Fire Up Your Fantasies w/ Elle Chase

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Having immediate chemistry is not always a telltale sign that chemistry can grow. And you have to really enjoy being with the person. And if you're just not attracted to them, you can't ever see being attracted to them. That's one thing. But if you're like, yeah, they're really nice, I really enjoy being with them. I'll try a second date. I don't feel the chemistry, but I'll try a second date. And I used to have this thing where it was like a three date rule. You go on a date with someone that you like for three dates, and if you still don't feel a chemistry, then done.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Sexual fantasies, what are they all about? Well, they give us a window into what we need. Maybe it's a type of touch, a type of power, or even a type of person. But what if you're one of those people who's like, I don't know how to fantasize, Emily. I don't have any fantasies. Well, today's episode is here to help you because, listen, having a rich fantasy life is part of being sexually healthy. Overall, it's important. I'm joined by sex educator and author of Curvy Girl Sex Elle Chase we talk about cultivating your erotic daydreams, what your fantasies say about your desire, style, and how to turn a common fantasy into a reality. Finding a friends with benefits. Do a lot of you have that fantasy? It's way more common these days. Plus, we take your questions how to respond to a partner who desperately wants to watch you have sex with another but you're not so into it, what to say to a partner who thinks butts are gross, how to talk about your kink to a new partner, and so much more. All right, Intentions with Emily for each episode Join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do the same and really just helps you ground in. What do you want to get out of listening to this episode? Well, my intention is to help you get curious about your sexual fantasies. And listen, I was one of those people who had a hard time fantasizing back in the day. So if you're anything like me, this episode is for you because by the end we'll all be flexing our erotic imaginations. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Ask Emily how can I Be More Confident in the Bedroom? Is up@sexwithemily.com also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. You want to ask me a question? Call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559-825-5739. Just leave me your questions or message me sexwithemily.com askemily and just a reminder, include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Oh, you can totally change your name. If you want to remain anonymous, that's cool too. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

Elle Chase is a certified sex educator, writer and one of the most respected voices in the body acceptance and body neutrality movement. In addition to her book Curvy Girl Sex, her writing has appeared in Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and Huffington Post. She's the author of two naughty coloring books, and she was even the subject of an acclaimed documentary, Inside Her Sex, focusing on the complexity of female sexuality. Find more ellechase.com or on Instagram Helchase so Elle, I wanted to have you on today because it's been a while and I love you and there's just been a lot going on in your life, but I just wanted to catch up and so tell me a little bit about what you're excited about these days.

Well, actually there are a few things. I just recorded a Whole sort of sex fantasies 101 for this app called mJoy that sort of talks you through how to discover your fantasies. If you don't think you have fantasies, how you communicate them with your partner, how you discover them on your. If you're just playing with yourself, all that kind of stuff. It's a great app and I really, really love it. So I just did a deep dive into that. But also, I started dating, like, for the first time since the pandemic. And what are we talking, like, two years?

I'd love to take my listeners deep into fantasies. We hear from people all the time. I don't have a fantasy or my partner fantasizes and I don't, or what does their fantasy mean? So I'd love to go a little bit deeper into how people can start to cultivate a rich fantasy life. But first, since we're catching up, I think it's also equally important. Two years not dating and now pandemic over. Talk to me about what's been going on, your journey with dating again.

I didn't want to before the pandemic. I just didn't have the energy to do it, to be perfectly honest. And then during the pandemic, it's like. And then after, I mean, we're in that sort of after stage. I was like, I want touch. I want connection with somebody, even if it's not someone I'm super, like, intimate with that I want to go out on a date. So I started on all of the apps. What's really interesting that I found is that no matter what app you're on, I am queer. But I'm. I date men and CIS men usually. And what I found is everybody is looking for connection. Everybody wants some sort of connection. And it's not just like, hey, hit me up for sex. Which there is that too. But it's. I'm looking for connection. I'm open to whatever, you know, let's start out as friends, that kind of thing. But connection is the big sort of buzzword, in my opinion. What I found on all of the apps, which I think is interesting.

Tell me more about connection. Do you think it's more like they're just craving touch as well? Which I understand. We talked a lot during the pandemic about just personally. Skin hunger.

Skin hunger?

Yeah, skin hunger. Like, we actually require touch. But is it more like they're actually craving a deeper intimacy, like someone to call after work or they want the. You know, is it all of it? What does that look like?

I think it is Both of those things, I think they crave touch and that is what I was craving. If we're going to peel that layer back a little bit, I think it's that kind of touch with an intimacy that you can foster with someone that will build into even a friends with benefits. Lots of people saying no one night stands. I don't think I saw one that said, you know, it can be for a night or for 10 nights, no one wants a one night stand. And that could also be part of the whole pandemic thing. And not wanting to share space with somebody, multiple people that you don't know.

I think this is a healthy shift that, you know, that makes sense. I think maybe before the pandemic we were seeing more like not looking for anything, just looking for a good time. And now I think people want to sink in a little bit more and think like, maybe I do want a relationship. I think we all had time to figure out during the pandemic what we actually want and what we don't want to. Was that helpful for you to kind of reframe of being alone during the pandemic? Did it help you get clear on what you actually do want?

Yeah, I wanted two different things and so I thought I'll go on different apps for different things. So for some apps, I went on looking for a continual friend with benefits. Something that was consistent but that where we had a connection, where we could talk, where we were actually friends, like, hey, let's go to movie and then come back to my house and make out that kind of thing that was very connection, sensual, touch driven, massage driven, that kind of thing. And then I was also looking on other apps for someone to date, maybe a potential relationship or just a dating relationship where it is very much sort of activity driven. It's interesting in some ways. It's very much like it was before the pandemic. But I think people are really craving intimacy and connection, both of which can commingle, but they're also different.

Do you also find that people are looking more for relationships or more friends with benefits? Do you see a difference in that? That people are saying, I actually want a commitment.

Now I'm seeing both, but I'm also seeing the people that are asking for friends with benefits also saying if it turns into more great. So there's still that sort of, I don't want to commit to be looking for something, but let's fool around for a little bit.

It's interesting to think that. So now I'm actually seeing this because there's been a lot more talk about friends with benefits lately. And it's almost like friends with benefits used to be this phrase where I think you were like, oh, well, it's somebody I know I could never go the distance with, but let's just be friends and have sex. But now maybe what I'm hearing you say is that it's sort of a safer way to look for commitment. Why don't we just make sure that we want to be friends? Because that actually is a huge component, I think, of someone you decide to be in a committed relationship with. Are you my friend? Meaning not like my best friend, like you, Alec, I would call every day about every problem, but somebody that you. You make each other the best versions of yourself. You care about each other, you celebrate each other, you actually are good friends and you want to have sex with them. So to find out if someone could actually be your friend and then find out if you want to commit like I. Is that what you're seeing? Because I feel like in the past it used to be you're friends with benefits until you find somebody you actually want to be with.

I think there's a little bit of both. I think the component missing between friends with benefits and dating is the romance component in the middle. So you could have someone that you really enjoy being with and also enjoy fucking, but you don't feel like romantic with them. You're attracted to them sexually attracted to them, you feel close to them, intimate with them, but you don't want to be romantic. Right. So to me, that is like a friends with benefits. To tell somebody that you want to start out as friends with benefits, or I just want a friends with benefits is to also not be committed to any sort of romance, which is very interesting on many different levels. Which is, you know, I'm not going to give you any of that stuff, so don't expect it.

But doesn't it just happen, though? Yeah. What do you think?

You hope it happens? I mean, I think the best advice I got during this time because my brain tends to immediately go towards, oh, gosh, you know, zero to 60. Like, oh, I'm attracted, we're getting together, we have good sex, I like them. And gee, what's it going to be like, you know, next year during the holidays? And someone said to me recently, you know, having immediate chemistry is not always a telltale sign that chemistry can grow. And you have to really enjoy being with the person. And if you're just not attracted to them, you can't ever see being attracted to Them, that's one thing. But if you're like, yeah, they're really nice. I really enjoy being with them. I'll try a second date. I don't feel the chemistry, but I'll try a second date. And I used to have this thing where it was like a three date rule. You go on a date with someone that you like for three dates, and if you still don't feel a chemistry, then done. Didn't your mother say, like, the person you get on your third date?

My mom says the issues you have in your third date, you have forever. I think that's pretty true. Like, I feel like, go on two to three dates with someone and you'll know. I think after one date, if you're not sure, go on a second. But are you saying that that's not your case? Is that still what you do? Three dates?

That's what I'm trying to do. I think when I've gone out with people that I didn't have immediate chemistry with, but what I wanted to see again, I've been like, oh, okay. And I've been more. I've been clearer on whether I wanted a romantic relationship or just a friendship with that date.

I love that these options are available now on the apps that you can actually get more specific.

Yeah.

Okay. So you've just gotten very clear. You're like a clear vessel.

I am a clear vessel.

A clear vessel.

Not a Scientologist, but I am a clear vessel.

No judgment. I mean, we have a bunch of questions to answer and some of them are about fantasy. But I really want to hear about your series you did for mJoy. Tell me more about this.

When I was doing research for this. First of all, there's a great book by Justin Lehmiller called Tell Me what yout Want.

We did a great show with him.

He goes into.

He's like, he's amazing.

Yeah, it was a great show. And, you know, you go off of all of that. But I think a lot of people think, what if I don't have sexual fantasies? And I think I would invite them to think about what is their idea of a sexual fantasy. Are they thinking of a sexual fantasy as some great romance or getting fucked in the bathroom? Maybe you're fantasizing. You don't even realize it. Maybe you're thinking about it. A past romance, dalliance that you had that was really enjoyable. Or maybe you're thinking about what you're going to wear on your date with your partner and how it will look on you. And then how the feeling is going to be. And you have to expand your idea of what a fantasy can be, because really all it is is it's an erotic daydream. And an erotic is subjective.

Hmm. This is fascinating. So walk me through it then, if you don't mind. I mean, we should all check out the app. But I hear what you're saying, because I do feel like I was someone who had to really work on fantasies. I remember taking my Somatic Sex Therapy class, and there was people in it who were like, I am Mother Earth and I'm in the ground. I'm one with the Earth, and there's like a whole forest of fairies, and they're having sex with me, and I become one, and the trees come out of my vulva, and I'm like, I just really want to make out somewhere and down in the desert and have somewhat. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not fantasizing that I'm one with Earth.

I'm the same way. Like, I never thought I fantasized. And then when I really sort of looked at it, I'm like, oh, yeah, I do. Like, I always had to figure out what I was wearing first in the fantasy before I could fantasize. So I never thought I fantasize. I'm like, I can only get as far as my shoes. And then that's it. That's it for me.

Dude, that is so funny. You're like, okay, I got the shoes on. What am I wearing? No, tell me more, because that is a fantasy you picture. Because you do that. Anyway, like, I'm always impressed with your outfits and how you always. You always know what you're going to do and where you go. But. Okay, tell me more about this.

For me, for example, I'm an. I'm what they call an estate. I like my esthetics. I like everything around me to look a certain way. You know, a friend of mine the other day said, my house is very well curated, so I like to curate everything. So I couldn't start a fantasy until I knew what I was wearing and what my surroundings were. And then by then, I was bored and asleep. So I think when people are looking for their fantasies, they're trying to hone in on what they think might start. A fantasy is to really get into what your senses are telling you. And not just sight, hearing, smelling, all that stuff, but also what is going on in your head. So thinking. And what is the context? We know from, like, Emily Nagoski's book Come as yous Are Context is very important for some people. So what's happening in that moment that is erotic or sensual or is curious? And that would be the other thing is to get curious about your senses. Curious about what time of day do you really like going out and walking in because of the smells or whatever. And this all sounds a little obtuse and esoteric, but if you think about it and you write it down in a fantasy journal, which I tell people on the app, you'll start to see a theme, and it might start to drag some really cool fantasies that you never would have had before.

Huh? Do you mind giving us a little teaser into a fantasy? How does that work? A fantasy journal. Just whenever you come up with something erotic, you write it down or.

No, it's a journal. I ask people to start the beginning of these five sessions in this, discovering your sexual fantasies. And at the end of each session, I asked them to do a couple of exercises that.

Okay, I want everyone to check that out. It's. How do you spell E?

M, J, O, Y, E, M, J, O, Y. And it's an app you can get from the app store, I'm assuming.

Great look for Elle Chase. Why do you think fantasies are important?

They're important the same way that daydreaming is important. It gives you a little bit of an escape, and it gives you a window into what you need, what your subconscious needs. So say you're at work and you just keep drifting off and keep thinking about Bora Bora and sitting on a beach with the wind and pina colada and whatever. Obviously, I'm not that imaginative to come up with that one, but you could be telling yourself, basically, you need a break. You need to give your brain a break for sex fantasies. What the experts tend to think is that you're really just sort of telling yourself what you need in that moment. Or say that you feel like you're not getting something from your partner or you're single and you're craving connection or touch. And that would be me. Then I would be fantasizing about maybe having this huge seduction on a massage table with lots of tactile, you know, like, fake fur and oils and a fire and something that's very sensual and very tactile. And if I kept fantasizing about that, my subconscious would be saying to me, you need to get some touch. Does that make sense?

Yes, absolutely. Can you give us, like, a sample journal exercise?

The sample exercise I have for one of these sessions is to write down all of the senses, please. Plus Emotions and context. And write down all the things that come to mind that you like for each sense, for sight. I like to watch certain types of porn, and that will make me think, oh, what kind of porn do I like? Oh, I like massage porn, right? Oh, massage that sort of dovetails into. Into touch. Oh, yeah, But I also like to have the spa music on when I get a massage. And so that dovetails into what I want to hear. And then it's like, yeah, but I also like my ginger lemongrass candles. Ah, scent. So it's there to jog your memory in many different ways. And some people may think, like, oh, I like to see someone tied up because I like to have control over whether they move or not. That tells you something too. And then you think, oh, do I use rope? Do I use leather? Do I use nylon? Do I use silk or ribbon? Or. It's letting your mind get to that place. It's very meditative and should be done in a meditative, undisturbed place.

Well, Elle, let's get into some questions here because we've got a lot of questions from the listeners, and we love hearing from them. So this is from Marianne, 23, in Switzerland. Hello, Dr. Emily. I've been single for over a year now. And in that year, I've only had sex once with a friend. The problem I found is I'm no longer interested in having a sexual partner as my sex drive has dropped since being single. And even if I'm horny, I just masturbate as I do it better than anyone else, and it doesn't take me long. Is this normal? I'm worried that if someone does come into my life, I won't even want to have sex. I'm just not that interested. Any tips? Thanks so much. What I would say here is, first off, we just understand the reason. I want to answer this, Alice. Because, like women's sex drive, there's so many factors. It's so multifaceted. It's so complicated. It could be stress, anxiety. It could be depression. It could be worry. It could be. Could be that you're alone in the pandemic. And I think understanding our sex drive, it's so complex. You brought up Emily Nagoski's book Come as yous Are, which is a great book for so many women to read about understanding our sex drive and our desire, the biological components of desire. And it's not just about. Well, we talk about fantasies, erotic fantasies and daydreams are helpful, but, I mean, I don't think she should. She's 23 years old. Her sex drive is going to come back. I love that she's masturbating. What do you think here, El?

Changing sex drive is normal. It waxes and wanes and it, it changes throughout our lives, even when we're not even realizing it. And it's possible that when someone comes along that she vibes, she'll find that she wants to have partnered sex. And if she doesn't, that's normal too. I mean, there's no one way to do a sex life, but I wouldn't stress about it. Just follow whatever you want to do right now. And if you meet someone that you are wanting to partner with or in a romantic way, see how it goes. I have a feeling that she'll want to knock boots with whoever she vibes with.

Well, I love what you said about you'll meet that person and you're gonna want to have sex with them. Like that just sort of happens. You hear this all the time. People were married for a long time or they're in a relationship, like the sex was bad. I never wanted to have sex again. And then lo and behold, they get separate from that partner and then they realize it comes back. I know she's not dating anyone, but I just think that there's a way that she could just honor that right now. She's taking time for herself. That's okay. And when you're in the right place at the right time and you're feeling healthy, like you'll, you'll meet someone and the sex drive does wax and wane you, not only like through our lifetimes, but throughout our month, throughout the week, minute to minute. Like I was horny and at lunch and now it's dinner and I'm hungry.

I think too, if she doesn't feel like she wants to have penetrative sex and she just wants to have hand sex with somebody, or maybe she just wants to be romantic with somebody and masturbate next to them. You just never know what you're going to be in the mood for. And that's why she shouldn't worry. Whatever she is doing is what she should be doing.

Yeah, Al, that makes a lot of sense. I'd love to also normalize that. Sex isn't just about penetration. You know, we've been saying this for years, but I really feel like in my recent experiences, and I don't know if you've seen this in your dalliances, that mutual masturbation is not just like a one off thing. Like sometimes you're like penetration. The fact that we've centered sex so much on penetration, which for the majority of vulva owners, is not even what we want to mutually. I get off. You get off. I get you off. You get me off. Like, it's. To me, that sucks. That's delightful, and it's easier.

Oh, I got to tell you, Emily, I've had sex recently with somebody, and we don't. I mean, we've had penetrative sex, but really, that's like nothing. We really just please each other. And it is so hot and so connective and so intimate and way more interesting than penetrative sex for me. And I think that if we open our brains up a little bit more to that as a possibility of what that main event is, I think we could be a little bit more, you know, sexually satisfied.

Yeah, that's definitely what we're trying to do here. I think you're so right. Let's open up our minds. The possibility that penetration is just one item on the menu and that your sex could be explorative. And I love that you're finding someone who just wants to. Who's just pleasuring all the hot spots and not having to think about it. Penis goes to vagina. So boring after a while. Anyway, let's take an email from Kira, 35 in North Carolina. Hey, Dr. Emily. I sometimes listen to your podcast and read some of your articles. More specifically, the ones my husband sends me. I just want to side on here. A lot of couples listen to the show together. They share insights. I think it can be really helpful. Not every couple realizes how important therapy is yet. I think every couple needs at some point, but it can be a great starting point to listen together or check out the site. Anyway, it's very obvious that he has a higher sex drive than I do, and we have different blueprints as far as our sexual preferences. My husband's primary fantasy is seeing me engage sexually with another woman. He's gone as far as saying that if we don't continue to push his sexual drive over the course of our marriage and years, he's afraid he will hit a breaking point. Where I struggle is navigating the area of doing things that are comfortable for me while still helping him achieve his sexual desires. At this point, I cannot fathom bringing someone else into our relationship, even just for one sexual experience. I've tried to entertain the idea in the past. When I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach. I get anxious at the thought of me interacting sexually with anyone. Male or female, how can we continue to navigate forward if this is a strong desire of his, but it's not something I'm comfortable with. I don't feel I should be forced into a sexual situation that's out of my comfort zone. But yet he's basically implying that someday it's going to cause a problem between us. Help me understand where boundaries should lie and how far you should go to try and please your partner to despite how it may end up making you feel. So essentially, Kira, thank you for your question. Her husband's interested in watching her have sex with another woman. And she's saying that she wants as other desires, which we're not sure what they are. She's feeling pressure. I feel that they definitely need to be having some more conversations about her fantasies and her desires. I haven't heard anything about that here. And I would say to him, tell me more about this fantasy. She has to be curious. She has to be light and not judgmental. But which I get that that's a fantasy that could really trigger you. But just say, when do you remember first having this fantasy? Can you paint me a scenario of what this fantasy would look like? Who's the woman? How does it go down? Like, I think sometimes we need a little bit more information rather than I want to watch you with another woman. So I think that there's definitely some communication here. And I think getting clearer on what he's talking about and then she could get clear on what she needs. I don't want anyone to ever feel pressure from their partner to do something they don't want to do. I don't want everyone to feel like they have to act on it. We get to be the authors of our own sex life. Right, Elle, what do you think here, Elle?

Well, I think also yes. And her husband's allowed to have any fantasy he wants to have. But just because he has a fantasy doesn't mean that he's going to be able to fulfill it. Listen, I want to be the princess of Canada. Not going to happen. You know what I mean? So it's like, but if I wanted to, I could role play it with somebody. You know, roleplay is a good way to delve into a fantasy that it might not be prudent to act on. Finding that middle ground, maybe not inviting a partner in, but maybe watching porn together that has people as a threesome. Maybe it's fantasizing together, dirty talk together in bed. But my concern is that he was talking about he doesn't know what's going to happen if he can't satisfy this fantasy. And to me, that is a relationship issue. That is something you need to see a therapist about. That feels to me like I need you to do this or else. And that feels manipulative and it feels unhealthy. It feels like he's trying to get you to do something for him that you don't want to do. And I'm not about that. So I think it'd be a great idea just to get have a couple of sessions under your belt about what that means.

Yep. Really good point. That's a really good point. You know, we're a huge fan of therapy. I think that every couple can benefit from from therapy at some point in their life. I'm not a fan of the ultimatums and the threats. And if you're in a relationship right now where you're feeling that from your partner, I think that's also important to look at and say, oh yeah, this is not, I don't have to do this. There's no sex police that I don't have to do whatever my partner wants me to do. I feel like Kira also, if you take a look into relationship, I have a hunch that maybe there's other areas of their relationship where he might be putting out these ultimatums, that there might be other ways like this probably touched in the bedroom. Like if you don't do this, then, you know, I'm not going to pay for the, you know, mortgage or something. So let's just look at that manipulative behavior that you pointed out, Ellen. See if there's other trace of that. And again, a reason why therapy would be so excellent for you both. Kara. Thanks for your email, Carol. We appreciate it and let us know how it goes. We're going to take a quick break, but stick around when we return. Ellen, I answer an email from Taylor about how to have super hot phone sex. Oh, I love this question.

Okay, this is from Taylor, 20 in Chicago. Hey, Dr. Emily. Just wondering if you have any fun tips on how to get your man aroused and turned on in a long distance relationship. We have a pretty active sex life whenever we're together. Obviously after months of not seeing each other, we're both horny. But I was wondering if you have any tips on phone sex and sexy long distance relationships. Any advice? Greatly appreciated. You know, it's such a good time to be in a long distance relationship since smartphones and sex toys that are bluetooth enabled, like I don't know what people did 25 years ago. Before the smartphone, I guess you would actually talk on the phone and have a lot of phone sex. But now what you talk on the phone, you'd miss them. You'd write letters. Yeah, people used to do that. But now I feel our faxes and replace it facts. This is kind of an exciting time because we can really engage. You could use FaceTime or Zoom. You can set a real date with your partner and say like 8 o', clock, we're each going to get on the phone. We can have conversations about our sex life. Maybe check out our yes, no, maybe list. But you can download on our site has all these sex acts on it. So if you've been trying to figure out like what to do in the bedroom or what you want to do next time you see him, this is a great way to get you guys excited for it. And if you do a yes to a maybe less, it's like group sex, hair pulling, handcuffs, you know, is it a lap dancing, licking, making out? Is it a yes, is it no or is it maybe? And I just love the idea of couples who are long distance having conversations that will set the stage for when they see each other again. But also, I mean, you can watch porn together. You can, I mean, Elle, what do you give me some of your long distance sexy tips?

I like.

Talking to your partner, telling them what you would make them do to you.

And what you would do to them if you were there.

Any more about that? What, like, feel like you're good at this? You're good at the texting of the talking? Like, yeah, like, how do you, like, if I was there right now, give me some.

I was there right now. I, you know. Where are you? Oh, I'm in the hotel room laying down on the bed. Okay. If I, if I were there, I would come in and I'd be wearing this and then I'd walk over to you and I'd start, always know what you're wearing. I got to know what I'm wearing. Iron Man. And yeah, I'd be wearing this agent provocateur little outfit. And I come in and then you can tell your partner what you would do to them, how you know they like to be touched, and then really get into the minutiae of touching that person. So if you're going to touch their hand, you can say, I'm going to take my right hand, I'm going to touch your hand and I'm going to go up and down from the knuckle to the top knuckle to the bottom. Knuckle to in between the fingers. Like get as detailed as possible. And when you are doing this, face time, or you can even say to them, put your finger where I'm going to be touching you and put your finger on your middle knuckle and have it go down all the way to your wrist and then turn around your wrist. Like really direct them. Direct your own sort of porn as if you were there. Ask them to describe what they want you to do. I'd want you to come and sit on my face. Really? Okay, well, so if I came and I sat on your face, I would come over and I'd be wearing this and then I would straddle and you know, there are all those different ways you can just sort of describe, get into the description. And again, the senses, the, you know, what are you seeing, what are you hearing? All those things bring someone's imagination right into it with you and with your voice. It can be really, really erotic.

They could do this on Zoom or on FaceTime. They can talk about. She could send it in text on the phone. She could be right now, I'm looking at you, lay down on the bed. She could even dress up too. You could even dress up in those things that you want to wear next time. You seem like, I'm going to wear this next time we see each other. I think that couples think that, like, you go right to like right into the sex. You're like, oh, I don't know if I could ever do that. It's like, no, it's just like any kind of sex. You don't go from right into the sex. You don't show up naked, like undress each other.

Yeah. To be perfectly honest, if you don't want to masturbate on camera with your partner, if that's embarrassing, that isn't also the definition of like video sex or phone sex. You can literally just talk to each other about what you want to do to each other the next time you see each other. It doesn't even have to be that visual. I grew up in a time back in the olden days when you would call like a 900 number and there would be like a 60 second little story about what someone wants to do to you. And you would masturbate to it and then hang up. It'd be like 2:99. And I got in trouble for putting that in the phone bill when I was a kid. So at any rate, it's enough to hear it. It's enough to start the imagination going because the imagination is where it all starts happening anyway.

It's so true. It's so active. The imagination is where this magic happens. You get to create it together, describing what you want to do, setting the groundwork so I love the idea of setting a date one night. Maybe they're drinking a glass of wine or they're each having a meal. But they could do something like the yes, no maybe that gets couples talking. They could even share some memorable times they've had sex. Fantasize together. And then you could also both mutually masturbate together. Remember, you don't have to show your genitals. You can just show your face. Or you could show your genitals and not your face if you're uncomfortable with that. And also, there's some great toys. We Vibe makes a lot of toys. Your partner can actually control it on video from wherever you are. A lot of the We Vibe toys have accessories through the phone. Those are some great tips. Thank you. Thanks, Taylor. Hot sex in your future. This is from Steve, 31 in Los Angeles. Hi Dr. Emily, I enjoy your podcast and find your product recommendations useful. I've always had a thing for watching women get their hair cut off. I've had this as far back as I can remember, going back to pre adolescence. I have no desire to cut a woman's hair myself and actually don't like women with short hair. I just like watching. Never said it was logical. I know this is not that unusual as there are dozens of websites that cater to this. Never told anyone about this till my mid twenties. I decided to go to sex therapist and she said nothing wrong with it, it's harmless, I should enjoy it. She also gave me tips for bringing up to a partner. So I brought up to a partner and I thought it was thoughtful and I thought I did it in a no obligation way. But then she woke up in the morning and said she wasn't into it. Was afraid that she'd wake up one day with a shaved head. I tried to explain to her that that wasn't how it works and it was over. Then I went to another sex therapist. Look at him. He's really.

Yeah, I'm not kidding.

I went to another sex therapist who gave me better advice through role playing. So then I found myself in another relationship. Brought it up. She seemed okay. She let me include the videos in our play. But after a couple weeks she said she couldn't process it. She wanted me to be attracted to her and not the videos. So he said potentially he has a Sounds like it might be a fetish for which means it's a requirement for him to be aroused for watching a woman get her hair cut. And that is what turns him on. He's already lost two relationships. Question is, should I keep trying or go back to keeping it a secret? Thanks so much. If you answer on your show, let me know. We're going to let you know because you've got not one but two sex educator brains here helping you. So this is a fantasy. It's a well known fantasy or fetish where it's essentially about. It's a requirement for him to be aroused. He's watching these videos and he's not saying he wants to wake up and cut someone's hair. And it's just something that's an important part of his eroticism and he needs his sexuality. And I could also see that there's his partner sounds like he's with women that don't understand it. And I think it's about communication. A lot of times we just don't know how to communicate it because first off it's. It could be a fantasy about threesomes but this is a little bit different. This is a little bit like extreme to many. And so he just needs a little bit help here finessing his words. How would we help him out here? Do it a little bit differently. Talk about a little bit. Because I don't think you should hide it and go be secret.

No, I mean, listen, it's a fantasy. It sounds like he wants to tell these partners. Fantasies can certainly never be acted upon or you never have to tell anyone your fantasy. But it sounds like he wants to. And I think the communication, you're right is key here and how it's put letting them know it's just a fantasy that he likes to watch, likes to see getting hair cut off. So it makes me think that maybe one of his partners had thought that he wanted to cut hair off. So maybe really making it clear it is just a type of porn that turns him on. It's just a fantasy that turns him on that he has no interest in acting it out. That being said, it might be helpful to start a fun discussion outside of the bedroom of fantasies that your partner has that they might want to act out or might want to discuss and bring it up in that sort of context that you have this delight in seeing someone get their hair cut. It's just something you know that you don't want to act on but that you just like it. If it is a fetish, something you need in order to have sex and get turned on, then that is something you need to talk to your partner about and to talk about different ways that it can be incorporated. Maybe some dirty talk, some role playing, some watching the porn together. If it is not a fetish and it is just a kink, think about it as an addendum to a healthy sex life with your partner and explain. Explain it to them that way.

Yeah. And then, like, it just sort of like, here's some of the things I'm into. What are you into? And maybe they could download your fantasy program and figure out what his partner's fantasies are. Because the truth is, Steve, if you find a partner, which you will, that also feels that her fantasies are being prioritized and understood and maybe developed. If she doesn't have fantasies, she'll feel just as engaged, like, okay, I get it. Now is time for your fantasy. Let's watch your stuff. And now, here's what I'm into. And if you're both getting your needs met, you're both having pleasure, it feels good to both of you. I think that it won't be a matter that you're thinking about hair cutting or hair pulling or hair worship, whatever it is, it won't matter as long as you're both deeply and equally engaged in being turned on and getting your.

Needs met and showing your partner, too, that you're also there for them. Here you are divulging this really private part of yourself. You're being intimate with them and showing them a part of you that you don't show everyone, but that you want to be there for them in that context as well. And then also, like, when dating, this would be a good thing to bring up. Not in full, but just bring up. You know, I have some unusual kinks so that you know that you're dating someone that is kink friendly or fetish friendly. Someone who is at least going to respond to you in a way that is accepting, even if they don't want to partake in it.

I love what you said there, because now what I'm picturing is he's just trying to get this off his chest. He's saying, I gotta talk to you. I have this fantasy. Here's the videos. Are you down? But a way to kind of pull back on that is say, you know what? I found that in the relationships I'm in that are successful. Or maybe I just want to explore being more open about what I'm into sexually. Is it something you're into? I realize in my past relationships, why didn't do that. It wasn't helpful. And then you start top level. Ask them what are they into, what turns them on. You could share some things that you're into. And you don't have to lead with the haircutting. Maybe there's other things you're interested in too. I really get off on eye contact. I really get off. I get off knowing what your fantasies are. I mean, I've been with lovers who are like. I get turned on when you're turned on. Emily, tell me what your turn ins are like, that's really hot to have a partner that's engaged. So again, maybe you start with more top level than going right into. This is what I need. I'm telling you what I need. Will you love me? Will you accept me? Because I need to watch videos of cutting hair. No. Let's have it be a larger conversation. Conversation and then vet people that you're with. Listen, Elle does this too. We would not be with someone at this point in our lives. Elle, you can agree that that is not into talking about sex. It's just a deal breaker or open about it. Open, open. Curious. Sex positive. Exploratory. I could not even date. No, I wouldn't go on one date with someone. I know you don't always know that and you can't always figure it out. But I would find pretty quickly they might not go out with sex educators. Who knows? But at this point, we get to be our own. We get to vet people because they probably wouldn't come through our door if they knew what we did.

That's a big thing. This is a big part of his life. He's seen two sex therapists or a sex therapist about it. That is something you put in your profile. Not that you like to watch haircutting videos, but like kink positive. Sex positive. Open minded. The keywords for the people that you want to attract to you. And so when you go out with them, I don't tell anybody I'm a sex educator for a while because it usually brings up a bunch of stuff. Then when I do, I can see how they react to it. And if they're like, oh boy, I bet you get a lot of action. Like, see ya. Goodbye. So you know who you're getting is what I'm saying.

Exactly. I love this, Al. I love this. Putting the things open minded, curious, sex positive. Put that in your profile and see and the people like turned off because like sex positive. What does that mean? Guess what, Steve? Not your people.

Tori, 28 in Iowa. Hey, Dr. Emily. My boyfriend's really loving and attentive in bed. However, he always says he prefers the front half of me and looking at my face. At the beginning of the relationship, he didn't even like to spoon me and only wanted to snuggle face to face. I'm generally happy. Pretend I was in the mood to have doggy style sex. He tries sometimes, but it isn't something he likes to do, so it doesn't go very well. He always says he thinks butts in general are gross and not hygienic. It makes me feel rejected. What should I do? Uh, Elle, this reminds me of also of your book Curvy Girl Sex. I'm sure that we. There might be some stuff here about that. Like, I feel like if someone told me they only like looking at my eyes or they like looking only looking at my elbow or my left breast or anything, I would feel not seen. I wouldn't feel whole. I'm hearing some red flags here. Like just about him not accepting all of her. I'm going to validate here what Tori's feeling because I think that you probably don't feel seen. You don't you. You would feel rejected and you probably don't feel as confident being with him. It's not kind.

Yeah. It feels to me like when you're in a relationship, working with someone's shame can be challenging. And it sounds like he has a lot of shame and preconceived judgments about the butt area. I just want her to realize that it's not a her problem. This is a his shame problem. It sounds like his issue with butts is general, but maybe you can explain to him how you feel about it. Just like, you know, this is just a part of the human body and this is a part of who I am. Also, we're always having sex and doing stuff with our partners and sometimes we like things more than others. And listen, I like some positions better than others and maybe my partner likes something that I don't like as much, but I do it because it makes them happy. And you know what? It's still all together. It's sex, it's good, it's fun. Right? So maybe think about talking to him and see if he could try and get into the idea of it just being making you happy, giving you pleasure. And less about the vision of having the butt being this bad space.

Yeah, absolutely. What you're saying is that in relationships it's all like kind of a give and take and him kind of hearing more about what she Requires and what she needs. He's essentially saying, I'm only having sex with you in this one place, in this one position. And is he willing to kind of open up and expand his definition of sex and grow? And I'm not sure that this is your boyfriend right now, but I'd like to be open and think that if you could talk to him outside the bedroom and just say, you know, let's talk about our sex life. Start with some things that you really like about it. And it's also. I find it's important for me to have more variety. That's really important part of my eroticism and my sexuality. And would you be open to playing around and doing more things? And then you have to listen, because he's probably gonna say, no, I told you I think butts are gross. And then you could say, yeah, I know you said that. Tell me more. Where did that come from? And you might find that there's a story. Maybe he got shamed. Maybe something happened to him. And this is where the juice is. This is where the magic happens when we can actually really listen. Remember, you guys, most of what healthy communication isn't even about what we say. It's our tone. It's our body language. It's eye contact and just saying, babe. You can put your hand on his arm and say, oh, yeah. Well, maybe you could tell me more about what it is about the butt that doesn't feel good. Empathy.

When he feels seen in his shame about the butt. Right. Is feeling that you're empathizing with that. Then maybe that opens that container, that safe container to talk about. Well, why don't. Why don't we do this? Maybe you can dig into that a little bit more and see if we can sort of divorce that idea a little bit or work on divorcing that idea a little bit from our sex play. And I'll go slower as far as wanting to do doggy style or whatever. But maybe we can come together and work on some sort of compromise, kind of. I really need to be seen. And I know that you have an issue in this area. So that empathy creates a curiosity.

I would do that if my partner said it just because. To hear the way you say it. Al. Okay, thank you. That's really helpful. And let's.

You guys.

We're really just talking about healthy communication here, and it's a skill set. This is from Jolie25 in Colorado. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've never been able to orgasm with a partner solo. Yes, it's the pressure of orgasm being the end goal and thinking I take too long. Recently I started sleeping with someone and faking orgasms with them. We've been seeing each other for about a month now. They prioritize my pleasure in bed and are very enthusiastic about pleasuring me. I know they want me to enjoy myself during sex and they want to try to actually orgasm with them, but I don't know how to because I started the relationship off with faking them. I've been here jelly. Now they think I'm. I regularly orgasm with them. How do I tell them I've been faking without hurting their feelings? Do I even tell them I've been faking? Please help me figure out my way out of this tangled web I've created and find power in my orgasmic self. Ha. 25 year old Jolie. I love it too, Jolie. I was with you. I faked orgasms when I was your age. I always wonder if my boyfriend now that they're listening, but my boyfriends from then might be like, really? I would tell them I didn't know either. And you're not alone, Jolie. So many of us feel this pressure, this pressure cooker to orgasm and someone's watching you and there's a time clock. It seems like many times if you're with a penis owner, they come quicker and does take vulva owners anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes. Orgasm, it's a whole thing, but it's a learning process. My recommendation for you is to just have a conversation about your sex life with your partner, this new guy outside the bedroom, and just say, I'd love to talk to you about our sex life. Some things that you really like and say, I actually really want to work on expanding my own pleasure and my own arousal. And I love being with someone like you who's so into my pleasure and what you're doing feels great. I love that you start slow. I love the way you use your fingers. I love whatever he's doing, the things that you like and say. But sometimes I'm still exploring my body. Which you would be at 25, let's be honest, at any age and say, would you be willing to do some exploring with me? Can we start slow? I want to show you some things that I've learned during masturbation that feel really good to me and you feel like a trusted partner. Would you be willing to go on this journey and I would love to show you some things I'm learning. Would you go slow with me? Be patient. Bring them along for the ride. What do you think, Al?

Yeah, that's basically exactly what I was going to say. Sounds like you have a partner really wants you to be pleasured. And. And also, you know, sometimes there are people that can orgasm in many different ways. And so you can also say to your partner, listen, sex with you. You never have to tell them that you've been faking it. If you don't want to, just. If you don't want to tell them that, just don't. You can just not lie, but tell them that, you know, you can come in many different ways and you want to try different ways. And the way that you've been coming lately is getting less interesting. And that through your own self exploration, you've discovered other ways and other parts of your vulva and your vagina and your clitoris and whatever that you like. Touched and touched in different ways. And again, like you were saying, Emily, you know, would you go on that journey with me? Would you help explore with me? You could even do mutual masturbation. Ask him to watch you masturbate, to show him how you like to come in certain ways, either with your hands or with a toy. Or actually maybe just say, will you. I'm going to show you how I like to masturbate with my hands. And then will you put your fingers down there and do it with me? Put your fingers on top of my fingers and do it with me so I can show you what I like. And there's many different ways to do that. And I think that's. I think what Emily said is a really good way to go about it.

Our partners want to please us. I mean, our good partners that we want to be with want to be good lovers to us. They want to figure out what we like. And so let's give them the benefit of the doubt here. So I think. I think you got this one. Thank you so much. Elle Chase. I love having you here. I want to ask you the five quickie questions we ask our guests. I haven't even asked you them in a while. They're very quick.

Okay.

Don't overthink.

Okay, I'll try not to overthink them. Now I have to figure out what I'm wearing first.

Okay.

Okay.

Now.

Okay.

These are quickies, all right? Biggest turn on communication. Biggest turn off hubris. What makes good sex?

Vulnerability.

Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Relax.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

Fit is not lube.

I love you so much, El. Where can people find you? What's going on. Tell me all the things.

I'm on Instagram all the time. So the lches at Instagram, that's also my handle. All the other social medias and elchase.com.

Thank you for being here. Al.

Thank you Emily.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Sex with Emily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sex with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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