Fidelity, Fantasy & Phone Sex

Stop what you're doing and listen closely because Bellesa and I are giving away free spicy toys or gift cards to every single one of you. That's right. Everyone who signs up wins something. And if you haven't heard of Bellesa, let me put you on. They're a bi woman for everyone company that's completely flipping the script on sexual wellness. And now they're hooking you up. You've definitely seen Bellesa's viral toys all over your for you page. Like the rose, it blew up for a reason. This little flower shaped suction toy is iconic. Or. Or their famous whisper collection. You know, the first fully ever silent vibrators. If you live with roommates, parents, or even if your partner is sleeping right next to you, these toys are silent without compromising power. Or their new Pebble Pro. They just one up their best selling pebble with a stronger, smarter and seriously spicy redesign. Ballast has somehow figured out how to engineer a one stop pleasure shop with three interchangeable heads. It sucks. It humps. It licks. It vibrates. I'm speechless. And of course, I had to hook all of you up. So my friends at Bellesa are sending out free toys or gift cards for toys to everyone who signs up. You heard that right. Every single one of you wins something. Just click the link in the episode description or head to bbvibes.com Emily that's B B V I B E S.com Emily thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show. I'm taking your sex and relationship calls, which I love. I love talking to you guys. Topics include when is phone sex considered cheating, how to practice brutal honesty in an open relationship, the crucial steps you must take to work through trust issues with your partner, the challenges around revealing your sex positivity, when your peers might not be ready to accept it, and ways to heal so you can take your life back after ending an unhealthy relationship. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, that feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's, not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com because it's a good time there. You'll love it. We're posting blogs every day and all the shows and everything you need to know in life to have better sex and relationships. Also, subscribe on itunes and you guys review the show. I love it. I read all of your reviews and I know you're listening to the podcast probably on your phone now. So if you just like click on review while you're waiting in traffic, well, not in traffic, while you're sitting at the office, wherever you're at, that would be awesome. It really helps the show. And also check out my Valentine's Day video series. It's on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. We have 14 days of video tips leading up to Valentine's Day because listen, guys, whether you love or hate Valentine's Day, I just wanna make it a stress free and sexy day for you. So we had a lot of fun doing these videos. So check it out. Exwithemily, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. And let me know what you think of them. I'm gonna read your comments. Do you want more videos? Should we do more videos? If you want more Valentine's Day tips, we've got blogs on the website. We've got creative gifts, some DIY things you can do. Cause I just want you to have a good time. Cause it's a day of love, not a day of stress and anxiety. And if you're single on Valentine's day, awesome. Being single is not a death sentence. In fact, if you're single on Valentine's day, just do something for you. It's a day of love. Love yourself. Buy yourself something. Hang out with your friends. Have a potluck. Just. I'm wishing happy Valentine's Day to everybody because I just want it to be fun and full of love like every other day of the year. That's what I want for you. Also, you guys just join me on social across the board. Exwithemily, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and Twitter. Because I always post when there's a new episode that's live. I'm always sharing like really cool articles and tips and I just love hearing from you. So it's ex with Emily and I will see you out there in the social world. Okay? Today's show was awesome. I loved it. We've got some calls coming up. I love when you call in, and I love talking to you. But first, I have some sex in the news recently, I was asked to comment on a study about your secret sexual fantasies, which I was excited about because I feel like fantasies are really misunderstood. There's actually two kinds of sexual fantasies. There's the ones that you want to try and the ones that you don't. It's completely healthy to have, like, a bevy of both. We just have to know which ones we want to try out and which ones we'd rather keep to ourselves in our mind. And you don't have to share them with a partner. It's great to have interesting fodder when you're masturbating and you don't have to share it. But if you do have fantasies, you know that you want to make a reality. Here's my question for you. How many of you have actually tried to make these fantasies a reality? I'm thinking a lot of you are like, yeah, no, I want to. I've been wanting to have a threesome, or I've been wanting to speak my partner, but I haven't yet. There's no better sex than the present moment. What are you waiting for? If you know you want to try this thing and you're with someone and you're having good sex right now, just say to them, this would be hot. So here's a study. It was in men's health, and it's called 4 out of 5 women want you to do this in bed. Give her a Valentine's Day she won't forget. 3. Thanks to this exclusive data from Simpatic US, here are the top fantasies for women talking dirty. Number one. So 81% of women said they wanted their partner to talk dirty more often during sex, which makes sense because the brain is our most powerful sex organ. Okay? So that's what turns us on. We love hearing words. We love when you whisper in our ear. So talking dirty is a big fantasy. And I always talk about it. I've given a lot of tips about it. We have some stuff on our website, how to get stuff started with dirty talk. So I think it's important. Don't trip on it like you have to sound like a porn star. In fact, I want to tell you, please don't, but try out some dirty talk. Number two was going to a strip club. Okay, so you might be like, what? Yeah, here's this. 70% of women said they were interested in going to a strip club with their partner. I know. I was surprised, too. I thought 70 that's high. So if you're that person who's like slinking around strip clubs because you're like, my partner would freak out, guess what? 70%. So it's really hot because I actually think it's a safe way to explore a threesome without all the hassle. So you're going to the strip club. You know, there's kind of that taboo because you're watching it with your partner or they watch you and you're getting teased by like a stripper. And it can be really hot. So as long as you talk about it beforehand, it's great foreplay because then you'll go home and have awesome sex. Okay, the third one, using a remote controlled sex toy. How about this? 63% of women said they fantasized about using remote controlled sex toys. And 44% said they actually wanted their partners to operate remote controlled sex to sex toys in public. Which is hot. You guys, I've done that. Like the vibrating underwear. My partner has the remote and you go to a party and don't know that you're wearing it. It's really hot and I'm so excited. Cause We Vibe actually just came out with one. I was so excited. It's the Jive by We Vibe. It's an egg that you can wear inside of you and your partner can control it using the We Connect app. So on their phone you could be out and he's vibing you with the jive. So the reason why this is hot though is because it's a turn on. You know, you could get caught. You're out in like an environment with people around, but your partner's like, you know, vibing you and you, you'll have an orgasm. Who knows? So that's a really fun thrill seeking fantasy. I love that one. So the last one, you guys being blindfolded, no surprise. 58% of women said they fantasized about being blindfolded during sex. Because, you know, you take away one sense and everything else becomes more amplified. She gets to lose control while you take over and give a really hot massage. You go down on her, maybe she wants you to be a little bit dominant. So just check in with your partner, see how she's feeling about it or talk about ahead of time and see like, I've got this blindfold or what's your fantasies? And here's what you gotta do with this information. If you're like, I'm not gonna walk home with a blindfold or remote control sex toy. You don't have to you know what you do need to do is that when you get home tonight or next time you see your partner, say, I just heard this great study about sexual fantasies and I wanna check these numbers with you. Is this something that you've thought of? Cause I think it'd be hot. So there you go. Blame it on me and make your sexual fantasies come true. Okay, now we're onto your calls, and if you have a question that you want me to answer on the show, you can easily text it to me. That's Ask Emily, all one word to 797-979. I love that you guys have been doing that lately. It' easy. If you want to be called during the show, you just check that box that you'd like to be called. You can also submit it through the website sexwithemily.com via the Ask Emily tab. And please always include your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show, because it helps me help you. Thanks, guys. Can't wait to hear from you. Okay, we have Brittany. She's 32 from Utah, and she's having difficulty with fully opening up a relationship and issues around trust and honesty. Hi, Brittany. Welcome to the show.

Hi, Emily. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited.

I'm excited too. It's great talking to you. Tell me what's going on with you, sweetie.

Okay, so I. My questions are in regard to an open relationship. So I. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for three years. We have talked about an open relationship from day one. We've kind of stepped into that water a little bit with threesomes. But we are truly looking to open up fully to that next step of open relationships. But my issues are being able to be a hundred percent open and honest and how to start that type of conversation before, maybe during and after when you start that open relationship.

Right.

I'm not sure how.

That's a really great question. So you guys have already started, though. You said you've already, like, started having threesomes and things like that. But now you really. So yeah. The thing about open relationships are, is that people that I know in open relationships and what I always say is that, you know, you really do have to. To practice, like a rigorous honesty. And people think, oh, God, I can never handle that. There's jealousy and trust. But the truth is you realize that once you actually address these feelings and you talk about them, it takes all the power away. I mean, you'll still experience it, but it won't be like, have such a grip and such a hold on you. And so some tips around this would be just really, like, having honest communication with your partner about, like, what are the rules? I always have couples, like, what are the rules? What are the boundaries? You know, couples do it differently. I know couples who are in open relationships and they share a space, you know, a calendar together. And they're like, these are the days we're going to be together. These are the days I'm seeing somebody else. You know, there's people who are like, you can't spend a day with someone. You can only spend nights, or you can't have sleepovers, or you can't have penetration, or, you know, So I feel like first you have to figure out just from what you know now. And you can always adjust it down the line, but really have a talk with them and, like, write it down together, like, sit down and create a document that's like, what. What. What's acceptable and what's not. I think that's a great place to start before you jump into it.

Okay.

Okay. Yeah.

And. Oh, sorry, what were you talking about?

No, no, no. I was gonna say. No, no, no, sweetie, it's okay. I was gonna say, like. And then dealing again, the trust part, it's like so much in life about. We're so fearful of what could happen. We're afraid what's gonna feel. We feel this terrible jealousy and we feel hurt. And all those things can, of course, happen. And people get jealous in monogamous relationships all the time. So it's not like we're free from jealousy. But when you're in an open relationship, you're just jumping right into it. But I feel like people who are in these relationships actually learn how to deal with it and cope with it together. And so I think that you're going to. You're going to figure that out. So. Yeah. What was your question, though? Beyond.

So my question on that one is where we have. I have had some trust issues with him. We've had instance where there has been a few boundaries that have got crossed and we have talked about them and we have moved past them, and it still comes back that still, he hit it before. Is he going to hide it again? And how do you work through something like that?

Okay, so I'm so glad you asked that question, because here's the thing. People lose trust in a relationship. We often think like, oh, we said, I'm sorry, and enough time has passed and it should just be gone. But there's specific ways to handle it. Like, you're Allowed to keep bringing it up until you feel better. So I don't know. For some couples, it helps that you know every single detail of the transgression, what happened, why he made that decision, and what he's going to do in the future. So, like, I don't know if he's covered that, if he was willing to talk it through, because it's really hard to rebuild trust, but it can happen. So it's okay that you're still feeling on shaky ground. You might not be ready to open it up yet. What happened exactly? Because if you're open, he cheated on you when you weren't open, or he.

So we were.

We weren't open. And there was sexting that had gone back between a woman, and I happened to come across it. It sounds really bad. I wasn't searching through his phone.

Okay.

There was a backstory behind that, and I found it. So I did ask him about it. It was about a year and a half ago. So, I mean, it has happened and we have moved past it, but it still kind of comes back. And then there was another where he was texting another woman. It wasn't sexual.

It wasn't.

But it was more emotional, and he had started to get that bond. And it took me enough to say, well, I feel like there's a line that's been crossed. And once I said that, we were able to communicate, but I feel that he's been 100% open about it, and he has allowed me to ask as many questions. I guess my fear is to bring it back up. Is it make it sound that I don't trust him? Because I do. It's just that feeling still there. It's like, okay, well, gonna happen again. I believe you, but is it gonna happen again? And it's a fear of mine, right?

No, that makes total sense because he's put you in that situation twice. And so you're absolutely right to feel that way. And I think that there just has to be. I mean, at some point, you're just gonna have to take his word for it that he is gonna be honest. But are you guys on the same page about most other things? Like, is it just gonna be open until it's not? Or is this the kind of. Is this your lifestyle, you think, or is he the one for you? He is. We.

We really have no need to look someone else. We've both been married. We've both been divorced. We have the life. We're both growing together, and we see a future. We've talked about a Future, our future has been slow. And we like it because it is at our pace. It's not anybody else's pace.

Right.

And I like it because we've talked about this from day one. This has not been something that's been surprised for either one of us.

Yeah, well, it sounds like pretty health healthy in the sense of that you guys are both on the same page about. It wasn't like he talked you into it or you talked him into it.

Yeah.

But he has to really understand that. And I think it's totally okay to bring it up because again, then you're not being honest and truthful that this is still triggering you. And also, a lot of couples go to therapy to deal with, with trust issues. And sometimes you can't, you can't go any further on your own. And I believe so strongly that couples therapy is like, so important for every couple, like, no matter what stage of the relationship. Because a lot of times we just get caught up in the same kind of arguments and we can't. Or the same challenges and we just can't move past it and we. A third party. So if you're feeling that way, you can go a few sessions. It's not like you have to commit and go for years, but when you're just kind of navigating, you know, maybe there could be a therapist that could also help you rebuild it. But you, again, I would just reinforce that to you. That feels awful when he's texting with someone and there's no emotions, but you know that he. You feel like he's having an emotional bond with somebody else. So if the answers don't make you feel better and you still feel like there needs to be more work, I would say therapy, but I keep talking about it. And don't jump into the open really opening it up yet until you're feeling a little more secure. You know, the trust and the jealousy, that's still going to come up, but I feel like you're just not there yet, and that's okay. Like, please be kind to yourself and know that there has to be. There just has to be some more conversations around it. So I think that's completely normal. And don't, don't pressure yourself into doing something you're not ready for. Okay.

Oh, thank you so much.

You're so welcome. Brittany, I am really glad you asked these questions because I think it's, it's really helpful for, for you and for others. So you're doing great. So just keep talking and being open and vulnerable. Okay? You're welcome. Thank you for calling, Brandi. So good to talk to you. So good to talk to you.

It was good talking to you.

Bye, Brittany.

Have a good day.

Bye. You too. Bye. Bye. The other thing I was gonna mention before she hung up, and hopefully she'll listen to this, is there's a great book called Opening up by Tristan Taormino, which I think it's one of the great books on open relationships. So I was gonna recommend that, but you guys, it's tricky waters. But as you all know, we've gone through, you know, I think a lot of us have experienced situations where we don't trust our partner cheating, and it takes some time to rebuild, but the more honest and open you are, the better. And again, we experience in all different kinds of relationships, monog. Or being single. So I'm really glad she was honest and open. Thank you, Brittany. Okay, we have Mark. He's 37 from Maryland, and he wants to know, is paid phone sex cheating? Hi, Mark. Welcome to the show. Thanks for calling.

Thanks. Emily, how are you?

I'm great. I'd love to hear some background. Sure.

So my wife and I have been in a relationship for 19 years, 13 of which we've been married. Love her a lot. However, over the years, our sexual fire has cooled quite a bit.

Spice things up.

I've suggested a number of things, some of which are some kinks. However, she isn't into any of it. Therefore, I've been paying to explore some of these interests through phone sex with a phone sex operator. So my question is, am I cheating? Should I stop? What should I do?

That's a great question, Mark. I mean, because it's funny that it's. Yeah. I mean, it is cheating because it's in the sense of you're not being honest and open with your partner. But I also understand that, you know, sometimes we just need to get off without our partner. So my only concern here is that. And again, it's a case by case basis. It sounds like you've really tried talking to her about it. And there are some schools of thought that would say that, like, if this is what you need, then, you know, it's okay that you can, you know, you can do this. It's not impacting your relationship. When you've said to her, I want to try kink and I want to do all these things. And she says, no, no, no, I'm not into it. Have you turned it back on her and said, well, what are you into? Because she might not even know.

Yeah, I think that that's part of the problem. I think that I don't think she does know and maybe that's something that I need to be more open with her to discover that.

See, that's where I would go. So like where I would say this isn't cheating is if you've talked to her about it and she's like, listen babe, I'm not into that. And this is when you'd be in a healthy, communicative relationship, you know, where she's like, I get it, I'm never going to be into that. If you need to do that, I understand. And then you wouldn't have the guilt or the shame around it that you'd be cheating on her. But since you haven't done everything yet, you haven't really sunken into, you haven't had a two way conversation with her. You've basically said, this is what I'm into. How do you feel? And for a lot of partners will be like, what, you want to tie me up? I don't understand that, I've never done it, or whatever it is that you said. So I think if you really love your wife, which sounds like you do, that it's time for you to turn this energy that you're putting out there into kink and getting that need met with the phone sex operator back towards your relationship and seeing how you can strengthen your sexual bond and compatibility. And in some ways, you know, so that's really, I mean, do you guys still have sex? Are you attracted to each other?

We do.

And it has.

Yeah, we do. We actually have an eight, eight month year old son. So it's been a little bit harder. We've been actually scheduling sex and scheduling date nights and really trying to, you know, make an effort with it because it, you know, it's easy for it to fall with by the wayside at this point in our relationship.

Right. No, it's true. And so I think again, you have an 8 month old. I mean, yeah, she's, you know, that's a lot, lot going on. Her body's changing, you know, change hormones, all those things. But I think it would be great to, to just kind of find out, you know, do some things for her like pampering her and what makes her, her feel good and you know, giving her space to figure out, you know, her own body or get, get sexual again. And so, you know, if you've been listening to the show, there's a lot of different ways you guys can do that. But I think it's, it's really just comes down to talking, like, I understand that. And who knows, you said these things to her about King. She might feel like, oh, you know, that's what he wants, and I can't live up to it. She might have some things around that as well. See, the sex conversation isn't something that you have like once or twice. It's like it's an ongoing part of your conversation, like how you talk about your baby or how you talk about your home and you talk about work. It's like, this needs to be something that's ongoing and then it's less daunting. So if you say, I know I brought those things up, but I've been thinking more about us and, like, what can I do to sexually please you? She might say, I don't know. She might say, I have no idea. I've never thought about it. So, you know, some things would be like reading erotica, watching porn, listening to the podcast together. Maybe not this episode. You know, like seeing, you know, seeing a sex therapist, finding out what you could even say, babe, what's the most memorable night we've ever had sex to you? What do you remember? You know, and she could start from there. It might be the time that she. You gave her a massage first and she was really turned on. And then, you know, oh, she really likes touch. She needs to relax into sex, you know, So I feel like there's some more questions and more conversations you can have that could. Would really open up and blossom your sex life in a way that you never thought possible.

Well, great. Thank you.

Okay, bye, Mark. Thank you. Good luck to you.

Thank you for the call.

Have a good day. Of course. Thank you. Bye. Okay, so cheating. What is cheating? And you get to decide. Remember, there's no one, like, no one gets to decide how you live your own relationship, but you do, except for whoever is in the relationship. So you set your own rules, you set your own boundaries and your own guidelines. But if you haven't started healthy communication in your relationship around sexual, I'm not going to support going outside the relationship until you feel like you've done everything and you have agreements around what you can do to please yourself outside of the bond of marriage. So thank you, Mark. So now we're going to give a shout out to our sponsors. Thanks for listening.

Okay, we have Guillaume. He's 25, from Germany, and he wants to know about sharing his erotic painting with the world and how to manage perceived consequences. Hi, Guillaume, thank you so much for calling from Germany. This is a first. I Think exciting.

Well, thank you.

Yeah. So tell me about what's going on. Tell me some background here.

All right. So for the last year, I've been dating a pretty great woman. And so I've become way more comfortable with my sexuality and around my sexuality and talking about sexuality in general, whether it's concerning me or not. And I came up to a point where I was wondering what would be, like, the implications of being so upfunt about it and being so sexual about it and sort of coming out as a person who likes it and enjoys it, and what would be the implications of also being as depicted as a sensual man.

Right.

For instance. And.

Yeah, so. So these are some pain you're talking about, not just in your relationship, but you're saying you're an artist and releasing your paintings to the world. Like, are you going to be judged? Are you going to. Like, is there going to be. Are people not going to accept you anymore? Is that what you're asking? The consequences?

That's one of the things. Yeah. I have started, like, some amateur painting, and some of it, well, is pretty graphic sort of sex sensitive. And that's also one of the implications. Yeah, but generally it's more like about being sexual and showing it.

Oh, showing it. You mean even in your relationship, not just in your art? Well, because I think across the board, it is true that as a society, we're not as open and accepting around sex. But that said, I think that times are changing and you need. We need more people who stand up for what they believe in and to be good, a great model to the world that sex is okay and beautiful and accepted, and we're all sexual beings. And so I think that, you know, if it's your passion and it's something that you're really identifying with, that you have to just stand by that. Because, you know, we do need more people like you. You know, I remember when I read your. Your email, I was like, you know, I had the same concerns 13 years ago when I started that, you know, I went from a career in politics to come out to the world and say, now I'm, you know, talking about sex. And yes, people will have their own thoughts and judgments, but truly what I find is that the people that accept you for who you truly are and who you're becoming as a man, those are the people that you want to be around. Those are the people that you need in your life. And while there'll be judgments or there could be people who are, you know, not as open, I don't Think those are the people that you're going to want to spend more time around, you know, So I feel like as an artist, you probably know this. You have to kind of do what feels right to you.

So I also grew up like in a period of time when it was like, be very careful about what you post on Facebook because a future boss might sit. And.

I grew up in a time where there was a concern about the implications of Facebook.

You're right. You're absolutely right. Okay, so that's, that's a really, really good point. So my job is like, I knew that this is what I wanted to do with my life, so I figured I'm going to take the consequences and the people who literally are offended by it, but they're probably the people that are going to be most offended by it are going to be the people who probably need to do a lot of work around this area. Right. Like my show is about educating people to get rid of the shame and the blame and the fear around sex. But now for you, I understand as a 25 year old man, it is true though, we can't, we can't. We also can't say, well, it doesn't matter what you know, the world still exists the way it exists. And so I do think that you have to be mindful about what you put, you know, online, where you attach on your profiles on Facebook, for example. That stuff doesn't go away. So if you decide you want to be a banker in two years, you Google your name and your paintings are going to come up. So I understand that that could still have consequences. In that sense, someone might not hire you, but I don't know what your long term plans are about it. But for you, is this, is this the kind of thing that you're doing as a hobby or do you have other aspirations career wise? I mean, what's the big concern? Walk me through the worst thing that could happen.

Okay, so again, made a point about my long, long term concern. And that's just the point. I just don't know how it's myself in the long term. So I just take like every situation as a probability.

Right.

And I just wonder also, like coming out as a sexual person could impact my future, whether it is. So if I want to have a future as a sort of sex artist, I guess it's fine. But if, as you mentioned it, if I want to become a banker, that might be a bit controversial. So I'm also like in that very specific period of my life, just right at the end of the cities where I'm not totally sure what. What I want and I don't have, like, a totally figured out life.

Right, right. No, of course not. You're 25 years old, so know that that's exactly where you're supposed to be. Art has always been about eroticism. Like, if you look back, you know the art. And again, I'm not living in Germany. I don't know what your family's like, but great works of art are typically very much around sex and the female body and the male body and sexual. So I don't think this is anything new. It's really you wrecking silence with yourself that you're standing by what you do, what you believe in, in your art. And I don't think that that whole thing's about, be careful what you put on Facebook. It still exists, but I feel like, again, you know, that if it's what you want to do, you have to go with that. And I think that you would be frustrated if you're an artist, that you don't let that out into the world. And you'll probably be teaching a lot of people and inspiring a lot of people. So that's my advice for you, is to do you. Here's another idea. This is what they've been doing since the beginning of time. You could change your name. You could have a name that you use as an artist and as a writer that's not your own name. And then you're good.

Yeah. I'm also wondering, like, also if I just, like, use a fake name, like, or fake personality, fake identity, if people might read or see some art stuff or whatever, and they might be like, oh, that guy is fake, or he's hiding behind me.

No, they're not going to be. No. Well, if you want to be real, then I would just say you have to put yourself out there. I mean, I think that that's over. Always the best way to go is to authentically be yourself. And I think that when you make those choices and you stick by what you believe in, the world will reward you and that you don't want to live in a society where it doesn't. And so, you know you're going to have to make this decision. And if you're not ready yet, there's no, like, time bomb going off. Like, you don't have to do it now. So it sounds like there's some other things to consider, but I always believe that kind of the journey of life is becoming more vulnerable and more yourself and being the same you, wherever you are. So showing up as yourself. And so if you're feeling there's still this hypocritical part of you that doesn't feel right, then you're gonna. You're gonna know the right thing to do. Okay.

All right.

Thank you for calling in and good luck with your art and good luck with everything. And you sound really thoughtful and smart, and so I think the answers are gonna come to you. I think they're great questions. Just believe in yourself. Okay, bye. Thank you for calling. Have a great day. Bye. This, this really resonated with me because I have to say, when you come out there and you're like, this is who I am. This is. You know, for example, even with sex, I understand that people are going to judge, but they're always going to be that way in life. People are going to want to judge because people aren't loving themselves and they're not comfortable with who they are. And, you know, you trigger something in them and then oftentimes they can wake up. And so I think the more honest you are and the more vulnerable you are. That truly is the journey of life, is to truly accept yourself and love yourself so others can love you wholly and fully as well. Okay, we have Mary. She's 24, from New York City, and she wants to. To know how to let go of anger from a past unhealthy relationship and move on. Hi, Mary, thanks for calling.

Hi, Emily.

Hi. Tell me what's going on. Tell me some history here about your situation.

Yeah, so I'm just dealing with kind of processing an old relationship, and I find that I'm still having a lot of, like, anger and resentment from it. So basically I just got out of this really toxic, abusive relationship with this person that was like emotionally, verbally, physically abusive, which made me have to move across the country. And I just feel like I'm having to start over in this new life and that he gets to go kind of scot free and continue his life as is, and it's just like, makes me incredibly angry. And I've processed a lot of like, what's going on with how it's my fault or like things that I contributed to the relationship. But I'm having a hard time letting go of being angry in general and also just the sense that he can continue doing it to other women.

Right, okay, so he was physically abusive. I mean, have. Is this something that you. You like, went to the police about or could you have?

I was in New York at the time, and police saw him Throw me off my bike, but nothing was done. And I also knew that he was going to go and try and break into my apartment. And they said that they were basically no help and said that I would have to go back to my apartment and then call them when he was breaking in. So that kind of gave this feeling of nobody can really help me in my situation except take it into my own hands.

Yeah, I'm so sorry. That sounds so challenging, sweetie. I'm really sorry that you've been through all that. And so I'm glad you're out of that situation. And so what we can do now is I understand what you're saying about him being harmful for others, but what I'm concerned is right now is mostly about you and your own mental health. And so you said that you've kind of looked at your own part of it, because, yes, there's. Right. There's two people in every relationship. But I also hope that you're not still holding on to blaming yourself and beating yourself up. And I'm wondering if you've had any therapy around this, because when we're in toxic relationships and abusive relationships, it's trauma. Like, you just experienced traumatic trauma. Have you had any therapy?

I went to group therapy for domestic violence, and it was helpful, but it was also. It felt almost harming a little bit because I dealt with a lot of emotional, verbal, and financial abuse, where in this group therapy, it was a lot of women older than me that maybe had started families with men, and then they were, like, extremely, like, physically abusive. So I was having to hear, like, horror stories.

Yeah, No, I get it.

My situation never, you know, escalated to that point.

Right. Right now. So maybe it's a. Is there a way you could get into some individual therapy right now to talk about this?

Yeah, I think so.

Well, you think so. You do have. Do you have health insurance?

No, I don't.

Okay. Because there's also, like, clinics where you live in New York now. Right. Or do you move somewhere else? Or you're.

No, I had to move to Oregon.

Got it. Okay. So there's a lot of places that have clinics, and they have, like, you could get a therapist on a sliding scale, because I'm telling you, your mental health is the most important thing. And without that, you really don't, like, there's nothing else to spend your money on. And you could get a sliding scale therapist in a clinic or a women's health clinic. I'm sure there's even Planned Parenthood. There's a lot of places that could offer you therapy. So that's one part of it which I think is so important because I just feel like you move to a new city, you don't have a lot of support or friends around you. I'm wondering also, is this something that was familiar to you at all from your childhood? Was there any abuse in your family growing up?

I think where it stemmed from is it's an accumulation of things. This is the first person that I've ever fallen in love with and been in a long term relationship with. And my dad died when I was little, which I think had a lot of trauma in my childhood of just wanting a parental figure and searching for somebody that would, you know, validate me and love me and the ways that I felt like I didn't have.

I think that was a huge part of it.

Yeah, I'm sure. I totally get it. I lost my father young too, and it's. Yeah, I understand that. Kind of like searching for the father figure and taking care of yourself. And so I just feel like that's a lot, sweetie, that you're dealing with right now. So I do think that finding some way to talk to someone about all these emotions and then that's not to blame yourself right now and not to try to get into another relationship either. I feel like the most important thing you could do right now is take care of you and building a community around you of support of friends and getting out of your house and meeting new people, whether. Are you working?

Yes. Yeah.

Okay. So. So taking classes and again, like getting, Getting some help because I just know this from. From years and years and years of doing this and talking to so many people that when we don't heal trauma in our life, it just sticks with you. So I don't think that you'll be able to, you know, which is actually like, it's. It's good to know this because then you won't be trying to get into a relationship. Then you can just turn all the attention towards being in a healthy place, knowing that it's not your fault, it's not what you deserve. You didn't do anything wrong. You know, you're human. You loved him. You know, he presented a different person than he actually was. We've all made those mistakes. We've all made mistakes with the wrong kind of people. But that's also what we do, the greatest learning. And so I think you're in a really good position right now for you to really take this so you don't start dating because you might find Yourself attracted to the same kind of person again and you won't even know it, you know, right. Like when your picker is broken, we say we get into these patterns. And so before you get this pattern gets gelled into like the fabric of who you are, I just would say that like do everything you can to take care of your mental health and talk to people and find a therapist. And also what you're saying here, I want to say one more thing. You're talking about like you want him to have his. Just his. Like you don't want him to harm other people. And like you're so angry at him, that's going to go away after all. Like that that's like your energy going towards that is also serving you to keep you away from feeling the sadness and the pain that you're feeling. So it's really easy to be angry at him and to still be like, I want him to get his, you know, I want to protect the world and other women. But it's really, if you took it back to yourself, it's like it's okay to be sad and it's okay to be angry at just, you know, at what happened to you. So when your mind goes towards all that, it's another distraction from you actually dealing with what's in front of you. And that's what happened to you. So that's what you got to do. You got, you got to find a way. Because if you get, you find my. We all find money for other. For a bunch of things and this is the most, I promise you, the best money you can spend.

So I just, I struggle so much with him not being held accountable at all. And I guess we're seeing that a lot in the news and just within social circles of women. But it's hard to.

I understand that. I mean, is there something you on that I understand too. So I'm wondering if there's anything else. I mean, you could file a report. Reports.

We're both heavily involved in the cycling community in New York and also nationally. And there's. The women involved in that scene are very close knit. So he has been reported to the women within that.

Okay, so you've done that part of it, right? I think once you get help for this and you start to get clearer and healthier around this, then maybe we could go back and think about what you could do. But right now, again, I think that, you know, you've already put it out to people, you know, it's not really your job. I mean, I understand that Feeling of wanting to, like, protect other women. And that is important. But I think that I'm not sure what you could do right now where you're at. I think you just have to really see. Do you see what I mean? You keep coming up with that, and I get that that's important, but I would talk to your therapist about that, I really would, and say that's what my mind's doing. I'm angry and she might have a solution for you. But right now, I just want you to put all that energy focus on him back on yourself. It's like literally the most important thing. You. You have to work this out and work this through because you won't be able. It will be so much more challenging to get into a healthy relationship. So good luck to you. Keep me posted. Take care of yourself, please, sweetie. And we are all thinking about you and sending love. Okay? You're gonna be fine. You're great. Okay.

Thank you.

Glad you got away. You're so welcome. Bye, Mary. Aw, my heart goes out. I want to give her a big hug. Oh, you guys, I'm telling you, I know I say therapy, therapy, therapy, but it is the most important work you can do on yourself is figuring out these issues that will hold us back. I know people have all ages who are like, still going back to things that happen when they're child. And when you're 45 years old and you haven't, you know, looked at trauma, death, abuse, it just. It's really hard to get into healthy relationships. So I just can't stress that enough. You know, money is not an excuse. I will not take that excuse from anybody. You can always find a way to get help and to. To make it work. So got your mental health? You will have nothing. I promise you that. So we have Sean. He's 49 from Toronto, and he wants to know if a penis ring has effects on erection and climax. Hi, Shawn. Hi. Hi. So tell me what's going on with your cock ring, penis ring situation?

Nothing. There's been no problems. I'm just wondering because it's kind of like having a tourniquet on, right? It's trapping blood and fluids in there. And if you have it on too long. I'm just curious, are there any short term effects or any long term effects from using it on a regular basis?

You use it every single time you have sex, Every time you masturbate? No. Okay, so tell me. We all need to know. Tell me, Tell me what's going on. Like, it's okay. It's like me using a toy all the time. Like, that's okay. So are you experiencing problems? Can you not have sex without it? Like, tell me the background here.

No, absolutely not. I don't need it. I. No problems. I just enjoy the sensation of it.

Oh yeah, no, there's.

So I use it occasionally.

Okay, occasionally. There's nothing wrong with. Yes, it restricts blood flow for a lot of men. It helps them last longer. There are. Are guys who walk around all day and they never take it off. And that could be a problem if it's always restricting blood flow 24,7. But no using it occasionally during sex and during masturbation. Totally fine. You're good. You're clear. Enjoy it.

Okay. And there won't be any long term effects like in 10, 15, 20 years down the road.

Not that I've heard of it. No. But just make sure it's not too tight and like you're not experiencing any pain. But if you're just. No, you're good. I mean, you really do you. I love it. So I think that's fine. I think that's fine. As long as you're not experiencing pain or certain attachment to it that you can't get hard without it. There are not long term side effects that I know of. I've heard of using cock ring. All I've heard is that people leave it on all the time. They never take it off and it's too tight and then they have problems. But that doesn't sound like where you're at. Sounds like you're being a respectful cock ring user.

Okay then.

Okay, thank you very much. Thanks, John. Have a great day. Thanks for calling. You too. Bye bye, bye. Yeah, you guys. Penis rings, cock rings, they're. I know I talk about them a lot on the show. They're great to use. There's some that vibrate vibrating cock rings, like the I love the Pivot by We vibe that you can wear during sex. And it's great for the man and it's great for a woman too, because the vibration hits are clitoris and cock rings. Originally, like in the gay community, a lot of men have worn them to, you know, they're metal ones and they. To restrict blood flow because it helps you stay harder longer. So again, like anything, like any toy, any product, if you're using it in moderation and you're using it and you're paying attention to your body, then I think you're. You're clear to go. I'm glad that Sean knows what he likes and what feels good. That's the most important thing. Okay everyone, thanks for listening to the show. That was fun. And thank you to my amazing team. Ken, Jamie, our volunteer, Shannon and Jenny, producer Lark and Michael. And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Text ask Emily to 797-979.

There's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human health, magnesium. And here's the thing, no single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support help helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted life, soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age well. Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really notice calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body, which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualialife. Com sexwithemily for 50% off. And here's a bonus use the code sexwithemily for an additional 15% off your order. That's Q U A L I a life.com sexwithemily thanks for qualia for sponsoring this episode.