in the world as you're dating and really seeing how values show up. So, for example, we are looking for shortcuts also in values. We're like, yes, I hear what you're saying, Damona. I do want somebody who's a values match, and therefore, they must be a Democrat.

Because we think that that means they have the same stance on all of these issues, and they come from the same perspective, and maybe they come from the same background. And we think it's a proxy for all of these other micro choices we have to make and perspectives on the world, and they're not. So we need to kind of back that up and be asking questions about the way people think and looking at also the way that they act and where they put. This is why in the book, I give this.

Exercise to order your values. Because many times we haven't been asked to do that. Like, if you have a call from work and a call from family, which one are you gonna take? And no judgment. That's the other thing. There's no judgment in this process. It just is. And this is the other issue, I think, with the way that we have dated in the past, there's so much shame and judgment and, like, well, if I believe that, then what else? And. And it's even getting worse with social media and people pointing fingers at, like, well, if you believe that, then you're wrong. Like, let's get back to the connection and the conversation. There's so much more interesting in that.

So what do you think about that? I know we used to say we shouldn't talk about politics or religion or any of those things. But now the apps are including that. Right? So is that helpful or harmful?

I don't know. I don't know yet. Reply hazy. Ask again later. But I can tell you that it is. I don't know that it's good or that it's bad, but I know that it is. And I know that about, I don't know, 2016ish. 2015, I started having clients say things to me like, this person must vote in this way or must not vote in this way if we're gonna go out. Like, I will not. And there were a lot of lines drawn in the sand, and people wanted to talk about politics on a first date. I talked about a study on dates and mates recently where it said that. That Gen Z daters actually like talking about politics on a first date. Like, it's. It's a huge generational shift, and I always kind of look to the youngest generation of daters to show us what the trends are going to be. And there's. There's a lot of very interesting trends among Gen Z singles. And yeah, one of them is like, let's talk about politics. Because this actually now maybe it was number six or seven ten years ago on the list of important values and criteria for a date, and now it's literally number one or two for almost everyone that I.

That makes sense. Well, a lot's happened since 2015. 2016. Right. Politically. So. Okay, just a few things. Let's talk about the chemistry myth, because I think that's interesting. That's very near and dear to my heart of the belief that there has to be this immediate spark that you should know when you walk in the room if this is your person. So why is this a myth?

Emily, I want to get your take on the chemistry myth. But in my work, I would say a lot of times you don't know what you think you know. You know that you have attraction to this person. But people will be like, oh, it was love at first sight. No, wasn't. No, get out of here. It was lust at first sight. You can't tell if you love someone the minute you looked into their eyes. And the other thing, I quote our. Our mutual friend Dr. Drew Pinsky, when he was on my show, he said, we want maybe butterflies, but not lightning bolts. Like, if it's that, like, weak in the knees, like, I can't even. I can't think of anything else. That's when you have to start to examine where's that coming from. That's your nervous system responding to something, whether it's the, the fact that they remind you of someone or the fact that they trigger something within you that is maybe not that healthy. Like that's kind of a flashing warning sign in my book that you need to pay attention to. And instead we blow through it and we just go to like, I want what I want and I want the passion. What do you think?

So the chemistry myth. I think that we all want to feel some kind of spark right away. And I tell people to look for an interest and maybe someone you want to see, and maybe you had a great conversation, you think they're a good person, maybe you could see yourself with them, not you're on the fence. I think, you know, go out with them again, see how it feels. Because I think that it's really is hard to track to get that initial spark with everybody. And I think we can all, many of us contest the fact, and you probably hear this as well, that it builds over time. It can't build the more you get to know somebody. I often get people coming to my show when they say, our sex life is dead. We're not interested in each other anymore. I don't want to have sex anymore. What do I do? And I always say, well, was it there at the beginning? And what I mean by that, was it there at the honeymoon phase? Did you have a honeymoon phase? Was the sex amazing? So I think this chemistry, I think what we're saying here is just to kind of. That early on, go out with someone a few times. And I think you believe this too, like, check someone out. And then usually if you're dating someone for a while, you hopefully have a spark and you're into it, you wanna have sex with them. But I think it's really important, like to talk about the first, second, third date, that it might take a bit to build. And after the third date, do you believe that you should know if there's chemistry? I think date three, a hundred percent.

I have a three date rule in after fairy tale. I know I just said tools over rules, but there are certain things I had to make rules for my clients about because in the absence of the rule, they were going to default to whatever they were doing before. So I say at the end of the first date, all you need to know is that you're curious enough about this person to spend another hour with them. And the same at the end of the second date. If you're not thinking by the end of the third date, like, what would it Be like, kiss this person. Or you're not feeling like there's any kind of chemistry there, then I feel like you've given it a fair shot. I. I actually just was hearing recently about somebody was telling me that it took them until date eight to feel the. The chemistry. And I was like, you're very generous. So I don't, I. But I even get pushback, Emily, just from saying three dates. They're like, I can't. I can't wait.

Three dates.

I can't. You know, it's like, well, okay, we have the rest of our lives together. What's another couple dates? What's an hour of your time? But you have to have that curiosity. And I also say if they have any of your deal breakers, like back in the mindset phase, we identify what our three must haves and our one deal breaker is. You get one deal breaker and if I would give you more. But again, people abuse it.

So I have to be. I like the three talk ourselves out.

Of anything, but that if they have that one deal breaker or they have that they. They did something that really offended you or upset you or you just don't feel. Feel safe with them. Oh, that's something I want to talk to you about. Oh, yeah, Because I'm really. I've become very bullish about safety for women in dating and relationships, and this is like, this has kind of been my. My M.O. for the last year. I feel like a guy's number one job on a date is to make a woman feel safe. It's not to, like, make her impressed. It's not to wine and dine her. It's like, how do I make her feel safe? And Emily, you're the perfect person to ask this question because I don't know how to help men create that space and understand that that is important.

Do you agree?

That's even.

I agree. I agree. Important at that level, huge. No, I'm with you. Safety is important throughout an entire relationship, from dating to relationships to. To sex. So I think it's by listening, by being consistent, by showing up when you say you're going to show up, by remembering things, by not drinking too much, by being maybe texting. When did you get home? Okay, if you guys are taking separate Ubers or taking the train or something. But I think it's just also by demonstrating that you have some kind of emotional intelligence. Safety is important throughout. And I also want to add that for women, typically they, you know, when they feel safer with a guy, they're going to be Able to lean into the sex and have better sex. And when we feel safe, we can let go, and then we can really test if this is someone we want to be with or try it out and feel like, did that feel good in my body? Women report orgasms when they feel safe. Safety is huge. So I love that you are landing this in the book as well, and in all that you're doing with you. It's important.

Thank you. Yeah, thank you. I'm glad that you said that in the book. You know, I really don't get into sexual compatibility or, you know, creating that space like you were talking about. I know what Emily's Lane is.

That's why you're here.

You're laying.

You're laying. We're here for you.

But you wrote. You wrote the book on. You literally wrote the book. And it's such an excellent book. But I really want to help people start that process, really, at the beginning of dating. And it's. I think it starts with listening, and it starts with, like, everything that you just said. So, so wise. But I. It's. It's really a problem right now. And I love dating apps. I dated, like I said. I met my husband online. I've dated. I dated on the apps for years before I met him. And most of the time, I felt safe. And I had some guidelines. I even have some safety guidelines in the book of what we can do to make it more safe for ourselves and the other person. But it's not even just physical safety. It's. It's really that emotional safety that you were talking about.

Yeah.

And people are so suspicious because when we meet on a dating app, it's a stranger. Like, this could be literally anyone. You don't have any connection points. You don't have any accountability there. And that's why we're seeing a lot of bad behavior. And yes, there are the, like, don't date him girl. And the, you know, are we dating the same guy?

And the.

The West Elm, Caleb and the TikTok sharing and all of that. Like, a lot of that bad. Those bad actors are kind of being held to task and brought to the surface, but we need to really shift the culture around that.

Yeah. Because there's a lot of ways to be unsafe now. Like, if someone's just not real where. Like, if they're catfishing or. So there's a lot of things to look at with safety. That is a bigger issue right now. Now for sure. And I love that you get people to prioritize that. And safety Is also something that we can feel in our bodies once we learn to be like, do I feel safe with this person? So when we're doing our tracker that you lay out in the book, when they download their tracker, it could be like, how did I feel? What did I feel like? Did I feel like this is someone I could trust? I could talk to, I could share things with, could meet my parents, you know, all the. Could I hang out with my friends? There's so many boxes to check. But I love that you're helping people with such a clear strategy. In f the fairy tale, Demona, Keep swiping right, because after a very quick break for our sponsors who help support the show, Damon and I will be back to answer your dating questions. All right, everyone, we'll be right back.

I thought we could get into some questions now, because we got a lot of questions from you. We save them all for you, all of our dating questions. So I'm glad you're here, Demona. So first, we have Kyle. How do you know if you come off too strong or eager?

Look, I am so glad that Kyle asked this question, because this is just what I was talking about that I want men to be thinking about. How do I make this safer? So, first of all, you better read some body language if you are touching her. Let's actually back up. We'll start even in the text. I do not think it is in your best interest to come out the gate with sexual texts or DMS on a dating app. First of all, that is a huge turnoff. I don't know who told. Somebody got the wrong idea, and they were like, yeah, she wants to see a dick pic. No, she does not. You're a stranger, you're a perv, and you're gonna get blocked, and you better stop it. Okay, so not you, Kyle, but like, the other guys. Exactly. Right? So first of all, that is how you know you're coming on too strong if you. If you're getting your ass blocked. Second of all, when you are actually with her, pay attention to the body language. So. And I know you're an expert in this, too, Emily. Like, if she's closed off, if she's covering parts of her body, if she's crossing her legs in a way that doesn't look comfortable, if she pulls away when you touch her, you're definitely coming on too strong. And then the other thing that I love on dates is to encourage people to sort of open the space a little bit, ask questions, and then let the person find their words, find what they want to say and their reaction. Because a lot of times you can tell more from listening than you can tell from pushing, talking, trying to get a particular outcome.

Yes, that's a great, great practice of just listening. Gosh, you know, there's so many ways to take this because too strong or eager over text. I mean, what about the, the, I guess if you're double triple texting, right? If you're like, are we going to go out again? Are we going to go out again? That might be a little bit eager. And then when you're on the early dates and you keep planning, you're like, oh, I can't wait for you, my family. So that could be eager. And that kind of goes into the love bombing thing, right? Which is uber trending on, on, on TikTok and everywhere. So, yeah, that's what I think. I think that, you know, and also if you're wondering if you're too eager, maybe you are a little bit eager. I don't know. I think that we don't want to give people rules. But then if you feel like you're triple texting, you're not getting response back from someone and you are planning for the future, you're saying things to get the person to like you, right? To feel safe with you, but you're using words and you're laying down things because you think that's making them feel safe. I don't know if you're that self aware. That might be too weaker.

100 agree. But you know what's really sexy, Emily?

Tell me.

Being direct. That's actually, I feel like a bigger problem, especially when I'm talking to like Gen Z and young millennials.

They are so afraid to even just let someone know sometimes that they're interested because I don't know if they're afraid they're gonna get, you know, canceled or me too or, you know, or they just feel like they're going to be creepy. That sometimes I see that guys are not even going up to the line because they're afraid that they're going to come on too strong.

So there's a difference between being direct about your intentions and what you want than saying things to be liked or to get attention.

Yeah.

And I like that. Just say, I really keep thinking about, you know, making out with you. Like, would you be down with that? Or I would love to go out with you. That would you be interested? Just being direct and being clear. How do we know if somebody likes us? Like someone's into me. Like, I get that. Question. Like, how can I tell? They like touch your arm. Their open posture, not a closed posture. You know, closed arms. They're turning towards you, not away from you. I love body.

I remember I debuted this concept on sex with Emily and 2020. 20.

20, 2020. Yeah.

And I've, I've refined it since then, but it's in the book. I say set it up. Smile, eye contact. Touch, smile, eye contact. Those are like the Magic 3, right?

Set. I love it. Smile, eye contact. You're going on a date, you're into them. Smile, eye contact. Be aware of that. Because since we don't even notice that we're holding back or we're not making eye contact or. Yeah.

Or we're like, yeah, in resting, whatever.

Face resting up. And yeah, that's a great note.

The body language is really important, but when we layer that also with intonation, with tone of voice, like the. Both kind of how you land your words. And like, are you talking loudly? Are you talking quietly, softly? Are you leaning in? All of that impacts the way someone perceives you. And then here's another hot off the press station that I can share that's not in the book. But also fantastic that when you ask follow up questions, you are more intriguing on a date. So I know you're talking about body language, but.

Okay, tell me everything in the conversation.

Asking follow up questions, studies have shown can lead to a second date or, or getting the number you're perceived as more likable.

Okay, so this goes back to the listening. So follow up questions like if they're tell, don't turn it back to yourself. When they say, you know, I want to go to Nantucket, you could say, tell me more about Nantucket. What is it about Nantucket that you like?

What do you love about Nantucket? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Follow up questions completely. Rather than saying, just listen. I like that note. If people are like, I don't know what you mean by listen. I listen. Because for everyone who says they want people to ask a lot of questions on the date, you probably hear this every day from someone who's like, I went out with them but they didn't ask any questions. Right. So maybe adding some more texture to that, to maybe because you don't even know that you're the person that's not asking questions. Follow up. Like if someone says something, I hear.

That a lot, particularly from women, they'll say, I heard it even from Drew Barrymore on her show a couple years ago. I was doing a little segment with her and Alicia Silverstone. Who is just like, I don't know if they can't, if, if, if they're single, I don't know what hope anyone. They're both like, I'm with both. Incredible. But you know, they're, they're discerning. They're very discerning. But they were saying, like they've been on dates for people don't ask them any questions. And I'm like, what? That's crazy. And so when I get that question, that's another like most asked question, FAQ on dates and mates.

I say to women, say to them, is there anything you'd like to know about me? Yes, just straight up. And sometimes that can be like the bell going off of oh my God, I've been talking about myself and it's okay for all the fellows listening, it's okay if you have gotten that signal, like just start from where you're at. I think also sometimes things happen on dates and we think, oh no, it's ruined, it's over. No.

As long as the door is still open, you have a chance to start fresh, but it's on you to reset it if you get some kind of feedback like that.

I love that because if you're sitting. That happened to me too. When I was dating. I was like, how does this still happen that people don't know to ask questions they might not know? I don't think they drove across town. They drove across town. They made a date with you. They made a plan because they wanted to be the worst date ever. Not ask questions. There might be reasons for that. So to say to them, anything you want to know about me is a beautiful way to say it. It's brilliant. Demona. Okay, I want to get into some more questions here because there is a lot. So this is from Kevin, 31 in the UK and he says, Dr. Emily, I moved cities for a new job since living at home during the pandemic and I've been doing my best to enjoy my newfound freedom. I've used apps religiously before and it's never been great, but now I'm using them and it's been horrible. People are either flaky, the matches are poor quality, or I just can't compete with the overwhelming numbers of men in the matches women must get. It would be lovely to meet someone I can be serious with, but I'm happy to have casual fun in the meantime. However, I don't want kids and I don't believe in marriage, which makes it even harder to meet a long term partner. How do I find a good casual or serious partner that's into all the funky stuff I want to explore? How should I go about meeting people in a new city in a country that typically doesn't have conversations with some strangers? Am I just getting older? It's a lot to unpack, but I value advice and don't lean into the bro science and is actually pragmatic and realistic. Love the show, love the advice. All the best. So let's have Kevin. He's 31. I love what he's like. Am I just too old? I love this whole thing. But I think it's interesting that he. He touches on. Don't you think, Damon? A lot of the things that people like, they hate the apps. They think they're the worst thing ever. He's making assumptions that women are all matching with other men, and he's being left out. And then things that. Like this notion that he doesn't want kids or marriage is gonna just. He's already never gonna find someone. So what would you tell him here about how does he make the apps? You know, better. What could he do here?

Yeah.

Aligned with his values.

All the things what you demonstrated is. Yeah, it's exactly the storytelling issue. Right. He's told himself that story of, well, nobody's gonna want this. I'm too. I'm too. I can't. 31.

I do. I know, right?

Kevin, Come on.

Kevin.

I. I'm. It's not wrong that the dating apps are having a little bit of a recalibration right now. That's kind of what I was talking about earlier. There is a lot of ghosting and there is a lot of flakery. It's not because the women have so many options that you can't compete. Real talk. It's actually because at most, most I'm gonna say men. But people more broadly do not have great dating profiles. I started out as a dating profile writer. Most people are really terrible at writing about themselves. They don't know what pics to take that. And I know so many women that are saying the same thing, like, well, where are all the guys? And it's not because the guys aren't there. There are more men on dating apps than women. True. Not that much more, though. Actually, it's like 55, 45, depending on the app. But their profiles ain't working. And that's because, again, in society, like, we women, we're groomed to, like, put ourselves together, present yourself in a certain way. The way your aesthetics and the way you look is really important to attraction. So if you want to get a man, you better, like, know how to present yourself.

It's all marketing. So they don't know how to market them.

Yeah. Kevin, has any. Has anybody told you that? Like, that you need to market yourself or you need to be aesthetic or you need to put yourself. Probably not, right? Probably not. So what do we do? That would be first up.

Okay, well, in f the fairy tale, you do get some great tips. I always love those tips. Like how to write your about me section. You have specific tips. Is there one tip that we could give him? He's got to read the book. But let's like, what's the one thing that we're doing wrong in our about me's and what can we do differently?

Well, I almost don't want to talk about the about me because that's a little more complicated.

Okay. What are we doing wrong?

It's so important to have the photos.

Photos. Okay.

Photos are like, let's go there. They're speaking a thousand words. So I talk about the three C's in the book. Color, context, character. Color is strategic, so you can stand out. So even if she has all these other guys online, you wear a nice, even wear like a salmon pink shirt. Or you take a picture in front of the pink selfie wall at Paul's side Smith in Hollywood. Or you have like a beautiful. Like, you have blue eyes and you have a beautiful blue. Blue shirt that matches that and brings out your eyes. Or some kind of color that draws my eye to you. I'm going to stop and pay attention. Contact. Well, not me because I'm married, but, you know, whoever Kevin's going for. Kevin 31. Then there's context that's telling your story through your photos. What do you like to do? Where do you go? Do you have pics of you at Nantucket? Like, let's see them. And then there is character. That's the one that most people miss because we think I'm gonna put up this sunglasses shot so I can look sizzling and sexy and mysterious. Nah, we're going for safety. We want to see your eyes. You need to see the eyes. So have something where you're in that goofy Halloween costume and you have a sense of humor about yourself or just something that shows like, you like doing nerdy things. Maybe you're into comic Con. There's girls that are into comic Con. I don't know. It's not my thing, but maybe it's yours. And that's the thing you want to design the profile for the person that is the right match and, you know, be upfront. This is where that. That. That shame around our. What we want and the dissonance that comes up when we think that what we want is not in alignment with what society wants. So we don't say it, we don't speak it. And then we get ourself into a situationship that.

I love this show. You really are. Yeah, no, that's great. Show who you really are. I mean, not that weird, cheesy, right? We try to be like the right. And then they put the glasses on, the sunglasses. That's the word. We want to see your eyes. Do not have sunglass photos. So helpful. Demona, I love your book. After Fairy Tale, I want to ask you the five quickie questions we ask all of our guests. They're quickie. So we get onto the overthinker. First thing that comes to mind. Ready? Biggest turn on.

Intelligence.

Biggest turnoff.

Chores.

Chores.

I mean, that's a real thing. That's a real thing. That women.

Clean sink.

I'm with you. What makes good sex?

Communication.

Yes. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Stay open. You never know.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

That you can improve any sexual relationship with the right communication and the right tools. And listening to sex with Emily, of course, because a lot of times I'll hear from people, oh, we. We didn't have sexual compatibility, so it's dead. And sometimes I think we walk away from situations that could actually have become a lot sexier.

I'm with you. We can work on that. Those are great. Thank you, Demona Hoffman. Where can everyone find you?

Thank you, Emily. You can find me on Instagram at Damona Hoffman and TikTok and X or wherever. Wherever the kids are today. And you can find f. The fairy tale wherever books are sold, but also find out more at f. The fairytalebook.com. oh, and dates and Mates. I've been doing Dates and Mates every Tuesday for 11 years. Not as long as you, but almost. Almost.

Almost as long as me. Congratulations. And your book is out this week, so they can get it now.

Yes. June 2nd.

Yeah. Congratulations. I'm so proud of you. It's a great book. Congratulations on your hard work. You are the dating coach extraordinaire. So people have got questions. They can hit you up, send you questions, read your book. They should read your book first and then come to you because you cover a lot of great ground there. Thank you, Demona. Your fault.

Thank you. I really appreciate you having me back.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex With Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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