Fantasies, Porn, and Sex With the Ex

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Hey everyone. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Have I mentioned lately how much I love taking your calls? Well, I do. And in today's show, I'm so excited to do just that. Are you ready to start focusing on your own pleasure for a change? Wondering how to conquer your intimacy issues in the bedroom? Is it possible to have no strings attached sex with an ex? Plus how to get your partner on board with porn and the real reason women still aren't having orgasms. All that and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad Feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can have a really good time there, I promise, because I know you like the show. You like learning about sex and relationships and dating, and we've got a whole lot more going on on the website. And you can also easily subscribe to the podcast, all of our social media and just have a good time there. So. So.

Hi, everyone.

Thank you for listening to the show. I'm excited to be here with you. I need to talk to you about something that's been in my mind. So every single day, every day for years now, 12 years, I get emails from guys who want to know how to make their female partners have an orgasm. Like, seriously, every single day. And it's not even just emails. It's out in the world. Like, why won't she orgasm? Or how can she orgasm? Or how can I help her? Or why won't she have sex with me? Or how can I make the sex better? Or how can I. I don't even understand the vagina. Like, it's the Rubik's Cube of, you know. And I'm like, okay, well, are you doing things to please her? Like, my answer, like, always includes, as if you've been paying attention, is like, go down on her. Like, have you gone down on her? Have you tried to perform oral sex on her? That was even like my wifi passport for a while. It was like, go down on her. Give her oral. Seriously. It was so recently I came across this article and I literally freaked out because I'm like, hello, Hello. This is what I've been saying. This has been. Now here's a study, you guys, so maybe you're all gonna really listen. This article puts it into words we can all understand. And here it is. This is the headline. This is not my words. This is the headline. Straight women are having fewer orgasms because of their useless partners. I know that sounds really harsh and I would never use those words, but I just wanted to get your attention. Okay, I hope I got your attention now because here's the study. Here's what it said. Ready? A new study published last week in the Archives of Sexual Behavior Lesbians confirmed the so called elusive female orgasm is really not that hard to find. So a team of researchers from Chapman University and the Kinsey Institute. You know, Kinsey, they know what they're actually Doing over there. They took their investigation into orgasm frequency a step further. They're always studying about, you know, orgasms and stuff. But they took this study a step further. This has never been studied before. They wanted to see how often gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, in addition to straight men and women, reported climaxing. And this is only the second study in orgasm frequency to recruit a large sample of gay and lesbians and bisexuals, but the first that focuses on singles, where the rest focus on people in relationships. Okay, so this is an orgasm study that includes, like, basically everybody. And what they wanted to understand is what behaviors and practices were potentially linked to orgasm frequency. So what, what can we do? What has to happen? Like, what? Where do the stars have to align? The sexual stars have to align and, like, on the planet for women to have a goddamn orgasm. Okay? They talked to 52,000 people, and they wanted to understand the profiles and the attitudes of people who orgasm frequently. And people who did not. And they did found this orgasm gap, which, again, I've always talked men have more orgasms than women. That was not the part that was so interesting to me, because we know that, but maybe you didn't know that. Yeah, men, they typically like, it's a sure thing. But here's where it gets really interesting. 88% of lesbians said they usually or always came when they were intimate, compared to 65% of straight women. So we're all having orgasms, right? But yet women, straight women, always like, I can't have an orgasm with my partner, or I don't have orgasms. And so this study went further. They wanted to say, what are the acts? Like, what are the acts that linked to. To people having orgasms? And guess what they found? Guess what they found? They found that while vaginal intercourse wasn't necessary to climax, 80% of heterosexual women who had genital stimulation, deep kissing, and who received oral sex said they usually always orgasm. So you guys, here's the answer. Are you ready? This is like the golden trio. This is the golden trio. This is what they call it, the trio. You need genital stimulation. Women need general stimulation somehow. So you stimulate it, like, you know, probably with, like, your fingers or your penis. Like, that could help. Deep kissing, so that talks to, like, foreplay and like, you know, we want to be turned on and arousal and oral sex. But the number one, one thing, the number one thing they said was oral sex overall was the most important. And that was a difference between lesbians and straight women. If you really are still confused by it, like, I'M not sure what to say. You can, you can email me if you want to talk more about how to give women orgasms. I will always talk about it because I understand, like, it can be confusing, but if you're not into like oral sex and you' you just are confused by. I've done a lot of shows on it. I've got a lot of information on my site. But, like, go down on her. Really just do it. Go down on her and make out because this is going to lead to more frequency of orgasms. I know you all want to know. This study answered it. And yeah, I don't know what to say about that except for the fact that we like oral sex. So do it. Okay, I'm going to give a shout out to our sponsors right now. Thank you for supporting them. And when we come back, we are onto your calls. Thanks for listening.

Okay, and now we're on to your calls. Jess, 31, from Pennsylvania, and she's caught between being a great lover for her partners and being more selfish in bed. Hi, Jess. Welcome to the show. Hey, how are you?

It's unbelievable to talk to you on the phone.

I'm so happy to talk to you. Thank you so much for calling in and sharing your story. So tell me what's going on.

Yeah.

So earlier this year, I was dating a guy who was really great in bed. And what kicked off my reason for reaching out in the first time we hooked up, he asked me, you know, what my fantasy was. And I thought that was a really great thing for him to do. And that was kind of hot in the moment. So, you know, we went with it. And then, you know, when we kept hooking up and, you know, as that would go on, he would kind of continue to ask me what my fantasy was. So I just kind of felt like, I don't know, maybe the. What I said wasn't good enough, you know, was it not exciting enough? So it started kind of like turning it inward. Yeah. So I started thinking a little bit about, am I kind of boring? And that. And that started, like, panning out to, you know, what the focus has always been in my relationships is trying to be exciting and trying to bring so much to the table, but not so much about being selfish and trying to, like, think about what I enjoy my pleasure and not thinking about that other person as much.

Yeah. Wow. Okay. Well, that's, that's really insightful. First of all, Jess, I think that's great that you realize that, like, what a revelation, you know, 31 years old to realize, like, you've been more. More probably about their pleasure, you know, like a lot of women. Okay. Like, we are all socialized that way, that it's about the men's pleasure and it's not about our partner's pleasure and not about our own pleasure. So you're just like. Like every other person I know a lot. So you're right where you need to be. And so I think that he was probably just ahead. You know, I like that he asked you what your fantasy was, and he probably just wanted to keep going with it. I doubt that he had any judgment around your fantasy. So I'm curious, like, what your fantasy was? I gotta ask.

Oh, you know, it's pretty. It's pretty much that dominance. Like, I want to be dominated. I want to, you know, have him take control. There was always something about, like, doing it outside the bedroom.

Nice.

You know, just adventurous. Yeah. So I thought it was pretty.

Yeah.

Yeah. No, that's awesome. That's. That's a really, like. I mean, a lot of women have that fantasy, and they don't never ask for it. Right. So good for you. I doubt he thought that was boring at all. I think he probably just was like, I want to keep doing different things. And so is your question kind of like, how do you maybe develop more fantasies so you have more of a richer spectrum to choose from? Like a. A fantasy? Like, are you kind of like, I don't know where to go from there because there's a lot of women who don't naturally fantasize, and they got to kind of work on it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, that's definitely part of it.

Yeah. So what's the. So what would you say is the main thing then? Like, I doubt you're boring in bed, all that. So that stuff, I think, is just your own. I'm not even gonna go there because I don't think any of that's true, and it's. You know what I'm saying? But how can I specifically help you?

Yeah, I guess. What are some ways that I can maybe get more comfortable kind of speaking up and asking for. And getting comfortable with asking for. Focus on me and focus on my pleasure and not be so in my head about being a perfectionist and really going above and beyond for my partner?

Okay, that is a great question. I'm so glad. I'm so glad you asked that, because it's. It's true that, like, first of all, what you can do is spend some time, like, how you become a better lover is when you really? Also, you know, there's a little different part. Of course, it's being attentive to your partner's needs, but really it's about knowing what really turned you on. And for most women, I'd say a lot, majority of women, it doesn't just come that naturally. We're not sitting around thinking about sex all the time. Like, men are. Like, I can tell you my fantasy was that woman at the bank who just took my money. Like, she was my fan. Like, they think about it all the time. And so I've actually been doing this work in the last year too, because I realized, like, I have some fantasies, but, you know, I want to work on it because it really will help you. Like, do you masturbate? Yes. Okay. Because that. That good. And have you played with how often?

I mean, it's not that often. It's really maybe a couple times a month. You know, I could definitely explore that.

A little bit more. I would say I would try bump that up. Because the truth is, it's like masturbation begets masturbation. Like, the more you have, the more you masturbate. Like, the more sex you're going to want to have, the more you're going to want to masturbate. When you masturbate, you can start exploring with, like, watching porn or maybe like, read erotica. Or maybe there's like, if you really are into like some more of like the. The discipline, maybe bonded stuff, you know, read some erotica around that and then that'll start giving you ideas and you'll be like, oh, God, that would be really hot. If you used handcuffs on me. Next time I'm going to bring handcuffs. And so it's like, you're not supposed to make this up out of nowhere. Like, how are you supposed to know? So it's just. I would just start exploring all the amazing stuff that's out there and find out if it's a visual. Like there's. You could listen to erotica, you could read it, and then when you're masturbating, like, explore different techniques, different toys. Like, I was talking earlier in the show about how I was doing my kaggle exercises, like, for an entire year and how I now have, like, killer G spot orgasms. Like, I used to have clitoral ones because knock them out. Now my D spot orgasms, like, all the. Because those muscles are stronger. So for me, it's like, when I'm having sex, it's better. Like, so. And it got me to masturbate more. And the More I masturbate. I'm like thinking about sex, you know what I mean? So it's like different tools. And I think once you have that arsenal and you're like, okay, I got. I know exactly. You never going to know it's going to be changing too, that when you're with a partner, you'll know what to say because you're so in touch with your body and you know what you want and you'll have more of an arsenal to choose from.

Yeah, I mean, I like that. I think that's something that I can set out and try to do. It's kind of get me started. Because you don't always know where to go from there. You know, you aren't satisfied, but you're not entirely sure about how to go about kind of getting better.

Exactly. And you might be with. Right, exactly. And how would you know? Like, you know what I mean? It's a process. That's why I say we should always be working on our sex lives, prioritizing it and evolving over time. Because it's a static sex life just dies, you know, like the same thing over and over again. So, like, this is just really good work you could be doing. And a book that I love is Making Love Real by Celeste and Danielle.

Okay.

I think you get on Amazon. You can get on Amazon. Cause I've bought it for everyone I know. And there's a really great section on there about how to develop fantasies and your erotic blueprint and what your, you know, erotic theme is. Gives you some great materials for like, and it shows you like a lot of them don't know and kind of walks you through it. And I think it could be great material for you to get started.

That would be me. That's a great idea.

Okay, good, good. Let's start off the year, right? Let's do it. Okay, Jess, let me know what happens. And again, as far as asking guys what you want, though, when you said, how do you go about doing it? I think the guys, most of the guys in the planet are so friggin relieved when a woman's like, I know what I want, you know? So I think you're just gonna say it and then every time you'll just get more comfortable. It's practice.

You're so right. Yeah. I'm so glad that you were able to talk me through it. And that's why I listened to this podcast. You give me so many ideas.

Oh, Jess, I'm so glad. Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it. It's really Good to talk to your voice. So I'm glad it's helpful. Let me know how it goes. I want to hear, like, I really, truly need to know where you are in business, Emily. Bye, Jess.

Thanks.

Okay, bye.

Bye. Fantasy. I'm telling you guys, that was another one of my things last year. Through all my somatica work with Celeste and Danielle, I realized, like, yeah, I've got my basic fantasies, but it's something that really, for a lot of women, it just doesn't. You're not naturally, like, gonna have all this stuff to choose from. So I think it is important work. And again, masturbation, self love, sex with someone you love. Let's all kick that up this year. Great call. We've got Jay in the line. He's 22. He's calling from somewhere in the United States. Jay is struggling with a fear of physical intimacy and he's looking for guidance on how to overcome it. Right, Jay?

Yes, that is correct.

Tell me what's up. Thank you for calling.

Well, let's see. Long story short, when I was 18, I spent three grand on an escort service because I still have low self esteem and believed that I wasn't good enough to have sex without paying for it. Okay, that is the short version.

That's okay. That's a good version. Now, do you know any hunch where that low self esteem came from? Parents probably having to do.

Sorry, what was that?

Oh, I said like. No, I'm just. Yeah, actually, you know what? Just you tell me. Where do you think it comes from?

I was gonna say probably having to do with being born with disabilities and being told I wasn't good enough my entire life would my guess.

Yeah, that sounds traumatic.

That's what it is. I'm used to it.

Right. No, now you're good. But like, these things that happen to us at an early age, being born with a disability, I mean, that's really something that a lot of people don't realize that you actually do. It is trauma, especially if it's not handled like, I don't know how your parents, like, talk to you about it or. But like. And then you. It sits with you for a lifetime and it can really, like, wreak havoc on a lot of things you do. So that would make sense, like maybe kids. Kids teased you or you didn't have the support and, you know. Yeah. You thought you weren't good enough. Can I ask, like, what. What the disability is?

There's several Tourette's. Bipolar, adhd, cerebral palsy, and OCD are my Diagnoses.

Okay, that's, that's a, that's a, that's a handful there. Okay. And so how are you feeling now though? Like, do you feel like you've got stuff under control? You've doctors, you know, where, where are you at in your life right now? Are you in school?

I feel like I, I have my disabilities under control. I'm taking medication and that's. And that's helping. It's just, you know, the self esteem thing is more of a problem than the disabilities are themselves.

Right, exactly. That's kind of what has occurred because of the disability. Well, I'm glad to hear that you feel like you've got that, you know, everything under control, but these self esteem issues are not a quick fix, I have to say that. Have you ever had therapy?

I have. It hasn't really worked for me because surprisingly, I am not good at talking about myself and opening up. I don't really do well opening up. I've had several different therapists, so none of them have worked for me.

Okay, you know what I would recommend for you because I would say this is a trauma. So I've just talked to other people and dealt with other people who have disabilities of all different kinds. And I feel like you don't realize that at a young age. I mean, I'm assuming you got teased and you internalize this message that you weren't good enough and that you, you know. And so I think that I would recommend. Have you ever heard of EMDR therapy?

No. What is that?

It's called eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. And it's a psychotherapy treatment that helps alleviate people from stress trauma. And what they do is you really don't even have to talk. And I was actually just reading about this, about how it really helps people with disabilities and with trauma. And you go in and you like hold, like in either hand, you, like, hold. It's going to sound really like, woo, New agey. I hear this from people. Like, you can read about it online. Like I. From people I respect very well. It's really been helpful. And you like, hold these. Like it basically reprograms your mind from these messages. Like it'll take you back to like the traumatic spot. Like maybe something happened or someone said something to you a certain time and it'll help you. You rewire your brain. I just think that that would be a great therapy for you because if you can pinpoint that's exactly what it is, that could help you just kind of stop the thought process. And you kind of rewire the way you're processing information.

Interesting.

Yeah. And so it's like they can do it with your eyes, where you're like, your eyes are going back and forth and, like, you're looking at a light, or you hold these different tools in your hand. Like, each one beeps, like, in your hand, and you'll move your hand. And it does. It has this process of, like, rewiring. That's like, a technical thing I would tell you to do, like, if therapy didn't work for you in that. Because I just think therapy is super, super helpful. And so it's called emdr, and you could probably find someone with your insurance who does that. But going back to the self esteem thing, it's like, I told, like, I can tell you, like, all the things, you know, we talk about on the show, like, believe that you are not your thoughts and surround yourself with people who love you. And every time you accomplish something that's really good, you know, you tell yourself these positive messages and act as if. And there's, like, a lot of different things. But I feel like this is really deeply ingrained with who you are and especially around sex, feeling like you had to pay for it and at such a young age and that no one else would love you. I feel like there's some complicated things in here, because you sound super confident, awesome to me, but I feel like this is holding you back. Obviously. It is. So.

It is. Yeah. But back to the EMD thing or EMR.

EMDr.

EMTr.

Oh, Em. D as in dog, R as in Ralph.

Okay.

So for the EMDr, I also have a lazy eye, so would that.

Oh, absolutely.

In any way either.

No, that would not affect it in any way at all. It would.

Okay.

Yeah, I promise it would. I mean, talk to a therapist about it, but it just keeps coming up. I keep reading all these things of people with trauma and physical disabilities. I actually just talked to a friend recently about it who grew up with something, and she said that it has helped her because then you, like, it actually takes you back to, like, a moment, like, you could do some inner child work. And it's kind of hard to, like, really explain it. You could actually read it right now online, but it's. I just think it's a. It's a very cute way of dealing with this. That could be helpful.

Interesting.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Yeah, you're welcome.

I appreciate it. Thank you.

Okay, good luck. And you can also find a lot of great books on Amazon about EMDR and how to get started. You know, Google it, stuff like that.

Awesome.

Yeah. Okay. Good luck to you. Bye, Jay. Thanks. Yeah, you guys, emdr. I've done it. I've done emdr. I've done every kind of therapy in the planet. And it's very, very helpful, I have to say. Like, you go and you like target like a specific traumatic event in your life. There's like different ways of doing it. I'm wondering if, like I, if I'm really like even explaining it to you. I'm trying to read a sentence here for, Let me see something online. It's like a successful treatment with EMDR therapy. Effective. Effective. Distress is relieved, negative beliefs are reformulated, and psychological arousal is reduced. So the client attends to emotionally disturbing material in brief sequential doses while focusing on external stimulus. So that could be like a light that you, you move your eyes back and forth or you could have in your hand like two little buzzers and every time it buzzes you squeeze it. And I know this might sound kind of esoteric to a lot of people. You're like, what? But it can be very helpful form of therapy. Our next call, we Brittany, 24 from New Jersey. Brittany's in a sticky situation with her live in ex boyfriend and wants to know if it's possible to have no strings attached sex with an ex. Hey, Brittany.

Hi.

Hi. Welcome to the Sex with Emily show.

That's.

Thank you so much.

Of course.

I'm so glad you called in. It's awesome. I'm loving this. I'm loving to get to talk to my listeners and now we can really get into this. So, okay, you're living with an ex boyfriend and you want to have no strings attached sex with him or another ex?

No. Well, it's more so like I just don't know where the boundaries are between like casual sex and like sex with feelings. And he's the one who's like kind of starting to bring feelings back into it. And I'm like, I don't know if this is normal or if this is, this is him. Like, maybe he still does want to be with me or something like that.

I, I don't.

Yeah, he's like, he's being very convincing.

Okay, so here's the thing. No strings attached sex also, you know, also known as friends with benefits. The only way these scenarios work, and typically it's very short lived, is when both people are on the same page that they're going to sleep with other people. We're not going to bring emotions into it. And we're just going to have a good time and we're going to have sex. But typically where it veers off is when one person develops feelings and the other person doesn't, and that's when it ends. Because if you truly don't have feelings for him anymore and he's starting to display feelings again, it's just not gonna work unless you have feelings for him.

No, I definitely still do have feelings for him.

Oh, you do? Okay. So wait a minute. When did you guys break up?

We broke up. Well, it was very, like, back and forth for, like, a couple months, but I guess officially by, like, August.

Okay, so you broke up in August, and how long have you been together?

Two and a half years.

Okay, two and a half years. You broke up in August, so what, like, six months ago? I'm bad with math. Yeah, six months ago. Okay, so. So for six months you've been living together, not having sex? Or has it been. It never really stopped.

Yeah, it just. At first, he kind of wanted to cut it off, and then he would continue initiating it, and I never wanted to stop anyway.

But why did it end?

But then when he. At first he said that he felt like he needed to work on himself, and then he wanted to stay together, and then it kind of slowly snowballed into him being like, no, I don't want to be with you right now.

Okay. And why are you still living together? Just the two of you?

Yeah, it's just the two of us. Well, like, financial reasons, and our lease isn't up until May, so.

Right, right. Okay. So, gosh, I mean, you say he's starting to display emotions. What does that mean exactly?

He gets, like, very, like, intimate, you know? Like, he's, like, cupping my face and, like, tracing my lips with his fingers. And, I mean, the other night, he even, like, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, whispered that he loved me. And I was like, whoa. Like, a month ago, we were just having, like, crazy, like, hookup sex. And it wasn't like that. And then now, all of a sudden, it's, like, taking a change, where it's become, like, very intimate. And I'm like, whoa. Like, do you still have feelings for me? Like, he's very, like, back and forth about it.

Well, I'm sure he does still have feelings for you, obviously, but he's protecting himself because he ended it because he's got this idea to work on himself. Right. So has he been working on himself? Yeah.

I think a lot of the root of his problems at the time were that he was like, unhappy with his job and everything. And now he seems to be a lot happier with where he is, like, career wise.

Okay, well, mean, typically that can be a huge thing for men. When men, like, are not satisfied with career or their financial situation, they like, can like, shut down, not want to have sex. Like they're, you know, because men are like the providers. I mean, it's like biology, right? So I get that. But I also am concerned if you guys are still living together and the sex is great. Like, I could see him being like, yeah, in the moment, I'm feeling all this stuff. But then he could just again say to you in a few months, no, I don't want to do it. So I'm worried about your, your emotional state now, what he could do, like, how this could impact you. I think you have to have a talk with him. You have to just be like, I mean, you guys been together over two years. Like, I think you say, you know what, the other night, like, I'm feeling really connected to you again. It feels great. It's almost like, you know, we never broke up. But I can't help but think, like, we, we. We're broken up and we're living together because of these, these financial restraints, which I actually don't believe in. I think you could find someone to take over your lease because that would be the healthy thing to do if you guys were like, in a bad situation and fighting. But it sounds like maybe you're getting back together. Like, I don't know, like, were you happy with everything in the relationship? Were you, like, not ready to break up? Are there things that you've concerns about?

Yeah, I was.

I was totally happy. Like, I wanted to be with this person. I know. Like, I. I love him and I still love him and I want to see him happy and. But there is, like, a part of him that.

That's.

He's like two, three years older than me, and he is kind of like a party boy. Like, he will go out every night. Like, we live in a shore town where, like, summers are. That's why we can't find anybody to fill our lease because our town is dead in the winter.

Right? Okay.

Every night with his. He wants that freedom, right?

Which a lot of people do in their 20s, right? They want that freedom. So he. Right now, he's having his cake and eating it too. Brittany. That's what's happening. So you're there. He really loves you. He really cares about you. But he's an independent guy. He's slept with you last few years, and he's probably wants to figure out what he really wants, and he's a little bit confused. And there's nothing wrong with that. It has nothing to do with you either. It has to do with the fact that you guys have been together for two and a half years or whatever, and you're 24 years old. I, you know, my hunch is that, like, you're there. It's great. But, like, if something else comes up or he might get these feelings again, you're going to be hurt. And so I would really protect yourself right now. And I don't know how Odyssey is or how articulate he is with his emotions, but there's nothing wrong with saying it's feeling like things are getting intimate again. And it feels. Feels really good to me. But I need to check in with you. Like, where are we at? Like, tell me how you're feeling about us. And I think once you ask that, Let him talk. See what he says. He might say, no. Yeah, I've been thinking, I want to love you. I love you. Or he might say, you know what? Nothing's changed. It's the same. I just really like having sex with you. I'm assuming you haven't asked him.

Yeah.

Okay. And then you're going to have your answer. Because I feel like the longer this goes on, like, like, the harder it's gonna be. I'm just not feeling like he's definitely. He's going out every night. He's one of those guys. I mean, do you want to be? I mean, how does that feel when he goes out every night with his buddies drinking?

It was not great. I mean, like, it was a big reason, like, why, you know, we, like, would start fighting. Because I felt like he was choosing his friends over me.

Right. So there were every single night. So he wasn't the perfect guy. Like these. That. That's a major thing. Right. He's not prioritizing you or your relationship. He's like. He comes home when he has sex with you because you're the there and he loves you, you know, in the way, like, he connects with you. But I don't think that this is gonna the bode well for the long term. So either you have this talk with him, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he'll say, like, yes, I love you. But. But his behavior. We gotta look at behavior also over words. His behavior is showing. I'm going out every night, My friends do my thing. Coming home and having sex with you. And that wouldn't feel that doesn't feel great. I think if you can't.

Going out has sided a little bit like within the past few months. Month. Which is nice because it's winter, but.

Yeah.

Right. Everyone wants to stay home, watch Netflix and chill. Now, I know you're in a summertime beach town. I get it. I'm just saying be careful, tread lightly. Like if he listen to what his answer is and you might have to pull back from it because I think you're going to get hurt. Because he's roping you back in again. Not on purpose. I don't think that he's a bad guy. I think he can't help it. You know, you're great, you're there. He likes having sex with you. But again, I would just watch Take care of yourself right here. But because no one else is going to take care of your own emotions. True.

Yeah.

Yeah. And then if he says yeah, I don't still feel the same way. Wishy washy, Wishy washy. Well, then, you know. And I think you have a decision to make. Can I have emotionally detached sex with him or can I not? And if you can't, then you have to stop. Just cut it off. Quitting. Quitting like a drug or something. Quitting smoking. Like quitting him. You got to quit him. Which is really hard to do if you live together. So that's what I say. Let me like, let me know how it goes. Brittany. But you gotta have that talk like asap, because he's so happy you're not talking about it. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Right. So you gotta bring it up and take care of yourself, take care of your heart. Okay? All right. Okay. Brittany, good luck to you. You got this, girl.

All right. Thank you so much.

You're welcome. Have a great day. Thanks. God. Friends with benefits. Very rarely it works like, it's like a short term thing, you guys. There's always gonna be one person who wants more, other person wants less. This is what happens. But I feel for Brittany and okay, here's the other thing. You guys staying together with somebody for financial reasons is not the reason to stay with them. There's always a way to get out of a situation that's not helpful for you. Or even moving in together after you do something for a week. Because we want to save on rent. Not a good idea. Never a good idea. So doesn't work with Britney. She can find someone to take over the lease. People put on Craigslist. It'll happen in five minutes. All right. Those were Good calls. God, I love talking to you. Okay, now we're going to end with one email. Hello, Emily. I've listened to your show on and off in the past, but I've recently been more consistent. I enjoy listening to you and your guests ideas. I've been with my girlfriend a little over a year. She has an issue with me watching porn and getting off in my personal time. I understand that you'd rather watch it with me, which I'm willing to try. However, that's different than watching it on my own. We've talked about this in the past, but she's very much against me watching porn without her. What do you think can be done to better this situation? I've tried to steer away from the porn, but I do get that. That itch to watch it again. Thanks, TJ, age 33. Here's the thing, TJ, is that a lot of women. Here's why. So here's why. It's upsetting her. She might feel like you're more attracted to the women that you're watching in porn than you are to her, that you'd rather watch porn than have sex with her. And a lot of women compare themselves to the women in porn and they really don't understand that watching porn for men is just. Is a release. It's just kind of like this normal activity. I mean, it is normal for men to watch it. And I think a lot of women can be me threatened by it. And I have to say that when I was like 24, my boyfriend was watching porn and I was one of these women. I was upset by it. And then one day we watched porn together. I'm like, okay, so he wants me to have blonde hair and really big boobs. That's if you've seen pictures of me. That is not how I look. Very opposite.

This is how I felt.

I was like, we're having amazing sex. And it was like literally at the time, the best sex of my life until this day. Looking back, I learned a lot. That was a very pivotal relationship for me. And it was so confusing to me. I felt so connected to him and we were so intimate. Like, why does he want to watch porn? Like, I was hurt by it. Just to give you like the female side of it and what she's feeling. But there's nothing wrong with you watching porn. It's completely normal. It's healthy. It's a great stress reliever for men. Men get more aroused by visual images than women. You know, there's parts of your brains that lights up when you're, when you're actually watching porn again, you're not doing anything wrong. And for you to stop trying to watch porn, like, of course you're getting that itch because she's telling you what to do and not to watch porn. Porn. And it sounds like you're using it in a very healthy way. I think it's only like 5% of the population that is actually using it in unhealthy way. Meaning, like there's consequences. Like you can't leave your house because you're watching so much porn. You can't even get an erection unless you're watching porn. It doesn't sound like you're that guy. I think that you really just have to, you know, this might be hard to do, but you, you got to explain to her that, you know, you were watching porn before you met her, that it's a release, that you're still very attracted to her and that this is, has nothing to do with her. Now she wants to watch porn with you. I don't know if she's ever watched porn on her own. And I think that you totally should watch porn with her. In fact, that might be really healthy for your relationship. Finding something that you're both into, some female friendly porn would be great. I think that you should totally do that. But I don't think that you should give up your own porn watching habit. And also maybe if she hasn't watched porn, that could be another thing. Maybe she's never watched porn before and maybe she's confused by that. So if you watch it together and you make it about the two of you. So again, you're not just sitting there going like, come on in, I'm already watching this. But like, you pick out something that you're both into and you know, you're making out, you're kissing, and then you kind of look back, you're like, God, that might be hot to try that. So you, maybe there's something that you guys learn from watching porn together. You can take it back into your own relationship. I think that's fine. I think porn is actually a great tool for many couples. Arousal for learning new things in bed. But as far as, you know, her trying to limit your porn watching, I just, I'm not okay with that. This might be a learning curve for her and hopefully it's not a deal breaker. Okay, so you've been together over a year. This makes sense. So you, you've been together, you know, over a year and it's okay. I'm glad that she brought this up to you. I'm glad that she lets you know that she's having a hard time with it. That's super healthy. I think that you guys can have this conversation and let her know, like, that it has nothing to do with you not wanting to be with her and that you really. You really love her and you want to be with her and you want to make this work. And it's. It's a. It's actually. This will probably bring you guys closer together. I think that a lot of times we shy away from having these conversations with our partners, or you're trying to appease her by saying, okay, babe, I'm not going to watch porn. Anything to make you happy. Guess what? That doesn't work. That doesn't work in relationships, right? Again, unless it's really an unhealthy habit, but it sounds like, you know, you're using it in healthy way. This is something that a lot of men and a lot of women do. And. And it's completely, like, healthy. It's actually a really healthy release. Just like people get upset that their partner masturbates. Like, I've heard a lot of men email, too. They're like, why is she masturbating but she won't have sex with me? Sex. I think it's really important for us all to masturbate when we're in a relationship and we're not. You guys have heard me say this on the show so many times that don't stop masturbating just because you're in a relationship. In fact, your girlfriend should be masturbating. I hope she's masturbating. And maybe if you guys watch porn together, she'll feel like, oh, yeah, this is bad. I want to start watching my own content. Important. So, again, I think this can be really healthy for your relationship. And this is kind of like one of these typical debates that couples get into. And I hear this all the time from both sides of the spectrum, men and women. But I think this is going to be a great turning point for your relationship. And you guys can handle this in a healthy, productive way. And I bet you it'll even enhance your intimacy and your relationship. So thank you for emailing and let me know how it goes. Okay. That was fun, you guys. I can't tell you how much I love talking to you. Like, it is a blast. I love hearing your voices. I love getting down to business and helping you with everything. Please stay in touch. Email me, go to my website, send me your questions. I just want to thank everybody for listening to the show and being part of the Sex with Emily family. Thank you to my own team. Thank you to Madison and Jamie and Eddie and Ken and Michael here doing the sound. I love you all. Thank you all for listening and following me and social media and all that stuff. I love you. I love my listeners. Thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackswithemily.

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